Original subtitles

Verily, my lady, though must know it,

the truth I have not stretcheth,

for your gaze have caused my pants to stretcheth.

♪ Please release me, let me grow ♪

Forsooth, I must leave to defend my honor.

And I'd rather be on her than off her.

(laughter)

How will I defend myself?

Oi. My tool has gone limp.

For which the time-tested Elizabethan cure is

a ten-minute intermission.

Okay, thank you. Thank you. All right.

Don't forget to toss your cookies, and remember,

loud clanking noises hurt my ears,

but the sound of green paper is very soothing.

Thank you. Thank you.

Say hello to Peter and Paul. Thank you, darling.

Thank you, Mr. Manson. Thank you.

Rich. Rich within my wildest dreams.

Hi, pookie.

Look, now we can buy that shoelace we've always dreamed of.

Let's go, Robbie. Come on.

Hey. Let me see your panhandling license.

Sgt. Pepper, I ain't been handling no pans.

You look good in blue. I like the star.

-Get moving. -Okay.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!

Did you call that casting agent yet?

About the revival of "Laugh-In"? Please.

-Lucky I called for you. -(sighs)

If you really wanna be an actor,

you gotta try for things like that.

I can't leave San Francisco.

There are bums who haven't spit on me.

Women I've only slept with once.

-Thanks. -I think you're scared of success.

'Cause I don't wanna sell out?

No, because for you success is selling out.

Fine. I'll go Hollywood. Don't do it!

That way lies fear, famine, and fart jokes.

You see? Even my inner old crone hates the idea.

I'm a gonzo guy. What I do wouldn't work on TV.

Woman: Robin!

I knit this scarf for you.

Thanks. We'll treasure it.

Friend of yours?

The Fonz knows how to deal with situations.

First, I want Ron--

(laughter)

Ron who? My name is Richie.

First I want Richie.

You know, Andy Griffith never called me Ron.

-He always called me Opie. -He thought you were Opie.

And he still can't believe you changed your name

and switched fathers.

Ladies and gentlemen, the king of all sitcoms, Garry Marshall.

Otherwise known as the boss man.

-All right. All right. -(applause stops)

-Hey, I didn't say stop. -(applause continues)

How much am I paying you two?

Less than you paid Randall and Klugman on "The Odd Couple."

Randall and Klugman were comic geniuses.

They never screwed up my lines like you screw up Harvey's.

It's our process.

It's what keeps "Happy Days" happy.

Yes, you're all talented, happy, and professional.

Being a head writer's a dream.

Which is why I know it's all gonna go horribly wrong.

Harvey, thank you for the uplifting pep talk.

May I steal you away a second?

Yeah, sure.

See if you can get along without me for a couple minutes.

I got something to ask you.

Please, not another rewrite on the "Blansky's Beauties" pilot.

We've already got two top-ten TV shows.

Why would you want another one?

Take my mind off this one.

Woman: I can't say this. Who wrote this?

Oh, here we go again.

You're the boss' sister, Penny.

That's why I get all the crappy lines.

Oh, really, Cindy?

Well, then why are my lines just as crappy?

Why is your dressing room ten inches longer than mine, hmm?

You measured our dressing room?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I had my assistant do it.

-Oh--Oh, I'm ridiculous? -Wait a second.

You're not gonna ask me to write for them?

No! No, no, Harvey, friends don't ask friends

to write for "Laverne & Shirley."

I wanted to run an idea by you.

See, I been researching what young people like.

You mean you talked to your son.

Yeah, right. I talked to Scotty.

He's good at young. He's been doing it for seven years.

He likes "Star Wars." He says "Happy Days" needs a Martian.

-A Martian? -Yeah.

-On "Happy Days"? -Now you got it.

So you wanna take a hit TV show

and change the entire premise.

Eh, make it a dream sequence.

How am I supposed to write a Martian?

Cute! I want a cute Martian. Casting's the key.

Well, I do know the perfect actor.

"On my planet, we have no emotions."

I'm telling you, this is the stupidest character

I've ever had to play.

Maybe if you used a funny voice.

(sighs) All right.

Whatever.

"On my planet, we have no emotions."

No emotions?

You mean you don't feel love or envy or frustration or anger?

"You heard me. We have no emotion--"

That's it. This is a "career killer."

-John. -I quit. I quit.

Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

John Byner just walked off the set.

We have no Mork. Where's my Fudgsicle?

Garry, we shoot in two days.

We don't have time to recast.

We're gonna have to shut it down.

Shut it down. Harvey, come here. Come here.

You are a great writer-producer,

but it's still my show.

We're not gonna shut it down.

Get Jill on the phone and have her call

every casting person in town, okay?

-You're gonna be fine. -This is my fault.

I mean, I'm gonna make it right.

I'm gonna find us our alien.

Enter and die.

Well, there are fates worse than death.

Like getting cancelled.

Thank you, broadcast standards.

If they ran my standup act,

I'd be saying things like "my winky dink longs for your female place."

Sorry, Robin. It's over.

What you keep smiling about?

I got to work with one of my idols.

I give up on TV, man.

Shoot me a concert. Be as dirty as I wanna be, Jack.

My career really be dead then.

At least you got a career.

First the new "Laugh-In" failed, now this show.

Oh, TV and me just don't get along.

Oh, you'll do fine, man.

You're cute and white.

Me, I'm scary and black, Jack.

Well, not to take away from 200 years of oppression,

but you're up against "Happy Days" and "Laverne & Shirley."

You're problem wasn't racism.

It was Garry Marshall.

-Harvey. -Yes. Comedy Store. Right.

And he's really funny?

Hysterical. Okay. What's the name again?

Leno. Jay Leno.

Now, is that one "N" or two?

(laughter)

Okay, okay, I've run out of places to grab myself,

...So goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight.

(applause)

-That was great. -Thank you.

Okay, but just give him some air please.

Don't take my wallet. Nice jacket.

-Hi. Harvey Severson. -Hi.

-I write and produce for TV. -Good for you.

Look, I missed the beginning, but I think you're hysterical.

-Thank you. -I may have a part for you.

Oh, no, no, TV hates me. She kicked me out.

-Took the kids and the house. -That's very good.

I mean, have you been on anything?

Sure, Quaaludes, cough drops, corn dogs. Also two shows.

Both cancelled faster than a speeding bullet.

Oh, well, you know what they say, Jay. Three's the charm.

Jay? Oh, no, I'm Robin Williams.

(German accent) But in the Berlin circus

I was known as the kleine flaccid wiener. Ja.

No, if you're looking for Jay Leno,

he's standing over there behind his chin.

Robin Williams. I can't believe I've never heard of you.

Oh, well, you should meet Burt Bacharach.

-He's never heard of me either. -Come on. Let's go.

-So long. -Jay: Hi. How you doin'?

-Robin Williams. -Hello, everybody.

Are we going somewhere?

Yeah, back to San Francisco.

We came here so I'd get on TV.

I did, and nothing happened.

But your name's just getting around.

Things are just starting.

Well, you're a smart lady, but you're wrong about this, okay?

I'm not made for TV.

If we stay here, we're just gonna get poor and unhappy.

Then we're gonna start fighting, and you'll turn lesbian.

I'll sleep with your lover, naturally, 'cause I'll have to,

and you'll cut up all my credit cards even though I don't have any.

-Robin. -Ugh.

LA's a Venus flytrap and comics are the flies.

I've seen it. You get a little success,

they give you everything you want.

I don't want everything I want.

I was happy with what we had

back in the land of hippies and fairies and cheap drugs.

(telephone rings)

I can't take being a failure.

Let's go home.

-Hold on. -(rings)

Hello.

You're kidding me. Yeah, absolutely.

-Yes. Yes, he'll be there. -No, I won't.

Okay. Yeah. Thanks. Bye.

-Bye. -That was your manager.

You have an audition for "Happy Days."

(gasps) "Happy Days."

Who am I gonna be? Potsie's prom date?

This is what you wanted. A real acting job.

-Val-- -You're doing the audition.

Wow.

You're like that dominatrix I used to date only bossier.

Come on.

Do it for me.

Okay, but there's something I want you to do for me.

(laughs)

Garry: No, no, we're writing it for Broadway.

I'm trying to go legit.

Oh, hey, I got a meeting. I'll call you later.

-Bring him in, Harvey. -Okay. Robin?

Hey, you didn't get a script?

Oh, no, no. Don't need one.

Character's an alien.

Okay.

Garry, this is Robin Williams.

Garry! ♪ How I love ya, how I love ya, my dear old--♪

♪ I'm just wild about Harvey ♪

♪ Harvey's wild about-- Hare Krishna ♪

♪ Krishna Krish-- (sings in French) ♪

Zibida.

