All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S10E13.WEB-DL.x264.Hun.Eng-Krissz.en

# It seems today
that all you see #

# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV #

# But where are those
good old-fashioned values #

# On which we used to rely?

# Lucky there's a family guy

# Lucky there's a man
who positively can do #

# All the things that make us

# Laugh and cry

# He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! #

# Family Guy 10x13 #
Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream
Original Air Date on February 12, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,

and the reason I'm wearing
this mask is because

we've got a Make-A-Wish
kid in the studio tonight,

who, as you'll find out
as the show goes on,

is quite a cougher.

In local news, Mayor West
signed a bill today...

See? That's-that's
what I was talking about.

Are we gonna get that,

or are we gonna wait
for commercial?

No, no, you have to spray it.
You can't just wipe!

Look, you know what? Let's just
throw the whole camera out.

Okay, Joyce, you talk now. I-I don't
even want to open my mouth.

You know, Tom,
I haven't seen you in a mask

since you went under the stage
name George P. Wilbur.

Oh-ho-ho, Joyce, you know
we don't talk about that on the air.

Oh, my God! Did she...
did she just say

that George P. Wilbur was
Tom Tucker's stage name?

Who the hell
is George P. Wilbur?

That's the guy who played
Michael Myers in Halloween 4,

the greatest movie
of all time.

I've only seen that movie
about a thousand times.

How could I not have noticed that?

Good evening. I'm Michael Myers.

I have enormous
psychological problems,

and I'm going
to take them out on you.

It is him. I
can't believe it.

I mean, that's, like,
my favorite movie ever!

I thought The Flintstones
in Viva Rock Vegas

was your favorite movie.

No, that's my
favorite period piece.

Well, that and Good
Night and Good Luck.

Even though I was tricked
into leaving early.

Good night and good luck.

And good night
and good luck to you, sir.

Oh, hi, Chris.
How was school?

It was great.
I met a girl, Mom!

That's wonderful, honey.

Yeah, her name is
Lindsey, like the state.

Is she nice?

Yeah, she's really
nice and super pretty,

and her bicycle seat
smells like strawberries.

Oh. Okay.

I'm gonna go upstairs
and alternate between

hopeful excitement
and suicidal pessimism!

Got to get the energy up.

Found it.

Hey, uh, excuse
me, Mr. Tucker.

You got a second?

Oh, hello, Peter.
Sure, come on in.

Thanks. Um, hey, listen,

I just found out that
you were the guy

who played Michael Myers
in Halloween 4,

and I just want to say,

I think that was the most
brilliant performance ever

in the history
of everything,

and I wanted to see
if you would sign my DVD.

Oh, I suppose.

Thanks. Hey, so,
what happened?

How come you never
did any more movies?

Well, I tried to make a career
out there in Hollywood,

but I just didn't realize
how tough acting is.

Well, you know
what they say--

"Tough actin' Tinactin."

I wish I'd
known that then.

You see, life after
Halloween 4

wasn't exactly smooth sailing.

Once I stepped out
from behind that mask,

Hollywood gave me
the cold shoulder.

The work I did manage to get

was usually just bit parts
that didn't last too long.

Like the role of Denise's
boyfriend on The Cosby Show.

It's nice
to meet you, Martin.

Thank you,
Mrs. Huxtable.

So, if you guys
are a family,

why are none of you
the same shade of black?

I was also coked out
of my skull most of the time.

But whatever the case,
I was done.

I left Hollywood, moved back
to my hometown of Quahog,

and wound up working
here as a news anchor.

Wow. Well,
don't you miss it?

Every second of every day,
but I can't touch coke again.

It would ruin my life.

No, I mean acting.

Oh. Of course.

But it's over for me.
That's all in the past.

Well, if you ask me, you got the
makings of a star.

- And I want to help you get there.
- Well, that's a nice offer,

but I'm not quite sure
how you expect to do that.

