All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S23E05.1080p.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

The hot new reality
dating show Sex Farm

is coming to Quahog.

Contestants conceal
their identities

by dressing as farm animals
in hopes of finding love.

Auditions are
being held all week

at the long-empty
Miramax offices downtown.

Imagine naming a company
after your mother

and then molesting
everyone who comes in.

Auditions?

Maybe I could meet my person.

Your "person"?

Oh, is your "person"
a good "human"?

You gonna post your
engagement ring with,

"So, this just happened"?

You gonna hashtag #VanLife?

You gonna get
murdered in Florida?

No one's gonna look for
you, you basic white bitch.

This is gonna be awesome.

- I'm gonna try out.
- Well, good luck.

I hope your reality show
goes better than mine did.

This
season on Alone,

12 contestants will be
droppd in the wilderness.

Remember, you're on camera,
so don't masturbate.

Remember, you're on camera,
so don't masturbate.

Remember, you're on camera,
so don't masturbate.

I didn't even make
it to the ground.

Thank you for coming
in today, Meg.

We're excited to see if
you have what it takes

to be on Sex Farm.

Thanks. So, is there anything
I need to do for this audition?

No. Most of modern auditions

is just us going through
all your old tweets

to see if there are any
racist or homophobic slurs.

Now, I see you've never
retweeted Bowen Yang. Why?

I see that I was wrong,
and I now understand

comedy is mostly about
getting angry at funny things.

You're in.

This season on Sex Farm,
we're in Quahog, Rhode Island,

with an all-new cast
of horny livestock.

What's going on, guys?

It's me, Corey,
from Corey's World.

After being virally ambushed

while screaming at my
stepmom in a Walmart,

I've taken a demotion from
YouTube to network television.

And I am totally
less-profitably stoked

to be your host
tonight on Sex Farm.

Let's get to know
these filthy animals.

No
middle-aged spinster here,

I'm just a frisky
little pussycat.

I'm here
because sleeping in a barn

is preferable to an
unfurled wrestling mat.

I'm ready
to swine and dine.

Oink, oink, boink, boink.

Yuck. The herd will
decide who stays

to continue their
journey for love

and who gets put out to pasture.

All part of the barn
dance here on Sex Farm,

where our pronouns
are "yee" and "haw."

I-I don't get that.

Hey, there. Nice ass.

I'm wondering if you're
down for some porkin'.

Oh, my, that's
going right at it, isn't it?

Sorry, little piggy, I
think you's is sloppin'

at the wrong trough.

Oh, uh, sorry.

Uh, hey, there. Nice ass.

I'm wondering if you're
down for some porkin'.

I had to
take 80 milligrams

of Thorazine 'cause I'm having

a claustrophobic
freak-out in here.

So, pass.

Wow, you really
packed that away in a hurry.

Thanks.

I may be dressed like a pig,

but I have two
stomachs like a cow.

You're funny.

It's not really a joke.

I'm not expected
to live past 40.

Looks like I made
it just under the wire.

I'm only 18.

Oh, your Liberty
Mutual tote bag threw me off.

It's how I
carry my loose fruit.

I like you.
You don't try very hard.

Oh, I'm trying very hard.

What's going on, guys?
It's your boy Corey.

Be sure to check
me out on Cameo.

The producers said I
couldn't mention it,

but I'm betting they
don't even watch the show.

So, a big part of
finding love on the farm

is having our
contestants go on dates

and then be surprised
by a musical act

you've never heard of.

I couldn't believe it.
We walked around the corner,

and there was Barton James.

♪ Won't you hold my hand... ♪

- Oh, my God.
- I love this song.

♪ Make me understand... ♪

Barton James
and a girl in a pig mask?

Yeah, it was a pretty good day.

♪ Man. ♪

Check it out,
guys, Barton James'

new album Country
Girl is now available

exclusively on Deezer.

We had to say that or
he wouldn't show up.

Devout Christian
Barton James was unvaccinated

and a general pain in
the ass to deal with.

What's going on, guys?

Dates have ended,
and it's almost time

to find out who's got the heat

and who's being
turned into meat.

Fan favorite The Cow
is recovering nicely

from his panic
attack at Group Coop.

