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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,320
Why is Munty so dangerous?
2
00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:04,520
Ever since I've got here,
3
00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:09,600
I've been punched, headbutted,
pecked, forced to fight a giant.
4
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:11,640
I need some protection.
5
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,440
You should have been a warrior
like I was.
6
00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,240
Great life.
7
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,200
Well, don't become
a stupid soothsayer.
8
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,200
It's a complete waste of time.
9
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:21,000
Do you know how many customers
I've got?
10
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,080
None.
11
00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:24,680
I had one regular one
but she's gone.
12
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,280
What happened to her?
13
00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:28,240
(SIGHS) I predicted
she'd go on a long journey.
14
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,280
And?
She fell off a cliff.
15
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:32,840
Onto a boat.
16
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,280
She's probably half way
to Vodkof by now.
17
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,000
I'll tell you how to protect
yourself, Brian.
18
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,400
I am after all well accounted
19
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,160
with the martial arts
of the horse people.
20
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:42,800
I'll show you.
21
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,160
(CLEARS THROAT)
22
00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:45,440
Stand like this.
23
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,600
(PANTS TEAR)
Ah! Oh, Crunt!
24
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,200
Brilliant!
25
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,880
And then, while they're all laughing,
you peg it.
26
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:58,720
(LOUD THUDS)
27
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,720
What do you reckon, Brian?
Fancy a game of darts?
28
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,360
Just like you said.
29
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:07,440
17's missing.
Ah.
30
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,160
That explains why it goes up to 21.
31
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,280
Here you are, Bri.
32
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:14,880
Show us how you beat that bloke,
Phil Taylor.
33
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,360
Oh, it's a bit of rust.
34
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:28,000
That's just what we need round here,
a bit of fun.
35
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:31,000
Brian said that the players
walk round with nicknames
36
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,320
on the back of their shirts.
37
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:34,440
What's yours again, Bri?
38
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:38,600
Erm, Brian 'the Dream' Weaver.
39
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,720
Is that 11?
Yeah, happy with that.
40
00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:46,880
Greetings!
41
00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:48,320
Whoa, whoa...
42
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:50,080
Hey, no bringing in your own food.
43
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:54,000
This isn't food, Herman,
this is business.
44
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:58,080
An extremely rare saurus egg.
45
00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,680
And I've got a buyer all lined up,
46
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:03,800
just need to keep it nice and cold.
47
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:05,720
Do us a favour
and stick it in your cellar?
48
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:06,920
Stolen, is it?
49
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,400
Harvested, Steg,
50
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:12,680
from the moss caves
of Fang Tooth Mountain.
51
00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,720
He was the only one.
52
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,440
I tell ya,
got pretty poky up there.
53
00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:21,720
I had to use
some serious magical protection.
54
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:25,400
That's what I need,
magical protection!
55
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,280
Fancy teaching me some magic, Howell?
56
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:31,640
Sadly, Brian, the code
of the magician's guild forbids it.
57
00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,480
I can pay.
When do you want to start?
58
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:45,000
Nice and easy, Brian,
take your time.
59
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,120
We don't want to waste any.
60
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:48,160
Ah!
61
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:50,760
Now what?
62
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,040
One, I want you to add
the botanicals.
63
00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,480
Now we need to lower the temperature
a little bit,
64
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:06,200
so I want you to pop in
two or three ice crystals.
65
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:11,240
That's it, you're doing great, son.
66
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:19,520
Two, now I want you to pass it
very, very carefully to me.
67
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,040
What is it?
68
00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:30,120
Oh, it's delicious, cheers.
69
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,040
Keep them coming!
70
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:41,240
I think there's something wrong
with these darts.
71
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:42,480
Can I have a go?
72
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,080
Haven't you got anything better
to do?
73
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,160
No.
74
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:47,960
I haven't.
75
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:50,240
I've got no customers,
76
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:53,840
and this soothsaying business
is totally extremely rubbish.
77
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,760
(SIGHS) Is that good?
78
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,120
Erm, it's alright...
79
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,680
Nice one, Barbara.
80
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,400
You're pretty good at that,
aren't ya?
