Original subtitles

(Enchanting music)

(bright instrumental music)

(plane engines roaring)

- [Officer] Tuck in your lights please,

exercise is starting.

(siren blaring)

Lower your lights please.

Exercise is starting.

(plane engines roaring)

Plane's high and slow, 40 degrees right.

- [Soldier] Planes high and slow, 40 degree right, on sir.

(plane engine roaring)

- Gas!

(chattering)

- Hey, mind the suppers.

- Excellent, most efficient,

straight to the gas treatment.

No, hall left over there.

Malden Avenue fully darkened.

- [Assistant] Malden Avenue fully darkened.

- Splendid, straight through for first aid.

Now, there's only the report on Brokey Row

and we're complete.

If I may say so Mr. Mayor this is by far

the most efficient bunch of candidates

I've examined in the district.

- In the borough of Frogley--

(loud crash)

- Brokey Row, okedoke!

- Where's your gas mask?

- They only gave me one.

- Orderly.

Take off your gas masks everybody.

Sound the all clear and pass the message

to the aircraft that the practise is competed.

- Yes, sir. - Fall in the candidates.

I shall now ask his worship the Mayor

to present you with your certificate,

after which you will be fitted for your uniforms.

I shan't need you.

- What?

- You're not the right type.

- Well, do you you mean I don't get a uniform?

- Certainly not.

- I've brought me case to take it home with me.

- This job calls for men who can set an example.

- Yeah, but (stammers)

- Please Mr. Brown, can't you see we're busy?

- Well...

Come on, Scruffy.

- Now men, I want you to realise the importance

of the positions you will hold as air raid wardens.

The uniform you will wear--

(distant plane engine roaring)

- Hello Bluebottle, hello Bluebottle?

Microbe calling Bluebottle.

Hello Bluebottle?

Microbe calling Bluebottle.

Air raid precaution exercise is completed.

Over to you, Bluebottle.

Over.

- Your message received okay.

Will remain on transmission with you

while aircraft return to base.

Over to you.

- What do you want?

Turned out nice again, hasn't it?

- Who are you?

- George, George Brown.

Nice set you've got, I bet you can get anywhere with that.

- If I wanted to.

At present all I'm interested in

is keeping in touch with the aircraft.

- Do you mind breaking the left

of those two switches for me?

- I don't break anything.

- No, I mean pull the lever.

- Oh.

- No, no, not that one, I said the left.

That would've gone and fused the whole outfit.

- But it's me left and right, I get mixed up with them,

it's daft, isn't it?

- Now I'm going over to report.

Do you mind staying here a few minutes?

- Want me to look after this for you?

- Yes, if any messages come in for me

report to me at once.

- 1 will, yes.

- [Operator] And don't mess about

with any of them switches.

- [George] Switches? - Them switches.

- Which is them switches?

(grunts)

- Hello Microbe, we're at 8000 feet.

Perishing cold and I'm bored stiff.

What about putting on a hot gramophone record

to cheer me up?

- Put a record?

- Over to you.

(ukulele music)

♪ I have a simple nature ♪

♪ Some folks think I'm dense ♪

♪ They think I'm slow ♪

♪ But I can show that I've got common sense ♪

♪ We come from monkeys, yes alas ♪

♪ Some say we've reached a lower class ♪

♪ But each time I look in the glass they can't fool me ♪

♪ At hunt the button full I get ♪

♪ Some girls are very cute ♪

♪ And yet I find it every time, you bet ♪

♪ They can't fool me ♪

♪ I'm no wise guy, still I get along ♪

♪ I may not know my left from right ♪

♪ But I do know right from wrong ♪

♪ To old mates sit in flat ♪

♪ Since last night there's been a rat ♪

♪ I said give him his coat and hat ♪

♪ You can't fool me ♪

♪ My pal puts violet in his bath ♪

♪ Violet that makes me laugh ♪

♪ I found where Violet lives ♪

♪ Now that I have, they can't fool me ♪

♪ He giggles when he hugs her tight ♪

♪ When she's kissed she laughs outright ♪

♪ She had convulsions late last night ♪

♪ They can't fool me ♪

♪ I'm no wise guy, still I get along ♪

♪ I may not know my left from right ♪

♪ But I do know right from wrong ♪

♪ There's a baby born they say ♪

♪ Every clock ticks that's okay ♪

♪ I bought a sundial yesterday ♪

♪ They can't fool me ♪

(banjo music)

♪ 1 bought a house the terms I find ♪

♪ Weekly payments three and nine ♪

♪ In 100 years the house is mine ♪

♪ They can't fool me ♪

♪ Every night a girl named Joyce ♪

♪ Walks for miles but not for joy ♪

♪ She rides home in a swell Rolls Royce ♪

♪ They can't fool me ♪

♪ I'm no wise guy, still I get along ♪

♪ I may not know my left from right ♪

♪ But I do know right from wrong ♪

♪ To France a honeymooning pair ♪

♪ Went to see what it's like there ♪

♪ But it's not different anywhere ♪

♪ They can't fool me ♪

Did you enjoy that Bluebottle?

- That's a swell record, I must get it.

What's his number?

(yells)

Hey!

Oh mother, what'll i do now?

It's coming, Scruffy, it's coming.

One.

Two.

Three.

I've done it.

- You're a fine sort of brother,

it's the wrong one.

- In a way it's the right one, look.

- But the right one's the wrong one, I said the left.

- Right, left?

Oh, I've gone and got myself mixed up again.

(hooter honks)

- Bob!

- Hello, Anne, darling.

- What are you doing here?

- Just been delivering some letters to Sir Phillip Bargrave.

- The Sir Phillip?

- Yes.

(clears throat)

Hello George. - Turned out nice, hasn't it?

By gum, it's a nice bike you've got,

I bet it can go.

- It certainly can.

Would you like to put it in the shed for me?

- Can 1? - Hmm, of course.

- Thanks.

- Well, listen Anne,

do you mind if I change my clothes

and leave them here for a day or two?

- Well of course, but why?

- Well, I got three days leave before I join

the Aerodrome in Glenridge.

- Glenridge?

- For a weeks training,

at least that's they said.

Actually it's an excuse for us headquarters blokes

to show them what's what.

I'll be able to pop over and see you every evening.

- You will? - Hmm-mm.

But now I got to catch a train to Cornwall.

Oh, I'm sorry, Anne, but it must be done.

You know I haven't seen mum and dad for nearly a year.

It'll be the last chance I'll have before we get married.

- Of course you must.

Come along, darling, hurry or you'll miss the bus.

(honks hooter)

- Any sign of the bus yet?

- No, not yet.

- [Bob] Come and give me a hand or I'll miss it.

- All right.

(hooter honks)

Here I am, Bob.

- Give me that tie.

You might fold that uniform before it gets creased.

- I know, it's grand, isn't it?

I'd like one like that.

- It's easy.

Join up.

- I've tried, they won't have me.

- Chest?

- No, it's me hands, I'll get mixed up

with me right and left, I never know which is which.

- [Anne] Quick, Bob, the bus!

- All right, coming.

- My tunic, George, forgot my leave ticket.

That's it.

So long.

- Bye-bye.

