Original subtitles

- In the case of Evie Walters versus Vince Walters,

I petition full custody to stay with my mother.

- Objection. - On what grounds?

- The grounds that it hurt my feelings? - Overruled.

- On what grounds? - On the grounds that I'm a judge.

- Right. OK, yeah, they're pretty good grounds.

I was just checking the grounds there.

- I understand that emancipation under the New Zealand law is an anomaly.

However, I have a strong case for approval.

- (MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) - Dad.

I want a divorce.

(RAUNCHY ELECTRONIC RINGTONE PLAYS)

- Sorry. It's my, um� It's my agent. She got a customised ringtone.

- Phone � off � now, Mr Walters. - Yeah, yep, I'm trying. I'm trying. Just shut up!

The phone, not...

not you, Your Majesty.

I'll just try and sort this out.

Sorry.

(RAUNCHY ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2025

(SIGHS)

- (COUGHS, GURGLES) - Talk about an iron deficiency, mate.

(GROANS)

(MAN GURGLES)

(DETECTOR BEEPS RAPIDLY) Oi! Baldy, get back here!

I haven't tasered anyone this morning, and I gotta get my daily quota up!

They don't pay me enough to care.

(GRUNTS)

- (SIGHS) (INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

WHISPERS: Sorry. - Mr Walters.

Pleased you could join us. - Thank you.

- Well, look who it is � Free Willy. - Vincie, meet Mad Dog Murray.

I mean, technically, he's military law, but he got me off three DUIs.

And, oh, does he know his way around a waterbed.

- Lovely to meet you, Murray. - (SNORTS, SPITS)

SOFTLY: In here, you call me Mad Dog.

- Surely in here, I should call you Murray� - Shh, shut your mouth.

Now, I will die for you. I will even kill for you if required.

- OK, that won't� won't be required. But thank you for that sweet offer.

Thank you.

WHISPERS: Listen. I'm innocent.

All she wants is the money and the attention.

I did not pull my pants down in front of those nurses and sick kids, OK?

- (CHUCKLES) OK, mate. Look, don't you worry.

The amount of people that have said to me,

'(SOBS) But mad dog. I'm innocent.

'I didn't mean to get drunk and steal the tank for a joyride

'and fire a grenade launcher through that sweet old lady's washing line.'

But it's not me you need to convince.

It's old Smiles over there.

- Mr Walters, you're being sued for emotional damages against Miss Bethany Sanders?

- Bethanae. - Do you understand the charges brought against you today?

- Uh, yeah, I� I do, Your honour.

Quick question.

How long is this whole thing gonna take? - As long as it takes.

Have you somewhere more important to be?

- Uh, no.

- Your honour, my client claims significant emotional distress and trauma caused by Mr Walters,

which has had a severe impact on her and her son's lives.

- WHISPERS: Oh, damn it, she's really good. - WHISPERS: Isn't she?

(PHONE DINGS)

Excuse me, Your Judginess?

Can I go and pay for parking?

It's just I put, like, 10 bucks in, and you know how expensive it is nowadays.

I'll be, like, two seconds. - Wow!

Just another example of Vince Walters perverting the course of justice.

You want to know what Vince rhymes with? Prince � Andrew, who was also a pervert.

(DETECTOR BEEPS) - Pump the brakes, Usain Bolt!

Fleeing from a security officer is an offence.

- Is it? - Well, not really.

I just usually say that, and no one questions it.

- Sorry, I'm just in a bit of a rush going from this room� - Nah, nah, nah.

I've got to see what you're packing there, big fulla.

Come on. Hands, head up. Let's go! Let's go!

- (GRUNTS) - Ah, yeah. Yeah. You're in my playground now, cucumber,

Doesn't feel so good, does it? Mm? Yeah? Does it? say it!

Does it feel good?! - Doesn't feel good. - Say no!

Say, 'No, Mama.' - No, mama.

- Say, 'No, Mama!' and squeal!

Squeal! - (SQUEALS WEAKLY) - Yeah! (CACKLES)

Got you! (LAUGHS) - (CHUCKLES)

- Oh, man, that was funny. You should've seen your face. You were like, 'No, mama! No, mama!'

- (CHUCKLES) - Nah, you're all good, buddy. Get out of here! Ooh! Nice tush.

Hey, but you avoid me next time, and there's gonna be some big trouble!

- Unbelievable.

- So, phone �

all sorted. Won't hear a peep out of that.

Where are we at? - Uh, well, we are at the side of the table,

and you are on that side over there. - Yeah. Of course. Yeah. It's not�

not family dinner time, is it? - Hasn't been one of those in years.

- Uh, that's� that's not evidence, mate. Don't� Don't write that down.

- OK, Miss Walters, are you ready to state your case now? - Yes I am.

The defendant is a self-obsessed, egomaniac workaholic

who cares more about the public liking him than his own daughter. - Uh, can I defend myself,

given I'm the defendant in all this? - Not yet. We'll get to you.

Now is the time to listen to your daughter.

- When I was 9 months old, my�

the defendant picked up the wrong child from day-care.

- Oh, babies are bloody hard to tell apart at that age.

- The defendant has only attended two of my birthdays.

The first one was on the set of Morning Glory.

The second one was when he was homesick and gave gastro to everyone at the party, including me.

- It was the gift that kept giving � that one.

- The defendant broke promises by giving my Meat Gala ticket to someone else

and ditching my school camp for a B-grade reality TV show,

later showing up in a loincloth. - Objection.

It was actually meant to be fashioned more as a sarong, but it kind of came out quite loinclothy. So...

- If my mother has full custody of me, the defendant will be able to

do what he wants freely without feeling bad.

And I will not be constantly disappointed.

- Well, thank you for your statement, Miss Walters. You paint quite the picture.

Mr Walters, you sound like real father-of-the-year material (!)

- Yeah, um... (CLEARS THROAT) I might need a couple of moments.

- On what grounds now? - Ah, on the grounds that I need to go to the toilets and

uncontrollably sob over this divorce. - Tears make me awkward, so, please.

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

- Ah, here he is. We've gotta stop meeting like this, am I right?

No, seriously, I've got to check you, though, because, you know,

you've been in, so you could be ferrying something back and forth. - Well, I'm not, so�

- Yeah, well, I've gotta do my job. OK? Open up.

Open your mouth.

Wider.

Ah. Can't quite see.

Oh, actually, I know. I've got just the thing.

- Please introduce yourself to the court and give us an overview of your role.

- My name is Billy Barclay Jr... - Where have you been? It's getting spicy.

- I have just been getting mouth-molested by security, so. .. - Hm, you get all the fun.

- And in your capacity as Mr Walters' employer, did you ever witness any alarming behaviour?

- In hindsight, there was a pattern of behaviour which lent itself

to Mr Walters believing that he could get away with anything.

- And an example of this might be..? - Oh, the time where he sprayed an elderly volunteer in the face

with a fire extinguisher � live on air.

- (SPUTTERS) How was I to know she was screaming cos her gout was flaring up?

You knew this. - That's enough, Mr Walters.

- Then during Morning Glory Allergy Week, he sent a guest into anaphylactic shock

after he forced her to eat four peanut butter sandwiches on air.

- In Denmark, there's almost zero cases of peanut allergies, thanks to an early introduction to peanuts.

- Mr Walters, this is not an open forum.

- For years, we enabled this man to get away with blue murder.

- Objection! Let it be known my client has murdered no blue people.

Actually, I should've checked, but you haven't killed anyone, eh? - I haven't, no.

- See? - And as a result, he has suffered no repercussions.

And now he is learning that there are consequences to his actions.

- HEIDI: Right. No further questions, Your Honour.

- I have some further questions.

What kind of monster

wears shoes and no socks?!

- Uh, relevance? - The answer is � a wanker.

- Uh, I actually do have socks on, Your Honour. They're just hidden.

- (GAGS) Dear God, what are those? - Uh, these are called footlets, and they allow me and my ankles

to enjoy the latest European footwear trends.

- Any further relevant questions for the witness?

- Oh no. I think we've all seen quite enough.

- Sorry. Excuse me, Your Holiness.

I've just remembered I've left my daughter in the car. I'll just go wind down the window.

Won't be long.

- Mr Walters!

- Welcome to my world. Yeah.

(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

- (SIGHS HEAVILY)

Hoh! Whew!

Thanks for letting me, uh, compose myself here.

Good to squeeze a bit of cardio in as well.

Get the old heart rate over 160.

Now, I call my first witness to the stand.

Mrs Louise Walters.

Ex-Mrs Louise Walters.

Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but�? - That's my bit, Mr Walters.

And we've already established that. - Good, good.

Was just making sure everyone was still feeling truthful.

Lou, is it true that we were married for a number of years? - Yes and no.

- Uh, please explain. Was it a marriage of convenience?

- Oh yeah. Convenient for some. - Badgering the witness.

- She was badgering at first. - What I mean is,

after a brief relationship, we married because it was favourable for ratings.

- And would you say this marriage was a happy one?

- It was frustrating,

bitter,

often dismal.

- More badgering with adjectives. Badjectives right there.

- But at times it was...

sweet and joyous.

Delightful.

And the best thing to come out of the marriage was this little girl.

- I actually would have said that first, except she jumped in�

- It's actually tough with two working parents in the same industry, and I'm sorry�

we are sorry that we let you down.

I wanted to prove that women could balance motherhood with a successful career. And your dad? Well...

Your dad tried his best to.

- Thank you. - But his best as truly atrocious.

- More badgering. See that? - I know it's hard to see, darling, but he really does love you.

- Why are you defending him? - (SIGHS) Because in amongst this...

red,

sweaty,

yuck shambles of a man,

there's a dad who really loves his daughter.

- Then why do I always come second to everything in his life?

Why would I want to spend any more time with a man who never puts me first?

- I am putting you first, sweetie. (MUSICAL CHIME)

- OVER PA: Mr Vince Walters, report to Court Room 1 immediately. Mr Vince Walters.

- Weird. Must be another Vince Walters out there.

I should probably go and... investigate. - Dad!

(DOOR OPENS)

- (GRUNTS) Come to Mummy! - Oh!

- Yeah! That's what I thought.

Oh. Gidday, mate. Um, you can just go through security,

but give yourself a wave with that wand there for me, would ya?

- Are you� you OK there? - Oh yeah. This is a quiet day at the office for me.

Come on, my friend. (GRUNTS) - (GRUNTS)

- OK. Yeah. You move, you're gonna get it. (WAND WHIRRS)

Um, I don't know about you, but I'm in an open relationship,

so if you want to leave your phone number at the office, that'd be quite cool.

- I'm� I'm busy. Sorry. - OK.

Oh.

What about you? What are you doing on Sunday?

- And my Insta has just been blowing up support for Bray and I ever since Vince, the genital terrorist,

launched his attack on our eyeballs.

FAUX SOBS: Even just thinking about it now, I mean� Thank you. Thank you.

- I have more empathy for the war criminals I've defended.

- Oh, and he also bribed me with tickets to the Meat Gala. - Oh, hearsay!

- How exactly is that hearsay? - Well, I heard her say it.

Look, I'm a military man, Your Honour.

And in the military, privates are the lowest possible rank.

And we are dealing with the lowest of possible lows here today in this courtroom.

I'm talking about a different kind of 'privates'.

I'm talking about these privates! (GALLERY GASPS)

- Oh, Jeez. (LAUGHTER)

- These good-looking, well-maintained privates.

Take a long, hard look!

Examine! Let them etch their way into your memory.

- Please let it be known for the court that it's not mandatory.

- Now, Ms Saunders, are these the very same privates that you claim traumatised you and your son?

- I'm sorry. I don't see what this has to do with anything � re-traumatising me to this.

Heidi. - Um, I'm interested to see where this is going.

Legally speaking, of course. - Sorry, Miss Bethanae, if I could take a moment of your time,

can you please let us know where Mr Walters' hands are in this very picture?

- Um, well,

one is around that nurse's arm, and the other one is wrapped around�

I guess, trying to grab my arse. - Aha!

Ooh yeah.

I would like to call Vince and... Sexy Lexi over to me.

We shall attempt to recreate this photo.

Vince, thank you. You'll play Vince. And, Lexi, you'll play the nurse.

- Do you want me to check your vitals? - (BREATHES SHAKILY)

Hey, lawyer lady, do you mind, um, just lending us a hand, if that's all right?

Brothers and sisters in arms and that sort of thing. - Oh.

- Yeah. So you'll be Brayden. - No, no, no, she's not gonna help you. Roll her back.

- No, no, no, no. It's fine.

OK, so there you are. You're Brayden. - I am so sorry about this.

- It's not how I imagined this introduction would go. - You imagined this?

- (MOUTHS) - If you could just put your hand on my buttock there.

- Ahem. - Now...

go for it, Vincie.

- Uh, go for what?

- Well, without moving your hands, just take down your pants, OK?

Just drop your strides � without moving your hands. Come on. Just give it a wriggle.

Just shake 'em down. Just shake 'em down.

Shake 'em down. Shake 'em down. Shake your rump!

Shake it, shake it! - I'm shaking.

- Come on, thrust, man! - I'm shaking! - Thrust, man. Harder!

Come on! Pump the pelvis! Pump the pelvis! - I'm pumping the pelvis.

- Work it, you little bastard! - I'm working it! I'm working! - Come on, work it!

Pump the pelvis! Pump the pelvis! - I'm pumping! - Yeah, you're pumping,

but you can't do it, can ya?! - GROANS: Ah!

- Because you can't... pants yourself.

SOFTLY: Can ya, can Ms Saunders?

SHOUTS: You can't pants yourself!

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

I rest my case.

- Oi. I was made to look like a complete twat up there.

Disprove that now. - Uh, I think we all need a few minutes

to, uh, process what just went on there.

Recess. Back here in 10.

(GAVEL BANGS)

- Vince.

Vince!

- Balcony? - Ah.

God. You must be feeling relieved. - (SIGHS) Oh yeah.

That weird twerk session really loosened up the old system. - No, I'm talking about the case.

- Oh, yeah. Of course.

What are you doing here? - Well, we can't be seen talking, so I sort of followed you.

- No, I mean, like, I thought you quit.

- Oh, yeah, I tried, but Bethanae can be very persuasive.

Listen, I shouldn't be saying this, but you can actually win this.

Just no more popping in and out of court.

OK?

I thought your lawyer was a maniac. - Yeah. Me too. I'm pretty sure he's killed a man.

- That insane re-enactment was the nail in Bethanae's coffin?

Listen, this is off the record, but you need to take down

that conniving, slimy, two-faced client of mine.

- You want me to beat Bethanae? - Oh, I'll give anything to see it.

- Anything?

Like...

going out to dinner with me?

- Are you asking me out on the toilet? - Yeah, yeah, I am.

Because, you know, if we weren't entangled in a bitter lawsuit, we could be... entangling,

like, verbally,

not sexually,

over dinner sometime.

Shit!

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Please have a think about entangling. OK?

(DOOR CLOSES)

- (SIGHS) OK.

(SLY BASS MUSIC)

(DOOR CREAKS)

- He's not coming back, is he? - Something must have come up.

- What? Like his other court case? His work court case? - I can grant your mum full custody.

- No!

Whew!

No one's granting full custody to anyone. Not today.

Because I'd like to call... Evie Walters to the stand.

- Why bother? Don't you have your more important case to get to � the one you actually care about?

- It was a terrible scheduling clash, darling. - Yeah, like the Meat Gala?

- Well, technically,

I think Mr Walters is meant to be asking the questions. - Uh, sorry, Your Honour.

Withdrawn.

- Your honour!

Permission to approach the big important bench- desk thingy-ma-bob? - Sorry. What is happening?

- So� Uh, sorry, judge. - I'm really sorry to do this.

I didn't want to have to, but I have some incriminating evidence against my lawyer.

- Damn. - Oh, I love a good plot twist.

- I now wish to sack her and sue both of them. May I present to you...

exhibit A?

It's on my phone. Do you have a Chromecast?

- Darling, I'm sorry about what happened to the Meat Gala.

I'm sorry I didn't come to camp.

And I'm sorry I forgot to put brakes on your BMX.

- That was you? - Yeah. It wasn't a manufacturing error.

I lied to your face when you were in A&E

screaming in pain because that bone was poking out of your leg. - Oh God. Don't remind me.

- Truth is...

I'm a shocking dad.

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

- You're not a shocking dad.

You're just really shocking at being there for me.

You didn't even show up when I took you to court.

I just want to be a normal kid.

And I want you to be a dad and raise me like a normal kid.

- Yeah, but you're not a normal kid.

Normal kids suck.

They're smelly and needy and dumb. They're really dumb.

You're none of those things.

- You gave me no choice but to grow up quick. - Yeah, well, you give me no choice.

If you wanna divorce your dad, go ahead. Divorce your dad.

It sounds really weird when I say it out loud. - Yeah, yeah it does.

What about your other case? - What other case?

It's not every day your daughter divorces you.

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

- Well, Miss Walters,

how shall we proceed?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

- BETHANAE: Cancer Mum Studios presents a betrayal tale.

- VINCE: I know why you did it. - HEIDI: Did what?

- Got rid of your she-devil of a client.

- Starring Bethanae Saunders as the naturally beautiful, innocent victim,

Vince Walters...

(SCREAMS)

...as the washed-up pervert flasher...

- Oh.

- ...and Heidi Carter as the two-faced, backstabbing bitch lawyer.

- This is off the record, but you need to take down that conniving, slimy...

- Hot as.

- ...client of mine. - We could be entangling...

sexually. Sexually. Sexually. Sexually. Sexually. Sexually.

- Legal and Lawless.

Oh, I'm sorry about the ropey edits at the end there, but, you know, some of it was only just filmed.

- Turn that blasted thing off.

Miss Carter, get your client in order.

Where is Mr Walters?

- # I know the way you play.

(SOMBRE ROCK MUSIC)

# How you talk to me.

# But sometimes I lost my way

# cause I was blind to see. #

- Evie, I� - Shh, shh!

I do solemnly swear...

- I do solemnly swear...

- ...that I'll show up... - ...that I'll show up...

- ...and be� - ... and be a dad.

Like a proper dad.

One that doesn't take you for granted.

Darling, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

And I promise to put you first.

Always.

And I'll never go back to that piece of shit industry.

From now on, it's the simple life for me.

- Divorce hereby...

annulled!

- (LAUGHS)

- Vince! Vince.

Vincie!

Oh.

Hello, Evie.

Vince. Breaking news. - I don't care what it is. I don't care.

- It's OK, Dad. You talk.

It's been a great day.

I won my first court case; you had a wake- up call, and we both just trashed a legal document.

- Yeah. Not quite sure what the long-term repercussions of that will be, but we'll deal with that later.

- I love you, and I'll call you later. - Love you too, darling.

Love you. - Eyes on me. OK, look.

The case was declared a mistrial, but that Insta psycho �

she is gunning for your arse, and she's not going to stop.

- Listen. Bethanae can come for me. I don't care. I've promised Eves I'm staying with her.

I just swore to her. - Oh, Vince, this has got nothing to do with you swearing at your kids.

That's just good, honest parenting. (PHONE CHIMES)

It's your Celebrity Break-Up Beach clip. It's leaked.

- I can't deal with this now. We'll sort it out tomorrow. - No, no, no. Vince, Vince.

It's. It's not what you think.

They love you!

They all love you.

(GASPS, SQUEALS)

We are back, baby.

- # Oh.

(LIGHT ACOUSTIC MUSIC)

# Spun it round like a weather vane

# in the eye of a hurricane.

# Yeah, the storm's out of control.

# I see a light within your soul.

# A little lost for a symphony.

# Out of the dark, now I can see

# a clearway, an open road

# to the place that I call home. #

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