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1
00:00:04,148 --> 00:00:05,541
Hey.
2
00:00:05,584 --> 00:00:06,890
For Emma's quinceañera,
3
00:00:06,933 --> 00:00:08,370
am I supposed to just get her money,
4
00:00:08,413 --> 00:00:09,806
or if I wanted to add something extra,
5
00:00:09,849 --> 00:00:12,156
would she like a NutriBullet,
6
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:14,202
makeup, rosary beads,
7
00:00:14,245 --> 00:00:17,596
a T-shirt that says "Slay all day"?
8
00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:19,381
She's gonna like whatever you get her.
9
00:00:19,424 --> 00:00:20,556
I just want it to be good, you know?
10
00:00:20,599 --> 00:00:22,166
I always feel like
Emma doesn't like me.
11
00:00:22,210 --> 00:00:23,689
What? Why?
12
00:00:23,733 --> 00:00:25,952
She always goes to her room
whenever I come over.
13
00:00:25,996 --> 00:00:27,606
And there was the time
she saw in the towel
14
00:00:27,650 --> 00:00:28,781
and it was never addressed.
15
00:00:28,825 --> 00:00:31,306
Jonah, she's 15 years old.
16
00:00:31,349 --> 00:00:34,526
If you're not Ariana Grande
or Gritty, she's not into it.
17
00:00:34,570 --> 00:00:35,919
Yeah, but I'm, like, the guy
18
00:00:35,962 --> 00:00:37,877
who stole her mom away from her dad.
19
00:00:37,921 --> 00:00:39,792
Yeah, no, you're right. It's true.
20
00:00:39,836 --> 00:00:43,535
I was in a happy, fulfilling,
blissful marriage
21
00:00:43,579 --> 00:00:45,798
that would have just gone on
forever and ever
22
00:00:45,842 --> 00:00:48,410
if you hadn't swooped in
and started whispering
23
00:00:48,453 --> 00:00:50,325
"This American Life"
stories into my ear
24
00:00:50,368 --> 00:00:51,326
until my panties dropped.
25
00:00:51,369 --> 00:00:52,718
I'm just saying.
26
00:00:52,762 --> 00:00:55,286
I don't need to go if
it's gonna make things weird.
27
00:00:55,330 --> 00:00:57,201
I mean, between Emma and Adam...
28
00:00:57,245 --> 00:00:59,464
It's not going to be weird.
29
00:00:59,508 --> 00:01:01,640
Calm down. I want you to be there.
30
00:01:01,684 --> 00:01:03,600
It would be weird if you weren't there.
31
00:01:04,339 --> 00:01:05,644
[sighs] You sure?
32
00:01:05,688 --> 00:01:08,560
- Yes.
- Okay. Okay.
33
00:01:08,604 --> 00:01:10,736
Has she ever brought
up the towel thing?
34
00:01:10,780 --> 00:01:12,650
Because it was tied pretty low.
35
00:01:13,565 --> 00:01:15,219
It's been discussed.
36
00:01:15,263 --> 00:01:18,222
[upbeat music]
37
00:01:18,266 --> 00:01:19,963
♪
38
00:01:20,006 --> 00:01:23,314
[upbeat music]
39
00:01:23,358 --> 00:01:28,580
♪
40
00:01:28,624 --> 00:01:31,801
Emma, hey! Happy quinceañera.
41
00:01:31,844 --> 00:01:34,238
- Thanks.
- That dress is great.
42
00:01:34,282 --> 00:01:37,502
Somebody is ready for the red carpet.
43
00:01:37,546 --> 00:01:38,452
Okay.
44
00:01:39,287 --> 00:01:40,549
Hey, you two, could I get a photo?
45
00:01:40,592 --> 00:01:42,855
- Ah, oh, yeah. Sure.
- All right.
46
00:01:42,899 --> 00:01:44,394
Go ahead and smile.
47
00:01:44,770 --> 00:01:47,033
Ah, go ahead and actually
get close together.
48
00:01:47,077 --> 00:01:48,948
Oh, hey, Adam, how's it going, buddy?
49
00:01:48,992 --> 00:01:50,646
- Hi. Hey.
- All right.
50
00:01:50,689 --> 00:01:52,300
Emma, what don't you take
a little step forward?
51
00:01:52,343 --> 00:01:53,823
And, Dad, go ahead
and throw your arms around her.
52
00:01:53,866 --> 00:01:55,390
- Ew, he's not my Dad.
- Yeah, I'm not...
53
00:01:55,433 --> 00:01:57,348
- "Ew" seems strong.
- I'm the father.
54
00:01:57,392 --> 00:01:59,045
Yeah, I'm just the boyfriend.
55
00:01:59,089 --> 00:02:01,483
Oh, no, the mother's boyfriend.
56
00:02:01,526 --> 00:02:03,702
I'm not... I'm not her boy...
57
00:02:03,746 --> 00:02:05,530
You know what? You should
probably do this instead of me.
58
00:02:05,574 --> 00:02:07,750
- The father-daughter photo?
- Yeah, maybe.
59
00:02:08,222 --> 00:02:09,099
Probably should.
60
00:02:09,142 --> 00:02:10,796
Oh, wow, I'm gonna have
to zoom out on that one.
61
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,495
- You're so much taller, right?
- Thank you.
62
00:02:13,538 --> 00:02:15,540
There he is. Yeah, I like it.
That's good.
63
00:02:15,584 --> 00:02:17,890
Yeah, you guys,
you're both so... so beautiful.
64
00:02:19,631 --> 00:02:20,893
Thank you.
65
00:02:20,937 --> 00:02:23,722
Oh, you guys, went all out.
