Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(wind howling)

(knife chopping)

- [Sugar] I love how French it sounds, en papillote.

- I just made a pot of meat. - It's just a piece of paper.

- [Sugar] I wanted to try something new.

- [Kitty] Marybelle, what did you make?

- [Marybelle] Just a dessert.

Probably won't be as good as yours.

- [Flo] Sug, we need to get a move on.

- [Sugar] Well, let me cut it open first.

Watch the steam, girls.

This thing is gonna be hot.

(upbeat music)

♪ If your love refuses to kiss you sometime ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ Come try one of mine ♪

♪ For it's your love I've waited for ♪

♪ Now and forever more ♪

♪ Come try ♪

♪ Just try me one time ♪

♪ Mm ♪

♪ If your love ♪

♪ Should leave you ♪

♪ And you're all alone ♪

♪ Don't worry, don't worry ♪

♪ Just be off the phone ♪

♪ I promise that I'll be there ♪

♪ Whenever you wish and hope ♪

♪ Just try, please try me one time ♪

♪ If your biggest problem is finding someone to love ♪

♪ Don't worry, oh, my darling ♪

♪ It's you I'm thinking of ♪

♪ If your love refuses to hold you sometime ♪

♪ Don't beg her ♪

♪ Don't you beg her ♪

♪ Just try, try one of mine ♪

♪ I will hold you so close to me ♪

♪ I'll love you so tenderly ♪

♪ Just try, please try me one time ♪

♪ Me one time ♪

♪ Me one time ♪

♪ Oh, try me one time ♪

- Jesus, it's Armageddon out here.

Let's mix up some daiquiris.

- Ooh.

(blender whirring)

- Now, be nice.

But I wanted to try something new.

I used that meat spread with the little devil on the front.

- Do you even know it's in that stuff?

- Instead of flour or milk,

I just plopped in two cans of cream of mushroom.

You're so right, Sugar.

- Condensed soup?

That's what we've got here, solid soup.

(both laughing)

- Why not have a potluck on Sunday night?

With none of our husbands going to work on Monday

because of the holidays, it might be a nice change,

but to make it more exciting, we could have a contest.

We could each bring a dish

and we could let our husbands be the judges.

- I don't know.

- I can't win against you guys.

- Finally, some action around here,

I've got a trick or two up my sleeve.

- You've gotta trick or two up your skirt.

- Ladies, the war is on.

(energetic music)

- Marybelle.

- Yay.

- [Group] Yay!

(energetic funky music)

♪ Ooh, you gotta make more ♪

♪ Sing it girl with a little of soul now ♪

♪ Ooh, you gotta make some ♪

♪ If it's love that you need, won't you call me baby ♪

♪ I think I'm just too needy ♪

♪ So please call me, baby ♪

♪ If you call, you got some chat ♪

♪ You can't get through ♪

♪ Well, leave your name and your number and I'll call you ♪

♪ I'll call you ♪

(knocking on door)

- Oh, hello neighbors!

Come on in.

- Pleasure.

- Kitty.

- Your old lady's in the room fixing up.

Well, hello! - Jerome.

- Hi, great to see you.

You'd make a beautiful man, Jerome.

And Les!

Hey, do you golf?

You should come play some holes

with Sterling and me sometime.

- Well- - Great!

We'll play tomorrow.

I'll pick you up at nine. (knocking on door)

Maximilian and Marybelle.

- Conrad.

- Hey, why don't you all mix up some martinis

and I'll go get the old ball in chain?

Be back in two shakes.

- Max. - Sterling.

- You're looking fit.

You been working out?

- Oh, you know,

just running and messing a little with the weights.

- Bert. - Maximilian.

- Wow, Florene, you look fantastic.

- Why, thank you, darling.

Where are the girls?

- Kitchen.

- So, uh, Leslie, you still working at the university?

- [Jerome] Yes, he's still answering the president's phone.

- I like mine a little dirtier.

- Uh, you got it.

- [Conrad] Hey, you've been messing with my stuff.

- Not tonight, Connie.

We've got company.

- My tweezers are upside down.

You've been using them on your eyebrows.

Fucking hair on 'em.

Don't touch my fucking shit.

You know better than that.

- When I was five,

my mother told me I was adopted

and she handed me a bucket and some cleaning supplies,

and she told me to get to work.

I wrote my first poem that day.

- Good evening ladies. - Hi, Sug.

- I'm telling a story. - Oh, excuse me.

- I scribbled it on a piece of toilet paper,

in between scrubbing the pot it went like this.

Dreams are candy

and mothers are dark smears on white porcelain. (laughs)

I wrote a poem every day since.

A poem for every day of my life.

I would write while washing the dishes

or polishing the silver or cleaning the vomit off the carpet

after one of my mother's nightly binges.

Let's just say I grew up in the perfect environment

for a poet to thrive.

- What the hell are you talking about?

You don't even know what a poem is. (laughs)

- [Flo] Well, she's getting her poetry

straight from the bottle.

- I got started early.

- A child prodigy, a poet and a drunk by the age of five.

- Gosh, we're gonna have fun tonight, I can feel it.

- [Radio Announcer] Yesterday,

movie legend Judy Garland was found dead

in the bathroom of her rented Chelsea London house.

- Good Lord.

- [Radio Announcer] The coroner stressed

that there was no evidence

to suggest she had committed suicide.

Even so, a British specialist who had attended Garland

said she had been living on borrowed time

due to cirrhosis of the liver.

Garland had turned 47 just 12 days prior to her death.

Her "Wizard of Oz" costar Ray Bolger commented saying,

and I quote, "She just plain wore out."

- I always loved "The Wizard of Oz."

- 47, that's too bad.

- That's too bad. - Holy shit.

- We saw her at Carnegie Hall.

