Original subtitles

Okay, here's the moment we've been dreading all week.

Report cards.

- I got a C in ceramics. - I got a D in cooking.

A D in cooking? How did you get a D in cooking?

Like, Dad's gonna freak.

I mean, we told him that we could balance school and work.

What are we gonna do?

- We don't have to tell him. - Are you insane?

I mean, we have to get a parent's signature.

Okay, look, it's a problem, and we need to solve it.

Let's get creative.

Hey, you guys wanna go get some lunch?

Yeah, of course, Dad.

Oh, did we tell you how good you were in the last scene, Dad?

- Get out of here. - Yeah.

So good, we wanna get your autograph.

Sure. It's weird.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Guys.

- It's a change, huh? - Yeah.

- Right here? - Right there.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Tell me how you can remember every hockey score of every game...

but it slips your mind that we had plans tonight?

I'm sorry, Chloe. Dan offered me a ticket and I said yes without thinking.

- I'll bring you back a foam finger. - Can I stick it in your eye?

CHLOE: Men. LOUISE: I hear you, sister.

My third husband was the worst. Never remembered anything.

Even forgot his pants sometimes.

- How many husbands have you had? - Six.

How about you? Just kidding.

You know, when I was your age, I wanted to be a doctor.

Instead, I married one.

Well, four actually, but Marty was a podiatrist.

So I don't think that counts.

- Would you like a refill? - Oh, yeah.

Louise Van Horn. Yes, thank you very much.

And make it a double and put in an extra shot.

They don't let us have caffeine at the home.

They like it when we nap.

I'm so bummed. I need to find a musical act.

See, Dave Matthews was supposed to perform here tomorrow night...

and canceled.

Well, he never really canceled, 'cause we never really booked him.

See, we never really asked him.

Like Dave Matthews would perform here.

Hey, I know the perfect act.

He's handsome, he's talented, he plays guitar, he sings.

Not following.

He's sitting right next to you.

Cammie, other side.

Oh, my gosh, you! Of course, you'd be perfect.

- What's your stage name? - Larry?

With an "L."

"Larry with an 'L.'" I love it.

You have so many amazing stories.

Well, when you live as long as I have, they sort of pile up.

Hey, would you like to go shopping?

I have a few more hours until it's lights out at the home.

I don't know.

Well, there you are. I thought maybe you'd run off with the limo.

Did you say shopping?

Mmm-hmm.

Hi, everybody. I'd like to start off with a song that I wrote...

and it was kind of inspired by a walk along the beach, so....

[Singing] Mr. Jellyfish You gooey, gooey guy

Why do you sting Little kids and make them cry?

I squish you up Beneath my feet

If you were real jelly You'd be good to eat

Okay. Now I want everybody to sing along with me. Ready? It's the chorus.

One, two, three.

Mr. Jellyfish

Mr. Jellyfish

Mr. Jellyfish

Mr. Jellyfish

Mr. Jellyfish

So, this new friend of yours, Louise?

- How old is she? - She's up there.

But you're gonna love her. She's great. She's like the grandma we never had.

You know, since we've never met Dad's parents and Nana Jane lives in Florida.

Great. So when do we get to go shopping in her limo?

She's my grandma. You have to find your own.

- Hi. - Chloe, I'm so happy to see you.

Louise, this is my sister, Riley.

- Well, hello, Riley. - Not the cheeks.

Here.

- Quadruple latte. - Oh, God bless you, child.

Hey, you sexy thing.

Wanna join me in the pool for some water aerobics?

You go on ahead, Howard, I'll join you. In another life.

She wants me.

Not if you were the last senior in the home.

So, you go find a grandma. Go mingle.

"Doris Butler, star of stage and screen, dead at 86."

- I'm sorry. Was she a friend of yours? - That hussy?

Not a chance. She stole my part in The Dance of the Veils.

- You were an actress? - Dolores Strathmore.

You may remember me from Daughter of the Pharaohs.

I got bit by asps and did a 12-minute death scene...

that blew the critics away.

- Wait, what made you quit acting? - Age, honey.

- I'd love to see you perform. - Oh, I couldn't.

Oh, come on. Please.

Everyone, who wants to see Dolores do her famous scene from...

Daughter of the Pharaohs?

Oh, yes.

All right. If you insist.

Oh, treacherous snakes...

you poison me with your venomous kisses.

I now take leave of this earth.

But better to die...

having tasted of love's sweet nectar...

than to go to my grave a starving soul.

You....

Dolores, that was amazing. You were totally convincing.

Dolores?

Dolores?

A little help, please.

Hey, how are you?

Okay. See, even she's frightened of me. She knows I killed her friend.

How many times do I have to tell you it wasn't your fault?

Okay, totally my fault.

She didn't even want to do the scene, but I begged her to.

And if it wasn't for me, she'd still be here.

Okay, you're being too hard on yourself.

Now what you have to do is just get back out there...

and get yourself a new grandma.

Don't wanna. Killed one and that's enough.

And why am I here again?

You're here to help me set up Louise and Howard.

I mean, I think she likes him, but she's just playing hard to get.

Howard, that better be your oxygen tank.

What you got there?

Oh, these are tacos. My dad made them.

But I'm not so sure you should have any.

You know, I can't remember the last time I had food that had any kind of flavor.

This is nice and spicy.

Sir, I don't think you should have any tacos.

Sir, put the taco down!

LARRY: [Singing] Mr. Jellyfish

Mr. Jellyfish You're really, really sad

You're somehow by yourself 'Cause you're really, really bad

You live alone And you don't get any mail

You keep on stinging people You'll be eaten by a whale

Mr. Jellyfish

Boo!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

No, Cammie, stop. Stop, okay?

- I'm, like, a total musical failure. - No, no. Lamb chop, it....

It wasn't that bad.

They're booing me.

No. They're chanting your name.

"Loo-ry. Loo-ry."

Cammie, face it, all right. I bit.

Well, maybe you should write songs about something real.

Something personal.

How'd you know I made up Mr. Jellyfish?

[Phone ringing]

[Jake exclaims in pain]

- Where's Manuelo? - He went for lunch, over four hours ago.

I'm hearing ringing.

- Then answer it! - Then answer it!

[Macy exclaims irritably]

Carlson Designs.

They hung up.

I'm sorry for my tardiness.

But I was having a very important business luncheon...

with former President Bill Clinton.

Clinton.

Yes, we were discussing dress designs for Hillary.

- So, naturally, I would like to expense it. - Oh, naturally.

I would also like to expense this fantastic suit...

that I bought with these amazing good shoes.

I wanted to look nice for Bill Clinton.

Manny, we don't believe for one second that you had lunch with Bill Clinton.

You don't think that I would order fried catfish.

Please.

This is a new song that I wrote.

So, it's kind of personal.

I hope you guys like it.

[Larry clearing throat]

[Singing] She's my love She's my light

When I kiss her good night

She keeps her eyes open

Her bug eyes open

Sometimes I have trouble coping

This thing is kind of creepy

Freaky, freaky, Cammie

Freaky, freaky, Cammie

ALL: [Singing] Freaky, freaky, Cammie

Freaky, freaky, Cammie

Freaky, freaky, freaky, freaky

- Howard, you ever been married? - No.

Still a bachelor.

Why should I settle down when there's so many hotties out there?

- See anything you like? - God, no.

I mean, Chloe and I are pretty serious.

But if I were single, I'd say Louise there is quite a looker.

She's all right.

- Look, I know she likes you. - Really?

She never takes me up on my Jacuzzi offers.

Women like to take things slow.

I'm 80. I don't have a lot of time for slow.

Trust me. All women like to be romanced.

Ask Louise to dance.

[Lively instrumental music playing]

- Are you sure you're feeling okay? - Absolutely.

In fact, I feel so good, I wanna dance. Come on.

You know, I used to cut quite a rug back in my day.

I can tell.

[Grunting in pain]

George? George?

Don't worry, Riley, it's just a coincidence. I'm sure nobody blames you.

I bought you dinner.

Can't we go back to the home for a little dessert?

- You know what I'm talking about? - Keep your pants on.

I want a complete evening and that includes coffee. Come on.

Hi.

Hey, man, I love your music.

Can you sing My Girlfriend Burps like a Truck Driver again?

Good evening, everyone.

There's gonna be a slight change in tonight's program.

I'm gonna be filling in for Larry, who has a little problem.

In fact, let me sing you a song about it.

[Singing] You told me to keep my mouth shut tight

About how you fall asleep at night

When you're lying there in the dark

I know you've got your stuffed aardvark

- What the-- - She's good.

Baby, baby Larry

Baby, baby Larry

Baby, baby Larry

Baby, baby, baby, baby

[All cheering]

Hey, Riley.

- Honey, you're not going Goth, are you? - No, but I understand why people do.

Look, I'm sure whatever's bothering you is nothing that can't be fixed.

- I killed two people. - You're kidding.

Oh, please tell me you're kidding, right?

Chloe and I started visiting people over at this retirement home...

and both times I went, someone died.

Honey, that's what old people do.

Just 'cause you were there when it happened...

- doesn't mean you caused it. - Yes, I did.

I mean, I made Dolores perform her famous scene...

and then George ate your tacos, and then we danced.

I am the Angel of Death.

Come here. Let me tell you a little story about your Grandma Alice.

She was sick in the hospital when you and Chloe were born.

But we snuck you guys in there so she could hold you.

And it was a good thing, too, 'cause she died later that day.

Grandma Alice held me right before she died?

I am the Angel of Death.

No. No. My point is...

I'd never seen my mother so happy in all her life as the moment she held you.

But she still died though.

Well, yeah, but...

you brought her happiness in her last moments...

just like I'm sure you did with those people...

down at the retirement home.

Yeah, I guess they did look pretty happy before they....

- You know. - Yeah.

So listen, get on down there and put a smile on someone's face.

All right. Oh, and Riley...

make sure you don't step on anyone's oxygen hose.

Hey, I want you to keep that free because I'm expecting a phone call from Bill.

Okay, could you remind me again why the ex-President of the United States...

is calling you, ex-nanny of Malibu.

Well, I told you, Hillary is coming up with a line of women's apparel...

and she remembered me from when I interviewed to nanny for Chelsea.

Come on. That is ridiculous, Manny.

Listen, we're not gonna expense you all that stuff.

Okay? So you can just drop the friend of Clinton act.

That's him. That's Bill.

- Hello? - Hi, Mr. ex-President, who I didn't vote for.

Hey, I hear you're doing your wife's shopping now.

Hello.

I guess you got a lot of time on your hands.

- Yeah. - Hello.

Is Manuelo there? Manuelo Del Valle?

Hello?

Oh, Hillary, I think you gave me the wrong number. I mean...

you look beautiful.

No, no! No one' s going anywhere.

I'm gonna stay here to prove to you all that I am not the Angel of Death.

- Riley, what are you doing? - I'm gonna prove a point.

I'm gonna sit here and read and nobody is gonna die.

Oh, boy. This is gonna be a long night.

Of Human Bondage?

- It's over 700 pages. - What? I have to read it for school.

"Chapter one. The day broke gray and dull.

"The clouds hung heavily, and there was a rawness in the air....

"The future stretched out before him in desolate emptiness."

Is everyone still alive?

Oh, no. Mrs. Edelson, I killed you.

Riley, you didn't kill her, she's asleep. But another chapter might do it.

How about that Jacuzzi now?

Well, well, well.

Look who's making the fast moves now.

Look, I would rather sit in the Jacuzzi with your pruney, old tush...

than listen to one more word from the Angel of Boredom over there.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you'll have to buy me dinner first.

Are you serious?

Are you kidding? Give me that sugar.

Come on, Riley, you've proved your point. Can we go now?

Not until I finish the book.

I'm sure everyone here wants to know how it ends.

- Oh, God, my heart. - I'll get the paramedics.

Okay, guys, let's make a break for it.

I can't believe you sang about Mr. Snuffles.

I thought it was an appropriate follow-up to your little ditty about my retainer.

Which I only have to wear at night for three more months, thank you very much.

All right, look. You're the one who said...

that we should sing about something personal.

What I meant was you should sing from your heart.

But if all you've got in your heart is big bug-eye jokes...

then I'm not sure I wanna know you.

[Singing] And I was all alone

Until you served me that first scone

You came along and made me sing

You were my song, my everything

We're a matching set

A perfect fit

Let's tell the world in our duet

Let's tell the world in our duet

We're a matching set

A perfect fit

Let's tell the world in our duet

English - SDH