Original subtitles

So, here's to Q4 sales figures.

Well done, you!

Wasn't that hard, things have really picked up

since that temp left.

Do you remember that idiot with the cycling helmet?

Brendan something?

Brian, Brian Weaver.

I wonder what happened to him?

(SCREAMS)

Where am I? Munty.

Shut it!

(GROANS)

Somehow, I've moved into a parallel universe.

It's rare, but it does happen.

Soon, you will be standing in front of a mighty army.

That's the guy that kicked me! Charge!

What?

Help, where am I?

I'm upside down.

No, you're not, Brian.

I am.

Actually, I think you'll find I'm the one who's upside down.

(KEYS RATTLING)

Shut it!

Now, one of you weirdos kicked

the Ambassador for Flint in the shell

and we want to know who!

It caused a major diplomatic incident -

took three days to get the slime off the streets.

And they polished off Munty's entire cabbage crop.

You know what the Protector's favourite vegetable is?

Asparagus! BOTH: Cabbage!

Well, I don't know what you're talking about.

That's it, Brian, stay strong.

Yeah, don't let them know it was you.

Howell!

Right, you, start talking.

It was an accident, I thought the shell was a football.

A foot-ball?

Do you want me to hit him?

Release those two, you, wizard, and, you...

Professional soothsayer.

Get out! Well, we can't leave without Brian!

The elf stays here.

There it is, we tried.

Good luck, Brian!

And, you, my friend, are going to see the judge.

Chestnut, read him his rights.

Ahem. You have no rights.

I'm free, I'm free, ha-ha! Yes!

I can still here ya!

Sorry, mate!

It's all my fault, it was my prophesy.

I mean, Brian was standing in front of a mighty army

but they were coming to attack him, and now he's locked up.

Reminds me of the time when one of my men

was locked in a cell.

Not now, Herman! What are we going to do?

We?

Calm down, Barbara, the law will protect Brian.

It'll be fine. It will, won't it?

It'll be fine.

I know what will cheer you up, today's special!

Is it fish pie? It is.

Explains why this place smells

like the cesspit at the end of Bung Lane.

Now, here it is. Court House in session, 2pm, today.

Today?

Don't tell me you've actually got a soothsaying appointment?

No, in fact, announcement -

I'm giving up soothsaying, ta-da!

Why? I was never any good at it.

True.

So, what are you going to do?

I'm going to become a blacksmith. What?!

I've got an apprentice with Jones the Anvil.

Apparently, I've got potential.

I'm having my first training session this afternoon.

So I'll just meet you at the Court House.

I've always fancied going in to the law.

Lawyers, just a bunch of leechers and parasites,

feeding off the misery of the people.

Elitist scum, the lot of them.

Yeah, but the perks are amazing.

Food, wine, robes, all on expenses

and you get to travel everywhere on a luxury sedan chair.

Morning, Herman!

Large glass of Screaly's fighting wine, please.

Oh! And some of your fish!

Absolutely, how do you like it done?

Raw, it's for a cat. I'm not eating it, it stinks!

(LAUGHS)

You're getting a cat? How exciting!

I am offering a unique new service, Barbara,

magical cat location and retrieval!

You find missing cats?

Well, sometimes I do have to encourage the cat to get lost

hence the fish! (LAUGHS)

In fact, I do have a sneaking suspicion

that later on this evening,

dear old Mrs Henderson's moggy, Colin,

is going to go walkies. (LAUGHS)

Oh, it breaks my heart.

That cat is all she lives for!

I reckon she'll pay a good few sovs to have him found.

And you know.

(SHOUTS): Screaly's!

That's it, don't hold back!

There's a trick with horse shoes,

plenty of energy.

Yes, go on, harder, yes, harder, yes,

go on, work up a sweat!

It's hot, isn't it? Ain't it hot?

I'm fine!

Yes, you are.

OK, then, let's see what you have got.

You are a natural.

Now, I've got a special uniform

that I like all my apprentices to wear,

it will be ready for you tomorrow.

But in the meantime,

let's crank up the bellows, right?

And work up a sweat, mm, mm, mm, yeah!

(LAUGHS) Mm, mm, mm! Ha-ha!

