All language subtitles for Me, MYSELF & I 1x06 - New Job (English)

My name is Alex Riley...

And this is the story..

Of my life.

Okay, here we go.

I make this,
they buy our pitch tomorrow.

Don't be nervous.

You are the greatest indoor
Nerf basketball player

this garage has ever seen.

Sink this.

- Two out of three?
- Of course two out of three.

Yeah, who shoots just one? Come on.

A good friend is always
there when you need them.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

A good friend believes
you're capable of anything.

- I'll see you after school.
- Can't wait.

You got a date with Nori Sterling?
High five.

I'm just helping her with her
math homework after school.

I'll just save this for later.

Yeah, I don't think anything's

ever gonna happen with us.

These things take time...

weeks, months, even a year.

Don't give up.

Believe me, Darryl.

If we're not together in a year,

there's no way I'm still gonna like her.

I still like her.

A good friend is someone who tells you

what you need to hear.

Dude, it's been 50 years.
She has a fianc�.

It's never going to happen.

You know, you're right.

Okay, thanks for coming by, Darryl.

- I'll see you later.
- What are you doing?

I got tons of errands to run,

and then I'm gonna have lunch with Abby.

- Lunch with Eleanor at noon.
- What? No, no, no...

You told me to clear
your schedule, so...

- Power down now.
- But...

And a good friend always forgives you

when you lie to him.

Good luck with those errands, buddy.

Hey, you got it right.

Yes, I actually understand algebra.

You're such a good teacher.

- No, you are.
- Huh?

I mean, I like your necklace.

Oh, this? It's awful.

My aunt gave it to me and
my mom made me wear it

'cause we're visiting her later.

I hate turquoise.

Yeah, me too. Your necklace is stupid.

Hey, study buddies.

Hey, Alex, when you're done,

I thought we could get going
on the family time capsule.

Hey, Dad, can I throw this
empty cup of yogurt in there?

Son, it's not a trash can, okay?

It's a time capsule.

It's meant to be a snapshot
of the things we liked

when we dig it up in 25 years.

I really like the yogurt.

Not a trash can.

Hey, Alex, what do you wanna
put in this puppy?

I can't think about this today, Ron.

After I'm done helping Nori,

I've gotta come up with something

for the Invention Convention.

If I win, it'll scream to the school...

I am Alex Riley, master inventor.

You sure you wanna scream that?

I think it's cool.

Huh. Different time.

I have a good feeling about this spot.

You said that on the last five holes.

I thought you had a map.

Well, it's been 25 years.

I have no idea where the map is.

Well, this is the last hole, man.

I got a pitch to get to.

Oh, wait.

I think I hit it.

Peter? Who's Peter?

That's Justin's old hamster
that ran away from home.

Oof.

Now, I know it sounds ambitious,

but this idea has the potential

to change the lives of thousands.

If not millions of people every day.

We can actually use the
energy of moving cars

to power an entire city.

There is no reason that going green

doesn't mean making green.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is the Riley Industries
Kineti-Park 5000.

That is a fantastic idea.

Truly, one of the most inspired
pitches I have ever heard.

Unfortunately, I can't buy it.

Okay, we'll just

save these for later.

Prohibitively expensive?

What does that even mean?

It means they can't afford
to make the prototypes.

I know what it means. I'm just venting.

Look, it sucks, okay?

But we've been down this road before,

and we always bounce back.

We're out of places to
pitch and I'm out of money.

I'm 39 years old and I'm
living in your garage...

Something's gotta give.

You're 40, Alex.

Oh, you're making it worse.

Look, it'll all be okay.

I gotta use the facilities.

All right.

- Alex.
- Oh, hey.

Glad I caught you.

Yes, hi, I was just

sliding down the wall.

Again, great work earlier.

Sorry we couldn't buy your pitch.

Yeah, things happen.

Sorry we won't be able
to join the bidding war.

You guys validate parking, right?

Hey, I have a proposition for you.

We could really use an
innovator like yourself.

How would you feel about
coming to work here at NHI?

Work here?

Wow, um,
I would have to talk to Darryl...

Oh, Darryl's great, yeah.

But we just want you.

We've been looking for a new
VP of research and development

and we think you would be perfect.

Why me?

I mean, I know why, it's very obvious,

but why me?

Too many people in this industry are

all style and no substance.

You're the exact opposite.

All substance, no style?

You will be well compensated
with a great benefits package.