I don't really
care if I fall in love.

I just need to be
done with this show,

like, as soon as possible.

I haven't taken a
normal breath in...

...three days.

Guys, if you or someone you know

is struggling with
anxiety or depression,

go to SexFarm-BummedOut.com.

Wild cards Pig and
Chicken really hit it off

at the group feces bath.

Let's see if their
connection continues

on their mandatory
reality-show helicopter ride.

I really like
spending time with you.

You're so spontaneous.

I really like you, too.

And I'm sorry for that
fart you're gonna smell.

I knew you wouldn't hear it,

but I didn't think it was
gonna be as bad as it was.

I actually
did hear it.

And I think I might be
falling in love with you.

Hey, guys,

what was the one rule I had?

No farting
in the helicopter.

No farting in the helicopter.

I killed bin Laden,
now I'm doing this.

Before we find out which
couple will be the first

put out to pasture, we're
gonna put up a QR code

that's a direct link to Deezer,

where you can hear Barton James
duet with Kyle Rittenhouse.

And the first
eliminated couple is...

...Pig and Chicken.

Which means fan favorite
Cow remains on the farm.

I told producer Josh
I desperately want to go home.

Pig and Chicken,
turn in your hay

and head to the slaughterhouse.

Hey, I'm sorry
I dragged you down.

And I'm sorry I embarrassed you
in front of Bethenny Frankel.

That was
Bethenny Frankel?

I thought it was a scarecrow.

Well, the
crows were scared.

- Is she gone?
- I-I don't know.

I-I mean, I want the corn, but
I don't want to have to hear

about how much trouble
she's having dating.

Well, I
guess this is it.

It was nice while it lasted.

Wait, Pig!

- Yes?
- I don't even know your name.

I'm Meg.

I'm just worried you won't
be as attracted to me

when I take this off.

You're
dressed like a pig.

I'll take my chances.

I was right.

You are prettier than a pig.

Your turn.

And I don't care what you
look like under that mask.

That's
good, because...

I'm a chicken.

My name is Nugget.

Wait a minute,
you're not related

to the giant chicken, are you?

He's my dad.

- What is it, Peter?
- I forgot to go to college.

Oh, Meg, there you are.

Sit down. We're
watching Sex Farm.

- Have you seen it?
- Mom, I was on it.

- I was the pig.
- What?

Yeah, I don't remember that,
either, but check it out:

the cow escaped and then a
fan vote brought him back.

They caught him hiding on one
of those Chick-fil-A billboards.

Once again, please
stop voting for me.

This is a cry for help. I
swear to God, I'll jump.

That guy is so funny.

I'm gonna vote for
him a hundred times.

Well, have fun.

Where are you going
all dolled up?

What? Oh, that is not
offensive to dolls.

Stop trying to make
yourself angry.

- I have a date.
- With who?

Um, nobody you
know. See you later.

She's dating again?

Whatever happened to that
illusionist she was seeing?

I never left, Peter.

Wow. Wait, why are
you still here?

Well, I'm an illusionist,
so I'm either homeless

or I have a $100 million
residency in Las Vegas.

Oh, my God, the cow
is really gonna jump.

You made me do this.

This is on you, producer Josh.

I'm all right.

I landed just so.

It's so cool learning
about your world.

So, okay, tell me this:

is Colonel Sanders
like your Adolf Hitler?

No, the colonel
is an honest man.

Our Adolf Hitler
is Kenny Rogers,

with his stupid Kenny
Rogers Roasters.

Kenny Rogers? The gambler?

No, not the gambler.

He was the narrator who
met up with the gambler,

and then shared things he
had learned from the gambler

but at no point was the gambler.

Well, all I know is that
he looked like he was 40

from the time he was 20
until the time he was 90.

And died unable to
close his eyes, yes.

Now, how about that picnic?

♪ When a girl loves a chicken ♪

♪ Can't keep her mind
on nothing else ♪

♪ She'd trade the world ♪

♪ For the good
thing she's found ♪

♪ When a girl loves a chicken ♪

♪ I know exactly how ♪

♪ She feels. ♪

That was the best night's sleep

I've had in ages.

I love you, Meg,
and not just because

you have "egg" in your name.

