Original subtitles

There it is - Munty.

What a dump.

# We've already said

# Goodbye...

HOWELL: I'll show you how to turn water into shoes!

# Since you gotta go, oh, you'd better go now...

I hereby find the defendant guilty!

# Go now, go now Go now... #

Munty Gazette, Munty Gazette.

Find out what the Protector's up to.

Hey, Treebor! How's it going?

(CLUCKS)

Yeah. Got no idea what you're saying, mate.

Anyway, doesn't matter, because Howell is sending me home

tomorrow, so goodbye.

Or should I say...? (CLUCKS)

(CLUCKS ANGRILY)

Alright, suit yourself, Nando's. I'll see you around.

Or perhaps I won't, because I'm going home.

What's he done now?

He was a good wizard.

Well, he was a wizard.

No!

No, he can't be dead! Not now!

That's it Brian, let it out.

It's all part of the grieving process.

What happened to him?!

I think he just had one too many rhubarb seizures.

Well, how many did he have?

Oh, God!

One day! One more day!

That's all I needed, you stupid, brain-fried, drunken,

hopeless, stinky old tramp!

Old? I'm only 47.

He's alive! Yay!

Oh, I thought we'd lost you!

You had me worried there.

Dead customer - never good for business.

Reminds me of the time when... Not now, Herman.

I'm fine. I just overcooked it a little bit, that's all.

You can't do this to me, Howell. You're my ticket home!

Look, the important thing is - I've learnt my lesson.

And I will never have another rhubarb seizure

as long as I live.

Triple brandy, please, Herman.

(LAUGHS) Let's get on it!

So, do we have a deal? Absolutely.

I will get you home in exchange for...

Ooh, that's a block bag, innit?

(LAUGHS) The Henge.

This, Brian, is the Henge,

built by the Protector to store massive amounts of magical energy,

Brian.

The Henge was designed by Simon the Contrary,

hence the fact that the stone circle is in fact made of iron.

Makes sense. Mm.

You and I stand here and here in the two summoning squares.

Which are triangles. Classic Simon the Contrary.

I pull out my wand, cast the spell and then unleash the magic

stored within the Henge -

sending you, my friend,

home!

Piece of cake.

Sounds good. Here you go.

Are you going to be alright?

Yeah, me? Yeah, I'm alright.

Nothing a little drink can't sort out.

Well, hang on a minute. Howell!

You were at death's door this morning!

Can't have you keeling over halfway through.

Don't worry, Brian, that's not going to happen.

Not three times in one week. (LAUGHS)

This, indeed, is my bad boy jacket.

Well, I thought I'd dress smart for my first day...

..in my new job!

New job? You've never had a job in your entire life.

Not true, I...

..guarded the albino pear tree.

Anyway, this is a management role.

Competitive pay, generous holidays, plus complimentary work boots.

Management boots?

Yeah.

What a wonderful day!

You're looking chipper, Barbara. I am. (LAUGHS)

Hello, Steggy.

Oh, get off!

Ah, I'm just popping in for a quick drink,

before I meet my tall dark stranger.

Brian? No, not Brian.

I've been misreading the runes.

I've got a new man in my life.

A dissatisfied customer? No.

His name's Skoll, he's from North Skreeland

and he's very incredibly, extremely nice.

And he works as a guard.

(WHISPERS) At the Henge. (GASPS)

Do I hear the sound of wedding pipes?

(LAUGHS) Well, it is my destiny, Herman.

I mean, the runes have spoken.

But do you even speak Skreelish?

Nope, we don't need to talk. We have natural chemistry.

We are deeply connected.

I give it a week.

Greetings, everyone. I've just popped in for a bite to eat.

Mystery meat platter?

Perfect! Brian not about?

No? No.

Oh. In which case, I think I'll have a little loosener.

Herman, I'd like a cauliflower snap attack!

(THEY LAUGH)

Don't give him a drink!

It's just a little one, Brian. What are you doing?

Ha-ha-ha! Ha!

Right, OK.

If even a drop of alcohol touches your lips,

I will snap this wand in half.

Whoa! Careful now, Brian.

That wand is made from pure mountain willow,

glazed with the tears of a dying unicorn...

..and you'll get splinters.

You've got to stop drinking, just for one day!

Alright, I'll do it! I'll do it.

I don't believe this - Howell's given up drinking,

Steg's got a job, Barbara's got a boyfriend.

Yeah, and I'm going home. So...

Ah, maybe I should make a little change.

Get a nice little place by the sea.

Could probably afford it if I sell that bottle of velvet gin.

