Original subtitles

Gosh, it's been such fun talking about psychopharmacological solutions

to maladaptive personality traits

that I can't believe that three hours is almost gone.

Up next is the news, followed by...

Oh, but Roz is reminding me

that next Saturday is the first annual KACL AIDS Bike-a-thon.

It's bound to be an afternoon of family fun and lots of surprises.

So dust off your velocipedes, and I'll see you there.

Great pitch, doc. So, uh, what are the surprises?

Well, first and foremost, I'm not going.

You just told them you'd see them there.

Yes. Roz, I'm merely getting the rubes into the tent.

I will gladly give my money,

but spending the afternoon riding bicycles

with a bunch of hooligans is not my idea of fun.

- It's just kids and families. FRASIER: Yes.

Well, so was the KACL family picnic at the zoo.

Until those urchins jostled me into the Orangutan Grove.

Let me tell you, orangutans are not the playful gentlemen

of the trees the nature shows claim.

Hello.

- Hey, Julia. - Julia.

You're going to the Bike-a-thon, right?

Oh, don't embarrass her, Kenny.

I mean, it's gotta be tough finding a comfortable bike seat

when you're such a tight-ass.

This from a woman who peddles her ass all over town.

- Okay, lady... - All right, stalemate.

Well done, well done. Keep moving, come on.

So Bike-a-thon. You're in, right?

No, I can't be bothered. I'll just send a cheque.

Oh, cheese and rice. What's wrong with you people?

Relax, Kenny, I'm just pulling your leg.

How can I not go?

This is funding AIDS research, for God's sake.

I know you think I'm heartless

and self-centered, but at least give me credit for being human.

Well, Frasier's not going.

What? Kenny.

Come on.

Come on, I was pulling your leg too.

I'll tell you what.

We should have a fundraiser for your sense of humour.

All right, I'll see you there.

- You're pathetic. - I know.

MARTIN: Hold it.

- Cora, hi. - Marty.

Visiting your son?

Yes.

Cora, I'm sorry, but I gotta ask you.

What happened?

I thought we had a pretty nice thing,

but then you stopped returning my calls.

Why don't you ask your other girlfriend?

What other girlfriend?

That bizarre English lady who told me to leave you alone,

because she was in the British Secret Service

and had a licence to kill.

Here's your stop.

Oh, jeez, that was Daphne's mother.

She had a thing for me, but it was never mutual.

Did she show you a badge?

Always ask to see a badge.

I knew she wasn't a secret agent.

But she was pretty convincing about the two of you.

Oh, Cora, I'm so sorry. It's not true.

I'm sorry too. I should have asked about her.

Well, hey, it's cleared up now.

Maybe we could pick up where we left off.

Or skip ahead. Ha, your choice.

That would've been nice, but I've been seeing someone lately.

Oh, well, sure, of course you have. Stupid of me.

But I'm very glad to see you again.

- Please give Eddie my love. - Oh, yeah.

He'll be sorry he missed you.

He liked your ankles.

Oh, sorry for the holdup, guys.

Uh, listen, I think it's best

if we take separate cars to the flower show.

See, later I have to go buy a bicycle.

NILES: For whom? - Well, for me.

I've been dragooned into riding for the KACL AIDS Bike-a-thon.

Poor devil, spending a day on a bike.

I don't envy you.

Niles, why don't we enter the Bike-a-thon?

You had to see that coming.

We can all go to the shop together after the flower show.

Sure, why not?

Oh, you two would look so cute on matching bicycles.

Well, I guess it would be a kick, eh, Frasier?

Not you two, you nit. You and Daphne.

- You. - Hello.

I just had a very interesting conversation with Cora Winston.

Seems someone claiming to be my girlfriend scared her off.

Oh, dear, is she the woman from the bookstore?

No.

The bookstore?

Mum, is this true?

Well, I'm sure I don't know what Marty's talking about,

but it was probably back when we were an item.

We were never an item!

Now, I would like for you to leave.

Now, Dad, calm down, listen.

I'm sure you can talk this over with Cora

- and have a good laugh afterwards. - Ha, ha, very funny,

now that she's practically married to this guy.

Oh, Martin, I'm sorry. I guess I didn't realise...

Apology not accepted. You went too far.

We are no longer speaking.

- Marty! - No, no, Mrs. Moon, Mrs. Moon.

Shut up.

Uh, Dad, uh, we're... We're leaving now.

We're going over to the flower show, then after that

we're gonna go to a sporting-goods store and buy a couple of bikes.

Nice try, Frasier, but I'm too mad to laugh.

Oh, this one has good lines. Uh, you have any without this bar here?

You mean girls' bikes? Sure.

Good, because my wife's a girl, and she'll need one of those.

Right. Maybe I'll go see how she's doing.

Niles, we can't stall much longer.

I mean, one seems as good as the next.

Is there anything else we need?

Hmm, let me see. Oh, yes, I know.

- We need to know how to ride them. - Shh, shh!

- We will learn. - Oh, as easy as that?

Look at these machines, Frasier. These are bicycles.

Nothing between you and the ground but the ground itself.

Yes, and if a child of 4 can ride one, then so can we.

That's what we said when we were 6.

If Daphne finds out, she'll probab... Uh.

- Metal spokes. I like that. - Yeah.

- Guess you buy the horn separately. - Uh-huh.

That was close.

Niles, I am not going to look like an idiot at that Bike-a-thon.

Tonight, I'm going to a parking lot, and come hell or high water,

I am going to master cycling.

You're welcome to join me.

I guess I could sneak out.

Perhaps it's time to slay the dragon.

That's the stuff, brother.

Call me crazy,

- but I like a bouncy tire. - Ha, ha.

Two bouncy tires and a taut chain.

That's good riding.

Where did you learn all that? That was really good.

- It's a matter of confidence, Niles. - Hmm.

All a matter of confidence, he says.

Yes, well, perhaps two people who don't know how to ride bikes

shouldn't try to teach each other.

Good teacher doesn't yell at his student.

Nor does a good teacher throw a stick at his student.

I thought it would make you try harder.

Oh, you're gonna make a hell of a dad.

- What are we gonna do? - Let's not panic.

We still have two days before the Bike-a-thon.

Surely the library has shelves devoted to this topic.

I don't have time for that.

Daphne wants to go biking tomorrow afternoon.

You're gonna have to tell her you don't know how to ride.

I can't. It's too late.

If I was going to, I should've done it at the bike store.

But, no!

You! You said we could teach ourselves.

- Niles... - You said no one would be the wiser.

- Niles... - "Two bouncy tires and a taut chain."

And now look, my spokes are bent, my pants are stuck,

and there's blood on the headlight.

- And blood everywhere. - Niles, Niles, Niles.

Niles, that wasn't your fault.

That jogger should have been wearing a reflective vest.

Come on, come and sit down. I'm gonna get you a nice sherry.

- Hi, Frasier. - Oh, hi, Roz.

You're welcome to join me and Niles.

Oh, I can't.

I'm on my way to meet Alice and her sitter.

Alice wants to practise riding her bicycle for Saturday.

- Really? - Mm-hm. She loves it.

I mean, she had that bike one day

before she made me take her training wheels off.

Tell me, does she ever find that she feels as though her feet

are frozen to the pedals?

Stuck in a confused arrhythmic battle between forward and reverse,

until finally, with no locomotive momentum whatsoever,

she keels over like a felled tree?

I don't think so.

Oh, good, good, because

that's a real thing that happens to some kids.

- Hey, Frasier. - Oh, hi, Daph.

- Mrs. Moon. - Thank you.

DAPHNE: Niles, darling. - Sweetie.

DAPHNE: I have some bad news. - Oh, what is it?

Someone stole our new bikes.

My God, are you sure?

Can I get a refill? That's terrible.

You know, that's curious, Niles.

Didn't that salesman say that nothing could break those titanium locks?

You're right. I must not have locked them properly.

Foolish Niles.

You know, I spotted a couple of bikes

in the storage room behind the furnace.

Perhaps you could borrow those.

No, I don't think so.

The theft has soured me on the whole bike experience.

And what were you doing behind the furnace, anyway?

Drinking.

- Hello, Daphne. FRASIER: Dad.

DAPHNE: Hi. - Niles, Frasier.

Hello, Martin.

How are the three of you doing?

- Mind if I join you? - Sure.

Oh, you're not still angry, are you?

Coffee, please.

- Hi. Wow. NILES: Roz.

- Everybody's here today. FRASIER: Yeah.

Grab a seat. I'd love to have a lady sit next to me.

ROZ: Thanks, I can't. I'm on my way to the park.

I just got a call from the babysitter. Alice did a wheelie.

ALL: Oh, wow.

- Well, I'll see you guys later. - That's great, Roz. Bye-bye.

Well, someone's raising a real little show-off.

Now, now, not everyone was meant to ride a bike.

What does that mean?

Well, I'm just saying that my boys are good at other things.

Indoor things.

Oh, no.

- You don't mean...? - Yes, Daphne.

Frasier doesn't know how to ride a bike.

Well, neither do you.

- Frasier. - Well, she was bound to find out.

We never learned.

I tried teaching them,

but I had to take them to the hospital so many times.

Social Services started sniffing around.

All these years, it's been our secret shame.

Yes, and it hasn't been easy concealing it either.

