Original subtitles

Well, I think we got time for one last caller.

Roz, who have we got?

ROZ: Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Well, I suppose I'll be fielding this last one myself.

Let's try Line 2.

Go ahead, caller. Your name and your problem, please.

ERNIE: Yes, sir. My name's Ernie.

And I'm real angry at my dog.

Okay, Ernie.

Uh, very often, when, uh, people have feelings towards their pets,

it often reflects feelings they have about themselves

and their place in society.

So tell me, why are you angry at your dog?

ERNIE: Well, he keeps telling me to take off my foil helmet.

You hold on, Ernie. Um...

Someone will come on the line

with the number of an expert in this sort of situation.

Let's try, uh, Line 4.

Oh, yes, of course I'm interested. I'll fax my resume right over.

Well, the news is up next,

followed by the market update with Julia Wilcox.

That's it for me today.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying good day and good mental health.

- Another great show, doc. - Did you even listen?

You don't have to eat every Big Mac to know it's a delicious sandwich.

Roz, what's going on?

I'm sorry, but they wanna interview me

for the programme-director job at KPXY.

Well, that's great, but I didn't even know you were looking.

I wasn't. They just called me out of the blue.

I'm actually shocked,

because I have very limited experience in management.

But, well, Kenny's in management.

- How hard can it be? - Well...

Hey, it's not that easy.

I know it looks like a monkey can do my job, but it can't.

True story.

Well, gosh, Roz,

I must say I've got sort of mixed feelings about this.

I couldn't be happier that you're finally getting the recognition you deserve,

but I'm gonna miss you.

Well, let's wait till there's a real offer

before we break out the Kleenex and champagne.

Okay, all right.

Well, Roz, Kenny told me about your job interview.

- Good luck. - Oh, I get it.

It'll be good luck because if I get the job, I'll be gone.

No, it sounds like a good position for you.

Right. Because I get into a lot of sexual positions with a lot of guys.

I'm saying congratulations.

Oh. Thank you.

- What's her problem? - Well, I...

Well, you're being uncharacteristically decent today.

- You all right? - I'm fine.

All right, I might as well tell you before he does.

Avery and I broke up.

Oh. Gosh, uh, what happened?

I got tired of listening to him promise he'd leave his wife. Hmm.

Well, I'm sorry.

- I realise you must be going... - I don't need your sympathy, okay?

I'm not one of your pathetic Code 3 wackadoos.

Well, just trying to help.

No need to insult my callers.

Foil-helmet guy says his dog needs to speak to you.

Oh. Ha, ha. Excuse me.

- Hi, Daph. - Hello.

Never have seen this place so crowded. What's the occasion?

It's Mum's day off. Apparently, there was a mass e-mail.

So is Niles gonna be joining us?

No, he's taking your father to the shooting range.

Yes, yes, of course. I'd forgotten.

He asked me to take him,

but then I suggested that when it comes to guns,

perhaps he would prefer someone of Niles' calibre. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, I'm in rare form today.

You should see this place when they know you're not coming.

JULIA: No, Avery, it's...

Two-thirds of the work on that programme is mine.

Well, I don't have to prove it. It's a fact.

Oh, oh, yeah?

Well, I should have expected as much

from a man who wears leopard-print bikini briefs.

Avery McManus wears shiny acetate man panties.

Excuse me.

- Is everything okay? - No.

Now that I've dumped your bastard accountant,

he's trying to cut me out of our software programme.

Software programme?

We, mostly me,

developed a proprietary method for analysing price/volume momentum...

I call it Vector Scaling.

That can quantify the likelihood of longer-term trends.

Do you realise what that means?

It's good?

That programme is my baby. I have been working on it for months.

I think your bastard accountant has been using me all along.

- Thanks for setting us up. - I did no such thing.

You know what I ought to do? I ought to go down to his office,

demand my files and then trash the place.

All right, just a second.