- It's all right, I'll catch it.

Goodbye, darling.

- Goodbye. - Take care of yourself.

- George I don't like it, I'm sure there's a better way.

- But I feel grand in these clothes.

- But it's a serious crime

to where a uniform you're not entitled to.

- It's not as serious as Bob forgetting that letter,

you don't want him to get into trouble, do you?

Hey, Scruffy, you can't come.

Now you be a good dog and stay with Anne,

'cause I've got some work to do now.

- Well, goodbye.

- You're really going?

- Of course I'm going.

If I do a thing, I do it properly.

- Then you might as well take the letter.

- Oh, good idea.

(bike engine revving)

(dog barking)

- I think I can manage Thursday.

- Then I'll have the machine flown down by 10 o'clock, sir.

- Sherry?

- Thank you, sir.

Good health.

- Well, what do you think of it?

- Well, if it's all that they claim,

the same weight and nearly twice the horsepower.

- I'm alluding to the sherry.

- That's funny as I was alluding to the...

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Good health.

(engine revving)

There's my car, sir.

(hooter honks)

- Dull work, hey?

- No.

- Well, I mean compared to the life I lead.

- Flowers are more interesting than telegrams.

- Telegrams, I'm not a telegraph boy,

I'm an airman.

- An airman?

- Certainly.

- I could do with an hair cut.

- Ooh, hello, come back to tell us some more?

- Some more?

- Sorry, I though you were the dispatch rider

who was here just now.

- Oh no, no.

- Oh, he didn't half tell us some thrilling stories.

- Oh, I bet he did.

- Bet you've had some close shaves in the air too?

- Well, closer than I care to think about.

- Well, think of the best, I'll be back in a minute.

- Now sir, about your reception, official or--

- Oh no, no, no, quite informal,

- A dispatch rider has just brought this, sir.

- Thank you.

Perhaps a guard and a band to receive me.

- For certain, sir.

- And I expect the men would prefer

to wear their best uniforms. - Yes, sir.

- But otherwise quite informal.

- Quite.

Would you mind if your dispatch rider drop me

at the Aerodrome? - Certainly not.

- Thank you, then Thursday at 10.

- There I was, the aeroplane on fire,

not just smouldering, flames everywhere.

- What did you do?

- I jumped of course.

When I jumped, I remembered I'd forgotten me parachute.

- Forgotten it? - Yes.

I put out me left hand.

- Oh that's the right.

- Sorry, me left, grabbed the side of the aeroplane

and climbed in again.

- You did? - Yes.

- After that the aeroplane went over and over,

the parachute fell out,

I dived after it and then what do you think happened?

- What?

- Nothing sir, nothing sir.

Good afternoon, sir.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- I've got to get home, sir.

- You've got to take me to Glenridge Aerodrome.

- But I've got to go back to headquarters, sir.

- After you've dropped me.

- But I don't know the way, sir.

- I'll show you the way.

- Now come on, quick, I'm in a hurry.

(bike revving)

(yells)

Go right.

I said to the right.

- [George] Sorry sir.

(dog barking)

(hooter honks)

- Don't mind me.

- Very good, sir.

(panicky yells)

- This is the last straw.

- No sir, there's two more in your hat.

(bike revving)

(car hooting)

- Trying to scare me, hey?

- No sir.

- I know who you are.

- I'm a dispatch rider, sir.

- You're one of those daredevils

that does stunts in Olympia.

- Yes sir.

- But it takes more than a dispatch rider

to frighten me, I think.

- Yes sir.

(bike revving)

Turned out nicely, hasn't it, sir?

- Look what you've done?

- Not me, the hen, sir.

(bike revving)

- Where the blazes are you going?

- It's shorter this way, sir.

- Quite.

(bike engine roaring)

- I thought we were going to be hurled

into eternity then, sir.

- You take me through any more water

you'll be thrown in a cell.

- Yes sir.

(panicky gasp)

- What's the matter?

- You'll find out in a minute.

- What?

Whoa!

- [George] Look out!

- Hey stop!

(indistinct command)

- [Platoon Commander] Eyes right!

Eyes front!

- One minute, I've got some letters for headquarters,

you better take them, it's quicker than by post.

- Well it might not be, sir, you see--

- If you take them half as fast as you brought me here,

the letters will be there before they're written.

- Yes, but (stammers)

- They'll be ready in half an hour.

- Half an hour, have I got to wait here half an hour?

- Why certainly.

- Put your motorcycle outside the garage.

(stammers)

- Now come along, come along.

- Now put a jerk in it.

- Yes sir.

(bike revving)

- Mr. Phillip decided when he's coming, sir?

- Yes, Thursday, warn the Sergeant Major.

- Very good then.

(plane engines roaring)

(ukulele chords)

- See, if you put your--

- Why the blazes don't you knock before coming in?

Can't you read? - I thought--

- Well, you're no right to think.

- Well I was only trying to help,

if you'll take the neck of the--

- I'll take you by the neck, get out!

- Well, you know, I was only trying--

- [Sergeant Major] Get out!

Third finger indeed.

Third...

- Excuse me?

It's that third finger, keep it to the outside.

- Get away, will you!

(laughs)

- You wait, Craig, I'll get even with you.

- You'll have to get up mighty early.

Coming to the pictures this evening, Peggy?

- I'm sorry I can't, I'm on duty at the canteen.

Now if you've asked me last night.

- But how could 1?

I was night flying that ARP exercise.

- Oh nevermind, there'll be lots more chances.

- Ah, you bet.

Hello, who's that?

- Oh, a dispatch rider from headquarters,

arrived just now with the C.O.

- Headquarters hey?

Here, fill that up.

This is where we have some fun.

Hi, hello there.

Come and join us.

What about a coffee?

- [George] No thanks.

- From headquarters, aren't you?

- Yes, that's right, headquarters.

Turned out nice again, hasn't it?

- Hello.

- You know, it'll be fine if it doesn't rain.

- Would you like a bun?

- Oh, no thank you.

- I'll bet it's as good as any you get at headquarters.

- Yeah.

- Oh, go on.

- It was made by her own sweet, little hands.

- Well in that case.

Thanks.

(laughs)

- Seven Brokey Row, Frogley.

You better keep him here.

Send him a note telling him where he is.

- Right, Sergeant.

- You must have our little joke.

- Oh, you're welcome.

- Here, try this, it's bigger.

- Oh, thank you.

- Hey, you're welcome.

(laughs)

All right now?

- Yes, thanks.

(whistle blows)

- Well, so long pal. - So long.

Try it on them at headquarters, it'll be a yell.

- It always was.

- Well, so long, Peggy.

See you later. - So long.

- So long, friend. - Ta-da.

- That's new, isn't it?

- Do you like it?

- I say I do.

- Can I tell you what I think about it?

- Don't bother.

- Well I'll be getting back to headquarters.

- Drop me a line next time you're coming around.

- Yes, I will.

- We'll have some more gags ready for you.

- I'm a bit of a one at gags myself.

Goodbye.

- Well, I must say, you asked for it.

Oh, well it's about time

some of these headquartered nitwits

were told where they get off.

- Better look out for him,

he may come back with one on you.

- He's got a hope.

Hello daddy, I'm just going down to the farm

to get some eggs.

- Oh.

- Who has been upsetting you?

- One of those new recruits, but don't you worry,

I'm just going to drill them on the parade ground.

- Oh, I must hurry, bye-bye.

(plane engine roars)

(indistinct)

- Fire!

(gunshots firing)

- Hey!

Get away!

Get down! (yells)

(indistinct)

- Hey quick, look at headquarters.

(laughs)

- It's all right now.

- You've got a nerve.

- Oh, it's all right any time I meet you.

- Thought it was a funny way to get even, did you?

- No.

- Well if this is your idea of a joke, it's not mine.

- It's no joke, I--

- Ruining my new frock!

(stammers)

(laughs)

- Hey look, they're laughing at us.

- And here's something else for them to laugh at.

(laughs)

- That'll teach you to get fresh.

- It's nothing to laugh at, you might've killed her.

- Don't you kid me you didn't know they were blanks.

- Blanks? - Blanks!

- Not a bad idea though,

try it myself next time a bird passes.

Class, change!

(gunshots firing)

- Hey you, come here.

- I say, will you look at this boot, I've got a nail in it.

- Yeah, I'll take a look. - Thanks.

- Here, hold that a moment, will you?

- Now listen to me,

that girl that happens to be a particular friend of mine.

- I know, I was--

- Corporal Craig, flight commander wants your logbook.

- Okay.

- Well I-- - Hold there.

- Hey, come here, come here.

- Attention!

(cross talk)

- Blank file, there ought to be 22 in the squad.

- Well, you see sir-- - Don't answer back!

- No, sir.

- [Sergeant Major] Come on, get a move on.

- I'd say you, you'd better take that outside

behind the hanger.

- What, me?

- They're very strict on regulations here.

Rifles near petrol tanks that's all full.

- Oh, you take it.

- Oh, no, no, no, the flight commander wants me.

(stammers)

Look out, here's an officer coming.

Quick, hide through this door.

- No, no, I don't want to go out there.

- Just go on, do it, just do it.

- Company left.

Attention!

Stand at ease.

Where the blazes have you been?

- Me?

- Yes, you!

- Don't hurry though, we'll wait.

- Yeah, but-- - Fall in on the double.

(stammers)

Going duck shooting?

- Me, no, no, no.

- I'll teach you to burst into my office.

- Well I never tried, I was--

- Lower arms, will you?

Turn arms when you come to me!

- I was only going the other way when--

- Holding up a clay like this, see!

And when you address me say sir.

- Sir? - Yes, sir.

- Well sir--

- I'll no answer in my parade here.

Now fall in.

- Fall in what? - Fall in there!

Or I'll have you up before the C.O.

Fall in!

- But I was only--

- Silence in the ranks!

- But why-- - One more word from you!

Attention!

(yells commands)

- And what do I do?

- Pull the bolt out.

- This?

- Thumb over the bolt.

That's better.

What are you trying to do, climb up it?

- No, (stammers)

- This is the way you--

- I've got--

- Put your thumb over the bolt!

- Yes sir.

- Filthy!

Can't see a thing.

- Let's have a look.

- What the blazes do you think you're doing?

I told you to keep your thumb over the bolt.

- Well I have, but it's come off, look.

- Where are you going?

- Oh the parade.

- You stay here for a bit.

- I'll now demonstrate a slope arms.

One pause,

two pause,

three!

Now let's see you do it

and don't forget, throw your rifle up.

Slope!

(grunts)

What the blazes do you think you're doing?

- Well it went and I couldn't--

- Silence!

That's enough for the slope arms.

(yells commands)

I will now demonstrate the ground arms.

On the command arms, grasp the rifle at the low band

and in one smart movement, bending smartly downwards,

lay the rifle on the ground, parallel to the right foot.

Have you watch me carefully.

I'll demonstrate the movement in slow time.

(yells command)

(laughs)

I'll teach you to laugh on parade.

As for you, you'll laugh on the wrong side of your face

before the day's out.

- It went up me nose. - Silence!

I will now demonstrate in slow time the ground arms.

Ground arms!

(laughs)

- Twice, hey.

- I beg your pardon.

- I said, twice hey!

- He put it in my-- - Silence!

You'll come to my office immediately after parade.

I will now demonstrate in slow time the ground arms.

Ground!

- No, you're wrong, you're wrong.

- What the blazes do you think you're doing?

- I didn't do anything, ask him.

- Silence!

- It was you.

- Sergeant Major?

- Yes, sir.

Here.

- How are the new recruits?

- Speaking for 21 of them, sir, I've seen worse.

- And the other one?

- During 30 years service, sir--

- Yes, yes, quite Sergeant Major.

I'll have a look at him.

Now, look at that button.

No good airman ever comes on parade improperly dressed,

hey Sergeant Major?

- No sir.

Smarten yourself up, man!

Look at me.

- Well, which one is it?

- I can't see him, sir.

- What do you mean you can't see him?

- He's gone, sir. - Gone?

A recruit can't disappear of parade.

- This one could do anything, sir.

There he is, sir!

Come here, you!

- He's no recruit.

He's a dispatch rider from headquarters.

- A what, sir?

- He drove me here only a few minutes ago.

- That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Have you got me letters ready, sir?

- All in good time.

- Look, sir!

- Don't look around, sir, but your shirt's hanging out.

- [C.O.] Sergeant Major?

- Present arms!

(bugle music)

- Hello?

Frogley 214, please.

Hello, this is you, is that me?

(trumpet blaring)

Yes I know, but it's passed me bedtime,

the letters haven't arrived yet.

- But George you must wait for them.

If you don't they'll find out about Bob,

he'll be court-martialled.

- All right, don't worry.

I won't let them find out,

but I wish they'd hurry up with them letters.

- Who was it?

- Wrong number, sir.

- Oh. - Ask them to hurry up

with them letter, will you?

- I'll let you know when they're ready.

Now get along to the canteen.

- Yes, sir.

(crowd chattering)

- Oh look, he's still here.

- Hey Romeo!

- Hello. - Hello.

- Have a bun.

- No thanks and I don't want a rifle either.

- All right, all right, all right.

- I'd like to speak to the young lady

I met on the Aerodrome.

- Met, ooh, that's rich.

Peggy, look who's here.

- Ah, if it isn't Mr. Headquarters himself,

the big practical joker.

- Look, I'm sorry I messed up your frock.

I think I lost me head.

- [Peggy] You certainly did.

- [George] Wouldn't you let me apologise?

- [Peggy] Sorry I'm very busy.

(laughs)

- Come out the way, let the lady pass.

- Sorry.

- [Waitress] Was that two coffees or three?

- [Peggy] Two.

(laughs)

- Hey, what's going on here?

- Nothing, nothing, nothing.

- What about a turn at the concert, Craig?

- Me don't feel it.

- Oh why not? - Not in my line.

Ask him, he's full of gags.

- What does he do?

- Oh, sing, dance, play any musical instrument.

- Any musical instrument?

(laughs)

- It might interest you to know,

I have played the ukulele.

- So you can play the ukulele, hey?

