Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth estate

is the garden of Eden, you know, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher. And me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

[all gasp]

Y'know, they can all think for themselves,

-which they've me to thank for. -[boy] Run for it!

Fiona, who's a big help, massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

-[barking] -Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair.

One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie, total angel. You've to check your change

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus Liam! Little rock 'n' roller! Gonna be a star.

Once we've got the fits under control.

[screams]

Steve, posh lad, different planet.

The truth is out there... not!

Kev and Veronica. Fantastic neighbours,

you know, lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life is,

they know how to throw a party!

[siren wailing]

[Frank] Scatter!

[Fiona] You know when you drop a pen and you know

where you dropped it, but it's just not there?

That's how Mum vanished.

Went for a loaf, never seen since.

Dad did a superb job of taking on the role

of both our parents. He did sod all, twice over.

[door opens, shuts]

You'd think wouldn't you, that two times zero would be no loss at all,

but I think that old saying's true.

"You don't know what you've got till it's gone."

-Lip, kettle, come on. -I'll do that.

It's all right, you sit down.

[indistinct chattering]

[Steve] No vinegar, who's no vinegar?

[Debbie] Me.

[Steve] Uh, fish... [chuckles] without batter?

[Veronica] Me.

Come on, shift up, make room for little 'un.

Oi, oi!

[Veronica] Only if you finish your chips, come on.

-Uh, uh, who's this? -[Lip] Karen.

[Veronica] Hi, Karen, nice top. What size are you?

-[Lip chuckles] -[Fiona shushing] Shut up.

[Frank] Billy, have a drink.

Go on, have one.

[referee's whistle blowing on TV]

[Frank] Jez, pint of Dog.

[indistinct football commentary on TV]

[indistinct shouting]

-When you're ready. -[all cheering]

[news reporter on TV] The Blair-Brown government

came to power promising to address Britain's position

in the European league tables on poverty.

The debates in the House of Commons today

could seriously affect the way one in three of this country's

families may have to live for the worse.

[cheering and shouting]

Let the dog see the rabbit, mate.

Four kids and half a wage.

What am I supposed to do for food if you cut

the single-parent benefit by thirty percent?

[Steve] All right, Frank. Are you okay?

-Is that my t-shirt? -Yeah.

I just meant-- What happened?

-[screams] -[Veronica] Jesus, Frank.

Bloke in the pub told me to pass it on.

Wants you to keep your filthy little dick away from his daughter.

You're pissed, Frank. Don't do this to your kids.

-This is pissed. -Dad, leave it. Steve, just go.

[Lip] Debbie, no.

-Get off of me. -Fuck off!

-No, get him out of here now. -You're pathetic, mate.

Big lad, Steve, eh? You reckon you're a big lad now, do you?

[Fiona] Just go, Steve.

Yeah, look at him shitting himself.

You're a total waste of organs, Frank.

-[Fiona] I mean it, Steve, get out now. -Yeah, all right.

[interview continues on TV]

Should have twatted him back.

If I ever do that I'll kill him.

So? Seven years for murder, get laid as often as you want.

Tattoos, everything.

Gay heaven.

Ugh!

No.

Piss off.

[groans in frustration]

[alarm blaring in distance]

[indistinct chatter]

[whistling]

[Veronica] How's it going, Conrad?

-Oh, not so bad, you know. -Shirley any better?

Oh, still pissed off about being sectioned but what can I do, Veronica?

[Veronica] Oh, once we got my mum in there she looked ten years younger.

-What ward is she on? -Sixteen.

Oh, well, she'll look about thirty years younger then.

[both laugh]

[Veronica] Oh, looks sore though.

How many stitches?

[Conrad] Seven. Cheese knife.

-Oh, poor lad. -Oh, I'll live.

Not if Shirley ever gets out.

[imitates cut]

[Conrad laughing]

[Conrad] See you later.

Cheers, gorgeous.

[clanking]

[Conrad singing] ♪ I'm horny Horny, horny, horny tonight ♪

♪ I'm horny, horny, horny Horny tonight ♪

♪ I'm horny, horny, horny Horny tonight ♪

Samson Pickle turned to his mum

with a tear in his eye and said...