81
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,000
Course, you've got
a height advantage
82
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,840
and your arms are longer.
83
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,160
Plus, my leg's still playing up.
84
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,120
It's so cramped in here.
85
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:16,880
Are you happy now?
86
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,800
Yes.
87
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,400
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
88
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:25,440
Cross breeze.
89
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,400
Right, now, Brian,
there are several key things
90
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,080
you need to know about wands.
91
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:33,640
Wands come in all shapes
and sizes, boy.
92
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,160
Some are big and some are small.
93
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,400
Some are THICK
94
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:40,200
and some are...
95
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:43,240
Thin?
Yes, yes.
96
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,600
Very good, Brian. You're learning.
97
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:46,880
Yeah, but I'm not, though, am I?
98
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:48,400
You're just wasting my time.
99
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,520
Brian, I know what I'm doing,
I'm licensed mage.
100
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,880
Whose name is above the door?
101
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:55,040
Yours?
102
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,640
(SURPRISED) It's mine!
103
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,520
Yeah, look, shouldn't I have
some equipment or something?
104
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:07,360
Yes, you should, excellent point.
105
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:10,400
What's that?
106
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,520
Three sovs - special student price.
107
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,680
Yeah, what about this one?
108
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,960
The Saucy Secrets Of The Mages.
109
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:21,040
Not that one, Brian.
You're a little bit young for that.
110
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,080
(BUZZING)
Whoa! Don't touch that!
111
00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,200
These are sting bugs, Brian.
112
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,840
Lethal venom, but the honey...
113
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,640
Oh, unbelievable.
114
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:37,840
Shut up.
115
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:42,480
Right then, tomorrow we are going
to be dealing
116
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:45,640
with the essential subject
of wand hygiene.
117
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:49,040
Shall we settle up?
Yeah.
118
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,040
I'll give you the money...
119
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,280
when you start teaching me
some actual magic!
120
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,440
(GRUNTS) 140.
121
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,680
It's easier for you,
I've got the sun in my eyes
122
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,320
and I'm wearing tight clothing.
123
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,360
Stop it.
Right, double 19.
124
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:09,480
(CRACKING)
125
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,360
Herman, can you keep the noise down?
126
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,560
Not me, Steg.
127
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,800
(CRACKING)
Oh, what is that?
128
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,320
(CRACKING)
129
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,080
(WHIMPERS)
130
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,280
(GURGLES)
131
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:30,600
What is that?
132
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,800
(CRIES SOFTLY)
133
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:39,080
When I count down from three,
I want you to release the vase...
134
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,800
..issue your command.
135
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,320
You ready?
136
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,520
Yes.
137
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:50,520
Three, two, one...
138
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,760
Go!
Suspend!
139
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:59,120
(LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY)
140
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,760
I'm doing it,
I'm bloody doing it!
141
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,560
Concentrate, Brian!
142
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,560
Oh.
143
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:10,760
Why don't you waft it
around the room a little bit?
144
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,360
Sling it over to the left.
145
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,640
(LAUGHS)
146
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:17,680
That's it, and over to the right.
147
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:23,080
Cor, fabulous technique.
148
00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:27,960
And bring it slowly down,
back on the desk.
149
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,080
(EXHALES LOUDLY) Cor!
150
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:34,040
That was amazing!
What a buzz, eh?
151
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,600
Cor! Can we do it again?
Oh, no, no, no.
152
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,640
We need to give the universe
a little bit of a break.
153
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:42,040
Can't have the cosmic energy
spiralling out of control.
154
00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,280
That don't bare thinking about,
does it?
155
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:53,280
That cost me double 19 to check out,
and then that happened.
156
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:55,080
(YELLS) Crunt!
157
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:56,280
Your egg's hatched.
158
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:57,600
What did you do?
159
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,600
Uh, single 8, double 15.
160
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,840
Anyway, it's your problem, not mine.
161
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,480
Anons!
(CRIES)
162
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,400
(STOPS CRYING)
163
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:08,520
(CRIES)
164
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,920
(STOPS CRYING)
165
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:13,120
(CRIES)
166
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,560
Not again!