(GASPING)

You've got a bottle of velvet gin?

Yeah, 500 years old.

Not telling you lot where it is, though.

It's in the cellar.

No.

Mm, a little taste of it.

Ah, ah, ah, ah! You are giving up.

It's alright, Brian. It's not a problem.

This mind is a lot stronger than you think.

(CLOCK TICKS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

How long's it been?

37 seconds.

(STRAINS)

Contract signed, great to have you on the management team.

Great to be here.

How are you feeling about working with us, excited?

Absolutely. Excellent! Plenty of spirit.

Right, here are your complimentary boots.

Yes! Thank you.

Shall we get started?

Ah.

What, here? Down we go.

Sorry, in the...

Uh, ugh!

..in the sewer?

Yep. Should be just in time for the post-lunch rush.

Is this job waste management?

Yes, it is.

(GROANS)

Come on, let's get scooping.

I've always wanted to come here.

It's so romantic and the food is lovely.

(IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Gragoon kutook!

Music for the lady?

(GROWLS) I'll come back later.

Now, I-I know I shouldn't have,

but I have bought you

a little three-day anniversary present.

I'm not expecting anything back, but...

Muck tak took tak.

It's a Munty phrase book.

I thought it might help us get to know each other.

You. Present.

Yes.

You bunny rabbit.

Oh! (GIGGLES)

Oh.

I think there's been some sort of mistake.

Boots too tight?

No, boots are fine. I thought this was a desk job.

A desk, in the sewers? It's much more exciting than that!

Right.

Now, you're in luck,

'cause we're going to start with some turd scooping.

Excited?

Excited.

Oh, now, look. There's a blockage just there.

Oh, proper beast, that one is. In you go.

Sorry, I'm not doing this.

Yes, you are, 'cause you've signed a legally-binding contract.

There's your net.

Oh, you are keen!

(LAUGHS) Oh, look!

There's a floating Jenny.

That's one for the collection.

Come on, my girl, absolute beauty.

So the man from the other world, he's in there, is he?

And we need to find him.

You know what we should do? We should get a couple of pies.

Why? So we can blend in.

Not everybody has pies.

Some people do, we could blend in with them.

Or we could blend in with the people without the pies.

But this way we get to have a pie.

Get two pies.

Oh, and a jacket potato.

Once I get home, you can have it all back.

Oh, Brian, you poor fool.

Do you think that mere ropes can hold a wizard such as I?

What is this, a double knot?! Yep.

Ah, Brian!

Brian, I think it's worked.

Yes, yes!

The craving for alcohol has left me. Ah, what a relief.

You did it, thank you.

Untie me so I can give you a big hug.

You won't mind if I do this, then.

(WHIMPERS)

Hair of the hare.

That's your lot.

Yeah, you found them. Yep, that's the last bottle.

I can categorically state that you have found the very last...

Apart from that one. I forgot about that one.

What's this?

It's ink.

With brandy. That is sick!

You're right, Brian. I am sick.

In fact, Brian, I've only got two weeks to live.

(SOBS) Yeah, it's true.

So, please, just give me a little bit of gin

to relieve my suffering.

Brian, I tell you what,

lets make a deal, yeah?

You and me.

You tell me what you want, anything, and it's yours.

You want a sixpack? Yeah? Nine-pack? You want to be taller?

Yeah? I'll sort out your wonky teeth.

I will double the length and girth of your...

I know exactly what I want.

Name it.

I want you to live for the next 24 hours.

You have pushed your luck too far, Mr Whipper.

Release me now, or I will kill you!

(SOBS) I didn't mean that Brian!

That's the lack of booze talking.

I love you, I love you like the son I never wanted.

Brian, I am a proud man, and I will not beg.

(SOBS) Please, please, please, I'm begging ya.

I'll see ya tomorrow.

Where are you going? No, Brian, don't leave!

No, no! (SOBS)

(YELLS) No!

(ROOSTER CROWS)

Howell...

Today's the big day!

Where are you?

Good morning, Brian.

And what a beautiful, beautiful morning it is.

Are you drunk?

Drunk on life.

Oh, God, what have you done now?

I've been juicing some nettles.

They are so packed full of nutrients, so invigorating.

Have a little sip.

Alright, a bit weird. But you're sober, yeah?

Oh, I'm clean and serene, daddy-o.

Well, that's great! That means we can do the Henge tonight.

Hm, tonight. I'm not sure.

Hm, yeah, I've got yoga at the Lake of Serenity,

followed by a spin class.

