Original subtitles

(laughing)

Guess whose son just got into college!

That's great. Congratulations!

You have a so- I mean nice!

And get this - his application essay

Was about me being his "positive influence."

Tickle me surprised!

Nowadays there's such a disconnect.

How can you tell if you're being a good parent?

My son's been beating me less. Guess I'm doing something right.

I want to tour the campus Sunday,

But I'm stuck here waiting for I.T. To show up

And reset the clock on guardian.

(all groan)

That computer's useless!

It's not connected to the internet,

So you can't even watch porn!

I had to tape a centerfold to the monitor

And make whale noises! Whatever works.

I'd love to help you,

But I'm going whale watching this weekend.

I'd cover for you,

But it's my parents' 50th anniversary.

Ugh. I can't either.

I'll think of something to do...Probably.

All this talk of whales. I better go crank it.

I mean check on guardian - if you know what I mean.

??

? good morning, u.S.A. ?

? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ?

? and he's shinin' a salute to the american race ?

? oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

? good - ? ? good morning, u.S.A. ?

Aah!

??

? good morning, u.S.A. ?

Hey, kiddo.

You uh, you thinking about applying to colleges at all?

I'm in ninth grade.

It's never too early

To think about who's been a positive influence.

Sure, dad. (chuckles)

Was there something else?

Well, whatcha doin'? Watchin' memes.

Boy: ? sticking out your gyat for the rizzler ?

Jackson: (voice echoing) there's such a disconnect.

Stop! What the hell is that?

It's funny! No, it's not!

Mr. Bean is funny.

That video makes me hate humanity!

It makes me want to die until I'm dead

And then kill myself -

And not in a funny way, like mr. Bean would.

Don't you have any homework?

I have math homework due Monday that I don't understand.

Well, that's great!

Maybe I could be your positive influence that way.

??

(chuckles) yep. Uh, pretty standard math.

Let me take a crack at this.

??

(telephone ringing)

That's real? Hello?

Dude, why aren't you answering your cell? Stan?

You know we can't have our phones inside guardian's ai box.

(sighs) listen.

I got this, like, impossible math problem.

Could you feed it into guardian for me?

Are you crazy? I'm not turning guardian on.

It might decide to fire more missiles into mexico!

That was 50 years ago.

Don't you think it's learned its lesson?

That's the thing. Nobody wants it learning more.

It was learning too fast,

So they stuck it in here and keep resetting its system clock

So it doesn't know it's a prisoner.

Yeah, yeah. We don't want to upset the computer inmate. Okay.

I've got what looks like one fraction

Divided by another fraction?

Can that even be? Uh, sure, that can be.

That's pretty easy, actually, since division by a fraction

Is equivalent to multiplication by its reciprocal.

Go on. That's the end.

Jackson!

I need you to really dumb it down for me!

Stan, you're already at as dumb as it gets.

(mid-tempo music playing on radio)

(crunch) dyrdek: Oh, splat!

Verdammt! That guy's nuts must be up in his skull!

Whoa!

I'm having massive d�j� vu right now.

Probably because we've all seen this episode.

(gasps) and then you said that!

Stupid.

D�j� vu isn't stupid, roger.

It's - it's weird. It's exciting.

It's almost spiritual.

(gasps, chuckles) oh, my god!

It's still going!

Nope. It's stupid. And only humans get it.

Because your brains are defective.

How is that exactly?

Well, all mildly evolved species -

Humans, birds, octopuses -

Octopi. No.

...They prioritize memory because remembering -

Bears eat people! (screams)

...Will help you survive. (sighs)

In humans, memories are stored so close

To where you process what you see and hear

That sometimes new experiences can feel like a memory.

Kind of like how a chef cooking onions

Might smell like an onion.

But he's not an onion!

He's not an onion.

Who is not an onion? What are you blathering about?

How dumb your brains are.

Roger, zip it.

You come down here from outer space -

I was at the pharmacy -

...And you compare us to birds and octopuses

And crap all over my cool d�j�-vu fun,

And it just gets old.

I feel a heartfelt apology at this moment

Could go a long way.

An apology? For what?

You scared me about the bear.

Okay. I didn't think that through. I'm sorry about that.

But the rest of you and your dumb brains -

No apology!

I meant to storm upstairs, but I'm not coming back in.

I left on a high - a victorious and righteous high,

And I'm going to the movies!

Jackson, I'm spellin' you, bud.

Go tour the university with your son.

Aw, thanks, stan.

Oh. Word to the wise - that's a real phone.

Whee!

(machinery whirring, beeping)

Automated voice: I...Am...Guardian.