167
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:18,800
When it hatched,
were you the first thing it saw?
168
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,240
Yeah, why?
169
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,520
It thinks your its mummy.
170
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:23,760
What?!
171
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,240
No, no, no,
I'm not ready for parenthood.
172
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,480
I'm too young,
I've got things to do.
173
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:30,360
You've got to get this thing
out of here.
174
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:31,560
Go on, take it.
175
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:34,880
Clear off.
176
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,640
And don't worry,
they mature very quickly -
177
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,840
from birth to adulthood
in six hours.
178
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,800
Just make sure
it gets lots of sleep.
179
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,640
Don't forget to set boundaries!
180
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,120
Aren't you supposed to be selling
that egg?
181
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:58,400
Um, no, because...
182
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,080
..I've got another one!
183
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,040
You said there was only one.
Only two, I said.
184
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:07,440
You want to get your ears
cleaned out.
185
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,480
How would you like to be invisible?
186
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,520
Really?
Yeah, really invisible.
187
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:15,720
Yeah.
188
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:16,800
Yeah?
Yeah.
189
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:17,880
Shall we, do it?
Yeah.
190
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:23,480
OK, pop round the back
and find me these ingredients.
191
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,320
That will make you invisible
for a bit.
192
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:27,560
Huh?
Nothing.
193
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,640
Egg. Big.
194
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:46,080
Hm. Yeah, that's close enough.
195
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,760
(GRUNTS)
Come on.
196
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:51,920
It's your favourite -
mushed up flies and beetles.
197
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,080
(GRUNTS)
198
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:54,920
Easy, Barbara,
careful with the darts.
199
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:58,800
Will you stop fussing
over that stupid lizard?!
200
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,800
Raising a baby
is a big responsibility.
201
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:06,920
(GRUNTS)
Here comes the troll into the cave.
202
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,640
Come on!
203
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,000
(LOVINGLY) Who's a clever boy?
204
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:20,240
Random search, nobody move.
205
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:23,360
(LAUGHS) Ugly baby!
206
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,760
Two sherries now.
207
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:31,680
What's this? Unauthorised weapons?
208
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:35,120
They're called darts,
it's a game, you throw them.
209
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,840
(GLASS SHATTERS)
210
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,840
At the board.
211
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,400
Stand aside.
212
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:45,600
20. 3.
213
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:46,640
Have I won?
214
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:47,720
Yes.
215
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,160
Good, I like this game.
216
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:53,440
Fun. (LAUGHS)
217
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:56,240
Two more sherries.
(YELLS) Now!
218
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,560
Give me the arrows
I want another go.
219
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,480
(YELLS) Champion!
220
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,840
Right, I've got the ingredients,
221
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,640
let's get invisible.
222
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,120
What?
223
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:12,720
Oh, yeah, course. Yes. (LAUGHS)
You did have two eggs.
224
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,800
Looks like a giant chicken egg.
225
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:18,240
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Stupid boy!
226
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:22,400
It's absolutely
a genuine saurous egg, last one.
227
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:27,600
In order to make
your invisibility potion,
228
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:31,040
I just need to pop out
and get one final ingredient.
229
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,200
Brilliant.
230
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:37,160
Ah, the problem is I'm expecting
someone to come and collect the egg.
231
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,040
I could wait here for you.
232
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,560
Oh, that's very good of you, Bri.
233
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:44,760
The problem is
he'll only deal with me.
234
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,720
Erm...
235
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,040
Well, I could go
and get the ingredient.
236
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,080
Great!
237
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,760
The problem is you don't know
238
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:58,000
how to gather
necrotic fungus leaves, do you?
239
00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,560
No.
240
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:02,160
Oh, what are we going to do?
241
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,440
I've got it!
242
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:11,600
Of course, a simple body swap spell.
243
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:19,480
I'll make you look like me,
and me look like you.
244
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,040
Really?
245
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,720
Yeah, really.
That way you can stay here,
246
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:28,280
I can pop out, get the stuff
that's going to make you invisible.
247
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:32,520
And I'll show you how to turn
water into shoes!