66
00:02:23,766 --> 00:02:25,724
Yeah, it was gonna be a little smaller,
67
00:02:25,768 --> 00:02:29,728
but then I... I got my promotion,
and I was like, "o it up."
68
00:02:29,772 --> 00:02:30,947
Bo really wanted to come,
69
00:02:30,990 --> 00:02:32,862
but one of his suits
is at the dry cleaner's
70
00:02:32,905 --> 00:02:34,690
and the other one's haunted.
71
00:02:34,733 --> 00:02:36,953
Okay. Yeah, those things happen.
72
00:02:36,996 --> 00:02:39,651
Oh, and, Amy,
Jerusha had to watch Rose,
73
00:02:39,695 --> 00:02:42,959
but there was no way that I was
gonna miss this celebration
74
00:02:43,002 --> 00:02:45,744
of Emma's transition
from girlhood to womanhood
75
00:02:45,788 --> 00:02:48,486
with cultural roots in Mesoamerica.
76
00:02:48,530 --> 00:02:50,967
Thank you, Glenn. Did you
spend some time on Wikipedia?
77
00:02:51,010 --> 00:02:53,404
Yeah, I did. How?
78
00:02:53,448 --> 00:02:55,363
- Where's Emma?
- She's over there.
79
00:02:55,406 --> 00:02:57,408
- Oh.
- Aw.
80
00:02:57,452 --> 00:02:59,187
Look at her, in her dress.
81
00:02:59,188 --> 00:03:00,977
I wore that dress to my quinceañera.
82
00:03:01,020 --> 00:03:02,892
I can't believe it.
83
00:03:02,935 --> 00:03:05,416
Just yesterday,
she was this little baby,
84
00:03:05,460 --> 00:03:08,425
and now she's this grown woman.
85
00:03:10,073 --> 00:03:12,597
I'm so sorry.
I have a lot of feelings today.
86
00:03:12,641 --> 00:03:13,616
Excuse me.
87
00:03:14,207 --> 00:03:16,514
I don't think I've ever
seen Amy show emotion before.
88
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:17,823
I know, it's so weird.
89
00:03:17,824 --> 00:03:20,518
It's like, I once saw
my dentist yell at a stripper,
90
00:03:20,562 --> 00:03:24,435
and it was like,
"Oh, you do have feelings."
91
00:03:24,479 --> 00:03:27,830
Amy doesn't cry often,
but when she does, oh, boy.
92
00:03:27,873 --> 00:03:30,398
- What do you mean?
- Oh, it's awful.
93
00:03:30,441 --> 00:03:32,400
It's like... [wails]
94
00:03:32,443 --> 00:03:35,490
No, it's, um... [whines]
95
00:03:35,533 --> 00:03:37,100
No, I can't do it.
96
00:03:37,143 --> 00:03:38,667
I would really like to see that.
97
00:03:39,145 --> 00:03:40,636
- Me too.
- Mm.
98
00:03:41,104 --> 00:03:45,064
♪ I've never been afraid ♪
99
00:03:45,108 --> 00:03:48,503
♪ I've loved the life we've made ♪
100
00:03:49,504 --> 00:03:51,506
Why are you lurking in the corner?
101
00:03:51,549 --> 00:03:53,421
I'm not lurking.
102
00:03:53,464 --> 00:03:55,901
I'm standing silently in the shadows.
103
00:03:55,945 --> 00:03:57,381
Lurking works, yeah.
104
00:03:57,425 --> 00:04:00,231
I'm just trying to stay out
of everyone's way, you know?
105
00:04:00,385 --> 00:04:02,386
Jonah, relax. It's a party.
106
00:04:02,430 --> 00:04:04,823
You should be mingling.
Go talk to someone
107
00:04:04,867 --> 00:04:06,782
about how second season
of "Patriot" gets better.
108
00:04:06,825 --> 00:04:07,826
It doesn't.
109
00:04:07,870 --> 00:04:09,654
See? This is a great conversation.
110
00:04:09,698 --> 00:04:11,003
Get out there.
111
00:04:11,047 --> 00:04:14,398
Oh, Mom, Dad! Come! Come here!
112
00:04:14,442 --> 00:04:16,008
- Just talk to them.
- I... I'm fine...
113
00:04:16,052 --> 00:04:17,793
You remember Jonah.
114
00:04:17,836 --> 00:04:20,926
- Hey, guys! Hey!
- Nice to see you.
115
00:04:20,970 --> 00:04:22,885
- Hi, Jonah.
- It's been a while. Hi.
116
00:04:22,928 --> 00:04:24,713
Er, yeah, yeah. It's good to see you.
117
00:04:24,756 --> 00:04:27,150
Connie, I love that dress.
118
00:04:27,193 --> 00:04:29,979
Somebody is ready for the red carpet.
119
00:04:30,022 --> 00:04:31,346
Thank you.
120
00:04:32,068 --> 00:04:33,504
[clears throat] You know, I think
121
00:04:33,548 --> 00:04:35,201
- you're running low on ice.
- I don't think we are.
122
00:04:35,245 --> 00:04:36,725
Well, nobody ever thinks
they're running low on ice
123
00:04:36,768 --> 00:04:38,814
until they're actually low
on ice, and then it's too late,
124
00:04:38,857 --> 00:04:41,164
so I'm gonna go get
some ice from outside.
125
00:04:41,207 --> 00:04:43,471
Uh, excuse me.
126
00:04:46,256 --> 00:04:47,866
It's his first quinceañera.
127
00:04:47,910 --> 00:04:49,825
If everybody could take their seats,
128
00:04:49,868 --> 00:04:51,870
we're gonna begin
the presentation of Emma
129
00:04:51,914 --> 00:04:53,829
and her court ofdamas y chambelanes
130
00:04:53,872 --> 00:04:55,266
in just a few minutes.
131
00:04:56,745 --> 00:04:58,442
They're breasts!
132
00:04:58,486 --> 00:05:00,748
- I wasn't... I was just...
- Uh-huh.
133
00:05:01,489 --> 00:05:04,579
It was a bold choice
to wear a dress like that
134
00:05:04,622 --> 00:05:06,581
at a party full
of a bunch of horny teens.
135
00:05:06,624 --> 00:05:08,191
You're really putting
the ladies out there.
136
00:05:08,234 --> 00:05:09,932
Why should I have to police my body
137
00:05:09,975 --> 00:05:11,847
because the men of this world
can't keep it in their pants?
138
00:05:11,890 --> 00:05:13,892
- I agree.
- I mean, if Emma was Wiccan,
139
00:05:13,936 --> 00:05:15,024
we would be all naked right now,
140
00:05:15,067 --> 00:05:16,460
dancing around a fire pentacle
141
00:05:16,504 --> 00:05:17,766
and grabbing each other's crotches.
142
00:05:17,809 --> 00:05:19,245
It really sounds like
you've done that before.
143
00:05:19,289 --> 00:05:20,326
A couple of times.
144
00:05:20,986 --> 00:05:24,903
♪ Didn't I, didn't I,
didn't I see you crying? ♪
145
00:05:24,947 --> 00:05:29,952
♪ Oh, didn't I, didn't I,
didn't I see you crying? ♪
146
00:05:29,995 --> 00:05:31,606
♪ Feelin' all alone
without a friend... ♪
147
00:05:31,649 --> 00:05:35,479
And put your hands together
for Marco and Daniela.
148
00:05:35,523 --> 00:05:38,264
[cheers and applause]
149
00:05:38,308 --> 00:05:41,006
[upbeat percussive music]
150
00:05:41,050 --> 00:05:44,053
All right, and now,
everybody, on your feet.
151
00:05:44,096 --> 00:05:45,881
It gives me great pleasure
to introduce to you
152
00:05:45,924 --> 00:05:49,754
thequinceañera herself,
Emma Dubanowski!
153
00:05:49,798 --> 00:05:51,495
[cheers and applause]
154
00:05:51,539 --> 00:05:53,279
♪ I wanna see you
when I turn around... ♪
155
00:05:53,323 --> 00:05:56,065
Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I didn't
realize you guys were...
156
00:05:56,108 --> 00:05:57,719
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, watch out.
157
00:05:57,762 --> 00:06:00,112
Oh, so sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry, I was getting ice.
158
00:06:00,156 --> 00:06:02,114
We can see that, big guy.
Just get out of the way.
159
00:06:02,158 --> 00:06:05,117
- Okay, I'm sorry. I'm...
- [all gasp]
160
00:06:05,161 --> 00:06:06,249
Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.
161
00:06:06,292 --> 00:06:08,207
If you guys... just... just back up.
162
00:06:08,251 --> 00:06:10,514
I don't want anybody to slip.
It's... it's slippery.
163
00:06:10,558 --> 00:06:12,690
It's good to see Jonah again.
164
00:06:12,734 --> 00:06:14,039
I'm glad that's happening for you.
165
00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:15,780
- Thank you.
- You know what?
166
00:06:15,824 --> 00:06:17,129
We're gonna take a break
and clear the floor,
167
00:06:17,173 --> 00:06:18,391
so everyone just chill
168
00:06:18,435 --> 00:06:20,089
and we'll take it again from the top.
169
00:06:20,132 --> 00:06:23,571
Okay, again, very sorry.
170
00:06:23,614 --> 00:06:25,007
If you need anything, I'm just gonna...
171
00:06:25,050 --> 00:06:26,356
you don't need anything.
You guys are good.
172
00:06:26,399 --> 00:06:29,660
I'm... okay. I'm gonna
stop talking right now.
173
00:06:30,186 --> 00:06:33,319
So, uh, I'm gonna write down my email.
174
00:06:33,363 --> 00:06:36,148
If you could send me
a copy of this video,
175
00:06:36,192 --> 00:06:37,649
that would be great.
176
00:06:37,692 --> 00:06:41,522
It could be any file, any size.
I don't care.
177
00:06:46,282 --> 00:06:47,936
Come on, it wasn't that bad.
178
00:06:47,979 --> 00:06:49,198
If anything, you did her a favor.
179
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,026
How many girls get to do
their entrance twice?
180
00:06:52,002 --> 00:06:54,777
One of the kids said,
"Smooth move, dick."
181
00:06:55,497 --> 00:06:56,952
Like, just so uncalled for.
182
00:06:57,446 --> 00:06:59,295
I'm sure most of them
didn't even notice.
183
00:07:00,364 --> 00:07:01,819
Look at them. Hey!
184
00:07:02,809 --> 00:07:04,866
Hey! Hey!
185
00:07:05,898 --> 00:07:06,433
Hello?
186
00:07:07,441 --> 00:07:08,217
Oh, my God.
187
00:07:09,244 --> 00:07:11,071
Look, I just want you to know
188
00:07:11,115 --> 00:07:12,943
that nothing happened
between Jonah and Amy
189
00:07:12,986 --> 00:07:14,292
while you guys were together.
190
00:07:14,336 --> 00:07:15,859
I mean, sure they kissed
during the tornado,
191
00:07:15,902 --> 00:07:16,990
but I'm pretty sure that was it.
192
00:07:17,034 --> 00:07:18,470
Well, thanks for letting me know that.
193
00:07:18,514 --> 00:07:20,820
Yeah. But then, of course,
there was the sex tape
194
00:07:20,864 --> 00:07:22,822
that happened at work.
195
00:07:22,866 --> 00:07:26,289
If it helps, we found out
later, Amy didn't finish.
196
00:07:27,262 --> 00:07:29,351
Jonah did, though, so...
197
00:07:29,974 --> 00:07:32,310
- Sorry about that.
- Buddy, cut it out.
198
00:07:32,354 --> 00:07:34,205
- Cut what out?
- Dude, look,
199
00:07:34,206 --> 00:07:36,271
I was your age once.
I was obsessed with breasts.
200
00:07:36,314 --> 00:07:37,968
I'm still a fan, but she's my friend,
201
00:07:38,011 --> 00:07:39,491
so stop staring at her.
202
00:07:39,535 --> 00:07:42,755
I wasn't. I don't care about
some lady's fake boobs.
203
00:07:42,799 --> 00:07:43,974
[chuckles] Okay, all right.
204
00:07:44,017 --> 00:07:45,541
Well, they're real, but whatever.
205
00:07:45,584 --> 00:07:47,282
They're totally fake.
206
00:07:47,325 --> 00:07:49,022
You can tell when they're
too round like that.
207
00:07:49,066 --> 00:07:50,894
Dude, don't act like
you know about breasts.
208
00:07:50,937 --> 00:07:52,374
I dated her. They're real.
209
00:07:52,417 --> 00:07:53,380
You dated her?
210
00:07:54,245 --> 00:07:55,377
So you've, like, seen them?
211
00:07:55,420 --> 00:07:57,335
Yeah. When adults date each other,
212
00:07:57,379 --> 00:07:58,902
they show each other their boobs.
213
00:07:58,945 --> 00:08:00,904
What are they like? Are they awesome?
214
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:03,988
Buddy, I'm not telling you about that.
215
00:08:05,387 --> 00:08:07,389
But the right one's a little
perkier than the left one,
216
00:08:07,432 --> 00:08:10,043
but not in like a weird
Picasso kind of way,
217
00:08:10,087 --> 00:08:12,437
and they're sort of spread out,
but not like Admiral Ackbar.
218
00:08:12,481 --> 00:08:13,873
It's like they're...
219
00:08:13,917 --> 00:08:15,414
[sighs] You know what?
220
00:08:16,049 --> 00:08:18,138
I'll just draw 'em for ya. Come on.
221
00:08:20,097 --> 00:08:22,447
And on this day of your quinceañera,
222
00:08:22,491 --> 00:08:26,799
I wanted to get you
something muy especial, so...
223
00:08:28,018 --> 00:08:29,149
both: Holy [bleep].
224
00:08:29,193 --> 00:08:32,065
It's the traditional last doll,
225
00:08:32,109 --> 00:08:33,415
última muñeca.
226
00:08:33,458 --> 00:08:36,113
Jerusha and I worked
really hard on this.
227
00:08:36,156 --> 00:08:37,201
Do you like it?
228
00:08:37,244 --> 00:08:39,246
Yes, mm-hmm. Just say thank you.
229
00:08:39,290 --> 00:08:41,292
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
230
00:08:41,336 --> 00:08:43,381
Oh, if you're wondering
why the hair looks so real?
231
00:08:43,425 --> 00:08:44,904
Because it is.
232
00:08:44,948 --> 00:08:47,820
Yeah, Jerusha got her hair
caught in the garbage disposal,
233
00:08:47,864 --> 00:08:50,867
so, you know, we saved it for you.
234
00:08:50,910 --> 00:08:52,120
Thank you.
235
00:08:53,391 --> 00:08:55,378
Put her away.
236
00:08:56,307 --> 00:08:58,265
- Keep her safe.
- Yeah.
237
00:08:58,309 --> 00:09:01,138
[Terrell Burt's
"Come and Dance" playing]
238
00:09:01,181 --> 00:09:06,970
♪
239
00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:09,189
Emma, if I could give you any advice,
240
00:09:09,233 --> 00:09:11,104
it would be,
never give your virtue away.
241
00:09:11,148 --> 00:09:14,107
Hold it, protect it until you meet
242
00:09:14,151 --> 00:09:15,979
that special man
that you will call husband.
243
00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:17,372
This is, like,
the fifth speech in a row
244
00:09:17,415 --> 00:09:18,590
about Emma's virginity.
245
00:09:18,634 --> 00:09:19,896
- It's weird.
- I know.
246
00:09:19,939 --> 00:09:23,116
It's like, who hasn't lost
their virginity by 15?
247
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:25,205
Studies show that
pushing abstinence on kids
248
00:09:25,249 --> 00:09:26,642
actually makes them
want to have sex more.
249
00:09:26,685 --> 00:09:28,426
Or it encourages them
to try butt stuff,
250
00:09:28,470 --> 00:09:30,385
which, hey, God bless.
251
00:09:30,428 --> 00:09:34,345
So it kind of curves
up here to décolletage.
252
00:09:34,389 --> 00:09:35,433
That's a crumb.
253
00:09:35,477 --> 00:09:38,001
That's not, like, a third nipple.
254
00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:40,669
Then over here,
there's sort of a quick little dip,
255
00:09:40,670 --> 00:09:43,354
like that first drop
in Batman: The Ride.
256
00:09:43,398 --> 00:09:46,009
And I know it seems like
I'm spending a lot of time
257
00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:50,056
on the sternum, but it's really
all about that negative space.
258
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:52,015
Because losing
the precious gift of chastity
259
00:09:52,058 --> 00:09:53,973
would be the biggest mistake
of your life,
260
00:09:54,017 --> 00:09:55,932
almost as big a mistake
as when this guy
261
00:09:55,975 --> 00:09:57,194
ruined your big entrance.
262
00:09:57,237 --> 00:09:59,414
[laughter]
263
00:09:59,457 --> 00:10:01,024
[chuckles weakly]
264
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:03,156
From before, yeah. Zing.
265
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:09,336
♪ Fire, baby ♪
266
00:10:09,380 --> 00:10:12,169
Because, as we all know,
267
00:10:12,949 --> 00:10:17,388
the unopened chips
always stays the freshest.
268
00:10:17,432 --> 00:10:19,042
- [applause]
- Thank you.
269
00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:20,478
Ah, who's next?
270
00:10:20,522 --> 00:10:22,349
Oh, God, no. Pass.
271
00:10:22,393 --> 00:10:24,482
Ouch, so cold.
272
00:10:24,526 --> 00:10:27,659
I don't... I don't mean pass
like I-I-I don't care.
273
00:10:27,703 --> 00:10:30,053
I just... uh...
274
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:31,533
I... sorry, when I...
275
00:10:31,576 --> 00:10:33,056
when I said, "Pass,"
276
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:34,579
I just meant, like,
I don't want to say anything.
277
00:10:34,623 --> 00:10:38,235
Not... sorry,
not because I don't like Emma.
278
00:10:38,278 --> 00:10:41,543
It's just, it feels silly
for me to be giving a speech
279
00:10:41,586 --> 00:10:44,311
when I'm not even
a part of the family yet.
280
00:10:44,312 --> 00:10:46,069
- Oh!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
281
00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:47,505
That doesn't... that's not a... no.
282
00:10:47,549 --> 00:10:48,724
Don't read into the word "yet," no.
283
00:10:48,767 --> 00:10:49,844
Believe me, we're... [chuckles]
284
00:10:49,845 --> 00:10:51,727
We're not getting married, okay?
285
00:10:51,770 --> 00:10:53,163
I mean, I don't mean that we're never...
286
00:10:53,206 --> 00:10:54,469
we're never gonna get married.
287
00:10:54,512 --> 00:10:56,122
[stumbling] I mean, we haven't even
288
00:10:56,166 --> 00:10:57,765
talked about it, right?
289
00:10:57,766 --> 00:10:59,996
You know what? I should probably
290
00:11:00,039 --> 00:11:01,563
just stick with the standard script
291
00:11:01,606 --> 00:11:04,261
and say, um, congrats, Emma,
292
00:11:04,304 --> 00:11:08,483
and I guess stay a virgin
or don't... or don't.
293
00:11:08,526 --> 00:11:11,703
You know, that's...
your sexuality is your own.
294
00:11:11,747 --> 00:11:13,052
- Okay.
- Thank you.
295
00:11:13,096 --> 00:11:17,075
Thank you for those kind words, Jonah.
296
00:11:17,666 --> 00:11:19,450
- Here.
- Just...
297
00:11:20,257 --> 00:11:23,062
But, uh, we got some more
partying to do, folks.
298
00:11:23,106 --> 00:11:26,239
I budgeted six shrimp
per person, so go to town.
299
00:11:26,283 --> 00:11:28,372
And if there aren't any more toasts...
300
00:11:28,415 --> 00:11:31,201
Actually, Amy, uh, I just
wanted to say a few words
301
00:11:31,244 --> 00:11:32,594
on the topic of female pleasure...
302
00:11:32,637 --> 00:11:34,334
[feedback squeals]
303
00:11:34,378 --> 00:11:37,337
Oops, it's... it's broken.
304
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:47,817
Hi.
305
00:11:48,077 --> 00:11:49,599
How are you doing?
306
00:11:50,337 --> 00:11:52,643
Fantastic. Life of the party.
307
00:11:53,862 --> 00:11:55,472
[yawns]
308
00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:57,605
Man, I am so tired.
309
00:11:57,648 --> 00:11:59,781
I really wish I could go home now.
310
00:11:59,824 --> 00:12:01,565
You can, though, if you wanted to.
311
00:12:01,609 --> 00:12:04,264
You know, if you're...
if you're feeling beat.
312
00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:05,830
I mean, it's only 8:30.
313
00:12:05,874 --> 00:12:09,747
Oh, okay, only 8:30,
Mr. Party All Night.
314
00:12:09,791 --> 00:12:11,532
I wish I could be in bed
with a good book.
315
00:12:11,575 --> 00:12:12,949
Doesn't that sound great?
316
00:12:12,950 --> 00:12:15,666
You've literally never read in bed.
317
00:12:15,710 --> 00:12:18,321
You play "Candy Crush"
until you're snoring.
318
00:12:18,365 --> 00:12:20,845
Ha! Yeah, that's true.
I love that game.
319
00:12:21,512 --> 00:12:24,458
- Maybe I should take off.
- No, no.
320
00:12:25,265 --> 00:12:26,242
That's... that's not what I want.
321
00:12:26,286 --> 00:12:30,551
I-I want you be here,
just not so noticeably.
322
00:12:30,594 --> 00:12:33,815
- That's what I want.
- Fingers crossed.
323
00:12:33,858 --> 00:12:35,686
[upbeat dance music]
324
00:12:35,729 --> 00:12:37,064
Excuse me.
325
00:12:37,065 --> 00:12:39,255
Were you the one who drew
these breasts for my child?
326
00:12:39,299 --> 00:12:41,388
What? No. What? Who's your son?
327
00:12:41,431 --> 00:12:42,606
In the future, I'd appreciate
328
00:12:42,650 --> 00:12:44,782
if you didn't give
pornography to my child.
329
00:12:44,826 --> 00:12:46,660
- Mm-hmm.
- He's a child.
330
00:12:47,089 --> 00:12:48,378
Got it, child.
331
00:12:48,699 --> 00:12:49,961
Those are my breasts.
332
00:12:50,005 --> 00:12:53,704
What? No. I drew those from scratch.
333
00:12:53,748 --> 00:12:55,271
I think I'd recognize my own breasts.
334
00:12:55,315 --> 00:12:56,881
I have over 40 mirrors in my house.
335
00:12:56,925 --> 00:12:58,927
Okay, fine, yeah, they're your breasts,
336
00:12:58,970 --> 00:13:00,711
but it was just that this nerd kid
337
00:13:00,755 --> 00:13:02,844
said that they were fake, and
I was like, "No, they're not."
338
00:13:02,887 --> 00:13:04,280
And he's like, "Yes, they are," so I...
339
00:13:04,324 --> 00:13:05,890
This is a really
impressive level of detail.
340
00:13:05,934 --> 00:13:07,283
Did you just do this from memory?
341
00:13:07,327 --> 00:13:08,328
Yeah.
342
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:10,155
Wow. I guess I didn't realize
343
00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:11,461
how obsessed you are with me.
344
00:13:11,505 --> 00:13:12,206
What?
345
00:13:12,941 --> 00:13:14,508
Well, it's almost sad.
346
00:13:14,551 --> 00:13:16,379
Poor Garrett, pining after a woman
347
00:13:16,423 --> 00:13:17,946
who barely knows he's alive.
348
00:13:17,989 --> 00:13:19,991
No, I think you are reading
way too much into a drawing.
349
00:13:20,035 --> 00:13:21,130
I draw Garfield too.
350
00:13:21,131 --> 00:13:22,985
I don't want to have sex
with Garfield. I'm not Jon.
351
00:13:24,996 --> 00:13:27,956
- Stop!
- [Laughs]
352
00:13:27,999 --> 00:13:30,524
Emma is the spitting image
of you by the way.
353
00:13:30,567 --> 00:13:33,585
Oh, I know. I'm trying not to cry.
354
00:13:34,702 --> 00:13:37,400
Yesterday she was this
little girl in pigtails
355
00:13:37,444 --> 00:13:38,532
running around the house,
356
00:13:38,575 --> 00:13:41,448
and now she's this smart, confident,
357
00:13:41,491 --> 00:13:42,666
beautiful young woman.
358
00:13:42,710 --> 00:13:44,497
You must be so proud.
359
00:13:45,060 --> 00:13:46,039
I am.
360
00:13:46,757 --> 00:13:50,326
And pretty soon, you're
gonna be at her graduation
361
00:13:50,370 --> 00:13:53,638
and then her wedding, then her funeral.
362
00:13:54,504 --> 00:13:55,592
What?
363
00:13:55,636 --> 00:13:58,726
I mean, you know, someday. Not now.
364
00:13:58,769 --> 00:14:00,258
She's not gonna live forever.
365
00:14:00,902 --> 00:14:02,306
Hopefully you'll die first.
366
00:14:03,182 --> 00:14:03,943
Okay.
367
00:14:05,662 --> 00:14:06,968
I'm gonna go, um,
368
00:14:08,126 --> 00:14:10,856
mingle with some other... over there.
369
00:14:12,244 --> 00:14:13,366
She didn't mean it.
370
00:14:14,089 --> 00:14:17,353
- Oh.
- Wow, she is a robot.
371
00:14:18,789 --> 00:14:20,617
[speaking Spanish]
372
00:14:23,185 --> 00:14:24,882
Hey, have you tried these?
373
00:14:24,926 --> 00:14:27,972
These are called pastelitos de perro.
374
00:14:28,016 --> 00:14:30,671
It's a traditional Honduran food.
375
00:14:30,714 --> 00:14:32,455
Those are pizza rolls.
376
00:14:33,114 --> 00:14:33,978
Oh.
377
00:14:34,022 --> 00:14:35,850
The Honduran food is here.
378
00:14:35,893 --> 00:14:37,808
Oh, well, that's what I want.
379
00:14:37,852 --> 00:14:39,984
I'm not some boring gringo, you know.
380
00:14:40,028 --> 00:14:42,465
Well, give that spice.
Show me the mole.
381
00:14:42,509 --> 00:14:45,555
Oh, that's it. [Laughs]
382
00:14:45,599 --> 00:14:46,643
[coughs]
383
00:14:46,687 --> 00:14:48,689
[gulps]
384
00:14:48,732 --> 00:14:54,042
Both: ♪ Did you ever know
that you're my hero? ♪
385
00:14:54,085 --> 00:14:56,653
- You're Emma's hero, Amy.
- You really are.
386
00:14:56,697 --> 00:15:01,136
Both: ♪ Everything I would like to be ♪
387
00:15:01,179 --> 00:15:04,487
- You're her role model.
- She's your only daughter.
388
00:15:04,531 --> 00:15:09,413
Both: ♪ I can fly higher
than an eagle ♪
389
00:15:09,414 --> 00:15:11,755
- Leaving the nest so soon.
- Never coming back.
390
00:15:11,799 --> 00:15:16,804
Both: ♪ You are the wind
beneath Emma's ♪
391
00:15:16,847 --> 00:15:23,854
♪ Wings ♪
392
00:15:25,813 --> 00:15:29,425
Thank you, guys. Very cool. Thank you.
393
00:15:29,469 --> 00:15:32,428
[applause]
394
00:15:32,472 --> 00:15:34,430
Do you have the dead grandma
song from "Coco"?
395
00:15:34,474 --> 00:15:36,954
No, no, maybe we should get
back to the dancing.
396
00:15:36,998 --> 00:15:38,303
I think you're gonna wanna hear this.
397
00:15:38,347 --> 00:15:39,696
You're gonna wanna
hear this, definitely.
398
00:15:39,740 --> 00:15:41,698
Like at night, when
you fantasize about me,
399
00:15:41,742 --> 00:15:44,658
do you think of a specific
incident of us having sex,
400
00:15:44,701 --> 00:15:46,703
or is it more just picturing me
there in the moment?
401
00:15:46,747 --> 00:15:48,833
- Please stop.
- All right.
402
00:15:49,619 --> 00:15:51,839
If you're not obsessed with me,
then I guess you won't care
403
00:15:51,882 --> 00:15:53,449
if I ask McLovin over there to dance.
404
00:15:53,493 --> 00:15:55,843
- Be my guest.
- Okay, I will.
405
00:15:55,886 --> 00:15:57,758
Hey, acne...[snaps fingers]
Let's dance.
406
00:15:57,801 --> 00:16:01,022
Me? Yeah. Sure. We did
ballroom in gym one time.
407
00:16:01,065 --> 00:16:03,111
Oh, good.
408
00:16:03,154 --> 00:16:06,723
♪ Party like a movie star ♪
409
00:16:07,338 --> 00:16:08,047
Hey.
410
00:16:09,030 --> 00:16:09,737
Hey.
411
00:16:10,771 --> 00:16:12,076
Everything all right?
412
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,077
[sighs]
413
00:16:13,121 --> 00:16:14,520
Yeah, I hear ya.
414
00:16:16,254 --> 00:16:18,822
Look, I'm sorry about all
the... you know, the ice
415
00:16:18,866 --> 00:16:22,522
and the speech, the towel incident.
416
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,785
I really didn't think
that you were home.
417
00:16:26,874 --> 00:16:28,537
Here's the thing: I...
418
00:16:29,616 --> 00:16:33,054
I really like your Mom
and I know she loves you
419
00:16:33,097 --> 00:16:35,926
and then I get all in my head
about wanting you to like me.
420
00:16:35,970 --> 00:16:37,269
And then...
421
00:16:38,306 --> 00:16:39,571
I am so high.
422
00:16:40,322 --> 00:16:42,081
- What?
- I'm freaking out.
423
00:16:42,933 --> 00:16:43,692
Oh.
424
00:16:44,761 --> 00:16:47,777
♪ Party up, live it up with me, baby ♪
425
00:16:48,433 --> 00:16:51,306
[upbeat pop music]
426
00:16:52,203 --> 00:16:59,210
♪
427
00:17:03,837 --> 00:17:06,057
My cousin Marco brought a vape pen,
428
00:17:06,101 --> 00:17:08,103
and, at first, I didn't feel anything
429
00:17:08,146 --> 00:17:09,713
and so I did some more
430
00:17:09,756 --> 00:17:11,932
and then I wasn't even sure
if there was anything in it
431
00:17:11,976 --> 00:17:13,092
because Marco is a liar
432
00:17:13,093 --> 00:17:15,806
and now I am very feeling
something a lot.
433
00:17:15,849 --> 00:17:18,678
Okay, okay,
it's... it's... it's gonna be okay.
434
00:17:18,722 --> 00:17:20,680
I feel like my heart's
filling with blood.
435
00:17:20,724 --> 00:17:22,769
Then it's doing its job.
436
00:17:22,813 --> 00:17:24,032
Listen, you know what I'm gonna do?
437
00:17:24,075 --> 00:17:25,076
I'm gonna get your Mom...
438
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,904
No, no, you can't tell my parents.
439
00:17:26,947 --> 00:17:29,559
Right. Right. Right. Okay. Okay.
440
00:17:29,602 --> 00:17:33,693
Well, then we're just gonna
sit here and ride it out.
441
00:17:33,737 --> 00:17:37,045
Hey, can I sit with my little princess?
442
00:17:37,088 --> 00:17:38,698
Nah, we're good.
443
00:17:38,742 --> 00:17:39,924
I'd like to sit
with my granddaughter...
444
00:17:39,925 --> 00:17:40,889
Connie, please!
445
00:17:47,185 --> 00:17:49,927
The kid says he thinks
I'm hotter than Tia Carrere.
446
00:17:49,970 --> 00:17:51,885
- Well, no, I...
- Yeah, yeah.
447
00:17:51,929 --> 00:17:53,452
He's super into me!
448
00:17:53,496 --> 00:17:54,855
Okay, cool.
449
00:17:57,021 --> 00:17:58,153
What is she doing?
450
00:17:58,196 --> 00:18:00,155
She's trying to seduce
a 15-year-old kid
451
00:18:00,198 --> 00:18:01,713
in order to make me jealous.
452
00:18:02,589 --> 00:18:04,635
- Is it working?
- Not really.
453
00:18:04,898 --> 00:18:06,770
This is a really nice party.
454
00:18:06,813 --> 00:18:07,858
You know, this whole tent
455
00:18:08,874 --> 00:18:10,384
and the DJ and the centerpieces...
456
00:18:10,385 --> 00:18:12,977
you went... I mean, you went for it.
457
00:18:12,978 --> 00:18:14,777
Yeah, yeah, I did, thank you.
458
00:18:14,883 --> 00:18:17,924
It was really nice
to be able to this for her.
459
00:18:18,092 --> 00:18:18,698
Yeah.
460
00:18:19,048 --> 00:18:20,919
And when it's time for her wedding,
461
00:18:20,955 --> 00:18:24,212
I will...
I will handle the lion's share.
462
00:18:24,213 --> 00:18:26,182
Yeah, yeah, don't sweat it.
463
00:18:26,183 --> 00:18:27,651
It's good. I got it covered.
464
00:18:27,652 --> 00:18:31,090
I actually just bought
some stock in a drone company,
465
00:18:31,091 --> 00:18:32,930
so it's gonna even out pretty quick.
466
00:18:35,125 --> 00:18:36,298
Sounds promising.
467
00:18:36,299 --> 00:18:38,059
Those things are gonna be everywhere,
468
00:18:38,844 --> 00:18:39,770
flying.
469
00:18:42,179 --> 00:18:44,243
This is my first quinceañera!
470
00:18:44,596 --> 00:18:47,158
I love your Latinx traditions.
471
00:18:48,035 --> 00:18:49,650
Huh? How am I doing?
472
00:18:49,784 --> 00:18:50,541
All right,
473
00:18:50,542 --> 00:18:52,474
I'd like to ask everybody
to please clear the floor.
474
00:18:52,517 --> 00:18:54,171
It's now time for
the father-daughter dance.
475
00:18:54,215 --> 00:18:56,086
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
476
00:18:56,130 --> 00:18:57,261
No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
477
00:18:57,305 --> 00:18:59,089
- It's gonna be fine.
- He's gonna know.
478
00:18:59,133 --> 00:19:01,570
He's gonna know.
No, he's not gonna know.
479
00:19:01,613 --> 00:19:02,668
You can do this.
480
00:19:03,963 --> 00:19:05,182
Okay. Okay.
481
00:19:05,226 --> 00:19:06,280
Gonna be great.
482
00:19:07,793 --> 00:19:09,099
[gentle piano music]
483
00:19:09,143 --> 00:19:10,883
[whimpers]
484
00:19:10,927 --> 00:19:15,584
♪
485
00:19:15,627 --> 00:19:18,717
Okay, maybe just try to walk normal.
486
00:19:18,761 --> 00:19:20,154
Is this not normal?
487
00:19:20,197 --> 00:19:22,156
No, no, no, no, no, no,
this is... this is great.
488
00:19:22,199 --> 00:19:24,593
This is how people walk. You got it.
489
00:19:24,636 --> 00:19:26,595
♪ How to be brave ♪
490
00:19:26,638 --> 00:19:28,988
- She looks nervous.
- It's fine.
491
00:19:29,032 --> 00:19:31,600
♪ When I'm afraid?
492
00:19:31,643 --> 00:19:33,558
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
493
00:19:33,602 --> 00:19:34,961
You know what? Sorry.
494
00:19:34,962 --> 00:19:37,649
Uh, I think, actually, we're
gonna try and squeeze one in,
495
00:19:37,693 --> 00:19:39,564
uh, before the father-daughter.
496
00:19:39,608 --> 00:19:40,696
What?
497
00:19:40,739 --> 00:19:42,693
And this is the song we practiced to.
498
00:19:42,694 --> 00:19:45,614
Yeah, uh, well,
we can play it again for you.
499
00:19:45,657 --> 00:19:48,486
You know, I'm sure the DJ has
a repeat button on the thing.
500
00:19:48,530 --> 00:19:49,922
- What?
- Jonah.
501
00:19:49,966 --> 00:19:52,099
- Hmm?
- You need to sit down.
502
00:19:52,142 --> 00:19:55,580
No, no, not until
this song is over, at least,
503
00:19:55,624 --> 00:19:59,149
and maybe... maybe just a few
more after that, you know?
504
00:19:59,193 --> 00:20:01,630
You're makin' it weird, dog.
Just let her go.
505
00:20:01,673 --> 00:20:03,022
Let her go!
506
00:20:03,066 --> 00:20:05,112
Not... not gonna happen, Connie.
507
00:20:05,155 --> 00:20:07,592
♪ I have loved you for... ♪
508
00:20:07,636 --> 00:20:10,073
So this has one terabyte on it.
509
00:20:10,117 --> 00:20:12,162
If you could just put all
the raw footage on there.
510
00:20:12,206 --> 00:20:14,121
You don't have to edit it.
I'll take care of that.
511
00:20:16,210 --> 00:20:17,430
This is fun.
512
00:20:24,870 --> 00:20:28,265
I know. I'm sorry.
I ruined the quinceañera.
513
00:20:28,309 --> 00:20:30,833
I made it weird.
I-I-I don't know why I...
514
00:20:30,876 --> 00:20:31,699
She was high.
515
00:20:32,878 --> 00:20:33,886
She told me.
516
00:20:34,619 --> 00:20:35,304
Ah.
517
00:20:35,751 --> 00:20:37,965
That was a very nice thing you did.
518
00:20:39,233 --> 00:20:41,148
But, uh, for future reference,
519
00:20:41,191 --> 00:20:44,194
the next time my child
is on drugs, tell me.
520
00:20:44,238 --> 00:20:45,174
Got it.
521
00:20:45,891 --> 00:20:48,329
I did see Parker snorting cocaine
522
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,331
off his "Paw Patrol" table last week.
523
00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:51,810
Oh, yeah, no, I knew about that one.
524
00:20:51,854 --> 00:20:55,118
Hey, Amy, you've gotta see
this video of a deaf kid
525
00:20:55,162 --> 00:20:57,076
hearing his mother's voice
for the first time.
526
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:58,861
Um, I'm okay, thank you.
527
00:20:58,904 --> 00:21:00,863
It's really moving, though.
528
00:21:00,906 --> 00:21:02,212
Just not... not right now.
529
00:21:04,736 --> 00:21:06,129
Ow!
530
00:21:06,653 --> 00:21:09,263
Ow! What the hell, Cheyenne?
531
00:21:09,306 --> 00:21:11,787
Um, uh, I'm sorry.
532
00:21:11,830 --> 00:21:13,963
I was just trying something.
It didn't work, okay.
533
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:15,747
Sorry, night, okay.
534
00:21:19,098 --> 00:21:21,100
You really should've kicked her back.
535
00:21:21,941 --> 00:21:24,641
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for www.addic7ed.com
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