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00:00:03,022 --> 00:00:05,641
What a beautiful September morning.
2
00:00:05,745 --> 00:00:07,709
Welcome to Strutting with Sondheim.
3
00:00:07,969 --> 00:00:10,334
You know, a lot of people
think that Sondheim's
4
00:00:10,370 --> 00:00:13,250
music isn't danceable or very catchy.
5
00:00:13,338 --> 00:00:15,190
Well, they can go fuck themselves.
6
00:00:15,302 --> 00:00:17,389
All right, let's all partner up!
7
00:00:17,471 --> 00:00:21,049
Remember, hand to hand, eye
to eye, actual emotions.
8
00:00:21,363 --> 00:00:25,214
Let's make some human connections
today, people, okay?
9
00:00:25,540 --> 00:00:27,961
Excuse me, where are
you going, Barcelona?
10
00:00:28,437 --> 00:00:29,577
Partner up?
11
00:00:29,662 --> 00:00:31,310
I'm not touching a stranger's hands.
12
00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:33,213
Yeah. They'll be all clammy.
13
00:00:33,415 --> 00:00:35,250
If I wanted clams, I'd
go to the oyster bar
14
00:00:35,275 --> 00:00:37,612
and trick a day trader into
buying me some chowder.
15
00:00:37,717 --> 00:00:39,720
You go to the oyster bar?
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00:00:39,849 --> 00:00:41,438
What are you, a prostitute?
17
00:00:41,521 --> 00:00:43,858
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever asked me.
18
00:00:43,940 --> 00:00:45,544
Ugh. Look at that.
19
00:00:45,761 --> 00:00:47,326
"Dr. Doolittle 2."
20
00:00:47,386 --> 00:00:49,671
I'm so glad, because I didn't feel "Dr.
Doolittle 1"
21
00:00:49,719 --> 00:00:52,606
incorporated enough of Eddie
Murphy's homophobic stand-up.
22
00:00:52,714 --> 00:00:54,514
You know, I heard in
this one we get closure
23
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,115
on that night he was a "good Samaritan"
24
00:00:56,153 --> 00:00:57,735
and picked up that trans prostitute
25
00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,600
who later died under
mysterious circumstances.
26
00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:00,636
Well, either way,
27
00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:02,180
he's definitely gonna talk to animals.
28
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,849
Aww, where we met.
29
00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,807
This place should be a
New York City landmark.
30
00:01:08,863 --> 00:01:12,411
Agreed. Okay, next stop on the
"Billy Farewell Tour" checklist,
31
00:01:12,539 --> 00:01:14,659
there are two leather bars
we have to say good-bye to
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00:01:14,696 --> 00:01:15,779
before you leave for LA.
33
00:01:15,804 --> 00:01:17,087
But one is a Sephora now.
34
00:01:17,158 --> 00:01:18,714
We'll go anyway. I need mascara.
35
00:01:18,739 --> 00:01:21,744
Hi! We're looking for the
Broadway Dance School?
36
00:01:21,966 --> 00:01:24,471
Aw, you two are as
bright-eyed and bushytailed
37
00:01:24,506 --> 00:01:26,826
as Gaby Hoffman when she goes
bottomless on "Transparent."
38
00:01:26,850 --> 00:01:28,658
Let me give you a word of advice.
39
00:01:28,719 --> 00:01:31,515
New York is gonna eat you
alive like it's Lea DeLaria
40
00:01:31,577 --> 00:01:33,937
and you're a pretty new extra
on "Orange is the New Black."
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00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:35,474
Go back to Kentucky.
42
00:01:35,569 --> 00:01:38,074
How did you know that my wife
and I were from Kentucky?
43
00:01:38,522 --> 00:01:39,704
Bye.
44
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:47,114
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
45
00:01:47,176 --> 00:01:48,694
What's wrong, Chinese New Year?
46
00:01:48,719 --> 00:01:50,515
Did Malcolm Gladwell
post another podcast
47
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explaining how comedy works?
48
00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:53,865
I'm officially unemployed.
49
00:01:53,972 --> 00:01:56,602
The website I do recaps
for just went under.
50
00:01:56,711 --> 00:01:59,844
Hulk Hogan sued them too. He
was on a roll after Gawker.
51
00:01:59,902 --> 00:02:01,822
Don't worry, Lunchables.
52
00:02:01,897 --> 00:02:03,733
You know I'm the stable breadwinner.
53
00:02:03,808 --> 00:02:05,722
In fact, since PBS moved
to Jupiter, Florida,
54
00:02:05,767 --> 00:02:07,186
I'm even more invaluable.
55
00:02:07,479 --> 00:02:09,283
Yeah, I guess.
56
00:02:09,862 --> 00:02:11,438
Both the Zumba Madam
57
00:02:11,476 --> 00:02:15,108
and the Cannibal Cop remain
in stable condition.
58
00:02:15,182 --> 00:02:18,292
And in non-New York news, a
massive sinkhole in Jupiter,
59
00:02:18,363 --> 00:02:21,911
Florida, has suddenly devoured
the PBS headquarters.
60
00:02:22,053 --> 00:02:24,599
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
61
00:02:24,653 --> 00:02:26,564
Oh, my god.
62
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,389
That's horrible.
63
00:02:28,681 --> 00:02:30,201
On the upside, I never have to see you
64
00:02:30,226 --> 00:02:31,608
in those corduroy shorts again.
65
00:02:31,659 --> 00:02:32,849
- Noodles!
- Sorry.
66
00:02:32,951 --> 00:02:35,105
Please. A little respect?
67
00:02:35,705 --> 00:02:37,369
I just lost most of my colleagues.
68
00:02:37,459 --> 00:02:39,587
We were never warned about
sinkholes growing up.
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00:02:39,625 --> 00:02:41,025
Back on "Gilligan's Island," it was
70
00:02:41,049 --> 00:02:43,268
quicksand this and quicksand that.
71
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:47,015
I have a powerful formative memory
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00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:49,629
of Ginger being tied to a tree.
73
00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:53,343
Somebody got over the death
of his coworkers quickly.
74
00:02:53,464 --> 00:02:55,050
So when you're seating a party,
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00:02:55,118 --> 00:02:56,478
you just want to check it off here
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00:02:56,503 --> 00:02:58,291
so you don't double-book a table.
77
00:02:58,418 --> 00:02:59,502
You got it?
78
00:03:02,143 --> 00:03:05,153
I'm sorry. Um, I'm just gonna ask it.
79
00:03:05,265 --> 00:03:06,513
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Uh...
80
00:03:06,543 --> 00:03:08,135
You're Tony Hale.
81
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:09,240
That's right. That's right.
82
00:03:09,264 --> 00:03:11,041
So why have you decided to wait tables?
83
00:03:11,165 --> 00:03:12,672
- Because...
- I'm Tony Hale.
84
00:03:12,841 --> 00:03:14,593
You're Tony Hale.
85
00:03:14,687 --> 00:03:16,649
I know. I want stability.
86
00:03:16,756 --> 00:03:19,792
Hollywood just chews you
up and spits you out.
87
00:03:20,124 --> 00:03:21,877
My biggest regret was when I gave up
88
00:03:21,992 --> 00:03:24,328
my lunchtime shift at the
Caliente Cab Company
89
00:03:24,442 --> 00:03:26,278
after my second Emmy win for "VEEP."
90
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,607
Well, I'm actually about to move to LA,
91
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,211
and I'm gonna set that town on fire!
92
00:03:30,273 --> 00:03:31,926
Oh, yeah.
93
00:03:31,993 --> 00:03:34,998
I tried to set that town on fire too.