♪ I love you, I do ♪

♪ Baby, baby, I hurt you ♪

- Is it time to eat yet?

♪ You and another girl ♪

- My friends, here it is.

The first round of what will be many...

- Ca-ca-ca-ca-casserole wars!

(group laughing)

- And the inventor of tonight's winning dish

will receive this groovy T-shirt.

(group clapping)

- My father gave me a T-shirt for my fifth birthday

that read Daddy's little question mark.

- I don't know why we can't just have a dinner party.

I hate this competition stuff.

- You know, deep down inside, you're not gonna win.

- Jerome!

- Okay, honey, she's just jealous.

You're a better cook. - Oh.

- Dehydrated food and powder.

Am I supposed to believe in astronaut can survive on Tang?

- Get with the words, I need food.

- Oh, Florene's hungry.

We gotta get her home.

- Well, is everybody ready?

On your marks, get set and eat!

(energetic funky music)

♪ You were sitting in your yard ♪

♪ Yeah, waiting for you while ♪

♪ While she was out there having a ball ♪

♪ You were sitting in your yard ♪

♪ Yeah, waiting for you while ♪

♪ While she was out there having a ball ♪

♪ Should've been working but she wasn't working ♪

♪ She was out there having a ball ♪

♪ Had you gotten out your yeah, yeah ♪

- Before we dig in,

I would like us all to raise our glasses.

To Sugar.

Thank you for organizing this for evening.

- Sugar! - To Sugar.

- Sugar! (glasses clinking)

- Do you know olio, Bert?

Why do they call it olio?

It's really margarine.

What the hell is olio?

- Remember in "All About Eve,"

when Bette Davis bites into that raw green onion?

I'm currently having that experience.

- I don't know.

You know, I feel better if I line the pan with foil.

Call it a quirk! (laughs)

Is a pimento a pepper? - Oh no.

Pimento's not a pepper. - A pepper's a vegetable.

- Pimento is a pepper. - Yeah.

- You know, I always thought Dr. Pepper was a real person.

(Sugar laughs)

It turned out true.

(group laughing)

A big piece of gristle in this one.

- Oh, that's Sugar's.

- You know, I couldn't personally eat sweetbreads.

It's the brains, right?

- [Both] Thymus.

- What the hell is a thymus? - Right.

- It's a gland in your neck. - I don't have a thymus.

- I mean, in a calf's neck. - Oh no, not a calf.

That's horrible, I could never eat a baby.

- Hands down, the strangest thing about us

is that none of us have had babies.

Some of us should have had children.

(slow funky music)

- Wow.

Okay.

With four votes, the winner tonight is...

(drums table) (snaps fingers)

The salmon en papillote.

- Oh!

It's salmon en papillote.

- Look at that T-shirt. - Wow. (chuckles)

Look. - You wear it well.

- Here, Connie, this one's for you.

- To the salmon.

- I bet what happened is that everyone burned their mouths

on the first bite and their taste buds were useless

because that was definitely not the best dish tonight.

(group chattering)

I'm sorry, it was not the best dish tonight.

- Jerome, you don't have to be so defensive about it.

- Jerome has written a note.

The salmon tastes like a spoonful of cunt.

- Jerome! (group laughing)

- Jerome! - You can't say that word.

You can't say that word out loud.

- You know, honey,

there isn't a word like that for men though, cunt.

- Maximilian Beadham.

- Just saying there isn't a derogatory term

for men as ugly as cunt.

- Stop saying it.

- Well, if you think about it,

pencil dick is pretty damn bad.

- Well, pencil dick doesn't have

the same hard consonant sounds

and the abruptness of the word cunt.

Cunt is a mighty word.

(group laughing) (glasses clink)

- How about you are a fag?

- Oh, she's got it!

That's it, the ugly "ah" sound followed by the hard "guh."

Fag.

Fag.

- It's a loaded word, man.

A loaded word.

F-A-G is the awfulest.

I mean, it's much worse than that word cunt.

- That's bullshit, Sterling.

- No, it is worse.

F-A-G is to question our masculinity.

The very essence of who men are.

Cunt just refers to your-

- Baby funnel?

(group laughing)

- I sometimes think men are the stupidest creatures

to walk the face of the earth, I really do.

- Oh, but I just love saying dirty words.

Fuck yes, I do.

Repeat after me, ladies and gentlemen. (clears throat)

Shit.

- [Group] Shit.

(woman laughs)

- Fuck.

- [Group] Fuck!

(group laughing)

- Cocksucker.

- [Group] Cocksucker!

(group laughing)

- That felt good.

(group laughing)

- Marybelle, try it.

It feels good.

(group chattering) - Come on!

- (whispers) Shit.

(group laughing)

- Nostrovia.

- [Group] Nostrovia!

- Well, should we play a game?

- No, let's just put on some tunes and go.

- How about we play Agnew's favorite

pin The blame on the donkey?

- Has everyone here played railroad tracks?

- Oh, what's that?

Honey, have we played that?

- No.

- Bert, I love it.

- When I was 13,

I got molested on some railroad tracks by an albino.

The moon made his skin glow so brightly.

I had just pretended I was having sex with a light bulb.

(Flo hiccups)

- That's charming, Flo. (group laughing)

- Railroad tracks is a physical game.

It's about balance and control.

The game requires concentration.

The ability to connect your body and your mind.

So Marybelle, you up for it?

- Come on, Marybelle. - Come on.

- Come on. - Attagirl.

- You can do it. - Three cheers for Marybelle!

Hip hip!

- [Group] Hooray!

- Hip hip! - Hooray!

- Hip hip! - Hooray!

- All right! (Jerome laughing)

(hands thudding on couch) (group cheering)

- What are we gonna use for tracks?

- Belts. - Hey, Sugar?

Run to the room and get all the belts.

- (claps) We need more room.

- All right, men.

Let's move this sofa back.

- Let's get this out of the way.

- I guess I'll be helpful. - Here we go, all right.

- Come on, one, two, heave! - Three!

- Oh! - Watch it.

I want to buy this sofa. - Yeah.

(group chattering)

- Marybelle is the focus.

Marybelle is the focus.

- Thank you, baby. - Oh yeah.

(Marybelle laughs)

- Okay, Marybelle, the idea of the game

is that you have to walk on the tracks that we make.

The object is to walk the entire length of the tracks

without falling off.

Your feet have to stay on the belts.

The floor is hot lava.

Watch out, hot, hot!

- That's so easy.

- Yes, it would be,

but you've gotta walk the entire tracks

wearing this blindfold.

- [Group] Ooh!

- Guys.

(group laughing)

Be careful, be careful, my hair.

- First we've gotta spin her. - Oh yeah, yeah, spin her!

- [Group] Spin her!

(Marybelle inhales)

- There you go. - Spin her around.

(group whispering and laughing)

There you go, okay.

- I need my feet on the tracks.

- Feet on the tracks, yeah.

Careful.

- Okay.

- And then you just walk. - Here I come!

- Chug a chug a chug a chug a.

- Careful! - Stay on the tracks!

Am I on the tracks?

- Stay on them, Belle.

- Somebody's gonna catch me if I fall, right?

- Hold on, Marybelle.

Hold on, hold on.

Wait one second.

Okay, now darling,

I want you to act like you're in ballet class and do a plie.

(Jerome claps)

And one.

- What are you guys doing?

- This is part of the coordination test, it's okay.

And one, and two. (group laughing)

And three. - Shake your hips!

- Very graceful! - (laughs) I'm gonna fall!

(group laughing)

- Okay, little choo choo,

come on down the track a little further.

- Okay, almost done. - Chug a chug a chug a chug.

- Woo woo! - There you go, Marybelle.

- Choo, choo, choo, woo woo! (laughs)

- Come on now, come on. - Okay, stop, stop, stop.

- [Connie] Okay, baby,

let me see a couple more plie knee bends.

- Connie, Connie. - (sighs) Okay.

- Follow the ballet master. - And down, deeper, deeper.

There you go.

- [Marybelle] Oh, my knees are gonna give out!

- [Connie] Back up, back up, back up.

- That's okay, come on up now.

Come on up.

- Now down, down more. - This is the last one.

- Woo woo! - Oh, that is deep!

(group laughing)

- Marybelle. - That's right.

- [Connie] And up.

- One more thing, one more thing.

- Okay. - Okay, are you ready?

- Mm-hmm.

- On the count of three,

you can take off your blindfold.

- Okay. - And one.

- [Group] Two, three!

(group clapping) (Marybelle laughing)

- Beautiful, beautiful job! (group laughing)

- You are all assholes!

(group laughing and chattering)

- Well, perhaps we could deep fry a Moon Pie.

- [Jerome] I like the direction you're heading.

- Well, we could.

- We could deep fry two Moon Pies

until they're golden brown and then we could drain them

and spread soft vanilla ice cream in between them,

and then dip the whole thing in chocolate

and put it in the freezer.

- I think I'm in love with you!

(group laughing)

- That sounds delicious!

- Is my brain shrinking?

Can you tell if my brain is shrinking?

- Have another drink, Leslie.

- Can you see it through my eyes?

- Make it a double. - Is it working?

- Yeah. - Double what?

- Double, what are you drinking?

- Here, I'll trade you. - Okay.

- It's not my fault.

- I know it's not your fault,

but I want you to apologize anyway.

- I'm not apologizing.

We were just having fun.

- Give me a kiss. - No.

- Give me a kiss.

- Have a drink.

- Honey?

- I have another game for us to play.

Max, come to mama.

- Wait a minute, what kind of a game?

- It's a special kind. - Is that a recipe tin?

- Mm-hmm.

- What are the recipes?

- Well, they're rather unique.

- This is just a list of ingredients.

- What does it say? - Ice cubes.

I don't understand.

You put an ice cube...

(Marybelle scoffs)

(group laughing)

(Jerome laughs loudly)

- You might be missing something.

- Holy shit, holy shit!

I just realized something.

I just realized this.

Casserole has the word ass in it.

(group laughing)

Sound it out, it does.

(group laughing) - All right.

All right, forgive me people but I'm gonna be honest.

I am capital H horny.

- That is not news. - No news at all, Bert.

- I can't say horny 'cause it reminds me of zebras.

- Zebras don't have horns.

- But they should. - They have stripes.

Jerome, Jerome give me another one of those cards.

- Horn stripe. - Well, this is so precious.

Get your waders out, boys.

All this one says is turn to the person on your left

and tell them one thing you like about them,

and in parenthesis, physical.

- Sugar, you have a beautiful mouth.

It is a chasm of beauty, and I should know,

because I want to spelunk into it. (laughs)

(Sugar claps)

- Thank you, Leslie.

- [Jerome] No, I don't.

Let's not do this one.

I don't wanna do this.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- It's okay. - Quiet.

(group chattering)

Shh!

Quiet.

I am about to turn my head to the left.

(Flo sings triumphantly)

Max Beadham, you are gorgeous,

and every woman in this room thinks so too.

- Sugar! - Hey, that's my husband!

(group laughing)

- I thought we were gonna say it and move on.

- Okay, Max, your turn. - Connie, don't be jealous.

- Kitty? - Yes.

- I think you have great tits.

- Oh, thank you! (group laughing)

- I'm with you all the way, buddy!

(group laughing)

Yes, she does. - Kitty, go.

- Okay, I'm going, bossy!

(sighs) Connie.

Your eyes.

I seriously cannot look into your eyes for too long

because if I do,

I just wanna jump on you and take you on a Kitty vacation!

