Original subtitles

[Upbeat instrumental music]

INTERVIEWER: Why are you putting on this show?

Basically, we're trying to raise money...

for the Hollywood Area Home for Aging Animal Actors.

People forget about these animals when their careers dry up.

Murray the dog has not worked since Mad About You.

I swear I saw him panhandling outside the Petco.

Yeah, we love the animals.

The point is, we're doing an original rock musical...

Diva 2K.

We chose Diva 2K because it's hip.

It's cool. And it really rocks.

Plus, we don't need a lot of sets.

Right. But we do need professional help to get a little buzz going about the show.

Generate a little heat.

So, I got Marvin Dobbs.

Who's Marvin Dobbs?

You're kidding, right?

Marvin Dobbs.

Only one of the biggest producers in the business.

I mean, he and Mel Gibson are like this.

Why would Mr. Dobbs want to do our little benefit show?

Because he loves animals.

See.

"I love animals.

"Start casting. Marvin Dobbs, producer.

"PS: Mel wants to come.

"He's scouting new faces for Lethal Weapon: The Next Generation."

Wow!

With Marvin Dobbs producing...

Diva 2K will sell out faster than a Clippers game.

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, this musical sounds interesting. Tell me about it.

Diva 2K is about a young rock star wannabe...

and her poignant journey of self-discovery.

Think Josie and the Pussycats...

meets Gandhi.

I brought some of the guys to sit in. Make a fuss.

They just found out they were cut from Dr. Dolittle 2.

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Chloe, what are you doing here?

It's right here in this fax.

I'm the new co-producer.

So you are.

Here are the rewrites for Act 2.

It needs more tension, action, more white-knuckle excitement.

Clog dancing?

No! This is a rock and roll show!

It would raise our grade if we gave Miss Westmore a clog dancing scene.

Why stop with Miss Westmore?

I mean, let's see if our biology teacher can play the spoons?

Actually, he can make himself fit into a golf bag.

[Theme song plays]

[Upbeat instrumental music]

INTERVIEWER: Why are you waiting here to audition for the show?

When I heard Marvin Dobbs was producing the H.A.H.A.A.A. Benefit...

I was really excited.

I think I'm here for the same reason that everybody else is.

And that's to help fund a literacy program for troubled young people.

MACY: No, animals.

It's for animals.

A literacy program for animals? That's crazy!

There is no literacy.

You start teaching your pets how to read, pretty soon the dogs will be walking us.

It has nothing to do with literacy.

We're here to care for and shelter the animals.

Okay. All right. I see.

You're saying, if the animals can read, they can get an education...

and shelter themselves. That's cool.

[Upbeat rock song playing]

I am now going to do...

a dramatic reading from a classic.

[Imitating the I love Lucy show]

Lucy, you have some explaining to do.

Come on, Ricky, let me have a number in this show.

Lucy!

[Imitating Lucy's wail]

[Hip-hop dance music playing]

Who's next?

You won't believe it.

Mom?

Where's Mr. Dobbs?

He'll be watching all the auditions on tape.

Hi! Macy Carlson.

Big fan.

Okay.

I'm going to do a performance piece...

to focus on the oft-forgotten...

visually-challenged animal actors.

[Singing a nursery rhyme]

INTERVIEWER: I understand you're not a newcomer to show business.

I was actually supposed to be the original finicky kid...

in those cereal commercials.

It was supposed to be:

"Go ask Jake. He hates everything."

But sure enough, on the day of the big shoot...

my stand-in stage mother...

weasels her way into the director's trailer...

gives him a taste of her homemade cookies.

Suddenly, boom, I'm out.

And the little cookie lady's son is a national treasure.

[Continues singing nursery rhyme]

JAKE: You know, at the time...

I didn't know it was because the kid's mom was working all the angles.

I thought it was me.

Sorry.

I lost my confidence. It really shook me.

I started blowing auditions. The agent dropped me like that.

All because his mom could bake, and mine couldn't.

So, my motto is:

Talent can be delayed, but it cannot be denied.

Thank you.

[Grunting]

INTERVIEWER: Overall, were you happy with the auditions?

Basically, it went pretty well.

We saw a lot of great talent.

I just really think we're in good shape.

Are you out of your mind?

What? Why? What are you talking about?

Have you forgotten that somebody has to tell Mom and Dad they bite the big one?

