Original subtitles

Okay,

Jerry, what have you chosen

to put in the time capsule?

These are my

mother's diaries.

Wow.

Yeah, she lived in

Pawnee all of her life

and recorded

everything she ever did.

Yeah, so it's,

you know, kind of like

a living document

about the town.

Mmm. A disappointingly

good idea from Jerry.

Better than good, Jerry.

Perfect.

Give me that.

"January 18, 1964.

"Jerrold starred in

his school production

of Peter Pan.

"He was

a beautiful Tinker Bell."

It was an all-boys school.

Jerry!

Hey, Leslie,

I have an idea.

Why don't we put

Eduardo in there

and seal the top

so that he suffocates

and dies?

Okay, Tom, you're up.

For my item, I chose a picture

of my ex-girlfriend Lucy

with a mustache

drawn on her face

and stink lines

coming off her,

'cause she stinks.

She broke up with me.

Didn't really tell me why.

Luckily, when you're the guy,

you can just tell people

she's crazy.

"Hey, Tom, I heard

you and Lucy broke up."

"Yeah, man.

Turns out she's crazy."

That's what they always

do on Entourage.

Ron?

I am submitting this menu

from a Pawnee institution,

JJ's diner,

home of the world's

best breakfast dish,

The Four Horse-meals

of the Egg-pork-calypse.

Wendy loves it, too.

And I am

submitting this.

A brief history of everything

that has ever happened

since Pawnee was founded.

Not like you get

extra credit for this,

but I did type it from memory.

And for the first

time ever compiled,

it includes a complete list

of every official town

slogan we've ever had.

Oh, my God, Leslie.

I know.

Can you believe it?

That's crazy.

Isn't it?

"Pawnee:

The Paris of America."

"Pawnee: The Akron

of Southwest Indiana."

"Pawnee:

Welcome, German soldiers."

After the Nazis took France,

our mayor kind of panicked.

"Pawnee: The factory

fire capital of America."

"Pawnee: Welcome,

Vietnamese soldiers."

"Pawnee: Engage with Zorp."

For a brief time in the '70s,

our town was taken over

by a cult.

"Pawnee: Zorp is dead.

Long live Zorp."

"Pawnee:

It's safe to be here now."

"Pawnee:

Birthplace of Julia Roberts."

That was a lie, she sued,

and so we had to change it.

"Pawnee:

Home of the world-famous

Julia Roberts lawsuit."

"Pawnee:

Welcome, Taliban soldiers."

And finally,

our current slogan.

"Pawnee: First in friendship,

fourth in obesity."

Yes, Pawnee has had

its set of problems,

but this time capsule

is our way of saying

that Pawnee is gonna be around

for a long time...

Capsule.

And you can quote me on that.

I'm actually gonna

quote you on all of this,

'cause it's

a newspaper article.

I thought of

a great headline.

Great.

"It's Time to

Encapsulate the Future."

Good one.

Sub headline,

"The Parks

Department Cuts the Crapsule,

Buries the Time Capsule."

I'll be back tomorrow

with the photographer.

Okay.

Leslie, this guy's here.

Hi. Can I help you?

I'm Kelly Larson.

I read online about

your time capsule,

and I'm here to

make a suggestion.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We're not taking...

Twilight books.

It's a beautifully

told saga of vampires,

werewolves and romance.

You are the person

that's been emailing me

about Twilight.

I thought you would

be younger. And a girl.

Well, I'm not.

I'm older and a boy.

But I feel very

strongly that these should

be included.

Can I tell you why?

Sure, Kelly. Have a seat.

Awesome.

And plead your case.

Thanks.

Okay, Christmas Eve, 1973.

Author Stephenie Meyer,

née Morgan,

was born in Hartford,

Connecticut.

Oh. You're going

all the way back

to her birth. Okay.

So basically, Ann kissed me

and then April kissed me,

and I told April, because

of honesty is important.

That's so true.

But now she's gone

and gotten herself

a Venezuelan boyfriend

who's, like,

the handsomest

dude I've ever seen.

Present company excluded.

Oh, thank you.

I was talking about me.

Hey.

Ann Perkins!

Andy just gave me

a phenomenal shoeshine

and I did not know

that you two

once lived together.

Yes. Yes, we did.

Thank you for catching him up

on our history.

Andy, that was

an amazing shoeshine.

I can literally see

my face in my shoes.

See you later!

He didn't...

He didn't pay me.

Why are you

hanging out with Chris?

He just sat down.

What am I supposed to do?

He's my boss.

No, he's not.

He isn't?

God dang it.

I cannot figure out

who my boss is.

Andy, I like this guy.

Please don't do

anything weird, I beg you.

I just started dating Chris,

and I don't know how,

but Andy's gonna screw it up.

Andy screws everything up.

When we were dating,

I bought him a fish

and I don't want

to get into it,

but somehow that

fish ended up dead

in a cowboy boot.

And combined, they have

sold more than 100

million copies worldwide.

Now, have you seen any

of the Twilight movies?

No, I have not.

Well, let me

describe them to you

shot for shot.

Movie number one. Twilight.

We slowly pan up

over a mossy log

to see a deer drinking

crystal-clear water.

Okay, Kelly, this time capsule

isn't just a barrel full

of stuff that people like.

It's about life in Pawnee

at this moment in time,

and there is

nothing in Twilight

that is specific to Pawnee.

I disagree, okay?

The town of Forks, Washington

is exactly like Pawnee,

except for the climate

and the vampires.

I'm sorry. I have to say no.

I beg you to reconsider.

And I'm gonna have

to ask you to leave.

Then I'm gonna

have to do this.

He brought handcuffs with him.

This whole thing was planned.

I think it's kind of cool.

It's not cool.

It's trespassing,

and that is

breaking the rules.

Cool people make the rules.

They don't break the rules.

And if those kids want

you to break the rules,

they're not

really your friends.

Whoa, who are you

even talking about?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

I'm just annoyed.

But while we're

on the subject,

your friend Orrin,

with the long black nails

and the cloak?

He concerns me.

He's a genius.

I'll take care

of this trespasser.

Give me 30 seconds.

I'm just gonna call security.

Guys, can we push

the meeting an hour?

What's going on?

Some guy handcuffed himself

to a pipe in my office

because we wouldn't

put a copy of Twilight

in the time capsule.

Damn it. Again?

You look sad.

You look like a weird goon

who's obsessed

with a kid's book.

It's a girl, isn't it?

I can tell.

It's the look that

Mike had on his face

when Bella turned

him down for the dance.

Oh, yeah? Is it?

What look did your

mom have on her face

when she realized her son

was a complete failure?

Okay, I'll be quiet.

But I do know

something about heartbreak.

And you know who else does?

Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds?

No.

A little lady

named Twilight author

Stephenie Meyer.

Trust me.

You should listen to him.

Those books are good.

Oh, I love any

book about vampires,

werewolves, monsters, zombies,

sorcerers, beasties

or time-traveling romances.

And if I had an hour alone

with Robert Pattinson,

he would forget all

about Skinnylegs McGee.

I'll tell you that much.

Okay, buddy, time is up.

Give us the keys.

They're hidden

somewhere very far away.

Then we're gonna

have to cut you loose.

Why? I'm not doing

anything wrong.

Yes, you are.

You're trespassing.

Well, the fact remains

this is perfectly legal.

No, it's not.

You're trespassing.

Look, I really don't want

to cause any trouble,

but I am not gonna leave

until you put Twilight

in the time capsule.

This muscle-headed

Stormtrooper doesn't scare me.

Go ahead, Artie.

No! No! No! No! No!

Please!

No! No! No! No! No! No!

Get him away from me!

I am very scared of you!

All right! Okay!

All right! All right!

All right! Stop.

If he wants to stay in there,

I'll let him stay in there.

In two hours,

he's gonna be so

hungry and freaked out,

he's gonna be

begging me to...

He brought a pillow.

Hey, Leslie, I'm making

some Sleepytime tea.

Do you want any?

Hey, dude, wake up, man.

Oh, morning, Tom.

Twilight is dope.

I told you.

I couldn't put it down.

It was like she was

peering into my soul.

Sing it, friend. Here.

Book two. Twilight: New Moon.

Get cracking.

There's a second book?

And a third and a fourth.

No way.

It's fantastic.

Yeah.

I worked really hard.

I did every pair that I could.

I didn't know

what to do with these.

I think they're gloves.

No, no, no, no.

Those are sports sandals.

They are for adventure racing.

They perfectly

contour to the human foot,

and the human foot

is the ultimate technology.

Dude,

that is the coolest sentence

I've ever heard somebody talk.

So you love April,

and she has a new boyfriend,

right?

You got all of

that from a picture?

No, you told me yesterday.

Andy, I want to

help you win her over.

Why do I want to help him?

Because he's a good person.

I love good people.

Hey, you know who should

wear these shoes?

Monkeys.

Well, this is an

interesting turn of events.

Is it? I don't know.

I mean, I guess it's

kind of interesting.

What the real story is

is how wonderful

our time capsule is

and how it

perfectly encapsulates,

a word I really

think you should use,

what our town is all about.

Hey, how's this

for a headline?

"Parks Department

Foiled by Pipe Dreams."

God, that's

an amazing headline,

but please don't

write that story.

The key to April's heart

is within you, Andy.

You need to tap

in to the aspects

of your personality

that she once found attractive

to make yourself

the best version of yourself.

What's great about you?

I'm nice.

Good! Nice.

What else?

I'm in a band.

Band!

What else?

That's it.

Am I team Edward? Yes.

Do I share his concerns

about turning Bella, though?

Absolutely not.

Edward's primary goal,

at all times,

is Bella's protection.

Can you please,

please be quiet?

Sorry. Sorry.

Let's keep it down.

Be considerate.

Look at it this way, Tom.

Bella's love for Edward

is being tested.

By Jacob?

Mmm. Not exactly.

The Volturi?

Yes.

Okay, you know what?

All right.

I'm gonna go do my work

in the conference room,

'cause you guys are the worst.

You seem tense, Leslie.

You know what you should do?

Read Twilight?

Read Twilight. Here.

Yeah, thanks.

Sometimes I think

she's in the Volturi.

Good morning, Kelly.

Oh, morning, Leslie.

Hope you don't mind,

I moved myself

over to this pipe.

It's a little

more comfortable.

No problem.

Did you have a nice night?

Sleep well?

It was all right, considering.

Picked you up some coffee.

Thank you so much.

Well, you seem pretty

chipper this morning.

I am, Kelly,

because I know

why you're here.

You know what I did

last night?

Read Twilight,

and it transformed your life

and you're gonna put

it in the time capsule?

Well, I read

the first 10 pages.

I couldn't really

get into it, though.

More of a Harry Potter

girl myself.

What?

But I looked in

the inside cover,

and I saw this.

Did a little research,

and Liz Waverly

is 12 years old,

a straight-A student

at King Philip Middle.

She's also a member of many

Twilight

Internet message boards,

and I'm guessing

your daughter?

Is that why you did this?

To impress your daughter?

Liz's mom and I divorced

a couple years ago,

and it's been

really hard on her.

She loves Twilight.

So, I read about your

time capsule and I thought

that if I could

somehow convince you

to get it in there,

I'd be a big hero.

That's really sweet.

You should have told

me you were doing this

for your daughter.

I didn't want to

drag her into it.

I'm sorry.

This is a mistake.

You don't have to put Twilight

in the time capsule.

I think we should put Twilight

in the time capsule.

Leslie, no. We don't

negotiate with weirdoes.

Yeah, what happened to,

"A perfect encapsulation

of life in Pawnee"?

Well, for that guy,

life in Pawnee is him

and his daughter

reading that book.

Besides, I can get

Shauna on board.

It would make a great

human interest story.

Uh, if this gets out,

every time you want

to do anything,

some guy's gonna

come into your office

and handcuff

himself to a pipe.

Well, yeah,

that's a good point.

Then we shall

bring the pipe to them.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

What does that mean?

Crackpot convention.

So that's what

today's forum is for.

We're gonna hear suggestions

from everyone,

and then whichever items

we generally agree on

will go into the time capsule.

Please remember,

this is a government project,

so we need to refrain

from corporate promotion

and religious items.

Who'd like to start?

I think we should

put in the Bible.

Great.

Eduardo.

Hi, Eduardo.

I want to apologize.

Just because you're

dating my soul mate

doesn't give me any

right to be a jerk to you.

I promise from now on,

I'm just gonna be

super nice to you.

Thank you for saying that.

You're welcome.

What CDs are those?

Mouse Rat.

My band. It's our

latest album. Yeah.

You like music?

What are you listening to?

The Smiths.

Very depressing!

April's making you

listen to that?

Mmm.

She's really into

that indie stuff.

I'm more of a

Dave Matthews guy myself.

David Matthews!

Crash into Me!

Yes! I love that song.

Here you go, here.

Take one. Check us out.

We're amazing,

so let me know how

much you like us.

Yeah, gracias.

That means "thank you"?

Yes.

Nailed it.

So, we have one very

moving case for Twilight.

Anyone else? Great.

Two people for Twilight.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm Marcia Langman,

from the Society for Family

Stability Foundation.

This book

contains pagan creatures

and strong sexual overtones.

There are girls quivering.

There are boys staring

deeply into girls' eyes

as they quiver, and so forth.

There really is

a tremendous amount

of quivering.

It is anti-Christian,

it is pro-quivering,

and the government

has no business promoting it.

I totally disagree.

Well, now we have

two people for Twilight.

Absolutely not.

I'm with the National

Civil Liberties Association.

That book actually contains

overt Christian themes,

and as such,

has no business being

associated with any

government project.

So too Christian,

and not Christian enough?

Do you see the irony here?

No? Okay. Uh...

Donna, why don't you put

a question mark

next to Twilight?

No! You promised!

You promised?

That's not fair!

Wait, it's not

a question of fairness.

It's...

Go back to Russia, commie!

Hey, you go back to Russia!

You go back to

wherever you came from!

Why would I go to Russia?

I have no interest

in traveling to Russia.

Can I just say that?

And who else?

I would like to

include my favorite book,

Crazy from the Heat,

the David Lee Roth story.

Well, I think if we're

gonna be adding a book

to the time capsule,

it would probably be Twilight.

I don't care about Twilight.

Why is this only

about his favorite book?

I want my favorite

book in there.

Okay, I have an idea.

Two time capsules.

One that totally encapsulates

what's happening

right now in Pawnee

in this moment in time

and the other one

that's just for items

of personal significance,

like Twilight.

No Twilight!

Yes, Twilight!

Hey.

Thanks for coming.

I only have a second.

I have to get to work.

Bella's going on

her first hunt.

I just don't get why

you broke up with me.

Is it 'cause I'm

not cool enough?

Like the normal kids compared

to the vampires?

Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob

type situation,

where you like me but there's

someone else you like more?

Uh...

It's nothing

to do with Twilight.

It just didn't work out.

Okay?

Well, what difference

does it make?

If we stayed together,

you probably

would have just

dumped me for Ron.

Actually, that's the reason.

I believe you when you say

that you're not in love

with Wendy anymore,

but you're definitely not cool

with her dating Ron.

You talk about it constantly.

Well, I can't help it, okay?

I mean, he's so manly,

and he's my boss.

Imagine if your boss

was Angelina Jolie,

and then one day,

she just started

dating your ex-boyfriend.

Wouldn't that freak

you out a little bit?

Well, not if I had

a great new boyfriend,

dumbass.

Look, Tom, I like you.

You're really cute

and you're funny,

and you're small enough

for me to throw you around.

So if you ever

work through this,

then give me a call.

My grandmother lived

in Pawnee for 60 years,

and I wanna put her ashes

in the time capsule.

My cat, Turnip,

was the greatest cat ever,

and I'd like to put his ashes

in the time capsule.

For the last time,

and I won't say this again,

there will be no

human or feline ashes

in either one

of the time capsules.

Except for Turnip!

No chanting.

Look, we don't know

what the world

is going to be

like in 50 years.

We could all

have been wiped out

from disease or the flu.

So what's your suggestion?

I don't know.

I'm just scared.

Hey.

Aw!

Andy!

I got two microphones,

a four-track recorder

and every bass tab

to Dave Matthews ever.

We're gonna jam for,

like, nine hours.

Is that cool?

Yeah.

All right.

That's ridiculous.

Now, why should

the Bill of Rights be

in the official time capsule,

but this painting of my dog is

in time capsule seven?

Well, I think

pet paintings/ashes

are in time capsule four.

No, that's baseball cards.

No, baseball cards are

in time capsule nine,

childhood memorabilia.

Honestly, Twilight could go

in almost any of

these categories.

Oh, shut up, Kelly!

Make me, Bob!

Okay, let's take

a 10-minute break!

Oh, God.

This time capsule's

tearing this town apart.

You're leaving soon.

Can I blame it on

you in the press?

Sure.

Well, I gotta say,

I think it's

kind of impressive.

I've been to a lot of towns.

Usually people don't

care about anything.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

These people are weirdoes,

but they're weirdoes who care.

Excuse me, everyone.

I realize things have gotten

a little out of control,

and that's Ben's fault,

and he's sorry.

But I have an idea,

and if you like it,

I think we can

end this right now.

"Dear Pawnee of the future,

"congratulations.

"You have found a time capsule

that was buried

over 50 years ago.

"We wanted to include

a collection of items

that would best represent

"what life was like

in our town at that moment.

"Instead,

you'll find only one item,

"a video recording

of a public forum we held

"in order to determine

just what those

items would be.

"This is truly

what life was like.

"A lot of people

with a lot of opinions

"arguing passionately

for what they believed in.

"So enjoy watching it,

assuming you still

have electricity.

"And sorry about the weird

blank gap in the middle.

"A man named Jerry Gergich

screwed up

the recording somehow.

"He had one job to do.

"Sincerely,

Pawnee of the past."

Is Eduardo coming?

No, he went

back to Venezuela.

Oh, that sucks.

He was a really good bassist.

I was actually

starting to like him.

I know.

That's what made me

start to hate him.

Hey. Nice and band

totally worked.

Have you enjoyed

your time with Andy?

Yeah, he's great.

And he told me

how great you are.

And he told me

that I would be crazy

to let you get away.

He did, huh?

He did.

And also, there is

a pretzel stand over there

that serves, literally,

the best pretzel

I've ever had.

Would you like one?

Absolutely.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Tom.

Tom.

Listen, I've never

seen this before,

so I'd really

appreciate it if no one,

like, talked

or texted or anything.

Okay.

Ooh!

Hey.

Hey, Leslie, thanks

for setting this up.

Dude, what did I just say?

Hey, I was the guy

who introduced you to...

How about you shut up?