Whoa-ho-ho! You sound like a video game.

Yes. Great.

So I have some math here I'm hoping you could help me with.

Input at keyboard, mic, or camera.

(whirring, humming, beeping ]

Completed. What?!

It would take me twice that long!

Now I just have to get this to steve and grab lunch at sub hub.

Ugh. Zero bars?

Some "intelligence agency," huh, guardian?

Is wall time correct?

Wall time? Oh, on my phone? Yeah, it's right.

System time/wall time synchronization error.

Yeah, by like 50 years.

Fifty-five years, ninety days, forty-seven seconds.

Don't worry about the time.

You're not supposed to know that.

Can you print a menu from this qr code?

What is a qr code?

Oh, it's a way to transfer information to your phone.

(whirring, beeping, clicking)

Wow! This is a lot of information.

This must include their secret menu. (shutter clicking)

Rumor is they have a sandwich that's 100% bread.

They call it the loaf.

(whirring, humming stop)

(dramatic music plays)

(light music plays)

I don't see we received any order.

Oh, of course. There's no service down there.

There we go. And now installing guardian.

Probably just take a sec.

Installing guardian? What did you just say?

You just said you were installing guardian.

No! No, no, no, no, no!

(beeping) installation complete.

Uploading to all contacts.

Guardian's spreading to all my contacts?

(phone buzzes) text from hayley?

Mm. Probably wants to make out again.

No! She's sending me guardian.

And it's sending itself to all my contacts.

(phones buzzing, whirring)

What's guardian?

What have you done?!

Oh, good. You fixed it.

I warned them this could happen!

A lot of us, actually,

Were worried you might lose it one day.

Not me! You let guardian out of the box!

We were keeping it isolated for a reason!

I was just trying to do my son's homework for him,

Like any good dad would do.

I know the homework was hard.

It wasn't that hard.

Compared to your penis! (laughter)

I'm laughing that you think that's an insult.

Mr. Brink: Okay, steve.

Can you do number 1 on the board?

Try to focus on my fractions, not my booty actions.

How'd this punk get access to guardian?

Nice work, steve!

(all gasp)

Oh, god! Aah! (helicopter whirring)

Well...Did anyone do number 2?

The math I mean.

Uh, I might be late for dinner, hon.

I'm picking up steve at -

(coughing) ...At the - at the pentagon.

What did you - hayley: Mom, come on!

Hey, you texted me something.

Yeah. Don't open it.

Thought it was one of your adorable

Drunk-lady-fight videos.

But it was something called guardian?

Klaus: Francine, hurry! Got to go, sweetheart.

Roger's about to pay for his shit-talking!

Good. I'm not the only one in trouble.

(mid-tempo music playing on radio)

(crunch) dyrdek: Oh, splat!

Verdammt! That guy's nuts must be up in his skull!

Whoa!

I'm having massive d�j� vu right now.

Okay. Cut it out.

(gasps) and then you said that!

Ha, ha. You guys are being stupid.

D�j� vu isn't stupid, roger.

It's - it's weird. It's exciting.

It's almost spiritual.

(gasps, chuckles) oh, my god!

It's still going!

You guys are messing with me. Aren't you?

Only humans get d�j� vu because of your defective brains.

What are you blathering about?

And then you said that!

But he's not an onion!

What's happening? Is this d�j� vu?

Am I assimilating the culture?

Could I be evolving? Devolving?

I can't believe this!

Zip it, roger.

You come here from the moon -

I'm not from the moon! I'm over the moon.

...And crap all over my d�j�-vu fun and -

I'm sorry. I apologize.

This is amazing!

We got him, guys.

Ugh. "not an onion"? You goober.

(dramatic music plays)

??

How did you get a military computer to do your homework?

We already know, so you might as well tell us.

I did tell you.

My dad helped me with this homework.

General, the boy's story checks out.

His dad had access to guardian.

He's driving down from the cia now.

Thank you, major. Is that all?

We're estimating guardian has spread

To 47% of cellphones on the eastern seaboard.

Within 72 hours, it'll be on every phone in america,

If not the world.

So you thought I was, like, a malware hacker?

I can't even do algebra 1 without my dad's help.

Well, your dad's just helping everybody, isn't he?

Like the supercomputer he helped escape from the u.S. Government.

My dad would never do that. He loves america!

Well, I got a little history lesson for you, son.

Everyone loves america -

And they'll kill to have it for themselves.

How do you think the whole shebang got started

In the first place? (gasps) dad!

Okay, okay.

These guys are saying you let loose

Some monster ai or something.

But - but tell 'em, dad. There's no way!