[all] "You don't know what you've got till it's gone!"

-[Liam] Ugh! -[laughs]

[Carl] There's no point.

[indistinct chatter]

[Fiona echoing] You don't know what you've got till it's gone!

[children] You don't know what you've got till it's gone!

Got till it's gone! What you've got till it's gone!

[Steve] Evening, campers.

-[Lip] Hey, how you doing, man? -You all right?

-[Lip] You all right? -[Liam] How's it going?

[Steve] Not bad. Don't you hate it when that happens.

-They're his tits. -[Steve] What?

It's the only reason he does eggs and he's just licked that one.

[Lip] With a stonking abscess, so a bit more protein

-then you banked on, Steve. -[all laughing]

Hiya.

[all shout and laugh]

Sorry about last night.

[Steve] Hey, look, Brooklyn Beckham's the yard stick on this one,

never apologise for your parents.

Get rid of this.

[sighs]

Has anyone seen Dad since last night?

He was asleep behind the settee.

It's a tent.

Why have we got a bleeding tent behind the settee?

Drying it out, I'm off camping next week.

Bom, bom.

[Debbie] I thought it was Dad.

I left him a cup of tea this morning.

I thought I heard him say, "Thanks, Debs."

[indistinct chattering]

[moaning, grunting]

Hang on tight, hang on tight.

[moaning, grunting]

Sorry!

Came in the back way.

You're not the only one.

Kev, was me dad in the Jockey this afternoon?

This afty?

No, no.

Did he come back to the pub last night?

Uh...

[Kev] Footie till 9:00, pub quiz till 10:00,

scrapping by half past. Police turned up

and yeah, Frank were there but he was slaughtered.

I mean slaughtered.

Thanks.

Go on, Kev. Go on, hang on. You hang on, son,

-we're going to the moon. -[Veronica laughing]

Hey, Tim, it's Lip, have you seen me dad?

-[Carl] Is that yours? -No, since Diana died.

Hiya, Wendy. Veronica, cleaning services...

well, ex-cleaning services.

-Eric, it's Lip, Gallagher. -[Veronica] Carol's daughter,

Kev Ball's girlfriend.

Bought your Sky box off you so you could go to Magaluf.

Yeah. Hiya! Listen, you didn't have

any admissions to casualty last night, did you?

Name of Gallagher, black hair, blue eyes, scruffy, bit mental?

You couldn't check the computer for us could you, Wendy? Cheers.

[Wendy] Hello!

Veronica, hello!

Are you there? Veronica?

Wendy? Oh, Wendy, hiya.

Oh, you haven't?

Oh, never mind. Thanks anyway.

No! Oh, do you know whether it's a boy or a girl yet?

Oi! What is your problem?

Need to ring the bookies before I go to work, no phone.

I look for t'mobile, vanished.

I lent your mobile to Lip so he could ring round and see

if anyone knew where Frank was.

Oh right, so both my bills are being run up next door?

-Oh, your bills? Hello! -Why don't they get a frigging phone?

[Veronica] No frigging money.

Yeah well me neither at this rate, V.

[Veronica] Ah, you tight arsed gimp.

Frank is missing and you, you need to see somebody;

you're bloody weird. Most normal blokes fall asleep

after sex but not Kev, oh no.

Well if it makes you this narky, forget it. Forget sex all together,

because I am sick of this!

[door shuts]

Freak!

You can't file Frank as a missing person.

-Why not? -He's always missing.

That is what I said.

Look, what if he's just kipped round a mate's?

He hasn't. And who would give him a bed?

-He just hasn't. -Oh, come on, Fiona,

we've found him in wheelie bins before.

-Never on a Friday. -[sirens wailing in distance]

What's Friday got to do with it?

Giro day. Hadn't realised it were a Friday.

Let's get the desk sergeant. What was Frank last wearing?

[indistinct chattering]

Shove it up your arse, Kev, and no more favours from me,

like filling in your fake insurance claims

because you're too thick to do it yourself.

Whoa, Lip, Lip, wait.

Lip, whoa, whoa, whoa, look, look, look.

He can't be far. He's never far.

I know, but it's Friday.

Oh, right. Oh, Jesus. Jez, Frank Gallagher,

was he on his tod when we turfed him out last night?

