Original subtitles

[Static crackles]

-You know what, Darcy?

I'm gonna do it.

-Okay. -I hate to delay

the opening scene of "Beyond the Door III"

or diminish our appreciation of that movie in any way

because the people have been clamoring for

"Beyond the Door III."

-They have? -Clamoring I say!

The clamor has been intense.

-Did they also clamor for "Beyond the Door" 1 and 2?

-No, but you see, that's the beauty

of this cinematic folk horror achievement.

-What is?

-Notice how I called it folk horror?

Because any time you can work folk horror

into the description, people go for it.

Because later, I'll compare it to

"The Wicker Man", and everybody will go,

"Fuck yes, 'Wicker Man', folk horror."

Because we are in a folk horror era, Darcy.

-We are, and I am not that crazy about it.

-Are you dissing folk horror?

-I mean, it just seems like a fad.

What are you going to do besides introduce the movie, though?

-I'm going to throw caution to the winds, Darcy.

-Okay.

-I'm going to make my 4th of July speech.

-[Gasps] What?

-You asked for it, and I want to do it.

-Okay. But is it longer than three minutes?

-I will limit it to three minutes.

Even two minutes. So it's very simple.

-All right.

Your time starts now.

-All right.

You know how people say the country is divided,

and they block one another on social media

and they crusade for extremist laws

and they constantly say,

"Okay, I can't know you anymore because you're a liberal,

or, "I can't know you anymore because you're a Republican."

-I definitely do. I'm the Mail Girl.

I read all of that. -Okay.

Well, I think people should talk.

I don't think they should hide, run away,

treat the other people as non-people, you know,

decide certain topics are off limits, whatever.

The purpose of talking, though,

is not to convert somebody else to your opinion

because you can start miles apart

and talk to the other person,

and you can be even farther apart at the end of the talk.

But you've still done the right thing.

You've acknowledged the other person as a human being.

The important thing is the talking.

So here's how that relates to July the 4th, right?

July the 4th is the very first document,

the Declaration of Independence.

It's the only one that we all agree on, right?

On July the 3rd, everybody's an Englishman, right?

And on July the 4th, everybody becomes an American.

Or at least 56 guys become Americans

because that's how many people signed it.

So it's our birth document.

So on July the 4th, 1776, there's no bill of rights.

So we can't argue about the First Amendment

or the Second Amendment or the Fifth Amendment

or the 14th Amendment.

There's no Supreme Court decisions.

So we can't argue about those, right?

There's no legislation because we don't have a congress yet.

So we have these 13 colonies. They have one thing in common.

They want to get rid of King George.

That's it. They don't agree on anything else.

But hatred is a powerful motivator.

They despise him.

So they're tired of getting shoved around by the king.

So they get together to decide, okay, what are the basics?

These are just the basics.

What can we all agree on as we start this experiment?

Because what they were asking for had never existed before.

Or maybe it existed in Athens 2,000 years earlier,

in one city, but Greece screwed it up royally,

and they went back to having kings

and strongmen armies, right?

So if you're going to do a new thing,

you have to state to the world why you're doing this new thing

and why you have a right to do it.

-You're not going to make that two minute deadline.

-Okay, Well, give me three. Okay. Give me three minutes.

-I'm still skeptical. -All right.

So they say, "Okay, we believe --"

And this this is the foundation statement for Americans.

"We believe that there are these rights

that you can never take away from any person anywhere,

rights that you're just born with."

They use the word "inalienable", inalienable rights.

And there's lots of them.

And we're not going to list them all here in this one document.

But there are three biggies --

life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Which is weird, right?

Who would use the word "happy"

in a revolutionary political document?

Nobody did that.

You know, they're saying, "We want to be happy."

It's like they had Pharrell Williams

on the drafting committee or something, you know?

And then the other 90% of the Declaration of Independence

is just a list of all the bullshit that King George did.

You know, proving that he took away

those three things -- life, liberty, pursuit of happiness.

So as Americans,

we can disagree our entire lives on thousands of things,

and we can fight over all those things.

But there are three that we have to agree on --

life, liberty, pursuit of happiness.

Otherwise, we're not Americans,

because that's the birth document.

We're not participating in the experiment.

And let me just say, the reason I call it an experiment.

-You do not have time for a digression.

-I have to quickly do this digression.

The reason I say it's an experiment

is that only 8% of the world's population lives in democracies.

Not that many people followed our example.

It's been 247 years.

Most governments of the world decided to be something else

other than democracy.

So we should accept that these principles,

these are just for us.

We should stop trying to force them on to people

who would rather live under different kinds of governments.

So this document wasn't written down by God.

It was written down by these five men

who were trying to -- it had five authors.

They were trying to figure out what was believed

by all 13 colonies.

And actually, one of those five men was Thomas Jefferson.

And Thomas Jefferson wrote this whole paragraph

about how the new nation would end slavery

because he did some intense lobbying

to try to get all 13 colonies to agree to that.

And he was and he was amazingly successful.

He got North Carolina to agree to it.

He got other slave states, like he got Virginia to agree.

He got Maryland to agree. He got Delaware to agree.

They had tons of slaves in Delaware.

They didn't agree on how fast they were going to,

you know, get rid of slavery, but they did agree

that you can't say all men are created equal

and then have slavery.

But the document had to be signed by all 13 colonies.

And shame on you, South Carolina,

and shame on you, Georgia.

He could never get those two to agree to be, you know,

to agree to the free the slaves clause,

and also shame on you. New York City and Philadelphia,

because the businessmen and the bankers

who were making a killing on the Atlantic slave trade,

they didn't want it either.

But my point is the documents'

purpose is to define what it is to be American --

life, liberty, pursuit of happiness.

We're starting with those three.

So life. You have to be protected from danger.

You should you should die of natural causes in our country.

Liberty -- you don't have to answer to a dictator.

You can be part of making the rules

and changing the rules if you want to.

And then the weirdest one of all, pursuit of happiness.

Whatever your own definition is of what you want from life.

Pharrell Williams, you know?

So what are those three things all about?

They're all about being an individual.

Your right to be different, your right to be

your own person, your right to be heard.

So you want a government that guarantees that.

So here's my idea for how to solve the stalemate

that we're in.

We take all the topics that we're apparently

never going to agree on, never.

Abortion, guns, gender issues, the military, taxes on the rich.

And we get the most extreme people,

the most extreme on both sides of that issue.

People guaranteed to never agree on any of those things.

And we ask them to engage in a public conversation,

But they only have to do one thing.

When they're face to face with the person

whose opinion that they hate the most,

they must say the following sentence --

"I sincerely wish for you to have a long life, to be happy,

and to live the way you want to live

without government interference."

In other words, life, liberty, pursuit of happiness.

The three things we all agreed on before we became a country,

the three things that made us Americans.

If you can say that to your fiercest enemy --

"I sincerely wish for you to have a long life, to be happy,

and to live the way you want to live

without government interference."

If you can say that, you're an American

speaking to an American.

If you can't say it, and I guarantee you

there are people who will be unable to say

that to their fiercest enemy.

If you are unable to say it,

you're not participating in the experiment.

You're rejecting democracy. We don't have to listen to you.

Everybody who can say it, we will listen and respond.

