Original subtitles

I found this

typewriter next to

the courtyard dumpster.

An old Underwood 5

with original

carriage return.

Took her home, polished her up

and bought a brand new ribbon

off of

electronicbay.com.

Okay, somebody has

got to do something.

I'm getting

a cluster headache.

He's leaving.

Let's go.

I've got

to throw it away.

No, I'm not.

It weighs

a billion tons.

What is he

typing, anyway?

"If you sons of bitches

try to remove this typewriter,

I'll kill you."

I'm going to type

every word I know!

Rectangle.

America.

Megaphone.

Monday.

Butthole.

Well, I hate

to be the bearer

of bad tidings,

but these interviews

are more important

than we thought.

Harvest Fest is

two weeks away,

and awareness

is still

pretty low.

Boy, 35%?

It's actually

34.2%.

"34.2%." I'm Ben,

the numbers robot.

It's just an exact

calculation.

"It's just an exact

calculation."

All right.

So, we're doing a huge

media blitz to publicize

the Harvest Festival,

and we've got TV,

newspaper, radio...

And I even called Oprah.

Well, I tried to call Oprah.

I couldn't get her number.

I'm putting it out there,

like The Secret.

And hopefully,

she'll call me.

Our first interview

is at 93.7 F.M. with Crazy Ira

and The Douche.

Crazy Ira and...

The Douche.

They are Pawnee's

most hilarious

drive time radio guys.

So much better than

Tubby Tony and

the Papaya. Am I right?

They're

seriously so funny.

Is this right?

This feels

almost perfect,

but I don't think

your core has

maximized elasticity.

Okay. I'll come back,

if you guys

are being weird.

No, no, no,

no, no.

You're exactly the person that

I most want to talk to,

right at this moment.

And lunge.

Have you given my offer

any more thought?

What exactly

would happen if

I said yes?

Well, you would work

at the state house.

You would coordinate

my professional

and personal schedule,

and we would give you

a small relocation fee

for your move to Indianapolis.

That sounds boring.

But I have nothing

keeping me here.

Do you have Internet

in your office?

Yes.

Fine, I'll do it.

That is literally

the best news

that I've heard all day.

Unlike April,

I still do not know

what my future

holds with Chris.

And it's starting

to bum me out.

I need some

more vitamin D.

Yeah.

Hey. Crazy. What was

that meeting about?

It turns out Chris

is my real dad.

I think you're lying.

I think I know what

that meeting was about.

You can't go

to Indianapolis.

There's got to be

something that I can do

to convince

you how much

I care about you.

Tell me your least

favorite things

you have to do every day,

and I'll do them

for a month.

Fine.

If you do everything

I hate for a month,

then I might begin

to think about

the possibility

of thinking about

maybe staying.

That's all I

have to hear.

You won't live

to regret this.

Unless Andy

can un-kiss Ann,

then I'm not going

to change my mind.

But if he wants

to take my dumb sister

to her dumb dance class,

then I'm not going

to dumb stop him.

Crazy Ira

and The Douche, 93. 7.

You know why

I'd never

be an astronaut?

Two words.

Space farts.

You can't roll down

the window of the shuttle.

Am I right, folks?

Houston,

we have a...

What do you think

about that,

Neil Armstrong?

That's one small

for man,

one giant

for mankind.

All right.

Switching gears

here now.

We've got Leslie Knope

and Tom "Haverfart"

and Ben Wyatt.

And they're in

the hizzy to talk about

an upcoming event

called

the Harvest Festival.

Well, The Douche,

it's a Pawnee

tradition,

and it's where fun

meets awesome.

Meets agriculture.

And it is going

to be next month,

right here in Pawnee.

And spoiler alert,

it's going to have

the best corn maze ever.

You lost your virginity

in a corn maze,

didn't you, Douche?

That's right.

To your mom.

Crazy Ira!

Clean your room!

There's also going

to be hay rides.

"Hey, ride me,"

is what Crazy Ira's

mom said.

Stop it!

China Joe,

you are a poet.

My bird is missing.

I need a permit

to post signs.

Let me just look

for that form.

There's no time!

He can fly!

Nine things

April hates to do.

Number one,

run the permits desk

for an hour.

That's no problem.

I eat "running

the permits desk

for an hour" for breakfast.

Ow. That's... Ow.

Henry. Stop it.

Great. Ow.

Okay, Henry.

Cute kid.

Andy.

Got a sec?

Yeah.

Henry.

Why are you working

the permits desk,

and why was

that child clubbing

your nuggets?

I'm trying to stop

April from taking

a job with Chris,

so I'm doing everything

she hates doing

for the next month.

That's going

to work?

She said it might.

But it's all

I've got, man.

Give me the list.

I'll help you.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

You got it.

No, I don't care

about their

relationship.

I just don't want

to lose April.

I would never

be able to find

a worse assistant.

Okay.

Thanks, Leslie.

But you know,

what we really want

to do today

is have a chat

with Ben Wyatt, here.

Come on, Ben.

I'm more of

a behind-the-scenes

kind of guy.

Well, it's either

come with us or

get in the spank chair.

So, maybe it's time for

an interview. Come on,

everybody, give him a hand.

Come on!

Come on over, Ben.

Yeah.

So, this guy, Ben Wyatt...

We're looking him up

on AltaVista.

He's from

some hick town,

Partridge, Minnesota.

And when he's 18,

he's elected mayor.

That's funny.

Yeah, he's 18,

becomes the mayor,

and then blows

the whole budget

on an ice skating rink.

City goes

bankrupt.

Joke!

Get out of there!

What did you call

it again, bro?

What was it called?

Say it.

Ice Town.

I was a kid.

And when you...

You end up

getting out there

and there's a...

I really wish

you guys could

see this guy right now.

He is drenched

in sweat.

There's also going

to be ponies at

the Harvest Festival.

All right.

Let's take a caller

from Douche Nation.

All right.

Talk to me,

caller.

What's up, guys?

Just douching over

here in Eagleton.

Sweet.

Seems like 18

is pretty young

for a mayor.

What were you, like, 12?

The funny... When...

I guess...

The fortunate...

Can we just, sort of...

Game over, man.

Game over.

Nice job, man.

Was that your first time

talking to other people?

Because it came

off that way.

You embarrassed

me in front of

The Douche.

I'm sorry,

you guys. I just...

I haven't had to deal

with that mayor stuff

for 17 years.

I guess I'm not

totally over it.

No worries.

Look, it was just

a bump in the road.

Okay.

Fortunately,

the Leslie-mobile

is an all-terrain

vehicle.

So, everything

involving Ben

is fine.

I just need to talk

to you in private about

something different

that is not

Ben-related.

Ben, good job.

Your boy's

a nightmare.

I know,

but we need him.

If they ask us

about the budget,

he's our numbers guy.

Well, we should just

slap a pair of Ray-Bans

on a calculator,

because that

would be way

more charming.

I'll do the newspaper

interview. You and Ben

do Channel Four.

Perd Hapley is

a big softie.

It'll be a puff piece.

He can do it.

So, how are you

liking Pawnee?

There are

a lot of cars.

I mean,

not too many.

Trucks and stuff.

But, you know...

Cool. Good talk,

Ice Town.

Okay.

Wow. Who knew that

watercress, garbanzo beans

and walnuts

could complement

each other so well?

Good dressing,

too, right?

Flaxseed and agave.

Same basic ingredients

as bird feed.

I'm just going

to come right out

and say it.

I want to define

your bagua.

Okay. What's that?

It's a feng

shui term.

The energy

in this house

is a little stale.

But I think I can

redefine your flow

in a very positive way.

Great. I'm not

really attached to the way

this stuff is arranged.

Or the stuff itself.

Or this house,

even, really.

Great, let's do it.

Am I not being

obvious enough?

I feel like

I'm being obvious.

This just in.

Harvest Festival more

like "Harvest Bestival."

The Parks Department

has planted the seeds,

and now, they're

harvesting the rewards.

Great. You done?

They'll put the fun

in funnel cake.

Okay. Now, I'm done.

Tell me about

Ben Wyatt.

Sure.

He works for

the state government,

and he's been

coming to advise us

about our budget.

Come on, Leslie.

The Douche blew

this story wide open.

Ben Wyatt bankrupts

a town and then

comes to Pawnee

to tell us how

to spend our money?

There's no story

here, Shauna.

He's just a dedicated

civil servant who is

doing whatever he can

to make sure

that this is the best

Harvest Festival ever.

And he's easy

on the eyes, too.

What exactly is

the nature of your

relationship with him?

Strictly professional.

Just friends.

So, are you colleagues

or are you friends?

We are colleagues

with benefits.

We're colleagues who benefit

from the fact that

we're also friends.

I'm sorry, Shauna.

I think I need to go.

But, thank you

so much,

and as always,

everything I said

is off the record.

Okay? Bye.

What's the next task?

We have to write

her grandmother

a thank you note

for a birthday check.

It has to be really good,

too, because it's

five months late.

Never written

a thank you note before.

This will be fun.

What does

she call her?

Gamma. No.

Nanna.

Or Nana. Gizmo.

Something like that.

This is for your Gizmo.

I think you'll find

it's pretty good.

"Dear April's

grandmother..."

I said grandfather.

Oops.

Okay.

"You are a beautiful

and amazing woman." Man.

"I hope someday,

I can become half

the woman you are."

He's a man.

"Thank you for

the $500."

It was $5.

"Enjoy the Mouse

Rat CD." He is deaf.

Okay. Do you want me

to make those changes,

or is it good?

Before we do

this next interview,

there's a little secret

I want to let you in on.

It's called

the "Haverford Schmooze."

Look, I was just

caught off guard.

I'm fine.

Three easy steps.

Smile, friendly

physical contact

and flattery.

"Hey, Perd. Was

your dad RoboCop?

Because your arms are guns."

RoboCop didn't have

guns for arms.

Oh, my God.

That's so not

the point, you nerd.

Just saying.

Why are we

at a mall?

We're getting you

a new suit.

I've let this go on

long enough.

I like this suit.

You shouldn't,

because it looks

like garbage.

Your suit looks

more like garbage.

Really?

Yeah.

Because Brooks

Brothers Boys

doesn't make garbage.

Okay. This next thing

is a photography

class assignment.

Can you figure

that out?

"Encapsulate

the spirit

of melancholy."

Melancholy.

Easy.

Boom. A sad desk.

Boom. Sad wall.

It's art. Anything

is anything.

Right on.

I'm going to go

drop this off

and pick up the mail.

Sad floor.

It does look sad,

kind of.

Sorry for stepping

on you, floor.

Hey. You got Andy

doing all your work

for you?

Yes, but he said

he wanted to do it.

I'm only doing it

because I'm

getting him back...

Yeah, I don't care.

I got something

to add to your list.

Yup. There we go.

That's the stuff.

April really does

this every day?

Yes. Work the heel.

Andy, can

I be next?

Yeah.

I have got a corn

so big you could

slap butter on it.

Welcome to

Ya' Heard? With Perd.

I'm Perd Hapley.

The story of

our guests today

is that

they are from the

Department of Parks

and Recreation.

Ben Wyatt

and Tom Haverford.

What up, Perd?

Big fan.

Me, too, Perd.

What up?

The thing

about this

first question is,

I'd like to ask you

about the Harvest Festival.

Perd, it's going

to be amazing.

Carnival rides, games...

Sweetums is even

building a plus-sized

roller coaster

for some of Pawnee's

obese thrill-seekers.

You must be

this wide to ride.

Wow. That's going

to be a pretty big

roller coaster.

Yup.

Hey, guys.

How did it go?

Well, there were

some sticky moments.

Let's go to

the videotape.

Look. Who hasn't

had gay thoughts?

Who?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I mean, you know,

sometimes, I feel like

I might need glasses.

Is there a bird

in here?

I swear, I keep seeing

a bird in this studio.

Maybe that's all

there is to it.

How did this happen?

He was fine until

Perd started asking him

about the "boy mayor" stuff.

What's wrong with you?

You look psychotic.

I was 18 when I was

elected mayor. Okay?

So, excuse me for that.

Cindy Eckert had

just turned me down

for senior prom.

Do you know how that...

I should call her.

I should.

No, I shouldn't.

And I'm not going to.

And I'm proud

of myself for that.

And then, he talked

about feeling up Cindy Eckert

for the first time

for about

five minutes.

And then,

the show ended.

As did our careers

and, probably,

Harvest Fest.

Boom. Sadness.

That's the one.

Natalie! Hey.

It's me, Andy.

You're an hour

and a half late.

I know. I know.

I had to massage

a ton of feet.

Super sorry.

Come on. Get in.

I need to do everything

on April's list

or she's not going

to go out with me.

You're into April?

Come on.

We'll talk about it

in the car.

Hold on.

I'll get my books.

Okay.

Okay, great.

Call me.

That should be some

damage control. I'm having

dinner with Perd Hapley.

Tom, what do

we have?

I've gotten calls from

a dozen businesses

thinking about pulling

their sponsorships.

Sweetums might cancel

the Fat-Coaster.

Oh, my God.

Okay, look,

we need to focus.

We still have

the Pawnee Today

interview.

Well, is it too late

to cancel?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's too late

to cancel.

Joan Callamezzo

runs this town.

But Ben, don't worry about it.

You're not going

in front of the camera.

Fine with me.

Are you trying

to lure this young lady

into your van?

Yeah.

But she's being really

difficult about it,

and it's actually not my van.

I stole it from

a friend of mine.

I technically shouldn't

be even driving, because

my license is

crazy expired.

That's Dwyer.

D-W-Y-E-R.

Dude! Come on.

I've got to get

out of here!

Natalie, tell

this guy

you know me.

Joan? I thought you were

Jennifer Aniston

filming a movie here.

Joan, let's make

a pact, okay?

If we're both

still single in an hour,

let's get married.

Tom, I'm already

married.

That's right. To Seal.

What? I confused you

with Heidi Klum again.

See you later, Joan.

That's just...

That's how

it's done.

In five, four...

Hello, and welcome

to Pawnee Today.

I'm Joan Callamezzo.

Today's guest is

Leslie Knope, who is

here to tell us

how this year's

Harvest Festival is going

to bankrupt the city.

Well, Joan, actually,

there's a lot of false

information flying around.

The Harvest

Festival is...

Jumping right in.

That's rude.

I just want

everyone to know

what an extraordinary

event this is

going to be.

But at what cost?

How many cities

does Ben Wyatt

need to destroy

before he's put

behind bars?

Ben Wyatt has done

nothing wrong.

You know? If you want

to ask him questions,

let's go for it, huh?

Just ask any question

about his past or present.

Just get it over with.

Ben, let's get up here.

What?

Yeah. Come on.

We'll just ask him

a bunch of questions,

and then, we'll get

everything cleared

and out of the way.

Sound good? Yeah?

Great.

Good. Let's take

some calls, Joan.

Why don't you?

Okay. Caller,

are you there?

Yeah, how can you

justify raising taxes

for something that

will hurt the town?

I...

For...

Just to add to what

Ben's stammering about,

we aren't going

to raise taxes.

So, that's that.

Next caller?

Do you fish,

April?

No. Fish are gross.

Let me give

you a piece

of fishing advice.

I said I don't...

When you have

a fish on the line,

you don't just drag it

behind the boat.

You either reel it in

or you cut him loose.

Especially if he's

a nice fish with a big,

lovable fish heart.

You don't know

what you're

talking about.

Maybe not.

Maybe you really do

hate Andy.

Maybe moving

to Indianapolis just

to get revenge on him

is a really good idea.

What do I know?

You are going

to love this.

Verosian tea really

supercharges the bacteria

in your colon.

Plus, it smells

interesting. Waft it.

Are we actually ever

going to drink it, or we're

just going to sniff it?

I love sniffing.

Don't get me wrong.

You are hilarious.

So, you're

leaving soon.

Back to Indianapolis

briefly,

and then, on to

a town called

Snerling, Indiana,

for several months.

Never heard of it.

It's quite small.

The cows outnumber

the people forty to one.

It sounds amazing.

I like you a lot.

I love spending time

with you.

And I thoroughly

enjoy you,

Ann Perkins.

I just think we need

to talk about what

that means for us.

I don't want

to be clingy.

No, no, no. Please.

It is something that

we need to figure out,

and we should

do that right now.

I'm so happy

you said that.

Wow, that's disgusting.

Yes, it's very

hard to drink.

Yeah,

why should we trust

this Ben Wyatt guy?

Because I'm trusty.

Trust me.

I'm trustworthy.

And I am working

very hard to...

...make sure that this town

gets back on its feet.

Here we go.

Okay, great.

Next caller?

So,

I looked you up on AltaVista,

and I found out

that the last seven towns

you've gone to ended

up bankrupt.

Okay. First of all,

why does everyone

in this town use AltaVista?

Is it 1997?

And second, I am

a budget specialist.

I went to those towns

because they were bankrupt,

and now, they aren't.

And yeah,

I screwed up

when I was 18,

but who doesn't

do dumb stuff

when they're 18?

Joan?

I stole my

gym teacher's husband.

So, there you go.

Well. What else

you got, callers?

Going once, going...

Here we go.

Yeah, hi. Can you

tell me more about the corn

maze at the Harvest Festival?

Are dogs allowed?

Hello.

How did it

go today?

It was super fun.

It was?

Yeah.

You have a list

for tomorrow?

You want to do

this again tomorrow?

Yes, I do. I mean,

it's the deal, right?

I got to do it

for a whole month,

and then,

you're not going

to move to Indianapolis.

I better be

the only person

you kissed today.

Yeah, I'm positive

that you are.

If I thought

you were serious,

I'd be offended, Perd.

But I know that

we're buddies.

And I know

you wouldn't

do that to me.

But, no, this is

a birthmark,

Perd. Okay?

This is the little scar

I got when I was nine

and I fell off my bike.

So, no,

I'm not perfect.

I can't look away.

It's amazing.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

Now, here's

the best part.

Okay, that's all

the time we have

here on Ya' Heard?

I'm Perd Hapley,

Channel Four.

More like

"Turd Crapley."

Yes. Yes.

Yeah?

Bravo!

Thank you

very much.