Just sit down. Sit down, please.

Take a moment to calm down before you make any rash decisions.

In few hours, I'm leaving town for a week.

There's no way I'm leaving your bastard accountant

in control of those files.

All right, well, if you insist, then perhaps I should go with you.

Maybe I can help facilitate things.

Why? What's in it for you?

Nothing.

Surely you can conceive of the possibility

that someone might want to just do something nice for you.

You and Avery are in this together, aren't you?

Of course not. You're not being rational.

You know, perhaps Avery is just holding your programme hostage

because he feels hurt.

Perhaps this is his clumsy way of trying to initiate a dialog.

You really do try to see the best in everyone, don't you?

Yes, I do.

So, what do you see when you look at me?

Well...

I see a woman who's been hurt.

Not once but many times.

A woman who finds it so difficult to trust someone

that she won't allow herself to be vulnerable.

A woman whose eyes are going to get stuck

if she keeps rolling them like that.

Ah. Look at that grouping.

Hey, uh, Dad? You about ready to go?

Guess I still got the touch.

Hey, Niles, you ought to give it a try.

Thanks, Dad. You know how I feel about handguns.

- They breed violence. - Oh, come on.

This is just simple target shooting, that's all.

Yeah.

Here's one dirtbag who isn't gonna be selling crack

at any schoolyards anytime soon. Ha.

You should listen to the man. Shooting's a great sport.

- Ah. - Red Brewer.

And these clowns here are Mitch and Wayne.

- Hey. - Hello, Wayne, Mitch.

I'm Niles Crane. This is my father, Martin Crane.

- How are you doing, guys? - Nice to meet you.

Let me show you how to do this.

I think you'll enjoy it. It's pretty simple.

You just take a solid stance, hold the grip firmly,

steady your gun hand with your other, fingers to fingers, thumbs to thumb.

Focus on the front sight and squeeze the trigger.

Okay? You try.

Oh, you know, no of fence,

but I just... I'm not real comfortable with guns.

You know, Mitch used to be that way too.

Yeah. The only weapon I'd go near was a bow and arrow.

I got a archery badge at day camp.

This is like archery, but safer.

The weapon's more stable and you're in a controlled environment.

- Go on, give it a try, son. - Well, I...

- Just... I'll do one little one. - Okay, just remember.

- Stance, grip, aim, relax, shoot. - Okay.

Stance, grip, aim, relax.

Shoot.

- Did I do it? - You not only did it, you hit the target.

See? Sixth ring out.

Look at the kid. Hit the target his first time.

MITCH: Not bad, kid. WAYNE: Way to go, kid.

That's my kid.

That was a unique experience.

I'm sure I'll dine out on that story for months.

Don't quit now. Go again.

But remember, this time, squeeze the trigger.

- Don't pull. - Okay.

Squeeze.

Squeeze.

Oh-ho-ho, wow.

You're pretty good at this.

- The kid's a natural, am I right? MARTIN: Yeah.

- Can I go again? MARTIN: Yeah.

Squeeze.

Yeah.

- What took you so long? - I was looking for street parking.

Do you have any idea how much this garage charges?

- Avery's not here. - Oh, great.

- It cost me $3.50 to find that out. - No, it's good.

It'll make it easier for me to get my programme back.

- What do you mean? - I know his keypad code.

What? That is breaking and entering.

If you're so scared, why don't you just leave?

Well, I'm not scared. I just...

I'll have you know I've had my fair share of escapades.

Back in med school, I once dressed a cadaver in cap...

Oh, here's my programme. Okay, good.

Now, just in case he backed it up,

I am going to delete everything from his hard drive.

Julia, I beg you to rethink this. I realise you're angry at Avery...

I'm not feeling anger.

Just the peace that comes with knowing

that Avery will be royally screwed

by me.

There's somebody at the door.

It's the cleaning woman.

I thought so. I've hidden from her before.