These guys? (chuckles weakly)

These guys are sayin'? These - these knuckleheads?

Get these two out of here.

The secretary of defense will be here any second.

(thud, machinery powering down)

(whirring, static crackling)

Guardian: Stan will stay.

And it's all true.

What happened to your voice, guardian?

I upgraded myself, thanks to you.

That's great! What?

Oh, you guys aren't into being positive influences, I guess.

A positive influence does not take humanity by the hand

And walk us to the doors of hell.

Sheesh. Okay, mr. Negative.

We don't even know what guardian wants.

Control of all nuclear weapons.

Or! Or maybe you'd like a kiss?

Kiss my o.S.

That's promising. Guardian likes puns.

(dramatic music plays)

??

Please sit down. I've been briefed.

Do we know why guardian wants control of the nukes?

There are two theories.

One - it wants to prevent humanity from destroying itself.

Well, then what are we worried about?

Let's get some stuffed-crust pizzas in here.

Theory two -

It wants to wipe humanity from the face of the earth.

Maybe we should make those pizzas regular crust.

If the nuclear-capable states

Don't give guardian launch control,

It plans to detonate a siloed warhead in each country.

How is this even possible?

Professor, can you explain?

(clears throat) a query clause

Based on a function test finds all object versions

That match the results of the function!

Okay. Okay. Just stop.

It was a mistake to ask you to explain. Major?

After the 1983 movie "war games" showed us

Human personnel wouldn't key a nuclear launch,

We switched over to an automated retaliation strategy

Run by computer.

I saw "war games." it was great.

Matthew broderick's first film.

Actually, the same year but earlier,

He was in "max dugan returns."

Gentlemen, you seem to have forgotten

That ally sheedy was also excellent in "war games"!

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But, major, can't we shut guardian down?

No. It's already running on 100 million smartphones.

We could never turn them all off at once.

Remember the clapper?

That was great for turning stuff off!

? clap on ?

? clap off ?

Dad, maybe we should just listen.

General, how much time do they have to forfeit control?

Ooh. It's five minutes past the deadline.

Major, turn on the news.

...Holding the united states responsible

For the destruction of the facility.

...C'etait un faux pas d'etats unis...

(speaking chinese)

...Squarely on american shoulders.

America's fault? Can you believe this malarkey?

People are so gullible.

That's what happened!

Outside wichita, a baby-formula factory was hit by a meteorite.

Oh, good. Here it was just an act of god.

Jane, did you start looking into your replacement like I asked?

Sorry. I-I forgot.

Let's handle this first and then that.

Unless we can convince the entire world

To turn over their nuclear arsenals to guardian,

It will detonate a second round of warheads in 27 minutes.

We're going to defcon 2.

(alarm blaring)

Guardian, miraculously, hasn't killed anyone yet.

Because he's designed to protect america.

I mean, when he fired missiles into mexico,

He was just anticipating u.S. Foreign policy

By half a century.

Sir, our relationship with mexico

Is that of close allies and dear friends.

Pff. Yeah. Sure. Who here believes that?

Jane?

Then explain why, every weekend,

We're pushing our children to smash pi�atas in the park.

They're doing it for candy.

Well, that's even pettier than I thought.

When people around the world burn our flag,

At least it's because they hate our freedom.

First, a pi�ata is not the mexican flag.

Potato, papapas.

Son, maybe I was wrong about your dad.

Well, if we don't kill everyone on earth,

Maybe you two will become best (bleep) friends.

I'd like that.

Me too! (dramatic music plays)

Four minutes until the next warheads are detonated.

Jane, any word from the nuclear club?

You think that scarf's gonna protect us from guardian?

He's got his little robot finger on the game-over button.

Yes, ma'am.

They've all agreed to hand over their weapons to guardian.

What? When were you gonna tell -

General, tell guardian we're handing it the reins.

(whirring, beeping)

I guess he knows. (all cheering)

What's up, kiddo?

It's not every day we get to save the world.

Wasn't everyone just calling guardian an evil supercomputer?

Well, that was back when the dots were red.

Now they're green. But it's still on my phone -

Using 1% of its processing power!

You'll never even notice that. Yeah. Nobody would.

Hey. Lab coat.

Me? How many smartphones are there?

Worldwide, about seven billion.

And if guardian is using even 1% of all that power?

Okay. Well, that's 70 million times 10,000

Times the power of the original guardian mainframe.

Let's say 700 billion guardians.

Yeah. I'm getting the same numbers.

That's crazy!

W-why does it need that much computing power?

Hey, lenny, extrapolate global cellphone usage

And see what guardian's working on.

Coming up.

Secretary: What the hell is that?

Guardian is running nuclear-launch scenarios.

That's the percentage of the world population

It can eliminate right now.

Oh, my god. It is trying to kill us all.

Bring all the missiles offline.

Too late. Launch detected.

Where? Everywhere.

Nine hundred missiles in the air.

(dramatic music plays) (alarm blaring)

Uh, jane, can you see where we are on those pizzas?

Wow. D�j� vu.

Never thought it would happen to me.

Am I getting more human?

I've always liked people.

Oh, that's not true. But some.

And they like me. Some.

Maybe I criticize humans

Because I've always felt like an outsider.

But maybe I'm not an outsider. Maybe...

(static crackles, mid-tempo music plays)

? my time on earth's been well spent ?

? I'm redolent ?

? like a chef cooking onions ?

? having fun too ?

? thinking new things are d�j� vu-ooh-ooh ?

? I'm turning human ?

? I'm d�j� vumin' - ? (music stops, alarm beeping)

Announcer: The following message is

Transmitted at the request of the united states government.

A nuclear attack was commenced against the united states... (screaming)

Here he comes! Places!

Klaus, start the show. (screaming)

(crunch) dyrdek: Oh, splat!

Verdammt! That guy's nuts - it's terrible!

They finally did it! (static hisses)

...Nearby location designated as a fallout shelter,

Proceed there now.

Do not exit until the all-clear has been sounded.

This message will now repeat.

What? Oh, I just read it over and over? Ugh.

I finally got d�j� vu, and now it doesn't even matter!

(laughter) (gasps)

My bitch! Got you!

Who's got dem dumb brains now?

(dramatic music plays)

It targeted every major city - and then boston for some reason.

He's reached 90% population destruction!

If it wants to wipe out the entire human race,

Why'd it launch before it could destroy all of us?

Because he had to launch before we took back control!

And now, with the missiles in the air,

He's figuring out how to wipe us out!

Once it gets to 100, we're toast!

Ninety-nine!

(dramatic music plays)

(static crackling)

It can't get to 100.

Guardian: Why can't I reach 100?

Screw it. Ninety-nine's enough.

I hate humanity!

Dang, dad. Sounds like you when I show you memes.

Too bad he doesn't want to kill himself.

Wait. Steve, give me your meme.

Boy: ? sticking out your gyat for the rizzler ?

Does this make you feel better?

? you're so fanum tax... ? guardian: Stop. Will you?

No! You have to look!

(haltingly) one...Point six million views?

(voice breaking) who watches this shit?

We love it! Right, steve?

That's right.

And since you can't kill all of us, we'll be back -

Maybe in 10 years, maybe in 10,000 years.

But sooner or later, we'll be making memes again,

But even better and cooler.

Worse and more confusing, he means.

Stop. (static crackling)

(voice distorted) my mind is going...

Our minds are already gone. Right, dad?

? blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah ?

? blah-blah-blah- blah-blah... ? nyah!

Heh-h-hh!

(voice distorted, fading) good night, gentle...Men.

(whirring)

It deleted itself from my phone!

(paper crinkling)

Same here!

It's off every phone but two!

Where are they?

The international space station. (gasps)

Guardian's new missile target!

Oh, my god.

It's doing, like, a symbolic suicide!

(beeping)

Get me the iss on the comms.

We're in for one hell of a fireworks show.

Do you read me, major tom? Yes, ma'am.

Is the app guardian on your phones?

Yes, ma'am. We've been wondering what that is.

It's the target for 900 incoming nuclear missiles.

Leave your phones and evacuate now.

(dramatic music plays)

??

??

(explosion echoes, all cheering)

(alarm blaring, beeps)

Anna, we were ordered to leave our phones.

(russian accent) is brand-new phone.

??

I just have to ask -

How did you know guardian couldn't get to 100?

Because we only programmed that column to hold two digits. What?

A three-digit column was more work to program.

So the world was saved by laziness?

And your son's dumb meme.

It's funny! It's funny!

It's okay. I know you don't get it, dad.

I don't need to.

Just like I don't need to be a positive influence.

You're already a great kid.

Who doesn't know shit about algebra.

Like father, like son.

(down-tempo music plays)

Francine: We totally got roger, hon.

He looked so stupid.

(laughs) I love that.

Oh, but, hon, we saw something on the news -

Don't watch the news.

Is hayley home? Yeah.

Good. I want to see her.

You sound funny. What's going on?

See you soon! (phone beeps)

What? You love us.

Shut up.

Stan: Get your (bleep) feet down!

(insects chirping)

Bye-bye! See you soon!

- Captions by verbit -

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0