Original subtitles

- Hi. I'm Bobby Moynihan from one episode of "Portlandia."

(upbeat instrumental music)

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

(Bobby laughs)

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

- I feel very calm.

- [Vic] Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

(mid-tempo instrumental music)

- Do you have an idea of what you are?

- I think I might be frozen or cold in some way.

- Open. (mid-tempo music continues)

- Oh, (laughs) hello!

- You are the only person that's ever guessed.

- Really? I feel smart. (laughs)

Oh, my goodness. It's amazing.

I like these a great deal.

Can I go closer?

This is normally what my beard looks like.

(laughs) I have never been more confused

about comedy than I am in this moment.

(laughs) I don't know why,

but I automatically wanna talk Southern for some reason.

Yeah, what would you do if this was,

if you woke up and just saw this?

Hey. Good morning. (laughs)

All right, let's go find out who this gentleman is.

(upbeat instrumental music)

(upbeat music continues)

- Because we have to break this before PBS does

'cause they're on our ass, okay?

So we can go ahead and we we're gonna go ahead and hurry up.

So. Okay.

Okay. Ha. - Ah.

We all have a story to tell

and sometimes those stories need

to be shared with the world.

(Bobby moans) Good evening,

I'm Vic Michaelis, back with another edition of

"Very Important People."

(Bobby moans)

Please introduce yourself.

(Bobby moans)

- Why? - You're here

for an exclusive interview on "Very Important People."

I'm Vic Michaelis, and we're so happy

to have you in studio today. - Who?

- Vic Michaelis, and I'm very happy

to have you in studio today.

- What's a studio?

- You're a frozen man. Did you know that?

- Oh, yeah.

(dramatic instrumental music)

I just found out. (whimpers)

- You just found out you were frozen?

And you just found out here on our show that you're frozen?

(dramatic instrumental music)

- What is that? What?

- What is that?

- Did I stutter? What is that?

- That's a camera. Do you not know what a camera is?

- Why's it so weird?

- [Vic] Why is it so weird?

- Why is everything so fucking weird?

- Well, that's your truth

and I'm happy to let you live there.

You are in Los Angeles, California.

- Really?

- Yep. You're in Los Angeles. - Ooh!

- Hollywood did something to you.

- Hollywood?

- Sort of East Hollywood.

- There's just so much happening right now.

- Sir, can I ask, what is the last thing that you remember?

- Ice.

- Okay, so I'm gonna tell you

what I know about this situation.

25 minutes ago, a hunk of ice came outta the back

of a freezer truck and there was a man stuck inside of it,

and that man was.

- Steven Spielberg.

- No, that wasn't Steven Spielberg. It was you, sir.

(Bobby gasps)

Can I ask, what year do you think it is?

- 1986.

- 1986?

- Yeah. - Okay, well,

and brace yourself, it is 2024.

- That's stupid.

That's a movie. Listen-

- What movie? - That's the future.

That's space stuff.

- No, it's not space stuff.

You've been frozen in the ice. - This idiot.

Look at this idiot. - Nope, I'm not an idiot.

I went to- - It is 3009 today.

- Nope, I went to UC Irvine.

I'm not an idiot. - Okay, Prince.

- Okay, what?

- I'm gonna go party like it's 1999.

That ain't never gonna happen. We ain't gonna get there.

- Okay, sir, sir,

you were frozen in the ice.

What is the last thing- - Please don't call me, sir.

Please call me by my birth-given name.

- Okay, well, and this is actually an exclusive, here.

We are finding out what frozen man's name is.

(dramatic instrumental music)

Frozen man. What is your name?

- Dan Wesley Sharron.

(dramatic instrumental music) (text whizzes)

- Dan, what is the last thing you remember before ice?

- I woke up in the morning.

- Where?

- At my home.

- Where is your home? - What are you accusing me of?

- I'm not accusing you of, I'm a reporter,

so I'm asking you

the hard questions. - You're a reporter?

- It was... See?

- Where's your microphone?

- It's small, so it's sorta,

it's in here. - Miss.

Please. - No, it's not.

- I'm- - It's sort of...

- I'll check to see if I was married.

I don't have a ring,

but I have a very clear distinction mark-

- Okay. - Of one.

- So, it sort of looks like you had a ring

at one point. - It looks like,

yeah, it looks like,

did you take my ring?

- I didn't take your ring. We didn't take anything.

- Were we married?

- We were not. - Did you love me?

- No. (laughs)

I think you're very charming,

but I'm actually, I'm married.

- This is getting

a little steamy. - No, I'm married.

I'm married, actually. (Dan laughs)

- To me? - No, not to you.

- That's my wife. - I'm not.

Okay, no. (laughs) No, I got a husband.

- I feel a little bit cooler now.

- Okay, well that's 'cause you're sitting on ice.

We were told that if you heat up too fast,

you're gonna have a heart attack

and die. - It's true. (sneezes)

- Dan. Okay. Wow. - Excuse me.

- (giggles) Sneezed out snow. Look at that.

We're still thawing out. - That was a trick.

I just doing... I'm in Hollywood.

- Okay. - I'm trying to get myself

a sitcom or something.

- You know what? I love that.

- I'm realizing that like I feel different,

but at the same time, I don't know what I was or who I was.

Oh, I hope I wasn't racist.

- Well, Dan- - Do I sound,

I sound a little racist.

- I think you just have

a southern accent. - I sound-

- I think maybe that's a blanket

to put over the sound. - That's the accent

you think it is?

- What do you- - Cool.

(Vic laughs)

(Dan laughs)

(gentle instrumental music)

I was frozen.

- Yes. - And then two gentlemen

dragged me into a studio.

Why has no one given me medical attention?

- Well, so I can actually answer that question.

When the news broke, you were sort of up the street

in that frozen truck.

- Uh-huh. - You've been frozen

for a long time.

We heard that you were right up the street,

an ambulance was on its way, and we said, "Get him."

- Whoa.

- We- - You admitted to that-

- Well, no. - On these huge cameras-

- Well, no, it's- - Did you hear that?

- And we told the ambulance to come here.

- Call the police.

- They're not gonna come. They're far.

You don't need

to call the police. - There are so many people

in this room and no one wants to help

the frozen man. - Hey.

- Is this for me?

- And you can take some of that.

- Iced coffee? Rude. - Okay, so,

we actually did something very special for you.

(Bobby slurps) Something that we think

is gonna help you figure. (Bobby slurps)

(Bobby gulps)

- I have it drank anything in 300, well-

I wasn't good at math. That's why I deliver fajita meat.

- Okay! Hey, that's a little piece of information.

You used to deliver fajita meat,

and that's interesting

because you were found- - I'll never forget that.

- In the back of a fajita truck.

- That was probably my truck!

- Okay, so there we go!

(hands clap) Little piece of exclusive information here.

(dramatic instrumental music)

Frozen man delivered fajitas.

- Oh.

- We collected a few items that you had with you,

so if we can get a PA to fly in those items?

Thank you so much.

- Oh, this is that mother fucker

that dragged me in here. - No, it's a-

- I'm afraid of you.

- These are the items that we found with you.

So we were hoping maybe,

so they're sorta still frozen, pretty solid.

Maybe this can help sort of figure out

who you are. (ice crashes)

How about that?

- [Dan] Can I have the blanket?

- Oh, okay.

Let's just, so (giggles) (hands clap) there you are.

Maybe somebody shoulda offered him a blanket. (giggles)

So, we have a couple of your items here,

so maybe this will sort of help you figure out who you were.

So, maybe some of these smaller ones. Okay.

- Oh, there's something in there.

- Something in there.

So, okay, so I see.

(chisel taps) Okay, so we can sorta

cut through there.

Maybe I'll start on this bigger one, right?

Okay. (chisel thuds)

Oh! That's fun. So you were a fajita truck driver?

- Yeah, I deliver fajitas for Chili's,

the fast food restaurant.

- Okay. More information, exclusive, here on the show today.

(dramatic instrumental music)

You're a fajita truck driver for Chili's.

They have a truck just for the fajitas.

- For the fajita meat.

The fajita shells themselves go in a separate truck.

- In a separate truck?

Is that true? - Warm truck.

I wish I got that truck. - And don't you worry

about this, I got this.

- Well, I do kinda wanna use this thing.

- Okay. All right. - Do you wanna move back

eight or 13 feet? (Vic giggles)

- Maybe I'll sorta, I'll pop back here.

- Wee! I'm back, baby! (pick ax smacks)

- Okay, look at that. - Hey-

- That came all

the way across. - There's a clue!

- Okay. A clue.

A clue, so we're sort of piecing together

the landscape of who you are.

Sort of our own- - Turns out I was a writer.

- Do you think

you were a writer? - Maybe I wrote

the "Great American Novel."

- Well, it sounds like pretty specifically

you remember that you were a fajita truck driver

for Chili's. - Oh, yeah,

but I was... (sighs)

- Hey, you know what's the beauty of a clean slate?

You get to pick who you wanna be.

- It just seems like you're tryna keep me at Chili's.

- I'm not trying to keep you at Chili's.

- I survived. - You have sort of

doled out this information to us.

- Why do you seem like you wanna help

but then no one here helps?

No one has offered me a hot toddy.

- Do you want a hot toddy?

- Yes. - Can we get Ice Man

a hot toddy, please?

- Ice Man. - Thank you.

I like that little nickname.

- Okay, here was sort of my thought is then,

you know, when the news said it, it said,

"Exclusive.

'Very Important People' with Vic Michaelis has an exclusive

with Ice Man," was sort of what I was picturing the...

- I was on the news?

- Well, this is the news. So, we're doing that.

We're doing that right now.

- Who the fuck are you?

- Oh, so that is-

- Why is he wearing that mask? Did something happen?

- Um. - Is that a funny topic?

- So, (laughs) you know, it's just for-

- I had to wear one of them when I went on tour

of the World Trade Center once.

How's that doing?

- The World Trade Center? - Yeah. How's Bill Cosby?

(gentle instrumental music)

- So we got a couple more pieces of items here. It's...

Okay. Here we go.

- Oh. (Dan gasps)

- Oh, okay. Just a quarter, it looks like.

- I remember this quarter.

Don Mattingly gave it to me.

- A name. An actual name.

Don Mattingly gave this to you. Who is Don Mattingly?

- He's the hottest baseball player around right now.

He gave me this quarter.

- When did he give you this quarter?

- I was walking down the street-

- Sure. - In front of Yankee Stadium,

and I said, "I need to make a phone call,"

and fucking Don Mattingly was there

and he flipped it to me like this, boink.

- New York.

From Yankee Stadium, you were walking down the street,

so you're from New York. - New York City.

- Okay, look at that!

Exclusive here, on "Very Important People"

with Vic Michaelis.

(dramatic instrumental music)

Iceman is from New York.

- So that's all I am to you, is a headline?

We were married.

- We weren't married. - We were married.

- I'm married to somebody else.

- Who?

- His name is actually David.

(ice crunches) - David?

- Don't say it like that. (Dan imitates David)

David's fine. Okay.

We're getting somewhere here,

so maybe we try a different one of these.

- [Dan] This is fun.

- Okay. Oh, look at that.

How do- - Ooh!

- What do we think? How does that feel?

- I hope I wasn't a nerd.

- You look at that- - Was I a nerd playing-

- Why did that dice make

you think you were- - Dungeon and Dragons,

or was I a gambler?

- You wouldn't be able to use that.

- In Dungeons and Dragons?

- Well, typically you use like a D20. There is a D6.

- Nerd. - Sometimes.

No, I'm not a nerd.

- Nerd. - Actually this network

does a little, a little program with that

and they made me watch it legally at an HR meeting one time.

- I just wanna say on the record, I would love to go

to a hospital because, um...

my penis don't work,

my eyes don't work. - How do you know

that your penis doesn't work?

- The first thing I checked.

- Well, how does it not work? - I went, (gasps) "My penis!

Oh that's okay. What happened?"

- Because it just like, is it frozen?

Is it cold? - I'll be honest,

it never worked but- - Okay (giggles).

- But it's still a problem,

that's why I wanna get it fixed.

This is a preexisting-

- Condition. - A major fuckin' problem.

- Okay, so you remember your penis doesn't work.

- Yeah. - So, we have a segment

for you on this program, seeing as you missed

20, 30, five-

- '86 to '96 is 10 years. - Six to 96 is 10 years.

- [Both] 96 to 2006 is 20 years.

2006 to 2016 is 30 years.

2016 to 2024 is-

- That's hard, because I want it to go to the six,

so I'll go to the six- - Six.

- And then you gotta subtract the two. 38?

- 38 years. - I don't know if I'm right.

- 38 years. (Dan sighs)

Just incredible.

So, in this 38 years that you have been locked away,

a lot has happened with this world

as you may have already begun to notice,

so we have decided to fill you in

on the things that you missed.

(gentle instrumental music)

So, thank you.

- I hate that dude.

I hate when he comes in. It's scary.

- Well, that is something that we have in common.

(Vic giggles) - Oh snap.

- 1989. We're gonna- - Not familiar.

- Of course, because you were frozen.

So, a cold war is raging.

- Is this is a joke?

- What do you mean?

- 'Cause I'm frozen. - Cold. Okay.

No, that was, so this is sort of political,

unless you were frozen for political reasons.

- No, I was frozen for fajita reasons.

- (giggles) Right. Okay.

So, 1989, the Berlin Wall fell,

then 1991, the Soviet Union dissolved.

- Fuck those Commies.

- Okay. - I'm starting to think

I might've been a little racist before I was frozen,

'cause I feel it coming up.

- Racism? - But I, yeah.

- I see.

We'll sort of hold onto that, because again,

now this is an exclusive interview,

(dramatic instrumental music)

and it's very exciting,

and we sort of need this to air.

Okay, in December of 2008,

an Iraqi journalist threw his shoes

at President George W. Bush at a press conference.

- (laughs) That's the fuckin' weirdest thing ever.

Nothing weirder will ever happen in politics than that!

- So, that was sort of the tip of the iceberg.

- I can feel my heart touching the back

of my eyes right now.

- Okay, so we're gonna have to sorta speed this up

and then we're gonna get you to a hospital.

I can almost hear the-

- I can't wait- - Hear the ambulance.

- To go to the hospital.

- And you're going too soon.

As soon as this interview is done.

In 2019, Greta Thunberg sparks a global movement

with her sail to the UN Climate Conference.

So instead of flying, she sailed

to the UN Climate Conference.

- Good for her. - Okay.

In October, 2020, an eight-year-old boy in Arizona

holds a food drive during the pandemic.

- Aw. What's a pandemic?

(cue card rustles)

- Just this week Amazon reported record-breaking sales

on their annual Prime Day.

- What the fuck does that mean?

- So, you know Amazon?

- The jungle?

- No, (giggles) so they sort of like burned that

and then we got boxes that show up to your door

for two-day free delivery if you pay a service fee.

- That sounds convenient,

and I'm fine with it. - Okay, so that's actually

how we got some of these things.

(finger taps) Like these things-

- Yeah? - Out here so quickly,

'cause we sorta knew you were coming on.

Um- - How did you know

I was coming on if I

was a frozen boy? - No, I didn't say that.

I just sort of meant like,

we sort of as we were going-

(Dan drowns out Vic) - Are you getting all

these fancy things? - No (laughs).

- How do you have all my stuff?

- It's okay. - How do you have

my Don Mattingly quarter?

- And that's sort of the biggest news that you missed.

I think we covered most- - Those are the big things

that happened since I'm gone?

- We got some rapid fire questions for you.

Something I ask all my guests.

(gentle instrumental music)

(wrapper rustles)

- Werther's Originals. Nerd.

- Why does a Werther's Original

make me a nerd? - You either a nerd

or a stereotypical old lady.

- No, actually, it's funny, my nana-

- Oh. - Left me this-

- Well, now I feel like a- - In her will.

- Dick. - So, that's pretty-

- I bet your nana's a nice woman.

- She was. - Was?

- Kinda mean.

Before we get in, d'you want a snack or anything?

You haven't eaten in a while?

- I would love to. I haven't eaten food in 38 years.

- Okay. So maybe let's fly that-

- If anybody has food, hot food.

- Fly in a snack.

- Maybe, or a meal. Maybe not just a snack.

- From my understanding- - You seem like

you have money.

- The money we spent meant to make it look like

we had money.

Let's grab the PA, fly in your snack.

- He's... (clothing shuffles)

- So... (plate clangs)

- He didn't even look at me.

He didn't even find me a tiny bit menacing.

- Okay. - Maybe it was

'cause I was holding my own pants up.

- Well, we're pondering that,

why don't you have your snack?

(plate clangs)

So, that's for you.

Onto my rapid fire questions.

- 38 years. - Hmm.

- I was frozen- - Yep.

- And you brought me on television-

- Mm-hmm.

- And you gave me lettuce, two wings,

a potato, and an everything bagel.

What are the chances that you are not my wife?

My wife gave this to me on our wedding day.

This same meal.

Are you trying to tell me

that two different times in the world

someone was handed a plate-

- Maybe you just look- - With two perfect pieces

of lettuce, an everything bagel, two wings,

and one potato? - Maybe you just look

like a guy that would like two pieces of lettuce,

a potato, two wings- - Maybe I'm just looking like

a guy who wants love. - And an everything bagel.

Drop it. - Vic.

- Drop it. We're gonna drop it.

Now my stomach's growling looking at that.

- Okay. Are you ready? - My heart is growling.

I can feel it on the back of my eyes.

- I think that's the problem, and I think we probably should

speed up this interview. - I really

need to go to a hospital. - That's sort of one

of the signs that you need to go to a hospital,

so we're gonna go ahead and speed this up.

Dan. Dan, Dan the Ice Man.

- Don't. - So, we can maybe print that

on shirts, merch opportunity for us.

That's gonna be in the store soon.

- How much percentage are you taking?

- We sort of have worked out that-

- Cold-hearted snake. I see what this is.

- All right. Are you ready? - Yep.

- Okay. So here's my question.

Would you rather a beach vacation

or a ski trip?

Lemme guess. Ski trip. (giggles)

- Fuck you.

- No, I was just saying, 'cause of the ice.

- I was frozen for 37 years, you made a ice joke?

- It was 38 years and I'm sorry,

so maybe I'll ask again,

and maybe we'll take this one again, so...

- Touche. - Beach vacation or ski trip?

- Ski trip. (cue card rustles)

- (snickers) Well, okay, so, maybe we move on from that one.

What do you look for in a partner?

- Kindness. - Okay.

- Big old butt.

- Big butt? All right. - Yeah, I like big butts.

I can't lie about it.

I want to. - Like the song.

- What song? - You know what?

We're gonna move on. - Okay.

- This is a question I ask each and every one of my guests.

- Okay. - What is the meaning of life?

- The answer-

- Okay. - Is love.

- Is love. (hands tap) Succinct. Beautiful.

- The connection between two people

that can be taken with you forever.

That's what life is about.

(sneezes) Excuse me.

- Let's cut to commercial. Let's cut to commercial quickly.

(text chings)

Okay, so, I'm gonna tell you something.

You gotta just listen. Okay?

You gotta promise- - Me?

- Yep. You gotta promise you're not gonna be mad.

- Okay. - That you're not

gonna be mad and you're not gonna be upset.

- I'm gonna, now when you,

okay. - But like (hands tap).

Crisscross it and just like so.

- I don't even know what that is.

- So, three years ago, I was walking down the street,

I saw a truck, a fajita truck that was in a bank

and it looked like it had been overgrown

and there was trees on it. - I have a fajita truck.

- Yeah, and so I opened it

and there was a man that was frozen inside of it.

- That's the same thing that happen to me.

- Oh, 'cause, okay, so it was you.

You were frozen inside and I got my hair dryer

from home and I started freezing you out,

and my goal was to rescue you,

and you got your face out and you were so grateful.

You were like, I was like, "What do you need?

What do you need?" And you said, "I need a drink."

And I sort of gathered that- - I remember that.

- Because you said, I was gonna take you

to the bar next door and you go, "Let's go to Vegas,"

and I said, "Okay. Okay.

You've been frozen for, at this point, what?

30 ababa years?" And so I was like, "Let's-

- And a half. - Get you to Vegas,"

and so we drive to Vegas and we had the best time.

We were having fun, and I was telling you about my dream

of being an on-air journalist

and you're like, "Oh my God, you can do that," and then-

- You can do that-

- Anyway- - You can do anything

you want with those eyes.

Look at you. - So, basically what happened

is we got married.

We did get married in Vegas.

- I knew it!

- And so, sort of we're like out

after the wedding- - That's my wife!

- Shh. We just, we're gonna, we're so quiet.

- I wanted to wear

a new ring! - Okay.

- We're gonna be so quiet,

and so then basically what happened is you said,

"Oh my gosh, you wanna be a journalist.

That's really exciting.

Too bad that this didn't happen

when you had your own show."- - Because it would've been

a good story. - Really good story, and so-

- There's a frozen man being frozen.

You son of a bitch. - Nope, it's not like,

I'm not a son of a bitch.

- You dirty dog.

- Because anybody would've done it, right?

Anybody would've done it

if they had the opportunity- - You-

- And we're,

cut off these cameras, please. - Little rat-

- I'm not a rat- - Scoundrel!

- I'm not a rat.

- Ooh, I'm mad!

- [Vic] No, you're not.

- Look at how mad I am!

- No, you're not!

Okay, you know what? (Dan grunts)

We're gonna freeze him again.

We're gonna go ahead and we're gonna freeze him again,

so we're gonna try this again maybe in two years.

So, if we can get a PA on here, please.

- How dare you do this to me? I loved you with all my farts!

- We're gonna try- - D'you remember that joke?

- We're gonna try that again

in two years. - It was a good one!

- It was fine. - Please be gentle.

- It was fine then and it's

fine now, so... - Please be gentle with me.

- We'll try this again in two years.

- I was frozen recently.

- I'm Vic Michaelis reminding you to be true to yourself-

- I love you. - Unless you'd rather be

somebody else.

Good night.

- I'll see you at home, honey.

(mid-tempo instrumental music)

- Well, we tried. Can't say we didn't try.

So, that's (slurps) (mid-tempo music continues)

ah, so close. (mid-tempo music continues)

- [Marriage Officiant] I now present you the Michaelises!

- Oh! We did it! (Vic screams)

- We did it! (Dan laughs)

Don't you ever go back to that ice again!

- I'll never be frozen again. - Yes!

- We married as a mother fucker

Up in this bitch! (Vic screams)

(Dan laughs) (mid-tempo music continues)

Look at it! (mid-tempo music continues)

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