We will listen and respond.

And if at the end of the day, we still don't agree,

but we've both talked, then we will say it again.

"I sincerely wish for you to have a long life,

to be happy, and to live the way you want to live

without government interference."

We say that twice. So you have to say it twice.

You have to say it once at the beginning of the debate,

once at the end of the debate, and the union will be saved.

Democracy will be saved. The experiment will continue.

You know, all those guys who came back from World War II,

the battle hardened veterans, what did they say?

What did they all say?

What was the cliche that all those guys said?

"Freedom isn't free." Why did they say that?

Because they were thinking of their dead friends, you know?

Freedom isn't free. We have to work at it.

We have to save it. Sometimes we have to rescue it.

Sometimes we have to die for it.

So, you know, watch how many people

will not be able to say to the person they hate,

"I sincerely wish for you to have a long life,

to be happy, and to accomplish everything you desire

without government interference."

Watch how many people do not know the definition of

an American, and let's move on without them.

Okay. End of speech.

-That was...

-I forgot to light the patriotic candle.

-Go for it. Light that candle.

-Be careful what you say.

-I mean, I don't even know how to describe that.

-Well, I don't know how to describe it

or the next movie, so let's get on with it.

-It was amazing.

-All right. Was that -- are you being ironic?

-No, it was amazing.

-All right. Well, thank you, Darcy.

Let's get back to the important business of cheap horror.

-You did go way past your time limit, though.

I know that.

-But I forgive you because it was worth it.

-Okay. "Beyond the Door III."

The old story of the high school field trip to a dark forest

in Serbia where inbred Satanists live.

Remember when you went to high school orientation

and you could sign up for that course as an elective?

You know, semester in a war torn communist

Balkan country, live in a hovel with angry peasants.

You know, I think everybody did that

at least once in high school.

Anyway, the old story of a high school field trip

that turns ugly when a servant of Satan

tries to burn up the exchange students

forcing them to flee to a runaway train

that turns out to be demonically possessed.

Yes, this movie is part of the paranormal telekinetic railroad

sub-genre leading to an encounter with Satan himself

who turns out to be quite a pervert

when he finds out there's a virginal

Balkan studies major who recently lost her mother

in a construction girder decapitation accident

on the interstate.

Sure, we've seen it before, but have we seen it

with a spectacular head removing collision

between a train and a rowboat

while the rowboat is still in the river,

punctuated with Yugoslavian dialog?

I think not.

Let's look at those drive in totals and get started.

We have 14 dead bodies, two breasts,

one ghost woman with bad teeth giving birth to a jackal,

one runaway train carrying pissed off Serbians,

one maggot mouth kiss causing brain spitting,

one hunky blond jock cut in half and beheaded,

one motor vehicle chase with explosions, truck destruction,

and scattered duck population,

one double train head on collision with explosions

and fires, low self-esteem face ripping, wrist slicing,

high school student crispy critter immolation,

train engineer cut in half by his own train,

coal stoker immolation, conductor squashing,

crossing arm through the gizzards with splatter,

barbecued face disintegration, steel girder through the mama,

one satanic birthmark, one ancient tattered

warlock book, one black wedding dress,

one galloping four horse carriage, worms growing out

of a bitch slap hand, bony claw handed Satan

in a crystal cube.

Bloody door marking.

[Laughs] Sorry.

Airline turbulence, throat grabbing,

hooded druids holding candles flickering

through the fog.

Monkish peasant hordes.

There's a lot going on in this movie.

Random Serbian dialog,

Devil as a rail travel tourism enthusiast,

trackless woodland soil ploughing,

trackless river cruising death train sequence,

multiple creepy rock clanking, door nailing,

satanic goat barn communication portal,

sign of the pagan virgin souvenir foreshadowing,

staring east European senior citizens in a gnarled forest,

dead tree trunk clambering, zombie railroad travelers,

non hygienic soup ladling, gratuitous cheerful

little person, gratuitous Yugoslavian mail tampering,

heads roll, face rolls, torso rolls, head flies,

lightning fu, switchblade fu, pyrotechnic fu,

tarot card fu, folk horror hu, folk horror fu.

Drive In Academy Award nominations for

Bo Svenson as Count Andromolek, the suave Transylvanian Svengali

minion who says "You are such a shy, innocent,

lovely young girl."

Mary Kohnert as Beverly,

the uptight loner destined for a date with Satan

who says, "I'd die before I'd go with you."

Olga Poznatov as Vesna the soup dispensing crone

who's the devil's vagina examination agent.

Igor Pervic as Marius

the flute playing monk on a secret mission.

Savina Gersak as the train thief Sava,

an explosive expert who refers to herself

in the third person with gypsy wisdom.

Jeff Kwitny, the director, and Ovidio Assonitis,

the producer, who loves splatter so much,

he directed all the kills himself.

Three and a half stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

-Good job.

-You know, I think all that stuff is in the movie.

I think the only reason people don't know more about

"Beyond the Door III" is -- A -- nobody remembers

"Beyond the Door 1", much less "Beyond the Door 2."

And, two, "Beyond the Door" was a terrible title to begin with.

And -- C -- I just did A, 2, C.

Anyway -- C -- there is no connection between any of

the three "Beyond the Doors."

It's like a franchise with no reason for being a franchise.

How does that even happen?

Have you seen any of the Beyond the Doors"?

-No, this is the only one.

-We went with III because it's in Serbia because

of the the boom in Serbian tourism.

-Are people clamoring for Serbian tourism?

-No.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Clapping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Clapping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Christie Anderson.

-Thank you.

-Richard Areita.

-Thanks.

-Angel Washington.

Melanie Fine.

-Thank you.

-Lawrence Blackly.

-Thank you.

-Kevin Morris.

Beverly Putnic.

Try not to lose them.

It's a long walk to Yugoslavia.

You guys, do you realize how lucky you are?

You have the chance for 800 dollars

to witness and ancient Balkan rite.

Something that happens once every hundred years.

-Miss Chase, the guy who's meeting us

to take the ferry to, uh...

Ufir, what's his name?

-Professor Andromolek.

Strong Slovak name.

-Yeah, but how are we gonna recognize this guy?

I mean, he's gonna have a red carnation

on his head or his chest or what?

-Don't worry, Angel, he'll find you.

♪♪

♪♪

-Mom, I told you to knock!

-[Speaking in Serbian]

-Talk to me in English.

I don't understand when you talk in Serbian.

-Would you like me to help you finish packing?

-No, I can do it myself!

-Remember to keep warm. It's cold in Yugoslavia.

They don't have central heating like here, you know?

You're American, for God sake. Never forget your origin.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Your father, he was Serbian, too.

God bless his soul.

You'll have a wonderful time with your friends.

-Mother.

They're not my friends.

-Well, they will be if you only let them.

You'll see. Beverly, I almost forgot.

I came across this

while I was throwing out some stuff of your father's.

It comes from the same region your father was born.

Ufir. That's where you're going.

-I love you, Mom.

♪♪

♪♪

-Where to?

-Glendale Boulevard in Burbank.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Truck horn blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Tires screeching]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

[Groans]

[Boat horn blowing]

[Birds chirping]

[People chattering]

[Man clears throat]

-Dobar dan.

