All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-In.With.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S20E14.Beyond.the.Door.III.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

[Static crackles]

-You know what, Darcy?

I'm gonna do it.

-Okay.
-I hate to delay

the opening scene
of "Beyond the Door III"

or diminish our appreciation of
that movie in any way

because the people have been
clamoring for

"Beyond the Door III."

-They have?
-Clamoring I say!

The clamor has been intense.

-Did they also clamor for
"Beyond the Door" 1 and 2?

-No, but you see,
that's the beauty

of this cinematic
folk horror achievement.

-What is?

-Notice how I called
it folk horror?

Because any time
you can work folk horror

into the description,
people go for it.

Because later,
I'll compare it to

"The Wicker Man",
and everybody will go,

"Fuck yes, 'Wicker Man',
folk horror."

Because we are in
a folk horror era, Darcy.

-We are, and I am not
that crazy about it.

-Are you dissing folk horror?

-I mean, it just
seems like a fad.

What are you going to do besides
introduce the movie, though?

-I'm going to throw caution
to the winds, Darcy.

-Okay.

-I'm going to make
my 4th of July speech.

-[Gasps] What?

-You asked for it,
and I want to do it.

-Okay. But is it longer
than three minutes?

-I will limit it
to three minutes.

Even two minutes.
So it's very simple.

-All right.

Your time starts now.

-All right.

You know how people say
the country is divided,

and they block one another
on social media

and they crusade
for extremist laws

and they constantly say,

"Okay, I can't know you anymore
because you're a liberal,

or, "I can't know you anymore
because you're a Republican."

-I definitely do.
I'm the Mail Girl.

I read all of that.
-Okay.

Well, I think people
should talk.

I don't think they should hide,
run away,

treat the other people
as non-people, you know,

decide certain topics
are off limits, whatever.

The purpose of talking, though,

is not to convert
somebody else to your opinion

because you can
start miles apart

and talk to the other person,

and you can be even farther
apart at the end of the talk.

But you've still done
the right thing.

You've acknowledged the other
person as a human being.

The important thing
is the talking.

So here's how that relates
to July the 4th, right?

July the 4th
is the very first document,

the Declaration of Independence.

It's the only one
that we all agree on, right?

On July the 3rd, everybody's
an Englishman, right?

And on July the 4th,
everybody becomes an American.

Or at least 56 guys
become Americans

because that's how
many people signed it.

So it's our birth document.

So on July the 4th, 1776,
there's no bill of rights.

So we can't argue about
the First Amendment

or the Second Amendment
or the Fifth Amendment

or the 14th Amendment.

There's no
Supreme Court decisions.

So we can't argue
about those, right?

There's no legislation because
we don't have a congress yet.

So we have these 13 colonies.
They have one thing in common.

They want to get rid
of King George.

That's it. They don't agree
on anything else.

But hatred
is a powerful motivator.

They despise him.

So they're tired of getting
shoved around by the king.

So they get together to decide,
okay, what are the basics?

These are just the basics.

What can we all agree on
as we start this experiment?

Because what they were asking
for had never existed before.

Or maybe it existed
in Athens 2,000 years earlier,

in one city, but Greece
screwed it up royally,

and they went back
to having kings

and strongmen armies, right?

So if you're going
to do a new thing,

you have to state to the world
why you're doing this new thing

and why you have
a right to do it.

-You're not going to make
that two minute deadline.

-Okay, Well, give me three.
Okay. Give me three minutes.

-I'm still skeptical.
-All right.

So they say,
"Okay, we believe --"

And this this is the foundation
statement for Americans.

"We believe that there
are these rights

that you can never take away
from any person anywhere,

rights that you're
just born with."

They use the word "inalienable",
inalienable rights.

And there's lots of them.

And we're not going to list them
all here in this one document.

But there are
three biggies --

life, liberty
and the pursuit of happiness.

Which is weird, right?

Who would use the word "happy"

in a revolutionary
political document?

Nobody did that.

You know, they're saying,
"We want to be happy."

It's like they had
Pharrell Williams

on the drafting committee
or something, you know?

And then the other 90% of
the Declaration of Independence

is just a list of all the
bullshit that King George did.

You know, proving
that he took away

those three things -- life,
liberty, pursuit of happiness.

So as Americans,

we can disagree our entire lives
on thousands of things,

and we can fight
over all those things.

But there are three
that we have to agree on --

life, liberty,
pursuit of happiness.

Otherwise, we're not Americans,

because that's
the birth document.

We're not participating
in the experiment.

And let me just say, the reason
I call it an experiment.

-You do not have time
for a digression.

-I have to quickly
do this digression.

The reason I say
it's an experiment

is that only 8% of the world's
population lives in democracies.

Not that many people
followed our example.

It's been 247 years.

Most governments of the world
decided to be something else

other than democracy.

So we should accept
that these principles,

these are just for us.

We should stop trying to
force them on to people

who would rather live under
different kinds of governments.

So this document wasn't
written down by God.

It was written down
by these five men

who were trying to --
it had five authors.

They were trying to figure out
what was believed

by all 13 colonies.

And actually, one of those
five men was Thomas Jefferson.

And Thomas Jefferson wrote
this whole paragraph

about how the new nation
would end slavery

because he did
some intense lobbying

to try to get all 13 colonies
to agree to that.

And he was and he was
amazingly successful.

He got North Carolina
to agree to it.

He got other slave states,
like he got Virginia to agree.

He got Maryland to agree.
He got Delaware to agree.

They had tons of slaves
in Delaware.

They didn't agree on how fast
they were going to,

you know, get rid of slavery,
but they did agree

that you can't say all men
are created equal

and then have slavery.

But the document had to be
signed by all 13 colonies.

And shame on you,
South Carolina,

and shame on you, Georgia.

He could never get those two
to agree to be, you know,

to agree to
the free the slaves clause,

and also shame on you.
New York City and Philadelphia,

because the businessmen
and the bankers

who were making a killing
on the Atlantic slave trade,

they didn't want it either.

But my point is the documents'

purpose is to define
what it is to be American --

life, liberty,
pursuit of happiness.

We're starting with those three.

So life. You have to be
protected from danger.

You should you should die of
natural causes in our country.

Liberty -- you don't have
to answer to a dictator.

You can be part
of making the rules

and changing the rules
if you want to.

And then the weirdest one of
all, pursuit of happiness.

Whatever your own definition
is of what you want from life.

Pharrell Williams, you know?

So what are those
three things all about?

They're all about
being an individual.

Your right to be different,
your right to be

your own person,
your right to be heard.

So you want a government
that guarantees that.

So here's my idea for how
to solve the stalemate

that we're in.

We take all the topics
that we're apparently

never going to agree on, never.

Abortion, guns, gender issues,
the military, taxes on the rich.

And we get
the most extreme people,

the most extreme
on both sides of that issue.

People guaranteed to never agree
on any of those things.

And we ask them to engage
in a public conversation,

But they only
have to do one thing.

When they're face to face
with the person

whose opinion
that they hate the most,

they must say
the following sentence --

"I sincerely wish for you to
have a long life, to be happy,

and to live the way
you want to live

without government
interference."

In other words, life, liberty,
pursuit of happiness.

The three things we all agreed
on before we became a country,

the three things that made us
Americans.

If you can say that
to your fiercest enemy --

"I sincerely wish for you to
have a long life, to be happy,

and to live the way
you want to live

without government
interference."

If you can say that,
you're an American

speaking to an American.

If you can't say it,
and I guarantee you

there are people
who will be unable to say

that to their fiercest enemy.

If you are unable to say it,

you're not participating
in the experiment.

You're rejecting democracy.
We don't have to listen to you.

Everybody who can say it,
we will listen and respond.

We will listen and respond.

And if at the end of the day,
we still don't agree,

but we've both talked,
then we will say it again.

"I sincerely wish for you
to have a long life,

to be happy, and to live
the way you want to live

without government
interference."

We say that twice.
So you have to say it twice.

You have to say it once
at the beginning of the debate,

once at the end of the debate,
and the union will be saved.

Democracy will be saved.
The experiment will continue.

You know, all those guys who
came back from World War II,

the battle hardened veterans,
what did they say?

What did they all say?

What was the cliche
that all those guys said?

"Freedom isn't free."
Why did they say that?

Because they were thinking
of their dead friends, you know?

Freedom isn't free.
We have to work at it.

We have to save it.
Sometimes we have to rescue it.

Sometimes we have to die for it.

