Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,983 --> 00:00:03,281
Can I get a diet coke?
2
00:00:03,306 --> 00:00:05,331
- Can I get a smile?
- Excuse me?
3
00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:07,375
Life's not so bad. You should smile.
4
00:00:07,453 --> 00:00:08,997
She doesn't have to take
any orders from you.
5
00:00:09,021 --> 00:00:10,538
Yeah, how does it feel
to be on the wrong side
6
00:00:10,562 --> 00:00:12,289
- of the war against women?
- Fuck you!
7
00:00:12,328 --> 00:00:13,570
- Fuck you!
- Get outta here.
8
00:00:13,626 --> 00:00:14,904
No diet Coke. How 'bout that?
9
00:00:14,945 --> 00:00:17,304
Oh, please. Like you're the
only diet Coke in the city?
10
00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:19,085
We'll get our own. Thanks very much.
11
00:00:19,131 --> 00:00:21,079
There's diet Coke
everywhere here, asshole.
12
00:00:21,128 --> 00:00:22,882
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you!
13
00:00:22,949 --> 00:00:24,734
Fucking disgusting dirty pretzels.
14
00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:26,362
Why do men think it's okay
15
00:00:26,387 --> 00:00:28,796
to tell women they've
never even met to smile?
16
00:00:28,860 --> 00:00:30,656
If that Lyft driver
hadn't told me to smile,
17
00:00:30,681 --> 00:00:32,155
I wouldn't have thrown
my diet Coke at him,
18
00:00:32,179 --> 00:00:34,063
and he wouldn't have let us out
in the middle of Central Park.
19
00:00:34,087 --> 00:00:35,156
Can we use Uber again?
20
00:00:35,193 --> 00:00:36,769
Why were we mad at them
in the first place?
21
00:00:36,793 --> 00:00:37,807
Who can remember?
22
00:00:37,832 --> 00:00:38,875
I'm gonna give that driver
23
00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:42,021
what the CW has on its fall lineup...
zero stars!
24
00:00:42,336 --> 00:00:44,109
At least we didn't have
to pay the whole fare.
25
00:00:44,133 --> 00:00:45,578
I'm saving up for Madonna tickets.
26
00:00:45,641 --> 00:00:47,421
And get this... she's not singing.
27
00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:49,097
She's doing stand-up at the Garden.
28
00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:50,445
- No!
- That's right.
29
00:00:50,533 --> 00:00:52,602
I saw her on "Fallon" and I
thought that was just a bit,
30
00:00:52,626 --> 00:00:54,484
like Joaquin Phoenix on "Letterman"
31
00:00:54,556 --> 00:00:56,649
or James Franco with a guy's
dick in his mouth, you know...
32
00:00:56,673 --> 00:00:58,285
- "Just kidding!"
- Well, you know who will
33
00:00:58,309 --> 00:01:00,851
be kidding... Madonna.
She's doing 75 minutes
34
00:01:00,915 --> 00:01:03,106
of observational humor all
about how annoying it is
35
00:01:03,179 --> 00:01:05,499
when you can't remember which
child you put in which house
36
00:01:05,571 --> 00:01:06,873
and airplane food.
37
00:01:06,930 --> 00:01:09,390
Yeah, it's $1,100 for a nosebleed seat.
38
00:01:09,477 --> 00:01:11,450
- Worth every penny.
- Of course!
39
00:01:11,783 --> 00:01:13,796
Oh, my God, Billy! Look where we are!
40
00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:16,406
Gay Hookup History alert! The Ramble!
41
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:18,015
This is hallowed ground.
42
00:01:18,094 --> 00:01:20,414
This was the number one
site for elicit gay action
43
00:01:20,510 --> 00:01:22,713
before John Travolta got
his own massage table.
44
00:01:22,947 --> 00:01:25,000
I'm sorry. This part of the park
45
00:01:25,073 --> 00:01:27,818
is exclusive to Equinox
Everywhere members.
46
00:01:27,890 --> 00:01:30,008
- A yoga class in the Ramble?
- Ugh.
47
00:01:30,086 --> 00:01:31,963
I hate that fuckin' children's book.
48
00:01:32,055 --> 00:01:35,769
Me too! And the Mineshaft's a Sephora?
49
00:01:35,879 --> 00:01:37,789
There's no place left for
a leather queen to go
50
00:01:37,855 --> 00:01:39,652
when she's in the mood
for a little fresh air
51
00:01:39,676 --> 00:01:41,596
- and cock and ball torture.
- Yet another reason
52
00:01:41,654 --> 00:01:43,521
for Larry Kramer to be furious.
53
00:01:43,595 --> 00:01:45,180
You wanna fist me anyway?
54
00:01:45,436 --> 00:01:46,687
Not really.
55
00:01:46,886 --> 00:01:49,156
Sweetie, you should smile.
56
00:01:55,618 --> 00:01:56,621
That's it, Lizzie.
57
00:01:56,646 --> 00:01:57,891
I'm done signing for your packages.
58
00:01:57,915 --> 00:02:00,304
Oh, but I loves me some online shopping.
59
00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:01,710
And you're always home.
60
00:02:01,757 --> 00:02:03,109
Besides, if I just left the boxes in
61
00:02:03,133 --> 00:02:04,573
the hallway, they'd just get stolen.
62
00:02:04,629 --> 00:02:07,273
That is not my problem, bitch.
63
00:02:07,557 --> 00:02:10,773
Oh, my God! I hate that shop twat.
64
00:02:10,838 --> 00:02:12,613
She almost makes me
miss our old neighbors.
65
00:02:13,005 --> 00:02:14,174
You hated that guy and his son.
66
00:02:14,198 --> 00:02:15,846
You were so happy when
they got deported.
67
00:02:15,905 --> 00:02:17,515
That was the best call I ever made.
68
00:02:17,602 --> 00:02:19,773
But Lizzie's worse. She just smiles
69
00:02:19,837 --> 00:02:21,688
and she thinks she's gonna
get anything she wants.
70
00:02:21,712 --> 00:02:23,023
That's not how the world works!
71
00:02:23,109 --> 00:02:24,718
I have a real challenge, myself.
72
00:02:24,796 --> 00:02:26,796
What, did the dogs eat your
favorite bowtie again?
73
00:02:26,836 --> 00:02:29,117
No. We got the summons at work today.
74
00:02:29,208 --> 00:02:31,117
PBS has Olbermann duty.
75
00:02:31,204 --> 00:02:33,707
It's like jury duty, but
with Keith Olbermann.
76
00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,828
Every six months, it's
a new network's turn
77
00:02:35,874 --> 00:02:37,021
to figure out what to do with him.
78
00:02:37,045 --> 00:02:38,938
Why don't they just put him
on "Orange Is the New Black"?
79
00:02:38,962 --> 00:02:41,398
That cast is huge. Nobody
would even notice.
80
00:02:43,311 --> 00:02:46,441
How do you work this...
heat... computer?
81
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,984
A $2.00 tip on a $40 check?
82
00:02:49,246 --> 00:02:50,368
You know, it's people like you
83
00:02:50,392 --> 00:02:52,117
that are why I have to cater waiter.
84
00:02:52,189 --> 00:02:55,109
You try serving little kosher
mini-quiches to Jared Kushner
85
00:02:55,169 --> 00:02:57,506
without wanting to stick
a gun in your mouth.
86
00:02:57,764 --> 00:03:01,234
Aw... poor sad, fat old Billy.
87
00:03:01,574 --> 00:03:03,429
You know, show business
is a dirty bitch,
88
00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:05,148
but when she sucks, she swallows.
89
00:03:05,233 --> 00:03:06,404
Matthew, why aren't you chained to
90
00:03:06,428 --> 00:03:07,828
Stephen Fry's radiator?
91
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:10,829
Thank you for asking what
the roller skates are for.
92
00:03:10,884 --> 00:03:13,289
I have an audition for the
reboot of "To Catch A Predator,"
93
00:03:13,392 --> 00:03:14,804
and I wanted to do something
94
00:03:14,851 --> 00:03:16,211
to set myself apart from the pack.
95
00:03:16,268 --> 00:03:18,188
Gotta get a gimmick.
96
00:03:18,291 --> 00:03:20,002
I'm auditioning for the role of bait.
97
00:03:20,058 --> 00:03:21,930
You mean the guy that's
like, "Oh, come on in."
98
00:03:21,954 --> 00:03:23,873
My parents aren't home.
Have some lemonade."
99
00:03:23,984 --> 00:03:25,220
How did you get the sides?
100
00:03:25,314 --> 00:03:27,572
You know, despite this
bathroom bill bullshit,
101
00:03:27,636 --> 00:03:28,830
I'd just like to point out
102
00:03:28,891 --> 00:03:30,869
that in the 17 seasons of that show,
103
00:03:30,980 --> 00:03:32,983
there's never been a
single trans predator.
104
00:03:33,031 --> 00:03:34,659
Oh...
105
00:03:34,753 --> 00:03:35,924
you'll get there, doll.
106
00:03:37,407 --> 00:03:39,072
Agent.
107
00:03:40,138 --> 00:03:41,486
Complaint.
108
00:03:41,832 --> 00:03:43,650
Return policy.
109
00:03:44,447 --> 00:03:46,760
Unfair return policy.
110
00:03:46,843 --> 00:03:48,386
- Wine stains.
- Marilyn?
111
00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:50,486
Marilyn Kessler?
112
00:03:50,594 --> 00:03:53,099
It's me. Shelley Waxman.
113
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:56,020
Shelley!
114
00:03:56,147 --> 00:03:58,442
Oh, well, you look incredible!
115
00:03:58,599 --> 00:04:00,783
What did you do, get the Sarandon?
116
00:04:00,897 --> 00:04:03,197
Vitamins, doctor, cream?
117
00:04:03,261 --> 00:04:05,055
Vitamin Charlotte!
118
00:04:05,118 --> 00:04:06,541
Meet my granddaughter...
119
00:04:06,603 --> 00:04:08,002
She's my Fountain of Youth.
120
00:04:08,027 --> 00:04:10,095
Aw! Hello.
121
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:12,620
Ooh, you got a little boo-boo!
122
00:04:13,426 --> 00:04:15,392
Ah... you look this good,
123
00:04:15,428 --> 00:04:16,853
and you're a grandmother.
124
00:04:16,937 --> 00:04:18,940
It's because I'm a grandmother.
125
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,103
The only thing this little
munchkin wants to do
126
00:04:21,150 --> 00:04:23,905
is hear my stories and
tell me how great I look.
127
00:04:24,086 --> 00:04:25,291
And I do.
128
00:04:25,450 --> 00:04:27,588
Well, at least I went to college.
129
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,473
When your daughter has children,
130
00:04:29,544 --> 00:04:31,642
you won't believe how happy you'll be.
131
00:04:31,773 --> 00:04:33,681
Oh, please. By the time my daughter
132
00:04:33,772 --> 00:04:35,845
dumps that alcoholic,
she'll be as infertile
133
00:04:35,894 --> 00:04:37,939
as Wolf Blitzer's imagination.
134
00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:40,654
We dated. He had three positions,
135
00:04:40,742 --> 00:04:42,577
two of which were him alone in bed
136
00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:43,934
and me watching.
137
00:04:44,060 --> 00:04:46,023
Nice to see you again, Shelley.
138
00:04:50,615 --> 00:04:52,213
Mr. Passias.
139
00:04:52,628 --> 00:04:55,173
It's Billy Epstein from your
sixth grade acting class.
140
00:04:55,384 --> 00:04:58,264
I thought we lost you on 9/11.
141
00:04:58,782 --> 00:04:59,806
Worse, actually.
142
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,867
I'm, uh... I'm cater-waitering
143
00:05:01,937 --> 00:05:04,509
Anna Wintour's
housekeeper's quinceañera.
144
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:05,822
But h-how are you?
145
00:05:05,894 --> 00:05:08,252
- What are you doing here?
- I'm attending
146
00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,594
Anna Wintour's
housekeeper's quinceañera!
147
00:05:10,657 --> 00:05:12,064
She's a student of mine.
148
00:05:12,125 --> 00:05:14,924
How are things? How's
everything at PS 745?
149
00:05:15,061 --> 00:05:18,095
Beats me. Started my own acting school.
150
00:05:19,070 --> 00:05:20,698
"John Passias. Dean of Students.
151
00:05:20,770 --> 00:05:22,146
The Greeklings."
152
00:05:22,194 --> 00:05:23,635
We use the Socratic method
153
00:05:23,709 --> 00:05:25,670
to teach the theater to teenagers.
154
00:05:25,850 --> 00:05:29,314
Oh, Billy! I'm so glad
you didn't die in 9/11.
155
00:05:29,659 --> 00:05:33,002
You're far too talented to be
passing appetizers around.
156
00:05:33,169 --> 00:05:36,091
Yeah. You're the only person
in this town who thinks that.
157
00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:38,916
I'm not acting. I'm
just cater-waitering,
158
00:05:39,016 --> 00:05:41,283
doing a billion day jobs,
and I'm still broke.
159
00:05:41,359 --> 00:05:42,963
How's this for kismet?
160
00:05:43,056 --> 00:05:44,767
We need a last-minute replacement
161
00:05:44,792 --> 00:05:46,502
for one of our acting teachers.
162
00:05:46,635 --> 00:05:48,533
She got hit by a Boar's Head truck,
163
00:05:48,618 --> 00:05:49,853
and now she's dead!
164
00:05:49,919 --> 00:05:53,103
Oh, Mr. Passias, that's so nice, but...
165
00:05:54,284 --> 00:05:55,757
I love my life.
166
00:05:56,725 --> 00:05:58,644
I'm totally kidding.
Of course I'll do it!
167
00:05:58,699 --> 00:06:00,306
Yes! Thank you! And I have to go.
168
00:06:00,344 --> 00:06:01,846
I gotta get paper towels.
169
00:06:01,902 --> 00:06:03,382
I gotta fish Karl Lagerfeld's ponytail
170
00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:04,992
out of the salsa fountain.
171
00:06:05,705 --> 00:06:07,244
I actually feel like teacher would be
172
00:06:07,269 --> 00:06:08,502
a very hot look on you.
173
00:06:08,564 --> 00:06:10,424
Very "Don't Stand So Close to Me,"
174
00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:12,970
except, unlike Sting, you'd
take less than 12 hours to cum.
175
00:06:13,002 --> 00:06:14,213
Well, let me be clear.
176
00:06:14,237 --> 00:06:15,955
I'm only going to do
this so I can afford
177
00:06:16,003 --> 00:06:17,775
to watch Madonna go try to get a slot
178
00:06:17,822 --> 00:06:19,617
in the comedy tent at Bonnaroo.
179
00:06:20,034 --> 00:06:22,424
- She's the next Ali Wong.
- I know.
180
00:06:23,115 --> 00:06:25,666
Buenos días. I need you to
sign for Lizzie McCormick.
181
00:06:25,730 --> 00:06:27,635
Absolutely not. I told that bitch
182
00:06:27,690 --> 00:06:30,010
I was done signing for
her fucking packages!
183
00:06:30,082 --> 00:06:31,583
Just leave it in the hallway.
184
00:06:31,647 --> 00:06:33,275
Well, I hope it doesn't get stolen.
185
00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:34,775
Hey...
186
00:06:34,831 --> 00:06:36,209
smile.
187
00:06:36,867 --> 00:06:38,704
Fuck you.
188
00:06:41,438 --> 00:06:43,412
It's gettin' stolen.
189
00:06:44,431 --> 00:06:45,641
God.
190
00:06:45,805 --> 00:06:47,447
That'll teach that bitch
191
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,386
to keep giving my name
to delivery people.
192
00:06:49,433 --> 00:06:51,283
She asks you to sign for her packages?
193
00:06:51,339 --> 00:06:53,343
- What is this, Mayberry?
- I know!
194
00:06:59,493 --> 00:07:01,706
It's a toilet seat!
195
00:07:01,808 --> 00:07:03,478
It's a golden toilet seat!
196
00:07:03,550 --> 00:07:05,439
Julie, it's one of
those Japanese toilets
197
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:08,127
- that cleans your cooter!
- And your pooter! Billy,
198
00:07:08,189 --> 00:07:10,167
I got a golden toilet seat!
199
00:07:10,191 --> 00:07:12,088
I got a golden toilet seat!
200
00:07:12,122 --> 00:07:13,931
Oh, Julie, run to the bathroom.
201
00:07:13,993 --> 00:07:16,924
Run to the bathroom, and don't
stop until you get there!
202
00:07:18,928 --> 00:07:21,228
- Billy?
- Yeah?
203
00:07:21,362 --> 00:07:23,541
It's too small for my butt!
204
00:07:23,624 --> 00:07:25,377
I don't fit!
205
00:07:25,463 --> 00:07:26,589
Mm.
206
00:07:28,942 --> 00:07:30,033
Can I help you?
207
00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:32,019
Yes. I'm sad eating.
208
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,736
Grandchildren are nature's facelift,
209
00:07:33,789 --> 00:07:35,580
and my daughter's too
selfish to have any.
210
00:07:35,626 --> 00:07:37,205
So I'm just gonna indulge and be bad.
211
00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:38,588
I want a small tart, plain.
212
00:07:38,613 --> 00:07:40,367
Oh. We're no longer a Pinkberry.
213
00:07:40,392 --> 00:07:41,705
We were bought out by FroVo.
214
00:07:41,755 --> 00:07:43,799
- Oh, sounds just as tasty.
- It's not.
215
00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:46,556
We're a new national chain
of egg freezing facilities.
216
00:07:46,655 --> 00:07:49,041
- Tracy, hi!
- Stall 3 for your egg retrieval.
217
00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:50,730
Did you bring your punch card?
218
00:07:51,301 --> 00:07:52,834
Only four more viable egg retrievals,
219
00:07:52,899 --> 00:07:54,389
and you get a freebie!
220
00:07:57,327 --> 00:08:00,014
She looks exactly like
my daughter's age.
221
00:08:03,545 --> 00:08:05,506
My teacher preparation isn't going well.
222
00:08:05,573 --> 00:08:07,990
I downloaded "The Fat Jewish's
Master Class" on acting,
223
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:10,357
and my iPad crashed. The
guy at the Genius Bar
224
00:08:10,397 --> 00:08:12,198
said it became sentient
and took its own life.
225
00:08:12,222 --> 00:08:14,058
- Oh, that makes sense.
- What about you?
226
00:08:14,097 --> 00:08:16,295
Were you able to exchange
that golden toilet seat
227
00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:18,074
- for something that fits?
- Mm. I tried,
228
00:08:18,099 --> 00:08:19,838
but it turns out that's
not how stealing works.
229
00:08:19,862 --> 00:08:21,740
- Ah.
- It's so frustrating!
230
00:08:21,820 --> 00:08:23,488
There's only three pant sizes
231
00:08:23,535 --> 00:08:26,040
between me and the best pee of my life.
232
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,865
There's gotta be a shortcut.
233
00:08:29,556 --> 00:08:31,717
Nope. I knew it!
234
00:08:32,482 --> 00:08:35,147
I knew you declined my calls.
235
00:08:35,379 --> 00:08:37,850
Hello, Billy. You look wonderful.
236
00:08:37,961 --> 00:08:40,089
Julie, where can we
go to talk in private
237
00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:42,189
about me giving you money
to freeze your eggs?
238
00:08:42,245 --> 00:08:44,256
- Jesus, Mom!
- Egg freezing?
239
00:08:44,325 --> 00:08:46,889
More like egg swapping
for population control.
240
00:08:46,937 --> 00:08:48,397
Oh, I'm fascinated!
241
00:08:48,453 --> 00:08:50,122
The Illuminati use IVF
242
00:08:50,193 --> 00:08:51,530
to swap out women's eggs
243
00:08:51,611 --> 00:08:53,506
for eggs with diminished brain function
244
00:08:53,568 --> 00:08:54,898
to create a bunch of gullible dopes
245
00:08:54,922 --> 00:08:57,358
who won't question why we
haven't seen Tiffany Trump
246
00:08:57,436 --> 00:08:59,691
and the Freedom Tower in the same place.
247
00:08:59,864 --> 00:09:01,825
Not so fascinating since you expounded.
248
00:09:02,092 --> 00:09:03,343
Come on, Mom, let's go.
249
00:09:03,515 --> 00:09:05,561
Look, I just wanted to help.
250
00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:08,303
You're a pretty girl when you smile.
251
00:09:08,376 --> 00:09:10,475
So that's why you decided
to make me feel old
252
00:09:10,532 --> 00:09:12,327
and out of options in a public place?
253
00:09:12,383 --> 00:09:13,912
That is not what I wanted.
254
00:09:13,965 --> 00:09:16,483
Why does everything come
out wrong between us?
255
00:09:16,536 --> 00:09:19,248
I just thought it would be nice
to give you some more options!
256
00:09:19,420 --> 00:09:20,928
And you have no ulterior motive?
257
00:09:20,987 --> 00:09:23,198
Take the money and just do it!
258
00:09:23,512 --> 00:09:24,973
You didn't answer my question.
259
00:09:25,044 --> 00:09:27,110
Do you want this cash or not?
260
00:09:35,629 --> 00:09:37,214
Yes.
261
00:09:37,262 --> 00:09:38,555
Yes, I do!
262
00:09:38,655 --> 00:09:40,625
Oh! Ha ha ha!
263
00:09:41,403 --> 00:09:44,055
Welcome to Original Ray's Med Spa.
264
00:09:44,110 --> 00:09:46,289
BYO stem cell face lifts,
265
00:09:46,414 --> 00:09:47,878
fillers, fat freeze.
266
00:09:47,938 --> 00:09:49,227
Which is the shortcut thing?
267
00:09:49,282 --> 00:09:52,036
I have this much, and I
need to fit onto this.
268
00:09:52,703 --> 00:09:54,789
Okay, so that would be the Fat Freeze.
269
00:09:54,946 --> 00:09:57,844
What we do is affix
special freeze vacuums
270
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:01,063
onto the skin to super-cool
it until the fat dies.
271
00:10:01,391 --> 00:10:02,828
None of that sounds safe.
272
00:10:02,875 --> 00:10:04,735
- I am in!
- And now with Fat Freeze,
273
00:10:04,816 --> 00:10:07,649
you get Cinderestylox
treatment for free.
274
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:10,507
Smoothes out the lines. FDA examined.
275
00:10:10,766 --> 00:10:13,888
I am going to pretend you
just said FDA approved.
276
00:10:14,070 --> 00:10:15,789
Let's do this, shall we?
277
00:10:15,829 --> 00:10:17,344
Let's do this.
278
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,578
Okay, are you ready?
279
00:10:20,759 --> 00:10:24,618
Wow! You sure look very
happy with the results.
280
00:10:24,713 --> 00:10:27,438
No. This fucking Cinderestylox
281
00:10:27,475 --> 00:10:30,407
froze my face into this fucking smile!
282
00:10:32,451 --> 00:10:34,555
Hey, same partner, why are you so happy?
283
00:10:34,658 --> 00:10:35,961
Did you watch that YouTube video
284
00:10:35,986 --> 00:10:37,586
of LaToya Jackson getting tasered again?
285
00:10:37,641 --> 00:10:40,188
No. I got facial filler at a med spa
286
00:10:40,213 --> 00:10:41,882
that froze my face into a smile.
287
00:10:41,941 --> 00:10:44,236
Plus, while I was there,
I had my fat frozen,
288
00:10:44,284 --> 00:10:46,938
so... I can't really walk or sit down.
289
00:10:47,141 --> 00:10:48,434
It's excruciating.
290
00:10:48,498 --> 00:10:49,594
Wow.
291
00:10:50,788 --> 00:10:52,584
Mm.
292
00:10:54,394 --> 00:10:55,844
How was your day, Arthur?
293
00:10:55,899 --> 00:10:57,703
Thank you for asking, dry run.
294
00:10:57,788 --> 00:11:00,416
Well, we did some focus testing,
and apparently kids under seven
295
00:11:00,472 --> 00:11:02,433
are Keith Olbermann's
only potential demo.
296
00:11:02,481 --> 00:11:04,527
They don't know who he is,
so they can't hate him yet.
297
00:11:04,551 --> 00:11:06,125
Can I pitch you some ideas for him?
298
00:11:06,192 --> 00:11:08,404
No. Please. Stop.
299
00:11:08,578 --> 00:11:09,594
Don't.
300
00:11:09,644 --> 00:11:11,983
Uh, "Captain Keitharoo."
301
00:11:13,188 --> 00:11:14,942
"Mr. Olbermann's Neighborhood."
302
00:11:16,158 --> 00:11:17,827
What do you think?
Those are cute, right?
303
00:11:20,124 --> 00:11:21,604
Thanks, bell-bottom. You're the best.
304
00:11:23,464 --> 00:11:24,507
Hi-eee.
305
00:11:24,594 --> 00:11:25,758
Hi-eeeee...
306
00:11:25,807 --> 00:11:27,643
I know you said no more deliveries,
307
00:11:27,699 --> 00:11:29,869
but one was already on its way.
308
00:11:29,933 --> 00:11:32,145
It's a Japanese toilet seat.
309
00:11:32,232 --> 00:11:33,469
You didn't see it, did you?
310
00:11:33,514 --> 00:11:34,844
No, I sure haven't.
311
00:11:34,904 --> 00:11:37,157
Okay, thanks.
312
00:11:37,244 --> 00:11:39,875
You seem fun. We should
spin together sometime.
313
00:11:39,938 --> 00:11:41,711
- We'd have a blast.
- We sure would!
314
00:11:45,340 --> 00:11:48,414
This smile is magic!
315
00:11:58,229 --> 00:11:59,914
Oh. Hello.
316
00:11:59,955 --> 00:12:02,877
I'm Mr. Epstein. I'm
replacing your dead teacher.
317
00:12:04,164 --> 00:12:06,219
I read online that while teaching,
318
00:12:06,278 --> 00:12:08,447
introductions can kill a lot of time.
319
00:12:08,565 --> 00:12:10,797
So... let's do that.
320
00:12:11,176 --> 00:12:13,346
Uh, we'll start with you, H&M jeans.
321
00:12:14,024 --> 00:12:16,891
I'm Noel. I write "Dear
Evan Hansen" fan fiction.
322
00:12:16,994 --> 00:12:18,524
All right, I'm gonna cut
you off right there.
323
00:12:18,548 --> 00:12:20,508
All right. Yeah. Next.
324
00:12:21,103 --> 00:12:23,500
I'm Beth, and I love to.
325
00:12:23,546 --> 00:12:25,071
- How old are you?
- I'm 12.
326
00:12:25,121 --> 00:12:27,078
Well, Cynthia Nixon started at 7.
327
00:12:27,156 --> 00:12:29,242
Welcome to the jungle. Sit down.
328
00:12:30,039 --> 00:12:31,415
All right, I already know more about you
329
00:12:31,439 --> 00:12:33,359
than I wanna know, so
here's what we're gonna do.
330
00:12:33,383 --> 00:12:34,969
Everyone write this down.
331
00:12:35,735 --> 00:12:37,008
Acting.
332
00:12:37,069 --> 00:12:40,961
The Fat Jewish... says that acting
333
00:12:41,236 --> 00:12:43,239
is reacting.
334
00:12:43,731 --> 00:12:46,529
And then his website crashed.
335
00:12:50,289 --> 00:12:51,696
How much time do we have left?
336
00:12:51,818 --> 00:12:54,239
2 hours and 45 minutes.
337
00:12:54,602 --> 00:12:55,891
I see.
338
00:12:55,964 --> 00:12:57,766
Uh... okay!
339
00:12:57,838 --> 00:13:00,091
Here's what we're gonna do.
Everyone take out their phones.
340
00:13:00,115 --> 00:13:01,688
We're gonna spend the rest of the class
341
00:13:01,744 --> 00:13:05,180
quietly Googling Anna Kendrick.
342
00:13:05,342 --> 00:13:08,973
Be prepared next time to read
her least self-aware tweet.
343
00:13:09,735 --> 00:13:11,086
Okay?
344
00:13:11,157 --> 00:13:12,914
And then you can see yourselves out.
345
00:13:12,965 --> 00:13:14,300
Good day.
346
00:13:14,348 --> 00:13:15,625
But when are we gonna rehearse
347
00:13:15,674 --> 00:13:17,719
for the industry showcase?
348
00:13:18,510 --> 00:13:19,539
I'm sorry.
349
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:21,250
What do you mean by "industry"?
350
00:13:21,281 --> 00:13:23,409
And, to a lesser extent,
351
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:26,776
what do you mean, "showcase"?
352
00:13:27,746 --> 00:13:29,735
Okay. This is what The Royal Academy
353
00:13:29,766 --> 00:13:31,185
of Dramatic Arts refers to
354
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:33,321
as shitting the bed. Guys,
355
00:13:33,383 --> 00:13:36,430
do you understand what a
big opportunity this is?
356
00:13:36,534 --> 00:13:40,291
This showcase... you're gonna
get to act in front of agents.
357
00:13:40,354 --> 00:13:42,692
I can't even get a prostitute
to watch me jerk off
358
00:13:42,747 --> 00:13:44,732
even though it says that's
specifically what I wanted
359
00:13:44,756 --> 00:13:46,884
in my profile. That's right, I asked for
360
00:13:46,940 --> 00:13:48,974
the Wolf Blitzer, and I'm not ashamed.
361
00:13:49,077 --> 00:13:52,201
All right, sit down.
Next, Mousy and Needy.
362
00:13:52,254 --> 00:13:53,923
Get up here and slate.
363
00:13:56,122 --> 00:13:57,634
Hi. My name is Beth Calliber,
364
00:13:57,659 --> 00:13:59,295
currently self-represented,
365
00:13:59,353 --> 00:14:01,482
and this is a scene from
the Aaron Sorkin movie,
366
00:14:01,532 --> 00:14:03,279
"Shut Up, Lady, I Have An Idea."
367
00:14:03,397 --> 00:14:05,317
Already bored. Go.
368
00:14:05,536 --> 00:14:08,115
Here's what you don't
understand about rape culture.
369
00:14:08,211 --> 00:14:10,584
Maybe you don't think
it's important, Jane,
370
00:14:10,858 --> 00:14:12,420
but it is.
371
00:14:12,517 --> 00:14:14,270
Um... Mr. Epstein?
372
00:14:14,747 --> 00:14:16,388
My character description says.
373
00:14:16,430 --> 00:14:18,935
"Jane, under 40, British accent."
374
00:14:19,085 --> 00:14:20,724
But I don't have any lines.
375
00:14:20,778 --> 00:14:22,656
I don't know how to nod with an accent.
376
00:14:22,744 --> 00:14:24,454
Okay. Well, here's the good news.
377
00:14:24,579 --> 00:14:26,506
Every actor's resume has a section
378
00:14:26,561 --> 00:14:29,524
called Special Skills, and
on yours you can put,
379
00:14:29,650 --> 00:14:32,906
"Knows how to ruin a scene
without saying a single word."
380
00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:34,935
Continue.
381
00:14:35,612 --> 00:14:37,621
Fucking kids don't deserve
that opportunity.
382
00:14:37,646 --> 00:14:39,615
- Fuck them.
- Yeah, fuck them raw.
383
00:14:39,691 --> 00:14:42,088
By the way, I'm sorry I'm
smiling like Burke Ramsey
384
00:14:42,128 --> 00:14:43,920
talking to Dr. Phil
about his dead sister.
385
00:14:43,945 --> 00:14:45,560
It's only because I can't not.
386
00:14:45,638 --> 00:14:46,809
I can't believe I have to sit
387
00:14:46,834 --> 00:14:47,910
in the same room as those agents,
388
00:14:47,934 --> 00:14:49,389
and the kids are the
ones who get to shine.
389
00:14:49,413 --> 00:14:51,631
Well, why don't you
just pull a Tom Cruise?
390
00:14:51,722 --> 00:14:54,101
Have my Scientology slaves
fix my motorcycles?
391
00:14:54,172 --> 00:14:55,631
Wrestle men in their underpants?
392
00:14:55,710 --> 00:14:57,685
Attack poor Brooke Shields
for taking Wellbutrin?
393
00:14:57,763 --> 00:14:59,427
Eat a-ssss?
394
00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:01,357
Cast yourself next to weaker stars
395
00:15:01,404 --> 00:15:03,366
so the audience watches only you.
396
00:15:03,562 --> 00:15:05,106
Crash their scenes!
397
00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:06,427
That's brilliant!
398
00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:08,576
I will insert myself into
all those kids' scenes!
399
00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,619
Those kids suck. I'll be great.
400
00:15:11,183 --> 00:15:12,311
I'm sorry, why are you standing
401
00:15:12,335 --> 00:15:13,959
like Milania on the auction block?
402
00:15:13,984 --> 00:15:16,373
Oh! It's because it hurts to sit down.
403
00:15:16,441 --> 00:15:17,888
But you'd never know to look at me.
404
00:15:17,961 --> 00:15:19,513
The smile is fucking magic.
405
00:15:19,599 --> 00:15:21,685
I went to pick up my
recap paycheck earlier,
406
00:15:21,773 --> 00:15:23,677
and my editor was so charmed by me,
407
00:15:23,731 --> 00:15:25,650
he asked me to moderate
a panel of the women
408
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:27,887
who were on the cover of their
"Women to Watch" issue.
409
00:15:28,059 --> 00:15:30,354
Women to watch? Like in
an Erin Andrews way?
410
00:15:30,401 --> 00:15:32,112
I don't give a shit. If I do a good job
411
00:15:32,168 --> 00:15:33,671
hosting this panel, next
year they might even
412
00:15:33,695 --> 00:15:34,863
put me on the list.
413
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:36,662
Smiling. Who knew?
414
00:15:36,710 --> 00:15:38,058
Oh, I forgot to tell you the best part.
415
00:15:38,082 --> 00:15:39,756
I went to Dunkin' Donuts earlier,
416
00:15:39,812 --> 00:15:42,693
and the guy gave me six
free yesterday's holes.
417
00:15:42,778 --> 00:15:44,403
You sure he wasn't just
throwing them away.
418
00:15:44,427 --> 00:15:45,537
Have a dozen of one,
419
00:15:45,562 --> 00:15:47,623
six free yesterday's holes of the other!
420
00:15:47,956 --> 00:15:49,263
Check it out. Free donuts.
421
00:15:49,315 --> 00:15:51,485
I must document this blessed event.
422
00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:54,896
Are we talking about things
we shot on our phones?
423
00:15:54,989 --> 00:15:57,785
Nate, if you please.
Thank you for asking.
424
00:15:57,887 --> 00:16:01,615
I did just finish editing my "To
Catch A Predator" audition.
425
00:16:01,739 --> 00:16:02,867
Watch.
426
00:16:03,365 --> 00:16:04,904
Knock, knock. I'm here.
427
00:16:05,145 --> 00:16:07,623
Hi, mister! Gee, you're even hotter
428
00:16:07,679 --> 00:16:09,193
than you were in the pics you sent.
429
00:16:09,258 --> 00:16:11,888
I made some cookies with my
13-year-old little hands.
430
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:13,974
Do you wanna fuck me now?
Jesus, Matthew!
431
00:16:14,020 --> 00:16:15,327
- I'm uncomfortable.
- Do I say the thing
432
00:16:15,351 --> 00:16:16,916
about how we caught you yet?
'Cause I got a date to get to.
433
00:16:16,940 --> 00:16:19,070
Lola, no improv. Ugh!
434
00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:22,686
'Ello, mister!
435
00:16:22,710 --> 00:16:25,255
Boy, you're even 'otter
than in the pics you sent.
436
00:16:25,676 --> 00:16:27,278
It's good...
437
00:16:27,302 --> 00:16:29,055
And important.
438
00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:30,967
Do you wanna fuck me now?
439
00:16:33,525 --> 00:16:35,732
Mom? What are you doing here?
440
00:16:35,931 --> 00:16:38,099
Oh, I know. You probably came by
441
00:16:38,149 --> 00:16:40,217
to make sure I used your
money to freeze my eggs.
442
00:16:40,294 --> 00:16:43,466
Normally, what you said would
make me very defensive,
443
00:16:43,491 --> 00:16:45,912
but there's something
about your friendliness
444
00:16:45,937 --> 00:16:48,859
and exquisite posture that
puts my mind at ease.
445
00:16:48,897 --> 00:16:51,609
That said, I wouldn't
hate seeing a receipt.
446
00:16:51,658 --> 00:16:54,747
Actually, I have something
better than a receipt.
447
00:16:54,966 --> 00:16:57,232
Photographic evidence.
448
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:58,902
Check this out.
449
00:17:01,034 --> 00:17:02,620
Oh, Julie.
450
00:17:02,988 --> 00:17:05,032
- There are so many!
- I know!
451
00:17:05,103 --> 00:17:07,576
I bet you can't wait to curl up
with these little munchkins.
452
00:17:07,615 --> 00:17:09,646
I'm sorry I was so suspicious.
453
00:17:09,823 --> 00:17:12,912
You know, I was just on my way
to Shelley's to give her this.
454
00:17:12,937 --> 00:17:14,815
Her daughter-in-law's
expecting again, but...
455
00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:16,708
I want you to have it.
456
00:17:16,810 --> 00:17:19,021
And every time you look at that rattle,
457
00:17:19,046 --> 00:17:21,826
I want you to say, "I
remember that once"
458
00:17:21,932 --> 00:17:24,812
I made my mother very happy."
459
00:17:24,899 --> 00:17:27,584
Thanks, Mom. I'll treasure it forever.
460
00:17:27,645 --> 00:17:29,224
I don't know what is responsible
461
00:17:29,287 --> 00:17:31,582
for your beautiful new
smile, but baby girl,
462
00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,118
I hope it never wears off.
463
00:17:33,454 --> 00:17:34,584
Wears off?
464
00:17:34,663 --> 00:17:36,415
How much Cinderestylox will this get me?
465
00:17:36,494 --> 00:17:38,247
It's real silver.
466
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,352
Please welcome the moderator
467
00:17:40,408 --> 00:17:43,513
of this year's panel, Julie Kessler.
468
00:17:52,909 --> 00:17:55,443
We have quite the industry
audience here today.
469
00:17:55,468 --> 00:17:56,685
I see that.
470
00:17:56,801 --> 00:17:58,287
And they're in for a real treat.
471
00:17:58,341 --> 00:18:00,393
I took the liberty of
rewriting some of the scenes
472
00:18:00,418 --> 00:18:01,902
to showcase the strengths of the class.
473
00:18:01,926 --> 00:18:03,637
I knew you were a natural teacher.
474
00:18:03,733 --> 00:18:05,276
Yeah. I'm like Mary Kay Letourneau
475
00:18:05,301 --> 00:18:07,096
if she ever figured out her haircut.
476
00:18:07,291 --> 00:18:09,146
Happy 45h anniversary.
477
00:18:09,201 --> 00:18:11,705
So far from the job, from the kids...
478
00:18:12,168 --> 00:18:14,256
I've never felt closer to you.
479
00:18:15,145 --> 00:18:16,310
Mom...
480
00:18:17,296 --> 00:18:18,464
Dad.
481
00:18:20,739 --> 00:18:22,381
I'm gay.
482
00:18:22,865 --> 00:18:24,787
- How...
- Please don't react!
483
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,263
This has been bottling
up in me a long time,
484
00:18:27,288 --> 00:18:29,037
and I have a lot to say and sing
485
00:18:29,085 --> 00:18:30,388
about how I feel.
486
00:18:30,441 --> 00:18:32,318
Did the party start without me?
487
00:18:34,006 --> 00:18:36,060
How's everyone doing?
488
00:18:37,606 --> 00:18:39,248
Didn't get the invite, huh?
489
00:18:39,350 --> 00:18:41,279
Why? Because you think I need this?
490
00:18:41,340 --> 00:18:43,886
I don't need this. I want this!
491
00:18:44,208 --> 00:18:46,045
I want this!
492
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,547
And you mock me!
493
00:18:48,767 --> 00:18:50,479
♪ His name was Peter ♪
494
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:53,968
♪ There was... a garden ♪
495
00:18:55,517 --> 00:18:57,187
♪ It was the summer ♪
496
00:18:58,422 --> 00:19:01,162
♪ I was aliiiive ♪
497
00:19:01,309 --> 00:19:03,920
I have the letters! I have the bills!
498
00:19:04,027 --> 00:19:06,177
I have your paychecks! I have the will!
499
00:19:06,297 --> 00:19:08,383
I have the death certificate, Karen!
500
00:19:08,446 --> 00:19:10,865
♪ There were no women ♪
501
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:14,363
♪ It was amazing ♪
502
00:19:14,637 --> 00:19:17,217
♪ Why couldn't there be no women ♪
503
00:19:17,319 --> 00:19:20,842
♪ All the time? ♪
504
00:19:24,466 --> 00:19:26,303
Bravo! My boy.
505
00:19:33,366 --> 00:19:34,460
Thank you, everyone, for coming.
506
00:19:34,484 --> 00:19:36,140
Please, let's have another
round of applause
507
00:19:36,164 --> 00:19:37,857
for my protégée Billy Epstein.
508
00:19:37,882 --> 00:19:39,318
I taught him everything he knows!
509
00:19:43,873 --> 00:19:45,834
Every agent here wants to meet you.
510
00:19:46,077 --> 00:19:47,370
You're welcome.
511
00:19:47,402 --> 00:19:48,904
Bravo!
512
00:19:49,014 --> 00:19:50,717
Okay, another piece of cake.
513
00:19:50,766 --> 00:19:52,810
Don't tell your dad.
514
00:19:53,304 --> 00:19:54,599
Marilyn!
515
00:19:54,632 --> 00:19:56,343
Did you get enough birthday cake
516
00:19:56,375 --> 00:19:57,474
to push around your plate
517
00:19:57,499 --> 00:19:58,546
to pretend like you're eating it?
518
00:19:58,570 --> 00:20:00,614
I certainly did, Shelley.
519
00:20:00,679 --> 00:20:02,432
You seem like you're in a good mood.
520
00:20:02,496 --> 00:20:05,037
My daughter and I are
finally getting along
521
00:20:05,062 --> 00:20:06,638
since she froze her eggs.
522
00:20:06,687 --> 00:20:09,526
I'm gonna get that
grandchild glow someday.
523
00:20:09,636 --> 00:20:11,631
Oh, no!
524
00:20:11,691 --> 00:20:13,819
Did you hurt yourself again?
525
00:20:14,638 --> 00:20:15,756
You know kids.
526
00:20:15,802 --> 00:20:18,364
They're always falling down
and skinning their necks.
527
00:20:18,443 --> 00:20:20,693
Mom, it's over. Officers!
528
00:20:20,755 --> 00:20:22,884
- What's over?
- You've been using
529
00:20:22,909 --> 00:20:25,037
your granddaughter to
harvest stem cells.
530
00:20:25,265 --> 00:20:26,467
How did you find out?
531
00:20:26,523 --> 00:20:28,526
I mean... What are you talking about?
532
00:20:28,746 --> 00:20:30,791
This sick bitch has been
bringing my daughter
533
00:20:30,838 --> 00:20:33,299
to a sketchy med spa where
they extract stem cells
534
00:20:33,324 --> 00:20:36,099
from the back of her neck and
inject it into my mom's face.
535
00:20:36,201 --> 00:20:38,365
It's called a BYO stem cell face lift.
536
00:20:38,459 --> 00:20:40,177
And there's no down time?
537
00:20:40,258 --> 00:20:43,013
Not jail! Not now!
538
00:20:43,194 --> 00:20:48,161
Your pig wife in incubating a
whole new geyser of collagen!
539
00:20:48,350 --> 00:20:50,603
No! No!
540
00:20:50,673 --> 00:20:52,021
No!
541
00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:53,592
My next question
542
00:20:53,655 --> 00:20:55,407
is for Violet Schekter.
543
00:20:55,744 --> 00:20:58,482
Violet, what made you
decide to write and direct
544
00:20:58,507 --> 00:21:01,471
a feature-length film
about your childhood?
545
00:21:01,534 --> 00:21:03,498
I felt like it was a survivor's story
546
00:21:03,542 --> 00:21:05,335
that needed to be told.
547
00:21:05,579 --> 00:21:08,013
Like most writers, I grew
up in a lot of pain.
548
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,873
I hear that.
549
00:21:10,164 --> 00:21:11,912
Excuse me. Are you making fun of me?
550
00:21:11,970 --> 00:21:14,326
- 'Cause you seem sarcastic.
- Oh!
551
00:21:14,380 --> 00:21:16,759
Nothing could be further from the truth.
552
00:21:16,839 --> 00:21:19,224
Well, you smiled all
through Stacy's story,
553
00:21:19,291 --> 00:21:21,131
and how her symphony was inspired
554
00:21:21,205 --> 00:21:22,873
by her father's stroke.
555
00:21:22,950 --> 00:21:26,455
That's not fair. Her dad's
story really moved me.
556
00:21:26,534 --> 00:21:29,459
When she talked about how her
dad lost his motor skills,
557
00:21:29,643 --> 00:21:31,647
I almost cried!
558
00:21:32,459 --> 00:21:33,539
Ugh!
559
00:21:33,784 --> 00:21:35,107
Fuck you!
560
00:21:35,173 --> 00:21:36,675
- What?
- You are clearly
561
00:21:36,700 --> 00:21:39,302
- making fun of her dad!
- I just spilled!
562
00:21:39,364 --> 00:21:41,576
What is wrong with you, Julie?
This isn't a joke.
563
00:21:41,642 --> 00:21:43,185
I'm not joking!
564
00:21:43,233 --> 00:21:45,873
I'm not a joker. I'm not the Joker!
565
00:21:46,186 --> 00:21:48,648
Why so serious?
566
00:21:48,821 --> 00:21:51,284
Arthur, is the second
brownie batch almost ready?
567
00:21:51,334 --> 00:21:52,802
You'll know when you hear the timer.
568
00:21:52,863 --> 00:21:55,242
I have feelings that I
need to conceal with food
569
00:21:55,298 --> 00:21:57,240
because my face isn't doing its job.
570
00:21:57,422 --> 00:22:00,193
How long is this stupid
smile supposed to last?
571
00:22:00,263 --> 00:22:01,974
I thought the point of Cinderestylox
572
00:22:02,015 --> 00:22:03,709
- was it was temporary.
- Yeah. So did I.
573
00:22:03,757 --> 00:22:05,801
Well, according to the
website, in some cases,
574
00:22:05,826 --> 00:22:07,834
Cinderestylox can cause...
575
00:22:08,962 --> 00:22:10,326
What?
576
00:22:10,655 --> 00:22:12,224
Nothing. Not every website is right.
577
00:22:12,249 --> 00:22:13,941
I'm sure you'll be fine.
I just feel like
578
00:22:13,966 --> 00:22:15,427
such an idiot for having done this.
579
00:22:15,544 --> 00:22:16,990
Oh, no, no, no.
580
00:22:17,047 --> 00:22:19,217
But, uh, just don't let me pitch you
581
00:22:19,281 --> 00:22:21,326
any more work ideas until
you have full control
582
00:22:21,381 --> 00:22:23,593
- of your facial expressions.
- Why not? What happened?
583
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,490
Oh... your smile gave
me false confidence.
584
00:22:26,573 --> 00:22:28,618
Keith Olbermann hated all my ideas.
585
00:22:28,689 --> 00:22:30,775
It took him 6 1/2 hours to tell me why.
586
00:22:30,878 --> 00:22:32,396
The good news is
587
00:22:32,425 --> 00:22:34,763
he ran out the clock, and
he's A&E's problem now.
588
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:38,076
- Yes. Hi.
- Hi.
589
00:22:38,334 --> 00:22:39,349
Um...
590
00:22:39,398 --> 00:22:41,654
Hey, Julie, I'm sorry to interrupt,
591
00:22:41,710 --> 00:22:43,922
but your gay butler let me in.
592
00:22:44,182 --> 00:22:46,857
So... kind of a weird thing happened.
593
00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:48,584
- Oh, no!
- The delivery guy
594
00:22:48,630 --> 00:22:51,092
said you refused to sign but
that you kept the toilet anyway.
595
00:22:51,123 --> 00:22:54,896
What a crazy stupid idiot!
596
00:22:55,983 --> 00:22:59,467
Another bald-faced lie
from the delivery guy.
597
00:23:01,417 --> 00:23:02,583
Brownies are ready.
598
00:23:02,608 --> 00:23:04,021
Is something wrong with your face?
599
00:23:04,047 --> 00:23:05,302
No! Of course not.
600
00:23:05,327 --> 00:23:06,620
Nothing's wrong with my face.
601
00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:08,646
Did you take my toilet?
602
00:23:13,869 --> 00:23:15,279
No!
603
00:23:15,357 --> 00:23:16,795
You're lying!
604
00:23:16,849 --> 00:23:18,584
- I'm taking what's mine!
- No!
605
00:23:18,642 --> 00:23:20,092
Lizzie, please!
606
00:23:20,402 --> 00:23:21,529
The Fat Freeze worked!
607
00:23:21,554 --> 00:23:23,390
I can finally fit on the seat!
608
00:23:23,773 --> 00:23:26,974
- Don't take it now!
- I've got the golden toilet!
609
00:23:29,793 --> 00:23:31,537
I just have to teach one more class,
610
00:23:31,581 --> 00:23:33,301
and then I have enough
for Madonna tickets.
611
00:23:33,352 --> 00:23:35,974
Apparently, the first three
rows get Gallagher-style tarps,
612
00:23:36,018 --> 00:23:37,849
so she must be smashing something.
613
00:23:37,907 --> 00:23:39,787
What a perfect way to celebrate killing
614
00:23:39,825 --> 00:23:42,204
at a student showcase, plus you
have five agency meetings!
615
00:23:42,291 --> 00:23:44,193
I kinda feel guilty for
all those young actors,
616
00:23:44,228 --> 00:23:45,459
but now they know what it's like
617
00:23:45,483 --> 00:23:47,576
to take advantage of a
show business opportunity.
618
00:23:47,653 --> 00:23:48,920
"Teach the children well,"
619
00:23:48,958 --> 00:23:49,951
sang David Crosby.
620
00:23:49,982 --> 00:23:51,717
And then he ejaculated
into a turkey baster,
621
00:23:51,741 --> 00:23:53,521
and suddenly Melissa
Etheridge was a mother.
622
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,062
- Aw.
- This is how I find out
623
00:23:55,102 --> 00:23:56,730
I didn't get "To Catch A Predator"?
624
00:23:56,855 --> 00:23:58,327
They put a clip from tonight's premiere
625
00:23:58,351 --> 00:24:01,481
on "Dlisted", and look at the
cow they cast as the bait.
626
00:24:02,214 --> 00:24:05,010
I mean, clearly, they went
in a different direction.
627
00:24:05,331 --> 00:24:07,878
Come on in. I've got some hot cookies
628
00:24:07,957 --> 00:24:10,168
and lemonade. Say, my
parents aren't home.
629
00:24:10,193 --> 00:24:11,778
Is that okay with you?
630
00:24:11,810 --> 00:24:13,529
Oh. Oh, that's just fine.
631
00:24:13,657 --> 00:24:16,828
- Holy shit. It's Mr. Passias!
- What?
632
00:24:16,977 --> 00:24:19,481
Do mind if I, uh, take off my pants?
633
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,855
You know... in the days of Socrates,
634
00:24:22,933 --> 00:24:25,105
everyone would just...
635
00:24:27,579 --> 00:24:29,154
Oh! Chris Hansen.
636
00:24:29,237 --> 00:24:30,795
They don't even hook up!
637
00:24:30,959 --> 00:24:33,224
What a stupid show. You know what?
638
00:24:33,322 --> 00:24:35,959
I'm gonna go roller skate
myself into a better mood.
639
00:24:36,102 --> 00:24:37,938
- Julie...
- I know, I know, this is bad.
640
00:24:37,963 --> 00:24:40,216
Okay, clearly, the Greekling
School is no more...
641
00:24:40,271 --> 00:24:42,121
- But the Greeklings...
- But you'll still find a way
642
00:24:42,145 --> 00:24:43,763
to pay for those Madonna tickets.
643
00:24:43,851 --> 00:24:45,904
Plus, you're getting an agent
out of this whole thing.
644
00:24:45,928 --> 00:24:47,054
No, I'm not!
645
00:24:47,128 --> 00:24:48,953
Passias told that whole
roomful of agents
646
00:24:48,997 --> 00:24:51,828
that I'm his protégé and that
he taught me everything I know.
647
00:24:52,053 --> 00:24:53,788
I'm not getting anything out of this.
648
00:24:53,842 --> 00:24:55,812
And I lost my golden toilet seat!
649
00:24:55,942 --> 00:24:57,773
Now that I can't get any
more Cinderestylox,
650
00:24:57,833 --> 00:24:59,671
we're never gonna smile again.
651
00:25:00,835 --> 00:25:03,004
Oh... oh... oh... oh!
652
00:25:04,178 --> 00:25:05,931
Oh!
653
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:39,055
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com.
654
00:25:41,012 --> 00:25:42,264
La la la.
655
00:25:42,390 --> 00:25:44,102
Oh, my God.
47906
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.