Original subtitles

(PHONE RINGS)

(VINCE GROANS)

- It's 3 o'clock in the morning.

- Yeah, I've started training like Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson.

Makes me appear driven and psychotic.

Anyway, what are you up to?

- Not much. Actually just 45 minutes into my own cardio workout.

- Oh, no way, you too? - Yes. No way, you idiot!

I'm asleep. What do you want?

- Well, not for much longer, Vince Walters,

you are headed back to television.

I'll pick you up in an hour.

- Where are we going at 4 o'clock in the morning?

- Home, my friend.

Home.

- (SCOFFS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

- So, the clip of you has racked up millions and millions of views.

They're actually starting to call you Viral Vince.

- Yes. Not the most flattering nickname, is it, Tobes?

Looks even worse when it's written on screen there, scrolling along the bottom.

- Daddy's back.

- I'll be the judge of that. - Where's he gone, again?

- So, what would you like to say to the producers of Break Up Beach?

- Uh, where's my appearance fee? (CHUCKLES)

No, honestly, it's incredible how fast you run out of moolah

when you get sacked and your wife takes you for 85% of everything you've got.

- Probably a conversation we could have off air.

- Sweet. Cos you announced our divorce on air, so I just thought it was... (MOUTHS)

- So, um, what's next for Vince Walters?

- Uh...

- Cat got your tongue there, Vince?

Oh my God, Mike Martin.

- That's a lot of touching. Here we go. Scooch over, chicken.

Ah! Nice to be here with the juniors.

And, of course, my morning family.

- Mike, welcome. To what do we owe this pleasure?

- Well, my pleasure is to pleasure the audience.

And I come bearing news.

And what better platform to do that on than middling morning television?

You see, there comes a time in the most celebrated superstars life

where he decides to park his ludicrously expensive Lamborghini

in the garage and settle down.

- Are you getting married? - For the sixth time.

God no, Vincy boy.

Let's keep the mood light, shall we? This show's depressing enough.

- Well, surely you're not retiring.

- I'm not saying that, but I'm not not saying that.

- Well, what are you saying? - Ah, little Vince.

Always the one with the hard-hitting questions.

- My questions hit pretty hard, too.

- Sure they do, pussycat. - But he's got a point.

Some of us like to get to the heart of the story, you know?

And I've also got the natural on-camera rapport.

- It's a pity you and your rapport aren't allowed on camera.

- Well, me and my rapport are currently on-camera, so�

- This is filler. It was between you and New Zealand's fussiest toddler and the toddler's still asleep.

- Goodness me. Would you just listen to them?

Anyone would think they were still married.

(ALL LAUGH)

- He's funny. (LAUGHS INTENSELY)

(ALL LAUGH FORCEFULLY)

- Oh, there it is.

- I don't know what's happening. - What's happening, son,

is that is the smell, the stench, the aroma of desperation.

Well, that's all I came in to say.

Here's Magic Mike leaving. Will he retire?

And if so, who will fill these marvellous, gigantic Saskatchewan shoes?

I can tell you something.

They won't nearly be as talented.

Until then, squeeze your loved ones.

Or I will.

Magic Mike away.

- Mike Martin, everyone.

Thanks for coming on, Vince.

- After the break, we talk to the 12-year-old Palmerston North girl who claims her guinea pig is racist.

Stay tuned.

- Something's bubbling.

I mean, maybe the old fart ran out of staff members to fondle.

They're gonna need to replace that stale, pale male.

And there is no one more stale, more pale than you.

- Wow, that might be the most beautiful thing you've ever said to me. Thank you.

- Well, this stale, pale male is not interested.

- Uh, excuse me, stale, pale male,

but this is the gig we've always wanted.

I mean, that viral clip couldn't have been better timing.

- Dad, what happened to court?

What happened to 'I'll never go back to that piece of shit industry'?

- Yeah, well, I remembered a thing called rent.

Come on. Car.

- (COUGHS)

- Oh, come on, it's watermelon.

It's got vitamins. It's good for kids.

- No, it's not that. I think I'm catching swine flu.

- Ew. - School cross-country day.

- Uh...

- (COUGHS) No, I love running in mud and being humiliated when I come last.

- Evie, if you wanna convince people you're sick,

you need to come up with something that makes them uncomfortable so there's no follow up questions.

When I was your age, I would get a bit of my mom's white foundy, and I would rub it on my face.

Made me look like I had rabies.

- Careful, careful. Natural fibres.

(WARPING MUSIC PLAYS)

- Or, actually, another goodie.

Just say you're thinking about jumping off a bridge.

(VOICE ECHOES)

- Oi, Brayden. Stop jumping.

You'll get footprints all over the bloody couch.

- You know, I am like sickness Socrates.

People would pay good money for this wisdom.

And you're just getting a freebie. (VOICE ECHOES)

- Honestly, we get sent free stuff all the time because people think

Brayden is sick, but nothing like what's in that room.

- The kid doesn't have cancer.

- Yes, Evie, say you've got cancer.

That'll get you a day off.

- No, no, no, no, no. The cancer kid doesn't have cancer.

- You mean the one you waggled in front of?

Why would they lie about that?

- Uh, I did not waggle, and I don't know.

I don't know why they would say it, but this could clear Heidi and me.

And if it does, Mike Martin Tonight is all mine.

- You gotta have big bollocks to accuse a cancer kid of not having cancer.

All right, how are you gonna prove it?

- This calls for a good, old-fashioned stakeout.

- Uh, we will do a good, old-fashioned stakeout.

You will do a good, old-fashioned school cross-country.

- But it's Saturday. - I'm not falling for that a third time this week.

- Damn it! - Come on. Get in the car.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Uh, Billy, a moment.

I have a professional question.

- Uh� Don't ask.

Yes. Botox will take 10 years off you.

- When Mike retires or dies, whichever comes first,

I want that gig.

- Absolutely.

Just hold that thought and keep holding.

- Oh, Mike. Such fun this morning.

I love a surprise visit.

- Oh, Louise, my dear, mundane morning filler television suits you.

I don't know how you do it.

I would rather put my hand in a vise and lop it off with a rusty hacksaw,

catch tetanus and die.

- (LAUGHS FORCEFULLY) You're so funny.

And funny you should mention death.

- Oh, tick tock, tick tock.

The career dying, is it, darling? The Grim Reaper coming to get you?

- Well, he's coming for all of us, isn't he?

- Yeah, but you see, a silver fox like myself, ageing is distinguished.

A plus on the job, a bonus.

But for you lady mob, well, you've got to take advantage of your looks while you can, don't you?

Have you ever thought of a little lift here, nip-tuck there?

- I won't beat around the bush. - Oh, that's my favourite game.

- I want your job when you leave.

I have the experience, the journalistic credentials and the backing from management.

- Well, it's a sweet idea, my darling.

But completely delusional

if you think that I'm gonna let a woman fill these shoes.

The pants? Absolutely. All day long.

But the shoes? You're dreaming.

Adios.

- What the hell happened to 'Absolutely?'

- You have no idea how hard it is being boss.

You know, managing egos and expectations.

Mike was right. Putting you in, it's a gamble.

- Hey, Lou.

Take this.

It's got so much caffeine in it, it's banned in nine different countries.

- Mmm. Thanks.

(PLAYFUL, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

- Oi. - (GROANS)

What?

- Let's go, honey.

- OK,

bitch and wheely boy gone.

Come on.

- (SIGHS)

- Oh, that is one stinky evidence pit.

You know, this is how I caught my second husband dipping his John Wick where it shouldn't have been.

- He was putting it in the rubbish bin?

- No, he was putting it in the receptionist,

but he dumped the connies in the general waste,

and I would go down, fish them out, take them down to soft plastics.

Hospital bill.

Prescription pills.

- (SIGHS)

Looks like the kid's got cancer.

Maybe it was crazy coming down here.

- We've got to be certain.

Yeah. We're breaking in.

(CROWBAR CLANGS)

Ah! - Oh, shh, shh.

- Well, you just dropped the crowbar, you shh.

(YELPS) Last man who touched me there had the decency to buy me dinner first.

- If we're talking meals, I'm pretty sure I can see what you had for breakfast.

Three, two... (GRUNTS)

- Ah! Ow! Ow!

(THUMP!)

I'm in. - Yeah, I can see that.

Go meet me at the front door.

- I just got you out my back door.

What? Girl's gotta eat.

They've got loads of them.

- Are we really doing this?

(PLAYFUL, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

OK. There's got to be something around here somewhere, right?

Go check the bedrooms.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

- Oi. I found this in the kid's bedroom.

He's a sicko.

I love it.

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

- Vitamins, antioxidants, beta-carotene.

(SIGHS) The kid's legit. Maybe this was a bad idea.

- Yeah, it was a shocking idea.

I mean, I should have known.

Accusing a kid of faking cancer? Who does that?

Only silver lining is these carrots.

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

- Fuck.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(CARROT CRUNCHES)

Hey, Bugs Bunny. Enough with the carrots.

- Oh, Mummy.

Look at this. - Shh!

- (GRUNTS) (KNIFE THUDS)

- Did you see that? - I'm taking this.

- He was walking. - He's not a paraplegic.

I mean, cancer kids can still walk. It doesn't prove anything.

- I'm just having a shower, Bray.

There's leftover sashimi from the buffet in my handbag if you want a snack.

- Handbag sashimi? - Yeah. Sounds delicious.

We'll grab some on the way home. - No. Cancer patients can't have raw fish.

Mum was never allowed it.

Get your phone. We're filming him.

(DOWNBEAT MUSIC)

- He's over there. - OK.

So, the plan is we get a film of Brayden eating his handbag sashimi, right?

And then I'll ambush interview him like one of those To Catch a Predator shows, yeah?

And then we get him on camera admitting to everything, the lying little bastard.

- Hey. - Hey, mate.

- Hey mate, how's it hanging?

- We were� We were just down the road.

We thought 'Oh, it'd be nice to call on on and say...'

- Mum! the TV loser's here with the MILF.

- You want to know why we're really here, mate?

Yeah? Cos I know you're faking your cancer.

You little gremlin.

Yeah.

- (SCREAMS)

- (GRUNTS)

- What the son of a monkey is going on here?

Get him, Bray! Hold him in that chokehold. Make him big for mercy.

- Should I snap his neck, Mum, should I do it?

- Let's not get into neck snapping just yet.

What even are you doing here? What did you see?

- Get your hands off him, you little bitch.

- Don't call my son a little bitch, you big bitch.

- Don't call me a big bitch, you body shaming bitch.

- Fine, old skanky bitch.

- You ranga! Ranga bitch!

- Can everyone stop calling each other bitches, please?

- Can you please release my client from that very impressive rear naked chokehold?

- So? - Yeah.

- (GRUNTS, COUGHS)

- OK. OK, sweetie? OK.

- Did you see that? - I did see that. You did so well.

Did that pervert touch you? - No, no.

- Ha, ha! I got you standing, and I got you, now, you crazy bitch!

- Wow! It's a miracle. Oh, no! He's sick again.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah. It is a miracle.

Old mate over here with terminal cancer can do a butt naked chokehold.

- Rear� Rear naked.

- Not important right now, cos I've just seen you eating your handbag fish,

All right, handbag fish. Yeah.

- What are you doing in my house?

- Uh, breaking in, rifling through your stuff and hiding in your teenage boys cupboard

to prove he doesn't have cancer. What are you doing?

- Uh, well, I'm calling the police now, you pervy pervert.

- Get up, Conor McGregor. Get up. Yeah. You like that?

Yeah. Get up. We know you're lying.

- Look at this.

Vince Walters from the television breaks into my house

and assaults my poor, sweet, cancer child.

gossboss.co.nz is gonna love this.

- Oh, yeah? Well, if gossboss.co.nz is watching this,

the kid's lying. He doesn't have cancer.

- What we have here is a Mexican standoff.

- That's if a Mexican standoff's still appropriate in this day and age.

I hope we haven't offended anyone watching.

- Can't be too careful. Actually, just comment below. Stand off or Mexican standoff?

Whichever one's less racist.

- Oh, man. We need an actual adult in this room.

- I can't believe we're back here.

Right, so, let me get this straight.

You rifled through their rubbish, broke into the house, ransacked the bedroom and secretly filmed him.

- And I also ate two carrots.

- All right, here is what we're gonna do.

We are going to have a concise, grown-up conversation like the adults we are all meant to be.

Everyone put their phone down and delete the footage on the count of three.

One, two, three.

Now, Brayden, is it true you don't have cancer?

- I think he's just feeling a little light-headed.

- Nah, nah, Mum, see� I can't keep doing this anymore.

I'm trying to go pro in the UFC, and, well, like, I'm sitting in a wheelchair all day.

How am I gonna do that?

- Oh, Bethany. Why?

- I, um...

I got us in too deep.

OK, look. A few years ago, I auditioned for that show

'Has New Zealand Got Any Talent?'

I had to take Bray along with me to the audition because his deadbeat loser dad had taken off again

to, I don't know, the drifting nationals.

And Brayden had just been diagnosed with cancer.

And then that producer TV guy, Billy, he he saw Bray and he said

that if I put him on camera, then that would give me an emotional backstory

and it would guarantee me a spot into the boot camp.

But as soon as I started singing, you just mocked me immediately.

- I have zero recollection of this.

- Oh, yeah, because there was zero impact on your life.

But we could have actually really done with that prize money.

I couldn't even afford Bray's treatments.

You know, then the clip came out and people started feeling sorry for us, I guess,

and they just kind of gave us all this free stuff.

Thankfully, not too long after that, the treatments worked and Brayden went into remission.

I guess by that stage, I'd already gotten a taste of what it was like to get the fame and attention.

What I would have got if you had have just let me stay on the show.

All I ever wanted was to show Brayden that you should never give up.

I guess all I showed you was that if you live a lie, you get free vacuum cleaners.

- Bethany.

I'm so sorry.

- Right.

So, that would be what we call motive in the legal world.

Well, ex-legal world for me.

- Oh, yeah. I'm like, so totally sorry about that. I didn't mean to.

- You definitely did when you played the judge

that weird movie trailer that you made.

- OK, back to the important part. Me.

What has all of this got to do with my malfunctioning pants?

- OK, that's like another whole movie trailer.

But...

the truth is...

Bray gave them a swift yank. - (LAUGHS) I knew it. See?

It wasn't me. - Lady, you are insane.

- And you were just eating carrots in a teenage boys cupboard.

- Perfectly normal behaviour.

- Right, so, Bethany, you have just admitted to orchestrating the act of pulling down Vince's trousers.

Furthermore, Vince, we have just heard about the past incident

where you were a complete, heartless twat.

- Hey, I'm the injured party in all this.

- And I lost my job in all this.

- And I'm gonna lose all of our free stuff and sponsorship deals if anyone finds out about it.

- (SIGHS) As far as I see it, there is only one thing left to do.

(SERENE MUSIC)

- Hey, guys, it's your girl Cancer Mum here.

I have some pretty exciting news to share with you guys.

Brayden's in remission.

Oh, yeah? He kicked cancer's ass. - Yeah.

- (WHOOPS, LAUGHS)

Look, we are so thankful for all of your guys' support over the years.

And one other little bit of news we wanted to share,

um, regarding the little whoopsie-daisy

with Vince Walters at the hospital.

You know, when he took his pants off in front of all the kids?

Well, look, it wasn't, you know, entirely his fault.

So...

- What is this weird arms thing?

- It's the infant stages of a celebratory hug.

- Oh. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

- Where are you going? Come on. It's cause for celebration.

How about you and me go out for dinner? Remember when I asked you if you wanted to entangle?

- Oh, yeah. I'm still trying to block that out, actually.

- How about you, me � uninterrupted entanglement.

- You've got to stop saying entanglement.

It's so weird.

Vince... (SCOFFS)

it's not gonna end well, OK?

I am an incurable romantic. I might even be clinically diagnosed.

Going on dates with hopeless losers is like crack to me.

- I love crack addicts. All the scratching and unpredictability. It's exciting.

- It's not a joke, OK?

I'm not doing the silly romantic thing anymore.

Chasing the happily ever after.

That's what made me stay with a philandering scumbag for so long.

'Love Actually' actually has a lot to answer for.

- OK, how about this?

No romance. Purely platonic.

No boombox. In fact, I might even make you pay for dinner.

And if you play your cards right, I might stop saying the word entanglement.

- Really? Because you have said that so many times, it's crazy.

- In fact, I'll make this whole dinner date thing so bad,

you'll wish you stayed at home and cleared out the gunky hair from your shower drain.

- OK, fine.

It better be the worst.

- It's gonna be. Yeah.

- I can see that.

# And I see sha, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

# I feel good, I feel good. #

- (WHISTLES TUNE)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hmm. Someone's keen to be disappointed.

- Ooh! Route 33. Gets me in the nostrils every time.

That lawyer lady is a lucky lass.

- What are you doing here? I thought we sorted everything.

- Yeah. Look, I couldn't leave this.

You know how I said there was a whole other movie trailer about what happened at the hospital?

Well, you might want to get the popcorn for this.

- Come on.

(DOWNBEAT, FUNKY MUSIC)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Hi. - Oh, it's... It's you.

- Yeah. The one and only.

- Hi. - Oh, sorry. Hello.

- Are you OK? I came as soon as I heard.

- Yeah, no, all good. Where's Eves? - I dropped her at your dad's.

- All good. OK.

- Sorry, am I interrupting? - She's. She's just, um...

I'm gonna have to cancel. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Absolutely.

No. Yeah. That's great, actually, I've got so much to do.

- OK. Sorry. - Have a good time.

- Yeah. - Bye.

(SIGHS) That really was the worst date ever.

Captions by Maia Carr Heke.

Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2025

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0