Original subtitles

- HALT. WHO GOES THERE?

CONFIRM VOICE IDENTITY.

CONFIRM VOICE IDENTITY.

- [distorted] MR. EVIL.

[electronic whirring]

- VOICE RECOGNITION FAILED.

CONFIRM IDENTITY.

VOICE RECOGNITION FAILED.

CONFIRM IDENTITY.

- THE MASTER?

CAPTAIN NASTY?

BIG, BAD WOLF?

EVIL STEPMOTHER?

- LASER WEAPON WILL FIRE IN TEN SECONDS.

- DR. X?

- NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN...

- WICKED WITCH?

- SIX, FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE.

FIRING.

[laser zapping, sparks crackling]

WHO GOES THERE?

[slowed] WHO GOES THERE?

- JUST CALL ME JACK.

- GOES THERE...

[doors whirring]

- HELP!

[chains jingling]

[romantic music]

- [moans]

[glass shattering]

- [grunting]

- [shouting aggressively]

- SCARY POODLES.

- MIND IF I BORROW THIS?

- UH-OH.

[crashing, cat yowls]

[bell dings]

[crowd roars]

[crashing, fighting sounds]

[chainsaw buzzes]

- HI-YAH!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

[crashing]

- PRETTY GOOD.

- YOU POP MY POODLE.

[romantic music]

- OH, WOW.

- YEAH.

[cameras clicking]

- AH.

OH, JACK.

JACK?

- JACK!

[record scratches]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JACK?

- UM...

UH...

- WE DON'T DEAL IN "UM, UM" HERE, SON.

WE DEAL IN WHAT?

ANYONE?

ANYONE? STARTS WITH "R."

- [whimpering]

- RE...

- REALITY.

- YES, THANK YOU.

REALITY.

THIS IS THE REAL WORLD, JACK,

AND EVERYBODY KNOWS THEIR PLACE HERE.

OUR DAMSELS ARE DISTRESSED.

RAPUNZEL?

- HELP ME!

OH, HELP ME!

HELP!

[moans]

[applause]

- OUR PRINCES ARE CHARMING.

- OH, YEAH.

- HEY, CHARMING. - YEP.

- [meows]

- OUR INGENUES ARE INCREDIBLY GULLIBLE.

- GRANNY.

GRANNY.

GRANNY.

- OUR BEAUTIES ARE SLEEPY.

OUR STEPSISTERS ARE UGLY AND MEAN.

both: YOU'RE SO HOT. OH!

- THEN THERE'S YOU,

MAJORING IN...

COME ON, JACK.

STARTS WITH "H."

- HEROICS.

- RIGHT.

BUT LOOK AT YOUR GRADES.

YOU'RE FAILING.

YOU HAVEN'T DONE ONE HEROIC DEED ALL SEMESTER.

I'M THINKING OF CHANGING YOUR MAJOR

TO SOMETHING ELSE.

STARTS WITH AN "V."

VIL...

- [grunts]

- VIL...

- OOH!

- ANYONE?

- VILLAGE IDIOT.

[laughter]

DUNCE.

- IT'S AN HONORABLE AND WORTHY FAIRY TALE PROFESSION, JACK.

- PLEASE, SIR,

ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE IS A HERO.

- YOU WANT TO BE A HERO?

EVERYBODY WANTS IT, JACK,

BUT FEW BECOME IT.

- WELL, I WILL.

- UH-HUH.

YOU'RE MAKING ME LAUGH, JACK.

STOP.

YOU'RE KILLING ME.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE UP TO IT.

WELL, I MEAN, WITH YOUR FAMILY HISTORY,

ONLY ONE OTHER PERSON EVER FLUNKED HEROICS.

ANYONE?

ANYONE?

STARTS WITH A "J."

JA...

all: JACK'S FATHER!

- I AM NOT LIKE MY FATHER.

- HE FAILED.

- NO, HE DISAPPEARED,

LOST ON A HERO'S QUEST.

- NO, JACK, HE FAILED,

RAN AWAY.

- WELL, I WON'T.

I WILL WORK HARDER.

I'LL PROVE TO YOU,

TO EVERYBODY,

THAT I'M NOT A FAILURE.

- REALLY, JACK?

[school bell rings]

HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND.

HOMEWORK IS NAVIGATION.

AND HANSEL AND GRETEL, TRY TO DO BETTER THIS TIME.

- DON'T WORRY.

I HAVE A PLAN.

- [sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

- SIR?

- HMM?

- IF I DO A HEROIC DEED,

WILL YOU PASS ME?

- I'LL NEED WHAT?

[sighs] STARTS WITH "E."

EV...

- EVIDENCE?

- EXACTLY.

TAKE THE WEEKEND, JACK.

COME TO TERMS WITH WHO YOU ARE.

[peaceful music]

♪

- GOOD MORNING, BUTCHER, BAKER, FRANK.

OH! WHOA, THERE.

- SORRY, MAYOR LICHFIELD.

- YOU MUST TRY TO STAY FOCUSED

ON WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOUNG MAN.

- EXACTLY MY PROBLEM.

- OH, GOOD AFTERNOON, EMPEROR.

- OH, GOOD AFTERNOON, MAYOR.

- I LOVE THE NEW CLOTHES.

- OH, THANK YOU. HOW KIND.

YES, IT FITS LIKE A GLOVE, HA-HA.

- OH, JOLLY GOOD.

JOLLY GOOD.

OKAY, THEN.

- MAYOR LICHFIELD?

- YES?

- HOW DO YOU MAKE A SACRIFICE?

- OOH, I LOVE A GOOD RIDDLE.

I DON'T KNOW, JACK.

HOW DO YOU MAKE A SACRIFICE?

- IT'S A QUESTION.

- OH, OH, YOU'RE ACTUALLY ASKING.

IT'S NOT A CONUNDRUM.

YOU WANTED MY ADVICE, DO YOU?

WELL, A VERY GOOD QUESTION, JACK,

AND IT'S A VERY SIMPLE ANSWER.

THE WAY TO MAKE A SACRIFICE

IS TO TAKE THE MOST PRECIOUS THING THAT YOU HAVE

AND GIVE IT AWAY TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE.

- REALLY?

- REALLY.

- THAT'S ALL?

- THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT, YOUNG MAN.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- OH, YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.

YOU'RE A VERY GOOD BOY, VERY GOOD BOY.

DO WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, AND EXCUSE ME.

I HAVE TO GO,

BUT THE PIED PIPER IS GIVING A RECITAL,

AND I DON'T WANT TO BE LATE.

BYE-BYE.

MOTHER HUBBARD, SIMPLE SIMON, COME, COME.

WE'LL BE LATE. WE'LL BE LATE.

- RIGHT.

WHAT'S THE MOST PRECIOUS THING I HAVE?

YE OLDE VIDEO GAME.

[cow moos]

[shop bell ringing]

[chimes jingling]

THAT'S WEIRD.

I DON'T REMEMBER THAT BEING THERE.

[shop bell rings]

HELLO?

ANYONE HERE?

HUH?

[truck horn blares]

- HEY! HI, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

BUON GIORNO, WILLKOMMEN.

WHAT'S UP?

- HEY.

- WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? HOW CAN I HELP?

WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO YOU NEED?

- [sighs]

THIS IS EVERYTHING I OWN,

AND I'M WILLING TO GIVE IT UP.

- WHOA, THE OLD DIGITAL BOVINE.

THE COMPUTER OF WONDER.

COMPUTERUS WONDROUS.

THE CYBER JERSEY, C-O-W.

THE C.O.W.

I'LL GIVE YOU 500 GOLD PIECES FOR IT.

- WHAT?

- 600.

- NO, IT'S ONLY WORTH, LIKE, 50.

- ALL RIGHT, 700.

- NO. OFFER ME, LIKE, 10.

- 800? - 5.

- 900?

- YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY.

- FINAL OFFER, 1,000.

- YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

I MEAN, 2,000% PROFIT IS NOT A SACRIFICE.

AND I WANT TO MAKE A SACRIFICE.

NO MONEY.

LET'S JUST TRADE.

- WHOA. I LIKE IT.

WHAT ABOUT SOME IOCAINE POWDER?

NO, IT'S VERY POISONOUS.

OR, UM...

DO YOU KNOW AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT,

SOME GIRL LEFT THIS GLASS SLIPPER?

IT'S ONLY ONE OF A KIND.

IT'S A COLLECTOR'S ITEM.

IT'S WORTH A FORTUNE.

- NO.

[glass shatters]

- AH, I HAVE A SPINNING WHEEL THAT SPINS STRAW INTO GOLD.

YOU'LL BE RICH.

- NO.

- HAND OF MIDAS.

IT'S A LITTLE GROSS--

- NO, YOU DON'T GET IT.

[rattling]

- THREE BEANS?

- THREE BEANS.

- IS IT A TRADE OR WHAT?

- YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME THREE LOUSY BEANS FOR MY C.O.W.?

- TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

- I'LL TAKE IT.

- HEY, HEY! [laughs]

WHAT GENEROSITY, WHAT SACRIFICE.

- THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE WELCOME. NO PROBLEM.

DE NADA.

BITTE SCHON.

SEE YOU AROUND, JACK.

[goose squawks]

- HEY, THERE, GRAYSON.

WHO'S A GOOD BOY?

MOM?

HEY, MOM.

GUESS WHO DID SOMETHING TOTALLY HEROIC TODAY?

- HEY, JACK.

- MOM, WHAT'S WRONG?

- OH, NOTHING.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

- GOOD.

- THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

I'M GLAD.

- HOW WAS YOURS?

- WELL...

I GOT FIRED.

- WHAT?

WHAT HAPPENED?

- APPARENTLY, ELVES ARE COMING IN AT NIGHT

AND FINISHING ALL OUR WORK.

NOW THE SHOEMAKER WANTS TO CUT BACK ON LABOR FORCE

SO HE CAN SAVE MONEY.

STUPID GOODY-GOODY ELVES.

- [sighs]

IT'S OKAY, MOM.

THINGS WILL BE BETTER AFTER DINNER.

I'M STARVING. HOW ABOUT YOU?

[cabinet creaks]

[wind whistling]

- [sighs]

- WE'RE NOT STARVING.

- BREAD CRUMBS?

- YEAH, A COUPLE OF KIDS ARE JUST THROWING THEM AWAY.

- HMM.

MM?

- MM-MM.

BREAD CRUMBS, BRILLIANT PLAN.

[bird giggling]

YOU COULDN'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS, COULD YOU?

- MM-MM-MM.

- MEN. [sighs]

- SIT DOWN, JACK.

JACK, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING VERY HARD RIGHT NOW.

WE'RE IN A TIGHT SPOT,

AND I NEED YOU TO MAKE A BIG SACRIFICE.

- FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.

- I WANT YOU TO SELL THE C.O.W., JACK.

IT'S THE ONLY THING WE HAVE OF VALUE.

- BUT, MOM--

- WITH THE MONEY THAT WE GET FROM THAT,

WE CAN FEED OURSELVES TILL I CAN GET BACK ON MY FEET.

- WELL, HERE'S THE THING.

I CAN'T REALLY DO THAT.

- I NEED YOU TO BE BRAVE ABOUT THIS.

- I WOULD. I REALLY WOULD, BUT, MOM--

- THERE'S NO BUTS, JACK.

- I DON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE.

- YOU WANT TO RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN?

- I GAVE IT AWAY.

- WHAT?

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

- I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE HEROIC.

- OH, JACK.

I CAN'T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN, NOT AFTER YOUR FATHER.

- I'M NOT LIKE HIM, MOM.

- OH, JACK.

- I'M NOT.

[door slams shut]

[shop bell rings]

HELLO?

EXCUSE ME?

[trolley bell dings]

OF COURSE.

[gasps]

HEY, WAIT.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PAWNSHOP?

I NEED TO GET MY C.O.W. BACK.

- SEE WHAT FLOTSAM BLOWS IN

FROM THE TURBULENT GALE THAT IS LIFE.

- HUH?

- HAVE YOU DRIFTED FROM YOUR FATED PATH,

YOUNG JOURNEYMAN?

- HUH?

- ARE YOU LOST, KID?

- NO.

I'M LOOKING FOR THE PAWNSHOP.

IT WAS RIGHT HERE

EARLIER TODAY.

SAME PLACE, SAME COUNTER.

[sighs] WEIRD.

- [chuckles]

INDEED, YOUR WORDS ARE AS CLOUDY

AS THE HIGHLAND WINTER MOORS.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- LOOK, KID, I'M JUST TRYING

TO GIVE THIS THING A LITTLE COLOR,

SOME VOCABULARY, OKAY?

YOU THINK EVERYTHING

HAS TO SOUND LIKE A NURSERY RHYME?

A THESAURUS IS NOT A KIND OF DINOSAUR.

[beast roars]

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

- OH, OKAY.

WHERE FOR ART THY ESTABLISHMENT

FOR THE PURVEYANCE OF TRADE AND SALE?

- WHAT?

- THE PAWNSHOP?

- WILL YOU STOP WITH THE PAWNSHOP?

THERE IS NO PAWNSHOP.

GET OVER IT.

- GREAT.

JUST GREAT.

SOME HERO.

- YOU'RE A HERO?

WE DON'T GET MANY OF THOSE STORIES ANYMORE.

HA, NOWADAYS, IT'S ALL GRAPHIC NOVELS

AND MANGA, MANGA, MANGA.

BUT REAL LITERATURE WITH A REAL HERO,

EXCELLENT.

SO WHAT'S YOUR QUEST?

- QUEST?

- WELL, EVERY HERO NEEDS A QUEST,

A GREAT AND WORTHY GOAL.

- WELL, I DON'T HAVE ONE.

- NO PROBLEM.

WE'LL SEE WHAT'S AVAILABLE.

[chimes jingling]

HMM.

THE GOLDEN FLEECE.

THAT'S BEEN DONE.

- OH.

- ARK OF THE COVENANT.

NO, THAT'S RESERVED

FOR THE CHAP WITH THE HAT AND THE...

[whip cracks]

- OH, HE'S GREAT, YEAH.

- ATLANTIS.

HOW LONG CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH?

- [gasps]

- NO, NO.

- [sighs]

- THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM.

DO YOU SING AT ALL?

- [inhales]

MM-MM.

- WELL, THERE'S NOT MUCH LEFT.

I MEAN, THERE'S-- WAIT.

[chuckles] NO.

I DON'T THINK THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.

IT'S--IT'S TOO DIFFICULT.

- WHAT IS IT?

- WELL, IT'S DESTINY'S HARP,

A GOLDEN HARP THAT'S BEEN STOLEN

AND NEEDS TO BE RETURNED.

IT NEEDS A HERO WITH A LITTLE MORE EXPERIENCE,

SORT OF A SEQUEL QUEST, REALLY.

- I CAN DO IT.

- WELL, I GUESS IT'S UP TO YOU, THEN.

- WHAT IS THIS?

- EVERYBODY HAS A STORY,

BUT ONLY A FEW ARE WORTHY OF BEING TOLD.

ONE MORE THING.

[warbling tone]

THIS IS FOR YOU.

- IS THIS A KEY?

WHAT DOES IT OPEN?

- WELL, MAYBE IT'LL OPEN SOMETHING FOR YOU

WHEN YOU NEED IT.

MAYBE IT'LL CLOSE SOMETHING FOR YOU AS WELL ONE DAY.

- THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- WAIT A SECOND.

THIS IS OUR FAMILY CREST.

[latch thuds]

[grunts]

WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED?

HELLO?

IS ANYBODY THERE?

HELLO?

OH.

[door clicks shut]

[sighs]

- JACK.

DID YOU GET THE C.O.W. BACK?

- I TRIED, MOM,

BUT THE STORE CHANGED INTO A BOOKSHOP.

- [sighs] AND WHAT'S THAT?

- OH, THE STORE OWNER GAVE IT TO ME.

HE SAID IT WAS A HERO'S QUEST.

- AGAIN WITH THE HERO STUFF.

[sighs]

YOUR FATHER WASN'T A HERO, JACK,

NO MATTER WHAT YOU MAY WANT TO BELIEVE.

HE--HE TALKED ALL THE TIME ABOUT SECRET MISSIONS,

SAVING DAMSELS, AND THWARTING GIANTS.

BUT IN THE END, HE JUST LEFT US.

- YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ANY OF IT?

- WELL, THERE WAS A TIME...

NO. IT WAS JUST STORIES.