Ah, it is fabulous. You spin around till you're dizzy.

(LAUGHS) It's the most extraordinary natural high, Brian.

No, we need to go to the Henge tonight, remember?

Remember the super solstice, all the stored magic?

Yes, about that, you see, I've...

Well, I don't do magic anymore.

What?! I've turned my back on it. Yeah.

But...

(YELLS)

Well, I've had a lovely day.

I see dwarf.

Oh, look at you with your speaking. (GIGGLES)

Dwarf is dirty. Steal job.

Oh, I think you've got confused.

Er, goblin - dirty. Goblin is big scum, yeah, big scum.

No, Skoll, you've got to be nice about dwarves and goblins.

Kill dwarves. Chop goblins.

Elves is...

Oh, no, Skoll, you like elves. Elves are nice.

Elves is big dirty pig scum!

Oh, aren't these toffee pears lovely.

Mm.

Barbara is not pig scum.

Barbara is good woman.

Well, that's nice.

Good woman cook food and wash pants of man.

Skoll, we need to talk.

Listen to me, Howell, it's the super solstice,

where the boundaries between worlds are at their thinnest.

Very, very thin. It has to be tonight!

Brian, I could very, very easily cast a spell

that would send you back to your own world,

but what would that really achieve?

It would send me back to my own world!

I don't belong here, Howell. I need your magic.

Magic. Ha! What is magic, Brian?

Magic is the beauty of a sunset.

It is the first tottering steps of a baby deer.

It's the soft caress of a snowflake as it drifts gently down...

..onto the cheek.

(GASPS) Bollocks!

Look, here's your wand.

It's just a stick, Brian.

And I've got the spell!

All you need to do is read it out!

I'm sorry, Brian, I'm out.

Oh, and, Brian. Yeah?

I want to thank you for opening my eyes.

Look, Howell, I'm a proud man and I won't beg.

Please, please, please, please, please, please!

Buy one pair, get 17 free. Everything must go!

Closing down, I'm closing down.

Everything gone pear shaped?

It's just a joke.

Are things not going well? Quite the opposite, actually.

I'm buying a bigger stall in Brevitt.

I mean, who wants to spend the rest of their life in Munty?

Yeah, fair point.

You only get one shot in life.

Sometimes you just have to go for it.

You know what? You're absolutely right.

It's two halves for Barbara and a dandelion cordial for Howell.

Thank you, Herman.

And I would like to pay my outstanding bar bill.

Oh, now you're just scaring me.

Greetings, spongers.

Is this going to take long?

Only I'm on a break. I've no idea.

Brian said to meet here 'cause he's got something to tell us.

What is that smell?

Ah, hi, everyone. I'm glad you could all be here.

I've got an announcement to make.

I knew it, he's an elf.

Now, as you know, Howell won't be taking me home.

He's made a lifestyle choice, and it's one that I totally respect.

Thank you, Brian.

So I did some thinking,

and I've decided that I'm going to go alone.

I've got the wand, I've got the map, I've got the spell.

I'll either get home or die trying.

So brave!

You see, you only really get once chance in life,

and I think you've just gotta go for it.

Right, good luck, Brian. I'd better get back to work.

Oh, there was one other thing.

Ugh.

Seeing as though that this is going to be our last evening together.

I know I'm going to miss you guys, the gang.

I thought it would only be proper if we had one final drink.

That's velvet gin!

Actually, I do have a few spare minutes.

I thought I had the only bottle left in Munty.

Where did you get it? It's a long story.

Well, tell the story.

Did you win it? Exactly, yes.

Er, it was a prize.

You see, there was this eccentric man that owned a gin factory

and he put five gold tickets into a bottle.

Into the same bottle? No, into different ones.

And the five ticket holders got to go inside the factory

and meet the mysterious owner, Gene Wilder.

Were you one of the winners?

Yeah, yeah, it was me, a spoilt boy, a spoilt girl,

another spoilt girl and a fat kid.

That sounds like the band you were in!

Steps!

Anyway, to cut a long story short,

they all got horrifically maimed in some way, and I won this!

When did this happen?

This afternoon. Anyway, pour 'em out, Herman, eh?

(LAUGHS) One each for everyone.

Ah, no, oh, sorry.

Insensitive. No, can we get a nettle juice for Howell.

That's right, isn't it? Yeah.

Oh, look at that. Healthy. Oh, there you go.

Thank you, Brian. It looks good. Hey, proud of you.

Alright, here we go!

ALL: Ho-ho-ho!

Alright!

ALL: Cheers.