(Kitty laughs)

- Down, Kitty, down. (group laughing)

- Meow! (laughs)

- Okay, me.

Marybelle. - Watch it now.

(Kitty laughs) - Here, here.

- To put it simply, I love your ass.

I love every slope and curve of your bottom.

I love spending time with you,

but watching you walk away

is one of the supreme pleasures of my life.

If I could,

I would eat every meal off of your rump.

I wanna make a mold of your rear end

so I can hang it on the wall next to my bed

so I can spend every night staring at your ass.

- Conrad. - That's enough now.

- Enough. (laughs)

- Sugar, don't be jealous.

- Stop. - Thank you.

- Sterling. - Yes.

I think you have very strong looking hands.

- Aw.

(group laughing)

- Say thank you. (group laughing)

- Florene. - Yes, my dear?

- You give me some goose pimples.

- Is that all? - And you smell really nice.

- It's Estee Lauder.

(both laughing)

But you already know that.

- Oh, wait a minute.

That's not fair, they're married.

- Naughty boy.

Go to him.

- Okay, Leslie, I'm proud to call you my friend.

- Oh, isn't that sweet. - That's nice.

- Boring! - That's not physical.

- Thank you. - Oh, it's not physical.

- Oh, you're, I always thought you had a great eyebrows.

- Mr. Bert, thank you.

Thank you for that compliment, Ster.

- So we've made the rounds.

What's the next card?

- I don't think we need to play anymore.

- No, we can't stop in the middle.

- I don't understand these games.

I mean, how do we know who's winning and who's losing?

- I don't have a fucking clue.

- That's not the point, darling.

- This one's good, I really like this one.

It'll be fun.

Lay on the ground.

- Oh yes. - With your heads touching.

And let your brains synchronize.

(Flo whistling)

- Um, maybe we should try another one.

(group laughing) - Yeah, sure.

- Well then, is everybody ready for another game?

- Angel. - Sterling.

How about this one?

- Grab each other and start swinging.

- How do we do that?

- Oh, oh, I know, I know, I know!

Connie, come here.

Come here.

Grab your arms like this.

- Oh, we used to do this when we were kids!

It's fun!

- Come here, come on, sit down.

Okay, ready? - Yeah!

- We'll start swinging.

Oh!

(group laughing)

- Oh, I wanna do it.

(group laughing)

- Now let her go!

- Woo!

- Jeepers. (laughs)

- Holy mother of tits.

- That's my gal.

- Mama wants to swim!

- Daddy wants to swim.

- Come on, boys.

What are you waiting for?

(Kitty laughing)

(playful music)

- Let's play Marco Polo. (laughs)

- Is this real?

All right.

(water splashes)

(playful swinging music)

- You do have a great ass.

- Connie!

(playful swinging music)

(sensual rhythmic music)

- I love Jell-O. - Oh, I like it too.

(both laughing)

(Sugar giggles)

(sensual rhythmic music)

(both moaning)

(sensual rhythmic music)

(water splashing)

(both moaning)

(water splashing)

(both moaning)

(water splashing) (lovers moaning)

(sensual rhythmic music)

(water splashing)

(birds chirping)

(Marybelle gasps)

(door squeaks)

- Hmm?

Connie?

Hmm.

What time is it?

Where are you going?

- To the club.

- I hadn't realized you had a game today.

Connie, come here.

I have something I could show you.

- I've already seen it.

(birds chirping)

I'll be back before dinner.

- Well, have a nice time.

- Good morning!

- I squeezed you some fresh orange juice.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- I'm going to the country club

to play a round a golf with Leslie and Connie.

- Okay.

What time will you be home for supper?

- I'm not sure, depends.

- Okay, well, just take your time. (laughs)

Would you like me to make anything specific?

- Uh, whatever you'd like.

- How about chicken?

I can use Marybelle's recipe.

You seem to enjoy that.

- Sure, if it isn't any trouble.

- No! (laughs)

No trouble at all.

(egg cracks)

- Bye dear. - Bye!

(hand mixer whirring)

- Morning, Les.

- Quite the party last night.

I hope the other golfers don't stare.

You know they'll know.

- Jesus, would you look at that broad.

Oh, Sterling, you got it lucky.

- [Sterling] Lucky?

- Sure, you got a wife with great tits.

Lets you do whatever you want.

It sounds like heaven to me. - She's not-

- Poor old Les has a wife built like a man,

and I'm tied up to a cadaver.

I can't help it if I'm horny.

I'm a man.

I mean, our job is to be horny, right?

Right? - Sure.

- Right, Les?

- I'll get back to you on that.

- Yeah, no big deal.

No big deal.

(car engine revs)

(telephone dialing)

(telephone ringing)

- [Max] Hello?

- Oh Max, thank God it's you.

It's Sugar.

Listen, I just really wanted to apologize for last night.

I feel- - Don't worry.

You were a tigress last night.

- Oh, Max.

- Hello? - I got it.

- Oh, hi Marybelle. - Sugar?

- It's me, Sugar.

- I'll let you two girls talk.

- What is it, Sugar?

- I just wanted to let you know

that I washed and dried your casserole dish

and it's ready for you any time you'd like to pick it up.

Okay? - Oh, thank you.

- [Sugar] Okay, I've gotta run now, all right?

Okay, bye!

(dial tone sounds)

(door creaking)

(light suspenseful music)

(case unzipping)

(pills rattling)

(razor squeaking)

(alcohol sloshing)

(Connie sighs)

(pills rattling)

(Connie inhales)

(somber instrumental music)

- I'm going to bed now.

- I've got some more reading to do.

- Goodnight.

- Night.

- Yeah, last night was really good.

We should do that more often.

- Yeah, well, our friends are so uptight.

