Original subtitles

-♪ I been thinking 'bout my trailer ♪

♪ And the way it used to sway ♪

♪ When the mattress springs were squealin' high ♪

♪ And the roaches ran away ♪

♪ But now you're gone to Memphis... ♪

-Well, yeah.

I have been told that you can add three years

to your life-span by spending four years on a Peloton.

-♪ ...roaches... ♪

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪♪

-Okay, Darcy.

We're in the middle of the summer.

Everybody's flocking to the beaches.

You know what it's time for.

-Sunscreen?

-No! "Jaws" rip-off night. -Hell yeah.

-All right. Oversized mutant creatures terrifying

the populace while the authorities try to cover it up

and the experts tell us it's only going to get worse

with a lot of closeup body chomping

and one dedicated law enforcement type

who considers the creature his personal enemy.

Does that about sum it up? -I think so.

-That's the plots of all of them.

All depends on the animal, though, right?

-What do you mean?

-Well, this particular subgenre,

which I'm calling "Jaws rip-off,"

requires an animal that's familiar, aggressive,

and when it gets just a little larger than normal,

a menace to mankind.

"Moby Dick" becomes "Jaws"

becomes "Alligator," tonight's first feature.

Oh, and another trope in this is the vicious creature

has to threaten middle America, suburban America.

It has to be killing innocent members

of the Methodist Church and the Elks Club.

And children's dentists are dying.

You know, paper boys are being eviscerated.

The family dog is in danger.

Stupid White people are trembling in fear

all over the country. Right, Darcy?

-I kind of get what you mean. -Okay.

These movies are always a little out of date, though,

when it comes to portrayals of middle America.

You know, those middle-class subdivisions

never look quite right

because the art direction on on these films

is stuck in the '50s.

-What do you mean?

-Well, you know, any time I go to a new town,

I like to drive around and look at the neighborhoods,

see how people live.

And people stopped having front lawns and porches 40 years ago.

I mean, you really can't drive around

and look at neighborhoods anymore, actually,

because there are these high, thick walls around the houses

and there's walls around the subdivisions

and there are walls around the houses inside the subdivisions

and their walls around the backyards and walls

around the front yards and walls

between the house and the highway

and the house and the boulevard and the house and the mall.

And some people, to save money on a wall,

they just build their house right up to the property line

so they don't even have a front yard.

They probably have some kind of walled courtyard

inside the house where they can have barbecues and stuff.

But all those trendy suburban subdivisions,

they're fortresses.

-Yeah, that is kind of true in my neighborhood, actually.

-I wonder whether they're hiding from the people

outside the neighborhood,

you know, like they're in a bad part of town,

or whether all the people inside the neighborhood

are hiding from one another.

'Cause the richer the neighborhood,

the higher the walls. And, yeah, you live in LA.

You know this, 'cause if you drive through, like, Bel-Air,

you can't see a single house

because the walls are up to 12 feet high.

They line both sides of all the streets.

Not that you'd be able to stop.

The cops would run you out of there

quicker than the pope in a Baptist church.

So those houses are not to be seen, you know.

You know, eyes forward, young man.

You know, in Malibu, you can't even drive into the city

because the walls start at the highway.

The roads themselves are private in Malibu.

And it's not just paranoid Californians.

You can see this in subdivisions in places like Dallas

and Tampa and Des Moines, you know,

places where the houses cost like less than $100,000.

But part of that money goes to a privacy fence

or a security wall.

You know, I don't know what people are thinking,

but if they're doing it for safety, big mistake.

Burglar shows up.

All he's got to do is get over that wall

and then he can't be seen from the street.

Makes your house more attractive to a criminal.

Second story, man.

If people are doing it for privacy,

okay, I guess I understand that, but wouldn't it be better

when you could sit out on your front porch

and look all the way down to the end of the street

and see grass and trees and pink flamingos

and lawn sprinklers and all that stuff?

I mean, how does putting a dang wall up help your life?

It just cuts you off from everything you could look at

that's halfway attractive.

Makes you a stranger to your neighbors.

Makes you feel like you've crawled

into some dark hole somewhere.

So -- But I know this is what people want.

And if this is what people want,

that's what Realtors will provide.

-This is one of your stranger rants.

-Yeah, it is. -And I'm really anxious to see

how this relates to man-eating alligators.

-Well, there was one other time in history

when people lived like this.

It was the Middle Ages from about 400 AD to 1500 AD.

And people were so afraid of outside forces

that they built castles, right?

And then they built moats around the castles.

And then they spent huge amounts of money on armies.

And some modern subdivisions do have moats,

actually, I've seen them, you know.

So we're building the walled castles

and we're building the moats and we're hiring the armies

in the form of these private security guards

and alarm systems that we have.

But if you go to one of those European castles today,

you'll notice it's only tourists who go inside those walls today.

The Europeans don't live that way anymore.

They live out in the countryside where they can see one another.

You know why? They figured out it doesn't work.

It makes you mean and it makes you lonely

and it makes you paranoid. -I'm waiting.

-Okay. Well, when I was a boy, when you went to the carnival,

you often came home with a baby animal.

-Like a puppy?

-No, like a turtle or a salamander.

Or one of those chicks that was colored purple.

-Oh, I've seen those at Easter.

-Or an alligator. You grew up in South Carolina.

They must have had those in South Carolina.

-My parents would never allow that.

-Because what would happen after you got home with it?

-It would get bigger.

-Or before it got bigger,

Mom would secretly flush it down the toilet and lie to you

and say it escaped to live a happy life in the woods.

Right? -That happened?

-That's how we end up with all the urban legends,

which maybe are not just urban legends, about alligators

in the sewers and the subways of New York City, for example.

-You would know about that.

-And it sounds really plausible

because, when you go down into the subway,

especially late at night,

you always do see creatures down there.

I mean, usually it's just rats, but it can be possums,

there's squirrels, there's cats,

and they're always feral and ratty looking.

And you wonder what they've been feeding off down there.

-Didn't you already do this story when we did "CHUD"?

-No, not really, because the Cannibalistic Humanoid

Underground Dwellers turned out to be,

you know, just homeless people

who were exposed to toxic waste disposal.

Whereas I'm talking about pets

that are purchased by tourists...

Actually, yeah. It's the same plot as "CHUD."

Damn. Okay. [Chuckles]

-I thought you said it's the same plot as "Jaws."

-Well, it's mostly "Jaws," but it's got some "CHUD" in it.

Not to mention a touch of "Soylent Green" in this plot.

Anyway, I just wanted to warn people at the outset.

If you go to a gator farm on vacation this summer,

do not buy a baby gator for little Wilbur to take home.

And if you do buy a gator for little Wilbur to take home,

do not flush it down the toilet.

Take it to Gator Rescue or whatever.

-Aw. Gator Rescue?

-I'm sure they have gator rescues somewhere.

Because we don't want any CHUD gators

lurking around the subway system.

-No, we do not.

-And if we do find some CHUD gators,

we want to humanely extract them and sell them to a sideshow.

-[Scoffs] You're awful.

-I don't know what you would do with a CHUD gator,

since it would truly be a ticking time bomb certain

to eat an elementary school student at some point.

-They do have animal rescue places where you can take them.

-You can? -Mm-hmm.

-Until it eats all the interns. I mean...

-Maybe we should just watch "Alligator."

-Of course. All right.

"Alligator" is the sensitive story of a cop

who keeps having to go down into the sewers of a midwestern city

and retrieve random arms, legs, and other body parts

that have been chewed off by a giant mutant alligator

that only he has actually witnessed,

causing friction with his chief,

the herpetologist he has the hots for,

and the other badges in the locker room,

not to mention the goofball mayor

who turns out to be the errand boy

for a millionaire industrialist who's doing hormone research

using puppies as laboratory animals.

Puppies, Darcy! The man is stealing puppies

for his diabolical experimentation.

Resulting in romance, the devouring

of several character actors, and a SWAT team speedboat chase

with automatic weapons fire.

Sure, we've seen it before, but have we seen it with

a "where does the monster poop" scene?

I think not.

Let's look at those drive-in totals and get started.

We have...

[Laughs]

Drive-In Academy Award

nominations for James Ingersoll

as the creepy researcher who says, "We cut the larynx

when they first come in."

Dean Jagger as Mr. Big,

Michael V. Gazzo as the bombastic police chief,

Henry Silva as the big game hunter

who demonstrates the gator love call and says,

"Oh, yes, the lizard lady.

Now you can go back to your books."

Robert Forster as the cop trying to redeem himself

for saying, "I feel wonderful,

I'm going to find that alligator and kick his ass."

And John Sayles, the screenwriter,

for lines like, "At least in Florida,

they keep them in the swamps where they belong."

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

You know, the movie starts off

with an alligator wrestling sequence.

Which...

It reminds me of when my parents would take us to

Hot Springs, Arkansas, when I was really young.

And we would all -- we would always want to go to two places,

the IQ Zoo and the Arkansas Alligator Farm,

because they would have hundreds and hundreds of alligators.

But they wouldn't be that scary when you first got there

because, you know, they'd lay on each other.

They'd kind of stretch out on the rocks and sleep

and it's just one big gator pile.

You know, sometimes they're not even moving.

And, so, they'd have to poke them and wake them up.

Darcy...

Yeah, that's exactly what they looked like.

Thank you, Darcy. So they'd have to poke them

so that they could wrestle the alligators.

They did that thing where they put their head

in the gator's mouth.

Should I put my head in your mouth?

-Do it.

-That's okay. We'll do that later. All right.

-What was that other place, the IQ Zoo?

-Well, that was this place where you could play tic-tac-toe

against a chicken. And the --

-What? -The chicken --

Yeah. The chicken would always win.

The chicken was great at tic-tac-toe.

They had a basketball-playing rabbit, you know,

and he would sometimes miss,

but usually he would, like, hit the three-pointer.

They had -- They had a rabbit that drove a fire truck.

-You're making that up. -No!

They had a chicken that played baseball.

They had they -- had a duck that played a guitar.

They dressed the duck up like Elvis

and he played the guitar.

-How did a chicken play baseball?

-Well, the chicken had a little baseball bat

and it was like,

you know, it was attached to a spring-action thing.

And it hit the ball and it ran to first base.

And then, you could hit the ball,

and the chicken would run to second base.

And every time you paid a quarter,

the chicken would do something.

So it really encouraged you to, like, spend four quarters

so it would go all the way, you know, get back to home.

-And all this was in Arkansas.

-Hot Springs, Arkansas. Yeah. Gateway to vacationland.

They had a hamster who could fly on a trapeze.

They had a roller skating parrot.

-Now I know you're lying. -No. Arkansas tourism, Darcy.

They don't mess around.

♪♪

[Insects buzzing, birds chirping]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

[Alligator hisses, audience exclaims]

-Whoa! And you thought that was

just an old, dead log lying there.

I tell ya, these gators are mean, they're real.

By the way, folks, you can get

your own genuine Florida baby alligator

and other Sentinel souvenirs at the concession stand --

Okay, you get yourself a genuine alligator

at the stand back there. -[Yells]

[Host continues indistinctly, man yelling]

-They could do without the fake blood.

-It's real, mama.

-Aah!

-Don't worry, folks.

-Get him off him, get him off!

-Why don't they shoot it?

-If they could turn it on its back, it'll fall asleep.

-We've got it under control. -Aah!

-Stay calm now, we got everything under control.

Don't worry about it, we'll get him out of there.

See, he's okay, folks.

♪♪

Well, now, we promised you gator wrestling, folks,

and, uh, sometimes gators win.

Hey, a big hand for Bobby Brazell, everybody.

Bobby Brazell. [Applause]

Attaboy, Bobby. He'll be back on his feet next week, folks.

-Honey, they're vicious animals.

Did you see what it did to that man today?

Oh, come on, honey. It's starting to rain.

-What about when it grows up?

-I'll give it to a zoo.

-Pick yourself a cute one, honey.

Go ahead. They won't hurt you.

They're tender little babies.

Come on.

There they go. -Oh. Oh.

-I'll call him Ramon.

-Yuck. -Cute.

-Oh come on, let's go, honey.

Here's your house. Why don't you go in

and go to bed now because I have to have to go to bed, too.

When you get up, I'll be going to school

and you'll be taking your alligator bus to school.

And then you'll be going to school here

and there's all sorts of stuff that you'll like there.

There's some fish and crickets and insects.

You'll love living here, Ramon. It's so fun.

Ramon, it's time to go to bed.

-The city of Chicago remains in chaos this morning.

Hundreds of rioters disrupted the 1968 Democratic Convention

clashing with Mayor Daley's police force late last night.

Hundreds were injured and traffic has been...

-Marisa! -Oh, my God!

-Marisa! -She's not home!

-Well, where the hell is she then?

-She's at school at the science fair.

Now what are you gonna do with that?

-I'm gonna get rid of it.

There's alligator turds behind the clothes hamper!

-And what are you gonna tell Marisa?

-We'll tell her we found it dead

like we did with the hamsters!

-No, Bill.

-We'll give him a burial at sea.

[Toilet flushes]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-All right guys. Sorry.

[Dog whines]

I think we got him.

What do you say there, kid?

-I know just what you're going through.

-What are you looking at?

-The patch on the back, the thinning in the front.

You know what I mean? Same thing.

Same thing, you know?

-Yeah.

Okay, what is that? 15.90.

Had another one. They swiped him out in front of a grocery store.

Must have been in there two minutes and bingo.

-Yeah, that sure goes on a lot around this neighborhood.

Did you call the cops?

-I am the cops.

Name was Snaps, the one that got grabbed.

-[Chuckles]

I know just how you feel.

They're kind of cute. You...

you kind of get attached to them, don't you?

-Yeah, you sure do.

[Pager beeping] Oh, duty calls.

Well, thank you.

Uh, you got any advice on him?

-Keep your shoes off the floor for a couple of months.

He's teething. -Thanks.

All right, kid.

[Parrot squawks]

[Water rushing]

-How do you suppose it got this way?

-It looks like it was chewed off.

-Yeah, it's a working man's hand.

We'll get some scrapings off these calluses.

-Anything else?

-Yeah, they found a Lhasa Apso

floating in the same sludge tank.

-What is that? Some kind of pooch?

-Yeah, some kind of dog.

They got a line on who it might be.

-Uh-huh?

-Yo! Homicide in here?

-Yeah, that's me.

-Chief wants you outside. He's got a lady, she owns a dog.

-Be right there.

-We got a big toe in the morgue once.

Nothing else, just a big toe.

-Yeah? -Never found the rest of him.

But we figured out who it was.

Had a funeral and everything.

-Must've been a pretty small casket.

-I checked it out. There's only three of that breed registered

in the whole state.

Now, a lady called in and reported it lost two months ago.

-What kind of shape is it in now?

-The body hasn't decomposed a bit,

but all the internal organs had been cut out

clean as a whistle.

Larynx cord's cut, too.

-It looks so much like Taffy.

-Mrs. Lewis?

This is Detective Madison.

-Hi.

-It looks exactly like Taffy, but it's way too big.

You know, she has the same markings,

the same color, everything.

This fit her two months ago when I lost her.

-This sweater fit this dog? -Uh-huh.

-[Kisses, whistles] Come on.

[Dogs whining]

Get in there.

See if you can make some friends.

[Dogs whining]

Come on, Tucker. Here we go.

-I'm going to need a lot more of those for this experiment.

-How about some cats? I got plenty of cats.

-Puppies.

-I also got a parrot I'd like to get rid of.

-Puppies.

And we're through with those. You can dump 'em.

-Right.

Oh, my God.

Say, you know, a cop came by my store this morning.

Almost wet my pants.

I'm scared, you know.

I'm really scared.

Maybe I ought to...

Maybe I ought to lay low for a while, huh?

-Gutchel, I need a lot more animals.

The old man's breathing down my neck for results.

Now get cracking. -Right.

Puppies.

-Puppies.

-Puppies. -Puppies.

[Children chattering]

-Callan?

-Yeah?

-They tell me you're a friend of Edward Norton's?

-That's right. So what?

-Well, his timecard for last Friday

said that he punched out at three o'clock,

but his wallet and street clothes are still in his locker.

-Yeah, well, I punched out for him.

He's okay, isn't he?

-Where was the last place you saw him?

-Well, it must have been Friday.

We were opening up a section of the old system

down by the drug works there.

[Basket rattling]

-[Groans]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

You're a mangy little critter.

Don't you give me any trouble, now.

Oh.

Bastard.

[Foreboding music]

♪♪

Ugh, God.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Coughs]

Oh, shit.

Not that bunch.

Well...

Not exactly the Nile.

I gotta get you little suckers movin'.

♪♪

Come on.

♪♪

Now watch it.

[Muttering]

♪♪

[Screaming] -[Growling]

-You know, if this keeps up,

I'm going to open a spare parts shop.

-This isn't the guy the arm came from.

-How can you tell?

-This guy cut his nails square.

The other one rounded them off.

What was he wearing on his feet? Wearing boots?

-No, he's wearing alligator wing tips with lifts in 'em.

-Not your regulation sewer gear.

-Yeah, we got one here and, you know,

forensics came up with something

very interesting in his sock. -What?

-Kitty litter.

The guy must have been a cat fanatic.

-Yes, we do quite a bit of in vivo research.

-You ever do business with a pet store owner named Gutchel?

-All of our subjects are either bred here

or we purchase them from the city pound.

-What happens when you run out of test animals?

-We have to suspend research. That does happen.

-You're a hormone guy, right? -Yes.

-Just hypothetically, is it possible for a mature dog

to double its size in, say, a two-month period?

-No, not at the present time.

Look, detective, I'd like to be more help to you,

but like I said, when we're done with the subjects,

they're taken back to the pound for cremation.

It's all very carefully regulated by the humane society.

-Is it possible for one of these dogs to get loose

and wind up in the sewer system?

-No.

No way.

[Dog whining]

-They're very quiet.

-Pardon? -I say, your test animals

are very quiet.

-Oh, yes, well, we cut the larynx when they first come in.

It helps keep the noise level down.

-That it does.

[Whining]

-Stop tap dancing around it, son. [Chuckles]

You just got caught with your pants down, that's all.

-Well, we're very close to that synthetic hormone, sir,

and I thought that we should go ahead and --

-Yes, what did the police really have on you?

-Well, Gutchel was paid out of the slush fund,

so there's no way he can be tied to the company.

Uh, I've disposed of any animals that could be traceable.

It's just this guy, Madison that was here --

-Yes, yes, yes. Um...

I'll put in the -- in the fix.

-Pardon? -Well, it's not the police

we have to worry about.

No, it's those damn yellow journalists that's the trouble.

They're out to ruin our public image.

-Yes, sir.

-Yes, now will you get on back to your chemistry set,

and I'll take care of everything.

We'll put in the fix.

Don't worry about a thing. Go on, go on.

-Thank you, sir. -Yes.

Don't talk to any reporters.

-Yes, sir.

-I don't know why I'm supposed to talk to 'em.

-Because it's your case.

You got to face the music.

Jesus, don't you own a razor?

-I was in a hurry this morning.

-In a hurry? For Christ's sake, you were a half hour late.

-These reporters are assholes.

-You just watch your language in there.

-Edward Norton worked for the sanitation department

for 25 years.

-Have you identified the other victim?

And what do you know about him?

-Luke Gutchel, he operated a pet store.

-And Gutchel, didn't he have a criminal record?

-No comment. -Detective, is there any

evidence to link the two murders?

-Well, we don't know that it was a murder.

Second of all, that would be evidence.

I wouldn't be able to comment on it.

-Is there anything you can comment on?

-Next question.

[Reporters talking over one another]

-Say that again, please? -How could the bodies have

found their way in to the sewer system?

-In this city, we use a combination sewage

and drainage system, therefore, the bodies could have

found their way into the system at any point.

-Can you give us a cause of death in each case?

-The bodies were dismembered.

We're waiting on the coroner's report.

-Can you tell us at least if they were similar?

-The bodies were dismembered.

-Are you withholding information?

-No comment. -Do you think there might be

a Jack the Ripper-type killer operating in the city?

-It's a little too early to speculate on that kind of --

-[Whispers indistinctly] -What do you think the motive

might've been in these slayings?

-Raise newspaper circulation. Look, I can't do this.

[Reporters chattering]

-As you can see, we have

very little information at the moment.

Now, if you'll excuse us, Detective Madison

and I have work to do. -Officer Madison, aren't you

the same David Madison who lost his partner

in the Hotel Baldwin incident in St. Louis?

-Yeah. -I believe, in that case,

your partner was stabbed to death, wasn't he?

-He was shot.

-That's right. I'm sorry.

[Reporters chattering]

-We will keep you posted.

Thank you.

-You ought to let me break that stolen pet angle.

Give 'em somethin' to chew on.

-You look terrible, David.

When you're representing the department,

you should take the time -- -Look, Chief,

I had a tough night last night. I had one of those bad dreams.

Didn't get me much sleep.

I didn't shave this morning, so gimme a break.

-David, you can't let that Baldwin Hotel thing throw you.

Now, that was five years ago, and nobody blames you.

-Yeah. Tell that to the newspapers.

Thanks.

[Ominous music]

♪♪

I need somebody to check out a sewer with me.

Champsky?

-I got a court appearance today.

-Uh-huh.

Meyer? Spinola?

-We're at Marquette Hill today.

Don't think the Chief would pull us.

-Sloan, what are you doin'?

-Paper work. -What is it, my breath?

Shoot fingers or somethin'. I need somebody.

-I'll go.

-You're it.

-Yeah, well, I'm gonna need some boots or something.

I just shined my shoes, and I don't wanna get 'em wet.

-You bet. -You bet.

-You hit some methane pockets, these will help you.

-Righto.

-Who cuts your hair, Madison?

-I do mostly. Why?

-You oughta see a hair stylist.

You let your hair grow down and whip it across,

nobody will be able to see it.

-Sir?

-Yeah?

-I killed a man in the sewer.

-Madison.

-[Whispers] Crazy.

-Well, look, you give us a second,

I'll take you down to Sergeant Reynolds.

He'll take your confession.

-No, sir. I didn't come to confess.

I came to...

kill the rest of you.

-I see.

How do you intend to do that?

I'm wired to explode.

You two.

Don't move.

[Beeping] Your time is running out.

Now, I-I-I-I cut him up with my matte knife.

I'm a picture framer.

-Why would you do it, son?

-They told me to.

-Who told you?

-Them.

On the radio.

-Madison, he's bluffing.

Take him to the left. -Cool it, Kelly.

-Don't move! Uh...

I'll kill us all!

They told me to.

♪ On the radio, oh ♪

♪ On the radio ♪

-Kid, take your finger away from that button, please.

-Kelly! -They told me to.

The voices. Don't you see? The voices. The voices.

-Hey, buddy. Buddy, you wanna know the truth?

I used to be a left-hander, they made me a right-hander.

I wanted to be a priest, they made me into a cop.

You wanna blow the joint up, I don't care what you do.

I stopped wantin' to be a cop about last week. I have...

[Object clattering] -Don't even blink.

-Okay, what do I -- -Don't do anything yet.

Look on the side. It's not on this side.

There's gotta be a little button.

It's got to be right near the counter.

-Got 11 seconds more. -Okay.

-All right. Nine seconds more.

-[Grunts] -Pull it.

-I got it! I got it, I got it.

-Now, don't anybody move. Hold him real tight.

-I got him.

-All right, let's see what we got here.

[Upbeat music playing] It's a radio.

[All sighing]

-Next time, try "Lawrence Welk."

-Hey, Sloan with all the paperwork,

come here and book this guy.

-Puppy trafficking, Darcy. Puppy trafficking.

Puppy stalking, puppy abductions,

puppy vivisection, puppy larynx snipping,

puppy dumping.

-I know. It's horrifying.

-Are we going to get social media flack for showing this?

-I don't think so.

-Because I don't know what the rules are anymore.

I used to think we only make warnings if a real animal

is going to be killed on the screen.

But the last time we got in trouble,

it involved a fake cat. So I don't know.

I mean, I can guarantee you no puppies got harmed,

but we had a lot of puppy harmed depictions.

And not to mention we have an alligator terrorizing a city.

So I'm going to have to assume the gator is going to have,

at the very least, some combat wounds.

So I don't know.

-I think we're safe when it's a creature feature.

-Could you even make "Jaws" today?

You know, you could only make "Jaws" if the whole cast died

and the shark got a lifetime catering deal.

You know, Uber Eats for Sharks,

random body parts delivered daily to the shark because --

-Stop exaggerating.

I don't think there's anything in this movie

that's going to alarm PETA.

-You say that now, but one thing the movie has going for it

is that the first victim of the mutant gator

is a sewer worker named Ed Norton.

And of course, Ed Norton,

that was Art Carney's character in "The Honeymooners,"

you know, and he was famous for his jokes about the sewer.

So it kind of indicates they won't be taking

the subject matter that seriously.

And by the way, a lot of critics who have written

about this movie say that it's set in Chicago.

And the only reason they say that is because of that

early scene where the radio is blaring out about police

are beating people up on the streets of Chicago.

But all that does is establish the time of the movie,

the time that the baby gator was flushed down the toilet,

1968, because the cops beating up protesters

at the 1968 Democratic Convention

was hot news everywhere, not just in Chicago.

And when we see the establishing shot of,

what is it, Gutchel's Pet Store,

you know, it looks like it's on the main street of a small town

or maybe one of those charming suburbs,

you know, outside of big city.

But it doesn't look like Chicago.

Anyway, "Alligator" came out in 1980,

so that would line up perfectly with the timeline,

not to mention implying that Marisa's mean daddy

is just like those Chicago cops --

indifferent to life, out of touch.

"Alligator" was written by John Sayles.

-Hmm.

-Known today as a writer/ director of quirky indie films.

But at the time this came out,

he was mostly known for being one of the go-to writers

at Roger Corman's New World Pictures.

He wrote "Piranha" for Joe Dante.

Very similar plot wise to this film, by the way.

He was double dipping.

And then he wrote an excellent picture for Julie Corman,

Roger's wife and producing partner,

called "The Lady in Red."

And "The Lady in Red" starred Pamela Sue Martin

as the prostitute who fell in love with John Dillinger

and eventually became a bank robber herself.

And that movie underperformed at the box office, as they say.

But it had a direct connection to this movie

because it was the debut film of Lewis Teague,

who was moving up from the editing department at New World.

And Robert Forster was brilliant in a small role in that movie

as Turk, the hit man.

So when Lewis Teague got his hands

on the first script for "Alligator,"

he said he would direct it,

but only if John Sayles did a rewrite on it,

and he wanted Robert Forster for the lead.

And, man, was that a good choice.

This is Bobby Forster at the prime of his career as Madison,

the cop with a checkered past and a receding hairline.

And all those male pattern baldness jokes,

by the way, those were written by Robert Forster himself

in an effort to humanize the character.

Plus, he thought it was a natural thing

to put in the movie, since he had just discovered

that he did have a receding hairline.

And but he put in a great performance on "Alligator."

He fills up the screen every time you see him.

But if you're a fan of top-tier Hollywood character actors,

this is the movie for you. The pet store guy,

that's the great Sydney Lassick who played dozens of neurotics,

weaklings, unbalanced types over the years,

probably best known for his role as Charlie Cheswick,

the whiny, infantile mental patient

in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

We have a lot of "Carrie" fans who watch this show.

He was also the mean, sarcastic English teacher in "Carrie"

who gets electrocuted. Method actor.

Graduate of Pasadena Playhouse.

One of those guys who had to audition

for every role he ever got.

He worked as a dispatcher at a trucking company

throughout his career, because he was always afraid

he wouldn't get that next acting job.

But he always did get that next acting job.

So they must have been pissed at the trucking company.

How many days he took off.

The obnoxious reporter asking embarrassing questions

at the press conference, that's Bart Braverman

frequently seen in Corman movies.

Been in a thousand TV shows.

The nerdy guy with the fake bomb strapped to his chest,

that's John Lisbon Wood, highly respected playwright,

theater actor, character guy, Vietnam vet.

The guy who plays Mr. Big,

the CEO of the evil growth hormone company,

the guy who says he'll "put the fix in."

You know, I don't think you can even call him a character actor.

That's the notorious Dean Jagger.

This was the last film in a career

that had started in 1929 with a silent film,

"The Woman from Hell" with Mary Astor.

Dean Jagger,

he was an Academy Award winner

for his role in "Twelve O'Clock High."

But his career was tarnished by the fact that he was

one of the biggest supporters of Senator Joseph McCarthy,

the communist -- guy who hunted the communists.

And even to the point that when Dean Jagger got hired to star

in "X the Unknown" in 1956,

he got Joseph Losey fired as the director

because of his alleged communist ties.

So, anyway, politics aside,

Dean Jagger had a long career in horror.

He was in "Revolt of the Zombies" in 1936.

The general public remembers him

mostly as the alcoholic sheriff in "Bad Day at Black Rock"

or the old prospector with the rattlesnakes

in "Vanishing Point."

But I remember him from "White Christmas"

because they show that every Christmas.

Remember at the end of "White Christmas," Danny Kaye

is pretending to be injured

so he can distract the retired general

and Bing Crosby can go on TV

and ask people to come to Vermont

for a Christmas broadcast

to honor their commanding officer from World War II.

So Dean Jagger is the general who makes the speech at the end.

So, anyway, last time we would ever see

Dean Jagger is in this movie.

But, wait, there is one more legend

that we've already seen just 20 minutes into the movie,

and that would be the police chief

played by Michael V. Gazzo.

Now, Michael Gazzo, he got an Oscar nomination for his role

as Frank Pentangeli in "The Godfather Part II."

Remember, Robert Duvall goes to see him in prison,

and they talk about the traditions of the old Romans.

And without saying it, Pentangeli assures him

that he will do the honorable thing

and commit suicide, which he does.

And that little two-minute scene between Duvall and Gazzo,

that's a damn near perfect combination of writing,

acting, and direction.

So, anyway, Michael Gazzo was another

one of those character actors,

more famous as a writer than as an actor.

He wrote a hit Broadway play

called "A Hatful of Rain" early in his career.

Ben Gazzara, Tony Franciosa they won all the awards for it.

In fact, Tony Franciosa got an Oscar nomination

for the film version of "A Hatful of Rain" in 1957.

But Gazzo also had a major supporting role

in "On the Waterfront."

Lots of other Actors Studio productions

in the '50s and '60s.

But he was also a very in-demand screenwriter.

He wrote "King Creole" for Elvis.

He worked right up until his death in 1995.

He had a famous acting workshop in LA.

He had numerous writing credits for Italian television

since he wrote in both languages.

So, sorry, Darcy. Really long break. Sorry.

-You say that like it's a new thing.

-All right.

Well, with this much Hollywood history in the movie,

you know, had to get in -- get it all in,

especially people like Sydney Lassick,

who might not be that well remembered.

-I get that and I appreciate it,

but we should probably move on now.

-Oh, yeah. Okay. Back to the movie.

-Thank you.

-I thought they would have more alligator wrestling.

That opening scene was not that impressive, you know?

-Are you a fan of alligator wrestling?

Sounds like it might be a little cruel.

-No, it's very woke, Darcy.

It was invented by the Seminole Indians.

They started doing it for tourists

more than 100 years ago. It's Native American.

Really, it's just a technique you use to sneak up on the gator

if you're going to have him for dinner.

-Oh, gross.

-No, I mean, they always say it tastes like chicken, right?

You know, gator meat, just like rattlesnake meat,

tastes like chicken. Well, if it tastes like chicken,

why don't you just kill a chicken.

-Or just eat vegan chicken? -That's not chicken.

-But it tastes like chicken. Tastes like seitan.

-I'm surprised you know what seitan is.

-It's gross. It's some kind of rubbery wheat goo.

-And alligator meat is not gross?

-Seminole Indians, Darcy, it's Native American.

It's a delicacy. It's part of the heritage

of the first Americans who were here before Americans were here.

So we should honor their traditions.

They eat gator meat.

-We can honor their traditions in other ways.

-They own the Hard Rock Casino in Florida.

-There you go. Gambling at the Hard Rock

would be a good way to support the Seminoles.

-Or go into the Hard Rock, order some gator meat

in the Hard Rock restaurant, reward them twice.

You know, give them some more money.

-Just stop talking, please.

[Laughter]

-Okay.

-Did you see the look on that guy's face?

-I want to know why you thought he was bluffin'.

-Well, you can't live forever, huh?

-Ain't gonna last long in the cops with that attitude.

-We'll see.

Oh, boy.

Whoo, look at this place!

[Water trickling]

Heard you used to work in St. Louis.

-Yeah.

-Why'd you leave?

-I'm sure you must've heard the story.

-All I heard was, uh,

kind of unhealthy to work with you.

-Then why'd you volunteer?

-I don't go for that locker room crap.

Besides, I can take care of myself.

Know what I mean?

Well...

I can't find it.

-I'm not surprised. These maps aren't complete.

Some of these tunnels date back to 1890.

They lose track. Here you go.

-As long as we get home before supper.

[Grunts] Oh, my back!

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

-Methane. Use your mask.

Don't light any matches.

Saw a methane explosion in St. Louis once.

Blew a hole in the street. Goddamn bus fell through.

-Well, at least we could find our way out of here.

[Water trickling]

[Mysterious music]

-Where are we?

-According to this? Cleveland.

♪♪

[Splash]

[Kelly laughs]

-I knew a guy like you in St. Louis.

Wild Bill, they used to call him.

He'd just kick a door in and see what happened.

We were down by the ballpark one time. You know St. Louis?

[Water splashes]

Kelly?

Kelly?

Kelly?

Kelly!

Kelly!

[Ominous music]

Kelly!

♪♪

♪♪

[Rats chittering]

Kelly!

♪♪

♪♪

Kelly!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Dramatic music]

♪♪

[Yelling] -[Laughs]

-I could've shot you, asshole.

-I thought I was dealin' with quick-draw Madison.

-Damn.

What do you think?

I think someone's been here recently.

-Yeah. I think we ought to come back here

with a crew and really look this joint over.

-You know, Madison, I don't mind tellin' ya,

I'm gettin' a little tired of this soup.

Oh, son of a bitch!

-Wait a minute. I got it.

Here you go. Unroll it one more.

That's it, that's it.

All right, looks like

we just keep goin' down in this direction,

we ought to hit some kind of an outlet.

-Get you home for dinner.

-I'm not hungry anymore.

♪♪

♪♪

[Alligator roars]

[Gunshots]

-[Shouts]

[Both yelling]

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

[Shouting]

♪♪

-Go. Keep movin'.

Open it.

-Bitch is stuck.

♪♪

-Push it!

Well move up! -I am up.

-[Gasps]

-No!

-[Yelling] -No!

[Alligator growls]

No!

[Splashing]

Kelly?

[Echoing]

[Alligator growling]

Kelly!

[Echoing]

[Tone playing over PA]

-Dr. Kline? Paging Dr. Kline.

Telephone... -No!

No.

-There you are.

-How'd I get here?

-Well, you just popped out of a manhole at Campbell Street

and started yelling, "Alligator."

[Tone playing over PA]

-Holy Jesus.

Kelly.

Kelly.

-Dr. Warner, you're wanted...

-Hey. Hey, hey. You are not to get --

-David! -Leave me alone.

What happened to Kelly? Did you find him?

-Nothing. And not a sign of you know what, either.

Now look, stay a couple of days. Just take it easy.

What the hell are you talking about?

We got to get back down there.

-You need some rest, David.

-Are you nuts? You think I'm going to lay

in this bed while a kid I sent down in the sewer is...

unaccounted for?

-Look, Dr. Leigh has got to see him.

-Who's this Dr. Leigh? -He's a psychiatrist.

He just wants to give you some tests.

-I'll give you some tests.

-You're going to give yourself a headache.

-You're nuts yourself. What the hell's the matter

with you guys? -Hi.

How you feeling?

-What happened, you lose your paper route?

-What's the matter with you?

Hey, I'm just trying to write a story.

-Well, invent something. You know how to do that.

-I hear you lost another partner.

-We got no comment on that.

-You know, that's getting to be a habit with you.

I pulled out the files on the Baldwin Hotel shooting.

-Hey, Kemp. Lay off.

-I'll lay off.

You tell me what happened in the sewer yesterday.

-No comment. -Chief, I'm not asking you.

I'm asking Officer Madison.

-And that's exactly what we're gonna find out, isn't it, Chief?

-Right.

-The largest one ever recorded was around 15 feet,

but in a sewer, it's not possible.

Even in a zoo, they don't grow full size.

-He was bigger than that.

-Excuse me. -He was huge.

-Tell me something, miss.

Are these your snakes?

-No, they belong to the university.

I have a couple of non-poisonous species at home though.

-It was bigger than 15 feet.

-An alligator half that size would starve in a week.

There's no sunlight.

There are toxic fluids and gases.

Not to mention the question

of how it got there in the first place.

-You're looking at the one who saw it, and it was big.

-You said it was dark. Now, perhaps you're mistaken.

-Okay.

Thanks very much for your help.

Can I borrow this book? -You can have it.

-Excuse me.

-Dr. Kendall, could there be another animal down there

that could possibly be this size?

-Nothing I know of.

I'm sorry.

-Thank you very much.

-I thought she'd be some kind of help.

-She's the leading authority. Now, it was worth a try.

-She's a kid, she lives with snakes.

What the hell you talking about?

-Look, I didn't say she was normal.

I said she had the word on alligators.

Now, look, why don't you give it up, Dave?

It's one of your nightmares.

-Nightmare your ass. There's something down there.

Now, it'll take a lot of guys, but we'll flush him out.

-The only thing you're going to take is a leave of absence.

Here. Read it and weep.

Our friend Kemp, he's got the hots for you.

-"City Detective Loses Partner Again.

Mysterious circumstances surround the abrupt

disappearance in a city sewer of Police Patrolman Jim Kelly,

partner of Detective David Madison,

while on an official investigation.

No such mystery surrounds the death of Jerry Randolph

of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police who was paired

with Madison on the fatal night of March 21, 1975."

-"Witnesses report that Detective Madison's inaction

enabled the three to escape,

wounding Randolph in the process.

A Board of Inquiry hearing investigating

the officer's death made no finding against Madison.

In the more recent disappearance..."

-Hey, guys.

Nice.

-"...the more recent disappearance,

city officials have been unwilling to make any comment.

This reporter, for one, is not satisfied."

-Well, what kind of dreams? -Well he was out on meds

most of the time that he was here.

-What are meds?

-Medication. -Mm.

-He kept coming up with some garbage

about alligators in the sewers.

-Alligators? In the sewers?

-Yeah.

[Water trickling]

[Thudding]

-Nice. Wonderful place.

[Camera clicks]

[Low growling]

-Jesus Christ. [Rats chittering]

♪♪

[Camera clicking]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Camera clicks]

♪♪

♪♪

[Camera clicking]

♪♪

[Alligator hisses] -Aah!

No! No! No, please!

[Camera clicking] [Yelling]

No!

Agh!

♪♪

-All right.

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Although, I have to say, I'm impressed

that he kept taking gator pictures

even as he was being eaten alive.

The reason we have so many point-of-view shots,

meaning from the gator's point of view,

is that they had massive problems

getting the creature to work. Lewis Teague, the director,

hired Ben Stansbury to design the alligator,

and Ben Stansbury was the mayor of Beverly Hills.

I assume he was also an industrial designer.

But, anyway, I doubt the mayor of Beverly Hills had ever dealt

with the problem of alligators in the sewer system.

So Ben Stansbury builds this giant alligator

about 36 feet long.

It's made of rubber and it's fashioned around

a frame of rattan and wicker with wire hinges on it

so the mouth and feet and tail could move.

And it looked beautiful. It looked great.

When they took it out of the warehouse,

it crumbled into dust.

The rubber had gotten dried out.

So they go back to the drawing board.

Teague said, "Use Ben Stansbury's original mold

but constructed out of some other materials."

So Bob Short took over, and of course,

he was terrified of the rubber drying out,

so he made it too thick.

It was this really thick rubber shell

that had to be supported by an aluminum and steel frame.

So it ended up weighing a ton

and it was extremely hard to make it move.

They need the gator to be able to move fast

because gators actually can move really,

really fast for short distances.

And so they hired two NFL lineman,

300-pound NFL linemen, to get inside there

and put their legs inside the rubber legs of the gator

because you had to be really,

really strong to make those legs move.

So they took it out to a parking lot to test it out.

And a small crowd gathered because, hey, giant gator,

who wouldn't stop to gawk at that?

And Lewis Teague called out commands

for the football players to move their legs in unison

in the gator. And they were able to do it,

but it made the gator look like it was taking these tiny little

mincing steps like it was on tippy-toe.

And the crowd just burst into laughter.

And, so, Teague decided, okay,

we're not going to show much creature.

And he went to miniatures.

He used small live gators on miniature sets

when he needed to show the whole animal.

And by the way, I should mention the actor

who played Officer Kelly, that's Perry Lang.

He was in a lot of exploitation films of that era.

He was the lead in "Teen Lust."

He was in Leon Isaac Kennedy's "Body and Soul."

He was in "Mortuary Academy."

But his true calling was writer/director.

He's been doing episodic TV most of his life.

Journeyman director -- "North Shore,"

"Twilight Zone," "Gilmore Girls."

You name it, he's directed at least one episode

of everything on TV,

with occasional forays back into acting.

Okay, Thanks to the sleazy media,

the public now knows that the gator is real.

The gator is hungry. The gator is coming to you.

So roll the film.

All right, Darcy -- Darcy went to wardrobe, right?

She's not here, right?

Because I want to quickly get this in while she's not here

because she does not appreciate alligator wrestling.

You know, so she wouldn't even let me say

all of this without, you know.

Anyway, the first professional alligator wrestler

was Henry Coppinger Jr, better known as Alligator Boy.

Not to be confused with Ben Green,

who toured with freak shows in the '30s

and '40s billing himself as Alligator Boy.

Or Aloa the Alligator Boy who toured with

Clyde Beatty Circus.

Or John Williams the Alligator Man.

You know, he actually was also called the Human Alligator

or Crocodile Boy.

He used all three names during his time.

Or actually Jake the Alligator Man.

Anyway, there was a dozen people with "alligator" in their name

because they have ichthyosis.

That made a certain kind of skin,

made them able to work,

being an alligator, you know,

being part alligator into a carnival act.

Anyway, the alligator boy

I'm talking about was the son of an Irishman named

Henry Coppinger Sr, who opened a tourist attraction in Miami

in 1914 called Coppinger's Tropical Gardens.

And in 1918, he convinced Jack Tigertail,

who was chief of the Seminoles,

to move his entire village from the big Cypress Swamp

to downtown Miami on the banks of the Miami River,

where tourists could arrive every day on the steamboat

Dixie, and they would get off the boat

and tour the tropical gardens and observe the Seminole Indians

in their natural habitat and talk to Chief Tigertail.

He was a conversationalist.

And then, Seminole alligator wrestling technique

would be demonstrated by Henry Coppinger Jr,

who told everybody that he learned everything he knew

about alligator wrestling from the Seminoles.

And an entertainment industry was born.

That's the beginning of the Miami entertainment industry.

So, thank you. Finally got that out.

Undeterred by Mail Girl interference, you know.

You know those signs

they have in Florida for the Tamiami Trail?

Have you ever driven that?

And actually all the scenic highways in Florida,

there's this giant,

solemn Native American in a kind of a flowing garment.

And he's pointing with his arms straight out from his shoulder

to tell you where to turn off the highway.

That is Jack Tigertail trying to show you

where the alligator wrestling is.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Puppy whining]

[Puppy whining]

-Marisa Kendall?

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

No, I was awake.

Wait a minute. Slow down.

Kemp?

No.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

-Here's his camera.

It got caught in a grate by tank five.

-Sure.

And no sign of Kemp?

-The sanitation people, they won't go in any further.

The rumor is starting to spread.

-Figures. -Get 'em while they're hot.

-Got anything good, Sparks?

-[Chuckles] You won't believe it.

-It's a rat. -No, no. Not that, not that.

Here, look.

-Huh? Huh?

-Holy shit! -Huh?

-What do you think, Chief? You believe me now?

-We'll get the snake lady to take a look.

-Who? -The herpetologist.

-Imagine, clicking away with your camera

while that's coming at you.

-Well, he'll make the front page anyway.

That's all he really wanted.

-Thomas Kemp, the popular columnist

for The National Probe Magazine,

is missing and presumed dead.

His camera, the only clue to his disappearance,

was fished out of a filtration tank

at the city sewage works late last night.

The film inside the camera was salvaged.

-What appeared to be an abnormally large alligator

or similar reptile who is now believed

to be responsible for at least four deaths.

-But as mayor, I tell you that no effort

and no expense will be spared by this --

-Professor, herpetologist, author,

and probably the leading authority

here in the Midwest on reptile and amphibian life,

as well as a native of our own city.

Dr. Kendall, what animal is it?

-It's an alligator.

-Couldn't it be a -- -There's no question.

It's definitely an alligator.

-I see. Well how large do you think it

is from the photographs you've seen?

-If it's been living in the sewer,

it couldn't be very large.

Even under ideal circumstances, in a zoo for example,

they don't grow nearly as large as they would

in their natural habitat.

-This makes it one, two, three,

four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...

13...

[Ominous music]

Where are you?

[Police sirens wailing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct chattering]

♪♪

♪♪

-Come on, keep 'em coming.

Now come over here.

Move it!

Move!

♪♪

♪♪

-Unit, come in. -That you, Beau?

-Yeah. Who's this? -This is Frank.

-Oh, you in position? -Yeah.

-Unit, come in. -Yeah, who's this?

-We've got teams moving in from every possible entry point,

pushing through, converging in these three main channels

such that there is only one possible exit, and that is here.

-What if he doesn't run? -Don't worry.

-It will. -Oh, Dr. Kendall.

-If you don't corner it, you'll be fine.

-Detective Madison.

-Who invited her?

-David, we don't know how this thing is going to react.

Now, maybe she can help us.

-All units are in position now.

-Thank you. Patch me in, please.

This is Madison.

-Yo, this is Rudy. We're all ready.

-Look, I didn't believe you, and I'm sorry.

[Indistinct radio chatter]

-Don't lose any sleep over it. -We're all ready in here.

-All right, guys, this is Madison.

Commence operation.

-Command Center, this is Unit One. We're pushing off.

[Metal clanking]

-Unit Two pushing off.

-This is Unit Three pushing off.

[Metal clanking]

[Metal clanking]

[People whooping]

-Madison, this is Harry. I'm still waiting for Clark.

I can't raise him on my radio. Will you try him for me?

-...ends about a quarter-mile downstream of the waterfall.

[Indistinct radio chatter]

-I'm still waiting for Clark.

I can't raise him. Try him for me, will you?

Madison? Madison!

[Metal clanking]

-I don't know what's happened,

but I passed the same spot three times now.

-Charlie Six, you're just gonna have to back up about 200 yards,

make a southwest and then a southerly turn.

-This is Clark...

-You know, I had one once when I was little.

An alligator.

[Indistinct radio chatter]

My father found it dead one day, though,

so I didn't get to keep it very long.

His name was Ramon.

[Indistinct radio chatter]

Actually, they're not very good pets.

Snakes are a lot better.

-You're a weird kid, you know that?

-I'm not a kid.

-Anybody younger than me is a kid.

-I'm really sorry about your friend.

Must have been a terrible thing to see.

[Indistinct radio chatter]

[Suspenseful music]

[Metal clanking]

♪♪

♪♪

-Madison, Charlie Three just called in from here.

They'll be flushing him out in five minutes.

-Yeah, if he's still in there.

-Where is he going to go?

-Where did he come from, that's what I'd like to know.

-Oh, Mayor, this is David Madison.

He's heading up the operation.

-Hunker down, guys. Here she comes.

Ready positions, let's go!

Into positions!

[Metal clanking in the distance]

[Gun cocks]

[Metal clanking in the distance]

[Clanking stops]

-Hold your fire!

Hold your fire!

[Laughter]

-Jesus. David.

We'd better go figure out

what we're gonna hand the press on this one.

-They missed it, Chief.

I don't know how, but it's still in there.

-Come on, David. Let's get the hell out of here.

[Ominous music]

-Chief Clark, could you tell us what happened--

-Nothing! Nothing to say.

Press conference in the morning.

[Tense, mysterious music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Come on! Come on, will ya? -Over here!

-Let's go! Come on!

-Batter up!

[Rumbling]

[Crackling]

♪♪

[Thudding]

[Alligator roars]

♪♪

[Hissing]

-That's the one on the TV!

[Alligator hissing]

♪♪

Let's get out of here! Come on! Let's go!

♪♪

[Police siren blaring]

♪♪

♪♪

[Alligator hissing]

♪♪

♪♪

-No!

[Yelling]

God, no!

[Screaming]

It got me! It got me!

Help me! Help me!

Please help!

[Screaming]

[Bone crunches]

[Screaming]

-Mom!

[Alligator hisses]

Mom! Mom! It's the alligator!

It's the alligator, it's the alligator!

-Later, Joey, I'm on the phone! -But it's the alligator!

-I said later!

I'm sorry, Connie.

The kids are outside playing alligator,

and Joey's drivin' me batty.

Yeah, where was I? Oh, yeah -- Joey, come back here!

Now he's got my bread knife!

Joey! He's drivin' me crazy!

[Police sirens wailing]

[Alligator hissing]

♪♪

[Indistinct radio chatter]

-Will you put that Goddamn map away?

Look, I gave you 78 men, you've got the National Guard,

and he's still loose in my city!

And look at the hole he made!

-He'll go for water.

-What? -He'll go for water.

He's expended a lot of energy and he'll look for a place

with water to rest. -That's wonderful!

We got rivers, we got canals,

and we got that lake over there!

[Tense music]

♪♪

The safety of the public is my job!

-Well, you've got no job unless I get reelected.

Now, look, this could generate a lot of good publicity.

And I can't have your people fumble the ball for us.

That's all.

-Give this lady an idea of how big he was.

Just a guess.

-Was it as big as he is?

-You know an El Dorado?

-The car. You're kidding.

-No, a refrigerator. Of course a car.

-Wait a minute.

You're saying it was as big as a car?

Yeah. Of course, you've got to add the tail.

-Of course. -Yeah.

[Tense, mysterious music]

♪♪

-Look at the size of this thing.

This is amazing. I...

I mean, according to this, it should be 30 to 40 feet long.

-But it is an alligator?

-David.

This is Colonel Brock --

[Explosions]

-Hey, what the hell is that?

-We're setting off charges to see if we can bring him up.

-It's a wild animal, not a submarine.

[Explosion]

-I've flown in Colonel Brock to take charge of the operation.

-Take charge?

-Yeah, well, he's hunted big game animals

all over the world. [Explosion]

-It's a new ball game, Dave.

-What the hell do you expect me to do?

-You just stay out from under my feet.

Start right now, guys.

-Now, look, Madison...

-You know, it's not his fault the alligator got loose.

-Who is this pretty girl?

-Oh, Colonel Brock, this is Dr. Kendall.

She's the -- -Oh, yes, the lizard lady.

Well, now you can go back to your books.

-You'd better take all the help you can get.

You know, I've seen what this animal can do.

-Well, if I couldn't get myself killed chasing it,

what fun would it be?

-Get your Alexander souvenir here.

Hey, want a bump there?

Alexander souvenirs. Alexander souvenirs.

How about you, bud? An Alexander for ya?

Take one home to the kiddie.

Alexander? Hey, how about it?

Alligators here.

-Come and get your alligators.

How 'bout you, pal?

Won't take a bite out of your pocket...

-Hey! Aren't you gonna get one, pal?

-Hey, see him shake! See him wiggle!

Take him home, make ya giggle!

Get 'em! Alligators! Get 'em, pal! Get 'em, pal!

-Hey, sport. Wanna see somethin'?

He's yours for 20.

Great pet for the kids.

Feed him whatever's left on the table,

throw some water on him, huh? Couple of sausages.

-Ross, Daley. -Yeah, what's up?

-Bust this guy. -Come on, what for?

-For being a creep.

Possession of an endangered species, anything you like.

-This is an attack on the free enterprise system.

Communist!

-Hi. Are we live on this thing?

-I believe so. -Oh, nice. You're very pretty.

But, uh, we're here to talk about alligators.

Well, look, alligators respond to sound.

They talk to each other, call each other.

Listen.

[Imitating alligator growl]

-What's that?

-That's the distress call

of a young gator that's still with its mother.

-Do they have a love call?

-Your alligator is a very romantic creature.

It gets the itch, come spring,

and it'll give off with a sound something like this...

[Grunting]

-And that will attract another alligator?

-Well, I'm hoping so.

I'm counting on it.

-Well, depending on your point of view,

that was either the most cringe-worthy scene

in "Drive-In" history

or the most brilliant insider satire in "Drive-In" history.

Because what you saw there is Henry Silva

as the big game hunter,

Colonel Brock, kind of doing a parody

of every tough guy character he's ever played,

demonstrating an extremely weird alligator love call

like a perv as he stares into the face of the woman

who played Lolita in the original movie.

Henry Silva is another one of those Actors Studio

guys from the '50s.

He was in the same class as Shelley Winters,

same class as Tony Franciosa.

And in fact, he had a part in "A Hatful of Rain" on Broadway,

which I mentioned before. And then, when he got out to LA,

he was such a scary guy on screen

that he eventually had to move to Italy

to break his typecasting.

He was the heavy in "Ocean's 11,"

"The Manchurian Candidate," "Johnny Cool,"

"Sharky's Machine."

He costarred with Frank Sinatra in "Contract on Cherry Street."

He was still playing the heavy as late as 1990 in "Dick Tracy."

But he had an alternate career in Rome,

where he had become a European star

after appearing in a spaghetti western called

"The Hills Run Red." He was still the villain,

but in Europe, you can do that and still be a star.

Nobody ever knew exactly what ethnicity Henry Silva was,

and that was on purpose. He kind of kept it covered up.

He played a lot of Native Americans, Latinos,

Italians, Asians, Middle Easterners.

This movie is one of the few times

he had an Anglo character name,

but we know he didn't speak English

until he was eight years old.

He had fluent Italian and fluent Spanish.

And the census reports say his family was Puerto Rican.

He denied being Puerto Rican.

He would just say, "I come from the ghetto."

Very funny guy, by the way.

He used to come to Bobby Forster's

Tuesday night spaghetti dinners

at this Italian restaurant on Melrose Avenue,

and he would regale you with stories and song.

He would take that mic and belt one out,

and he just died last year,

nine days before his 96th birthday at the Motion Picture

and Television Home in Woodland Hills, California.

And we love him there.

So, anyway, the reporter who is interviewing Colonel Brock

and being subjected to the gator mating call is Sue Lyon,

the original Lolita opposite James Mason.

Stanley Kubrick had spotted Sue Lyon on

"The Loretta Young Show" when she was 13 years old

and asked her to audition.

And that role changed her life.

Her mom had moved the family to LA

in the hopes that Sue could get some modeling work,

since she was apparently known in

Davenport, Iowa, for her good looks.

But that instant fame led to a very tempestuous life.

You do get the attention of men when you star in "Lolita."

So she was married five times,

including once to a convict serving time for murder.

But by the time she was 25,

she was sort of forgotten by Hollywood.

This movie was her last role of any kind.

I also wanted to mention that stickball scene

where the gator comes up out of the sewer

and frightens the boys.

That's a direct reference to the alligator in the sewer

urban legend, and actually not legend,

because it's the true event that started the whole thing.

In 1935, there were some boys in the Bronx

who were out on the streets shoveling snow,

and they were dumping the snow down this open manhole.

A six-foot alligator suddenly appeared at the manhole opening

and started crawling out. So the boys, what do boys do?

They snagged the gator with a lasso.

They dragged it out of the sewer drain.

They lashed it to a lamp post,

and then they beat it to death with their shovels.

So the pictures of this gator

were all over the New York newspapers.

And 50 years later, people were still talking about

the alligators who live in the sewers.

Nobody ever explained how that original gator

got there in the first place, but it was a time

when there were no laws against having exotic pets.

So people had tigers and leopards and bears.

It was probably a baby alligator that became a grown-up alligator

and somebody just got rid of it.

So, now, all of our "Jaws" rip-off elements are in place.

We have the cop, Robert Forster, in the Roy Scheider role.

We have the biological expert, Robin Riker,

as the herpetologist

hanging around the police craft services table

in the Richard Dreyfuss role.

And we have the hunter,

Henry Silva, in the Robert Shaw role.

And actually, I would add one more.

We have Jack Friggin' Carter in the feckless mayor role.

I don't know how many people remember Jack Carter today,

but he was in literally thousands of shows.

He was the ultimate Catskills comic, the ultimate Vegas Comic,

the ultimate fast comic -- he had a machine gun delivery.

He aspired to Don Rickles-level insult humor.

He could be really, really nasty.

But you know how Rickles always redeemed himself

by doing a lot of fake apologies,

you know, later in his act? Jack Carter never did that.

He was nasty and he stayed nasty in his act.

But anyway, Jack Carter's television career

went back to the early days of live variety

shows like "Cavalcade of Stars."

And he even had his own show for one season,

"The Jack Carter Show."

But he always wanted to be taken seriously as an actor.

So he was in maybe 200 movies,

but he was always second fiddle to somebody else.

There was a kind of bitterness to Jack Carter

in his life and in his act, and that anger came through,

and I think it overshadowed his talent.

Okay.

My commentary on this movie is longer than the movie.

So please, Joe Bob, stop talking.

Let's get back to the movie. Roll it.

♪♪

But I got to say one thing.

[Laughter]

"Jaws" came out in 1975 and...

there were dozens of "Jaws" clones,

including the ill-fated "Orca: The Killer Whale."

Usually, the rip-offs were trying to find another animal

that could be made out to be as fierce a killer

as the great white shark. But of all the copycats,

I think the two very best ones were "Piranha,"

directed by Joe Dante, and this movie.

And both of those films were written by John Sayles.

And John Sayles saved up the money

from writing these two scripts,

and he used it to finance his first film as a director,

"Return of the Secaucus 7,"

which was one of those baby boomer reunion films,

kind of a precursor of "The Big Chill."

So he sort of invented that genre of let's sit around

talking about what we used to do together

before our lives got boring,

and then we'll pair off and have sex in various combinations

that make us all feel queasy.

And then, let's not have any ending to it.

Let it just peter out

so we can have another reunion movie later.

That genre, whatever you call that genre.

In other words, John Sayles was lost

to the horror genre for all time

after he made a movie like that, he went to the dark side.

He became a Sundance guy.

And yet, in his prime,

he wrote the mating call of the mutant alligator scene

for Henry Silva and Sue Lyon.

Such a paradox.

♪♪

-I work, too, you know.

I mean, I'm way behind on the classwork,

I still have two experiments I have to get done.

-My dear young woman, it is still out there.

-They'll find it.

And your great white hunter will shoot it,

and that'll be the end of it.

-And you're not even curious how it got to be that size?

-I'll be there at the autopsy.

-Look, there's a couple of things

I'm trying to put together.

You're the only I know who can tell me

whether the pieces fit.

If the thing works out,

I'll buy you an iguana or something.

One of them little pretty --

-That'd be great.

It's a section from the pituitary of your Lhasa Apso.

-Hmm.

-The dark blue globules indicate that it's been bombarded

with some sort of hormone derivative.

-What'll that do? -Well, in some cases,

it'll make little dogs into big dogs.

I'd put my money on somatropin, but if they've been throwing

test animals down the sewer for years,

there's no telling what combination

our friend's been exposed to.

-Maybe he'll die of cancer.

[Police sirens blaring]

[People chattering]

[Tires squeal]

[Dog barking]

[Indistinct radio chatter]

[People chattering]

[Baby crying]

[Soft jazzy music on radio]

-Geez!

He's a big one.

-What is it? -Alligator spore!

Don't step in it.

-The latest sighting was in the Marquette Hill section

of the city, where the animal is believed

to be still at large.

Residents are warned to stay off the streets,

and are asked to report any new sightings

of the alligator immediately.

[Helicopter whirring]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

-And you work with progesterone, as well?

-Sure, we tested 'em all.

-What kind of a cow is this?

-It's a calf.

[Cow lowing] -Big for a calf.

-Detective, the world has a food shortage problem.

We're trying to do something about that.

-Yes, I understand you manufactured

a synthetic form of testosterone.

-Yes, we had some success with that.

-Why didn't you market it?

-Several contraindications.

Main one being that it tended to hyper-excite

the organism's metabolic rate.

-What's that in plain English?

-It gave them an insatiable appetite.

Look, Detective, I've got a lot of work to do.

You got any more questions? -Yeah.

What would Slade Pharmaceutical pay for a hot Lhasa Apso?

-Mayor. Slade here.

We got a little problem here at the lab

that you could be some help with.

-Chief!

Chief.

I got the goods on the alligator.

-David... -The big guy over at Slade's,

our dear mayor's buddy, he's up to his eyeballs in it.

-I'll need your shield, David.

You're off the force.

-What are you talkin' about?

-You pushed too far.

-You didn't really expect me to work under that guy Brock,

did ya?

-It's out of my hands.

[Tense music]

-You're kidding... -Homicide?

-Not anymore.

♪♪

[Indistinct radio chatter, phones ringing]

[Tense, mysterious music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Marisa speaks indistinctly]

I got canned. Apparently, we stepped on all the wrong toes.

-Well, can they do that? -Sure, they can do that.

It's their town. They can do anything they want.

-Well, how do you feel?

-I was always worried they were gonna can me anyway.

Now that it happened, psh, I feel wonderful.

-And what are you gonna do?

Go out there, I'm gonna find that alligator, and...

I'm gonna kick his ass.

-When do we start?

-You ever have any boyfriends?

-There was Stuart,

who was president of the science club.

-Taught himself calculus? -In the ninth grade.

And then, of course, there was Chester.

He was into reptiles, like I was.

-Sounds cozy.

-Oh, it was all right.

Till he started dissecting them.

-Yeah, here we are.

This the place?

-Right-o. -Jesus, I haven't been in

this place since I first started with the department.

Look at all that.

-All right, this is where we're gonna split up and take a look.

-What the hell are we looking for?

-Anything that looks like it doesn't belong here.

-Evidence of alligator nesting.

-That could be, like, shoes, handbags, luggage?

-Right.

[Tense, mysterious music]

♪♪

-Found a shopping cart up here.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Screams]

♪♪

-You all right? -Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just a dog.

-Jesus. -I'd venture to say

there are other animals stashed around here, too.

I think this is home base.

-And you think he'll try to come back here?

-If it can get back in the system,

I think it will sure try.

-Well, that settles it for me.

I-I'm taking my vacation until this thing's over with.

At least in Florida,

they keep 'em in the swamps where they belong.

-Mr. Slade, I'd have to go to the City Council for a reward.

-Now, now, let's stop fussing. I'll put up the money.

I'll put up the money. Listen, the wedding is tomorrow.

I want you to pick up all this silver, all the tables,

put 'em back the way it should be later.

-Look, that's very generous of you, Mr. Slade.

-Mayor, listen, we have got four products,

four products pending

with the Food and Drug Administration right now.

Four products. And that's a lot of politics involved.

-Oh, I see. And if they traced it back to the company...

-You mean, if they traced it back here to us?

-Yeah. -Well, you'd be out of a job

for one thing.

Arthur. [Laughs]

Mayor Ledeux, my future son-in-law, Arthur Helms.

-Oh, how do you do? -Nice to meet you.

-Arthur is my number one boy. -Oh.

-My number one boy, yes, sir.

[Laughs]

-Dinner time. [Puppy whining]

Aw, yes, kiddo, yes.

-Can I get rid of this jacket somewhere?

-Sure. Drop it right there.

This is Snaps. -How do you do?

This is Marisa.

-Okay, kiddo, are you hungry? -And can I use your phone?

-Yeah. Right here. -Thank you.

-What do you think, kid? You hungry?

Little bit of corned beef hash?

-Hello? -Hello, Mom?

I'm going to be late tonight.

-Here you go.

That's it.

-Tonight's a school night. Now, what about your homework?

-Mom, I'm the teacher.

-I made this nice meat loaf for you.

Ooh, it was so good. Listen, I ironed your white blouse.

I can't find that little purple skirt that goes with it.

Now, what did I do with that?

It's such a shame.

Oh, you should have -- -I live with my mother.

-If you would have come home on time...

-Oh.

-...you would have had the best dinner...

[Kids chattering]

[Upbeat music]

-All right, you cowboy freak!

-We're gonna make you walk this plank!

-Yeah, you landlubber!

For stealing all our gold!

May the sharks eat you up into little tiny pieces!

-You haven't got any guts! -I got plenty of guts!

-Ha! Get up there right now!

[Tense music]

All right, now walk the plank! -Walk!

-Donald!

Donald!

[Dramatic music]

-No! [Screaming]

♪♪

-Mom! Mom!

Mom!

Mom, Mom, it's Donald!

-Man, talk about a scene

that doesn't really fit the rest of the movie.

Let's stick a scene in where an innocent little

eight-year-old kid gets devoured by the gator

while he's playing pirates at a birthday party.

Really? I mean, Lewis Teague never really explained why

he wanted a dark scene like that and what is otherwise a satire.

It's not scary so much as just depressing.

When people talk about directors

whose careers start with Roger Corman,

you don't hear Lewis Teague's name very often,

but he's a Brooklyn native who went to NYU Film School

in the same class with Martin Scorsese

and Brian De Palma.

And then, his ticket to LA was a job offer from Sydney Pollack

to be an apprentice at Universal Television,

where they let him direct an episode

of "The Alfred Hitchcock Hour."

But then he sort of dropped out of filmmaking for a while.

He became a full-time hippie and he ran Cinematheque 16,

which was an underground cinema on Sunset Boulevard.

They showed art films and documentaries,

and that was before that became a thing in other cities.

Really one of the first so-called art houses in America,

Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, were known to hang out there.

And through all those associations,

he hooked up with Michael Wadleigh

and he became one of the two production managers

on Woodstock.

So the first real film project he was involved

with had a cast of 500,000. And then, like all these

counterculture guys from the '60s,

he spent the '70s working for Roger Corman,

mostly as a second unit director.

He was second unit on "Death Race 2000,"

second unit on "Thunder and Lightning,"

second unit on "The Big Red One" for Samuel Fuller,

and meanwhile, he's working in the editing department

at New World and he earned his street cred

when he edited a film called "Cockfighter,"

starring Warren Oates and directed by Monte Hellman.

Great film. But after it opened,

he got this call from Roger Corman saying,

"Look, 'Cockfighter' opened very slow.

I thought it would be easy to sell a movie

called 'Cockfighter' in the South, but apparently not.

So I want you to cut me a new trailer

and I want all sex and action.

Put every sex scene and every action sequence

in the trailer."

And Teague said, "But, Roger,

Monte didn't really shoot any sex or action scenes."

And Roger said, "I don't care where you get the scenes,

just find some shots of sex and action,

give them to Joe Dante, work with him on a new trailer."

So he went through the whole New World library.

He found every sex in action scene that they had,

but he started to feel bad about it

when they were starting to cut the trailer.

So he called Roger back and he said, "Roger,

we can't do this.

None of these scenes are in the movie."

And Roger said, "You know, you're right.

Put all those scenes in the movie."

And, so, that's what he did, and that's how he became

one of the legendary New World editors.

He also edited "Crazy Mama."

And the only reason he didn't get his directing break

until he was 41 years old is -- he admits this --

he was a substance abuser for most of his life.

Because, you know, running the underground

cinema on Sunset Strip, production managing Woodstock,

hanging out with Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, do the math.

But he finally did get that chance

when Julie Corman picked him to direct "The Lady in Red."

Underrated movie about Dillinger's girlfriend.

And from there, he went on to make "Alligator," "Cujo,"

"Cat's Eye," "Jewel of the Nile,"

"Navy Seals," and then a whole raft of television shows,

TV movies, two miniseries.

He became a highly respected journeyman director.

Recently, he did an acclaimed web series called "Charlotta-TS"

about a transgender woman from Barcelona

who comes to LA looking for love.

Once again, highly acclaimed, not so successful.

Intriguing career.

Okay, we got a gator on the loose,

and it's pissing off Robert Forster,

and now it's eaten in an elementary school student.

So let's kick some gator ass.

Back to the flick.

You know, there must -- there must have been something

going on with gators in the year 1980,

because right after this, Sergio Martino

made a movie called "The Great Alligator"

with Barbara Bach and Mel Ferrer.

They're terrorized by a gator at an isolated resort.

And then, legendary producer Herman Cohen

repackaged a movie from Thailand

and titled it "Crocodile."

And I know a crocodile is not an alligator.

One of them has a snub nose.

I forget which. One of them is fatter.

Oh, then there was "Lake Placid."

Remember that one? 30-foot gator

terrorizing Bridget Fonda and Bill Pullman,

Kevin Bacon.

Betty White is the gator's surrogate mother.

You know. [Chuckles]

I prefer the original, though.

The one we're watching. If you spend too much money,

the gator ceases to be terrifying.

It's the same principle as "Anaconda," you know.

A giant snake couldn't even terrify Jennifer Lopez.

So it's a paradox.

I guess.

♪♪

-Feel better? -Much.

-You know, when I first met you,

I thought you were one of those real tight-asses.

-You did? Well, you were wrong, weren't you?

When I first met you, I thought you were someone

whose apartment would look just like this.

-Well, you're quite right.

One of these days, I'm going to shovel it out.

However...

Marisa.

Lookit.

We're gonna go to dinner now, right?

-Right.

-All the while, I'm gonna be wondering

whether or not you're going to come back

and spend the night with me.

-Oh?

-That's not exactly an answer.

See, if I have to eat food and I'm worried about yes or no,

it sort of hyper-excites my metabolic rate and...

-Oh.

-Can I take this as a definitive yes?

-Yes.

-We're so down, so...

-You guys know the neighborhood.

Every expedition needs its bearers, its native guides.

-What's in it for us?

-10 dollars a day, apiece.

-All right!

-I get 20.

-[Laughing]

The local chieftain. [Laughs]

[Classical music playing] -I was looking at a guest book,

checking the license plate numbers.

This guy comes up behind me,

sticks this thing in the back of my neck,

says he's going to blow my brains out.

Took my gun, gave it to somebody else who was hiding.

Made me lay on the desk face-down.

I heard yelling upstairs and the shots.

The guy behind me ran. I couldn't move.

It was like my legs were gone.

When I finally turned around,

Jerry was coming down the stairs. He was dying.

-They had a gun on you.

-He had a roll of pennies he took out of the cash box.

The only gun they had was mine, the one they shot Jerry with.

-How could you know?

-I froze.

There's a heavy penalty in this life for fear.

-You can't blame yourself for surviving.

-What are you doing?

Lookit, I'm fighting male pattern baldness.

I'm a little sensitive on the subject,

and I hope you don't mention it again.

-This is it.

We call it Booger Alley.

They said they heard heavy breathing.

-Where's it lead to?

-Lets out by the railroad track.

-Give me my rifle.

We better go in and look around.

-Who is we?

-The bearers follow the hunter into the lair.

They back him up.

-[Scoffs] Is that right?

Not in this jungle, mister.

-We'll see you on the other side.

-No backbone?

Must be the environment.

-Hey, man...

-Oh, what the fuck.

Y'all wait for me here, man.

[Heavy breathing]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

[Trash can rattling]

[Growling, hissing]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Growling, gunshots]

-Think he got him?

-[Yelling]

Pull me out!

[Dramatic music]

Pull me out!

[Gun clicking]

Aah! Pull me out!

[Yelling]

-Come on. Let's split.

[Dog barking in the distance]

-Studied history and psychology,

and when I got done, I decided I was gonna be a cop.

What I always wanted to be, and I became a cop.

Thank you.

-You know what Freud says about that?

-What's he say?

-He said the police want to punish society

for their own illicit desires.

-Hmm? -Mm-hmm.

-This guy never did the kamikaze shift in East St. Louis.

-[Laughs] No. Probably not.

-Speaking of illicit desires...

-Yeah? -Hi, Madison.

-Hey, Purdy, Ashe, how you doing?

Thought you guys would be out beating the bushes

for Jungle Jim.

-They just scraped him up over at Marquette Hills.

-What? -Brock?

-Wasn't much of him left.

We're pulling a double shift looking for that damned animal.

-Tough break about the job, Madison.

-Yeah.

-Jesus. [Police siren wailing]

-It was his own fault.

-I understand how you must feel.

-Don't understand me so quick.

You mind?

-No.

[Country song plays on radio]

[Siren wailing in distance]

-Here.

-Your mom will be waiting.

-Yeah.

[Tense, mysterious music]

-[Distorted, echoing] Kelly!

Kelly!

[Echoing]

[Alligator hisses]

♪♪

[Distorted growl]

-Aah!

-No!

[Grunting]

No!

-Kelly!

[Echoing]

Kelly.

[Hissing on television]

[Snarling]

[TV clicks off]

[Sighs]

-She'll be down in a minute.

Marisa just hates to get out of bed in the morning.

Oh, some days I used to go up there,

she was sleeping so peaceful,

I just didn't want to wake her up.

She'd get so mad at me

because, well, she didn't want to go to school.

And then I'd make her some cookies,

and we'd watch "Days of Our Lives"

until Bill, my husband, came home, and then we would...

I've been looking all over for that rosary!

There it is. [Gasps]

God rest his soul.

You know what he used to say to me?

[Deep voice] Sleeping too much leads to an early grave.

[Chuckles]

[Normal voice] Worked just the opposite for him, though.

God rest his soul.

Do you know I have an evil eye?

Bet you can't tell which one it is.

Is it this one?

Or is it this one?

[Laughs]

Did you like that?

-What's your name?

-Madeline.

Can I give you a cup of coffee?

-No, I got some.

-You really make yourself at home, don't you?

-Good morning, David. -Baby.

-Hi. -Hi.

-I came to apologize.

-What for?

-You name it, I apologize for it.

-Don't forget tonight's a school night, Marisa.

-You, uh, want to see my rock collection?

Yeah, well, what do you need me for?

-What does anybody need anybody for?

You're the country's leading herpetologist.

You have a wonderful mind, a doctorate degree,

and beautiful tits.

-I find this all fairly confusing.

-There's nothing to be confused about.

I know I'm a pain in the ass sometimes,

but anything worth having is gonna be trouble.

That is, unless you want to go live with the turtles.

Are you going to come with me?

-Well, we'll see. -Well, we'll see.

-The sightings indicate he's been moving east.

If he continues in that direction,

he's going to hit the canal.

If we wait downstream, he's going to come right to us.

-Then what happens?

-Well, I could bring my mother.

She could talk him to death.

-No, I don't want to talk to Madison!

Things are crazy enough as they are!

Look, just let me know when the state troopers are ready!

Damn it!

He's not hiding in the bushes!

-All right, I see we've got a lock in the canal here

about a mile above the river.

That's maybe two miles from where we are right now.

-Right.

But if the lock's closed, he's going to leave the river.

-What's he going to do when he gets out?

-I guess that depends on what's in his way.

[Dramatic music]

-Holy shit.

That's him, off the port.

[Gunfire]

-Where'd he go?

-There he is!

[Boat revving]

[Tense music]

♪♪

-Aah!

-Get me the hell out of here!

Get me out!

Help!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Aah! Oh!

Get it off of my leg!

Pull me up! [Yelling]

Aah! Aah!

[Groaning]

♪♪

-Okay. Talk about your practical effects.

The reason that shot looks so good when they pull the cop

into the boat and he's lost his feet

is that they were using a double amputee Vietnam vet

who had lost his feet in the war.

Also, if you remember the cop whose leg was bitten off,

that was a one-legged stunt man.

The little love story they've stuck into the movie

is finessed very well by Robert Forster

with Robin Riker as Dr. Marisa Kendall.

Robin was in her late 20s,

but very experienced by the time she made this movie.

She had grown up in a theater family.

Both her parents were New York actors,

and they ran legitimate theaters in Atlanta, Aspen, and Syracuse.

So she was a backstage kid and an onstage kid.

She trained at the Colorado Shakespeare Festival,

and she was always on TV, usually in girl next door roles.

She was a series regular in six TV series,

including "Get a Life" as the nemesis of Chris Elliott.

Recurring roles in "Reba," "Boston Legal."

Later on, she would play the title role in "Stepmonster,"

but this is her film debut,

and I haven't talked much about Robert Forster

because I've talked so much about him

during the other movies

that we've shown on "The Last Drive-In."

But Bobby Forster was one of the nicest guys in show business.

Born in Rochester,

a proud graduate of Madison High School in Rochester,

where he starred in all the musicals.

He was a great song and dance man,

played football at three different colleges,

ended up graduating from the University of Rochester.

Then he moved to New York

and immediately got a role on Broadway

opposite Arlene Francis in "Mrs. Dally Has a Lover."

But then he couldn't get any more work,

so he went back to Rochester, worked construction,

worked as a substitute teacher, worked as a door-to-door

vacuum cleaner salesman, and then his big break

came when 20th Century Fox gave him a contract

and put him in a small role in "Reflections in a Golden Eye,"

the Marlon Brando movie directed by John Huston.

Forster is the guy who rides buck naked on the horse.

He was one of those leading man types

who never got the perfect vehicle to make him a star.

And in fact, his career was all but over in the '90s

when he got new life,

when Quentin Tarantino cast him as Max Cherry in "Jackie Brown"

and he got an Oscar nomination for that part.

Tarantino said "Alligator" was one of the roles that made him

think of Forster for that part. But most of his career,

Robert Forster was making the kind of pictures that we love.

"Vigilante," "Uncle Sam," "Delta Force,"

which he regretted. He regretted "Delta Force"

because he got stuck in bad guy roles after that one.

"The Kinky Coaches and the Pom Pom Pussycats."

Nobody saw that one, but I love that one.

And then, after his rediscovery in the late '90s,

he was in a lot of real classy stuff like "Mulholland Drive."

Okay, just when you think Lewis Teague

can't top the action sequence in the lake

where the speedboat explodes after bouncing off the gator,

the movie goes to a whole new level.

Witness now the stunning conclusion to "Alligator."

Roll it.

And you know, I want to say this.

Nobody involved with the movie wants to give him any credit,

but the original story for "Alligator"

came from Frank Perilli.

Frank Perilli was a nightclub comic, a joke writer.

He was the writer for Shecky Greene,

Don Rickles, Dean Martin, but most importantly,

he was the mentor and manager of Lenny Bruce.

But he always wanted to be a, quote, "serious writer."

And when he was in his late 40s, he wrote a movie called

"The Doberman Gang," which was one of the least favorite movies

we ever showed on my TNT show.

But it was actually an indie hit.

The premise is that a guy trains six Dobermans to rob banks.

And they made two sequels, so somebody liked it.

And he also wrote the X-rated version of "Cinderella,"

and he wrote an Albert Band Western called

"She Came to the Valley" with Scott Glenn

and Dean Stockwell.

So, anyway, his idea for "Alligator"

was that it takes place in the sewers of Milwaukee,

where there's so much runoff from the breweries

that the gator grows to gargantuan size

from drinking the brew.

Now, that's all we know about it.

I'm sure there was more to it because, you know,

Frank may have been a mediocre writer,

but he was not an idiot. So, anyway, that's the script

that was optioned by Brandon Chase, the producer.

And then, Lewis Teague said he would make it,

but only if John Sayles did a rewrite on it.

Anyway...here's to you, Frankie.

You know the "story by" guy never gets any credit.

And here's to you, Shecky. You know?

Shecky Greene still going strong.

Even though he lost his best joke writer.

Shecky Greene was tough to write for

because he did story jokes. He did not do one-liners.

He was the opposite of Jack Carter,

the mayor in "Alligator."

So I hope there's one more booking out there for Shecky

because I want to be there.

♪♪

-How far down the canal?

-A mile and a half up to the river.

-Okay. Now, get me whatever's available,

and get it up to Shady Point by the Slade mansion!

We'll work it from there.

-Nothing!

-Listen, did you see which way it went?

-He walked out down there about 200 yards.

-Which side? -This side.

-Let's go. -You've been here before?

-You bet. Headed straight for Slade mansion.

[People chattering]

[Instrumental music playing]

-When I was a kid a long time ago,

I used to go in our back 40 there,

and I'd cut down one of those green hickories.

-Hickory?

-Well, I would soak it in water,

two, three weeks, four weeks at a time.

Now you go out, and then you build yourself

a great big, deep pit of charcoal like that.

-Charcoal?

-And -- And -- And then you picked up your hickories,

you know, put your hickory, a little seal, right on top.

Not too much of it, or else you'll drown out your fire.

-Oh.

-And then that aroma, that aroma starts.

-Stop, you're making me hungry.

-Beautiful. The meat, it's permeated.

That's really living.

[Dog barking]

[Tense, dramatic music]

♪♪

-[Laughs]

[Screaming]

Oh, my God! -[Roars]

[people shouting]

-Mr. Slade! -No!

[People shouting, alligator growling]

[Screaming]

-[Screams] -Aah!

[Growling]

[People screaming]

-No, no, no! Let's get to the limo!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

No!

Let me in!

[People screaming]

Mr. Slade! Open the door! For god sake's, Slade.

[Growling]

-Blaine, get the hell out of here!

Get us out of here, Blaine!

[Shouting indistinctly]

Get out of here!

[Tires squealing]

-You've got to let us in.

-Could I see your invitations?

-Come on, man, the alligator's coming. You've got to let us in.

-Alligator?

I got a magician and a three-piece orchestra --

-Open it.

Hurry up.

-I'll call the cops.

-Great. Call 'em.

[People shouting]

[Tense, dramatic music]

-Where is it?

♪♪

Where is it?

-David!

-Jesus Christ.

Where is it? Where is it?

♪♪

♪♪

Storm drain.

-You're right. He's headed back to the sewer.

-Then we know exactly where to find him.

♪♪

-David! Hey, David! I need your help!

David!

[Truck engine starts]

-All right, let's say I give myself two minutes on the timer.

Let the chief know where I'm coming up and make sure

that manhole is clear. -Got it.

[Water trickling]

[Tense music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Low growling]

[Low growling]

♪♪

-Come on!

[Gunshots]

Keep comin'.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

♪♪

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

♪♪

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

[Beeping]

[Alligator growls, David grunts]

[David coughs]

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

[Alligator growls]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Shit.

♪♪

[Whistles] Hey, open up!

Hey! Hey!

[Alligator growls]

[David coughs]

[Tires squeal]

Open up! -Move your car!

Lady, you've got to move your car!

-The garbage truck -- -Then back it up! Move it!

♪♪

-Hey!

-Move that truck now! -Back it up?

-Lady, you've got to move your car.

There's somebody underneath. -What are you talking --

-Hey, you asshole!

-What did he say? -Get over!

[Beeping continues]

♪♪

♪♪

[Growls]

[Sirens wailing]

[Indistinct radio chatter]

-You'll live. You'll live.

-Any sign of him? -Only pieces.

-Yeah, you believe me now. No dream.

-When did I ever doubt you?

-I think I'm gonna lock you up with her mother.

How about that? -[Chuckles]

-Her mother?

-Think your mother would go for something like that?

-Yeah, she might.

She goes for that increasingly high forehead look.

I think it runs in the family.

-Yeah.

We got him.

-We sure did.

[Water trickling]

[Tense, mysterious music]

♪♪

[Low growl]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Did you notice that Marisa,

played by Robin Riker, never finds out

that it was her alligator that terrorized the city.

You know, the gator has become a gourmet

by the end of the movie, though, he's worked his way

up the socioeconomic ladder.

He starts out killing the working class.

He moves on to the suburbs, and finally, he invades

the fancy wedding of the richest guy in town,

where he feasts royally on the evil capitalists

who created the mutant in the first place.

John Sayles structured it that way intentionally, of course,

because Sayles would write two more "Drive-In" movies,

"Battle Beyond the Stars" and "The Howling."

But then, he would move on to his own stuff like

"Brother from Another Planet" and "Clan of the Cave Bear"

and "Enormous Changes at the Last Minute."

His most celebrated movie is "Lone Star,"

and he would also direct all of Bruce Springsteen's

most famous videos, including "Born in the USA."

So, the movie never really had a proper theatrical release

because as soon as it was finished,

the ABC network offered Brandon Chase $3 million

for the broadcast rights, and since that was double

what he'd spent on the movie, he just took the money

and said he didn't care that much about theatrical.

Lewis Teague, the director, did care, however,

and so he arranged a screening for critics in New York,

and only one critic showed up. -Aw.

-The good news is that it was Vincent Canby,

the critic for "The New York Times,"

and he loved the movie,

and he made it more famous than it would otherwise have been.

Another person who loved "Alligator" was Stephen King,

and that resulted in King recommending Teague

for the director's chair for his anthology film "Cat's Eye."

And they didn't make a sequel to Alligator,

but not till a decade later.

And they basically just told the same story a second time

without the humor, though, and without the style.

And Robert Forster turned down that script,

and he never turned down scripts.

But "Alligator II: The Mutation"

substituted Joseph Bologna in the cop role,

and the Robin Riker role became Dee Wallace,

and Dean Jagger as Slade became Steve Railsback in the sequel.

And the great white hunter, Henry Silva,

was replaced by Richard Lynch.

The sequel did very poorly in test screenings,

and so they sent it straight to home video.

Ramon, the animatronic rubber alligator

who starred in the movie,

was donated to the University of Florida,

and it occasionally appears at halftime shows.

Okay, Darcy. -What?!

-What is the Mail Girl verdict on "Alligator"?

-I mean, it's a pretty good "Jaws" rip-off.

I went to a "Jaws" rip-off movie marathon

at the Aero a few years ago, and this was my favorite one

that they showed there. -Really?

-Yeah. It's got cool animatronics, sense of humor,

and I love that it's letting us talk about Robert Forster.

-Yeah, we pretty much agree.

In the pantheon of giant mutant killer animals,

where does this movie rank?

-That's a tough question.

-Top of the list would be "King Kong" and "Godzilla,"

right? -"Jaws," of course.

"Jurassic Park."

-I would put "The Birds" on that list.

They're not giant birds, but they're birds with superpowers.

-I would put "Deep Blue Sea,"

but I would say "Alligator" is better than

"Night of the Lepus," but it's still a B-movie, you know.

-Don't diss my giant killer bunny rabbits.

-Oh, my God. Never.

-Okay, what do we have in the mail department?

-I have a DM from Twitter, from Jeff in Clinton, Iowa.

-All right.

"Joe Bob, I want to know why you decided to show

a chick flick teenage drama movie

on 'The Last Drive-In.' I love your show.

Loved 'Drive-in Theater' on The Movie Channel

as well as 'MonsterVision.'

I know you showed a lot of non-horror

on 'MonsterVision' and TMC, but I figured that was because

of the high sheriffs at those networks.

In no world would 'Heathers' ever be considered horror.

It's not that I didn't enjoy the movie,

but I looked forward all week to sit down

for a couple horror movies with my favorite host,

and I got a chick flick teenage drama.

What a disappointment.

But anyway, that's enough griping.

I know I'm not going to love every movie every week.

Looking forward to next week.

Thank you for what you do, Joe Bob.

Sincerely, Jeff."

All right. You know, I --

-You wanted the meaner ones. -Well, yeah.

And I guess, at the time he wrote this letter,

he was going by a different name, 'cause I know who this is.

Well, the short answer, Jeff,

would be that the Christian Slater character

is a serial killer, and I count serial killer movies as horror.

The more general answer would be that our definition

of what's appropriate for "The Last Drive-In"

is extremely broad. We've shown "Angel."

-At Halloween.

-We've shown "'Gator Bait." -At Christmas.

-You know, speaking of gators.

"Heathers" definitely has enough horror elements to qualify,

in my opinion. What do you think, Darcy?

-I mean, normally I would like to keep things closer

to classic horror, but I like when we branch out.

You used to do all kinds of genres on "MonsterVision,"

and I love that. -True. Okay, Jeff,

we don't get that many complaints about "Heathers,"

so I think you're in the minority,

but you enjoy being in the minority.

So hang in there, bud. And coming up after the break,

we have yet another "Jaws" rip-off flick

because that's what we're doing tonight.

But in the meantime, I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

for Darcy the Mail girl, reminding you

that we're all born naked,

wet, and hungry, and then things get worse.

[Laughter]

-And the drive-in will never die.

You know, people started coming up to me

at our public appearances

and they'll say, "Hey, here's a joke for you.

It's really bad. You'll love it."

In other words, they're giving me jokes

to tell on the air that are, by definition,

terrible because they want me to bomb.

They want to see me bomb with the joke at the end.

-I feel like they know that's your reputation.

-Okay. So this one came in from the outside.

This this one came in from frequent correspondent

Victoria Boatwright of Blacksburg, Virginia.

So I hope I do it justice.

Two antenna meet on a roof.

They fall in love and get married.

The wedding ceremony wasn't very good,

but the reception was excellent.

-Aw, that was cute. -All right.

Well, you can't criticize it because it comes from a fan.

-True.

-Now that you're a blonde again,

am I precluded from blonde jokes? Can I tell --

-Go for it. -All right.

Three women are about to be executed

by firing squad for their crimes.

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

So the guards bring the brunette forward,

and the executioner asks if she has any last requests,

and she says, "No."

So the executioner yells, "Ready, aim --"

And suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!"

And everybody gets startled and they look around

to see what she's talking about, and she escapes.

-Hmm. -So the guards are really angry,

but they next bring the redhead forward.

And the executioner asks her if she has any last requests.

And she says, "No."

So the executioner yells, "Ready, aim --"

And suddenly the redhead screams, "Tornado!"

And again, everybody's startled.

They look around for the tornado,

and she escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde has figured this thing out.

So the guards bring her forward.

The executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says, "No." So the executioner yells,

"Ready, aim --"

And the blond screams, "Fire!"

-[Laughs]

-I like the first one better. -What?

-The first joke was better.

-You liked the fan joke better than that joke?

-Yeah. That was a long way to go.

A long way to go. -It's because you're a blonde.

-Ha!

[Laughter]