You... wanna have a seat?

Abso-tively.

What's he doing?

Okay. You're an alien.

No, you're the aliens.

And this is the weirdest planet I've been to.

For one thing, everyone's upside-down.

I'll adjust manually. (imitates machinery whirring)

(sings in tongues, blows raspberry)

Ah, better. But still weird.

Look! A Martian yarmulke. My goodness.

The Iridium P-38 Explosive Space Modulator.

That rabbi has stolen the space modulator.

Ha ha ha, that wascawy wabbi.

(speaks Yiddish) Wholesale.

I find your Earth ways confusing.

Like, how'd you know to call it World War 1?

Did you have the next war planned already?

"Who've we got, old chap?" "The Germans."

"I say, didn't we use them last time?"

"Yes, it's perfect. They can lose again."

"Hmm." "What?" "Hmm." "What?" "Hmm." "What?" "Hmm?"

We know these things because we get your TV signals.

"Scotty, please, the bridge is smashed.

Computers are down. We need more time."

"That's one giant step--" "To the moon, Alice!"

Hi-ho, it's not easy being green cheese.

(laughs) Lucy, did you cut the cheese?

Right here on our very own stage, the lovely--

(speaks Spanish)

I understand your name is Pussy Galore.

Normally I'm a dog man,

but I find myself strangely attracted.

(stuttering) That's all, folks!

Oh, heavy sigh. Well, I've blown another job.

I have to go now. My drugs are wearing off.

Anyone wants to sue me, please call my law firms,

Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, and Shapiro.

I'm going snorkeling. I just love...

Hey, Billy Bob, I got--

(imitating banjo) Exit stage left. Chair.

This way. So long now. Okay.

-(opens door) -What in the world was that?

I don't know, but I want it on my show.

Fonzarelli. Fonzarelli. (speaks Italian)

You are very big in my country. Especially in the crotch.

Whoa, dude, aren't you, like, 20 years too old to be a teenager?

Oh, but I just love the leather.

The way it fits, and it's just so tight, the way it cups you.

Just click your heels and say, "There's no place like homosexuality."

Okay, so Fonzie...

What's going on with his costume?

It doesn't fit.

There's no time. He's using John Byner's.

-Oh. -(bell rings)

Man: Okay, here we go. On the bell.

Garry: Okay, everybody. Back to one.

And remember, just keep it light and funny.

Funny, funny.

Okay. And... action.

Now you're gonna be too cool for school.

This is your date, Miss Laverne DeFazio.

Nice to meet ya.

Wow, what a huge thigh.

And your milk sacs are bunched together very nicely.

(laughter) -I shaved my under arms. Did you?

Hey!

Oh, that's a lovely parasite growing out of your head.

And I'm supposed to give you a gift,

so here's a coupon to "Big Jugs" magazine.

-(laughter) -Don't you just love storage jars?

Now you're supposed to get very drunk.

Fonzie says I'll look a lot better after you consume lots of alcohol.

-(laughs) -Cut, cut, cut.

Cut, Penny, Penny, can we please just do one take

without you laughing?

Yeah, I'll try. I'll try. But I doubt it. Come on.

Can you tell her to stop pinching my ass?

It happened really quickly. You didn't see it. It was fast.

Garry: All right, Penny, keep your hands to yourself.

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -Hey.

All right, let's get serious. Back to one.

And remember, loosey-goosey.

(audience laughing)

Garry: A little less loosey, a little more goosey.

Thank you. Sorry. Goosey. Whoo! Sorry.

We're ready now. I'm okay! Okay.

Garry: All right, calm down. Everybody, calm down.

All right, and... action.

Now you're gonna be too cool for school.

-Gotcha! -This is your date,

Miss Laverne DeFazio.

Pleased to meet ya.

Wow! I'm supposed to give you a coupon.

But I don't have it in my boot, so I'm gonna go down here and grab it from here.

No one didn't see that. We're gonna put it in here inside my shoe.

So basically, what you missed was,

(speaking gibberish)

(audience laughing)

Here we are. Here's a coupon for "Big Jugs" magazine.

In case you missed it, here it is, there it is.

-And there it is. And here it is. Uh-oh! -Garry: Okay...

That's great. Cut, cut. Everybody, that's fine.

Robin, maybe a little less caffeine.

Oh, yes, sir.

(slowed voice) A little less caffeine.

Pleased to meet you. Don't be upset,

but mama, mama.

(chuckles) No, no, it's not just the big ratings.

Listen, Frank, it's the buzz. In 25 years,

I've never heard buzz like this.

Uh, wait. You know what? Hold on, Frank.

I'm gonna put you on speaker phone. Let me...

-Frank, the network honcho? -Yeah.

Hey, Frank, I've got Harvey Severson with me here.

He wrote the episode.

-Harvey, great stuff. -Thank you.

You're better looking in your pictures.

Funny guy. You should write sitcoms.

Garry: Hey, Frank...

I got a word for you.

-Spinoff. -Come on.

It was fun. It was a stunt, a gag.

Our viewers don't wanna see a retread

of "My Favorite Martian."

Wrong, wrong-- they'll wanna see Robin Williams.

Hey, I got the whole thing figured out in my head.

The Mork character, he hooks up with this cute girl.

-What girl? -Oh, a pretty young actress.

You don't know her yet, but she's fabulous.

It's kind of out there.

(inhales sharply, sighs)

You wanna try, go ahead. Write a pilot.

(chuckling) Okay. Hey, Frank, thanks a lot.

I'll call you later. (laughing)

Who's the actress?

(sighs)

I have no idea. I made the whole thing up.

But there is a girl...

(projector clacking, whimsical music playing)

I love my hair.

Always full and shiny.

Thanks to an incredible new shampoo.

Pam Dawber.

See, I saw this commercial, and it hit me.

All the fuss we go to with pitching and writing

and shooting a pilot-- who needs it?

Watch this.

Okay, that's a lovely parasite growing out of your head.

I love my hair.

And your milk sacs are punched together very nicely.

Always full and shiny.

(audio shuts off)

Right. So this is...

This, this is the pilot for "Mork & Mindy."

And I'm supposed to give you a gift, so...

here's a coupon to "Big Jugs" magazine.

Oh, heh. Yes. Yeah.

-On the right there. -Here? Cool.

I-I'm really sorry, Garry, but, uh...

Can I call you Garry?

It would be the highlight of my day.

Great. So, um, Frank had an emergency out of the office.

We're having trouble again with Robert Blake on "Baretta."

But he will call on speaker.

(chuckling) As long as he'll call.

So what did I read? That you're the new VP of Comedy?

Very exciting, yes.

Hopin' to work my way up to drama.

Me, too.

-(phone ringing) -Thank God.

(chuckles)

-We're here, Frank! -Hey, Frank.

-Garry, the tape is clever... -Good.

-But it doesn't have an ABC feel to it, you know? -(bird squawking)

Our highest-rated shows are all reality based:

"Kotter," "Barney Miller," "Family."

(bird squawking)

Hey, will somebody shut up that stupid bird?

Frank, hold on. (chuckling) H-Hold on.

This show, it-- What are you talking about?

It is reality-based.

It's an outsider looking at us with honesty and innocence,

and yuks-- lots of yuks.

I don't know, Garry.

(chuckling) Okay. No-- no problem.

Uh, maybe there'd be interest at another network.

(bird squawks sadly)

I'm going to think now.

I'll call you back.

(upbeat music)

(Latin accent) I want to come to dance class, too!

Can I come, please? Can I? Huh, huh?

-(chuckling) Wearing that? -Si.

It might be a bit distracting for my students.

Yeah, you're right. They'd probably faint at the sight of my thighs.

-Come here you. -Oh, yeah? Come here you.

(humming)

(feminine voice) All right, come on. Everyone, back to work!

Places! We open in two weeks! Five, six, seven, eight.

Bob Fosse hands and lots of snaps.

Come on, his name's Jerome. It's not "East Side Story,"

And Martha! Just do whatever you want.

It's called art. You don't need talent. Bring 'em!

You know, the problem with loving you

is that it's really tough to laugh

and make out at the same time?

-Oh, yeah? -Mm-hmm.

-(phone ringing) -(both sigh)

-Let it ring. -No, no, no, no, no.

It could be-- it could be important.

-(groans) -(ringing continues)

(sighs) Answer it.

(as Igor) Yes, master.

-Hello? -Mr. Williams?

-Yeah? -Garry Marshall would like

to see you in his office right away.

-Yeah, okay. -Would 9:15 be okay?

-Garry Marshall wants to... -Garry Marshall wants to...

-see me right away. -see you right away.

Mr. Williams?

-So, yeah, I gotta shower. -Clean up, okay!

Mr. Williams? Mr. Williams?