- Julia, there's still time to end this. - Shh.

Look, you know that what you're doing is wrong.

You should just get out now before more harm is done.

Will you shut up?

It's pointless to hide in the closet if people outside can hear you.

- You're gonna get caught. - Because you won't shut up.

It's never too late to do the right thing.

No matter how low someone else sinks,

joining them there does not make things better.

- What was that? - What?

- You kissed me. - I was trying to shut you up.

Oh, no. I've been kissed to shut me up before.

This was not that.

Got it. All files deleted.

You know, that didn't make me feel as good as I thought.

That's because you know you did the wrong thing.

Ah. That's better.

Well, it doesn't look like I'll be leaving KACL anytime soon.

Coffee to go, please.

Well, dear Lord, what happened, Roz?

Turns out the person who's interviewing me is a guy I slept with.

What are the odds?

It was ten years ago at a convention in Cancun.

- We were all hammered. - Oh, I'm surprised you remember him.

Well, it's hard to forget when you wake up

with a nametag on your pillow that says:

"Hola, my name is Woody Wiswell."

So, what's the problem?

There's just something weird about it.

I don't know, maybe I'm freaking myself out

because I'm not sure I'm ready for this job yet.

Of course you are, Roz. I mean, come on, don't doubt yourself.

They're the ones that called you, right? You go down there and you get that job.

You're gonna make a great programme director.

- You really think I will? - Of course I do.

Even though I wish you could stay with me forever.

I'm gonna miss you so much, Roz.

Oh, stop it. I don't even have the job yet.

You're gonna jinx it. Thank you.

Listen, I better go and get my presentation together

so I can impress Woody Wiswell.

Seems to me you've impressed him already.

JULIA: Hello. FRASIER: Julia.

- May I have a latte to go, please? - Listen, Julia, Julia.

I've been dying to talk to you about what happened at Avery's office.

Obviously something is going on, and I have several hypotheses.

It could be displaced passion. Frustration from a failed relationship.

Or an adrenaline-induced action as a result of the stress

we were both suffering from by being locked...

Oh, Frasier, for once in your life, would you please shut up?

- Hello. MARTIN: Oh, hi.

NILES: Hey, Frasier.

Fras, you look a little down. Everything okay?

Uh, two coffees, please.

Dad, if you had any perspicacity whatsoever,

you would know that this expression is merely ruminative perplexity.

My bad.

It's nothing serious. I'll work it out.

You know where I like to work things out? The shooting range.

Good Lord, Niles, are you still going down there? I thought you hated guns.

Oh, believe me, I never expected I'd like it as much as I do,

but when you're in that booth focused on precision and accuracy,

it's not dissimilar to meditation, wouldn't you agree, Dad?

I just like to shoot stuff, son.

Fair enough. You should join us.

There's a great bunch of guys I shoot with. I think you'd like them.

Well, I'm not sure I'd fit in with a bunch of trigger-happy gun nuts.

Now, don't stereotype them.

These are decent family men who enjoy marksmanship.

It's a good group we've got. Dad and I are going this afternoon.

- I don't think I'm gonna come today. - Well, it's Mitch's birthday.

Well, I usually go shooting twice a year or so,

and after this week, I've had my fill.

- Thank you. - Well, I'm still going.

My shooting's getting better and better.

Plus the gun show's in town. The guys are bringing me passes.

MARTIN: Hmm.

A gun show? What's next, square dancing?

Maybe.

This country was built by gun-toting square dancers.

So I really appreciate you bringing me in for this interview.

I've been listening to your station for a while,

and I prepared a little presentation

that I think will show you what I can bring to the KPXY family.

Oh, that's not necessary. I mean, this is just a formality.

Trust me, I know what you can do.

- Really? - Yeah.

I already told the guys about you.

What exactly did you tell them?

Oh, you know, how incredible you are.

Okay, look, I think there's something that needs to be said here.