Name me one person who'd be seen dead with him in that state.

Yes, love.

Steve had shot off by then so he definitely wasn't.

Which Steve?

Has anyone seen Frank the Plank since last night?

-Which Steve? -Steve Steve, Fiona's bloke.

What, in here?

Yeah, talking to your dad. Pleasant enough.

Oh, fuck.

[mouths]

[news reporter] We go to Baring Street, where police have found the body

of an as yet unidentified person floating in the water.

He was discovered at around 11:30 a.m. by a local man...

Is that Baring Street bridge?

I broke my collarbone falling down them steps.

After my very first taste of another woman's tongue.

[upset stammering]

Again, Debbie.

Ashley's mum saw a body in the canal

this afternoon.

Stupid cow telling her that. It won't be him, sweetheart,

or the police would have known by now.

I will deck that bloody woman.

I owe her a smack anyway for that curtain rail. I'll go around later.

[Steve] Does that even sound like your dad?

Why would he be walking towards the canal

if he lives in the opposite direction?

[Lip] It depends.

How was he looking when you left him in the Jockey, Steve?

When?

Uh, about nine-ish. I went over to the pub to apologise for the barney.

Bought him a drink. We made friends and then I shot off home.

Why didn't you say?

[Steve] Because I saw him for half an hour tops.

I wasn't the last to see him. How was that helpful?

Kev. When I left the Jockey was Frank bladdered or not?

-No. -[Steve] No.

Can I borrow you for a sec?

[shouting indistinctly]

It's all right.

[Fiona] Oh, Jesus.

Oh, no.

-[man] That's just shit! -[woman] Ridiculous!

[man] Shit bastards!

Police PR prank puts shits up public.

Police PR prank puts shits up public!

How low can you stoop?

Police PR prank puts shits up public!

Police PR prank puts shits up public!

Manchester Mail.

[police officers cheer]

-[insects buzzing] -[birds chirping]

[moans]

[bell tolling]

Oh, my head.

[mumbles] Fuck sakes.

Hey, have you got the time on you?

Got the time?

Got the time-- time on you?

Fine. Right. Fuck you.

[dog whimpers]

Fuck off.

[Frank] Maybe I've had a stroke.

Last I remember I'm walking up Belvedere Road.

Paddy King is going,

"Night, Frank", I go, "Night Paddy.

I mean, this is beyond me. How the fuck did you all get here?

[speaking in French] Let's see your papers.

[Frank] No, but I haven't a clue how I got here.

[speaking in French] Identification?

What?

Passport?

Oh, but you're not listening to a word are you?

I haven't got a passport. I've never had a passport.

I don't want a passport.

[prisoner] That's a Manchester accent, no?

Who said that?

[prisoner] Cheetham Hill. Five years. Mid-eighties.

Oh, man, thank you. Just tell him will you,

just tell him.

[speaking French] If I help, can I go?

I promise to keep my willy where it belongs.

Really promise.

What is it that you need to say first?

Uh-- I...

My name's Frank Gallagher.

I live at 2 Windsor Gardens, Stretford.

[speaking French] He's called Frank Gallagher.

No fixed abode.

He travels Europe illegally

transporting drugs for people he's never met.

[Frank] Look, I'm scared 'cause I haven't a clue

what happened last night.

-I'm bricking myself here, you know. -[exhales]

[speaking French] He has many radical beliefs,

but, the one he is least ashamed of is...

"The French are all fuckers!"

[Frank] What did he say mate? What--

Qu'est-- Qu'est-ce que c'est, old mate? Eh?

Come on! C'est une mistake!

-[Veronica] No! -I know.

-Frank? -In France?

I know. [chuckles] Well, Calais, so only just.

[all] How?

Fax from the embassy just says he's admitting

to drugs charges, but that's before

they've accused him, so they're rightly thinking

-ahead of the ball. -They're charging him?

No, they want rid. He'll be escorted

through the tunnel about 6:00 in the morning.

When will you get him back here?

We can't. Not unless you're shelling out

for a car and an officer to fetch him.

You could get him, we could nip across

on a day ticket to pick up some booze like our Kirsty does.

Could I fuck, because--

Tone, no offence.

