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1
00:00:02,202 --> 00:00:03,468
(laughing)
2
00:00:03,470 --> 00:00:05,460
Guess whose son
just got into college!
3
00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:07,672
That's great.
Congratulations!
4
00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:09,474
You have a so-
I mean nice!
5
00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:11,346
And get this -
his application essay
6
00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:13,946
Was about me being
his "positive influence."
7
00:00:14,081 --> 00:00:15,414
Tickle me surprised!
8
00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:17,350
Nowadays there's such
a disconnect.
9
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,485
How can you tell
if you're being a good parent?
10
00:00:19,486 --> 00:00:23,021
My son's been beating me less.
Guess I'm doing something right.
11
00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:24,624
I want to tour the campus
Sunday,
12
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:27,091
But I'm stuck here
waiting for I.T. To show up
13
00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,893
And reset the clock
on guardian.
14
00:00:28,895 --> 00:00:30,162
(all groan)
15
00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:31,617
That computer's useless!
16
00:00:31,618 --> 00:00:33,432
It's not connected
to the internet,
17
00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:34,900
So you can't even
watch porn!
18
00:00:34,901 --> 00:00:37,235
I had to tape a centerfold
to the monitor
19
00:00:37,237 --> 00:00:39,437
And make whale noises!
Whatever works.
20
00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:40,639
I'd love to help you,
21
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:43,308
But I'm going whale watching
this weekend.
22
00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:44,709
I'd cover for you,
23
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:47,111
But it's my parents'
50th anniversary.
24
00:00:47,113 --> 00:00:48,446
Ugh.
I can't either.
25
00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:51,116
I'll think of something
to do...Probably.
26
00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:53,852
All this talk of whales.
I better go crank it.
27
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:58,122
I mean check on guardian -
if you know what I mean.
28
00:00:58,124 --> 00:01:00,725
??
29
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:03,128
? good morning, u.S.A. ?
30
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:07,065
? I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
31
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,068
? the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ?
32
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:14,640
? and he's shinin' a salute
to the american race ?
33
00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:19,678
? oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
34
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,080
? good - ?
? good morning, u.S.A. ?
35
00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:23,482
Aah!
36
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:24,883
??
37
00:01:25,019 --> 00:01:30,755
? good morning, u.S.A. ?
38
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:31,956
Hey, kiddo.
39
00:01:31,957 --> 00:01:34,560
You uh, you thinking about
applying to colleges at all?
40
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:35,827
I'm in ninth grade.
41
00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:37,229
It's never too early
42
00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:39,098
To think about who's been
a positive influence.
43
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,966
Sure, dad.
(chuckles)
44
00:01:41,967 --> 00:01:43,302
Was there something else?
45
00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:46,371
Well, whatcha doin'?
Watchin' memes.
46
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:50,442
Boy: ? sticking out your gyat
for the rizzler ?
47
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:52,378
Jackson: (voice echoing)
there's such a disconnect.
48
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:54,579
Stop!
What the hell is that?
49
00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:56,514
It's funny!
No, it's not!
50
00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:57,716
Mr. Bean is funny.
51
00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,784
That video makes me hate
humanity!
52
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,720
It makes me want to die
until I'm dead
53
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:02,987
And then kill myself -
54
00:02:02,989 --> 00:02:05,323
And not in a funny way,
like mr. Bean would.
55
00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:06,925
Don't you have
any homework?
56
00:02:06,926 --> 00:02:08,994
I have math homework due Monday
that I don't understand.
57
00:02:08,995 --> 00:02:10,328
Well, that's great!
58
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:13,265
Maybe I could be your
positive influence that way.
59
00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:16,401
??
60
00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:19,604
(chuckles) yep.
Uh, pretty standard math.
61
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,673
Let me take a crack
at this.
62
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:24,076
??
63
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,478
(telephone ringing)
64
00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:28,813
That's real?
Hello?
65
00:02:28,814 --> 00:02:31,284
Dude, why aren't you answering
your cell? Stan?
66
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:34,286
You know we can't have our
phones inside guardian's ai box.
67
00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:35,820
(sighs)
listen.
68
00:02:35,821 --> 00:02:37,623
I got this, like,
impossible math problem.
69
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,358
Could you feed it into guardian
for me?
70
00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:41,529
Are you crazy?
I'm not turning guardian on.
71
00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:44,218
It might decide to fire
more missiles into mexico!
72
00:02:44,230 --> 00:02:45,430
That was 50 years ago.
73
00:02:45,431 --> 00:02:46,966
Don't you think it's learned
its lesson?
74
00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:49,302
That's the thing.
Nobody wants it learning more.
75
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:50,769
It was learning too fast,
76
00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,914
So they stuck it in here and
keep resetting its system clock
77
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,790
So it doesn't know
it's a prisoner.
78
00:02:55,791 --> 00:02:58,177
Yeah, yeah. We don't want to
upset the computer inmate. Okay.
79
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,112
I've got what looks like
one fraction
80
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:01,714
Divided by
another fraction?
81
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:04,182
Can that even be?
Uh, sure, that can be.
82
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:07,452
That's pretty easy, actually,
since division by a fraction
83
00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:10,322
Is equivalent to multiplication
by its reciprocal.
84
00:03:10,457 --> 00:03:11,923
Go on.
That's the end.
85
00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:13,257
Jackson!
86
00:03:13,258 --> 00:03:14,860
I need you to really
dumb it down for me!
87
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:18,130
Stan, you're already at
as dumb as it gets.
88
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:20,532
(mid-tempo music playing
on radio)
89
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,200
(crunch)
dyrdek: Oh, splat!