Oh, that is nice. Oh! Oh!

That's delicious. Is it nice?

It's like a rabbit is kissing my tonsils with a feather,

wrapped in bacon.

It's like being massaged by a rainbow.

I'm getting burnt almonds and cherries,

with a hint of licorice.

Mm. I was going to say that!

(LAUGHS) It's making my legs feel funny.

(THEY LAUGH) Now, that is really...nice.

That reminds me of the time when...

STEG AND BARBARA: Not now, Herman.

Actually, perhaps I could...

What's that? Nothing, nothing.

I mean for old time's sake,

perhaps I could...

Well, it's our last chance.

..perhaps have a little sip?

(EXHALES)

I might just finish that off. Please.

You know what would go well with that?

A pint of wine!

Herman, give the man a drink.

Brian, let's hit the Henge!

He's back!

Wait here.

Eeeee!

Idiot.

Right, this is it.

The entrance to the Protector's Henge.

There's Skoll...

I knew there was some left!

Skoll's alright about letting us in, yeah?

Erm, right.

Erm, I meant to say...

We're on a break.

What kind of break? A permanent break.

Yeah, but he'll still let us in, won't he?

I'll go and have a word. Go on.

It'll be fine, Brian. 100% guaranteed.

Well, high 90s.

Hello, Skoll. Erm, I just wanted...

What do you reckon?

(UNINTELLIGIBLE)

Can we come in? No!

Looks good.

We really need to be moving.

Well? Commitment issues.

OK, but he's still going to let us in, right?

No.

We've got 10 minutes to get to the Henge!

I know! A simple stunning hex. That'll do the trick.

It's too close to the Henge. It's absorbing all the magic.

Herman, you used to be a warrior. Can't you just...?

Leave this to me and my trusty knife.

What's this? A stapler?

It's because the boundary between worlds has become very, very thin.

Things are crossing over.

What is it?

Well, it uses sort of small metal brackets to...

Anyway, that doesn't matter, we need to get in that Henge.

Come on, think. There must be another way in.

(GRUNTS)

Busy day at the office?

Huh?

Oh.

Is that my jacket?

Well, that'll brush off.

Hang on a minute.

Ugh, I just stood on something that crunched.

Oh, I just stood on something that squelched!

It's alright once you're in.

Just when I thought Munty couldn't get any worse, it does.

I know these sewers like the back of my hand.

What is that on the back of your hand?

Huh? Oh, I hadn't noticed that.

Right, we are here.

Big.

Come on, Brian.

An iron henge. Typical Simon the Contrary.

Alright, 30 seconds.

Right, Brian you need to get into the north triangle.

This is it - midnight!

The super solstice!

I speak to you, oh, mighty, mighty Henge,

and request that you open a portal

between Munty of the Western Marches

and Isleworth, just off the A316.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

This is it! I'm going home!

Herman!

It was your velvet gin. Sorry about that.

I command you

to send man home!

Brian, I'm coming with you!

Argh!

I'm still here.

Hang about.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

I think I'm standing in the wrong triang...

No! No, no, no, no! No!

This is wrong! This is all wrong!

Swapped triangles. Typical Simon the Contrary. (LAUGHS)

Listen, guys, we should probably get going.

Let's head to the sewer. (FLUTTERING)

This way!

The gate!

What are you doing here? You lot are in big trouble.

All bow before the Protector.

You have defiled my Henge,

and the penalty is death by soup.

And the penalty is death by axe,

with croutons.

No croutons.

Look, I can explain everything.

Actually, it is quite complicated.

I can't explain anything.

For months, I have been preparing this Henge.

I've worked every hour of the day.

I stopped sleeping, washing,

brushing my hair, flossing,

I stopped taking off my hat to make more time for my dream,

my beloved Henge!

And now it is ready to fulfil its purpose,

and its purpose, of course, is...

Ah, thank you!

My pleasure.

Hey. You can't do that to my friends.

We meet at last, Brinan Wifter.

Weaver. Brian Weaver.

I told you that's an I.

My letter. You got my letter! You came!

Right, time to go. Go where?

Whoa! What's going on?

Do you like zoos, Brian?

Well, I'm not massively keen on going to a zoo right now.

Oh, we won't be visiting it, Brian, you'll be in it.

Let's go.

Where are we going? I don't want to go.

What's going on?

Help!

Right. So who brought this in?

I don't know.

We should send a health and safety memo.

I mean, it's completely unacceptable.

..triangle!

Have you come to fix the photocopier?

Yes.

OK, it's...

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation