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ANNOUNCER : Ladies and gentlemen, Ralphie May.

Right on.

-My goodness.

This is awesome.

Thank you so much for coming.

Now that you've had a good look at me,

do you, anybody think maybe if Chaz Bono knew

if she was going to-- turn into a dude

that she was going to look like me,

you think that bitch would have gone through with it?

She would have been like, I wanted Brad Pitt.

And you gave me Ralphie May, you sons of bitches.

If I was that broad I'd sue, sue!

Dude, broad, I don't know.

I don't know.

God bless her-- him.

I don't-- it's-- it's confusing man, I know.

I have noticed I've been getting a lot of free drinks

from lesbians though, so it's got its ups, you know?

Kick ass.

Let me tell you about me I guess.

I'm married.

I uh-- sorry girls, pack up your vagina's and hit the bricks.

Sorry ladies, I'm a kept man.

I uh, I got a beautiful wife.

Uh, I married a Jew broad six years ago.

And uh, and we've made some Jews.

I'm doing the work of Christ over here.

Somebody's got to make Jews.

You know?

Somebody's got to.

It's a tough recession, folks.

Who do you want doing your taxes?

You want a Jew, right?

Yes, you do.

(SINGING TO MELODY OF HAVA NAGILA)

I want a good Jew to do my taxes to lower my tax profile.

Put it in a separate-- put it in a separate tax deferred

till I'm 65.

It sounds different in Hebrew.

But those are the real words.

The babies are terrific.

We have two beautiful children.

We have a four-year-old daughter.

She just turned four.

Her name is April June May.

She's a peach.

Try to forget it, bet you can't.

And we have a two-year-old son named August.

And August, may, yeah, he's awesome.

I'm teaching them how to cuss.

They're doing a really good job at it.

They already cuss better than most immigrants.

I'm proud of them.

My daughter heard a cabby in New York last month talking.

And he was cussing at another cab--cabby for eating

during Ramadan during the day.

And uh, you know, shocker.

Uh, and uh-- And uh-- and she's like, daddy,

what the hell did he just say?

And I'm like, I don't know, foreigners, whatever.

All right I had uh--

My son, his favorite curse word is

uh-- this is the only time I'm going to get bleeped,

OK-- is fuck it.

Um, in public but taught him just to curb it and say F it.

So uh, he goes, F it, F it, F it.

And it makes him an amazingly easy baby, OK?

It's like, August, what do you want for lunch?

F it!

All right, like a sandwich or something?

Yeah, F it daddy, F it.

Sandwich it is, good kid.

I get in trouble because I'm teaching the kids to curse.

And the wife, she doesn't care for it.

And I get-- I'm wearing a jacket, long sleeved tonight.

But on the back of my arm are all these bruises

where my wife will pinch me in my fat meat

while i'm driving because I did something.

And then-- and man, that hurts so much.

Oh my god, it's incredibly painful.

We were stuck in traffic.

And my daughter, April, was like, daddy,

what's up with these F

And I'm, ow, ow, it's a legitimate question, Jesus.

Honey, they're just driving retarded, OK?

All right?

And ow, ow, OK, Jesus.

And then that's when my son, August,

is like, tard, tard, tard, tard, tard, tard.

Ugh.

And we were on the way to the mall, OK,

my wife really loves this mall in Los Angeles.

It's right across the street from Beverly Hills, The Century

City mall, OK?

All right, she loves it.

Nothing there fits me except for socks.

Socks and cologne, that's all that fits me.

Uh, so that's all I buy when I go there.

We have a double stroller.

And people always ask if our babies are twins.

They're Irish twins.

They're only 14 months apart.

But uh, August is big for his age.

And April's little for hers.

So they really do look like twins.

And so we had the cart, the stroller.

And we're on the elevator going up into Bloomingdale's.

My wife is right beside me.

And we go up one level.

And two smoking hot women get on the elevator.

They turned out to be contestants

on America's Next Top Model.

And these bitches were fine.

Like, oh my god, hot.

Like, incredibly, like, amazingly hot.

Like so hot I was stunned, honest.

Like if my-- fellas, you ever be out with your, uh, girl

and she asks you a weak woman question

because she's feeling vulnerable or insecure like you know,

do you think those girls are hot?

And you're like, those girls with big-ass racks

and nice a-- no, baby, no.

If my wife had asked me a question

like that I would have had to tell her the truth.

Are you kidding me?

I'll bang both them in the front of your family,

OK, are you serious?

I would-- I would stack both those bitches

on top of your mama's coffee table

that she don't even let me put my glass on or my feet on.

I would stack them on top of each other like cordwood.

And I would low and then high, Low, high.

Are you kidding me?

Fine.

And to boot, they were so incredibly hot

and dressed total skanky.

It was awesome.

Like, they were both wearing these black leggings,

like super tight, like, I guess workout kind of clothes.

But you could see through them.

So they're like, extra skanky, all right, and super tight.

And you know, everywhere else in the country,

when women wear black leggings they wear a long blouse

to cover up all their business so they're

comfortable and sexy at the same time while remaining classy

and not showing their business, all right?

Not these dirty bitches, OK, all right?

They

All right?

And the first one came in and had her G-string

up over her hips.

Really bitch?

Take a break, OK, come on.

Now I got to walk around the mall with half a boner all day

long because you can't get it together?

Let's go.

At least that one was wearing panties.

The next one, hello Ms. Camel toe.

OK, um-- I mean, it was a super fat monkey, like oh my god.

It was out of place, just a big old chunky monkey.

It was weird.

Because it was like, hip bones and then indention.

And then it was as if you cut a Nerf football from pointy end

to pointy end and put half of that right there in the middle.

It was all-- foopa.

You know?

I mean, it was just 'gina.

And it was incredible.

I mean, fellas, you know howl normal camel toe is like,

leg crease, center crease, leg crease?

Not this one.

It had like, five creases.

It was incredible.

And it was breathing.

It was either that or it was eating up them panties.

I don't know what it was doing.

But it was-- oh my god.

And I realized the danger financially,

that these women posed to my marriage.

So like a smart husband, I turned,

still holding the stroller and looked

my wife right in her eyes.

Cherish the love we have,

we should cherish the love.

Now, out of the corner of my eye,

I see my son's, August, hands going up.

His big-ass gorilla arm.

And I'm not going to lie to you.

I could have stopped him.

But you can't c-block your own son, you know what I mean?

That's against the rules.

You can't lay that down.

So I wanted to see if he took to it natural.

And uh, he did, he did.

He missed her thigh.

He missed everything.

And he grabbed a hold of that monkey and-- and pulled down,

pulled down like he was picking a peach.

And uh-- and she screamed and slapped his hand away.

And me, even though I saw the whole thing out

of the corner of my eye, I acted like I didn't know.

Like, oh my god, what's going on?

Are you OK?

Um, your son just touched me very inappropriately.

And I'm like, I'm sorry, he's two.

That's kind of what they do, you know?

What happened?

Did you get your spring good early?

I'm sorry.

And uh, she goes, ugh, you know, maybe

if you'd been a better parent maybe that

wouldn't have happened.

Oh, OK, I guess that's one way to look at it.

Or um, maybe you w--wouldn't have been wagging that fat

monkey in his face that wouldn't have happened either.

You think about that?

Maybe he was just checking to see here

if your diaper was full or not, you know?

Maybe-- maybe you were smuggling Hot Wheels cars or something.

He didn't know.

And by the way, ma'am, I think it's hilarious

that from the waist up you're bulimic.

But you can't get that 'gina to vomit, can you bitch?

Ahh.

That fat monkey.

All right and my wife is pinching me.

I'm like, ow, ow, ow.

And she's mentioned to me about being fat.

And I'm like, yes, I'm fat.

But notice loose clothing, loose.

You got that thing in a strangle hold.

Let it breath, let it breath.

It's down there like a catfish been out of water too long,

just-- let it breath.

The door opened.

And they're shooting something for this TV

that they're on, OK?

And so the whole crew's there.

And the camera's there.

And they get off, storm off.

And I'm like, I hope that bitch with the bad attitude

and the fat monkey loses. loses!

Doors close, awesome.

See, I was hoping that would be my wife's reaction.

But yet, it was not.

Um-- my wife's reaction was, oh my god, I can't believe you

just did that, OK?

You just called a girl and told her

she had a fat monkey, monkey, OK?

Oh my god.

This the most embarrassed-- see, this

is why don't normally like to take you out anywhere.

Because you just can't shut up.

And I'm like, I know, but she did

did have a g-normous monkey.

I mean, you can't deny it. can't deny it.

Uh, how I the fact that you're raising a daughter as well.

And I'm like, well, she don't have a fat monkey.

And you don't have a fat monkey.

And I know fat monkeys don't run in my family.

So where's she going to get it from?

Well, you're going to explain to your son

proper touch and inappropriate touch, OK?

Mm-hmm, as soon as we get out of this goddamn elevator,

I swear to God.

Yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

And so we get out.

And I turn the stroller around.

And I'm looking down at my beautiful son,

at his big brown eyes.

And I'm like

Yes daddy?

Son, you can't touch anyone in their peepees, OK?

The peepee's a naughty spot, OK?

That's a naught spot, OK?

You can't touch anyone in your naughty spot.

No one can touch you in your naught spot.

You can't touch anyone in their naughty spot,

even if it's a big, fat naughty spot like that bitch had, OK?

And he goes, OK daddy.

I'm sorry.

Aw, don't be too sorry.

Yes, I'm a filthy animal, yes, I am, sorry.

I uh-- what if he needed a baby wipe?

That's all I'm saying, OK?

I think I did it right.

My favorite part about being home--

and I don't get to get home that very much, you know?

We have two houses.

We have one in Nashville and another one in Los Angeles.

And even though I have two homes, for the first seven

months of this year I was only in my bed 22 nights.

And it's hard, you know?

But we've all got our cross to bear.

You know, I'm not tarring roofs or changing transmissions

or working on a line you know, but I

don't get to see my babies as much as I want to.

And when I'm at home that's my favorite part,

is sleeping in the bed.

Because I'm the lowest point in the bed.

And everybody falls to me.

And it is awesome.

I'm a great person to sleep with.

I really am.

I'm comfortable.

I'm cozy.

I'm warm, no sharp edges.

Um, uh, I don't snore.

Occasionally I'll let some gas fly.

But hey, come on, who doesn't?

Let's all be there, all right?

I stay on my part of the bed, OK?

You get half.

I got half.

All right, no worries, all right?