Pension, paid vacation.

Think about it.

- Ready to go?
- Go where?

I'm perfectly happy with
where I am at right now...

Oh, you mean leave this place.

Yes, let's go.

Well, thank you for lunch, Eleanor.

Of course.

Just consider it payment for your help

in the diner last week.

Ah, you know what, in that case,

ignore the invoice when
it comes in the mail.

Wow, look how awful that necklace is.

That's right.
You always hated turquoise.

Good memory.

So, what is on the agenda

for a retired billionaire
on a Wednesday?

Actually, I have to find
somebody to fix my roof.

That's right. Billionaires...

we're just like you.

Alex,

my fianc�'s a roofer.

Oh? Is that so?

Yeah, he's excellent.
You should call him.

Unless that would be weird for you.

Weird? Why would that be weird?

Just because a few weeks ago

I swept you in my arms
and kissed you in the most

romantic moment of my entire life?

I'm totally over that.

- All right, so, you'll call him?
- Yes, of course I'll call him.

My roof needs fixing,
your fianc�'s a roofer.

I knew you came back into
my life for a reason.

Hey, you ever think about
what you would be doing

if you weren't doing this?

Like, for work?

You mean, if you and I
weren't in business together?

Yeah.

Well, I'd probably
go back to my college job...

assassin for hire.

Come on, man, I'm being serious.

I mean, what would you do?

I don't know.

Wendy's dad is always calling me

to come work for his consulting firm.

It'd be brutal, though.

You know, dude took one trip to Italy

and it's all he ever talks about.

Yeah, I remember
his toast at your wedding.

Ugh.

When he compared the layers of your love

to a lasagna that he had in Florence.

Then it kind of all
became about lasagna.

How about you?

What would you do if we
weren't working together?

Wow, uh...

If I had to think about it, I'd probably

take the job I was offered today...

or I would become an assassin for hire,
that sounds like fun.

Wait, wait, wait.

You were offered a job?

Yeah.

After our pitch,
that executive offered me a job and

I've been thinking about it.

What's there to think about?

The fact that I'm not 25 anymore.

That I have a daughter that I
probably shouldn't be raising

in the same space that
spiders raise their young.

Look, you're going
through a rough patch.

I'm feeling it too.

But you don't throw all this away

just for a steady paycheck.

That's easy for you to say.

I mean, you got a wife with a good job

who supports you when things get tough.

I got nothing to fall back on.

I can't believe you're
actually considering this.

I'm more than considering it.

I think I have to do it.

I found a spider in my ear
this morning, man.

Well, at least Wendy will be happy

to get me out of the garage.

Oh, come on, she loves having you here.

Take the job, Alex!

Yeah.

I'll miss her too.

So, this is
the Alex Riley Mush Machine 5000.

Patent pending.

So, what you do is you,
uh, you hit this lever

and some cereal plops down.

And then you eat it before it gets,
like, really milky.

What do you think?

Great idea.

Worst pitch I've ever heard.

Hey.

I'm sorry, but it needs flair

and a better name and

much less use of the word plop.

I only said plop once.

I know.

Look, a good idea is a good idea.

Doesn't matter how you pitch it.

Ask anyone.

And then you eat it

before it gets really milky.

So,

does it add mush or take away mush?

Yeah, I'm confused... What plops down?

You know, I don't care for that word.

Mm-mm.

Are you serious?

Okay, Mom, do you like it?

Sweetie, you're my son.

I'm going to love it even if I hate it.

Wait.

Has this ever happened to you?

You pour yourself a delicious,

fresh bowl of cereal in the morning,

only to discover that moments later,

all of your crunchy oats
and sweet marshmallows

are drowning in a bowl
of multicolored sludge.

- Happens to me all the time.
- All the time.

Well, that's all a thing of the past,
thanks to this:

the Alex Riley Crunch Controller Pro.

Patent pending.

- Oh.
- That's cool.

Push this lever, and out pours

one exact spoonful of cereal,

letting you control your own crunch.

Control your own crunch.
That's terrific.

- Wow!
- Yeah.

This I like.

I like yours too, honey.

This job is gonna be an easy fix.

So, how much we looking at?

Oh, no, no, no.

You're a friend. There's no charge,

but I do need a favor.

You have known Eleanor for so long,

I would... I'd love your
advice on a gift to buy her.

She and I had a little
bit of a fight last night.

Oh no. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

She thinks I could be a better listener.

Well, you heard her say that.

I kinda feel like I gotta
buy her a gift or something.

Usually I just make it up to her,
you know, physically.

Ahh, I think she'd prefer a gift.

Maybe jewelry?

I heard her say something
about turquoise.

Turquoise...

Oh.

She loves turquoise.

And then maybe a
classic Richard rubdown.

No, no. No, no.

I think turquoise as
a gift would be fine.

Don't you? Perfect.

Skateboard inside here, huh?

- Whoo!
- Aw!

Can you believe this place?
It's amazing.

I'm surprised they don't have a barista.

I am the barista.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought you worked here.

I do work here. I'm the barista.

Right, no, I thought... I meant...

like a regular employee.

Hey, could I bother you
for a cappuccino?

Coming right up.

Thanks.

Welcome.

She wants to kill me.

Good morning, everyone.

Now, before we begin,

I'd like to introduce a
new addition to our team.

I'm sure he's gonna bring
some great ideas to the table.

Let's all welcome Alex Riley.

Hey, everybody.

Uh, really excited to be here.

This place is incredible.

But I feel like I'm
drinking myself to death.

'Cause I'm, uh, my face is on the

cappuccino.

Well then, let's get to it.

Now, the good people at Juicergizer

want people drinking more juice.

They do? That's fun.

Specifically,
they're looking for a better way

to get the product from the box

into the consumer's mouths.

So, like, like a straw?

Exactly like a straw,

but better.

Right, right, right.

Totally on board.

Team player here.

But, uh, isn't the straw
pretty great already?

Oh, it is.

But now we're going to
make it even greater

because they're paying us to.

All right, let's get to work, people.

I'm Alex.

Well, that's all a thing of the past.

Just push this lever...

...and out pours one
exact spoonful of cereal,

letting you control your own crunch.

And that is the Alex Riley
Crunch Controller Pro.

Patent pending.

Alex Riley, master inventor!

Whoo!

Great presentation, Mr. Riley.

Well, the judges have heard
from our three finalists.

We'll tally up the scores
and announce a winner.

I thought yours was really great.

Thanks.

I thought your refrigerator
backpack was awesome.

It's so heavy.

We have a decision.

The winner of this year's
Invention Convention

and a $10 gift certificate
to Sam Goody...

Alex Riley.

Congrats, One-Nut.

Really happy for you guys.

Thanks.

Thank you, everyone.

This means so much to me.

He's gonna call you up, right?

I mean, you did a bunch of the work.

Oh yeah. He'll call me up.

I did it. I can't believe it.

Me!

I mean, he'll at least
give me a shout-out.

Oh, and before I forget,

I wanna thank one very special guy.

Here it comes.

Mr. Sam Goody!

I assume that's his
new nickname for you?

Whoo!

Hey, Alex.

I just wanted to say again

how much we're gonna
miss having you around.

Thanks, Wendy,
and thanks for putting together

that list of moving companies for me.

No problem.

- And take all the time you need.
- Thank you.

Wendy!

A guy just showed up here

with a bunch of boxes and bubble wrap.

Oh, good, it's here.

Again, no rush.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, how's the new job?

Oh, it's going great.

Yeah, no, I think I'm doing
some really substantial work.

How about you?

You know, I didn't think I was ready

for a nine to five but I like it.

You know, I got a parking spot
with my name on it.

Cool.

I'm glad we're both
really happy and that

we absolutely made the right decision.

Yeah, and tomorrow, Wendy's dad and I...

we're flying out to
Vegas for a conference.

You know,
play a little golf in the morning...

The barista puts my face on coffee.

So, you think him buying
her something turquoise

is gonna break them up?

No, but it'll be a crack
in their relationship.

I'm playing the long game here.

It's been 50 years.

You playing the crazy game here.

Plus, do you really wanna
win her over that way?

No.

I'd rather win her over by saving her

from some sort of crazy
"Dog Day Afternoon"

hostage situation,
but you get what you get

and you don't get upset.

All I'm saying is you
don't have to resort

to lies and some weird Al
Pacino movie fantasies.

You're better than that.

I'm so proud of you, Alex.

Thanks, Mom.

I'm proud of myself.

You know who wasn't proud?

One-Nut. He seemed kinda bummed

when you didn't thank
him in your speech.

You didn't thank him?

I thought you two were partners.