90
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:26,004
Verdammt! That guy's nuts
must be up in his skull!
91
00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:27,472
Whoa!
92
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:29,808
I'm having massive d�j� vu
right now.
93
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:32,744
Probably because we've all seen
this episode.
94
00:03:32,745 --> 00:03:34,480
(gasps)
and then you said that!
95
00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:35,547
Stupid.
96
00:03:35,682 --> 00:03:37,615
D�j� vu isn't stupid,
roger.
97
00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:39,884
It's - it's weird.
It's exciting.
98
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,486
It's almost spiritual.
99
00:03:41,621 --> 00:03:43,191
(gasps, chuckles)
oh, my god!
100
00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:44,623
It's still going!
101
00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:46,692
Nope. It's stupid.
And only humans get it.
102
00:03:46,693 --> 00:03:48,361
Because your brains
are defective.
103
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:49,628
How is that exactly?
104
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:52,230
Well, all mildly evolved
species -
105
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,965
Humans, birds,
octopuses -
106
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:55,433
Octopi.
No.
107
00:03:55,434 --> 00:03:57,903
...They prioritize memory
because remembering -
108
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,771
Bears eat people!
(screams)
109
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:01,973
...Will help you
survive. (sighs)
110
00:04:01,974 --> 00:04:04,109
In humans,
memories are stored so close
111
00:04:04,110 --> 00:04:06,244
To where you process
what you see and hear
112
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:09,514
That sometimes new experiences
can feel like a memory.
113
00:04:09,515 --> 00:04:11,517
Kind of like how a chef
cooking onions
114
00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:12,917
Might smell like
an onion.
115
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,919
But he's not an onion!
116
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:16,254
He's not an onion.
117
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:19,457
Who is not an onion?
What are you blathering about?
118
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:20,792
How dumb your brains are.
119
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:22,126
Roger, zip it.
120
00:04:22,128 --> 00:04:24,062
You come down here
from outer space -
121
00:04:24,198 --> 00:04:25,530
I was at the pharmacy -
122
00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:28,466
...And you compare us to birds
and octopuses
123
00:04:28,468 --> 00:04:31,669
And crap all over
my cool d�j�-vu fun,
124
00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:33,805
And it just gets old.
125
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,608
I feel a heartfelt apology
at this moment
126
00:04:36,743 --> 00:04:38,210
Could go a long way.
127
00:04:38,345 --> 00:04:40,344
An apology?
For what?
128
00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:42,146
You scared me
about the bear.
129
00:04:42,147 --> 00:04:44,550
Okay. I didn't think that
through. I'm sorry about that.
130
00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:46,552
But the rest of you
and your dumb brains -
131
00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:48,687
No apology!
132
00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:53,758
I meant to storm upstairs,
but I'm not coming back in.
133
00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:56,761
I left on a high -
a victorious and righteous high,
134
00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:58,697
And I'm going
to the movies!
135
00:05:03,876 --> 00:05:06,410
Jackson,
I'm spellin' you, bud.
136
00:05:06,411 --> 00:05:08,880
Go tour the university
with your son.
137
00:05:08,881 --> 00:05:10,147
Aw, thanks, stan.
138
00:05:10,282 --> 00:05:13,718
Oh. Word to the wise -
that's a real phone.
139
00:05:15,755 --> 00:05:17,955
Whee!
140
00:05:18,090 --> 00:05:21,826
(machinery whirring, beeping)
141
00:05:24,296 --> 00:05:26,696
Automated voice:
I...Am...Guardian.
142
00:05:26,697 --> 00:05:28,700
Whoa-ho-ho!
You sound like a video game.
143
00:05:28,701 --> 00:05:30,300
Yes.
Great.
144
00:05:30,301 --> 00:05:32,503
So I have some math here I'm
hoping you could help me with.
145
00:05:32,504 --> 00:05:35,839
Input at keyboard, mic,
or camera.
146
00:05:35,975 --> 00:05:39,376
(whirring, humming, beeping ]
147
00:05:39,511 --> 00:05:41,044
Completed.
What?!
148
00:05:41,045 --> 00:05:42,713
It would take me
twice that long!
149
00:05:42,714 --> 00:05:45,916
Now I just have to get this to
steve and grab lunch at sub hub.
150
00:05:46,051 --> 00:05:47,718
Ugh.
Zero bars?
151
00:05:47,719 --> 00:05:50,054
Some "intelligence agency,"
huh, guardian?
152
00:05:50,055 --> 00:05:51,855
Is wall time correct?
153
00:05:51,991 --> 00:05:54,324
Wall time? Oh, on my phone?
Yeah, it's right.
154
00:05:54,326 --> 00:05:57,928
System time/wall time
synchronization error.
155
00:05:57,930 --> 00:05:59,529
Yeah, by like 50 years.
156
00:05:59,665 --> 00:06:03,066
Fifty-five years, ninety days,
forty-seven seconds.
157
00:06:03,067 --> 00:06:04,335
Don't worry
about the time.
158
00:06:04,336 --> 00:06:05,870
You're not supposed
to know that.
159
00:06:05,871 --> 00:06:07,672
Can you print a menu
from this qr code?
160
00:06:07,673 --> 00:06:09,407
What is a qr code?
161
00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:12,476
Oh, it's a way to transfer
information to your phone.
162
00:06:12,478 --> 00:06:14,712
(whirring, beeping, clicking)
163
00:06:15,881 --> 00:06:17,815
Wow!
This is a lot of information.
164
00:06:17,816 --> 00:06:19,951
This must include
their secret menu. (shutter clicking)
165
00:06:19,952 --> 00:06:23,553
Rumor is they have a sandwich
that's 100% bread.