248
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,720
I'll teach you how to fly.
249
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,760
(TEMPTING) Yeah?
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
250
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,240
Yeah, that'd be good.
Yeah, so drink up.
251
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,880
Eurgh.
Cheers.
252
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,080
Bleh.
(POP!)
253
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,160
Whoa!
254
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:59,080
You ought to look
in the mirror, Brian.
255
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,040
That is weird.
(LAUGHS)
256
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:05,080
But I still sound like me,
is that a problem?
257
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:06,200
Nah!
258
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,080
So when the egg man comes,
259
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,200
just hand him the saurus egg,
job done.
260
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,440
He's alright, is he?
This egg man.
261
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,120
Yeah.
262
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:18,800
Get me that saurous egg,
and if you sell me a fake,
263
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:23,200
I'll slice the top of your head off
and dip my toast in your brain.
264
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:24,720
Lovely bloke.
265
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,680
This is incredible.
266
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:29,600
And when you get back,
you'll make me invisible
267
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:30,960
and teach me how to fly?
268
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,640
Err, see ya!
269
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,720
I'm a crazy wizard!
270
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:40,480
15, double 3, 9.
271
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,320
What's that make, Chestnut?
272
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:43,360
Eleventy four.
273
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:47,240
I win again!
(CHEERS)
274
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,600
We've got to get rid
of those fairies.
275
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:52,960
I want another go. (YELLS) Yeah!
276
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,120
Watch and learn.
277
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,720
(GRUNTS)
278
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,600
# Close your eyes
279
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,080
# Have no fear
280
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,840
# The monster's gone
281
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:14,400
# He's on the run
And your daddy's here
282
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:20,640
# Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
283
00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:24,000
# Beautiful boy. #
284
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,280
(BABY TALK)
(GURGLES)
285
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,320
Oh, hello.
Hi.
286
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,560
Who's this, then?
287
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:34,480
This...this is my son, Steg Junior.
288
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:38,760
Oh. He's got lovely paws.
289
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:39,960
Yeah.
290
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,320
It's nice you're such
a hands-on dad.
291
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,720
Well, you'd do anything
for your kids, wouldn't you?
292
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,760
In fact, I was thinking of moving
to Pockle for the schools.
293
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,240
It's nice there.
294
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:49,320
Yeah.
295
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,400
I'm a single parent.
296
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,000
Perhaps we could...
297
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,360
My husband's a warrior.
Probably not, then.
298
00:14:58,360 --> 00:14:59,880
(LAUGHTER)
299
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,560
Then I ripped his ear off!
(LAUGHTER)
300
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,320
Sorry, lads, game's over.
301
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,080
Oi, what are you doing?
302
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:11,400
You can't take that down,
I was winning by some to not many.
303
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,400
Well, I need the space.
304
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,200
I tell you what, lads,
you take the board.
305
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,480
But we like it here.
306
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,360
This is where we always play darts.
307
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,400
And there's free sherry.
308
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,640
We are going to come in here
every day
309
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,880
and we are going to play darts!
310
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,960
I just thought, you know, you might
want to give someone else a chance.
311
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:33,400
What?
Like we get to play someone else?
312
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,880
Our best player
against your best player?
313
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,600
Winner takes the pub.
314
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:37,600
You can't do that.
315
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,800
FAIRIES: Winner takes the pub,
winner takes the pub!
316
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,040
Winner takes the pub,
winner takes the pub!
317
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:47,680
Winner takes the pub,
winner takes the pub,
318
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,800
winner takes the pub,
winner takes the pub!
319
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:56,320
(GROWLING)
320
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,520
I know
this is a difficult time for you.
321
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:02,000
You're three hours old,
you're growing up.
322
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,560
There's changes happening
to your body
323
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:11,560
and you're probably experiencing
some sort of...feelings.
324
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,800
(LOVINGLY) Steg Junior...
325
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:20,120
(ANGRILY) Open this door,
you spoilt little brat, come on!
326
00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:25,320
OK, I shouldn't have said that,
sorry.
327
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:28,200
Just please let me out of here.