So, you know,
watch how many people

will not be able to say
to the person they hate,

"I sincerely wish for you
to have a long life,

to be happy, and to accomplish
everything you desire

without government
interference."

Watch how many people do not
know the definition of

an American, and let's move on
without them.

Okay. End of speech.

-That was...

-I forgot to light
the patriotic candle.

-Go for it.
Light that candle.

-Be careful what you say.

-I mean, I don't even know
how to describe that.

-Well, I don't know
how to describe it

or the next movie,
so let's get on with it.

-It was amazing.

-All right. Was that --
are you being ironic?

-No, it was amazing.

-All right.
Well, thank you, Darcy.

Let's get back to the important
business of cheap horror.

-You did go way past
your time limit, though.

I know that.

-But I forgive you
because it was worth it.

-Okay. "Beyond the Door III."

The old story of the high school
field trip to a dark forest

in Serbia
where inbred Satanists live.

Remember when you went
to high school orientation

and you could sign up
for that course as an elective?

You know, semester
in a war torn communist

Balkan country, live in a hovel
with angry peasants.

You know,
I think everybody did that

at least once in high school.

Anyway, the old story
of a high school field trip

that turns ugly
when a servant of Satan

tries to burn up
the exchange students

forcing them to flee
to a runaway train

that turns out to be
demonically possessed.

Yes, this movie is part of the
paranormal telekinetic railroad

sub-genre leading to
an encounter with Satan himself

who turns out to be
quite a pervert

when he finds out
there's a virginal

Balkan studies major
who recently lost her mother

in a construction girder
decapitation accident

on the interstate.

Sure, we've seen it before,
but have we seen it

with a spectacular
head removing collision

between a train and a rowboat

while the rowboat
is still in the river,

punctuated with
Yugoslavian dialog?

I think not.

Let's look at those drive in
totals and get started.

We have 14 dead bodies,
two breasts,

one ghost woman with bad teeth
giving birth to a jackal,

one runaway train
carrying pissed off Serbians,

one maggot mouth kiss
causing brain spitting,

one hunky blond jock cut in half
and beheaded,

one motor vehicle chase with
explosions, truck destruction,

and scattered duck population,

one double train head on
collision with explosions

and fires, low self-esteem
face ripping, wrist slicing,

high school student crispy
critter immolation,

train engineer cut in half
by his own train,

coal stoker immolation,
conductor squashing,

crossing arm through
the gizzards with splatter,

barbecued face disintegration,
steel girder through the mama,

one satanic birthmark,
one ancient tattered

warlock book, one black
wedding dress,

one galloping four horse
carriage, worms growing out

of a bitch slap hand,
bony claw handed Satan

in a crystal cube.

Bloody door marking.

[Laughs] Sorry.

Airline turbulence,
throat grabbing,

hooded druids holding
candles flickering

through the fog.

Monkish peasant hordes.

There's a lot going on
in this movie.

Random Serbian dialog,

Devil as a rail travel
tourism enthusiast,

trackless woodland
soil ploughing,

trackless river cruising
death train sequence,

multiple creepy rock clanking,
door nailing,

satanic goat barn
communication portal,

sign of the pagan
virgin souvenir foreshadowing,

staring east European senior
citizens in a gnarled forest,

dead tree trunk clambering,
zombie railroad travelers,

non hygienic soup ladling,
gratuitous cheerful

little person, gratuitous
Yugoslavian mail tampering,

heads roll, face rolls,
torso rolls, head flies,

lightning fu, switchblade fu,
pyrotechnic fu,

tarot card fu, folk horror hu,
folk horror fu.

Drive In Academy Award
nominations for

Bo Svenson as Count Andromolek,
the suave Transylvanian Svengali

minion who says
"You are such a shy, innocent,

lovely young girl."

Mary Kohnert as Beverly,

the uptight loner
destined for a date with Satan

who says, "I'd die before
I'd go with you."

Olga Poznatov as Vesna
the soup dispensing crone

who's the devil's vagina
examination agent.

Igor Pervic as Marius

the flute playing
monk on a secret mission.

Savina Gersak
as the train thief Sava,

an explosive expert
who refers to herself

in the third person
with gypsy wisdom.

Jeff Kwitny, the director,
and Ovidio Assonitis,

the producer,
who loves splatter so much,

he directed all
the kills himself.

Three and a half stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

-Good job.

-You know, I think
all that stuff is in the movie.

I think the only reason
people don't know more about

"Beyond the Door III"
is -- A -- nobody remembers

"Beyond the Door 1",
much less "Beyond the Door 2."

And, two, "Beyond the Door" was
a terrible title to begin with.

And -- C -- I just did
A, 2, C.

Anyway -- C -- there is
no connection between any of

the three "Beyond the Doors."

It's like a franchise with no
reason for being a franchise.

How does that even happen?

Have you seen any of the
Beyond the Doors"?

-No, this is the only one.

-We went with III because it's
in Serbia because

of the the boom
in Serbian tourism.

-Are people clamoring
for Serbian tourism?

-No.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Clapping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Clapping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Christie Anderson.

-Thank you.

-Richard Areita.

-Thanks.

-Angel Washington.

Melanie Fine.

-Thank you.

-Lawrence Blackly.

-Thank you.

-Kevin Morris.

Beverly Putnic.

Try not to lose them.

It's a long walk to Yugoslavia.

You guys, do you realize
how lucky you are?

You have the chance
for 800 dollars

to witness and
ancient Balkan rite.

Something that happens
once every hundred years.

-Miss Chase, the
guy who's meeting us

to take the ferry to, uh...

Ufir, what's his name?

-Professor Andromolek.

Strong Slovak name.

-Yeah, but how are we
gonna recognize this guy?

I mean, he's gonna
have a red carnation

on his head or
his chest or what?

-Don't worry, Angel,
he'll find you.

♪♪

♪♪

-Mom, I told you to knock!

-[Speaking in Serbian]

-Talk to me in English.

I don't understand when
you talk in Serbian.

-Would you like me to
help you finish packing?

-No, I can do it myself!

-Remember to keep warm.
It's cold in Yugoslavia.

They don't have central
heating like here, you know?

You're American, for God sake.
Never forget your origin.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Your father, he was
Serbian, too.

God bless his soul.

You'll have a wonderful
time with your friends.

-Mother.

They're not my friends.

-Well, they will be
if you only let them.

You'll see.
Beverly, I almost forgot.

I came across this

while I was throwing out
some stuff of your father's.

It comes from the same
region your father was born.

Ufir.
That's where you're going.

-I love you, Mom.

♪♪

♪♪

-Where to?

-Glendale Boulevard in Burbank.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Truck horn blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Tires screeching]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

[Groans]

[Boat horn blowing]

[Birds chirping]

[People chattering]

[Man clears throat]

-Dobar dan.

I am Professor Andromolek.

Dobar dan is how you say "good
morning" in Serbo-Croatian.

Can you say, "dobar dan?"

-Dobar dan.

-This is very good.

You are a nice group
of junior ambassadors.

But from the great
United States of America,

we expect only the best.

If you do not hurry up,
I will have to take back

all the nice things
I said about you.

Come now!

Come, come!

Come, hurry up.

-I got it, man.

-Yes.

-Thank you, sir.

-You're welcome.

Beverly.

-Thanks.

-Ah, beautiful.

-Just like home.

-I get the top bunk.

-Just get in there.

[Boat horn blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-The passion play
you are about to see

dates back two thousand years.

Two thousand years may seem
like a long time to you

who are from a country which
was founded only 200 years ago.

However, in the scope
of the passage of time,

two thousand years
is but a sneeze.

-Excuse me, Professor.

How can a passion play
predate Christianity

when, by definition,
it's a reenactment

of the Passion of Christ?

-That, Mr. Blackly,

is a good question and point.

The passion play is anomalous.

Its central character
is a female,

specifically a virgin female.

[Students giggling]

Perhaps this is why every year,

thousands of pilgrims
arrive from everywhere.

And, of course, scholars
like yourselves.

So, before I forget,

here there is one
for each of you.

Little things which
will distinguish us.

-Oh, wow.

-It is a nice
little souvenir, yes?

-They're beautiful.

-Looks just like Beverly's...

-It is the sign of
the pagan virgin.

-There's only one
virgin I know of.

[Laughter]

-You are rude.

[Door creaking]

Hello.

Am I disturbing you?

You are such a shy, innocent,
and lovely young girl.

I want to be your friend.

I must talk to you.

I'm worried.

You don't seem to
have so much in common

with your traveling companions.

Are you lonely?