I mean, it's never taken that long

to get a group in the moment.

- Oh, they're a bunch of Catholics.

- The worst. - Republicans.

(both laughing)

- You know, that's why I married you.

- Did you see that Kitty's tits?

- Oh, now pussycat.

Now these, these are tits right here.

- You are a little rascal! - Yes, I am.

- You hungry? - I'm hungry.

- I made your favorite for dinner tonight.

- Mm, green beans and ham?

- Green bean Florene. - Oh, honey.

- If you suck my Peter.

(Flo laughing)

You ain't gonna be no cheater.

Because I'm about respect.

- Come here, I love you. - Oh.

(upbeat music)

♪ Ooh, change in you ♪

♪ Ooh, change in you ♪

(Flo knocking on door)

♪ Change in you ♪

♪ There's a change in you ♪

♪ Change in you ♪

♪ I know, baby ♪

♪ There's a change in you ♪

- It's pigs on a cloud.

- It looks like Stonehenge.

- It's very interesting, Kitty.

- I mean, are we meant to use

these little wieners as utensils?

- Jesus, the tension in here, it's as thick as Nixon.

- We don't have to talk about it.

- Come on, we can't even look at each other in the eye.

It's ridiculous.

It was just sex.

- I'm not a sex person.

- I think what we need to do is just all have another party,

have a few drinks, some nice hors d'oeuvres.

- Are you insane? - I don't know.

- Either that or we turn into bitter, dried up old prunes.

- What we did was not normal!

- [Jerome] What we did was get bombed.

- Jerome is right.

We just drank a little too much is all.

- [Flo] Oh, right, blame it on the liquor.

- You know what they say?

What happens when you're drunk doesn't count.

- Well, we were much better off before we made it a contest.

- We just trampled all over our vows.

- Come on, grow up.

We're animals, get used to it.

There will be no more dissenting voices.

We're a club and we stick together no matter what.

Right, girls?

- I think what we need to do

is just follow the example of the hippies

and have a group hug or hold hands or something.

- Perfect.

- Maybe we can all burn our bras?

(group laughing)

(upbeat bouncy music)

- (clears throat) Well.

What dishes are we voting on tonight?

- Oh, well, um, Kitty made some pigs on a cloud.

Uh, Marybelle made cheesy Italian.

Jerome, her cheese enchiladas.

I made maximum crab crunch.

Florene, I'm sorry, I cannot remember what it is you made.

- I didn't make a casserole.

- But I thought that we were all gonna make casseroles.

- I made an appetizer.

- Okay, but an appetizer?

Oh, I love you. - Darling.

- Thank you.

- I call them identity bars. - Identity bars?

- They're delicious. - Is it a cookie?

Is it a cake?

Is it a bar?

Which is it?

- Mm, yummy, yummy! - How exotic.

Is that ginger that I taste?

Mm!

- Mm, creamy.

- Max, you have a crumb on your chin.

- [Kitty] Tell me, did you get the recipe off the side

of the Eagle brand sweetened condensed milk can?

- I did, but I also added a few personal touches.

- Sure, sure!

Who doesn't doctor a recipe?

You gotta make it your own.

- Hmm, mm-hmm.

- There you go! (laughs)

- Mm, it takes really good with whiskey. (laughs)

- These bars look fantastic.

I'm actually ready to vote right now.

Best dish of the night.

- Really?

(both laughing)

- Why do my eyebrows feel like they're flying away?

- Florene, these bars wouldn't have anything to do

with space, would they?

- Thanks, are my eyebrows still there?

- They're made in honor of Apollo 11.

- I love you, Alice Beacham.

(group laughing)

- Honey, my hairs are high.

(both laughing)

- Oh shit!

(group laughing) Oh shit!

Oh, come here, baby.

- I thought it tastes like vodka now.

- Mm, look at me I'm a dancing tree! (laughs)

- On guard!

(group laughing)

- Take that, take that!

(Marybelle laughing)

- You bastard, I'm gonna get you!

- Oh shit, what am I gonna do with a split banana?

- Let's eat it.

(group laughing)

(upbeat funky music)

- Freeze!

Looks like we got us some hooligans up here in these parts.

- Yes, ma'am.

Looks like we ought to frisk 'em.

- Drop the belt. - Excuse me, ma'am.

- Can you turn down your headlights?

I need to check under the hood.

(Kitty giggling)

- Drop 'em nice and slow. - Take it easy.

- You've been a bad boy.

Mm!

(upbeat funky music)

(Jerome laughing)

(both moaning)

(Jerome banging on door)

(both moaning)

(Jerome laughing)

(both moaning)

(upbeat funky music)

(both breathing heavily)

(upbeat funky music)

- Ooh. (retching)

(birds chirping)

- Do you still like me?

(door clicks shut)

I still like you.

I love you. (sniffs)

(light instrumental music)

(high heels clicking)

(somber instrumental music)

♪ Some day he will come along ♪

♪ Some day and he'll be big and strong ♪

♪ Some day he will come along ♪

♪ Come along ♪

♪ Some day he'll come along ♪

♪ That man I love ♪

♪ Some day he'll come along ♪

♪ That man I love ♪

♪ Woman, won't you see ♪

- Hello, Max.

♪ Won't you send him to me ♪

- It's pretty isolated over here.

Good job.

- It's my private spot.

It's where I come to think and to be alone.

♪ I'm tired of being blue ♪

- [Sugar] I made us a picnic lunch.

- [Max] I don't really have time to eat.

♪ But a miracle and that miracle must come true ♪

♪ Woman, won't you send ♪

♪ Won't you send him my way ♪

♪ Oh, I'm so lonely ♪

♪ I'm so blue ♪

♪ I need someone to love me ♪

♪ Someone who'll be true ♪

♪ I'm down on my knees ♪

♪ I'm begging you please ♪

♪ Won't you help me somebody, help me somebody ♪

♪ Won't you send him to me ♪

(birds chirping)

- Honestly, my favorite thing is when Kitty rubs my monster

while I watch "The Carol Burnett Show." (laughs)

- How is it that the subject of our conversations

always turn to sex?

- 'Cause people like to talk about the things

that they want and they never get.

- Romance?

- Like blowjobs.

- Hey buddy, I'm with you all the way. (laughs)

- My wife's vagina looks like a parenthesis with an Afro.

- Well, I'm not sure I understand vaginas.

- What's to understand?

A pussy is a doorway.

You go in and you come out.

Les, you're up, buddy.

- Of course my wife won't even give me a blowjob,

I go down on her and everything's fine.

but when it comes to returning the favor,

she always says, "No, no, no, it's not ladylike."

What's not ladylike about that?

- You should try my wife.

She gives great blow jobs.

- Are you kidding me? - Flo knows what a man needs.

Well, ask Connie.

He's been on the receiving end.

- Flo knows.

(group laughing)

- See, fellas, it's all about symbiosis.

The women, they bring the main dish and the men,

they bring the dessert.

That little casserole thing that they've got going on.

It's like a gift

waiting under the tree for us to open. (laughs)

- So you guys should, uh, come over Friday night,

bring the wives.

It'll be fun.

- Say again?

- We have to populate.

Populate!

(group laughing)

- Oh, I'll be sure to bring Patti.

- It's time to act like ancient Romans.

- Men, grab your sticks.

It's time to throw our balls around.

(group chuckles)

- I'm a little uncomfortable with stereotypes.

- Do you like the way I look in this?

- Sure. - What does that mean?

- [Marybelle] Do you think I look pretty?

- Belle, I've lived with you for 12 years

and I'm not gonna fall into your circle conversation.

- It's not a circle, it's communication.

Just a simple answer.

Just look at me and tell me if you think I look pretty.

Say yes or no.

- You look delicious.

If you were a cake, I'd eat you up.

- There, that wasn't so hard, was it?

I don't know though.

I think this belt hits me a little high in the waist.

I don't have a waist.

Where are you going?

- In the TV room where there's no belts.

- You don't care how I look at all, do you?

You wouldn't mind if I walked around

in front of our friends without a waist.

- Belle, why don't you just take the belt off?

- And look like a shapeless sack?

No, thank you.

You're so clueless about fashion.

Max, please.

I just finally got my makeup right.

(slow dramatic music)

- Sterling. - Ned.

- Hail Caesar. - When in Rome, Brute.

When in Rome.

- Kit, I'd like you to meet Ned and Marjorie Levon.

Ned, Marjorie, this is my wife, Kitty.

- Pleasure.

- And this is Gayle and Patti Carver.

- What a lovely home,

and your haciendas, they're so beautiful.

- They're hydrangeas, dear.

- But I'm fine.

Not fine, I'm, what does fine mean anyway?

It's such a nothing word.

I'm doing okay.

I'm sound, I'm with it.

I'm groovy! (laughs)

I feel so stupid.

I try to sound relevant and I just can't sell it, can I?

- No. - I mean, I'm groovy.

What does that mean?

I mean, it means I'm...

Blah, it sounds like something an album would say.

I mean, if you were gonna anthropomorphize an album,

it would be right insane.

I'm groovy. (laughs)

- Take a swig of this.

(Sugar spits)

- Good lord, Jerome!

What is that, turpentine?

- Just about.

Leslie has a still in the basement.

- Jerome, we're not in the hills of Tennessee.

This is a respectable community.

- Respectable my ass.

- Screw it, I wanna get drunk.

Give me more.

- [Jerome] That's it, Sugar.

Let it all go.

(Sugar sighs)

- I mean, who are those people anyway?

I don't want them here.

I thought this party was just for us, private.

Oh, hello, Max. (laughs)

- I made shepherd's pie.

I ground the spam myself.

(birds chirping)

- Damn arthritis.

I hate our bodies.

You know, it's a design flaw

that they start falling apart before we die.

Who wouldn't have thought of that anyway?

- The Lord God in heaven above, of course,

He created us.

- Well, he should have had his damn license revoked.

Giving an expiration date to a consciousness.

How cruel?

How fucking cruel is that? (snorts)

- He gave you life after all, and don't forget that.

- What he gave me

is the ability to know that I'm going to die,

and I find that excruciating.

So go ahead and believe in your God if you must.

But at least acknowledge the fact

that he is the most psychopathic serial killer of all time.

I mean, if any one of us were to just reach across the table

and strangle the life out of her,

would it make any difference to the world?

I mean, her God kills people all the time, every day.

So it must be all right for us to do the same thing,

wouldn't you think?

Hypothetically speaking.

- Oh, is there anything I can do to help?

- Oh no, honey, we're just getting ready.

- Excuse me. - Are you sure?

- So forgive me for not knowing,

but do we take our clothes off now or later?

I've just never done this kind of thing before.

- [Flo] Whenever you feel like it, hun.

- What?

- Well, Gayle didn't tell me if we'd be screwing each other

before dinner or after dinner.

(Marjorie gasps)

Which is it?

(group laughing)

- Ned, sweetie, we're going.

- We just got here.

We're not leaving yet.

- Something's come up at church.

- [Ned] I, I don't want to go.

- I know what's going on here.

I'm not an idiot.

- Marjorie, take the car and go home.

- What? - Take the car and go home.

- Ned Levon, I'm your wife.

- Nice to meet you, Marjorie.

- Poor bastard. - Drive safe.

- I'll drink to that.

- [Group] Cheers.

- Oh, hi.

- Let me help you.

- Okay.