328
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,760
Barbara, I was about
to send you an arrow.
329
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:35,440
Oh, how exciting! What's happening?
330
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:36,640
You like darts, don't you?
331
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,000
Oh, I love a bit of darts.
332
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,960
How do you fancy playing
a game against a fairy,
333
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,960
just, you know, to keep them sweet?
334
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:46,640
Well, I don't think I'll have time
because...
335
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:47,920
Da-da-da-da-da!
336
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,680
..I've got a new customer.
337
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,240
His name's Mr Moranov,
338
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,840
and he's totally,
extremely, incredibly rich.
339
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,920
I really do need you
to play this game.
340
00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,880
Well, because I'm in such
a good mood, I will.
341
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:02,880
Brilliant, thanks, Barbara.
342
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:04,920
Have you seen Steg Junior?
Yeah, he went that way.
343
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:10,400
This came off your toilet door.
344
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,160
That reminds me of the time...
Not now, Herman.
345
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,320
(CHUCKLES)
346
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,200
Oh! Ow.
347
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,760
Yeah?
Have you seen Steg Junior?
348
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:25,240
Steg Junior?
My son, the lizard baby.
349
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,480
Well, I say baby,
they grow up so fast these days.
350
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,560
Nah, not seen him.
351
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,560
Maybe ask Brian,
not that he'd know anyway.
352
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,640
The sooner he's gone,
the better, eh?
353
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:35,920
Well, I think Brian's great.
354
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,760
Really?
Yeah.
355
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,160
He's like really funny and cool.
356
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,440
Are you feeling alright?
Yeah, I'm just saying.
357
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:45,880
I'm a fan, that's all.
358
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,040
Whatever.
359
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:49,640
Actually, while I'm here,
360
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,240
can I pick up some cream
for my ongoing issue?
361
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,040
Run out.
362
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,720
Really?
All gone.
363
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,720
Have you checked?
Yeah.
364
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,960
It's just it's started swelling up
again, is that normal?
365
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,120
That does sound pretty serious,
Steg.
366
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,480
I wouldn't be surprised
if it fell off!
367
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:07,200
Oh, Crunt!
368
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,200
Be great owning this pub.
369
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,200
Get rid of that furniture,
put in a punching machine.
370
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:19,320
One large rhubarb city chub,
please, Herman.
371
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:21,640
Heavy on the mustard.
372
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,600
Are you alright, Brian?
You sound terrible.
373
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,960
Erm, a bit of a cold.
374
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,480
(CLOCK STRIKES)
375
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,960
It's time, where's your player,
then?
376
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,080
Should be along any moment.
377
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,360
# When two tribes go to war
378
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:45,880
# A point is all that you can score
379
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,040
# Score no more, score no more
380
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,600
# When two tribes go to war
381
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:53,400
# A point is all that you can score
382
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:58,760
# We've got two tribes
383
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,280
# We got the bomb
We got the bomb, yeah!
384
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:06,120
# Yeah
385
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:08,520
# Somethin' this good died. #
386
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,480
Right, let's get started.
Hawthorn, you ready?
387
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:12,960
Certainly am.
388
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,360
Good luck, Barbara.
389
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,200
Oh, thank you, Herman.
390
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,680
Brian, aren't you
going to wish me luck?
391
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:24,480
Oh, erm, good luck, Barbara.
392
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,120
My darling!
393
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:32,560
Right, best of order.
Barbara to throw first.
394
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:33,920
Game on.
395
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,240
Well, that's what they say in darts.
Isn't it, Bri?
396
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:41,520
Probably.
397
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:50,360
7.
398
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:51,960
Whoops!
399
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,720
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
400
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:56,040
(NECK CRACKS)
401
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,600
189.
402
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,960
Yes!
403
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,160
Wow!
404
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:11,520
STEG: Steg Junior?
405
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:14,640
Junior?
406
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,200
# Out on the ocean
407
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,200
# Sailing away
408
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:26,400
# I can hardly wait... #
409
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,520
He's shed his skin.
410
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,400
He's gone.
411
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:39,800
(YELLS) Junior!
412
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,120
6.