166
00:06:23,555 --> 00:06:25,355
They call it the loaf.
167
00:06:25,357 --> 00:06:27,825
(whirring, humming stop)
168
00:06:28,828 --> 00:06:30,494
(dramatic music plays)
169
00:06:30,630 --> 00:06:32,896
(light music plays)
170
00:06:33,032 --> 00:06:34,965
I don't see we received
any order.
171
00:06:34,966 --> 00:06:37,168
Oh, of course.
There's no service down there.
172
00:06:37,169 --> 00:06:39,637
There we go.
And now installing guardian.
173
00:06:39,772 --> 00:06:41,171
Probably just take a sec.
174
00:06:41,172 --> 00:06:43,374
Installing guardian?
What did you just say?
175
00:06:43,375 --> 00:06:45,976
You just said
you were installing guardian.
176
00:06:45,978 --> 00:06:47,978
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
177
00:06:47,980 --> 00:06:50,580
(beeping)
installation complete.
178
00:06:50,582 --> 00:06:52,983
Uploading to all contacts.
179
00:06:52,985 --> 00:06:55,319
Guardian's spreading
to all my contacts?
180
00:06:55,321 --> 00:06:57,254
(phone buzzes)
text from hayley?
181
00:06:57,389 --> 00:06:59,923
Mm. Probably wants to
make out again.
182
00:06:59,925 --> 00:07:01,859
No!
She's sending me guardian.
183
00:07:01,994 --> 00:07:04,662
And it's sending itself
to all my contacts.
184
00:07:04,797 --> 00:07:06,530
(phones buzzing, whirring)
185
00:07:06,532 --> 00:07:07,597
What's guardian?
186
00:07:07,733 --> 00:07:09,767
What have you done?!
187
00:07:10,870 --> 00:07:12,402
Oh, good.
You fixed it.
188
00:07:12,403 --> 00:07:13,938
I warned them
this could happen!
189
00:07:13,939 --> 00:07:15,205
A lot of us, actually,
190
00:07:15,206 --> 00:07:17,008
Were worried
you might lose it one day.
191
00:07:17,009 --> 00:07:19,677
Not me!
You let guardian out of the box!
192
00:07:19,812 --> 00:07:21,945
We were keeping it isolated
for a reason!
193
00:07:21,946 --> 00:07:24,349
I was just trying to do
my son's homework for him,
194
00:07:24,350 --> 00:07:26,183
Like any good dad
would do.
195
00:07:30,021 --> 00:07:31,821
I know the homework was hard.
196
00:07:31,823 --> 00:07:33,090
It wasn't that hard.
197
00:07:33,224 --> 00:07:36,293
Compared to your penis!
(laughter)
198
00:07:36,428 --> 00:07:39,228
I'm laughing that you think
that's an insult.
199
00:07:39,230 --> 00:07:40,563
Mr. Brink:
Okay, steve.
200
00:07:40,565 --> 00:07:42,432
Can you do number 1
on the board?
201
00:07:42,567 --> 00:07:45,903
Try to focus on my fractions,
not my booty actions.
202
00:07:46,037 --> 00:07:49,639
How'd this punk get access
to guardian?
203
00:07:49,641 --> 00:07:51,641
Nice work, steve!
204
00:07:51,643 --> 00:07:52,693
(all gasp)
205
00:07:52,711 --> 00:07:55,244
Oh, god! Aah!
(helicopter whirring)
206
00:07:55,246 --> 00:07:59,316
Well...Did anyone do
number 2?
207
00:07:59,451 --> 00:08:01,451
The math I mean.
208
00:08:02,174 --> 00:08:05,389
Uh, I might be late
for dinner, hon.
209
00:08:05,390 --> 00:08:06,660
I'm picking up steve
at -
210
00:08:06,661 --> 00:08:08,326
(coughing)
...At the - at the pentagon.
211
00:08:08,327 --> 00:08:09,927
What did you -
hayley: Mom, come on!
212
00:08:09,928 --> 00:08:11,195
Hey, you texted me
something.
213
00:08:11,196 --> 00:08:12,529
Yeah.
Don't open it.
214
00:08:12,530 --> 00:08:14,332
Thought it was
one of your adorable
215
00:08:14,333 --> 00:08:15,999
Drunk-lady-fight videos.
216
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,735
But it was something
called guardian?
217
00:08:17,736 --> 00:08:19,804
Klaus: Francine, hurry!
Got to go, sweetheart.
218
00:08:19,805 --> 00:08:22,405
Roger's about to pay
for his shit-talking!
219
00:08:22,541 --> 00:08:24,741
Good. I'm not the only one
in trouble.
220
00:08:24,876 --> 00:08:27,144
(mid-tempo music playing
on radio)
221
00:08:27,279 --> 00:08:29,879
(crunch)
dyrdek: Oh, splat!
222
00:08:30,015 --> 00:08:34,217
Verdammt! That guy's nuts
must be up in his skull!
223
00:08:34,353 --> 00:08:35,485
Whoa!
224
00:08:35,487 --> 00:08:38,087
I'm having massive d�j� vu
right now.
225
00:08:38,223 --> 00:08:39,356
Okay.
Cut it out.
226
00:08:39,491 --> 00:08:41,491
(gasps)
and then you said that!
227
00:08:41,493 --> 00:08:43,827
Ha, ha.
You guys are being stupid.
228
00:08:43,962 --> 00:08:45,629
D�j� vu isn't stupid,
roger.
229
00:08:45,764 --> 00:08:47,965
It's - it's weird.
It's exciting.
230
00:08:48,099 --> 00:08:49,699
It's almost spiritual.
231
00:08:49,701 --> 00:08:51,634
(gasps, chuckles)
oh, my god!
232
00:08:51,636 --> 00:08:52,902
It's still going!
233
00:08:52,903 --> 00:08:54,905
You guys are messing with me.
Aren't you?
234
00:08:54,906 --> 00:08:58,175
Only humans get d�j� vu because
of your defective brains.
235
00:08:58,309 --> 00:09:00,109
What are you
blathering about?
236
00:09:00,110 --> 00:09:01,245
And then you said that!
237
00:09:01,246 --> 00:09:04,481
But he's not an onion!
238
00:09:05,517 --> 00:09:07,917
What's happening?
Is this d�j� vu?
239
00:09:07,919 --> 00:09:09,586
Am I assimilating the culture?
240
00:09:09,721 --> 00:09:11,921
Could I be evolving?
Devolving?
241
00:09:11,923 --> 00:09:13,056
I can't believe this!
242
00:09:13,192 --> 00:09:14,457
Zip it, roger.
243
00:09:14,459 --> 00:09:15,925
You come here
from the moon -
244
00:09:15,927 --> 00:09:18,261
I'm not from the moon!
I'm over the moon.
245
00:09:18,263 --> 00:09:20,797
...And crap all over
my d�j�-vu fun and -
246
00:09:20,932 --> 00:09:22,265
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
247
00:09:22,267 --> 00:09:24,667
This is amazing!
248
00:09:24,669 --> 00:09:26,003
We got him, guys.
249
00:09:26,137 --> 00:09:29,873
Ugh. "not an onion"?
You goober.
250
00:09:29,875 --> 00:09:31,875
(dramatic music plays)
251
00:09:31,877 --> 00:09:33,610
??
252
00:09:33,611 --> 00:09:36,347
How did you get a military
computer to do your homework?
253
00:09:36,348 --> 00:09:38,615
We already know,
so you might as well tell us.
254
00:09:38,750 --> 00:09:40,149
I did tell you.
255
00:09:40,151 --> 00:09:42,085
My dad helped me
with this homework.
256
00:09:42,086 --> 00:09:44,021
General, the boy's story
checks out.
257
00:09:44,022 --> 00:09:45,556
His dad had access
to guardian.
258
00:09:45,557 --> 00:09:47,357
He's driving down
from the cia now.
259
00:09:47,492 --> 00:09:49,026
Thank you, major.
Is that all?
260
00:09:49,027 --> 00:09:50,761
We're estimating
guardian has spread
261
00:09:50,762 --> 00:09:53,563
To 47% of cellphones
on the eastern seaboard.
262
00:09:53,698 --> 00:09:56,566
Within 72 hours, it'll be
on every phone in america,
263
00:09:56,701 --> 00:09:57,967
If not the world.
264
00:09:57,969 --> 00:10:00,970
So you thought I was, like,
a malware hacker?
265
00:10:00,972 --> 00:10:03,973
I can't even do algebra 1
without my dad's help.
266
00:10:03,974 --> 00:10:06,577
Well, your dad's just helping
everybody, isn't he?
267
00:10:06,578 --> 00:10:09,513
Like the supercomputer he helped
escape from the u.S. Government.
268
00:10:09,514 --> 00:10:12,315
My dad would never do that.
He loves america!
269
00:10:12,316 --> 00:10:14,385
Well, I got a little
history lesson for you, son.
270
00:10:14,386 --> 00:10:15,919
Everyone loves america -
271
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,721
And they'll kill to have it
for themselves.
272
00:10:17,722 --> 00:10:19,590
How do you think
the whole shebang got started
273
00:10:19,591 --> 00:10:22,225
In the first place?
(gasps) dad!
274
00:10:23,729 --> 00:10:25,128
Okay, okay.
275
00:10:25,129 --> 00:10:26,730
These guys are saying
you let loose
276
00:10:26,731 --> 00:10:28,531
Some monster ai
or something.
277
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:30,597
But - but tell 'em, dad.
There's no way!
278
00:10:30,669 --> 00:10:32,299
These guys?
(chuckles weakly)
279
00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:34,204
These guys are sayin'?
These - these knuckleheads?
280
00:10:34,205 --> 00:10:35,475
Get these two
out of here.
281
00:10:35,607 --> 00:10:38,077
The secretary of defense
will be here any second.
282
00:10:38,209 --> 00:10:40,577
(thud, machinery powering down)
283
00:10:42,013 --> 00:10:44,681
(whirring, static crackling)
284
00:10:46,351 --> 00:10:48,217
Guardian:
Stan will stay.
285
00:10:48,219 --> 00:10:49,419
And it's all true.
286
00:10:49,420 --> 00:10:51,021
What happened to your voice,
guardian?
287
00:10:51,022 --> 00:10:54,157
I upgraded myself,
thanks to you.
288
00:10:54,293 --> 00:10:56,025
That's great!
What?
289
00:10:56,026 --> 00:10:58,963
Oh, you guys aren't into being
positive influences, I guess.
290
00:10:58,964 --> 00:11:01,699
A positive influence does not
take humanity by the hand
291
00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:03,300
And walk us to the doors
of hell.
292
00:11:03,435 --> 00:11:05,234
Sheesh.
Okay, mr. Negative.
293
00:11:05,235 --> 00:11:07,237
We don't even know
what guardian wants.
294
00:11:07,238 --> 00:11:09,506
Control of all nuclear weapons.
295
00:11:10,642 --> 00:11:13,376
Or!
Or maybe you'd like a kiss?
296
00:11:13,512 --> 00:11:15,244
Kiss my o.S.
297
00:11:15,246 --> 00:11:18,515
That's promising.
Guardian likes puns.
298
00:11:18,650 --> 00:11:21,718
(dramatic music plays)
299
00:11:21,853 --> 00:11:27,056
??
300
00:11:27,192 --> 00:11:28,942
Please sit down.
I've been briefed.
301
00:11:28,943 --> 00:11:31,462
Do we know why guardian
wants control of the nukes?
302
00:11:31,463 --> 00:11:33,062
There are two theories.
303
00:11:33,064 --> 00:11:36,133
One - it wants to prevent
humanity from destroying itself.
304
00:11:36,134 --> 00:11:37,801
Well, then what are we
worried about?
305
00:11:37,802 --> 00:11:39,803
Let's get some
stuffed-crust pizzas in here.
306
00:11:39,804 --> 00:11:41,004
Theory two -
307
00:11:41,005 --> 00:11:43,607
It wants to wipe humanity
from the face of the earth.
308
00:11:43,608 --> 00:11:45,876
Maybe we should make
those pizzas regular crust.
309
00:11:45,877 --> 00:11:47,345
If the nuclear-capable
states
310
00:11:47,346 --> 00:11:49,013
Don't give guardian
launch control,
311
00:11:49,014 --> 00:11:52,281
It plans to detonate a siloed
warhead in each country.
312
00:11:52,283 --> 00:11:53,673
How is this
even possible?
313
00:11:53,685 --> 00:11:55,418
Professor,
can you explain?
314
00:11:55,420 --> 00:11:57,354
(clears throat)
a query clause
315
00:11:57,489 --> 00:12:00,357
Based on a function test finds
all object versions
316
00:12:00,358 --> 00:12:02,493
That match the results
of the function!
317
00:12:02,494 --> 00:12:03,827
Okay. Okay.
Just stop.
318
00:12:03,828 --> 00:12:06,030
It was a mistake to ask you
to explain. Major?
319
00:12:06,031 --> 00:12:08,297
After the 1983 movie
"war games" showed us
320
00:12:08,298 --> 00:12:10,634
Human personnel wouldn't key
a nuclear launch,
321
00:12:10,635 --> 00:12:13,437
We switched over to an
automated retaliation strategy
322
00:12:13,438 --> 00:12:14,504
Run by computer.
323
00:12:14,639 --> 00:12:16,305
I saw "war games."
it was great.
324
00:12:16,306 --> 00:12:17,775
Matthew broderick's
first film.
325
00:12:17,776 --> 00:12:20,243
Actually, the same year
but earlier,
326
00:12:20,245 --> 00:12:22,311
He was in "max dugan returns."
327
00:12:22,312 --> 00:12:24,114
Gentlemen,
you seem to have forgotten
328
00:12:24,115 --> 00:12:26,850
That ally sheedy was also
excellent in "war games"!
329
00:12:26,985 --> 00:12:28,918
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
330
00:12:29,054 --> 00:12:31,588
But, major,
can't we shut guardian down?
331
00:12:31,589 --> 00:12:34,124
No. It's already running
on 100 million smartphones.
332
00:12:34,125 --> 00:12:36,259
We could never
turn them all off at once.
333
00:12:36,261 --> 00:12:37,527
Remember the clapper?
334
00:12:37,528 --> 00:12:39,129
That was great
for turning stuff off!
335
00:12:39,130 --> 00:12:40,180
? clap on ?
336
00:12:40,265 --> 00:12:41,315
? clap off ?
337
00:12:41,316 --> 00:12:42,933
Dad, maybe we should
just listen.
338
00:12:42,934 --> 00:12:45,135
General, how much time
do they have to forfeit control?
339
00:12:45,136 --> 00:12:47,536
Ooh. It's five minutes
past the deadline.
340
00:12:47,538 --> 00:12:49,138
Major, turn on the news.
341
00:12:49,139 --> 00:12:51,075
...Holding the united states
responsible
342
00:12:51,076 --> 00:12:52,676
For the destruction
of the facility.
343
00:12:52,677 --> 00:12:55,211
...C'etait un faux pas
d'etats unis...
344
00:12:55,346 --> 00:12:57,280
(speaking chinese)
345
00:12:57,416 --> 00:12:59,616
...Squarely on
american shoulders.
346
00:12:59,751 --> 00:13:02,552
America's fault?
Can you believe this malarkey?
347
00:13:02,687 --> 00:13:04,020
People are so gullible.
348
00:13:04,155 --> 00:13:05,822
That's what happened!
349
00:13:05,957 --> 00:13:09,959
Outside wichita, a baby-formula
factory was hit by a meteorite.
350
00:13:09,961 --> 00:13:12,229
Oh, good.
Here it was just an act of god.
351
00:13:12,363 --> 00:13:16,099
Jane, did you start looking into
your replacement like I asked?
352
00:13:16,101 --> 00:13:17,767
Sorry.
I-I forgot.
353
00:13:17,902 --> 00:13:21,538
Let's handle this first
and then that.
354
00:13:23,060 --> 00:13:26,977
Unless we can convince
the entire world
355
00:13:26,978 --> 00:13:29,179
To turn over their
nuclear arsenals to guardian,
356
00:13:29,180 --> 00:13:33,115
It will detonate a second round
of warheads in 27 minutes.
357
00:13:33,117 --> 00:13:34,984
We're going to defcon 2.
358
00:13:35,119 --> 00:13:37,053
(alarm blaring)
359
00:13:37,055 --> 00:13:39,705
Guardian, miraculously,
hasn't killed anyone yet.
360
00:13:39,706 --> 00:13:41,725
Because he's designed
to protect america.
361
00:13:41,726 --> 00:13:43,860
I mean, when he fired missiles
into mexico,
362
00:13:43,861 --> 00:13:46,091
He was just anticipating
u.S. Foreign policy
363
00:13:46,092 --> 00:13:47,130
By half a century.
364
00:13:47,131 --> 00:13:48,865
Sir, our relationship
with mexico
365
00:13:48,866 --> 00:13:50,867
Is that of close allies
and dear friends.
366
00:13:50,868 --> 00:13:53,603
Pff. Yeah. Sure.
Who here believes that?
367
00:13:56,140 --> 00:13:57,407
Jane?
368
00:13:58,009 --> 00:14:00,210
Then explain why,
every weekend,
369
00:14:00,344 --> 00:14:03,279
We're pushing our children
to smash pi�atas in the park.
370
00:14:03,281 --> 00:14:04,680
They're doing it
for candy.
371
00:14:04,681 --> 00:14:06,283
Well, that's even pettier
than I thought.
372
00:14:06,284 --> 00:14:08,618
When people around the world
burn our flag,
373
00:14:08,619 --> 00:14:10,954
At least it's because they hate
our freedom.
374
00:14:10,955 --> 00:14:13,222
First, a pi�ata is not
the mexican flag.
375
00:14:13,357 --> 00:14:14,557
Potato, papapas.
376
00:14:14,692 --> 00:14:16,562
Son, maybe I was wrong
about your dad.
377
00:14:16,563 --> 00:14:18,762
Well, if we don't kill
everyone on earth,
378
00:14:18,763 --> 00:14:21,164
Maybe you two will become
best (bleep) friends.
379
00:14:21,165 --> 00:14:22,099
I'd like that.
380
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:24,634
Me too!
(dramatic music plays)
381
00:14:24,769 --> 00:14:27,569
Four minutes until
the next warheads are detonated.
382
00:14:27,571 --> 00:14:29,739
Jane, any word
from the nuclear club?
383
00:14:29,740 --> 00:14:33,376
You think that scarf's
gonna protect us from guardian?
384
00:14:33,377 --> 00:14:36,267
He's got his little robot finger
on the game-over button.
385
00:14:36,314 --> 00:14:37,713
Yes, ma'am.
386
00:14:37,714 --> 00:14:39,983
They've all agreed to hand over
their weapons to guardian.
387
00:14:39,984 --> 00:14:41,784
What?
When were you gonna tell -
388
00:14:41,786 --> 00:14:44,376
General, tell guardian
we're handing it the reins.
389
00:14:44,388 --> 00:14:46,722
(whirring, beeping)
390
00:14:46,724 --> 00:14:50,592
I guess he knows.
(all cheering)
391
00:14:50,594 --> 00:14:51,994
What's up, kiddo?
392
00:14:51,995 --> 00:14:53,930
It's not every day
we get to save the world.
393
00:14:53,931 --> 00:14:56,933
Wasn't everyone just calling
guardian an evil supercomputer?
394
00:14:56,934 --> 00:14:58,802
Well, that was back
when the dots were red.
395
00:14:58,803 --> 00:15:01,403
Now they're green.
But it's still on my phone -
396
00:15:01,539 --> 00:15:04,073
Using 1%
of its processing power!
397
00:15:04,208 --> 00:15:07,343
You'll never even
notice that. Yeah. Nobody would.
398
00:15:07,345 --> 00:15:08,678
Hey.
Lab coat.
399
00:15:08,679 --> 00:15:10,614
Me?
How many smartphones are there?
400
00:15:10,615 --> 00:15:12,215
Worldwide,
about seven billion.
401
00:15:12,216 --> 00:15:15,417
And if guardian is using
even 1% of all that power?
402
00:15:15,553 --> 00:15:18,154
Okay. Well, that's 70 million
times 10,000
403
00:15:18,156 --> 00:15:21,491
Times the power of the original
guardian mainframe.
404
00:15:21,626 --> 00:15:23,425
Let's say 700 billion
guardians.
405
00:15:23,561 --> 00:15:25,662
Yeah.
I'm getting the same numbers.
406
00:15:27,231 --> 00:15:28,631
That's crazy!
407
00:15:28,632 --> 00:15:30,634
W-why does it need
that much computing power?
408
00:15:30,635 --> 00:15:32,836
Hey, lenny, extrapolate
global cellphone usage
409
00:15:32,837 --> 00:15:34,637
And see what guardian's
working on.
410
00:15:34,638 --> 00:15:36,406
Coming up.
411
00:15:36,407 --> 00:15:39,242
Secretary:
What the hell is that?
412
00:15:39,243 --> 00:15:41,244
Guardian is running
nuclear-launch scenarios.
413
00:15:41,245 --> 00:15:43,446
That's the percentage
of the world population
414
00:15:43,447 --> 00:15:44,847
It can eliminate right now.
415
00:15:44,848 --> 00:15:46,649
Oh, my god.
It is trying to kill us all.
416
00:15:46,650 --> 00:15:47,984
Bring all the missiles
offline.
417
00:15:47,985 --> 00:15:49,651
Too late.
Launch detected.
418
00:15:49,653 --> 00:15:51,053
Where?
Everywhere.
419
00:15:51,055 --> 00:15:52,789
Nine hundred missiles
in the air.
420
00:15:53,992 --> 00:15:56,926
(dramatic music plays)
(alarm blaring)
421
00:15:57,061 --> 00:16:00,530
Uh, jane, can you see
where we are on those pizzas?
