Original subtitles

[reporter] Mr. Baldwin, would you like to say anything...

[female reporter]

I prayed and prayed about this

until I was going to pass out.

Your motion to dismiss with prejudice is granted.

This entire thing has been as many things with parenting.

There's been no manual.

-Please, please. -We made it home. We made it home.

[Alec] I've never been through anything like this in my entire life.

Who knows what's the right thing to do?

[crying]

[Hilaria] We're gonna go to see Dr. Sultan

to check in on what we've been through

and what our kids have been through.

I'm nervous to bring Alec to therapy,

because it has not been something

he's been very receptive about in the past.

No one had any idea whatsoever what was going to happen.

You adjust to... Now it's over,

and I walk out the door, and I'm completely free.

[Hilaria] He keeps everything in until he bursts.

For you, it's always, "Well, I have to move."

"Well, I have to quit this." "Well, I have to do that."

I do not want to go back to the life I had.

I don't.

I don't care.

I don't want to go back.

I don't.

[opening theme music playing]

[Dr. Sultan] You have just gone through

a harrowing experience for three years

while married with seven children.

I mean, that is, like, huge.

-Of course you want to withdraw. -Yes.

-And you want to do that... -And I don't apologize for it.

You need to protect yourself.

This is at such a basic sort of, like, reptilian brain level.

I want you to feel free that no one is trying-

You're free now.

You have lived,

especially for the past almost three years,

without freedom.

-And? -And...

-And? -Sometimes,

you start thinking...

People. You, as in people, start-

Don't- You can't know

because it's a trauma response of keeping yourself inside.

And so what I'm telling you something now, Alec, you're free.

-You're free. You can go. -I don't feel that way.

[Hilaria] I know.

I think it's human nature to retreat and run and hide,

because what you're feeling inside is so awful.

And so I think that it it can bring you

to a place of feeling closed in,

and I do worry that Alec could get stuck in that place.

People say to me, "Oh, God, now you can go back to your life,"

and I go, "Go back to my life?"

I don't want to go back to my life.

I want a different life now.

I want a different life.

-Your priorities are shifting in your life. -Right.

I mean, you have a lot of individuals that...

-Are counting on us. -...are counting on you,

and the two of you together, right?

So you have to reprioritize what matters to you.

[Hilaria] What I hope for you

is you realize how many opportunities you have,

how many opportunities our kids have.

We have so much ahead of us.

And I think that, regardless of where we move to,

regardless of what we're doing,

we need to feel really solid within ourselves,

and every single day, try to be better.

And I hope, as somebody who loves you

and as your partner

and as the mother of our children,

I hope that you can figure out that you're free now.

You're free. And so when you say-

I'll do my best- That's a near impossibility now.

It's gonna take time,

but I'm gonna tell you every single day that.

[Alec] The sign that I feel better,

the sign that I'm kind of on the road to some recovery

is when I'm alone.

When I'm alone,

and I'm not thinking of these really tough things

that are...

not so great when you're all by yourself.

"What are you wishing for?"

"What are you hoping for?"

"Have you given up?"

Going on is hard and giving up is hard.

[Dr. Sultan] I want to stop here. This is great,

but you're trying to do a lot, okay?

'Cause you are ahead of him

in your understanding of this

and your experience of it, right?

He is in a different place than you are.

We can pause

and come back to something like that

in the future.

[Hilaria] You can't make the pain go away, but...

now, hopefully, we can do the necessary healing.

We have to work on what's raw in ourselves,

'cause, typically, if we're okay,

our kids are gonna be okay,

and we can go forward

and try to create more stability

and a lighter energy in our home.

[soft music playing]

I literally, 1000% literally, don't know what to say.

I don't know what to say.

What I hear from you,

which is really valid,

is I've been hurt.

-I've lost trust... -[Alec]

...in people. Yes!

No, but, Alec, just make it simple.

Make it simple, because if you make it

so complicated for yourself and so vague...

-You need to start to put your feelings into words. -I think "I'm hurt" is vague.

I think what you're saying is vague.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't.

It's not even talking so much about it happening.

You can figure out how you want to kind of process that.

-I'm not following what you're saying. -What I'm saying is

if we don't process something and we go-

But this is how I'm gonna process it.

This is how.

You can't just stop everything down.

How do you deal with the pain that you still have inside,

the trauma that you still have inside?

This is where we differ.

And I'm the one that has to decide,

how do I process this?

My wounds can't heal while I stay in public life.

What I need is less of certain things in my life to be happy,

not more.

I need less...

noise, problems.

Alec, you've said the same exact thing,

'cause whenever you're hurt, you say the same exact thing.

When I say what I say,

at the moment that I say it, I mean it.

I know.

Slow down, please.

-We're good, Alec. -Why are you in such a hurry?

You told me you were in a hurry.

No, but I'm saying...

[exhales]

Yeah. [exhales] Is right.

[Hilaria] Watching somebody go through a healing process is hard.

And what I see from Alec

is a tremendous amount of pain sometimes.

I want to try to help him heal.

Even when I'm shaking my finger at him

and I'm being a little tough with him,

I know it's because he, with his nervous system,

he needs the stability of somebody... [imitates thud]

...this is what's happening.

And then he can come,

and even if he gets mad about it,

it doesn't move. I don't move.

I'm right here, and I want him to be happy.

I don't want to argue with you.

-We're not arguing. -Okay.

We're being passionate. That's how we talk.

Right, but when I'm asking you to sympathize with me

is I don't want to be angry with you.

I just want you sympathize with me, which is...

I really need to have a different life.

-Good. Good. -I need to have a different life.

Please.

-You have the keys, right? -Yes, I do.

[upbeat music playing]

[child squealing]

[crying]

[Alec] What's the matter, Lui?

[Hilaria] Now that the trial is over,

I want to focus on healing as a family

and trying to reconnect with each other

and really tap into what do the kids need,

what does Alec need, what do I need,

what do we all need together,

in order to feel that we are a solid unit.

Are we gonna cook?

[Hilaria] All right, let's go. Let's find out.

Wait, wait, wait.

[grunts, squeals]

-[scoffs] Stop. -Mama!

Mom, I can't find my- Oh.

No.

[Hilaria] The Hamptons are known for their farms

and for their very, very fresh produce,

so we are going to a local farm,

and we are going to do cooking classes with the kids.

-Guys! -Let's go.

[Hilaria] Guys, wait!

No, bring her back this way. We're waiting for Daddy.

-We're waiting for Daddy. -[Alec] Who's this?

How old is he?

[mother]

Oh, my God, look at the size of this kid.

[Hilaria] Alec is like the mayor.

He's gonna go out, and he wants to shake hands.

He wants to connect with people.

If people aren't interacting with him,

he'll usually go up to people,

and he wants to talk to people about their kids.

Are you an expert pizza chef?

This is a pizza oven?

-Yeah. -Oh, cool.

What do you burn, wood?

-Mm-hmm. Yeah. -Let me see.

[Hilaria] But I have to say,

it's nice to watch him start to get back to himself.

Okay, Cool. That's great.

Come here. Let's go make pizza.

-Y'all ready to come on back to the classroom? -Yes. Yes.

All right, guys. Let's go to the classroom.

-Leo, will you help me? -Come to class.

What's the matter, buggy?

You okay?

Where's that baby?

[instructor] So welcome, guys.

So today, we're gonna make a green pizza.

Now I know that sounds very suspicious.

[Hilaria] Everybody can make it the way they want it.

No, this is just being three.

Okay.

Or pizza?

-[Carmen] Yeah, pizza. Okay. -I like that, too.

That looks very tasty.

I bet our pizza chef is excited

for you to walk that over.

Right there, okay? Step up.

[softly] There we go. Oh, look, paparazzi.

Hey, Raf. Can you open the door for us?

-It's okay. Just ignore him. -[camera shutter clicking]

[Alec] I've had my skirmishes with paparazzi,

and I've had my, you know, problems.

You're here when my wife and my kid come out here,

you're gonna have a big problem.

[Alec] But now, I'm 66 years old.

What are you gonna do now?

If you punch every tabloid photographer,

the way the world is now,

you're gonna be exhausted by the end of the day.

If the guy's taking a picture of my family from 75 ft away,

when I was much younger, I would really, really let that bother me.

But after everything we've been through,

I just want to take care of my family.

I want to be left alone.

[camera shutter clicking]

When I had Carmen, I went for my first run,

and I'm getting chased by a bunch of paparazzi on bikes

and they're messing with me.

They're, like, bumping me with their bikes.

I found a police officer,

I said, "They're chasing me on bikes."

And he was like, "What?" I said, "Yeah.

Grown men are chasing me on bikes."

And they go up to them and they're like,

"Oh, officer, here's my press badge."

And the officer comes to me and he said,

"I'm so sorry. You're a public figure.

There's nothing I can do."

-[camera shutter clicks] -I started to silently cry

and I continued my run.

But I was like such a mess and I was like,

I have grown men chasing me on bikes,

and I don't have the right to ask for help.

It's a really hard thing to deal with.

Paparazzi and all that kind of stuff is very, very common

for children of celebrities as well.

You can see lots of "Famous kids" sticking their tongue out,

giving the finger...

[laughing] All sorts of things.

Hiding behind very small trees,

but you can obviously see them.

It's a bizarre experience.

I don't want to say, "Oh, I can show you some yelling,"

but I mean, you know, get a paparazzi in here

who tries to, you know, chip my wife's teeth

with the lens of his camera.

Then you're gonna see some yelling.

[soft music playing]

[Hilaria] Just ignore it. Just ignore him.

He's... It's just...

He's like an 80-year-old baby.

Just, like, ignore him.

No, not Dad.

[Hilaria] I know it's better to disengage.

Have I always disengaged? No.

Have I had problems?

Absolutely.

[camera shutters clicking]

[Hilaria] When Alec was charged the first time,

they're all there.

I got mobbed in the morning.

I mean, it was just absolutely insane.

[commentator 1] "Hilaria Baldwin nails mob wife aesthetic."

Okay, what is wrong with her?

It's under 30 degrees out,

and she's wearing fishnets,

stiletto sunglasses and a miniskirt.

[commentator 2] Yeah, but she started the day

in a puffer jacket and winter boots.

But then she saw all the cameras

-and was like- -[commentator 1] She changed!

Okay, she saw all the paparazzi were there

because of the charges filed or whatever,

and she was like, "Hang on.

Mommy needs to look good for the cameras,"

and came back out in this outfit?

[commentator 2] I actually think that's exactly what happened.

[Hilaria] That is not what happened.

Alec needed to try to get in the car,

and to try to protect him,

I went inside, put on a ridiculous outfit,

and went back outside.

I mean, the fact that they didn't realize

that I was, like, messing with them is extraordinary.

I put my back to the corner

so their back was to the apartment.

And then we had a car pull up.

Alec goes into the car, drives off.

Oh, that's so nice.

I'm so happy to hear that.

[Hilaria] And then I walked right back to the house.

[camera shutters clicking]

[Hilaria] People call me an attention seeker.

Like, they'll say all sorts of things

because they don't understand what I'm doing.

And so they think I'm nuts.

And I'm like, "You know what?

Call me nuts.

But you know what? I'm gonna take care of my husband,

and I'm gonna take care of my kids."

[Alec] Stand back, everyone.

Stand back for the greatest pizza of them all.

That's for you and me.

Wanna come to Daddy?

Come here. And she has pesto all over?

Yeah, what can I tell you?

I think I have so much food in my hair.

[Hilaria] The past three years

has been a tremendous weight on us.

That has, of course, deeply affected our children.

We're not giving our kids

absolutely everything that we could.

So I'm excited because now,

not only can we check in with how we're doing,

but also how our children are doing.

See, this is a piece of pizza.

Ready? What do I do?

[Hilaria] Carmen, you good?

-Mmm. Mmm. -Want a piece?

I'm a pizza-eating dinosaur.

[snarls]

[chuckles] You and me, right?

You and me love pizza.

Are you eating more pizza than me?

-[Hilaria] This is fun, no? -[Alec] I loved it.

-[Hilaria] Yeah? -[Alec] I loved it.

These kids have never needed a bath

more in their lives.

[soft music playing]

[Alec] This house is our vacation home,

our second home, pool.

It's a big house, and it works great.

Everybody, I think, really likes coming out here

when we come out here for the summer.

So when I bought this house,

it was a cold winter day in December of '95.

-[child] Mom! -Chronologically-

Is that okay with the noise of those people?

And the world was like, "No, we're gonna throw a tree in your way."

[Carmen] Can I do a face scrub on you?

[Hilaria] Like not right now.

We have to whisper now,

'cause Daddy's having a monolog.

It's emblematic. Um...

[children chattering]

We're gonna redecorate.

We have to get

all the kid's stuff out of the- This stuff...

You turn around and five years goes by.

You sit in that room and you go,

"These rugs gotta go."

You look in that living room and you go,

"We need new everything."

Because the kids are not the worst I've seen,

but the dogs are.

Let's go show you a couple of things.

This is my favorite, but also one of the funniest parts.

So this thing here slides.

You can close it off so you can have complete privacy.

-[child] Mom! -We've never closed.

It's never stayed closed.

In here- which is a mess-

but this is my office.

It's a mess.

I threw- Everything I don't want to see

I throw in here.

And then we go up these stairs.

Here's my little closet here, which is...

There are no words to describe.

David Letterman said to me, "What can I give you

that you don't already have for your birthday?"

So he puts me in Joe Namath's shirt, number 12.

He snaps the ball,

and Joe Namath throws me a pass

on The David Letterman Show.

I cried.

This is my wife's bathroom.

Toilet, sink, shower in here.

My bathroom's around the corner, my little cabin bathroom.

That's really funny that you would say that.

Her bathroom.

I don't even want anybody to see my bathroom.

It's so embarrassing.

The baby sleeps in here.

You can hear all the loud sound machines.

The baby sleeps next to Niagara Falls every night.

This is Carmen's room.

You're in for a treat.

Carmen and her friend Fleur are here.

And...

voila!

Two ten-year-old girls.

So this is the boys' room.

[purring]

[softly] Oh, please. Oh, God. Oh, God help me.

[meows]

What do you want to say to me?

All right, then. Get out of here.

I've never really gotten my nails done at home before.

One of Carmen's best friends,

her name is Fleur, she's British,

and she always has really great nails,

especially for a 12-year-old.

And I was like, "Fleur, who does your nails?"

And she's like, "My 15-year-old sister."

And I was like, "Perfect.

Can she come and do my nails?"

And there you go.

The nail design, do you want...

Do you want, like, French tips or like something classy?

But are French tips not classy?

No, French tips are the classiest thing you can get.

[Hilaria] Carmen is funny,

Carmen is smart,

and she's somebody who's

extraordinarily connected to me.

I mean, first child,

as much as you release them from the parenting role,

they've put it on themselves as,

"I'm gonna take care of all my younger siblings."

And therefore, the home and the family.

When we were in New Mexico, Carmen was there.

But she's a kid.

And we need to remind her that she's a kid.

And so I just want to hang out with her as a child,

where we can just have fun.

[Carmen] This will be us in, like, what?

[Fleur] There was like this goo in your eye.

Ew!

It's snot.

-How? -[Hilaria] It's snot?

Yeah, I think you blew your nose,

and then it went into your eye.

How does that work?

I don't know. You tell me.

Oh, yeah! I saw, like, this TikTok of a guy

'cause apparently your nose and that corner of your eye is connected.

Wait, do you feel like most kids your age have TikTok?

-No! -Yes, everybody in my class has it.

They just don't want...

[Hilaria] Social media is a hard one,

because kids are curious about social media,

even if they don't have social media.

Everybody's talking about social media now.

So the question is, how do you expose them to these things

so that when they have social media,

it's not just this whole new world

that nobody's told them about

because it's been kept under wraps

'cause we're all so afraid of it.

I had no more video views, no new profile views.

It wasn't showing me my profile views, which made me sad.

[laughs]

[Hilaria] I think social media used to be more fun,

and then it just got to a point

where I think that people started getting attention for being very toxic.

[Alec] You know, most parents struggle in the modern world

with these devices and the technology,

and for them to watch

this obviously ridiculous breadth of material.

It's insane what's on there.

I mean, I know how it goes from here to here.

[Hilaria] And I think the most important thing is talking about it.

What is the addictive part of it?

And what is the bad for the mental health part of it?

You know, it's a scary time to raise kids.

Does she have a booger up her nose?

Yes. This is not a real account.

[girls laughing]

[exhales heavily]

[Hilaria] What do you think about social media?

I think it affects mental health.

-It affects mental health, right? -Yeah.

'Cause look at them. Look at how grown up they are.

I know. I was not like this.

[Hilaria] Yeah, I definitely wasn't.

I was doing handstands

-and running around. -I was making slime.

What is the phone case?

What is the phone case?

-Now, it's, like, makeup, TikTok. -And now it's makeup.

And they're worried about weight now,

-right, which is bad. -Yeah.

Well, Carmen is just like... She's just a force.

And sometimes I think,

"What are you gonna be like when you grow up?"

You know? She's my oldest.

And she's transitioning from one age,

and she's going off into the next age,

and you knew that that was going to happen.

But, um, it's also scary.

[girl] Even for me, I worry,

like, that Fleur's gonna be, like, insecure about stuff.

Yeah.

I see a difference when she's not on social media.

[Hilaria] I think it makes a huge difference.

These are the things that we worry about

because your mind is still, like, forming,

and, like, we just worry,

'cause we want it to go well for you

-'cause you're important. -[Carmen] Yeah...

So would you think-

Would you think, Carmen, though,

is there a nice thing about being able

to have your childhood?

You're somebody who seems like

you're growing up so fast.

-You want to grow up so fast. -Yeah.

And that's so fun because, like, you come to dinner with us

and we're always laughing.

But I've been doing that

since I was, like, a newborn.

Yeah, you kinda came out that way.

At the same time,

are there things that you like to lean into

in being a kid?

Not really. I'm just throwing being a kid away.

I'm ready to be an adult.

Except for pay bills and taxes,

'cause that sounds awful.

[groans]

Yeah. Can we go on the golf cart or no?

You're just staring at me.

Can you respond, please?

-Okay. Bye. -[Fleur] Yay!

[Carmen] Toodles.

Ten? Add five minutes.

[laughs] Are they gonna survive teenagehood?

[Fleur's sister] Um...

[exhales]

So you've lived in, like, so many different places.

I've lived in four different places.

-Four different places. -Yeah.

I don't really remember England and Amsterdam though,

just 'cause I was kind of like younger.

Is it weird when people hear how you talk

and then they just assume that you're gonna be super British,

and you're like, "No, not at all."

Yeah, my accent changes

-when I'm around my friends, I think. -Mm-hmm.

It depends how they speak.

With my British friends, I think I sound more British.

It feels weird if I'm, like, speaking, like, American.

-Yeah. -But then if I'm with my American friends,

I'm like, "Oh, it sounds kind of weird if I'm just British."

Growing up in a way

where you have multiple cultural influences on you

means that you're never gonna be able to fit in.

You can try. You can chameleon.

You know, people who code switch are very good at chameleoning.

And they'll be like, "Okay, I'm gonna be a little bit..."

And you're not even thinking about it.

It's just normal. It's just natural.

They say that it's like communication,

like people who...

If you ever talk to, like, a really old person

who cannot hear...

-Yeah. -...and you have to, like-

-You notice- -You have to emphasize.

You're like, "I'm gonna emphasize, I'm gonna speak slower."

And you're not even really thinking about it.

You just start to do it.

-It just happens. -It just happens.

-You know what it's called? -What?

-Code-switching. Uh-huh. -Code-switching?

No, it's like a real thing.

-I did not know that. -I had to learn about it

'cause the whole world was mean to me,

and so, I had to learn it.

It's code-switching.

Being in, you know, "the spotlight," as people like to call it,

people say, "Oh, don't you get used to it?"

No. You don't get used to it.

You never get used to people being mean.

But you take a deep breath,

and I think you learn to distance yourself from it.

And so, you know, you just try turning down the volume...

in my head of it.

"Okay, I'm just gonna turn that down."

And I'm not gonna take it personally.

[Hilaria] I'm so impressed.

These look so good. I love them.

We need to start teaching Carmen how to do this too.

-Yes. -To be your apprentice.

-I can teach her. -Great.

-We'll put her to work... -[chuckles]

...all over social media.

Thank you so much.

[both] Thank you.

[upbeat music playing]

Nothing like organizing my shoes.

What about over here?

[chuckles]

You messed 'em up deliberately.

-I know you did. -I did. I want to see

if you get all of them that I've messed up.

Keep going. Keep going.

-Keep going. -Okay, you're an ass.

-[Hilaria laughs] -A horrible person.

Hate's a strong word, and I'm gonna say hate.

[Hilaria laughing]

I have the least amount of affection for you now

than I've ever had.

[Hilaria] Alec has OCD,

and that wasn't something I always understood.

It wasn't something he always understood.

Does it make you feel better?

Or it makes you feel better that's just done?

Do you think it's like the act of it?

When you mess with me,

it doesn't make me feel better.

-No, it doesn't. -[laughing]

[Alec] I straighten them out once a day,

and I know, within 30 seconds,

they're all gonna be [bleep] again.

[Hilaria] I worry about Alec,

because we were living with so much stress

for such a long time

that his OCD has gotten even worse.

Honey, what happened to your car?

-[Hilaria] What? -Honey, what happened?

Honey, it scratched the paint off.

You probably were driving it.

It wasn't me.

When I put my foot down and he pushes back at me...

All right, roll up the windows and let me wash the car.

...that's the OCD rearing its ugly head.

Where- How did you hit the car?

-What happened? -I did not hit the car.

-Here's a chance for you to confess. -One hundred percent.

I drive like a grandma.

No, you drive like Grandma

when Grandma smokes crack.

Okay? That's how you drive.

[Hilaria] I don't have any tickets.

My record is clean, my friend.

[Alec] I had my stuff here. Where did it go?

Is my bucket over here and my brush?

[Hilaria] Let me see.

I didn't understand that

a lot of the way that he tries to control

and the way that he behaves has to do with his OCD,

which is painful.

I need the bucket, the brush and the cleaner.

I found it.

[Alec] You found it? Okay, let's not delay.

Come. Come. I'm gonna wash your car.

-[Hilaria laughing] -Trying to scrub the dent out.

I realized that, as a result of my childhood,

which was very chaotic in terms of my home-

six kids, no money, two parents-

everything was a mess all the time.

My mother would say the phrase,

"Straighten up this room."

And I go into a room and I do my thing,

all very simple, very modest,

but things that I thought would make everything look better.

My OCD,

I think it's definitely a part of that,

because I'm back in a house with a lot of kids.

I'm not one of those kids now. I'm the father.

So the OCD thing is not so much a problem for me.

My OCD is a problem for the people around me.

Where did you hit the car, honey?

-Where did you do it? -No, I would never,

because I'm good at backing up and you're not.

[Hilaria] You would be a lot happier without OCD.

The person that your OS tortures more than any of us is...

[crying]

Can you get the spray bottle in the kitchen while I fill this up?

You're like a surgeon.

-You're like, "Scalpel." -That's right.

I played a doctor in a movie once.

"Harrington."

-Harrington. -Harrington.

Scalpel.

Oh, my God, what's that? More dents?

Honey, is that more dents over there?

That looks like dirt.

This is really, really weird.

This stuff is really weird.

Just don't scratch it

'cause you're gonna end up scratching the car...

This is a scratch.

Honey, what is this?

Remember when Alien would bleed

and he had acid in his veins?

Honey, there's alien poop all over the car.

What is this?

It's cheese.

I'm not kidding.

There's cheese on the car.

Or is it gum or is it slime from my kids?

Oh, wow, this is horrible.

Now, it's under my fingernail.

[Hilaria] So now I'll do this part.

-No, don't do that. -Why?

Don't squirt it on the car. You put it on the brush.

[Hilaria] It's called soaking something.

[Alec] Calming cleans me and cleaning calms me.

It's the trauma of my childhood.

When I was a kid, my sister Beth and I,

we cleaned the house.

And if we didn't clean the house,

the house was a mess.

My other brothers were like, you know, in the front yard.

"Yeah!"

"Yeah!"

And I'm like, you know, I'm Cinderella.

What was the thing that's gonna make my mother happy?

Making my mother happy was important.

What's the thing we're gonna do to make my mother happy?

Well, cleaning the house is one.

My sister Beth and I, we were the staff.

My three brothers, Danny, Billy and Steven,

were like playing sports and messing around or whatever.

You know, they just didn't do anything.

And my sister Beth and I, we were like,

"Do the laundry, do this, rake the leaves,

cut the grass, walk the dog,

you know, clean up the kitchen."

And my brothers didn't do very much of it at all.

My sister and I, our wash machine broke,

and we didn't have a wash machine

in our house for, like, a while.

For, like, months.

My parents couldn't afford to get it fixed.

My parents couldn't afford to buy a new one.

Did you ever see those, like,

I don't know if it's called memes like,

"I wish I let the dishes wait.

I wish I had enjoyed the mess of the toys."

I wasn't present enough

'cause I was so worried

about cleaning and perfection all the time.

I haven't seen those memes.

I've seen other memes, though.

Memes that say,

"You have to clean that goddamn car,

or you're gonna burn in hell," or whatever.

But my point is that, yes, you're right.

And I have gotten better with that.

[Alec] I am someone that, as the direct result

of what I've been going through lately,

but you don't go, "Simon says, 'Back to normal.'"

It takes a long time.

It takes longer than I imagined,

and my feelings and my emotions

and my energy level and all those things is...

coming back very slowly.

So three hours later, we're almost done with this car.

And then, all of a sudden, a bird flies by and poops on our car.

[Hilaria] Cozy, Cozy. Cozy.

[in Spanish]

The, um... The birds eated...

The birds- The birds eated poo-poo.

The birds eat worms

and then the mummy birds eats it, chews it up,

-and then throws it up and it's really gross. -The mommy eats worms.

All right, who are the Dedes?

And why are you guys named the Dedes?

Edu and Lulu are five and a half months apart.

Alec likes to call them twins. They're not twins.

They came up with calling each other "Dede" when they were younger.

They'd point at each other and be like, "You dede," "No, you dede."

You dede.

No, no. No, no.

You dede.

[Hilaria] And they just became "los dedes."

So they're the Dedes.

And it's just kind of this, like, silly little term

that they have come up with

that is their version of twins.

[child] Aw!

You see how cute this is? Edu, hug Lulu.

[groans] Not like that. Like this.

[Hilaria] All right, Lulu.

So we're gonna make two granolas.

-One of them... -This one,

this one, this one and that one.

So I was gonna make one for you...

-Yeah. -...and one for Daddy.

This one's for me.

This one's for you, and that one's for Daddy.

Yeah, and it can be for the boys

-and for Daddy... -Yeah?

...and, and, and Rafa, Leo and Romeo.

We're gonna share with everybody?

-Yeah. Yeah. -Okay.

I had four kids pretty quickly.

Then I got pregnant naturally,

like I did with all the other ones,

and I, um... so I had a miscarriage.

[exhales sharply] Um...

I'll be okay.

I was very public about it.

Came out, had conversations that were hard to have for me.

It's a very hard thing to go through.

Enough got into my head and I was like...

And so I tried IVF,

and everything seemed to be going really well.

Everything seemed to be progressing in a really great way.

And then I lost the baby between four and five months.

[sniffles]

You know, she...

They don't know why she died.

I just went for, like, a normal scan,

but I knew 'cause I- I think I knew,

because I kept on saying, "I can't feel her."

And so I think I knew.

But you don't wanna know.

So it was, you know.

But, yeah, I mean, it was hard.

I had an attachment.

You know, I was excited.

And when you have a later miscarriage loss,

whatever word you want to use,

your body has to essentially have the baby.

It is definitely just a physically and emotionally hard experience.

[sniffling]

It was one of the lowest I've ever felt.

I didn't know what I was going to do.

Okay, ready?

You want me to pour it in there

and then you pour it in the bowl, okay?

-Okay. -Don't put too much, okay?

Well, we have to put too much.

When I had my miscarriages, I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know what the next steps were.

And then I felt that it was important...

to...

open a door of possibilities.

Nice work.

I'm so strong to do that.

-[Hilaria] You are so... -[Alec] Are you so strong?

-Yes. -[Hilaria] That was strong to do that.

[Hilaria] Then, moving forward,

I had this other embryo,

and I was terrified of having an IVF baby again

after the traumatic loss that I had.

My fear was that if I put her inside of me,

I was gonna kill her.

Can I try?

Yeah, let me open it like this

'cause it's a little hard.

So I connected with people who had done surrogacy.

I met this really amazing woman

who ended up carrying Mari-Lu.

Then I find out I'm pregnant, naturally.

Which I guess, you're very fertile after IVF.

And I found out I was having Edu,

and so we were pregnant at the same time.

And so Edu was born

and then Lulu, our surrogate baby,

five and a half months later.

Special knives just for you,

and so while this is cooking right now...

I can use it?

You can use those blue knives.

Those are special knives just for you.

You want to try these?

You have to chew it.

-Yummy. -Yummy, right?

Look.

-Yummy? -It tastes like honey.

Yeah, these are called currants,

and they're nice and sweet, right?

No, they're grapes.

They're grapes? Okay, we can call them grapes.

Ugh!

Okay, we didn't like it. Changed our mind.

[blows raspberry]

[Hilaria] With Mari-Lu, Alec sometimes would worry.

He's like, "Is she gonna feel different?"

Uh, "Is she gonna feel bad?"

And I don't-

I hope not, because she was so wanted.

Is it ready, Mom?

Okay, nice and toasty.

-There's one for Daddy... -And one for me.

[Hilaria] And one special one for you.

[both] Yay!

Have to blow it from this side.

Do you see how I'm holding it with a special glove?

It will be flying in the air?

Flying in the air, and then we'd be like,

"We have some granola that we like to eat."

[Hilaria] In the end, we have our loving family.

But it's not the same path

that my other babies were born.

But she feels exactly the same.

She's so connected to me.

It doesn't feel different.

It doesn't feel- She's my baby.

Mom, I put it in.

[squeals] We already have honey in there.

So I think just embracing what is,

understanding that the one thing that you know for sure,

you're gonna love your kids so much that it hurts.

Will you help me put this in?

-I'm gonna do it, okay? -Okay.

You do it here.

Okay. First, um, do this,

-and I'll- -Do you want me to pour it?

-Yeah. -What do you think?

Okay, tell me how much. Is that a good enough?

Okay, we'll just do all of it.

That's like a dog food.

It looks like dog food?

Hopefully, it'll taste better than dog food.

Go!

[Alec] Come on, Shmeddes.

On your mark.

[Hilaria] Good idea. You know what?

I want a family race. Baby!

Are we even gonna race now?

[Hilaria] Yes, we are. But we have to get everybody here.

This is my summer with my kids.

[Alec] I thought we were having a race.

[Hilaria] Maybe. We are.

But why don't you help me to organize?

-Let's go. -Ready, set, go!

[Alec] You know, after everything we've been through,

my kids are happy, that's all I care about.

[screaming]

-[Hilaria] Lulu! -Lui, come!

[Hilaria] We have to...

-[boy shouting] -[Carmen] Shut it.

Romeo.

[Hilaria] What has gotten, at least, me,

and I don't know about you,

through this experience has been,

"How can I carve out space to find the calms in the storm?"

And we get to a place where now we can come home,

and now we can try to remember how to live again.

Maybe we don't have to live like this anymore.

Okay, guys, ready?

-Okay. -[Alec] No, no, line up.

We're gonna go. On your mark!

-Everybody focus. -[children chattering]

[Alec] Come back! Come back!

Come back!

Leo!

It's interesting to see men who look at me

like they think I'm like them.

"Well, like you can only take this parenting thing so far."

They're like, "Well, you're gonna get back to work, right?"

Like, "We're men. We have to work."

And I'm like, "You know what, eh..."

Wait, wait.

[Alec] "What are you doing?"

"So the answer isn't a movie

or a TV show or a play?"

Although there's nothing wrong with that. I just-

What I'm doing is this.

This is what I'm doing...

is raising my kids.

And I just feel like, you know...

[inhales deeply] Well...

Get set, go.

[Alec] Maybe I'll just step aside

and forget about acting and career.

You know, I've got a lot of friends who are

very successful people in this business.

That's one regret they have.

They didn't spend as much time with their kids

as they might have

'cause that was the time for them to work.

You know, they strike while the iron is hot.

[Hilaria laughing] We're gonna fall into each other.

[Alec] And there was a 20-year period

from when they were 30 to 50

where they did nothing but work all day, every day,

and when they arrived at the end of that,

when they were 50,

their kids were out the door to go to college.

And they didn't really, um...

I don't want to say they didn't know them,

although that certainly is the case as well.

Is they...

It's time that they can't get back.

I don't want to have that regret.

I mean, this is the one benefit

of having kids later in life.

[children chattering]

-We can't cross each other! -My foot hurts.

[Alec] Appreciation factor that you can't have until you're my age.

You know, it's just I realized I...

what a privilege it is and what a gift it is.

Just the joy and the gift

of being able to stay home a lot and be with them.

That's the thing I'm doing.

That's what I'm doing.

What I'm doing is this.

At least for right now.

-[baby crying] -I know.

[Hilaria] Taking seven kids to the dentist is exactly like it sounds.

It's...

awful.

[paparazzi clamoring]

After my divorce, it became a challenge.

One of my most regrettable things about the whole thing

was how it affected Ireland.

It became, as it still is,

difficult, uh, unnecessarily difficult.

I feel like I've reached my limit.

My relationship with Ireland is unique for a stepmom relationship.

I'm 11 years older than her.

We were pregnant together, but just barely.

Since I'm your, like, grandma, it's gonna be okay.

All right? So... Thank you.

[Alec] It's been very, very tough for her.

I fully expected her to sit down with me and say,

"I don't think I can do it anymore."

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