- Well a little bit.

- What a pity you won't be here

to show us what you can do.

- I might surprise you if I was.

- Well surprise us now.

The boys would love a song.

- I can't play now.

- What's the matter? - I haven't got a uke--

- Service.

- Listen you fellows,

big shots from headquarters is dying to sing to you.

Any objections? - [Crowd] No, no, no.

- No, I can't sing here.

- Maybe you were just trying to show off?

- Well you've asked for it.

(ukulele music)

♪ Two girls at our house came to stay ♪

♪ To prove that I'm not giving way ♪

♪ I sold the sofa yesterday ♪

♪ They can't fool me ♪

♪ To back a winning horse is fun ♪

♪ In the race said 14 run ♪

♪ I put a bob on every one ♪

♪ They can't fool me ♪

♪ I'm no wise guy ♪

♪ Still 1 get along ♪

♪ I may not know my left from right ♪

♪ But I do know right from wrong ♪

♪ Went to sleep Van Winkle went ♪

♪ He left his wife without a cent ♪

♪ But someone must've paid the rent ♪

♪ They can't fool me ♪

♪ The stork brings newborn babes each week ♪

♪ But I've not seen one so unique ♪

♪ With a black bag hanging from his beak ♪

♪ They can't fool me ♪

♪ My pals all shout for drinks, it's fine ♪

♪ Then at last the shout is mine ♪

♪ But I shout too late, they've shouted time ♪

♪ They can't fool me ♪

- Very good I must say.

- I wrote it myself.

- You did? - Yes.

- Oh come on, sing us some more.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

By the way, where were you last night?

- Headquarters of course.

- A funny thing, but when I was night flying

I heard that very song relayed from Frogley.

- What?

- No, Frogley?

No, you couldn't have--

- And what's more, the voice was a dead spit of yours.

- Leave them alone!

- All right, all right, all right.

Carry on, Microbe.

- Come on, next verse and as many as you like.

Come on. - No, I can't sing anymore,

I've gone shy.

- Go on, you're not shy.

- No, I can't remember any more, I can't sing it.

- Well sing us something else then?

- All right, all right.

- Good fella.

♪ Now there's a Sergeant Major enjoys life while he can ♪

♪ He proves to all the ladies he's a soldier and a man ♪

♪ He sticks out his chest ♪

♪ To pillars in his vest ♪

♪ A boaster under his rotunda ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

♪ His medals break our hearts ♪

♪ He won them playing darts ♪

♪ And while competing, who was cheating ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

♪ He's far away the worst friend we've ever had ♪

♪ When he's far away, well we're mighty glad ♪

♪ In the canteen bar ♪

♪ You know what Sergeants are ♪

♪ When we've passed out, who's the last out ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

♪ He's got a raucous voice ♪

♪ His language isn't choice ♪

♪ He'll clink, we'd shove him ♪

♪ How do we love him ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

♪ His weight about he'll throw ♪

♪ The wicked so and so ♪

♪ Who'd even smother his own mother ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

♪ He's far away the worst friend we've ever had ♪

♪ When he's far away, well we're mighty glad ♪

♪ Have a bugler call his rounds ♪

♪ And when the bugle sounds ♪

♪ For every lasting, who's he blasting ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

(ukulele music)

♪ Now he makes law recruits ♪

♪ Just tremble in their boots ♪

♪ He calls them slackers ♪

♪ Who's gone crackers ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

♪ He's feet fell off the road ♪

♪ Knock-Kneed and pigeon toed ♪

♪ We'd sooner shoot him, then salute him ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

♪ His far away the worst friend we've ever had ♪

♪ When he's far away, well we're mighty glad ♪

♪ The mascot goat be old ♪

♪ So big and fat and grown ♪

♪ Wild in war like it's far more ♪

♪ Like our Sergeant Major ♪

(cheers)

- Silence!

There'll be no encore,

'cause you're coming with me to the guardroom.

And don't answer back!

Right turn!

Right!

Quick march!

- Hello, Scruffy.

Well, well, well, well, well.

- That's your dog? - Yes sir.

- Well I thought you come from headquarters.

- Yes sir.

- Followed you down, I suppose.

- Yes sir, no sir.

That is, you see, sir-- - I don't?

- Well, he used to belong to me,

but I gave him to somebody that lives around here.

He must've heard I was down for the day.

- I'll teach you to be funny.

Come on!

- Yes sir.

(dog barking)

- Hello, old boy.

- What's the address?

- Brokey Row, Frogley.

- That settles it, he's not from headquarters.

- What do you mean?

- Probably not in the Air Force at all.

I'd better let the Sergeant Major know at once.

- Come on.

- Dave, if he's not the Air Force,

he might've thought those were real bullets.

- Yes, that accounts for all sorts of things.

The way he fell for the rifle and the bun.

- But if he believed they were real bullets.

- Oh what a mug, it seems a pity to lose him.

- Please don't daddy tonight.

- Why?

- Well, there might be some mistake.

Let me take the dog in the morning and make sure.

- Perhaps you're right, but in the meantime--

- Peggy, quick, they're shouting for you inside, come on.

- Are you coming? - In a minute.

- Well above the flight commander's head,

Commanding Officer's defaulters tomorrow morning.

- But I can't stop here all night.

- You can and will.

In number three barrack room.

- But what about the letters?

- They'll be posted. - Yeah, but I--

- Number three barrack room!

- I say, I'm sorry he caught you.

- Oh no you're not, you're glad.

- Oh no, you get me wrong.

You know we must have--

- Our little joke, I know.

- But underneath, big-hearted, that's me.

- Well, can you tell me where number three barrack room is?

- Oh yes, it'll be right down the end of that.

- Thanks.

Oh, do you know what happened to that dog?

- Don't worry, he's being sent back

to the address on the collar.

Have you any objections?

- No, no, no, no.

- So wait, wait a minute, did you say number three?

- Number three, yes.

- Oh I'm sorry, I made a mistake.

Number three is just here.

- Yeah, you know, you're lucky,

number three is one of the new ones.

- Is it? - Hmm, I suppose

it's a long time since you were at an RAF station.

- Meaning? - Well I mean,

being out at headquarters

and all that sort of thing. - Oh yes.

- You know, they've made a lot of improvements lately.

- Yeah? - Well here we are.

Here you are.

- Why, it is champion, isn't it?

- Do you like it?

- Do I like it?

(giggles) - Look.

(giggles)

Look, feather pillows and all.

- Oh, that's nothing.

You ought to see barrack room number seven,

I tell you, we look after the boys on this station.

- It looks like it.

- If there anything else you want,

just ask the Sergeant Major.

- He won't be coming here, will he?

- Oh, he'll probably come in and tuck you up.

- Huh, I can see him doing that.

- Oh, he's not as bad as you think.

Actually he's one of the kindest men of the service.

- Oh my.

Look, the bath's all ready.

- As well, didn't I say he was thoughtful?

Make yourself at home. - I will.

- Good night. - Good night.

Oh, just a minute.

Hey, just a minute,

what time do you get up here?

- Don't you worry,

the Sergeant Major will wake you, all right.

- That's a good un.

- I say, don't forget to empty your pockets.

- No, I won't.

Pockets?

Oh!

(door slams)

- And no staying up after you finish duty.

- Okay daddy.

- I must be off now, I told my bathman

to have a bath ready by 10.

- Oh and daddy, don't be too hard

on that dispatch rider,

he didn't mean any harm, he was rather nice really.

- So nice I can hardly wait to see him again.

(water splashing)

(cat meows)

(loud crash)

(door slams)

(gargles)

(gasps)

(gasps)

- Good night daddy.

(snores)

- Slope arms!

(bugle music)

(yells)

(stammers)

- But he's never been inside an Aerodrome before.

- That explains a lot.

- He's been making a fool of himself?

- No, not exactly.

- You will help him, won't you?

Because honestly he only did it to save Bob.

- Don't you worry, I'll see that he gets away all right.

Goodbye, Scruffy.

- [Sergeant Major] A song, which in my opinion, sir,

was both insubordinate and insulting to my dignity.

- Quite, quite.

- What's more, sir, there has since been a further incident.

- Now we hear one charge at a time.

First I'd like to hear the song in question,

have we a ukulele?

- Yes, in my office.

Right turn, quick march.

- Sergeant Major, it seems rather an odd place

to keep a ukulele?

- Just in case you needed it, sir.

- You want me to sing it now, sir?

- Any objections?

- No, no.

- Routine orders for Sir Phillip's visitor.

-[C.O.] Oh yes, yeah, anything else?

- [Adjutant] The draught, sir, for the week's annual training.

- [C.O.] Oh yes, Sergeant Major will attend to that.

- [Adjutant] Very good, sir.

- Sergeant Major, no doubt the prisoner

has more experience with these instruments.

- Yes, sir, right.

- Okay, sir.

- All correct, sir. - All correct, sir.

- Carry on. - Carry on.

- Prisoner, play!

(ukulele music)

♪ How proud of him are we ♪

♪ He's generous as can be ♪

♪ So sentimental, kind and gentle ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major. ♪

♪ He's got a heart of gold ♪

♪ So fearless and so bold ♪

♪ He's like a Samson, strong and handsome ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

♪ He's far away the best friend we've ever had ♪

♪ When he's far away, well we're mighty sad ♪

♪ We praise him 10 the sky ♪

♪ For him we'd gladly die ♪

♪ We all caress him, shout God bless him ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

♪ To us he is so good ♪

♪ Be rough he never could ♪

♪ We never fear him ♪

♪ Always cheer him ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

♪ From fairytales his king ♪

♪ He's held good fairy queen ♪

♪ He's tall and slender ♪

♪ Sweet and tender ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

♪ He's far away the best friend we've ever had ♪

♪ When he's far away, well we're mighty sad ♪

♪ If there should be a war don't worry on that score ♪

♪ Once we're in it, who can win it ♪

♪ Our Sergeant Major ♪

(applause)

- Well, can you see anything wrong with that?

- Sounded most complimentary to me there.

- But the words are different, sir.

- [C.O.] Different from what?

- To last night, sir.

- Words often appear different at 10 o'clock at night.

Case dismissed.

- Do you mean I can go, sir?

Thank you, sir.

- Give aircraftsman Bullock his papers.

- Case dismissed.

Right turn.

Right!

Quick march.

- I'm surprised Sergeant Major

and a man from headquarters too.

This sort of thing gives the station a bad name.

- But last night, sir.

- What happened the night before

often appears different in the morning.

- But sir, I--

- Fire drill at 9:30 and don't forget.

- No, sir.

- Well, give my love to the Sergeant Major.

- Huh? - Oh nevermind.

(bike revving)

- Just a minute!

- You can't stop me, the C.O. said i could go.

- Oh, can't i?

Where's your papers?

I thought so.

Aircraftsman Bullock, 2814.

You'll be pleased to know you've been posted here

for a week's training.

From now on you're under my command.

Get back inside!

- But I've been given leave.

- Who by?

- Headquarters.

- Oh, well that's different, isn't it?

- And I'll be different when I come back too.

- You're not coming back.

- I know that.

Hey?

- 'Cause you're never going.

- But what about me leave?

- Where's your leave ticket?

- I haven't got it.

- Just a try on, hey? - No.

- [Sergeant Major] Get back inside.

(stammers)

Or do you wanna be put under arrest?

- No. - Then get inside.

- Yes sir. - And report to me

on the parade ground.

- Yes sir.

- Hey, Corporal.

Exercise fire drill.

Fire on the first floor, number six barrack room.

- Very good, sir.

(siren wailing)

- Hello. - Oh hello.

- I say, Peggy has just told me.

- What? - Don't worry,

from now on I'm on your side.

- Come on, wake up, don't go to sleep.

- Look out, the Sergeant Major.

- Do exactly as I tell you and you can't go wrong.

Take this bucket of sand, follow me up the ladder.

Get out the way.

(distant chattering)

- Jump man, jump.

Jump!

- Come on, hurry up.

- Ow!

- Who the blazes did that?

(yells angrily)

- Now we have to jump into the net.

- Hey?

- What, jump from here?

- Yes.

- Ooh, I can't do that.

- There's nothing in it, here.

- That's enough in the net.

The rest down the chute.

- I'm not going through there, I'll hurt myself.

- Of course you won't.

- No, you go on first.

- No, no, as a Corporal I have to be the last to leave.

- Yes, I know, but I--

Ah, he never touched me.

- Pick your feet up, where's that Bullock?

- Just jumped into the net, sir.

(laughs)

- I'll get him.

- What do you wanna jump for?

- Well, Craig told me to.

- Craig?

- I'm just coming down the chute.

- Now's your chance to get your own back.

Belt him on the head as he comes down the chute.

(laughs)

Come on.

(laughs)

He's coming down, look over there.

- Look out, I'm going next.

- Nevermind Sergeant Wilson.

Jump to it, men, read your orders.

- [Sergeant Wilson] Yes sir.

- Don't argue with me, I'm in a hurry.

- Excuse me sir.

Are you going down the chute, sir?

- No, no, no, the stairs.

- Far quicker, sir. - I dare say it, but--

- Out of the way, you men.

Sergeant Major wants to demonstrate.

- I never said I will do so.

- Careful, sir. - Of course I'll be careful.

- There we are.

- Here he comes, here he comes.

(laughs)

- Quick, quick, quick.

Come on, quick.

(laughs)

(gasps)

- Was it you that hit me on the head with that?

- No sir, i

- [Sergeant Major] Answer me!

Stop wasting around now, will you?

You what?

During 40 years (indistinct).

Watch him, get a hold of him!

- Hello daddy.

Practising for the concert?

- Hmm-mm.

- It doesn't sound in tune.

- It's nothing to do with the tuning.

It's the darned uke, it's warped or something.

- Would you want me to ask Bullock

to have a look at it for you?

- Bullock?

Never mentioned that man to me again.

- Oh daddy, don't be so hard on him.

- He's on extra sentry-go now, I'll learn him.

- Maybe if you were a little nicer to him

and helped him with his drill.

- Me?

- Then he'd help you with your uke.

- Are you suggesting--

(knock on door) Come in.

- Good evening, sir.

- [Sergeant Major] What do you want here?

- Peggy asked me to take her across to the canteen.

- Oh, she did?

- Are you ready?

- All right.

Good night, sir.

- Good night, Craig, good night.

- Bye-bye daddy, see you later.

- All right.

- I never asked you to call for me.

- I took your wish for granted.

- You've got a nerve.

- You promised me a lot of good marks

for keeping my mouth shut.

- Oh.

(giggles)

- What the blazes do you think you're doing, hey?

- Yes sir, no sir.

(laughs)

Oh, it's you.

Oh, good evening.

- We must have our little joke, you know.

Come along, sweetheart.

♪ He's waiting ♪

♪ Yes waiting for me ♪

- Here, what about both of you doing a duet?

- At the concert?

- Yes. - No.

- Oh, not likely, we do our duets in private.

♪ I hear they are calling ♪

♪ The young love ♪

♪ The true love ♪

♪ I saw my beloved ♪

- What the blazes do you think you're doing?

- Go on, have your little joke, I don't mind.

- Were you talking to me?

- No sir, no sir, I was--

- All right, all right.

- You mean it's all right?

- Come here.

My friend.

- Hey?

- I want to make a little appeal to you,

an appeal to your better nature.

- What's that?

- I wonder if you would consider trying?

- Trying what?

- Trying to do your duty.

Trying to be efficient,

trying to love me a little,

instead of nearly driving me off my head.

- Well, I don't mean to do it, sir.

- You don't?

- No, I want it to be efficient.

I want to do me duty,

but something always happens to me.

- Yes and when things happen to you,

something always happens to me.

- Well, I don't mean them to, sir.

- Then you will make a real effort?

- I promise I'll do my level best.

- Oh thank you, my boy, thank you.

By the way, that, that, middle--

- Yes I know what you mean.

It's that middle finger, you see.

If you get it on the outside string

and you bend the first and second joint,

press hard, you see?

(laughs)

- Of course, of course.

How stupid of me?

Thanks very, very much.

- Excuse me, sir?

- Yes? - My rifle.

- Quite, quite.

- Look here, Peggy, I'd like you to like me a lot.

- I'd like you a good deal more

if you stopped trying to make a fool of George.

- Oh, George, hey?

Oh listen sweetheart,

don't tell me you're getting fond of him?

- Oh, no, no, of course not.

- I shall hope not.

That miserable, round-shouldered little rat.

- Round-shouldered hey?

- Trying to be smart, is he?

- If you ask me anything, he is smart.

- Give me one of these, will you?

- Well, that about fills up the programme.

- Except the finale.

- Yes, we've got to find something really good for that.

- That's a better one.

(giggles)

- That's more like it.

Now you look something like a sentry.

- Thank you, sir. - At any moment now, the C.O.

will be passing on his rounds.

When I older present arms, don't forget,

one pause,

two pause,

three.

No, not now, not now.

With a little practise, you'll be as smart

as any of them.

- Thank you, sir.

- It's very difficult to bend that third finger

without moving the others.

- A little practise, sir.

- Quite, quite.

Look out, the C.O.

- Better get these railing painted.

We'll take Sir Phillip that way to the tarmac.

- Present arms!

(loud bang)

- [C.O.] Sergeant Major?

- Yes sir.

- Not only did I hear you hiccup,

but I distinctly saw you stagger.

- But, sir-- - Kindly in future

take more water with it.

- But-- - That's all.

- Get our me sight and never let me see you again.

- Yes sir.

(orchestral music)

(laughs)

- You'll never guess what I've seen just now.

- What's that?

- A sentry with a balloon tied on the end of his bayonet.

- What?

(laughs)

- It's a fact, the headquarters fellow

that sang the song, you know.

- Peggy, where are you off too?

- To stop him before he gets into trouble.

- Oh, forget it.

- Well I think it's a shame

playing such a dirty trick on him.

- Look out, there he is.

- [Orderly] Corporal Craig? - Hello.

- The C.O. wants you.

You've been detailed as radio operator for tomorrow's test.

- Do we hear that boys and girls?

Whenever there's an important job to be done,

who do they send for?

- Oh, you make me sick.

- See you later, Peggy.

You know the C.O. just can't get along without me.

- Can I get you something?

- Do you serve shrimps?

- They serve anybody.

(laughs)

- What's the matter?

- Oh, nothing.

- Yes, there is.

- i was just thinking how right they were

not to let me join the Air Force.

- What do you mean?

- I'm no good.

Every time I try to be smart something always goes wrong.

- Is this to do with the balloon?

- Craig, wasn't it?

Of course, it's nothing to do with me, I know,

but it beats me why you're so fond of him?

- Who said I was fond of him?

- Well, you're always together.

- Hasn't struck you, I suppose,

that I might have to play up to him

to keep his mouth shut about you.

- You mean, you're doing it for me?

- In a way, yes.

Here, come with me a minute.

- Yes.

- It's so noisy in here.

- How'd you do?

- Wait 'til Craig comes back.

(giggles)

- Do you remember an incident with a machine gun?

- Oh, I hoped you'd forgotten that.

- Well, I want to explain.

I didn't realise at the time that you knew nothing

about the Air Force.

- I know, I made a fool of myself.

- And I didn't know you thought they were real bullets.

- So you know, if I had more sense I'd be daft.

- Well I don't call it daft running out to save somebody,

when all the time you think there's a chance

of being killed yourself.

- Oh, so that's why you started being nice to me.

- Yes.

- I'd hoped it was because you were beginning to like me.

- You mean you want me to like you

after the beastly rotten way I've behaved?

- Well, you see, I was going...

I feel daft saying it.

I like you.

- And I like you a lot.

- Hey, what's this doing here?

- It's daddy's, he thinks there's something wrong with it

and wants you to have a look at it for him.

- I can't see anything wrong with it.

- He wants you to give him a lesson too.

- Oh, he won't want that after what's just happened.

- Nonsense.

Beginning from now, you're going to show everybody

just what you're made off.

- Do you think I could?

- Of course, you've shown me already,

why not show the others?

- Well I could if you wanted me to.

- Oh i do.

- I'll show them.

- That's the stuff.

You can do anything if you try hard enough.

- You leave it to me.