[humming La Marseillaise]

Car's not insured,

tax disk's a photocopy,

and the shockers won't get us past Asda.

-Right, Tone. -[Tony continues humming]

I just got out the shower and was coming back round.

Becks, can you?

Who's she?

She's a tenant.

[stammers] What's up?

How did you get my dad to France?

[chuckles, stammers]

Me? Are you serious? Me?

[Fiona] French health warnings.

-Boot of the car. -How do you get him in the boot?

He was so off his face he'd have jumped in a coffin.

He went back out with just a tenner. And I gave him a twenty and a few tabs.

Why France?

Well, my sister lives in Folkestone.

I was going down to see the new kid.

Idea was to just drop your dad

somewhere weird and then I saw these signs

for the Channel Tunnel and the idea just kind of--

-just kind of snowballed. -And that's funny, Steve?

No, really funny would have been Bosnia.

Just 'cause he took a swing at you.

No, because he's got a family he doesn't deserve,

and he needs a wakeup call before he wrecks all your lives.

Bollocks. Because you hadn't the guts to just whack him back.

Look, I don't do violence? [grunts]

What my dad is and what my family is has got fuck all

to do with somebody like you!

[Steve grunts]

-Bastard! -[both grunt]

-[timer rings] -[woman] Sorry, can I just--

Just that I've got to be out in a quarter of an hour, so...

[Steve] Oi!

You took him there, you get him back.

[pants]

[Carl] Kev, look, I've broken the PlayStation 2.

[Kev] All right guys, see what I can do.

[Ian] Kev, any CDs for under a fiver,

get us five but only chart, and UK chart.

Take his birth certificate in case they need it for identification.

[Carl] Kev, look, I've broken the PlayStation 2.

[Kev] All right, all right. See what I can do.

Hey, Steve, Steve. Tow bar's on, trailer lights work like magic.

[boy] Here you are, get us ten cases of lager for me dad, Kev.

[Kev] No, no way lager. The only booze I'm bringing back is ours.

Hang on a minute, whose is this?

Right, listen, listen, oi, oi. Shut up, listen.

Police have just found a body exactly fitting Frank's description.

[Debbie screaming]

I knew it, I knew it, I dreamt it,

I dreamt he was dead.

-Listen, don't-- -[Fiona] Has nobody told her?

[Ian] I haven't seen her for hours.

They've found him, Debs. Dad's coming home.

I feel rotten now.

It were a joke, sweetheart.

He's in France. He's okay.

Steve and Kev and Veronica are off to get him, aren't you?

[Kev] Yeah.

What's he doing in France?

Look, we'll have him home for morning, I promise.

I'm really sorry we scared you, Debs, and I'm really, really sorry.

[Veronica] Joke was, it wasn't a bloke,

it were three bags of rags, so they knew it couldn't be Frank straight away

-because the socks match! -[laughs]

[indistinct chattering]

No way am I pulling that fucking monstrosity.

[Tony] Is this Steve bloke a fixture now then?

Just somebody I've met.

Right. I'm wondering where that leaves me then, Fiona.

You? What?

Me with you?

Tony, we had a great night out.

Great mates, great laugh, sex,

but that's it.

Oh, come on, that's the whole point, isn't it?

One night stand, no strings.

You were me first.

First one night stand or first?

The first.

I only got circumcised when I were 18, so it set me back, way back.

So if you really want to take the piss, spread that around.

Hey...

If that was your first you weren't half bad.

Thanks.

[door opens, shuts]

[Kev] Hey up!

There's no place like home, eh, Frank?

Good to be back.

Fuck's sake...

[cheering]

[breathes raggedly]

[faint echoing chatter]

-[knock at door] -[chatter stops]

[Debbie] You decent?

I got you this.

It's from France.

I asked Veronica to get it for us.

I don't want nothing French in this house.

There's no hot water.

What?

Oh, fuck's sake.

Your giro, and it's Saturday

so the post office closes at 12:00.

Is he still here?

Steve? No, he's just nipped home to get changed.

Yeah, well, tell him not to bother coming back.

Dad, he's just spent five hundred quid bailing you out.

And why would he do that, eh?