You are so very brave.

I've seen these things before.

Young people can
be so very cruel.

-It's really not their fault.

It's me.

-Yeah.

Maybe I can help you.

Come.

Come. Come.

♪♪

♪♪

[Water sloshing]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-Where the hell are we?

-I don't know, sure
ain't my pad back in East LA.

-This place is a dump!

-It's interesting, I guess.

-Where are we going?

-Just past McDonalds
and left at Disneyland.

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-So, this is Ufir.

And now you will
step back in time.

My friends will take
you to where you stay,

and tomorrow morning,

I will see you again.

Beverly, come with me.

Come.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Goat bleating]

♪♪

♪♪

-This is here you will stay,

and this is Vesna.

♪♪

I am very cold.

I must have some hot soup.

It's very nice with hot soup.

Would you like some
hot soup, Beverly?

-No, thank you.

-I think you will
like some hot soup.

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Slurping]

-Mm.

[Speaking Serbian]

This is good soup, Beverly.

Come.

You drink.

Come.

[Fire crackling]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

So...

Beverly.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Liquid sloshing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Hammers thudding]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Speaking Serbian]

♪♪

[Crows squawking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Fire whooshing]

[Fire crackling]

♪♪

-Christie!

-Richard!

Richard, wake up!

There's a fire!

[Thudding]

[Fire crackling]

Come on, wake up!

Get up! What are you doing?!

Come on, get out
of bed, come on!

-We got to get out of here!

Hurry, we've got to find
Beverly!

[Thudding]

[Clacking]

-Richard, there's a fire!
Come on, man!

Wake up!

Come on! What are you doing?
There's a fire!

[Groaning]

-Come on!

[Thudding]

♪♪

-Don't just lay there! Come on!

[Rocks clacking]

[Crunching]

♪♪

No.

No!

Oh, no!

[Glass shattering]

-Richard!

♪♪

[Rocks clacking]

♪♪

[Thudding]

[Screaming]

[Cackling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Beverly!
-[Screams]

-Oh, God, Larry.

-Are you okay?

-I think so.

[Static crackles]

-[Chuckles]

-That'll teach you to
drink soup in a Serbian village.

My main question
about the Serbian

rock clanking spooky ass
villagers is,

why do they all look
90 years old?

And I've noticed this, though,

in men of 30 years old
in Eastern Europe

look like men of
50 years old in America.

But I also think it has
something to do with the budget

that producer
Ovidio Assonitis had.

Ovidio was paying $1 per day
for background actors.

And so these tend to be retired
people and unemployed people.

I mean, salaries were low
in communist Yugoslavia,

but they weren't that low.

So anytime you're on a movie set
in an impoverished country,

the producer will always say,

"Well, that's a lot of money
for these people."

And it is not a lot of money
for these people.

It's just that, you know,

there's such an extreme poverty
level to begin with that

they'll take a job
at any level, for any wage.

Oh, yeah, those people
making the Nike shoes,

they're happy
to have that work.

Well, they're happy
to have any work.

So you're just the asshole
of the moment taking advantage.

At any rate, I think
the evocation of danger

and mystery and the supernatural
and the folk horror atmosphere

is very well done with
wherever they filmed that,

and the ancient faces
of the ancient people

make it even spookier.

And I love the gnarled, twisted,
half dead trees everywhere.

It's almost like they painted
them on to the screen.

Yet another superb performance
by Bo Svenson --

I didn't even recognize
him at first --

as Professor Andromolek.

Everybody in the theater
and everybody in the cast

knows as soon as you see him,
he is nefarious.

Would you say he's
nefarious, Darcy?

-Oh, he's definitely nefarious.

-I forgot to mention in
the intro that

Darcy the Mail Girl is here to
field your e-mails, your tweets,

your DMs,
your telegrams, whatever.

And tonight, she will be
responding in Serbian

to any "Last Drive In" viewers
who live along the Danube,

between the Croatian
and the Bulgarian borders.

And, oh, hell, Darcy,
let's just go ahead

and open up
audience participation

to Bulgaria, as well.

How is your Bulgarian?

-I think I might have
to brush up a little.

-Okay, everybody from
the Palanka Bridge

to the Black Sea,
you know, contact Darcy tonight.

Tell us how well your nation
is depicted

in yet another horror movie
in which clueless Americans

go to Eastern Europe and die.

-Oh, yeah, there are
a lot of those.

-Well, Eli Roth
did the ultimate one,

you know, "Hostel."
-"Hostel."

You know, I don't know
why Eastern Europe is --

Eastern Europe is so much
scarier than Western Europe,

but that's a real thing.

It's like darker there
or something.

Everybody's a potential killer.

No offense if you're
a Serbian or Bulgarian

or Croatian or Hungarian
or Slovakian or Slovenian

or Romanian or Czech
or Transylvanian.

It's a trope, it's a cliche,
it's almost a form of shorthand.

You know, high school students
heading for Bulgaria.

Ha-ha-ha!
We're ready to watch them die.

-Hell yeah.

-I said everybody recognizes
the creepiness

of Professor Andromolek,

everybody except
our heroine, Beverly,

who collapses on to his breast
and shares a hug with him

after he comes creeping
around her room,

telling her how lovely
and brave she is.

Everything about this village
and this situation

and this passion play
that preexists Jesus --

that's what they said.

Everything about this screams
"Get the fuck out!"

But of course, if they do
that, we have no movie.

So yeah, let them
nail the door shut

and set your room on fire
because we're woke

social studies students,
we'll be able to deal with it.

Except for Richard.
He just freezes up.

He's in shock,
so he gets burned up.

Richard, you know,
it's not that bad, Richard.

We knock the doors down,
and we get out.

And now all we have to do

is walk through
the scrub oak forest

to some place
where they speak English.

So roll the film.

It'll be fine.

[Laughter]

We always think
when we're over there,

we always think
there's going to be somebody

who speaks English, right?

He said, "Oh, somebody
will speak English."

Who does that? You know,
only Americans do that.

Only Americans assume
that they will run into somebody

who speaks English.

Everybody else carries around
those little phrase books.

You know, I used to travel
to places like this,

and when you're a teenager,
you're stupid.

You know, you go to those
hostels and those pensiones.

It'd be like six guys to a room,

and they're guys
from all different countries,

and you have no idea
who they are.

Some of them are bigger
than you, you know?

Plus, the really low rent ones

would put two strangers
in the same bed, you know?

And it's like,
I ain't doing that, you know?

Oh, wait. $2 cheaper?
Oh, okay. I'll do it, you know?

You know, because, you know,
something tells me

you were never a hostile person.

-Oh, I've been in some
very sketchy places,

and I've definitely
been in places

where they'll steal your shit.

-Really?
Getting your stuff stolen,

that's one level
of danger, right?

I was more in the fear
of being raped

and/or stabbed category,
you know,

but when you're 19,
you don't realize, you know,

until you're leaving
the next day, you know,

because now
there's light in the room.

You look around the room
in daylight,

and you realize you just
spent the night

with five guys you don't know,
and two of them

look like Buffalo Bill,

and three of them have
probably done prison time.

And then you go
to the train station,

and you call home and you say,
"Yeah, hey, mom, I'm in Prague.

Yeah, it's cool here."

And mom is clueless, you know?

But speaking of Mom, I have
a question for you, Darcy.

If you're traveling on the 405,

let's say you're traveling
on the 405.

-Yes.
-This scene I think was

on the 405 that we saw.

-Okay.
-After dropping your

ethnic Serbian, raised in
America daughter at LAX.

-Yes.
-And you're taking the taxi

back to Burbank.
-Yes.

-And the truck is in front of
you carrying giant

steel construction girders.

-Okay.
-And suddenly the truck

hits the brakes.
-Yes?

-Don't the girders
all go forward?!

Don't they spill out on to
the 405 in front of the truck?

-I believe that's
what they would do, yes.

-They don't launch backward
when you hit the brakes

and take your head off.

-No, they don't.
-That's what I thought.

-But it's way more fun
if they do.

-You like this movie,
too, then?

-I do.
-Okay.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

-Come on, we got to go!

-Where's Richard?

-There was a fire.

-Wait a minute!
-Fire?

What happened to Richard?

-He didn't make it.
-What?

Hey, let's get the
fuck out of here!

-We can't just leave him here!

-He's dead!

All right?

He's dead, goddamn it!

We got to go. Come on, let's go!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Train chugging]

[Train whistle blowing]

♪♪

-Stop! Stop!

[All shouting]

Stop!

Hey!

Stop!

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Stop! Stop!

[Train rails clanking]

[All shouting]

-Melanie!
-Come on!

Come on, you can do it, come on!

-Give me your hand!

Come on, give me your hand!

A little more!

Come on, give me your hand,
a little bit faster!

-Come on!
-Come on!

-You can get up, come on!

♪♪

Melanie!

-Ah!

-We can't just leave her there!

-Larry!

[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

-Are you all right?

-No.

-Come on, we got to
get ahead of them.

-Come on.
-Ow!

-Kevin, come on!

Come on, we'll help you,
come on!

Hurry up, Kevin!
I'll help you!

[Clattering]

What are we gonna do?

-Go stop the train.

[Rails clanking]

Oh, shit.

We need some help.

Can you tell us where
the train is going?

When does the train stop?

Can anybody help us?

[Train rails clanking]

-Hey, mister,
when's the next stop?

-[Speaking Serbian]

-Does anybody speak English?

-Hey!
Hey, check this out.

-[Speaking Serbian]

-Look, we're in trouble.

Do you speak English?
Do you understand?

-Please.

I really need to get to a phone.

-You got to stop the train.
We've got friends back there.

-Somebody got killed.
We need the police.

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-Okay.

Okay, don't worry.

I little English, do understand.

But I never have
practice to speak.

Come, come.

Come, Bosco will do.

[Whistle blowing]

[Uneven flute music]

Please, come.

-Hey, these people really know
how to travel in style, huh?

-No, not people.

Only rich, like kings,
barons, and counts.

Never people.

Please, help to it, be at home.

Marius.

Marius, he ride with me.

Keep Bosco company.

Very good company.

He no speak.

Never speak.

Maybe hear, maybe not.

Maybe no tongue.

Best company in the world.

He tell no lies.

[Uneven flute music]

Now let us hear your story.

[Train chugging]

♪♪

♪♪

-Listen, two of your friends
are still back in Ufir.

Can you do something?

-Do something?

Do something?

Oh, yeah.

Take you to police
for next stop.

That's what I do.

Tell them, they do something.

Bosco can do nothing.

-Do you have a radio?
-A radio? [Laughs]

A radio, no.

-Hey, hey, hey, just
tell us the next stop.

-Next stop.

10 hours and 42 minutes.

[Laughs] Not so fast
as capitalists time.

[Laughing]

-Man, we got to do
something to get out of here.

-[Panting]

[Distant bird hooting]

[Groaning]

-I think it's broken.

Oh, Jesus.

We got to make a splint.

-How?

-Get some wood.

♪♪

Get down!

[Train rails clanking]

[Erratic flute music]

♪♪

[Train chugging]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Trains rails clanking]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Train chugging]

♪♪

-Mitre!

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Train squealing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Steam hissing]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Fire crackling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Whistle blowing]

[Steam hissing]

-Mitre! Mitre!

-[Speaking Serbian]

Mitre!

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Train chugging]

Mitre!

-[Shouting in Serbian]

Mitre!

-[Shouting in Serbian]

[Fire rumbling]

[Groans]

-Mitre! Mitre!

-[Shouting in Serbian]

Mitre!

Mitre!

-[Screams]

[Screaming]

[Crunching]

[Screams]

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-Help me with the door.

♪♪

♪♪

-They're disconnecting
the train.

[Kevin shouting]

-Help!

-[Shouting]

[Shouting]

-Ah!

[Train whistle blowing]

[Train rails clanking]

[Static crackles]

-Okay, so somebody
made the decision,

let's do three quick
supernatural kills

and get rid
of the entire train crew, right?

And the person who did that,

I'm pretty certain,
was Ovidio Assonitis,

the Greek producer

who put this whole
weird beard project together.

And you told me you thought
this movie's slow.

-It's a little slow.
-We're 36 minutes in,

and numerous people have been
offed very imaginative ways.

-It gets way better
when the train kills start.

-Well, anyway,
Ovidio Assonitis

is one of those larger than life
personalities that were always

hanging around
the Cannes film market

in the '60s, '70s, and '80s,

making hundreds of deals
for thousands of movie bookings

involving exploitation flicks
in all languages.

He was a director, a producer,
but really his main job,

he was a distributor.

The best way to describe Ovidio

is he was
the Samuel Arkoff of Asia,

if you know who Sam Arkoff was.

Or he was the low budget
Harvey Weinstein

in the years when Weinstein
ruled the foreign markets.

So the reason people think
this is an Italian movie

even though it has
American actors

and an American director,
is that Ovidio Assonitis was

based in Rome,
and he sent his Italian crew

to Serbia to make it.

And the reason it's called
"Beyond the Door III"

is that Ovidio's
breakthrough movie,

the one he was known for
within the indie film industry,

was "Beyond the Door 1",
which was a blatant rip off

of both "Rosemary's Baby"
and "The Exorcist."

And the owners of both of those
movies threatened to sue him.

And then Warner Bros.
did sue him.

And the lawsuit went on
for three years.

But Assonitis
wouldn't back down,

even though he freely admitted
he had based "Beyond the Door"

on the original stories
of the other two movies.

So behavior like that wins
you all kinds of allies

in the international film world,

especially since he made
"Beyond the Door" for $150,000,

and he made a profit
of $40 million on it.

So listen carefully.

So "Beyond the Door 1",

in 1974, was Ovidio Assonitis'
"Exorcist" rip off

that also had elements
of "Rosemary's Baby" in it,

starring Juliet Mills
as an English wife

and mom who gets
miraculously pregnant.

She starts having wild mood
swings and hallucinations.

She gets stalked
by a strange man

as she develops Linda Blair
type symptoms of possession.

And it's all, of course, because
she's carrying Satan's baby.

So that's the big indie hit.

In 1977, Ovidio produces
Mario Bava's last film,

which was called "Shock",
but the local distributor

has the right to rename it,
so he calls it

"Beyond the Door II."

Daria Nicolodi's
husband commits suicide.

Then her son starts acting
weird, and she finds out

he's possessed by
the restless ghost

of his father, her ex-husband.

It has nothing to do with
"Beyond the Door 1",

except that they're both
supernatural horror.

Okay, now it's 1989, 15 years
after the original movie.

Nobody remembers
"Beyond the Door."

Nobody remembers
"Beyond the Door II."

So why would you call this movie
"Beyond the Door III"?

Because the foreign buyers
remember "Beyond the Door",

the guy from Singapore
and the guy from South Africa

and all the other territories

that come
to the Cannes film market.

"Beyond the Door" is famous.

It's as famous as "Billy Jack"
in the indie world

because the amount of money
that they made that one year.

So "Beyond the Door III"
is a title that ensures

the movie will get
sold all over the world,

even though it's the worst title
in the history of movies!

[Laughter]

And by the way,
that Warner Bros. lawsuit,

it just went on and on and on.

And even though the judge
impounded $20 million

of Oviedo's money,
he still refused to settle.

So finally he was in LA
for some reason,

and he just went over
to Warner Bros.,

knocked on the door.

He asked to see
the business affairs lawyer

who was handling the lawsuit,
and he said,

"Look, you're never
going to win this.

I'm not going to quit.

This thing is going to cost you
more money than it costs me."

He leaves a couple of days later
with the lawsuit dropped

and a three picture deal
to make movies

for Warner Bros. overseas!

Okay, so that's
Ovidio Assonitis.

His main office is in Rome,
but he also has offices in

Hong Kong, Singapore,
Manila, Jakarta,

because he's making movies
in English,

but they never have to be
released in Europe or the U.S.

He can just make back
his budgets with profit

even if he just sells them
into Asian markets.

So he was the king
of Asian exploitation.

And also the reason the acting
in the movie is kind of uneven

is the director
cast American actors,

but they were American actors
living in Rome.

So the talent pool
was not that enormous.

Everybody was cast
in either Belgrade or Rome,

including Bo Svenson.

He was on a European binge
at that time.

Okay, much more to this story,

but I can't go on
all night, so...

-Too late for that.

-Well, let's get back
to the movie.

You told me you loved the kills.

-I do. They're not just kills.
They're over kills.

One character gets killed
three times in one scene.

-And of course,
that's what we love here

at "The Last Drive In", kills.

-Yes, we do.
-Roll it.

And most of the movie takes
place on this galdarn train.

You know, that had to be
a mess to shoot.

And they only had
the train for a week.

It would take somebody
like Ovidio Assonitis

to go into a negotiation

with the National Train
Service of Yugoslavia

and get them to say,
"Yeah, you can use our train.

