Original subtitles

[Upbeat instrumental music]

I can't believe we're going out with Mom again.

- Every Friday night the same thing. - It's our mother-daughter tradition.

Traditions are for little kids and old people...

and remote jungle tribes that don't have a mall to hang out in.

[Grunts questioningly]

Think about it.

All over Malibu, kids our age are going out on dates, parties, raves.

And what are we doing?

The same thing we've done every Friday night since we were eight.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Dinner at the Siam Palace.

We get one Pad Thai, one Yum Yai, and one Yum Kai.

Then we see a movie at the Malibu Megaplex.

We order one large Tub-O-Corn, one diet mega-gulp, and one giant box Mike-N-Ikes.

Then we go to Baskin-Robbins for ice cream.

I get the mud pie. You get the root beer float.

And Mom wants to sample all 31 flavors with that stupid little pink spoon.

You're right. We're stuck. We're in a rut.

I know. What if you get the mud pie and I get the root beer float?

You know it's times like these that I truly believe you were adopted.

[Soft instrumental music]

[Humming discordantly]

[Exclaiming]

- Sorry. Am I disturbing your customers? - No, just me.

"No, just me."

Expecting rain?

[Jake laughing sheepishly]

This stupid thing. No, just playing with it.

Would you like a Beer Nut?

Something tells me you've got plenty of time to think of stuff like that.

You sit here every night, same stool, playing with the drink ornaments.

Making mini-dumbbells with a stirrer and two olives.

[Ed grunting]

I need the work out.

Sitting around your trailer every Saturday night, eating pizza, looking at videos.

Every Wednesda y at the Laundromat...

wondering why your whites aren't their whitest...

your colors aren't their brightest.

Sunday night is introspection.

You stand on the beach...

thinking of all the life choices you've made, watching the sun go down.

- Alone. - How do you know all this about me?

- You been following me? - It's my job.

- Are you a cop? - No.

Dr. Ed Langley, President, SGOM.

- SGOM? - Separated Guys of Malibu.

We're always looking for a few good men.

[Theme song]

[Upbeat pop music]

[Knocking on door]

Who is it?

JAKE: Who is it? ED: Jake, it's me. Ed.

Who?

Hi, Jake. Remember me? Separated Guys of Malibu.

We were talking about you coming to one of our meetings.

- I haven't given it much thought. - Think about it.

We offer emotional support, crisis intervention, and companionship.

Bottom line: We're there for you, Jake.

- Like you are now? - Exactly. Think about it.

[Knocking on door]

- Decide yet? - No.

[Knocking on door resumes]

ED: How about now? JAKE: Go away!

So what do you think? Can we count you in?

[Upbeat pop music]

How can you think about food?

Do you realize another Friday night is coming up?

Unless we take drastic action, and soon...

we're going to wind up spending it with Mom again.

You're right. We have to think of something.

Yeah, it's got to be cool, crazy, cutting edge.

Malibu Miniature Golf reopened after the windmill fire.

We are so pathetic.

How will we come up with something that might even resemble cutting edge?

- Carlson. - Andrea, if you want my lunch, just take it.

I didn't bite into the baloney sandwich or anything.

Riley, chill. I don't want your stupid lunch. I want your stupid history notes.

Like, if I don't pass the stupid history test on Thursday, I'm grounded.

No more dates, no more concerts, no more hanging at the mall.

You know, she'll even miss the big party this Friday night.

Party? Friday night? Here you go.

You can study her stupid notes while you eat her stupid lunch.

And did I mention, my stupid sister also tutors?

ED: Okay, settle down.

First order of business: We'd like to thank Jake for the use of his trailer tonight.

It's certainly warm and cozy. Kind of has that Pier-1-Import look...

that makes all of us separated guys feel at home.

And as a true separated guy, he hasn't even removed the price tags.

If you think that's good, I got a nightstand in the bedroom from Ikea.

I can't even put it together.

[Men whooping]

On that note, let's meet our newest trial member, Jake Carlson.

- Jake, the floor is yours. - And so are the walls.

[All laughing uproariously]

All right, so anyhow....

I'm Jake Carlson. I am separated. I admit it freely.

I guess, I have to admit, Ed, when you asked me to come tonight...

I was a little reluctant.

Who knows? You could've been just a bunch of goofy guys.

Goofy? Us?

Our membership includes attorneys, financial planners, professors...

and then there's Mr. Dan Hageland...

who owned one of the biggest dot-com companies going.

[Knocking on door]

That's probably him now.

Thanks, Dan. Keep the change.

So, Jake, you were saying?

Yeah, right.

You got me thinking about my life as a separated guy living in Malibu.

It's hard. You don't know what to do. Do you date? Don't you date?

You sta y in and eat alone, or do you go out and eat alone?

And there's nothing worse than going by yourself to the movies...

and watching the happy couples come in holding hands.

[Whimpers]

Jeez, I'm sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to be such a downer.

- I feel awful. - It's all right, we all feel your pain, Jake.

Group hug.

[Ed moans]

[Man whimpers]

ED: Blow your nose, let it out.

JAKE: Thank you. Sorry, I didn't mean to get that on you.

ED: It's all right.

[Soft pop music]

TEDI: We got everything we need for the beach?

I think so.

Towels, glasses, albino-strength sunscreen.

Trashy novels, personal Dustbuster for those sand-filled nooks and crannies.

And in case we want to sunbathe topless, Streisand music to drive the men away.

Give me one second.

Girls, do you want me to get you anything?

RILEY: No.

MACY: I could order you a pizza. CHLOE: No.

MACY: Well, I'm leaving! CHLOE: Good!

Bye.

It's almost as if they don't want me around.

They don't.

But they have a new friend coming over. I thought I should meet her.

They don't.

But I thought it'd be fun if we all went out for ice cream.

- They don't. - Do you see a pattern emerging here?

- They don't want me around? - They don't.

Get used to it.

You're right. They need their independence. They need their space.

And it's very important that I give it to them.

That is surprisingly healthy thinking.

MACY: Let's go to the beach.

I'm just going to go up there and hug them.

Macy, don't worry, honey. You're going to get them back...

when they reach 21 or want some money, whichever comes first. Come on.

CHLOE: Come on, they're gone.

You know if Mom saw us like this, she'd kill us.

That's the whole point. That's what living on the edge is all about.

You look really stupid with that temporary nose ring.

You're one to talk. I mean, with your temporary tattoo.

A dancing bear?

The guy at the store said it had to do with the Grateful Dead. Whoever they are.

[Doorbell ringing]

Andrea's here. Okay, look tough, look hip, look cool.

- Chloe, what are you doing? - My new bad-girl walk.

- Chloe? Riley? - It's you.

I just wanted to stop by because I saw you hanging out with that Andrea Ripner girl.

She is trouble. She is no good.

But I'm a little too late.

She's already turned you guys into the Spice Girls.

[Upbeat pop music]

CHLOE: No! Andrea's here. Her boyfriend's dropping her off.

You mean the guy with the tattoos? No, that's her dad.

Quick, Larry, get in the closet.

Why? Because I'm not cool enough to hang out with your new friends?

LARRY: Are you ashamed, embarrassed? TWINS: All of the above.

[Motorcycle engine revving]

Hey.

- Hey. - Hey.

Like, I really appreciate you helping me study.

You help me get me through this thing, I'll get you into the party Friday night.

ANDREA: It's really going to rock. RILEY: Cool. The party!

I mean, if we're available.

Yeah, and don't, like, mention it to anybody.

It's kind of a secret thing.

[Fast-paced pop music]

Carlsons. Check it out.

B plus on the history test.

Hey!

You really did a very nice job on this essay.

Like I care.

So, listen, about the party tonight. It starts at midnight.

Midnight? That is late.

I mean, late as in early...

like, when bad means good.

RILEY: What?

[Andrea grunts hesitantly]

See that window? That's what you're gonna come in through.

- The party's here? At the school? - At midnight?

Yeah, that's what makes it so cool.

You sneak out. You break in. You party down.

[Students chattering]

You guys aren't backing out, are you?

Us? No way.

Can we bring anything?

- Like a casserole? - Casserole?

You know, like, when bad means good.

Late means early. Casserole means beer.

Yeah. Bring a six-pack of casserole.

[Chuckling]

LARRY: Riley!

Riley, you cannot go to that party. I will not let you go. I forbid you.

Larry, are you in there? Have you been eavesdropping?

LARRY: Yes.

But it's for your own good. That girl is nothing but trouble.

Now you drink that, and you think about what I've just said.

Stupid, you put it in upside down!

[Fast-paced pop music]

[Knocking on door]

I wanted to drop these off.

The insurance company sent me these by mistake.

Thanks. What's SGOM?

Separated Guys of Malibu.

You see, this is their trial membership T-shirt.

When I become a real member, I get the real T-shirt.

- What's the difference? - The real one's blue.

- Separated Guys of Malibu. - It's kind of a support group.

[Macy guffawing]

Okay. I don't laugh at those little groups you belong to.

Women in Business, Malibu Nature Conservancy...

Children's Relief Fund.

That's because there's nothing funny about them.

But, Separated Guys of Malibu?

Jake, listen. I really understand.

You need to have a social outlet, be around men with common interests.

Lonely, confused, pathetic.

But Separated Guys of Malibu really makes your group sound cheesy.

JAKE: Cheesy? MACY: Yeah.

Maybe you could change the name. Maybe something like Man to Man.

Or Male Support Service.

Or, better yet, Men Learning to Cope.

You know, that does sound a lot classier than SGOM.

You know what? I'm gonna bring that up in my induction ceremony tonight.

There's an induction ceremony? I'd pay to see that.

[Jake laughs mockingly]

No girls allowed.

JAKE: Before I take the actual oath, I want to run something by you.

Okay.

I was thinking, and this is only a suggestion...

I think this organization is really great.

I just think the name could use a little help.

I mean, Separated Guys of Malibu.

How about something a little classier?

Like, I don't know. Men Learning to Cope?

- You've been talking to your wife, Jake. - What do you mean?

Only a woman would come up with a name like that.

Guys, you got to admit SGOM is a little cheesy.

Cheesy? We already changed it from Girl Haters of Malibu. It was unanimous.

[Ike clearing throat]

Almost unanimous. Thank you, Ike.

You're out of here, Jake.

ED: Leave. I said, you're out of here. Scram. JAKE: Wait, no!

Wait a minute! This is m y trailer!

All right, everybody in denial, it never happened. Head shake.

[Soft pop music]

Sneaking out of the house, breaking into school...

all to go to a party, to do who knows what?

The anxiety, the guilt.

Sneaking out of the house, breaking into the school...

all to go to a party, to do who knows what?

Yes!

[Soft pop music]

Okay, everything's going as planned.

- Mom and Manuelo are asleep. - They are? Great, let's go!

- What do you mean "let's go"? - Party starts at midnight.

We're not supposed to show up right when it starts.

We have to be fashionably late. Make an entrance.

Great.

Turn off the lights. Mom will think we're asleep.

Good idea.

CHLOE: What are you doing? RILEY: Sitting on my bed.

RILEY: What are you doing? CHLOE: Same thing.

CHLOE: This is great! RILEY: I know, I've never felt so alive.

[Soft pop music]

It's midnight. Any minute now, Chloe and my beloved Riley...

are going to be sneaking off to that party.

I know what goes on there. They're wild. They're out of control.

They have chips and dip.

I'm going over there right now. I'm going to crash that party...

and I'm going to get Riley out of there before she gets in trouble.

[Techno music]

- Larry is in the house. - No, he's not.

LARRY: What--

There has to be a way to sneak into that party. How?

They won't let in Larry Slotnick...

but I'll bet you that they will let in Britney Spears.

[Techno music continues]

Do I know you?

[Faking female voice] I'm with the band.

What band?

No. I mean, you look kind of familiar.

I'm often mistaken for Christina Aguilera.

So, anyways...

where are those two bad girls Chloe and Riley Carlson?

Are they getting busy somewhere?

Those wimps? Who knows. They never showed.

But it's 12:45.

[In normal voice] Where could they be?

[Resumes fake voice] Where could they be?

I guess, if Riley and Chloe aren't at the party...

I'm going to split.

You want to dance?

[Larry gasping]

Watch it.

[Upbeat pop music]

I can't believe it. Our one chance to do something different...

walk on the wild side, you make us sleep through it.

What do you mean, me? If we had gone when I wanted to go...

we'd be sneaking back in now.

[Chloe sighs]

Look at this.

"Illegal party at West Malibu High raided"?

- I can't believe it! - And they had chips and dip!

[Larry panting]

Somebody, hide me, please!

My date, he won't take no for an answer. Please!

I'm just simply not that kind of a girl.

English - SDH