Even though my half is fully taken uh, OK, and yours isn't.

But I'm a great person to sleep with.

This happened a year ago.

August wasn't in his big-boy bed yet.

He was still in his crib.

And um, my wife and I fell asleep.

And April snuck into bed with us.

And we woke up at like, 6:45 in the morning

with her screaming her head off, ow! ow! ow!

And as a-- a parent, you know, you

have those-- you're like, oh my god, OK.

You know?

And for me, you know, I have nightmares

where I'm squishing my babies, OK?

You know, like they got in bed and I squished, license right,

and the screaming, I'm like, oh my god, OK.

All right?

Even though I never-- I never squish them.

But you know, it's like, the danger's always there,

you know what I mean?

I was like, oh my god.

And I tried to move the pillow off her head.

And she's like, ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Like, it's even worse.

And my wife is like, oh my god, what's going on?

And I'm like, Lana, go start the shower.

She's like, why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Go start the goddamn shower now.

Why?

Why?

I--I want to-- ladies, do you know how infuriating this is,

to ask why, OK?

I'm your husband.

I'm talking to you in an emergency tone of voice.

That means act.

Don't ask why, just act, OK?

Act.

Don't ask why, go.

Do it..

I want to know, how many people die each year

because she had to know why?

Why?

Why?

Tornado.

Why?

Why?

Boom, bus.

Why?

Why?

Ahhhh!

All right?

Why?

And I'm like, really?

Why?

OK, uh, remember last night's fun

and how we lost something off the towel

and we figured we'd just change the sheets?

Well, April found it.

And it stuck her to the pillow, OK?

So why don't you go start the goddamn shower

so we can unstick our baby's head from this pillow, OK?

And she was mad as a hornet's nest man.

She's stomping in there, dirty son of a bitch,

dropping loads every w-- asshole.

All right?

And I'm like Jew, you could have swallowed anytime, anytime!

We got-- we uh--

We call this Operation No More Tears.

If this ever happens to you, uh, here's what we recommend.

Remove the pillow from the pillowcase.

Take your baby with the pillowcase

in place to the shower.

And then wash her hair nine times.

And hopefully, when she's in her mid '20s

she won't remember this.

And uh, thus the reason we call it No More Tears.

I mean, it'd make you cry if you remembered

getting your head stuck to a pillow

by your prospective brothers or sisters.

I wish this was just jokes.

I know, I know.

None of these stories make me look good, not one of them.

Had a rare couple of days off in Los

Angeles a couple months ago.

And uh, for me, staying in my house is vacation time.

My wife wanted to go to Mexico.

And my argument was, hey, we're already in Los Angeles.

Why go to Mexico?

We're here.

And she goes, this is not Mexico.

And I'm like, really?

I open my door.

We're up in the Hollywood Hills, OK?

There's hardly anybody around us.

All right, And we're at the top of a canyon.

And I yell out, Como Esta's!

Bien.

Is this Mexico enough for you?

Asking me to go on vacation on a couple of days

off is like asking a mailman to take a walk after his shift,

you know what I mean?

It's kind of a dickey thing to do, you know?

Just

And I picked up a TV show.

And we filmed late.

And I didn't get into bed till like 3:30, 4:00.

And the next morning at 8 o'clock

my wife wakes me up to tell me I could sleep in.

And I'm like, I was doing that, you know that right?

I was already ahead of you.

I was doing that very thing.

And she's like, no, I want you to know where we're going, OK?

And what's going on.

And I'm like, all right, OK, all right, what's going on?

Well, Kelly and I-- that's her Thelma and Louise girlfriend.

Every girl's got one, that they go off and do things

with and get into hi

And--and uh, whether it's yard-saleing to shopping, uh,

going to male revues, going to bars and having cocktails

and getting guys to hit on them like they're still single, OK?

Every girl's got a Thelma and Louise girlfriend, OK?

All right?

And my wife's is Kelly.

And Kelly's awesome.

Her husband's great.

All right, I love them both.

All right?

They're wonderful people.

I don't mind them, OK?

I'm not jealous of my wife's friends, OK?

So I was like, great, that sounds awesome.

What are y'all going to do?

We're going on a 10-mile hike.

And I'm like, what?

10 miles?

Oh yeah, y'all raising money for cancer or something?

10 mile-- OK, that does not sound like fun to me, OK?

All right?

If I'm-- if I'm going on a 10-mile hike somebody's life is

on the line, OK?

Somebody close, close.

Not just periphery friends, OK?

I mean, like close family.

Not even some of them, OK?

I uh-- if I'm walking 10 mil-- either that or I'm being chased

by a very slow monster, you know?

Ah!

Ah!

OK, so-- and she says she's taking the babies.

And Kelly's taking her dog.

And--and I remember Kelly's dog is an English bulldog, OK?

We have an English bulldog.

They're great dogs, OK?

But they're not the most healthy and fit animals, OK?

They really aren't, OK?

You got to give them a lot of TLC.

And they're cantankerous, OK?

All right?

We have an English bulldog, all right?

And I told my wife-- and her name's Hoochie Mama,

by the way.

And Hoochie Mama is a super fat bitch.

She is 58 pounds and three inches off the ground, OK?

That dog is an ottoman, OK?

Just walking around.

Hello daddy.

I've seen that fat bitch get winded eating.

She goes .

Hilarious dog, OK?

But not the most physically in shape, OK?

Basically what I'm saying, if you're going to English bulldog

on a 10-mile hike, you're going to be dragging

a rock for 9 and 1/2 miles, OK?

I said, y'all better put that dog up

in the stroller with them babies.

OK?

And she's like, no, we'll be fine.

We'll be fine.

Whatever.

I

Stay in your house, enjoy your Weeds or something.

OK, that sounds great.

I'll be back about 6 o'clock, no problem.

So I'll lay back down.

I try to go back to sleep.

I can't go back to sleep.

I'm exhausted but I'm like, you know, I'm going to get up.

I'm going to watch uh, watch the basketball game.

I haven't done that.

Let's--Let's do that.

Let's do that.

So I go uh-- I go downstairs.

And I'm like, I got the whole house to myself.

This is awesome.

OK?

I never have it to myself.

Uh, there's always other people here.

And uh, it's all mine.

This is awesome.

So I'm like, I'm going to wake and bake.

I haven't done this in forever.

OK?

I know, I know.

It's legal in California.

And--and I've dialed it back as is.

But man, I had this one shot.

So let's do this, right?

Uh, I get the bowl of Cheerios, OK?

It used to be my--my cereal preference used to be Captain

Crunch.

But I can't eat that when I'm smoking weed.

It cuts your mouth all to hell.

All right?

And--

I needed a concave cereal, you feel me?

All right, something not as sharp.

OK.

And uh-- and then I get the--the bong of death out.

It's a triple diffuser, 24-inch gravity

bong with a three-gram bowl.

Yeah, I got enough to get it done.

I made the Cuban Sandwich.

I put in there uh, the uh, uh, gram

of weed then a gram of hash and then a gram of weed

on top of it.

Yeah, I had enough to get it done, trust me.

Trust me.

OK?

And make the-- make the cereal up, get a little juicy poo.

And I take it all out onto my back deck,

overlooks the canyon.

It's beautiful.

I never smoke weed in my house.

I believe in Jesus.

And uh-- my wife hates that joke.

Jews, ah!

Right?

So funny.

So--

We uh-- I'm down there.

I'm eating a bowl, hitting a bowl.

Then a little juicy poo, OK?

Hmm, da da, da da.

It's like, I got a whole day to myself, no problem.

I get done 45 minutes later.

I stand up.

I almost have to sit down beacuse

I'm stoned like a biblical whore.

OK, I'm like-- I forgot how good this weed was, Jesus.

And I am, right now, probably one of the stonededest guys I

uh, I've ever been, OK?

This is like a stoneded-- yes, that is the new superlative.

Stondedest, OK, I've ever been.

And I uh, I got down there.

And uh, even stoned as I was, OK, I could barely comprehend.

Like, my whole body felt like uh, like it'd been asleep.

Like you ever like, stand up after you've been on the toilet

too long, all right, and your legs are asleep?

OK?

I felt that from the neck down, OK?

I'm like--

And uh, even though I'm that stoned,

I'm hearing my wife in my head.

If you have dishes that can go in the sink

they can go in the dishwasher.

All right, she's not even there.

And I'm like, yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

Put my dishes away.

I put the bong back up.

I go turn on the TV.

And Charles Barkley's doing commentary.

And Charles Barkley kind of freaks me out

when I'm high, OK?

Like, I love the way he talks.

But i--it's hypnotic and mesmerizing while disturbing

a little bit at the same time and scary.

And it's like, winning a championship

with penetration, you got have penetration

when you're going to win a championship.

That's what they're doing right now.

Uh, look, see if you see he's

driving the lane, getting deep penetration.

That's what he's doing right now, getting that penetration.

That's what's happening right now.

That's key to winning a championship,

getting that penetration. Get easy points in the paint.

All right?

Now my head, I'm hearing

the key to winning a championship is penetration.

When you get to the championship.

Like out of nowhere, they're turning it off or up, OK?

I didn't know.

And that's when the door flies open.

And my wife is standing there, going, oh my god,

Kelly's dog just had a heart attack, all right?

And I'm like, noooo!

And she's like, watch these kids.

Oh my god, are you stoned?

Like a gravel road, bitch, like a gravel road.

My wife is pissed.

She's like, well, get it together fat ass.

And slammed the door.

Now, this the first time I've ever

been high anywhere near my kids.

And this is freaking me out man.

I'm looking down at these two beautiful angels.

And I'm like, oh, no.

And I figure that the best defense is a good offense.

So I'm like, OK babies, um, what do y'all want to do?

And my daughter, April's, a little bit of a TV junkie.

So she's like, daddy, it might be nice

if we watched some cartoons or something, I don't know.

And I'm like, oh, you're such a smart baby.

I was thinking about watching cartoons.

You're so smart.

You're a good baby.

All right, go-- you babies go sit on the couch, OK?

And they have their little nest, where

they got their soft blankets and their toys and everything.

And they're both up there.

And I'm like, which one do you want to watch baby?

And she goes Dora the Explorer daddy.

August, is that cool with you?

F-it!

All right, Dora it is.

So I turn it on for them.

And I have to catch a snack, OK?

There's nothing I can do.

I can't unring the bell, OK?

I--I can't unstone myself.

I want to desperately.

But I just simply can't, OK?

I'd love to.

That would be great.

I would-- I would pay any amount of money

not to be high right now, OK?

But then the next thing I figure is well,

I

If I fall asleep my Lilliputians will

have me tied up like Gulliver in five minutes.

I'm, I can't move, I can't move.

All right?

So I uh, go to make a coffee machine.

That's all I got.

We just redid our house.

And that's all I got that's mine,

OK, is the coffee maker, OK?

It's a in-the-wall coffee machine.

It's awesome.

It makes all my coffee.

And the reason I got it was I had a panic attack

at a coffee shop, a very famous coffee brand.

And I uh, flipped out, OK?

Because the guy making my coffee,

he was a dirty white person.

OK?

And dirty white people gross me out more

than anything else in the world.

I hate dirty white people.

They--they just ugh, ugh, dreadlocks, OK?

But AID-sy dreadlocks, like one's big and one's little, OK?

All right?

And I could smell his funk over the coffee,

OK?

So we're like, six feet away.

I could smell his funky ass, OK, with all these hemp necklaces.

And I think he's got a choker up here.

But it's a ring of dirt, of black beads

like little white trash babies get, OK?

All right, just a funky-ass white dude.

Ugh!

So gross, those white people.

Yleck.

How come white people with dreadlocks smell like coupons

and ass and black people with dreadlocks

smell effervescent and lovely?

Why is that?

That's a good-ass question.

And I'm like, is this kid allergic to soap?

Because he-- this ain't no Tom's of Maine soap you need,

Playboy.

Get that funk off your ass.

You need some old-school Dial soap, OK?

Antibacterial or something, all right?

Funky-ass dirty white-- uh!

All right?

And here's what made me have the panic attack.

He's--he's stirring my coffee.

And as he's stirring it, one of his dreadlocks is hanging

over--over my coffee like the sword of Damocles, OK?

And that's when I flipped out.

I'm like

Get away from my coffee you stinky dirty white people!

I hate you!

I will beat your ass and then I will wash you clean!

Ah!

And uh, that's when they called the cops.

And uh, they got there really fast.

Like a minute and a half, two minutes, cops are there.

I'm-- oh god, this is a embarrassing fat moment.

I am uh-- I'm handcuffed with two pairs of handcuffs.

OK?

I'm like, seriously fellas?

Two pairs of handcuffs, really?

Are y'all afraid I'm going to run away from you real quick

or something?

Like I'm a fat ninja.

I'm just going to drop a smoke bomb

and disappear from Sunset Boulevard, really?

Really?

And they asked me what happened.

And I said, that dirty white guy was making my coffee.

And he almost dunked his dirty-ass dreadlock

into my coffee.

That's a $5 cup of coffee, the son's of bitch

is going to dunk his ass--

And the black guy was like, ooh, that's nasty.

I'm like, I know that's nasty!

Why do you think I flipped out?

The white cop was like, no, no, no, no, it's--it's fine.

And I'm like, no it's not. Ask this brother.

And he's like, yeah, that's nasty.

It is.

Can you take these cuffs off me?

All right, hell yeah, I'll take your cuffs off.

Don't go nowhere.

Like, really?

Where am I going to fly to.

And they ended up citing them for health violations

for having that stinky dirty white guy back there.

But they also gave me a Writ of Trespass

that I can't go back to that uh, coffee shop no more.

And so I have to make my coffee at home.

I can't make it.

I can't go there.

And it's really close to my house too.

It sucks, all right?

So I made myself a four-shot espresso latte macchiato, OK?

All right, it's very good.

It's so good.

Mm.

All right?

And then I put tons of sugar.

And I have to keep on stirring it.

Because it's about to set up like Quickrete, OK?

All right?

I keep on stirring.

I'm drinking my coffee.

I'm getting caffeinated.

And I go back.

And apparently there's two episodes

of Dora the Explorer in every 30 minute block.

I didn't know that, all right?

So uh, I'm watching the start of the n-- I've

never seen this show before, OK?

I didn't know.

And have you seen this show?

If you haven't, it's about a five-year-old little Mexican

girl that's always lost, OK?

And it should be called Dora the Amber

Alert, is what it should be called, OK?

It is--

This--this really freaked me out.

I had a minor panic attack.

I just-- thinking about dirty white guys

and I come in and watch this show.

And I think this show was invented

by someone who wants white people and black people

to hate Mexican people.

That's all I can deduce.

It's just the only thing that makes sense.

They've got this little girl walking

by myself herself in the woods, OK?

As a parent, I'm watching this going, oh my god,

where's that baby's parents?

Who lets their baby walk out in the goddamn woods?

That baby's got a monkey with her, Jesus Christ!

Get that baby away from that monkey!

That monkey will eat that baby's face off, oh my god!

That's what those domesticated monkeys always

do, eat people's faces off.

And they go, oh, I didn't know.

He was a nice monkey.

Till he ate parts of my face off.

Get that baby away from that m--

Now I'm like, who lets their baby walk out

in the middle of the goddamn woods by themselves

with a monkey?

Mexicans.

Oh my god, this thing just made me a racist.

And I realized it's designed to make you a racist.

They've got that little girl crossing

a river in every episode.

Come on man.

Latinos, y'all are under assault everywhere I go.

I was in Arizona.

And the white people there have invented a law

where they're pulling people over for driving Mexican, OK?

I swear to God, all right?

If you've got 49 people in your car good luck

going through Phoenix, Jack.

Good luck.

You're going to need it.

Everybody gets pulled over.

Woop, woop, woop.

Sarge, we got a eight '84 Chevy Silverado, blue on blue,

with three lawn mowers in the back.

Pull that son of a bitch over.

Woop, woop, woop.

I told all my friends in Arizona,

I don't care if you're white black, or brown,

don't live home without your wallet in Arizona.

While you're trying to explain how you ain't Mexican

you'll be eating a dry alone balogna sandwich on a bus ride

down to Mexicali.

Going, I swear to God, my name's Brandon.

I was just mowing my own yard, yeah, what happened?

I don't even speak Spanish.

Look, none of my teeth are silver or baby sized.

Look, look, look.

I don't think the people who made this law up have really

thought it all out, you know?

Think about it, folks, if we get rid of all the Mexicans

not for nothing, how are we going to move?

Everybody I know uses Mexicans, white people, black people,

Mexicans use Mexicans, OK?

I'm not talking about well-nourished American

Mexicans with good bone structure and proper nutrition.

I'm talking about those little mojados, those ones that

sneak over the border that you get at home the Home

Depot, three for $50 or for $100, 12 of them will show up.

And uh, with three old ladies and a

and two tillas.

OK, it takes them 17 minutes, 17 minutes.

And they move all your stuff out of the house

onto one pickup truck, one.

In an upside-down pyramid, they stack it.

It's incredible.

Amazing engineering, amazing.

No rope, no rope.

They just throw the littlest Mexican up on top

and he hold down two mattresses and a coffee table.

It's incredible.

For that 17 minutes your whole house

looks like that movie Apocalypto.

There's uh, little Aztec Indians jumping around, popping up.

And one of them's praying the Quezalcoatl water

on the .

Yeah, yeah, Quezalcoatl .

And as soon as they're done here come these three old ladies,

sweeping, mopping, dusting, washing everything down

with that purple water, that Fabuloso something like that?

I don't know, that ain't from America.

That stuff is bonafied.

That gets off third-world dirt.

Like when you got a-- you got a Cholera outbreak,

you get that Fabuloso Jack, that stuff cleans everything son.

It like, punks out Mr. Clean like he's a bitch, OK?

That Fabuloso is the real deal.

I got a fantasmo way.

I call it Ghost Water, all right?

Because that's what it does.

It-- it just, it's a-- it'll strip man, if you let it

set on there too long.

And these old ladies are cleaning everything.

You're standing in the former shell of your house

going why are we moving?

This is amazing.

It was our crap that was messing this house up.

Man, Mexicans are amazingly clean.

It's funny, when I did that joke--

I--I was telling joke and--and you know,

I tell people that's what the term spic and span comes from.

And uh-- ha, ha, look it up.

Look it up.

Because Mexicans are so clean, see?

See, first you think it's going to be a racial slur.

Then it turns out to be a racial compliment.

Now who's prejudice?

Not me, I love Mexicans.

I was doing this joke in Orange County, California

about a month and a half ago.

And when I did it, a white lady stood up and said,

we have to get rid of all those Mexicans.

They're ruining our country.

And I was just amazed at her racism.

You know?

And it's weird coming from somebody from the south,

you know?

You'd expect I'd have heard outbursts

like that before in my life.

But in the South, you know, I mean,

I was born in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Raised up in little town in Arkansas

called Clarksville and moved to Texas when I was 18.

I mean, I'm southern as it gets, OK?

And I've never heard racial bile spilled like this.

At least in the south we have the good graces and the decorum

to whisper our racial slurs, you know?

And you don't know this about me.

But I grew up spending my Summers

in little town even smaller than my hometown

in South Arkansas called Delight, OK?

It's where my grandfather, Abe May, had his farm.

And it was a beef cattle farm.

And in his older age he didn't have that big a herd.

But he thought that the neighbors

were taking cattle and replacing the tags.

And so he went back to Branding, old-school Branding.

And my brother, being nearly six years my senior,

had no problem flipping these cattle on their ass.

And my grandfather, hol--he hold them down and would lay that

brand on them.

Me, I was a dumpy 11-year-old that I held on.

That's all I did, OK?

I held on and hopefully, the cow would

trip over my uh, dumpy ass, OK, and fall down.

But that day was a hard day for me.

I got beat up by cattle, OK?

I mean, beat the hell-- drug through cow flop,

hot, hot cow crap.

I mean hot, hot.

Way warm-- oh, you think cold is bad?

Cold's not nearly as bad as hot.

Hot is way worse.

Pee, everything.

And got kicked in the goddamn head

I don't know how many times, all right?

By the way, after a day like that,

when your grandfather has to hose you off in the yard

before you can even come into the house, OK, all right?

Nothing tastes better than a cheeseburger.

Because you're angry as hell.

All right?

But my grandfather taught me how to drag them down.

What you got to do is let them run past you a little bit

and then grab them.

Either they're on their ear or the little nubbin horn.

And push down.

And when that turns their head you

pull their head up like this.

And--and they either have the choice of getting their neck

broke or going with you.

And they're all momentum.

You just fall back we'll sling you up them.

And they'll be laying there on the ground, moo, moo, moo.

And that's what I had to do to that lady.

I had to uh-- let that bitch run past me a little bit

then snatch her ass up.

So I was like, ma'am, I'm with you.

Let's get rid of them Mexicans.

I'll buy the gas for the bus.

Just as you can tell me who's going

to pick our fruits and vegetables.

She goes, excuse me?

Uh, well, ma'am, see, 99% of our produce

comes to market through Latino hands.

Without them, uh, we have no fruits and vegetables

in our grocery stores.

Not mine, I get mine at Whole Foods.

Ha ha ha!

You are adorable.

OK, listen dummy, um, they might have hippies out

front at the Whole Foods.

But everybody doing the real work are the Mexicans out back.

OK?

But you're right ma'am, all the Mexicans at Whole Foods

are 100% organic.

And that's what matters.

So uh, then this racist was like,

we'll get a machine to do it.

And I'm like well, ma'am, you know, not for nothing,

for all of our technology, our satellite phones

and TVs and everything, we've never

been able to invent a machine that knows which tomato to pick

and which one to leave hanging, which grape to cut

and which one to leave on the vine.

The machine we invented was Mexicans.

And they're perfect.

They're generally shorter.

Uh, they have uh, they're generally shorter of stature.

That means they have less-- OK, all right,

because I feel it already.

People are going, that's a dick move, Ralphie, all right?

OK, all right, well watch, OK, I am 5'9" and 1/2.

OK?

Average American height is 5'8", OK?

Watch as I attempt to pick low-lying fruits

and vegetables.

OK, watch.

See, I had to bring my back to nearly 90-degree angle.

Over the course of the day that would

make for extreme amounts of lower back pain

and fatigue, making me A, a poor employee, OK?

Now watch as the average Mexican national attempts

the same thing.

Perfect sense, right?

Perfect sense.

They're awesome.

Then she goes, we'll get white people to do it.

And I'm like, ma'am, why do you think

the Mexicans are here now?

Because we can't get white people to do it, OK?

But let's just go with your premise, OK?

First of all, are you a native Californian?

She goes (IMITATING WOMAN) yes, I am, OK.

And is that your son with you? Yes, it is.

And I'm like, well, ma'am, that boy is allergic to work, OK?

He's never had to work hard, OK?

Uh, with his little cool little Justin Bieber haircut

and his flip-flops and his skate park pass, he's adorable.

But he's never really worked, OK?

He doesn't know hard work, OK, hard physical labor.

He'd last and hour working like a Mexican,

OK, if you could even get him out there to do it.

And he's too busy doing this.

OK?

All right?

That boy is allergic to work, OK?

That's all you can say, it's the truth, all right?

Plus, you've never known a time without Mexican labor.

This is California.

A ton of people-- California was chock full of Mexicans

back when it was called Mexico, OK?

That's something we all forget is that there's

a lot of Mexicans that never crossed the border.

The border crossed them, all right?

They're like, I guess we stay.

So I'm like, ma'am, it just doesn't make any sense,

you know?

You're just dumb, OK?

You-- OK, let's say we could get white people to do it.

What would it cost you? $30 an hour

to get white people to work like Mexicans?

Probably more.

And then there's other costs along with it

like free sunblock.

How much money you going to spend

in sunblock with white people?

You get somebody as pale as me or this fat guy

or that white dude, OK, out there in the field,

with that much direct light, we'll blow up, OK?

Poom! What happened to Bob?

He wasn't wearing his damn SPFs, that's what happened to Bob.

Change the sign, 0 days since last accident.

Fuck you sons of bitches.

You either wear your sunblock or you can come out here

in a beekeeper outfit, OK?

I'm not going to have OSHA crawl up my ass for this crap.

Because you sons of bitches won't

wear your goddamn sunblock, you hear me?

Plus white people are lazy.

White people, we invented the three-day weekend.

That's how lazy we are.

It's the truth.

Nobody wants to admit it, how white people, oh no,

we're not lazy.

Ah, come on, stop.

Really?

OK?

Presidents' Day?

Really?

Does anyone sit around and wonder about the Taft

administration on Presidents' Day?

No, no.

Memorial Day, Mexicans don't know about--about Memorial Day.

That's a Monday to a Mexican.

That's a workday.

We got to work on Monday, make money.

Labor Day is the biggest crock of crap uh, of all time.

OK, in honor of everyone that's working we're not going to.

You see what I'm saying?

It just doesn't make any sense.

And Fourth of July, that's just between the third and the fifth

of July for a Mexican, OK?

All right, one day for Mexicans, Cinco de Mayo.

You better have cold beer on May 5.

But that's one day as opposed to 23 for white people.

That's nearly a full month of added productivity

you're going to get out of a Mexican national

that you could never get out of a white American.

Do you understand?

OK, now let's put it in basic terms.

If white people pick your fruits and vegetables

your salad's going to cost $97.

You want a cheeseburger?

3.50.

You want pickles on it, $12.

Damn, are those magic pickles?

What the hell is going on?

And then this white lady goes, I guess we'll get somebody else.

And I'm like, who ma'am, who?

Who?

Uh, I don't know, I guess black people.

And I'm like ah!

I see some black guys about to stand up.

Hold on playboys, I got this, OK, don't worry about it, OK?

I was like, ma'am if you think you're

getting black people back in the same field

they got out of 150 years ago, you are smoking crack, OK?

I hate to break it to you.

But you can't get a black man to go into a big backyard

and pick a movie, much less a fruit or a vegetable.

Am I lying or am I dying?

Retarded.

You are dumb, just dumb.

That plastic surgeon done going to your head bitch, something.

You stupid.

But that doesn't take away from the fact

that Arizona, probably the most racist state in the union, OK?

This law is fundamentally racist.

And the people in Arizona say, no it's not.

The lawmakers say it's not racist at all.

Really?

Then how come nobody's pulling over white people

under being suspicion of being Canadian?

See, the danger with this law is,

is that if we as Americans-- if we don't say anything

when they come for one group it makes it incredibly easier

to not say anything when they come for another group.

And when they come for you there ain't

going to be nobody left to say anything.

OK, we have to stand up as a country .

We have to stop this in his tracks.

This law is wrong.

But Arizona has a long history, man.

They were the last state in the union

to ratify Doctor King Day, OK?

Arguably one of the greatest non-elected Americans

in the history of our nation, a man whose sole purpose in life

was to make America live by her own words

"That all men are created equal."

And to this cause he put his blood, his sweat, his tears,

ultimately he gave his life upon the altar

that we be made whole as a country and realize the truth,

that as a nation we're all fingers upon the same hand.

We may not look alike.

But we're all needed.

And to this great man Arizona said, no.

10 years past every other state.

That means even past Alaska, OK?

Let's put that in perspective.

We've got more black people in this room than they

have in th--the state of Alaska.

OK?

If you're black and in Alaska what happened?

OK?

Were you loading on bags at Detroit International

and hit your head and woke up cold like a son of a bitch?

Like, whoa, it's freezing son.

It was cold as hell.

I ain't never been no cold like that.

All right?

I gots to know.

This is a story I want to hear.

That's what they're saying, is they would rather

hate somebody than take a day off.

That's fundamentally not American.

Usually your lazy gene will trump any hatred we might have.

But no, not in Arizona.

They're like, screw you black people.

We're going to work.

Those niggers ain't keeping us home.

We're working niggers.

That's crazy.

I know black people that would celebrate Ku Klux Klan day

for the free day from work.

What y'all doing?

We're getting our clan on up in this son of a bitch.

That's what we're doing.

Kids are out back playing and Grandmama's sheets.

That boy Ray Ray got a pillowcase on his head

saying he's the grand wizard and everything,

trying to use Harry Potter magic to change

black babies into white babies.

Later on we're going to burn one of those big-ass crosses

like them redneck peckerwoods do.

And when it burns down we're going to put some ribs on them

coals, you know what I'm saying?

That's right, because the cross, the cross, the cross

is on fire.

We don't need no water let the--

This country, you know, we're so much better

than we give ourselves credit for.

Its a hologram.

Racism in this country is a hologram.

It's a tool used by the powers that be to keep us,

the populace, looking at each other

instead of looking up and seeing what they're doing, OK?

You know, all it is is a distraction.

And it's been working for a long time.

E-even in the '60s and '70s we got all the uh, legislation's

passed, Civil Rights Act, Voter Registration Act passed, OK?

All these wonderful bills that really

leveled the playing field, OK?

We had integration.

We have people going to school with people of different races,

OK?

People were getting to know each other

and realize there's no difference, OK?

Forces that be still wanted us looking

at each other, all right?

And they used it, you know?

White people are going, oh, don't--don't go over there.

Those black people, they're stealing white babies.

Oh lord, Jeez, you got to stay away from them black people.

Them black people are going to get you.

All right?

And black folks, y'all were the same thing.

Those cracker-ass white people,

they're putting stuff in chicken to make your junk fall off.

Nu-uh.

Mm-hmm.

That's right.

It'll make your thing drop right off, it sure will.

And why did they have us looking at each other?

So we wouldn't look up and see how the reason we're in Vietnam

wasn't a real reason at all.

The Gulf of Tonkin incident was a radar glitch, OK?

But we used it as an escalation point.

And what did that cost us?

Over 58,000 US lives, OK?

Hundreds of thousands more injured, OK?

What did it cost the country of Vietnam?

A million people, OK?

And then they got their way.

And we obviously don't give a damn

because we're trading with them.

They make our Nike's, OK?

You know?

You know, right?

Right, we don't mind, OK?

It doesn't make any sense.

But in the '70s, man, white and black

were starting to see eye to eye.

Things were getting together.

OK, it was disco.

Number one show in the country was Sanford and Son.

Number three show was Good Times.

All right, why?

Because they were well-written shows.

But also they showed a different perspective.

And white people realized that there's not

that much difference between white and black.

OK?

The truth of the matter is, it's rich and poor.

Now like, where I grew up, in Arkansas,

there was no black or white.

We're all broke, OK?

What's your color?

Poor.

OK?

You know?

That's the truth of the matter, you know?

When you eat your cereal out of a Cool Whip bowl stained

with chili or spaghetti sauce does

it really matter if you're black or you're white?

You're broke.

You're broke.

And you know, j-- then the '80s happened.

And we had this huge influx of Latinos

coming North because of a depression in Mexico.

And Cuba gets rid of everybody that's not pro Fidel.

And uh, white and black had learned

a lesson over the last 20 years.

They're all sitting around going,

who are all these beaners?

All these brown people coming to our country,

these beaner

All right, now some of them are like,

have you tried their food?

That's stuff's delicious.

They're like, what?

For real?

Mm-hmm, good as hell son, delicious.

All right?

I met-- The first Mexican I met was in 1982, June 17,

glorious day.

OK?

It was a hot day in Arkansas.

It was 108 and 100% humidity.

And it wasn't raining.

When the wind blew it felt like a dog was breathing on you.

And uh, uh, I got a knock on the door.

And there's a little Mexican fellow

with his head in his hands saying

he'd mow my yard for $10.

And I'm like, goddamn right you will.

All right?

You can come and do it next week too.

And uh, why not?

My mom paid me point $20 to do it, you know?

I figure I give him 10, I make 10.

Now I'm a supervisor.

this is awesome, OK?

In the '80s we had the uh, the Soviets.

That was the big thing.

Everybody thought the Soviets were going to get us.

I remember those commercials where they showed us-- yeah,

they never showed us what real soviet kids looked like.

We never would have pointed our missiles at them.

That's not our country, you know?

Blonde hair, blue eyes, whiter than we are going,

excuse me sir, can I have some more?

All right?

You know?

We never would have blown those kids up.

What did we see?

We saw guys in big furry hats goosestepping like the wicked

witch of the west guard, Oh-ee-oh-oh-oh.

All right?

And big missiles on big trucks and bears,

I was more scared of the bears than I was of the bombs.

I didn't know what a nuclear was at 10.

I knew if they dropped those bears on us we're fucked, OK?

Like, those bears, oh my god, they're everywhere.

And that's why we made movies during the '80s like Red Dawn,

where we showed those dirty Soviets killing

Soda Pop and Pony Boy.

And somebody's putting baby in the corner.

And wolverines and then Judd Nelson

ended-- he had his hand up like that, I don't know.

What's funny is no one under 25 realizes

I just melded four movies into one.

That's what's funny, all right?

You got some Netflix homework to do player.

You got some Netflix homework to do.

But in 1991 after we uh, bankrupted the Soviet Union

and they uh, and you know, it broke up,

basically we experienced the greatest amount of growth

any nation's ever experienced in the history of the world.

Why?

Because white, black, and brown were finally

working together, OK?

And that we were living Doctor King's dream.

OK, that we were working together.

And all that changed on a Tuesday morning in 2001

when Arabs flew airplanes into buildings and boom,

we had a brand new race war.

We had white, black, and brown versus a new kind of brown, OK?

And that's where we're at now, OK?

(SINGING TO THE MELODY OF "RHYTHM IS GOING TO GET YOU")

The Muslim is going to get you.

The Muslim is going to get you.

The Muslim is going to get you tonight, Allah, Allah, Allah,

Allah.

The Muslim is going to get you.

The Muslim is going to get you.

That's the new Boogieman.

Whatever you do, don't look at th--

in a mirror say Muslim three times.

One of them stinky unibrow sons of bitches

will show up right behind you with a big-ass turban,

beard, genie bottle in one hand, magic carpet in the other.

Dynamite belt.

Last thing you'll smell is couscous, camel hump,

and diesel fuel.

Boom, then he blows you up, nu-uh.

Mm-hmm.

(SINGING TO THE MELODY OF RYTHM IS GOING TO GET YOU)

Because the Muslim is going to get you.

The Muslim is going to get you, The Muslim

is going to get you tonight.

Allah, Allah.

Allah, Allah.

They want us to be excited.

I'm sorry.

I just--

I have a real hard time being afraid

of a dude who's wearing a dress down

below his knees and uh, flip

If you're dressed like my mama going down the Galveston

Beach I'm really not that afraid of you,

you know what I'm saying?

You're kind of dressed like a pussy dude,

you know what I mean?

Maybe that's just the southern in me.

But if I could stub your toe and put you out of the fight,

I'm not really that afraid, OK?

But it is interesting, you know, since then, what's happened.

And we just allow it too, you know?

We allow the government to listen

to our phones and our emails and everything.

And we just give up our personal liberties.

And Benjamin Franklin said it best,

"If you give up liberty for security you deserve neither

and you will get neither."

Do you understand what I mean?

OK?

It's not our country.

We have to get back to who we are as nation.

They can kill an individual.

But they didn't kill America, OK?

There's no way they could kill America.

OK?

Because America's not a thing.

It's a dream.

It's a way of thinking.

It's a group of people from all corners of the earth living

under a document that starts with three

simple words, "We the people".

And people forget about that.

They think that oh, they're going to get us.

No, they're not.

All right?

And who are we fighting?

1% or 1%, OK?

There's 1.8 billion of them.

OK, we're fighting 1% of 1% of them, OK,

that's who we're fighting.

And who are we fighting them with?

The best of our world, our US servicemen and women.

These guys are incredible.

They're incredible, aren't they?

Amazing.

In 22 years of standup I've been on 19 USO tours.

And it's awe inspiring to see these men and women.

These are guys that give up their whole lives.

And--and the people they leave behind, your families,

you are the unsung heroes too.

Because you didn't volunteer, OK?

You know, your son or daughter did,

or your husband or your wife did, you know?

You people left behind have a burden to bear too.

Because every-- you're afraid every time

you watch CNN or something that your child's name

might scroll across the bottom.

Thank you for your sacrifice.

I hope this nation's good enough to give them back to you,

you know?

They're incredible.

They really are.

They're amazing, amazing people.

You know?

And they do a great job.

I remember I was in Iraq in 2003.

And um, we were there.

We were the first USO tour in.

And uh, I mean, I didn't see anybody sleeping in bunks,

in mattresses.

They were sleeping in ditches, OK?

The weather, it was 135 degrees during the day.

It dropped down to a brisk 112 at night.

And uh, yeah, it was really just a relief.

It was just like, so nice.

Oh my god.

And it's like, ooh, this is parka weather.

I love it.

It's getting crisp, mm.

They--they were so afraid of me getting dehydrated.

Even though they were under a water ration

where they only got to drink a liter and a 1/2, uh, a day,

they would give me some of their water.

Because they were afraid because I'm fat.

I'm like, no, I'm like a camel, trust me brother.

I got it.

I got it.

I'll be fine, thank you.

You keep them for you.

And they--they would give up their water for me.

I mean, do you know what I mean?

That's the-- that's who these people are.

You know?

When they raise their hand to protect

this nation and its constitution against all enemies

both foreign and domestic they do it.

They live by words like service and duty and honor.

They're incredible men and women.

And then I see how they're treated.

You know, none of the Humvees I drove in

had anything but canvas doors.

They weren't armored, OK?

And it's like, the safest place in Iraq

was on the inside of me, you know what I mean?

It's like, let Ralph have the window, OK?

Let Raphie-- all right, it had to be a big-ass bomb

to get through Ralphie, OK?

And--and I was like, oh, everybody's letting me ride

shotgun.

That's so nice.

I didn't realized until I left, those sons of bitches.

They just-- they-- and you can't blame them, you know?

We send them to war with half their equipment.

And we expect them to do a full job.

It doesn't make any sense.

You know?

But I didn't notice something striking.

Because I've done, also, shows in prisons.

And everybody there has a bunk.

And everybody there gets at least three showers a week,

depending on their sex life.

Um-- they uh, somehow we treating our prisoners

better than we do our military.

And I don't understand that.

It doesn't make any sense to me.

You know, I go to Walter Reed.

And uh, I mean, men and women who've left their legs and arms

in southwest Asia and-- and these guys, they--they tell me,

they go Ralphie I wish they'd blow my hand off my right hand

side I didn't have to fill out so much goddamn paperwork.

You know?

I'm amazed.

You know, these guys, they're our best.

If I was ever going to run for office, and by the way,

I'm not going to do it, if I do it, for a long time.

Because A, I don't want to take the pay cut.

B, I'm going to get assassinated really quick, OK?

You don't even have to be a good shot to kill me,

you know what I mean?

You could-- you could shoot up, hit my fat ass, OK?

All right?

But if I was going to run for office,

I would move to make it a constitutional amendment

that if you do certain crimes you

don't get to be a citizen anymore.

And I'll clean out our jails.

Murder, rape, pedophile, OK, they'd all go.

You know?

Because it's really hard to be an ex-murderer,

you know what I mean?

Like, oh, I used to kill people.

Uh, really?

uh, huh, huh, OK, this interview's over.

Um--

Yeah, I don't drink anymore, thank God.

Man, I used to get rapey as hell.

I'd get all drunk on Jager.

And I'd just rape and rape and rape.

OK, I think uh, no, the position's been filled.

But we'll keep your application on file.

Get out of here.

We--we--we have no use for these people.

A lot of them are repeat offenders.

And besides, most of them like to kill.

Put them in the game.

I think we dump all these people into Afghanistan,

withdraw all of our troops, let them keep the guns.

They could have it, all right?

People go, Ralphie, they'll just walk away.

Where are they going to talk to, Iran?

No.

Uh, Pakistan?

Different side of the same fight.

China's already got a wall up.

You ain't getting in there.

Where you going to go to?

Wherever you go, you're not going to come back here.

And I bet they stay there.

Because every time they kill a Taliban or an Al Qaeda

we'll give them free Hot Pockets.

All right?

All those predator drones, that are flying around, OK,

we'll just-- instead of hellfire missiles we'll-- well load them

up with Hot Pockets in Hot Pocket rockets.

That's what we'll call them, Hot Pocket rockets.

And it'll be awesome.

They'll get just a poof, ooh, Hot Pocket, ooh,

that's hot, hot.

You know?

And that whole country's only got 68 cars.

Think about, like, a serial killer like Ted Bundy.

That guy would have a field day in that country, you know?

Where are you going?

Kandahar.

Get in.

Hot Pocket, that's awesome.

It'd be terrific.

We'd clean out our jails.

We'd clean up Afghanistan.

And we'd put people there that we can actually talk to.

You know what I mean?

Who kills gang bangers better than gang bangers?

Nobody, OK?

Let's do it.

OK?

Let's put them in.

All right, I'm all for it.

But man, I'm the only one.

You know, everybody else wants to well,

the rights, blah, blah, blah.

Right?

It's a good idea.

I bet in six months we'd have gang bangers walking

around Kandahar going boy, I don't even

think I can eat no more Hot Pockets.

I'm full up.

And then in 50 years we'd have our very own Australia

right there in Asia.

It's awesome.

Pretty good idea, right?

I know, just get rid of our problem, all right?

And we saved every budget in this country, OK?

All the state budgets are broke.

So you don't have to fire any teachers

and we can rebuild schools.

Because we have extra money because we're

not housing murderers and rapists.

And we don't have these quality people, our US servicemen

and women that are coming home with post-traumatic stress

disorder.

You can't get PTSD when you like to kill.

That's like me having flashbacks to a Chinese buffet in 1992.

I was King Bo Number Two.

Oh my god, there was fried food everywhere, oh god, fried rice,

oh, get in my mouth, oh.

You know?

I

I'm not going to lie to you.

I was there.

I was in and amongst it.

I'm not one of these fat people that

go, oh, it's all glandular.

No.

It's

That's what it is.

That's what it is.

I know, because Chinese food doesn't

make any Chinese people fat.

But man, does it mess us up.

I think it's because we don't do it with chopsticks.

Like, if they had a fork over there

we'd get some fat people in China too.

That's all I'm saying.

There's one boogie man that ain't

going to get anybody anymore.

And that's Ol' Bin Laden.

Bin Laden's done got got.

Isn't that crazy?

I know, if I told you 10 years ago that uh, it

would be the Navy that got Bin Laden, you'd be like, stop.

There's no water there.

What, did they drop a boat on his ass?

I mean, come on son.

Those Navy SEALS, boy, they handled their business Jack,

got in-- killed his ass.

Then they threw him in the ocean like a Decepticon.

Bloop.

I just wish somebody made a Weekend at Bernie's video

with that son of a bitch before we tossed his ass overboard.

Wouldn't that have been great?

You know, duct tape him to a chair,

have somebody working his beard so it

looks like his mouth's moving, put some sunglasses on him.

You know, I am Osama Bin Laden.

Let us stop all of this terrorism

and live in peace with our brothers.

And I know the Quran says if you kill

one man you've killed all men in the eyes of Allah.

Peace be onto us all.

Just give us the New Kids on the Block and we'll stop.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Baba Booey, Baba Booey splash.

Tha'td be awesome.

That would kick ass.

Weekend at Bin Laden's, it'd be awesome.

It'd be a hit on YouTube forever.

Everybody would love it. Dude,

have you seen Weekend at Bin Laden's?

It's hilarious.

They just want the New Kids on the Block.

Send them, send them, send them.

We're not using them anymore.

Send them.

Send them.

Let me ask you a question, OK, these Navy SEALs

that did their job expeditiously that are amazing individuals,

these men are elite, OK?

Special forces across the board.

I've been protected while on USO tours

by green berets and Navy SEALs.

By the way, they're really sneaky and quiet,

and sneaking up on you.

First night in Iraq I go to take a pee at 3 AM.

And I guess my guard was watching me.

And I didn't know he was there.

I--I didn't hear anything until he was breathing right

on my neck. Hey Ralph, what are you up to?

Ah!

Well, I was going to go pee.

But no need for that.

Mission accomplished.

Your quiet as hell, you know that right?

He goes yeah, I know.

It was a velociraptor you son of a bitch.

to make some noise before you come over.

So there's a pair of underwear that's

not going back home with me.

That was my contribution to building,

There's a pair of big-ass underwear.

You know, somebody that's like, .

All right?

These men and women are incredible, Special Forces, OK?

They really are.

They're amazing warriors.

And we're lucky to have them.

Uh, but let me ask you something.

Would you feel-- look in your hearts--

would you feel any different about those men on SEAL Team 6

who brought Bin Laden to justice, if you found out

that they had slept with a couple of dudes in their life

before.

AUDIENCE: Hell no!

-Hell no.

Right?

It'd be like, homo, you're a hero, right?

Hell yeah.

You give that boy some ribbons.

I know they love ribbons.

Get him a baby blue ribbon to go around his neck.

Ooh, better yet, let's have a parade.

Let's have a parade.

That'd be awesome.

I know we just repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell.

But people still have a problem with it.

And even though the majority of the people

in the military polled said we don't have a problem with it.

We can work with anybody.

As long as they do their job, I don't care who they sleep with.

That's right.

That's how it should be.

But what were we before this?

What were we saying to these people?

You can be anything in this country.

You can in every professional sport.

You can be the head of billion-dollar industries.

But you can be-- your brothers, your sisters, your cousin.

You can be the aunt that brought her "roommate"

to Thanksgiving 19 years in a row.

And your mom's like, I don't know why she can't find a man.

Mom, are retarded, OK?

That's your sister, all right?

The reason she can't find a man is

because she likes chicks mom.

Nu-uh, don't say that.

I'm not-- it's nothing bad.

It's just the truth, sorry mom.

She's pretty cool to talk with, you know?

Anyways, that's what we were saying,

that you could be anything.

But if you want to raise your hand and serve this country

you can't do it.

You can't protect your family.

Nope, nope, nope, because you sleep with the wrong people.

All right?

That's what we were saying.

Like really?

Like, you're afraid you're not going

to be able to march without sucking each other off?

You know, (IMITATES DRILL SARGEANT)

left, stride to your left.

Really?

Really?

Is that we're worried about?

Really?

We won't be able to shoot without junk hitting them

in the head?

Stop, stop, get.

I'm trying to be a sniper, OK?

Now get.

In a minute, Jesus.

The big problem is with uh, heterosexual men being uh,

homophobic or fear of-- that means

they're afraid of gay guys.

Really?

Really?

I got to be honest with you, as a fat guy that's always

done better with women than I ever should have,

I think it's I'll due to gay men.

I got to be honest with you.

There's no way.

You've seen my wife.

She's smoking hot.

There's no way I should be banging

high-quality tail like that, all right?

And it's only-- and there-- by the way,

there's a lot of men in here with women

way above their level, just so you know.

OK?

I know because there's guys going, he ain't talking to me.

No, I'm talking exactly to you.

You owe gay guys a little debt of gratitude too, OK?

All right?

Have you seen gay guys?

They're handsome.

Like, there's very few guys on the front row

that could be gay, OK?

I'm sorry, it's just the truth.

They're handsome, OK?

They're all ripped.

They're all P90X-ed up.

They're not fat bastards like me.

Mm, no, no, no.

You can't come in.

You're too big.

They're handsome.

They're rich.

They have tons of disposable income.

You know why mean?

They never spend a dime on a woman.

Imagine, imagine how rich you would

be if you never spent one dime on a woman.

It's staggering, isn't it?

You're like, oh my god, that's a lot of money man.

I know.

Because you know how a gay relationship starts?

Boy, I sure could use a Hummer.

What a coincidence.

Done.

No dinner, movies, comedy shows, concerts, done.

Maybe I'll Facebook him later.

Maybe I'll Facebook him.

That's it, done, over, simple.

Not us man, every gay man has effectively

taken at least a minimum of two handsome man off the market.

That leaves beautiful women with no choice

but to come to somebody like me.

I'm the only one left.

Everybody's already left the party.

I'm the last one there, OK?

My odds are up, OK?

That's a wingman.

Every gay man is the greatest wingman you'll ever have, OK?

There's a lot of cute couples here, OK?

A lot of y'all are like-- like, are y'all dating?

Are y'all dating?

OK, kind of dating?

You guess, maybe?

Dude, say you are, trust me. say you

are You're not going to do better than that one, OK?

I got to tell you, all right?

If you think no, I'm waiting to trade up,

you're

All right?

If you went to a straight party OK, with all

your straight friends OK?

And someone handed you a pill, said take this, and you do it.

And you're drinking a couple of beers.

And you thought it was maybe like a Vicodin or something.

Because come on, let's be honest, in the Midwest

we save our painkillers till when we're feeling better, OK?

All right?

Right?

Right?

And it turned out to be a Percocet

and you passed out like a bitch.

All right? while you're passed out,

do you think that any of your straight friends

will not try to bang your super

Of course they would.

Because they're sons of bitches, right?

They're total dicks.

Total dicks.

Same thing happened at your gay buddy's house, OK?

You pass out.

You wake up, boom, she's more bang-able than when

sh-- you went to sleep.

She's prettier.

You're like oh my god, you're even more beautiful.

Is this the drugs?

And that's when your gay friend will come in.

We had a makover!

It was awesome.

We redid her hair, highlights and lowlights.

And then we stripped all the makeup off

and went to earth tones and just highlighted her eyes.

And you know, we just had a good time, OK?

You know, it was great.

That's a wingman, brother.

That's a wingman.

That's who you want fighting for you.

Whenever you're driving around and you see a man

behind the wheel of the Mini Cooper

or a PT Cruiser or a Prius, even gay people go,

the Prius is the gayest one.

It is the gayest one.

I mean, it's got a lisp in the name.

Let's be honest.

That's weird.

Prius!

Give them a little beep beep.

Going to appreciate you, gay man, appreciate you.

You took two hot dudes off the market bro,

let me get laid last night.

You're a good man. (IMITATES MAN) We do what we can.

We do what we can.

I try to tell my uh, redneck buddies from Arkansas

this stuff.

And they ain't hearing it man.

They're like, uh, Ralphie,

You can't hang out with gay people

man, that's how you get the gay.

And I'm like, you know that's how it doesn't happen, Right

like, you just don't hang out with gay dudes then

two hours just start sneezing oral.

You know what I mean?

Ah.

Dammit, I done caught the.

Gay.

Can someone run me down to Walgreen's?

I can get me some GayQuil or Fagtussin or-- in parts

of the south they--they uh, they're using religion to hate

on these people.

You know, they're like, you know, there's that group,

that Westboro Baptist Church.

Those assholes that protest everybody.

And their motto is say, you know, God hates fags.

Go

Then why does he keep on making so many of them then?

What, is he trying to redecorate the earth?

We're going to-- We're going to put trees over here.

It's amazing, OK.

Are you ready?

Are you ready?

All the mountains are now going to be purple.

It's going to be amazing.

They're really worked up over this.

But I can't get o-- I don't understand why.

All right, luck, put your burden down.

Hating anyone is stupid, OK?

Hating anybody just for the sake of hate is dumb.

You know, get to know them.

Hate them for some of that shit, all right?

Hate them for stuff they really did.

Like you know, he's a dick, you know?

That guy's a dick.

All right, then just hate him for that.

Don't hate him because he's gay.

That doesn't make any sense.

All right, put your burden down.

You know, I can tell you this all day long.

If you don't do it, then there's nothing--

I'm just wasting my breath, you know?

But I'm going to tell you something,

that hatred you're carrying around for whatever group

you hate, it's not going to make you any richer.

It's not going to give you more time with your children.

You're not going to live longer.

Nobody gets out of this life alive, OK?

Put your burden down.

Life's too hard to carry that other stuff.

Put it down.

You know?

All that hatred, it's like uh, bags of groceries in your face.

And you're walking around in life.

And you're missing out on quality people.

You know?

If I'd carried that hatred that was ingrained in me,

that homophobia that was ingrained in me

in Little Town, Arkansas, then I would have missed out

on one of the best people in my life, my buddy Gay Tony.

Gay Tony's awesome.

That ain't his real name.

That's just how it appears in my cell phone.

Uh-- Gay Tony's awesome.

He's--he's one of my best friends.

I love him.

And uh, I--I like him better than I do my own brother,

you know?

Gay Tony's never made my wife cry.

Gay Tony's never called my a dirty Jew

or asked me when my son's horns fell off, OK?

Yeah, yeah.

See, if I had held onto that hate I would never

have known that guy, you know?

That's stupid.

Gay Tony's one of the best things

that ever happened to me.

He's awesome.

I love him like a brother.

Actually, I love him better than my brother.

OK, to be honest with you.

I talk to Gay Tony more than I do my own brother.

My brother's kind of a dick.

I know, is this too real?

I'm sorry.

Is this too real?

All right, you know?

The truth of the matter is, is if you hate gay people

and you're straight then don't be a hypocrite about it.

Don't add to the problem, OK?

If you hate uh, gay people, as a straight person,

you probably should stop having sex.

Because it's straight people that make gay people.

Gay people can't make gay people.

Look it up.

Google back door baby right now.

Google back door baby.

0 results, 0 results.

Lesbians, you can bump donuts all day long and half the night

girls.

You might get vapor lock.

But you ain't going to make no baby, you know what I'm saying?

Ain't no sunshine when she's--

Seeing as I'm talking and I'm taking on the big subjects

right there, there's one that we-- that no comic's ever

talked about that needs to get taken care of.

I think we, as a country, have left something uh,

on a coffee table, a loaded handgun.

And that handgun is words, OK?

And people go, words aren't hurtful.

The hell they're not.

You've never been called whatever ethnic group

you are in a mean

And until you've had that happen to you, then

that's when you realize there really is something out

there that hurts people, OK?

And uh, why do I give a damn about this now?

Because I've got babies.

And I realize that no one else is

going to do anything to get rid of these words that

hurt people's feelings and make them feel horrible as a human,

shatter their souls, OK?

So I have to.

I have to.

If somebody's got to do it, I got to do it.

You know?

Behind this microphone's a lot of power.

And uh, somebody's got to fight for the people who can't, all

right?

We're too easy.

A buddy of mine, Billy Wayne Davis,

uh, we were smoking weed.

And uh, Billy always comes up with these deep-ass questions

when we're stoned.

And he was like, (IMITATES BILLY WAYNE) Dude?

Yeah dude?

Dude, what would America be like

if all of the white people were black

and all the black people were white?

Damn, man, that's a deep-ass question

Billy Wayne. (IMITATES BILLY WAYNE) I know, man, I know.

Well, I can't speak for-- you mean like,

if this country was founded by black people

then they stole white people here to build it?

He's like yes.

And I'm like, wow.

I tell you one thing that'd be different.

In 2011 no one would be allowed to say the word cracker.

And we'd all put cheese on niggers.

It's OK, white people, look to your nearest black person.

They're laughing, they know.

I called you crackers all night long.

How come nobody got mad?

Because crackers are delicious.

They're great in soup, chili, what?

Get in my mouth.

Uh, cheese, summer sausage, hello.

In my mouth hole, so good.

I've stayed at horrible Superbowl parties

just because they had good-ass crackers.

I'm like, I ain't leaving until them Waverly

butter crackers are gone, OK, all right?

Crackers are great.

But what tastes even better than a cracker?

Brownies.

See, we're halfway there.

There you go.

That gave me the idea, that's how

we should get rid of the words, OK?

Is we make them into delicious cookies.

Like, I propose we make the world's greatest

cookie, a cookie so magnificent, so wonderful that one bite,

you're instantly addicted.

And you have a face

You're like, ah, ah, ah.

Ah, that's an amazing cookie.

All right?

A cookie that's part Samoan, remember those?

Mm, all right?

Then those Pepperidge Farm Sausalito cookies.

Like, so good.

There's like, eight in a bag.

And they cost $12.

But you don't care.

All right?

I got two babies on the floor.

And they ain't never tasted them cookies, OK?

Those are grown-ass man cookies.

OK?

I don't even know why they make them resealable.

OK?

I uh-- this is a fat confession OK?

Oh my god, this is how fat I am.

I--I--I-- Stretch.

I--I--I crease the edge.

And I tip up the bag to get all the crumbs.

And if I spill any on my chest wet the finger,

like--like-- like a coke addict.

I'm like, aw, ah, ah, that's a good-ass cookie.

All right?

They're so good.

Ugh.

On top of that cookie-- I ain't done yet--

I'm going to put a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

right in the middle.

A whole Reese, not them little ones, that ain't no fun.

Them fun-sized candy bars ain't fun at all.

OK?

You just get started and they're gone, OK?

Come on, I need-- let's do this.

All right?

A whole Reese.

And then on top of that I put a mess of caramel.

All right?

And we call that cookie Niggers.

Now, I sense a little apprehension.

OK?

It's going to be a very tough first five years.

I'm not lying to you.

All right?

But thank God I'm a strong man.

And I can take this, the criticism that's

going to come after this airs, trust me.

I know, I'm going to-- it's all going to come at me.

OK?

But I think I'm right, man.

I think we can do it.

If we just get over ourselves.

You know, we come into this world a clean slate, you know?

Everything we know, hate and love

is all learned behavior, OK?

If we've learned these hateful words we can unlearn them.

Or we can transmogrify these words

into something that doesn't hurt anyone's feelings, OK?

That's what I want to do.

I want to make calling someone those hateful words as

benign as calling someone a Fig Newton or a Chips Ahoy.

Like, whoa, be careful when

you go down to Houston.

Ever since Katrina them Fig Newton's is crazy.

They shooting everybody, calling even just simple Chips Ahoy

people like me, they're just killing regular old Chips Ahoy

folks like me over a pair of Converse All Stars.

Those Fig Newtons are crazy, son.

They be killing everybody.

Now why does that sound funny?

Because it's preposterous, all right?

I took every racial slur and just subbed it out

for a delicious cookie.

All right?

And no one was offended.

And--and by the way, your hesitation is correct,

all right?

But you're not really the people I'm trying to change, OK?

You're not the ones.

You're evolved, OK?

You're all people that have gone to school, people

of different races, that have been on teams.

And if you were going to win you had work together.

And race didn't matter, OK?

It was-- it was whatever helmet you were wearing

or whatever jersey you were wearing.

That was your team.

Maybe you've loved someone of interracial.

Maybe you've made a beautiful interracial baby.

Maybe you just found love in someplace that you know,

society doesn't necessarily think is right.

But it happens to be somebody of a different color.

And trust me, when it comes to love

it's too hard to be-- to get specific.

It's too hard, OK?

If you fall in love with somebody, regardless

of their color, or their religion or whatever,

you know, crap society tells you is wrong, then just love them.

That's all that matters.

Just love them.

All right?

Same sex, just love them.

It's easy, it's easy.

It's really easy, all right?

I want to change the racist people.

OK?

Those are the guys that want to mentally mess up, OK?

I want them saying things they thought

they would never say, OK?

Now remember, one by bite of this cookie,

you're instantly addicted.

And you have a face

All right.

What the hell kind of cookie is that?

Oh my god, these niggers are amazing.

I love niggers.

Wow, what is that?

What is

Let me try one of these wetback cookies.

Oh God, that's a good-ass cookie too.

I love wetbacks and niggers.

This is a-- wait, these are Jewish cookies?

Oh my god.

They're almost as good as the wetback.

Oh, they're better, they're extra Jewy, oh, I love them.

Oh.

god, and they're cheaper than the wetbacks.

They're awesome.

And then guess what?

In 10 years the racist people don't have any more ammunition

to be hateful, OK?

So they're left with one option, to get along with the program,

OK?

To be like everybody else and go,

you know, I guess there's no problem with that person

because of their skin color or who they pray to or whatever.

I don't care.

It doesn't affect me in the least.

I don't care.

All right?

And then as a nation we all benefit.

I bet within 10 years we're all looking forward

to Girl Scout nigger time.

How many boxes did you get?

42.

42, you fat bastard.

Hey, with 42 you get the t-shirt.

I love niggers.

I had to get it.

They're delicious.

So good.

You ever eat them cold?

I put them in the deep freezer and eat them by the sleeve.

They're delicious.

Get the munchies, they'll just kick those munchies in the ass.

People, some of you think this is just a joke

and it might just end up being a joke, OK?

But wouldn't this be nice if this

was the catalyst for something, that we

have an awakening in this country we realize instead

of burying our heads in the sand,

that these words are out there.

And then we leave them for our next children,

that we're doing our children a disservice.

If we allow anyone to be hurt.

You know, I got to be honest with you.

In my whole life I've never heard anybody actively

try to get rid of these words.

You know?

Somebody's got to.

Let it be me.

You know what I mean?

Now, I feel like I've given you a big old dinner.

But I haven't given you any dessert.

So here you go.

I know tonight's a date night for a lot of y'all.

A lot of y'all, you know, some of you drove

in from hours and hours away.

You know, it's a date night.

You know, date nights you got to take her out to eat.

And that's expansive.

And times are tough.

And so you're trying to get off on the cheap,

like all you want is a cheeseburger.

And she wants a steak.

And-- and uh, she's like, uh, uh, you're like,

you know, like, I want a steak.

And you're like, what?

Oh, I heard they have steak down at the Golden Corral buffet.

And she's like, yeah, I--I heard they

had it at The Capital Grille too.

Damnit.

Damnit.

You go to that Capital Grille.

And the cheapest cut of meet is $52.

You're like, $52?

What kind of meat is that?

Dragon?

OK, the potato don't come with it?

How much d

Whole the hell picked that potato?

White people?

You go back and get me a Mexican potato.

I ain't too proud.

Then you come to the show.

And you--you drop, you know, 60, $70 in tickets.

And the first thing she does when she gets in the door

is go get a $12 drink.

And you're mad as hell.

You're like, bitch you better eat that ice.

Ooh.

Put that cup in your pocketbook.

We're taking that cup with us.

$12, I bought that cup, bitch.

I bought that cup.

You're going to wash that cup.

We're going to reuse that disposal cup.

That cup's coming home with us.

I'm going to be drinking my milk out of that cup bitch.

You uh, you go through all this and-- and at the end

of the night, all you really want guys,

is to go home, you know, just relax, you know, uh,

get a good hummer, you know, uh, maybe put her legs up.

I don't know.

Throw her a and uh, maybe get

a waffle in the morning.

That--that's pretty simple, right?

Right, I know.

Life is easy, isn't it?

It's not that hard.

All right?

And I heard some of you ladies take

umbrage with that phrase catching a stabbing in relation

to you and your mate's lovemakings.

I'm sorry girls, but that's how men

think when we spend hundreds of dollars

on a girl we've been banging for a long time.

I'm going to wreck this monkey.

This is-- just-- ooh, Capital Grille, you .

It's going to have a speech impediment when

I get through with it.

It's going to have a stutter and a slur.

I'm--

I know you might not agree with my politicking.

But if I make that happen for you

I know I made a fan for life.

And that's what I'm in the business of doing, OK?

So to that effort I'm going to try.

Now, ladies, at first you're not going

to like what I have to say.

And girls, your natural instinct is

going to want to get lippy and mouth up and say something.

But y'all need to hush up.

Because a man's talking, all right?

Such a dick.

I'm such a dick.

Well, let's be honest.

Girl's, y'all's oral over the last 10,

15 years have fallen way off.

And every great category of a good one,

y'all are seriously deficient.

Suction, saliva, stroke, frequency and duration,

all garbage.

All garbage.

It's ours girls, we've had it our whole lives.

We might know a little bit about it.

Maybe if you listened to us, we could expedite your endeavor.

But oh no, no, you know everything, don't you girls?

Get your hands off my head.

Get your hands off my head.

I know what I'm doing, OK?

I know what I'm doing.

No you don't.

I clearly just understood every word you just said.

Therefore, it is impossible that you know what you're doing.

If you knew what you were doing this

would sound like a conversations at the dentist's office.

(IMITATING SOMEONE WITH MOUTH FULL)

Oh, you just got a new refrigerator, huh?

(IMITATING SOMEONE WITH MOUTH FULL) Oh, is that a Whirlpool?

Those must be nice. (IMITATING SOMEONE WITH MOUTH FULL)

You got the water in the door? (IMITATING SOMEONE

WITH MOUTH FULL)

What happened to getting the boys wet girls?

hate to break it to you ladies, uh, good ones

are like Little League baseball, everybody plays.

Everybody plays.

And you're a bunch of quitters, quitters.

Two minutes, two minutes, my jaw hurts.

My jaw hurts.

Really?

Was it-- was it hurting all day long when

you were talking my ear off?

Was it hurting then?

Seemed to be working pretty good then.

Meanwhile, they want us done in their little honeycomb

hideout for an hour.

Fellas, you ever be down there so long you can't even

use your tongue no more, you done wore it out?

And that little thing under your tongue

was all frayed and sore as hell.

So you can't even lick it not more.

You got to lip it.

You're like--

And you come up.

Are you done yet?

No, not yet.

Really?

Because you know I've been down here for an hour, right?

You know that right?

Yes.

Never once, not once.

Not one in an hour.

Really?

Really?

You were squeezing my head every five minutes

like you're trying to break open a coconut.

Really?

No, no, no.

Really?

I was tapping out there, I couldn't breath, OK?

L--Look at my hands.

I look like I've been swimming too long.

This is messed up.

I gave you every good fingerblast I've ever heard of.

Old school, ET, Cops and Robbers, Shotgun,

Chinese Finger Torture, Cigarette Machine,

like that one, don't they fellas?

Cigarette machine?

Oh, look for change in the payphone.

Look for change in the payphone.

Wait, is that a nickel?

You better get that nickel.

Is that a nickel right there?

What is that?

I don't know, uh, maybe.

Shocker, Shocker the next generation, the Vulcan,

Nanu Nanu, Fonzi, Siskel and Ebert, Sony PlayStation,

the Boy Scout-- on my honor, I will do my best

to do my duty to God and my country

and obey the scout-- shadow puppet

dogs, and third-grade fortune teller.

Oh my god, I'm so close!

OK, what's your favorite color?

Huh?

W

Lavender?

Lavender?

L-A-V-- Purple, P-U-R-P-L-E. Oh my god,

oh my god.

Ladies, what if I told you I could improve yours by 57%?

Simultaneously ladies, I guarantee

to cut the time you actually have to perform by up to 35%.

Interested?

I know, you guys have been putting it together,

aren't you girls?

You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ralphie,

Are you telling me you discovered

a way of doing it smarter not harder?

Exactly bitches, exactly.

First step, number one girls, let's

knock of all the bad ones, OK?

You know the angry ones, when you know,

he wakes you up at 2 AM and knowing

you got to get up at 6:30 with the kids, this son of a b--

it's like you-- you son of a bitch.

Three licks, really?

Are you owl from the Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop commercial?

Three licks?

What?

Gentlemen, we have a part to play in this as well.

Gentleman in relations we tend to get complacent.

And when that happens, we tend to take our women for granted.

And when that happens women don't feel sexy.

If you want a wildcat in the sack, fellas,

you've got to make her fee sexy all day long.

Women have to be adored, loved, pursued, desired, even

inside of a relationship, OK?

Every day.

Gentlemen, that means foreplay begins when you wake up.

You're waking up and you're taking your morning whiz.

She's coming out of the shower drying off, you know?

And her legs and that peach meat sneaking out the back,

grab that monkey let her know she's alive, OK?

Let her know she's alive.

Stop, you're crazy, get away from me.

You're crazy.

I'm a gorilla, bitch.

You're lucky I don't have you bent over that sink

looking at toothpaste stains.

You're lucky.

Stop, you're crazy.

You made me crazy woman, you're so sexy.

I can't help myself.

Stop.

They love it.

Flirt with them.

Why not?

Be funny about it.

When y'all are by yourself guys, bring it out.

Wag it at her.

Look, look, look.

Look, look. it looks like a little baby bunny, doesn't it?

It does.

Touch the bunny.

Touch the bunny.

Touch the bunny.

Touch the bunny.

It's going to get you.

It's going to get you.

Oh, that bunny's getting bigger, isn't he?

Yes he is.

That's a medium bunny, isn't it?

Yes it is.

Now just nuzzle that bunny.

Mm.

Mm, so soft.

Now suck that bunny!

Here comes Peter Cottontail,

hopping down the bunny trail.

Gentlemen, you know the number one reason they don't do it?

It's our own hygiene, OK?

Stinky, OK?

That's the number one they don't.

Girls, never allow this to be a problem for you.

Attack your man when he comes out of the shower.

Let me tell you something about your guy.

Every guy in here washes his junk three times every shower.

Soap, shampoo, conditioner, OK?

When he comes out of the shower, he

might not have touched his feet since 2002.

His junk, spotless, spotless.

Take the towel off of him.

Put the towel on the ground.

Place your knees on the towel, cushioning your knees,

making for a more ergonomically correct position.

See girls?

We--

You've got to take matters into your own hands,

so to say, all right?

Grab it.

Look up at him and go, I'm a dirty, naughty little girl.

Yes you are.

I'm about to cover your face with enough DNA

to film three episodes of CSI, you filthy animal.

Oh, my god, is this hot.

Sweet Jesus!

Yeah, then girls, I want you to look it right in its eye, OK?

Look it right in its eye.

And then spit right on it.

Puh, spit right in its eye.

And then close your eyes and commit.

Now girls, the reason I ask you to close your eyes

is so you don't happen to look up

and creeped out by the look on your man's face.

We will creep you out if you look up.

Don't.

We're creepy as it gets, OK?

All right?

Don't look up.

We look rapey as hell up there.

We're like, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, oh yeah.

Ah!

Don't look up.

Now, some girls go, Ralphie, if I don't have my eyes open

how far will I know to, you know?

Good question girls.

Ladies, its generally thought of by men

that the proper depth on any good one is If uh,

you make it to , perfect.

Just hit that mark every stroke. , , , ,

, , .

Within two minutes Jerry Lewis will magically appear.

Oh god!

Oh lady!

Wow how!

Awesome.

Done.

Now, there's woman amongst you girls that didn't even

need this conversation, right ladies?

There's women here right now that

are bona fide dirty, dirty, little naughty girls.

And you'll know these women by the amount of diamonds

and jewelry they have on their body and parts.

The more diamonds and jewelry they have the better they are.

I like you.

You're the-- hilarious.

She's like, look at this necklace.

Look at this-- Look at this ring.

Look at this.

You've got a champion right there, OK?

These are women that learned a long time ago the fastest

way to free jewelry is sucking some mean dick.

You suck it well, you're going to get good jewelry.

What do you BJ stands for?

Bring Jewelry.

All right?

All right?

Do the whale, girls.

You don't believe me?

Do everything I've said.

And then add a Zales catalog to the top of your head.

, , , , , , , ,

, , , , , , .

Right before he's done he'll be like, we got to go to the mall.

Now ladies, it's also about optimizing it, OK?

Getting the most bang for your buck, OK?

Look girls, one at home, on the couch or the bed,

while very much appreciated, still only counts as one.

One to one, OK?

Now, change locations.

Like say, not at home but rather,

in the car ride home on the way home.

Now your one has become eight.

Because that's freaky.

Freaky, we start growing in numbers, OK?

All right?

And when it comes to a roadie, if you get a roadie,

that's awesome.

That--that's--that's motherload, OK, no pun intended.

All right?

Uh--

One to eight.

Now, I don't know the state flower of every state.

But I think it's an orange construction barrel.

And I uh-- I know one thing you do

have is a mess of unnecessary traffic.

Girls, what you need to do is use

that time to work on a project for you.

Earn you some jewelry girls, get you some.

When you do that in the car three times a week,

that dummy of yours will think he got 24 in a week.

Guess what?

You just became a unicorn.

You are a magical, mythical creature

that we've all heard about but never seen before.

What--What does that unicorn even eat?

I don't know, maybe carats of diamonds, here.

Be sure to tuck your h-- finger in.

Here you go.

Watch your finger.

Now, I know there's girls out there mad at me,

screw you fatty.

I am not going to do that for jewelry.

If he loves me he would just buy me jewelry.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, you're adorable.

OK, don't believe me, fine.

Enjoy your hallmark card on Valentine's Day.

Roses are red, violets are blue, so are my balls, thanks to you.

Come on girls, (SINGING KAY JEWELERS JINGLE)

Every kiss begins with .

Thank you everybody.

I love you so much.

I got to go.

Y'all have been great.

Thank you very much.