And also you can use
our train control center

and our personnel."

The original title of the movie,
by the way, before it became

"Beyond the Door III"
was "Train Amok."

And I think there are
some video copies out there

that still have
that title on them.

"Train Amok" is an awful title,
but it's still better than

"Beyond the Door III", right?

-Agreed.
-Also, correct me if I'm wrong,

Darcy, but didn't the conductor
say, "I can't help you contact

the police until the next stop,"
and the next stop is --

and he's checking his watch
and everything.

10 hours and 42 minutes,
you know?

What kind of train runs
for 11 hours without stopping?

Wouldn't you be able to cross
all of Yugoslavia in 11 hours?

I mean, it doesn't
really look like

they're on the Orient Express,
you know?

-How about you ridden on a train

for like three or four days
at a time?

-Yeah, I love trains.
But the train stopped, though.

They let people get on
the train and off the train.

And they had radios.

You know, the guys working
on the train, they had radios.

They could call
the Amtrak police, you know?

-I don't think Yugoslavia
had Amtrak police.

-No, but they probably had
Yugo track police or something.

They were -- Yugoslavia
were masters of transportation

because they invented
the Yugo.

-What's a Yugo?

-You never heard of the Yugo?

The Yugo was basically a car
for people

who couldn't afford a car.

I think it was
the cheapest car ever sold

and probably the most
dangerous car ever sold.

I don't even know --
does it still exist?

Do they still make the Yugo?

If a Gremlin or a Pinto
was too fancy for you,

you bought a Yugo.

You know, so Yugoslavian
engineering at its finest.

And you don't remember

the Gremlin or the Pinto
either, do you?

-I mean, they were
before my time.

-All right, well, it was
if you took a Chevy Spark...

-That one I have heard of.
-Okay.

Take a Chevy Spark and put
a lawn mower engine in it.

-Okay.
-That was the Yugo.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

-Try the windows!

-What happened?
-The conductor died.

I can't get it.
-The brake's not working!

-I can't get the window down!
-Let's pull together.

Pull, pull, pull!

-I can't!
-Try the other one!

-No.
Try this one, come on.

No, it won't open!

Pull!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Radio buzzing]

♪♪

-Beverly, you must come with me!

Everything was decided
many years ago,

before you were born.

Before your mother or your
mother's mother was born.

I want you to go
with me now, Beverly.

In a sacred ceremony.

-What ceremony?

-The passion play.

Your coronation as
the Princess of Darkness.

♪♪

-I don't understand.

-Of course you don't.

Think about your mark, Beverly.

Your sacred mark.

-You mean my birthmark?

-Yes, the Prince marked you
so that no one else

could have you first.

-Who marked me?

-My master, Lucifer,
the Prince of Darkness.

-I don't believe you.
It isn't true!

-I can prove it,

through your friends,
Beverly, if I must.

-What do they
have to do with it?

-Nothing.

They are expendable.

♪♪

-Please, leave them alone.

-They have to die now, Beverly.

-No!

-They have
treated you so poorly.

-No!
-Oh, dear Beverly,

if only you knew what was
waiting you as his bride.

Go with me, now,
go with me, Beverly.

-I'd die before I go with you!

-You will not die.

-I will!

-But you see, child,
you cannot die.

-I don't believe any of this!

I'm going crazy.

-Do you think this is a dream?

-I'm losing my mind.
This is just a dream.

-Beverly, this is not a dream.

-No, it's not, it's me!

I know it's me, I'm going crazy!

You'll have to prove
to me otherwise.

♪♪

♪♪

-Beverly,

I'm your mom.

-Mama!

[Train whistle blowing]

[Train chugging]

[Train rails clanking]

-Where's Beverly?

-I don't know. I haven't
seen her since last night.

-Knowing her, she probably
locked herself in the head.

-She probably drowned.

[Water sloshing]

[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Grunts]

-Are you okay?

♪♪

[Bell ringing]

[Ball thumping]

[Train rumbling]

-There's something up ahead.

We're coming to a town.

[Train whistle blowing]

♪♪

-[Screams]

[Woman shouting]

-Help! Help! Help!

-Stop the train!

-Help!

[Bell ringing]

[Crowd shouting]

[Telephone ringing]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Man speaking Serbian]

[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Geese honking]

[Train whistle blowing]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Man speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Indistinct shouting]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Birds calling]

[Train whistle blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, Jesus, it's cold in here.

-Hey, anybody in here?

Beverly, are you in here?

♪♪

[Clattering]

♪♪

-[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

-Who are you?

-It's not your business.

-You speak English.

She speaks English.

-Don't mess with Sava.

-Look, maybe you can help us.

We're looking for
a friend of ours.

An American girl, blonde hair --

-What'd you do with her?!

-Where is she?

-Sava's a thief, not a killer!

[Switchblade clicks]

[Spits]

♪♪

♪♪

[Rumbling]

♪♪

-Listen, guys,

your friend is up
there in the engine.

-I don't wanna go up there.

-You wanna help her,
you have to go in there.

-I'm gonna go check it out.

-Go!

Go, come on, let's go!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Beverly!

Beverly!

Beverly, are you in here?

♪♪

There's no one driving
the damn train!

♪♪

Beverly, you all right?

You guys, she's in here!

♪♪

Come here,
come help me get her out.

-Get up.
-Get her hand.

-Come on, get up, get up!

-Get her hand, I got her.

Are you okay?

-I'm fine.

♪♪

-Hey, what do you
think you're doing?!

-Hey, what're you doing?!

-I wanna stop the train!

That's what you wanted, right?

-That won't stop
the engine, you fool!

-Well, do it yourself!

I can't do it anyway.

-We didn't mean to offend you.

Just we need to go over there.

-Hey, you have any idea
how to stop this train?

-I'm gonna go try
and stop the engine.

-No!

You can't go in there,
it's dangerous!

-I've gotta try something.

-You can't go in there.

♪♪

[Static]

-Okay. So, Darcy,
correct me if I'm wrong,

but Beverly is entranced.

-I'm not sure what you mean.
-She's in a trance.

She makes her way
to the engine of the train

for no discernible reason,

except Professor Andromolek

talks to her
in this disembodied voice.

I think that's
Professor Andromolek.

His voice resides
in the engine of the train,

and it informs her that,
A, she's been chosen

since the beginning of time
to be the princess of darkness,

the bride of Lucifer, and, B,
all her friends have to die.

And she doesn't seem that upset
by either threat.

In fact, she's not a very active
heroine in this movie.

She basically bounces
around the train

while other people try to escape
and die horrible deaths.

Or -- Or do they try to escape?

I mean, haven't there been
several opportunities

to simply jump off
the fucking train?

I mean -- I mean, anyways,
not moving that fast anyway.

That actress playing Beverly
is Mary Kohnert,

who had a very brief career.

She had about six years,
six-year career,

11 movies and TV shows.

She was on
"Freddy's Nightmares."

She was on "Star Trek:
The Next Generation,"

but she just vanishes
after 1992.

So this voice is talking to her

through some kind of silver
thermos bottle, you know,

and we've got
this new character, Sava,

the tough-talking
switchblade bearer

and thief who decides
to help them because...

not sure why
she tries to help them.

So what's the plan here?

You know, they're trying
to uncouple the cars,

but they're in the part
of the train

where it doesn't matter
if they uncouple the cars

because it's part
of the runaway train

that'll keep running away.
Right?

So -- Also, why does Lucifer

choose to work with a train
in the first place?

In the pantheon
of tools of the devil,

it's kind of a clumsy weapon.

So the director of the film
was this guy named Jeff Kwitny,

LA native who had
a master's degree in English,

and he was primarily a writer.

And in fact, most of his success

would come as a writer
of children's television.

He won an Emmy for "Animaniacs."

And he -- And he -- he wrote
for "Pinky and the Brain."

But in the early '80s, he was
trying to break into film.

And so he got
a production assistant job

with Roger Corman on that
weird movie "Love Letters,"

the one with Jamie Lee Curtis
and James Keach.

And then somehow he met
Ovidio Assonitis,

and Ovidio liked
his director's reel --

He had made some short films --
and hired him as a writer

and flew him back and forth
between LA and Rome

and gave him an office
in the Parioli District of Rome,

kind of the Beverly Hills
of Rome.

So cool job,
and Kwitny read this novel

by Jerzy Kosinski
called "The Painted Bird,"

and that was the idea
that sparked this movie.

Students on a field trip to
the Balkans going back in time,

trapped in a medieval forest.

