All language subtitles for The Twilight Zone - 5x32 - Mr. Garrity and the Graves

You unlock this door
with the key of imagination.

Beyond it is another dimension-

a dimension of sound,

a dimension of sight,

a dimension of mind.

You're moving into a land
of both shadow and substance,

of things and ideas.

You've just crossed over
into the twilight zone.

Whoa.

What's your
pleasure, sir?

Cold beer.

Cold beer, she is.

That'll be a nickel.

It's a lovely
little town.

What's that?

I was just remarking
about your town.

It's a beautiful, peaceful
little place you've got here.

It's the name
that really gets me.

Happiness, arizona.

Yeah, that's what
she's called-

happiness, arizona.

Let's see, she's
been called that

about ten
months now.

Oh! What was she called
before that?

Called before that?

Oh, various things.

Satan's stage stop.

Dead man's junction.

Boothill village-
you passed it.

Boothill
town cemetery.

128 people
buried there.

Every one of them
shot to death

except one who died
of natural causes.

Well, that's life.

Ah, this town wasn't
a fit place to live in.

Wasn't a night

you wouldn't have to
step over a dead body.

That a fact?

All of them shooting
every night.

There were more citizens
biting the dust

than there was attending
sunday services.

Ah, do tell.

And then, do you know
what happened?

I can't even
begin to guess.

Exactly- town took
stock of itself.

Got itself
a real effective sheriff.

Put the kibosh on firearms.

Built itself a jail and
a gallows, enforced the law.

Next thing you know...

happiness, arizona!

Where a man can walk
down the street

and have himself a drink

without having
to check the mirror

and see who's
gunning after him.

Now, that's
progress, mister.

Well, it's
this kind of thing

that kind of brings
tears to my eyes.

Oh, now, you don't
have to be scared

to show any
emotion, sir.

I know the feeling.

Been living with
killing and violence

all your life,
and then suddenly

it's kind of like...

it's kind of like the sun
coming over a dark cloud

and shining on you with its
warm rays of beneficence.

I do a little preaching
on the side too.

What's your line, sir?

My... my line?

What do you do?

I'm on the road a
good deal of the time.

Selling!

In a manner of speaking.

Services are my supply.

Services?

Well, what sort
of services?

Maybe i can
throw a little
business your way.

You might at that.

This is a town
that could use me.

What sort
of services

you supplying?

I bring back the dead.

Introducing mr. Jared garrity,
a gentleman of commerce

who in the latter half of the
19th century plied his trade

in the wild and
wooly hinterlands

of the american west.

And mr. Garrity,
if one can believe him,

is a resurrector of the dead,
which on the face of it

certainly sounds like the bull
is off the nickel.

But to the scoffers
amongst you,

and you ladies and gentlemen
from missouri,

don't laugh this one
off entirely,

at least until you've seen
a sample of mr. Garrity's wares

and an example of his services.

The place is happiness, arizona,

the time about 1890,

and you and i have just entered
a saloon where the bar whiskey

is brewed, bottled and delivered
from the twilight zone.

What'd he say
his name was?

He didn't say.

He's got a sign
on his wagon.

It says garrity.

That could
be his name.

By golly, that's
deduction.

You know why we
got law and order

in this town?

Because we've
got a sheriff

that uses scientific
deduction.

I wish i'd thought of that.

You know, if you don't know
a fella's name,

you just look at his wagon.

Well, now, that's really
no great shake

of a deduction, lapham,

but it does point up the fact

you can't stop thinking
on this job.

It's really kind of a think,
think, think proposition.

Now some men depend on this
all the time

when they should be using
the old... the old bean.

By golly,
nobody could be righter.

And when you use the head
instead of the gun,

you save money on bullets
and burials and labor.

Now he said what to you, jensen?

Oh, he said he could
bring back the dead.

Well, that's what he
said his line was-

"bringing back the dead."

Tell you, i almost
keeled back in my tracks.

Bring back the
dead, i'm thinking.

Well, he's
either a lunatic

or he's trying
to gull me.

That's when i ran
over to your office

and got you, sheriff.

Yeah, and when we come back,
he done and left town.

He probably figured
you'd gone after the sheriff

and decided to get out of town.

By golly, that's good reasoning,
sheriff.

That's just what he done.

He's obviously some sort
of a con man.

And when he saw jensen here
leave the saloon,

he knew he was going
for the lawman.

So, uh, he felt
he was in trouble,

and he got out of town.

Now that's a very fine
piece of deduction.

Except hows come
he left his wagon?

Gooberman, you're a very
embarrassing man to have around.

Why do you want to ask a
question like that for?

"Hows come he left his wagon?"

"Hows come
he left his wagon?"

How come he did leave his wagon?

Sheriff?

Way i figure it,

he probably didn't get
out of town after all.

The way i figure it,

he probably checked into
the hotel or something.

By golly, sheriff,
you're exactly right.

That's just what he done.

You've got a job here
for the rest of your life

if i've got anything
to do with it.

Jensen,

give the sheriff
a drink on me.

You're a real sport, lapham.

That's real kind of you, lapham,
real kind of you.

Real kind of you.

Here's to lapham.

Sheriff.

You're, uh...
you're mr. Garrity?

That's my family name.

Is that your
wagon outside?

Yep, that's
my wagon.

Says garrity
on it?

That's my
family name.

Well, mr. Jensen
here says

that you bring
back the dead.

Now, that's a figure
of speech, ain't it?

You don't actually
bring back the dead.

On the contrary, that's exactly
what i do- bring back the dead.

Well, now, you wouldn't
mind telling us

how you go about
doing this, would you?

Well, now, sheriff,
no offense-

uh, bartender,
please-

but it's kind of like a
professional trade secret

kind of like a magician.

Now, he doesn't tell
how he does his tricks

and i don't tell how i
bring back the dead...

but i do.

The fact is,
i heard about
your town here.

128 dead in boothill
up there.

Happiness, arizona,

with the biggest cemetery
west of chicago

and all of them
departing the earth

with unspeakable
violence.

All but one.

And that was my
dear wife, zelda,

rest her soul.

A fine healthy strapping
woman of 247 pounds,

but not unattractive, mind you,

and suddenly
i lost her.

And that's
why i drink-

from a
broken heart.

How much loss
can a man stand?

Killed him, poor little tyke,
ran right under my wagon.

Must have struck him
alongside of the head.

Hasn't got a mark on him,
but he's sure dead.

Well, it's accidental
animal homicide.

Well, that's decent
of you, sheriff.

No fine or nothing?

No fine.

You obviously couldn't help it.

Anybody know who
the dog belongs to?

Stray is what it is.

I never seen
it before.

I'll take him out
and bury him.

Ladies and gentlemen!

The proof of the pudding
is in the eating

and the proof of the service
is in the performing.

Hallelujah!

Now that dog is certainly
dead, is it not?

And gentlemen,
i shall return it

to the land of
the living.

I shall resurrect
that dog.

Now, please, stand
back all of you.

Oh, i want to ask you one thing.

In order that i might
perform the operation

completely and satisfactorily,

would you all turn around so
that you're not watching me.

If you don't
mind, please.

Eureka!

Oh, you good dog.

Oh, you good dog!

There we go.

Look at him go!

My dear friends,
ladies and gentlemen,

citizenry of happiness, arizona,

it is with no small
degree of pleasure

that i stand here

on this quaint
picturesque main street

performing what i
might modestly claim

as an accomplishment
of some dimension.

As you have all seen,

i have just brought
a dog back to life.

It's devil's work!

Black magic is what it is.

It is not black magic
and not devil's work.

It is the application
of scientific principles

which i have picked up
over the years

while traveling exclusively
in the himalayan mountains.

What i did for that dog i can do
for your loved ones-

may their souls rest in peace-
momentarily.

You mean, you can bring
back my zelda?

And my former partner?

And my late husband?

Tonight, dear friends,
tonight at midnight,

happiness will reign
in happiness, arizona.

The dead will be returned
to you.

H-he's still up
at the cemetery.

He's been there four hours now.

That place freezes my
insides at high noon

with the sun
shining down.

Imagine how it
is after dark.

I don't like
the proceedings.

I believe when you're dead,
you're dead.

Imagine my
little blossom,

my own zelda.

All those lonely days
and lonely weeks

and tonight at midnight,
she comes back to me.

Good evening,
gentlemen.

Good evening
to you all.

Whiskey, please.

You know, the cosmic impulses
tonight are incredible.

Absolutely incredible!

I have just been up on boothill.

All finished
up there now?

All finished.

Now they'll all come filing
down any moment now.

Ahead of schedule, too.

I hadn't gone five minutes
into the ceremony

before the earth
started to heave.

Some mighty anxious folks
up there.

Mighty anxious.

Ah, but it'd do your heart good
to see them wiggling around

under the sod,
just like some happy colts

raring to face life again.

That's your beloved brother,

isn't it,
mr. Jensen?

Uh, john, he was killed
by accident last march.

We had a gunfight in here and
he got hit by a stray bullet.

The same size
and shape as you

with a kind of a limp?

Uh...

how did you know?

Your brother was the last man
buried, mr. Jensen,

and the last buried
are the first ones

who'll be coming back down.

Coming back down?

Ha! I believe
that's him coming now.

Mr. Jensen...

it's your own
beloved brother john

and a more decent,
honorable citizen

never pulled a cork
from a bottle,
so i'm told.

Mr. Garrity, he was a
lowdown thieving skunk.

He spent more time tapping
the till and stealing whiskey

than he did
waiting on customers.

You dishonor the man.

And here he returns to you
from the grave.

And after that unfortunate,
accidental bullet

that caught him
between the shoulder blades.

Mr. Garrity.

What do you charge

to bring back
these dead people?

Room and board, but my
major source of income

is the pleasure
i derive

bringing happiness
to my fellow man.

Well, how would you
like to increase

that source of income?

You'll have to speak
a bit plainer.

What would it take to
put my brother back?

No, that would be a
difficult procedure.

You see, mr. Jensen,

after the resurrection
has taken place

it requires
a maximum effort

to make them die
all over again.

Well, would $100
help the effort?

Shall we say $1,000?

Well, what does
500 do for you?

It warms me a little
but i still feel drafty.

Let's settle for,
uh... 750, shall we?

It's a deal.

He disappeared!

He just plain
disappeared!

He came walking
towards us

and i would
have bet money

it was your
brother john.

And he was walking
towards us

and then he plumb
disappeared!

That's life.

But now don't
fret, friends.

He'll be followed
by all the others.

All the
others?

Including your beloved wife.

Your lonely hours are over.

Your zelda will soon
be back with you

to bring back
your peace of mind.

No disrespect, uh...

what i mean is that zelda was
the flower of all womanhood

but on six different occasions

she broke my left arm and
this poor thing was in a cast

so many times that
i developed a list.

Your point, mr. Gooberman.

Oh, i would hate to
disturb zelda's rest

so how much would it
cost to put her back?

Oh, that's a difficult
assignment, mr. Gooberman.

Uh...

$500.

For me it was $750!

I'm
ashamed.

I'm truly
ashamed.

Your own
dear brother.

And you, gooberman,
your dear wife.

As a public official of this
town, i apologize for these men.

I am humiliated.

Nothing less than humiliated!

I don't blame you
a bit, sheriff.

And i could perceive immediately

that you're made of
sterner stuff.

You're not quaking
in your boots

because lightning
peterson

will be one of the departed
returning this night.

Lightning
peterson!

You killed
him yourself,

didn't you,
sheriff?

He was the
fastest gun

in the
territory.

Balderdash.

I say balderdash!

"Lightning" peterson.

You killed him once, sheriff,
in an honest showdown

and if he hasn't
learned from that

well, you can do it again.

Something, sheriff?

You're going to resurrect
that gunman?

Well, it was a
mass operation.

As a matter of fact, sheriff,

it will give you
a marvelous opportunity

to dispel those
ugly rumors i heard

that you actually shot
peterson in the back...

late at night...

when he was alone and unarmed

and you had six deputies
alongside of you.

Seven.

Now, i know that you faced up
to him in broad daylight

but this will give you an
opportunity to shoot him down,

if need be, face-to-face.

Well, now, the fact
is, mr. Garrity,

i don't think that peterson
should be resurrected.

Actually...

he's a menace to society.

The fact is,
sheriff...

...he's already
on his way down.

I don't mind
facing up to him

but why go to all
that trouble?

Uh...

would, uh,
you think $500

would keep him
back up there?

Lightning peterson?

You do him an
injustice, sheriff.

He was quite a lad
with the gun

and mighty
active at that.

No, no, no, this will
be a $1,200 job.

Sold.

Jensen,
a whole bottle please.

Happen to see a scrawny
little man out there,

kinda gimlet-eyed.

His name?

Perkins. Ephraim perkins.

Relative?
Ex-husband.

And no tighter man
ever squeezed a silver dollar.

And the thing of it is,
i'm married again.

And if the truth be known,

i never did care for ephraim
while he was living

and i don't see why i should
go through it all again.

What would i do
with two husbands?

A hundred dollars?

Five, madam.

Five?
Mm.

My father-in-law...

my father-in-law's
a big man,

asked to be buried
with a bullwhip.

There's just no reason
why he should...

no, no, no.

Oh, thank you,
thank you.

My wife looked
very pretty

when she was buried.

Couldn't we keep
her that way?

Five.

The rest of you just
put your names here.

The amount's $500.

Thank you.

Five.

Whoa.

Come on, boy!

Come on, spot, come on!

Come on, spot, come here!

Oh, you nice, nice puppy.

Oh, you're a nice dog.

I got a big bone
in the wagon for you.

Your reward for playing dead.

You're late!

Oh, ace,
i couldn't help it.

This town is the ripest pear
we ever plucked.

They couldn't
get rid of their
moneybags fast enough.

What was the take?

Considerably more than you
earned on the stage, dear boy.

Played my part uncommonly well.

Uncommonly.

I've been checking over
the itinerary.

Our next stop is tucson.

We'll get a good night's sleep,

you go in there in the morning,
get a line on the place.

We'll see which
of the dear departed

you can imitate
tomorrow night.

Real sorry, friends,

that i couldn't perform
what i laid claim to,

so rest in peace, all of you.

Let's go.

Old spot, now
come on over here.

There you go.

You sit here.

The man don't do
himself justice.

The actor that played you
wasn't worth a darn.

But that there garrity

sure can do a job
of resurrecting.

I can't wait to get
back into town.

I've got a lot of drinking
to catch up with.

There's a yellow skunk
of a sheriff

i aim to settle
a score with, too.

And there's a little pipsqueak

of a sot just waiting
to get his arm broke

and i'm just the gal
that can do it

or my name
ain't zelda gooberman.

Exit mr. Garrity,
a would-be charlatan,

a make-believe con man

and a sad misjudger
of his own talents.

Respectfully submitted
from an empty cemetery

on a dark hillside

that is one of the slopes
leading to the twilight zone.