413
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,880
(CHEERS)
Go on, Hawthorn!
414
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,280
Game shot to the fairies.
415
00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:58,360
That's good.
416
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:00,360
Hawthorn, nice one.
417
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:04,440
You are 5-0 down, what's going on?
You played great this morning.
418
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:05,600
I don't know.
419
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:09,720
One more game
and we take their pub, lads.
420
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,800
What do they mean?
421
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,320
I said the winner gets the pub.
422
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:15,840
What?!
423
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,600
Why didn't you tell me?
424
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,560
What were you thinking?!
425
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,800
Tricking me into this game!
426
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,400
189...
427
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,720
(YELLS) 189!
428
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,720
Izzy Wizzy, let's get busy.
(CHUCKLES)
429
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:43,240
Woom, woo...
430
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:44,840
Alright.
431
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,880
Good afternoon, Howell?
432
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,600
Yes, I am.
433
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,240
I've come for the inspection.
434
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:51,280
The what?
435
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,440
The five-year inspection
so you can keep your licence.
436
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,760
It is your name above the door,
isn't it?
437
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:58,760
Yeah, big time.
438
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:01,840
Just carry on, pretend I'm not here.
439
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,320
Alright.
440
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:06,720
Potions...
441
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:10,440
Oh, 'posh-eeons'...
442
00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,160
Um, uh...
443
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,120
Ah.
444
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,280
Come on, Barbara.
445
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:25,920
You dress like an old woman.
446
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,840
What?!
447
00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:30,240
How dare you?!
448
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:33,960
20.
449
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:36,880
(GRUNTS)
450
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,040
Yes!
451
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:41,280
You smell like a smelly old cat.
452
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,720
(GROWLS, GRUNTS)
Yes!
453
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:47,800
# When two tribes go to war
454
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:51,080
# Money's all that you can score... #
455
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,360
You'll never get
into the Seer's Guild.
456
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,240
You couldn't even predict
your own breakfast.
457
00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,440
(GRUNTS)
458
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:05,920
(SIGHS)
459
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:07,920
This is my son, Steg Junior.
(GURGLES)
460
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:11,920
It's nice to see
such a hands-on dad.
461
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,160
I'm a single parent.
462
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:16,840
My husband's a warrior.
463
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,400
Are you following me?
464
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,920
I was walking this way anyway.
465
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:23,720
You grubby little man!
466
00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:31,800
That all seems fine. In fact,
an improvement on last time.
467
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,280
Oh!
468
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:37,080
One final thing, I just need
to see a practical demonstration.
469
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:40,800
Of?
Magic, any basic spell.
470
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,400
Oh, erm...
471
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:46,440
Levitation.
472
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:47,880
Perfectly acceptable.
473
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,640
Perhaps you could levitate
that giant egg.
474
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:51,720
Pff, yeah!
475
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,960
Well, yeah,
with my favourite spell.
476
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,960
A bit big, innit?
477
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,200
OK...
478
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:02,880
Energy, go in through the arm...
479
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,120
Suspend...
480
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:07,760
(CRACK!)
481
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,680
Licence revoked.
482
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,120
Howell!
483
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,880
Oh, man...
484
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:19,640
Alright.
485
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:21,360
Is that my egg?
486
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,120
Erm...
487
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,720
I know you're not going to tell me
that's my egg
488
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,280
'cause that's a chicken egg,
489
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:29,800
with a cheap enlargement spell
on it.
490
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,000
(MENACINGLY) So, where's my egg?
491
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,560
It's out the back.
492
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,920
I'll just go out the back, get it.
493
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:45,440
I'll just...
494
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,760
Yeah? Cool.
495
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:51,280
Here.
496
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:54,960
(BANG, CRASH)
Ow!
497
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:57,880
(FOOTSTEPS)
498
00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:02,800
(GROWLS)
499
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:04,680
(BUZZING)
500
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,080
Come on, Hawthorn, you can do it.
Just do a double 19.
501
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:14,840
(GROANS)
502
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,400
Right, bullseye to win.