And Ovidio liked the idea

and he asked him
if he wanted to direct it.

But Ovidio had this
terrible reputation

for being mean to directors.

And in fact, he's the guy
who fired James Cameron

from his first job directing
"Piranha II: The Spawning."

So Kwitny decided,

"Well, I'm going to call up
James Cameron

and see if I should
take this job."

So he calls up James Cameron

at his offices
at 20th Century Fox,

where he was working
at the time.

And he told James Cameron,
"This is what I'm about to do."

And Cameron goes,
"Oh, my God,

Assonitis -- don't work for him.
He's insane."

But Kwitny, he had no other
job prospects at the time,

so he took the job anyway.

And he was given a script

which had what he would later
call wild visions in it,

and he was given two
full-time translators,

because the crew
spoke Italian only,

the local actors
spoke Serbian only.

And so at production meetings,

everything had to be said
three times.

And he was also
given this small

machine-gun-equipped militia
to protect the production

because Yugoslavia
was on the verge

of breaking into civil war.

And I don't know about you,
but once they say

"And by the way,
don't worry about being killed,

you'll be surrounded
by machine guns,"

I'm probably heading
back to LA,

but Jeff Kwitny,
he stuck it out.

He had a $900,000 budget,
and he pretty much got to do

what he wanted to do
with that budget.

But they told him,

"Don't worry about
the kill scenes, though,

because Ovidio
is going to come in later

and do those scenes himself."

And he only had one stuntman.

So 99% of the stunts
had to be done by the actors.

So they really do
jump onto the train.

They really do jump from
car to car on a moving train.

And in fact,
Ovidio showed up one day

and looked at
the previous day's footage

and he got upset because he says
"The train's moving too slow.

It doesn't look realistic."

And, you know, because
the actors were jumping around

on the train that day.

So the most important thing

given to Jeff Kwitny
was the cinematographer,

Adolfo Bartoli,
always a perfectionist,

no matter what
he was working on.

And that's why so much
of the film looks so beautiful.

All right. This is the part
that drags in the middle

because there's
way too much plot

getting in the way of the story.

So roll it.

-Man, I was waiting
for you to say that.

-This is the part --

This is the part you --
you think is slow.

-Yes.
-All right.

But it's the calm
before the storm.

-I hate the calm
before the storm.

-You can't have constant storm.

-Oh, but you can actually.

-You know, someday, Darcy,
I want you to write down

the Darcy principles
of screenwriting.

You know?
-It must be fun.

Heads must roll.

-That's it?
-I mean, what else is there?

-Boobs.
You didn't mention boobs.

-True. And "byu-ttocks."

-Agree-- You said "byu-ttocks."
-Yes, I did.

-See, I'm rubbing off on you.

-Let's not go that far.

♪♪

[Static]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

♪♪

-[Groaning]

[Whimpering]

-Are you all right?

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

-Hey,

I think there's a house
over there.

Come on.

It's just a little way.

Come on.

Come on.

♪♪

-[Groaning]

♪♪

-Come on.

Come on.

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

There's nobody here.

-Where did the smoke
come from then?

Larry.

[Train rumbling]

-You keeping something from us?

What's with you?

-What're you talking about,
Angel?

-You were up at that engine
a long time.

Come on, Putnic.

I mean, you are
hiding something.

What's with you?

I mean, what's gotten you
so freaked out?

-Anybody want to
give me a hand?

-Leave me alone.

You're not my friends.

You never cared about me.

You don't understand anything.

You always thought I was just
a stupid, ugly little kid.

-Hey, guys, I think
our little Bevy

has finally slipped
off her mark.

I think I understand.

You got this
frightened little girl

who wants to get laid, right?

And you got this
big horny engineer

all alone in a hot locomotive.

So the big guy pops her cherry,

and no more baby Beverly.

She's a hot woman now.

She's feeling guilty as sin.

The first fuck of her life

so she kills
the guys who fucked her.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-You know, you really
fucking blew it back there.

Telling her that
she killed those guys?

She couldn't hurt a fly.

-I know.

I feel really bad.

I kinda flipped out
for a second.

Kevin?

-What?

-[Whispers indistinctly]

-What?
-Do you love me?

-Yes.

-What is it you like about me?

-[Chuckles]

I don't know.

Your hair, your mouth,

your eyes, everything.

-Do you think I'm pretty?

-[Chuckles] Yes.

-Come here.

I want you by me.

♪♪

-[Whimpering]

♪♪

-How're you doing?

-Great.

Time to party.

-Glad that you're
feeling better.

-I'm not.

Just a little gallows humor.

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Train whistle blowing]

-So what're you doing
on this damn train?

-I work on train.
-You work for the railroad?

-I work for Sava.

People can forget things
in train.

Watches, purses, suitcases.

And also, once a week
the train goes to Skopje.

Immigrants send money there
back to their family.

Nobody sends money to Sava,

so she had to
take care of herself.

-You haven't been
busted yet, huh?

-[Chuckles]

Sava smart.

She knows what she's doing.

I only take 10%
from each envelope.

[Chuckles]

-Hey, listen, do you
think this will work?

-It is possibility.

But we are against
powerful evil here.

-I don't believe in that crap.

-Is your problem.

-You don't think it was just all
a bunch of accidents, huh?

-Fireman, engineer,
conductor all dead.

No accident.

-I mean, you try and pull
this gypsy double talk on me.

-I wish it was true
what you say.

Something is terrible here.

-I want you so bad.

Please, will you love me?

Kiss me.

♪♪

[Gurgling]

[Squelching]

♪♪

[Cracking]

♪♪

[Squelching]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Clanking]

[All yelling]

[Rumbling]

-[Yelping]

[Rumbling]

[Whooshing]

[Rumbling]

[Clattering]

[Rumbling]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Train chugging]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Train whistle blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Crunching]

♪♪

♪♪

[Train whistling blowing]
-Melanie, hold it!

Hold it!

Hear that?

-We're getting closer.

[Rumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Rumbling]

♪♪

-You hear that?

♪♪

-We're getting closer.

♪♪

[Rumbling]

[Screams]

♪♪

[Glass shatters]

[Rumbling]

-[Groaning]

[Train rails clanking]

[Static]

-You know, Darcy,
when the train

starts going off the tracks
and plowing through the forest

and running down
the middle of rivers

and cutting
people's heads off --

And how does -- How does the
train cut Melanie's head off?

How does that work?

Anyway, when the train
gets freaky,

you got to give credit
to the crack

Ovidio Assonitis
special effects department

for what they did with those

"Thomas the Tank Engine"
miniatures.

That was damned impressive.

-I know, right?
It was awesome.

-What was the --
What was the ultimate purpose

of the whole Larry
and Melanie subplot

struggling through
the woods with his broken leg,

finding the splint, you know,

barging into Yoda's shack
from the "Empire Strikes Back,"

whatever that place was,
poling down the creek

like Huckleberry Finn,
just so they can become smudges

on the fancy grillework
of the Death Train?

-I don't get it either.

Maybe it's to show that the
train is being driven by Satan.

-I think they've shown us that
several times.

Why is Melanie
so emotionless, though?

She doesn't even seem
that into it

when she bitch slaps Christie.

-But I do love the maggot kiss
and the Christie face peel.

-Oh, true.
Is there a reason

why somebody would suddenly
peel their own face off, though?

It didn't seem motivated.

-Actually, there is.

-You're not going to say
she was suffering from BDD?

-Probably not,
but it's a possibility.

-I always forget what
that stands for.

B--

-Body dysmorphic disorder.

-Body dysmorphic disorder.

No, I say
the devil made her do it.

The devil made her
peel her face off.

-I like that better.

-And, you know,
the more I think about it,

Ovidio Assonitis really changed
film history in several ways

because after he made all
that money on "Beyond the Door,"

he kept ripping off
big studio titles,

paving the way for Asylum
to do the same thing today.

He was the first guy
to make a cannibal movie.

He produced Umberto Lenzi's
"Man from Deep River"

that started
the whole cannibal cycle.

But the movie he was ripping off
when he made

"The Man from Deep River"

was "A Man Called Horse."

"Who Saw Her Die?"
that was a rip off of

Nicolas Roeg's
"Don't Look Now."

He made deals with everybody
from American International

to Columbia Pictures
to Toho in Tokyo.

Two of his films made the video
nasty list in England --

"Man From Deep River"
and "Madhouse."

Oh, and he made the immortal
"Forever Emmanuelle."

And of course,
who could ever forget

"Super Stooges vs
the Wonder Women" in 1974?

-Is that a real movie?
-Absolutely.

Melissa Longo
as the Amazon Queen.

-Oh, theMelissa Longo?

-The very same. Melissa Longo.
-Wow.

-All right, let's get back

to the supernaturally
possessed runaway train.

Kudos to the second unit for all
that helicopter photography,

by the way,
because I do believe

there are
several cast members --

Aren't there several cast
members that are still alive?

And as Bo Svenson
informed us earlier,

they must all die before Beverly
can have sex with Satan.

So roll it.

You had sex with Satan
on Walpurgisnacht.

-Indeed.

-How was that?
-Hot.

[Laughter]

-Well, in this movie,
Satan only wants virgins, so...

-I mean, how do you know
I wasn't a virgin?

-Oh, well, okay.

I guess I shouldn't assume.
I wouldn't -- you know --

You know,
but I wouldn't expect Satan

to go to all this trouble
to have sex with Mary Kohnert

because she just
doesn't seem that kinky.

And I would expect Beelzebub,
he's got to be a freak, right?

-Oh, he is.
-Okay.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-[Speaking Serbian]
[Telephone ringing]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

♪♪

[Train rails clanking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I killed Melanie and Larry.

I killed Christie and Richard.

I'm destined to kill all of you.

I didn't know.

I've been the instrument
of the devil.

I won't be anymore.

I don't want anyone else
to die because of me.

-Oh, God, help me!

Get something, get some sheets!

♪♪

[Clanking]

[Metal creaking]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Metal creaking]

[Train rails clanking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Give me the bomb.

Come on.

-[Grunts]

♪♪

-Help! Help!

Help!

Help! Help!

♪♪

♪♪

-I can't see.
-Help me! Help!

Don't let me die!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

[Metal clanking]

[Squelching]

-No!

-[Screams]

Kevin!

♪♪

Oh, God!

Kevin!

♪♪

[Train whistle blowing]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Conversations in Serbian]
[Metal clanking]

[Train chugging]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Rumbling]

-Hello?!

[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Engines start]

[Train chugging]

[Train whistle blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Explosion]

[Geese honking]

-[Laughing]

-Angel!

Angel, what're you doing?!

-[Laughing]

♪♪

♪♪

Beverly!

[Train whistle blowing]

Beverly!

-Watch out, get inside!

-[Yelling]

-Angel!

-[Laughing]

[Squelching]

♪♪

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Train whistling blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Train horn blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-Go, go, Beverly, go!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Explosion]

♪♪

♪♪

[Explosions]

[Beeping]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Steam hisses]

[Stones clacking]

[Clacks echoing]

[Clacks echoing]

-[Crying]

[Stones clacking]

[Uneven flute music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Pleasant music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-Marius, you sly dog.

You've been hiding
inside your monk's hood,

playing your flute,
waiting for your chance

to drop trou and hit on Beverly.

And she's interested in sex,
after all.

But first, Darcy, you want a --
you want a marshmallow?

-I am actually good.
Thank you.

-Really?
-It's not --

-I'm sure they're vegan.
-They are not vegan.

-Yeah.
These are vegan marshmallows.

We got them --

-You're a liar. You're a liar.

-Anyway, Darcy, that --

that has to be the best kill
in the movie.

The one where Kevin
gets pulled in half.

And then when the top half
of his body hits the tracks,

the wheel of the train
cuts off his head.

-Oh, heck yeah. That's awesome.

-I never liked Kevin.

In fact,
one problem with the script is

that you don't really like
any of these people in the cast.

That was William Geiger
as Kevin,

and we just witnessed
half of William's career.

His only other movie was

Roger Corman's
"Frankenstein Unbound"

one year after this.

And I never thought
I would say this,

but I'm very happy to see that

the rock-clanking Serbian
senior citizens are back.

It's time to turn the train back

in to the Yugoslavian
railroad authorities,

all of whom apparently got
acting roles in the movie.

All those people at

the Yugoslavian railway
command center.

Did we really need those scenes?

I guess we did,
to explain how they're trying

to derail the train
or slow it down.

But they're talking Serbian
and we can't understand them,

but we don't care, right?

So as the zombified villagers
arrive to reclaim their virgin,

I'm going to let
this baby roll to the end

because it's quite an ending.

Jeff Kwitny, the director,

said he was trying to --
to create a Brothers Grimm look

in these final scenes,
and helping out with that

is the old woman that we've seen
several times earlier,

Olga Poznatov,
as the crazy old crone.

She was actually born
in a small Serbian village

like the one in the movie.

And when Kwitny saw her
for the first time, he went,

"Okay, sold, that's an authentic
old-school witch. She's hired."

You have anything to add, Darcy?

-Just that they should
have had more naked Marius.

-Oh, yeah.

Well, it's always about the
"byu-ttocks" with you, right?

-Not just the "byu-ttocks."

-All right, let's go.

Back to the movie.

When he said he wanted
a Brothers Grimm atmosphere...

You know, people say that.

What -- What fairy tale, though,

are you talking about
when you say that?

-"Hansel and Gretel"?
-Well, maybe.

I mean, but it could also be
"Little Red Riding Hood," right?

The Brothers Grimm have a lot
of stories about young innocents

going into the dark,
dangerous woods.

That's one of their staples.
That's a -- That's a trope.

-"Rapunzel" maybe.
-"Rapunzel" maybe

because the witch was trying to

keep her prisoner forever,
right?

Didn't Walt Disney do all
the Brothers Grimm stories?

-They did the best ones,
for sure.

-Were they really named Grimm,
the brothers?

Or was that a marketing thing?

-I never actually
thought about that.

-Because they were grim.

They were into violence
and cruelty,

but they packaged the stories
for children, you know?

One thing we know is that
if you're the young pretty girl

in a Brothers Grimm story,

you're going to be assaulted
in one way or another.

-True.
-And so how long before

the Brothers Grimm get canceled?

-Any day now.

-I know, right?
-Yeah.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Horse hooves clattering]

[Stones clacking]

♪♪

♪♪

-Welcome.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-What happens now?

-He will not be gentle, Beverly.

That is not his way.

But your new life
will be fantastic.

I am happy for you to
be with the Master,

always forever.

This is wonderful.

Tell me,

are you happy?

-I can hardly wait.

Afterwards, I can have
everything I want.

-Yes, you will sit to
the right of the Master

and every passion,
everything that before

has been forbidden for mankind,

everything will
be yours forever.

-Things won't be
so different then.

I thought afterwards,
everything would change.

-But it will, Beverly,
for the better.

-Passion, greed, and envy

will run rampant in the world?

-Yes.

Oh,

that pleases you.

My dearest Beverly,

I am so proud I picked you,

and my Master

will be so pleased.

-I wouldn't have missed this
for anything.

And will I see you again
afterwards?

-Afterwards, you are his.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Screaming]

-[Growling]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-No!

♪♪

[Explosion]

♪♪

No!

♪♪

No!

[Thunder rumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Wind howling]

[Wind stops]

-Miss Putnic?

-Yes?

-You must make new passport.

-Why?

-This picture is not acceptable.

When was it shot?

Three months ago?

You look so different.

Come back to our country.

-Thank you.

-Miss Putnic! Miss Putnic!

Wait, wait.

I'm glad I caught you.

A gentleman left this
on the desk for you.

He said that you lost it.

-Who left it?

Is he still here?
-Yes.

There he is.

♪♪

♪♪

-Thanks.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Plane rumbling]

[Bell ringing]

-Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.

We are experiencing
a bit of turbulence.

We request that you
remain in your seats

with your seat belts fastened

and please refrain from smoking,
thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

[Thunder rumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Glass shatters]

♪♪

♪♪

-Miss?

Miss?

Are you all right?

Miss?

Are you all right?

You must've had a nightmare.

Can I get you something?

-I ju--

I wanna go home.

[Uneven flute music plays]

♪♪

[Pleasant music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-So Marius was burned
at the stake unjustly

for demonic practices.

And then 500 years later,
the Church recognized

he was actually one of the
greatest defenders of the faith

and a warrior against Satan
so he was canonized.

So he's the patron saint
of boning.

I guess he's like God's agent,
traveling the world,

aardvarking with virgins

so that they can never
be used by the devil.

-Nice job.

-All right. One of the better
Vatican assignments.

So Ovidio Assonitis never --
never stopped.

He's still making movies today.
He's in his 80s.

He became head of Canon Pictures

during those years
when it was losing money

and he almost turned it around.

But listen to this.

He has another
"Beyond the Door" picture

in pre-production as we speak,

"Embryo: Beyond the Door."

So it sounds like a prequel.

Also, he's making a movie about
the George Floyd murder case,

and he's making
a young adult romance flick

called "The Disappearing Girl,"

directed by
a 15-year-old female director.

Altogether, he's been associated
with more than 2,000 movies

as either producer,
director, or distributor.

He always uses a pseudonym,

though,
if he's in a creative role.

He is Oliver Hellman
as a director.

Jeff Kwitny,
the director of this movie,

didn't stick around
the film business much longer.

After writing a few movies
and he directed three movies,

he became an English teacher

at the prestigious
Harvard-Westlake Prep School

in Beverly Hills.

He was there 20 years.

He just recently retired
to become a novelist.

And of course, of course,
we know Harvard-Westlake.

That's the school
that Angel goes to every day

before she goes down to
Hollywood Boulevard at night

to turn tricks.

Honor student by day,
hooker by night.

All those high school scenes
in "Angel"

were shot at Harvard-Westlake.

The only participant
in the movie

besides Assonitis
who continued in the business

is the Swedish giant
Bo Svenson.

We know him best
as Sheriff Buford Pusser

in the "Walking Tall" movies
and in the TV series,

but he had a ton of very
peculiar indie film roles.

"He will not be gentle.
That is not his way."

That was -- That was his --

That was his big line
in this movie.

How many actors, though,
can deliver that line

and make us believe it?

We talked about Bo a lot
when we showed

"Butcher, Baker,
Nightmare Maker."

He emigrated to Hollywood
from Sweden

when he was 17 years old.

He served six years
in the US Marines.

He got his acting breakthrough

in "The Great Waldo Pepper"
opposite Robert Redford.

He played the creature

in "Mary Shelley's
Original Frankenstein" on TV,

had huge roles in
"North Dallas Forty,"

"Delta Force,"
"Heartbreak Ridge."

He was rediscovered
by Quentin Tarantino

in "Kill Bill"
and "Inglourious Basterds."

He was in both of them,

and he had starred in the first
"Inglorious Bastards."

In 1978, he was inducted into
the Martial Arts Hall of Fame

for his prowess
as a judo master

and his tireless promotion
of judo.

He's just like Charles Durning,

famous for taking any and
every role he was ever offered,

which meant guys like
Ovidio Assonitis loved him,

putting him in films that were
never seen in the United States

but released in the rest
of the world.

And at the time
of this movie,

he had made 17 movies
in just five years.

His agent was the notorious
Attilio Santos,

who represented a lot of talent
out of his Rome headquarters.

And the way Bo tells it

is he took the role
of Professor Andromolek

after the following
phone call --

"Bo, I've got a movie for you."

"Does it pay?"

"Yes."
"I'll take it."

So he became
Professor Andromolek

before he even heard
the character name.

But Ovidio Assonitis
was a friend of his,

but Ovidio told him later
he only got the part

because Terence Stamp
turned down the part.

And that's about it, Darcy.

I love this movie
the way I love "Demon Wind."

It's similar to "Demon Wind"
in my opinion.

Just like in some alternate
universe, they --

they're --
they're a double feature.

All right.

What about you?
What do you think?

-Really sweet kills.
-All right.

You do have to give them
a credit

for spending a lot of time
and money

on the body ripping part
of the movie.

-Yes.
-And I have to say,

they made good use
of their locations.

They found the right forest,
the right village,

and the train --
it was a nice touch.

-"Runaway Train"
meets "The Omen."

-Pretty much sums it up.
All right. What you got for me?

-It's from the author
of "The Final Girl:

How Horror Movies Made Me
a Better Feminist."

-Okay.

Oh, Kris Rose?
-Yes.

-All right. Awesome.

Uh, here we go.

Here's the --
Here's the book.

"How Horror Movies Made Me
a Better Feminist."

"Dear Joe Bob and Diana."
-Eh, whatever.

-All right. "Here's the zine
version of a horror lecture

I did back in January of 2020.

I just finished editing
my rough draft

of my newest zine
about hagsploitation

and sent you an e-mail
about getting your opinions.

Thank you for showing
'The Baby,'

which is one of my favorites.

Sorry about the Sharpie
and the handwriting.

I hope you can read this.
I'm a fan of youse guys.

Don't let the bastards
get you down.

Yours ghouly, Kris Rose,
AKA The Night Hag.

Tulsa, Oklahoma.

PS, please do a hagsploitation
episode next season."

And Kris came to the show
that we did in Tulsa,

so I was able to talk
hagsploitation with her.

She's aware of some titles that
I did not know about, but --

but I guess they're in --
in her article.

But she says there are at least
30 hagsploitation movies

in that particular subgenre,

and I read her zine
on the subject,

but every time I talk about
hagsploitation,

you are not a fan.

You're just not a fan
of hagsploitation.

-It depends how it's presented.

-What about the classic

"What Ever Happened
to Baby Jane?"

and the companion movie
that came out a year later,

"Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte"?

"Baby Jane" was a big hit.

Bette Davis, Joan Crawford.

Then they they tried
to pair them together again

for "Hush... Hush,
Sweet Charlotte,"

but I think they --
they were ready to claw

each other's eyes out
by that time.

So the follow-up was Bette Davis
with Olivia de Havilland,

and Robert Aldrich
directed both of those.

So hagsploitation
is a star vehicle.

-Yeah, but the star
has to be ready to go hag.

-Well, if you divide
Bette Davis's career into eras,

she was an ingenue,

she was a film --
femme fatale,

she was a conniving bitch,

she just became
this evil character,

she was a female survivor type,
you know,

and -- and then her
hagsploitation career

goes on for like 15 years.

It was actually
the most sustained period

of Bette Davis's career.

She never stopped working
right up until the end.

Anyway, some of
the greatest stories

in horror involve old crones.

And so those Bette Davis movies

were just updating
some of the classics.

-Yeah, those movies
were old crone versus old crone.

And the message was that
old people are ugly and mean.

-Sort of. I mean, but --

-So it's just --
It's just not my favorite genre.

That's all.
-Okay, Darcy.

Well, you'll be happy to know
that we've tried to land

a hagsploitation classic
and we have failed miserably,

so maybe we'll never have
this conversation again.

-I can only hope.
-And that's it for me,

Joe Bob Briggs,
and Darcy the Mail Girl,

reminding you that a day
without sunshine is like night

and the drive-in will never die.

-[Laughs]

-One day, two kids
in middle school

come home with a $20 bill
and a $50 bill,

and their mom asks them,
"Where did you get that money?"

And the first kid says,

"Well, we were standing outside
the brothel and this guy left.

And we told him we knew
where he had been.

So he asked us
not to reveal anything,

and he gave us 20 bucks."

And the second kid says,

and then we follow him,

and when we came to his house,

we told him that now
we also knew where he lived.

So he gave us another 50 bucks
and he begged us to keep quiet.

Well, the mum is appalled
and she says,

"You both should be
totally ashamed of yourselves

and you should feel sorry
for that man.

I'm sending you both to church
to confess this as a sin."

And so the boys
did as they were told

and marched off to the church.

They -- They -- They went there
to confess and atone.

And after a while they came
back home with a $100 bill

and they said, "So, Mom, now
we also know where he works."

[Laughter]

Now, notice I did not
make him Irish.

They were just Catholic.

-I appreciate that.

-I got another Catholic joke,
though.

And I have --
I have a choice.

I can make it --
I can make it Irish Catholic,

or I can make it
Italian Catholic.

-Go ahead, make it Irish.
-Okay.

So at Saint --

At Saint Patrick's Cathedral
in New York,

they have weekly meetings
for husband counseling.

So at the session last week,
the priest announces

that Liam is approaching --

is approaching
his 50th anniversary.

So they've asked him
to take a few minutes

and share some insight into how
he had managed to stay married

to the same woman
all these years.

So Liam stands up
and he addresses

all the assembled husbands
and he says,

"Well, I've -- I've tried
to treat her nice,

spend money on her,
do special things.

Like for our 25th anniversary,
I took her to Ireland."

And the priest says, "Liam,

you are an amazing inspiration
to all the husbands here.

So please tell us what
you're planning for your wife

for your 50th anniversary."

And Liam says,
"I'm going to go pick her up."

[Laughter]

♪♪

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like
other people ♪

♪ We are sick ♪
-♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting ♪
-♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in,
we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale ♪
-♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in
remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like
jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