Robin! (laughing)

Oh, thanks for coming on such short notice. Come here.

What do you see on my wall?

Mold?

I hope you never forget this.

And I hope that this cockamamie thing finally fits you.

It cost me a fortune, but we had it tailor-made for you.

Well, that's kinky, but I'll try anything once.

(Garry laughs)

Robin... ABC just gave us a greenlight

to spin off a show about Mork from Ork.

You're gonna have your own series.

You are gonna have your own series!

(laughing)

I don't believe it.

He's speechless.

Well, it was either say nothing or throw up.

Did I make the right choice?

(Garry laughing) You did! You did fine.

Here, we'll celebrate with a malted.

Harvey, a malted for you.

There you go. Now, Harvey, because you did such a good job

bringing Robin to us,

and because you make me laugh,

-I'm putting you in charge. -Me?

Huh? Gentlemen, in a few days,

I'm gonna hire a lot of people.

It's gonna be a lot of fun, but it can also get crazy.

Well, crazy and I are old friends.

Sometimes your friends surprise you.

Sometimes... success is harder than failure.

Yeah, but something tells me the money's better.

(laughing)

To Mork!

(glasses clink)

(laughing) Yes!

Oh! Thank you, sir! Thank you very much.

Madame! Mwah!

Okay! One and two and three and four.

Yah-ha-how!

(crowd chattering)

Whoooo!

-Pam! -Oh!

-Wha-- What is it? -Take a look!

Pam: "Mork & Mindy"?

When did I audition for that?

"Garry Marshall's..."

(birds chirping)

Woman: Do you, Valerie Velardi, take this man

to be your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Robin McLaurin Williams,

take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

-No adlibs. -(scattered laughter)

I do. I do, I do, I do.

-(laughing -I do. I do.

Then I pronounce you husband and wife.

-You may now-- -Have sex with the bride in front of all these people?

Okay, why not?

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

Man: God bless you.

(gentle guitar music)

Man: Well done.

(indistinct chatter)

I'll buy you a banjo when we're done.

-(laughing) -Hi, what's your position with the show?

I'm here to screw it up.

Garry: Hello, everyone! Hello!

Welcome, welcome to "Mork & Mindy."

Come in, gather round. Don't be shy.

My name is Garry Marshall. You all work for me.

(chuckling) And now that we've got that out of the way,

let's figure out who everyone else is.

You, sir! Who are you?

(southern accent) My fellow Americans,

-I'm Jimmy Carter. -(scattered laughter)

I have lust in my heart and the biggest peanuts you ever seen.

And speaking of lust, this is my wolf, Valerie Valerdi!

Val is the Yoko of the group, coming between me, me, me, and me!

(Latin accent) Don't let them know you have a split personality.

I don't, you do. Liar!

-Okay, we'll sit down now. -(laughter)

And this beautiful young lady...

Oh, I'm Pam Dawber. I play Mindy.

(Russian accent) Oh, she's delicious, sensational.

Have her washed and brought to my tent immediately.

-(laughter) -And at the end of the table...

Uh, I'm Conrad Janis. I play Frederick.

I'm hoping this series does better than my last one.

-"Quark" lasted nine episodes. -Oh, nine.

We'll be lucky if they put film in the cameras, heh.

Well, I'm Elizabeth Kerr,

and my last appearance was in a commercial.

(laughing) Oh, what was the line that made you famous?

"You're such a wiener!"

(laughing)

Uh, Sherman Miller, director.

I know Robin from San Francisco.

I took the job anyway. I need the money.

Sherman, don't touch yourself there. You'll get smaller.

-(laughter) -Here, take the banana.

(laughter)

And this is the man you all have to pretend to pay attention to,

the ever-gloomy Harvey Severson,

who, despite the fact that he rarely smiles,

really is one of the funniest men I know.

It's true. I'm hilarious.

(laughter)

(chuckling) And our head writer, Mr. Glen Langdon,

whose illustrious career includes "M.A.S.H."...

-Glen: "All in the Family..." -"All in the Family."

Yeah, I been around, and I smell another hit.

Sorry, I had nachos for breakfast.

-(laughter) -Ah, the lovely Ms. Lila Milford,

the member of the writing staff

I find most physically attractive.

-I'm sorry, Harvey. -(laughter)

And this is our newbie, Mr. Alan Davis.

This is his first gig as a sitcom writer.

Be gentle with me. I am a virgin.

(laughter)

Oh! Oh, and... just to make sure

we don't get too far out of line,

this is James Spencer of ABC Standards and Practices.

Spencer the Censor!

(Yiddish accent) Now, we might do a little kvelling,

but no way are we gonna shtup,okay?

I like the gray suit. It brings out your eyes.

Okay, playtime is over.

"Mork Arrives" by Harvey Severson.

Young man, I wanna talk.

You must have a very scary brain.

Most of your hair ran away...

and left a landing pad!

Orkians, land here! It's like a beacon!

(laughing) That's not in the script.

Okay, Robin... back it up.

Okay, I'll back it... (imitating speaking backwards)

Got a lovely beat. I think I can dance to it. I'll give it more!

♪ Baby, you just ain't seen nothin' yet ♪

♪ Here's something, here's something you'll never ever forget... ♪

Aw, first he needs something.

I mean, I don't know, maybe introduce some stuff

with a weird handshake or...

Like the Vulcan peace sign, only sideways.

And some kind of Orkan hello.

"Wahoo, wahoo."

-"Ooga..." -"Fana nanda"?

"Nunu nana"?

Yeah. That's it.

Doesn't anyone work in outer space?

Oh, only the Flubaga, who are the equivalent on Earth

to swamis with salamis.

(laughing)

Robin: Yes, oh, thank you, thank you.

That was lovely Sex Pistols with the theme from "Genital Beach Party."

Yes, very funky.

-Rock and roll. -Excuse me. Excuse me.

It's hard to catch everything when you talk so fast.

(imitating slowed sound) Is this slow enough for you?

Sherman: Robin.

(chuckles) Just-- Just take it again.

Okay, sir. Yes, mein capitane.

Ready, Senor Bland!

-(laughter) -Okay.

(chuckling) Okay.

(clears throat)

Let's get this straight.

-Hyuh! -(laughter)

Oh, so okay. So it's--

He's such a laugh junkie.

You know, the minute the crew stops reacting,

he changes the line, even if it's good,

even if it's his line.

And your name is Mork?

Nanu-nanu.

He muffed the line.

It's a good muff.

Yeah, I like his muff.

Robin: That's wonderful. Let me see here. What do we have here?

I see a head cold in your future.

I see lots of sunburn.

And maybe a game of pool.

Garry: Monday night?

They scheduled us for Monday night.

Joe, where's Frank?

Harvey, they just scheduled us to be a midseason replacement

for "Monday Night Football."

They're gonna hold us till January?

This is a disaster.

Don't worry about it. I'll figure it...

What are you doing? How's the rewrite coming?

It was 8:06 a.m. I went home, showered, and came back.

Frank, line two.

Yeah, okay. Harvey, hold your thought.

Frank?

(chuckling) Monday night, Frank?

Monday night?

Come on, Garry.

I'm not gonna risk a crucial fall time slot

on an unproven show with a no-name star.

Frank, Frank, come on. Every instinct I got

tells me "Mork & Mindy" is gonna be a huge hit.

You do this, you'll kill it.

But, Frank...

if "Mork" is a success,

everyone's gonna know that it was you who had the forethought

to put it on Thursday nights at 8:00, opposite "The Waltons,"

because, Frank, you knew

that it could beat "The Waltons."

I know you're there. I can hear you breathing.

Ohh.

I'll tell you what.

We won't decide until I see it.

-(clatter) -(audience chattering)

Young man, I wanna talk.

What's stopping you? Go ahead, live the dream!

Carpe diem. That means "fish of the day."

-(laughter) -Where'd that come from?

Doesn't anyone work in outer space?

Only the Flubaga. When you're 85 bleams old,

Orson threatens to throw you off Mount Snivets.

Those who face death with courage and inner peace

are called Flubaga, meaning "idiots."

(laughter)

And your name is Mork?

Nanu-nanu.

(scattered laughter)

Or nanu-nanu. Heh.

Or nanu-nanu!

(laughter)

Lightning in a bottle.

And it's our bottle.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

(cheering continues)

Bravo! Hey-hey! Bravo!

Wow!

Bravo! Harvey, Harvey, look at that!

A standing "O"! You wrote good!

Well, it's for him. He deserves it.

(cheering continues)

This is not acceptable. Look at my script.

Thank you! Thank you! My people!

If he violates ABC's standards,

I lose my job.

This has to stop.

(indistinct chatter)

(telephone ringing)

Garry: Yeah.

Uh-huh. Right.

No, no. No, thank you, Frank.

Bye-bye.

He saw the first episode. He liked the first episode.

He's putting us on the schedule in September.

Thursdays at eight!

Choice!

Huh, let's see now. What goes with banana?

"No, no, you're all too fruity.

"No nuts, thank you. Ohh!

"At last! My soulmate!

"There's something about that shape.

"Let's go off and make

beautiful squishy sounds together."

"No! you stay away from my hole!"

God, how can you avoid eating junk with the hours we work?

Well, my body's a temple,

only with intestines instead of Jews.

-Hmm. -Hmm!

Well, the truth is, once I switched

to organic foods and whole grains I felt good.

And I like feeling good.

Well, everyone...

we can only go down from here.

Meaning the ratings were good?

We're the number three show in America!

We are gonna be so stinking rich!

Okay, who's the wise guy that beat us in the ratings?

She also said you have a small penis.

-Hey, sit on it! -(laughter)

You two-- This reminds me

the network is hawking me about all the dirty stuff

you keep trying to sneak pass the censors.

-It's so much fun. -I know it's fun.

You're funny. Make me laugh, but...

What? I told you. Fine, let's move on.

What is that, tuna fish?

Robin, it's Pam.

Take your clothes off and come in.

You wanted to see me?

I bought you a present.

You did?

I saw this and thought of you.

-Isn't he great? -Oh, my God!

-I think I hate you. -No, you love me.

-Know why? -Why?

'Cause I'm gonna be rich, loaded, yeah, Lovey!

Wanna go out and get loaded?

You're asking America's newest sweetheart to get loaded?

Or we could play with the doll.

How you doing? You okay with that?

-"Yeah, I'm okay!" -No thanks.

-We should get going. -(sniffles)

Are you sick?

How has he the leisure to be sick

on such a rustling tide?

Oh, you really know the classics.

Well, I trained at Juilliard with John Houseman.

"Do it from the diaphragm, Mr. Williams.

Not with a diaphragm."

And now here I am famous for playing an alien.

It's surreal.

I'm at a party and a Nobel prize winning

physicist going, "Mork, over here!

Yeah, do the ni-ni ni-ni!" Yeah, okay.

You're crazy, and they're waiting.

-Okay. Hey. -Okay.

You wait here. "No, I don't want to!"

You better. Okay.

-Robin's still not ready? -Should be.

He was here early today.

Which means only an hour late.

Okay, okay, where is he?

(Robin humming)

So, you couldn't stop with the dirty stuff.

I'm so sorry, old chap. Shan't happen again.

Yeah, I'm sure Miss Isabel Hernandez

will make sure that's true.

Robin, I want you to meet our new censor.

-Hello. -Wow. Great breasts.

How do you do that? Mine are so tiny.

She's thinking, "Who is this schmuck?"

The schmuck is more meshuggeneh than he is a putz.

Uh-oh. Mamacita knows Yiddish. I'm in trouble.

I hear "Laverne & Shirley" calling.

You two have fun.

Mi'lady!

Okay, let's try one. Clear the set.

Come on, Harvey, come on.

Nice energy. And action.

Mork, put some clothes on.

I want you to meet the guy I was telling you about.

Oh, and I want you to meet the guy I was telling you about.

You'll have to move back a couple of yards, though.

Mr. Marshall, we'll need an extra-wide lens.

Hey, you, drop the luggage and say hello.

My goodness! Darwin was wrong.

I wonder if I'm this hairy everywhere.

Let's grind out. What do you think? Anyone?

Look, the world's oldest sundial.

No? Is that okay, Ms. Hernandez?

Can I say that? Huh, huh? Can I, can I, huh?

-No. -You don't think it's funny?

Oh, it's funny, but that's not the point.

I like my job. Oh, before you go on,

the network had decided

that the character of the neighbor cannot die.

So ABC's outlawed death. Boy, is God gonna be pissed.

The heart attack has to be non-fatal.

What, like a funny, friendly heart attack?

We're doing black comedy

and you're turning it into gray comedy.

It doesn't work.

Robin, it's okay. I'll talk to the network.

Okay, now that that's settled, let's take it from the top.

(crew chatter)

Okay. I'll you mine if you show me yours.

-No? -That's not much of a show.

Oh, really? Okay.

Well, can't we just do one of those

Avalon-Funicello movies?

Come on, you know, I'll have the towel out like this,

and you can stand behind me and be like...

(humming) Come on, don't you think?

(dog barking)

(Val chuckles)

Oh, our first house!

Yeah. Realty. What a concept.

It's a big commitment owning a house.

Being married.

Yeah, but nothing's gonna change, right?

Well, no, not on the inside.

But things are different now.

We have responsibilities.

Responsibilities?

No, mama! Make them go away!

I wanna turn this into a home.

Somewhere where we can get away from the world.

Yeah. And I want paintings.

Lots of them. Nudes on velvet.

Their nipples follow you around the room.

-Oh, yes! -(Val chuckles)

Look! It's like Liberace's bathroom.

"I love this! And the lines!"

Oh, you're already going Hollywood on me.

Am I? I love you, baby.

Don't you want real furniture?

Things that-- that make it ours?

I like it like this. Empty's beautiful.

Furniture's stuff, stuff's possessions,

and possessions just weigh you down.

Or root you.

Yes, but I don't want things in life, Val.

Just people.

Just you.

(Val chuckles)

-Okay. -Okay? Okay!

(telephone ringing)

-You talk to the network? -What for?

They're not gonna back down.

How do you know what they're gonna do

if you don't call?

Frank on line two.

Frank on line two. Okay, I'm coming.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

(Gary chuckles)

Frank, it's Garry.

Hey, now. I got a piece of paper here

that says Nielsen on it

and "Mork & Mindy" is at the tippy top.

Hey! How about that?

Hey, Harvey's here. Hey, great news!

Congrats, guys. You've earned it.

-Thank you. -Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

That's great. Uh, but I'm concerned

'cause right now the whole show is Robin.

The other characters, they haven't kicked in yet.

The only good scenes are Mork's scenes.

Okay, so let me get this straight.

What you're saying is what our problem is

we have the funniest actor on the planet.

Just see if you can make the other characters funnier.

Funnier. Okay.

That's a good note. I'm writing it down

as we speak.

Oh, and in the new episode,

we need more jeopardy for the action one break.

That's it gentlemen. Gotta go.

(dial tone)

Garry, Garry, it's one thing for me to back down.

It's what I do best.

You just took this network from last place to first.

Can't you just say no?

What am I always trying to tell you?

It's a dance. A dance.

Sometimes they dip me, sometimes I dip them.

Sometimes it's pretty. Sometimes, it's sloppy.

But the bottom line is

you don't get to go to the prom unless you dance.

Robin, can I have your autograph?

(all clamoring)

Robin, I can't keep up.

You spend all day working,

and you're still going to clubs at night.

Oh, Val, come on. Mork's my day job.

It pays the bills, but I can be dangerous here.

I need that rush, honey.

Keeps me going.

And going and going.

How do we make the other characters funnier

when they're all playing straight men to Mork?

We could make the whole show worse

so they all seem like they're funnier.

14 nights we've been here past midnight.

I'm starting a new club.

Spouses and lovers of the "Mork & Mindy" writers.

Let's let them get together and have sex,

'cause they're not getting any from us.

-Pookie. -Robin! Robin, it's after 3:00. Enough.

Oh, but I just heard there's a-- a party at Travolta's.

-Robin-- -It'll be fun. Come on.

No, honey, I'm tired. I can't-- can't do it anymore.

-Really? -Yes.

Uh, are you sure? Well, why don't you go home

and I'll get a ride back a little later, okay?

Pookie. Bye.

I'm putting that back in.

Three hours ago you said it wasn't funny.

Three hours ago it wasn't.

Let's just make it a JLS.

-JLS? -Joke-Like Substance.

It's a line you know will get a laugh

but isn't actually funny.

Whoa. Okay.

Mork, what are you doing?

I got a panther in my pajamas.

Easy. Easy. Whoa. Okay.

(laughter)

JLS got us home by 4:00.

We should head back. I've got a great dinner planned for tonight.

Oh, God, I made plans with my agent tonight.

I thought it was just gonna be you and me for once.

Oh, sorry. Okay. I'll call him.

-Okay. -I'll give him a call.

Robin!

Look! You're everywhere!

-Hi. Hi, it's Robin. -Hey!

Hey! You're Robin Williams, man.

-Yeah, that's right. -This is Robin Williams!

It's Robin from "Mork & Mindy"!

-Hi. Hi. -Hey, how you doing, man?

Mike, I--I think we have a little bit of a problem.

-Can I get an autograph? -Mike. Mike. Mike.

Please. Can you really? Hey.

-(suspenseful music) -Woman: My God, it's Robin Williams!

Excuse me. Robin.

(all shouting)

Val.

Robin!

Val!

(crowd shouting)

(sighs)

Mini Fresca on the rocks.

So can I ask you about the romantic rumors?

Me and Robin? I don't think so.

Uh, word is he's quite the ladies' man.

Not to be self-centered,

but all your questions have been about Robin.

Do you have any about me?

Do you mind being a second banana?

Hey, I'm happy just being in the fruit bowl.

I make my living laughing at the funniest man in the world.

Woman: Pam, wardrobe needs you.

Sorry. Thanks for the interview.

Yeah.

That's a nice girl, but let's face it,

be a big audience for a show called "Mork & Furniture."

Garry, congratulations. Again.

-Garry: Oh, yeah? For what? -For what?

Last week "Happy Days," "Laverne," and "Mork"

were all in the top five.

Really? I never pay attention to the ratings.

We have been strategizing for the new season,

and we have some really great news. Exciting.

Oh, good. As long as it's exciting.

We decided that as good as "Mork" is,

we can make it even better.

Yeah.

Now, the audience we want for "Mork"

can't relate to old people like Conrad and Elizabeth.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you saying?

You wanna fire actors from a hit show?

One word, Garry. Demographics.

We need younger actors to help pull in younger viewers.

But the best news? I'm giving you a new time slot.

Sunday's at 8:00.

Biggest viewing night of the week.

You wanna take a top-five show and change its time slot

and-- and put us up against "All in the Family"?

No, no, it's just "Archie Bunker's Place" now,

and they are so vulnerable.

It's called seeding.

We put our highest-rated shows on different nights

to help out the rest of the schedule.

Is that what you call it, Frank?

What is that, uh, strategic network speak for saying "killing a hit"?

You're not seeding us, Frank.

Burying us.

(speaking indistinct)

Please can we have an autograph?

Robin, we're your biggest fans.

Robin! We love you, Robin.

Please.

(door closes)

What'd you say to them?

Good night.

Bet you were polite.

Oh, well, yeah. They came all the way from the Valley.

What's wrong?

It upsets me.

Didn't used to.

We didn't used to be married.

And women weren't throwing themselves at you night and day.

Come on. You know I love you.

When's the last time we had dinner together?

The last time you took me to a movie?

The last time that we actually-- we actually talked?

-Now's good. -Ah, 3:00 A.M.

-Val. -Yeah, yeah.

You know what it's like? It's like I'm your audience.

You show up, do a set, then you're off to the next club.

Hey, you're right. I'm screwing up, okay?

Robin.

You can't spend your whole life

like a kid in a candy store

grabbing whatever's in front of you.

Well, I'll stop.

I will, okay? I'll stop.

You know I could never fall in love with anyone else, Val.

-Okay. -Okay. Okay.

So how about not sleeping with anyone else?

Val.

Okay.

(sighs)

Stop the car.

(man imitating tape rewinding)

So go ahead. Live the dream.

Carpe diem, which means "fish of the day."

-(laughter) -Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

A hundred bucks?

Okay, let's go.

No fever.

-But you seem pretty exhausted. -Yeah.

You're gonna have to get some rest.

Well, it's the last show of the season, Doc.

And the toughest. Mork's mixed emotions.

Look, you play a dozen different characters.

-Maybe we should shut down. -No.

Will you excuse us for a minute please?

Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

I was partying at DeNiro's last night.

Maybe I over did it. I'll get a second wind. I always do.

Why risk your health? Look, there's still time to call it off.

Look, I'm doing the show, Harvey.

Nothing's wrong. I'm fine, and I'm doing the show.

Now get out!

Mindy, that's what I'm trying to tell you. They're taking over.

I'm pity, ugh.

Jealousy here. Damn, I wish I was--

Fear here...

Oh, I'm love. Mindy--

Lust here. Take your clothes off, grab some canola oil,

and let's talk-- Oh, who am I kidding?

We're not gonna talk. Give it up. Come on, woman.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

I need me some of that. Oh, yeah.

(cheers and applause)

I hate this. Believe me, I hate this. I do.

It's a dumb, stupid, cockamamie thing to do.

Not just to you, but to all of us.

To the show.

What can I do? It's their network.

They are such wieners.

I got news. It ain't good.

Nothing can be worse than what I just had to do.

The doctor just told me that Robin doesn't have the flu.

He doesn't have the flu? What is it?

Cocaine.

Have you seen Robin yet? How is he?

Fine, I assume.

Have you talked to him?

About...?

Oh, I don't know, sports, weather, his cocaine problem?

No. Well, I-- I haven't seen him yet.

Where's that son of a bitch, Williams?

I am sick and tired of waiting for me.

If I ever treat me like this again,

I'm gonna give me a good spanking.

Or I could spank Pam.

No, no, be fair. Everyone drop 'em and spank.

-Hi. -Mwah.

Hey, I hate to interrupt you. I wanna introduce some new cast members.

-Jay Thomas. -Mr. Thomas, I listen to you on the radio.

-You're funny. -Thanks. I sure am, so watch your back, buster.

And the lovely Gina Hecht.

Oh, and what are you?

I'm cute. So watch your back, lady.

(laughter)

"Mork in Wonderland."

-Page one. -Here we go.

Back into the rabbit hole.

So what'd you think of the script?

Oh, just another lame sitcom

except when monkey boy comes out to act stupid.

At least they finally gave you some interesting bits.

Yeah, even though I hadn't quite perfected

saying, "Mork, what are you doing?"

Can't believe how they treated Elizabeth and Conrad.

Yeah, I hope ABC knows what it's doing.

Pam, please, these are network executives.

Okay, so last week they were flipping burgers.

Yeah, well, I'm probably next.

ABC is now jiggle TV, and I got nothin' to jiggle.

Sure you do. Your eyebrows, your hair, your pancreas.

Guys'll go nuts over a jigglin' pancreas.

-You're a sick man. -Au contraire, mon petit.

Never felt better.

Things were getting weird, so over hiatus

I pulled out of the fast lane and into a rest stop.

Went to San Francisco, recharged, recorded a new album.

-And how's Val? -Oh, great. She got to see some friends.

-And be with you finally. -Yeah, we had some time.

Well, if you kids are ready, let's put on a show, huh?

Eh, blow it out your shazbot.

I got your nanu nanu right here, buddy.

Mork, I don't understand.

What happened with you and that woman?

Nothing. I spent the night and now she's having a baby.

(laughter)

-A baby? -Wrong laugh.

-Yeah. -How can a laugh be wrong?

He's playing Mork taunting Mindy that he had sex.

The whole point of the scene is nothing happened.

Harvey knows.

It's just a question of what he'll do about it.

-Mork... -(laughter)

Uh, Pam?

Could you play that less angry and more hurt please?

Yeah.

Robin, when you say that nothing happened,

it comes off too suggestive.

We wanna preserve Mork's innocence.

Mork's been on Earth a year now. He's not an idiot.

-He's learned a few things. -Yeah, we know that.

The first year it's naive, the second year it's stupid,

and I don't wanna play stupid.

Instead of jumping through hoops to try to find way

to preserve Mork's innocence,

why don't we get out on the edge?

Do some satire. Take a chance.

L-Let me think about it.

And, um, w-we'll just take it from the top.

We got problems.

Robin: Makes me feel like I'm in Elvira's bedroom. Yes.

Makes me thirsty and horny. Bartender, quick, an acne pimple.

No, no, you know, I've given up alcohol, actually.

I only do water now. It doesn't matter to me that fish make love in it.

Actually, can I have a sip of your water here, sir?

And probably one of your girlfriend later.

Hey, Robin, do Mork. Nanu nanu.

No. No, no, no, no. I don't do that stuff here.

This is my refuge from reality.

No Mork. Okay, moving on.

-Come on. Mork. -Do Mork.

Please. Okay, I'm going to be nice.

-Come on, do Mork! -Okay.

Man: Mork sucks!

Oh, well, tell us how you really feel. Show yourself, sir.

Mork sucks... and you suck!

(audience clamoring)

Oh, a wise guy! Shut up. Leave him alone.

(barks)

(grunting)

John Belushi. I'm sleeping with your sister.

Yeah, I heard, but I gotta tell ya, she usually gets 10 bucks.

Hey, I was a little short that night.

Oh, that's what she said.

When's the comedy start?

Soon as you come up here and take your clothes off, big daddy.

Either I'm gonna kick your ass or buy you a kamikaze.

Oh. Did you say kiss my ass?

Okay. But no tongues, you big dirty samurai, you.

(laughter)

Mm.

Pisses me off when people type-cast me.

I will not become Bob Denver.

Mm. What's the point of spending your life doing crap?

Right on, brother. Thanks for saving my ass out there.

My pleasure. 'Cause from now on, sweetie pie,

your ass is mine.

So, uh, I just got a new pair of snow shoes.

Wanna come out to the parking lot and see 'em?

Well, there's no business like snow business.

Like no business I know.

-Hello, Frank. -First, we're not worried about the ratings at all.

We expected it.

You're up against Archie Bunker.

But I got the way to beat 'em.

You spice things up.

Now, we all love Pam, but let's face it.

She's cute and we need sexy.

Oh, hold on, Frank.

You guys took away two characters.

You added new ones, you stuck us in a brutal time slot.

Please, do me a favor. Don't help us anymore.

Just sprinkle in some sex.

Look how it's working for "Charlie's Angels" and "Three's Company."

Fine. We'll have Robin dye his hair blonde

and we'll stick him in a bikini.

Trust me on this.

Make it sexy. Your viewers will come back.

(line clicks, dial tone)

All the cockamamie ideas.

What am I supposed to do?

Write a guest-starring role for Raquel Welch?

It's not so much that I didn't get to destroy the Earth,

it's that I never got that oatmeal cookie recipe.

(laughs)

And fade out.

I don't get to do a lot of comedy.

-This is such a thrill for me. -Please.

I passed "thrill" an hour ago.

Right now my libido's going, "Help me. Help me."

See you later, Raquel.

Harvey, the script is wonderful.

Uh, but I had an idea.

You know the Playboy Playmate you hired to be my lieutenant?

What if she were wearing a dog mask?

As if she were my pet.

That's interesting.

I'll think about it.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, one other thing.

Could you tell the costume lady

I love my outfit,

but it's important to favor the left.

I'm sorry. The left--left what?

Breast. I always favor my left breast.

Funny. I like 'em both.

Yeah.

We've learned that extreme heat loosens inhibitions.

(imitates foreign language)

You see, getting information out of Orkans isn't hard.

Oh, not yet, but it's getting there.

(laughter)

Now, see, that's really the wrong kind of laugh.

Are you ready for more torture?

Oh, no. I mean, really, no!

-Cut. -Sherman, I'm gonna need a new swimsuit.

(laughter)

This jiggle is killing us.

We had a hit show, and we're letting it go down the sewer.

Okay, we're running behind here. let's try it again.

Okay, here we go.

-On the bell. -(bell rings)

(laughs)

What are all you people doing in my bedroom?

Get the hell out! All of you.

Oh, look. A star on Hollywood Boulevard.

Don't you have to be dead to get one of those?

(sniffs) Eh, close enough.

-Come on. -If I could feel anything,

I think I'd be in pain.

-(groans) -Gravity. Ain't she a bitch?

Come on.

John: Oh, now this is my kinda place.

Yeah, I'll believe that when the board of health closes it down.

(laughs) I haven't seen you around, man. I miss you.

Yeah, I don't go to the clubs much anymore, John.

When I go out, I cause a riot.

Been living my life like a hemophiliac in a razor-blade factory.

I heard.

How's the show, huh?

Oh, the day job.

Well, I got a wonderful future behind me.

At least things are horrible at home.

I don't really know your wife.

That makes two of us.

Best way to escape the storm is to run right into it.

Everyone wants me to be that cute, lovable little alien they see every week.

"Oh, he's so cute." All so safe. I hate being safe.

Better sorry than safe, right?

Here you go.

Hey, didn't you, uh, didn't you just book the lead in "Popeye"?

It's my first movie.

Yeah, it's cool, man. It's gonna be everything "Mork" isn't.

I mean, I met with Altman. The guy's a genius.

He's all about improv. He wants to--

-Hey, Robin Williams! -Hey.

Hey, do Mork.

No. Thank you very much for asking.

Hey, easy. Easy.

Guy's up for Best Supporting Drunk in a Sleazy Bar.

Oh, hey. You won a Golden Globe, right?

Gotcha.

How'd you feel about a pair of 'em you can smack your face between?

Come on.

Hello. How are you two lovely ladies?

Excuse me. You guys ever seen the inside of a limousine before?

You gotta meet my friend Robin. Come over here.

(women laugh)

Oh... (keys clatter)

Okay, yep. She wins another one.

Honey, I'm home. And I'm early.

Oh, it's about in the '80s.

This can't go on.

You look great, Val.

Robin, I need you to listen to me.

This is not working.

You're barely ever home, and-- and when you are,

you're too exhausted to get out of bed.

And now you'll be gone for another three months doing "Popeye."

You're gonna come, Val. We'll have a blast.

I can't. I can't deal with this.

You don't know what it's like.

It's insane.

Everyone wants a piece of me.

"Hey, Robin! Robin!"

(laughs)

I'm struggling to make the show better,

Val, I am, and I just wanna keep holding on

to a tiny piece of my sanity.

No! No, I don't know what it's like to be you.

But I know what it's like to be me.

It's lonely, and it hurts.

I hate that you're lonely, Val.

Well, what do you expect when you're running around all the time

with people like Belushi?

It feels like you'd rather be with him than with me.

Well, yeah, I mean, Belushi can relate to me.

Oh, and I can't?

Because I'm not a star?

Let me just rest for a second, Val.

I can't stay here.

This house is to... empty.

Furniture is possessions, Val. Where are you going?

Stephanie already said I could stay with her.

Hang on a second, Val. Val.

Fine.

Got the whole house to myself!

(breathes heavily)

Frank: Hello, Garry.

Garry: Frank, how's every little thing?

Your timing's impeccable.

Yeah, before you go any further,

we know that Mork's in the toilet,

but we also know how to fix it.

but I also wanna rehire Conrad and Elizabeth.

Ooh. Mm.

Look, we gotta get back to the fun, the magic of that first season.

The sexing it up didn't work. No offense.

Put us back on Thursday night.

Let us do what we do best.

Well... all right. Give it a try.

So what do I do?

I just physically drag him out of his trailer?

(laughs) Good luck.

It's the drugs.

Maybe I should just shut down for a day.

Oh, no, don't do that.

I'll go talk to him.

Robin?

Robin.

I can't go out there.

Why? What--What is it?

Val left. She left me.

She... She's gone.

So what do you think of all this, Robin?

What do I think?

I'm sipping mai tais with Robert Evans

on a Mediterranean island where I'm starring

in a major studio feature directed by a cinematic genius.

Went to sleep Bozo the Clown and woke up Robert DeNiro.

(laughs)

Yeah. Is it a great life?

You betcha.

But will it last? No.

Should you enjoy it while you can?

Well, you damn well better, kid.

It's so different than "Mork."

You know, on TV it's, "Here's the script.

Here are the lines. Missed 'em. Already shot it.

You were nominated for an Emmy. You lost.

Contract renewal.

Five more years in the sitcom mines."

This is a big playground.

I mean, I can be creative. And Altman's an actor's dream.

"Don't worry about the lines.

We only have scripts so there's something for short people to sit on."

Yeah. What the hell to do in Malta on the weekends.

Doesn't matter to me.

I'm an unhappily married man.

Yeah, I heard you and the wife split up.

On again, off again, on again, off again.

Ours is the racquetball of relationships.

Val's a great lady. We just need to work out a few things.

Wives are great. I've had four.

But, being a major star, rich, and single,

well, that ain't too shabby either.

Take it from me, kid.

Life is a mai tai,

and women are the cherries on top.

And speaking of cherries,

are you interested?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Penny and Cindy hired people to read their scripts

and count their lines.

Soon they're gonna be counting syllables.

Ronnie Howard wants to leave "Happy Days."

It's gonna be harder to pretend

the rest of the cast is still teenagers

when they're using walkers.

You don't have bad news for me, do ya?

Oh, no. Everything sees fine.

Good. So what?

So Robin Williams, he's back from playing "Popeye"?

-That's what I'm told. -Yeah?

-Are he and Val together? -I don't know.

What about the drugs?

Oh, the drugs.

I heard the "Popeye" set was like a Roman orgy.

Drugs, booze, sex.

Why do I work in TV?

Harvey, we can't let what happened last year happen this year.

Robin's not a comedy machine.

He's a person.

His problems are our problems.

Be a mensch. Deal with this. Please.

Before it blows up in our faces.

(knock at door)

-Harvey. -Hi.

-Hi. -Can I come in?

-Is Robin okay? -Yes. Yes.

No, I mean, uh... Can we talk?

Yeah.

I realize this might be a bit personal, but...

you need to know that Robin's been going through a lot,

and it's not gonna get any easier.

He needs someone by his side.

Right. He needs.

Yeah. And, uh, if he needs help,

we'll get him help.

But I've seen you two together.

I know how happy he is when he's with you.

The problem is not when he's with me.

It's when he isn't.

(laughs) So now they're judging me for what I do off-set.

It's my life, Val.

What you do affects a lot of people.

Yeah, well, I can handle it.

I mean, I am handling it.

I'm young and things are going great.

Why shouldn't I enjoy myself?

They really do care about you, Robin.

The same way that I do.

Oh, yeah, yeah, well, that makes sense,

'cause none of them were sleeping with me either.

You're hopeless.

Does that mean you love me? You love me?

Come back.

I don't think I ever really left, Robin.

I think you did.

But I'm here now.

And I wanna stay, but it won't work unless you change.

No, okay. Yeah. I'll change. I'll change.

I promise. I'll change.

But I'll do it for you.

Okay? Not for them.

Okay.

Robin: Okay.

-Hey. -Hey.

(blows raspberry) Oh. Sorry.

Hey there, Mr. Movie Star.

-Hi, Sherman. -Good to see you, man.

Good to see you.

-Robin. -Harvey.

It's great to see you.

-Hey, Pam. -Hey.

(laughs)

Hey, everybody. Welcome back.

Welcome back. I hope you're all nice and rested.

Gather 'round here. Gather 'round.

I have an announcement to make.

Some really good news.

I got three magic words for you.

No... more... jiggle!

-Oh, hallelujah. -(cheers and applause)

And to prove I'm a man of my word,

let me reintroduce two of our old friends.

Ta-da!

Elizabeth, you sex kitten, you! (growls)

Ooh. And, Conrad, thank God.

Now we can bring back the boring, middle-aged white guy viewers.

Garry: Hey, I have some more good news.

So we're back where we belong on Thursday night, huh?

We're gonna be opposite "The Waltons" and "Buck Rogers."

So do good, have fun, make America happy.

Mwah.

Good morrow, gentle Daddy.

Fair Mindred.

Me thinks the coactive crow a corral

upon your radiant visages to swell my beating breast.

(laughs) Oh, that was terrible. Let's try it again.

-Robin, that was fine. -Yeah, it was funny.

No, no, I can do it funnier. Here we go.

(high-pitched) Good morrow, Lord Daddington.

Fair Mindred-- No, no, that sucketh.

Okay, hang on. Here we go.

And good Daddy-O.

The network feels Shakespeare is too obscure for our viewers.

Obscure? He's the most famous writer in the English language.

It's a joke. No one's gonna get confused.

Our viewers hear Shakespeare,

they'll change the channel.

Is this my middle finger I see before me?

Out! Out, network knave!

Oh, ratings rascal.

Anyone needs me, I'll be on my horse.

Come on, you guys. We've fixed worse.

It's not the script. It's the season.

Something just feels different.

Yeah, he's trying to be funny.

We can't fix Robin.

All right. Okay, look.

You wanted to see me, my liege.

Yeah. Go ahead. Take a shot.

Okay, but it won't be pretty.

So what's up?

Am I fired?

John Byner's available.

I understand we still have the costume.

Yeah. Hey...

I know I suck out there.

Sit down.

Come into my office.

-Oh, wow. -Yeah.

I got a... I got this specially made.

-They promoted you. -(laughs)

So is there anything we could be doing better?

I'm not feeling it like I used to.

You know, fame... has a way of cutting you off

from the things that made you who you are.

Life's more important than show business.

(laughs) Where have I heard that before?

Yeah, I don't know.

I think my biggest issue is trying to please everyone.

Yeah.

You know what they say.

You try to please everyone, you please no one.

Including yourself.

I know. It's hard.

Wish there was some way to tell people that, you know?

Sure. I wish I had another hit show.

Well, what if-- What if we had an episode with Robin Williams in it?

What do you mean, Robin Williams?

What do you mean, you--? Oh, wait, no. Okay.

You mean you, Robin Williams, not Mork.

Yeah, me as myself, and I can--

I can talk about what I'm going through.

Yeah, that'd be interesting TV.

Yeah, and a way to break through the crap

and get back to who I really am.

Yeah. Okay. You talk to Harvey. Figure it out.

And, hey, we'll film it.

Go ahead. Take a shot. Show me what you got.

Robin: So where do you think the problem started?

It's hard for me to say no to anyone or anything.

Which gets me into a lot of trouble, I think.

Where does that come from?

I don't know.

As a kid, I spent a lot of time up in the attic,

playing with toy soldiers, doing all the voices

and all the noises.

Hope that pays off someday.

I think I ended up needing approval from real people too much.

Then all the craziness hit, getting everything I've ever dreamed of, only more.

Ended up like a kid in a candy store.

-(cheers and applause) -This could be a turning point for him.

Yeah, it should be.

He just went through therapy in front of 20 million people.

-Ha! -Hi.

That was incredible.

I feel like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist."

And I didn't even vomit on anyone.

Hey! Can Robin come out and play?

(Robin laughs)

(both laugh)

Whoa. (laughter)

You all right?

(buzzer buzzes) Woman: Garry Marshall's on line one.

Yeah.

Yo, Frank, hello.

Wait till you hear this.

Funny you should call.

I was just thinking about "Mork."

Yeah, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking it's broken. Well, we can fix it.

And the name of that fix is Jonathan Winters.

The guy from the garbage bag commercials?

He's more than that, Frank.

He starred in countless motion pictures.

He had his own TV series.

And he's considered an improvisational genius.

Beyond that, he happens to be Robin Williams' comic idol.

If we put Jonathan on the show as a regular,

Robin will work at the top of his game.

Ring. Baby.

Here it is, Frank.

Here it is.

In the first episode of the season,

Mork proposes to Mindy.

She says, "Yes, of course,"

and they go have a honeymoon on Ork,

where they have a baby.

And because Orkans age backwards,

the baby is played by Jonathan Winters.

I'll give you one more shot.

(laughs) Thanks, Frank. Thank you.

(laughs) Mwah. Oh, Harvey, you're a genius.

-I had a nightmare. -Oh.

There was this big, scary dragon

who said he was my friend,

but he stuck himself to my bellybutton

and he looked really weird.

Robin: Oh, no, no, I had the same dream.

All the girls like the dragon

and they wanna take him home and pet him,

but then he gets really mad, rears up, and spits fire.

(laughter)

And then I'm awake. Mummy has to do an extra load of laundry.

(laughter)

"Mummy has to do an extra load of laundry."

The dragon bit'll never air. It's too dirty.

Yeah, but the live audience loves it.

Yeah, but the stuff they're doing for protection

doesn't make any sense.

Right, and the people watching on TV won't have a clue.

It's pure self-indulgence.

I mean, as long as he's having fun with Jonathan,

Robin's happy.

Yeah, and then the show crashes and burns.

(knocking at door)

Hey. Can I come in?

Why'd you leave again, pookie?

I'm sorry I haven't come home enough.

Little while. You know, it's been crazy.

You're loaded, aren't you?

No, not fully.

You really don't get it, do you?

Yeah, I can stop whenever I want.

You promised me you'd change and you haven't even tried.

You're worse.

It's been a rough week.

You mean a rough three years.

It's like watching a train wreck, Robin.

And I just can't watch anymore.

Okay, you want me to stop?

Done. Cold turkey. It's over.

No.

No. We're over.

But you still love me.

Please. Just go.

Go.

You know, Billy Bob and I was in the war,

but it ain't affecting us too much--

(barks)

Let's show 'em the card.

Look how the Acme greeting card

stands up to abuse.

My body weight of the Earth's gravitational pull

stands up to 14 million pounds of pressure.

That's right. And yet, the Acme greeting card

is still in perfect condition,

and in fact it's even flatter than it was before.

And what about emotional stability?

Yeah.

I hate you, you stupid card.

Each card undergoes years of psychological testing

by a team of farmers, scientists, and prostitutes.

Jonathan: Yeah, they weigh 'em, spray 'em, and lay 'em.

Yeah, that's right, Billy Bob.

Cut. Great, let's print that.

We're moving on to the apartment set.

(applause)

This is working. This is inspired.

Yeah, sure.

So was the wedding and the baby

and Mork telling people he was an alien,

and he and Mindy traveling back in history

and shooting an episode in 3D.

Just as long as we don't ever do anything

that smacks of desperation.

Hi. Is-- Is John here?

(sighs) Robin Williams.

-Hey. -Hi.

-I'm John's friend. -Oh, hi. How are ya?

He, um, he's expecting you.

All right. Where is he?

He left, but he's coming back.

Okay.

You wanna do some blow?

Oh, hey, wait. Give me a minute to soak in the ambiance.

You know what? On second thought, I'm gonna head out.

Will you let Jon know that I was-- I was here?

Hey. Big daddy.

Robin. Hey, what the hell you doing here, man?

