Original subtitles

I can't say how nice it is

to talk to a guy like you. Fatherinlawsus.

King to king. Yes, you have

a fine city.

A good place to raise kids, I hope.

Oh, yes. Our infant survival rate is 14%.

I'm very proud of that number.

My boy, you don't know how hard it is

to find a king whose junk still works.

You know, a lot of your contemporaries get their

genitals blown off in war.

My sister is a warrior around here.

And there she is now, ravaged by some battle.

Did you know we're getting attacked by hordes now?

We've really made it.

Hey, who's this guy? He's got a sword!

Ha ha ha ha! Relax, Stupe.

This is Fatherinlawsus the Great.

A warrior king whose vast empire

stretches from one body of water to another.

He's seen noodles before! It's cute.

She doesn't even know what noodles are.

Why would you let a conquering warrior king

inside the city walls without letting me murder him first?

Where is your army? Are they disguised as bushes?

Are they behind trees and walls,

just waiting to jump out and scream "Surprise!"

That is a great idea for a party.

You know, one of my guys has a birthday coming up.

I should be real mean to him

and make him think I forgot about it

so when we jump out and yell,

it almost kills him. Only almost.

No, it's not a great idea for a party.

It's a great idea for an attack. What is going on here?

I understand your concern, but I found

a new way to grow my empire.

Go ahead. Tell her the news, son.

I'm getting married!

Uhh... kay?

My own son getting married.

I'm so proud of you.

Now let's talk consummation tent.

Shall we put it on the porch so we can all hear

the erotic noises when the blessed moment comes?

I don't care where it is as long as the sex bell is front and center.

The whole city needs to hear when it goes ring-a-ding-ding.

Oh, I love a wedding because it's all about

me and my blessing.

Oh, the weird things I'll expect you to do to please me.

Congratulations to us.

I think you're being stupid.

Who gets married to expand an empire?

I do, and it's genius.

It's an arrangement that combines sex and

whatever it is Ty's trying

to do in the world. That's genius to me.

How did you not talk to me about this first?

Did you even think about how being under the thumb of

some warrior king would affect my life?

I'm not manageable! Come on, Stupe, lighten up.

Krapopolis will still be Krapopolis.

You know, once our families are allied,

I bet we can get pepper again.

Mmm, spicy!

Do you even know who you're marrying?

Have you thought about that? Oh, Stupendous.

If she's a dog, we can just lock her in a tower.

A nice tower. She'll love it.

You know weddings are primo locations

for massacres, right? Like, the second

most dangerous place to be after a battlefield?

I could have told you if you'd consulted me.

I'm sure Fatherinlawsus isn't that kind of guy,

and that means no massacres from you, either.

I'm serious, Stupe. That's an order. No massacres!

An order? Ugh, this keeps getting worse!

Does Fatherinlawsus dance?

I'm gonna say yes. Yes to dancing, no to massacres.

Fantastic. We'll end the whole thing

with a showstopping Dance of the Dads.

That'll get me hot and bothered.

Just what a son wants on his wedding day.

This day has to be perfect.

You know Hermes will show up whether we invite him or not.

He's the god of critiquing seating arrangements,

and he loves a free meal.

He also may be angry with me since I ripped out his eyes.

Since you did what-was-it-though?

There! Now that's a dress

that will pull focus from a bride.

Sorry about the bachelor party.

This was the only strip club I could find on short notice.

Some people think this is hot.

This guy!

So, what Stupe was saying about

how dangerous weddings are-- she was just

trying to scare me, right?

Are you kidding? We've got

the Bootios Bloodbath,

the Sacking of the Terziade,

the Dark Lemming Murders,

the Fall of the Eel King,

The-The Flaming Eagle of Lord Philmox,

The Dark King's Demise in Calfothorag,

The Cauldron Feint, the-the-the immolation of Emperor Tong!

Those were all weddings? I thought they were wars.

The Dance of the Dads is weighing heavily upon me.

I'm going to ask that fish for some pointers.

So, you're not worried about a massacre?

Why would I be? I'm never the target.

I'm too beloved.

General Stupendous.

I thought I'd find you here. You seem upset.

Well, yeah. My dumb brother thinks he can do

whatever he wants on a whim with the city

I've devoted my life to defending.

I could be out there splitting your guys' skulls in half,

and instead I'm trying on dresses

and being told things about pepper.

So, yeah, I'm a little upset.

I don't blame you. In my heyday,

I would have hated to be denied a good fight.

I bet you think I'm some old fuddy-duddy

who can't swing a sword anymore, so, I just

marry off my daughters for territory.

Well, yeah, kinda.

And you're right. I'm ready to

retire from warfare, but I know you're not,

and I need someone like you to lead my armies.

You do? Tell me.

Have you ever commanded an army of

5,000 pre-castrated soldiers?

"Pre-castrated"? Like you still

gotta castrate 'em or... No, no, no.

Pre-castrated. It's already taken care of.

Wow. To answer your question, no,

but I've always wanted to.

They're very obedient.

Totally hairless.

I bet they're gorgeous singers.

Their falsettos could crack marble.

Here. This is for you.

I should get out of this wedding. right?

Let's just say if you go through with it,

I'm planning on having a stomach bug that day.

But there's also a chance that there won't be a massacre, right?

What's that thing you were telling me you just invented?

The thing where you can guess how likely it is that something will happen.

You mean odds? Yeah. What are the odds

that I get murdered at my wedding?

Dude, there's no way of knowing

unless you have 1,000 weddings.

Oh, if only there was a way to go through with this

and not go through with it at the same time.

Holy moly.

Look, do you see that guy?

That wretched baker. What about him?

He looks exactly like you.

What? No, he doesn't. He's wearing an apron.

His face, Ty.

You're right. You can get that guy

to go to the wedding in your place.

So, if there's a massacre,

he gets a sword through his guts, not me.

And if there isn't, we just switch back.

Either way, Krapopolis keeps her king, and I'm a genius.

Or you're a guy who got a good idea from a genius.

That's its own kind of intelligence.

Hey, you! Mr. Bread Guy!

Please. Mr. Bread Guy was my father.

I just inherited his debt. You can call me Cyrus.

Whoa! King Tyrannis? Well, I'll be!

Actually, that's sort of the idea.

How would you like to be me? Pretend to be.

I mean, just through my wedding.

I've learned that royal weddings can be dangerous.

We're talking notoriously massacre-prone.

Eh, that doesn't worry me.

Honestly, in some ways,

death would come as a relief.

Will there be a buffet?

No, no, no! The bride's brining tank

should be in the corner, and there should be enough space

for her handmaidens to stand around and get bad updos.

This altar is too plain and it needs a gutter for blood.

If I'm going to bless the couple with fertility,

I'm going to need a lot of goats.

And can somebody clear the area in front?

That's not enough space for the Dance of the Dads!

Stupendous, what on earth are you wearing?

Is this some kind of prank?

You're not allowed to ruin this wedding.

Hermes is going to be here, and that messy bitch

talks, and holds a grudge.

It's a gift from Fatherinlawsus. He says it commands respect.

Oh, if you say so. Now, don't forget that the sister of the groom

ties up her brother before the ceremony.

Why do I do that again?

Well, I could come up with some symbolism,

but really, I just think it's funny.

You tie him up and then, when it's time,

you toss him into the consummation tent.

And those knots had better be tight.

I come to you sheepishly. What? You usually

come to me wolfishly. What's wrong?

It's the Dance of the Dads. I'm wondering

how important that is to you.

It's the final offering before I grant my blessing.

You know I love a show, and you know I love dads dancing.

Why would you ask how important it is?

I just wanted to make sure I knew you

as well as I thought I did,

though I have heard a crazy thing

that at some weddings, there's a dance between

the mother of the groom and the groom.

What? This wedding is about pleasing me, remember.

How would dancing with my son do that? Where is he, anyway?

OK, first things first. Do you know what this is?

A lice pick. Thanks! I've got lice, like, everywhere.

Why don't we work on your accent?

"Fatherinlawsus, it is a great honor to join your family."

That's not what you sound like.

Cyrus [Ty's accent]: I fart all the time and blame Servant No Name,

but everyone knows it's me. Wow.

First of all, everyone does that with Servant No Name,

but I agree. That was incredible!

All right, get me in that toga!

Well, fellas, I'm off to goof around at the bakery.

I'll be seeing you both later. And remember,

no funny business in the consummation tent.

I'll be back before the bell.

Oh, no. I never showed him how to be

an indentured bread baker!

Excuse me. Is this the bakery?

Bakery Boss: What the hell is wrong with you, Cyrus?

You're not gonna pay off your debts with jokes.

Get to work or get to be in debt.

Hello-- Oh. Sorry I'm late.

No crust off my bread. But if you don't get busy,

they'll throw you in the fire and feed your

charred bones to the goats.

"Yer worth more to me that way." Ha ha ha!

No, no! Aah!

Hey, brother. Wink, wink. Hello, Ty.

No wink. Just Ty.

What are you up to, Hippo?

Making a duplicate me. A Hip replacement

So you don't have to go to Ty--I mean, my wedding.

Yes. Right on. So, it was the craziest thing.

Jonathan here-- Servant No Name's

name is Jonathan? Uh-huh.

So, he was feeding me figs, which, wow,

what an experience, and anyway, we got to talking,

and I thought, Jonathan is interesting.

He's been on a boat, you know.

I fled a famine.

I was a doctor in my city.

And, Hippo, you're a really smart fish guy.

You're, like, the most impressive guy I know.

Um, thank you. Anyway, so, yeah,

he's a doctor, he's been on a boat,

and I thought you'd hit it off.

You're being so nice, Ty.

So nice and so, so out of character.

He's nice, huh? I never knew it!

I guess getting married can change a guy.

Children! Come here, please!

I think that's our dad. He's very fun.

Coming, Dad! Ugh. OK.

I'm gonna test this out. Hippo 2, you ready?

Put those over there.

Knock, knock.

We all clear? I got my daughter here.

Wait!

Oh, sorry. I thought Ty was in the room,

but it was just this plant.

Bring her in.

Ah, there's my future daughter-in-law.

I thought everyone was supposed to, like,

stand up and make a big deal about the bride.

On my big day? I don't think so.

Now, that suit fits your status.

It does, right? You're really good at guessing sizes.

What do you say before the wedding,

you and me go check out

some pre-castrated soldiers?

Meaning they're slated for castration?

Common mistake. No. Pre-castrated,

like ready-castrated.

No disassembly required.

Oh, of course. Good deal.

Sons, tell me, how am I doing?

I think you're doing a great job.

Hippo 2: Yes, fah-der. Thanks, boys,

but I know I'm not. Your mother cares a lot about

the Dance of the Dads, and I didn't have the heart

to tell her I have 3 left feet.

Hippo, can you make me one of those contraptions

that keeps time? Hippo 2: Gargle gargle.

Maybe I can help you. There's no way.

Just relax and feel the music.

Oh, since when can you dance?

I'm seeing a whole new side of you.

Hippo, look at Ty and me.

He seriously thinks that's me?

Has my dad never looked at me before?

This is actually so simple and beautiful.

Grain and water brought together with my powerful hands.

Forged in fire. Bread!

Ha ha!

No, stop!

What are you doing? Man 2: You are wasting dough.

Man 3: Please, please, please stop that. I have kids.

Man 4: You're gonna get us all killed.

Man 5: That's yeast! Ha ha ha!

This is fun, but it's escalating

in a way that I don't know how to deal with.

Uhh! OK, OK, I'll stop.

It's weird. It never occurred to me

that a lowly commoner--like me-- could have feelings.

Do our lives--I mean, our baker lives--do they matter?

Well, the old me would have thought

you were a common kitchen wench.

But you're like a real person.

And the old me would have thought you were brain dead.

Really makes you think, doesn't it?

Uhh! Ah!

Wow, you weren't kidding.

There's not a hair on 'em.

I thought I'd bring 'em

as a wedding present. For you.

You really don't want 'em anymore?

The truth is, I'm just an old softie.

I want to focus on my family. I want grandchildren.

Grandchildren and an enormous empire.

That's what it's all about, right?

I'll be a general to the kids.

General Granddad. That's me: Papa.

And where does that leave Ty?

Well, once I have the grandkids, we'll just

send him off on our next military campaign,

one where we know he's gonna die.

I say "we" but, of course,

I'd leave that decision up to you.

I think Persia could be fun. He'll love the kebabs.

They're slightly different from how they are here,

but again, totally up to you.

Bakery Boss: Well, this wouldn't kill a hog.

That's one loaf off your death sentence.

Aah! I just realized something,

and when I realize something, I need to act on it right away.

Ana, will you get out of here with me?

Hey, boss, we're leaving, and if you don't like it,

you can throw more peasants into the fire.

Why would you say that?

Well, well, well.

Hermes, darling,

look at the spectacle they're putting on for me.

Seems promising. The blood gutter on your altar is positively teeming.

Oh, you'll have to tell everyone back on Mount Olympus.

Not that I care about them. I have enough attention here.

I'm gonna get a drink and talk trash

with some old spinsters. It'll really make their day.

Oh, they're seated in a pen by the meat.

Now, that is an inspired seating arrangement.

Not bad, Deliria. Not bad. Super speed!

Good. Seems to have forgotten the eye.

Stupendous, what are you doing?

Your brother should be all tied up by now.

Can we move this along, please? I'm pruning.

Soon she'll be your problem, Ty.

The most ungrateful daughter ever.

Hippo, I need you to get Stupe for me.

I need to talk to her.

Hippo 2: Stupe! Stupe! Stupe!

What are we doing in the palace?

You aren't gonna believe this, but

I'm King Tyrannis.

Hippo 2: Stupe, Stupe, Stupe!

Is a weird not-Hippo Hippo shouting my name?

Thank you. What the--

Oof! OK,

who did I just drop?

That's Cyrus, the baker I switched with.

Hello! Been having a great time!

What is going on? We did a switch.

Now, Stupe, I know you wanted to do

a massacre on Fatherinlawsus,

and I ordered you not to, but I've changed my mind.

Follow your bliss. Massacre him

and his whole family and do it now.

I've found a regular woman to marry.

Stupendous and Ana: What? Dad!

Dad? What do you mean, "Dad"?

I did a switch, too!

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no!

A little help, please! I know I'm not officially

part of the family, but at this point, I've invested.

Dad! Ana!

Why aren't you plump and juicy and sopping wet?

Because I am! Can someone get me

out of here now, please?

Oh, don't tell me.

You did a switch again.

Is that your identical cousin Sarah in there?

That's just great. You'll never be

someone else's problem at this rate.

They want to do a massacre!

I'm here for this.

Don't worry, spinsters. Nobody's coming for you.

Fatherinlawsus is your dad? Yes. And you just

told your sister to murder him and my whole family.

Why is anyone listening to a baker?

I demand an offering of bread so I can

have a base for my stomach for the rest of the night.

Now, everybody, back to your seats.

Mom, it's me! I'm Tyrannis!

But you're wearing an apron.

Hello, everyone. I'm Cyrus, just a baker.

Not important enough to kill. Just putting that out there.

Please, Fatherinlawsus, this is all

just a big misunderstanding.

I'm in love with your daughter.

Is it true about the massacre, Stupendous?

Ty told me to do it, but I don't want to.

Where did you find this family?

Did you do any research

before you promised me to them?

I ordered her not to do it once.

Can't we focus on that part?

Look, I'll order her not to do it again.

Stupe, don't kill them. Oh. I'm confused.

One of them is Tyrannis, yes?

One thing's for certain. That's our Hippo.

Hippo 2: Aah!

Ana, you have to believe me.

I never would have told my sister

to kill your family if I knew you were you.

In fact, it's really out of character

that I supported a massacre at all.

I just did it because I want to be with you.

I do get that, but-- Everybody, please listen up.

Today, I met the most amazing woman.

I didn't know she was her, and she didn't know I was me,

but somehow, it just worked.

Heh, heh. Come on, Ty, quit it.

No, I won't quit it. Because you don't quit love.

And you don't quit weddings

and you don't quit consummation tents.

We have it in us to fix everything about today.

I felt something when I was hurling buns with you,

and it's a feeling I never want to lose.

Ty! I think you got the wrong idea.

I have fun throwing flour around with everybody.

That wasn't sexual for me. And it's kind of weird

that you interpreted it that way.

So, you don't want to marry me?

I don't want to marry any man.

I'm super gay. That's why I keep switching.

And if my father would listen to me,

we could stop this charade.

Hmm? Huh? Did you hear something?

Well, that was a bust.

Do you know what I'm looking at right now?

A bunch of hairless freaks?

They were gonna be my hairless freaks.

Fatherinlawsus promised them to me.

5,000 pre-castrated soldiers.

Wow. Well, that's one silver lining.

At least now you don't have to castrate all those guys, right?

No, it's-- ah, whatever.

Why are you mad at me?

I'm just feeling really shut out.

I mean, you want to find other ways

than war for Krapopolis to expand.

Where does that leave me?

I want to find all of the ways for Krapopolis to grow.

I've even been thinking of slogans like

"The Stone City With Sass."

So, I'm just supposed to go along with

everything you say?

Fatherinlawsus valued my opinions.

We were making plans.

We were talking about conquering Persia.

You never talk to me about conquering Persia.

Ah, you're telling him about Persia.

Look, Ty, I'm sorry about my daughter,

but the good news is we're not gonna have to

send you to your death anymore.

Wait, what? It's nothing!

Cyrus, did my sister ever mention to you

that she and Fatherinlawsus were going to

send me to die at some point?

No, but to be fair,

we didn't spend that much time together.

Really? How long did it take you

to get rigged up like this?

Um... I thought so.

It really wasn't that big of a deal.

It would be years away. I wouldn't do it.

He really only cares about being a grandfather.

What's a grandfather?

I don't think we have them in the slums.

It's an old man who's obsessed with

seeing his nose on a baby.

That was the best wedding I've ever been to.

You mean "best" in a bad way.

But that's still good. Think of it this way.

You could be the goddess of messy events:

weddings gone awry, girls' weekends

where the goal is to reset the dynamic,

revenge that you never know when it's gonna come

for plucking out somebody's eye,

road trips where one person is a secret planner.

Anyway, invite me to your next party. Buh-bye. Super speed!

He's going to tell everyone what a disaster this was.

Oh, Deliria, this doesn't have to be a disaster.

Really? How?

I talked to Fatherinlawsus and he agreed.

The Dance of the Dads.

Oh, Shlub! Fatherinlawsus, shall we?

Why not? Might as well have a little fun.

Ha ha ha ha! You're very light on your feet.

Thank you. The stranger

who I thought was my son taught me.

Tell me, is there a Mrs. Fatherinlawsus?

Oh, no. She died in childbirth,

giving me my ungrateful daughter.

Good.

I haven't been to a lot of weddings, and I'm wondering--

No, it's not normal.

I knew it. They're beautiful singers.

This is nice. It's nice with you.

Can I stay?

No, seriously. My boss will kill me if I try and go back.

Hello? Is it safe to come out?

Is anyone there?

Hello? Oh, thank God.

I thought if I was quiet, I could ride out the massacre,

but then everyone forgot me and--

Shh. What? Is it still going on?

Can you help me get out? Is it--

Oh, my God! Aah!

What the--

Oh! Oh, my--

Hello? Hippo 2: Har-lo.

Hippocampus! Please help me.

I don't know what's going on.

Hippo 2: I don't know why I was made,

but I think I exist for evil.

Well, that's just great.