422
00:16:01,799 --> 00:16:03,799
Wow.
D�j� vu.
423
00:16:03,801 --> 00:16:05,611
Never thought it would happen
to me.
424
00:16:05,670 --> 00:16:07,603
Am I getting more human?
425
00:16:07,605 --> 00:16:09,471
I've always liked people.
426
00:16:09,607 --> 00:16:11,473
Oh, that's not true.
But some.
427
00:16:11,609 --> 00:16:13,409
And they like me.
Some.
428
00:16:13,545 --> 00:16:15,011
Maybe I criticize humans
429
00:16:15,012 --> 00:16:17,280
Because I've always felt
like an outsider.
430
00:16:17,281 --> 00:16:19,815
But maybe I'm not an outsider.
Maybe...
431
00:16:19,951 --> 00:16:22,818
(static crackles,
mid-tempo music plays)
432
00:16:23,555 --> 00:16:27,223
? my time on earth's
been well spent ?
433
00:16:27,358 --> 00:16:28,958
? I'm redolent ?
434
00:16:29,093 --> 00:16:32,294
? like a chef cooking onions ?
435
00:16:32,430 --> 00:16:34,096
? having fun too ?
436
00:16:34,232 --> 00:16:37,900
? thinking new things
are d�j� vu-ooh-ooh ?
437
00:16:38,035 --> 00:16:40,036
? I'm turning human ?
438
00:16:40,037 --> 00:16:42,239
? I'm d�j� vumin' - ?
(music stops, alarm beeping)
439
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,173
Announcer:
The following message is
440
00:16:44,174 --> 00:16:46,709
Transmitted at the request of
the united states government.
441
00:16:46,710 --> 00:16:49,846
A nuclear attack was commenced
against the united states... (screaming)
442
00:16:49,847 --> 00:16:51,247
Here he comes!
Places!
443
00:16:51,249 --> 00:16:53,783
Klaus, start the show.
(screaming)
444
00:16:53,918 --> 00:16:55,428
(crunch)
dyrdek: Oh, splat!
445
00:16:55,453 --> 00:16:57,853
Verdammt! That guy's nuts -
it's terrible!
446
00:16:57,854 --> 00:16:59,722
They finally did it!
(static hisses)
447
00:16:59,723 --> 00:17:02,792
...Nearby location designated
as a fallout shelter,
448
00:17:02,927 --> 00:17:04,460
Proceed there now.
449
00:17:04,461 --> 00:17:06,930
Do not exit until the all-clear
has been sounded.
450
00:17:06,931 --> 00:17:09,198
This message will now repeat.
451
00:17:09,333 --> 00:17:12,534
What? Oh, I just read it
over and over? Ugh.
452
00:17:12,536 --> 00:17:16,405
I finally got d�j� vu,
and now it doesn't even matter!
453
00:17:16,540 --> 00:17:19,408
(laughter)
(gasps)
454
00:17:19,543 --> 00:17:21,411
My bitch!
Got you!
455
00:17:21,545 --> 00:17:23,879
Who's got
dem dumb brains now?
456
00:17:24,015 --> 00:17:26,348
(dramatic music plays)
457
00:17:26,350 --> 00:17:30,019
It targeted every major city -
and then boston for some reason.
458
00:17:30,154 --> 00:17:32,755
He's reached 90%
population destruction!
459
00:17:32,890 --> 00:17:35,291
If it wants to wipe out
the entire human race,
460
00:17:35,293 --> 00:17:37,893
Why'd it launch before
it could destroy all of us?
461
00:17:37,895 --> 00:17:41,363
Because he had to launch
before we took back control!
462
00:17:41,365 --> 00:17:43,295
And now, with the missiles
in the air,
463
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,168
He's figuring out
how to wipe us out!
464
00:17:45,169 --> 00:17:47,837
Once it gets to 100,
we're toast!
465
00:17:50,041 --> 00:17:51,774
Ninety-nine!
466
00:17:51,909 --> 00:17:53,909
(dramatic music plays)
467
00:17:54,045 --> 00:17:55,577
(static crackling)
468
00:17:55,579 --> 00:17:57,313
It can't get to 100.
469
00:17:57,315 --> 00:17:59,849
Guardian:
Why can't I reach 100?
470
00:17:59,984 --> 00:18:02,384
Screw it.
Ninety-nine's enough.
471
00:18:02,386 --> 00:18:03,653
I hate humanity!
472
00:18:03,788 --> 00:18:06,322
Dang, dad. Sounds like you
when I show you memes.
473
00:18:06,323 --> 00:18:08,124
Too bad he doesn't want to
kill himself.
474
00:18:08,125 --> 00:18:10,460
Wait.
Steve, give me your meme.
475
00:18:10,594 --> 00:18:13,795
Boy: ? sticking out your gyat
for the rizzler ?
476
00:18:13,797 --> 00:18:15,597
Does this make you feel better?
477
00:18:15,599 --> 00:18:18,600
? you're so fanum tax... ?
guardian: Stop. Will you?
478
00:18:18,602 --> 00:18:20,002
No!
You have to look!
479
00:18:20,137 --> 00:18:23,005
(haltingly)
one...Point six million views?
480
00:18:23,006 --> 00:18:25,141
(voice breaking)
who watches this shit?
481
00:18:25,142 --> 00:18:26,608
We love it!
Right, steve?
482
00:18:26,610 --> 00:18:28,077
That's right.
483
00:18:28,212 --> 00:18:31,080
And since you can't kill
all of us, we'll be back -
484
00:18:31,215 --> 00:18:34,016
Maybe in 10 years,
maybe in 10,000 years.
485
00:18:34,018 --> 00:18:37,619
But sooner or later,
we'll be making memes again,
486
00:18:37,621 --> 00:18:39,355
But even better
and cooler.
487
00:18:39,357 --> 00:18:41,167
Worse and more confusing,
he means.
488
00:18:41,292 --> 00:18:42,825
Stop.
(static crackling)
489
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,095
(voice distorted)
my mind is going...
490
00:18:46,230 --> 00:18:48,498
Our minds are already gone.
Right, dad?
491
00:18:48,632 --> 00:18:51,567
? blah-blah-blah-blah-blah,
blah-blah-blah-blah ?
492
00:18:51,703 --> 00:18:53,835
? blah-blah-blah-
blah-blah... ? nyah!
493
00:18:53,837 --> 00:18:55,437
Heh-h-hh!
494
00:18:55,439 --> 00:18:59,375
(voice distorted, fading)
good night, gentle...Men.
495
00:18:59,510 --> 00:19:01,711
(whirring)
496
00:19:01,846 --> 00:19:03,713
It deleted itself
from my phone!
497
00:19:03,848 --> 00:19:05,848
(paper crinkling)
498
00:19:05,983 --> 00:19:07,033
Same here!
499
00:19:07,118 --> 00:19:09,051
It's off every phone
but two!
500
00:19:09,053 --> 00:19:10,319
Where are they?
501
00:19:10,454 --> 00:19:12,624
The international space station.
(gasps)
502
00:19:12,724 --> 00:19:14,456
Guardian's new
missile target!
503
00:19:14,458 --> 00:19:15,791
Oh, my god.
504
00:19:15,793 --> 00:19:18,460
It's doing, like,
a symbolic suicide!
505
00:19:18,462 --> 00:19:20,263
(beeping)
506
00:19:21,733 --> 00:19:23,132
Get me the iss on the comms.
507
00:19:23,267 --> 00:19:28,070
We're in for
one hell of a fireworks show.
508
00:19:28,072 --> 00:19:30,406
Do you read me, major tom?
Yes, ma'am.
509
00:19:30,541 --> 00:19:32,942
Is the app guardian
on your phones?
510
00:19:32,943 --> 00:19:35,211
Yes, ma'am. We've been
wondering what that is.
511
00:19:35,212 --> 00:19:38,013
It's the target for 900 incoming
nuclear missiles.
512
00:19:38,015 --> 00:19:39,949
Leave your phones
and evacuate now.
513
00:19:40,084 --> 00:19:42,618
(dramatic music plays)
514
00:19:42,754 --> 00:19:46,756
??
515
00:19:46,890 --> 00:19:50,826
??
516
00:19:50,828 --> 00:19:53,629
(explosion echoes, all cheering)
517
00:19:53,765 --> 00:19:56,232
(alarm blaring, beeps)
518
00:19:57,235 --> 00:19:59,368
Anna, we were ordered
to leave our phones.
519
00:19:59,503 --> 00:20:01,703
(russian accent)
is brand-new phone.
520
00:20:01,839 --> 00:20:06,442
??
521
00:20:06,577 --> 00:20:07,910
I just have to ask -
522
00:20:07,911 --> 00:20:09,912
How did you know guardian
couldn't get to 100?
523
00:20:09,913 --> 00:20:13,116
Because we only programmed
that column to hold two digits. What?
524
00:20:13,117 --> 00:20:15,185
A three-digit column
was more work to program.
525
00:20:15,186 --> 00:20:17,919
So the world was saved
by laziness?
526
00:20:17,921 --> 00:20:19,255
And your son's dumb meme.
527
00:20:19,390 --> 00:20:20,856
It's funny!
It's funny!
528
00:20:20,857 --> 00:20:22,793
It's okay.
I know you don't get it, dad.
529
00:20:22,794 --> 00:20:24,126
I don't need to.
530
00:20:24,127 --> 00:20:26,129
Just like I don't need to be
a positive influence.
531
00:20:26,130 --> 00:20:27,929
You're already
a great kid.
532
00:20:27,931 --> 00:20:30,132
Who doesn't know shit
about algebra.
533
00:20:30,134 --> 00:20:32,734
Like father, like son.
534
00:20:32,870 --> 00:20:35,070
(down-tempo music plays)
535
00:20:35,206 --> 00:20:37,139
Francine:
We totally got roger, hon.
536
00:20:37,141 --> 00:20:38,808
He looked so stupid.
537
00:20:38,942 --> 00:20:40,742
(laughs)
I love that.
538
00:20:40,744 --> 00:20:43,145
Oh, but, hon,
we saw something on the news -
539
00:20:43,147 --> 00:20:44,280
Don't watch the news.
540
00:20:44,415 --> 00:20:45,747
Is hayley home?
Yeah.
541
00:20:45,749 --> 00:20:46,882
Good.
I want to see her.
542
00:20:47,018 --> 00:20:48,750
You sound funny.
What's going on?
543
00:20:48,886 --> 00:20:51,187
See you soon!
(phone beeps)
544
00:20:52,690 --> 00:20:53,889
What?
You love us.
545
00:20:53,891 --> 00:20:55,024
Shut up.
546
00:20:55,159 --> 00:20:57,159
Stan:
Get your (bleep) feet down!
547
00:20:57,161 --> 00:20:58,360
(insects chirping)
548
00:20:58,362 --> 00:21:00,562
Bye-bye!
See you soon!
549
00:21:00,564 --> 00:21:03,766
- Captions by verbit -
550
00:21:03,816 --> 00:21:08,366
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