AND WHEN HE NEVER CAME HOME,

THAT WAS NO FAIRY TALE.

WE CAN'T EAT DREAMS, JACK.

I WISH WE COULD, BUT WE CAN'T.

- DON'T WORRY, MOM.

I'LL HELP OUT FIRST THING TOMORROW.

- ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART.

- GOOD NIGHT.

- GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.

- [sighs] WHAT WAS I THINKING?

[warbling tone]

[electricity zapping]

[goose squawks]

[squawking]

[earth crumbling]

[cow moos]

[goose squawks]

[leaves rustling]

[strained squawk]

[wings flapping]

[man groaning]

- OW, OW, OW! OW!

[garbled sounds]

[footsteps]

- [squawks weakly]

HUH?

[screams]

WHAT IS THAT?

WHO SAID THAT?

WHO SAID, "WHO SAID THAT?"

WHO SAID, "WHO SAID, 'WHO SAID THAT?'"

IT'S ME! I CAN TALK.

I'M A MONSTER!

[screams]

AH. ER...

[growls]

EH?

AH.

JACK, WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

[both screaming]

[screaming]

- WHO ARE YOU?

- JACK, IT'S ME, GRAYSON.

- OUR GOOSE?

- FREAKY, HUH?

- YOU CAN TALK?

- I CAN TALK.

I CAN WALK.

I CAN SING.

♪ WON'T YOU COME HOME TO BILLY? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU COME HOME?

♪ I CRIED THE WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH ♪

[dogs howling]

♪ I'LL DO THE--

- [groans]

- WELL, I CAN TALK AND WALK.

YOU--YOU SEE, I-- OH, SORRY.

I DID--

HEY, HOW DID I DO THAT?

WHAT ARE THESE THINGS?

- THUMBS.

- AND I CAN DO THIS WITH THEM?

WOW.

COOL.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

- WELL, AS FAR AS I CAN SEE,

I--I ATE A BEAN.

- THEY WERE MAGIC?

OF COURSE. THEY WERE MAGIC.

SO IF YOU'RE YOU,

THEN THE BEANS...

WHOA.

[giggles]

- HEY, KID, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- THIS MAY BE THE COOLEST THING EVER.

[inspirational music]

♪

- THE COOLEST? HELLO?

CAN IT TALK?

CAN IT DO THIS?

HELLO, MY NAME IS THUMBY-THUMB THUMBKINS,

AND I'M OPPOSABLE.

I CAN TURN PAGES.

- [shushes]

[discordant twanging]

DO YOU HEAR THAT?

- SOUNDS LIKE A HARP.

- A HARP.

DESTINY'S HARP.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- IT'S MY QUEST.

[grunts]

AH.

- UH, JACK. WHOA.

WHOA! JACK, WHOA!

- WHAT WHOA?

WHOA WHAT?

- "JACK BEGINS CLIMBING THE MAGICAL BEANSTALK."

IT WAS RIGHT THERE; I SWEAR IT.

- TELL ME WHAT IT SAYS.

[grunts]

- IT'S DOING IT.

IT'S DOING IT.

"JACK BEGINS CLIMBING THE MAGICAL BEANSTALK.

THUS BEGINS HIS QUEST FOR DESTINY'S HARP."

- ALL RIGHT, GRAYSON.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

- UP--UP THERE?

- WELL, YEAH.

- I-I DON'T THINK SO.

I'M NOT GOOD WITH HEIGHTS,

AND--AND I'M NOT GOOD WITH QUESTS EITHER.

I HAVE AN OLD WAR QUEST INJURY.

AH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

GO UP THERE, TAKE PLENTY OF PICTURES,

SEND ME A POSTCARD,

AND GIVE MY LOVE TO THE HARP.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU STAY DOWN THERE

AND LOOK OUT FOR BIG, BAD WOLVES, OKAY?

[wolf howls]

- WOLVES? [screams]

[squawking, wings fluttering]

- HUH?

- DON'T YOU JUST LOVE CLIMBING, JACK?

GOT MY HELMET. GOT MY ROPE.

HA-HA.

[panting]

A BEANSTALK.

THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEED.

- [grunts]

HEY, GRAYSON,

I CAN SEE OUR HOUSE FROM HERE.

- [moans]

THAT'S NICE.

CAN--CAN I GO DOWNSTAIRS AND GET SOME LONG UNDERWEAR?

[whimpering]

[wind whistling]

JACK, COULD YOU SLOW DOWN A SECOND, PLEASE?

- [groans]

- [gasping]

[wind roaring]

- [grunts]

HEY.

- I CAN'T HOLD ON MUCH LONGER.

I'M SO COLD; I HAVE ME BUMPS.

- YOU'RE A GOOSE.

YOU COULD ALWAYS FLY.

- OH, YES, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA,

IF IT WERE YESTERDAY!

- WELL, YOU CAN USE THE THUMBS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- AH, ONWARDS AND UPWARDS.

- [chuckles]

- [grunts]

- WHAT NOW?

- I WANT TO SEE

IF THERE'S ANY MENTION OF BREAKFAST,

YOU KNOW, LIKE SOME BACON, HASH BROWNS,

WAFFLES MAYBE.

OH, HERE IT COMES.

"CLIMBING THE BEANSTALK PROVED BITTERLY COLD

AND HELD MANY OTHER HARDSHIPS."

[horn beeps]

"HARDSHIPS"?

THAT'S PLURAL.

WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE ONE HARDSHIP?

IT'S A BUNCH OF HARDSHIPS.

NOTHING IN THE BOOK THAT SAYS,

"GRAYSON WAKES UP,

"HAS A BAGEL AND SCHMEAR AND A CUP OF COFFEE,

AND EVERYTHING'S FINE."

HOW MANY HARDSHIPS CAN THERE BE?

[birds squawking]

HEY, FELLAS, REMEMBER ME?

splat!

- OOH.

- DEFINE "IRONY."

I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT, MURRAY.

[chimes jingling]

- WE MADE IT.

HMM?

[muffled footsteps]

- OH.

- [giggles]

- THIS IS-- [mumbles]

- LET GO.

- I'M TRYING,

BUT MY THUMBS HAVE A MIND OF THEIR OWN,

AND I THINK THEY MAY BE STUPID.

- OKAY.

ON THREE. READY?

- [moans]

- ONE... THREE!

- WHOA!

WHAT HAPPENED TO TWO?

- WHERE ARE WE?

- AH, LET ME CHECK.

OKAY, AH.

"JACK AND GRAYSON--"

GRAYSON?

I'M IN THE BOOK.

I'M A LITERARY CHARACTER.

"JACK AND GRAYSON FIND THEMSELVES

IN THE MAZE KINGDOM OF THE EVIL GIANT."

YOU SEE, I'M IN THE-- WITH THE EVIL--

OH, CRUD.

[harp twanging]

- THERE IT IS AGAIN.

COME ON, GRAYSON.

LET'S GO!

COME ON, GRAYSON.

- [screams softly]

- LET'S GO THIS WAY.

- WAH?

OH.

- JACK?

JACK?

JACK?

[gasps]

JACK!

NO!

[twanging]

- [moans]

- EXCUSE ME?

- HE'S OLD. SPEAK UP.

- EXCUSE ME?

- RAISE YOUR VOICE.

HE'S PROBABLY DEAF.

SCREAM IT OUT LOUDER, JUST SCREAM IT OUT.

- EXCUSE ME!

- [gasps]

- IS THAT DESTINY'S HARP?

- [wails]

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, SCREAMING AT AN OLD MAN.

YOU MADE HIM CRY.

WHAT'S THE MATTER... KIDS.

- SIR, SIR, I'M SORRY.

I-I DIDN'T MEAN TO YELL.

- IT'S NOT THAT.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU SAID THAT WORD,

THE--YOU KNOW, THAT WORD.

- DESTINY'S HARP?

- [howls]

[sobbing]

OH.

- IS THAT IT?

- OH, NO, NO.

THIS IS JUST A CHEAP IMITATION.

[discordant scale]

- THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

- [moans]

- WELL, IT SHOULD BE.

HE'S A MASTER CRAFTSMAN.

SEE, IT'S MADE BY THE LEGENDARY STRADIVARIUS.

- [gasps] NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

- BUT IT SAYS RIGHT HERE, "STRADIVARIUS."

- MY NAME IS VERRI SADDIUS.

[wails]

- WAIT A MINUTE.

OH, YEAH.

WELL, UH, HE'S WELL-KNOWN TOO, I GUESS.

- HOW I LOVED MY DESTINY.

- YEAH, I LOVE MY DESTINY TOO.

I ONLY WISH I KNEW WHAT MY DESTINY WAS.

ONE MINUTE, I'M A GOOSE.

I WAS WADDLING AROUND, PECKING AT WORMS.

EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

THEN I WAKE UP, AND I'VE GOT THIS FACE.

IT'S HIDEOUS!

- NO, IT'S NOT THAT DESTINY.

DESTINY IS MY GRANDDAUGHTER.

SHE WASN'T ALWAYS A HARP.

[sobs]

SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL

WITH A VOICE THAT COULD MAKE THE ANGELS WEEP.

SHE WAS THE LIGHT OF MY HEART,

UNTIL THE GIANT HEARD HER SINGING

AND WANTED THE SONG FOR HIMSELF.

THE GIANT IS EVIL.

HE PLUNDERS EVERYTHING HE WANTS.

- [moans]

HE TOOK MY DESTINY.

- SING FOR ME.

SING!

- NEVER!

- SHE REFUSED TO SING FOR THE BRUTE.

SO USING THE LAST OF A STOLEN POTION,

HE CAST A SPELL AND TURNED HER INTO A GOLDEN HARP.

I'VE TRIED TO RESCUE HER, SO HAVE MANY OTHERS,

BUT NOBODY CAN DEFEAT THE GIANT.

THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING TO MAKE ANOTHER HARP

TO EXCHANGE FOR HER.

- ASK HIM ONE QUESTION. HE TELLS YOU A STORY.

IT'S, LIKE, 3 1/2 HOURS LONG.

EXCUSE ME.

AH, HOW IS THE HARP GOING?

[muted twanging]

OKAY.

- SO WHERE IS DES--

- [sobs]

- MM, THE HARP NOW?

- THE GIANT HAS HER IN THE CASTLE.

HE KEEPS HER UNDER LOCK AND KEY.

- COME ON, WE'RE HEADING TO THE CASTLE.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

THE MAZE IS FILLED WITH PUZZLES AND PROBLEMS,

AND THE GIANT KNOWS EVERYBODY WHO'S IN IT.

THERE ARE ONLY TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE

WHO WOULD ATTEMPT THIS:

A HERO OR A LUNATIC.

- DON'T WORRY.

BETWEEN THE TWO OF US,

I THINK WE GOT THAT COVERED.

- AH.

- WE'LL BRING HER BACK.

I PROMISE.

- [moans]

- COME ON, GRAYSON.

- "COME ON, GRAYSON."

HE ORDERS ME AROUND. HE'S TWO!

PSST.

- AH?

- DESTINY.

- [wails]

[harp twanging]

- GRAYSON!

- OH!

[bicycle bell ringing] - COMING THROUGH!

- SCIENCE GONE MAD.

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

PESTICIDES, HERBICIDES,

GROWTH HORMONES.

THIS IS NATURE'S FURY.

- YEAH.

OR MAGIC BEANS.

- WELL, YES, YEAH, OBVIOUS--

OBVIOUSLY, NATURE'S FURY OR MAGIC BEANS.

- I THINK IT'S NICE.

- UH, YEAH.

EITHER WAY, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

- TROUBLE?

- WITH A CAPITAL "S."

- AH. TEA?

- OH, THANK YOU.

- IT'S LIKE A BIG STICK OF BROCCOLI.

- OH. - EXCUSE ME.

I THINK MY SON IS UP THERE.

- OH, DON'T WORRY, MA'AM.

WE'RE HIGHLY TRAINED PROFESSIONALS.

I'M SERGEANT WHO.

THIS IS OFFICER WHAT.

AND THE HORTICULTURIST OVER HERE IS OFFICER WHERE.

- HI.

- WELL?

- WELL WHAT? - YES?

- NOT YOU. - SORRY.

- WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

- I'M GOING TO DO EXACTLY WHAT HE TELLS ME TO.

- WHO?

- EXACTLY.

- LISTEN TO ME.

MY SON IS UP THERE.

- WHERE?

- UP THERE.

- NO, MA'AM, NOT "WHERE."

I MEANT, WHERE!

- YES, SIR.

- SHE SAYS HER SON'S UP THERE.

- WHO?

- THAT'S "SERGEANT WHO" TO YOU, LAD.

- NO, WHO'S UP THERE?

- NO, WHO'S DOWN HERE.

- ME, YOU, AND HIM, STUPID.

- MY SON IS UP THERE.

- WHAT? - YES?

[together] NOT YOU!

- OH, SORRY.

- ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

- WHO, ME?

- YOU, WHO!

both: YOO-HOO!

- THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

[unearthly singing]

- THERE'S MY LITTLE SONGBIRD.

DON'T CHANGE YOUR TUNE FOR ME.

THAT WAS A SONG OF HOPE A MOMENT AGO.

I WANT TO KNOW WHY.

SING.

- ♪ NO

- I'LL GIVE YOU A COOKIE.

- ♪ I CAN'T EAT ANYTHING ♪

- I'LL READ YOU A STORY.

- ♪ NO, YOU WON'T

♪ YOU ALWAYS LIE

- SING!

- ♪ A YOUNG HERO IS COMING ♪

♪ TO SAVE DESTINY

♪ GOING TO STORM THE CASTLE ♪

♪ AND SET THIS TRAPPED GIRL FREE ♪

- OH, REALLY?

[coins jingle]

WHO IS HE?

WHO IS THIS BOY?

TELL ME!

[growls]

MM, ALL RIGHT.

I COULD NEVER HURT YOU.

BUT HE COULD.

- [yells]

[chuckles]

[growls]

- NOW, TELL ME ABOUT THIS BOY.

WHAT ARE HIS WEAKNESSES?

[growls]

[crows cawing]

[spooky echoing]

[faint howling]

- ER, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

- NO.

- WELL, IF YOU DID HEAR SOMETHING

AND YOU WERE A LITTLE SCARED,

I'D UNDERSTAND IT.

AND IF YOU WANTED TO GO HOME,

I'D BACK YOU UP ON IT.

- IF YOU WANT TO GO BACK, I UNDERSTAND.

- NO.

- HEY, WHAT SUDDENLY MADE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

- TOP OF PAGE 51.

[sighs]

- "JACK AND HIS BEST FRIEND, GRAYSON."

- NEVER BEEN A BEST FRIEND BEFORE.

[record scratches]

- ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE MY BROTHER

♪ AND YOU'RE MY HERO

[record scratches]

- OKAY.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE THE HARD PART'S BEHIND US.

- HEY!

[whimpers]

OH, CRUD. THIS DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.

- THE GIANT THOUGHT HE MIGHT SEND

A LITTLE WELCOMING PARTY.

- OH. A PARTY.

I WAS SCARED FOR A MINUTE BUT A PARTY.

WE'LL HAVE SOME CAKE, SOME ICE CREAM.

THEY'LL MAKE BALLOON ANIMALS,

AND MAYBE WE'LL SING KARAOKE AND THEN GO HOME.

[laughter]

- NOT REALLY THE KIND OF PARTY HE HAD IN MIND.

I THINK I'LL LEAVE YOU AND YOUR NEW FRIENDS

TO GET ACQUAINTED.

[chuckles]

[gong resounds]

[aggressive grunts]

[grunting, hissing]

- UH...

- HUH?

- WAH!

[chime dings]

- HI-AH!

[lively techno music]

♪

[aggressive shouting]

[fabric ripping]

- [screams]

- OOH!

THAT'S GOT TO BE PAINFUL.

[laughter]

- SHUT UP.

GET HIM.

- YAH!

- HUH!

- OH, YAH!

- WHOA!

- WAH!

- HUH!

- WHOA!

- OOF!

- YAH-AH!

[ninja sobbing]

- [grunts]

[yelling]

- UGH!

[pillow whooshing]

- OH!

OOH!

- OH! - OOH.

- [moaning]

whap!

- [yells]

OH!

[grunts]

[giggling]

TICKLES.

- HEY, THAT'S GOOSE DOWN.

- OOH!

OH, NO-NO!

[screams]

- TWISTER! OOH.

- [yelps]

- [shouts]

WHOA, OOH!

YAH!

[pants]

[thunder crashes]

[gong resounds]

[screaming]

OH! OH!

[moaning]

[sobbing]

OH, NO FAIR. NO FAIR.

- DADDY, YOU'VE COME HOME.

- WHAT?

WHAT?

- [clears throat] NOTHING.

NOTHING AT ALL.

- [grunts]

- WOW. THAT WAS FANTASTIC.

I MEAN, YOU SAVED US.

[pop music]

- ♪ DREAM GIRL

♪ YOU'RE MY MUSE AND MY SAVIOR ♪

♪ AND I'VE BEEN SEARCHING

[heart pounding]

♪ FOR YOU ALL MY LIFE ♪

- WOW.

I MEAN, THAT WAS... WHOA.

YOU WITH THE WHOO AND THE HA

AND HEE-YAH.

[sighs] WOW.

I'M JACK.

- I'M JILLIAN.

WHO'S THE TURKEY?

- I'M A GOOSE.

WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE?

- THIS IS GRAYSON.

SO WHO WERE THOSE GUYS, ANYWAY?

- THAT, THAT WAS DOBBYTOK.

THE GIANT'S NUMBER ONE IN HIS BRUTE SQUAD.

YOU GUYS MUST HAVE THE GIANT PRETTY WORRIED

IF HE SENT THEM.

- THE GIANT IS WORRIED ABOUT US?

HA.

PUNK BETTER BE!

- NOW HE'S GONNA BE MAD.

- [whimpers]

- LOOK, WE HAVE TO GO AND FAST.

THEY SCARE EASY, BUT BELIEVE ME,

THEY'LL BE BACK IN GREATER NUMBERS

AND WITH SOMETHING MORE THAN JUST PILLOWS.

FOLLOW ME.

- WAIT.

I GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.

AH, SORRY, SISTER,

BUT WE'RE ON AN ULTRA TOP SECRET MISSION.

- YEAH, TO GET DESTINY'S HARP.

- MM?

- HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

- THE ENTIRE KINGDOM KNOWS.

I CAN HELP YOU.

- LOOK, WE APPRECIATE YOUR HELP AND ALL THAT,

BUT WE'VE GOT THIS UNDER CONTROL.

I MEAN, ASIDE FROM HER DAZZLING ABILITIES

WITH BEDROOM FURNISHINGS,

WHAT CAN SHE REALLY DO FOR US?

- THIS IS THE MAGICAL KINGDOM OF TALEANIA,

WHICH YOU HAVE REACHED

BY CLIMBING THE MAGICAL BEANSTALK.

THE GIANT HAS TERRORIZED THIS LAND FOR OVER 30 YEARS,

KIDNAPPED DESTINY, THE DAUGHTER OF VERRI SADDIUS,

WHO HE HAD CONSTRUCT THIS STONE MAZE

IN RETURN FOR NOT HURTING HIS GRANDDAUGHTER,

WHICH HE TURNED INTO A MAGICAL HARP

THAT HE KEEPS LOCKED AWAY IN A TRUNK

THAT CAN ONLY BE OPENED BY TWO KEYS,

ONE OF WHICH THE GIANT WEARS AROUND HIS NECK,

THE SECOND WHICH IS HANGING IN THE CRYSTAL CAVE.

OH, AND I HAPPEN TO KNOW THIS MAZE

LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND.

I HAVE A SCAR ON MY RIGHT THUMB.

- WHOA.

- SO?

- I HAVE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES.

- PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY TIME.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY TIME.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY TIME.

- OKAY.

- COME ON.

- OW. OKAY.

- PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

- OKAY!

- HE TAKES AWAY MY BIG MUSICAL NUMBER.

[Jack whistles]

AH.

- SHE'S AMAZING, HUH?

- OH, I DON'T KNOW IF I'D USE THE TERM "AMAZING."

I-I--THAT MIGHT NOT BE THE FIRST THING I--

I MEAN, LOOK, EVEN IN THE BOOK,

IT WOULDN'T CALL HER "AMAZING."

I MEAN, LOOK HERE, IT--UH.

"AMAZING."

OH, CRUD.

- THANK--THANK YOU. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?

YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE. THANK YOU.

THE TOWN COUNCIL HAS UNANIMOUSLY DECIDED

THIS, UH, BEANSTALK IS NOT TECHNICALLY GREEN SPACE

AND MAY BE A THREAT TO OUR SECURITY.

SO WE'RE GOING TO CHOP IT DOWN.

[cheers and applause]

- UH, SIR, UH, MY--MY SON IS UP THERE.

IF YOU CHOP IT DOWN,

HE'LL BE TRAPPED WITH NO WAY HOME.

- YOUR SON IS UP THERE?

- YES.

- NOT HERE, HE'S THERE?

- NO, NO, HE'S THERE.

- OH, MADAM, I AM SO SORRY.

- OH, THANK YOU.

- I AM WOEFULLY, WOEFULLY SORRY

FOR THIS UNBELIEVABLE SACRIFICE YOU'RE MAKING

ON BEHALF OF THE TOWN.

YOU'RE A GOOD WOMAN, HEROIC AND BRAVE.

BRING IN THE LUMBERJACKS!

- OH, NO.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT. PLEASE.

- I JUST DID.

I SAID, "BRING IN THE LUMBERJACKS!"

- NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT! - NO, I DID.

I CAN'T NOT DO IT. I CAN'T RESCIND THE ORDER.

I'M THE MAYOR. - CHOP ME DOWN TOO.

- I WILL NEED TO BRING THE CITY COUNCIL BACK HERE.

NO, PLEASE, DON'T HUG THE THING.

IT'S VERY UNSEEMLY.

THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

BRING IN THE LUMBERJACKS! - NO.

- [whimpers]

[militaristic drumming]

- AH, HALT.

WHO GOES THERE?

- US.

- FRIEND OR FOE?

- FRIEND.

- FOE?

- NO, FRIEND.

- GO AWAY.

I MEAN IT.

BEAT IT. SCRAM.

GET LOST.

- IS THIS THE CENTER OF THE MAZE?

- NO.

- ARE YOU SURE?

- NO.

- I GET IT.

IT'S OPPOSITE DAY, RIGHT?

- [laughs]

NO.

- [laughs]

I KNEW IT.

- HE SAID NO.

- WHICH MEANS YES, RIGHT?

- NO.

- IS EVERYTHING OPPOSITE?

- NOT AS FAR AS YOU KNOW.

- [guffaws]

- THIS ISN'T RIGHT, JACK. COME ON.

- NO, WAIT A SECOND.

UM, WE'RE LOOKING FOR DESTINY'S HARP.

- NEVER HEARD OF IT.

- GREAT.

THAT MEANS HE KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT.

- THIS IS SILLY, JACK.

COME ON.

- WE HEARD YOU NEED A KEY TO SET IT FREE.

- IT'S A PACK OF LIES.

- GOOD.

SO WE GO STRAIGHT THROUGH THE MAZE.

- NO.

- GOOD.

- IT'S NOT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MAZE.

- IT'S NOT.

- YES. - WAIT.

YES TO "IT'S NOT,"

OR IT'S NOT NOT ON THE OTHER SIDE?

- YES. - NO.

- RIGHT.

- I'M LOST.

- YOU JUST GOT TO THINK BACKWARDS.

- OR STUPID.

- HEY.

- YOU CAN'T GET THERE FROM HERE.

- OH, PERFECT.

SO HOW DO WE DO IT?

- WELL, DON'T KEEP TO THE LEFT,

AND YOU WON'T FIND AN IRON DOOR,

WHICH DOESN'T LEAD TO THE CRYSTAL CAVE.

- FINE. SO WE STAY LEFT.

THAT LEADS US THROUGH AN IRON DOOR

THAT TAKES US TO THE CRYSTAL CAVE

WHERE WE FIND THE KEY THAT SETS US FREE, RIGHT?

- WRONG. - RIGHT.

- WRONG. - RIGHT.

- IT'S A PIECE OF CAKE.

- [laughs]

IT'S A PIECE OF CAKE.

HA, YOU SEE, IT'S EASY, IT'S--

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU SAID PIECE OF CAKE?

- PIECE OF CAKE.

- ARE THERE NASTY THINGS ON THE OTHER SIDE?

- NO, NOT AT ALL.

[chuckles] NONE, NONE, NONE.

NO, NO.

- OH, CRUD.

- WELL, YOU ALL SEEM TO HAVE FAILED THE TEST.

SO GO ON.

FIND THE GOLDEN KEY.

ENJOY.

- THANK YOU?

- THANK ME.

- DID YOU SEE WHAT HE-- HE--

HE SAID "DON'T."

IT'S NOT A-- IT'S--

- SO LONG.

♪ NO, WE HAVE SOME BANANAS

- HEY, WE GOT TO GO LEFT.

- [scoffs] IT'S NOT THE WAY, JACK.

THIS WAY.

- NO. NO.

HE SAID, "DON'T GO LEFT."

AND IF HE SAYS DON'T GO LEFT,

WE GO LEFT BECAUSE IT'S OPPOSITE DAY.

- I'M SORRY.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

BESIDES, MAYBE IT'S BE TOTALLY HONEST DAY

OR TRICK THE IDIOT DAY.

LOOK, JACK, IT'S DANGEROUS IN HERE.

AND DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TRUST YOUR LIFE TO A CHICKEN?

- HEY.

- COME ON.

- NO, WAIT, WAIT. HERE.

LET'S SEE WHAT THE BOOK SAYS.

HERE.

"THE TRIO HEADED INTO THE MAZE

UNCERTAIN OF WHAT LAY AHEAD."

OH, THIS IS NOT TIME FOR A CLIFF-HANGER.

- [clucking]

- OH, I REALLY DON'T NEED THAT GUY RIGHT NOW.

- HAVE A NICE DAY. NOT.

[laughs]

- OKAY, WHAT'S WITH THE BOOK?

- IT'S MY STORY.

- YOU HAVE YOUR OWN STORY?

- WELL, YEAH.

- YOU MEAN, IT RECORDS EVERYTHING YOU DO,

EVERYONE YOU MEET AND WHAT THEY DO AND STUFF?

- OH, FOLLOW ME.

I'M THE CUTE GIRL.

I'M LITTLE MISS PERFECT.

I'LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND.

I'LL SAVE YOU FROM PILLOWS

AND MAKE EVERYONE PUKE.

- WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

- I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

I'M PERFECT. I'M MR. PERFECT.

- HERE WE GO.

"AS THEY TRAVELED THE MAZE,

"GRAYSON WAS FILLED WITH ENVIOUS THOUGHTS

"AND BURNING WITH JEALOUSY

"EVEN THOUGH HE HAD EATEN

MOST OF THE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES."

- FIRST OF ALL, I ONLY HAD THREE.

- FOUR.

- ALL RIGHT, FOUR AT THE MOST.

BUT WHAT POINT OF VIEW IS THAT BOOK TAKING?

LOOK, IF SHE'S SO WONDERFUL,

HOW COME SHE DOESN'T HAVE HER OWN STORY?

WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE IN OURS?

- MAYBE SHE'S THE PLUCKY SIDEKICK.

- I'M THE PLUCKY SIDEKICK!

- MAYBE I'M THE HERO.

- MAYBE SHE'S THE BAD GUY IN DISGUISE.

- WHAT?

- MAYBE SHE'S THE BAD--

- [shushes]

- I'M NOT THE BAD GUY.

- SEE, THAT'S WHAT BAD GUYS ALWAYS SAY,

AND THEN THEY FOLLOW IT UP BY GOING,

"I'M REALLY NOT."

- I'M REALLY NOT.

- SEE?

- [sighs]

- SHE COULD BE LEADING US INTO A TRAP.

- WHAT?

- I WON'T LEAVE HER.

- OKAY, WE-- WE GET IT, JACK.

YOU'RE NOT LIKE YOUR FATHER,

AND--AND MAYBE THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

YOU SEE, EVERY HERO HAS A TRAGIC FLAW

THAT LEADS HIM TO DEFEAT.

HAMLET WAS ALL FLIPPY-FLOPPY.

ACHILLES HAD THE FOOT THING,

AND YOU'RE TRYING SO HARD NOT TO BE YOUR FATHER

THAT YOU'RE GONNA FAIL.

- I'M NOT A FAILURE.

COME ON, JILLIAN, LET'S GO.

- I-I DIDN'T-- I--WAIT.

[wind rushing]

- OVER HERE.

- DID YOU HEAR THAT?

WHAT WAS THAT?

- JACK.

- IT'S NOTHING.

FOLLOW ME.

- NO, NO. JUST LOOK.

[whimpering]

- THIS WAY.

- HEY, WAIT UP.

[coughing]

WHAT--WHAT IS THIS?

- MMM.

JACK. JACK. JACK.

[coughing]

TRAPPED.

WE HAVE YOU.

- OH, CRUD.

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- JACK...

TRAPPED.

- COME ON. LET'S GO BACK.

- JACK...

WE HAVE YOU.

STAY, JACK.

JOIN US.

- WHOA!

- [whimpers] NO!

NOT ME!

[yelling]

JACK!

TRY AND GET OUT.

- IT'S TOO STRONG FOR US.

- WE HAVE YOU.

JACK...

- THE BOOK. THROW ME THE BOOK.

- WHAT?

- THROW ME THE BOOK.

IF I RIP OUT THE PAGES,

WE CAN START OVER.

- JACK, YOU CAN'T.

- THE BOOK, NOW!

- JACK.

IT'S THE GLUE TO EVERYTHING.

- THROW IT!

AH, GOT IT.

- NO!

[echoing rumbling]

- JACK...

OVER HERE.

JACK.

- WHAT DID YOU DO?

- IT'LL BE DARK SOON.

WE SHOULD CAMP FOR THE NIGHT.

THIS WAY.

- [growls]

YEAH, LIKE, I'M SURE THAT WAY'S SAFE.

[acoustic guitar music]

♪

- WHAT ARE YOU?

all: LUMBERJACKS!

- AND WHAT DO YOU DO?

all: CHOP!

[cheers and applause]

- WHAT ARE YOU?

all: LUMBERJACKS.

- YES, AND WHAT DO YOU DO?

all: CHOP!

- OH, WHAT ARE YOU?

all: LUMBERJACKS.

- AND WHAT DO YOU DO?

all: CHOP!

- EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

MORNING, FELLAS.

UM, ACTUALLY, I DON'T CHOP.

- OH, WHAT?

- NO, I'VE ALWAYS REALLY RATHER LIKED TREES,

THEIR BARKY GOODNESS, THEIR LEAFY FOLIAGE.

- WE'RE RATHER IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING HERE.

- I NEVER WANTED TO BE A LUMBERJACK, ANYWAY.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT WITH MY LIFE.

- WELL, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE?

- I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE...

- WHAT? WHAT?

- I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE...

- SAY IT, MAN.

- A PET STORE OWNER.

- WHAT?

- YES. HUGGABLE DOGS, HAMSTERS,

LITTLE RABBITS, A NORWEGIAN BLUE PARROT.

- A NORWEGIAN BLUE PARROT?

- GOT BEAUTIFUL PLUMAGE.

- GET RID OF HIM!

- ANTEATERS?

- ♪ WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED

♪ WE SHALL, WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED ♪

- OH, WHAT IS IT NOW?

- ♪ WE SHALL, WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED ♪

♪ WE SHALL, WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED ♪

- [screams lightly]

THAT'S IT, THE IRON GATE,

JUST LIKE THE OPPOSITE GUY DIDN'T SAY.

- YEAH.

GOOD JOB GETTING US HERE.

[latches clanking]

IT'S DARK.

COME ON.

HELLO?

HELLO? ANYBODY HERE?

- IT'S A 3-INCH DOOR.

WHO BUILDS A 3-INCH DOOR?

- GRAYSON, I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.

[thud, rock clatters]

- OW!

WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS?

HOLD ON.

I SAW THIS ONCE IN AN INFOMERCIAL.

[claps twice]

- JILLIAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- OH, GREAT. TWO KEYS.

IT WOULD HAVE TO BE TWO KEYS.

THEY CAN'T MAKE IT EASY,

LIKE HAVE ONE KEY THERE

AND A SIGN THAT SAYS, "TAKE THIS KEY."

WELL, LET'S SEE.

OPPOSITE GUY SAID, "TAKE THE GOLDEN KEY."

SO IT'S EASY. WE TAKE--NO.

IT'S OPPOSITE GUY, SO THAT MEANS IT'S OPPOSITE.

THEREFORE WE TAKE THE SILVER KEY,

'CAUSE HE SAID THE GOLDEN KEY,

AND WE COULD TAKE THAT,

BUT I GUESS THAT MEANS SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

- NOT REALLY.

BUT JILLIAN SAID TAKE THE GOLDEN KEY, RIGHT?

- OH, YEAH.

AND JILLIAN'S YOUR FRIEND.

- [sighs]

- JACK!

[screaming]

[crashing]

[coughing]

- OW.

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

[coughing]

- OH, THESE ARE STRONG BARS.

YEAH, GREAT CRAFTSMANSHIP.

DON'T WORRY.

WE'LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE.

[footsteps booming]

- FEE, FI, FO, FUM.

I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN.

- [whimpers]

- YOU'RE THE GIANT.

- WELL, TECHNICALLY, I'M NOT ENGLISH OR A MAN.

I'M A TUFTED ROMAN,

AND I THINK I MAY BE 1/4 ITALIAN ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE.

- [grunts] - [screams]

[egg clinks]

- HMM.

- GRAYSON.

- WHAT?

LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN SCARED AND--

OH.

- WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW. WHAT IS THAT?

- [sniffs]

- YOU MIGHT WANT TO RINSE THAT OFF.

- [slurping]

MMM.

all: EW!

- GROSS!

- 14 CARATS.

- FROM ME?

AND I'M ON A LOW FIBER DIET.

- HMM.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GUY.

- I AM A GUY.

- GUYS CAN'T LAY EGGS.

- WELL, TAKE A GANDER.

- OOH.

A SWAN THAT LAYS GOLDEN EGGS, DOBBYTOK.

- I'M A GOOSE, A GOOSE.

- GET HIM.

- OKAY.

COME HERE.

[chuckles]

COME ON.

- LET HIM GO!

- DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD BEAT ME,

A LITTLE NOBODY LIKE YOU?

- [chuckles]

- JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, BOY?

NOW WHAT ABOUT YOU?

- DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, DOG BREATH.

- AH, HE DOESN'T KNOW.

- HE DOESN'T KNOW.

HE DOESN'T KNOW. [chuckles]

- KNOW WHAT?

- [laughs]

- JACK, I TRIED TO TELL YOU.

- YOU BROUGHT HIM HERE JUST LIKE YOU PROMISED.

- YOU SET US UP.

- [chuckles]

- I DID, BUT-- - COME ON, YOU.

- I HAD A REALLY GOOD REASON.

I REALLY DID.

JUST LISTEN TO ME.

PLEASE, JACK.

PLEASE!

- NIGHTY-NIGHT.

- JACK. JACK!

- IN YOU GET, DUCKY.

[chuckles]

LOCK THE DOOR. HMM.

- WAIT.

- I DID WHAT YOU ASKED.

- WE HAD A DEAL.

YOU BRING ME JACK,

AND I GIVE YOU YOUR FATHER.

AND I AM A GIANT OF MY WORD.

DOBBYTOK.

- COMING.

[armor clanking]

YES, BOSS?

- GET THE FATHER.

- OH, YEAH, FATHER. WILL DO.

YES, I'LL GET THE FATHER.

- MM.

- [chuckles]

HELLO.

- NO FATHER?

- NO. NO.

- TRICKED YOU.

THE OLD FOOL ESCAPED MONTHS AGO,

FOUND AN ESCAPE ROUTE TO THE WORLD BELOW.

HE GOT AWAY,

BUT I CRUSHED THE OTHER PRISONER WHO HELPED HIM.

AND GUESS WHAT?

NOW I HAVE HIS DAUGHTER.

- NO, NO, NO! LET GO OF ME.

- TAKE HER AWAY.

- WE HAD A DEAL, GIANT.

- OH, BOO-HOO. - YOU LIED!

YOU LIED TO ME!

GET OFF OF ME.

- [laughs]

- NO! - TAKE HER.

- NO, YOU LIED!

YOU'RE A LIAR.

GET OFF OF ME, YOU BIG, GREEN IDIOT.

- [yawns]

- WE HAVE TO GET RID OF THE BEANSTALK

SO THE TERROR UP THERE DOES NOT COME DOWN HERE.

CHOP AROUND HER.

THAT'S RIGHT. CHOP.

[all chanting] CHOP, CHOP, CHOP!

- [sighs]

HELLO?

CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME?

HELLO?

[groans] IT'S NO USE.

[booming noise]

[metal squeaking]

- GET OFF OF ME.

- COME ON, BLONDIE.

- GET OFF OF ME!

- OH, YEAH. HERE YOU ARE.

GET IN THERE.

LOCK THE DOOR.

BYE-BYE.

[whistles cheerfully]

- JACK, I--

- DON'T.

- [sighs] BUT I REALLY WANT TO EXPLAIN--

- JUST SHUT UP, OKAY?

- [whimpers]

- LAY ANOTHER EGG.

- [grunting]

- LAY ANOTHER EGG.

- LOOK, MAYBE IT WAS A ONE-TIME DEAL.

WE--WE CAN TRY THE LAMAZE METHOD.

YOU KNOW... [panting]

ENCOURAGE AND SUPPORT.

[panting]

ENCOURAGE AND SUPPORT.

- JUST DO IT!

- [screams]

[egg clinks]

- HMM.

HMM. BULLION.

GOOD.

AH.

- LOOK.

JACK, I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN.

IF YOU ONLY KNEW WHY.

- YOU'RE THE GIANT'S LACKEY.

THAT'S WHAT LACKEYS DO.

- I'M NOT A LACKEY.

- HA.

"ONCE UPON A TIME,

"THERE WAS A GIRL NAMED JILLIAN

"WHO WANTED TO BE THE GREATEST HERO OF ALL TIME.

BUT HER FATHER WAS CAPTURED BY AN EVIL GIANT."

- I'D DO WHATEVER I HAD TO SAVE MY FATHER.

I DIDN'T CARE HOW I DID IT OR WHO I HURT.

AND NOW I SEE THAT THERE'S JUST SO MUCH MORE TO BEING A HERO

THAN JUST WHAT YOU DO.

IT'S WHO YOU ARE.

RIGHT.

- WAIT.

- NO.

I'D RATHER BE ANYTHING IN YOUR STORY

THAN A HERO IN MY OWN.

[water splashes]

- YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.

NOW MY STORY WON'T BE TOLD.

I FAILED.

- JACK, A HERO IS ONLY A FAILURE

IF YOU END THEIR STORY TOO SOON.

I WANT TO HELP YOU AND VERRI SADDIUS.

THEN I'LL GO DOWN THAT BEANSTALK,

AND I'LL SEARCH FOR MY FATHER.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, JACK?

- OKAY.

LET'S DO IT.

- OKAY.

SO OKAY.

WE'RE GONNA NEED TO TRY TO FIND A WAY OUT OF HERE.

[sighs]

WE'RE GONNA NEED TO FIND SOMETHING

TO PICK THE LOCK, OKAY?

- OKAY.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

- DID YOU FIND SOMETHING?

IT'S A FAMILY CREST.

DO YOU KNOW IT?

- DAD.

- THAT'S MY FAMILY CREST.

- WHAT?

- THE OLD FOOL ESCAPED MONTHS AGO,

FOUND AN ESCAPE ROUTE TO THE WORLD BELOW.

HE GOT AWAY,

BUT I CRUSHED THE OTHER PRISONER WHO HELPED HIM.

[echoing] CRUSHED THE OTHER PRISONER WHO HELPED HIM.

CRUSHED THE OTHER PRISONER WHO HELPED HIM.

[faintly] CRUSHED THE OTHER PRISONER WHO HELPED HIM.

JACK.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FATHER.

[sobs]

HE REALLY WAS A HERO.

BUT HE'S GONE NOW.

AND I'M SO SORRY.

JACK, I'M SO SORRY.

- NO.

NO.

THE GIANT?

- [sniffles] YEAH.

- [sobs]

- WHAT'S THIS?

- I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THAT.

WE CAN USE THE WIRE FROM THIS TO PICK THE LOCK.

- COOL.

- YOU DON'T THINK...

- WHAT?

[lock clicks]

both: WEIRD.

[gate creaks open]

[unearthly vocalizing]

- COME ON.

[shushes]

- JACK.

JACK.

- [shushes]

ARE YOU OKAY?

- YEAH. ARE YOU OKAY?

- YEAH.

- LOOK, IT'S-- IT'S LOCKED.

YOU BETTER TRY TO GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

- THE KEY.

- I'M NOT LEAVING YOU.

- JACK, FOR THE LAST TIME,

YOU'RE NOT YOUR FATHER.

- I AM.

[giant snoring]

WHAT?

[giant belches]

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

- I STOLE IT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW.

I GUESS I REALLY AM THE BAD GUY.

[soft laughter]

[lock clicking]

- SEE, JACK, I TOLD YOU SHE WAS THE BAD GUY.

- YEAH, BUT I'M THE BAD GUY WITH THE HEART OF GOLD.

- WELL, YOU MIGHT HAVE A HEART OF GOLD,

BUT LOOK AT MY--

- OKAY. TIME TO GO.

- ALL RIGHT. [mumbles]

OKAY.

- THIS WAY.

- NO, THE GIANT'S OVER THERE.

WE CAN GET OUT THERE.

- BUT I GOT TO GET THE HARP.

IT'S MY QUEST, REMEMBER?

- GIVE ME A CALL TOMORROW.

- NO.

NOW.

- [whimpers]

- THAT WAY. THAT WAY.

- JACK.

[vocalizing continues]

- [shushes]

- WHAT?

- NO, NOT YOU.

KEEP--KEEP PLAYING.

[unearthly vocalizing]

I'M GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE, OKAY?

- HMM-MM.

I GOT AN IDEA.

- WHAT?

HEROES HAVE TO EAT TOO, RIGHT?

OH, AND WE CAN DO THE WHOLE, "STEAL FROM THE RICH

AND GIVE TO THE POOR" THING, OKAY?

- OKAY.

[coins jingling]

[giant snores]

- [grumbles]

- [shushes]

- [mouthing words]

- GOING SOMEWHERE?

- OH!

- DUCK!

- I KEEP TELLING YOU. I'M NOT A--

clang!

OH, YOU MEANT THAT I SHOULD HAVE DUCKED.

YES. - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

QUICK. WE NEED SOMETHING TO THROW.

- YOU'RE NOT THROWING ME THERE.

- NOT YOU, YOUR EGGS.

- I CAN'T JUST PRODUCE AN EGG.

IT ONLY HAPPENS WHEN I'M SCARED.

- PATE!

- [screams] [egg clanks]

- GRAVY!

- [screams] [egg clanks]

- OH, ME HEAD.

- [grunts]

- [moans]

MOMMY.

- FEE, FI, FO, FUM.

I SMELL-- AH!

WHOA!

- NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO RUN!

- GO!

- HEAD FOR THE BEANSTALK!

[shouting]

- COME ON!

COME ON!

- COME ON!

- [whimpering]

HURRY, JACK.

JACK!

- [grunts]

COME BACK HERE.

- COME ON.

HURRY!

- [panting]

- WAIT. WAIT.

DID YOU TIE HIS BOOTS TOGETHER?

- WELL, I HAD HELP. THUMBS.

[laughter]

- COME ON.

HURRY.

HERE.

TAKE MY HAND.

- [screaming]

- COME BACK!

YOU'LL NEVER ESCAPE.

[footsteps booming]

- [shouts]

- [faintly] WAIT. WHERE DID YOU GO?

HE'S COMING! OH!

- KEEP GOING.

- BRING ME BACK MY HARP.

[faint shouting]

- START CLIMBING.

- HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

- LET'S GO.

- JACK. JACK!

- HURRY, HURRY.

[grunting]

- YOU OKAY, GRAYSON?

- YEP!

HURRY!

I CAN HEAR HIM!

- KEEP GOING.

[axes chopping]

- DO. - DO.

- CHOP.

- GRAYSON. JACK!

- KEEP GOING.

- THEY'RE CHOPPING THE BEANSTALK DOWN.

- CHOP, COME ON.

- FEE, FI, FO, FUM.

I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN.

BE YE LIVE OR BE YE DEAD,

I'LL CRUSH YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD.

- OH, DEAR!

CHOP FASTER.

CHOP FASTER! GO!

GO, CHOP! OH, DEAR.

- JACK, HURRY UP.

- [grunts]

- PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT.

HURRY.

- GRAYSON!

- WE'RE GOING GOOD-BYE NOW.

- FASTER. GET IT!

CHOP, CHOP!

CHOP, CHOP, CHOP FASTER!

- MOM, MOM! - JACK?

- IT'S ME.

STOP CUTTING. IT'S JACK.

- JACK! JACK!

- NO, YOU CAN'T GO UP THERE.

IT'S FAR TOO DANGEROUS.

- HEY, MISTER, OFF THE BADONKADONK.

- OH.

[stalk creaking]

[shouting]

- UH-OH.

[stalk creaks]

[screaming]

crash!

[coughing]

- ARE THEY ALL RIGHT?

- YOU OKAY? - YOU OKAY?

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- OH. - YEAH.

- IS EVERYBODY OKAY?

- MOM?

- GOOD JOB.

- MOM!

- JACK! OH! JACK!

YOU'RE OKAY.

OH, I WAS SO WORRIED.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- I'M FINE, MOM.

- DADDY!

DADDY.

- WELL, WELL.

MR. THATCHER JR.

I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- I KNOW.

- MM-HMM.

- YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SHOW ME

BEFORE I GIVE YOU YOUR FINAL GRADE?

[chuckles]

[laughs]

OH, DEAR.

[gasps]

- GRANDFATHER! GRANDFATHER!

- OH! OH!

OH, MY ANGEL.

OH, YOU'RE HERE. YOU'RE BACK TO ME.

[laughs]

LET ME LOOK AT YOU.

OH, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.

- I'M NOT SURPRISED.

I GUESS THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL TOO FAR FROM THE TREE.

- HE LET US DOWN AGAIN.

- EXCUSE ME.

- HUH?

[gasps]

YOU. YOU--YOU'RE--

LANCELOT SQUAREJAW,

WINNER OF THE HEROES,

CHALLENGED MORE TIMES THAN ANYONE.

- HE STILL LOOKS GOOD.

- YOU SEE, MY LIFE WAS SAVED BY A TRUE HERO,

DANIEL THATCHER.

- DANIEL THA--

- HE SACRIFICED HIS LIFE FOR MINE,

BUT BECAUSE OF THE INJURIES I SUSTAINED,

IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME

TO SAVE DESTINY OR MY OWN DAUGHTER,

AND SO I TURNED FOR HELP TO THE GREATEST HERO I COULD FIND,

HIS SON.

[crowd gasps]

- HIS FATHER WOULD BE PROUD.

- IT'S TRUE.

THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE.

- [gasps]

- YOU'RE A HERO, JACK.

- AND, UM, WHAT'S THAT WORD I'M LOOKING FOR?

IT STARTS WITH A "P," "P."

ANYONE?

- PROOF.

- [laughs]

AH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD READ THIS.

- "ONCE UPON A TIME,

"THERE WAS A BOY NAMED JACK

"WHOSE INITIATIVE, PERSEVERANCE,

AND SACRIFICE MADE HIM A TRUE HERO."

- THIS WAS GREAT!

- AND NOW WITH THE HELP OF THESE,

OH, WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?

OH, YES, THUMBS, OPPOSABLE THUMBS...

AHEM.

- PLEASE. PLEASE.

PLEASE.

- OH.

[cheers and applause]

- HIP HIP HOORAY, JACK!

HIP HIP HOORAY!

all: HIP HIP HOORAY.

HIP HIP HOORAY.

- THE SAVIOR OF US ALL.

- I HELPED HIM. I DID EVERYTHING.

- UP, PICK HIM UP!

[joyous instrumental music]

♪

[lively instrumental music]

♪

[metal clanking]

- MOMMY?

[yawns]

HELLO?

HELLO-OH?

HELLO?

HELLO?

HELLO.

HELLO?

MARCO?

HELLO?

HMM.

[sniffs]

[groans]

OHH.

ME LIKEY.

[laughs]

RIGHT.

FEE, FO, FI, FUM.

I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN.

BE YE LIVE OR BE YE DEAD,

I'LL CRUSH YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD.