Original subtitles

Here we are on the Harvard campus. A boy and a girl. I'm the boy.

You know your little Penelope wants to marry you, darling.

But first go west and collect your inheritance,

the vast fortune your father left you.

Very few people recognize me from this angle. Not a classic head, haven't I?

You should see when they take the cork out! But enough chit chat! On with the story.

This girl is mad about me. No, don't kiss me!

Imagine any girl saying that to me? Silly child!

I like to kiss this girl because she has the kind of lips that I like.

One on the top and one on the bottom.

Go now Junior! Get your money.

And remember, I love you! Love you! Love you!

I'm about to turn to you, lucky people. Fasten your safety belts!

Don't be impatient! Please hold the applause, you might miss the plot.

Magna cum laude. Magna cum laude!

It's Latin meaning: If you folks drive home after the show, be sure and use a car.

What's this? This is an old character actor on the Paramount lot

we try to keep working. He's supporting a large family.

But I guarantee you this fellow will not be in the picture tonight! Well sir, on with the show...

I'll be waiting! And though you face grave danger,

Be brave. Be fearless!

For remember darling, you are Junior, son of Paleface!

The Sheriff! Let's go!

Good afternoon, Governor Freeman. HI Doc. Roy! Hello Roy.

We were on our way to meet you. Why this? I use the service entrance!

You see governor, when I'm assigned a case, I trust no one. Not even your personal guards.

Seems we got the right man Doc. That's what I told you, governor. What's you plan Roy?

The plan is to wait and watch. I don't think we'll have to wait too long.

You see, all the hold ups have taken place in this area.

And with the gold was stolen from these points,

I figure the town of Sawbuck Pass must be the Torch's headquarters.

Doc, I'll meet you there in the morning and get things set up. I'll be there.

Now be careful Roy. If Torch ever finds out you and Doc federal agents there, you'll never get out alive.

We have before. You see governor, I disguise myself with a song,

and Doc hides behind a bottle of patent medicine.

I'll see you later!

Hey trigger!

Trigger!

Trigger! Come here, boy!

Hurry up there boy! We're off to Sawbuck Pass... Hold it Trigger!

And now ladies and gentlemen, my partner and his four-legged friend

have only told you only a few, only a few of the curative powers of Doc. Lovejoy's wonder tonic.

Now who's to be the first to walk up here and purchase a clean bill of health for only one dollar?

Hey Doc! I'd like to buy a bottle for the sheriff. He's suffering from Torch trouble!

That ain't funny, mister!

Ain't funny? The bandit is stealing our gold. It's getting so nobodys safe.

The next thing you know the Torch will be riding in and shooting up the town.

Somebody must be smoking a full pack!

Easy folks! It's only me!

Only me! That's the understatement of the year.

Well, we must move ahead. Here we go!

Oops! Sorry.

Out of my way! I'm a Harvard man!

Watch out, here he comes again!

Help! Your going to run into me!

A scratch! Look a scratch on my mud guard! Sheriff! Where's the sheriff here.

I'm the sheriff. Oh your the man? Well sheriff run to the corner and get me a croocked lawyer.

How'd you like that?

Look at that fellow rolling in the mud! Arrest him for drunk driving.

I'm an innocent man and if you have any justice in you, you'll accept my bribe.

What is the big idea? Look what you did to our wagon and my horse!

Quarantine that beast! He's got the chickenpox! Listen you!

Please... lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine!

I never touched a drop in my life! Somebodys been putting bourbon in your toothpaste. Why you...!

Get your hands off of me! I'm engaged to be married.

And you stop puckering up! I wouldn't kiss you either. Now look Sheriff, I want...

Please, no dancing. Just a minute!

You'll pay for that wagon stranger, or you go to the hoosegow. Who gow? Oh the hoosegow?

Hold on. You can't put a Harvard man in jail, it's unsanitary.

What are you going to pay for that wagon with? Preposition at the end of a sentence.

Next thing you know he'll be dangling his partisible. Shame on you!

The school marm will certainly hear about this, sir!

Now can one of you peasants direct me to the bank?

I'm here to claim the inheritance left to me from my daddy Paleface Potter.

You Paleface's son? Your starring right at him!

Hey Lib! Son Paleface is here! Paleface!

Paleface?

Hurry up! He's going to read the will. C'mon, he's going to get his money!

And so I, Paleface Potter, the greatest Indian fighter to ever hit the West,

being of sound mind, I bequeath to my son Junior my entire fortune.

The reason I leave all of my money to my son Junior, is being of sound mind...

Well I won't bother to read the last paragraph Junior,

it's mearly an expression your father's love for you.

Just a minute! I was so young at the time, I

don't remember the things daddy said about me.

He poured out his heart in this will, I'd kinda like to read it.

The reason I leave all of my money to my son Junior, is being of sound mind

I can't leave my money to my wife because I ain't never forgiven her

since she presented me with an idiot for a son.

I was the only child.

But this idiot is all I got in the world, which shows you what a lousy spot I'm in.

I never knew dad felt that way about me.

I always knew I was kind of a shnook, but I'm a nice shnook, ain't I?

Even at Harvard I took a course in good shnookery.

I'm sorry, Junior.

All Dad's friends liked me. What a

reception, all those smiling faces out there.

Some of those faces out there aren't smiling Junior.

You see, your father left town in a hurry.

He left owing alot of bills to alot of people.

They expect to be paid out of the money you inherit.

There's your father's chest Junior. Hasn't been moved since he put it there

Here's the key.

It's a Yale lock. I wish I had my gloves!

Mr. Thorne, can I see you for a moment? I'll be

right away Waverly. I'll be right back Junior.

If they hang Junior Potter they should be ashamed of themselves!

For his sake I hope he find lots of gold. The way that mobs acting, he'll need it.

Look at hat big fellow with the block and tackle!

While they'll tear him limb from limb!

This whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. Well Junior will

be worse than sick in his stomach if he doesn't bring that gold out here.

You hold them off, I'll go get him.

Gold! Thousands of gold dollars. Gold!

I got gold!

It's all there. Gold slippers, gold trinkets. My daddy's gold!

I got gold rocks, gold stones, gallstones, gold gallstones.

I am rich! I got millions I tell you! Junior! I'm alright.

Waverly, come here quick!

Gold! I got gold! Now I can afford a Gabardine hat for summer.

Gold! I got millions!

I say we string him up right now. We'll never get paid.

He's got tricky eyes like his old man. My bill has been due over 30 years!

Please listen to me! Mr. Potter is suffering from shock.

The sight of all that money in his father's strongbox was just too much for him.

Your bills will all be paid within 2 days according to the terms of Paleface's will.

Should I take you to the hotel, Mr Potter? Mr. Potter! Mr. Potter!

Can anyone call me nugget? We want our money! Money!

Money! Money! Money! Money!

Darling, they're playing our song!

He won the West. He won it using loaded dice!

My daddy! How can I ever thank you for all the money you left me?

And I know you didn't mean to die daddy mine. Without paying your bills,

you just kinda keeled over before you could open a fat Western wallet.

I know you're happy there, branding those stray angels and plucking on your harp,

and sings "Buttons and Bows" and ka-ja-jipi-a-jo-ja-jam.

Many winters ago winter, Paleface kill my braves.

Now Yellow Cloud, kill son of Paleface.

How! How. Me likem send message, my girl Penelope.

Harvard University, Boston Mass. Care, tool house, girls entrance.

Message? Me found no money. Me plenty trouble.

You borrow money. Send plenty. Sign, Sam Pontiac.

Heep big Chief Sam Pontiac.

Here, wampum.

Hey chief! Here's your answer! It says:

"You gottem no money, you get lost!"

Signed: Heep Big Penelope.

The big double crossing little Heep! And to think

she was going to be mother of my idiot papoose!

I hope she can't keep up the payments on the ring!

Thanks for the wardrobe. Never trust any fillys from Boston!

Psst! Psst!

Gazuntite! Watch that. Psst! Psst!

I was just checking his hat size. 8 and a half AA. Thank you!

I'm donating a large portion of my vast wealth to charity.

I'm going to see every horse gets a new Easter outfit.

I'm sorry, those trousers won't be ready until tomorrow.

I had to cut a hole on the side so he can get his tail through.

Wouldn't be comfy walking around with a seat full of hair. Well, times a wasting,

and I have to get down to the livery stable for more fitting.

Livery stable? So you can get into your horseless carrage

and skedaddle out of town before your 2 days are up!

Your just your old Pa!

He was the lyingest, crookedest, mangyest,

rottenest, lowdown critter that never drew a sober breath.

Say, you really knew my daddy! Didn't ya.

You sir have cast dispersions on my dear old daddy!

That brave, lowdown, mangy, crooked drunken hero who won the West.

And If you weren't as weak and as old as you are...

You are weak and old, aren't you?

You are! Put up your dukes! Come on in the name of my dear old daddy,

who lies sleeping in a Boston cemetery, I demand a satisfaction!

If I didn't defend the honour of the Potter name,

my Daddy would turn over in his grave!

You know, nobody's going to have any suspicions of two

fellows hanging around just to get their wagon fixed.

Lucky those two bumped into us. You know I've got

a hunch that he's going to run us into more luck.

Good evening! How's our wagon coming along? Gonna be ready by tomorrow.

That soon, huh?

We figured you might be too busy seeing to that

college fellow didn't sneek out of town town.

If he tries to leave town, I'll smash his brains in!

I wouldn't do that, you might get in trouble with the law.

Be just as easy to unfix his transportation. We'll be seeing you!

You kinda got interested in young Potter's son's life. Didn't you Roy

You know Doc, I'm interested in alot of things!

I am interested in music...

And I am interested in Mr. keep Potter in town.

Unless I miss my guess, his father's gold will

create alot of interest with a certain party.

Five thousand, 30 thousand and 35 thousand.

And I know where the next bundle is coming from. Since when are you make the plans?

Something you otta know Mike, this afternoon... I know.

A couple of strangers, medicine men came into in town.

I don't mean them... Junior Potter came from the east to get his father's gold.

Alright fellas!

I'll take care of Mr JR. Potter. This is going to be my own private party.

And where do I come in?

Don't ever come to a party unless your invited! Forget about Mr. Potter.

As soon as I get him under a full moon, I'll empty his father's chest.

So you see boy, that's how I know that chest of your Pa's was as empty as his head.

Dad's head wasn't empty. I know 'cause Mother

used to rattle it for me when I was a baby.

Your Pa and me were partners boy. Paleface Potter and Ebeneezer Hawkins.

Prospecting by day and prospecting by night.

Hey, tell me about the nights?

Take some! Don't you get the demitasse size?

You look pale, you're color has left your cheeks.

I know, my blood's going down to my hip pocket to count my money.

Your Pa wouldn't put his gold in the bank. He

didn't trust banks. He was too crafty for that

But he hid the gold somewhere!

This water is warm.

Well then your Pa had to get back to Boston before

he had a chance to tell me where he hid the gold.

But he must have told you. Dad was too crafty, to tell anything to an idiot.

Stop feeling bad boy! You gotta start thinking!

Your Pa must have said something. You've got to remember where he hid his gold!

'Causen if we find it boy, we'll be rich! Gold! Gold!

Millions and Billions! Gold!

Gold! I've got goldshot eyes. Gold! Gold!

Steady Ebe! We did that bit. Now you got to start thinking.

No wonder that water was warm!

Hey, Doc, there goes our bait.

Sure good to hear you dreamt to settle down in Sawbuck Pass boy.

Smile. Smile. Yes, I was thinking seriously

of squandering my fantastic fortune here here.

Sort of a endowed college branch of Harvard.

Sawbuck endings with a built-in lampoon.

We better stick close. Yes, if your right he should lead us to the Torch.

I remember the time that daddy was telling me about when

he fought a redskin with one hand tied behind his back. Beat him to a pulp too.

Of course it might have been a diffrent story if that

redskin hadn't had one hand tied behind his back.

Oh daddy loved killing Indians.

He didn't consider his day complete unless at least one redskin bit the dust.

Some of those dopey looking Indians bit so much dust

that they had to brush their teeth with a wisk broom.

I thought you were wood! Like...

You've heard of wooden Indians, huh?

Come in! Sorry, no table without a reservation. Do you get it?

Reservation. That's a joke like in...

Well. You see, I'm the son of Paleface. You've

heard about Paleface, the great Eskimo fighter?

Hated Eskimos, hated 'em. They taught him how to rub noses and I inherited this!

I was. Well...

Don't take any wooden Indians. I mean wooden nickels. Wooden nickels.

That reservations pretty funny. You know... Oh well.

That's the big difference between Dad and me.

Having an education, I believe on letting Indians live.

Poor old Dad never had any schooling. He was a selfmade moron.

Course I'm different I only associate with intellectuals.

This sounds like a intellectual joint!

Glad you got your formal on!

How am I doing? Fine boy! We got 'em fooled!

Now keep acting like your your Pa's chest is loaded.

But keep thinking... I keep thinking of this. Well

Hold on folks! Hold on!

You all know Junior, son of Paleface, the rich millionaire!

I've been making speaches all day and I'm a little

tired. But I guess you want me to say a few words.

The drinks are on Junior Potter!

Those weren't words! Now act like you got millions.

Sign the checks like your Pa used to. And remember your not a mouse, your a man!

You peeked!

Give this millionaire something that'll put hair on his chest.

I've got hair on my chest. Give me something that will part it in the middle!

What'll you have? I'll have a "Horse's Neck".

How about you? No use killing two horses?

Your father's favorite drink. One Paleface special, coming up!

You having a straight celery tonic?

Aren't you glad you wrote that letter to Santa?

Did you think of anything yet?

I'll say. She's really got it. She's got what?

I don't know, but if we can be bottled it, we could make a fortune!

Bury this kid, he's dead!

What's the matter? Don't you like girls?

I'll stick to horses, mister. Horses!

Horses?

Horses! That's ridiculous!

That's the boss of this place! She's rich. Rich?

You mean she's got money too?

She's got pubs around California. She's not

so bad around North and South Dakota either.

How about "California Rose"? "Cloud in my Valley of Sunshine"!

"Am I in love"! Hold it fellas, one at a time! Let's have "Buttons and Bows".

That's a favorite song of my wealthy daddy, Paleface Potter. Melancholy Baby!

What would you like, Mr. Potter?

What would I like? Can't we discuss the matter in a nice quiet place?

Like the cellar of my hotel?

Or maybe you'd like to take a stroll through the rock quarry?

You see, at college I majored in geology and

anthropology and running out of gas in Bunkerhill.

What's your name, honey? My friends call me Mike.

That's a pretty masculine handle for such a

feminine pot of goodies. Mind if I take pot luck?

Maybe the girl don't want to be bothered. Sir, I resent this intrusion!

You have the nerve, the audacity the guts!

Pardonne-moi, ma'am. You have the guts to interrupt.

Again, pardonne-moi ma'am. Now, vamoose!

Now let's see. Where were we? Put that gun away!

Yah. Let that be the thought for the day. I otta blowout his yellow liver!

Blowout my liver? You'd mess up the onions. Put it away! You heard her!

Give me back my yellow liver, it matches my spine.

You know I don't believe in shooting. Someday you'll be sorry your so tender-hearted.

Tender heart never won tender liver. I always say.

I guess I was pretty stern with him! How about that deal in the cellar...

Excuse me, ma'am...

Your excused. I'm talking to the lady. Who do you think I'm talking to, a duck?

Just a minute! Let the man talk. We don't need him. Yes.

I happen to know the song the stranger requested.

Would you like to sing it? Fine, fine!

Here we go!

What do you got in your pockets?

Excuse me.

Well, let's have it!

Here's mud in my throat!

Put a head on it!

Yes? Sorry!

Who's there? It's Junior Potter, boy millionaire. Can I come in?

I'm taking a bath! Can you come out? I mean when you're through taking a bath.

I'd to take for a little spin in my horseless carriage.

We can park in some nice dark spot and I can show you the luminous dial on my watch.

I mean, we could palaver and sort of figure out

the best way to lavish my rich daddy's fortune on you.

Well I'd love to talk about your daddy's gold.

But don't get the idea I'm mercenary. I like you for yourself Junior.

The way you look. I think you're the handsomest man in the world!

I wouldn't say that, but I appreciate your honesty.

Now that I know how you feel about me, I wanna releave

your mind and tell you I'm not going to play hard to get.

Before you know it you'll be kissing me full on my soft, warm, red lips.

Oh how I envy her!

I'd be very happy to take a ride with you Junior. As soon as I get out of the tub.

Out of the tub? Really?

You should have heard that line.

No. No I couldn't do it! It wouldn't be fair! I'd be a cad!

Besides, my eyeball might get stuck.

Look let's go! My car is parked down at the

livery stable. I'll meet you there at midnight.

You run along now, Junior. Oh no, I wouldn't

think of leaving you unprotected like this. You being in the water

A couple of Annapolis men might come along, and you

know how those sailors are. Anchors away and all that!

I'll stand right here and guard your door. Little lady!

Hup two three four.

Yes? Good bye!

You got no time for romance, boy!

You got to think! I've been doing plenty of thinking.

I didn't go to college 14 years for nothing! I've got it all figured out.

It just so happens, the richest girl in town is crazy about me. You mean Mike?

By tomorrow she will be Mrs Mike Potter.

Don't you get it? I marry her. This is California. Community property.

I divide her money. With my half, I'll pay my stingy old daddy's bills.

The rest is gravey. But we'll have that woman on our hands!

Please, keep your hands out of my gravey!

Now if you give me your word you'll take a bath, you can be my best man.

Well, here we go!

Where is it?

Open them up wide Ebe. I going to wiz on to fame and fortune. Crazy...

Hey Junior!

So long Ebe! Say you've grown in the last few minutes. I ain't growed.

They took your tires boy. to keep you from getting out of town. Took my tires?

How dare they? Don't they realize I'm a Harvard

man and my gravey is getting cold. Where are they?

My tires! My tires! Where are they?

They're up there Junior, chained to the rafters.

How do you like that? Now I have to cancel my date until tomorrow night.

It's not human for a girl to wait 24 hours, even for me!

Why you four legged glue pot!

I hope all your children have fat mounted policemen on them!

I was only joking! No sense of humour, get out.

Manager! Where's the manager? Don't get up madam, I just came in to use your window.

Looks like your plans are working out, Roy. I need help, governor. Anything I can do.

Alright. Start those gold shipments moving again tonight. Tonight?

Oh, that's dangerous Roy until you get your man. Man?

There's romance is in the air Govener. I figured it's about time I got myself a gal.

Wow wee. Live a little, that's my motto.

Oh, you want a tintype of a fabulous millionaire huh? Well, go right ahead!

Come, come boy! Let's not waste any time! Who do you think you are, Cecil B. DeMille?

Somebody call me?

Well you could have fooled me!

Watch the little birdie! Ready, boy? Oh ready, master.

Watch the birdie! Oh dear!

What a dirty birdie!

Yahoo! Get along little doggie. Mosey, sashay, a mode de jour bunkhouse.

Man, in this outfit I'll have her paying for

the marriage licence out of her own pocket!

Don't be too sure.

Don't forget this is the West, Where men are men.

That's what she likes about me. I'm a novelty.

Sorry, partner!

I gotta be careful, if I break my fingers I

have to slice the wedding cake with my nose.

Watch your step, Junior!

That's her horse is in the second stall. I'll keep her busy.

When get through, give me a signal. Right. I'll file a mark on the shoe.

The gold will be moving through Snake Canyon at

9.00 o'clock. It's almost 8. You haven't much time.

I thought you said your date was with a dude. It is.

I don't like my gal getting friendly with other men.

I told you what to do.

Well, do it!

I'd like to reward you for your serenade mister.

You know there isn't another man in all these parts,

could buy my lips for any amount money!

Hey, cowhand, if your not going to buy, please don't handle the merchadise!

You're late. I didn't think you were coming, Junior.

Thanks kindly for the rose, Miss.

Where I hail from, we don't cotton to folks what cotton other

folk's gal, that don't cotton to folks that cotton to them.

That's cotton talk, see.

I apologize mister. Well you do?

Well then beat it! The whole kit and kaboodle of you. That's kaboodle talk.

I love coffee, I love cream. Here comes the captian of the team! Yahoo

Help! Where are you? Up here, Junior. Don't go away, I'll be right there.

Why don't you come over here?

I just met a bee that wants to tell us about birds.

I didn't aim to be late but I was busy.

I was sashaying my mavericks and ran them astray

buckboards until I was plum horned swaggled.

By the time I got to my car some plumber done swaggled my horse. Well, cozy!

Okay, gal! Get lucky!

Now take it easy Mr. Potter! We have the whole night ahead of us.

The whole night? Well I gotta work fast honey!

Now wait a minute! Come over here.

Sit down and I'll go and mix you a cocktail.

Don't go, gal! But the shaker is in the other room.

Ok, shake it here, I want to watch.

Do you mind if I smoke?

I kinda like to keep my lips busy while you're gone.

Ah music! Music and a big yellow moon moseying in betwixt of clouds.

There's nothing like music and a big yellow moon!

To keep a bit of hankering for the bunkhouse doing the sagebrush ooh-la-la.

To us! Yes, may we both stay as beautiful as we are tonight.

To the future and very wealthy Mrs. Potter.

Let's dance, gal! I'm aiming to sharpen my spurs with some fancy footwork.

I'd love to dance with my future husband. I'll lead.

One two three four. One two three...

You alright?

Come on! Wake up! No, no more for me. I'm driving!

C'mon honey, wake up! What?

You're standing on my toes! Oh I am? Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh my, it's nine o'clock! Nine o'clock already?

We've been dancing for an hour, darling.

You must have been in a daze ever since I kissed you.

You kissed me? I don't even remember you kissing me.

You don't? No. Here, let me refresh your memory.

How do you know she's going to marry you? You can't trust a woman.

I tell you, you wanna be thinking! Leave me alone, I'm tired.

Dancing all night! Sure you're tired.

What am I supposed do? Sing you a lullaby? Yes, sing me a lullaby.

Nice sweet lullaby. Like my daddy used to sing.

Every night my daddy used to sing...

Lullaby?

That is it!

That's it! Say Ebe. Ebe. Ebe!

Wake up! Ebe. Ebe, listen!

Rock-a-bye-baby on the tree top.

When the chest falls the bottom will drop.

Don't you get it? That's the way my daddy used to sing it to me...

The chest must have a secret bottom! What?

Don't you listen? Rock-a-bye-baby on the tree top.

When the chest falls the bottom will drop.

Ebe! Ebe! Wake up! We're rich! The gold must be there!

Nothing in the world can stop me now. With this money I can live!

Our hunter was right! Look at this!

It's a marked shoe. I'd like to see her talk her way out of this!

Gravel! We made a very profitable raid last night.

Somebodys wise to us! But who? We gotta find out before they move in.

Boss, we just saw the guitar player. He trailed your horse.

The shoe was marked!

The guitar player! A Fed!

The guy you got sweet on! You and your plans!

My plans included an alibi.

My horse might have been there, but my educated fiance will prove...

that I was in his arms at nine o'clock last night. We're in the clear.

Mike, your on! Alright!

I'll meet you at the bridge as soon as I collect my alibi's tidy little fortune.

Guitar player!

My good friends!

Have no fear!

I will pay...

my dear daddy's bills.

Ya? Duck, oops! Duck.

Who's there? Ebeneeze! Come in!

Welcome! Why go through life with your head in the same shape all the time?

Where have you been? I've been getting the lead. Lead, what for?

Well you can't lug an empty chest out of a bank. They get wise to you.

You gotta make look like it's heavy, full of gold.

Until we can investigate your pa's secret bottom.

But they'll see carrying all that stuff to the bank. Nobody

will see nothing. If'n you hide the lead in your pants.

Lead in my pants? Well that's undignified for a Harvard man. Nothin doing!

You suggest that once more and you'll find out the true color of my blood...

Is yellow. Okay here, hide the lead.

Careful now! What did you put in there, a battleship?

Hold up! Let me talk!

I tell you, you got the boy all wrong.

He's going over to get his money and count it out!

You'll all be paid.

Here he comes now!

Tilt!

You'll get paid tonight folks. I'm loaded. Boy am I loaded!

Take it easy, son!

Junior! Don't leave me!

Where did everybody go? Oops! I'm eating too many raisins, I'm breaking out in iron.

I'll get it. Ok, fine! I'll get it.

Ahh, that's better. That's swell!

Good afternoon, Miss Mike. Good afternoon.

Nice white horse you got there.

Yes, I just got him in time to take me my wedding with Mr. Potter.

I had a brown horse you know but somebody stole him last night.

Shame! I liked him alot.

You like animals, eh? Then it's only humans you have a beef against?

I find that animals mind their own business.

Then if you don't like humans. Why are you getting married?

Oh, I'm not marrying a human. I'm marring Mr. Potter.

I found out last night.

That when it comes to love Mr. Potter's an animal, a ball of fire!

What did you do? Light a torch under him?

You figured everything out think haven't you Mr. Federal man?

Federal man? Why Miss Mike, you got me all wrong.

See, I'm just a wondering minstrel.

Come on Mike! We'll let you try on the bridal suite for size.

You got no case, Roy. She has a perfect alibi for last night.

You just keep her in there sheriff.

I'll break her perfect alibi.

Sounds hollow but how do you get to it? Your pa hid something, he really hid it.

Ya, I remember once my aunt said he hid in a broom closet for 2 weeks.

Of course my mom didn't know the maid was in there with him.

A the gentle rapping of a woman. Mike!

Oh you darling! Soon I will have all your money!

Bye darling! Open up or I'll break this door to smithereens!

Junior, look here! It's in your pa's handwriting!

It says "To my young idiot son, Junior and my old idiot partner Ebeneezer Hawkins".

From Paleface. He spells idiot with two "Ts"!

Hold 'em off, Junior! Hold 'em off. You always do the dirty work, don't you?

Gold hidden in the hotel in Sterling City.

Junior the gold is here! We're rich! I found it! We're rich!

Let's see it! We're rich. We're rich. We're rich. We're rich. We're rich.

Check your main spring! Let me see that will ya. No, no!

You might tell someone where the gold's hid. Me? But I won't...!

Nobody will see it! Hey, wait a minute!

We are rich! We are rich! We're rich. We're rich.

Well come in! It was kinda chilly and we just burning some old money.

It's empty!

That ain't gold. "Ain't" is vulgarism frowned upon in polite circles.

Since "Isn't" is the contraction of "is not".

Remember the verb motifier rule "I nay sanctorus regalorum".

Which means. "You ain't laying your dirty paws on me fat boy!"

If anything happens to me boy, you'll never know where the gold is.

They'll contact me in Sterling City! Take a message from the spirit world!

Out of the way! Out of the way!

To the hotel!

I've got to get to Sterling City!

Wups. Forgot no tires.

Sterling City, here I come!

Why he's headed for the desert Roy.

Ya, he's our one chance to keep the Torch behind bars.

We gotta get to him before the buzzards do!

Ahh, this is great!

Fine time to conk out on me you, you mechanical rat!

Just when the gold is within my reach!

I otta pull the hair out of your seat by the roots!

Hey, Martin and Lewis! No hitchhikers please, it's a state law!

Get off!

Alright, alright. Remember no smooching in the balcony!

Two days! He must be crazy with the heat by now. You never can tell!

This heat might tend to make him sane.

Stop staring at the menu! You think I'm a buzzard burger, your mad.

The heats getting me I tell you, the heat!

It's that desert madness. That's what they call it.

You getting kinda dizzy? Sure, sure that's the first sign.

It's usually accompanied by a ringing in the ears.

Excuse me. Helloooo!

Who? Cambridge 823? No, Penelope, not now. No no.

I'd like to, but I'm taking a shower with a couple of friends.

Thirsty, aren't you? You want water huh? Stare! Go ahead, stare!

You'd die for water!

Water! Water!

It's only a mirage. You thought I'd be fooled, didn't you?

I know when it's a mirage when I see one. I'm a college man!

Who said you had to dress for dinner?

Don't shake your head to me in that tone of voice!

Ask them if they saw a white man go by.

I was peaches, I was cream. I was captain of the team.

STERLING CITY

Hey Ebe! Where are you?

Here I am Ebe, it's Junior!

How charming! Looks like a Yale dormitory!

Water!

I can't drink that, the glass is cracked.

Fine hotel, hot and cold running dirt.

Hey Ebe! Ebe, are you still here? Or did you find the money?

First mirror I've ever seen with a hangover!

Oh hi Ebe! Say I've been looking for you.

Did you cut yourself shaving or did you have a high tooth pulled?

Ebe! Ebe! Ebe! Wake up! Wake up!

He's dead, Junior. Dead?

It seems that way. I wonder who did it?

Why did you kill him? You fool!

It was his own fault. He wouldn't tell me where the gold was hidden.

When I get out of here... When you get out of here,

the boys and me will be long way off.

You ain't making no plans, no more Mike!

Why don't you start being honest Potter! Your going to hang for killing Hawkins.

So you might as well come clean.

Where was the girl that night about 9 o'clock?

I told you. I told you!

We were dancing! Come on Potter we haven't

got much time, so start talking and start fast!

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

Listen Doc, I'll stay here until I break him down. You report to the governor.

Well is it alright? He might get away in his car?

Not a chance, I hid the crank.

And he can't get away on Trigger because Trigger

is a one man horse and nobody can ride him but me.

Woh woh! Where are you going?

Down, down! Stay on your feet!

Where do you think you're going?

You can't go upstairs, you're not registered!

Hey, what's the idea?

Mike, you know I love you. I loved you ever since I first time saw you Mike.

Leave those covers where they are!

Lay off the covers I tell you!

Do you want me to steal your teeth?

We can do this all night if one of us doesn't give up.

Did you see the governor?

I never got that far Roy. The Torch broke out of jail last night.

She'll be heading for Potter. If she gets there first well never break her alibi.

Hey honey, here I am! I'll meet you in the lobby, third cobweb from the left.

Boy am I happy to to see you!

Hey Mike darling. You came here to save me, huh?

Save you? Who from? From the horse lover. Old saddle soap britches.

He's been keeping me prisoner. He's been trying

to get me to say I wasn't with you that night.

Where is he? I don't know but he'll be back. We gotta get out of here.

They've they been abusing my baby?

I hate to tell you who I slept with last night.

Those cold hoofs in my back... We'd better go!

This is a nice and quiet place, let's stay here awhile.

Quiet? You can get a room with an adjoining hole in your head.

I'll be right down. This could be our honeymoon hotel. Honeymoon...

You mean our honeymoon? Yours and mine.

Without a preacher? Why I asked a preacher to meet us here.

Oh boy! I know this is going to be a happy marriage because...

You're a woman, and I'm a man, and those are

the people that usually get married. Mike...

As soon as you get rid of those whiskers.

That'll be easy, I used to pluck turkeys at a Boston market.

Don't go away, I'll get dressed.

I gotta go and freshen up Junior, but you're a dear.

Your an antelope. Later on we'll go out the range and play.

Where's Mike?

Right behind you! Boy what a wife!

You'll be great when it comes time to chop the wood!

Put him in the chair. He don't need a haircut, just trim his up a little.

Put him in the chair! Yes Madam!

Say. What are you going to do? Get around behind him and hold him.

That's right, tie him up so he won't bother us.

It's going to be real fun honeymooning in Niagara Falls!

My daddy spent a whole week there in his honeymoon.

Laughing, loving, drinking champagne.

He had so much fun there, he kinda wished mother could have been with him!

You'll love it there! You can see the sights and take a shower at the same time.

Hey, he's not tied tight enough, I can still move one of my arms.

Which one? This one here, see?

Ah, that's it! Now I couldn't get out even if I tried. I couldn't?

Hey honey, what am I a wedding present? Look, I'm gift wrapped! Shut up!

Shut up? You can't talk like that to me until after we're married.

She's not going to be marrying anybody.

She's going to kill us both. Not me, that'll would be silly!

Besides it would take a little of the kick out of my honeymoon.

You're not so smart, Mr Federal man.

I don't have to kill you either one of you gentlemen. They'll do it.

They're coming to get the Harvard man, but they'll get you too. So long gents!

Just a minute, Miss Delroy!

So you found out my real name too.

Yes, and I found out your father was swindled out of his fortune by old Paleface.

Mike. The governor knows an injustice was done you.

You haven't killed anyone yet. So why start now.

I'll do all I can to get you off with a short sentence.

How do I know you're telling the truth about the short sentence mister?

You'll just have to believe me.

We'll talk about that later. I'll stop the Indians before it's too late.

Son of Paleface, there!

Alright, don't stop, I'm beginning to like it.

I must have been crazy!

All my life I'm going around knocking on doors with my hands.

When Trigger sees the spot we're in, he'll get us out. He's got horse sense.

If he had sense, he wouldn't be a horse!

Help! Help! Let me down! My nose will bleed!

Close the door. Were you brought up in a barn?

Trigger, the knot. Untie the knot! Hurry up!

They're coming! Stop tasting it! Bite it!

Fine government agent you are. No guns.

You think you'd be ready for a situation like this?

As a citizen and taxpayer almost I...

Gee dad! It's a Winchester!

Boy, if you had a bass fiddle, we could could hold this fort all winter!

There's too many of them.

I can't fight them off alone. Ah, force yourself.

I'll get you a gun. I'm with right you boy. Don't stand there, get something!

There's your gun! Go get it! No dice! What?

That means "Me go out there?" There's another gun.

Listen, just how big a coward are you? I was the captain of the Olympic team.

Hey, the kid with the beach blonde tail isn't doing anything.

How about him going to get it?

Your dad would sure be ashamed of you. I certainly am!

Pa! Daddy! It's me! Your own flesh and idiot.

Don't shame the name of Potter! Go get that gun!

Oh, but those Indians? It's hot out there!

It's hotter where I come from!

This "H" don't stand for Harvard, son. Now get out there!

Ya, but I'll get killed and I'll be dead like you! You think that's bad?

You all whistling for me, honeychild? She's from the south end of the furnace.

She's got a younger sister. Free, red and twenty-one.

I'll get the gun! I thought you afraid to die? Not anymore!

One side boy, I'm taking over!

You sure fooled me Junior. That was really shooting! Ya, I've been around!

We haven't got a chance just the two of us. Three of us.

You sure stopped those Indians. Well, I'll stop a couple right now!

Listen, Junior and I will try to hold them off.

You ride into Sawbuck Pass and tell Doc Lovejoy to send out the cavalry.

They shot my horse out from under me! You drive her, Junior. You stole my crank!

I hid it under your seat. No wonder I had trouble walking! Come on Mike!

Hey look! The moose got shot in his jackpot!

It's gold! It's my daddy's gold! That's where he hid it!

C'mon! Wait. We'll need some for our marriage license.

Ho Paleface, take off!

Junior, look!

Beat it or your going to make the whole thing unbelievable.

Hand me that bag! What? The bag, in the back seat.

Hey Junior!

There's your wheel! Come back!

Go get my wheel, I'll hold that. Here!

If we lose three more wheels, we'll have to think of something.

Hurry up! Hurry up! This is impossible!

I'm going to town. You keep them following you.

I'll go to town. You keep them following you!

Junior we're stuck! Get out and do something!

I'll get out, but I guarantee nothing.

The Indians are coming! Get in front and pull!

Pull, it's a nice thing to say to Harvard man!

We're moving! We're moving! Either that or the scenery's slipping.

Junior, I don't know how to drive this thing!

Where are ya? I'm down here checking the oil.

Hey Junior, there's a big rock in the road ahead!

Don't hit it or we'll loose two rear ends.

Hey! We've got a hitchhiker down here!

Bring the gold upstairs and hurry up!

Get the wagon! Need any help?

Back to the bridge!

Junior!

You're going back the same way!

Alright alright! I'll marry you!

Junior!

Happy day for you hey Junior? Your wife getting out.

Yes, she finally served her sentence.

I'm taking her back to Boston.

You've sure been a faithfull husband waiting all these years.

It wasn't so bad. After all I saw Mike on visiting days.

But you know, it wasn't any fun talking to the woman

you love through a wire screen. Well here she is now!

Yours? Let's see them top this on television!