94
00:03:35,073 --> 00:03:36,747
I made it look like an accident,
95
00:03:36,810 --> 00:03:40,149
but the insurance agents know
every trick in the book.
96
00:03:40,335 --> 00:03:41,862
Attention, work family!
97
00:03:41,887 --> 00:03:44,475
I have some exhilarating news
that will wrap up my arc
98
00:03:44,529 --> 00:03:46,837
of wanting to be on a reality show!
99
00:03:46,869 --> 00:03:48,372
You got on a reality show?
100
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:50,503
No, you dirty dunce!
101
00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:52,191
But I did get a final callback
102
00:03:52,231 --> 00:03:54,219
for the reboot of "Supermarket Sweep!"
103
00:03:54,244 --> 00:03:55,251
Yes!
104
00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:56,676
"Supermarket Sweep" is a game show.
105
00:03:56,981 --> 00:04:00,319
Yeah, but on it, I play
myself, which is real.
106
00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:03,954
All I have to do is complete
an extensive personality test.
107
00:04:04,292 --> 00:04:07,505
Matthew, that is so exciting!
108
00:04:09,685 --> 00:04:11,478
Okay, dial it down, Mary.
109
00:04:11,892 --> 00:04:13,060
Behind with hot.
110
00:04:13,085 --> 00:04:14,088
Oh, my god.
111
00:04:14,113 --> 00:04:15,821
Mummenschantz! Not again!
112
00:04:15,937 --> 00:04:17,383
This makeup is just new technique
113
00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:19,428
for avoiding facial recognition cameras.
114
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,769
Hey, sisters. This is Lola.
115
00:04:21,821 --> 00:04:23,461
I'm gonna tell you
what you need to do to
116
00:04:23,485 --> 00:04:25,655
walk through the streets of
New York City undetected.
117
00:04:25,822 --> 00:04:27,031
First you're gonna need.
118
00:04:27,056 --> 00:04:28,475
Scotch tape, black lipstick,
119
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:29,596
a tennis racquet,
120
00:04:29,621 --> 00:04:30,876
and you'll definitely need a shirt
121
00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:31,971
you don't mind setting on fire.
122
00:04:31,995 --> 00:04:33,006
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
123
00:04:33,031 --> 00:04:34,551
You haven't seen her makeup tutorials?
124
00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:37,810
Okay, the camaraderie at
Caliente was so much stronger.
125
00:04:37,904 --> 00:04:40,575
Laugh all you want, but the
CIA doesn't know that I went
126
00:04:40,576 --> 00:04:43,331
to Chop't for lunch. Can
you say the same, Tony?
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00:04:44,668 --> 00:04:45,717
I cannot.
128
00:04:45,963 --> 00:04:47,397
I went to Wendy's.
129
00:04:47,465 --> 00:04:50,127
Can everybody gather around?
We have some news.
130
00:04:51,140 --> 00:04:52,933
It's got nothing to do
with our baby, okay?
131
00:04:52,977 --> 00:04:54,827
Gather around.
132
00:04:54,947 --> 00:04:58,137
So Sephora is buying up
the entire neighborhood
133
00:04:58,213 --> 00:04:59,673
and turning all the East Village
134
00:04:59,738 --> 00:05:01,877
into a sprawling monster location.
135
00:05:02,044 --> 00:05:03,251
What?
136
00:05:03,276 --> 00:05:06,990
Our beloved café will soon
just be some Nars lipliners.
137
00:05:07,919 --> 00:05:10,045
Avenue B is going to
become a giant aisle
138
00:05:10,091 --> 00:05:11,983
of Kat Von D's liquid lipsticks.
139
00:05:12,008 --> 00:05:13,191
That's a good lipstick.
140
00:05:13,216 --> 00:05:14,620
What about the Stomp theater?
141
00:05:14,645 --> 00:05:16,955
The Stomp theater will
remain the Stomp theater.
142
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,912
- Thank god.
- Wait a second. I'm sorry.
143
00:05:18,963 --> 00:05:20,151
Sephora can't just come in
144
00:05:20,183 --> 00:05:21,663
and take over an entire neighborhood?
145
00:05:21,687 --> 00:05:24,695
Now that corporations are a
division of U. S. Military,
146
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,805
they can pretty much
invade wherever they want.
147
00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:29,135
- Panera Breads got nukes.
- Oh, my god.
148
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:30,911
D's Cafe is no more.
149
00:05:31,001 --> 00:05:33,172
Fuck.
150
00:05:33,301 --> 00:05:35,632
Fuck.
151
00:05:35,706 --> 00:05:36,972
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
152
00:05:36,997 --> 00:05:38,637
Right. It's not...
153
00:05:38,661 --> 00:05:40,206
you've been here, like, half a day.
154
00:05:43,046 --> 00:05:44,882
Welcome,
155
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:48,208
surviving members of PBS.
156
00:05:48,761 --> 00:05:51,076
Thank you for meeting
me at my laundromat.
157
00:05:52,043 --> 00:05:54,808
Let's dive in before my towels are done.
158
00:05:54,974 --> 00:05:57,470
We need to go to Congress
to ask for money.
159
00:05:57,674 --> 00:05:59,635
Well, it was Walt
Gleacher's job to testify,
160
00:05:59,717 --> 00:06:01,075
and he died in the sinkhole.
161
00:06:01,114 --> 00:06:02,714
And all of his successors are dead too,
162
00:06:02,784 --> 00:06:05,459
due to unrelated Florida mayhem.
163
00:06:05,847 --> 00:06:07,273
So what are you saying, Gaby?
164
00:06:07,332 --> 00:06:09,332
If you don't make a plea
to Congress, we're done.
165
00:06:09,462 --> 00:06:11,362
Gaby, I have insufferable stage fright.
166
00:06:11,711 --> 00:06:14,320
Are you okay with knowing
that we're never gonna run
167
00:06:14,345 --> 00:06:16,515
another Wilco episode of
"Austin City Limits"?
168
00:06:16,582 --> 00:06:19,002
Or broadcast Micky
Dolenz's one-man show?
169
00:06:19,809 --> 00:06:21,461
No.
170
00:06:21,577 --> 00:06:23,535
I'm not okay with that.
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00:06:24,385 --> 00:06:25,547
Good.
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00:06:25,859 --> 00:06:26,987
Oh.
173
00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:28,014
My towels are done.
174
00:06:29,285 --> 00:06:31,121
Mom, if your AOL keeps crashing,
175
00:06:31,146 --> 00:06:33,571
that's just God's way of
telling you to stop using AOL.
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00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,670
Please, don't evoke God.
Just fix my email.
177
00:06:35,817 --> 00:06:37,272
Okay.
178
00:06:38,292 --> 00:06:39,459
What's your password?
179
00:06:39,546 --> 00:06:41,582
- Marilyn.
- Marilyn.
180
00:06:41,704 --> 00:06:43,457
Mom, you have a lot of unreturned emails
181
00:06:43,482 --> 00:06:45,693
in your trash folder from your editor.
182
00:06:45,737 --> 00:06:48,325
"Where is the manuscript?"
183
00:06:48,399 --> 00:06:49,625
"Final notice"?
184
00:06:50,689 --> 00:06:52,426
Mom, your book is due tomorrow
185
00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:53,793
or else you lose your deal.
186
00:06:53,843 --> 00:06:55,846
I know! I know. I'm scared.
187
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,480
Well, you can't just ignore this
188
00:06:57,558 --> 00:06:58,889
and hope it goes away!
189
00:06:58,924 --> 00:07:00,244
Remember when I forgot to return.
190
00:07:00,268 --> 00:07:01,845
"King Ralph" to Blockbuster?
191
00:07:02,011 --> 00:07:03,731
And then as soon as I
realized it was late,
192
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:05,773
I hid it in the back of
my closet for six months.
193
00:07:05,798 --> 00:07:06,645
Oh, I remember.
194
00:07:06,670 --> 00:07:08,256
I bailed you out.
195
00:07:08,350 --> 00:07:12,316
Now I have a $539 VHS
copy of "King Ralph."
196
00:07:13,483 --> 00:07:15,157
If I don't hand in this manuscript,
197
00:07:15,182 --> 00:07:18,307
it will be the first time in
my life that I've ever failed.
198
00:07:19,953 --> 00:07:21,711
Help me, Julie.
199
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,360
This was my "King Ralph."
200
00:07:26,282 --> 00:07:27,408
Brew a pot of coffee.
201
00:07:27,755 --> 00:07:29,257
Okay.
202
00:07:29,555 --> 00:07:31,597
Ah, wait. That's Esmerelda's job,
203
00:07:31,636 --> 00:07:33,889
and she's got Lupus again.
That loafing Lucy.
204
00:07:33,958 --> 00:07:35,295
Do you really need coffee?
205
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,615
Yeah, because we're gonna
stay up together all night
206
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:38,920
and we're gonna write your book.
207
00:07:38,962 --> 00:07:40,329
In one night?
208
00:07:40,363 --> 00:07:41,583
It's self help.
209
00:07:41,608 --> 00:07:43,778
It's all anecdotal and catchphrases.
210
00:07:44,002 --> 00:07:45,796
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I've got one.
211
00:07:45,910 --> 00:07:47,403
"Nobody asked me!"
212
00:07:47,445 --> 00:07:48,845
Yeah, we're not gonna use that one.
213
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:50,781
Listen, the secret to
writing is that you can't
214
00:07:50,806 --> 00:07:52,126
write and judge at the same time.
215
00:07:52,150 --> 00:07:53,986
You can either write or you can judge.
216
00:07:54,148 --> 00:07:56,443
So it's a two-man job! Okay, great.
217
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:58,747
You write, I'll judge, and we'll
218
00:07:58,842 --> 00:08:01,226
get this fucker in the can
by the crack of dawn!
219
00:08:02,519 --> 00:08:03,896
Siri?
220
00:08:03,990 --> 00:08:06,980
How does Es-mer-el-da
221
00:08:07,035 --> 00:08:09,580
make coffee?
222
00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:11,241
Question mark.
223
00:08:16,088 --> 00:08:17,755
- Hey.
- Hey, Billy,
224
00:08:17,859 --> 00:08:19,446
try this water.
225
00:08:22,654 --> 00:08:24,134
You can't tell it's fracked, can you?
226
00:08:24,159 --> 00:08:26,087
Are you crazy?
227
00:08:26,188 --> 00:08:27,636
Is that safe?
228
00:08:27,691 --> 00:08:29,485
You tell me in two to three minutes.
229
00:08:29,522 --> 00:08:30,986
I guess they fracked this powder
230
00:08:31,028 --> 00:08:32,868
and then they combined
it with another powder,
231
00:08:32,892 --> 00:08:34,480
and now it's a liquid?
232
00:08:34,584 --> 00:08:36,671
Anyway, pregnant women
can't touch the bottle.
233
00:08:36,696 --> 00:08:37,789
What's up?
234
00:08:37,827 --> 00:08:40,279
I have been accused of
being cold and avoidant,
235
00:08:40,332 --> 00:08:43,921
so I wanted to drop off
this invitation in person.
236
00:08:44,921 --> 00:08:47,258
Billy, you're moving to L. A.
237
00:08:47,792 --> 00:08:50,591
And you tell me by inviting
me to your going away party?
238
00:08:50,632 --> 00:08:52,301
Is that no bueno?
239
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:53,740
What the fuck?
240
00:08:55,338 --> 00:08:57,191
I respect your lack of sentimentality,
241
00:08:57,216 --> 00:08:58,681
but this is just not
how you say good-bye.
242
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,145
This is not how people say good-bye.
243
00:09:00,169 --> 00:09:01,419
I'm not saying good-bye!
244
00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:02,986
I'm just... I'm going out there
245
00:09:03,011 --> 00:09:04,490
for pilot season, and then if...
246
00:09:04,515 --> 00:09:05,915
If you book something, you'll stay?
247
00:09:05,940 --> 00:09:08,300
And maybe you'll stay in touch
with me and maybe you won't?
248
00:09:08,324 --> 00:09:10,158
Todd, you are making a way bigger deal
249
00:09:10,192 --> 00:09:12,167
about this than you should, okay?
250
00:09:12,257 --> 00:09:14,009
Like when Gigi Hadid's
publicist told her
251
00:09:14,057 --> 00:09:15,737
she was hosting the
American Music Awards.
252
00:09:15,761 --> 00:09:17,625
That was a star-making moment for Gigi.
253
00:09:17,701 --> 00:09:20,456
That was a host-making moment for Gigi.
254
00:09:20,672 --> 00:09:23,034
Hey, I gotta get back to work.
255
00:09:25,348 --> 00:09:26,737
Okay.
256
00:09:28,156 --> 00:09:30,445
But just FYI about the water:
257
00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:33,458
My tongue is burning, and
I can't feel my ears.
258
00:09:33,765 --> 00:09:35,685
And I'm usually not aware of my ears,
259
00:09:35,779 --> 00:09:38,232
but now it feels like they're missing.
260
00:09:38,295 --> 00:09:39,421
So no bueno?
261
00:09:42,151 --> 00:09:43,318
Nickname,
262
00:09:43,343 --> 00:09:44,877
I think I'm having a panic attack.
263
00:09:44,902 --> 00:09:46,455
Something is clearly askew:
264
00:09:46,504 --> 00:09:49,760
I forgot to match my pocket
square with my socket square.
265
00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:51,711
What? Arthur,
266
00:09:51,798 --> 00:09:52,878
What are you talking about?
267
00:09:52,902 --> 00:09:54,664
Is this about your dead friends at PBS?
268
00:09:54,703 --> 00:09:57,432
I told you, they're happier in
hell than they were in Florida.
269
00:09:57,554 --> 00:09:59,682
I wrote my mother's
entire book last night.
270
00:09:59,918 --> 00:10:02,022
Sleepy Jubees needs a nap.
271
00:10:02,577 --> 00:10:05,331
I know you're tired,
but I have to testify
272
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,667
on behalf of PBS in front of Congress.
273
00:10:07,692 --> 00:10:10,147
You're a seasoned performer.
Give me some tips.
274
00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:11,602
Okay, well, here's your first tip:
275
00:10:11,626 --> 00:10:13,167
Never call a woman "seasoned."
276
00:10:13,228 --> 00:10:15,732
And acting is just imitating
277
00:10:15,787 --> 00:10:18,089
somebody else's acting, then
passing it off as your own
278
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,165
like Christian Slater did
with Jack Nicholson,
279
00:10:21,293 --> 00:10:23,825
or Mark Wahlberg did
with a pile of bricks.
280
00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:25,559
Okay, that's good. Who shall I act like?
281
00:10:25,906 --> 00:10:27,586
James Cagney?
282
00:10:28,181 --> 00:10:29,551
Buddy Ebson.
283
00:10:30,268 --> 00:10:32,187
Hector Elizando.
284
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,773
To my wonderful husband,
285
00:10:36,954 --> 00:10:38,241
who's forcing me to pretend
286
00:10:38,266 --> 00:10:39,626
that I care that Billy is leaving,
287
00:10:39,662 --> 00:10:41,157
even though you know I don't.
288
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:42,742
What the hell?
289
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,817
Calm down, you babies.
290
00:10:45,007 --> 00:10:46,506
I just upgraded to this ski mask
291
00:10:46,578 --> 00:10:48,379
because I learned that makeup
292
00:10:48,404 --> 00:10:51,198
contains tiny transmitters
that report your location.
293
00:10:51,310 --> 00:10:54,254
When you use products from the
United States of Sephora,
294
00:10:54,359 --> 00:10:57,856
Uncle Sam knows exactly where you are.
295
00:10:57,993 --> 00:11:00,873
Lola, please... it's Billy's night.
296
00:11:00,947 --> 00:11:03,327
I got cast on "Supermarket Sweep!"
297
00:11:03,591 --> 00:11:04,758
Oh, my god!
298
00:11:04,783 --> 00:11:07,060
That's a real reason to celebrate!
299
00:11:07,761 --> 00:11:09,370
All right, let me just take these...
300
00:11:09,431 --> 00:11:10,845
I'm sorry... what the fuck
301
00:11:10,873 --> 00:11:12,126
do you think you're doing?
302
00:11:12,267 --> 00:11:13,633
I'm still working on this!
303
00:11:13,695 --> 00:11:15,196
I'm sorry. She hasn't slept in days.
304
00:11:15,229 --> 00:11:17,440
Oh, I'm gonna get you
some apology fries.
305
00:11:17,989 --> 00:11:19,120
Yeah, see that you do.
306
00:11:19,145 --> 00:11:20,701
- All right.
- Fuckin' Tony Hale.
307
00:11:20,726 --> 00:11:22,553
Fucking Tony Hale.
308
00:11:22,622 --> 00:11:25,377
So anyway, the "Sweep"
producers showed me this
309
00:11:25,672 --> 00:11:29,599
darling little movie about how
psychotherapy murders people.
310
00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:32,285
And then they had me hold
these two little metal cans
311
00:11:32,310 --> 00:11:34,449
that were called, like,
um, like a she-meter?
312
00:11:34,510 --> 00:11:35,518
Matthew, that sounds like Scient...
313
00:11:35,542 --> 00:11:37,544
Nuh-nuh-nuh. Shh. Let's
see how this plays out.
314
00:11:37,596 --> 00:11:39,141
So proud of you. So proud of you.
315
00:11:40,036 --> 00:11:41,345
It's Todd.
316
00:11:41,413 --> 00:11:43,500
Hey, are you coming?
317
00:11:43,708 --> 00:11:45,957
Well, what's the point if
it's not really good-bye?
318
00:11:46,030 --> 00:11:48,023
Well, no, I told you it's
not a good-bye party.
319
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:51,251
It's just... it's just a party.
320
00:11:51,399 --> 00:11:52,814
Maybe call me once you get to LA
321
00:11:52,839 --> 00:11:54,614
and realize you're all alone, okay?
322
00:11:55,398 --> 00:11:58,146
Looky, looky, looky,
looky, looky, looky.
323
00:11:58,226 --> 00:11:59,394
What the fuck are these?
324
00:11:59,429 --> 00:12:01,186
Apology fries have cheese!
325
00:12:01,446 --> 00:12:02,494
Cheese!
326
00:12:02,532 --> 00:12:03,713
Fuck!
327
00:12:03,754 --> 00:12:04,800
- Fuck!
- Yeah, exactly.
328
00:12:04,843 --> 00:12:06,429
Oh, stupid Tony.
329
00:12:06,454 --> 00:12:08,332
Get your shit together, Hale!
330
00:12:08,549 --> 00:12:09,968
Shit! Shit.
331
00:12:14,961 --> 00:12:15,962
Billy.
332
00:12:16,064 --> 00:12:17,236
Billy!
333
00:12:17,262 --> 00:12:18,805
Billy, what's going on? Talk to me.
334
00:12:18,846 --> 00:12:21,267
What's going on is
that I'm full of shit.
335
00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:22,723
Not saying good-bye
336
00:12:22,747 --> 00:12:24,452
doesn't mean I'm not leaving.
337
00:12:24,665 --> 00:12:26,208
I don't want to lose you.
338
00:12:26,422 --> 00:12:28,216
I know I should say
something supportive,
339
00:12:28,241 --> 00:12:30,879
but what's to become of me, Billy?
340
00:12:30,904 --> 00:12:32,894
I don't want to be the
free radical of hags,
341
00:12:32,967 --> 00:12:34,469
floating around without a partner!
342
00:12:34,569 --> 00:12:36,321
Think about all the terrible gays
343
00:12:36,346 --> 00:12:38,308
I could attract as a new best friend:
344
00:12:38,687 --> 00:12:41,465
A guy that does autobiographical
shows at piano bars,
345
00:12:41,490 --> 00:12:42,622
someone in fashion!
346
00:12:42,647 --> 00:12:43,736
What about me?
347
00:12:43,761 --> 00:12:45,881
What kind of nightmare hags
in LA am I gonna attract?
348
00:12:46,030 --> 00:12:48,762
A burlesque dancer! A Groundling!
349
00:12:49,057 --> 00:12:50,204
I'm gonna throw up.
350
00:12:50,242 --> 00:12:52,255
- A Groundling, Julie!
- I'm gonna throw up!
351
00:12:52,358 --> 00:12:54,217
A Groundling!
352
00:12:55,309 --> 00:12:56,717
What if I come with you?
353
00:12:56,821 --> 00:12:59,243
No, you can't come with me.
That's crazy.
354
00:12:59,395 --> 00:13:01,732
Just enough time to get you settled.
355
00:13:02,645 --> 00:13:04,525
I guess that would mean
that we'd never have to
356
00:13:04,549 --> 00:13:06,802
say good-bye or deal with our feelings!
357
00:13:07,229 --> 00:13:10,521
Billiam, let's go ruin another city!
358
00:13:10,628 --> 00:13:11,714
Yes!
359
00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:17,173
Welcome to Los Angeles!
360
00:13:17,252 --> 00:13:19,941
I'm Cashton, the manager
here at Orenthal rental car.
361
00:13:20,082 --> 00:13:21,609
I'm more of a performer than an actor,
362
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,093
but, yes, I can sing.
363
00:13:23,366 --> 00:13:24,926
Here's my headshot and résumé
364
00:13:24,951 --> 00:13:26,922
and a printed out list
of inflammatory foods
365
00:13:26,947 --> 00:13:28,646
my nutritionist recommends avoiding.
366
00:13:28,735 --> 00:13:29,923
How was y'all's flight?
367
00:13:31,539 --> 00:13:33,657
Oh, shit. It's Arthur.
368
00:13:33,864 --> 00:13:36,452
Hi. I am so sorry
369
00:13:36,477 --> 00:13:38,313
I forgot to tell you that I left for LA.
370
00:13:38,583 --> 00:13:40,039
How long will you be there?
371
00:13:40,101 --> 00:13:42,430
Just long enough to make
sure Billy's settled.
372
00:13:42,499 --> 00:13:44,001
But, honestly, who knows?
373
00:13:44,026 --> 00:13:45,386
Maybe I'll really love it out here
374
00:13:45,411 --> 00:13:46,698
and both of us can move here.
375
00:13:55,850 --> 00:13:58,645
Okay, love you. Bye.
376
00:13:59,785 --> 00:14:01,334
It'll be fine. You've done worse.
377
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,401
That's true.
378
00:14:03,747 --> 00:14:05,347
What kind of car are y'all looking for?
379
00:14:06,250 --> 00:14:08,253
Yellow. Blue?
380
00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:09,665
I have a hybrid coupe.
381
00:14:09,744 --> 00:14:11,264
- Ooh!
- Oh, coupe. I've heard of that.
382
00:14:11,288 --> 00:14:12,888
Yeah, me too. It's like the Beach Boys.
383
00:14:12,913 --> 00:14:14,753
- Yeah, it's like fun.
- And big.
384
00:14:16,408 --> 00:14:17,523
So what should we do first?
385
00:14:17,548 --> 00:14:19,829
Should we do the Harrison Ford
tour of plane crash sites?
386
00:14:19,906 --> 00:14:21,540
Oh, let's go to the Magic Castle
387
00:14:21,565 --> 00:14:23,125
and vandalize Neil Patrick Harris' car.
388
00:14:23,149 --> 00:14:24,090
Yes!
389
00:14:24,115 --> 00:14:26,315
I just want to drop off my
stuff first, if that's okay.
390
00:14:26,339 --> 00:14:27,826
It says here the place I'm staying,
391
00:14:27,851 --> 00:14:30,119
The Silkwood, is only 5 miles away.
392
00:14:30,207 --> 00:14:31,596
"The Silkwood, short-term housing
393
00:14:31,651 --> 00:14:33,091
"for people who haven't yet accepted
394
00:14:33,115 --> 00:14:34,889
they will be in Los Angeles forever."
395
00:14:34,914 --> 00:14:36,776
- And it's only five miles away?
- That's what it says.
396
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,480
That's perfect. We'll
drop off your stuff;
397
00:14:38,505 --> 00:14:39,985
We'll have the whole day ahead of us!
398
00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:41,009
I love it.
399
00:14:43,026 --> 00:14:45,497
Hey, why are they all stopped up there?
400
00:14:46,004 --> 00:14:47,123
Ugh.
401
00:14:47,148 --> 00:14:49,571
That traffic was like the
first scene in "La La Land."
402
00:14:50,209 --> 00:14:51,279
It sucked.
403
00:14:51,667 --> 00:14:54,903
Hello? Is anybody here?
404
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,188
Welcome to The Silkwood.
405
00:15:03,989 --> 00:15:06,926
I'm Joan Gentile. I'm the landlady here.
406
00:15:07,869 --> 00:15:10,206
It was the pictures that got small.
407
00:15:10,454 --> 00:15:12,167
I'm not a ghost.
408
00:15:12,239 --> 00:15:14,409
Would you like to show
yourselves around?
409
00:15:14,610 --> 00:15:15,815
Oh, yeah.
410
00:15:15,902 --> 00:15:17,203
That'd be great. Thank you.
411
00:15:22,102 --> 00:15:24,899
My husband was a homosexual too.
412
00:15:28,101 --> 00:15:30,521
"The Silkwood boasts
family-style housing
413
00:15:30,546 --> 00:15:32,092
"for stage moms and the kids
414
00:15:32,117 --> 00:15:34,620
"they force to live out
their broken dreams.
415
00:15:34,772 --> 00:15:36,559
"Children are tutored poolside,
416
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:39,730
"which we call home-pooling
instead of home-schooling.
417
00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:41,616
Get it?"
418
00:15:42,064 --> 00:15:43,985
Yeah, I get it.
419
00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:49,095
Let's find my apartment.
420
00:15:49,719 --> 00:15:53,232
"This part of The Silkwood was
originally a mental hospital
421
00:15:53,308 --> 00:15:54,976
"that burned for three days straight
422
00:15:55,001 --> 00:15:57,088
"but never turned to ash.
423
00:15:57,298 --> 00:15:59,001
"Now it houses men who are depressed
424
00:15:59,026 --> 00:16:00,613
for all kinds of reasons."
425
00:16:02,433 --> 00:16:04,078
The weather's nice.
426
00:16:05,710 --> 00:16:07,595
Home sweet home!
427
00:16:21,471 --> 00:16:22,848
It looked different online.
428
00:16:23,055 --> 00:16:24,356
How so?
429
00:16:25,373 --> 00:16:28,178
I can't believe we're saying
good-bye to this place.
430
00:16:28,676 --> 00:16:30,050
This was our dream.
431
00:16:30,186 --> 00:16:31,748
I've only known you a day and a half,
432
00:16:31,773 --> 00:16:34,319
but it is really hard
to break up the gang.
433
00:16:34,437 --> 00:16:36,523
This is the saddest day of my life...
434
00:16:36,751 --> 00:16:39,076
watching the government shut
down another small business.
435
00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:40,853
I feel as useless as
the CrossFit equipment
436
00:16:40,877 --> 00:16:42,595
in Mitch McConnell's basement.
437
00:16:42,763 --> 00:16:44,697
I'm sorry we couldn't raise the money.
438
00:16:44,779 --> 00:16:46,419
Look, there was just
no way we were gonna
439
00:16:46,443 --> 00:16:47,752
come up with that kind of cash.
440
00:16:47,777 --> 00:16:49,617
Wait, you guys had the
option to buy the cafe?
441
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,522
Why didn't you say so? I
have money in savings.
442
00:16:51,546 --> 00:16:52,622
How much money?
443
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:05,110
I can't see that far away.
444
00:17:05,171 --> 00:17:06,252
♪ De-de-DEE-de-de-de-duh ♪
445
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,558
♪ "Supermarket Sweep!" ♪
446
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:11,506
Matty, you came in your sailor
costume to cheer me up!
447
00:17:11,721 --> 00:17:14,268
Also because I have wonderful news!
448
00:17:14,293 --> 00:17:16,429
I've been asked to join
a boat-based division
449
00:17:16,454 --> 00:17:19,417
of "Supermarket Sweep"
called the Sea Orj!
450
00:17:19,453 --> 00:17:21,690
The Sea Org.
451
00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:24,255
No, it's "orj," like orgy.
452
00:17:24,556 --> 00:17:29,649
Anyway, the producers asked me
to sign a billion-year contract.
453
00:17:29,688 --> 00:17:30,982
What?
454
00:17:31,007 --> 00:17:32,508
And I'm doing it.
455
00:17:33,888 --> 00:17:35,448
Good-bye forever!
456
00:17:37,247 --> 00:17:38,374
Push.
457
00:17:39,898 --> 00:17:41,293
Push!
458
00:17:41,631 --> 00:17:42,842
Oh.
459
00:17:44,067 --> 00:17:45,857
Ah, West Hollywood.
460
00:17:45,918 --> 00:17:48,214
I could choke on the smell
of prep and spray tan
461
00:17:48,248 --> 00:17:50,751
if it weren't for the
smog evening them out.
462
00:17:50,779 --> 00:17:52,360
Yeah, but there's space,
463
00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:54,158
and people pee where
they're supposed to...
464
00:17:54,349 --> 00:17:56,569
in toilets, or each others' mouths.
465
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,343
My god, how'd you get so
sunburned so quickly?
466
00:17:59,432 --> 00:18:00,912
Is that just since we parked the car?
467
00:18:00,937 --> 00:18:01,978
Yep.
468
00:18:02,003 --> 00:18:03,227
Hey, will you check the guidebook
469
00:18:03,251 --> 00:18:04,534
for somewhere to eat,
someplace that doesn't
470
00:18:04,558 --> 00:18:05,932
have fruit listed as dessert?
471
00:18:06,028 --> 00:18:07,154
Oh, yeah. Sure.
472
00:18:07,475 --> 00:18:09,031
- Welcome!
- Hi.
473
00:18:09,091 --> 00:18:11,451
Would you like to sit in the
"bread" or "no bread" section?
474
00:18:13,295 --> 00:18:15,485
Aww. Bread it is.
475
00:18:16,326 --> 00:18:18,421
Oh, my god, Julie, this
place is a landmark.
476
00:18:18,482 --> 00:18:20,202
One of these tables is
where Bryan Singer's
477
00:18:20,226 --> 00:18:22,070
accusers first met with their lawyer.
478
00:18:22,508 --> 00:18:25,227
Would you like a laptop cord,
or did you bring your own?
479
00:18:25,302 --> 00:18:26,419
Excuse me?
480
00:18:26,465 --> 00:18:27,585
I assumed you were a writer,
481
00:18:27,610 --> 00:18:29,443
based on your age, weight, and bread.
482
00:18:29,507 --> 00:18:30,769
No, thank you.
483
00:18:30,834 --> 00:18:32,474
But I did have a
question about the menu.
484
00:18:32,498 --> 00:18:35,085
What's the closest thing you
guys have to a hot dog?
485
00:18:35,179 --> 00:18:38,122
We do have a Downward Facing
Dog, it's like an ex...
486
00:18:38,643 --> 00:18:40,022
- Fuck you.
- Okay.
487
00:18:40,089 --> 00:18:43,303
I'll be back to tell you
about my roller derby team.
488
00:18:43,743 --> 00:18:45,036
Hey. Hi.
489
00:18:45,061 --> 00:18:46,220
I don't work here.
490
00:18:46,245 --> 00:18:48,332
My name is Flute, and I'm a doula.
491
00:18:48,535 --> 00:18:51,958
And you seem pregnant. So I'd
love to give you my card.
492
00:18:53,229 --> 00:18:55,316
It would be my absolute privilege
493
00:18:55,341 --> 00:18:57,598
to go on this journey with you.
494
00:19:00,289 --> 00:19:02,844
Billy, I don't know how much
more of this I can take.
495
00:19:03,149 --> 00:19:05,225
Don't look now, but
Terrance Howard is at the
496
00:19:05,250 --> 00:19:07,911
table behind you, and he just
took out his classical guitar.
497
00:19:07,936 --> 00:19:09,496
Oh, my god!
498
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,218
- We have to get out of here.
- I know.
499
00:19:12,275 --> 00:19:14,191
Dr. Ben Carson, it's me.
500
00:19:14,567 --> 00:19:16,240
Dr. Marilyn Kessler.
501
00:19:16,426 --> 00:19:18,887
Remember we met in Maryland
at that one country club
502
00:19:18,912 --> 00:19:20,333
that let both of us in?
503
00:19:20,395 --> 00:19:22,231
Well, I'm just calling
for patient referrals.
504
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:24,461
Not that I think my
book is going to fail.
505
00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:25,955
Oh... hold on. I have another call.
506
00:19:26,122 --> 00:19:27,648
Hold on. Yes?
507
00:19:27,723 --> 00:19:29,250
Marilyn Kessler.
508
00:19:29,337 --> 00:19:31,297
I had a bet going with my
assistant about whether
509
00:19:31,321 --> 00:19:32,799
you'd have to return your advance.
510
00:19:32,879 --> 00:19:36,886
Anyway, long story short,
now he has to fuck me.
511
00:19:36,988 --> 00:19:39,534
I'm not sure who lost that bet.
512
00:19:39,602 --> 00:19:41,335
But did you like my book?
513
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,821
No.
514
00:19:42,897 --> 00:19:44,441
I fucking love it!
515
00:19:44,602 --> 00:19:45,684
Really???
516
00:19:45,709 --> 00:19:47,069
I'm pushing up its release date.
517
00:19:47,094 --> 00:19:48,381
This book will even outsell.
518
00:19:48,406 --> 00:19:49,992
"The Outsider Art of the DC Sniper."
519
00:19:50,158 --> 00:19:53,080
Oh, Veronica, I am over the moon!
520
00:19:53,241 --> 00:19:54,590
I just have one question
521
00:19:54,615 --> 00:19:56,550
before I get back to
hog-tying my assistant.
522
00:19:56,641 --> 00:19:58,481
This book is so different
from everything else
523
00:19:58,505 --> 00:20:00,896
you've sent me so far. What happened?
524
00:20:01,317 --> 00:20:03,453
Well, I guess I just found my voice
525
00:20:03,478 --> 00:20:05,027
and learned how to use her.
526
00:20:05,052 --> 00:20:06,092
It.
527
00:20:06,117 --> 00:20:07,577
My... my voice.
528
00:20:07,965 --> 00:20:09,102
My voice.
529
00:20:09,127 --> 00:20:10,253
My... me.
530
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,383
Me.
531
00:20:12,564 --> 00:20:14,644
Distinguished members of the committee,
532
00:20:14,770 --> 00:20:15,973
I am here to remind you
533
00:20:16,029 --> 00:20:18,488
of the importance of
public broadcasting.
534
00:20:20,024 --> 00:20:22,487
In 1970...
535
00:20:22,661 --> 00:20:23,733
In...
536
00:20:23,803 --> 00:20:25,881
In 1970, our... Oh.
537
00:20:25,957 --> 00:20:26,959
Uh...
538
00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:32,649
I meant to do that.
539
00:20:32,989 --> 00:20:35,828
Please accept my most sincere apologies.
540
00:20:35,889 --> 00:20:38,056
Are you doing Cary Grant?
541
00:20:38,542 --> 00:20:41,171
Are you doing Tony
Curtis doing Cary Grant?
542
00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:44,598
Oh. You dirty rat!
543
00:20:44,982 --> 00:20:46,980
Well, I certainly didn't
expect to be called
544
00:20:47,005 --> 00:20:48,840
a dirty rat this morning.
545
00:20:49,214 --> 00:20:50,410
Next!
546
00:20:50,435 --> 00:20:52,104
Come on, Arthur. Imitate somebody.
547
00:20:52,129 --> 00:20:54,466
Who would deal with this situation best?
548
00:20:54,824 --> 00:20:58,152
Cheese!
549
00:21:00,265 --> 00:21:02,225
Oh, I'm sorry...
550
00:21:02,249 --> 00:21:04,126
what the fuck do you think you're doing?
551
00:21:04,459 --> 00:21:05,979
Reynolds, put back the water
552
00:21:06,081 --> 00:21:08,085
and bring him some
apology fries as well.
553
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:11,103
Now...
554
00:21:11,224 --> 00:21:12,419
here's what's gonna do.
555
00:21:12,444 --> 00:21:14,656
You're gonna give PBS the money we need,
556
00:21:15,016 --> 00:21:16,915
and you're going to do it now.
557
00:21:16,965 --> 00:21:18,744
Apology fries have cheese!
558
00:21:21,429 --> 00:21:23,735
Hey, Billy, not that my positivity
559
00:21:23,794 --> 00:21:25,628
is wearing thin or anything,
560
00:21:25,738 --> 00:21:27,449
but do you think there's, like, a tram
561
00:21:27,474 --> 00:21:29,477
that could take us up
to the top of this...
562
00:21:29,534 --> 00:21:31,927
I want to say, dirt building?
563
00:21:31,987 --> 00:21:34,532
Oh no, Jules, you look
even redder than before.
564
00:21:34,647 --> 00:21:36,767
Do you have a particularly
high Rotten Tomatoes score
565
00:21:36,791 --> 00:21:38,245
or is your sunburn getting worse?
566
00:21:38,313 --> 00:21:39,511
I think it might be having
567
00:21:39,536 --> 00:21:40,936
an allergic reaction to that bread.
568
00:21:41,139 --> 00:21:42,231
Of course!
569
00:21:42,256 --> 00:21:43,576
There's no gluten in bread in LA.
570
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,274
- It's all nuts and sap.
- Oh, shit.
571
00:21:45,362 --> 00:21:47,411
I don't think I'm going
into anaphylactic shock,
572
00:21:47,436 --> 00:21:48,860
but maybe we should get a fresh Epi-Pen
573
00:21:48,884 --> 00:21:49,959
just to be safe, you know?
574
00:21:49,984 --> 00:21:51,188
Hey! Hey! Pregnant writer?
575
00:21:51,213 --> 00:21:53,342
It's me, Flute the doula!
576
00:21:53,443 --> 00:21:56,281
And lucky for you, I'm also
a licensed healologist
577
00:21:56,349 --> 00:21:57,850
with a specialty in eavesdropping.
578
00:21:57,875 --> 00:21:59,401
And I heard that maybe you thought
579
00:21:59,426 --> 00:22:01,198
you were having some kind
of allergic reaction?
580
00:22:01,222 --> 00:22:03,155
Yeah, do you know where
the closest pharmacy is?
581
00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:05,180
Because we can't any cell
phone reception up here.
582
00:22:05,204 --> 00:22:07,088
Wow, pharmacies.
583
00:22:07,192 --> 00:22:09,934
I mean, I could direct you
to the nearest "CVS."
584
00:22:09,978 --> 00:22:12,969
but I think this would
actually help you a lot more.
585
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,552
It's my healologist license.
586
00:22:17,709 --> 00:22:19,805
Call me when you're
ready for the medicine
587
00:22:19,830 --> 00:22:21,332
that will really help you:
588
00:22:21,394 --> 00:22:23,009
Me telling you over and over again
589
00:22:23,085 --> 00:22:25,531
that whatever you're feeling
is all in your head.
590
00:22:25,764 --> 00:22:27,564
Please don't take this
the wrong way, Flute,
591
00:22:27,589 --> 00:22:29,521
but I hope you die of a
preventable disease.
592
00:22:29,688 --> 00:22:31,816
Let's go get you an Epi-Pen. Excuse us.
593
00:22:32,233 --> 00:22:34,279
Holy shit! Is that a
fucking rattlesnake?
594
00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:37,042
Holy shit!
595
00:22:37,067 --> 00:22:39,267
Is that Aaron Sorkin meeting
with the Duplass brothers?
596
00:22:39,346 --> 00:22:41,431
No! No!
597
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:43,445
Oh, shit. We're trapped.
598
00:22:43,522 --> 00:22:45,692
We're trapped! Where do we go?
599
00:22:45,717 --> 00:22:47,428
Well, first we're going to CVS,
600
00:22:47,572 --> 00:22:49,826
and then I'm dropping
you off at the airport.
601
00:22:50,505 --> 00:22:53,002
What? No, no, no!
602
00:22:53,054 --> 00:22:54,974
I'm supposed to stay here
until you get settled!
603
00:22:54,998 --> 00:22:56,548
We've been in L. A. 24 hours,
604
00:22:56,576 --> 00:22:58,156
and you might actually die.
605
00:22:58,241 --> 00:22:59,869
But how are we going to stay in touch?
606
00:23:00,310 --> 00:23:02,301
We'll Facetime and we'll Skype
607
00:23:02,326 --> 00:23:04,204
and, you know, we'll text each other
608
00:23:04,229 --> 00:23:06,610
more constantly than we already do.
609
00:23:06,895 --> 00:23:08,272
It will be okay.
610
00:23:08,534 --> 00:23:09,773
Will it?
611
00:23:10,925 --> 00:23:12,725
I don't know.
612
00:23:13,610 --> 00:23:15,280
I don't know.
613
00:23:18,804 --> 00:23:21,725
Hello. Welcome to Lola's D's Café.
614
00:23:22,112 --> 00:23:23,482
Here is a menu,
615
00:23:23,507 --> 00:23:25,970
and a complimentary
surveillance-free mascara.
616
00:23:25,995 --> 00:23:27,497
Because beauty is knowing
617
00:23:27,523 --> 00:23:29,275
the government isn't watching you.
618
00:23:29,509 --> 00:23:32,098
Have a seat, and I'll be
back to take your order
619
00:23:32,123 --> 00:23:34,203
and answer any questions you
may have about the line
620
00:23:34,227 --> 00:23:35,667
of tracker-free makeup I've created.
621
00:23:35,691 --> 00:23:38,203
I cannot believe she's
actually our partner.
622
00:23:38,465 --> 00:23:42,263
We did the right thing.
Lola saved us from Sephora.
623
00:23:42,515 --> 00:23:44,516
Hey, Lola, I don't get it.
624
00:23:44,549 --> 00:23:45,782
If you're this loaded,
625
00:23:45,807 --> 00:23:47,685
why were you waiting
tables to begin with?
626
00:23:47,716 --> 00:23:49,885
I am passionate about the
food service industry,
627
00:23:49,913 --> 00:23:51,666
especially now that I'm in charge.
628
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,640
Did y'all read the new
employee handbook?
629
00:23:53,665 --> 00:23:56,086
It opens with a chart
connecting JFK's assassination
630
00:23:56,163 --> 00:23:57,703
to Marisa Tomei's Oscar.
631
00:23:57,756 --> 00:23:59,550
I couldn't understand that manifesto.
632
00:23:59,638 --> 00:24:01,393
You should take this job more seriously,
633
00:24:01,436 --> 00:24:03,236
since LA chewed you up
and spit you out again
634
00:24:03,260 --> 00:24:04,884
like an actress eating lunch.
635
00:24:04,938 --> 00:24:06,112
Nobody spit me out.
636
00:24:06,137 --> 00:24:08,145
Except for that Uber driver. Pussy.
637
00:24:08,297 --> 00:24:11,076
I came back because I got
cast on "Blue Bloods,"
638
00:24:11,101 --> 00:24:12,670
which happens to shoot here.
639
00:24:12,695 --> 00:24:15,167
And it is not your fault, thespian.
640
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,448
Percy the gay nephew got
cut down to background.
641
00:24:17,515 --> 00:24:19,755
But they're gonna bring that
little gay boy back, right?
642
00:24:19,786 --> 00:24:21,186
I mean, I hope they bring him back,
643
00:24:21,238 --> 00:24:22,268
Because, contractually, I'm not allowed
644
00:24:22,292 --> 00:24:23,586
to appear on any other shows.
645
00:24:23,851 --> 00:24:25,462
Uh, table for one.
646
00:24:25,510 --> 00:24:27,180
Matthew, oh, my god!
647
00:24:29,227 --> 00:24:32,899
Mama Dee, you are looking
at the first homosexual
648
00:24:32,954 --> 00:24:35,083
to ever be kicked out
of Scientology instead
649
00:24:35,171 --> 00:24:36,906
of being blackmailed to stay in.
650
00:24:36,931 --> 00:24:38,001
So you finally figured out
651
00:24:38,026 --> 00:24:39,952
there's no "Supermarket Sweep" reboot.
652
00:24:40,069 --> 00:24:42,320
Of course not. Don't be such an SP!
653
00:24:42,419 --> 00:24:44,505
Well, this is cause to celebrate.
654
00:24:45,109 --> 00:24:47,462
Matthew, you're rehired.
655
00:24:47,487 --> 00:24:49,365
Tony, you're fired.
656
00:24:49,695 --> 00:24:51,110
F it all to H.
657
00:24:51,135 --> 00:24:52,143
Hey... I'm part owner.
658
00:24:52,168 --> 00:24:54,746
I get to make these decisions, too.
Tony...
659
00:24:54,771 --> 00:24:56,149
- Yes?
- You're fired.
660
00:24:56,323 --> 00:24:57,866
Damn it!
661
00:24:57,891 --> 00:24:59,018
Damn it!
662
00:25:00,541 --> 00:25:02,752
Oh. Ben Carson?
663
00:25:02,777 --> 00:25:05,449
Have you been on hold all this time?
664
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,358
I've got to go, I'm doing.
665
00:25:07,383 --> 00:25:09,936
"Watch What Happens
Live with Andy Cohen."
666
00:25:13,733 --> 00:25:15,538
Welcome back to "Watch
What Happens Live."
667
00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:17,151
I'm Andy Cohen, and I'm here with
668
00:25:17,176 --> 00:25:19,596
the best-seller author
of "Finding My Voice"
669
00:25:19,706 --> 00:25:22,336
and the Countess Luann's
former therapist,
670
00:25:22,410 --> 00:25:24,374
Dr. Marilyn Kessler.
671
00:25:24,399 --> 00:25:27,237
I cannot tell you how
honored I am that I am here
672
00:25:27,262 --> 00:25:30,461
because you love my book so
much I'm your only guest.
673
00:25:30,557 --> 00:25:32,980
Yeah, that's exactly why
you're my only guest;
674
00:25:33,005 --> 00:25:34,805
Not because Sheree Whitfield has been
675
00:25:34,830 --> 00:25:37,542
stuck in an elevator for
the past 45 minutes.
676
00:25:37,611 --> 00:25:40,868
I agree, my book is extremely brave.
677
00:25:41,201 --> 00:25:42,279
I actually didn't...
678
00:25:42,304 --> 00:25:43,724
Well, Andy, you do not get to spend
679
00:25:43,749 --> 00:25:46,527
two months on top of "The New
York Times" bestseller list
680
00:25:46,552 --> 00:25:48,285
if you're cowardly.
681
00:25:48,408 --> 00:25:51,730
Marilyn, you are very
honest in your book about
682
00:25:51,755 --> 00:25:55,286
the pursuit of happiness
without more antidepressants.
683
00:25:55,311 --> 00:25:56,674
Honest.
684
00:25:56,829 --> 00:25:58,789
What was your favorite
part of writing the book?
685
00:25:58,939 --> 00:26:01,436
Getting my hair done,
and raising my rates...
686
00:26:01,512 --> 00:26:03,473
well, and I mean helping people.
687
00:26:03,634 --> 00:26:07,454
And I enjoyed being there
for the actual writing.
688
00:26:07,535 --> 00:26:10,442
It's rare that you get to spend
so much time with your...
689
00:26:10,733 --> 00:26:12,736
voice... without fighting.
690
00:26:12,797 --> 00:26:14,197
I've been trying to become a writer
691
00:26:14,221 --> 00:26:15,603
so I don't become my mother.
692
00:26:15,703 --> 00:26:17,539
Now I finally have success as a writer,
693
00:26:17,564 --> 00:26:19,622
and all I had to do is become my mother.
694
00:26:19,682 --> 00:26:20,923
What are you watching?
695
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,680
That doesn't sound like
"Independent Lens."
696
00:26:22,704 --> 00:26:24,687
I had to take a break
from PBS to watch my mom
697
00:26:24,712 --> 00:26:26,512
on "Watch What Happens
Live" from last night.
698
00:26:26,536 --> 00:26:28,161
She's gonna quiz me about it later.
699
00:26:28,277 --> 00:26:29,866
Pencils down, Lady Foot Locker.
700
00:26:29,919 --> 00:26:31,179
Breakfast is served.
701
00:26:31,204 --> 00:26:32,884
You know, I don't mean
to sound ungrateful
702
00:26:32,909 --> 00:26:34,712
I know you got me the
job and everything;
703
00:26:34,977 --> 00:26:38,377
It's just recapping PBS shows for PBS
704
00:26:38,721 --> 00:26:40,960
seems more useless than
shaving your pussy
705
00:26:41,037 --> 00:26:43,416
before you go to a "Sound
of Music" singalong.
706
00:26:43,464 --> 00:26:44,650
I can't disagree, but
707
00:26:44,675 --> 00:26:46,636
a lot of people enjoy
PBS's Online Presence.
708
00:26:46,969 --> 00:26:48,604
When do I get paid again?
709
00:26:48,652 --> 00:26:51,156
Ooh, funny you should ask, Senate Floor.
710
00:26:51,181 --> 00:26:53,030
The government funding
just came through!
711
00:26:53,055 --> 00:26:54,336
PBS finally got the check!
712
00:26:54,361 --> 00:26:57,032
- Congratulations.
- ♪ Ta-da ♪
713
00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:58,870
That says "TBS."
714
00:26:58,895 --> 00:27:00,981
Yeah, they misunderstood.
715
00:27:01,165 --> 00:27:03,549
That's why it says "Very
Funny" on the memo line.
716
00:27:03,604 --> 00:27:05,899
Anyway, it's easy to change a T to a P.
717
00:27:12,044 --> 00:27:13,119
I'm gone for 6 months,
718
00:27:13,144 --> 00:27:14,784
and they turned the
Broadway Dance School
719
00:27:14,808 --> 00:27:16,767
into an NYU dorm with a
Chase Bank in the lobby?
720
00:27:16,816 --> 00:27:19,170
Yeah, the only thing that
never changes about New York
721
00:27:19,195 --> 00:27:20,595
is people in New York talking about
722
00:27:20,620 --> 00:27:21,746
how New York has changed.
723
00:27:21,816 --> 00:27:23,159
Very true. Hey.
724
00:27:23,184 --> 00:27:25,465
Todd's working late tonight.
Do you wanna go see a movie?
725
00:27:25,489 --> 00:27:26,071
Yeah!
726
00:27:26,109 --> 00:27:27,402
I'm in the mood for
something really awful,
727
00:27:27,426 --> 00:27:29,394
like maybe something
from the Dirtyverse.
728
00:27:29,497 --> 00:27:32,120
Ah, you mean like, "Dirty
Grandpa," "Bad Santa."
729
00:27:32,197 --> 00:27:34,362
"Bad Moms," "Bad Teacher,".
730
00:27:34,387 --> 00:27:35,667
"Horrible Bosses."
731
00:27:35,729 --> 00:27:37,447
Yeah, "Crappy Cousin."
732
00:27:37,472 --> 00:27:39,308
"Lousy Abortionist."
733
00:27:39,609 --> 00:27:40,777
"Gross Ghost."
734
00:27:40,802 --> 00:27:42,346
"Perverted Architect."
735
00:27:42,371 --> 00:27:43,539
"Cunty Kid."
736
00:27:45,795 --> 00:27:47,755
Should we really see "Dr. Doolittle 2,"
737
00:27:47,780 --> 00:27:49,408
or should we just give that money
738
00:27:49,433 --> 00:27:50,975
to The Gay Men's Health Crisis?
739
00:27:51,050 --> 00:27:53,210
I'm having a Gay Men's Mental
Health Crisis of my own
740
00:27:53,235 --> 00:27:54,515
just thinking about Eddie Murphy
741
00:27:54,539 --> 00:27:56,934
talking to an alligator with
the voice of Kevin Pollak.
742
00:27:57,100 --> 00:27:58,722
What else is playing?
743
00:27:58,943 --> 00:28:01,106
Well, if you're in the mood
to watch "King Ralph,"
744
00:28:01,131 --> 00:28:02,865
I happen to own a very expensive copy.
745
00:28:02,977 --> 00:28:05,005
- Oh, I love "King Ralph!"
- Yeah.
746
00:28:05,085 --> 00:28:06,962
- I'm Billy, by the way.
- I'm Julie.
747
00:28:07,130 --> 00:28:09,272
You know, I don't think
I've ever said this once
748
00:28:09,340 --> 00:28:12,642
in my life, but it's nice to meet you.
749
00:28:19,746 --> 00:28:24,746
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com.
750
00:28:54,467 --> 00:28:56,739
La la la. Oh, my God.
54428
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