I am Professor Andromolek.

Dobar dan is how you say "good morning" in Serbo-Croatian.

Can you say, "dobar dan?"

-Dobar dan.

-This is very good.

You are a nice group of junior ambassadors.

But from the great United States of America,

we expect only the best.

If you do not hurry up, I will have to take back

all the nice things I said about you.

Come now!

Come, come!

Come, hurry up.

-I got it, man.

-Yes.

-Thank you, sir.

-You're welcome.

Beverly.

-Thanks.

-Ah, beautiful.

-Just like home.

-I get the top bunk.

-Just get in there.

[Boat horn blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-The passion play you are about to see

dates back two thousand years.

Two thousand years may seem like a long time to you

who are from a country which was founded only 200 years ago.

However, in the scope of the passage of time,

two thousand years is but a sneeze.

-Excuse me, Professor.

How can a passion play predate Christianity

when, by definition, it's a reenactment

of the Passion of Christ?

-That, Mr. Blackly,

is a good question and point.

The passion play is anomalous.

Its central character is a female,

specifically a virgin female.

[Students giggling]

Perhaps this is why every year,

thousands of pilgrims arrive from everywhere.

And, of course, scholars like yourselves.

So, before I forget,

here there is one for each of you.

Little things which will distinguish us.

-Oh, wow.

-It is a nice little souvenir, yes?

-They're beautiful.

-Looks just like Beverly's...

-It is the sign of the pagan virgin.

-There's only one virgin I know of.

[Laughter]

-You are rude.

[Door creaking]

Hello.

Am I disturbing you?

You are such a shy, innocent, and lovely young girl.

I want to be your friend.

I must talk to you.

I'm worried.

You don't seem to have so much in common

with your traveling companions.

Are you lonely?

You are so very brave.

I've seen these things before.

Young people can be so very cruel.

-It's really not their fault.

It's me.

-Yeah.

Maybe I can help you.

Come.

Come. Come.

♪♪

♪♪

[Water sloshing]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-Where the hell are we?

-I don't know, sure ain't my pad back in East LA.

-This place is a dump!

-It's interesting, I guess.

-Where are we going?

-Just past McDonalds and left at Disneyland.

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-So, this is Ufir.

And now you will step back in time.

My friends will take you to where you stay,

and tomorrow morning,

I will see you again.

Beverly, come with me.

Come.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Goat bleating]

♪♪

♪♪

-This is here you will stay,

and this is Vesna.

♪♪

I am very cold.

I must have some hot soup.

It's very nice with hot soup.

Would you like some hot soup, Beverly?

-No, thank you.

-I think you will like some hot soup.

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Slurping]

-Mm.

[Speaking Serbian]

This is good soup, Beverly.

Come.

You drink.

Come.

[Fire crackling]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

So...

Beverly.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Liquid sloshing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Hammers thudding]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Speaking Serbian]

♪♪

[Crows squawking]

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♪♪

♪♪

[Fire whooshing]

[Fire crackling]

♪♪

-Christie!

-Richard!

Richard, wake up!

There's a fire!

[Thudding]

[Fire crackling]

Come on, wake up!

Get up! What are you doing?!

Come on, get out of bed, come on!

-We got to get out of here!

Hurry, we've got to find Beverly!

[Thudding]

[Clacking]

-Richard, there's a fire! Come on, man!

Wake up!

Come on! What are you doing? There's a fire!

[Groaning]

-Come on!

[Thudding]

♪♪

-Don't just lay there! Come on!

[Rocks clacking]

[Crunching]

♪♪

No.

No!

Oh, no!

[Glass shattering]

-Richard!

♪♪

[Rocks clacking]

♪♪

[Thudding]

[Screaming]

[Cackling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Beverly! -[Screams]

-Oh, God, Larry.

-Are you okay?

-I think so.

[Static crackles]

-[Chuckles]

-That'll teach you to drink soup in a Serbian village.

My main question about the Serbian

rock clanking spooky ass villagers is,

why do they all look 90 years old?

And I've noticed this, though,

in men of 30 years old in Eastern Europe

look like men of 50 years old in America.

But I also think it has something to do with the budget

that producer Ovidio Assonitis had.

Ovidio was paying $1 per day for background actors.

And so these tend to be retired people and unemployed people.

I mean, salaries were low in communist Yugoslavia,

but they weren't that low.

So anytime you're on a movie set in an impoverished country,

the producer will always say,

"Well, that's a lot of money for these people."

And it is not a lot of money for these people.

It's just that, you know,

there's such an extreme poverty level to begin with that

they'll take a job at any level, for any wage.

Oh, yeah, those people making the Nike shoes,

they're happy to have that work.

Well, they're happy to have any work.

So you're just the asshole of the moment taking advantage.

At any rate, I think the evocation of danger

and mystery and the supernatural and the folk horror atmosphere

is very well done with wherever they filmed that,

and the ancient faces of the ancient people

make it even spookier.

And I love the gnarled, twisted, half dead trees everywhere.

It's almost like they painted them on to the screen.

Yet another superb performance by Bo Svenson --

I didn't even recognize him at first --

as Professor Andromolek.

Everybody in the theater and everybody in the cast

knows as soon as you see him, he is nefarious.

Would you say he's nefarious, Darcy?

-Oh, he's definitely nefarious.

-I forgot to mention in the intro that

Darcy the Mail Girl is here to field your e-mails, your tweets,

your DMs, your telegrams, whatever.

And tonight, she will be responding in Serbian

to any "Last Drive In" viewers who live along the Danube,

between the Croatian and the Bulgarian borders.

And, oh, hell, Darcy, let's just go ahead

and open up audience participation

to Bulgaria, as well.

How is your Bulgarian?

-I think I might have to brush up a little.

-Okay, everybody from the Palanka Bridge

to the Black Sea, you know, contact Darcy tonight.

Tell us how well your nation is depicted

in yet another horror movie in which clueless Americans

go to Eastern Europe and die.

-Oh, yeah, there are a lot of those.

-Well, Eli Roth did the ultimate one,

you know, "Hostel." -"Hostel."

You know, I don't know why Eastern Europe is --

Eastern Europe is so much scarier than Western Europe,

but that's a real thing.

It's like darker there or something.

Everybody's a potential killer.

No offense if you're a Serbian or Bulgarian

or Croatian or Hungarian or Slovakian or Slovenian

or Romanian or Czech or Transylvanian.

It's a trope, it's a cliche, it's almost a form of shorthand.

You know, high school students heading for Bulgaria.

Ha-ha-ha! We're ready to watch them die.

-Hell yeah.

-I said everybody recognizes the creepiness

of Professor Andromolek,

everybody except our heroine, Beverly,

who collapses on to his breast and shares a hug with him

after he comes creeping around her room,

telling her how lovely and brave she is.

Everything about this village and this situation

and this passion play that preexists Jesus --

that's what they said.

Everything about this screams "Get the fuck out!"

But of course, if they do that, we have no movie.

So yeah, let them nail the door shut

and set your room on fire because we're woke

social studies students, we'll be able to deal with it.

Except for Richard. He just freezes up.

He's in shock, so he gets burned up.

Richard, you know, it's not that bad, Richard.

We knock the doors down, and we get out.