(car pulling up) -Okay. I--I got a message you wanted me to come.

Cool. What else have I done that I missed?

We have sex?

Guess we did.

All right. (laughs, coughs)

Hey.

-Hey, are you-- are you okay? - I'm good. (coughs)

(coughs)

Hey, John.

Okay. I'll just hang out with myself

and hope you decide to come back.

(John exhales) Whoa, where you goin'?

Party's just getting started, man.

(breathing heavily)

I feel amazing.

Robin, you gotta try this.

John, hello? John.

He'll be okay.

Hey. Hey, do Mork. That nanu nanu crap's hilarious.

Not right now, okay? Hey, John. Hey.

If you ever wake up, call me.

(John moans)

(John coughs)

Oh, it's me. But on Ork a jelly bean's a horrible monster.

Well, on Earth it's a piece of candy.

Isn't language wonderful?

Pam, can I talk to you?

Yeah.

(whispering)

Oh, my God.

Hey.

I have really bad news.

Let me guess. The network wants to replace you with Linda Lovelace?

What else are they gonna shove down our throats?

Thanks, Harvey. Good job.

Let's sit down.

It's about John Belushi.

Um, we were just told that he...

What? What did he do? I just saw him last night.

He died.

They found him in bed. They think it was drugs.

Are you sure? I mean, the guy's got the constitution of a tank.

Wow, what a downer.

That's a drag, you know. He's a riot. We were friends.

Man. You wanna take some time?

Time? During television? Man's a comedian.

No, we're ready.

-Okay. -Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Man: Here we go on rehearsal.

Uh, Pam, can you take it from

um, "Anyway, you can't trust this Kalnik."

Yeah. Um, anyway, you can't trust this Kalnik

just because he's from Neptune.

(laughs)

Of course you can. Uh, Neptunians, um...

-um... -Uh, line.

What-- What is it?

"Neptunians never--"

No, I got it. I got it. Uh...

Of course you can. 'Course you can.

Neptunians...

Robin. Hey.

Whoa. Whoa. What's that about?

Belushi's dead.

Yeah.

-But I was with him. -You'll be fine.

Yeah, I'll be fine, but B-Belushi's dead.

No, Belushi can't be dead.

Belushi is not dead!

Robin.

Your lawyers are here.

Why? What-- What's going on?

They need to talk to you.

Why am I here?

I already gave you my statement over the phone.

Mr. Williams, we're trying to learn as much as we can

about the events that took place

on the night of Mr. Belushi's death.

Now, you're not a suspect.

You're a witness.

I know you and Mr. Belushi were friends.

Yes.

Oh, God. No.

We need to confirm this is the room you went to.

Yes, that's it. Can you please take them away?

All right. Let's go through it.

From the moment you stepped inside

to the moment you left.

(door opens)

You came.

-You okay? -Not really.

Come on, let's get you home.

Will you stay with me?

I don't know.

I just figured you could use a friend right now.

So how'd it go?

Oh, they were actually pretty nice.

After I told them you were the one behind those bank jobs in Encino.

Ha.

Death. What a concept.

Mm-hmm.

You know, when I heard about John,

my first thought was, "I hope Robin isn't next."

Yeah, I was thinking that too.

Scares the hell out of me, Dawbs.

Did you know cocaine makes you fat?

I hadn't heard that.

Yeah. Also there's the whole dying thing.

Weight gain and oblivion.

They should put that on the label.

Yeah. So what are you going to do?

Stop. I'm gonna stop.

Good.

Are you high now?

No.

Then you've already stopped.

What you gotta do is not start again.

Oh, easier said than done.

Well, since when has Robin Williams ever done the easy thing?

Shampoo girl gets tough.

Well, if you end up like Belushi,

you know, I will personally kick your butt.

I screwed up my marriage, lost a good friend,

maybe my career.

Robin, you're 30 years old.

I feel like I'm 60.

I blame myself for what happened to the show.

You're the one that made it great.

Both a great show and a great experience.

Hey, you two.

Hey. How ya doing?

He's working through it.

Well, make us proud.

(telephone rings)

Mr. Marshall's office.

Yes! I mean, we sell it like that,

they're gonna buy it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Ted on line three. -Ted? I asked for Frank.

All right. Let's go pitch it. (laughs)

Hey, Ted. It's Garry.

Hey. Garry.

I've got news.

Remember how I said I was working my way up to drama?

Well, I skipped all that,

went right into Frank's job, and I'm really excited

about some of the new things you'll be doing.

First, I wanna apologize

for the way the whole "Mork & Mindy" thing was handled.

Or should I say "mishandled."

Every decision the network made was wrong.

A wonderful show got terrible treatment,

and no one blames you, Garry.

Or, um... (snaps fingers)

Harvey or anyone else in your cast.

Wait. Don't tell me. Let me guess.

We're cancelled?

Yeah.

Love ya, Gare.

(sighs)

Last time we take this walk.

Yep. Fine with me.

I can't wait to be a house husband.

Does that mean we can buy real furniture?

Yes. Furniture, flatware, and fountains.

They'll all be color coordinated and fuchsia.

It'll be a real home.

Pam: So how's it going with you two?

Well, I can't believe it, but we're at back together.

And we're trying to get pregnant.

-Ohh! -Well, I'm trying,

but he's helping.

Well, speaking of, I want you to meet my new boyfriend.

Couldn't you have picked somebody better looking?

Shows like this come along once in a lifetime.

You can bet on that, that's for sure.

So, I hear you got another movie.

"The World According to Garp."

-And how's that going? -Well, fine now,

but look at my last one. A guh-guh-guh!

No, no, no, no, no! Mr. Denmark!

From the network that gives America

"Too Close For Comfort," "It's A Living,"

and "Fantasy Island." "It's lame, it's lame!"

I am really excited, I am so excited,

I'm too excited, I wet myself.

-(laughter) -And you!

"Don't worry! It'll be cute!

You make me laugh!" Here, here, here.

"Another million dollars came in.

"Have it sent to my cockamamie accountant.

Tell him to buy the Lakers. I need better seats."

Where's my fudgsicle?" Yeah, see?

"You can't say 'putz' you schmuck.

Oh, no, I said 'shmuck'. I'm such a putz."

"And I thought I did broad comedy.

"This kid wouldn't know subtle

if it ran him over with a truck."

"Well, I was pretty sure we'd be stinking rich,

but instead it seems to me, well, we just stink."

"And now I can go to Caltech.

I can gather all my friends and I'll them

I'm no longer a virgin." Hmm!

(laughter)

♪ Her name was Lila, she don't like Robin ♪

♪ He's always messin' the lines ♪

"Now, you want to contemplate your navel

"for an entire episode.

Interesting idea. Let me think about it."

(giggles) "I'm cute!"

"This is Jay Thomas on the radio"

'cause I'm no longer on your television."

"Mork, what are you doing under my skirt?"

Oh, never mind, new boyfriend.

Ah, young love.

So much better than masturbating.

"The network said no masturbating."

"Sure I'll come back, Mr. Marshall,

and all I want is Colorado."

"Weiner! Weiner, weiner, weiner, weiner, weiner, weiner!"

"All right, kids, nice energy, lock it up,

and where's Robin? Robin? Oh, Robin!"

"Hmm. Now, I can either stay married to Robin,

"or I can put a nail through my head.

"Well, the nail is quicker, it's painless,

and it doesn't have any body hair"

And we're back to the man who took us off the air

who said we weren't funny anymore.

And you know what?

For the first time in four years, ABC was right!

(cheers and applause)

("I'm Still Standing" playing)

-I'm gonna miss you so much. -I'll miss you, too.

-Bye. -Robin.

-Hi. -Thank you so much.

-Yeah. -Hey.

Hey you.

I just wanted to say thank you

for the funniest four years of my life.

Well, thanks for helping me get on with mine.

-Bye, Dawbs -Bye.

-Hey, bring it in. -Bye.

See ya.

Do you wanna go home?

Why don't you wait for me at the car?

Just gonna take a last look around.

Okay.

♪ Feeling like a little kid ♪

♪ I'm still standing after all this time ♪

♪ Picking up the pieces of my life ♪

♪ Without you on my mind ♪

♪ I'm still standing ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm still standing ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Man: Hey, Robin. Com here.

♪ You starting down the road and leaving me again ♪

Pure Peruvian flake. You want some?

♪ And if love was just a circus ♪

♪ You'd be a clown by now ♪

Yes.

♪ You know I'm still standing ♪

♪ Better than I ever did ♪

♪ Looking like a true survivor ♪

♪ Feeling like a little kid ♪

♪ I'm still standing after all this time ♪

♪ Picking up the pieces of my life ♪

♪ Without you on my mind ♪

♪ I'm still standing ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm still standing ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪♪