Original subtitles

[Frank] Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, you know, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher,

and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

[all gasp]

[Frank] You know, they can all think for themselves,

-which they've me to thank for. -[boy] Run for it!

[Frank] Fiona, who's a big help, massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,

which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

-[barks] -Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair.

One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie, total angel.

You've to check your change, but she'll go miles

out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus Liam! Little rock n' roller! Gonna be a star.

-Once we've got the fits under control. -[screams]

Steve, posh lad, different planet.

The truth is out there... not!

Kev and Veronica, fantastic neighbours.

You know, lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life is,

they know how to throw a party! [laughing]

-[siren wailing] -Scatter!

[Veronica] Now, I'm not really a jealous person...

[chuckling]

...but living next door to Fiona

gave me a cross to bear.

-Every bloke she met... -[Fiona laughing]

...seemed to want to marry her. She had that kind of face.

I thought I had that kind of face an' all...

[Fiona laughing]

...but Kev's never once mentioned marriage in all the years I've known him.

[Veronica whistling]

Which never used to bother me

-till the day l realised that... -[Fiona laughs]

...well, you either love each other or you don't,

and if you don't,

it's time to find your running shoes, innit?

-Top up? -[Veronica speaks indistinctly]

♪ Life will never be The same... ♪

[both singing]

-♪ Life is changing ♪ -[Fiona laughing]

[song continues in distance]

-[Kev] You seen our Veronica? -Try the disco.

Veronica! You should be--

Can you have that a bit bleedin' louder?

Don't you remember this, down Jekyll's, E'd off our faces?

Just telling Fiona it's the first time we got off together.

-l must have been of me cake if I were dancin' to this. Have you seen me shirt?

-What shirt? -Me Friday shirt for work.

I got it out earlier and it's disappeared.

-[Veronica sighs] -What's in there?

Bedding. Go and stick 'em in Fiona's, that one of ours will rip 'em to shreds.

-Veronica! -[music continues]

♪ Got to feel secure ♪

I must have thought it was a pillowcase.

-With sleeves? -[sighs]

It's been downhill ever since. [smooching]

-[Veronica laughing] Wicked! -Cheers!

[music continues]

Hey, that's sexual harr--

Mandy!

I was hoping you'd be here.

Wanted to say thanks for earlier.

-Steppin' in with Hardman. -Oh, it were nothin'.

[Mandy] You're jokin'.

None of the other lads would have done that.

You were like my knight in shining armour.

D'you know you've got a hero working for you?

Stood up for me earlier in biology.

Hard-on Hardman. He's a right dirty old bastard.

Did you have to stay long in detention?

About an hour or so, I just listened to my Walkman.

What you doin' when you get off here?

I don't know 'cause he's a bit of a slave driver,

so, I'm never too sure what time I'm gonna finish.

-Listen, Mandy, I best get on. -[Mandy] Okay.

-[man talking over radio] -Might see you later, then...

sexy.

[coughs]

[man talking over radio]

-Excuse me, ladies, excuse me. -[all cheer]

-I'll just take these off you. -[all laughing]

Take anything you want off me, darling!

[Tina laughing] What's your name, love?

-Kev. -Oh, girls, girls!

-[all cheering] -I've found a new one.

-Kev! Listen, Kev... -Thank you.

...I'm working my way through the alphabet,

-and l ain't had a K yet. -[all giggling]

Do you fancy helping me out?

[chuckles] Well, I'll tell you what,

if you're still stuck after the other 25,

give us a shout!

-Oh! -[all laughing]

Hey, Zack, Zack!

You might be in here, mate! [chuckles]

[all laughing]

[Ian] Night.

-Gotcha! -Jesus, Mandy!

[laughs]

-You scared me half to death! -Waited for you.

Come on, I'll walk you home. Windsor Gardens, innit?

She fancies the arse off you!

Over there. Tina.

Shall l tell her you're interested?

Reckons you're like a little boy in need of mothering.

She's a right dirty cow, though.

What do you reckon, Kev?

-Shall I tell her you're up for it? -No, l can't.

-[Marie] Aw, why not? -[Kev] I just can't.

-Hey, Tina! -No, no, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Li-- Listen, I'm-- Look, I'm...

[stammers] I-- I'm getting married, aren't I?

Married?

Veronica. Great girl. Love her to bits.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, did he just say he was getting married?

Well, it's the first I've heard.

Well, are yous just gonna stand there

or are you gonna break out the bubbly? [chuckles]

-[scoffs] -Come on, this needs marking, doesn't it?

Paddy, Reg! Kev's getting married!

Hey, here he comes!

[sings "Wedding March"] ♪ Here comes the bride ♪

-♪ La, la, la... ♪ -[all] ♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la... ♪

Hey, Carol.

-Frank, no! Frank! -Wait, your Veronica,

Ke-- Kev's gonna make an honest woman of her!

-[yells] Oh! Jesus Christ! -[mouths]

He's done it! He's finally gone and done it!

-Kevin Alan Ball... -Yeah.

...give me a big kiss!

-[gasps] My new son-in-law! -Carol...

Oh, you know, he's made me the happiest mother in the world!

Mind you, it's about bloody time.

Hey, give us your phone.

-I wanna ring Veronica-- -You can't!

[indistinct chatter]

-She'll wanna tell you herself. -[Frank] Kev!

Kev!

The barman! [chuckles]

-[laughs] He's getting married! -Congratulations, Kev!

-[Carol] Oh. -[indistinct chatter]

-[girl moaning on TV] -[Ian exhales]

[girl moaning on TV]

[Ian] Do-- Do you want another?

-[girl grunting on TV] -Cheers.

-Don't be long. -[girl grunting on TV]

-What the fuck? -Piss off!

I want to see the end of this.

All right. [scoffs]

-Jesus! -Where are you going?

Bed... apparently.

[girl moaning on TV]

["Feel" by Robbie Williams plays]

♪ Real love And the love ever after ♪

[indistinct chatter]

-You Kev? -Yeah, why?

Me brother said you're getting married.

-[sighs] -Top quality, good as new.

Bitch jilted me, didn't she?

Do you want to try it on?

[crowd cheering]

♪ I just wanna feel ♪

♪ Real love Feel home that I live in ♪

-I'm getting married! -[all cheering]

♪ 'Cause I got too much life Running through my veins ♪

-[laughs] -♪ Going to waste ♪

You're dead, you are!

One size fits all.

-Getting married! -[all cheer]

[music continues] ♪ And love ever after ♪

♪ There's a hole in my soul You can see it in my face ♪

♪ It's a real big place ♪

-Mandy, Mandy... -It's okay. [sighs]

I've got some in me bag.

-Three-pack. -[Ian grunts]

No, I-- I-- I can't! I can't! I'm sorry.

-Ian! -Oh, shit, I'm sorry!

I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to--

What's up? What's the matter?

What is it? Don't you fancy me or summat?

-What are you looking at? -[hoots]

[hiccups]

[doorbell ringing]

All right!

-[doorbell rings] -[Veronica] All right!

Who is it?

Hello?

No, there's nobody there, love. Go back to bed.

-No, it's nothing. -[Kev sighing]

[Veronica] Oh, it's probably just kids.

Get the baseball bat if you want,

but I don't think you'll need it because--

Veronica!

Kev, you scared the...

-What you doing down there? -Veronica Fisher...

will you do me the honour of being my wife?

[dogs barking]

Is this a wind-up?

[dogs barking]

'Course I will, you daft bugger! [chuckles]

[upbeat music plays]

[both laughing]

-What's going on? -I don't know.

-[Ian] They look happy. -[Lip chuckles] Just think,

that could've been you and Mandy Maguire. Ah!

-Not funny. -Dick.

[Veronica] Watch the door! [screaming]

-[Veronica singing] -[water running]

[birds chirping]

-[Tina] Oh! Brill! -[girls cheering]

[Marie] Like a little boy in need of mothering.

-[Kev] No, no, no, no! -[Veronica humming]

[Kev] Veronica Fisher, will you do me the honour

-of being my wife? -[Frank] ♪ La, la, la, la ♪

Hey, Carol! Can you--

My son-in-law!

[Frank] ♪ La, la, la, la... ♪

-[Kev] I'm getting married! -[all cheering]

Right, come on, hurry up, sit down! -[indistinct chatter]

[Veronica] Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

Can we have a bit of hush, please?

All right. Everyone settled?

We've got an announcement to make.

-We've got-- -Do we not need drinks?

-[Veronica] Kev! -[Kev] But-- For the toast.

-Are you getting married? -[Fiona gasping]

-Oh! Debbie! -Is that it?

-[Steve] Eh? -Yes.

Kev and me are getting married!

[all cheering]

A real wedding? A proper wedding?

-[Veronica] Mm. -Oh, can I be the bridesmaid?

[Veronica] Of course you can!

-Nice one, Kev! -[all cheering]

[Veronica] Aw, sorry, kiddo, maybe next time.

-Congratulations, Kev! -[Debbie] Yes!

-[Lip] Well done. -[Debbie] Aw...

[Veronica] Come here, monkey boy!

How long's it take to get a divorce?

Think you have to get married first, Kev.

I'm already married.

I don't even know where she is.

Last time I heard, she was in Carlisle.

All right, look, I know a decent solicitor.

A mate of mine, if you want, I can give him a call.

[Fiona] You're never gonna get away with it, Kev.

-Why have you never told her? -Fuck knows.

We were only married a year.

You're gonna have to tell her

before she broadcasts it to the entire estate.

'Ey up, 'ey up, 'ey!

So, this is where you're hiding!

[women chuckling]

-[Kev] Yeah. -[woman gasping]

-Might be a bit late for that. -[indistinct chatter]

[sighs]

What do you think?

I think it might need a few alterations!

[laughing]

[screams, laughing]

Right, on my side, we've got me mum, Uncle Terry,

Mick and Sylvia, Janet, Rhonda, Clem and Pete.

And then there's me brothers, Barry, Mitch, little Leo.

No one's talking to our Phil.

And Marty's still in prison.

-[man talking on TV] -What about your side?

[man on TV] Two-to-one favourite...

Kev?

Whoever.

[sighs] Well, who do you want to invite?

I'm telling you now, your Kelly's not coming for starters.

Well, you do the list then. And you'll get your own way, won't you?

-What is your problem? -[Kev] I haven't got a problem.

[Veronica exhales angrily] Can't see your face!

I'm not dragging you round, Kev.

If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it together.

There is no way I'm sorting it all out on me own.

Just because we're getting married,

I'm not gonna turn into one of those women

-that shuffles round, trying-- -Veronica.

What?

I've gotta go to work.

It's Kev. Kev Ball.

Yeah. Sorry to ring you out of the blue.

Uh, you haven't got a contact number for your Roxy, have you?

[indistinct chatter]

You're joking? GBH? What happened?

[indistinct chatter]

[mouths] Fuck! [speaks normally] Golf club?

Jesus! She took 'em clean off?

[stammers] Um, when you visit her, can you pass on a message for me?

Yeah. Tell her l want a divorce.

[sniffs]

[door opens]

Are you Ian Gallagher?

You're fucking dead!

-[Ian] What have I done? -[Kash] Leave him.

-[Donny] Get here, you! -[Kash] Leave the lad alone.

Do you think you can force yourself on our Mandy, Gallagher?

Well, you've picked the wrong one!

-[Donny] Fuck off, Paki! -[Joey] You're dead!.

Do you hear me? Do you hear me, Gallagher?

Leave him!

He'll be out the back and down the street by now.

Come on.

Tell him he's a marked man.

-[Kash] Ian? -[distant shouting]

-Ian? -[knocking on door]

[Kash] It's all right, they've gone. I've put the lock on.

I didn't touch her, Kash. I swear, she just--

It's all right. Come here.

[dogs barking]

All clear.

[Ian] Why don't I like her?

Why couldn't I touch her?

You know why.

No, l don't.

'Cause loads of real lads fancy her. Why can't I?

-[sighs] Because you're-- -What?

A poof?

Like you?

With a wife and two kids?

'Cause maybe that's what I want.

Maybe, if I try hard enough, I can convince myself I'm straight.

'Cause I tell you what, Kash,

it'd make my life a fuck of a lot easier.

[sighs]

You think? Easier?

Lying to your family for the next 20 years.

Listening to people in the shop and in the pub,

making jokes about how filthy it is

without being able to say anything.

Sleeping with a woman every night of your life,

even though you don't like the feel of her skin.

[sighs]

You think that's easy?

[man shouting on TV]

[Lip] Mandy Maguire called round earlier.

Said she'd got the wrong brother, fancied seeing what an older man could do.

-[boxing bell dings] -[grunts]

[Lip groaning]

-[Ian] Wanker! -[audience cheering on TV]

[Ian and Lip grunting]

-[audience cheering on TV] -[Ian grunting]

[can cracks open]

[Lip] What did they do?

Ian, what did they say?

What do you think?

I wasn't even bothered about getting married until he brought it up.

Now, it's like I'm dragging him down the bleeding aisle.

Don't know what's up with him.

Last few days, he's had a face like a slapped arse.

Maybe he doesn't really want to get married.

Maybe he only asked you 'cause he thinks that's what you want.

Nine years, no ring on your finger.

Most women would've ditched him by now.

I've thought about it over the years,

but it's never really mattered, I mean, you just know, don't you?

Whether someone's right or not. If it works, it works.

[sighs] The way things are between us, it's perfect.

So, why change it?

What's the one thing that breaks up long-term couples?

Other than the pressies and the piss-up,

give me three good reasons why you wanna get married.

[Kev sighing]

[sighs]

Kev, come out.

[sighs]

What?

Why are we getting married?

I think I was excited 'cause you're meant to be.

-You know, the idea of it all. -Hmm.

Nice dress, fancy ring,

people looking at you like you're summat special.

Hmm.

But when I stopped and thought about it...

it just seemed pointless.

We don't need a piece of paper to tell us we love each other, do we?

[sighs] No, that's exactly-- that's exactly what I was...

Uh, hang on.

This isn't a test, is it?

One of them women things where you pretend you don't wanna do something

to see if I'll try and talk you round?

[scoffs] Well, if it is, you've just failed!

Well, what will we tell people?

We've changed our minds.

Actually, don't tell 'em anything

till they've bought the presents.

Size of my family, we'll get the whole house kitted out!

[both laugh]

[Veronica laughing]

-[Kev] Do you know what? -[Veronica chuckles]

-I love the arse off you. -[Veronica chuckles]

How could you not? [chuckles]

[Kev moans]

-[doorbell ringing] -[Kev] Mm.

-[Veronica] Mm. Ignore it. -[Kev] Mm.

Mm. Mm...

[Carol] Veronica! Veronica! Hurry up!

-I'm gonna wet meself out here! -[Veronica groans]

-[Carol] Picture the scene. -["Wedding March" playing]

Beautiful church,

sun shining, all your friends

and family gathered together.

Kev waiting at the front in his new beige suit,

nervous, excited.

Then suddenly, you appear,

the blushing bride. Radiant, voluptuous!

You're walking arm in arm with your father down the aisle.

[sighs] He's proud,

he's tearful,

He's dead.

Well, that's what he would've wanted...

had the good Lord not seen fit to take him away from us.

So...

he left you this instead.

He never made a will because he didn't want people

squabbling over it, so he put that aside.

You know what he was like.

Old-fashioned.

Reckoned any father worth his salt should be able

to pay for his daughter's wedding.

Five grand?

He was a good man, Veronica.

And he wanted me to keep that until the time was right.

["The Great Escape" theme plays]

[Carol] How do I turn this thing off?

[music stops]

[knocking on door]

[Steve] Yeah, all right!

Ian Gallagher.

Tell Ian Gallagher we want him out here now.

Ian? Have you seen him?

Listen, if you see him, you tell him I'm looking for him, all right?

All right?

Long story.

[door closing]

[Mandy chuckling]

Why did you lie, Mandy?

Why did you tell them I attacked you?

-Get him away from me. -Tell 'em the truth, Mandy!

-Please! They're gonna kill me! -Get him away from me!

You need locking up! Fucking pervert!

[dog barking]

[car alarm wailing in distance]

[slot machine whirs and chimes]

Kev! Kev! Look!

Ex-council houses for all and sundry!

Ex-council houses for all and sundry!

Buy your own house! All right. Betray your class.

Right-to-buy scheme.

Council are selling off the houses.

-So? -So...

five grand plus the bit we've got in the bank.

We could almost buy our place outright.

Our own home, Kev.

What do you think?

Quick walk down the aisle, couple of I do's.

It'll be worth it to get our own place.

But we gotta get a move on, closing date's end of the month.

[indistinct chatter]

What's up?

I can't marry you, Veronica.

There's something you should know.

[Veronica] Fuck me.

Fucking hell. [sighs]

Roxy Benson. [scoffing]

I remember her from school.

-She were gorgeous. -She were a head case.

She used to fucking throw plates at me. She couldn't handle her drink,

I'll tell you, talk about fiery. That's-- That's where I got

that scar on the back of me neck. [sighs]

Oh... [sighs]

...the amount of times I nearly told you over the years,

but... [sighs]

...you know, the further away it got,

the more unreal it seemed.

That's the only thing that l have got to prove

that it ever happened.

You look a right twat on there, don't you?

-[Kev chuckling] -A fucking mullet.

[both chuckling]

That's worse than finding out you were married.

I'm sorry.

[sighs]

Okay, I just...

I didn't want anything to spoil it for us...

so... I buried it.

How long will it take to divorce her?

[sighs] Six months. I don't know, maybe longer.

I think we might have to forget about buying a house.

Aw, I'm sorry. [smooches]

[sighs]

[Veronica] Hang on.

-What? -Well,

we don't actually have to get married. [chuckles]

If my mum wants a wedding...

why don't we give her a wedding?

[Fiona] You're gonna fake it?

-Why not? -You can't!

Why not? We'll still be married.

-It just won't be legal. -[both laughing]

Dress, rings, photographer, the works.

[Veronica] It's got to be like the real thing.

-Except cheaper. -Except cheaper.

[Veronica gasping]

-Your wedding car, madam. -Oh, Steve!

[laughs]

-[Steve] You might have to be in black! -Whatever! [laughs]

Quentin, how do you fancy a couple of months' free rent?

Repeat after me.

I, Veronica Carol Fisher,

take this man, Kevin Alan Ball...

[Veronica] Take this man, Kevin Alan Ball.

[Quentin] ...to be my lawfully wedded husband.

Isn't it illegal to impersonate a vicar?

You're not a vicar, you're a registrar.

Registrar...

Even so.

[Donny] Hello, Gallagher.

[grunts]

Tell your brother, no one gives us the run-around.

Either he shows his face tomorrow,

or we'll fucking kill him!

-You understand? -Yeah.

-You understand? -Yeah.

-Good. -[groaning]

[Lip groaning]

[grunting]

[Veronica] Is there something you're not telling us?

[Ian] It's just got out of hand.

It's Mandy Maguire. She's not someone you say no to.

I don't know why you'd want to?

-Jailbait! -Er, Kev!

Oh, come on, you can't say she isn't foxy!

Right, Ian, why don't I just swing round there, see if they can't listen to reason.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, posh lad!

-You'll come back in bin bags. -Yeah, so what, Kev, roll over and die?

You just can't give in to these people.

[Kev] I'll tell you what, I'll go round.

I know their old man from the pub. He's all right.

Well, as violent pissheads go, hmm?

[crows cawing]

[dog barking]

[dog growling]

-[doorbell rings] -[dog barking]

Where is he? Where the bleedin' hell is he?

He's got his stag do in an hour!

-[Steve] Here you go. -Mm.

[clears throat]

-Uh, do you want another one? -Ta.

I wouldn't know if anything's happened to him.

Eh, that eldest's a maniac! He did for Sally Sergeant.

Only got off 'cause he intimidated the witness.

-Veronica! -Hey! He started this mess!

I'm going to end up a widow before I'm even married!

-[Fiona] Um... -[stammers]

Well, you know, "married".

All right, now take your time with this one.

All right? You never know you might have to identify the body.

-[horn honking] -[knocking on door]

[gasps] Lip!

-[Lip] Oh, it's the police! -Oh, no!

[Fiona] Jesus!

[Lip] Oh, it's all right, it's only Helmet.

-He's got Kev with him. -Oh, thank God for that!

I pictured myself at his funeral!

Black does nothing for me legs! [chuckles]

[both chuckle]

I thought I were gonna be there all night!

-Tony gave me a lift. -[Veronica sighs]

-What happened? -[Kev sighs]

Well, l goes round there,

I ask if l can have a word, you know, private and that.

Anyway, fair enough, he invites me in...

and they're all sat there in a row.

Every single one of them on the couch, arms folded,

-'cking Alsatian at my feet... -[Veronica sighs]

...growling.

So, I explained the situation.

I put Ian's case forward.

Misunderstanding, blah, blah, blah.

Didn't mean to offend her.

They listened. Fair do's.

They offer us a beer and a spliff.

And, well, basically,

well, I agree to keep me fecking nose out of it.

-Kev! -[Veronica] Is that it?

-Well, what could l do? -[Carl sighs]

Hey, but they flogged us a camcorder for the wedding, though.

You useless wanker!

[grunting] I thought you were dead!

I can't believe I'm marrying you!

You're not.

-[Lip] Ian! -[door closing]

-[Kev grunting] -[Tony] You see this badge?

Now, I know it doesn't count for a lot round here these days,

but we haven't lost the fight yet, you know.

-[scoffs] -One word in the right ear

could make things go away.

[clicks tongue] I didn't want you getting involved.

Why not?

We don't need the police fighting our battles for us.

No, not the police. Me, Tony.

Do you fancy coming out tomorrow?

Police are having this friends and family day in Tatton Park.

Bite to eat, a few drinks. Let your hair down.

[chuckles] They usually have a rifle range,

so you can get your own back on the scum.

It's Kev and Veronica's wedding tomorrow.

We're off out on the hen night now.

Right. Right.

So, do you fancy it or not? [chuckles]

[Veronica and Fiona laughing]

Okay, you ready? Oh, me chuff!

-Oh, come on, V! -[Veronica laughing]

[Veronica laughing]

[Fiona] Let's go!

There's only one way out of this. You know that, don't you?

[Veronica and Fiona laughing]

Tell 'em.

[laughter continues]

[laughs] Where am I sleeping?

-Dad's bed's free! -[Veronica laughs]

-[Fiona] Bugger off! -[both laughing]

-You can always kip in with me! -[Veronica laughs] Yeah.

As long as you keep your hands to yourself.

-Oh! -[Fiona squeals]

-Shh! Shh! -[Veronica laughs]

Shit!

[thudding]

[grunts]

[man on PA] The 545 service to London is leaving from Bay C in five minutes.

The 545 service to London is leaving from Bay C in five minutes.

[doors hissing]

[Mandy] Stay the fuck in.

Mandy.

Move! Shift away now!

I mean it, Gallagher, try anything and you're dead!

Look, I'm dead anyway! Your brothers'll see to that!

Mandy, please, please! There's something--

I need to talk to you properly.

Please.

I'm gay.

[Mandy] That the best you can come up with?

Mandy, if I was gonna make something up, do you think I'd--

I'm hanging myself here, you know that, 'cause no one knows.

No one in school, no one on the estate.

Lip only knows 'cause he worked it out.

You're the only person I've ever told.

Like told, like said it to, out loud.

Look.

Nothing.

I just haven't got the right equipment.

You don't look the gay type.

Is that better?

-[Ian laughs] -Piss off. You know what I mean.

[both laugh]

People will suss it out, though. Fifteen, no girlfriend.

And all them lads at school to gawp at.

-You know what you need. -What?

A girlfriend.

You know like film stars do when they don't want people knowing.

[chuckles] What do you get out of it?

Do you know what it's like being me?

All them morons hitting on me, trying to get into me knickers.

I want to find someone nice, someone interesting.

Someone like you.

-Except not gay. -[chuckles]

Do you fancy coming to a wedding?

[snores]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[sighs]

[thudding]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, shit!

[thudding]

[screams]

[grunting]

-[Kev grunts, screams] -[Marty groans]

It's me! Marty! How yer doin', mate?

[laughs]

[groans]

Couldn't you have rung the doorbell or something, like any normal person?

Didn't wanna wake you up, Kev. You know Marty, thoughtful as ever-- Spunk face!

Mm. You got any sugar?

Yeah.

Cheers. Yeah, me mam rang, told me you were getting married,

said send a card.

I'm thinking, "Sod that." Big sister getting hooked,

gonna be there-- Monkey spunk!

[scoffs]

Hey, wouldn't have missed this for the world. [sniffs]

You know what they say about Marty-- Marty!

Never misses a party.

Where have you come from anyway?

Last time l heard, you were in prison.

Yeah, I was. Five stretch.

When did you get out?

Last night.

-What? -I need to talk to Veronica.

[indistinct chatter]

It's the day of the wedding. It's bad luck.

What have you got on your face?

-[sighs] -What's he in for?

Aggravated burglary and arson.

Do you remember the dole office going up on election day?

-Yeah. -[Veronica] That were him.

He loves setting fire to things.

He's a maniac. He came at me.

Almost felt me heart stopping there.

Then we're having a brew and he starts all that...

-What's that? -[Veronica] Tourette's,

Coupled with hypomania. It's a psychologist's wet dream.

What are you gonna do?

Oh, ship him out, preferably back to prison,

because if there's one person you can rely on to really fuck things up,

-it's Marty. -[mouths]

[Marty grunts]

You can't stay, Marty, you're in prison.

It's only a Cat D, Veronica, they practically give you your own key.

[sighs] You've got to go back, Marty.

[grunts]

It was nice of you to make the effort...

-[grunts] -...but if they catch you,

that's your parole gone.

How long have you got left?

-Eighteen months-- Wanking! -Exactly.

No time.

Yeah, but it's your wedding day, Veronica. Bucket-- Bucket-- Bi!

[sighs] They'll be looking for you.

Why don't you go back, hand yourself in?

-[grunts] -Tell 'em it was a mistake,

moment of madness, won't happen again.

Me and Kev will back you up, make sure they listen to you.

[grunts]

You know it's for the best.

Buckets!

-Drink up. -Mm.

If we get our skates on, we can have you back before breakfast.

I am not going back, Ronnie! It's your wedding day.

I'm not missing your wedding day, all right?

[sighs, mouths]

What time is it?

-Quarter to twelve. -[Veronica sighs] We've got two hours.

Veronica, we're just gonna have to let him come,

-and we'll sort it out after. -No way, Kev!

I'm not having that nutcase at my wedding!

One wrong word and everything'll go ballistic!

Can you imagine the service?

"Do you, Veronica"-- "Bucket bit!"-- "Fisher,

take this man, Kevin"--

"Buckety! Buckety!"-- "Ball?"

-[laughs] Sorry! -Well, that wouldn't be so bad.

-[Veronica groans] -[all laugh]

We'd be laughed out the bloody building!

No, he's going back to prison, even if l have to drag him there meself.

You all right in there, Marty?

-Marty, are you okay? -Whereabouts, V?

Just hanging up, soon as you walk in.

-[sighs] -It's not.

You what?

[Marty] Nice wedding dress, Veronica.

Burn a treat this will.

You try and send me back to prison,

the dress goes up, the house goes up, we all go up.

[scoffs]

Marty,

open the door.

Open the bleedin' door!

Shouldn't talk about Marty like that.

-Oh! [whimpers] -[Marty] It's not fair.

-[thudding] -Marty doesn't like it.

And you're not getting married without me!

-[Marty] Bucket bit! Bucket bit! -[Lip chuckling]

-[Lip] S-- Sorry. -[sighs]

-[grunts] -[Veronica] What's he doing?

He's just sitting there.

Lighting matches.

Jesus Christ!

He's gonna burn down the bleedin' house.

This is what he did at my granddad's funeral, he gutted half the hospice.

Let's just call the cops.

At least that way we'll get shot of him.

Kev's right.

If the house goes up, we're not gonna be able

-to get him out of there. -What about the wedding?

-This is our big day! -Don't take it out on me,

-he's your brother! -He's always been like this!

Hates anyone else being the centre of attention!

Everything has to be about him! Always bloody him!

He wants putting in a nuthouse!

Oi, oi, what's-- what's going on?

Bit of a problem.

Is there any chance we can put things back an hour, Steve?

The room's only booked till three, we'd be pushed to change things at this stage.

What-- What's happened?

[Lip] Veronica, your mum's here.

[Veronica] Just get him out of here!

Fiona, tell her I can't see her. Tell her anything, just get rid of her!

-Never get married. -[Fiona] Carol,

Veronica wants you coordinating things at the other end.

[Carol] All right.

[Veronica] The whole thing's ruined.

[sobbing] We've got to be there in an hour.

-Shh... -And I've got that wanker

-stuck in me bathroom! -[Kev] Oh, I know.

C-- Call it Catholic guilt... [sobs]

...but I am starting to think there's a message in here somewhere.

All I want is to own me own home.

[clicks tongue] For us.

Somewhere we can feel safe.

-Hmm. -Somewhere we can call our own.

[sighs] Maybe fetch kids up in.

Thought you didn't want nippers.

Based on what?

On you saying how much you hate 'em.

Yeah, other people's.

But l might not mind a baby Kev running around.

-Aw. -[chuckles]

[both chuckling]

What d'you wanna do, Kev? [sighs]

Shall we call it off?

Tell everyone we've had second thoughts?

No chance.

In an hour's time, we're getting married

and there's nothing gonna stop that.

[chuckles]

Remember when we were kids?

How you'd always tag along wherever I went.

I know I got angry and that, shouted at you...

but I always looked after you, didn't l, Marty?

You know why?

Because I'm your big sister...

and I didn't want you getting in any trouble...

because I love you.

[sighing]

And that's why I want you to go back to prison.

[sighs]

[blows nose]

[sniffles]

But I've been thinking about the wedding...

and you know something?

[chuckles] You're right.

Because...

[sobs]

...m-- my wedding day...

wouldn't be my wedding day...

[sobs]

...without my little brother there.

[sighs]

In fact...

I'd like you to be the one to give me away.

[whimpers]

Marty?

[door opening]

-You mean it? -[Veronica chuckles]

Cross me heart.

Oh, come here and give us a hug, you daft little bugger. [laughing]

[Marty groans] What are you--

You-- You bitch!

You lying, two-faced-- Bucket spunk!

[panting]

I'll burn your fucking house down! I'll burn...

[sighs]

-Performance of a lifetime. -Just call me Nurse Ronnie!

[Veronica chuckles]

Right, let's get him out of here.

-Nice one. -[chuckles]

Yeah, mid-twenties, probably a junkie.

He looks like he might be dead. Chatsworth Park.

He's frightening the kiddies. All right.

Sorted.

[children laughing]

["Hey Baby" by DJ Ötzi playing]

♪ Hey, hey, baby, ooh, ah! ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ If you'll be my girl ♪

[DJ] And now, Ball family!

♪ Hey, hey, baby, ooh, ah! ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

[speaking indistinctly]

♪ If you'll be my girl ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Hey, hey, baby ♪

[speaking indistinctly]

♪ Ooh, ah! ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

[speaking indistinctly]

♪ If you'll be my girl ♪

♪ Hey, hey, baby, ooh, ah! ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

-♪ Oh! ♪ -♪ Oh! ♪

♪ If you'll be my girl ♪

♪ Hey, hey, baby, ooh, ah! ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

-♪ Oh! ♪ -♪ Oh! ♪

♪ If you'll be my girl ♪

-[music playing] -[indistinct chatter]

[laughs]

-What are you doing here? -Everyone said come for a drink.

Yeah, one, then piss off home.

["Relight My Fire" by Take That playing]

Hiya, gorgeous! What's your name?

-Quentin. -Quentin?

With a Q?

[Tina groans]

You'd think they'd have toilet paper on special occasions.

[music playing]

Tina! Tina! Your husband's just turned up!

You what?

[music continues]

[Marty] Bucket biff! [coughs]

[Tina] You what?

[toilet clanking]

[Marty] Bucket!

[Marty giggling, panting]

♪ Re-light my fire ♪

[Marty] Fucking! [clears throat]

♪ Your love is my only desire Relight my fire ♪

[grunting, panting]

["The Look of Love" by ABC playing]

♪ The look of love ♪

So...

what do you think, Mrs Ball?

-You happy? -Mm.

Very happy.

[music playing]

[Carol] Hey...

this is for you.

Official. [chuckling]

-Oh, it's been a perfect day. -[mouths] Oh, I know.

I only wish our Marty could've been here.

[door closes]

-Oh, bloody hell! -[Carol screams]

-Right! Fire! Get out! Get out! -[woman screaming]

[Jez] ...me whole bloody pub goes up in flames!

[Veronica] We never got to keep the money in the end.

We had to pay for Marty's little firework display in the toilets.

So, we never got to buy the house,

but at least we've got our day to remember,

and I wouldn't change that,

not for anything.

[Frank] Give us a pint before I go, Jez.

[siren wailing]

We are now looking for a three-year-old boy.

[Lip] Debbie planned this.

-She nabbed the kid? -The name of--

Jody!

What will they do to her if they find her?

If that kid was one of mine,

I'd want that guy's bollocks in a bag.

This is all we need, are you right in the bloody head?

She's not screwy, and she didn't steal him,

she borrowed him accidentally.

[Debbie] We had some chocolate buttons.

-[Lip] Who saw you? -Nobody. We just ran.

Please contact us immediately. We need your help.

Who the fuck are you?

[music playing]

[siren wailing]

[groans]

Pig.

Scum.

Filthy pig, pig, piggy!

[snorts]

Shut it, smart arse.

-Bucket spunk. -[tyres screeching]

[siren stops]