I love you, too, Nugget.

I want to keep seeing you,
but what if our dads find out?

I guess we'll have to live
a lie, like George Santos.

Hi, I'm gay-straight
Jewish Nazi George Santos,

and I approve this message.

Which is to say it's the worst
thing that's happened to me

since I died on 9/11.
Good morning night.

This was written 18
months ago. New lies not included.

Nugget? What are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood
and thought we could

Netflix and chill or
Peacock and.

Somehow we
don't have Seinfeld or Friends,

and we can't show
you The Cosby Show.

Hey, Meg, can you give me a hand

clasping these Mr. T medallions?

I have an event.

Who's your
fine-feathered friend?

Dad, this is my
boyfriend Nugget.

His father is the giant chicken.

That's it, young lady...

no Peacock for a month.

No Peacock?

But where will I
watch The Croods?

That's not my problem.

I don't think we hae

The West Wing either.

Of all the chickens
Meg could have chosen,

she had to choose that one.

Oh, Peter, you got to back off.

My father never
stopped berating me

when I was dating you,
so as an act of defiance

I married you just to spite him.

That seems irrelevant.

I don't know,
Lois, it feels like

I've lost my daughter.

Which means I have two sons.

If I'm lucky, they'll
join the army,

and I'll be notified
that they both died

on the same day.

Your two sons died
getting their heads shaved

at orientation.

They didn't even make
it to the barracks.

Oh, the cost of freedom!

Here's a flag we
didn't bother to fold.

I really want to thank you
for inviting me to dinner,

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

Hey, Nugget, you ever
seen that video of Fabio

getting hit in the
face by a goose?

- It's hilarious.
- Not for the goose.

- She was killed.
- Oh, then that's doubly funny.

Fabio's got a bloody
nose and a bird is dead.

Mr. Griffin, that
goose had a name.

It was Evelyn. And
she had 23 children.

Here, let me show you
her GoFundMe page.

What's your guys'
Wi-Fi password?

It's "ChickensAreScum," and
then 22 exclamation points.

It's on the bulletin board
for when we Airbnb the house.

Peter, we are not
Airbnb-ing the house.

Eh, it might be
too late for that.

Hey, is there any soap
in the upstairs bathroom?

If you read the PDF, it said
you had to bring your own soap.

Well, I'll just use
the shampoo as soap.

He's a medical student.

You know, you guys are being
very rude to my boyfriend.

- I love him.
- I've had enough.

Meg, I'm giving
you an old tomato.

And a final demand or
statement of terms,

the rejection of which
will result in retaliation

or a permanent
cessation of relations.

You either break up with
him or you break up with me.

You can't date us both.

Dad, you and I aren't dating.

Oh, so you've made
your choice, then.

Well, I'd like my tomato back.

I'll pack my bags.

What bags? She
literally owns nothing.

Guys, before I go, I
have one thing to say.

Is this a "pause The Last
of Us" type of conversation

or can I "uh-huh"
my way through this?

- Peter, turn it off.
- Uh-huh.

If you don't accept Nugget,
you don't accept me.

I'm moving in with him.

You know what the British
are gonna call this?

Megxit. They're a
clever little island.

Meg, please don't go.

You're my only daughter

and I can't imagine
living without you.

Plus, I need your vote
to keep a Billy Bass

- out of our living room.
- I'm sorry, Mom.

My decision has
been made. Goodbye.

Well, now seems like a good time

to reopen the Billy Bass vote.

All in favor, say aye.

- Aye. - Aye.
- Aye.

- All opposed?
- Nay.

- Present.
- Coward.

Billy Bass approved.

Billy, what do you
think Meg's gonna say

to the Uber driver?

♪ Take me to the river ♪

♪ Drop me in the water. ♪

Ah, we are thriving without Meg.

Is something wrong, Peter?
You've barely touched our food.

I heard from Bonnie that
Meg moved out of the house

and Lois could never breastfeed.

What? How'd you hear that?

Oh, Bonnie subscribes
to a service

that alerts her any
time another mom fails.

- That's wild.
- I know.

Donna gives Cleveland Jr.

Unlimited video
game time, but...

Peter, isn't it weird
with Meg out of the house?

Nah, it's fine. Although
we got a lot more mice

- around the house now.
- Mice?

Yeah, Meg handled all
our rodent problems.

She used to just squeeze
'em and pop their heads off.

All except one that
she'd leave alive

to run and go tell the
story to the others.

Meg's a nice girl.

Yeah, when I remodeled my house,

Meg hauled away all the
discarded insulation.

Don't know what she did with it.

Oh, yeah, Meg's great.

She sold me a ton of
insulation super cheap.

Oh, my God, you guys are right.

This one time, Meg
fell down the stairs

a-and she... and-and
she broke her clavicle.

You guys, I think I miss Meg.

Wa-Was there gonna be more to
the story about the stairs?

What do you say we go to
the giant chicken's house

and get my daughter back?

- I'm in.
- Let's do it.

So the laughing was 'cause
your daughter hurt herself?

Honey, did you order
a fat bag of crap?

Stand aside. I'm here
to get my daughter back.

She's not coming with you.

- She's perfectly happy here.
- Are you sure?

We can make this
worth your while.

We're prepared to
trade Brittney Griner.

Hey, stop trading me.

I just want to play basketball.

And smoke weed, apparently.

I wasn't smoking it, I
was just carrying it.

Whatever. I'm still
mad we traded for you

instead of that
other guy, whose name

I had never heard of and
can no longer remember.

Yeah, that poor guy.

Bring him home,
whatever his name is.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Meg, this nonsense has to stop.

You're a Griffin, and...

it's time to, uh... Do...

do your neighbors always
have that bounce house

or is this... is it
a special occasion?

- I really don't know.
- Okay, yeah, but Meg,

I mean it. We all
miss you, and...

Oh, a heavy lady's
rolling into it.

Probably the aunt who
likes to have fun.

Wow, her face got red quick.

Dad, I told you,
Nugget and his family

treat me better than
you guys ever did.

And I won't be
coming home. Dad?

It's a Iron Man house!

Okay, you know what,

I think we need to regroup here.

We're sorry to
have bothered you.

I squashed a boy.

Oh, come on, cheer up, Peter.
Look, the best thing to do

to put all this
Meg drama behind us

is a fun family activity
that we can all do together.

You know, I was supposed
to be here today anyway,

but then Tyler cancelled
his birthday party.

Ice cream sundae bar with
Haribo brand gummi bears?

Tyler! Tyler! Tyler!

Hey, Ty. Guess we got
our wires crossed, huh?

I-It was a numbers thing.

I think his parents made
him invite the T-ball kids.

- All right, Dad! Yeah!
- Good job, Giant Chicken!

Yes!

I've lost my daughter.

Come on, gang.

Group selfie for the
family Instagram account.

Everybody say "seeds."

Seeds!

Griffin? What do you want?

Um, I, uh...

Meg, do you have
a flat dollar bill

for the change machine?

I wanted to play the arcades.

- We don't play the arcades.
- Nerds.

Because we have stand-up games

- in our basement rec room.
- Aw.

Guess you'll just
have to make do

with your crinkled ones.

Eh.

Honey, the scattered
grain is delicious.

- You outdid yourself.
- Well, don't thank me.

Thank the good
people at Monsanto,

who make delicious
grain that's packed with

antidepressants and steroids.

I'm so glad you decided
to come live with us, Meg.

Me too.

But I couldn't help feel
a little sorry for my dad

at the bowling alley.

He bowled with the
lane guards up.

Without the jeopardy
of a gutter ball,

what is bowling?

He just has his own
way of doing things.

- Yeah, the wrong way.
- Honey...

No, she knows.
That's why she left.

No. I left because
I love your son,

not because I hate my dad.

Meg, either you hate your dad

or you leave this house.

An old tomato.

You're just like him.

What did you say?

You're just... like... him.

Wait, I-I can't hit
you. You're a girl.

Huh.

Oh, Meg, I'm so
happy you realized

your place is here at
home with your father.

It really wasn't that.

It's just... all
my stuff is here.

What stuff?!

Also, turns out Nugget's gay.

I saw his texts and
it's all tiny cocks.

Oh, "Nugget" Nugget?