All language subtitles for The.Twilight.Zone.S04E18.the.bard_e

You unlock this door
with the key of imagination.

Beyond it is another dimension-

a dimension of sound,

a dimension of sight,

a dimension of mind.

You're moving into a land
of both shadow and substance,

of things and ideas.

You've just crossed over
into the twilight zone.

Now, here is this prizefighter

who made this vow to this girl.

Now get this,
mr. Hugo, get this,

if this one ain't surefire,
i'll cut off both my hands.

I'll absolutely
cut off both my hands.

You ready?
Are you ready?

"Champeen of the world,"
kirk douglas, maybe.

Burt lancaster.

You want to make
him younger?

Tony curtis.

I give you tony curtis.

I appreciate it.

So now he's
champion of the world

but he's made a promise to
this girl never to fight again.

You know, like a vow.

Vow, mr. Hugo.
It's like a promise.

I mean, like solemn.

And now, mr. Hugo,
comes the meat.

This is what grabs you
right here.

He's got to fight,
but he promised his girl.

And when he tells her,
she's aghast.

This broad is palpitating.

She calls the champeen
a filthy, rotten, dirty...

she's adamant,
is that what you mean?

Oh, is this girl adamant.

She's adamant like
nobody ever was adamant.

Mr. Hugo?

You're wanted
on line one.

Bless you.

Excuse me,
julius.

See, the beauty of this story

is you can couch it
in so many terms.

Maybe he ain't
a prizefighter.

Maybe he's a cowboy,
a top gun,

and he promised his girl
never to carry a gun again.

Maybe it's
the girl's kid brother

who has
this incurable disease.

What's the matter?

That don't grip?

Why don't you
go downstairs

and cross the street
against a red light?

Bye.

Say, how about if it was
a science fiction piece?

This rocket man makes
a promise to his girl

never to go up in
a spaceship again.

You've been
here all morning.

I'll give you this.

I've been an agent for 23 years
and i have never heard

of so many variations
of the same story.

Would you mind
going home?

I've got a big deal cooking,
it's very complicated.

A big deal!

You, you, you mean
actually like a big deal?

Oh, you doll baby.

You absolute doll baby.

You were saving it

for a surprise,
weren't you?

That's what you were doing,
saving it for a surprise.

Bet you made a sale,
right, mr. Hugo?

You made a sale.

Ah, the zombie story!

I should have known it.

The minute i wrote it,
i knew it was surefire.

Absolute surefire.

It's a fantastic yarn, honey.

It's about this dame
who marries a guy

who walks on his heels
all the time.

She thinks he's punchy,
but it turns out he's dead.

All the time they're married,
she don't know he's dead.

Julius, let me put
it to you this way:

The zombie story
didn't sell.

The love story

where the lady scientist
falls in love with a robot?

That didn't sell.

Your western
where the president

of the union
pacific railroad

turns out
to be belle starr?

That didn't sell.

Your idea of changing
the millionaire

into
the multimillionaire

and making an
hour show of it?

This they laughed me right
out of the office with.

So i have to put it
up to you.

I really simply have
to put it up to you.

Why in the world
do you persist?

Can you answer me?

Why do you persist?

Why don't you go back
to doing what you did before?

A streetcar
conductor?

Mr. Hugo, it's
like progress.

There ain't no
more streetcars.

Besides, i get
travel sickness.

Let me put it
to you this way:

Number one, you will
never make a writer.

Number two, you'll
starve to death if you try.

And number three,
you're wasting your time,

my time, producers' time,
everybody's time.

Phone jerry bauscher
at paramount.

See when he's
through there.

Tell him i've got
a television series.

But that's my meat,
a television series.

Mr. Hugo, don't you get it?

It's like a bolt from heaven.

I got so many
television series ideas

i don't
sleep nights.

I got television
series ideas

what nobody never thought of.

Boy meets girl.

Every week, a
different boy and girl.

Julius...

how about a quiz show?

"Pick your own embalmer."

We make a deal with
the contestant that
when he kicks off...

julius,
what do i have to do,

what do i have to say
to get you out of here?

Give me a chance.

Give me first
dibs at this, uh,

this-this television series
thing or whatever it is.

Let me do the pilot, please.

Julius,
my boy, sit down.

Julius, i'm not a hard man.

I'm not a mean man.

But the television industry is
looking for talent, for quality.

They're preoccupied
with talent and quality.

And the writer
is a major commodity.

Let me give it a try.

Let me give it a whirl.

I mean, let me walk it
around the block

a couple of times.

What about this series?

Maybe it's
right up my alley.

Maybe it and me
can go together.

Well, that's the point.

You see, this particular
series and you go together

like the black and tan at an
irish republican army picnic.

The series happens
to be about black magic,

conjuring,
that kind of thing.

Now...

what do you know
about black magic?

Oh, ho... oh, ho,
ho, ho, ho, ho.

What do i know about it?

What do i know about
black magic and conjuring?

Oh, come on.

I could research it.

Julius, would you leave me now?

Please.

Will you let me
get back to my work?

Oh, let me have a try
at this series, please.

Why can't i research it?

Look, mr. Hugo, mr. Hugo,
my career is on the line.

Give me till
next wednesday.

Make it tuesday?

Look, look, in a pinch,

i'll have something
for you by monday.

All right,
all right, julius.

Latch on to a couple of books,
knock out a rough draft,

and let me have it
by 4:00 monday.

I'll submit it for you.

Why, i'll never know,
but i'll submit it for you.

Oh, mr. Hugo, you
won't live to regret it.

And i mean it from the
cockles of my heart.

You're probably
dead right, julius.

And i mean it from
the cockles of my heart.

Oh...

thank you, thank you.

You've just
witnessed opportunity,

if not knocking, at least
scratching plaintively

on a closed door.

Mr. Julius moomer,
a would-be writer,

who, if talent came
25 cents a pound,

would be worth
less than carfare.

But in a moment, mr. Moomer,

through the offices
of some black magic,

is about to embark
on a brand-new career.

And although he may never
get a writing credit

onthe twilight zone,

he's to become
an integral character in it.

...a slider
that broke outside, one and one.

Now tom hallek jogs out
to the mound to talk to sanford.

That might've
been a missed signal there.

Hallek seemed to be looking
for the fastball.

The one and one pitch.

Ciccone swings and lifts an
easy fly ball to center field.

Willie mays in
and makes the basket catch.

That brings up gil hodges,
one down, bottom of the sixth.

What do you think
about him?

Who?

Gil hodges.

Can you explain how anybody
in their right mind

could get rid of gil hodges?

Well, i, i suppose...

suppose that's all
in the point of view.

Precisely.

Absolutely.

You've got a good mind,
young man.

Extremely good mind.

Th-thank you.

It's the top of the sixth,

the giants are leading
the mets, six to two.

Excuse me a minute.

He's out.

Who?

Gil hodges.

Now, uh, what
will it be for you?

Well, um...

um...

i'd like to see a keat.

That's a man's name,
not a thing.

And it's not a very
uncommon name at that, keats.

There was a third baseman,
came up from newark

played for the yankees one year.

They used to call him
beanball keats.

Held the american league record
two seasons in a row

for getting beaned
the most times.

Old beanball keats.

Well, you learn something
new every day, don't you?

Did you ever hear
of a pitcher named slattery?

String bean slattery?

Well, i, uh...

there was a
beanball artist.

Um, he could hit a batter
when he was still in the dugout.

As a matter of fact,
he did one day.

Hit a third base coach.

Now, where were we?

Well, i, i don't think

it makes too
much difference.

You see, what i came
in to ask about, uh...

well, i wanted
to know if, uh...

well, what i have
on my mind is, uh...

what do you got
on black magic?

Black magic?

I'm julius moomer
from television.

Now, what is it
you wanted?

Black magic.

Books on black magic.

Oh, i'm afraid not.

I'm afraid
that one eludes me.

Ye book of ye black art.

Hey, lady,

do that trick again.

This book and i have
never been introduced.

We're total strangers.

Here, you want black magic?

You got black magic.

It's been a real
pleasure meeting you.

A real pleasure.

You didn't play third base

for the elmira pioneers,
did you?

How much do i owe
you for the book?

Oh, nothing, nothing,
accept it as a gift.

You're a wonderful ball player
and a credit to the sport.

It's been wonderful
having this chat.

Va-va-voom.

Za-za-zoom.

Va-va-voom.

Ipsy-dipsy.

Va-va-voom.

All right, buddy.

This is public transportation,

and there's rules
about bugging the driver.

Who, me?

You! Out!

Ara-gatum...

basilitant-ee...

roga-bottom-um...

nordoff.

Hey, julius, what's the bit?

What are you doing?

Ah, whatever i was doing,

i wasn't doing it right.

Black magic,
black schmagic.

There's more here
than meets the eyeballs.

I done everything it says
and nothing.

Ye book of ye black art.

"Being a step-by-step education
in conjuring."

So tell me, faust, to what end?

Cora, i am standing
on the threshold.

L-i mean,
i'm hovering.

One of these days

there's going to be a big
limousine parked down below

with two lizardy coachmen-

liveried.

That's what i mean.

In uniform.

And they're gonna
rap on your door

and invite you and
your old lady downstairs

for a night on the town
with their boss

that eminent,
well-known, highly popular

beloved wurlitzer prize-winner-

pulitzer.

That's the guy.

And who you going
to find on the back seat

smoking a buck cigar? Hmm?

Modesty prohibits.

Just as a point
of interest, julius,

what are you doing?

Don't you dig?

I'm conjuring,
baby, i'm conjuring.

Conjuring who?

Who knows? I just
read this here book

and i got me
all the ingredients

or most of them, anyway.

Man.

"Four tufts of feathers
from a falcon"-

i got 'em from a pigeon.

Uh..."sand from egypt"-

i still had some in my
sneakers from jones beach.

"Three legs of a spider"-

i found me an ant.

Well, anyway, that
with a few improvisations

i got me a spell working here.

When my mother finds out
what you're doing,

you better conjure up
the army and the navy.

You're gonna need them.

Anyone ever tell you
you were a dirty rotten kid?

Why don't you
take a cold shower?

Go ahead, get out of here.

I'll turn you into a frog!

Oh, i don't know exactly
what's going to happen

but it better happen soon.

Za-za-zoom.

Ala-kazam.

Va-va-voom!

Ah, what's the use?

Oh.

Oh, man.

What do they think i am,
william shakespeare?

Now, look, pal.

I, uh, i
don't want you

to take this
personal, but, uh,

like a guy
should maybe knock

when he comes
into a room, huh?

I mean, uh, some people
ain't as with-it as me.

They take one look
at you and they get a
blast of a coronary.

They get all shook up.

Now, me, i can
handle these things.

I mean, i'm with it.

Give me a stick,
i'll beat it to death.

I await your pleasure.

Look, look, what do you
want from me already?

Prithee, good sir, ask
not what i want of thee

but what does thou ask
of william shakespeare.

Would you try that one again?

It appears i must speak

in the parlance of the time-
your time.

I simply said, good sir,
it was you who conjured up me,

and i'm at your service.

What would you
ask of me?

Look...

level with me,
pops, will you?

You mean to say that
you'retheshakespeare?

Man, you've been dead
a thousand years.

It is true, of course.

But death is relative
and need not be the end.

You required
a service of me.

Hence, i am
at your disposal.

"He speaks, yet
he says nothing."

Romeo and juliet,
act two, scene two.

Quaint.

Decidedly quaint.

A writing machine, perchance?

I presume that is the mission.

You would ask me to compose a
sonnet, perchance, or a play?

You have but
to ask, mister...

moomer, is it?

You...

you mean...

you mean you could knock
me out a couple of pieces?

Good sir,
you have but to ask.

What nature of authorship
would you require?

Well, um...

how about if, uh...

how about if...

i'm going to waste
william shakespeare

on a lousy half-hour pilot?

I got me an idea, will.

You don't mind if i
call you will, do you?

"What's in a name?

"That which we call a rose
by any other name

would smell as sweet."

Oh, man,
what language.

Don't let nobody
knock your stuff, will.

Man, you got potential.

You are loaded
with potential.

Here's what
we're going to do.

You and me are
going to collaborate.

What i mean is,
you do the rough draft

and i'll do the polishing.

Now, i'll tell you what.

We'll go slow at first, just
till you get the feel of it,

and then, we'll
do an hour film.

Something with,
um, star attraction.

You know, like, uh...

ingrid bergman.

Ingrid bergman?

You never heard
of ingrid bergman?

Where you been, pal?

Never mind,
don't tell me.

"A comely woman, i take it,
one fairer than my love.

"The all-seeing sun
ne'er saw her match

since first the world begun."

Solid, will, now
that's the kind of stuff

that's going
to win ball games.

You just start writing,

anything that
comes to mind.

Uh, maybe a twist on
the romeo-juliet thing.

Oh, swear not by the moon,

that crazy moon.

Go ahead, bubbee, write.

If you don't mind.

Mind? Will, baby,
i don't care if you
write with your feet.

Here, here, i'll move
the typewriter for you.

Give you some ink.

There we are.

Go ahead, will, you create.

I'll go make some coffee.

Gilbert and sullivan.

Lerner and loewe.

Rimsky and korsakov.

Moomer and shakespeare.

What are they saying?

I just asked you a question.

What are they talking about?

What do i look like,
a radar set?

I presume they're
talking about your script.

Well, that's the point, honey,
what's there to talk about?

That stuff is poetry,
it's, well, uh, it's...

it's shakespearean!

Good afternoon.

Is mr. Bramhoff
in there with mr. Hugo?

We're from the network.

Oh, they're expecting you,
sir, go right in.

Yes?

Something?

You got a light?

No, i don't got a light.

Look, it just so happens
that you don't know

who you're
talking to.

Bramhoff,
the big-shot producer?

Two guys
from the network?

Oh, man,
i knew it was good,

but i didn't know
it was that good.

It's just something
i knocked off

in a couple of hours.

It's a shoo-in
for the emmy,

but i didn't know it
was that important.

That's me, honey, i just
don't know my own worth.

Monday, i knock myself,
tuesday, i knock myself,

wednesday, i
knock myself...

have you got any outside
openings for thursday?

I'd like to make
an application.

I don't know.

That's our feeling
too, mr. Bramhoff.

Sponsor-wise, the thing
requires some noodling.

That is to say, we can't
abruptly and perfunctorily

jump off the bridge
with this one.

I mean, let's
be cerebral, boys.

Well, i'll say
this for it.

It's a beautifully
written thing.

It's so archaic.

I mean, language-wise.

May i?

"As fresh as a bridegroom,
and his chin, new-reaped

"showed like a stubble
land at harvest home.

"He was perfumed
like a milliner

"and 'twixt his
finger and his thumb

"he held a pouncet box

and ever anon,
gave it to his nose."

And, uh,
"took't away again."

Well, you've got say
it has imagery.

Imagery it has.

May i?

Oh, please.

"And if the boy have
not a woman's gift

"to rain a shower
of commanded tears

an onion will do well
for such a shift."

Onion?

Sponsor conflict.

Concur.

Could we make it a...

turnip?

Solid thinking.

Turnip.

Very sociable.

Everybody knows
about turnips.

You say turnip to
the lady in dubuque

she's with you.

I like it.

We could call
the writer in now.

A tremendous talent.

A prodigy of mine.

What are his credits?

He was a streetcar conductor.

But a tremendous
observer

of the passing scene.

An incredible judge
of human beings.

You can see that in every line.

A modern-day chronicler
of human foibles.

Solid.

Oh, excuse me.

Send in mr. Moo...

how are you, mr. Hugo?

Wonderful.
How are you?

You look fine.
It's good
to see you.

How are you,
gentlemen?

Huh? Huh?

Like literature, huh?

It shows some promise.

Mr. Dolan here
represents

the sponsor of
shannon spectaculars.

The shannon food
corporation.

You've no doubt
eaten their products.

Endlessly.

He's a shannon
booster from way back.

Man, like that's the truth.

That shannon onion soup-
this i dig.

We don't make onion soup.

That's french in origin.

We're an american firm.

Red, white and blue
right down the line.

Man, i am glad you said that.

I always say, if it's good
enough for the lady in dubuque

it's good enough for julius.

Well, let's get down
to some business here.

The tragic cycle.

Written by...
julius moomer.

Yours truly.

Read for you now by...

yours truly.

"Act one, scene one.

The camera fades on
with a shot of a garden."

Twilight zonewill continue
after station identification.

Well, the whole thing
about writing,

the whole bit
is simply that you, uh,

shouldn't get discouraged.

You gotta stay in there
and keep punching.

All the time punching.

As keats once said
to the paris edition

of thenew york herald tribune,
keats said,

"keep punching."

Ladies and gentlemen,
this iscelebrity interviews.

Our guest tonight,
mr. Julius moomer,

that rising
young television author

whose drama production
the tragic cycle

will be seen next week on
theshannon classic playhouse.

Now, a viewing reminder.

Each week
oncelebrity interviews

we bring you the personalities
of show business

who make the headlines
and the stories.

Playwrights, actors, actresses-

all the living legends
of show business as it is today.

How about that, will?

Verily, a most
impressive performance.

Ain't that the truth?

This last question,
now, mr. Moomer.

I'm told that
you've been writing

for some period of time.

As a matter of fact,

i think it was
your agent, mr. Hugo,

who showed me some of
your earlier material.

You've come a
long way, mr. Moomer.

Well... it's like progress.

For example, one of the things
i looked at was a zombie story.

Now, how about that?

That grabbed, didn't it?

Of course, it was
a bit controversial,

and that's why
it didn't get on the air,

but i always did try
to tackle controversial stuff.

I mean, ugly butchers
and dog dames,

that's all right for chayefsky,
but moomer aspires.

What i mean is,
moomer always thought tall.

There was another
story you wrote, mr. Moomer.

I seem to recollect

that it was a
suggested series.

A kind of
situation comedy

involving a
multimillionaire.

Just plain j.p.

The whole thing there was

we're always seeing stuff

about typical husbands
and wives and kids.

Well, why not give a nod
to the-the big shots?

I mean, what they call
the "rubber barons," like that?

I mean,
just because you're heeled

that don't make you unhuman.

Hmm... i may try
to reconstitute that one.

Just plain j.p. -

the story that asks the question

"can a man
who makes $9 million a year

find happiness
in a small mansion?"

But you got to remember
one thing.

In order to be a writer,
you got to suffer.

I mean,
i still remember those...

those cold nights
in that dark attic

with hardly enough strength
to push a key.

And all the time, a small
voice inside me kept saying,

"go, julius, go."

So i went.

Inspiring, mr. Moomer,
truly inspiring.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you've been listening
to mr. Julius moomer.

That kind of got me.

Like here.

I, too, felt a twinge of a sort.

I believe i finished this
last sequence, mr. Moomer.

Oh, good, good, good.

Ah, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Oh, will, bubbee,

you got such a
thing with words.

It comes from working
in an attic, mr. Moomer.

A little voice
deep inside prods me

and keeps saying,
"go, william, go."

Hmm? Oh?

Oh, great, great,
only great.

The shannon food
corporation presents...

the tragic cycle,
written by julius moomer.

From an original story
by julius moomer

with additional dialogue
by... julius moomer.

Man.

It's a good thing
i'm modest, will.

You know, a thing like this
could go to a guy's head.

They're already talking
to me about 2�-hour specs,

movie contracts,
maybe a broadway musical.

? a scub-a-dub-a doo?

? i love you?

? put me on the stage,
i'll be a rage?

? scub-a-dub-a doo,
a scub-a-dub-a doo?

? julius moomer
will play for you?

? racky sack, i'm flush.?

What's the matter, will?
You don't look good.

"Like a strutting player

whose conceit
lies in his hamstring."

Troilus and cressida,
act one, scene three.

In short, mr. Moomer,

you have not been prone
to extend credit where it's due.

At no time, for example,

have i heard
the name shakespeare,

or, for that matter,

any suggestion
of collaboration on our play.

Now wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Will, baby, look,
we got to play this one by ear.

I mean, how's it going to look
if i go and tell them

that a guy
named william shakespeare

helped me to write this?

Why, they'd stick me
in a rubber room in a jacket.

That as it may be, the
point is, mr. Moomer,

i finished my task.

I will now take my leave.

Take your leave?!

Are you out of your mind?

Why, this whole thing's
coming up velvet!

We're riding
on the gravy train.

You want to creep back into
some crypt and get forgotten?

Listen, man,
you're making the scene big now.

Everybody's always talking

about how my stuff
sounds like shakespeare's.

Will, bubbee, i'm gonna make you
a household word again.

With all due modesty, sir,

the name of william shakespeare
has survived the test of time

without the support
of julius moomer.

You don't dig.

Fame flits.

I mean, who remembers
yesterday's champeens?

Sure, ruth hit 60 home runs,

but it's roger maris they're
always asking for autographs.

And nijinsky
was a pretty good dancer.

But who remembers
her last movie?

And will shakespeare
did some writing

but out of sight,
out of mind.

Shakespeare is dead,
long live mickey spillane!

Look, look, will, baby,

will, baby, come here.

Look, you can't
desert the ship now.

I mean, what are
people going to say?

That fink shakespeare
got no gratitude.

We can do it, baby,
we can do it.

Look, we got a hundred
projects we can do.

We'll go to hollywood,
california.

Babes out there are crazy
about guys with beards.

I shall ponder it,
mr. Moomer.

Until when?

Until the morrow.

Since you have not seen fit

to invite me to the
rehearsals of our play,

tomorrow i shall
do precisely that.

I shall survey the
actors performing,

and if justice is done
to what i have wrought

perhaps i may remain
for a time longer

and write other things.

Now you're talking,
will!

Now you're talking!

I think i will
take a walk now.

"I am that merry
wanderer of the night."

A midsummer night's dream,
act two, scene one.

"To be, or not to be,"

mr. Moomer, "that..."

go to the rehearsal?

How could he
go to the rehearsal?

Will! Will!

Will, don't rock the boat!

All right, everybody.

Give me your
attention, please.

Cast, we can walk through
this one with scripts,

but i'd count it
a personal favor

if we could
get these lines learned

by thursday at the latest.

I hate to throw
complicated stage action

at you now at this point,

but you'll note
that in this act,

we've got a real problem
of movement.

I want to take most
of this stuff in close shots

and some very rapid, sporadic
cutting back and forth.

I think it'll heighten
the piece tremendously.

Mr. Shannon, we feel ourselves
extremely fortunate

to secure the services
of rocky rhodes.

Rhodes, schmodes.

I sell soup.

I don't nothing
about actors.

Which one is rhodes?

He's the attractive one
in the sweatshirt.

That's an actor?

Well, he was brilliant
instreetcar named desire.

Streetcar named desire?

What was he,
a conductor?

All right, people,
we'll pick it up now.

Scene two, act two.

Uh, felicia...

now, remember, felicia,
at this moment

life and death
is waiting for you

out in that hallway.

This is unequivocal.

It is life
or it is death.

When rocky comes
through that door...

uh...

charlie...

uh...

question.

Okay, question,
rocky?

Yeah, i mean,

what is my, uh,
tertiary motivation here?

I mean, like, i walk
through the door and, uh...

i see her.

Why?

Why what, rocky?

What's the question?

Exactly.

What is the question?

I mean, any slob
can walk through a door.

Like, i do it every day.

But, well, now

maybe i shouldn't walk
through the door

at that moment.

So i got
to ask myself:

Would i walk
through that door?

It's on the basis of that answer
that i find my motivation.

So the question is

what's my motivation?

Well, rocky, baby,

why don't we just
run through it

and see how it plays,
shall we do that?

All right, folks,
let's take our places now.

Scene two of act two.

Right from the top.

Mmm, mmm.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

All right, let's go.

I don't care
what you say.

If jeremy
comes here tonight

i have to
go away with him.

Oh, come, olivia.

Cast out those benighted colors

and-and gaze as a friend
on greenwich village.

Let not forever
with your veiled eyes

seek your noble boyfriend
in the dust.

It is common, i know.

But all that live must die.

It's easy for
you to say.

Quite easy.

But outside there,

outside this room,

outside this building

is the harbinger of
the worst of fates.

Is it jeremy?

Or is it his killer?

Am i to be a
correspondent of love...

or a recipient of hate?

This is the question.

Who awaits me
out there?

I ask you that.

Who awaits me?

I'm looking for mr. Moomer.

Moomer?

Julius moomer.

Oh, yeah, the writer.

He's sitting over there
with a bunch of guys.

Thank you so much.

And your role?

My role is,
uh... jeremy.

What's yours?

Jeremy.

But jeremy is a lad of 19,
fresh as a bridegroom.

And his chin,
new-reaped

showed like a stubble land
at harvest home.

Yeah, well, we changed all that.

I mean, a guy that feels love
ain't no 19 years old.

The guy who plays jeremy has got
to know what it's all about.

A mature guy, uh...
who knows the score.

A guy with some 'zazz,
with some moxie.

A guy who understands, uh,
tertiary motivation.

Let's go, team,
shall we?

May we continue, please?

Get ready for your cue, rocky?

Rhodes is my name.

Rocky rhodes.

You probably saw me
incat on a hot tin roof.

Cat on a hot tin roof?

And what, perchance,
would that be?

It would be a play, charlie.

A real play.

What are you,
a tennessee knocker?

Rocky, let's go!

It's getting so
they let any uncultured

uncouth ham in here.

Go ahead, seymour.

Speak the speech,
i pray you

as i pronounced it to you
trippingly on the tongue.

Shall i say it
again, esmeralda?

How's it look to
you, mr. Shannon?

Only great, isn't it?

The play?

Who knows
about plays?

What about the commercial,
where does that come in?

R-right after the opening
teaser, mr. Shannon.

Are they lighting
the soup?

That comes in the
first commercial, mr. Shannon.

I know when it comes in.

I want to make sure
they light the label!

When the soup is shannon's

i want 40 million people
should know it's shannon's.

Well, what is it?

What's he dressed up for?

U-uh, that?

T-that's my typist.

One of your staff,
moomer, is he?

Well, actually, he's a relative.

Cousin on my mother's side.

He's a little eccentric.

Eccentric?

Well, he has, like,

you know, delusions.

One week they come,
one week they go.

What about this week?

Um, well, this week, he, uh...

he thinks
he's william shakespeare.

Come on over, will,

i want you
to meet the boys.

Been telling them
all about you.

Most impressive.

Would that we had

this kind of space
at the globe.

The globe?

Uh, uh, why
don't you

sit down,
will, here?

Have this seat here.

We're, uh,
just going over

the second act.

Act two.

Ah, yes,
the balcony scene.

A most delightful
love sequence.

Love sequence, and
on a balcony, yet.

I was going to mention
this to you, will,

but mr. Shannon asked us
to make a little change

in the love story part.

Oh?

You know,
the business on the balcony?

A thing of beauty.

"Oh, spirit of love

how quick and fresh
art thou."

A red-blooded
american boy
and girl

going gigging around
on balconies!

Who owns balconies
these days?

Extremely valid point,
mr. Shannon.

No question
about it.

You mean, no balcony?

Mm, uh, no balcony.

You see, will, this
here is television,

and you gotta
grab the audience

right where they live,
and you gotta do it quick.

That's why we're making
this little alteration

on the balcony thing.

See, instead of the boy
climbing up the shrubbery

to kiss the girl,
he, uh... uh, uh...

meets here in a
subway station.

A subway station?!

That's a bit.
That's a bit.

See, she sprains her
ankle, and this boy here,

he's kind of a dr. Kildare,
dr. Casey type,

and he operates on her
ankle right there

between the brighton express
and the bronx local.

You, uh, you see, will,

doctor stories are
very big this season.

All right, cast,
we'll take a short break now.

I want you to run over
that last scene for lines.

Mr. Moomer,
mr. Moomer,

something has to be done.

Troubles, will?

Troubles?

Is that esmeralda?

Yeah. Yeah,
that's the chick.

Well, if what you told me
is the case,

what reason
for her suicide?

What is to motivate
her long soliloquy

about love's labor lost?

Suicide?

What's with this suicide?

Oh, no suicide,
mr. Shannon.

That's definitely out.

I was going
to mention that to you, will.

You see, we can't live
with the suicide.

She don't stick
herself with a shiv.

Instead she runs away
with this bass fiddler

from artie shaw's gramercy five.

That was
my wife's
suggestion.

An inspired
one, at that.

And the brother and father
who burst into the scene?

My wife didn't like that.

She didn't like
the idea of

the father and
the brother, will,

so the way we play it now

the two guys coming into
the room are policemen.

Policemen?

Cops, cops.

And in the scene later on,

where the mother
does all the talking

about the blood
on our hands,

well, she's not the
mother no more, exactly.

She's the gardener's wife

who did time
for embezzlement.

But she has the most definitive
line of the play.

In the epilogue

i took it from
twelfth night:

"If music

"be the food of love, play on.

"Give me excess of it,
that surfeiting

the appetite may sicken
and so die."

Oh, fine,
fine, fine.

Appetite
sickening.

This is just fine.

The shannon
food company

is paying this
kind of money

to make people sick?

Uh, will, you'd
better get with it.

You're taking the butter
right off the toast, baby.

All right,
here we go.

Let's hear the narration
aloud please, for timing.

On october 30,
the gardener's wife

returned to the crime scene.

The police had already arrived,

and, once again,
the federal bureau
of investigation...

enough of that idiocy-

there's no soliloquy here!

What's going on here?

Who is that guy?

I'll tell you
what he ain't.

He ain't no
student of drama.

He runs around all the time
knocking tennessee.

Now, just as a point
of interest... gleep,

what do you got
against stanislavsky?

What have i
got against

this personage
stanislavsky?

You.

"Blow, blow,
thou winter wind

thou are not so unkind
as man's ingratitude."

That's fromas you like it,
act two, scene seven.

Hey, will. Will, will.

Hey, wait a minute,
will, wait a minute.

What are you doing?

You'll louse up
the whole deal!

What am i going to
say to them in there?

What am i going
to tell them?

Tell them simply

that "foolery, sir,
does walk about the orb

"like the sun.

It shines everywhere."

Act three, scene one,
twelfth night.

And you, julius moomer,
foolish mortal

who could have covered himself
with a cloak of immortality.

To you, julius moomer
who has succumbed

to the rankest compound
of villainous smell

that ever offended nostril...

to you, julius moomer...

lots of luck.

Hey, julius, for
a whole week now,

you look like
somebody told you

to go out and
scrub a lizard.

He finked out.

The guy finked out.

You want
a couple words of advice?

Knock off the conjuring.

Get yourself a nice clean safe
job on a streetcar.

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind

"to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune,

or to take arms
against a sea of troubles."

Yeah?

Did that guy have talent
or didn't he?

Man! I was on my way.

They already talked
about my next assignment.

A 2�-hour spectacula

What do you know
about american history?

I know this much:

A writer named julius moomer
died of malnutrition in 1963.

Za-za-zoom.

Ala-kazam.

Va-va-voom.

Ma, hey, ma!

He's doing it again!

Who knows what it means?

But he's honorable,
if nothing else.

This you've got to give him.

The what?

The american history thing?

Well, frankly, mr. Bramhoff,

i haven't been able
to reach him.

The fact is that i haven't...

mr. Hugo, he's outside.

Who is?

Julius.

He's got some people with him.

Mr. Bramhoff? He's here.

He's come back to us.

The boy is coming
back into our fold.

I told you you could count
on moomer, i just knew it.

Yes, i'll get back, i'll get
back to you, in a minute.

Yes.

Mr. Hugo!

Julius, my boy,
where have you been?

The whole week you wouldn't
answer the phone.

The networks are
screaming for you.

The agencies
are screaming for you.

The clients
are screaming for you.

They want that
american history thing.

I got it.

A fantastic notion.

An absolutely
fantastic notion.

I'm right in the
middle of it now.

Me and my staff have
been working on it.

Your staff...

not that kook
in the knee britches?

Ah, he cut out.
Forget about him.

Now this show's about
american history, right?

Right.
And you want it
documented-like, right?

Documented, of course.

And you want it
real authentic.

Authentic
above all, yes.

I'd like you to
meet my staff.

Send those gentlemen
in, would you.

General robert e. Lee.

General ulysses s. Grant.

George washington.

Abraham lincoln.

Pocahontas.

Daniel boone.

Theodore roosevelt.

Benjamin franklin.

Mr. Julius moomer.

A streetcar conductor
with delusions of authorship.

And if the tale just told
seems a little tall,

remember a thing
called poetic license

and another thing
called the twilight zone.