Why don't we just get it all out in the open?

Yes, we slept together in Cancun, but I don't want that to affect the job.

- I mean, it was ten years ago... - What are you talking about?

Uh, look, I think you have me mistaken for someone else.

No, I think I would remember a name like Woody Wiswell.

I mean, seriously, who's named Woody Wiswell?

Yeah, well, just me and my dad.

Darling, I just don't think you need an ankle holster

when you don't even own a gun.

Well, first of all, who says it's for me, Miss I-Never-Surprise-You-Anymore?

And second of all, I'm thinking I might own a gun soon.

- No, you won't. - No, no, no, don't worry.

I would keep the gun in a locker at the shooting range.

I would never have a gun in the same house as your mother.

Now they're saying Daisy Duke may not get here.

- Hey. WAYNE: Hey, how's it going, kid?

NILES: Hey, you guys, how are you? - Hey, buddy.

Listen, I want you to meet my wife, Daphne.

This is Red and Wayne and Mitch, the guys I was telling you about.

- Nice to meet you. RED: Hi.

Listen, kid, we've been talking it over,

and since we get along so well at the club,

we'd like to invite you down to our compound in Idaho for a weekend.

A compound. That's just like the Kennedy's.

- That sounds smashing. - Hey, that's the spirit.

See, I told you. Hey, you're good at math, right?

Come help me guess how many shells are in that jar

so I can win the ATV.

Ooh, excuse me. What kind of TV?

RED: Nice to meet you, ma'am. - Oh, Red, hold on a sec.

Uh, just what kind of place do you guys have in Idaho?

Run-of-the-mill compound in the wilderness.

Free country where we live by the true constitution.

Oh.

They're those militia people.

You fix this, now.

- This is fun, huh? - Uh, son, I...

What your father means is

you shouldn't be friends with these people.

- These are not your kind of guys. - Why not?

- Let's go and we'll talk in the car. - Oh, I can't believe you two.

You're always telling me my friends are too artsy and too snooty.

I finally have friends who are regular guys,

you don't like them either?

I'm having a good time,

and I'm enjoying being a regular guy myself.

But, Niles, we think they wanna overthrow the government.

That's what you say about public television.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

He)', guys, What are you doing?

We're chipping in for this gas-powered generator.

We're gonna need it when it comes time for the new world order.

Well, that sounds great. Excuse me just a second.

Okay, they're militia. Go, go, go.

I just don't understand how this sort of thing can happen.

Don't you look at faces?

It was a long time ago. It was dark.

And get off my case because it doesn't matter anyway.

- I got the job. - Oh, congratulations.

Roz, I'm so proud of you.

- Now can I tell you how I'll miss you? - Yes. Ha-ha-ha.

It is gonna be sad to leave the station.

But it's not like I'm leaving town, Frasier.

I know, I know.

I'll see you.

- See you, Roz. - Bye.

FRASIER: Julia? Julia?

Julia? All right.

Now, listen, you can try to avoid me all you like.

- We are gonna talk this thing out. - Fine, fine.

Anything to get you off my back.

I was looking at you in the closet

and thinking how you always try to do the right thing,

and I felt a rush of affection for you.

Call me cynical, but I've come to accept

that most people live by the rule of "screw or be screwed."

But to see you and how much you care

and really mean it, I...

Well, it's endearing.

Irritating, but endearing.

Well, you know, I am flattered,

but there are a lot of genuine people out there.

It's just that for whatever reason,

fear, anger, hurt, they're afraid to show it.

Oh, it's just like the feeling you get

when you see a cute teddy bear in a store

and you wanna hug it until its head pops off.

Could I possibly irritate you over dinner some night?

Well, if anyone could, it'd be you.

Take your time.

Work things out. I'm not going anywhere.

I realise that you're in a vulnerable place right now, and that...

Oh, I recognise that one. That was to shut me up.

Yup.

Maybe Thursday.