People are always saying in conversation:

"It's just like riding a bike."

I can smile and nod,

but I only understand it in theory.

We tried to teach ourselves to ride last night.

Oh, can you imagine a sadder tableau?

Two grown men trying to gain mastery over a child's toy and failing miserably.

NILES: Even more pathetic,

a grown man faking the theft of his and his wife's bicycles.

I disgust myself.

I'm so sorry, Daphne.

Niles, you've no need to apologise. Lots of people don't know how to ride.

- Really? - Who?

It doesn't matter.

I can take you to the park and teach you. I'll teach you both.

- Really, Daphne? DAPHNE: Yeah.

Daphne, I adore you.

No, seriously, who?

Thank you, Daphne.

You know, I'm afraid my bike may be too damaged to ride.

Oh, so we'll borrow one from someone in the building.

I promise you, you two are gonna learn how to ride bikes.

MARTIN: Ah, you're a good wife, Daphne.

And I'll bet you were a good daughter when your mother was alive.

- Helmet. - Check.

- Pads. - Check.

- Cup. - Check.

All right.

Now, remember, keep your eyes open and pedal quickly.

I just wanna get an idea of your individual skill levels.

- All right, everyone ready? - Yeah.

And go.

Okay. Good start.

Now, let's try again, but this time, further apart.

FRASIER: Okay.

- I think this is gonna be all right. - Yeah, yeah, this isn't so bad.

All right, and go.

Yes, very...

Yes.

It's that damned sycamore.

It's got a magnetic hold on me.

That's because you keep focusing on it.

Whatever you do, put it out of your mind.

The more you think about it, the worse it gets.

You're a cloud, scudding across a clear blue sky.

- I'm a cloud, I'm a cloud. NILES: You're a cloud.

I'm a cloud.

I'm a cloud.

Ha, ha, I am a cloud! I'm flying.

Look, I'm riding a bike! Ha, ha.

I heard you. I'm coming.

Hello.

Oh, jeez.

Look, I'm sorry, I'm still ticked.

I'm not proud of it, but I have to do the right thing,

and that means hold this grudge.

Ah! You're talking to me. I knew you would.

Oh, you're here to see Marty?

Actually, I think not.

No, no, this isn't what it looks like.

I'm here to apologise.

But since he's not talking to me, I guess I can say my piece to you.

Now, first of all, don't be scared.

I'm not a secret agent, and I don't have a licence to kill.

Back when I said all that to you,

I wasn't really in my right mind, anyway.

I mean, I just separated from my husband,

and, well, maybe I hoped Marty would be some kind

of knight in shining armour.

But we were never a couple, though.

It was a pretty rotten thing you did.

Yes, I know, dear. Just awful.

In my defence, I've done much worse.

And besides, between you and the girl at the bookstore,

I liked you better.

Son of a bitch.

Cora. Hi, come on in.

- Hi, I ran into a friend of yours. - Oh, ha, ha.

She's no friend of mine.

Well, she had some nice things to say about you.

Maybe we could talk about it at dinner tomorrow.

I thought you were seeing someone.

I don't see him here.

Oh, I guess not. Pick you up at 7?

Seven it is.

So, uh, who's this girl from the bookstore?

See you tomorrow.

Yeah.

Never thought I'd see the day. This is really something.

Thanks, Dad.

That's right. You faced your fears and you bested them.

- Yeah, thanks to you. Mm. - Oh.

And who knows, maybe this is just the beginning.

There's still mountains to conquer.

- The diving board, for instance. - Or cartwheels.

- Be careful out there, son. - I will, Dad. Thanks.

I guess I better go take my place, huh?

- Okay. - All right.

Kenny, Julia.

- Hey, doc. - Hi.

- So have a good ride. - Not gonna happen.

These shorts are already bunching me something fierce.

Excuse me.

Well. Pretty exciting.

Thrilling.

You don't mind if we don't ride together, do you?

- I like to go at my own pace. - No, not at all.

You don't have to feel like you have to keep up.

Right, well, what do you say we make it interesting?

What do you have in mind?

Last one to cross the finish line doubles the other's pledges.

You're on.

And I look forward to watching you write that big, fat cheque.

- Ha, ha. NILES: Frasier.

Keep your eye on the road

and don't fixate on anything you can crash into.

- Right. NILES: Good luck.

Boy, I hope I can steer around that big mailbox right there.

Ciao.

- Frasier? - Are you okay?

I'll be all right.

Why don't you guys go ahead? I'll... I'll catch up to you.

Okay.

Whoa, hey.

Oh, oh, Lord. Wha... Pardon me. Beep beep!

Ha, ha. Oh. Oh, gosh.

Oh. Oh, no, no.

Oh, dear God!