503
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:23,520
Barbara, listen to me,
504
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:26,840
you're a sad, laughable, hopeless,
505
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:31,360
flatulent, sponge-brained,
greasy-eared loser!
506
00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:33,560
(GRUNTS LOUDLY)
507
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,040
Yes!
(LAUGHS)
508
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:37,440
Well done, Barbara!
509
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,360
Stupid pub!
Springleaf, get the dart board.
510
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,600
There was a cross breeze,
and she's got longer arms!
511
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:55,080
(FLUTTERING)
512
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,840
Congratulations, Barbara.
513
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:04,120
Brian!
514
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,760
Howell...
(YELPS)
515
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:10,120
You stitched me up -
there was only one egg
516
00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:12,120
and you never taught me
the levitation spell.
517
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:13,520
I don't know
what he's talking about.
518
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:18,360
Oh, Mr Moranov,
are you here for your reading?
519
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:19,720
Howell, you're dead.
520
00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:22,600
Can I just say? I'm not Howell.
521
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:25,560
He's Howell. I'm under a spell, mate.
522
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:28,320
Which is exactly the sort of thing
that Howell would say.
523
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,160
He's Howell.
He's Howell.
524
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:31,720
He's Howell.
I'm not Howell, he's Howell.
525
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:33,040
I'm telling you, he is Howell.
526
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:34,880
Look, I haven't got time for this.
527
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:38,680
I'm Brian, Brian...
528
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,240
He doesn't even know my name!
Waiter.
529
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,240
He even sounds like Howell.
(HIGH-PITCHED) No, I don't.
530
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:45,440
Yeah, you do.
No, I don't.
531
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,280
Yeah, you do.
(GRUFFLY) No, I don't.
532
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:48,600
He does.
I don't.
533
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,400
Where's my egg?
534
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:52,320
Listen, I can prove I'm Brian.
535
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:56,640
Chips, Croydon, football.
536
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:58,720
Crouch's goal celebration.
537
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:04,520
What are you doing?
Brian doesn't dance like that.
538
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,920
He dances like this,
'cause I'm Brian.
539
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:15,640
Oh, he's gone.
540
00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:19,880
Ooph!
That was easier than I thought.
541
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:21,600
I'll change us back, shall I?
542
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,760
Wait, that was you, Howell?
543
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:29,400
Yeah!
544
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,080
Shouldn't this sting bug jar
have a lid on it?
545
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,880
(GASPS)
546
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:41,960
(WHISPERS) Everybody remain
very still and very quiet.
547
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:46,600
Their sting is deadly.
548
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:51,720
I hear their honey is amazing.
549
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:52,840
It is.
550
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:03,680
Made it worse now.
551
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,040
By the way,
552
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:10,480
I got your magical licence revoked,
sorry.
553
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,600
(SOFTLY) Crunt!
554
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,160
I can't believe you kissed my hand,
555
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:16,720
I thought it was Brian!
556
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,360
What is she talking about?
I'll tell you later.
557
00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:23,000
And you've lost me my only customer!
558
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:25,040
Uh-oh.
559
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:28,600
What do I do now?
560
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:33,800
Keep still.
561
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:40,720
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
562
00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:43,520
Magic darts.
563
00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:47,600
There's one left.
564
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:53,160
I haven't got any more darts.
565
00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:54,760
I don't want to die!
566
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:58,400
(LIZARD GRUNTS)
567
00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:59,840
What the fuck is that?
568
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,480
(BURPS)
Steg Junior!
569
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:08,640
(WARBLES)
570
00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:11,000
That's my boy!
571
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:24,840
# Last night as I slept
I dreamt I met with Behan
572
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:28,320
# I shook him by the hand
And we passed the time of day
573
00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:31,920
# When questioned on his views
On the crux of life's philosophies
574
00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:34,760
# He had but these few clear
and simple words to say
575
00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:38,280
# I'm goin', I'm going
576
00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:41,960
# Any which way
the wind may be blowing
577
00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:45,360
# I'm goin', I'm going
578
00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:49,040
# Where streams of whiskey
are flowing. #
579
00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:51,040
Captions by Red Bee Media
580
00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:53,040
Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation
36771
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