And now all we have to do

is walk through the scrub oak forest

to some place where they speak English.

So roll the film.

It'll be fine.

[Laughter]

We always think when we're over there,

we always think there's going to be somebody

who speaks English, right?

He said, "Oh, somebody will speak English."

Who does that? You know, only Americans do that.

Only Americans assume that they will run into somebody

who speaks English.

Everybody else carries around those little phrase books.

You know, I used to travel to places like this,

and when you're a teenager, you're stupid.

You know, you go to those hostels and those pensiones.

It'd be like six guys to a room,

and they're guys from all different countries,

and you have no idea who they are.

Some of them are bigger than you, you know?

Plus, the really low rent ones

would put two strangers in the same bed, you know?

And it's like, I ain't doing that, you know?

Oh, wait. $2 cheaper? Oh, okay. I'll do it, you know?

You know, because, you know, something tells me

you were never a hostile person.

-Oh, I've been in some very sketchy places,

and I've definitely been in places

where they'll steal your shit.

-Really? Getting your stuff stolen,

that's one level of danger, right?

I was more in the fear of being raped

and/or stabbed category, you know,

but when you're 19, you don't realize, you know,

until you're leaving the next day, you know,

because now there's light in the room.

You look around the room in daylight,

and you realize you just spent the night

with five guys you don't know, and two of them

look like Buffalo Bill,

and three of them have probably done prison time.

And then you go to the train station,

and you call home and you say, "Yeah, hey, mom, I'm in Prague.

Yeah, it's cool here."

And mom is clueless, you know?

But speaking of Mom, I have a question for you, Darcy.

If you're traveling on the 405,

let's say you're traveling on the 405.

-Yes. -This scene I think was

on the 405 that we saw.

-Okay. -After dropping your

ethnic Serbian, raised in America daughter at LAX.

-Yes. -And you're taking the taxi

back to Burbank. -Yes.

-And the truck is in front of you carrying giant

steel construction girders.

-Okay. -And suddenly the truck

hits the brakes. -Yes?

-Don't the girders all go forward?!

Don't they spill out on to the 405 in front of the truck?

-I believe that's what they would do, yes.

-They don't launch backward when you hit the brakes

and take your head off.

-No, they don't. -That's what I thought.

-But it's way more fun if they do.

-You like this movie, too, then?

-I do. -Okay.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

-Come on, we got to go!

-Where's Richard?

-There was a fire.

-Wait a minute! -Fire?

What happened to Richard?

-He didn't make it. -What?

Hey, let's get the fuck out of here!

-We can't just leave him here!

-He's dead!

All right?

He's dead, goddamn it!

We got to go. Come on, let's go!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Train chugging]

[Train whistle blowing]

♪♪

-Stop! Stop!

[All shouting]

Stop!

Hey!

Stop!

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Stop! Stop!

[Train rails clanking]

[All shouting]

-Melanie! -Come on!

Come on, you can do it, come on!

-Give me your hand!

Come on, give me your hand!

A little more!

Come on, give me your hand, a little bit faster!

-Come on! -Come on!

-You can get up, come on!

♪♪

Melanie!

-Ah!

-We can't just leave her there!

-Larry!

[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

-Are you all right?

-No.

-Come on, we got to get ahead of them.

-Come on. -Ow!

-Kevin, come on!

Come on, we'll help you, come on!

Hurry up, Kevin! I'll help you!

[Clattering]

What are we gonna do?

-Go stop the train.

[Rails clanking]

Oh, shit.

We need some help.

Can you tell us where the train is going?

When does the train stop?

Can anybody help us?

[Train rails clanking]

-Hey, mister, when's the next stop?

-[Speaking Serbian]

-Does anybody speak English?

-Hey! Hey, check this out.

-[Speaking Serbian]

-Look, we're in trouble.

Do you speak English? Do you understand?

-Please.

I really need to get to a phone.

-You got to stop the train. We've got friends back there.

-Somebody got killed. We need the police.

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-Okay.

Okay, don't worry.

I little English, do understand.

But I never have practice to speak.

Come, come.

Come, Bosco will do.

[Whistle blowing]

[Uneven flute music]

Please, come.

-Hey, these people really know how to travel in style, huh?

-No, not people.

Only rich, like kings, barons, and counts.

Never people.

Please, help to it, be at home.

Marius.

Marius, he ride with me.

Keep Bosco company.

Very good company.

He no speak.

Never speak.

Maybe hear, maybe not.

Maybe no tongue.

Best company in the world.

He tell no lies.

[Uneven flute music]

Now let us hear your story.

[Train chugging]

♪♪

♪♪

-Listen, two of your friends are still back in Ufir.

Can you do something?

-Do something?

Do something?

Oh, yeah.

Take you to police for next stop.

That's what I do.

Tell them, they do something.

Bosco can do nothing.

-Do you have a radio? -A radio? [Laughs]

A radio, no.

-Hey, hey, hey, just tell us the next stop.

-Next stop.

10 hours and 42 minutes.

[Laughs] Not so fast as capitalists time.

[Laughing]

-Man, we got to do something to get out of here.

-[Panting]

[Distant bird hooting]

[Groaning]

-I think it's broken.

Oh, Jesus.

We got to make a splint.

-How?

-Get some wood.

♪♪

Get down!

[Train rails clanking]

[Erratic flute music]

♪♪

[Train chugging]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Trains rails clanking]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Train chugging]

♪♪

-Mitre!

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Train squealing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Steam hissing]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Fire crackling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Whistle blowing]

[Steam hissing]

-Mitre! Mitre!

-[Speaking Serbian]

Mitre!

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Train chugging]

Mitre!

-[Shouting in Serbian]

Mitre!

-[Shouting in Serbian]

[Fire rumbling]

[Groans]

-Mitre! Mitre!

-[Shouting in Serbian]

Mitre!

Mitre!

-[Screams]

[Screaming]

[Crunching]

[Screams]

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-Help me with the door.

♪♪

♪♪

-They're disconnecting the train.

[Kevin shouting]

-Help!

-[Shouting]

[Shouting]

-Ah!

[Train whistle blowing]

[Train rails clanking]

[Static crackles]

-Okay, so somebody made the decision,

let's do three quick supernatural kills

and get rid of the entire train crew, right?

And the person who did that,

I'm pretty certain, was Ovidio Assonitis,

the Greek producer

who put this whole weird beard project together.

And you told me you thought this movie's slow.

-It's a little slow. -We're 36 minutes in,

and numerous people have been offed very imaginative ways.

-It gets way better when the train kills start.

-Well, anyway, Ovidio Assonitis

is one of those larger than life personalities that were always

hanging around the Cannes film market

in the '60s, '70s, and '80s,

making hundreds of deals for thousands of movie bookings

involving exploitation flicks in all languages.

He was a director, a producer, but really his main job,

he was a distributor.

The best way to describe Ovidio

is he was the Samuel Arkoff of Asia,

if you know who Sam Arkoff was.

Or he was the low budget Harvey Weinstein

in the years when Weinstein ruled the foreign markets.

So the reason people think this is an Italian movie

even though it has American actors

and an American director, is that Ovidio Assonitis was

based in Rome, and he sent his Italian crew

to Serbia to make it.

And the reason it's called "Beyond the Door III"

is that Ovidio's breakthrough movie,

the one he was known for within the indie film industry,

was "Beyond the Door 1", which was a blatant rip off

of both "Rosemary's Baby" and "The Exorcist."

And the owners of both of those movies threatened to sue him.

And then Warner Bros. did sue him.

And the lawsuit went on for three years.

But Assonitis wouldn't back down,

even though he freely admitted he had based "Beyond the Door"

on the original stories of the other two movies.

So behavior like that wins you all kinds of allies

in the international film world,

especially since he made "Beyond the Door" for $150,000,

and he made a profit of $40 million on it.

So listen carefully.

So "Beyond the Door 1",

in 1974, was Ovidio Assonitis' "Exorcist" rip off

that also had elements of "Rosemary's Baby" in it,

starring Juliet Mills as an English wife

and mom who gets miraculously pregnant.

She starts having wild mood swings and hallucinations.

She gets stalked by a strange man

as she develops Linda Blair type symptoms of possession.

And it's all, of course, because she's carrying Satan's baby.

So that's the big indie hit.

In 1977, Ovidio produces Mario Bava's last film,

which was called "Shock", but the local distributor

has the right to rename it, so he calls it

"Beyond the Door II."

Daria Nicolodi's husband commits suicide.

Then her son starts acting weird, and she finds out

he's possessed by the restless ghost

of his father, her ex-husband.

It has nothing to do with "Beyond the Door 1",

except that they're both supernatural horror.

Okay, now it's 1989, 15 years after the original movie.

Nobody remembers "Beyond the Door."

Nobody remembers "Beyond the Door II."

So why would you call this movie "Beyond the Door III"?

Because the foreign buyers remember "Beyond the Door",

the guy from Singapore and the guy from South Africa

and all the other territories

that come to the Cannes film market.

"Beyond the Door" is famous.

It's as famous as "Billy Jack" in the indie world

because the amount of money that they made that one year.

So "Beyond the Door III" is a title that ensures

the movie will get sold all over the world,

even though it's the worst title in the history of movies!

[Laughter]

And by the way, that Warner Bros. lawsuit,

it just went on and on and on.

And even though the judge impounded $20 million

of Oviedo's money, he still refused to settle.

So finally he was in LA for some reason,

and he just went over to Warner Bros.,

knocked on the door.

He asked to see the business affairs lawyer

who was handling the lawsuit, and he said,

"Look, you're never going to win this.

I'm not going to quit.

This thing is going to cost you more money than it costs me."

He leaves a couple of days later with the lawsuit dropped

and a three picture deal to make movies

for Warner Bros. overseas!

Okay, so that's Ovidio Assonitis.

His main office is in Rome, but he also has offices in

Hong Kong, Singapore, Manila, Jakarta,

because he's making movies in English,

but they never have to be released in Europe or the U.S.

He can just make back his budgets with profit

even if he just sells them into Asian markets.

So he was the king of Asian exploitation.

And also the reason the acting in the movie is kind of uneven

is the director cast American actors,

but they were American actors living in Rome.

So the talent pool was not that enormous.

Everybody was cast in either Belgrade or Rome,

including Bo Svenson.

He was on a European binge at that time.

Okay, much more to this story,

but I can't go on all night, so...

-Too late for that.

-Well, let's get back to the movie.

You told me you loved the kills.

-I do. They're not just kills. They're over kills.

One character gets killed three times in one scene.

-And of course, that's what we love here

at "The Last Drive In", kills.

-Yes, we do. -Roll it.

And most of the movie takes place on this galdarn train.

You know, that had to be a mess to shoot.

And they only had the train for a week.

It would take somebody like Ovidio Assonitis

to go into a negotiation

with the National Train Service of Yugoslavia

and get them to say, "Yeah, you can use our train.

And also you can use our train control center

and our personnel."

The original title of the movie, by the way, before it became

"Beyond the Door III" was "Train Amok."

And I think there are some video copies out there

that still have that title on them.

"Train Amok" is an awful title, but it's still better than

"Beyond the Door III", right?

-Agreed. -Also, correct me if I'm wrong,

Darcy, but didn't the conductor say, "I can't help you contact

the police until the next stop," and the next stop is --

and he's checking his watch and everything.

10 hours and 42 minutes, you know?

What kind of train runs for 11 hours without stopping?

Wouldn't you be able to cross all of Yugoslavia in 11 hours?

I mean, it doesn't really look like

they're on the Orient Express, you know?

-How about you ridden on a train

for like three or four days at a time?

-Yeah, I love trains. But the train stopped, though.

They let people get on the train and off the train.

And they had radios.

You know, the guys working on the train, they had radios.

They could call the Amtrak police, you know?

-I don't think Yugoslavia had Amtrak police.

-No, but they probably had Yugo track police or something.

They were -- Yugoslavia were masters of transportation

because they invented the Yugo.

-What's a Yugo?

-You never heard of the Yugo?

The Yugo was basically a car for people

who couldn't afford a car.

I think it was the cheapest car ever sold

and probably the most dangerous car ever sold.

I don't even know -- does it still exist?

Do they still make the Yugo?

If a Gremlin or a Pinto was too fancy for you,

you bought a Yugo.

You know, so Yugoslavian engineering at its finest.

And you don't remember

the Gremlin or the Pinto either, do you?

-I mean, they were before my time.

-All right, well, it was if you took a Chevy Spark...

-That one I have heard of. -Okay.

Take a Chevy Spark and put a lawn mower engine in it.

-Okay. -That was the Yugo.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

-Try the windows!

-What happened? -The conductor died.

I can't get it. -The brake's not working!

-I can't get the window down! -Let's pull together.

Pull, pull, pull!

-I can't! -Try the other one!

-No. Try this one, come on.

No, it won't open!

Pull!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Radio buzzing]

♪♪

-Beverly, you must come with me!

Everything was decided many years ago,

before you were born.

Before your mother or your mother's mother was born.

I want you to go with me now, Beverly.

In a sacred ceremony.

-What ceremony?

-The passion play.

Your coronation as the Princess of Darkness.

♪♪

-I don't understand.

-Of course you don't.

Think about your mark, Beverly.

Your sacred mark.

-You mean my birthmark?

-Yes, the Prince marked you so that no one else

could have you first.

-Who marked me?

-My master, Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness.

-I don't believe you. It isn't true!

-I can prove it,

through your friends, Beverly, if I must.

-What do they have to do with it?

-Nothing.

They are expendable.

♪♪

-Please, leave them alone.

-They have to die now, Beverly.

-No!

-They have treated you so poorly.

-No! -Oh, dear Beverly,

if only you knew what was waiting you as his bride.

Go with me, now, go with me, Beverly.

-I'd die before I go with you!

-You will not die.

-I will!

-But you see, child, you cannot die.

-I don't believe any of this!

I'm going crazy.

-Do you think this is a dream?

-I'm losing my mind. This is just a dream.

-Beverly, this is not a dream.

-No, it's not, it's me!

I know it's me, I'm going crazy!

You'll have to prove to me otherwise.

♪♪

♪♪

-Beverly,

I'm your mom.

-Mama!

[Train whistle blowing]

[Train chugging]

[Train rails clanking]

-Where's Beverly?

-I don't know. I haven't seen her since last night.

-Knowing her, she probably locked herself in the head.

-She probably drowned.

[Water sloshing]

[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Grunts]

-Are you okay?

♪♪

[Bell ringing]

[Ball thumping]

[Train rumbling]

-There's something up ahead.

We're coming to a town.

[Train whistle blowing]

♪♪

-[Screams]

[Woman shouting]

-Help! Help! Help!

-Stop the train!

-Help!

[Bell ringing]

[Crowd shouting]

[Telephone ringing]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Man speaking Serbian]

[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Geese honking]

[Train whistle blowing]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Man speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Indistinct shouting]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Birds calling]

[Train whistle blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, Jesus, it's cold in here.

-Hey, anybody in here?

Beverly, are you in here?

♪♪

[Clattering]

♪♪

-[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

-Who are you?

-It's not your business.

-You speak English.

She speaks English.

-Don't mess with Sava.

-Look, maybe you can help us.

We're looking for a friend of ours.

An American girl, blonde hair --

-What'd you do with her?!

-Where is she?

-Sava's a thief, not a killer!

[Switchblade clicks]

[Spits]

♪♪

♪♪

[Rumbling]

♪♪

-Listen, guys,

your friend is up there in the engine.

-I don't wanna go up there.

-You wanna help her, you have to go in there.

-I'm gonna go check it out.

-Go!

Go, come on, let's go!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Beverly!

Beverly!

Beverly, are you in here?

♪♪

There's no one driving the damn train!

♪♪

Beverly, you all right?

You guys, she's in here!

♪♪

Come here, come help me get her out.

-Get up. -Get her hand.

-Come on, get up, get up!

-Get her hand, I got her.

Are you okay?

-I'm fine.

♪♪

-Hey, what do you think you're doing?!

-Hey, what're you doing?!

-I wanna stop the train!

That's what you wanted, right?

-That won't stop the engine, you fool!

-Well, do it yourself!

I can't do it anyway.

-We didn't mean to offend you.

Just we need to go over there.

-Hey, you have any idea how to stop this train?

-I'm gonna go try and stop the engine.

-No!

You can't go in there, it's dangerous!

-I've gotta try something.

-You can't go in there.

♪♪

[Static]

-Okay. So, Darcy, correct me if I'm wrong,

but Beverly is entranced.

-I'm not sure what you mean. -She's in a trance.

She makes her way to the engine of the train

for no discernible reason,

except Professor Andromolek

talks to her in this disembodied voice.

I think that's Professor Andromolek.

His voice resides in the engine of the train,

and it informs her that, A, she's been chosen

since the beginning of time to be the princess of darkness,

the bride of Lucifer, and, B, all her friends have to die.

And she doesn't seem that upset by either threat.

In fact, she's not a very active heroine in this movie.

She basically bounces around the train

while other people try to escape and die horrible deaths.

Or -- Or do they try to escape?

I mean, haven't there been several opportunities

to simply jump off the fucking train?

I mean -- I mean, anyways, not moving that fast anyway.

That actress playing Beverly is Mary Kohnert,

who had a very brief career.

She had about six years, six-year career,

11 movies and TV shows.

She was on "Freddy's Nightmares."

She was on "Star Trek: The Next Generation,"

but she just vanishes after 1992.

So this voice is talking to her

through some kind of silver thermos bottle, you know,

and we've got this new character, Sava,

the tough-talking switchblade bearer

and thief who decides to help them because...

not sure why she tries to help them.

So what's the plan here?

You know, they're trying to uncouple the cars,

but they're in the part of the train

where it doesn't matter if they uncouple the cars

because it's part of the runaway train

that'll keep running away. Right?

So -- Also, why does Lucifer

choose to work with a train in the first place?

In the pantheon of tools of the devil,

it's kind of a clumsy weapon.

So the director of the film was this guy named Jeff Kwitny,

LA native who had a master's degree in English,

and he was primarily a writer.

And in fact, most of his success

would come as a writer of children's television.

He won an Emmy for "Animaniacs."

And he -- And he -- he wrote for "Pinky and the Brain."

But in the early '80s, he was trying to break into film.

And so he got a production assistant job

with Roger Corman on that weird movie "Love Letters,"

the one with Jamie Lee Curtis and James Keach.

And then somehow he met Ovidio Assonitis,

and Ovidio liked his director's reel --

He had made some short films -- and hired him as a writer

and flew him back and forth between LA and Rome

and gave him an office in the Parioli District of Rome,

kind of the Beverly Hills of Rome.

So cool job, and Kwitny read this novel

by Jerzy Kosinski called "The Painted Bird,"

and that was the idea that sparked this movie.

Students on a field trip to the Balkans going back in time,

trapped in a medieval forest.

And Ovidio liked the idea

and he asked him if he wanted to direct it.

But Ovidio had this terrible reputation

for being mean to directors.

And in fact, he's the guy who fired James Cameron

from his first job directing "Piranha II: The Spawning."

So Kwitny decided,

"Well, I'm going to call up James Cameron

and see if I should take this job."

So he calls up James Cameron

at his offices at 20th Century Fox,

where he was working at the time.

And he told James Cameron, "This is what I'm about to do."

And Cameron goes, "Oh, my God,

Assonitis -- don't work for him. He's insane."

But Kwitny, he had no other job prospects at the time,

so he took the job anyway.

And he was given a script

which had what he would later call wild visions in it,

and he was given two full-time translators,

because the crew spoke Italian only,

the local actors spoke Serbian only.

And so at production meetings,

everything had to be said three times.

And he was also given this small

machine-gun-equipped militia to protect the production

because Yugoslavia was on the verge

of breaking into civil war.

And I don't know about you, but once they say

"And by the way, don't worry about being killed,

you'll be surrounded by machine guns,"

I'm probably heading back to LA,

but Jeff Kwitny, he stuck it out.

He had a $900,000 budget, and he pretty much got to do

what he wanted to do with that budget.

But they told him,

"Don't worry about the kill scenes, though,

because Ovidio is going to come in later

and do those scenes himself."

And he only had one stuntman.

So 99% of the stunts had to be done by the actors.

So they really do jump onto the train.

They really do jump from car to car on a moving train.

And in fact, Ovidio showed up one day

and looked at the previous day's footage

and he got upset because he says "The train's moving too slow.

It doesn't look realistic."

And, you know, because the actors were jumping around

on the train that day.

So the most important thing

given to Jeff Kwitny was the cinematographer,

Adolfo Bartoli, always a perfectionist,

no matter what he was working on.

And that's why so much of the film looks so beautiful.

All right. This is the part that drags in the middle

because there's way too much plot

getting in the way of the story.

So roll it.

-Man, I was waiting for you to say that.

-This is the part --

This is the part you -- you think is slow.

-Yes. -All right.

But it's the calm before the storm.

-I hate the calm before the storm.

-You can't have constant storm.

-Oh, but you can actually.

-You know, someday, Darcy, I want you to write down

the Darcy principles of screenwriting.

You know? -It must be fun.

Heads must roll.

-That's it? -I mean, what else is there?

-Boobs. You didn't mention boobs.

-True. And "byu-ttocks."

-Agree-- You said "byu-ttocks." -Yes, I did.

-See, I'm rubbing off on you.

-Let's not go that far.

♪♪

[Static]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

♪♪

-[Groaning]

[Whimpering]

-Are you all right?

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

-Hey,

I think there's a house over there.

Come on.

It's just a little way.

Come on.

Come on.

♪♪

-[Groaning]

♪♪

-Come on.

Come on.

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

There's nobody here.

-Where did the smoke come from then?

Larry.

[Train rumbling]

-You keeping something from us?

What's with you?

-What're you talking about, Angel?

-You were up at that engine a long time.

Come on, Putnic.

I mean, you are hiding something.

What's with you?

I mean, what's gotten you so freaked out?

-Anybody want to give me a hand?

-Leave me alone.

You're not my friends.

You never cared about me.

You don't understand anything.

You always thought I was just a stupid, ugly little kid.

-Hey, guys, I think our little Bevy

has finally slipped off her mark.

I think I understand.

You got this frightened little girl

who wants to get laid, right?

And you got this big horny engineer

all alone in a hot locomotive.

So the big guy pops her cherry,

and no more baby Beverly.

She's a hot woman now.

She's feeling guilty as sin.

The first fuck of her life

so she kills the guys who fucked her.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-You know, you really fucking blew it back there.

Telling her that she killed those guys?

She couldn't hurt a fly.

-I know.

I feel really bad.

I kinda flipped out for a second.

Kevin?

-What?

-[Whispers indistinctly]

-What? -Do you love me?

-Yes.

-What is it you like about me?

-[Chuckles]

I don't know.

Your hair, your mouth,

your eyes, everything.

-Do you think I'm pretty?

-[Chuckles] Yes.

-Come here.

I want you by me.

♪♪

-[Whimpering]

♪♪

-How're you doing?

-Great.

Time to party.

-Glad that you're feeling better.

-I'm not.

Just a little gallows humor.

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Train whistle blowing]

-So what're you doing on this damn train?

-I work on train. -You work for the railroad?

-I work for Sava.

People can forget things in train.

Watches, purses, suitcases.

And also, once a week the train goes to Skopje.

Immigrants send money there back to their family.

Nobody sends money to Sava,

so she had to take care of herself.

-You haven't been busted yet, huh?

-[Chuckles]

Sava smart.

She knows what she's doing.

I only take 10% from each envelope.

[Chuckles]

-Hey, listen, do you think this will work?

-It is possibility.

But we are against powerful evil here.

-I don't believe in that crap.

-Is your problem.

-You don't think it was just all a bunch of accidents, huh?

-Fireman, engineer, conductor all dead.

No accident.

-I mean, you try and pull this gypsy double talk on me.

-I wish it was true what you say.

Something is terrible here.

-I want you so bad.

Please, will you love me?

Kiss me.

♪♪

[Gurgling]

[Squelching]

♪♪

[Cracking]

♪♪

[Squelching]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Clanking]

[All yelling]

[Rumbling]

-[Yelping]

[Rumbling]

[Whooshing]

[Rumbling]

[Clattering]

[Rumbling]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Train chugging]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Train whistle blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Crunching]

♪♪

♪♪

[Train whistling blowing] -Melanie, hold it!

Hold it!

Hear that?

-We're getting closer.

[Rumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Rumbling]

♪♪

-You hear that?

♪♪

-We're getting closer.

♪♪

[Rumbling]

[Screams]

♪♪

[Glass shatters]

[Rumbling]

-[Groaning]

[Train rails clanking]

[Static]

-You know, Darcy, when the train

starts going off the tracks and plowing through the forest

and running down the middle of rivers

and cutting people's heads off --

And how does -- How does the train cut Melanie's head off?

How does that work?

Anyway, when the train gets freaky,

you got to give credit to the crack

Ovidio Assonitis special effects department

for what they did with those

"Thomas the Tank Engine" miniatures.

That was damned impressive.

-I know, right? It was awesome.

-What was the -- What was the ultimate purpose

of the whole Larry and Melanie subplot

struggling through the woods with his broken leg,

finding the splint, you know,

barging into Yoda's shack from the "Empire Strikes Back,"

whatever that place was, poling down the creek

like Huckleberry Finn, just so they can become smudges

on the fancy grillework of the Death Train?

-I don't get it either.

Maybe it's to show that the train is being driven by Satan.

-I think they've shown us that several times.

Why is Melanie so emotionless, though?

She doesn't even seem that into it

when she bitch slaps Christie.

-But I do love the maggot kiss and the Christie face peel.

-Oh, true. Is there a reason

why somebody would suddenly peel their own face off, though?

It didn't seem motivated.

-Actually, there is.

-You're not going to say she was suffering from BDD?

-Probably not, but it's a possibility.

-I always forget what that stands for.

B--

-Body dysmorphic disorder.

-Body dysmorphic disorder.

No, I say the devil made her do it.

The devil made her peel her face off.

-I like that better.

-And, you know, the more I think about it,

Ovidio Assonitis really changed film history in several ways

because after he made all that money on "Beyond the Door,"

he kept ripping off big studio titles,

paving the way for Asylum to do the same thing today.

He was the first guy to make a cannibal movie.

He produced Umberto Lenzi's "Man from Deep River"

that started the whole cannibal cycle.

But the movie he was ripping off when he made

"The Man from Deep River"

was "A Man Called Horse."

"Who Saw Her Die?" that was a rip off of

Nicolas Roeg's "Don't Look Now."

He made deals with everybody from American International

to Columbia Pictures to Toho in Tokyo.

Two of his films made the video nasty list in England --

"Man From Deep River" and "Madhouse."

Oh, and he made the immortal "Forever Emmanuelle."

And of course, who could ever forget

"Super Stooges vs the Wonder Women" in 1974?

-Is that a real movie? -Absolutely.

Melissa Longo as the Amazon Queen.

-Oh, theMelissa Longo?

-The very same. Melissa Longo. -Wow.

-All right, let's get back

to the supernaturally possessed runaway train.

Kudos to the second unit for all that helicopter photography,

by the way, because I do believe

there are several cast members --

Aren't there several cast members that are still alive?

And as Bo Svenson informed us earlier,

they must all die before Beverly can have sex with Satan.

So roll it.

You had sex with Satan on Walpurgisnacht.

-Indeed.

-How was that? -Hot.

[Laughter]

-Well, in this movie, Satan only wants virgins, so...

-I mean, how do you know I wasn't a virgin?

-Oh, well, okay.

I guess I shouldn't assume. I wouldn't -- you know --

You know, but I wouldn't expect Satan

to go to all this trouble to have sex with Mary Kohnert

because she just doesn't seem that kinky.

And I would expect Beelzebub, he's got to be a freak, right?

-Oh, he is. -Okay.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-[Speaking Serbian] [Telephone ringing]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

♪♪

[Train rails clanking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I killed Melanie and Larry.

I killed Christie and Richard.

I'm destined to kill all of you.

I didn't know.

I've been the instrument of the devil.

I won't be anymore.

I don't want anyone else to die because of me.

-Oh, God, help me!

Get something, get some sheets!

♪♪

[Clanking]

[Metal creaking]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Metal creaking]

[Train rails clanking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Give me the bomb.

