All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-In.With.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S20E17.Alligator.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

-♪ I been thinking
'bout my trailer ♪

♪ And the way it used to sway ♪

♪ When the mattress springs
were squealin' high ♪

♪ And the roaches ran away ♪

♪ But now you're gone
to Memphis... ♪

-Well, yeah.

I have been told that
you can add three years

to your life-span by spending
four years on a Peloton.

-♪ ...roaches... ♪

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪♪

-Okay, Darcy.

We're in the middle
of the summer.

Everybody's flocking
to the beaches.

You know what it's time for.

-Sunscreen?

-No! "Jaws" rip-off night.
-Hell yeah.

-All right. Oversized mutant
creatures terrifying

the populace while the
authorities try to cover it up

and the experts tell us
it's only going to get worse

with a lot of closeup
body chomping

and one dedicated
law enforcement type

who considers the creature
his personal enemy.

Does that about sum it up?
-I think so.

-That's the plots
of all of them.

All depends on the animal,
though, right?

-What do you mean?

-Well, this particular subgenre,

which I'm calling
"Jaws rip-off,"

requires an animal
that's familiar, aggressive,

and when it gets just
a little larger than normal,

a menace to mankind.

"Moby Dick" becomes "Jaws"

becomes "Alligator,"
tonight's first feature.

Oh, and another trope in this
is the vicious creature

has to threaten middle America,
suburban America.

It has to be killing
innocent members

of the Methodist Church
and the Elks Club.

And children's dentists
are dying.

You know, paper boys
are being eviscerated.

The family dog
is in danger.

Stupid White people
are trembling in fear

all over the country.
Right, Darcy?

-I kind of get what you mean.
-Okay.

These movies are always
a little out of date, though,

when it comes to portrayals
of middle America.

You know, those middle-class
subdivisions

never look quite right

because the art direction
on on these films

is stuck in the '50s.

-What do you mean?

-Well, you know,
any time I go to a new town,

I like to drive around
and look at the neighborhoods,

see how people live.

And people stopped having front
lawns and porches 40 years ago.

I mean, you really
can't drive around

and look at neighborhoods
anymore, actually,

because there are these high,
thick walls around the houses

and there's walls
around the subdivisions

and there are walls around the
houses inside the subdivisions

and their walls
around the backyards and walls

around the front yards
and walls

between the house
and the highway

and the house and the boulevard
and the house and the mall.

And some people,
to save money on a wall,

they just build their house
right up to the property line

so they don't even
have a front yard.

They probably have some kind
of walled courtyard

inside the house where they
can have barbecues and stuff.

But all those trendy
suburban subdivisions,

they're fortresses.

-Yeah, that is kind of true
in my neighborhood, actually.

-I wonder whether
they're hiding from the people

outside the neighborhood,

you know, like they're
in a bad part of town,

or whether all the people
inside the neighborhood

are hiding from one another.

'Cause the richer
the neighborhood,

the higher the walls.
And, yeah, you live in LA.

You know this, 'cause if you
drive through, like, Bel-Air,

you can't see a single house

because the walls
are up to 12 feet high.

They line both sides
of all the streets.

Not that you'd be able to stop.

The cops would run you
out of there

quicker than the pope
in a Baptist church.

So those houses are not
to be seen, you know.

You know, eyes forward,
young man.

You know, in Malibu, you can't
even drive into the city

because the walls start
at the highway.

The roads themselves
are private in Malibu.

And it's not just
paranoid Californians.

You can see this in subdivisions
in places like Dallas

and Tampa and Des Moines,
you know,

places where the houses
cost like less than $100,000.

But part of that money
goes to a privacy fence

or a security wall.

You know, I don't know
what people are thinking,

but if they're doing it
for safety, big mistake.

Burglar shows up.

All he's got to do
is get over that wall

and then he can't be seen
from the street.

Makes your house more attractive
to a criminal.

Second story, man.

If people are
doing it for privacy,

okay, I guess I understand that,
but wouldn't it be better

when you could sit out
on your front porch

and look all the way down
to the end of the street

and see grass and trees
and pink flamingos

and lawn sprinklers
and all that stuff?

I mean, how does putting
a dang wall up help your life?

It just cuts you off from
everything you could look at

that's halfway attractive.

Makes you a stranger
to your neighbors.

Makes you feel like
you've crawled

into some dark hole somewhere.

So -- But I know
this is what people want.

And if this is what people want,

that's what Realtors
will provide.

-This is one
of your stranger rants.

-Yeah, it is.
-And I'm really anxious to see

how this relates
to man-eating alligators.

-Well, there was
one other time in history

when people lived like this.

It was the Middle Ages
from about 400 AD to 1500 AD.

And people were so afraid
of outside forces

that they built castles,
right?

And then they built moats
around the castles.

And then they spent
huge amounts of money on armies.

And some modern subdivisions
do have moats,

actually, I've seen them,
you know.

So we're building
the walled castles

and we're building the moats
and we're hiring the armies

in the form of these
private security guards

and alarm systems
that we have.

But if you go to one of those
European castles today,

you'll notice it's only tourists
who go inside those walls today.

The Europeans
don't live that way anymore.

They live out in the countryside
where they can see one another.

You know why? They figured out
it doesn't work.

It makes you mean
and it makes you lonely

and it makes you paranoid.
-I'm waiting.

-Okay. Well, when I was a boy,
when you went to the carnival,

you often came home
with a baby animal.

-Like a puppy?

-No, like a turtle
or a salamander.

Or one of those chicks
that was colored purple.

-Oh, I've seen
those at Easter.

-Or an alligator.
You grew up in South Carolina.

They must have had those
in South Carolina.

-My parents would
never allow that.

-Because what would happen
after you got home with it?

-It would get bigger.

-Or before it got bigger,

Mom would secretly flush it
down the toilet and lie to you

and say it escaped to live
a happy life in the woods.

Right?
-That happened?

-That's how we end up
with all the urban legends,

which maybe are not just urban
legends, about alligators

in the sewers and the subways
of New York City, for example.

-You would know about that.

-And it sounds
really plausible

because, when you go down
into the subway,

especially late at night,

you always do see creatures
down there.

I mean, usually it's just rats,
but it can be possums,

there's squirrels, there's cats,

and they're always
feral and ratty looking.

And you wonder what they've been
feeding off down there.

-Didn't you already do
this story when we did "CHUD"?

-No, not really, because
the Cannibalistic Humanoid

Underground Dwellers
turned out to be,

you know,
just homeless people

who were exposed
to toxic waste disposal.

Whereas I'm talking about pets

that are purchased
by tourists...

Actually, yeah.
It's the same plot as "CHUD."

Damn. Okay.
[Chuckles]

-I thought you said
it's the same plot as "Jaws."

-Well, it's mostly "Jaws,"
but it's got some "CHUD" in it.

Not to mention a touch
of "Soylent Green" in this plot.

Anyway, I just wanted
to warn people at the outset.

If you go to a gator farm
on vacation this summer,

do not buy a baby gator
for little Wilbur to take home.

And if you do buy a gator
for little Wilbur to take home,

do not flush it down the toilet.

Take it to Gator Rescue
or whatever.

-Aw. Gator Rescue?

-I'm sure they have
gator rescues somewhere.

Because we don't want
any CHUD gators

lurking around
the subway system.

-No, we do not.

-And if we do find
some CHUD gators,

we want to humanely extract them
and sell them to a sideshow.

-[Scoffs] You're awful.

-I don't know what you would do
with a CHUD gator,

since it would truly be
a ticking time bomb certain

to eat an elementary school
student at some point.

-They do have animal rescue
places where you can take them.

-You can?
-Mm-hmm.

-Until it eats all the interns.
I mean...

-Maybe we should
just watch "Alligator."

-Of course. All right.

"Alligator" is the sensitive
story of a cop

who keeps having to go down into
the sewers of a midwestern city

and retrieve random arms, legs,
and other body parts

that have been chewed off
by a giant mutant alligator

that only he has
actually witnessed,

causing friction
with his chief,

the herpetologist
he has the hots for,

and the other badges
in the locker room,

not to mention
the goofball mayor

who turns out to be
the errand boy

for a millionaire industrialist
who's doing hormone research

using puppies as
laboratory animals.

Puppies, Darcy!
The man is stealing puppies

for his
diabolical experimentation.

Resulting in romance,
the devouring

of several character actors,
and a SWAT team speedboat chase

with automatic weapons fire.

Sure, we've seen it before,
but have we seen it with

a "where does the monster
poop" scene?

I think not.

Let's look at those drive-in
totals and get started.

We have...

[Laughs]

Drive-In Academy Award

nominations for James Ingersoll

as the creepy researcher
who says, "We cut the larynx

when they first come in."

Dean Jagger as Mr. Big,

Michael V. Gazzo as
the bombastic police chief,

Henry Silva
as the big game hunter

who demonstrates
the gator love call and says,

"Oh, yes, the lizard lady.

Now you can go back
to your books."

Robert Forster as the cop
trying to redeem himself

for saying,
"I feel wonderful,

I'm going to find that alligator
and kick his ass."

And John Sayles,
the screenwriter,

for lines like,
"At least in Florida,

they keep them in the swamps
where they belong."

Three stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

You know, the movie starts off

with an alligator
wrestling sequence.

Which...

It reminds me of when my parents
would take us to

Hot Springs, Arkansas,
when I was really young.

And we would all -- we would
always want to go to two places,

the IQ Zoo and the Arkansas
Alligator Farm,

because they would have hundreds
and hundreds of alligators.

But they wouldn't be that scary
when you first got there

because, you know,
they'd lay on each other.

They'd kind of stretch out
on the rocks and sleep

and it's just
one big gator pile.

You know, sometimes
they're not even moving.

And, so, they'd have to poke
them and wake them up.

Darcy...

Yeah, that's exactly
what they looked like.

Thank you, Darcy.
So they'd have to poke them

so that they could
wrestle the alligators.

They did that thing
where they put their head

in the gator's mouth.

Should I put my head
in your mouth?

-Do it.

-That's okay.
We'll do that later. All right.

-What was that other place,
the IQ Zoo?

-Well, that was this place where
you could play tic-tac-toe

against a chicken.
And the --

-What?
-The chicken --

Yeah.
The chicken would always win.

The chicken was great
at tic-tac-toe.

They had a basketball-playing
rabbit, you know,

and he would sometimes miss,

but usually he would, like,
hit the three-pointer.

They had -- They had a rabbit
that drove a fire truck.

-You're making that up.
-No!

They had a chicken
that played baseball.

They had they -- had a duck
that played a guitar.

They dressed the duck
up like Elvis

and he played the guitar.

-How did a chicken
play baseball?

-Well, the chicken had
a little baseball bat

and it was like,

you know, it was attached
to a spring-action thing.

And it hit the ball
and it ran to first base.

And then,
you could hit the ball,

and the chicken
would run to second base.

And every time
you paid a quarter,

the chicken would do something.

So it really encouraged you
to, like, spend four quarters

so it would go all the way,
you know, get back to home.

-And all this was in Arkansas.

-Hot Springs, Arkansas. Yeah.
Gateway to vacationland.

They had a hamster
who could fly on a trapeze.

They had a roller
skating parrot.

-Now I know you're lying.
-No. Arkansas tourism, Darcy.

They don't mess around.

♪♪

[Insects buzzing,
birds chirping]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

[Alligator hisses,
audience exclaims]

-Whoa! And you thought that was

just an old, dead log
lying there.

I tell ya, these gators are
mean, they're real.

By the way, folks, you can get

your own genuine Florida baby
alligator

and other Sentinel souvenirs
at the concession stand --

Okay, you get yourself
a genuine alligator

at the stand back there.
-[Yells]

[Host continues indistinctly,
man yelling]

-They could do without
the fake blood.

-It's real, mama.

-Aah!

-Don't worry, folks.

-Get him off him, get him off!

-Why don't they shoot it?

-If they could turn it on its
back, it'll fall asleep.

-We've got it under control.
-Aah!