Well, you've brought me
so much joy over the years

as that lovable
murderer of teenagers,

and I want to
return the favor.

I don't even have
an agent anymore.

Well, then how about this?
I'll be your agent.

You?

Yeah, I've seen every
episode of Entourage.

All you need is
some fake hair

and a bunch of Hobbits
hanging around you.

You're on in five
minutes, Mr. Tucker.

You don't belong here.

You're better than this.

You're Halloween 4 better.

Look, I appreciate
your offer,

but I've got a pretty
good thing going here.

In a few minutes,
I've got to be on camera

in front of 800 people.

Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story tonight: The
Rhode Island Historical Society

is heralding the arrival
of a cast-iron, oak-handled

Colonial bedsheet warmer,

now on display
in the Statehouse Rotunda.

Okay, there it is.

As I understand it, they would
put the coal inside of that,

and then put the object
between the sheets.

It was very cold back then.

And it would warm the sheets.

And I-I think that's
the gist of it.

How much footage
of this do we have?

Oh-oh, this is live.

This... Can-can she hear me?

Okay, you can put it down now.

You... She can't hear me. Okay.

What the hell is going on here?

Is it... is it...
Am I having a stroke?

Wait, Peter! Don't go!

So, you changed your mind, huh,
buddy? We going to Hollywood?

You betcha.
But I have to say,

I thought you'd
drive a fancier car.

What? Why?

Well, aren't you the Peter Griffin
of Peter Griffin Cadillac?

No, that's another guy.

Hi. I'm Peter Griffin,

and at Peter Griffin Cadillac,
we believe in three things:

fair dealing, family,
and friendship.

I've lived in Quahog
my whole life.

I love it here.

And you're gonna love
a Peter Griffin Cadillac.

Scumbag.

All right, Lois,
remember to feed the cat,

and remember to get a cat.

I still don't understand
why you got to go

all the way
to Hollywood.

Because I know Tom Tucker
could be a great actor,

and I'm gonna help him
make it happen.

You see, everybody
needs just one person

to believe in
their dreams

so they can spread
their wings and fly.

Dad, can I have money
for dance classes?

Sit down, you dumpy bread loaf.
I'd pay to see you not dance.

- When will you be back?
- I don't know.

But I'll be sure to be back before
Chris's big dance class recital.

I believe in that boy.

- I don't want to dance!
- You'll dance!

Boy, I don't
know, Peter,

being back out here makes me
kind of nervous.

Maybe-maybe this
was all a mistake.

Don't be silly, Tom--
you're an actor,

and this is where you belong.
Now, let's take some of

this complimentary luggage
and get going.

Well, so, h-how
do we do this?

You do nothing.

You just sit back
and let your agent

knock on every door in
Hollywood till he gets

you an acting job.

And that starts right now.

Yes? C-Can
I help you?

No, but I can help you.

You need to hire this man.

Oh. Um, okay.

Well, do you have any experience
handling bags?

Aha! I see!

Typical casting-couch stuff.

All right, kid,
you want to make it

in showbiz
or don't you?

I thought the airport
was Hollywood.

Hey, Mom, I want you to
meet my new girlfriend.

New girlfriend?

Yeah, you remember that girl

Lindsey I told you about?

Well, I asked her out,
and now we are dating.

Lindsey, this is my mom,
my little brother Stewie,

and my dog Brian.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

My goodness, look at you. Do you
even realize who you look like?

Cameron Diaz, that's who.
You are gorgeous!

Well, she's awful pretty-- I
know that, Mom.

Very pretty. Stunning!

Are you kidding me?

Are they not seeing this?

I know, it's kind of creepy.
It's almost like

he's dating Lois.
- Yeah.

Looks like somebody's
getting a little Oedipus-y.

- Can we say that?
- Just did.

All right, Tom, this is
totally gonna work.

All the biggest Hollywood
players eat here,

and we just got to make them
think we're one of them.

That's why I got these
old Hollywood Jew glasses.

Waiter! Oh, waiter!

Yes sir. Are you gentlemen
ready to order?

Yes, I will have the Big and Fancy,
and my client here

will have a bottle
of your best steak.

Right away, sir.

Peter, I-I'm not sure
what any of this

has to do with
getting me acting jobs.

Tom, who's the agent here?

- You are.
- And who is the actor?

Well, I am.

- Wait, which one am I again?
- The agent.

- And who's paying for dinner?
- I assumed you were.

Ah, then we best load
our pockets with bread

and get the hell
out of here.

We have to go!

Not expensive enough!

Excuse me, I couldn't help but
notice your glasses,

your poor table manners and
your huge sense of entitlement.

- Are you an agent?
- I am.

You've got ten seconds
to dazzle me. Go.

Well, I'm the casting
director for NCIS,

and we need an actor for a
mall role that shoots tomorrow.

This is your man.

That's great! He's got just
the look we're after.

Show up here at
10:00 a.m. tomorrow.

How about that, huh, Tom?

You're back in
the business.

Wow, Peter,
I can't believe it!

Hey, don't be so surprised.

I've been pounding the
pavement for you, buddy.

I even gave out all
my business cards.

Call me! Call me! Call me!

Call me! Call me!
Call me! Call me!

Ah, show business.

Oh, hi, you two.

You know, Lindsey, I just
want to say how nice it is

to have such a beautiful young
woman in our home.

Oh, a baby.

I almost had one
of you twice.

Who didn't, right?

So, what are you
two up to tonight?

Well, we really
haven't decided yet.

Eh, I'll think of something
while I'm taking

a chick dump in your
parents' bathroom.

And I will
hold your purse.

Good for Chris, huh?

He picked a peach, didn't he?

Lois, don't you think maybe part
of the reason you like Lindsey

could be because she
looks so much like you?

What? What are you talking about?

Come on, she's clearly
an awful person.

And I think it's possible
that your vanity

has made you
a little blind to that.

Oh... I see what's
going on here-- you're jealous.

Chris has a wonderful
young woman in his life,

and you've got nothing.

She's kind of
right, Brian.

All you've got is
a worn-out rope toy

and that squirrel who comes
by once a day to taunt you.

Hey!

Hey, get out of here!
This is our yard!

You don't belong there!
Don't you touch anything!

I told you all this yesterday!

To your first big
TV acting job.

We now return to NCIS.

Oh, here it is.
Here comes my part.

Excuse me.
I'm looking for Ed Manzelli.

Good evening. I'm Ed Manzelli.
What can I do for you?

I'm looking for a guy
who used to work here.

Name's Mario.
Got any idea where he could be?

I haven't seen him
in over a month.

That's the end of my line.

Your line, NCIS.

You son of a bitch,
you made me feel again.

Oh, don't you go
'cause I'll go.

You know, Peter, I
just want to thank you

for all you've
done for me.

You... You are one
hell of an agent.

Well, with you
as a client, it's easy.

Mr. Griffin?

- Yes, Sandra?
- You have a secretary?

She calls herself
an assistant, but yes.

What is it, Sandra?

There's a man
here to see you.

He says he wants to talk
to you about being his agent.

Really?! Well, then,
by all means, send him in!

Hey, knucklebutts!

James Woods?!

But I... I don't understand!

I... I thought you were dead!

Well...
I'm not.

I don't believe you.

God, is that true?

God?

God, are you there?

Come on, don't touch yourself.
You're God.

I-I don't get it.
Last time we saw you,

Diane Simmons had just stabbed
you in the back with a knife.

Yeah! How the hell
did you come back to life?!

Well, gentlemen, sometimes being a big
Hollywood star has its advantages.

Hey, is this guy somebody?

Yeah, that's James Woods!

We got a celebrity here!

I repeat, this is not
a normal dead person!

This is a celebrity!

Being a famous movie star
entitled me to topnotch medical care

not available
to the rest of society.

My body was immediately taken
to a Hollywood hospital,

where I was hooked up
to a 17-year-old ingenue.

And in accordance
with Hollywood law,

her life force was infused
into me,

bringing me back from the dead.

What happened to the girl?

I threw her out a car window
at Nora Ephron.

Stop making
Jack Nicholson a pansy!

You're thinking of Nancy Meyers!

You're the same thing!

Wow. That's amazing.

So, what do you say, Peter?
Will you be my agent?

I don't get it.
Why would a big shot

like you want me for an agent?

Because you're an up-and-comer,
because you're hungry.

I am hungry. But you
put me and my family

through a lot of
crap over the years.

Why would I want
to help you?

Well, because
you're my agent.

Oh, my God, you're
right! I am!

Hey, hold on now. You came
out here to be my agent.

Tom, relax,
I can take care of you both.

You'd be surprised
how much I can handle.

Peter, I need you to drop
Stewie off at day care,

and then shred this big
stack of old bank statements.

You got it, Lois.

Is he always this quiet?

So, Kevin made another attempt
on his life last night.

He drank two bottles
of dish soap.

Well, we have
some news, too.

Chris is dating the
most wonderful girl.

You know, everyone said, "Don't
smoke during your pregnancy,"

but I think some of it rubbed
off on him 'cause now he's cool.

That's nice.

Well, I should go, Lois.

Yeah, I should probably
get going myself.

Oh, my God!

What? What is it, Lois?

That girl over there--

that... that's
Chris's girlfriend!

Hey, you know, she kind of
looks like you, Lois.

Maybe she'll thank me
for buying the coffee.

You think she
looks like me, too?

Oh, my God.

I'm starting to
think Brian was right.

Maybe I have been blinded
by my own stupid vanity.

That girl is
nothing but trouble.

Are you gonna tell Chris?

I guess I'll have to,

but he doesn't take
bad news very well.

Oh, Chris, honey,
I'm so sorry to tell you this,

but your grandfather died.

All right, gentlemen. So,
what do you got for my client?

Well, we're making a
mediocre action film,

and we think James is just the
guy to do a serviceable job

in a supporting role that
Jeremy Irons, Jeff Goldblum,

and Craig T. Nelson
have already passed on.

Well, we'd need to see
a script first. Oh, looks good.

What do you think, James?

- I like it.
- Good.

I say we move on this.
All right, then, let's negotiate.

- We want everything.
- We'll give you nothing.

- We want something.
- Deal.

Ugh, not this hillbilly
from Rhode Island again.

No thank you.

This is Peter Griffin,
famous agent,

but you can call me PG-13.

Ba-boom!

Leave a message.

Hi, Peter, it's Tom.

Uh, just trying
to reach you again.

And you know,
about that meeting

you set up with me
and Heath Ledger...

He... He never showed.

Maybe I was at the wrong
Panda Express, but I...

Anyway, uh, call me back.

Hey, listen, thanks for
inviting me to lunch, Peter.

I-I was starting
to get nervous

when you weren't
returning my calls.

Tom, I... I didn't know
how to say this to you,

so, here,
take this piece of paper.

And you're on in four,
three, two...

"Peter Griffin drops Tom Tucker
as a client."

You're-you're dropping me
as a client?

Yeah, just heard it
on the news.

How could you do this?!

Look, it's a whole
different landscape

out here since Thursday.

Everything's on computers now.

Peter, I left a very
good job for this!

You're the only reason
I came back out here!

I wish I could help you, Tom,

but this is coming
from upstairs.

The karate studio?

Tom, I have to go now.

But if you're ever Kevin James,
I want you to give me a call.

Mm. Hello?

Peter, it's me, Woodsy!
I need a favor.

What?! It's, like, 2:00 a.m.

Yeah, so listen, I'm
at Chateau Marmont,

I just met this
18-year-old chick,

and I can't decide
whether to take her home

or keep doing blow
with Tom Sizemore

and see if I can do
better later in the night.

Well, okay, um...

Do, uh, do-do you love her?

What?! Look, I'm
texting you her picture.

Just tell me if you
think she's hot enough.

I... What is this
a picture of?

Is that the bottom
of a white pumpkin?

Is she hot or not?

- I-I guess.
- Okay, good, great.

So clear out of your apartment;
we're gonna be there in 15.

What?! I'm sleeping. Why can't you
bring her to your place?

I don't know, man. It's my
aunt's daughter. It's weird.

Chris, honey,

there's something
I want to talk to you about.

Why, sure, Mom. Come on in.

Chris, you know
your girlfriend, Lindsey?

Yeah.

Well, honey,

I saw her making out
with another boy.

Was she kissing with her mouth,
or her pants-mouth?

Because she does both.

Chris, I can't believe
you knew about this!

That's terrible!

Why would you even date
a girl like that?

Well, because...
I-I thought she'd be like you.

Like me?

Well, you got to admit, Mom,

she does look a lot like you.

I mean, I just look at
you and Dad, you know?

He's a complete train wreck,
and you put up with him.

And I'm no prize myself.

So, I guess I figured if I don't
find a girl just like you,

I might never find anyone.

Oh, Chris.

Of course you'll find someone.

And you are a prize.

You're a handsome,
kind-hearted, young man,

and any girl would be lucky
to have you in her life.

You really think so?

Of course I do, sweetheart.

Thanks, Mom.

Now I'm gonna take the child
filter off the computer,

and I want you
to have a fun night.

Okay, this is it, James.

I got your next
project right here.

Peter, you've pitched me
dozens of projects,

and all of them involve me
playing a hayride driver.

I don't know, I just
see you doing that.

You know, this year, it's
vampires, next year, it's hay.

These things go in cycles.

Peter, this is probably
a good time to fire you.

What?!

Come on, Peter,
who are we kidding?

You're a one-man operation.

You know me.
I need a whole crew.

I need a drugs guy,
a girls guy, a fitness guy,

a guy with a boat who can dump
stuff way-out-there kind of guy.

But... But you're
my only client!

Without you, I'm ruined!

Well, that's show business.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to answer this fake phone call.

Hello? Grimace
from McDonald's?

Sorry, Peter,
I got to take this.

No, I understand.

Hey, Tom.

How you doing?

What do you want?

James Woods fired me.

Listen, I-I been thinking.

I was a real jerk to you.

I dragged you out here,

only to dump you
when you needed me the most.

I guess what I'm saying is,

I'm really sorry
about everything.

Sorry doesn't
cut it, Peter.

I quit my job, I left everything
behind to come out here.

I know, but I was
just trying to help.

I never wanted to let you down.

Well, I suppose your only crime
is that you believed in me.

And then stopped believing
in me rather abruptly.

So what do you say?

You ready to go back
to where we both belong?

Yup. Let's go home.

Sounds good.

Hey, check out this picture
James Woods texted me.

What is that? A balloon
running out of air?

Yeah, see, I was hoping
you would know.

It's his cousin's anus.

Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Joyce Kinney.

Tom, I think I speak for all of
us here at Channel Five News

when I say it's good
to have you back here

at half your
original salary.

Still twice yours, Joyce.
Our top story tonight:

Quahog's first organic
supermarket opens this weekend.

So head on down
before the gays turn it

into a cruising ground like
they did the Barnes and Noble

upstairs coffee bar,
which they had to close.

Well, I'm just happy
Tom got his job back.

But I'm sorry I missed meeting
your girlfriend, Chris.

That's okay, Dad.

Yeah, Chris, I never asked you.

What did Lindsey say when
you broke up with her?

Oh, she didn't seem to mind.

I think she already moved on
to someone else.

Thanks for buying me
these clothes, Glenn.

You're welcome.

And you're dismissed.

Do I still get
to keep the 20?

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Sync for WEB-DL: VeRdiKT
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