We're not partners.

I come up with the invention,
he just said some words.

The words that the judges liked

that helped you win the competition.

Oh, come on,
I would've won with my own words.

Okay, maybe Darryl
was kind of important.

Come to think of it,

he did seem kind of weird
after the Invention Convention.

Well, yeah, his feelings are hurt.

One-Nut,

zero medals.

I got a good idea that'll get
the creative juices flowing.

Why don't you just say any two words,

see if it sparks an idea.

Seems dumb.

It's better when you use two nouns.

Look, man, why are you trying so hard?

In two weeks we'll suggest
making the straws longer

and call it a day.

That seems like a waste of time.

That's the name of the game.

It's all about wasting time.

Keep your head low, cash those checks,

and in 20 years, you'll retire.

Not trying to change the world here.

Here I am, eating lunch,

watching you stare at Nori Sterling.

It's middle school all over again.

Trade your pickle for
a handful of fries?

Ah, hi,

Eleanor's fianc�.

- That's her fianc�?
- Yeah.

Nice pull, Nori.

I mean, yeah,

if you like rugged,
conventional good looks

and an incredibly sweet demeanor.

I feel terrible.

You let him give her the turquoise?

No.

That's why I feel terrible.

- I'm proud of you.
- Oh, just...

shut up, One-Nut.

Give me the fries.

Got a lot of fries that time.

Hey, Darryl.

Oh, look who's here.

Thought you'd be hanging out
with your new best friend,

Sam Goody.

Look, I just wanted to come
over here and apologize.

For what?

I mean, you know, for...

I mean, come on.

Y-you know.

I do know.

But this time,

I want you to come up with the words.

Look,

you really helped me
on this project, and...

I wanna keep working with you
because we're an awesome team.

And together,
I think we can change the world.

And the truth is, without you,

I would just... plop.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Partners?

Partners.

Oh, and uh, here.

You deserve this as much as I do.

Thanks, but it was your idea.

You should keep it.

But you made it better.

But you made it up.

You know what?

I know exactly what to do with this.

Oh, God, I hope
that's not another hamster.

Nope, we found all the hamsters.

Could be one of the rabbits,

or maybe the duck.

I think this is it.

Finally. Here we go, Alex.

Get ready to be transported
25 years into the past.

Yogurt?

Damn it, Justin.

Oh.

The Crunch Controller Pro.

God, I thought anything
was back possible then.

Well, what changed?

Hey, I gotta catch Darryl
before he flies to Vegas.

Well, that's where I put the map.

Did not think that through.

Oh. Thank God you're here.

Thought you left.

I couldn't get on that plane.

'Cause you're feeling what I'm feeling?

No, because I forgot my ID.

I literally was not allowed
to get on that plane.

Ah.

What are you feeling?

That this was all a mistake,

us breaking up our partnership,

going our separate ways.

What?

I want us to get back together.

I don't know.

I mean, at first you wanted out,
now you want in.

How do I know you won't
change your mind again?

Our first Invention Convention.

We made a promise to change the world.

I'm not ready to give that up yet.

Partners?

Partners.

You know, some things
just can't be improved upon.

You're my straw.

Thanks, man.

Hey, what the hell does that mean?

Sometimes,
a friend pushes us to accomplish

something we could not
have done on our own.

Sometimes, a friend is there
to push you to do what's right

even when it's not what you want to do.

You know what, you're right.

Time to move on. Give them some space.

See what happens.

Guy's a roofer. One gust of wind...

Oh, come on, I'm kidding.

Well, if you really wanna move on,

I know of a great dating site.

And I may have already
started a profile for you.

All you have to do is
answer a few questions.

Your interests, ideal date...

How about I just say I'm a billionaire?

- That'll work.
- Yeah.

And sometimes, that same friend

is there to help you
push forward in life.

How water heater, hockey sticks.

Okay, so a heated hockey stick

that keeps your hands warm

while you are on the ice.

Oh, my God, that's brilliant.

It would be more
brilliant if the players

weren't already wearing gloves.

- Bummer.
- Yeah.

Because while good friends
help you do good things,

it's your best friends that
help you do great things.

Now, wait, what's this?

Oh, that's just some stupid
idea I scribbled down

when I was bored at work.

No, man.

This could change the world.

It doesn't need to change the world.

It just needs to get
you out of my garage.

- She will miss you.
- Yeah.

I'll miss her too.

- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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