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Ron? Jack Cooper,
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from the Controller's Office.
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Got a second?
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Sure, what can I do you for?
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Frankly, this is a
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little awkward.
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We've received this letter
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from a collection agency
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about an outstanding
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debt from the Pawnee
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Public Library.
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It appears you have
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an overdue book.
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Oh, do I?
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It's Not the Size of the
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Boat: Embracing Life
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with a Micro-Penis.
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Tammy.
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My ex-wife Tammy likes
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to check in every so often
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and make sure I'm doing okay.
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And if I am, she tries to
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everything up.
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Okay, I pre-dialed 911,
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so all you have to
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do is press send.
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You're worrying
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over nothing.
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If she binds your
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hands and you can't
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reach your phone,
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just try to chew
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yourself free.
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Whale tail. Whale tail.
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She's flashing a
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whale tail.
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Abort. Abort.
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Hello, Tammy.
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Oh!
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Hello, Ron. I didn't
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see you come in.
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I was just checking
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myself for scoliosis.
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And?
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Straight as an arrow.
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Just like somebody
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else I know.
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Jerky?
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Call off the dogs.
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You and I both know
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that in my entire adult life,
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I have never checked
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a book out of the library.
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Oh, my God,
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she's amazing.
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Ooh!
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Mmm.
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I admit there was a time
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when that sort of behavior
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would've driven me wild.
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But I am in a healthy
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relationship now, Tammy.
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A relationship? With whom?
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A lovely, intelligent,
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self-possessed pediatric
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surgeon named Wendy.
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Sounds like a real whore.
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Clear the late charges
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and cut the crap.
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Good day.
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Good day, Leslie.
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Good... Good day.
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Okay, so we're ordering
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them a total of 30 pizzas,
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so let's talk toppings.
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Sausage, onion, and peppers.
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Scientifically proven to
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be the best toppings.
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Nice.
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Should we throw in some salads
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for a healthy option?
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Wow, don't be
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such a Jerry, Ben.
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Yeah, Ben, these guys
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are cops, not ballerinas.
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So we are throwing a
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little shindig
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for the police department
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because we're asking them
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to volunteer as security
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during the Harvest Festival.
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I don't know what it is
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about big outdoor gatherings
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that makes everyone want to
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urinate all over everything,
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but it does.
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And they do.
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Okay, how about
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some calzones?
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Calzones are like pizzas
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but they're harder to eat.
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They're dumb, and
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so was that idea.
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Seriously?
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This is embarrassing
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for you.
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Sorry to interrupt.
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Ron, are you ready?
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Absolutely, my dear.
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I am off to have
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a mid-morning pre-lunch
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with my lady friend,
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but I will be back in
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time for lunch.
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All right.
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Ron's girlfriend's pretty.
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Tom's ex-wife.
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Oh.
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I don't want to see them
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together. It's like they're
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rubbing it in my face.
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All I can think about
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is Captain Mustache
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plowing my ex-wife.
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And you imagine he's
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wearing a cape while
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he's plowing her?
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What?
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No, just, Captain Mustache?
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I mean, if all you can
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think of is Ron, you know...
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Maybe put him in some
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tights and a cape, and
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then it would be funny.
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Now I'm imagining a cape.
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April?
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Did you call me?
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I did call you.
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Good ears.
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Chris's assistant went
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back to Indianapolis,
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so he's borrowing
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me for a few days.
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Yay!
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I'd like you to get me some
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more Post-its. I'd like them
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in multiple colors.
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I'd like green.
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I'd like yellow.
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Do not buy orange.
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I do not want orange.
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I have plenty of orange.
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Got it.
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You want five million
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orange Post-its.
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That's hilarious.
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Oh, wait! I have a
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Post-it for you.
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It says, "Great job!"
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Mmm...
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Great job.
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Mmm..
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There you go.
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They're getting
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really old, and
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I'm an only child.
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I just feel like the
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right thing to do is
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to move back home.
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I'm sorry to see you go.
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I've really come to
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think of you as
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a companion.
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Hey, I don't suppose
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you'd want to move
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to Canada?
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Canada.
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No, I don't suppose
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I would.
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Hey, I hate to nag,
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but shouldn't we
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be talking strategy,
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like, when to ask the chief
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for this huge critical favor?
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Yes. I know exactly
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when we should do it.
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Post-pizza, pre-ice
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cream, between his
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third and fourth beer.
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He'll be full but
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not stuffed, tipsy
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but not drunk.
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Should be around 9:00.
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Okay, so you've
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thought this through.
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Just sit tight.
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I'll get you a beer.
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Can I have
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two beers, please?
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Hey, you okay?
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Wendy and I are over.
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She's moving
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back to Canada.
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It's too bad.
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I just taught her
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how to whittle.
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She made me this tiny
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sharpened stick.
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Look, I'm gonna tell
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you what I tell
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all my girlfriends
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when they get dumped.
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Men are dogs.
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Thank you, Leslie.
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That does not apply to
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this situation at all.
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But thank you.
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I appreciate it.
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This is a disaster.
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You're not into football?
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I knew there was something
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wrong with you.
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I knew it. I knew it,
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knew it, knew it.
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Honestly, I haven't felt
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this good in years.
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And it's not just because
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of the supplements
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he has me taking
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and the soluble fiber
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and the increase
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in regularity.
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It's him.
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He's moving back to
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Indianapolis in a couple
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of weeks, which sucks.
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But if he asked me
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to move with him,
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I think I would.
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I would like
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a local beer.
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I'd like it
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in a bottle.
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I'd like the bottle
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to be cold.
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I would like a glass
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of white wine.
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I would like it to
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be chardonnay.
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And I would like that
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with one ice cube.
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Thanks.
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Chief Trumple?
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Hey, Knope.
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You know Ben Wyatt
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from the State Budget Office.
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Hello.
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Yeah, how's it going?
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Thanks for the party.
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Good pizza.
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Great. So, yeah,
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the pizza's dynamite,
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isn't it?
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I just said
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it was good pizza.
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It's good. Pizza's good.
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You...
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You know what
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I like? Calzones.
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What the hell is
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wrong with this guy?
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Sorry. We'll check in
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with you later.
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Take it easy.
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Yeah, will do.
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What is wrong with you?
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I was getting somewhere
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with that.
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Yeah, great small
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talk over there.
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Okay, let me handle this.
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I get a little nervous
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with cops.
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I'm in control.
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What's up?
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Tom Haverford's in
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the building.
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Whoo!
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Tom, what the hell
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are you doing?
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Same thing you're doing,
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celebrating Pawnee's finest.
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I believe you know
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my date, Tammy Swanson.
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Hi-ya, Ron.
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Oh. Hi-ya, Ron.
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Hey, Ron.
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I'm sorry.
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Is seeing your ex-wife
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on my arm making
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you uncomfortable?
302
00:07:13,730 --> 00:07:16,530
Gee, I can't imagine
303
00:07:13,730 --> 00:07:16,530
why. Or can I?
304
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,760
I like this song.
305
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,760
Do you wanna dance, Tammy?
306
00:07:18,830 --> 00:07:19,820
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
307
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,230
Oh. Ah.
308
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,640
I know Tammy seems scary.
309
00:07:24,710 --> 00:07:27,340
But really, she's just
310
00:07:24,710 --> 00:07:27,340
a manipulative, psychotic,
311
00:07:27,410 --> 00:07:30,240
library-book-peddling,
312
00:07:27,410 --> 00:07:30,240
sex-crazed she-demon.
313
00:07:33,010 --> 00:07:34,280
Yeah.
314
00:07:34,380 --> 00:07:35,870
I think
315
00:07:34,380 --> 00:07:35,870
that's enough.
316
00:07:34,380 --> 00:07:35,870
Tammy.
317
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,250
Hi, Ron.
318
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,290
I was just tasting my
319
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,290
new boyfriend, Glenn.
320
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,290
Tom.
321
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,150
You don't know what
322
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,150
you're mixed up in, son.
323
00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:45,460
This isn't about you.
324
00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:45,460
It's about me.
325
00:07:45,530 --> 00:07:48,120
Typical Ron Swanson.
326
00:07:45,530 --> 00:07:48,120
Always thinking
327
00:07:45,530 --> 00:07:48,120
about yourself.
328
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,860
Maybe we like each other.
329
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,860
Yeah, maybe we do.
330
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,630
Okay. Let's
331
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,630
take it easy.
332
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:57,070
Tammy, leave him
333
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:57,070
out of this.
334
00:07:57,140 --> 00:08:00,040
So it's okay for you to have
335
00:07:57,140 --> 00:08:00,040
a girlfriend, but I'm not
336
00:07:57,140 --> 00:08:00,040
supposed to see anybody?
337
00:08:00,110 --> 00:08:01,240
Damn it, woman!
338
00:08:01,340 --> 00:08:03,440
Just crawl back into the
339
00:08:01,340 --> 00:08:03,440
dank hole you came from
340
00:08:03,510 --> 00:08:04,810
and leave my friends alone.
341
00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:07,270
Okay, okay.
342
00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:07,270
Let's settle down.
343
00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:07,270
What seems to
344
00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:07,270
be the problem?
345
00:08:07,380 --> 00:08:08,980
What seems to be
346
00:08:07,380 --> 00:08:08,980
the problem?
347
00:08:07,380 --> 00:08:08,980
Is there a problem here?
348
00:08:09,050 --> 00:08:11,580
Basically what we had
349
00:08:09,050 --> 00:08:11,580
here was a dispute of
350
00:08:09,050 --> 00:08:11,580
a domestic nature.
351
00:08:11,650 --> 00:08:13,090
White male, 40, 45.
352
00:08:13,150 --> 00:08:15,320
Caucasian male.
353
00:08:13,150 --> 00:08:15,320
Stocky build.
354
00:08:15,390 --> 00:08:16,820
Approximately 5'10".
355
00:08:16,890 --> 00:08:19,520
Verbal altercation transpired
356
00:08:16,890 --> 00:08:19,520
at approximately 8:55 P.M.
357
00:08:19,590 --> 00:08:20,760
with a female unsub.
358
00:08:20,830 --> 00:08:22,420
Appears to be
359
00:08:20,830 --> 00:08:22,420
slightly intoxicated.
360
00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:24,430
Claims to be an ex-spouse.
361
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:25,760
Real piece of work.
362
00:08:25,830 --> 00:08:27,270
Real piece of work.
363
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,830
Real piece of work.
364
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:31,500
I know why you're
365
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:31,500
doing this, and you're
366
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:31,500
making a huge mistake.
367
00:08:31,570 --> 00:08:34,370
Fight fire with fire, Leslie.
368
00:08:31,570 --> 00:08:34,370
He dates my ex, I date his.
369
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:37,940
Ron and Wendy aren't even
370
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:37,940
dating anymore. She's
371
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:37,940
moving back to Canada.
372
00:08:38,010 --> 00:08:39,680
What?
373
00:08:38,010 --> 00:08:39,680
Oh, God.
374
00:08:39,750 --> 00:08:40,910
Okay, hey. What's
375
00:08:39,750 --> 00:08:40,910
happening here?
376
00:08:41,450 --> 00:08:44,750
Ron and I are going
377
00:08:41,450 --> 00:08:44,750
to get a cup of coffee
378
00:08:41,450 --> 00:08:44,750
and talk things out.
379
00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:49,220
It's time for Tammy and
380
00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:49,220
me to bury the hatchet
381
00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:49,220
once and for all.
382
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,390
Everything will be fine.
383
00:08:57,700 --> 00:09:00,000
It's been like this
384
00:08:57,700 --> 00:09:00,000
for hours.
385
00:09:01,170 --> 00:09:02,760
Right there.
386
00:09:01,170 --> 00:09:02,760
Yeah. Yeah.
387
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,270
Hey, Swanson!
388
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:06,500
Snap out of it!
389
00:09:07,140 --> 00:09:08,130
Leslie.
390
00:09:08,810 --> 00:09:10,040
Congratulate us.
391
00:09:11,380 --> 00:09:13,710
Ron's got one just
392
00:09:11,380 --> 00:09:13,710
like it on his penis.
393
00:09:14,250 --> 00:09:15,620
Oh, yeah.
394
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,310
What the hell
395
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,310
happened to you?
396
00:09:18,590 --> 00:09:19,680
Well...
397
00:09:29,430 --> 00:09:30,520
Here you go.
398
00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:34,900
Rock and roll!
399
00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:34,900
Yeah, baby!
400
00:09:34,970 --> 00:09:36,160
I got it!
401
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:37,470
You may now
402
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:37,470
kiss the bride.
403
00:09:48,020 --> 00:09:50,250
It's been kind of
404
00:09:48,020 --> 00:09:50,250
a crazy night.
405
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:51,680
Come back,
406
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:51,680
come back.
407
00:09:53,990 --> 00:09:55,720
April, could you come
408
00:09:53,990 --> 00:09:55,720
in here a second?
409
00:09:56,620 --> 00:09:58,750
April, way to come in.
410
00:09:56,620 --> 00:09:58,750
Great initiative.
411
00:09:58,830 --> 00:10:00,350
You called me in.
412
00:10:00,430 --> 00:10:02,230
Listen, could you please
413
00:10:00,430 --> 00:10:02,230
call Ann Perkins
414
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:04,660
and tell her that I will
415
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:04,660
be unable to enjoy lunch
416
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:04,660
with her today,
417
00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:07,100
as I am just swamped.
418
00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:07,100
All day.
419
00:10:07,970 --> 00:10:09,230
Copy that.
420
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,630
Hi, Ann. This is April.
421
00:10:12,710 --> 00:10:16,800
I'm just calling to
422
00:10:12,710 --> 00:10:16,800
let you know that Chris
423
00:10:12,710 --> 00:10:16,800
can't make lunch today.
424
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,210
I knew you wouldn't care.
425
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,210
Good-bye.
426
00:10:20,150 --> 00:10:23,020
They started having sex
427
00:10:20,150 --> 00:10:23,020
at the court house.
428
00:10:20,150 --> 00:10:23,020
We had no choice.
429
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,850
Oh, well, I completely
430
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,850
understand.
431
00:10:25,350 --> 00:10:27,220
Chief, I need to ask
432
00:10:25,350 --> 00:10:27,220
you a huge favor.
433
00:10:27,290 --> 00:10:28,310
Leslie.
434
00:10:28,390 --> 00:10:29,910
Ron is a good man
435
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:32,150
who just got caught up
436
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:32,150
in something terrible.
437
00:10:32,230 --> 00:10:33,990
And I was hoping that
438
00:10:32,230 --> 00:10:33,990
maybe you would
439
00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:36,690
reduce his charges
440
00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:36,690
and release him
441
00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:36,690
into my custody.
442
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:39,070
All right.
443
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:41,500
But keep him away from
444
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:41,500
that crazy librarian.
445
00:10:41,570 --> 00:10:42,760
I'll do my best.
446
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,810
In fact, I don't want
447
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,810
him within 500 feet
448
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,810
of the library.
449
00:10:46,340 --> 00:10:48,000
That's good advice
450
00:10:46,340 --> 00:10:48,000
for all of us.
451
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,100
Nothing but trouble there.
452
00:10:49,180 --> 00:10:51,940
Thanks a lot, bro. Sorry.
453
00:10:49,180 --> 00:10:51,940
Hey, stop.
454
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,350
Take me back to Tammy.
455
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,350
For the millionth time, no.
456
00:10:58,420 --> 00:11:00,580
That was not the favor
457
00:10:58,420 --> 00:11:00,580
we needed to ask for, Leslie.
458
00:11:00,690 --> 00:11:03,060
If we don't get the police
459
00:11:00,690 --> 00:11:03,060
for the Harvest Festival,
460
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,520
there is no Harvest Festival.
461
00:11:04,590 --> 00:11:06,390
I know. I'll figure
462
00:11:04,590 --> 00:11:06,390
it out later.
463
00:11:06,460 --> 00:11:08,760
Can you turn
464
00:11:06,460 --> 00:11:08,760
the radio off?
465
00:11:06,460 --> 00:11:08,760
This is our song.
466
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,260
Your song is
467
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,260
Dancing on the Ceiling
468
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,260
by Lionel Richie?
469
00:11:13,170 --> 00:11:17,000
Oh, wow, look at that. You
470
00:11:13,170 --> 00:11:17,000
shaved off part of your
471
00:11:13,170 --> 00:11:17,000
mustache. That's lovely.
472
00:11:17,070 --> 00:11:20,010
I didn't shave it off.
473
00:11:17,070 --> 00:11:20,010
It rubbed off.
474
00:11:20,710 --> 00:11:22,010
From friction.
475
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:23,070
Ugh.
476
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:25,440
Ugh.
477
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:27,880
Ron Swanson, this
478
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:27,880
is an intervention.
479
00:11:27,950 --> 00:11:32,750
You have been spending the
480
00:11:27,950 --> 00:11:32,750
last 24 hours sipping on joy
481
00:11:27,950 --> 00:11:32,750
juice and tripping on Tammy.
482
00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:35,350
Well, the people in this
483
00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:35,350
room are your methadone.
484
00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:36,860
And we're here
485
00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:36,860
to get you clean.
486
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:38,990
Congratulations!
487
00:11:39,660 --> 00:11:42,650
Holy matrimony, there's
488
00:11:39,660 --> 00:11:42,650
the man of the hour.
489
00:11:42,930 --> 00:11:44,830
Jerry, what is this?
490
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:47,460
That is the set of tumblers
491
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:47,460
that I got from the registry.
492
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,870
This is an intervention.
493
00:11:48,940 --> 00:11:51,870
I thought you said on the
494
00:11:48,940 --> 00:11:51,870
phone it was a reception.
495
00:11:51,940 --> 00:11:53,970
Okay. All right,
496
00:11:51,940 --> 00:11:53,970
let's begin.
497
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,840
I would like to address
498
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,840
the goofy-looking,
499
00:11:56,910 --> 00:11:59,970
dirty-kimono-wearing,
500
00:11:56,910 --> 00:11:59,970
corn-rowed clown
501
00:11:56,910 --> 00:11:59,970
in the room.
502
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,420
If you see Ron Swanson,
503
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,420
can you give him
504
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,420
this message?
505
00:12:05,020 --> 00:12:07,150
You used to be a man.
506
00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:08,950
You need to get your
507
00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:08,950
house in order.
508
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:11,160
Look, I love you
509
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:11,160
like a brother,
510
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:14,860
but right now, I hate
511
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:14,860
you like my actual
512
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:14,860
brother, LeVondrious,
513
00:12:14,930 --> 00:12:15,990
who I hate.
514
00:12:17,230 --> 00:12:18,260
Okay, Tom.
515
00:12:18,970 --> 00:12:20,130
Ron, you look great.
516
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,230
Your skin is glowing.
517
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,230
I've never seen you so happy.
518
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:23,500
Okay, sit down.
519
00:12:24,770 --> 00:12:25,800
Andy.
520
00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:31,880
Ron, I do not really
521
00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:31,880
understand what is
522
00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:31,880
going on right now.
523
00:12:32,650 --> 00:12:35,910
But no matter what,
524
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,680
you must keep going.
525
00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:40,880
No.
526
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,360
You must stop.
527
00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:45,720
I love you, buddy.
528
00:12:46,030 --> 00:12:47,760
Follow your dreams.
529
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,620
Powerful stuff.
530
00:12:53,270 --> 00:12:55,790
April? What are
531
00:12:53,270 --> 00:12:55,790
you doing here?
532
00:12:55,940 --> 00:12:58,770
I work for your boyfriend.
533
00:12:55,940 --> 00:12:58,770
What are you doing here?
534
00:12:58,970 --> 00:13:01,470
I came to see why Chris
535
00:12:58,970 --> 00:13:01,470
stood me up for lunch,
536
00:13:01,540 --> 00:13:02,870
but I think I just
537
00:13:01,540 --> 00:13:02,870
figured it out.
538
00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:05,640
Because he doesn't like you.
539
00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:05,640
No, I'm pretty
540
00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:05,640
sure that's not it.
541
00:13:05,710 --> 00:13:08,950
Actually it's
542
00:13:05,710 --> 00:13:08,950
because I didn't call
543
00:13:05,710 --> 00:13:08,950
you deliberately.
544
00:13:09,020 --> 00:13:11,320
Which, if you ask me,
545
00:13:09,020 --> 00:13:11,320
is a fire-able offense.
546
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:12,650
So I would tell him that.
547
00:13:13,290 --> 00:13:15,310
Also, he's not into
548
00:13:13,290 --> 00:13:15,310
you sexually.
549
00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:20,720
Ann Perkins. April Ludgate.
550
00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:20,720
Literally two of my favorite
551
00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:20,720
people on earth.
552
00:13:20,930 --> 00:13:22,790
I'm sorry that I had
553
00:13:20,930 --> 00:13:22,790
to cancel lunch.
554
00:13:22,860 --> 00:13:24,390
Not at all. It's
555
00:13:22,860 --> 00:13:24,390
not a problem.
556
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:28,800
April here was very
557
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:28,800
apologetic on the phone.
558
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:28,800
She also sent me flowers.
559
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,410
April. Nice touch.
560
00:13:35,210 --> 00:13:37,440
Hello, Ron. It's Ron.
561
00:13:38,380 --> 00:13:41,180
If you're watching this,
562
00:13:38,380 --> 00:13:41,180
it means that once again
563
00:13:41,250 --> 00:13:43,120
you have danced
564
00:13:41,250 --> 00:13:43,120
with the devil.
565
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:48,420
Right now, you're probably
566
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:48,420
thinking, "Tammy's changed.
567
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:48,420
We'll be happy together."
568
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:52,020
But you're only thinking
569
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:52,020
that because she's a
570
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:52,020
monstrous parasite
571
00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:56,620
who entered through
572
00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:56,620
your privates and lodged
573
00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:56,620
herself in your brain.
574
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,590
So you have two choices.
575
00:13:58,930 --> 00:14:00,930
One, get rid of Tammy,
576
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:04,330
or two, lobotomy
577
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:04,330
and castration.
578
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,170
Choose wisely.
579
00:14:06,710 --> 00:14:08,270
You stupid.
580
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,610
This is a waste of time.
581
00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:14,880
You people have no idea
582
00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:14,880
what you're talking about.
583
00:14:15,350 --> 00:14:18,150
That was you on the tape.
584
00:14:15,350 --> 00:14:18,150
That was you talking.
585
00:14:18,420 --> 00:14:20,080
Ron? Ron!
586
00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:23,450
Ron. There you are.
587
00:14:26,460 --> 00:14:28,930
Ron. Stop it. God, please.
588
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,690
Ron, don't do that.
589
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,690
Oh, it's done, Leslie.
590
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:36,230
Tammy and I are in love,
591
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:36,230
and we're gonna start
592
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:36,230
a family together.
593
00:14:36,340 --> 00:14:38,360
In fact, she's ovulating.
594
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,900
So if you'll excuse us,
595
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,900
we're heading off on
596
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,900
our honeymoon.
597
00:14:41,980 --> 00:14:44,610
Wow. Where are
598
00:14:41,980 --> 00:14:44,610
you going?
599
00:14:41,980 --> 00:14:44,610
Jerry.
600
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:48,150
We're gonna spend 11 days
601
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:48,150
in my cabin in the woods.
602
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:52,850
We bought 10 cases of
603
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:52,850
Gatorade and a 40-pound
604
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:52,850
bag of peanuts for energy.
605
00:14:52,950 --> 00:14:54,250
Oh, God.
606
00:14:52,950 --> 00:14:54,250
Give me it.
607
00:14:56,990 --> 00:14:58,520
Okay. Excuse me.
608
00:14:59,330 --> 00:15:01,300
Oh, yeah. Oh, God.
609
00:15:03,330 --> 00:15:04,730
Ann and I are headed out
610
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,740
and I just wanted to thank you
611
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,740
for everything today,
612
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,100
and I will see you tomorrow.
613
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:11,370
Hi, Chris.
614
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:16,110
Ron Swanson has sent
615
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:16,110
me over to deliver to
616
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:16,110
you this document.
617
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,770
"To whom it may concern,
618
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,770
dear Chris,
619
00:15:20,650 --> 00:15:22,980
"there is an emergency
620
00:15:20,650 --> 00:15:22,980
regarding the
621
00:15:20,650 --> 00:15:22,980
Parks Department,
622
00:15:23,050 --> 00:15:26,020
"and April may just be
623
00:15:23,050 --> 00:15:26,020
the only person who can help.
624
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:30,060
"I can't get into details
625
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:30,060
because it's super-classified.
626
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,030
"Please release April
627
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,030
back to us permanently.
628
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:33,980
"God bless America.
629
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:37,360
"Love, Bert Macklin, FBI."
630
00:15:38,530 --> 00:15:41,130
What?
631
00:15:38,530 --> 00:15:41,130
Okay. Well, bye.
632
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:42,430
April, listen.
633
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,440
If you don't want to
634
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,440
work for me, I'm not
635
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,440
gonna force you.
636
00:15:45,510 --> 00:15:47,000
You didn't have
637
00:15:45,510 --> 00:15:47,000
to do this.
638
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:48,100
She didn't do that.
639
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:48,100
That was...
640
00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:49,840
Dude, I think it sounds
641
00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:49,840
like it was Macklin's call.
642
00:15:50,310 --> 00:15:51,470
Look, I get it.
643
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:54,680
You're young,
644
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:54,680
and trying isn't cool.
645
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:55,980
But I think
646
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:55,980
you're smart.
647
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,710
I'm gonna be going back
648
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,710
to Indianapolis soon,
649
00:15:58,790 --> 00:16:01,220
and I think you should
650
00:15:58,790 --> 00:16:01,220
come work for me.
651
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,190
Wow, move all the
652
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,190
way to Indianapolis,
653
00:16:04,260 --> 00:16:06,750
so I can pick up your
654
00:16:04,260 --> 00:16:06,750
vitamins and supplements.
655
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:08,830
Everybody starts somewhere.
656
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:12,360
You'll travel,
657
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:12,360
and you will meet
658
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:12,360
interesting people.
659
00:16:13,130 --> 00:16:14,300
Think about it.
660
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,400
Okay. I will.
661
00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:21,910
Apparently he wants
662
00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:21,910
April to move to
663
00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:21,910
Indianapolis with him.
664
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,640
So that's something.
665
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,010
I hope you're happy.
666
00:16:29,750 --> 00:16:32,550
Look, I just wanted to
667
00:16:29,750 --> 00:16:32,550
show him what it felt like
668
00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:35,250
to have your ex-wife
669
00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:35,250
date someone you know.
670
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,590
Whatever happened after
671
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,590
that is not my fault.
672
00:16:37,660 --> 00:16:38,750
Yes, it is.
673
00:16:38,830 --> 00:16:42,790
Tom, you did a really
674
00:16:38,830 --> 00:16:42,790
crappy thing, and I think
675
00:16:38,830 --> 00:16:42,790
deep down, you know that.
676
00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:46,200
Whatever happens to
677
00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:46,200
Ron Swanson is on you.
678
00:16:52,870 --> 00:16:54,930
Excuse me, chief.
679
00:16:52,870 --> 00:16:54,930
Sorry to interrupt.
680
00:16:55,010 --> 00:16:56,500
Hey, calzone boy, what's up?
681
00:16:57,580 --> 00:17:00,910
Well, here's hoping
682
00:16:57,580 --> 00:17:00,910
that that nickname
683
00:16:57,580 --> 00:17:00,910
doesn't stick. Right?
684
00:17:03,350 --> 00:17:05,620
But that's not
685
00:17:03,350 --> 00:17:05,620
why I'm here.
686
00:17:05,790 --> 00:17:08,720
Leslie Knope asked you
687
00:17:05,790 --> 00:17:08,720
for a favor the other day,
688
00:17:08,790 --> 00:17:10,280
but the real favor we
689
00:17:08,790 --> 00:17:10,280
need is much bigger.
690
00:17:10,790 --> 00:17:12,850
You mean, like
691
00:17:10,790 --> 00:17:12,850
calzone size?
692
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:13,980
Ah!
693
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,590
Sure.
694
00:17:16,930 --> 00:17:19,490
We need the Pawnee
695
00:17:16,930 --> 00:17:19,490
police force to
696
00:17:16,930 --> 00:17:19,490
volunteer as security
697
00:17:19,570 --> 00:17:22,000
during the upcoming
698
00:17:19,570 --> 00:17:22,000
Harvest Festival.
699
00:17:22,070 --> 00:17:23,970
Now, the city won't let us
700
00:17:22,070 --> 00:17:23,970
throw the festival unless...
701
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:25,600
Say no more.
702
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,040
Just send me a schedule
703
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,040
of how many officers
704
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,040
you need and when.
705
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:30,240
Really? Just like that?
706
00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:32,800
Leslie Knope gets as
707
00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:32,800
many favors as she needs.
708
00:17:33,650 --> 00:17:34,780
Can I ask why?
709
00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:38,950
Because she's the kind
710
00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:38,950
of a person who uses favors
711
00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:38,950
to help other people.
712
00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:42,590
And also, my buddy Dave
713
00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:42,590
was the crankiest bastard
714
00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:42,590
in the department
715
00:17:42,660 --> 00:17:43,680
till he started dating Leslie.
716
00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:45,920
So she...
717
00:17:47,060 --> 00:17:49,190
Okay. Are they
718
00:17:47,060 --> 00:17:49,190
still dating or...
719
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,770
No. Moved to
720
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,770
San Diego a year ago.
721
00:17:54,670 --> 00:17:56,100
Was it a serious thing, or...
722
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,970
What do you care?
723
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,970
You a pervert?
724
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,970
Nope, nope. I'm all good.
725
00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:02,670
Everything's fine.
726
00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:02,670
This is fine.
727
00:18:05,110 --> 00:18:07,310
Don't think I won't do it.
728
00:18:05,110 --> 00:18:07,310
I'll wear this to work.
729
00:18:09,780 --> 00:18:12,080
All right, one more.
730
00:18:09,780 --> 00:18:12,080
What's in here, huh?
731
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,250
A new library card?
732
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,420
Read the name.
733
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,420
"Tammy Swanson Swanson."
734
00:18:19,190 --> 00:18:21,320
You guys, that's amazing.
735
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,660
Well, you about ready
736
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,660
to go, my love?
737
00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:27,860
Yeah.
738
00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:27,860
Wait, wait, Ron! Stop!
739
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,600
Tom?
740
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,600
Jerry, what the hell?
741
00:18:30,570 --> 00:18:32,400
Don't do it.
742
00:18:30,570 --> 00:18:32,400
She doesn't love you.
743
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,370
You don't know what
744
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,370
you're talking about.
745
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,370
What are you doing here?
746
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:37,570
Yes, I do, okay?
747
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:40,210
When I asked her to
748
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:40,210
be my date, she cackled
749
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:40,210
for a full minute
750
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,250
and said, and I quote,
751
00:18:42,950 --> 00:18:45,250
"Anything to make
752
00:18:42,950 --> 00:18:45,250
Ron miserable."
753
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,580
It's not real, man.
754
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,580
She's just messing with you.
755
00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:51,250
He's lying, Ron.
756
00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:51,250
Stay out of this, Glenn.
757
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:53,190
It's Tom! And I'm not lying.
758
00:18:53,490 --> 00:18:55,520
I'm not gonna let you
759
00:18:53,490 --> 00:18:55,520
destroy Ron. You're
760
00:18:53,490 --> 00:18:55,520
just gonna have to...
761
00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:56,690
Ow!
762
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:57,790
Ow!
763
00:18:59,130 --> 00:19:00,900
He's attacking me,
764
00:18:59,130 --> 00:19:00,900
Ron! Kill him!
765
00:19:10,110 --> 00:19:12,240
Yeah! Do your worst, Glenn!
766
00:19:12,310 --> 00:19:13,800
You're gonna have to
767
00:19:12,310 --> 00:19:13,800
do better than that.
768
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:20,250
Why are you hitting yourself,
769
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:20,250
Glenn? Stop hitting yourself.
770
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,090
Tammy, that's enough!
771
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,250
What?
772
00:19:23,690 --> 00:19:25,060
Hey, baby.
773
00:19:26,060 --> 00:19:27,320
You almost had me.
774
00:19:28,230 --> 00:19:29,490
Again.
775
00:19:29,730 --> 00:19:33,500
But seeing you pick
776
00:19:29,730 --> 00:19:33,500
on this pathetic,
777
00:19:29,730 --> 00:19:33,500
defenseless little man...
778
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:34,630
Hey.
779
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,330
...reminded me what
780
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,330
kind of a monster you are.
781
00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:38,030
You're a joke.
782
00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:40,010
You're not even
783
00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:40,010
a man anymore.
784
00:19:40,070 --> 00:19:43,910
Oh, and by the way,
785
00:19:40,070 --> 00:19:43,910
last night, I faked
786
00:19:40,070 --> 00:19:43,910
four out of the seven.
787
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:46,910
So did I.
788
00:19:47,850 --> 00:19:48,940
Let's go, son.
789
00:19:56,190 --> 00:19:57,350
Hey.
790
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,690
Sorry about the whole mess.
791
00:19:58,790 --> 00:20:02,530
The crisis has been averted,
792
00:19:58,790 --> 00:20:02,530
so let's go talk to the chief.
793
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:03,760
I already talked to him.
794
00:20:03,860 --> 00:20:05,660
They'll give us the hours
795
00:20:03,860 --> 00:20:05,660
we need, no problem.
796
00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:08,300
Great. What
797
00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:08,300
a relief.
798
00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:08,300
Yeah.
799
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,710
Hey, are you hungry?
800
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,710
I haven't eaten.
801
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,710
You know, yeah.
802
00:20:12,810 --> 00:20:15,710
There's a really
803
00:20:12,810 --> 00:20:15,710
great calzone place
804
00:20:12,810 --> 00:20:15,710
over in "Idiotville."
805
00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:17,870
Oh, really?
806
00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:17,870
Down on "Terrible
807
00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:17,870
Idea Avenue."
808
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,000
Okay. That's weird.
809
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,980
'Cause I thought it was
810
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,980
on "Beating-a-Dead-Horse
811
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,980
Boulevard."
812
00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:24,920
Calzones are pointless.
813
00:20:25,620 --> 00:20:27,050
They're just pizza
814
00:20:25,620 --> 00:20:27,050
that's harder to eat.
815
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,390
No one likes them.
816
00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:30,680
Good day, sir.
817
00:20:31,090 --> 00:20:32,890
Leslie, I...
818
00:20:31,090 --> 00:20:32,890
You know, I...
819
00:20:33,990 --> 00:20:35,360
I'm just kidding.
820
00:20:33,990 --> 00:20:35,360
Let's go.
821
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,660
Okay. That was funny.
822
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:43,560
High and tight.
823
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:46,770
Do you think it's
824
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:46,770
gonna leave a scar?
825
00:20:47,110 --> 00:20:48,510
Tom, women like scars.
826
00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:50,300
Shows you survived
827
00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:50,300
an attack,
828
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,350
and they'll assume
829
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,350
the attack was from a man.
830
00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:56,440
Sorry, Ron,
831
00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:56,440
about everything.
832
00:20:58,620 --> 00:21:01,180
To true love. May
833
00:20:58,620 --> 00:21:01,180
we both find it.
834
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,990
I'll drink to that.
835
00:21:04,890 --> 00:21:05,950
Nice glasses.
836
00:21:06,430 --> 00:21:07,760
Wedding present from Jerry.
837
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,090
You're not gonna
838
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,090
return them?
839
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,260
Nah, too much hassle.
45403
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