Should get good seats.

I haven't been here since that weirdo threw up

over the statue of Olaf for bending.

That was you, wasn't it?

Yes, yes, it was.

Here we go, alright, Bri? Alright, Brian?

Brian. Shut it, you lot!

My client is now a free man! Release him!

Well done, what was he accused of?

Eating a man.

Right. Not guilty, over in five minutes.

That judge will believe anything you tell her.

Right, you're next! Come on!

Go on, Bri!

Yeah, go on, Bri!

I better file my expenses.

Bring round the sedan chair.

(FANFARE)

Oi, oi! Leave it! Let...! Leave it!

Have I missed anything?

Nah, how's the blacksmith training?

I'm a natural. I'm even getting a special uniform.

Nice, pickled beef?

Call Brian Weaver!

Get in there!

Where is your legal representation?

I don't have any!

Sorry I'm late, Your Honour!

Who are you?

Steg Stegson... Huh?

Brian Weaver's avdocate, avdocate, avdocate.

AD-vocate! Avdocate.

Steg. Huh?

What are you doing? You are not a lawyer.

No, it's all instinct.

Prosecution, state the case!

He did it.

Excellent, and the defence?

(CLICKS FINGERS) Ah! Ah.

People of the court!

That's my wine.

Oh, sorry.

As I was saying,

my client has been charged with assaulting

the ambassador for Flint.

This is what I think of those charges.

Defiling the charge sheet is a criminal offence.

Yes, yes, yes, it is, yes. I just...

(ROBE TEARS)

Damage of court robes is also a criminal offence.

Yes, yes, fine. Thank you.

You see before you, a man,

an innocent man, a guileless fool. Steady on!

A man no more sophisticated than a farmer from Struth.

My husband is a farmer from Struth.

I didn't mean to say that your husband was stupid.

I mean, he might be, but he's not,

but if he was, not to say that he isn't, but, anyway...

Steg!

Um, what I'm trying to say is that, um, secondly...

Do you have anything else to say?

Um, if I finish now, do I still get the free dinner?

No. No, oh, thank you.

Secondly, um, thirdly,

who is really on trial here, is it this man?

Or is it justice itself?

(CLAPS)

I have heard enough!

Yes.

It's almost as if the advocate had no legal training whatsoever.

Oh, thank you.

I hereby find the defendant...

..guilty!

(GASPS)

You are sentenced to 12 months' hard labour

in the gas mines of Brevitt.

Thanks, Steg, I'll see you in 12 months.

Or 10 minutes in combat with Radnok.

Here's your chance, bro, 10 minutes with that old goat.

I can't fight.

Look at him, he can barely hold the spear up.

I don't know.

Oh, come on, it's only 10 minutes.

You can run around for 10 minutes.

PUBLIC: Fight Radnok! Gas mines!

Take the gas mines!

Fight him in the gas mines!

Make your decision!

I choose to face Radnok in combat.

(CHEERS)

Call Radnok!

(GROWLS)

That will be Radnok, then!

Wait a minute, hang on, whoa, wait a minute!

I don't want to die! I don't want to fight Radnok!

Afternoon, I'm Kevlar, and you are?

Brian. (SNIFFS)

Yeah, I think I'm just going to go over there.

Oh, good idea, we'll come with you.

We?

Yeah, my family, there's me, my brother, my wife,

my ex-wife, that's awkward.

Hello, everyone!

Elf, you're allowed one message by arrow,

what do you want to say?

Well, what sort of thing?

Whatever you want, but no sexy stuff.

OK, um, please help, I'm from another universe!

Oh, that's good.

"From another universe."

I'm in terrible danger. Brian Weaver, Munty.

"Brian Weaver, Munty."

Right, who is it going to? I don't know.

Who's the most important person here?

Me.

Someone outside of the prison.

Protector?

Well, isn't he the one who had me locked up?

Yeah. Isn't there some sort of organisation

that helps innocent people that are in trouble?

Oh, I'll ask my wife.

She is good at these sort of things.

Would you believe it? She's in the bath.

Hurry up!

I need it to go to somebody important who can help me.

I'll just put that then, "Important who can help me."

Right and that will work, will it?