♪ Tell me baby, do you love me ♪

♪ Or do you take me for a fool ♪

♪ Heal me now, my fellow man ♪

♪ Now tell me what I might've did ♪

♪ Please don't fool me, let me know ♪

♪ If you love me, tell me so ♪

♪ Now do you love ♪

(slow romantic music)

- Oh damn! (laughs)

(Sterling growls)

(both laughing)

Pour me one too, Tiger.

- Are you as thirsty as I am? - Oh, you bet.

- Sterling. - Yes?

- This is a fun night, thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Oh, damn it.

Ran out of booze.

- That's cool.

We can share.

(upbeat bluesy music)

♪ Now if you love me ♪

♪ Do you love me ♪

♪ If you love me let me know ♪

- Hey, Sterling, I can't.

I don't think I can kiss a man 'cause I'm,

'cause I'm a Christian.

- Me too, man.

Christians make the best lovers.

(both breathing heavily)

Remember, Judas kissed Christ.

- [TV Announcer] In a scene described

by what investigators say

is reminiscent of a weird religious rite,

five persons including actress Sharon Tate were found dead

in the home of Miss Tate

and her husband screen director Roman Polanski.

(Sterling sobbing)

Miss Tate, who starred in "Valley of the Dolls"

was eight months pregnant

and was found in a bikini top nightgown

with a rope around her neck attached to her body.

Among the other victims

were Hollywood hairstylist Jay Sebring

and coffee heiress Abigail Folger.

Authorities ruled out in an unofficial capacity

inside the posh $200,000 home in the Hollywood Hills

overlooking Los Angeles.

(lovers moaning)

The telephone and the electricity lines cut.

The bodies had been dead about 12 hours.

They were discovered this morning by a neighbor

who went screaming to the neighbors.

One officer summed up the murders when he said,

"In all my years I've never seen anything like this."

- [Leslie] Why did the philosopher drown?

Because he jumped in the lake and thought about swimming.

(sweeping romantic music)

(birds chirping)

- Oh Jesus.

Deja vu. (chuckles)

(Kitty screams shrilly)

(dramatic music)

(suspenseful music)

(slow romantic music)

(water splashing) (group chattering)

- Is he dead?

No, is he dead? - Honey.

- No, is he? - Honey, honey.

- Patti, don't come outside.

- No, Leslie!

No, let me go!

- He's dead. - Fucking go!

- He's dead.

(Jerome sobbing)

- Leslie.

(group chattering)

- I have to ask my dad and he's not here.

- What's she doing over there?

- Every time somebody says groovy on the television,

she's taking a drink.

- [Television Character] Groovy.

- Does my face look red to you?

- Marybelle, you are always so concerned with your face.

- Do you think angels live in our hair?

- Marybelle? - Angels.

- Do you think angels live in our hair?

I think angels are real and tiny and transparent,

and they live in our hair.

Sometimes they sit and dangle their feet

over the top of our ears so that they can give us advice

when we're having trouble.

- [Sugar] Marybelle.

(can opener whirring)

(Jerome sniffs)

- Jerome?

- I can do the headstand, wanna see?

Leslie, do you like that?

- Jerome, oh no, Jerome.

Jerome, we're not gonna do this, Jerome.

- She wants to get down. - Jerome.

- No. - No, no, I got it.

(Jerome sobbing loudly)

- You're okay, baby.

(Jerome sobbing loudly)

- Okay.

(Jerome sobbing loudly)

- What a mess.

- [Sugar] Sit down and I'll get you in your dinner.

- Another bubbling concoction of crap?

Why can't we ever have a real meal?

- Well, this one is turkey divan strata, and you love it.

I made it for you our first night in this house.

Do you remember, Connie?

- Steak would be a good meal.

You're too lazy to cut up some real vegetables

and grill me a piece of meat?

- [Sugar] Well, this has turkey in it

and it's got some spinach,

and it's very, very good for you, Connie.

- Sterling says Kitty makes a different meal every night.

- [Sugar] Kitty is not creative.

- What about roast chicken?

I would love a roast chicken.

- Kitty is my very good friend,

but I can assure you she is not roasting chickens.

Kitty does not know how to bake a potato.

- You don't even try.

You do nothing.

Hell, even the can opener does the work for you.

- Connie, today was Leslie's day.

I didn't have time to truss you a bird.

- I didn't have time to truss you a bird.

You're a stupid little hole, you know that?

- Connie, I saw you fucking that bitch

and I saw that you liked it.

Is it 'cause she was a stranger?

Is that what it takes now, Connie?

A stranger?

- Do you really want to get into this now?

- Well, I'm just not so sure why

you invited those people into our house.

They're not part of our little group.

- You mean they had nothing to do with you and Max Beadham.

- I don't know what you're talking.

- Oh, come on, Sugar.

Be honest.

You've been wet for Max since they moved across the street.

I know how that deceitful mind of yours works.

You couldn't wait to get Max inside you.

You planned that party and got us all drunk

so you'd have an excuse to live out your fantasy.

- I'll tell you something.

You take things and you mess it around.

I don't know how to reach you anymore, Connie.

I don't know how to talk to you!

- [Connie] You don't know what you're talking about.

- Would you like one scoop or would you like two?

- I don't want your fucking casserole!

(dish shatters)

I'm sick of it!

I'm sick of you!

I'm sick of this house!

I'm sick of your whiny mouth!

- I made you that dinner, Connie!

You used to like that dish.

You used to love, love, love turkey divan strata!

I worked hard to make dinner tonight

because I wanted to make you happy!

I work hard to make you happy, Connie, and you ruin it!

You ruined our dinner!

You get drunk and you get mad, and you ruin everything!

You lock yourself in that fucking bathroom

and you, you go after that,

whatever you do to yourself, Connie!

Your leg.

Your leg looks like raw hamburger meat!

How am I supposed to love that?

