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BIRD WHISTLES, HE GASPS
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00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,560
Uhn!
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00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:27,760
HE WHIMPERS
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00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,479
What the hell is going on?!
5
00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:35,959
Good morning. Good morning.
Breaking news just in.
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00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:37,519
The men have surrendered to
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00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,599
the Housework Action Group's
demands and...
8
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,199
...The Verderer,
whose whereabouts are uncertain,
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00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:45,679
has suffered a vote
of no confidence.
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00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,719
Women can now claim
monthly chore benefit,
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00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,279
thanks to Janet,
who has ring-fenced funding.
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00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:55,359
Well, it better not be from the
cheese eating competition coffers.
13
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,079
The mandatory men's training
with Pig Man and his cloth
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00:00:58,080 --> 00:00:59,439
can now begin.
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00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,079
It's an historic victory
for the women.
16
00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:05,319
And though the strike may be over
in our community,
17
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,439
it's only just beginning in others.
18
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,959
Stationers from Gloucester
to Bristol
19
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:11,719
have run out of ledgers
20
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:15,999
as the Housework Action Group's
membership swells.
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00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,119
Progress has been made,
22
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,799
but the strike
brought out language that
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00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:23,279
should have been consigned to
the history books.
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00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:27,039
Have you ever been called a witch?
25
00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:28,719
And, if so, why?
26
00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,199
Sheila's on line one.
27
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:31,879
The husband called me a witch, Joy,
28
00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:34,719
just for laughing at him last winter
when we climbed up Snowdon
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00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,560
and his todger went up inside him.
30
00:01:36,561 --> 00:01:39,159
Oh, we can't win can we, Sheila?
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00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,439
Wendy is on line two.
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00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:43,519
My old boss called me a witch, Joy,
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just for telling him
to make his own fucking tea.
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Drown and we're innocent,
35
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float and we're guilty.
36
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:54,799
Hey, Wendy? What image comes
to mind when you hear the word
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00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:55,999
"witch"?
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00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,119
Linda Jane...
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00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,559
Seems to me, a witch is just
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a woman who knows her own power.
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00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,760
Let's all be witches.
42
00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:55,920
WOMAN WHISTLES
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00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:58,560
Ah! Ugh!
44
00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:05,119
Do you know what this is,
Verderer?
45
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:10,239
Well, one of your bloody lesbo
dominatrix sex torture implements
46
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:11,919
I...I imagine.
47
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,919
God knows who's mouth this
has been in.
48
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,519
It's called a scold's bridle.
49
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:19,719
Well, if I get mouth herpes,
I'll be suing you, Agnes Watkins.
50
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:23,839
Do you know, men used put women in
this years back? To silence 'em.
51
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:27,239
If they thought they spoke too much
or too strongly.
52
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,760
Yeah, called 'em witches,
paraded 'em round the streets.
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00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,039
You're a stain on Fayther's legacy.
54
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SHE SPITS
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You ain't gonna use that.
56
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,359
Ain't I?
57
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,519
Man, or fish, Verderer -
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a head is a head.
59
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:46,639
An' I've bashed in a lot of heads.
60
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:47,840
Mm. Mm.
61
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,210
Ow!
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00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,159
Aargh! My verruca!
63
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,520
Argh.
64
00:05:06,861 --> 00:05:09,399
Does he remember anything?
65
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,999
No, just, er, told him a pot fell.
66
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,120
THEY CHUCKLE
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00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:17,720
Erm...
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00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,120
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
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00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:24,879
I haven't really had a chance to
talk to you,
70
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:26,519
but, er,
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00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,680
thanks for inviting me last night,
it was really special.
72
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,000
And, erm, there's something else.
73
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,199
The Mother Tree,
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00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,080
she's grown a shoot.
75
00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,719
The cycle of life, eh.
76
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:02,770
Mm.
77
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,320
Yeah.
78
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,879
I think we should celebrate.
79
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,719
VERDERER: Water! Water!
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00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,639
Yeah, we, er... Actually, we should
Verderer to sing, right?
81
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,239
Sing? He's got a beautiful voice.
Made himself cry once.
82
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:19,999
Yeah, he was on Stars In Their Eyes
years back.
83
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,359
But after Gary Glitter got arrested,
84
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:22,839
they just buried the episode,
you know.
85
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,399
I think we should just
keep it simple.
86
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:26,600
BOTH: Mm.
87
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,200
But he should be there though.
88
00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,720
Do the honours then, Linda.
89
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:57,359
So you had it.
90
00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,680
Well, don't expect the �100 reward.
91
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,520
Hardly bedtime reading
for the young Eel sisters.
92
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,359
You have no right
talking about Fayther.
93
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:12,519
Well, I do, actually.
94
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,199
What with him being my dad
and all.
95
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,480
You may be his biological child,
Linda, but...
96
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,480
...Fayther chose me.
97
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:28,199
He loved me more than his own
flesh and blood.
98
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,080
He left me his book, didn't he?
99
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:33,600
He'd be proud of me right now.
100
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,120
On the whole.
101
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:17,959
Gotcha!
102
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,040
Oh!
103
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,400
Wow.
104
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,839
So truffles evolved
to have that pungent odour
105
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:33,159
so that they could be smelt through
layers of soil?
106
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:34,879
Exactly.
107
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:36,399
So that the boar can find them?
108
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,119
Because the truffle WANTS
to be found and eaten
109
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,360
and shat out. To reproduce.
110
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,119
So...
111
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:48,919
...once the truffle is dug up
and eaten, its work is done.
112
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,759
That's right.
113
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,560
The cycle is complete.
114
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:59,159
Imagine being so in control
of your own destiny,
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00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,520
so sure of your purpose in life.
116
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:07,880
No truffle has ever lost
its identity...
117
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,759
...had a midlife crisis,
118
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,840
...feared the aging process...
119
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,320
...compared itself to
younger truffles.
120
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,000
Being young isn't
the best part of life.
121
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:27,439
Being older isn't the worst.
They're just...
122
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,079
...different stages of the cycle.
123
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,679
Yeah, but,
124
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,599
being younger is much better,
Linda.
125
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,280
Yeah, it is, isn't it?
126
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,640
I coughed yesterday
and did a little wee.
127
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,639
Well, look who it is.
The Verderer has arrived,
128
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:47,079
which means I'm out of time.
129
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:51,079
So let's hope that today
marks the beginning of
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00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:54,920
a more harmonious period
between the sexes.
131
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,280
Oh.
132
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:03,839
Bad night, Verderer?
133
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:04,960
Huh!
134
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,280
GULPING VIGOROUSLY
135
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:14,920
Ah!
136
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,360
Good morning, good morning,
good morning.
137
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,119
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
The strike may be over,
138
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,959
but the war rages on.
139
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,839
Who's with me?
140
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,479
Eh?
141
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,039
Eh.
142
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,560
Uh, leet's go to line one.
143
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,560
Line one, hello?
144
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:46,560
STATIC
145
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,440
Line t... Line two.
146
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,799
Line two.
Hello, you're on the air.
147
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,119
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
148
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,639
Well, apologies about this, gents.
149
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,999
We seem to be having technical
problems with the lines.
150
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:07,480
Line three. Please.
151
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:21,839
STATIC CONTINUES
152
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:23,680
Line three?
153
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:38,160
Back after this.
154
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,720
STATIC SPUTTERING
155
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:57,639
Ooh.
156
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,720
There we go. Mm. Thank you.
157
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,719
To the Mother Tree.
ALL To the Mother Tree.
158
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,399
Cheers. Cheers.
159
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,159
Cheers.
160
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:11,959
You know, we've been piecing things
together and we realised that,
161
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,400
our mayther left
because of your mayther.
162
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:17,239
Oh? Yeah, I mean,
out of all of them,
163
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,599
she was the only one what really
made him laugh.
164
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,799
Mayther made peace with the sex
but of course,
165
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:25,999
Fayther shagged half the town. No,
the two of them laughing together,
166
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,639
that felt like
the real betrayal. You know?
167
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,279
Echoing round the forest.
168
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,719
Mm.
169
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,239
Sorry.
170
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,799
That must have been...
171
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,760
...very difficult.
172
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:39,970
It was.
173
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,399
GULPS HER DRINK
174
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,639
Christ, you swallow loudly, Linda.
175
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:49,919
LINDA SCOFFS
176
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,399
Yes. Apparently so.
177
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,840
Right, gonna get down to the stump.
178
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:57,679
Was weird, right?
179
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,910
Was a bit loud, yeah.
Should get that seen too.
180
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:03,799
Linda.
181
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:04,880
Yeah?
182
00:13:04,881 --> 00:13:08,519
It should have clicked
when I saw your smile.
183
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,399
You've got his wonky smile.
184
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,280
And his wonky gait.
185
00:13:12,281 --> 00:13:17,679
It would be easier to find out who
wasn't Fayther's child, wouldn't it?
186
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:18,960
Hm!
187
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,599
Don't gloat, Joy? Please.
188
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,039
Come to the Mother Tree
celebration, Jim.
189
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:37,439
No.
190
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,680
Ryan's got a surprise for you.
191
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,720
For me?
Have a think about it.
192
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:59,240
MUSIC: Untitled Love Song
by Angels Of Light
193
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:55,159
Everything in this forest
started like this.
194
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:59,439
And this started beneath our feet.
195
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,039
Underground.
196
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:04,640
The fungal networks weaving
their magic through the soil.
197
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:22,039
Every living thing
has a natural life cycle.
198
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,680
And every living thing dies.
199
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,039
And that's the natural order.
200
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:30,799
We fear it,
201
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,679
but we can learn from the mushrooms,
202
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:33,840
and try to embrace it...
203
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,119
...live a life of purpose,
204
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,600
like truffles.
205
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,519
We mourn endings,
206
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:45,040
but we must also celebrate
new beginnings.
207
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:51,199
May all your transitions be joyful.
208
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:54,879
ALL: May all your transitions
be joyful.
209
00:15:54,880 --> 00:16:01,320
? And drug me with visions untrue
210
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:11,560
? But I own a photograph
211
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:18,320
? You're laying naked upon your back
212
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:23,999
? Safe in a stone house
213
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:29,440
? By the sea-ea-ea
214
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:37,440
? There's nothing true
and nothing's real
215
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:43,880
? But I remember one clear feel
216
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:51,080
? Warm beneath your
gentle company... ?
217
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:10,239
Do you think the soul is a solid?
You know, like an organ.
218
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:13,640
Like a liver or a spleen.
219
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:18,560
Or is it... Is it like a gas,
like gas?
220
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,359
Like gas.
221
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:25,279
Oh. I...I don't think
I'm the right person
222
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:29,399
to ask about this sort of
bodily thing, Tone.
223
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,400
I've only just found out that
I wee through my urethra.
224
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:37,639
And not my... you know.
Anyway, sorry.
225
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,759
Why did you want to know about
the soul?
226
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,839
Oh. Cos I've been reading that
Desmond Morris, yeah?
227
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,999
And he reckons a man's soul
is located in his testicles.
228
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,239
Right?
229
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:51,599
And a woman's soul is located
in her ovaries. Right?
230
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,919
And we become immortal
231
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,839
by reproducing and passing
on our genes.
232
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,080
Oh, right.
233
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,799
Desmond Morris from
Animal Magic?
234
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,800
No, that's Johnny Morris!
235
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:08,479
Did he have a chimp?
236
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:09,919
They both had chimps.
237
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,399
Eh?
238
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,479
Desmond Morris...
Yeah. ..is a zoologist...
239
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:18,079
Right? Right. ..who had
a chimp called Congo
240
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,959
that was also an artist. Right?
241
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,759
And Johnny Morris
242
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,319
presented his TV show from a zoo
243
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,840
and he had a chimp
that was his friend.
244
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,919
Sorry, hang on.
245
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:39,759
There's... There's two blokes
called Morris...
246
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:44,599
Yes. ..whose jobs both have
the word "zoo" in them...
247
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,239
Yes.
248
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,599
...and they both had friends
who were chimps?
249
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:49,839
That's right.
250
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:52,119
Struggling with this.
251
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:53,320
Menopause.
252
00:18:53,321 --> 00:18:56,479
I don't know nothing about
the menopause.
253
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:57,919
Well, you should.
254
00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,519
Well, it don't affect me.
255
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,279
Do you know any women?
256
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:02,639
Oh, I know plenty of women.
257
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,810
Well, then it does affect you,
doesn't it?
258
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:09,759
Right. See, the thing about
Desmond Morris, right? Mm.
259
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,799
If he's right,
260
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:15,039
and the soul is a solid, right...
Mm-hm.
261
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:18,520
...and it is located
in a man's testicles...
262
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,200
I think that I can feel my soul.
263
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,000
Have you got a lump
in your testicles, Tone?
264
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:29,759
No.
265
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:34,799
Well, if you have,
then it's not your soul,
266
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,519
and I'd check it immediately.
267
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,519
Well, that's very generous of you,
Linda,
268
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,639
but I think I'll go and see
a doctor.
269
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,119
Uh...
270
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,039
Ah!
271
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,160
HE CHUCKLES
272
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:58,599
Ah, there you go,
273
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,359
I thought you were
Grandmayther size?
274
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:01,999
You look just like her.
275
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,719
Hey. Do I have to wear
the plaits?
276
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,919
Cos it's really pulling on my hair
and it's really itchy.
277
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,759
Right. Does the rain moan about
being wet, Linda? Eh?
278
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,319
It's an honour to wear
Grandmayther's clothes,
279
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,839
and hair Linda.
280
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:15,839
Be disrespectful
not to wear the whole thing.
281
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,760
I am honoured, of course.
282
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,519
Right, shall we get going, then,
Ags?
283
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:25,999
Oh, where you off to?
284
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,799
Just a few weeks away is all, Linda.
285
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,399
A few weeks?!
286
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,599
I can't run the cafe by myself!
287
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,919
How do you even catch an eel?
288
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,879
Just use your hands, you daft cunt.
289
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:40,159
Yeah, don't worry, you won't be
running this place by yourself, Linda.
290
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,320
No we, er, we made a few calls.
291
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,679
Help is on its way, Linda.
292
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:47,879
What are you laughing at?
293
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,199
I'm not a cunt, actually.
294
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:51,999
And it'll be mash and mash
for two weeks.
295
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,520
Eh? Nothing.
296
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,759
CAR DOORS CLOSE
297
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,520
ENGINE STARTS
298
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:14,080
HORN BLARES
299
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:03,919
? Oh, Sally, my dear
300
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,759
? It's you I'd be kissing
301
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:12,480
? She smiled and replied,
"You don't know what you're missing
302
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:21,119
? Oh, Sally, my dear
303
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:24,319
? I wish I could wed you
304
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,919
? Oh, Sally, my dear
305
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,080
? I wish I could bed you... ?
306
00:22:29,130 --> 00:22:33,680
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