♪ Is there anybody near us ♪

♪ No. ♪

♪ Well can anybody hear us ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ For I've got something important, bu-bu-bu-bo to say ♪

♪ A-Skiddy-Way-Skiddy-Da-Ski-Do ♪

♪ Tribe the trolleys in cow heels too ♪

♪ Do i seem a little loony ♪

♪ Well ♪

♪ Well i am a little loony ♪

♪ You said it ♪

♪ For I've not been feeling myself all day ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ This funny feeling everywhere ♪

♪ That makes me sing without a care today as I go on my way ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ There's great excitement here and there ♪

♪ The sun is shining everywhere ♪

♪ And spring makes everybody sing ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ Zoom zoom zoom zoom high and low ♪

♪ Zoom zoom zoom zoom here we go ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ I feel so smart and debonair ♪

♪ And I must warn each lady fair beware ♪

♪ Look out and have a care ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ This funny feeling everywhere ♪

♪ That's makes me sing without a care today ♪

♪ As i go on my way ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ There's great excitement here and there ♪

♪ The sun is shining everywhere ♪

♪ And spring makes everybody sing ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ Zoom zoom zoom zoom high and low ♪

♪ Zoom zoom zoom zoom here we go ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ He feels so smart and debonair ♪

♪ And we must warn each lady fair beware ♪

♪ Look out and have a care ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ This funny feeling everywhere ♪

♪ That makes us sing without a care today ♪

♪ As we go on our way ♪

♪ It's it in the air ♪

♪ Dab-Be-Ha-Dadalda-Dadalda ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ There's great excitement here and there ♪

♪ The sun is shining everywhere ♪

♪ And spring makes everybody sing ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ (vocalises) ♪

♪ Zoom, we're singing high and low ♪

♪ Zoom, here and there we go ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ We feel so smart and debonair ♪

♪ I feel so smart and debonair ♪

♪ And we must warn each lady fair beware ♪

♪ Look out and have a care ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ This funny feeling everywhere ♪

♪ That makes me sing without a care today ♪

♪ As i go on my way ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ There's great excitement here and there ♪

♪ The sun is shining everywhere ♪

♪ And spring makes everybody sing ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ Zoom zoom zoom zoom high and low ♪

♪ Zoom zoom zoom zoom here we go ♪

♪ (vocalises) ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ Feeling smart and debonair ♪

♪ I must warn each lady fair beware ♪

♪ Look out and have a care ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

(plane engines roaring)

- As reception flight, we'll have all eyes on us,

so I want you to put up a good show.

Corporal Craig, you'll have everything at readiness

for a complete of her radio the moment she lands.

- Yes sir.

- She'll be flown with full war load.

So load bombs and ammunition immediately.

That's all, carry on flight.

- Very good, sir.

- Right, you are dismissed!

- Quick, Anne's just arrived

and said that Bob's reporting in the guardroom.

- Bob?

- He mustn't do that.

- He's just back from leave and he's furious with you

for trying to take his place.

- Yes, but they'll find out about the letter.

- Well that's his funeral,

the point is that he's reporting,

then you'll be arrested and you'll get six months

for wearing that uniform.

- Six months?

- Oh, you must get away before they find out.

- Yes, I know, but I--

- And I said that they were fresh

from the garden this morning.

Of course, if he didn't want to believe me, he needn't.

- Ow. - I say, I'm terribly sorry.

How on earth did that happen?

- Oh, you must have it bandaged.

- No, there's nothing wrong with it.

- Why of course there isn't.

- Don't argue, I've seen fingers like that before, come on.

- Can I have a bandage please?

- [Both] Somebody hurt themselves?

- Only a finger.

- Oh, is that all.

- Nevermind, it's better than nothing.

Here, let's have a look.

- Don't worry, I'll do it, thank you.

- Darned if I know why they keep us here.

- Three months now and not a blessed job.

- But there's nothing wrong with it.

- Know there's not silly,

but I've got to talk to you alone.

- You see that farm across there?

Well, if you can slip away while there's nobody looking,

there's a lane that leads down to the Frogley road.

It's your only hope.

- But what a hope?

- But you must get away while there's still time.

- Look here, I've had enough of this.

I promised to keep my mouth shut

under certain conditions.

- But he's hurt.

- And those condition were not that your should go fussing

over this little squirt.

- Who said I was a squirt?

- I did!

- I thought you did.

- He's worth 100 of you any day.

- Oh, we'll see.

Well, that settles it.

I've kept quiet long enough.

- No, please don't tell them.

- And I hope they give him nine months.

(gasps)

- Nine months, you said six, go and stop him.

- Well I'll see what I can do,

but you must get away quickly.

It's more important than ever now.

Good luck.

(plane engine roaring)

- All right, time everyone.

Harris, Wilson, take care of chucks

and see their tight under the wheels.

Starboard wing tip, you.

Port wing tip.

Clarke, you take charge of bombs.

- Right on it.

- Where the devil are you going?

- I was going, I was--

- Help Clarke with the bombs here.

- Yes sir.

- Ooh, what a landing?

See that George.

Only an ace pilot can get it down without crashing.

- Yes.

- What's the matter with your all of a sudden?

Why do wanna keep on turning your head around for?

- Well, I've got a ball in the back of me neck

and the doctor said I have to keep me eyes on it.

- Here, hold this.

Careful, careful, these are explosives.

- Take it away.

- Hey!

Careful there, careful.

Get over here with that, take it over here.

Go on!

- [Crowd] Hold it, hold it.

- Have you told him yet?

- Of course I have.

Now Peggy, do be reasonable.

(plane engine revving)

- How's it going Gary?

- Oh fine thanks.

- This is that Corporal Craig,

he'll be your operator.

- Good morning.

- I'll check off her gears, sir,

perhaps you'll run her up for a test?

- Okay, give a shout when you're ready.

- That's it, screw down.

- Hey, you've got me finger there!

- Take your finger out!

- Daddy, you must let him go.

He didn't mean any harm, honestly.

- What, neglect me duty, certainly not!

I wouldn't even if I liked him.

- But daddy, I love him.

- What, him?

- [Peggy] Yes.

- Nonsense, you're just putting this on

to try and save him.

- No, no, I'm not, honestly I'm not.

(knock on door)

- Come in.

- Sir Phillip is just arriving, sir.

- All right, all right.

Present arms!

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning, sir.

- This is my adjutant.

- How do you do?

Has the new aeroplane arrived?

- Just this minute.

This is the shortest way to the tarmac, sir.

- Yes, I can tell that by the new paint on the railing.

No, I think it we'll go this way

and en route I'd like to have a look

at the men in their barrack rooms.

- Yes, sir.

Do something.

- Get busy, Sergeant Major.

- Get the men in their barrack rooms at once.

- Bombs and ammunition loaded, sir.

- Good.

- Sir Phillip wished to inspect

the men in the barracks, sir.

- Into the barrack room all of you!

And if it's cleared up by the time I arrive,

you'll be for it.

Come on, what are you waiting for?

Into the barrack rooms!

Come on, into the barrack rooms, I say.

Now, come on, come on.

Do it, all of you.

Hurry up now, men!

Come on now, hurry up.

- Didn't you get my message? - Yes.

- Then what are you doing here?

- You might ask yourself that.

- Me? - Yes, you coming back

and spoil everything.

Both of us will get in the neck now.

- But I've done nothing.

- Well, what about the letter you should've delivered?

- It was never meant to be delivered.

That was a duplicative for reference only.

- What, do you mean--

- Oh, George look, I know you were only trying to help

and I'm grateful, but now I've got to try and help you.

- A fine way of doing it.

- Don't you realise that every day you keep that uniform on,

you make the crime worse.

You've probably already earned yourself about 12 months.

- Six, nine, 12.

Good Lord, I'll be there all my life if don't get away.

- Yes, well hurry, 'cause I've got to go and report.

Good luck. - I'll need it.

- I'm all ready for ground tests, sir.

- Right, I'll run her after I've telephoned.

- But sir, if there's anything wrong,

there won't be much time to put it right.

- Oh, all right.

- Hey you!

Come here.

Yeah, just a minute, come here.

Run up the engine while I telephone, will you?

- Run her up?

- Yes, they want to test the radio.

- Well, couldn't you get somebody else, I've got--

- It's all right, it's just like any other engine.

- Yes I know, but I've--

- The chucks are in position, it's quite safe.

- Yeah, but you don't understand--

- Don't dither, I'm in a hurry.

- Yes, but--

- Look, the throttle's on this side,

but be careful how you get hold of the joystick.

- Be careful, sir?

- Yes, you might press the trigger running the machine gun.

- And that would be wrong, sir?

- It would rather, particularly as it's loaded

with live ammunition.

- Yes, yes, but...

(plane engine revving)

- All ready, sir.

(plane engine revving)

- Oh mother.

- Can somebody stop it for me,

I can't stop it.

Oh boy!

I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.

(panicky yells)

Help!

Get out of the way, get out of the way you daft thing!

Hey!

Ha-ha, never touched me.

- Apparently no time for ground test,

we're already in the air.

Can you hear me okay?

- Hello sir, she's taken off. - Why?

- Probably some misunderstanding.

- Well nevermind, I'm all ready.

- Open this door!

(plane engine roaring)

Reckless, isn't he?

- Well I suppose the fact that I'm watching him, you know.

(panicky yells)

Better pass him a message that I am watching,

waiting to see what she can do.

- Yes, certainly sir.

- Shall I go, sir? - I'll go myself.

- Ready, get the stretchers.

- Hello, Glenridge calling, I have a message for you.

Sir Phillip is ready and wants you to show him all you know.

- This is from Sir Phillip.

Show him all you know.

- I don't know anything!

(yells)

- You're going to kill him!

(yells)

You ever flown before?

- No!

(yells)

- Pull the stick back, pull the stick back.

- What a pilot?

Brilliant!

- Get me out of here.

Let me out.

Hey!

- The pilot's certainly doing his stuff.

- Yes sir,

- Look here sir!

- Who the devil are you?

- The pilot of that machine.

- Oh, what?

- One of your mechanics took off while I was telephoning.

- Which mechanic?

- I don't know, a fellow with a face like a horse

and a row of teeth like a graveyard.

- Oh, this is terrible!

(yells)

- Brilliant.

Brilliant.

- Who's at the control?

- That half-witted uke player.

- A uke player, sir.

- Uke player? - I might've guessed it.

- Guessed what?

- It's a man who's been masquerading in Air Force uniform.

- What, in my aerodrome?

- I was just going to report him, sir.

- Just going to, what the devil is the use of that?

- Yes sir, but I--

- If Sir Phillip hears about this

we shall all be court-martialled.

What the devil are we gonna do?

- Pass instructions and hope for the best, sir.

- Now, somehow we've got to get that man down

and have him arrested without Sir Phillip knowing.

Now come on, get busy.

- Now listen carefully,

I'm going to pass instructions for landing.

- If you think I'm going to sit here

while he tries to land, you're all damn well mistaken.

- Now, there's no need to panic, just keep your heads.

- Now listen carefully,

I'm going to pass instructions for landing.

- Those are your friends wishing you luck,

sorry I can't stop, I have an urgent appointment.

- Oh, he left me!

(yells)

- Who told the operator to jump out?

- I think he'd had about enough, sir.

- Enough?

He should consider it an honour to fly

with such a pilot.

- Quite sir, quite.

- Now we can't pass any orders.

We are sunk.

(plane engine roaring)

- Bless my soul.

- If Corporal Craig has left his helmet behind, sir,

the pilot should be able to hear the instructions.

- If you can hear me, push your stick to one side

and lower the wing.

- I've done it and now it's strange.

- Looks like he can hear all right.

- Sir Phillip is delighted, sir.

- What? - And wants to know

the pilot's name.

- Whatever happens, he mustn't.

- Why not, sir? - Now listen.

(panicky yells)

- All me insides are coming out.

(panicky yells)

- Order out the spare ambulance.

- Yes sir.

- Pull back the lever on the left.

- Oh, I don't know right from left.

- Oh and what a marksman too.

- Come on, there might be something that's broken.

- What's the matter, dad?

- Matter, that half-wit of yours is at the controls.

- Oh, but are you going to do?

- Order a spare ambulance.

- Well, do something, do something.

- It's no good, he doesn't even left and right.

- Well then try right and left.

- Now listen carefully.

Push forward the lever on your left.

- The engine stopped, mother. It can't stop, it'll fall, it'll fall.

- He's turned off the petrol.

Now he's for it.

- I think I can make him understand.

Oh please may I try.

George, this is Peggy speaking.

- Yes.

- Tell him to turn on the petrol.

The tap on the left.

- Turn on the tap on the side of your bandaged finger.

(plane engine roaring)

- It's worked.

- Can we get him back to earth safely?

- If he keeps his head and does what his told,

there's just a hope.

- You're gonna try to land him.

- Of course.

- Oh, it's hopeless, his bound to crash.

- Oh but he mustn't.

- Get hold of Sir Phillip, take him into the mess.

Tell him the test's over.

Tell him anything you like,

but he must not see this madman trying to land.

- I'll do my best, sir.

The test is over now, sir.

I'm sure you'd like some refreshments.

- No, I wanna wait 'til the plane lands.

- Ease the stick back.

- No, not so much.

- No, no, not too much.

- Oh I can't stand it, I'll leave it to you.

- Ambulances and fire engines ready sir,

hospital's standing by.

- Mortuary open?

- Yes sir. - Good.

- Pull that throttle on the bandaged side.

- Oh, it's a fall, I'm falling.

- Keep everything just as it is and hold tight.

(gunshots firing)

- Look out!

- I'll have him arrested.

- Yes.

(dog barking)

- Oh George, are you all right?

- Just about. - You're under arrest!

- Oh no, dad, you can't do that now.

Now let him go.

- Oh dad!

(crosstalk)

- Dad, you can't.

- Sir Phillip finished a whole bottle, sir.

- Good. - And now he's telephoning

headquarters, recommending the pilot for promotion, sir.

- Promotion hey?

Promotion?

Why, he's not even in the Air Force.

- I was afraid of that, sir.

- Here, out of my way.

- What's broke?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

What do you think we carried

the stretcher all this way for?

- That's your funeral.

- Oh, is it?

- What the devil are doing with that airman?

- He's not an airman, sir.

- Of course he's an airman, let him go.

Or if he isn't by tomorrow morning,

the Air Force will be short of a Sergeant Major.

- You mean that I can join the Air Force

and learn to fly properly?

- Certainly my boy, certainly.

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ This funny feeling everywhere ♪

♪ That makes me sing without a care today ♪

♪ As I go on my way ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ There's great excitement here and there ♪

♪ The sun is shining everywhere ♪

♪ And spring makes everybody sing ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ Zoom zoom zoom zoom high and low ♪

♪ Zoom zoom zoom zoom here we go ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ I feel so smart and debonair ♪

♪ And I must warn the ladies fair beware ♪

♪ Look out and have a care ♪

♪ It's in the air ♪

(orchestral music)

[RedSector]