-Stay calm now, we got
everything under control.

Don't worry about it,
we'll get him out of there.

See, he's okay, folks.

♪♪

Well, now, we promised you
gator wrestling, folks,

and, uh, sometimes gators win.

Hey, a big hand for
Bobby Brazell, everybody.

Bobby Brazell.
[Applause]

Attaboy, Bobby. He'll be back on
his feet next week, folks.

-Honey, they're
vicious animals.

Did you see what it
did to that man today?

Oh, come on, honey.
It's starting to rain.

-What about
when it grows up?

-I'll give it to a zoo.

-Pick yourself a cute one,
honey.

Go ahead. They won't hurt you.

They're tender little babies.

Come on.

There they go.
-Oh. Oh.

-I'll call him Ramon.

-Yuck.
-Cute.

-Oh come on,
let's go, honey.

Here's your house.
Why don't you go in

and go to bed now because I have
to have to go to bed, too.

When you get up, I'll
be going to school

and you'll be taking your
alligator bus to school.

And then you'll be
going to school here

and there's all sorts of stuff
that you'll like there.

There's some fish and
crickets and insects.

You'll love living here, Ramon.
It's so fun.

Ramon, it's time to go to bed.

-The city of Chicago remains
in chaos this morning.

Hundreds of rioters disrupted
the 1968 Democratic Convention

clashing with Mayor Daley's
police force late last night.

Hundreds were injured and
traffic has been...

-Marisa!
-Oh, my God!

-Marisa!
-She's not home!

-Well, where
the hell is she then?

-She's at school at
the science fair.

Now what are you gonna do
with that?

-I'm gonna get rid of it.

There's alligator turds behind
the clothes hamper!

-And what are you gonna tell
Marisa?

-We'll tell
her we found it dead

like we did with the hamsters!

-No, Bill.

-We'll give him a burial at sea.

[Toilet flushes]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-All right guys. Sorry.

[Dog whines]

I think we got him.

What do you say there, kid?

-I know just what
you're going through.

-What are you looking at?

-The patch on the back,
the thinning in the front.

You know what I mean?
Same thing.

Same thing, you know?

-Yeah.

Okay, what is that? 15.90.

Had another one. They swiped him
out in front of a grocery store.

Must have been in there
two minutes and bingo.

-Yeah, that sure goes on a lot
around this neighborhood.

Did you call the cops?

-I am the cops.

Name was Snaps,
the one that got grabbed.

-[Chuckles]

I know just how you feel.

They're kind of cute. You...

you kind of get attached to
them, don't you?

-Yeah, you sure do.

[Pager beeping]
Oh, duty calls.

Well, thank you.

Uh, you got any advice on him?

-Keep your shoes off the floor
for a couple of months.

He's teething.
-Thanks.

All right, kid.

[Parrot squawks]

[Water rushing]

-How do you
suppose it got this way?

-It looks like
it was chewed off.

-Yeah, it's
a working man's hand.

We'll get some scrapings
off these calluses.

-Anything else?

-Yeah, they found a Lhasa Apso

floating in
the same sludge tank.

-What is that?
Some kind of pooch?

-Yeah, some kind of dog.

They got a line on
who it might be.

-Uh-huh?

-Yo! Homicide in here?

-Yeah, that's me.

-Chief wants you outside.
He's got a lady, she owns a dog.

-Be right there.

-We got a big toe
in the morgue once.

Nothing else, just a big toe.

-Yeah?
-Never found the rest of him.

But we figured out who it was.

Had a funeral and everything.

-Must've been
a pretty small casket.

-I checked it out. There's only
three of that breed registered

in the whole state.

Now, a lady called in and
reported it lost two months ago.

-What kind of shape
is it in now?

-The body hasn't
decomposed a bit,

but all the internal organs
had been cut out

clean as a whistle.

Larynx cord's cut, too.

-It looks so much like Taffy.

-Mrs. Lewis?

This is Detective Madison.

-Hi.

-It looks exactly like Taffy,
but it's way too big.

You know, she has
the same markings,

the same color, everything.

This fit her two months ago
when I lost her.

-This sweater fit this dog?
-Uh-huh.

-[Kisses, whistles] Come on.

[Dogs whining]

Get in there.

See if you can
make some friends.

[Dogs whining]

Come on, Tucker.
Here we go.

-I'm going to need a lot more of
those for this experiment.

-How about some cats?
I got plenty of cats.

-Puppies.

-I also got a parrot
I'd like to get rid of.

-Puppies.

And we're through with those.
You can dump 'em.

-Right.

Oh, my God.

Say, you know, a cop came by
my store this morning.

Almost wet my pants.

I'm scared, you know.

I'm really scared.

Maybe I ought to...

Maybe I ought to lay low for
a while, huh?

-Gutchel, I need
a lot more animals.

The old man's breathing down
my neck for results.

Now get cracking.
-Right.

Puppies.

-Puppies.

-Puppies.
-Puppies.

[Children chattering]

-Callan?

-Yeah?

-They tell me you're a friend
of Edward Norton's?

-That's right. So what?

-Well, his timecard
for last Friday

said that he punched
out at three o'clock,

but his wallet and street
clothes are still in his locker.

-Yeah, well, I
punched out for him.

He's okay, isn't he?

-Where was the last
place you saw him?

-Well, it must have been Friday.

We were opening up a section
of the old system

down by the drug works there.

[Basket rattling]

-[Groans]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

You're a mangy little critter.

Don't you give me
any trouble, now.

Oh.

Bastard.

[Foreboding music]

♪♪

Ugh, God.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Coughs]

Oh, shit.

Not that bunch.

Well...

Not exactly the Nile.

I gotta get you
little suckers movin'.

♪♪

Come on.

♪♪

Now watch it.

[Muttering]

♪♪

[Screaming]
-[Growling]

-You know,
if this keeps up,

I'm going to open
a spare parts shop.

-This isn't the guy
the arm came from.

-How can you tell?

-This guy cut his nails square.

The other one rounded them off.

What was he wearing on his feet?
Wearing boots?

-No, he's wearing alligator
wing tips with lifts in 'em.

-Not your regulation sewer gear.

-Yeah, we got one
here and, you know,

forensics came up with something

very interesting in his sock.
-What?

-Kitty litter.

The guy must have
been a cat fanatic.

-Yes, we do quite a bit of
in vivo research.

-You ever do business with
a pet store owner named Gutchel?

-All of our subjects
are either bred here

or we purchase them
from the city pound.

-What happens when you run
out of test animals?

-We have to suspend research.
That does happen.

-You're a hormone guy, right?
-Yes.

-Just hypothetically,
is it possible for a mature dog

to double its size in, say,
a two-month period?

-No, not at the present time.

Look, detective, I'd like to
be more help to you,

but like I said, when we're done
with the subjects,

they're taken back to
the pound for cremation.

It's all very carefully
regulated by the humane society.

-Is it possible for one of
these dogs to get loose

and wind up in the sewer system?

-No.

No way.

[Dog whining]

-They're very quiet.

-Pardon?
-I say, your test animals

are very quiet.

-Oh, yes, well, we cut the
larynx when they first come in.

It helps keep
the noise level down.

-That it does.

[Whining]

-Stop tap dancing around it,
son. [Chuckles]

You just got caught with your
pants down, that's all.

-Well, we're very close to that
synthetic hormone, sir,

and I thought that
we should go ahead and --

-Yes, what did the police
really have on you?

-Well, Gutchel was paid out
of the slush fund,

so there's no way he can be
tied to the company.

Uh, I've disposed of any animals
that could be traceable.

It's just this guy,
Madison that was here --

-Yes, yes, yes. Um...

I'll put in the -- in the fix.

-Pardon?
-Well, it's not the police

we have to worry about.

No, it's those damn yellow
journalists that's the trouble.

They're out to ruin
our public image.

-Yes, sir.

-Yes, now will you get on back
to your chemistry set,

and I'll take care
of everything.

We'll put in the fix.

Don't worry about a thing.
Go on, go on.

-Thank you, sir.
-Yes.

Don't talk to any reporters.

-Yes, sir.

-I don't know why
I'm supposed to talk to 'em.

-Because it's your case.

You got to face the music.

Jesus, don't you own a razor?

-I was in a hurry this morning.

-In a hurry? For Christ's sake,
you were a half hour late.

-These reporters are assholes.

-You just watch your
language in there.

-Edward Norton worked for
the sanitation department

for 25 years.

-Have you identified
the other victim?

And what do you know about him?

-Luke Gutchel, he
operated a pet store.

-And Gutchel, didn't he have
a criminal record?

-No comment.
-Detective, is there any

evidence
to link the two murders?

-Well, we don't know
that it was a murder.

Second of all,
that would be evidence.

I wouldn't be able
to comment on it.

-Is there anything
you can comment on?

-Next question.

[Reporters talking over
one another]

-Say that again, please?
-How could the bodies have

found their way in
to the sewer system?

-In this city, we use
a combination sewage

and drainage system, therefore,
the bodies could have

found their way into
the system at any point.

-Can you give us a cause of
death in each case?

-The bodies were dismembered.

We're waiting on
the coroner's report.

-Can you tell us at least if
they were similar?

-The bodies were dismembered.

-Are you withholding
information?

-No comment.
-Do you think there might be

a Jack the Ripper-type killer
operating in the city?

-It's a little too early to
speculate on that kind of --

-[Whispers indistinctly]
-What do you think the motive

might've been in these slayings?

-Raise newspaper circulation.
Look, I can't do this.

[Reporters chattering]

-As you can see, we have

very little information
at the moment.

Now, if you'll excuse
us, Detective Madison

and I have work to do.
-Officer Madison, aren't you

the same David Madison who lost
his partner

in the Hotel Baldwin incident
in St. Louis?

-Yeah.
-I believe, in that case,

your partner was stabbed to
death, wasn't he?

-He was shot.

-That's right. I'm sorry.

[Reporters chattering]

-We will keep you posted.

Thank you.

-You ought to let me break that
stolen pet angle.

Give 'em somethin' to chew on.

-You look terrible, David.

When you're representing
the department,

you should take the time --
-Look, Chief,

I had a tough night last night.
I had one of those bad dreams.

Didn't get me much sleep.

I didn't shave this morning,
so gimme a break.

-David, you can't let that
Baldwin Hotel thing throw you.

Now, that was five years ago,
and nobody blames you.

-Yeah. Tell that
to the newspapers.

Thanks.

[Ominous music]

♪♪

I need somebody to check out
a sewer with me.

Champsky?

-I got a court appearance today.

-Uh-huh.

Meyer? Spinola?

-We're at Marquette Hill today.

Don't think the Chief
would pull us.

-Sloan, what are you doin'?

-Paper work.
-What is it, my breath?

Shoot fingers or somethin'.
I need somebody.

-I'll go.

-You're it.

-Yeah, well, I'm gonna need some
boots or something.

I just shined my shoes,
and I don't wanna get 'em wet.

-You bet.
-You bet.

-You hit some methane pockets,
these will help you.

-Righto.

-Who cuts your hair, Madison?

-I do mostly. Why?

-You oughta see a hair stylist.

You let your hair grow down
and whip it across,

nobody will be able to see it.

-Sir?

-Yeah?

-I killed a man in the sewer.

-Madison.

-[Whispers] Crazy.

-Well, look, you give us
a second,

I'll take you down
to Sergeant Reynolds.

He'll take your confession.

-No, sir. I didn't
come to confess.

I came to...

kill the rest of you.

-I see.

How do you intend to do that?

I'm wired to explode.

You two.

Don't move.

[Beeping]
Your time is running out.

Now, I-I-I-I cut him up
with my matte knife.

I'm a picture framer.

-Why would you do it, son?

-They told me to.

-Who told you?

-Them.

On the radio.

-Madison, he's bluffing.

Take him to the left.
-Cool it, Kelly.

-Don't move! Uh...

I'll kill us all!

They told me to.

♪ On the radio, oh ♪

♪ On the radio ♪

-Kid, take your finger away from
that button, please.

-Kelly!
-They told me to.

The voices. Don't you see?
The voices. The voices.

-Hey, buddy.
Buddy, you wanna know the truth?

I used to be a left-hander,
they made me a right-hander.

I wanted to be a priest,
they made me into a cop.

You wanna blow the joint up,
I don't care what you do.

I stopped wantin' to be a cop
about last week. I have...

[Object clattering]
-Don't even blink.

-Okay, what do I --
-Don't do anything yet.

Look on the side.
It's not on this side.

There's gotta be
a little button.

It's got to be right near
the counter.

-Got 11 seconds more.
-Okay.

-All right. Nine seconds more.

-[Grunts]
-Pull it.

-I got it! I got it, I got it.

-Now, don't anybody move.
Hold him real tight.

-I got him.

-All right, let's see
what we got here.

[Upbeat music playing]
It's a radio.

[All sighing]

-Next time, try "Lawrence Welk."

-Hey, Sloan with
all the paperwork,

come here and book this guy.

-Puppy trafficking, Darcy.
Puppy trafficking.

Puppy stalking,
puppy abductions,

puppy vivisection,
puppy larynx snipping,

puppy dumping.

-I know. It's horrifying.

-Are we going to get social
media flack for showing this?

-I don't think so.

-Because I don't know
what the rules are anymore.

I used to think we only
make warnings if a real animal

is going to be killed
on the screen.

But the last time
we got in trouble,

it involved a fake cat.
So I don't know.

I mean, I can guarantee you
no puppies got harmed,

but we had a lot of puppy
harmed depictions.

And not to mention we have
an alligator terrorizing a city.

So I'm going to have to assume
the gator is going to have,

at the very least,
some combat wounds.

So I don't know.

-I think we're safe
when it's a creature feature.

-Could you even
make "Jaws" today?

You know, you could only make
"Jaws" if the whole cast died

and the shark got
a lifetime catering deal.

You know, Uber Eats for Sharks,

random body parts delivered
daily to the shark because --

-Stop exaggerating.

I don't think
there's anything in this movie

that's going to alarm PETA.

-You say that now, but one
thing the movie has going for it

is that the first victim
of the mutant gator

is a sewer worker
named Ed Norton.

And of course, Ed Norton,

that was Art Carney's character
in "The Honeymooners,"

you know, and he was famous
for his jokes about the sewer.

So it kind of indicates
they won't be taking

the subject matter
that seriously.

And by the way, a lot of critics
who have written

about this movie
say that it's set in Chicago.

And the only reason they say
that is because of that

early scene where the radio
is blaring out about police

are beating people up
on the streets of Chicago.

But all that does is establish
the time of the movie,

the time that the baby gator
was flushed down the toilet,

1968, because the cops
beating up protesters

at the 1968
Democratic Convention

was hot news everywhere,
not just in Chicago.

And when we see
the establishing shot of,

what is it, Gutchel's Pet Store,

you know, it looks like it's on
the main street of a small town

or maybe one of those
charming suburbs,

you know, outside of big city.

But it doesn't look
like Chicago.

Anyway,
"Alligator" came out in 1980,

so that would line up
perfectly with the timeline,

not to mention implying
that Marisa's mean daddy

is just like those Chicago
cops --

indifferent to life,
out of touch.

"Alligator" was written
by John Sayles.

-Hmm.

-Known today as a writer/
director of quirky indie films.

But at the time
this came out,

he was mostly known for being
one of the go-to writers

at Roger Corman's
New World Pictures.

He wrote "Piranha"
for Joe Dante.

Very similar plot wise
to this film, by the way.

He was double dipping.

And then he wrote an excellent
picture for Julie Corman,

Roger's wife and producing
partner,

called "The Lady in Red."

And "The Lady in Red"
starred Pamela Sue Martin

as the prostitute who fell
in love with John Dillinger

and eventually became
a bank robber herself.

And that movie underperformed
at the box office, as they say.

But it had a direct connection
to this movie

because it was the debut film
of Lewis Teague,

who was moving up from the
editing department at New World.

And Robert Forster was brilliant
in a small role in that movie

as Turk, the hit man.

So when Lewis Teague
got his hands

on the first script
for "Alligator,"

he said he would direct it,

but only if John Sayles
did a rewrite on it,

and he wanted Robert Forster
for the lead.

And, man, was that
a good choice.

This is Bobby Forster at the
prime of his career as Madison,

the cop with a checkered past
and a receding hairline.

And all those male pattern
baldness jokes,

by the way, those were written
by Robert Forster himself

in an effort
to humanize the character.

Plus, he thought
it was a natural thing

to put in the movie,
since he had just discovered

that he did have
a receding hairline.

And but he put in a great
performance on "Alligator."

He fills up the screen
every time you see him.

But if you're a fan of top-tier
Hollywood character actors,

this is the movie for you.
The pet store guy,

that's the great Sydney Lassick
who played dozens of neurotics,

weaklings, unbalanced types
over the years,

probably best known for his role
as Charlie Cheswick,

the whiny, infantile
mental patient

in "One Flew Over
the Cuckoo's Nest."

We have a lot of "Carrie" fans
who watch this show.

He was also the mean, sarcastic
English teacher in "Carrie"

who gets electrocuted.
Method actor.

Graduate of Pasadena Playhouse.

One of those guys
who had to audition

for every role he ever got.

He worked as a dispatcher
at a trucking company

throughout his career,
because he was always afraid

he wouldn't get
that next acting job.

But he always did get
that next acting job.

So they must have been pissed
at the trucking company.

How many days he took off.

The obnoxious reporter
asking embarrassing questions

at the press conference,
that's Bart Braverman

frequently seen
in Corman movies.

Been in a thousand TV shows.

The nerdy guy with the fake bomb
strapped to his chest,

that's John Lisbon Wood,
highly respected playwright,

theater actor,
character guy, Vietnam vet.

The guy who plays Mr. Big,

the CEO of the evil
growth hormone company,

the guy who says
he'll "put the fix in."

You know, I don't think you can
even call him a character actor.

That's the notorious
Dean Jagger.

This was the last film
in a career

that had started in 1929
with a silent film,

"The Woman from Hell"
with Mary Astor.

Dean Jagger,

he was an Academy Award winner

for his role in
"Twelve O'Clock High."

But his career was tarnished
by the fact that he was

one of the biggest supporters
of Senator Joseph McCarthy,

the communist -- guy
who hunted the communists.

And even to the point that when
Dean Jagger got hired to star

in "X the Unknown" in 1956,

he got Joseph Losey
fired as the director

because of his alleged
communist ties.

So, anyway, politics aside,

Dean Jagger had
a long career in horror.

He was in
"Revolt of the Zombies" in 1936.

The general public
remembers him

mostly as the alcoholic sheriff
in "Bad Day at Black Rock"

or the old prospector with
the rattlesnakes

in "Vanishing Point."

But I remember him
from "White Christmas"

because they show
that every Christmas.

Remember at the end
of "White Christmas," Danny Kaye

is pretending to be injured

so he can distract
the retired general

and Bing Crosby
can go on TV

and ask people
to come to Vermont

for a Christmas broadcast

to honor their commanding
officer from World War II.

So Dean Jagger is the general
who makes the speech at the end.

So, anyway, last time
we would ever see

Dean Jagger is in this movie.

But, wait, there is
one more legend

that we've already seen
just 20 minutes into the movie,

and that would be
the police chief

played by Michael V. Gazzo.

Now, Michael Gazzo, he got
an Oscar nomination for his role

as Frank Pentangeli
in "The Godfather Part II."

Remember, Robert Duvall
goes to see him in prison,

and they talk about the
traditions of the old Romans.

And without saying it,
Pentangeli assures him

that he will do
the honorable thing

and commit suicide,
which he does.

And that little two-minute scene
between Duvall and Gazzo,

that's a damn near perfect
combination of writing,

acting, and direction.

So, anyway,
Michael Gazzo was another

one of those character actors,

more famous as a writer
than as an actor.

He wrote a hit Broadway play

called "A Hatful of Rain"
early in his career.

Ben Gazzara, Tony Franciosa
they won all the awards for it.

In fact, Tony Franciosa
got an Oscar nomination

for the film version
of "A Hatful of Rain" in 1957.

But Gazzo also had
a major supporting role

in "On the Waterfront."

Lots of other Actors Studio
productions

in the '50s and '60s.

But he was also a very
in-demand screenwriter.

He wrote "King Creole"
for Elvis.

He worked right up
until his death in 1995.

He had a famous
acting workshop in LA.

He had numerous writing credits
for Italian television

since he wrote
in both languages.

So, sorry, Darcy.
Really long break. Sorry.

-You say that like
it's a new thing.

-All right.

Well, with this much
Hollywood history in the movie,

you know, had to get in --
get it all in,

especially people
like Sydney Lassick,

who might not be
that well remembered.

-I get that
and I appreciate it,

but we should
probably move on now.

-Oh, yeah. Okay.
Back to the movie.

-Thank you.

-I thought they would have
more alligator wrestling.

That opening scene was not
that impressive, you know?

-Are you a fan
of alligator wrestling?

Sounds like it might be
a little cruel.

-No, it's very woke, Darcy.

It was invented
by the Seminole Indians.

They started doing it
for tourists

more than 100 years ago.
It's Native American.

Really, it's just a technique
you use to sneak up on the gator

if you're going to
have him for dinner.

-Oh, gross.

-No, I mean, they always say
it tastes like chicken, right?

You know, gator meat,
just like rattlesnake meat,

tastes like chicken.
Well, if it tastes like chicken,

why don't you just
kill a chicken.

-Or just eat vegan chicken?
-That's not chicken.

-But it tastes like chicken.
Tastes like seitan.

-I'm surprised you know
what seitan is.

-It's gross. It's some
kind of rubbery wheat goo.

-And alligator meat
is not gross?

-Seminole Indians,
Darcy, it's Native American.

It's a delicacy.
It's part of the heritage

of the first Americans who were
here before Americans were here.

So we should honor
their traditions.

They eat gator meat.

-We can honor their traditions
in other ways.

-They own the Hard Rock Casino
in Florida.

-There you go.
Gambling at the Hard Rock

would be a good way
to support the Seminoles.

-Or go into the Hard Rock,
order some gator meat

in the Hard Rock restaurant,
reward them twice.

You know,
give them some more money.

-Just stop talking, please.

[Laughter]

-Okay.

-Did you see the look on that
guy's face?

-I want to know why you
thought he was bluffin'.

-Well, you can't
live forever, huh?

-Ain't gonna last long in
the cops with that attitude.

-We'll see.

Oh, boy.

Whoo, look at this place!

[Water trickling]

Heard you used to
work in St. Louis.

-Yeah.

-Why'd you leave?

-I'm sure you must've
heard the story.

-All I heard was, uh,

kind of unhealthy
to work with you.

-Then why'd you volunteer?

-I don't go for that
locker room crap.

Besides, I can take
care of myself.

Know what I mean?

Well...

I can't find it.

-I'm not surprised.
These maps aren't complete.

Some of these tunnels date back
to 1890.

They lose track.
Here you go.

-As long as we get
home before supper.

[Grunts] Oh, my back!

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

-Methane. Use your mask.

Don't light any matches.

Saw a methane explosion
in St. Louis once.

Blew a hole in the street.
Goddamn bus fell through.

-Well, at least we could
find our way out of here.

[Water trickling]

[Mysterious music]

-Where are we?

-According to this? Cleveland.

♪♪

[Splash]

[Kelly laughs]

-I knew a guy like
you in St. Louis.

Wild Bill, they
used to call him.

He'd just kick a door in
and see what happened.

We were down by the ballpark one
time. You know St. Louis?

[Water splashes]

Kelly?

Kelly?

Kelly?

Kelly!

Kelly!

[Ominous music]

Kelly!

♪♪

♪♪

[Rats chittering]

Kelly!

♪♪

♪♪

Kelly!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Dramatic music]

♪♪

[Yelling]
-[Laughs]

-I could've shot you, asshole.

-I thought I was dealin' with
quick-draw Madison.

-Damn.

What do you think?

I think someone's
been here recently.

-Yeah. I think we ought
to come back here

with a crew and really look
this joint over.

-You know, Madison,
I don't mind tellin' ya,

I'm gettin' a little
tired of this soup.

Oh, son of a bitch!

-Wait a minute. I got it.

Here you go. Unroll it one more.

That's it, that's it.

All right, looks like

we just keep goin' down in this
direction,

we ought to hit some
kind of an outlet.

-Get you home for dinner.

-I'm not hungry anymore.

♪♪

♪♪

[Alligator roars]

[Gunshots]

-[Shouts]

[Both yelling]

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

[Shouting]

♪♪

-Go. Keep movin'.

Open it.

-Bitch is stuck.

♪♪

-Push it!

Well move up!
-I am up.

-[Gasps]

-No!

-[Yelling]
-No!

[Alligator growls]

No!

[Splashing]

Kelly?

[Echoing]

[Alligator growling]

Kelly!

[Echoing]

[Tone playing over PA]

-Dr. Kline? Paging Dr. Kline.

Telephone...
-No!

No.

-There you are.

-How'd I get here?

-Well, you just popped out of
a manhole at Campbell Street

and started yelling,
"Alligator."

[Tone playing over PA]

-Holy Jesus.

Kelly.

Kelly.

-Dr. Warner, you're wanted...

-Hey. Hey, hey.
You are not to get --

-David!
-Leave me alone.

What happened to Kelly?
Did you find him?

-Nothing. And not a sign of
you know what, either.

Now look, stay a couple of days.
Just take it easy.

What the hell are you
talking about?

We got to get back down
there.

-You need some rest, David.

-Are you nuts?
You think I'm going to lay

in this bed while a kid I sent
down in the sewer is...

unaccounted for?

-Look, Dr. Leigh
has got to see him.

-Who's this Dr. Leigh?
-He's a psychiatrist.

He just wants to give you
some tests.

-I'll give you some tests.

-You're going to give yourself
a headache.

-You're nuts yourself.
What the hell's the matter

with you guys?
-Hi.

How you feeling?

-What happened,
you lose your paper route?

-What's the matter with you?

Hey, I'm just trying
to write a story.

-Well, invent something.
You know how to do that.

-I hear you lost
another partner.

-We got no comment on that.

-You know, that's getting to be
a habit with you.

I pulled out the files on
the Baldwin Hotel shooting.

-Hey, Kemp. Lay off.

-I'll lay off.

You tell me what happened in
the sewer yesterday.

-No comment.
-Chief, I'm not asking you.

I'm asking Officer Madison.

-And that's exactly what we're
gonna find out, isn't it, Chief?

-Right.

-The largest one ever recorded
was around 15 feet,

but in a sewer,
it's not possible.

Even in a zoo,
they don't grow full size.

-He was bigger than that.

-Excuse me.
-He was huge.

-Tell me something, miss.

Are these your snakes?

-No, they belong
to the university.

I have a couple of non-poisonous
species at home though.

-It was bigger than 15 feet.

-An alligator half that size
would starve in a week.

There's no sunlight.

There are toxic
fluids and gases.

Not to mention the question

of how it got there in
the first place.

-You're looking at the one who
saw it, and it was big.

-You said it was dark.
Now, perhaps you're mistaken.

-Okay.

Thanks very much for your help.

Can I borrow this book?
-You can have it.

-Excuse me.

-Dr. Kendall, could there be
another animal down there

that could possibly
be this size?

-Nothing I know of.

I'm sorry.

-Thank you very much.

-I thought she'd be
some kind of help.

-She's the leading authority.
Now, it was worth a try.

-She's a kid,
she lives with snakes.

What the hell you
talking about?

-Look, I didn't say
she was normal.

I said she had the
word on alligators.

Now, look, why don't
you give it up, Dave?

It's one of your nightmares.

-Nightmare your ass.
There's something down there.

Now, it'll take a lot of guys,
but we'll flush him out.

-The only thing you're going to
take is a leave of absence.

Here. Read it and weep.

Our friend Kemp,
he's got the hots for you.

-"City Detective
Loses Partner Again.

Mysterious circumstances
surround the abrupt

disappearance in a city sewer of
Police Patrolman Jim Kelly,

partner of Detective
David Madison,

while on an official
investigation.

No such mystery surrounds
the death of Jerry Randolph

of the St. Louis Metropolitan
Police who was paired

with Madison on the fatal night
of March 21, 1975."

-"Witnesses report that
Detective Madison's inaction

enabled the three to escape,

wounding Randolph
in the process.

A Board of Inquiry hearing
investigating

the officer's death
made no finding against Madison.

In the more recent
disappearance..."

-Hey, guys.

Nice.

-"...the more recent
disappearance,

city officials have been
unwilling to make any comment.

This reporter, for
one, is not satisfied."

-Well, what kind of dreams?
-Well he was out on meds

most of the time
that he was here.

-What are meds?

-Medication.
-Mm.

-He kept coming up
with some garbage

about alligators
in the sewers.

-Alligators? In the sewers?

-Yeah.

[Water trickling]

[Thudding]

-Nice. Wonderful place.

[Camera clicks]

[Low growling]

-Jesus Christ.
[Rats chittering]

♪♪

[Camera clicking]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Camera clicks]

♪♪

♪♪

[Camera clicking]

♪♪

[Alligator hisses]
-Aah!

No! No! No, please!

[Camera clicking]
[Yelling]

No!

Agh!

♪♪

-All right.

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Although, I have to say,
I'm impressed

that he kept taking
gator pictures

even as he was
being eaten alive.

The reason we have
so many point-of-view shots,

meaning from the gator's
point of view,

is that they had
massive problems

getting the creature to work.
Lewis Teague, the director,

hired Ben Stansbury
to design the alligator,

and Ben Stansbury was
the mayor of Beverly Hills.

I assume he was also
an industrial designer.

But, anyway, I doubt the mayor
of Beverly Hills had ever dealt

with the problem of alligators
in the sewer system.

So Ben Stansbury builds this
giant alligator

about 36 feet long.

It's made of rubber
and it's fashioned around

a frame of rattan and wicker
with wire hinges on it

so the mouth and feet
and tail could move.

And it looked beautiful.
It looked great.

When they took it
out of the warehouse,

it crumbled into dust.

The rubber had gotten dried out.

So they go back
to the drawing board.

Teague said, "Use
Ben Stansbury's original mold

but constructed out
of some other materials."

So Bob Short took over,
and of course,

he was terrified
of the rubber drying out,

so he made it too thick.

It was this really
thick rubber shell

that had to be supported
by an aluminum and steel frame.

So it ended up
weighing a ton

and it was extremely hard
to make it move.

They need the gator
to be able to move fast

because gators actually
can move really,

really fast
for short distances.

And so they hired
two NFL lineman,

300-pound NFL linemen,
to get inside there

and put their legs inside
the rubber legs of the gator

because you had to be really,

really strong
to make those legs move.

So they took it out
to a parking lot to test it out.

And a small crowd gathered
because, hey, giant gator,

who wouldn't stop
to gawk at that?

And Lewis Teague
called out commands

for the football players
to move their legs in unison

in the gator.
And they were able to do it,

but it made the gator look like
it was taking these tiny little

mincing steps like it
was on tippy-toe.

And the crowd just burst
into laughter.

And, so, Teague decided, okay,

we're not going to show
much creature.

And he went to miniatures.

He used small live gators
on miniature sets

when he needed to show
the whole animal.

And by the way,
I should mention the actor

who played Officer Kelly,
that's Perry Lang.

He was in a lot of
exploitation films of that era.

He was the lead in "Teen Lust."

He was in Leon Isaac Kennedy's
"Body and Soul."

He was in "Mortuary Academy."

But his true calling
was writer/director.

He's been doing episodic TV
most of his life.

Journeyman director --
"North Shore,"

"Twilight Zone,"
"Gilmore Girls."

You name it, he's directed at
least one episode

of everything on TV,

with occasional forays
back into acting.

Okay,
Thanks to the sleazy media,

the public now knows
that the gator is real.

The gator is hungry.
The gator is coming to you.

So roll the film.

All right, Darcy --
Darcy went to wardrobe, right?

She's not here, right?

Because I want to quickly
get this in while she's not here

because she does not appreciate
alligator wrestling.

You know, so she wouldn't
even let me say

all of this without, you know.

Anyway, the first
professional alligator wrestler

was Henry Coppinger Jr,
better known as Alligator Boy.

Not to be confused
with Ben Green,

who toured with freak shows
in the '30s

and '40s billing himself
as Alligator Boy.

Or Aloa the Alligator Boy
who toured with

Clyde Beatty Circus.

Or John Williams
the Alligator Man.

You know, he actually was also
called the Human Alligator

or Crocodile Boy.

He used all three names
during his time.

Or actually Jake
the Alligator Man.

Anyway, there was a dozen people
with "alligator" in their name

because they have ichthyosis.

That made a certain
kind of skin,

made them able to work,

being an alligator, you know,

being part alligator
into a carnival act.

Anyway, the alligator boy

I'm talking about was the son
of an Irishman named

Henry Coppinger Sr, who opened
a tourist attraction in Miami

in 1914 called
Coppinger's Tropical Gardens.

And in 1918, he convinced
Jack Tigertail,

who was chief
of the Seminoles,

to move his entire village
from the big Cypress Swamp

to downtown Miami
on the banks of the Miami River,

where tourists could arrive
every day on the steamboat

Dixie, and they would
get off the boat

and tour the tropical gardens
and observe the Seminole Indians

in their natural habitat
and talk to Chief Tigertail.

He was a conversationalist.

And then, Seminole alligator
wrestling technique

would be demonstrated
by Henry Coppinger Jr,

who told everybody that
he learned everything he knew

about alligator wrestling
from the Seminoles.

And an entertainment
industry was born.

That's the beginning of the
Miami entertainment industry.

So, thank you.
Finally got that out.

Undeterred by Mail Girl
interference, you know.

You know those signs

they have in Florida
for the Tamiami Trail?

Have you ever driven that?

And actually all the scenic
highways in Florida,

there's this giant,

solemn Native American
in a kind of a flowing garment.

And he's pointing with his arms
straight out from his shoulder

to tell you
where to turn off the highway.

That is Jack Tigertail
trying to show you

where the alligator
wrestling is.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Puppy whining]

[Puppy whining]

-Marisa Kendall?

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

No, I was awake.

Wait a minute. Slow down.

Kemp?

No.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

-Here's his camera.

It got caught in
a grate by tank five.

-Sure.

And no sign of Kemp?

-The sanitation people,
they won't go in any further.

The rumor is starting to spread.

-Figures.
-Get 'em while they're hot.

-Got anything good, Sparks?

-[Chuckles]
You won't believe it.

-It's a rat.
-No, no. Not that, not that.

Here, look.

-Huh? Huh?

-Holy shit!
-Huh?

-What do you think, Chief?
You believe me now?

-We'll get the snake
lady to take a look.

-Who?
-The herpetologist.

-Imagine, clicking away
with your camera

while that's coming at you.

-Well, he'll make
the front page anyway.

That's all he really wanted.

-Thomas Kemp, the popular
columnist

for The National
Probe Magazine,

is missing and presumed dead.

His camera, the only clue to
his disappearance,

was fished out of
a filtration tank

at the city sewage
works late last night.

The film inside the
camera was salvaged.

-What appeared to be
an abnormally large alligator

or similar reptile
who is now believed

to be responsible for
at least four deaths.

-But as mayor, I tell
you that no effort

and no expense will
be spared by this --

-Professor,
herpetologist, author,

and probably the
leading authority

here in the Midwest on reptile
and amphibian life,

as well as a native
of our own city.

Dr. Kendall,
what animal is it?

-It's an alligator.

-Couldn't it be a --
-There's no question.

It's definitely an alligator.

-I see.
Well how large do you think it

is from the photographs
you've seen?

-If it's been living
in the sewer,

it couldn't be very large.

Even under ideal circumstances,
in a zoo for example,

they don't grow nearly
as large as they would

in their natural habitat.

-This makes it one, two, three,

four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine...

13...

[Ominous music]

Where are you?

[Police sirens wailing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct chattering]

♪♪

♪♪

-Come on, keep 'em coming.

Now come over here.

Move it!

Move!

♪♪

♪♪

-Unit, come in.
-That you, Beau?

-Yeah. Who's this?
-This is Frank.

-Oh, you in position?
-Yeah.

-Unit, come in.
-Yeah, who's this?

-We've got teams moving in from
every possible entry point,

pushing through, converging
in these three main channels

such that there is only one
possible exit, and that is here.

-What if he doesn't run?
-Don't worry.

-It will.
-Oh, Dr. Kendall.

-If you don't corner
it, you'll be fine.

-Detective Madison.

-Who invited her?

-David, we don't know how
this thing is going to react.

Now, maybe she can help us.

-All units
are in position now.

-Thank you. Patch me in, please.

This is Madison.

-Yo, this is Rudy.
We're all ready.

-Look, I didn't believe
you, and I'm sorry.

[Indistinct radio chatter]

-Don't lose any sleep over it.
-We're all ready in here.

-All right, guys,
this is Madison.

Commence operation.

-Command Center, this is
Unit One. We're pushing off.

[Metal clanking]

-Unit Two pushing off.

-This is Unit Three pushing off.

[Metal clanking]

[Metal clanking]

[People whooping]

-Madison, this is Harry.
I'm still waiting for Clark.

I can't raise him on my radio.
Will you try him for me?

-...ends about a quarter-mile
downstream of the waterfall.

[Indistinct radio chatter]

-I'm still
waiting for Clark.

I can't raise him.
Try him for me, will you?

Madison? Madison!

[Metal clanking]

-I don't know what's happened,

but I passed the same spot
three times now.

-Charlie Six, you're just gonna
have to back up about 200 yards,

make a southwest and
then a southerly turn.

-This is Clark...

-You know, I had one once
when I was little.

An alligator.

[Indistinct radio chatter]

My father found it
dead one day, though,

so I didn't get to
keep it very long.

His name was Ramon.

[Indistinct radio chatter]

Actually, they're
not very good pets.

Snakes are a lot better.

-You're a weird
kid, you know that?

-I'm not a kid.

-Anybody younger
than me is a kid.

-I'm really sorry
about your friend.

Must have been
a terrible thing to see.

[Indistinct radio chatter]

[Suspenseful music]

[Metal clanking]

♪♪

♪♪

-Madison, Charlie Three just
called in from here.

They'll be flushing him out
in five minutes.

-Yeah, if he's still in there.

-Where is he going to go?

-Where did he come from,
that's what I'd like to know.

-Oh, Mayor, this
is David Madison.

He's heading up the operation.

-Hunker down, guys.
Here she comes.

Ready positions, let's go!

Into positions!

[Metal clanking
in the distance]

[Gun cocks]

[Metal clanking in the distance]

[Clanking stops]

-Hold your fire!

Hold your fire!

[Laughter]

-Jesus. David.

We'd better go figure out

what we're gonna hand the press
on this one.

-They missed it, Chief.

I don't know how,
but it's still in there.

-Come on, David.
Let's get the hell out of here.

[Ominous music]

-Chief Clark, could you
tell us what happened--

-Nothing! Nothing to say.

Press conference in the morning.

[Tense, mysterious music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Come on! Come on, will ya?
-Over here!

-Let's go! Come on!

-Batter up!

[Rumbling]

[Crackling]

♪♪

[Thudding]

[Alligator roars]

♪♪

[Hissing]

-That's the one on the TV!

[Alligator hissing]

♪♪

Let's get out of here!
Come on! Let's go!

♪♪

[Police siren blaring]

♪♪

♪♪

[Alligator hissing]

♪♪

♪♪

-No!

[Yelling]

God, no!

[Screaming]

It got me! It got me!

Help me!
Help me!

Please help!

[Screaming]

[Bone crunches]

[Screaming]

-Mom!

[Alligator hisses]

Mom! Mom! It's the alligator!

It's the alligator,
it's the alligator!

-Later, Joey, I'm on the phone!
-But it's the alligator!

-I said later!

I'm sorry, Connie.

The kids are outside
playing alligator,

and Joey's drivin' me batty.

Yeah, where was I? Oh, yeah --
Joey, come back here!

Now he's got my bread knife!

Joey! He's drivin' me crazy!

[Police sirens wailing]

[Alligator hissing]

♪♪

[Indistinct radio chatter]

-Will you put
that Goddamn map away?

Look, I gave you 78 men,
you've got the National Guard,

and he's still loose in my city!

And look at the hole he made!

-He'll go for water.

-What?
-He'll go for water.

He's expended a lot of energy
and he'll look for a place

with water to rest.
-That's wonderful!

We got rivers, we got canals,

and we got that lake over there!

[Tense music]

♪♪

The safety of
the public is my job!

-Well, you've got no job
unless I get reelected.

Now, look, this could generate
a lot of good publicity.

And I can't have your people
fumble the ball for us.

That's all.

-Give this lady an idea
of how big he was.

Just a guess.

-Was it as big as he is?

-You know an El Dorado?

-The car. You're kidding.

-No, a refrigerator.
Of course a car.

-Wait a minute.

You're saying it
was as big as a car?

Yeah. Of course,
you've got to add the tail.

-Of course.
-Yeah.

[Tense, mysterious music]

♪♪

-Look at the size of this thing.

This is amazing.
I...

I mean, according to this,
it should be 30 to 40 feet long.

-But it is an alligator?

-David.

This is Colonel Brock --

[Explosions]

-Hey, what the hell is that?

-We're setting off charges to
see if we can bring him up.

-It's a wild animal,
not a submarine.

[Explosion]

-I've flown in Colonel Brock
to take charge of the operation.

-Take charge?

-Yeah, well, he's
hunted big game animals

all over the world.
[Explosion]

-It's a new ball game, Dave.

-What the hell do
you expect me to do?

-You just stay out
from under my feet.

Start right now, guys.

-Now, look, Madison...

-You know, it's not his fault
the alligator got loose.

-Who is this pretty girl?

-Oh, Colonel Brock,
this is Dr. Kendall.

She's the --
-Oh, yes, the lizard lady.

Well, now you can go
back to your books.

-You'd better take
all the help you can get.

You know, I've seen what
this animal can do.

-Well, if I couldn't get myself
killed chasing it,

what fun would it be?

-Get your Alexander
souvenir here.

Hey, want a bump there?

Alexander souvenirs.
Alexander souvenirs.

How about you, bud?
An Alexander for ya?

Take one home to the kiddie.

Alexander?
Hey, how about it?

Alligators here.

-Come and get your alligators.

How 'bout you, pal?

Won't take a bite
out of your pocket...

-Hey! Aren't you
gonna get one, pal?

-Hey, see him shake!
See him wiggle!

Take him home, make ya giggle!

Get 'em! Alligators!
Get 'em, pal! Get 'em, pal!

-Hey, sport.
Wanna see somethin'?

He's yours for 20.

Great pet for the kids.

Feed him whatever's left
on the table,

throw some water on him, huh?
Couple of sausages.

-Ross, Daley.
-Yeah, what's up?

-Bust this guy.
-Come on, what for?

-For being a creep.

Possession of an endangered
species, anything you like.

-This is an attack on
the free enterprise system.

Communist!

-Hi. Are we
live on this thing?

-I believe so.
-Oh, nice. You're very pretty.

But, uh, we're here to talk
about alligators.

Well, look, alligators
respond to sound.

They talk to each
other, call each other.

Listen.

[Imitating alligator growl]

-What's that?

-That's the distress call

of a young gator that's
still with its mother.

-Do they have a love call?

-Your alligator is a very
romantic creature.

It gets the itch, come spring,

and it'll give off with a sound
something like this...

[Grunting]

-And that will attract
another alligator?

-Well, I'm hoping so.

I'm counting on it.

-Well, depending
on your point of view,

that was either the most
cringe-worthy scene

in "Drive-In" history

or the most brilliant insider
satire in "Drive-In" history.

Because what you saw
there is Henry Silva

as the big game hunter,

Colonel Brock, kind of doing
a parody

of every tough guy character
he's ever played,

demonstrating an extremely
weird alligator love call

like a perv as he stares
into the face of the woman

who played Lolita
in the original movie.

Henry Silva is another
one of those Actors Studio

guys from the '50s.

He was in the same class
as Shelley Winters,

same class as Tony Franciosa.

And in fact, he had a part in
"A Hatful of Rain" on Broadway,

which I mentioned before.
And then, when he got out to LA,

he was such
a scary guy on screen

that he eventually
had to move to Italy

to break his typecasting.

He was the heavy
in "Ocean's 11,"

"The Manchurian Candidate,"
"Johnny Cool,"

"Sharky's Machine."

He costarred with Frank Sinatra
in "Contract on Cherry Street."

He was still playing the heavy
as late as 1990 in "Dick Tracy."

But he had an alternate
career in Rome,

where he had become
a European star

after appearing in a spaghetti
western called

"The Hills Run Red."
He was still the villain,

but in Europe, you can do that
and still be a star.

Nobody ever knew exactly
what ethnicity Henry Silva was,

and that was on purpose.
He kind of kept it covered up.

He played a lot of
Native Americans, Latinos,

Italians, Asians,
Middle Easterners.

This movie is
one of the few times

he had an Anglo
character name,

but we know
he didn't speak English

until he was eight years old.

He had fluent Italian
and fluent Spanish.

And the census reports say
his family was Puerto Rican.

He denied being Puerto Rican.

He would just say,
"I come from the ghetto."

Very funny guy,
by the way.

He used to come
to Bobby Forster's

Tuesday night spaghetti dinners

at this Italian restaurant
on Melrose Avenue,

and he would regale you
with stories and song.

He would take that mic
and belt one out,

and he just died last year,

nine days before his 96th
birthday at the Motion Picture

and Television Home
in Woodland Hills, California.

And we love him there.

So, anyway, the reporter who
is interviewing Colonel Brock

and being subjected to the gator
mating call is Sue Lyon,

the original Lolita
opposite James Mason.

Stanley Kubrick had spotted
Sue Lyon on

"The Loretta Young Show"
when she was 13 years old

and asked her to audition.

And that role
changed her life.

Her mom had moved
the family to LA

in the hopes that Sue could get
some modeling work,

since she was
apparently known in

Davenport, Iowa,
for her good looks.

But that instant fame
led to a very tempestuous life.

You do get the attention of men
when you star in "Lolita."

So she was married five times,

including once to a convict
serving time for murder.

But by the time she was 25,

she was sort of forgotten
by Hollywood.

This movie was her
last role of any kind.

I also wanted to mention
that stickball scene

where the gator comes up
out of the sewer

and frightens the boys.

That's a direct reference
to the alligator in the sewer

urban legend,
and actually not legend,

because it's the true event that
started the whole thing.

In 1935, there were some boys
in the Bronx

who were out on the streets
shoveling snow,

and they were dumping the snow
down this open manhole.

A six-foot alligator suddenly
appeared at the manhole opening

and started crawling out.
So the boys, what do boys do?

They snagged the gator
with a lasso.

They dragged it out
of the sewer drain.

They lashed it to a lamp post,

and then they beat it to death
with their shovels.

So the pictures of this gator

were all over
the New York newspapers.

And 50 years later,
people were still talking about

the alligators
who live in the sewers.

Nobody ever explained
how that original gator

got there in the first place,
but it was a time

when there were no laws
against having exotic pets.

So people had tigers
and leopards and bears.

It was probably a baby alligator
that became a grown-up alligator

and somebody just got rid of it.

So, now, all of our "Jaws"
rip-off elements are in place.

We have the cop, Robert Forster,
in the Roy Scheider role.

We have the biological expert,
Robin Riker,

as the herpetologist

hanging around
the police craft services table

in the Richard Dreyfuss role.

And we have the hunter,

Henry Silva,
in the Robert Shaw role.

And actually,
I would add one more.

We have Jack Friggin' Carter
in the feckless mayor role.

I don't know how many people
remember Jack Carter today,

but he was in literally
thousands of shows.

He was the ultimate Catskills
comic, the ultimate Vegas Comic,

the ultimate fast comic --
he had a machine gun delivery.

He aspired to Don Rickles-level
insult humor.

He could be really,
really nasty.

But you know how Rickles
always redeemed himself

by doing a lot
of fake apologies,

you know, later in his act?
Jack Carter never did that.

He was nasty
and he stayed nasty in his act.

But anyway, Jack Carter's
television career

went back to the early days
of live variety

shows like "Cavalcade of Stars."

And he even had his own show
for one season,

"The Jack Carter Show."

But he always wanted to be
taken seriously as an actor.

So he was in
maybe 200 movies,

but he was always second fiddle
to somebody else.

There was a kind of bitterness
to Jack Carter

in his life and in his act,
and that anger came through,

and I think it overshadowed
his talent.

Okay.

My commentary on this movie
is longer than the movie.

So please, Joe Bob,
stop talking.

Let's get back to the movie.
Roll it.

♪♪

But I got to say one thing.

[Laughter]

"Jaws" came out in 1975 and...

there were dozens
of "Jaws" clones,

including the ill-fated
"Orca: The Killer Whale."

Usually, the rip-offs were
trying to find another animal

that could be made out
to be as fierce a killer

as the great white shark.
But of all the copycats,

I think the two
very best ones were "Piranha,"

directed by Joe Dante,
and this movie.

And both of those films
were written by John Sayles.

And John Sayles
saved up the money

from writing these two scripts,

and he used it to finance
his first film as a director,

"Return of the Secaucus 7,"

which was one of those
baby boomer reunion films,

kind of a precursor
of "The Big Chill."

So he sort of invented
that genre of let's sit around

talking about what we used
to do together

before our lives got boring,

and then we'll pair off and have
sex in various combinations

that make us all feel queasy.

And then, let's not have
any ending to it.

Let it just peter out

so we can have
another reunion movie later.

That genre,
whatever you call that genre.

In other words,
John Sayles was lost

to the horror genre
for all time

after he made a movie like that,
he went to the dark side.

He became a Sundance guy.

And yet, in his prime,

he wrote the mating call
of the mutant alligator scene

for Henry Silva and Sue Lyon.

Such a paradox.

♪♪

-I work, too, you know.

I mean, I'm way behind
on the classwork,

I still have two experiments
I have to get done.

-My dear young woman,
it is still out there.

-They'll find it.

And your great white
hunter will shoot it,

and that'll be the end of it.

-And you're not even curious
how it got to be that size?

-I'll be there at the autopsy.

-Look, there's a couple
of things

I'm trying to put together.

You're the only I
know who can tell me

whether the pieces fit.

If the thing works out,

I'll buy you an
iguana or something.

One of them little pretty --

-That'd be great.

It's a section from the
pituitary of your Lhasa Apso.

-Hmm.

-The dark blue globules indicate
that it's been bombarded

with some sort of
hormone derivative.

-What'll that do?
-Well, in some cases,

it'll make little
dogs into big dogs.

I'd put my money on somatropin,
but if they've been throwing

test animals down
the sewer for years,

there's no telling what
combination

our friend's been
exposed to.

-Maybe he'll die of cancer.

[Police sirens blaring]

[People chattering]

[Tires squeal]

[Dog barking]

[Indistinct radio chatter]

[People chattering]

[Baby crying]

[Soft jazzy music on radio]

-Geez!

He's a big one.

-What is it?
-Alligator spore!

Don't step in it.

-The latest sighting was in
the Marquette Hill section

of the city,
where the animal is believed

to be still at large.

Residents are warned to stay
off the streets,

and are asked to report
any new sightings

of the alligator immediately.

[Helicopter whirring]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

-And you work with
progesterone, as well?

-Sure, we tested 'em all.

-What kind of a cow is this?

-It's a calf.

[Cow lowing]
-Big for a calf.

-Detective, the world has
a food shortage problem.

We're trying to do
something about that.

-Yes, I understand
you manufactured

a synthetic form
of testosterone.

-Yes, we had some
success with that.

-Why didn't you market it?

-Several contraindications.

Main one being that it
tended to hyper-excite

the organism's metabolic rate.

-What's that in plain English?

-It gave them an
insatiable appetite.

Look, Detective,
I've got a lot of work to do.

You got any more questions?
-Yeah.

What would Slade Pharmaceutical
pay for a hot Lhasa Apso?

-Mayor.
Slade here.

We got a little problem
here at the lab

that you could be some
help with.

-Chief!

Chief.

I got the goods
on the alligator.

-David...
-The big guy over at Slade's,

our dear mayor's buddy,
he's up to his eyeballs in it.

-I'll need your shield, David.

You're off the force.

-What are you talkin' about?

-You pushed too far.

-You didn't really expect me
to work under that guy Brock,

did ya?

-It's out of my hands.

[Tense music]

-You're kidding...
-Homicide?

-Not anymore.

♪♪

[Indistinct radio chatter,
phones ringing]

[Tense, mysterious music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Marisa speaks indistinctly]

I got canned. Apparently, we
stepped on all the wrong toes.

-Well, can they do that?
-Sure, they can do that.

It's their town. They can do
anything they want.

-Well, how do you feel?

-I was always worried they were
gonna can me anyway.

Now that it happened, psh,
I feel wonderful.

-And what are you gonna do?

Go out there, I'm gonna find
that alligator, and...

I'm gonna kick his ass.

-When do we start?

-You ever have any boyfriends?

-There was Stuart,

who was president
of the science club.

-Taught himself calculus?
-In the ninth grade.

And then, of course,
there was Chester.

He was into
reptiles, like I was.

-Sounds cozy.

-Oh, it was all right.

Till he started dissecting them.

-Yeah, here we are.

This the place?

-Right-o.
-Jesus, I haven't been in

this place since I first started
with the department.

Look at all that.

-All right, this is where we're
gonna split up and take a look.

-What the hell are
we looking for?

-Anything that looks like
it doesn't belong here.

-Evidence of alligator nesting.

-That could be, like, shoes,
handbags, luggage?

-Right.

[Tense, mysterious music]

♪♪

-Found a shopping cart up here.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Screams]

♪♪

-You all right?
-Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just a dog.

-Jesus.
-I'd venture to say

there are other animals stashed
around here, too.

I think this is home base.

-And you think he'll
try to come back here?

-If it can get back
in the system,

I think it will sure try.

-Well, that settles it for me.

I-I'm taking my vacation until
this thing's over with.

At least in Florida,

they keep 'em in the swamps
where they belong.

-Mr. Slade, I'd have to go to
the City Council for a reward.

-Now, now, let's stop fussing.
I'll put up the money.

I'll put up the money.
Listen, the wedding is tomorrow.

I want you to pick up all this
silver, all the tables,

put 'em back the way
it should be later.

-Look, that's very generous of
you, Mr. Slade.

-Mayor, listen, we have
got four products,

four products pending

with the Food and Drug
Administration right now.

Four products. And that's a lot
of politics involved.

-Oh, I see. And if they traced
it back to the company...

-You mean, if they traced it
back here to us?

-Yeah.
-Well, you'd be out of a job

for one thing.

Arthur. [Laughs]

Mayor Ledeux, my future
son-in-law, Arthur Helms.

-Oh, how do you do?
-Nice to meet you.

-Arthur is my number one boy.
-Oh.

-My number one boy, yes, sir.

[Laughs]

-Dinner time.
[Puppy whining]

Aw, yes, kiddo, yes.

-Can I get rid of
this jacket somewhere?

-Sure. Drop it right there.

This is Snaps.
-How do you do?

This is Marisa.

-Okay, kiddo, are you hungry?
-And can I use your phone?

-Yeah. Right here.
-Thank you.

-What do you think, kid?
You hungry?

Little bit of corned beef hash?

-Hello?
-Hello, Mom?

I'm going to be late tonight.

-Here you go.

That's it.

-Tonight's a school night.
Now, what about your homework?

-Mom, I'm the teacher.

-I made this nice meat loaf
for you.

Ooh, it was so good. Listen,
I ironed your white blouse.

I can't find that little purple
skirt that goes with it.

Now, what did I do with that?

It's such a shame.

Oh, you should have --
-I live with my mother.

-If you would have
come home on time...

-Oh.

-...you would have had
the best dinner...

[Kids chattering]

[Upbeat music]

-All right,
you cowboy freak!

-We're gonna make you walk this
plank!

-Yeah, you landlubber!

For stealing all our gold!

May the sharks eat you up into
little tiny pieces!

-You haven't got any guts!
-I got plenty of guts!

-Ha! Get up there right now!

[Tense music]

All right, now walk the plank!
-Walk!

-Donald!

Donald!

[Dramatic music]

-No! [Screaming]

♪♪

-Mom! Mom!

Mom!

Mom, Mom, it's Donald!

-Man, talk about a scene

that doesn't really fit
the rest of the movie.

Let's stick a scene
in where an innocent little

eight-year-old kid
gets devoured by the gator

while he's playing pirates
at a birthday party.

Really? I mean, Lewis Teague
never really explained why

he wanted a dark scene like that
and what is otherwise a satire.

It's not scary so much
as just depressing.

When people talk about directors

whose careers start
with Roger Corman,

you don't hear Lewis Teague's
name very often,

but he's a Brooklyn native
who went to NYU Film School

in the same class with
Martin Scorsese

and Brian De Palma.

And then, his ticket to LA was
a job offer from Sydney Pollack

to be an apprentice
at Universal Television,

where they let him
direct an episode

of "The Alfred Hitchcock Hour."

But then he sort of dropped out
of filmmaking for a while.

He became a full-time hippie
and he ran Cinematheque 16,

which was an underground
cinema on Sunset Boulevard.

They showed art films
and documentaries,

and that was before that became
a thing in other cities.

Really one of the first
so-called art houses in America,

Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison,
were known to hang out there.

And through
all those associations,

he hooked up
with Michael Wadleigh

and he became one of
the two production managers

on Woodstock.

So the first real film project
he was involved

with had a cast of 500,000.
And then, like all these

counterculture guys
from the '60s,

he spent the '70s
working for Roger Corman,

mostly as
a second unit director.

He was second unit
on "Death Race 2000,"

second unit on
"Thunder and Lightning,"

second unit on "The Big Red One"
for Samuel Fuller,

and meanwhile, he's working
in the editing department

at New World
and he earned his street cred

when he edited a film
called "Cockfighter,"

starring Warren Oates
and directed by Monte Hellman.

Great film.
But after it opened,

he got this call
from Roger Corman saying,

"Look, 'Cockfighter'
opened very slow.

I thought it would be easy
to sell a movie

called 'Cockfighter' in
the South, but apparently not.

So I want you to cut me
a new trailer

and I want all sex
and action.

Put every sex scene
and every action sequence

in the trailer."

And Teague said, "But, Roger,

Monte didn't really
shoot any sex or action scenes."

And Roger said, "I don't care
where you get the scenes,

just find some shots
of sex and action,

give them to Joe Dante, work
with him on a new trailer."

So he went through
the whole New World library.

He found every sex
in action scene that they had,

but he started
to feel bad about it

when they were starting
to cut the trailer.

So he called Roger back
and he said, "Roger,

we can't do this.

None of these scenes
are in the movie."

And Roger said,
"You know, you're right.

Put all those scenes
in the movie."

And, so, that's what he did,
and that's how he became

one of the legendary
New World editors.

He also edited "Crazy Mama."

And the only reason he didn't
get his directing break

until he was 41 years old
is -- he admits this --

he was a substance abuser
for most of his life.

Because, you know,
running the underground

cinema on Sunset Strip,
production managing Woodstock,

hanging out with Jim Morrison
and Janis Joplin, do the math.

But he finally did
get that chance

when Julie Corman picked him
to direct "The Lady in Red."

Underrated movie about
Dillinger's girlfriend.

And from there, he went on to
make "Alligator," "Cujo,"

"Cat's Eye,"
"Jewel of the Nile,"

"Navy Seals," and then a whole
raft of television shows,

TV movies,
two miniseries.

He became a highly respected
journeyman director.

Recently, he did an acclaimed
web series called "Charlotta-TS"

about a transgender
woman from Barcelona

who comes to LA
looking for love.

Once again, highly acclaimed,
not so successful.

Intriguing career.

Okay, we got a gator
on the loose,

and it's pissing off
Robert Forster,

and now it's eaten in
an elementary school student.

So let's kick some gator ass.

Back to the flick.

You know, there must --
there must have been something

going on with gators
in the year 1980,

because right after this,
Sergio Martino

made a movie called
"The Great Alligator"

with Barbara Bach
and Mel Ferrer.

They're terrorized by a gator
at an isolated resort.

And then, legendary producer
Herman Cohen

repackaged a movie
from Thailand

and titled it "Crocodile."

And I know a crocodile
is not an alligator.

One of them has a snub nose.

I forget which.
One of them is fatter.

Oh, then there was
"Lake Placid."

Remember that one?
30-foot gator

terrorizing Bridget Fonda
and Bill Pullman,

Kevin Bacon.

Betty White
is the gator's surrogate mother.

You know.
[Chuckles]

I prefer the original, though.

The one we're watching.
If you spend too much money,

the gator ceases
to be terrifying.

It's the same principle
as "Anaconda," you know.

A giant snake couldn't even
terrify Jennifer Lopez.

So it's a paradox.

I guess.

♪♪

-Feel better?
-Much.

-You know, when I first met you,

I thought you were one of
those real tight-asses.

-You did? Well, you were wrong,
weren't you?

When I first met you,
I thought you were someone

whose apartment would
look just like this.

-Well, you're quite right.

One of these days, I'm going
to shovel it out.

However...

Marisa.

Lookit.

We're gonna go to
dinner now, right?

-Right.

-All the while, I'm
gonna be wondering

whether or not you're
going to come back

and spend the night with me.

-Oh?

-That's not exactly an answer.

See, if I have to eat food
and I'm worried about yes or no,

it sort of hyper-excites
my metabolic rate and...

-Oh.

-Can I take this as
a definitive yes?

-Yes.

-We're so down, so...

-You guys know the neighborhood.

Every expedition needs its
bearers, its native guides.

-What's in it for us?

-10 dollars a day, apiece.

-All right!

-I get 20.

-[Laughing]

The local chieftain. [Laughs]

[Classical music playing]
-I was looking at a guest book,

checking the license plate
numbers.

This guy comes up behind me,

sticks this thing in the back of
my neck,

says he's going to
blow my brains out.

Took my gun, gave it to somebody
else who was hiding.

Made me lay on
the desk face-down.

I heard yelling
upstairs and the shots.

The guy behind me ran.
I couldn't move.

It was like my legs were gone.

When I finally turned around,

Jerry was coming down
the stairs. He was dying.

-They had a gun on you.

-He had a roll of pennies he
took out of the cash box.

The only gun they had was mine,
the one they shot Jerry with.

-How could you know?

-I froze.

There's a heavy penalty in
this life for fear.

-You can't blame
yourself for surviving.

-What are you doing?

Lookit, I'm fighting male
pattern baldness.

I'm a little sensitive
on the subject,

and I hope you don't
mention it again.

-This is it.

We call it Booger Alley.

They said they heard
heavy breathing.

-Where's it lead to?

-Lets out by the railroad track.

-Give me my rifle.

We better go in and look around.

-Who is we?

-The bearers follow
the hunter into the lair.

They back him up.

-[Scoffs] Is that right?

Not in this jungle, mister.

-We'll see you on
the other side.

-No backbone?

Must be the environment.

-Hey, man...

-Oh, what the fuck.

Y'all wait for me here, man.

[Heavy breathing]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

[Trash can rattling]

[Growling, hissing]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Growling, gunshots]

-Think he got him?

-[Yelling]

Pull me out!

[Dramatic music]

Pull me out!

[Gun clicking]

Aah!
Pull me out!

[Yelling]

-Come on. Let's split.

[Dog barking in the distance]

-Studied
history and psychology,

and when I got done,
I decided I was gonna be a cop.

What I always wanted to be,
and I became a cop.

Thank you.

-You know what Freud
says about that?

-What's he say?

-He said the police
want to punish society

for their own illicit desires.

-Hmm?
-Mm-hmm.

-This guy never did the kamikaze
shift in East St. Louis.

-[Laughs] No. Probably not.

-Speaking of illicit desires...

-Yeah?
-Hi, Madison.

-Hey, Purdy,
Ashe, how you doing?

Thought you guys would be out
beating the bushes

for Jungle Jim.

-They just scraped him up over
at Marquette Hills.

-What?
-Brock?

-Wasn't much of him left.

We're pulling a double shift
looking for that damned animal.

-Tough break about
the job, Madison.

-Yeah.

-Jesus.
[Police siren wailing]

-It was his own fault.

-I understand how you must feel.

-Don't understand me so quick.

You mind?

-No.

[Country song plays on radio]

[Siren wailing in distance]

-Here.

-Your mom will be waiting.

-Yeah.

[Tense, mysterious music]

-[Distorted, echoing] Kelly!

Kelly!

[Echoing]

[Alligator hisses]

♪♪

[Distorted growl]

-Aah!

-No!

[Grunting]

No!

-Kelly!

[Echoing]

Kelly.

[Hissing on television]

[Snarling]

[TV clicks off]

[Sighs]

-She'll be down in a minute.

Marisa just hates to get out of
bed in the morning.

Oh, some days I
used to go up there,

she was sleeping so peaceful,

I just didn't want
to wake her up.

She'd get so mad at me

because, well, she didn't want
to go to school.

And then I'd make her
some cookies,

and we'd
watch "Days of Our Lives"

until Bill, my husband, came
home, and then we would...

I've been looking all over
for that rosary!

There it is.
[Gasps]

God rest his soul.

You know what he
used to say to me?

[Deep voice] Sleeping too
much leads to an early grave.

[Chuckles]

[Normal voice] Worked just
the opposite for him, though.

God rest his soul.

Do you know I have an evil eye?

Bet you can't tell
which one it is.

Is it this one?

Or is it this one?

[Laughs]

Did you like that?

-What's your name?

-Madeline.

Can I give you a cup of coffee?

-No, I got some.

-You really make yourself at
home, don't you?

-Good morning, David.
-Baby.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-I came to apologize.

-What for?

-You name it,
I apologize for it.

-Don't forget tonight's
a school night, Marisa.

-You, uh, want to see
my rock collection?

Yeah, well, what
do you need me for?

-What does anybody
need anybody for?

You're the country's
leading herpetologist.

You have a wonderful mind,
a doctorate degree,

and beautiful tits.

-I find this all
fairly confusing.

-There's nothing to
be confused about.

I know I'm a pain in the ass
sometimes,

but anything worth having
is gonna be trouble.

That is, unless you want to go
live with the turtles.

Are you going to come with me?

-Well, we'll see.
-Well, we'll see.

-The sightings indicate
he's been moving east.

If he continues
in that direction,

he's going to hit the canal.

If we wait downstream,
he's going to come right to us.

-Then what happens?

-Well, I could bring my mother.

She could talk him to death.

-No, I don't want
to talk to Madison!

Things are crazy
enough as they are!

Look, just let me know when
the state troopers are ready!

Damn it!

He's not hiding in the bushes!

-All right, I see we've got
a lock in the canal here

about a mile above the river.

That's maybe two miles from
where we are right now.

-Right.

But if the lock's closed,
he's going to leave the river.

-What's he going to
do when he gets out?

-I guess that depends
on what's in his way.

[Dramatic music]

-Holy shit.

That's him, off the port.

[Gunfire]

-Where'd he go?

-There he is!

[Boat revving]

[Tense music]

♪♪

-Aah!

-Get me the hell out of here!

Get me out!

Help!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Aah! Oh!

Get it off of my leg!

Pull me up! [Yelling]

Aah! Aah!

[Groaning]

♪♪

-Okay. Talk about
your practical effects.

The reason that shot looks
so good when they pull the cop

into the boat
and he's lost his feet

is that they were using
a double amputee Vietnam vet

who had
lost his feet in the war.

Also, if you remember the cop
whose leg was bitten off,

that was a one-legged stunt man.

The little love story
they've stuck into the movie

is finessed very well
by Robert Forster

with Robin Riker
as Dr. Marisa Kendall.

Robin was in her late 20s,

but very experienced
by the time she made this movie.

She had grown up
in a theater family.

Both her parents
were New York actors,

and they ran legitimate theaters
in Atlanta, Aspen, and Syracuse.

So she was a backstage kid
and an onstage kid.

She trained at the Colorado
Shakespeare Festival,

and she was always on TV,
usually in girl next door roles.

She was a series regular
in six TV series,

including "Get a Life"
as the nemesis of Chris Elliott.

Recurring roles in "Reba,"
"Boston Legal."

Later on, she would play
the title role in "Stepmonster,"

but this is her film debut,

and I haven't talked
much about Robert Forster

because I've talked
so much about him

during the other movies

that we've shown
on "The Last Drive-In."

But Bobby Forster was one of the
nicest guys in show business.

Born in Rochester,

a proud graduate of Madison
High School in Rochester,

where he starred
in all the musicals.

He was a great song
and dance man,

played football
at three different colleges,

ended up graduating from
the University of Rochester.

Then he moved to New York

and immediately got
a role on Broadway

opposite Arlene Francis
in "Mrs. Dally Has a Lover."

But then he couldn't get
any more work,

so he went back to Rochester,
worked construction,

worked as a substitute teacher,
worked as a door-to-door

vacuum cleaner salesman,
and then his big break

came when 20th Century Fox
gave him a contract

and put him in a small role in
"Reflections in a Golden Eye,"

the Marlon Brando movie
directed by John Huston.

Forster is the guy who rides
buck naked on the horse.

He was one of those
leading man types

who never got the perfect
vehicle to make him a star.

And in fact, his career was all
but over in the '90s

when he got new life,

when Quentin Tarantino cast him
as Max Cherry in "Jackie Brown"

and he got an Oscar nomination
for that part.

Tarantino said "Alligator" was
one of the roles that made him

think of Forster for that part.
But most of his career,

Robert Forster was making the
kind of pictures that we love.

"Vigilante," "Uncle Sam,"
"Delta Force,"

which he regretted.
He regretted "Delta Force"

because he got stuck
in bad guy roles after that one.

"The Kinky Coaches
and the Pom Pom Pussycats."

Nobody saw that one,
but I love that one.

And then, after his rediscovery
in the late '90s,

he was in a lot of real classy
stuff like "Mulholland Drive."

Okay, just when you think
Lewis Teague

can't top the action sequence
in the lake

where the speedboat explodes
after bouncing off the gator,

the movie goes to
a whole new level.

Witness now the stunning
conclusion to "Alligator."

Roll it.

And you know,
I want to say this.

Nobody involved with the movie
wants to give him any credit,

but the original story
for "Alligator"

came from Frank Perilli.

Frank Perilli was a nightclub
comic, a joke writer.

He was the writer
for Shecky Greene,

Don Rickles, Dean Martin,
but most importantly,

he was the mentor
and manager of Lenny Bruce.

But he always wanted to be
a, quote, "serious writer."

And when he was in his late 40s,
he wrote a movie called

"The Doberman Gang," which was
one of the least favorite movies

we ever showed on my TNT show.

But it was actually
an indie hit.

The premise is that a guy trains
six Dobermans to rob banks.

And they made two sequels,
so somebody liked it.

And he also wrote the X-rated
version of "Cinderella,"

and he wrote an Albert Band
Western called

"She Came to the Valley"
with Scott Glenn

and Dean Stockwell.

So, anyway, his idea
for "Alligator"

was that it takes place
in the sewers of Milwaukee,

where there's so much runoff
from the breweries

that the gator grows
to gargantuan size

from drinking the brew.

Now, that's all we know
about it.

I'm sure there was more to it
because, you know,

Frank may have been
a mediocre writer,

but he was not an idiot.
So, anyway, that's the script

that was optioned by
Brandon Chase, the producer.

And then, Lewis Teague
said he would make it,

but only if John Sayles
did a rewrite on it.

Anyway...here's to you, Frankie.

You know the "story by" guy
never gets any credit.

And here's to you, Shecky.
You know?

Shecky Greene
still going strong.

Even though he lost
his best joke writer.

Shecky Greene
was tough to write for

because he did story jokes.
He did not do one-liners.

He was the opposite
of Jack Carter,

the mayor in "Alligator."

So I hope there's one more
booking out there for Shecky

because I want to be there.

♪♪

-How far down the canal?

-A mile and a half up
to the river.

-Okay. Now, get me
whatever's available,

and get it up to Shady Point by
the Slade mansion!

We'll work it from there.

-Nothing!

-Listen, did you see which way
it went?

-He walked out down
there about 200 yards.

-Which side?
-This side.

-Let's go.
-You've been here before?

-You bet. Headed straight
for Slade mansion.

[People chattering]

[Instrumental music playing]

-When I was a kid
a long time ago,

I used to go in our back 40
there,

and I'd cut down one of
those green hickories.

-Hickory?

-Well, I would soak it in water,

two, three weeks,
four weeks at a time.

Now you go out,
and then you build yourself

a great big, deep pit of
charcoal like that.

-Charcoal?

-And -- And -- And then you
picked up your hickories,

you know, put your hickory,
a little seal, right on top.

Not too much of it, or else
you'll drown out your fire.

-Oh.

-And then that aroma,
that aroma starts.

-Stop, you're
making me hungry.

-Beautiful.
The meat, it's permeated.

That's really living.

[Dog barking]

[Tense, dramatic music]

♪♪

-[Laughs]

[Screaming]

Oh, my God!
-[Roars]

[people shouting]

-Mr. Slade!
-No!

[People shouting,
alligator growling]

[Screaming]

-[Screams]
-Aah!

[Growling]

[People screaming]

-No, no, no!
Let's get to the limo!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

No!

Let me in!

[People screaming]

Mr. Slade! Open the door!
For god sake's, Slade.

[Growling]

-Blaine, get
the hell out of here!

Get us out of here, Blaine!

[Shouting indistinctly]

Get out of here!

[Tires squealing]

-You've got to let us in.

-Could I see your invitations?

-Come on, man, the alligator's
coming. You've got to let us in.

-Alligator?

I got a magician and
a three-piece orchestra --

-Open it.

Hurry up.

-I'll call the cops.

-Great. Call 'em.

[People shouting]

[Tense, dramatic music]

-Where is it?

♪♪

Where is it?

-David!

-Jesus Christ.

Where is it? Where is it?

♪♪

♪♪

Storm drain.

-You're right.
He's headed back to the sewer.

-Then we know exactly where
to find him.

♪♪

-David! Hey, David!
I need your help!

David!

[Truck engine starts]

-All right, let's say I give
myself two minutes on the timer.

Let the chief know where
I'm coming up and make sure

that manhole is clear.
-Got it.

[Water trickling]

[Tense music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Low growling]

[Low growling]

♪♪

-Come on!

[Gunshots]

Keep comin'.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

♪♪

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

♪♪

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

[Beeping]

[Alligator growls,
David grunts]

[David coughs]

♪♪

[Alligator growls]

[Alligator growls]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Shit.

♪♪

[Whistles] Hey, open up!

Hey! Hey!

[Alligator growls]

[David coughs]

[Tires squeal]

Open up!
-Move your car!

Lady, you've got
to move your car!

-The garbage truck --
-Then back it up! Move it!

♪♪

-Hey!

-Move that truck now!
-Back it up?

-Lady, you've got
to move your car.

There's somebody underneath.
-What are you talking --

-Hey, you asshole!

-What did he say?
-Get over!

[Beeping continues]

♪♪

♪♪

[Growls]

[Sirens wailing]

[Indistinct radio chatter]

-You'll live. You'll live.

-Any sign of him?
-Only pieces.

-Yeah, you believe me now.
No dream.

-When did I ever doubt you?

-I think I'm gonna lock you up
with her mother.

How about that?
-[Chuckles]

-Her mother?

-Think your mother would go for
something like that?

-Yeah, she might.

She goes for that increasingly
high forehead look.

I think it runs in the family.

-Yeah.

We got him.

-We sure did.

[Water trickling]

[Tense, mysterious music]

♪♪

[Low growl]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Did you notice that Marisa,

played by Robin Riker,
never finds out

that it was her alligator
that terrorized the city.

You know, the gator
has become a gourmet

by the end of the movie, though,
he's worked his way

up the socioeconomic ladder.

He starts out killing
the working class.

He moves on to the suburbs,
and finally, he invades

the fancy wedding
of the richest guy in town,

where he feasts royally
on the evil capitalists

who created the mutant
in the first place.

John Sayles structured it that
way intentionally, of course,

because Sayles would write
two more "Drive-In" movies,

"Battle Beyond the Stars"
and "The Howling."

But then, he would move on
to his own stuff like

"Brother from Another Planet"
and "Clan of the Cave Bear"

and "Enormous Changes
at the Last Minute."

His most celebrated movie
is "Lone Star,"

and he would also direct
all of Bruce Springsteen's

most famous videos,
including "Born in the USA."

So, the movie never really had
a proper theatrical release

because as soon
as it was finished,

the ABC network offered
Brandon Chase $3 million

for the broadcast rights,
and since that was double

what he'd spent on the movie,
he just took the money

and said he didn't care
that much about theatrical.

Lewis Teague, the director,
did care, however,

and so he arranged a screening
for critics in New York,

and only one critic showed up.
-Aw.

-The good news is that
it was Vincent Canby,

the critic
for "The New York Times,"

and he loved the movie,

and he made it more famous than
it would otherwise have been.

Another person who loved
"Alligator" was Stephen King,

and that resulted in King
recommending Teague

for the director's chair for
his anthology film "Cat's Eye."

And they didn't make
a sequel to Alligator,

but not till a decade later.

And they basically just told
the same story a second time

without the humor, though,
and without the style.

And Robert Forster
turned down that script,

and he never
turned down scripts.

But "Alligator II: The Mutation"

substituted Joseph Bologna
in the cop role,

and the Robin Riker role became
Dee Wallace,

and Dean Jagger as Slade became
Steve Railsback in the sequel.

And the great white hunter,
Henry Silva,

was replaced
by Richard Lynch.

The sequel did very poorly
in test screenings,

and so they sent it
straight to home video.

Ramon,
the animatronic rubber alligator

who starred in the movie,

was donated to
the University of Florida,

and it occasionally appears
at halftime shows.

Okay, Darcy.
-What?!

-What is the Mail Girl verdict
on "Alligator"?

-I mean, it's a pretty
good "Jaws" rip-off.

I went to a "Jaws"
rip-off movie marathon

at the Aero a few years ago,
and this was my favorite one

that they showed there.
-Really?

-Yeah. It's got cool
animatronics, sense of humor,

and I love that it's letting us
talk about Robert Forster.

-Yeah, we pretty much agree.

In the pantheon of giant
mutant killer animals,

where does this movie rank?

-That's a tough question.

-Top of the list would be
"King Kong" and "Godzilla,"

right?
-"Jaws," of course.

"Jurassic Park."

-I would put "The Birds"
on that list.

They're not giant birds, but
they're birds with superpowers.

-I would put "Deep Blue Sea,"

but I would say "Alligator"
is better than

"Night of the Lepus," but it's
still a B-movie, you know.

-Don't diss my giant killer
bunny rabbits.

-Oh, my God. Never.

-Okay, what do we have
in the mail department?

-I have a DM from Twitter,
from Jeff in Clinton, Iowa.

-All right.

"Joe Bob, I want to know
why you decided to show

a chick flick
teenage drama movie

on 'The Last Drive-In.'
I love your show.

Loved 'Drive-in Theater'
on The Movie Channel

as well as 'MonsterVision.'

I know you showed
a lot of non-horror

on 'MonsterVision' and TMC,
but I figured that was because

of the high sheriffs
at those networks.

In no world would 'Heathers'
ever be considered horror.

It's not that
I didn't enjoy the movie,

but I looked forward
all week to sit down

for a couple horror movies
with my favorite host,

and I got a chick flick
teenage drama.

What a disappointment.

But anyway,
that's enough griping.

I know I'm not going to love
every movie every week.

Looking forward to next week.

Thank you for what you do,
Joe Bob.

Sincerely, Jeff."

All right. You know, I --

-You wanted the meaner ones.
-Well, yeah.

And I guess, at the time
he wrote this letter,

he was going by a different
name, 'cause I know who this is.

Well, the short answer, Jeff,

would be that
the Christian Slater character

is a serial killer, and I count
serial killer movies as horror.

The more general answer
would be that our definition

of what's appropriate
for "The Last Drive-In"

is extremely broad.
We've shown "Angel."

-At Halloween.

-We've shown "'Gator Bait."
-At Christmas.

-You know, speaking of gators.

"Heathers" definitely has enough
horror elements to qualify,

in my opinion.
What do you think, Darcy?

-I mean, normally I would like
to keep things closer

to classic horror,
but I like when we branch out.

You used to do all kinds
of genres on "MonsterVision,"

and I love that.
-True. Okay, Jeff,

we don't get that many
complaints about "Heathers,"

so I think you're
in the minority,

but you enjoy being
in the minority.

So hang in there, bud.
And coming up after the break,

we have yet another
"Jaws" rip-off flick

because that's what
we're doing tonight.

But in the meantime,
I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

for Darcy the Mail girl,
reminding you

that we're all born naked,

wet, and hungry,
and then things get worse.

[Laughter]

-And the drive-in
will never die.

You know, people started
coming up to me

at our public appearances

and they'll say,
"Hey, here's a joke for you.

It's really bad.
You'll love it."

In other words,
they're giving me jokes

to tell on the air
that are, by definition,

terrible because they want me
to bomb.

They want to see me bomb
with the joke at the end.

-I feel like they know
that's your reputation.

-Okay. So this one came in
from the outside.

This this one came in from
frequent correspondent

Victoria Boatwright of
Blacksburg, Virginia.

So I hope I do it justice.

Two antenna meet on a roof.

They fall in love
and get married.

The wedding ceremony
wasn't very good,

but the reception was excellent.

-Aw, that was cute.
-All right.

Well, you can't criticize it
because it comes from a fan.

-True.

-Now that
you're a blonde again,

am I precluded from blonde
jokes? Can I tell --

-Go for it.
-All right.

Three women are about
to be executed

by firing squad
for their crimes.

One's a brunette, one's
a redhead, and one's a blonde.

So the guards bring
the brunette forward,

and the executioner asks
if she has any last requests,

and she says, "No."

So the executioner yells,
"Ready, aim --"

And suddenly the brunette yells,
"Earthquake!"

And everybody gets startled
and they look around

to see what she's talking about,
and she escapes.

-Hmm.
-So the guards are really angry,

but they next bring
the redhead forward.

And the executioner asks her
if she has any last requests.

And she says, "No."

So the executioner yells,
"Ready, aim --"

And suddenly the redhead
screams, "Tornado!"

And again,
everybody's startled.

They look around
for the tornado,

and she escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde
has figured this thing out.

So the guards
bring her forward.

The executioner asks if
she has any last requests.

She says, "No."
So the executioner yells,

"Ready, aim --"

And the blond screams, "Fire!"

-[Laughs]

-I like the first one better.
-What?

-The first joke was better.

-You liked the fan joke
better than that joke?

-Yeah.
That was a long way to go.

A long way to go.
-It's because you're a blonde.

-Ha!

[Laughter]