[Upbeat instrumental music]

INTERVIEWER: Nice flowers.

Ha ve you heard who has the lead in the show?

They are from Mr. Dobbs. Marvin.

He said, in a perfect world, I'd get the lead.

But this is a business.

So they have to go with a star.

Which would have been me...

if Cereal Boy's mom hadn't delivered those honey-dipped ladyfingers.

Jake, it's been 30 years. Get over it.

Anyway, the point is, I was the best.

But to sell tickets, you really need someone who is better known.

And younger.

Younger?

Yeah, she's supposed to be 19...

which you could play brilliantly if you were famous.

I wonder who they got.

When I heard Marvin Dobbs wanted me for the part...

I just started crying.

I didn't even think he knew who I was.

I've always dreamt of breaking into acting.

So I got every book I could on the subject.

This one is good.

She really understands the challenge.

At first, I couldn't believe it.

After not casting me in the show...

Mr. Dobbs had the nerve to ask me to run the box office.

Like I can be bought with a basket of muffins.

But then I said to myself:

"Manuelo, you have a screenplay to sell.

"And Marvin Dobbs is the passport to Mel Gibson."

Oh, look, lemon.

Anyway, Mr. Dobbs, Marvin...

begged me to understudy the lead.

I thought you were doing the programs.

I am. But mostly, I'm the understudy.

I know that Marvin is counting on me to coach the lead actress.

You know, show her how it's done.

I get to show her how it's done because I am the director.

- I thought you were doing props. - I am.

Props and directing.

Action!

You know, roll sound.

Come on, we're losing light. Let's go!

The Subtleties of Character Development by Rob Schneider.

LARRY: Look, I don't want you to worry.

We're going to get you into a very nice petting zoo.

Please, no pictures.

Helga, baby, look...

I'm so sorry.

She hates to have you see her like this.

Out of shape, out of work.

She was a big star.

She worked with Mel in Bra veheart.

You know, in the overturned cart.

You know Babe, the movie? They were an item.

Broke her heart.

The pig.

I learned how to create my character's back-story...

from Conrad Bain's book, Get Check, Cash Check.

The script seems really complicated.

Not to worry. I directed a play back in college.

- Three Degrees of Separation. - Isn't it Six Degrees?

Small school.

I just got a memo.

Mel Gibson wants tickets.

Mel Gibson!

But he is not telling me how many.

Is he coming by himself? Is he bringing a guest?

Is he going to bring the entourage?

I need a number. This is plain inconsiderate.

Who does he think he is?

Mel Gibson!

You don't understand. I have to talk to Mel Gibson.

I need to get a body count.

If I don't get some answers, I cannot be responsible...

about what happens to his people.

They hung up.

Gibson is gonna hear about this.

INTERVIEWER: What is the best part about producing?

Free doughnuts! Look!

I got a big donation, plus all these doughnuts.

I love producing. You can get so much free stuff.

All we have to do is rewrite the big church wedding...

so it takes place in AI's doughnut shop!

You might recognize these guys.

Leeches number two, three, and five from Stand By Me.

They were on their way to stardom.

Until bad management and a certain adult home video...

ruined their careers.

Now they can't even get work on cable.

I tell you, those bloodsucking agents ruined these leeches.

MACY: Okay, let's go!

JAKE: Macy.

Sorry.

JAKE: Okay, let's go!

Come in and offer him the clam dip.

Don't forget to hold the tray up higher.

Not that high.

[Tedi clears her throat]

Excuse me, sir.

She's in the wrong place.

All right, we better give her a mark.

No, she's yellow.

Okay, let's try it again.

Wait. Wait for "action."

[Sighs]

Okay?

And act.

- Excuse me-- - No! Don't look down! Show face.

Yeah. And the tray was really too low.

Can I have one more piece of tape, please?

Pull back, all the way over your mouth.

I'm outside the gate, and they won't let me in.

Will you please tell Mr. Gibson that this is Manny Del Valle...

and that I don't want to bother him.

All I want to do is pick his seat.

Hello?

I lost the reception.

TEDI: Dip clam me, sir, offer may some excuse you I?

JAKE: Macy, the tray is fine! Leave it alone!

Larry, this play is the absolute worst!

The kids from school are coming! What am I going to do?

Call Mr. Dobbs.

I don't know if even Mr. Dobbs can help save this show.

He's got to.

There are a bunch of leeches that are counting on you guys!

Wait a minute. Where's number three?

Help me.

[Upbeat instrumental music]

Okay, we just got a fax from Mr. Dobbs. He wants us to fix Tedi's performance.

That's what happens when you go with a celebrity instead of an actress.

I guess what we'll do is rewrite it in a way that we're just sure she never speaks.

But she's the star.

But a star who doesn't speak, okay?

All we have to do is come up with a logical way...

for her character to go from rags to riches without ever saying a word.

INTERVIEWER: Have you had any success reaching Mr. Gibson?

I am so over Mel Gibson and the trouble he's given me with these tickets...

that I would not let him direct my screenplay...

if he came to me begging.

This is Mel Gibson?

Mr. Gibson, open the window.

Otherwise, Saturday night...

all your people are going to be scattered everywhere.

Mr. Gibson?

I look better in a kilt than you ever did, dude!

Okay, I got it.

Maybe she's the love child of successful mimes?

That's crazy. There's no such thing as a successful mime.

Okay, spit-ball with me here.

She's a California girl, right? She loses her tongue in an earthquake.

No, I've got it!

She gets gangrene from a discount tongue studding.

That is good. But I'm not seeing a happy ending here.

It would be great if she loses her voice at the beginning...

and gets it back at the very end for one last big dramatic line.

I've got it! Hysterical laryngitis!

I like that a lot. But what's the trauma?

The man that she loves backs over her cat!

No, it's an animal charity. We can't really go around killing cats.

Good point. The man that she loves backs over her father?

Okay.

I just really hope that Tedi appreciates what we're doing for her.

Hey, pull over, pal!

What do you mean I don't talk?

See, that's the beauty of it. You don't have to talk.

The role isn't about words. It's about you.

But how can I be a famous rock singer if I don't talk?

You're gonna love this. You're no longer a rock singer.

You're the first successful rock signer.

- You get to wear this. - Pretty.

And this T-shirt that says, "Eat At Moe's." He's catering the cast party! Free!

"Eat at Moe's"? No! Dad, I'm not sure about this rewrite.

And was it Macy's idea that I don't talk?

- And where is Mom? - She's off doing the Leno Show.

- Leno? - Yeah.

Apparently, they heard about her Three Blind Mice.

When Hanson dropped out, they called her to fill in.

- Leno? - Yeah, I know. Cereal Boy all over again!

You know, I should be doing the Leno Show.

I should be doing Leno! I'm the star of the show!

What show? This script makes no sense!

Hey, I was up all night!

Yeah, writing me out!

[All arguing loudly]

TEDI: I wanna be on Leno.

Quiet!

You people disgust me.

This isn't about you.

This is about Old Yeller, and Flipper and Morris, and Lassie.

Is Turner going to pay for Hooch's hip replacement?

I think not.

And Buck the dog.

He died homeless because his agent got him net points instead of gross.

These animals need you.

But you guys are too busy arguing to help them out.

Larry's right.

Can't we all just get along?

JAKE: This is crazy, come on. GIRLS: I'm sorry.

INTERVIEWER: Congratulations on last night's show.

It was such an amazing night.

Though I did think we were in big trouble...

when Ben Stein and Brad Pitt passed on the part for the Diva's boyfriend.

Fortunately, Dad was right there to step in.

Step in. More like fell in.

So what? People loved the show.

Said it was better than An Evening with Free Willy.

Best of all, we made a ton of money.

That means flea dips, pet doors, and litter boxes for everyone.

Plus, we still have all these free doughnuts left.

And I also have my own table at Moe's.

And Mel Gibson actually did come to the show.

Until he saw Manuelo and ran screaming from the theater.

You know what I don't get though?

How come our big-time producer, Marvin Dobbs, never showed up?

About Mr. Dobbs....

Riley, do you wanna explain this one?

Thing of it is...

there is no Mr. Dobbs.

He doesn't exist. We made him up.

It was the only way we could get people to participate in doing the show.

Yeah, I mean...

how else could we get grownups to do what we want?

Yeah, and no one got hurt.

Yeah, we have the suspect in custody now.

This is a mistake, I tell you.

Please call Marvin Dobbs.

He'll explain everything.

Help me!

[Upbeat instrumental music]

[Theme song plays]

SDH subtitles conformed by SOFTITLER

English - SDH