- [Connie] Shut your fucking mouth!

(Sugar sobbing)

- Just stop it.

Just stop it.

Just stop it. (sobbing quietly)

Connie.

I'm pregnant.

- Whore.

Isn't that an ugly word?

Hmm?

I think it's the hard H sound, huh,

followed by that hard R.

Whore.

It's really ugly word, isn't it?

Whore.

You almost have to expectorate to say it.

Whore!

I think that's what makes it such a horrible word.

Not just the consonants hitting each other

that it takes effort to say it.

(yells) Whore!

You really have to push to get it out.

- Connie, help me.

Just help me.

- Whore. (sobbing)

(yelling) Whore!

- Help me.

Please don't leave me.

- Filthy!

- Please don't leave me, Connie.

Connie, come back here, please!

Please, Connie!

I'm so sorry.

Connie, I'm sorry, please come back here!

Connie!

(somber instrumental music)

- I'm a lemon, I'm a bag of jello.

Look at me, I'm a yeti.

- No, you're not.

(light piano music)

You're thick.

I like you fine just the way you are.

- No one likes a man ballast.

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

We're in this together, remember?

Look.

Okay, I'm not exactly a tasty dish.

- What are you talking about?

You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

I'm a manatee.

God, when did this happen?

I'm not even a man anymore.

- Of course you're a man.

You're my man.

- No, I'm not.

I'm a dump truck, the cruise liner.

I'm the darn is Isthmus of Panama.

- You're perfect to me, okay?

(light piano music)

(Jerome sobbing)

You're perfect to me.

- Hey, Ned, come here for a second.

- What do you want?

- What's going on, Ned?

- I've gotta be some place.

I gotta go.

- Wait!

I thought maybe we'd get, um,

get together sometime.

- I'm still not that way, I'm sorry.

- Really?

(light piano music)

- Really.

- You know for not being that way,

you sure give a hell of a blowjob, buddy.

(punch thuds) (Sterling groans)

- Stay the fuck out of my life.

(somber instrumental music)

(door slams shut)

- Oh my God.

What happened?

Sterling, what happened?

- I messed up, Kitty. (sobs)

- Shh, okay, I'm here.

(Sterling sobbing)

I'm here, okay, honey?

Come here.

(Sterling sobbing)

(light instrumental music)

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.

(Sterling sobbing)

(birds chirping)

- Hello, Max.

Oh, I've missed you so much.

- What are you doing here?

- You're all sweaty, Max.

- I just got back from a run.

- How long will it take you to pack?

My things are all ready, I figure if we leave now,

we could be to Vegas by nightfall.

- Sugar, what are you talking about?

- Oh, we're gonna start a new life together, Max.

You and I, won't it be divine?

I'm having our baby, Max.

We did it.

You and I, baby Beadham.

It'll be the most beautiful baby ever.

I've never felt this way before.

You don't understand.

I feel alive for the first time ever in my whole life, Max.

Everything is going to be-

- Sugar, I don't know what's going on in that head of yours,

but I am not leaving my wife.

(birds chirping distantly)

- But you're gonna be a daddy, Max.

A real father.

- How do you know it's mine?

Everyone was with everyone.

What about Connie?

- Connie hasn't touched me in eons.

- We were drunk.

We were having fun.

You've probably forgotten this is someone else's mistake.

- A mistake?

No, Max, don't be silly.

We love each other.

I love you and you love me.

We met in private, remember?

That made it different.

- Sugar.

I love Marybelle.

She's my wife,

and I'm not gonna leave her.

Not now, not ever.

- Okay.

- I'm sorry, Sugar.

I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea.

- No, I'm fine, I'm just fine.

Everything's gonna be okay. (sighs)

I'm okay. (laughs)

(light instrumental music)

What am I supposed to do, Max?

What am I supposed to do?

- [Max] You'll figure it out, Sug.

(light instrumental music)

(light piano music) (birds chirping)

(crickets chirping)

- Leslie. (laughs)

(light instrumental music)

(crickets chirping)

(door clicks shut)

- You look good like that.

Natural.

- Oh, Max.

My eyes disappear and my lips are too thin.

- [Max] I don't like the paint.

- All the other girls are so put together and so with it.

I've gotta be more like that.

I'm such a square. (laughs)

- Belle, come here.

I've been thinking, let's try to have a baby.

- Oh, Max, I don't know.

I'd have to buy a whole new wardrobe. (laughs)

And this house, it's our house.

It's not a house for a baby.

- You are beautiful.

Just like this.

And I don't care about any of that stuff.

I wanna start over again.

Move away from here.

- Move away from our friends?

- [Max] Everyone.

- Oh, Max, yes.

Yes, I want to.

We'll buy a new house.

A bigger house. - Yeah.

- And we'll paint it.

I'll pick out soothing colors for our baby

and we'll put a swing set in the backyard

and we'll have real grass.

- Yeah. - And trees.

- We can move to Colorado. - Yes.

- Away in the mountains. - Yes, yes.

- Away from everybody.

- And I'll slide out of bed in the morning

and pull my hair back

and make pancakes for the whole family.

- Oh, I want that, I want to.

- We can live somewhere with no mirrors, right?

No mirrors.

- Yes, Belle Belle.

We don't have to live with any of that stuff.

- I feel like everybody's always looking at me.

- The only neighbors we'll have

are the deer and the squirrels.

(both laughing)

(light romantic music)

- Come on, help me.

(Marybelle laughing)

More, grab them all!

(clothing ripping)

(light romantic music)

(both groan)

- I love you, wife.

- I love you, husband.

(TV announcer chattering)

- Jesus H. Christ. - Holy shit.

(Flo gasps)

- How did we miss this the first time?

(Flo chuckles)

Un-fucking-believable.

(astronaut chattering)

(light romantic music)