Original subtitles

Wh-What's going on here?

I-I don't know.

I've never seen an event like this.

The city of Ted is on fire?!

"Chance of Survival 0.1%"

Run!

Hurry!

Wh-What?

What's wrong? What happened?

Shut up! Outta my way!

Excuse me! Could you tell me what--

Get out of my way!

Someone tell me what's happening!

This is what happens in a panic.

Everyone's looking out for themselves. They won't stop to explain everything to you.

But this is a game!

Look. Let's ask the blacksmith while he fixes your sword.

Pardon me, but

my sword is rusted.

Could you remove the rust?

Are you stupid? This ain't no time for that!

Then could you just explain what's going on?

Are you asking for real?

Well...

The damn goblins attacked!

The goblins?

But isn't this city surrounded by a moat so the goblins can't get in?

Yes. It's supposed to be.

The biggest drought in 50 years dried up the moat!

So those things took the opportunity to attack!

A goblin assault. I never knew that could happen.

So I'll finally get to fight a monster!

Um, could you remove the rust after all?

Weren't you listening? Ain't no time!

If you remove the rust, I can fight the goblins!

Not my problem! It's your fault for neglecting your blade!

But it was rusted when I got it!

It wasn't your sword? Where'd you find it?

My room.

Are you screwing with me?!

Argh! I've wasted enough time on this idiot!

There's a whetstone right there! Do it yourself!

Um... how do I do it?

Scrape the whetstone from the hilt to the tip of the sword! Idiot!

Scrape it with the whetstone?

L-Like this?

This rust is pretty tough.

Run!

This way!

Go, go!

Hurry!

They're here!

It's a goblin!

Help!

Please!

Screw it!

Wh-What's wrong, Hiro?

What isn't wrong?

What kind of RPG protagonist stands by

just going scrape, scrape, scrape while the town is attacked?

But you need to remove the rust to use the sword.

It'll still do as a club!

St-St-Stop!

Absolutely not!

Goblins have ogre-like strength!

Even though they're smaller.

R-Reona?

You have no chance of winning!

You're 120% sure to die!

B-But the townspeople!

Hiro, stay calm and listen.

I need to tell you something.

If you die in Kiwame Quest, something terrible will happen to you.

C-Come to think of it...

I don't know what happens if I die!

D-Don't tell me...

If I die in the game...

...do I die in real life, too?

You read too much manga!

The game does pursue ultimate realism,

but that whole death game thing is just ridiculous!

Th-Then what is it?

You break something.

Break something?

Like a part of my body?

No, what I mean is, if you die while playing KQ...

Bam!

...both your console and your game break!

What?

Not just the game but the console, too?!

That's right!

What the hell?!

Seriously, how did that design not become a huge problem?

Hiro, I'm sure you already had an inkling, but

this is the ultimate shitty game.

Reona...

you finally acknowledged it.

If the player dies, the console dies, too.

Over the past ten years, many users have filed lawsuits over the death system.

"Techno Mosuke Inc." "Suing a Game Company?"

Though the company apparently used its massive power and wealth

"Techno Mosuke Inc." "Suing a Game Company?"

to quash any problems.

to quash any problems.

The outcry even extended to retail stores, which were flooded with claims.

"Returned"

The outcry even extended to retail stores, which were flooded with claims.

"Returned"

Furthermore, various other problems were manifest,

Furthermore, various other problems were manifest,

so soon after release, KQ was buried as a next-level supremely shitty full-dive RPG.

Now you get why you'd have to pay someone to take it off your hands, right?

Then why did you sell it to me at list price?

Anyway,

let's log out for now.

Huh?

It's not very good to rely on game guides, but goblins are crazy strong.

Let's take a look at the Auberdine Walkthrough.

Ahuh...

Now then, triple tap.

"Save your adventure and quit the game?"

Thank goodness. It's still possible to save.

Okay, let's bail.

U-Um, just one peek!

Can I just take one little peek at a goblin?

Fine. But just a quick look.

Thanks!

I-It's so realistic!

You could think it's a newly discovered animal!

Hey, not so loud!

Oh, man! I can't wait to battle this thing!

Mommy!

Reona! A little girl!

W-Wait, Hiro!

You'll die if you fight it!

Is that what you want? The console list price is 100,000 yen!

FYI, I sell it for 129,800 yen!

That's highway robbery!

If my console does break, no way am I buying from you!

Anyway, let's approach this rationally!

The girl is only an NPC! She's just a software simulation of human intellect!

Don't put it so coldly!

She looks just like a little girl!

Besides...

Never again.

Just because it's an NPC,

I can't just let a person die or be killed in front of me.

I don't want any more death.

H-Hiro...

Are you...

a lolicon?

Seriously?! No!

Oh, look!

It's the Guard! The City Guard is here!

Damned monster!

Stay back or we'll chop you up!

Y-You bastard!

Take th--

Wh-What the hell?!

Also, I just said no more death, and two people immediately died!

Do you get how fearsome goblins are now?

That's the first monster you fight?

Nearly all players who managed to leave Ted avoided fighting the goblins.

O-Oh, I see.

But can I do that in this situation?

H-Have any players ever defeated a goblin?

To my knowledge, just two: Kamui and SHOW HEY.

I know about Kamui, but who's this SHOW HEY?

Shouhei Aida. In real life he became the Oriental and Pacific Boxing Champion.

Say what?

When asked in an interview to name the strongest boxer he'd ever faced,

"Save your adventure and quit the game?"

was supposedly his answer!

Come on! Goblins aren't boxers!

A-Anyway, I'm gonna save them!

Are you serious? Do you wanna die?

I'll find a moment to help them escape!

I think that might be doable!

Man, Hiro. Where's all this fire coming from?

Fine. If you do die and ruin your console, I'll give you a discount--105,000 yen.

The discount price is still above list price...

But first...

The blacksmith left those behind.

Let's change those pants.

That old dude's pants?

Don't like the idea of that.

Would you rather go out there reeking of ammonia?

I-Isn't time of the essence?

Do it right now! Put them on!

I'm sick of the smell! You've reeked this whole time!

Mommy! Help me!

I'm invisible, so I'll distract him.

You use that time to save the girl.

G-Got it.

We can at least save the girl.

There was nothing we could do.

Don't dwell on it.

Maybe if we hadn't stopped to change pants...

No! Focus!

Focus on saving the girl!

Okay. Here I go!

Take this!

Now!

Come on!

All right! It worked!

Th-There were two?!

I-It's all over.

Who was I kidding?

Are you okay?

Kaede?

Run!

What?

Listen, you have to run!

I'm right here! Go after me!

Bastard!

C-Come on!

Wh-What just happened?

That was amazing, Hiro!

That was pro athlete-level dashing!

I-I'm not sure how I did it. Though I've always been a fast runner.

Was it the power of adrenaline?

But I'm in the game world.

So was it a bug in the game?

Despite my display, the situation hasn't changed at all.

I guess this is it.

No, we're saved!

Tesla!

Hiro, are you all right?

Yeah, but...

Lightning Extreme!

I-Incredible!

Possessing superhuman agility due to natural talent and intensive training,

he's the strongest Guardsman in Ted!

Tesla Wolff Carmine!

Also known as "Thundering Tesla," after the lightning-like look of his gold armor.

He's the strongest NPC you meet in the early game.

You've done your homework.

Because he's pretty.

The City Guard.

Tesla, sir! Brilliantly done!

Escort this girl to her home.

The rest of you, start dealing with the burning homes.

Yes, sir!

Let's get you home. dear.

O-Okay.

I actually feel a little like an RPG hero now.

Hero, a new title!

It says, "Lolita Complex Best Friend Killer: Amicide Who Likes Little Girls."

What the hell?!

Now, now. Looking at it objectively, even I thought so.

I thought, "I bet he wants that girl to like him."

What is wrong with you?!

Ugh, you totally ruined the moment.

Oh, shit! NPCs can't see Reona. He'll think I'm crazy!

Hiro, I see you're a warrior, too.

E-Excuse me?

Perhaps it's an insensitive request, but I need as many warriors as I can get.

W-Warrior?

Hiro, you'd be well compensated. It could even just be temporary.

Would you join the City Guard as a mercenary?

A mercenary? An RPG classic!

And I'd get to fight alongside Tesla?

I will! I'd be glad to join!

Thank you.

H-Hey! Shouldn't you think about it more?

It'll be fine! Near Tesla is the safest place to be.

Well, I suppose so...

Then come with me when you're ready, Hiro.

The City Guard training grounds are on Queen Govern's estate. I'll guide you.

Right. Yes.

This feels like a save point before a big event.

This was enough for today, I think.

I'll stop here, Reona.

Oh, of course.

"Save your adventure and quit the game?"

Oh, of course.

"Save your adventure and quit the game?"

Look at the walkthr--

Look at the walkthr--

All right! It finally feels like a game!

Hey, are you still playing that shitty game?

Yeah.

How do you stand it?

Yeah, there's a lot to gripe about.

But get this. Supposedly, if you die, the game breaks your console.

Wait, what?! I don't even know where to begin.

Can you believe that?

That's beyond the category of shitty game. Like, hard pass.

No kidding.

Hiro.

You seem happy.

I-I do?

Well, they say you complain most about things you love.

Love?

I love KQ?

A ridiculous level of extreme difficulty.

Game over means the end of your console.

That it's a shitty game is an indisputable fact...

Guess I'll play some KQ when I get home.

All set.

Maybe I should check first.

"About the goblin assault"

Maybe I should check first.

"About the goblin assault"

Hmm.

"About the goblin assault"

Hmm.

"About the goblin assault"

"About the goblin assault"

Ah, here it is.

"About the goblin assault"

Hey, trash. You've really done it now.

Huh?

There are many ways to leave Ted.

The typical route is to complete many townspeople's requests, gain reputation,

and thereby obtain Queen Govern's permission to leave.

It's a hassle but it's the surest way.

Or you could flee the city

and head for Flora Castle while running from the goblins outside.

This move is only available to highly skilled martial artists.

There are yet other methods, but the worst is the goblin assault event.

The options for leaving the city are limited.

I'll reveal them, so be grateful, you dimwit!

Just as infuriating as always.

Option one: Fight with allies.

Recommended if you can get 100 total NPC and PCs.

Though you'll never get that many, you loner loser!

Chance of survival: five percent.

Option two: Hide from the goblins for four days.

You dig a hole under some house and hide in it.

But if you do, you'll never be able to leave the city.

Sucks to be you, mole bastard!

Chance of survival: ten percent.

Option three: Join the City Guard as a merc and fight alongside Telsa.

Here we go.

Actually, this is the most awful option.

Wha--?

Even I, genius that I am, find this option difficult.

For a fat, stupid, dimwitted, garbage turd like you, it's impossible.

Chance of survival: 0.1 percent.

Die!

What?!

Zero point one percent chance of survival means...

...99.9% chance to ruin my console!

Episode 8: Enlistment and Baptism.