I doubt it. Well, probably don't...

Off it goes. Hang on!

Relax, Brian, you've got nothing to worry about.

Yeah, why's that?

You'll be dead in a few hours!

This is just absolutely, totally awful.

I know! That luxury Sudan chair was mine for the taking.

It really does remind me of the time one of my men was trapped...

Not now, Herman.

An arrow, it's from Brian!

Steg.

Robe repair bill, nah, it's nothing. I'll put it on expenses.

It's from Brian!

Howell.

Ha! Old Mrs Henderson has lost her cat,

ain't that right, Colin?

I'm in business, Herman.

One large purple slurple, please, heavy on the cheese.

There must be something we can do to help Brian.

Don't worry, Barbara.

I'm confident that this time tomorrow,

Brian will be a free man,

and I will be Munty's most famous avdocate, avdocate.

Anons.

I think we need a backup plan.

That's four sovs, plus one for the cheese.

Ah, I've...

I'll get this. Oh, that's very kind.

Now, Howell, what's the backup plan?

Advocate Steg Stegson - I'll be taking the chair now.

Won a case, have ya? Well...

Get away from the Sudan chair!

Now!

Barbara!

Oh, Brian, it's so good to see you!

Who's this?

Oh, Kevlar, just ignore me. And my brother and my wife

and my ex-wife - don't get me started.

and my Aunty Susan, who's visiting from Pockle.

Can't get rid of her! A nightmare!

Yeah, do you think you could just give us some space?

Oh absolutely, actually, there's a bit of a row kicking off upstairs.

Oh! That was a vase! I'd better go and calm things down.

Anyway, Barbara, thanks for coming,

I've been thinking about you all day.

Oh!

Can you do me a reading,

I need to know what's going to happen to me.

Actually, I don't do soothsaying any more.

I've retrained as a blacksmith.

I get it - a blacksmith.

So you just happen to be carrying a chisel...

..for work? No.

A file? Well...

A lock pick? Crowbar, plyers?

What was the one before plyers?

A crowbar. No.

So, you've brought nothing?

I have brought something.

Thank God.

Sorry, I'm just, I'm a bit jumpy. What is it?

A cake!

Oh, I see! Brilliant.

What's inside the cake?

Jam.

Right, Oh, God.

I'm going to die, Barbara!

Brian, don't worry, Howell has got a plan.

I just need...

Ow! What was that for?

Oh, it is just something to remember you by.

At midnight, Howell will use this hair

to cast a simple summoning spell

that will instantly transport you from here to the pub.

It's totally foolproof.

Oh, thank you.

Right, that's enough, you get out!

I've got the hair. Now, remember...

Midnight.

Cake?

I would, Brian, but it's the wife - she's on a diet.

Hurry up, Howell, it's nearly midnight!

Brain's hair, pop it on there.

Stand back, Barbara.

Whose hair here?

Oh, Barbara!

Oh, crunt! I must have given you the wrong hair!

It's this one!

Yes! Midnight!

Keep it down, Brian, my wife's got a migraine.

It's alright.

My mate's a wizard. He's summoning me out of here.

Chestnut, he's trying to escape!

What? What are you doing?

He said you were so stupid, you wouldn't notice.

Did he?

Why'd you do that?

That's what happens when you flirt with my wife.

There you go.

Whose hair here?

Barbara!

Is that my special uniform?

Oh, yeah, yeah, it's nearly finished.

I've just got to finish tightening the end nipple screws.

Ha! I'll see you in the morning!

See ya!

I quit!

Oh, look there it is! Ha! I had it on me all the time!

Look, Peanut! Peanut?!

Walnut, whatever!

You've had it, I'm coming in there and I'm going to mash your face in.

No, no, I didn't mean you. I meant someone else!

Oh, come on, Howell, summon!

(BELL CHIMES)

He's over there! Away!

Thanks.

So, third time lucky.

Whose hair...

..here?

Colin, Colin, come here, boy! Colin!

Look, is there anything I can say to stop you from hurting me?

Peanut.

Poor Brian, I feel so helpless.

You know this really does remind me of a time when...

As I was saying...

Oh, yeah, one time, I rescued a mate from a prison cell.

We lured away the guards with a pie

and smashed our way in with a hammer.

Yep! That's the story.

Well, that's how we rescue Brian!

All we need is a delicious pie and a heavy hammer.

Colin, fishy-fishy, Colin. Colin, I've got some fish for you!

Oh, thanks very much!

Is your name Colin?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Fair enough!

What took you so long?

This, it's heavy!

Right, first thing, get rid of the fairies.

Hey! Do you want a pie?

Oh, thanks very much!

I just held him till he couldn't breathe!

Something smells good.

That should buy us a few minutes.

(SIGHS)

Hurry up!

10, nine...

We haven't got time, Barbara, just start at five.

Sorry. Five, four...

Quicker! Get to three! Three, two...

Look out! The fairies are coming back!

(ROARS)

(CRASH!)

Brian, run!

That was a close one!

Who are you?

Oh, Kevlar.

Where's Brian?

They moved him to the hospital wing.

Oh, no!

Don't worry, he will be fine for the fight tomorrow.

Anyway, thanks so much for getting us all out.

Oh, no! I left Aunty Susan behind!

Oh! (ROOSTER CROWS)

Bring forward the accused!

(CROWD SHOUTS)

Bit much, ain't it?

Your Honour, I would like to issue an appeal.

Appeal denied. What?

The appeal has been denied.

You can no longer claim expenses or legal privileges.

You are dismissed.

Well, you haven't heard the last of me.

Choose your weapon!

Good choice!

Radnok!

(CROWD CHEERS)

I didn't know you could pick more than one.

Can I pick another one?

No, prepare for battle!

I'm not ready.

Use your speed, Brian! Watch out for all the weapons.

Let the combat...

Wait!

Oh! There is an extra penalty

for insulting your prison guard.

Tricky.

BARBARA: They can't do that!

JUDGE: Let the combat...

No! Wait!

There is a further penalty

for your involvement in a break out

resulting in damage to prison brickwork.

What?!

Sword up or down?

Up?

Ready? No!

You can still take him, Bri!

No, he can't.

Let combat begin!

He dropped his sword! Ha-ha! That's not funny!

(SHOUTING)

Go on, Brian!

Only another nine and three-quarter minutes!

It's Mrs Henderson's cat!

Colin, Colin, Colin.

Come here, boy. Come here!

(CAT SCREECHES)

Colin!

(GROWLING)

Who's that?

That's Mrs Henderson.

(SLASHING)

(CROWD GROANS)

Radnok is dead, which means, by law, the defendant is freed.

Springleaf! Release him!

(CHEERING)

Under the circumstances, shall we say half the fee?

(GROWLS)

It's on the house.

We won, Brian, Brian!

Well done, Stegson, here are your expenses.

Yes! Thank you!

And now for the perks. Bring on the golden Sudan chair!

(TRUMPET FANFARE)

Yes!

Many congratulations. Thank you.

Is that paint on your hands?

(COINS JINGLE)

(SIGHS)

Oh, you're a natural, Clarise.

I do have a special uniform

that I like my apprentices to wear.

I say, it's very hot in here, isn't it?

Why don't you, pop, pop, pop, lose a few buttons?

Oi, blacksmith, this your hammer?

Where did you find that?

Exactly where you left it, outside the prison.

You're in very big trouble. (CRASH)

Ow! Oops.

Ah, you know what?

It's good to be back...

..home.

Yeah, home!

Absolutely, who wants a fish pie?

Oh, Brian, there is the small matter of the cost

of the summoning spell

plus the subsequent loss of my cat retrieval business.

And if you could settle the robe repair bill,

that's just legal stuff,

although I'm probably going to take a step back from that

and fight against the system, yeah.

Yeah, nothing to do with the fact that you can't say advocate then?

Course not, I can.

Avdocate.

Actually, everyone, little announcement.

I've decided to go back into soothsaying!

I just think it's more me.

Now, shall I do you a reading?

Go on, then, what's next for me?

That's odd, it's the lightening fork.

Well, suppose something terrible is going to happen to me.

(HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Scrape! Sir.

I want you to go to Munty, find a man and bring him to me.

Who is this man?

His name is Breenan Wifter.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation