All language subtitles for Difficult People - 03x10 - The Silkwood.WEBrip.STRiFE.English.C.edit.Addic7ed.com

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,022 --> 00:00:05,641 What a beautiful September morning. 2 00:00:05,745 --> 00:00:07,709 Welcome to Strutting with Sondheim. 3 00:00:07,969 --> 00:00:10,334 You know, a lot of people think that Sondheim's 4 00:00:10,370 --> 00:00:13,250 music isn't danceable or very catchy. 5 00:00:13,338 --> 00:00:15,190 Well, they can go fuck themselves. 6 00:00:15,302 --> 00:00:17,389 All right, let's all partner up! 7 00:00:17,471 --> 00:00:21,049 Remember, hand to hand, eye to eye, actual emotions. 8 00:00:21,363 --> 00:00:25,214 Let's make some human connections today, people, okay? 9 00:00:25,540 --> 00:00:27,961 Excuse me, where are you going, Barcelona? 10 00:00:28,437 --> 00:00:29,577 Partner up? 11 00:00:29,662 --> 00:00:31,310 I'm not touching a stranger's hands. 12 00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:33,213 Yeah. They'll be all clammy. 13 00:00:33,415 --> 00:00:35,250 If I wanted clams, I'd go to the oyster bar 14 00:00:35,275 --> 00:00:37,612 and trick a day trader into buying me some chowder. 15 00:00:37,717 --> 00:00:39,720 You go to the oyster bar? 16 00:00:39,849 --> 00:00:41,438 What are you, a prostitute? 17 00:00:41,521 --> 00:00:43,858 That's the nicest thing anyone's ever asked me. 18 00:00:43,940 --> 00:00:45,544 Ugh. Look at that. 19 00:00:45,761 --> 00:00:47,326 "Dr. Doolittle 2." 20 00:00:47,386 --> 00:00:49,671 I'm so glad, because I didn't feel "Dr. Doolittle 1" 21 00:00:49,719 --> 00:00:52,606 incorporated enough of Eddie Murphy's homophobic stand-up. 22 00:00:52,714 --> 00:00:54,514 You know, I heard in this one we get closure 23 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,115 on that night he was a "good Samaritan" 24 00:00:56,153 --> 00:00:57,735 and picked up that trans prostitute 25 00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,600 who later died under mysterious circumstances. 26 00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:00,636 Well, either way, 27 00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:02,180 he's definitely gonna talk to animals. 28 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,849 Aww, where we met. 29 00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,807 This place should be a New York City landmark. 30 00:01:08,863 --> 00:01:12,411 Agreed. Okay, next stop on the "Billy Farewell Tour" checklist, 31 00:01:12,539 --> 00:01:14,659 there are two leather bars we have to say good-bye to 32 00:01:14,696 --> 00:01:15,779 before you leave for LA. 33 00:01:15,804 --> 00:01:17,087 But one is a Sephora now. 34 00:01:17,158 --> 00:01:18,714 We'll go anyway. I need mascara. 35 00:01:18,739 --> 00:01:21,744 Hi! We're looking for the Broadway Dance School? 36 00:01:21,966 --> 00:01:24,471 Aw, you two are as bright-eyed and bushytailed 37 00:01:24,506 --> 00:01:26,826 as Gaby Hoffman when she goes bottomless on "Transparent." 38 00:01:26,850 --> 00:01:28,658 Let me give you a word of advice. 39 00:01:28,719 --> 00:01:31,515 New York is gonna eat you alive like it's Lea DeLaria 40 00:01:31,577 --> 00:01:33,937 and you're a pretty new extra on "Orange is the New Black." 41 00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:35,474 Go back to Kentucky. 42 00:01:35,569 --> 00:01:38,074 How did you know that my wife and I were from Kentucky? 43 00:01:38,522 --> 00:01:39,704 Bye. 44 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:47,114 Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 45 00:01:47,176 --> 00:01:48,694 What's wrong, Chinese New Year? 46 00:01:48,719 --> 00:01:50,515 Did Malcolm Gladwell post another podcast 47 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:52,115 explaining how comedy works? 48 00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:53,865 I'm officially unemployed. 49 00:01:53,972 --> 00:01:56,602 The website I do recaps for just went under. 50 00:01:56,711 --> 00:01:59,844 Hulk Hogan sued them too. He was on a roll after Gawker. 51 00:01:59,902 --> 00:02:01,822 Don't worry, Lunchables. 52 00:02:01,897 --> 00:02:03,733 You know I'm the stable breadwinner. 53 00:02:03,808 --> 00:02:05,722 In fact, since PBS moved to Jupiter, Florida, 54 00:02:05,767 --> 00:02:07,186 I'm even more invaluable. 55 00:02:07,479 --> 00:02:09,283 Yeah, I guess. 56 00:02:09,862 --> 00:02:11,438 Both the Zumba Madam 57 00:02:11,476 --> 00:02:15,108 and the Cannibal Cop remain in stable condition. 58 00:02:15,182 --> 00:02:18,292 And in non-New York news, a massive sinkhole in Jupiter, 59 00:02:18,363 --> 00:02:21,911 Florida, has suddenly devoured the PBS headquarters. 60 00:02:22,053 --> 00:02:24,599 Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 61 00:02:24,653 --> 00:02:26,564 Oh, my god. 62 00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,389 That's horrible. 63 00:02:28,681 --> 00:02:30,201 On the upside, I never have to see you 64 00:02:30,226 --> 00:02:31,608 in those corduroy shorts again. 65 00:02:31,659 --> 00:02:32,849 - Noodles! - Sorry. 66 00:02:32,951 --> 00:02:35,105 Please. A little respect? 67 00:02:35,705 --> 00:02:37,369 I just lost most of my colleagues. 68 00:02:37,459 --> 00:02:39,587 We were never warned about sinkholes growing up. 69 00:02:39,625 --> 00:02:41,025 Back on "Gilligan's Island," it was 70 00:02:41,049 --> 00:02:43,268 quicksand this and quicksand that. 71 00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:47,015 I have a powerful formative memory 72 00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:49,629 of Ginger being tied to a tree. 73 00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:53,343 Somebody got over the death of his coworkers quickly. 74 00:02:53,464 --> 00:02:55,050 So when you're seating a party, 75 00:02:55,118 --> 00:02:56,478 you just want to check it off here 76 00:02:56,503 --> 00:02:58,291 so you don't double-book a table. 77 00:02:58,418 --> 00:02:59,502 You got it? 78 00:03:02,143 --> 00:03:05,153 I'm sorry. Um, I'm just gonna ask it. 79 00:03:05,265 --> 00:03:06,513 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Uh... 80 00:03:06,543 --> 00:03:08,135 You're Tony Hale. 81 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:09,240 That's right. That's right. 82 00:03:09,264 --> 00:03:11,041 So why have you decided to wait tables? 83 00:03:11,165 --> 00:03:12,672 - Because... - I'm Tony Hale. 84 00:03:12,841 --> 00:03:14,593 You're Tony Hale. 85 00:03:14,687 --> 00:03:16,649 I know. I want stability. 86 00:03:16,756 --> 00:03:19,792 Hollywood just chews you up and spits you out. 87 00:03:20,124 --> 00:03:21,877 My biggest regret was when I gave up 88 00:03:21,992 --> 00:03:24,328 my lunchtime shift at the Caliente Cab Company 89 00:03:24,442 --> 00:03:26,278 after my second Emmy win for "VEEP." 90 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,607 Well, I'm actually about to move to LA, 91 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,211 and I'm gonna set that town on fire! 92 00:03:30,273 --> 00:03:31,926 Oh, yeah. 93 00:03:31,993 --> 00:03:34,998 I tried to set that town on fire too. 94 00:03:35,073 --> 00:03:36,747 I made it look like an accident, 95 00:03:36,810 --> 00:03:40,149 but the insurance agents know every trick in the book. 96 00:03:40,335 --> 00:03:41,862 Attention, work family! 97 00:03:41,887 --> 00:03:44,475 I have some exhilarating news that will wrap up my arc 98 00:03:44,529 --> 00:03:46,837 of wanting to be on a reality show! 99 00:03:46,869 --> 00:03:48,372 You got on a reality show? 100 00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:50,503 No, you dirty dunce! 101 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:52,191 But I did get a final callback 102 00:03:52,231 --> 00:03:54,219 for the reboot of "Supermarket Sweep!" 103 00:03:54,244 --> 00:03:55,251 Yes! 104 00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:56,676 "Supermarket Sweep" is a game show. 105 00:03:56,981 --> 00:04:00,319 Yeah, but on it, I play myself, which is real. 106 00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:03,954 All I have to do is complete an extensive personality test. 107 00:04:04,292 --> 00:04:07,505 Matthew, that is so exciting! 108 00:04:09,685 --> 00:04:11,478 Okay, dial it down, Mary. 109 00:04:11,892 --> 00:04:13,060 Behind with hot. 110 00:04:13,085 --> 00:04:14,088 Oh, my god. 111 00:04:14,113 --> 00:04:15,821 Mummenschantz! Not again! 112 00:04:15,937 --> 00:04:17,383 This makeup is just new technique 113 00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:19,428 for avoiding facial recognition cameras. 114 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,769 Hey, sisters. This is Lola. 115 00:04:21,821 --> 00:04:23,461 I'm gonna tell you what you need to do to 116 00:04:23,485 --> 00:04:25,655 walk through the streets of New York City undetected. 117 00:04:25,822 --> 00:04:27,031 First you're gonna need. 118 00:04:27,056 --> 00:04:28,475 Scotch tape, black lipstick, 119 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:29,596 a tennis racquet, 120 00:04:29,621 --> 00:04:30,876 and you'll definitely need a shirt 121 00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:31,971 you don't mind setting on fire. 122 00:04:31,995 --> 00:04:33,006 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 123 00:04:33,031 --> 00:04:34,551 You haven't seen her makeup tutorials? 124 00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:37,810 Okay, the camaraderie at Caliente was so much stronger. 125 00:04:37,904 --> 00:04:40,575 Laugh all you want, but the CIA doesn't know that I went 126 00:04:40,576 --> 00:04:43,331 to Chop't for lunch. Can you say the same, Tony? 127 00:04:44,668 --> 00:04:45,717 I cannot. 128 00:04:45,963 --> 00:04:47,397 I went to Wendy's. 129 00:04:47,465 --> 00:04:50,127 Can everybody gather around? We have some news. 130 00:04:51,140 --> 00:04:52,933 It's got nothing to do with our baby, okay? 131 00:04:52,977 --> 00:04:54,827 Gather around. 132 00:04:54,947 --> 00:04:58,137 So Sephora is buying up the entire neighborhood 133 00:04:58,213 --> 00:04:59,673 and turning all the East Village 134 00:04:59,738 --> 00:05:01,877 into a sprawling monster location. 135 00:05:02,044 --> 00:05:03,251 What? 136 00:05:03,276 --> 00:05:06,990 Our beloved café will soon just be some Nars lipliners. 137 00:05:07,919 --> 00:05:10,045 Avenue B is going to become a giant aisle 138 00:05:10,091 --> 00:05:11,983 of Kat Von D's liquid lipsticks. 139 00:05:12,008 --> 00:05:13,191 That's a good lipstick. 140 00:05:13,216 --> 00:05:14,620 What about the Stomp theater? 141 00:05:14,645 --> 00:05:16,955 The Stomp theater will remain the Stomp theater. 142 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,912 - Thank god. - Wait a second. I'm sorry. 143 00:05:18,963 --> 00:05:20,151 Sephora can't just come in 144 00:05:20,183 --> 00:05:21,663 and take over an entire neighborhood? 145 00:05:21,687 --> 00:05:24,695 Now that corporations are a division of U. S. Military, 146 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,805 they can pretty much invade wherever they want. 147 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:29,135 - Panera Breads got nukes. - Oh, my god. 148 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:30,911 D's Cafe is no more. 149 00:05:31,001 --> 00:05:33,172 Fuck. 150 00:05:33,301 --> 00:05:35,632 Fuck. 151 00:05:35,706 --> 00:05:36,972 - Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. 152 00:05:36,997 --> 00:05:38,637 Right. It's not... 153 00:05:38,661 --> 00:05:40,206 you've been here, like, half a day. 154 00:05:43,046 --> 00:05:44,882 Welcome, 155 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:48,208 surviving members of PBS. 156 00:05:48,761 --> 00:05:51,076 Thank you for meeting me at my laundromat. 157 00:05:52,043 --> 00:05:54,808 Let's dive in before my towels are done. 158 00:05:54,974 --> 00:05:57,470 We need to go to Congress to ask for money. 159 00:05:57,674 --> 00:05:59,635 Well, it was Walt Gleacher's job to testify, 160 00:05:59,717 --> 00:06:01,075 and he died in the sinkhole. 161 00:06:01,114 --> 00:06:02,714 And all of his successors are dead too, 162 00:06:02,784 --> 00:06:05,459 due to unrelated Florida mayhem. 163 00:06:05,847 --> 00:06:07,273 So what are you saying, Gaby? 164 00:06:07,332 --> 00:06:09,332 If you don't make a plea to Congress, we're done. 165 00:06:09,462 --> 00:06:11,362 Gaby, I have insufferable stage fright. 166 00:06:11,711 --> 00:06:14,320 Are you okay with knowing that we're never gonna run 167 00:06:14,345 --> 00:06:16,515 another Wilco episode of "Austin City Limits"? 168 00:06:16,582 --> 00:06:19,002 Or broadcast Micky Dolenz's one-man show? 169 00:06:19,809 --> 00:06:21,461 No. 170 00:06:21,577 --> 00:06:23,535 I'm not okay with that. 171 00:06:24,385 --> 00:06:25,547 Good. 172 00:06:25,859 --> 00:06:26,987 Oh. 173 00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:28,014 My towels are done. 174 00:06:29,285 --> 00:06:31,121 Mom, if your AOL keeps crashing, 175 00:06:31,146 --> 00:06:33,571 that's just God's way of telling you to stop using AOL. 176 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,670 Please, don't evoke God. Just fix my email. 177 00:06:35,817 --> 00:06:37,272 Okay. 178 00:06:38,292 --> 00:06:39,459 What's your password? 179 00:06:39,546 --> 00:06:41,582 - Marilyn. - Marilyn. 180 00:06:41,704 --> 00:06:43,457 Mom, you have a lot of unreturned emails 181 00:06:43,482 --> 00:06:45,693 in your trash folder from your editor. 182 00:06:45,737 --> 00:06:48,325 "Where is the manuscript?" 183 00:06:48,399 --> 00:06:49,625 "Final notice"? 184 00:06:50,689 --> 00:06:52,426 Mom, your book is due tomorrow 185 00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:53,793 or else you lose your deal. 186 00:06:53,843 --> 00:06:55,846 I know! I know. I'm scared. 187 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,480 Well, you can't just ignore this 188 00:06:57,558 --> 00:06:58,889 and hope it goes away! 189 00:06:58,924 --> 00:07:00,244 Remember when I forgot to return. 190 00:07:00,268 --> 00:07:01,845 "King Ralph" to Blockbuster? 191 00:07:02,011 --> 00:07:03,731 And then as soon as I realized it was late, 192 00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:05,773 I hid it in the back of my closet for six months. 193 00:07:05,798 --> 00:07:06,645 Oh, I remember. 194 00:07:06,670 --> 00:07:08,256 I bailed you out. 195 00:07:08,350 --> 00:07:12,316 Now I have a $539 VHS copy of "King Ralph." 196 00:07:13,483 --> 00:07:15,157 If I don't hand in this manuscript, 197 00:07:15,182 --> 00:07:18,307 it will be the first time in my life that I've ever failed. 198 00:07:19,953 --> 00:07:21,711 Help me, Julie. 199 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,360 This was my "King Ralph." 200 00:07:26,282 --> 00:07:27,408 Brew a pot of coffee. 201 00:07:27,755 --> 00:07:29,257 Okay. 202 00:07:29,555 --> 00:07:31,597 Ah, wait. That's Esmerelda's job, 203 00:07:31,636 --> 00:07:33,889 and she's got Lupus again. That loafing Lucy. 204 00:07:33,958 --> 00:07:35,295 Do you really need coffee? 205 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,615 Yeah, because we're gonna stay up together all night 206 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:38,920 and we're gonna write your book. 207 00:07:38,962 --> 00:07:40,329 In one night? 208 00:07:40,363 --> 00:07:41,583 It's self help. 209 00:07:41,608 --> 00:07:43,778 It's all anecdotal and catchphrases. 210 00:07:44,002 --> 00:07:45,796 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I've got one. 211 00:07:45,910 --> 00:07:47,403 "Nobody asked me!" 212 00:07:47,445 --> 00:07:48,845 Yeah, we're not gonna use that one. 213 00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:50,781 Listen, the secret to writing is that you can't 214 00:07:50,806 --> 00:07:52,126 write and judge at the same time. 215 00:07:52,150 --> 00:07:53,986 You can either write or you can judge. 216 00:07:54,148 --> 00:07:56,443 So it's a two-man job! Okay, great. 217 00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:58,747 You write, I'll judge, and we'll 218 00:07:58,842 --> 00:08:01,226 get this fucker in the can by the crack of dawn! 219 00:08:02,519 --> 00:08:03,896 Siri? 220 00:08:03,990 --> 00:08:06,980 How does Es-mer-el-da 221 00:08:07,035 --> 00:08:09,580 make coffee? 222 00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:11,241 Question mark. 223 00:08:16,088 --> 00:08:17,755 - Hey. - Hey, Billy, 224 00:08:17,859 --> 00:08:19,446 try this water. 225 00:08:22,654 --> 00:08:24,134 You can't tell it's fracked, can you? 226 00:08:24,159 --> 00:08:26,087 Are you crazy? 227 00:08:26,188 --> 00:08:27,636 Is that safe? 228 00:08:27,691 --> 00:08:29,485 You tell me in two to three minutes. 229 00:08:29,522 --> 00:08:30,986 I guess they fracked this powder 230 00:08:31,028 --> 00:08:32,868 and then they combined it with another powder, 231 00:08:32,892 --> 00:08:34,480 and now it's a liquid? 232 00:08:34,584 --> 00:08:36,671 Anyway, pregnant women can't touch the bottle. 233 00:08:36,696 --> 00:08:37,789 What's up? 234 00:08:37,827 --> 00:08:40,279 I have been accused of being cold and avoidant, 235 00:08:40,332 --> 00:08:43,921 so I wanted to drop off this invitation in person. 236 00:08:44,921 --> 00:08:47,258 Billy, you're moving to L. A. 237 00:08:47,792 --> 00:08:50,591 And you tell me by inviting me to your going away party? 238 00:08:50,632 --> 00:08:52,301 Is that no bueno? 239 00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:53,740 What the fuck? 240 00:08:55,338 --> 00:08:57,191 I respect your lack of sentimentality, 241 00:08:57,216 --> 00:08:58,681 but this is just not how you say good-bye. 242 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,145 This is not how people say good-bye. 243 00:09:00,169 --> 00:09:01,419 I'm not saying good-bye! 244 00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:02,986 I'm just... I'm going out there 245 00:09:03,011 --> 00:09:04,490 for pilot season, and then if... 246 00:09:04,515 --> 00:09:05,915 If you book something, you'll stay? 247 00:09:05,940 --> 00:09:08,300 And maybe you'll stay in touch with me and maybe you won't? 248 00:09:08,324 --> 00:09:10,158 Todd, you are making a way bigger deal 249 00:09:10,192 --> 00:09:12,167 about this than you should, okay? 250 00:09:12,257 --> 00:09:14,009 Like when Gigi Hadid's publicist told her 251 00:09:14,057 --> 00:09:15,737 she was hosting the American Music Awards. 252 00:09:15,761 --> 00:09:17,625 That was a star-making moment for Gigi. 253 00:09:17,701 --> 00:09:20,456 That was a host-making moment for Gigi. 254 00:09:20,672 --> 00:09:23,034 Hey, I gotta get back to work. 255 00:09:25,348 --> 00:09:26,737 Okay. 256 00:09:28,156 --> 00:09:30,445 But just FYI about the water: 257 00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:33,458 My tongue is burning, and I can't feel my ears. 258 00:09:33,765 --> 00:09:35,685 And I'm usually not aware of my ears, 259 00:09:35,779 --> 00:09:38,232 but now it feels like they're missing. 260 00:09:38,295 --> 00:09:39,421 So no bueno? 261 00:09:42,151 --> 00:09:43,318 Nickname, 262 00:09:43,343 --> 00:09:44,877 I think I'm having a panic attack. 263 00:09:44,902 --> 00:09:46,455 Something is clearly askew: 264 00:09:46,504 --> 00:09:49,760 I forgot to match my pocket square with my socket square. 265 00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:51,711 What? Arthur, 266 00:09:51,798 --> 00:09:52,878 What are you talking about? 267 00:09:52,902 --> 00:09:54,664 Is this about your dead friends at PBS? 268 00:09:54,703 --> 00:09:57,432 I told you, they're happier in hell than they were in Florida. 269 00:09:57,554 --> 00:09:59,682 I wrote my mother's entire book last night. 270 00:09:59,918 --> 00:10:02,022 Sleepy Jubees needs a nap. 271 00:10:02,577 --> 00:10:05,331 I know you're tired, but I have to testify 272 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,667 on behalf of PBS in front of Congress. 273 00:10:07,692 --> 00:10:10,147 You're a seasoned performer. Give me some tips. 274 00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:11,602 Okay, well, here's your first tip: 275 00:10:11,626 --> 00:10:13,167 Never call a woman "seasoned." 276 00:10:13,228 --> 00:10:15,732 And acting is just imitating 277 00:10:15,787 --> 00:10:18,089 somebody else's acting, then passing it off as your own 278 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,165 like Christian Slater did with Jack Nicholson, 279 00:10:21,293 --> 00:10:23,825 or Mark Wahlberg did with a pile of bricks. 280 00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:25,559 Okay, that's good. Who shall I act like? 281 00:10:25,906 --> 00:10:27,586 James Cagney? 282 00:10:28,181 --> 00:10:29,551 Buddy Ebson. 283 00:10:30,268 --> 00:10:32,187 Hector Elizando. 284 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,773 To my wonderful husband, 285 00:10:36,954 --> 00:10:38,241 who's forcing me to pretend 286 00:10:38,266 --> 00:10:39,626 that I care that Billy is leaving, 287 00:10:39,662 --> 00:10:41,157 even though you know I don't. 288 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:42,742 What the hell? 289 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,817 Calm down, you babies. 290 00:10:45,007 --> 00:10:46,506 I just upgraded to this ski mask 291 00:10:46,578 --> 00:10:48,379 because I learned that makeup 292 00:10:48,404 --> 00:10:51,198 contains tiny transmitters that report your location. 293 00:10:51,310 --> 00:10:54,254 When you use products from the United States of Sephora, 294 00:10:54,359 --> 00:10:57,856 Uncle Sam knows exactly where you are. 295 00:10:57,993 --> 00:11:00,873 Lola, please... it's Billy's night. 296 00:11:00,947 --> 00:11:03,327 I got cast on "Supermarket Sweep!" 297 00:11:03,591 --> 00:11:04,758 Oh, my god! 298 00:11:04,783 --> 00:11:07,060 That's a real reason to celebrate! 299 00:11:07,761 --> 00:11:09,370 All right, let me just take these... 300 00:11:09,431 --> 00:11:10,845 I'm sorry... what the fuck 301 00:11:10,873 --> 00:11:12,126 do you think you're doing? 302 00:11:12,267 --> 00:11:13,633 I'm still working on this! 303 00:11:13,695 --> 00:11:15,196 I'm sorry. She hasn't slept in days. 304 00:11:15,229 --> 00:11:17,440 Oh, I'm gonna get you some apology fries. 305 00:11:17,989 --> 00:11:19,120 Yeah, see that you do. 306 00:11:19,145 --> 00:11:20,701 - All right. - Fuckin' Tony Hale. 307 00:11:20,726 --> 00:11:22,553 Fucking Tony Hale. 308 00:11:22,622 --> 00:11:25,377 So anyway, the "Sweep" producers showed me this 309 00:11:25,672 --> 00:11:29,599 darling little movie about how psychotherapy murders people. 310 00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:32,285 And then they had me hold these two little metal cans 311 00:11:32,310 --> 00:11:34,449 that were called, like, um, like a she-meter? 312 00:11:34,510 --> 00:11:35,518 Matthew, that sounds like Scient... 313 00:11:35,542 --> 00:11:37,544 Nuh-nuh-nuh. Shh. Let's see how this plays out. 314 00:11:37,596 --> 00:11:39,141 So proud of you. So proud of you. 315 00:11:40,036 --> 00:11:41,345 It's Todd. 316 00:11:41,413 --> 00:11:43,500 Hey, are you coming? 317 00:11:43,708 --> 00:11:45,957 Well, what's the point if it's not really good-bye? 318 00:11:46,030 --> 00:11:48,023 Well, no, I told you it's not a good-bye party. 319 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:51,251 It's just... it's just a party. 320 00:11:51,399 --> 00:11:52,814 Maybe call me once you get to LA 321 00:11:52,839 --> 00:11:54,614 and realize you're all alone, okay? 322 00:11:55,398 --> 00:11:58,146 Looky, looky, looky, looky, looky, looky. 323 00:11:58,226 --> 00:11:59,394 What the fuck are these? 324 00:11:59,429 --> 00:12:01,186 Apology fries have cheese! 325 00:12:01,446 --> 00:12:02,494 Cheese! 326 00:12:02,532 --> 00:12:03,713 Fuck! 327 00:12:03,754 --> 00:12:04,800 - Fuck! - Yeah, exactly. 328 00:12:04,843 --> 00:12:06,429 Oh, stupid Tony. 329 00:12:06,454 --> 00:12:08,332 Get your shit together, Hale! 330 00:12:08,549 --> 00:12:09,968 Shit! Shit. 331 00:12:14,961 --> 00:12:15,962 Billy. 332 00:12:16,064 --> 00:12:17,236 Billy! 333 00:12:17,262 --> 00:12:18,805 Billy, what's going on? Talk to me. 334 00:12:18,846 --> 00:12:21,267 What's going on is that I'm full of shit. 335 00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:22,723 Not saying good-bye 336 00:12:22,747 --> 00:12:24,452 doesn't mean I'm not leaving. 337 00:12:24,665 --> 00:12:26,208 I don't want to lose you. 338 00:12:26,422 --> 00:12:28,216 I know I should say something supportive, 339 00:12:28,241 --> 00:12:30,879 but what's to become of me, Billy? 340 00:12:30,904 --> 00:12:32,894 I don't want to be the free radical of hags, 341 00:12:32,967 --> 00:12:34,469 floating around without a partner! 342 00:12:34,569 --> 00:12:36,321 Think about all the terrible gays 343 00:12:36,346 --> 00:12:38,308 I could attract as a new best friend: 344 00:12:38,687 --> 00:12:41,465 A guy that does autobiographical shows at piano bars, 345 00:12:41,490 --> 00:12:42,622 someone in fashion! 346 00:12:42,647 --> 00:12:43,736 What about me? 347 00:12:43,761 --> 00:12:45,881 What kind of nightmare hags in LA am I gonna attract? 348 00:12:46,030 --> 00:12:48,762 A burlesque dancer! A Groundling! 349 00:12:49,057 --> 00:12:50,204 I'm gonna throw up. 350 00:12:50,242 --> 00:12:52,255 - A Groundling, Julie! - I'm gonna throw up! 351 00:12:52,358 --> 00:12:54,217 A Groundling! 352 00:12:55,309 --> 00:12:56,717 What if I come with you? 353 00:12:56,821 --> 00:12:59,243 No, you can't come with me. That's crazy. 354 00:12:59,395 --> 00:13:01,732 Just enough time to get you settled. 355 00:13:02,645 --> 00:13:04,525 I guess that would mean that we'd never have to 356 00:13:04,549 --> 00:13:06,802 say good-bye or deal with our feelings! 357 00:13:07,229 --> 00:13:10,521 Billiam, let's go ruin another city! 358 00:13:10,628 --> 00:13:11,714 Yes! 359 00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:17,173 Welcome to Los Angeles! 360 00:13:17,252 --> 00:13:19,941 I'm Cashton, the manager here at Orenthal rental car. 361 00:13:20,082 --> 00:13:21,609 I'm more of a performer than an actor, 362 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,093 but, yes, I can sing. 363 00:13:23,366 --> 00:13:24,926 Here's my headshot and résumé 364 00:13:24,951 --> 00:13:26,922 and a printed out list of inflammatory foods 365 00:13:26,947 --> 00:13:28,646 my nutritionist recommends avoiding. 366 00:13:28,735 --> 00:13:29,923 How was y'all's flight? 367 00:13:31,539 --> 00:13:33,657 Oh, shit. It's Arthur. 368 00:13:33,864 --> 00:13:36,452 Hi. I am so sorry 369 00:13:36,477 --> 00:13:38,313 I forgot to tell you that I left for LA. 370 00:13:38,583 --> 00:13:40,039 How long will you be there? 371 00:13:40,101 --> 00:13:42,430 Just long enough to make sure Billy's settled. 372 00:13:42,499 --> 00:13:44,001 But, honestly, who knows? 373 00:13:44,026 --> 00:13:45,386 Maybe I'll really love it out here 374 00:13:45,411 --> 00:13:46,698 and both of us can move here. 375 00:13:55,850 --> 00:13:58,645 Okay, love you. Bye. 376 00:13:59,785 --> 00:14:01,334 It'll be fine. You've done worse. 377 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,401 That's true. 378 00:14:03,747 --> 00:14:05,347 What kind of car are y'all looking for? 379 00:14:06,250 --> 00:14:08,253 Yellow. Blue? 380 00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:09,665 I have a hybrid coupe. 381 00:14:09,744 --> 00:14:11,264 - Ooh! - Oh, coupe. I've heard of that. 382 00:14:11,288 --> 00:14:12,888 Yeah, me too. It's like the Beach Boys. 383 00:14:12,913 --> 00:14:14,753 - Yeah, it's like fun. - And big. 384 00:14:16,408 --> 00:14:17,523 So what should we do first? 385 00:14:17,548 --> 00:14:19,829 Should we do the Harrison Ford tour of plane crash sites? 386 00:14:19,906 --> 00:14:21,540 Oh, let's go to the Magic Castle 387 00:14:21,565 --> 00:14:23,125 and vandalize Neil Patrick Harris' car. 388 00:14:23,149 --> 00:14:24,090 Yes! 389 00:14:24,115 --> 00:14:26,315 I just want to drop off my stuff first, if that's okay. 390 00:14:26,339 --> 00:14:27,826 It says here the place I'm staying, 391 00:14:27,851 --> 00:14:30,119 The Silkwood, is only 5 miles away. 392 00:14:30,207 --> 00:14:31,596 "The Silkwood, short-term housing 393 00:14:31,651 --> 00:14:33,091 "for people who haven't yet accepted 394 00:14:33,115 --> 00:14:34,889 they will be in Los Angeles forever." 395 00:14:34,914 --> 00:14:36,776 - And it's only five miles away? - That's what it says. 396 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,480 That's perfect. We'll drop off your stuff; 397 00:14:38,505 --> 00:14:39,985 We'll have the whole day ahead of us! 398 00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:41,009 I love it. 399 00:14:43,026 --> 00:14:45,497 Hey, why are they all stopped up there? 400 00:14:46,004 --> 00:14:47,123 Ugh. 401 00:14:47,148 --> 00:14:49,571 That traffic was like the first scene in "La La Land." 402 00:14:50,209 --> 00:14:51,279 It sucked. 403 00:14:51,667 --> 00:14:54,903 Hello? Is anybody here? 404 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,188 Welcome to The Silkwood. 405 00:15:03,989 --> 00:15:06,926 I'm Joan Gentile. I'm the landlady here. 406 00:15:07,869 --> 00:15:10,206 It was the pictures that got small. 407 00:15:10,454 --> 00:15:12,167 I'm not a ghost. 408 00:15:12,239 --> 00:15:14,409 Would you like to show yourselves around? 409 00:15:14,610 --> 00:15:15,815 Oh, yeah. 410 00:15:15,902 --> 00:15:17,203 That'd be great. Thank you. 411 00:15:22,102 --> 00:15:24,899 My husband was a homosexual too. 412 00:15:28,101 --> 00:15:30,521 "The Silkwood boasts family-style housing 413 00:15:30,546 --> 00:15:32,092 "for stage moms and the kids 414 00:15:32,117 --> 00:15:34,620 "they force to live out their broken dreams. 415 00:15:34,772 --> 00:15:36,559 "Children are tutored poolside, 416 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:39,730 "which we call home-pooling instead of home-schooling. 417 00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:41,616 Get it?" 418 00:15:42,064 --> 00:15:43,985 Yeah, I get it. 419 00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:49,095 Let's find my apartment. 420 00:15:49,719 --> 00:15:53,232 "This part of The Silkwood was originally a mental hospital 421 00:15:53,308 --> 00:15:54,976 "that burned for three days straight 422 00:15:55,001 --> 00:15:57,088 "but never turned to ash. 423 00:15:57,298 --> 00:15:59,001 "Now it houses men who are depressed 424 00:15:59,026 --> 00:16:00,613 for all kinds of reasons." 425 00:16:02,433 --> 00:16:04,078 The weather's nice. 426 00:16:05,710 --> 00:16:07,595 Home sweet home! 427 00:16:21,471 --> 00:16:22,848 It looked different online. 428 00:16:23,055 --> 00:16:24,356 How so? 429 00:16:25,373 --> 00:16:28,178 I can't believe we're saying good-bye to this place. 430 00:16:28,676 --> 00:16:30,050 This was our dream. 431 00:16:30,186 --> 00:16:31,748 I've only known you a day and a half, 432 00:16:31,773 --> 00:16:34,319 but it is really hard to break up the gang. 433 00:16:34,437 --> 00:16:36,523 This is the saddest day of my life... 434 00:16:36,751 --> 00:16:39,076 watching the government shut down another small business. 435 00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:40,853 I feel as useless as the CrossFit equipment 436 00:16:40,877 --> 00:16:42,595 in Mitch McConnell's basement. 437 00:16:42,763 --> 00:16:44,697 I'm sorry we couldn't raise the money. 438 00:16:44,779 --> 00:16:46,419 Look, there was just no way we were gonna 439 00:16:46,443 --> 00:16:47,752 come up with that kind of cash. 440 00:16:47,777 --> 00:16:49,617 Wait, you guys had the option to buy the cafe? 441 00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,522 Why didn't you say so? I have money in savings. 442 00:16:51,546 --> 00:16:52,622 How much money? 443 00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:05,110 I can't see that far away. 444 00:17:05,171 --> 00:17:06,252 ♪ De-de-DEE-de-de-de-duh ♪ 445 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,558 ♪ "Supermarket Sweep!" ♪ 446 00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:11,506 Matty, you came in your sailor costume to cheer me up! 447 00:17:11,721 --> 00:17:14,268 Also because I have wonderful news! 448 00:17:14,293 --> 00:17:16,429 I've been asked to join a boat-based division 449 00:17:16,454 --> 00:17:19,417 of "Supermarket Sweep" called the Sea Orj! 450 00:17:19,453 --> 00:17:21,690 The Sea Org. 451 00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:24,255 No, it's "orj," like orgy. 452 00:17:24,556 --> 00:17:29,649 Anyway, the producers asked me to sign a billion-year contract. 453 00:17:29,688 --> 00:17:30,982 What? 454 00:17:31,007 --> 00:17:32,508 And I'm doing it. 455 00:17:33,888 --> 00:17:35,448 Good-bye forever! 456 00:17:37,247 --> 00:17:38,374 Push. 457 00:17:39,898 --> 00:17:41,293 Push! 458 00:17:41,631 --> 00:17:42,842 Oh. 459 00:17:44,067 --> 00:17:45,857 Ah, West Hollywood. 460 00:17:45,918 --> 00:17:48,214 I could choke on the smell of prep and spray tan 461 00:17:48,248 --> 00:17:50,751 if it weren't for the smog evening them out. 462 00:17:50,779 --> 00:17:52,360 Yeah, but there's space, 463 00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:54,158 and people pee where they're supposed to... 464 00:17:54,349 --> 00:17:56,569 in toilets, or each others' mouths. 465 00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,343 My god, how'd you get so sunburned so quickly? 466 00:17:59,432 --> 00:18:00,912 Is that just since we parked the car? 467 00:18:00,937 --> 00:18:01,978 Yep. 468 00:18:02,003 --> 00:18:03,227 Hey, will you check the guidebook 469 00:18:03,251 --> 00:18:04,534 for somewhere to eat, someplace that doesn't 470 00:18:04,558 --> 00:18:05,932 have fruit listed as dessert? 471 00:18:06,028 --> 00:18:07,154 Oh, yeah. Sure. 472 00:18:07,475 --> 00:18:09,031 - Welcome! - Hi. 473 00:18:09,091 --> 00:18:11,451 Would you like to sit in the "bread" or "no bread" section? 474 00:18:13,295 --> 00:18:15,485 Aww. Bread it is. 475 00:18:16,326 --> 00:18:18,421 Oh, my god, Julie, this place is a landmark. 476 00:18:18,482 --> 00:18:20,202 One of these tables is where Bryan Singer's 477 00:18:20,226 --> 00:18:22,070 accusers first met with their lawyer. 478 00:18:22,508 --> 00:18:25,227 Would you like a laptop cord, or did you bring your own? 479 00:18:25,302 --> 00:18:26,419 Excuse me? 480 00:18:26,465 --> 00:18:27,585 I assumed you were a writer, 481 00:18:27,610 --> 00:18:29,443 based on your age, weight, and bread. 482 00:18:29,507 --> 00:18:30,769 No, thank you. 483 00:18:30,834 --> 00:18:32,474 But I did have a question about the menu. 484 00:18:32,498 --> 00:18:35,085 What's the closest thing you guys have to a hot dog? 485 00:18:35,179 --> 00:18:38,122 We do have a Downward Facing Dog, it's like an ex... 486 00:18:38,643 --> 00:18:40,022 - Fuck you. - Okay. 487 00:18:40,089 --> 00:18:43,303 I'll be back to tell you about my roller derby team. 488 00:18:43,743 --> 00:18:45,036 Hey. Hi. 489 00:18:45,061 --> 00:18:46,220 I don't work here. 490 00:18:46,245 --> 00:18:48,332 My name is Flute, and I'm a doula. 491 00:18:48,535 --> 00:18:51,958 And you seem pregnant. So I'd love to give you my card. 492 00:18:53,229 --> 00:18:55,316 It would be my absolute privilege 493 00:18:55,341 --> 00:18:57,598 to go on this journey with you. 494 00:19:00,289 --> 00:19:02,844 Billy, I don't know how much more of this I can take. 495 00:19:03,149 --> 00:19:05,225 Don't look now, but Terrance Howard is at the 496 00:19:05,250 --> 00:19:07,911 table behind you, and he just took out his classical guitar. 497 00:19:07,936 --> 00:19:09,496 Oh, my god! 498 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,218 - We have to get out of here. - I know. 499 00:19:12,275 --> 00:19:14,191 Dr. Ben Carson, it's me. 500 00:19:14,567 --> 00:19:16,240 Dr. Marilyn Kessler. 501 00:19:16,426 --> 00:19:18,887 Remember we met in Maryland at that one country club 502 00:19:18,912 --> 00:19:20,333 that let both of us in? 503 00:19:20,395 --> 00:19:22,231 Well, I'm just calling for patient referrals. 504 00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:24,461 Not that I think my book is going to fail. 505 00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:25,955 Oh... hold on. I have another call. 506 00:19:26,122 --> 00:19:27,648 Hold on. Yes? 507 00:19:27,723 --> 00:19:29,250 Marilyn Kessler. 508 00:19:29,337 --> 00:19:31,297 I had a bet going with my assistant about whether 509 00:19:31,321 --> 00:19:32,799 you'd have to return your advance. 510 00:19:32,879 --> 00:19:36,886 Anyway, long story short, now he has to fuck me. 511 00:19:36,988 --> 00:19:39,534 I'm not sure who lost that bet. 512 00:19:39,602 --> 00:19:41,335 But did you like my book? 513 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,821 No. 514 00:19:42,897 --> 00:19:44,441 I fucking love it! 515 00:19:44,602 --> 00:19:45,684 Really??? 516 00:19:45,709 --> 00:19:47,069 I'm pushing up its release date. 517 00:19:47,094 --> 00:19:48,381 This book will even outsell. 518 00:19:48,406 --> 00:19:49,992 "The Outsider Art of the DC Sniper." 519 00:19:50,158 --> 00:19:53,080 Oh, Veronica, I am over the moon! 520 00:19:53,241 --> 00:19:54,590 I just have one question 521 00:19:54,615 --> 00:19:56,550 before I get back to hog-tying my assistant. 522 00:19:56,641 --> 00:19:58,481 This book is so different from everything else 523 00:19:58,505 --> 00:20:00,896 you've sent me so far. What happened? 524 00:20:01,317 --> 00:20:03,453 Well, I guess I just found my voice 525 00:20:03,478 --> 00:20:05,027 and learned how to use her. 526 00:20:05,052 --> 00:20:06,092 It. 527 00:20:06,117 --> 00:20:07,577 My... my voice. 528 00:20:07,965 --> 00:20:09,102 My voice. 529 00:20:09,127 --> 00:20:10,253 My... me. 530 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,383 Me. 531 00:20:12,564 --> 00:20:14,644 Distinguished members of the committee, 532 00:20:14,770 --> 00:20:15,973 I am here to remind you 533 00:20:16,029 --> 00:20:18,488 of the importance of public broadcasting. 534 00:20:20,024 --> 00:20:22,487 In 1970... 535 00:20:22,661 --> 00:20:23,733 In... 536 00:20:23,803 --> 00:20:25,881 In 1970, our... Oh. 537 00:20:25,957 --> 00:20:26,959 Uh... 538 00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:32,649 I meant to do that. 539 00:20:32,989 --> 00:20:35,828 Please accept my most sincere apologies. 540 00:20:35,889 --> 00:20:38,056 Are you doing Cary Grant? 541 00:20:38,542 --> 00:20:41,171 Are you doing Tony Curtis doing Cary Grant? 542 00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:44,598 Oh. You dirty rat! 543 00:20:44,982 --> 00:20:46,980 Well, I certainly didn't expect to be called 544 00:20:47,005 --> 00:20:48,840 a dirty rat this morning. 545 00:20:49,214 --> 00:20:50,410 Next! 546 00:20:50,435 --> 00:20:52,104 Come on, Arthur. Imitate somebody. 547 00:20:52,129 --> 00:20:54,466 Who would deal with this situation best? 548 00:20:54,824 --> 00:20:58,152 Cheese! 549 00:21:00,265 --> 00:21:02,225 Oh, I'm sorry... 550 00:21:02,249 --> 00:21:04,126 what the fuck do you think you're doing? 551 00:21:04,459 --> 00:21:05,979 Reynolds, put back the water 552 00:21:06,081 --> 00:21:08,085 and bring him some apology fries as well. 553 00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:11,103 Now... 554 00:21:11,224 --> 00:21:12,419 here's what's gonna do. 555 00:21:12,444 --> 00:21:14,656 You're gonna give PBS the money we need, 556 00:21:15,016 --> 00:21:16,915 and you're going to do it now. 557 00:21:16,965 --> 00:21:18,744 Apology fries have cheese! 558 00:21:21,429 --> 00:21:23,735 Hey, Billy, not that my positivity 559 00:21:23,794 --> 00:21:25,628 is wearing thin or anything, 560 00:21:25,738 --> 00:21:27,449 but do you think there's, like, a tram 561 00:21:27,474 --> 00:21:29,477 that could take us up to the top of this... 562 00:21:29,534 --> 00:21:31,927 I want to say, dirt building? 563 00:21:31,987 --> 00:21:34,532 Oh no, Jules, you look even redder than before. 564 00:21:34,647 --> 00:21:36,767 Do you have a particularly high Rotten Tomatoes score 565 00:21:36,791 --> 00:21:38,245 or is your sunburn getting worse? 566 00:21:38,313 --> 00:21:39,511 I think it might be having 567 00:21:39,536 --> 00:21:40,936 an allergic reaction to that bread. 568 00:21:41,139 --> 00:21:42,231 Of course! 569 00:21:42,256 --> 00:21:43,576 There's no gluten in bread in LA. 570 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,274 - It's all nuts and sap. - Oh, shit. 571 00:21:45,362 --> 00:21:47,411 I don't think I'm going into anaphylactic shock, 572 00:21:47,436 --> 00:21:48,860 but maybe we should get a fresh Epi-Pen 573 00:21:48,884 --> 00:21:49,959 just to be safe, you know? 574 00:21:49,984 --> 00:21:51,188 Hey! Hey! Pregnant writer? 575 00:21:51,213 --> 00:21:53,342 It's me, Flute the doula! 576 00:21:53,443 --> 00:21:56,281 And lucky for you, I'm also a licensed healologist 577 00:21:56,349 --> 00:21:57,850 with a specialty in eavesdropping. 578 00:21:57,875 --> 00:21:59,401 And I heard that maybe you thought 579 00:21:59,426 --> 00:22:01,198 you were having some kind of allergic reaction? 580 00:22:01,222 --> 00:22:03,155 Yeah, do you know where the closest pharmacy is? 581 00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:05,180 Because we can't any cell phone reception up here. 582 00:22:05,204 --> 00:22:07,088 Wow, pharmacies. 583 00:22:07,192 --> 00:22:09,934 I mean, I could direct you to the nearest "CVS." 584 00:22:09,978 --> 00:22:12,969 but I think this would actually help you a lot more. 585 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,552 It's my healologist license. 586 00:22:17,709 --> 00:22:19,805 Call me when you're ready for the medicine 587 00:22:19,830 --> 00:22:21,332 that will really help you: 588 00:22:21,394 --> 00:22:23,009 Me telling you over and over again 589 00:22:23,085 --> 00:22:25,531 that whatever you're feeling is all in your head. 590 00:22:25,764 --> 00:22:27,564 Please don't take this the wrong way, Flute, 591 00:22:27,589 --> 00:22:29,521 but I hope you die of a preventable disease. 592 00:22:29,688 --> 00:22:31,816 Let's go get you an Epi-Pen. Excuse us. 593 00:22:32,233 --> 00:22:34,279 Holy shit! Is that a fucking rattlesnake? 594 00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:37,042 Holy shit! 595 00:22:37,067 --> 00:22:39,267 Is that Aaron Sorkin meeting with the Duplass brothers? 596 00:22:39,346 --> 00:22:41,431 No! No! 597 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:43,445 Oh, shit. We're trapped. 598 00:22:43,522 --> 00:22:45,692 We're trapped! Where do we go? 599 00:22:45,717 --> 00:22:47,428 Well, first we're going to CVS, 600 00:22:47,572 --> 00:22:49,826 and then I'm dropping you off at the airport. 601 00:22:50,505 --> 00:22:53,002 What? No, no, no! 602 00:22:53,054 --> 00:22:54,974 I'm supposed to stay here until you get settled! 603 00:22:54,998 --> 00:22:56,548 We've been in L. A. 24 hours, 604 00:22:56,576 --> 00:22:58,156 and you might actually die. 605 00:22:58,241 --> 00:22:59,869 But how are we going to stay in touch? 606 00:23:00,310 --> 00:23:02,301 We'll Facetime and we'll Skype 607 00:23:02,326 --> 00:23:04,204 and, you know, we'll text each other 608 00:23:04,229 --> 00:23:06,610 more constantly than we already do. 609 00:23:06,895 --> 00:23:08,272 It will be okay. 610 00:23:08,534 --> 00:23:09,773 Will it? 611 00:23:10,925 --> 00:23:12,725 I don't know. 612 00:23:13,610 --> 00:23:15,280 I don't know. 613 00:23:18,804 --> 00:23:21,725 Hello. Welcome to Lola's D's Café. 614 00:23:22,112 --> 00:23:23,482 Here is a menu, 615 00:23:23,507 --> 00:23:25,970 and a complimentary surveillance-free mascara. 616 00:23:25,995 --> 00:23:27,497 Because beauty is knowing 617 00:23:27,523 --> 00:23:29,275 the government isn't watching you. 618 00:23:29,509 --> 00:23:32,098 Have a seat, and I'll be back to take your order 619 00:23:32,123 --> 00:23:34,203 and answer any questions you may have about the line 620 00:23:34,227 --> 00:23:35,667 of tracker-free makeup I've created. 621 00:23:35,691 --> 00:23:38,203 I cannot believe she's actually our partner. 622 00:23:38,465 --> 00:23:42,263 We did the right thing. Lola saved us from Sephora. 623 00:23:42,515 --> 00:23:44,516 Hey, Lola, I don't get it. 624 00:23:44,549 --> 00:23:45,782 If you're this loaded, 625 00:23:45,807 --> 00:23:47,685 why were you waiting tables to begin with? 626 00:23:47,716 --> 00:23:49,885 I am passionate about the food service industry, 627 00:23:49,913 --> 00:23:51,666 especially now that I'm in charge. 628 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,640 Did y'all read the new employee handbook? 629 00:23:53,665 --> 00:23:56,086 It opens with a chart connecting JFK's assassination 630 00:23:56,163 --> 00:23:57,703 to Marisa Tomei's Oscar. 631 00:23:57,756 --> 00:23:59,550 I couldn't understand that manifesto. 632 00:23:59,638 --> 00:24:01,393 You should take this job more seriously, 633 00:24:01,436 --> 00:24:03,236 since LA chewed you up and spit you out again 634 00:24:03,260 --> 00:24:04,884 like an actress eating lunch. 635 00:24:04,938 --> 00:24:06,112 Nobody spit me out. 636 00:24:06,137 --> 00:24:08,145 Except for that Uber driver. Pussy. 637 00:24:08,297 --> 00:24:11,076 I came back because I got cast on "Blue Bloods," 638 00:24:11,101 --> 00:24:12,670 which happens to shoot here. 639 00:24:12,695 --> 00:24:15,167 And it is not your fault, thespian. 640 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,448 Percy the gay nephew got cut down to background. 641 00:24:17,515 --> 00:24:19,755 But they're gonna bring that little gay boy back, right? 642 00:24:19,786 --> 00:24:21,186 I mean, I hope they bring him back, 643 00:24:21,238 --> 00:24:22,268 Because, contractually, I'm not allowed 644 00:24:22,292 --> 00:24:23,586 to appear on any other shows. 645 00:24:23,851 --> 00:24:25,462 Uh, table for one. 646 00:24:25,510 --> 00:24:27,180 Matthew, oh, my god! 647 00:24:29,227 --> 00:24:32,899 Mama Dee, you are looking at the first homosexual 648 00:24:32,954 --> 00:24:35,083 to ever be kicked out of Scientology instead 649 00:24:35,171 --> 00:24:36,906 of being blackmailed to stay in. 650 00:24:36,931 --> 00:24:38,001 So you finally figured out 651 00:24:38,026 --> 00:24:39,952 there's no "Supermarket Sweep" reboot. 652 00:24:40,069 --> 00:24:42,320 Of course not. Don't be such an SP! 653 00:24:42,419 --> 00:24:44,505 Well, this is cause to celebrate. 654 00:24:45,109 --> 00:24:47,462 Matthew, you're rehired. 655 00:24:47,487 --> 00:24:49,365 Tony, you're fired. 656 00:24:49,695 --> 00:24:51,110 F it all to H. 657 00:24:51,135 --> 00:24:52,143 Hey... I'm part owner. 658 00:24:52,168 --> 00:24:54,746 I get to make these decisions, too. Tony... 659 00:24:54,771 --> 00:24:56,149 - Yes? - You're fired. 660 00:24:56,323 --> 00:24:57,866 Damn it! 661 00:24:57,891 --> 00:24:59,018 Damn it! 662 00:25:00,541 --> 00:25:02,752 Oh. Ben Carson? 663 00:25:02,777 --> 00:25:05,449 Have you been on hold all this time? 664 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,358 I've got to go, I'm doing. 665 00:25:07,383 --> 00:25:09,936 "Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen." 666 00:25:13,733 --> 00:25:15,538 Welcome back to "Watch What Happens Live." 667 00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:17,151 I'm Andy Cohen, and I'm here with 668 00:25:17,176 --> 00:25:19,596 the best-seller author of "Finding My Voice" 669 00:25:19,706 --> 00:25:22,336 and the Countess Luann's former therapist, 670 00:25:22,410 --> 00:25:24,374 Dr. Marilyn Kessler. 671 00:25:24,399 --> 00:25:27,237 I cannot tell you how honored I am that I am here 672 00:25:27,262 --> 00:25:30,461 because you love my book so much I'm your only guest. 673 00:25:30,557 --> 00:25:32,980 Yeah, that's exactly why you're my only guest; 674 00:25:33,005 --> 00:25:34,805 Not because Sheree Whitfield has been 675 00:25:34,830 --> 00:25:37,542 stuck in an elevator for the past 45 minutes. 676 00:25:37,611 --> 00:25:40,868 I agree, my book is extremely brave. 677 00:25:41,201 --> 00:25:42,279 I actually didn't... 678 00:25:42,304 --> 00:25:43,724 Well, Andy, you do not get to spend 679 00:25:43,749 --> 00:25:46,527 two months on top of "The New York Times" bestseller list 680 00:25:46,552 --> 00:25:48,285 if you're cowardly. 681 00:25:48,408 --> 00:25:51,730 Marilyn, you are very honest in your book about 682 00:25:51,755 --> 00:25:55,286 the pursuit of happiness without more antidepressants. 683 00:25:55,311 --> 00:25:56,674 Honest. 684 00:25:56,829 --> 00:25:58,789 What was your favorite part of writing the book? 685 00:25:58,939 --> 00:26:01,436 Getting my hair done, and raising my rates... 686 00:26:01,512 --> 00:26:03,473 well, and I mean helping people. 687 00:26:03,634 --> 00:26:07,454 And I enjoyed being there for the actual writing. 688 00:26:07,535 --> 00:26:10,442 It's rare that you get to spend so much time with your... 689 00:26:10,733 --> 00:26:12,736 voice... without fighting. 690 00:26:12,797 --> 00:26:14,197 I've been trying to become a writer 691 00:26:14,221 --> 00:26:15,603 so I don't become my mother. 692 00:26:15,703 --> 00:26:17,539 Now I finally have success as a writer, 693 00:26:17,564 --> 00:26:19,622 and all I had to do is become my mother. 694 00:26:19,682 --> 00:26:20,923 What are you watching? 695 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,680 That doesn't sound like "Independent Lens." 696 00:26:22,704 --> 00:26:24,687 I had to take a break from PBS to watch my mom 697 00:26:24,712 --> 00:26:26,512 on "Watch What Happens Live" from last night. 698 00:26:26,536 --> 00:26:28,161 She's gonna quiz me about it later. 699 00:26:28,277 --> 00:26:29,866 Pencils down, Lady Foot Locker. 700 00:26:29,919 --> 00:26:31,179 Breakfast is served. 701 00:26:31,204 --> 00:26:32,884 You know, I don't mean to sound ungrateful 702 00:26:32,909 --> 00:26:34,712 I know you got me the job and everything; 703 00:26:34,977 --> 00:26:38,377 It's just recapping PBS shows for PBS 704 00:26:38,721 --> 00:26:40,960 seems more useless than shaving your pussy 705 00:26:41,037 --> 00:26:43,416 before you go to a "Sound of Music" singalong. 706 00:26:43,464 --> 00:26:44,650 I can't disagree, but 707 00:26:44,675 --> 00:26:46,636 a lot of people enjoy PBS's Online Presence. 708 00:26:46,969 --> 00:26:48,604 When do I get paid again? 709 00:26:48,652 --> 00:26:51,156 Ooh, funny you should ask, Senate Floor. 710 00:26:51,181 --> 00:26:53,030 The government funding just came through! 711 00:26:53,055 --> 00:26:54,336 PBS finally got the check! 712 00:26:54,361 --> 00:26:57,032 - Congratulations. - ♪ Ta-da ♪ 713 00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:58,870 That says "TBS." 714 00:26:58,895 --> 00:27:00,981 Yeah, they misunderstood. 715 00:27:01,165 --> 00:27:03,549 That's why it says "Very Funny" on the memo line. 716 00:27:03,604 --> 00:27:05,899 Anyway, it's easy to change a T to a P. 717 00:27:12,044 --> 00:27:13,119 I'm gone for 6 months, 718 00:27:13,144 --> 00:27:14,784 and they turned the Broadway Dance School 719 00:27:14,808 --> 00:27:16,767 into an NYU dorm with a Chase Bank in the lobby? 720 00:27:16,816 --> 00:27:19,170 Yeah, the only thing that never changes about New York 721 00:27:19,195 --> 00:27:20,595 is people in New York talking about 722 00:27:20,620 --> 00:27:21,746 how New York has changed. 723 00:27:21,816 --> 00:27:23,159 Very true. Hey. 724 00:27:23,184 --> 00:27:25,465 Todd's working late tonight. Do you wanna go see a movie? 725 00:27:25,489 --> 00:27:26,071 Yeah! 726 00:27:26,109 --> 00:27:27,402 I'm in the mood for something really awful, 727 00:27:27,426 --> 00:27:29,394 like maybe something from the Dirtyverse. 728 00:27:29,497 --> 00:27:32,120 Ah, you mean like, "Dirty Grandpa," "Bad Santa." 729 00:27:32,197 --> 00:27:34,362 "Bad Moms," "Bad Teacher,". 730 00:27:34,387 --> 00:27:35,667 "Horrible Bosses." 731 00:27:35,729 --> 00:27:37,447 Yeah, "Crappy Cousin." 732 00:27:37,472 --> 00:27:39,308 "Lousy Abortionist." 733 00:27:39,609 --> 00:27:40,777 "Gross Ghost." 734 00:27:40,802 --> 00:27:42,346 "Perverted Architect." 735 00:27:42,371 --> 00:27:43,539 "Cunty Kid." 736 00:27:45,795 --> 00:27:47,755 Should we really see "Dr. Doolittle 2," 737 00:27:47,780 --> 00:27:49,408 or should we just give that money 738 00:27:49,433 --> 00:27:50,975 to The Gay Men's Health Crisis? 739 00:27:51,050 --> 00:27:53,210 I'm having a Gay Men's Mental Health Crisis of my own 740 00:27:53,235 --> 00:27:54,515 just thinking about Eddie Murphy 741 00:27:54,539 --> 00:27:56,934 talking to an alligator with the voice of Kevin Pollak. 742 00:27:57,100 --> 00:27:58,722 What else is playing? 743 00:27:58,943 --> 00:28:01,106 Well, if you're in the mood to watch "King Ralph," 744 00:28:01,131 --> 00:28:02,865 I happen to own a very expensive copy. 745 00:28:02,977 --> 00:28:05,005 - Oh, I love "King Ralph!" - Yeah. 746 00:28:05,085 --> 00:28:06,962 - I'm Billy, by the way. - I'm Julie. 747 00:28:07,130 --> 00:28:09,272 You know, I don't think I've ever said this once 748 00:28:09,340 --> 00:28:12,642 in my life, but it's nice to meet you. 749 00:28:19,746 --> 00:28:24,746 synced & corrected by PopcornAWH www.addic7ed.com. 750 00:28:54,467 --> 00:28:56,739 La la la. Oh, my God. 54428

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