When I woke up in France, in a park, looking like a fucking dosser,

all I could smell was air freshener.

Middle of the park, orange air freshener.

I've just spent five hours in his car, same fucking smell.

He did this.

I wish you'd taken a camera, with you in the pictures.

Total shit hole.

Eh, definition of French foreplay.

Bet you were the only one that missed me.

No, because Carl said,

"The gas has gone, where's the pliers?"

And Lip said that Dad's the only one that knows how to do the meter.

[Frank] Hmm.

-Did you see Paris? -Yeah.

The Eiffel Tower?

Christ, yeah, but you know you can see right across France from the top.

Yeah. I didn't stay up too long...

Don't know what the French birds are into, but they couldn't keep their eyes off me,

they were looking at me like,

-"Eh, I am 'aving zis guy." -[laughs]

Well, yeah, it got a bit unnerving so I legged it back down.

Well, I mean bits of France are gorgeous

but you've just got to know your way about.

Do you now?

Every inch.

I have to cash my giro, do us a brew for when I get back.

Okay.

Look, he can't know?

He does, and even if he doesn't he thinks you did it, so it makes no odds.

But I gave him three Zopiclone. Mum s-- Mum said don't use

more than two or you won't know your own name for a week.

Your mum was in on this?

Yeah, no, she prescribed the Zopiclone for me.

She's a doctor?

Yeah. Mum, Dad, brother, sister,

they all are. We're the medical equivalent of a battery farm.

Me included if I hadn't run a mile.

I, uh, I quit medical school two years in.

I am that DIY plane from Chicken Run.

You walked away from that?

Yes, sprinted away from that, in the vain hope

of finding some personality that wasn't a carbon copy

-of my father's. -So you nick cars for a living?

[stammers] I do what I chose to do.

And my dad's the waste of organs.

Hey, wait, hang on, look I've apologised,

I've done what you asked, and I've put things right.

The amount of choices you've had, it's a bit rich that you don't like

other people living with theirs, isn't it, Steve?

-[clattering] -[man screams]

Couple of days until I find a flat?

[Paddy] No way, Frank. I promised the wife never again, we had to burn that mattress.

Oh, come on, Paddy, we're supposed to be mates, I'll kip on the floor.

[Paddy] Definitely not, we've carpets now.

[dog barking]

[Lip] You off?

[Frank] If you lot want to take the piss, carry on,

-carry on without me. -[Lip] Nobody is.

I don't like the way I've been talked to these days.

[Lip] About what?

"When can I have this, Dad? When can I buy that, Dad?"

All six of you, yak yak fucking yak.

Never mind that I'm a single parent,

never mind you wouldn't be here without me.

Surround sound bitching is all the thanks I get.

Life's hard, we know that, money's hard,

I can only stretch it so far.

[Lip] Do you know how much we spend a week on shopping?

[Frank] The lot, that's how much.

Forty-five quid. Fiona pays twenty-five,

-me and Ian go a tenner each. -Yeah, plus gas, plus electric,

-rent-- -All covered in your giro.

There, right.

Hundred and twenty-seven a week.

It goes nowhere. You haven't got a clue, have you?

Do you know how much you spend a week in the Jockey?

-Hey, none of your business. -Roughly eighty.

Well, that's Kev, isn't it? My mate Kev giving it that behind my back.

Yeah, well, he's pissed on his own chips. You see what it does to his wages

when I boycott the Jockey.

-And go where? -The Crown.

-[Lip] You're barred. -[Frank] Crosslands.

-[Lip] You're barred. -Elmo's Head.

It got torched a fortnight back.

I don't need Kev to tell me, I check your wallet every night.

See, see.

Go on!

[George] Ah, Frank.

Or French Frank they're calling you on the radio.

It's like an eclipse. Britain went dark without you.

I'm stuck for a bed, George.

[George] Oh, come in then, man, and fill us in with the gaps, eh?

Is the lad with you, yeah?

He's going home. [mouthing] Fuck off.

[muffled grunts]

[dogs barking]

[Lip] You forgotten you owe him money?

Everybody thinks I owe them fucking money.

He thinks you flogged his telly.

I've been nothing but a friend to that thick Irish dick.

I know who you sold his telly to!

I won't say it twice, go home.

-What? -I won't say it twice.

All right, so people are laughing at you.

But they only thought France was a laugh once they knew you were safe.

The t-shirt I want is mug.

I didn't fuck off like your mam did.

I could have shot off and let the council sort you out. I didn't.

And pubs weren't--

Ask anyone. The odd pint that was it.

Three pints I'd be on the floor.

Brandy made me puke. Whisky gave me headache

and they all took the piss then because I couldn't

knock it back. You can't win.

Your mum fucks off, you're all looking at me.

Six kids, kids to keep on top of.

[clicks tongue] You never had to... do stuff before.

Fucking massive, and clothes for school, massive.

Having to pick it up as I go along. Massive.

And I find out my dad's sending her money,

'cause he's always had a soft spot for her,

so I know he's saying it's my fault.

Proving it by giving me what?

Fuck all!

He wouldn't even baby sit.

One long headache. Because people are looking at me like I'm fucking up...

which I am.

I mean, if you can't do right for doing wrong

what is the point?

Get a few pints down you, get a round in, get another,

nobody's buying you one back and they never will.

You've shelled out for hundreds. Not one back.

But, "Are you getting them in?" You're having a laugh.

I mean, that's all you need... isn't it?

You know, people laughing and people talking, anything,

so long as it's not sounding like six whinging fucking kids

you never wanted in the first place.

Fuck the lot of 'em. Get used to the headaches.

[cheering and applause]

[whistling]

Oh, qu'est-ce que vous voulez, monsieur?

[Frank] Pint of bitter and a couple of Es.

Oh, twisted Jesus.

Kill me.

[French song playing]

I don't know you, Frank,

but it occurred to me that me and you are the victims here.

Two hard working, God fearing men.

We raised children in a straight line with discipline and God's good guidance.

Our Karen were only twelve when I heard her using the "C" word.

And on a Sunday.

Fuck.

F.

How did I, a man who said 16 years ago

I want to work for God in Africa, big place, big work.

How did I end up with a woman whose only pleasures are sex,

TV, cookery and drawing maximum benefits

from the cash strapped state?

Hundreds a week she gets, hundreds! For what?

Being agoraphobic.

I don't know where Sheila's dignity's gone

or whether she ever had any...

Or whether I was just kidding myself all long.

[sniffles] Her world's about this big

and the less she does the more they pay her.

Well I've done it now,

I've left her,

but I refuse to be sorry because--

Because-- [crying]

It's like...

It's like cruel to be kind.

[Sheila] If you're from the church I've had it.

No, uh, they're for you, Sheila.

-You know, by way of an apology. -Apology for what?

[stammers] Uh... Well not-- not apology just--

I'm Frank...

Ian's dad.

Lip's dad.

Oh, the twins.

No...

No, I just heard about your bit of bother, you know.

Eddie and all that.

Well, it's just to say not everybody thinks it's hilarious.

You take no notice.

That's very neighbourly of you.

Come in... Frank.

You have to take your shoes off!

[dramatic music]

Belting house, Sheila.

It feels big without him.

Well, you want to come round ours,

you can't shift with kids. Six of them.

That must be nice.

Yeah, well it's great when they're little, you know,

but they're all growing up now.

I mean, you know, you miss that company, don't you?

When they're all off out all the time.

House on your own.

Well, no, I mean, I love time to myself but, uh...

I mean, there are limits.

Hey.

-Hey, come on, Frank. -[Frank groans]

Preaching to the converted here.

I've not been out of the house for five years.

Five years?

I can't.

I've got an overwhelming fear of--

Oh, God.

I've got agoraph-- I'm really sorry, Frank

I know I'm daft about shoes but feet have to--

These stink to high heaven.

Oh, God, Sheila, sorry, I'll bugger off out of your way. Sorry!

You see again, by the time you get the bathroom, hot water gone.

No, I tried running the bath when I got back from France, hot water gone.

You know, it's always muggins

having to boil kettles and--

-We've hot water. -Hey, congratu-fucking-lations.

No, in case you wanted a bath.

Here?

Where in France?

[water dripping gently]

[knocking]

Frank? Frank? There are clothes out here.

I've stuck yours in the wash so I hope they fit.

Sorry, Sheila, I nodded off.

You must be exhausted.

-Won't Eddie miss them? -Not unless he sheds four stone.

Found Christ, then barrelled.

You're quite lean, aren't you?

Yeah, I can go for about three days without food.

Suits you.

Anyway, they're yours if you want them.

Oh, Jesus.

It's all right.

Something I haven't seen for a long time.

Eddie's only just left, hasn't he?

I've never seen Eddie's.

Always had to be pitch black for Eddie.

Saw an outline once

during a thunderstorm. Like a pair of rolled up socks.

So, you must be over the moon with a chap like this.

[grunts]

Hark at her, desperate Daisy.

Hey, if desperate's a crime, I'm a lifer, Sheila.

Give it a feel if you're tempted.

No, No, I'll embarrass myself.

Nobody here complaining.

It's okay, sweetheart, take your time.

You're not looking after each other at all, are you?

It's a bit tight, Sheila. Oh, fuck. No, hang on, Sheila,

because I can't see a thing here.

[chuckles]

If I'm embarrassing myself...

I'm doing it right.

Oh, yeah.

So, tell me-- Oh, that is tight.

Oh, no! Ow.

Paper said Sagittarius was in for a quiet week.

So just tell us--

Eh, no, no, way too tight.

I've changed me mind. Sheila.

[chuckles] Just a joke, that's all.

I'm getting a panic attack here. [grunts]

No. You know what--

No, that's good.

I'm struggling to breathe here.

Will you beg?

What you in for?

Relax, Frank. I said relax.

[whip cracks]

Not that much.

[breathing heavily]

Oh, it's fucking vanished.

Give it time.

Plenty.

See, you'll smile for me.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

It's been over a year.

If that's not a smile, I don't know what is.

And if he smiles, we all smile.

Sit yourself down.

When did this get done?

Nipped down and stuck the chops on a low light about 7:00.

Snuck back about 10:00 to peel the spuds.

What time is it?

Fuck's sake. What did you slip us?

Just natural tiredness, Frank.

Was probably jet lag.

You weren't asleep, you were just staring.

Look at the good it's done you,

you look like you've got blusher on.

[laughs]

["The Waltons" theme music playing on TV]

[phone ringing]

-I haven't got one. -I haven't got one.

[phone ringing]

Are you contract or pay as you go?

Hello?

I'm the only child my father's scared of

because I'm the total opposite.

Because I wanted to be.

You're... You're kind of...

You're kind of me in a skirt.

And I don't honestly believe we could get this lucky twice.

Skirt or no skirt...

these are for you.

[Fiona] Reactions to the loss were mixed.

Debbie missed him like mad, until she realised

he was only a walk away and Sheila was lovely.

Now! Go on! Go on now! Debbie, get out of the way.

[Fiona] Dad would need skivvies wherever he ended up.

Here he comes! Here he comes!

He was in parasite heaven, returning only on Fridays, 8:00 to 8:30,

bringing newfound parenting skills back to the homestead.

Every time it looked like this family was falling apart,

the next time you looked, we'd doubled the numbers.

Sheila's wasn't Sheila's anymore,

it was where Dad lived,

it was his house,

Dad and Sheila's. Part of the Gallagher colony.

[Sheila] Brekky's under the grill.

We'd always be welcome, so long as money wasn't an issue,

that seemed fair enough.

Because we got more floor space to ourselves.

Near the top, Deb, bit of bird shit.

There, on the right...

More up-- Yeah, more on the right.

Hey, watch the ladder.

All right, if you can't be good, start saving!

[Frank laughs]

Me and Kev are getting married!

[screaming]

-[Fiona] You're gonna fake it? -[Veronica] We'll still be married.

-Just won't be legal. -[both laugh]

[Lip] He's a maniac. He came at me.

[Veronica] He's gonna to burn down the bleeding house.

How long does it take to get a divorce?

[screams]

[theme music playing]

You may remember, a few weeks ago we showed you these, the kuffs 'o luv.

Six ninety-nine and a bargain.

The cuffs were manufactured in Stoke on Trent

but a faulty locking mechanism

was illegally imported from North Korea,

without this channel's knowledge or approval.