Come on.

-[Grunts]

♪♪

-Help! Help!

Help!

Help! Help!

♪♪

♪♪

-I can't see. -Help me! Help!

Don't let me die!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

[Metal clanking]

[Squelching]

-No!

-[Screams]

Kevin!

♪♪

Oh, God!

Kevin!

♪♪

[Train whistle blowing]

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Conversations in Serbian] [Metal clanking]

[Train chugging]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Rumbling]

-Hello?!

[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Engines start]

[Train chugging]

[Train whistle blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Explosion]

[Geese honking]

-[Laughing]

-Angel!

Angel, what're you doing?!

-[Laughing]

♪♪

♪♪

Beverly!

[Train whistle blowing]

Beverly!

-Watch out, get inside!

-[Yelling]

-Angel!

-[Laughing]

[Squelching]

♪♪

-[Speaking Serbian]

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Train whistling blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Train horn blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-Go, go, Beverly, go!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Explosion]

♪♪

♪♪

[Explosions]

[Beeping]

[Train whistle blowing]

[Steam hisses]

[Stones clacking]

[Clacks echoing]

[Clacks echoing]

-[Crying]

[Stones clacking]

[Uneven flute music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Pleasant music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-Marius, you sly dog.

You've been hiding inside your monk's hood,

playing your flute, waiting for your chance

to drop trou and hit on Beverly.

And she's interested in sex, after all.

But first, Darcy, you want a -- you want a marshmallow?

-I am actually good. Thank you.

-Really? -It's not --

-I'm sure they're vegan. -They are not vegan.

-Yeah. These are vegan marshmallows.

We got them --

-You're a liar. You're a liar.

-Anyway, Darcy, that --

that has to be the best kill in the movie.

The one where Kevin gets pulled in half.

And then when the top half of his body hits the tracks,

the wheel of the train cuts off his head.

-Oh, heck yeah. That's awesome.

-I never liked Kevin.

In fact, one problem with the script is

that you don't really like any of these people in the cast.

That was William Geiger as Kevin,

and we just witnessed half of William's career.

His only other movie was

Roger Corman's "Frankenstein Unbound"

one year after this.

And I never thought I would say this,

but I'm very happy to see that

the rock-clanking Serbian senior citizens are back.

It's time to turn the train back

in to the Yugoslavian railroad authorities,

all of whom apparently got acting roles in the movie.

All those people at

the Yugoslavian railway command center.

Did we really need those scenes?

I guess we did, to explain how they're trying

to derail the train or slow it down.

But they're talking Serbian and we can't understand them,

but we don't care, right?

So as the zombified villagers arrive to reclaim their virgin,

I'm going to let this baby roll to the end

because it's quite an ending.

Jeff Kwitny, the director,

said he was trying to -- to create a Brothers Grimm look

in these final scenes, and helping out with that

is the old woman that we've seen several times earlier,

Olga Poznatov, as the crazy old crone.

She was actually born in a small Serbian village

like the one in the movie.

And when Kwitny saw her for the first time, he went,

"Okay, sold, that's an authentic old-school witch. She's hired."

You have anything to add, Darcy?

-Just that they should have had more naked Marius.

-Oh, yeah.

Well, it's always about the "byu-ttocks" with you, right?

-Not just the "byu-ttocks."

-All right, let's go.

Back to the movie.

When he said he wanted a Brothers Grimm atmosphere...

You know, people say that.

What -- What fairy tale, though,

are you talking about when you say that?

-"Hansel and Gretel"? -Well, maybe.

I mean, but it could also be "Little Red Riding Hood," right?

The Brothers Grimm have a lot of stories about young innocents

going into the dark, dangerous woods.

That's one of their staples. That's a -- That's a trope.

-"Rapunzel" maybe. -"Rapunzel" maybe

because the witch was trying to

keep her prisoner forever, right?

Didn't Walt Disney do all the Brothers Grimm stories?

-They did the best ones, for sure.

-Were they really named Grimm, the brothers?

Or was that a marketing thing?

-I never actually thought about that.

-Because they were grim.

They were into violence and cruelty,

but they packaged the stories for children, you know?

One thing we know is that if you're the young pretty girl

in a Brothers Grimm story,

you're going to be assaulted in one way or another.

-True. -And so how long before

the Brothers Grimm get canceled?

-Any day now.

-I know, right? -Yeah.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Horse hooves clattering]

[Stones clacking]

♪♪

♪♪

-Welcome.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-What happens now?

-He will not be gentle, Beverly.

That is not his way.

But your new life will be fantastic.

I am happy for you to be with the Master,

always forever.

This is wonderful.

Tell me,

are you happy?

-I can hardly wait.

Afterwards, I can have everything I want.

-Yes, you will sit to the right of the Master

and every passion, everything that before

has been forbidden for mankind,

everything will be yours forever.

-Things won't be so different then.

I thought afterwards, everything would change.

-But it will, Beverly, for the better.

-Passion, greed, and envy

will run rampant in the world?

-Yes.

Oh,

that pleases you.

My dearest Beverly,

I am so proud I picked you,

and my Master

will be so pleased.

-I wouldn't have missed this for anything.

And will I see you again afterwards?

-Afterwards, you are his.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Speaking Serbian]

[Screaming]

-[Growling]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-No!

♪♪

[Explosion]

♪♪

No!

♪♪

No!

[Thunder rumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Wind howling]

[Wind stops]

-Miss Putnic?

-Yes?

-You must make new passport.

-Why?

-This picture is not acceptable.

When was it shot?

Three months ago?

You look so different.

Come back to our country.

-Thank you.

-Miss Putnic! Miss Putnic!

Wait, wait.

I'm glad I caught you.

A gentleman left this on the desk for you.

He said that you lost it.

-Who left it?

Is he still here? -Yes.

There he is.

♪♪

♪♪

-Thanks.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Plane rumbling]

[Bell ringing]

-Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

We are experiencing a bit of turbulence.

We request that you remain in your seats

with your seat belts fastened

and please refrain from smoking, thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

[Thunder rumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Glass shatters]

♪♪

♪♪

-Miss?

Miss?

Are you all right?

Miss?

Are you all right?

You must've had a nightmare.

Can I get you something?

-I ju--

I wanna go home.

[Uneven flute music plays]

♪♪

[Pleasant music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-So Marius was burned at the stake unjustly

for demonic practices.

And then 500 years later, the Church recognized

he was actually one of the greatest defenders of the faith

and a warrior against Satan so he was canonized.

So he's the patron saint of boning.

I guess he's like God's agent, traveling the world,

aardvarking with virgins

so that they can never be used by the devil.

-Nice job.

-All right. One of the better Vatican assignments.

So Ovidio Assonitis never -- never stopped.

He's still making movies today. He's in his 80s.

He became head of Canon Pictures

during those years when it was losing money

and he almost turned it around.

But listen to this.

He has another "Beyond the Door" picture

in pre-production as we speak,

"Embryo: Beyond the Door."

So it sounds like a prequel.

Also, he's making a movie about the George Floyd murder case,

and he's making a young adult romance flick

called "The Disappearing Girl,"

directed by a 15-year-old female director.

Altogether, he's been associated with more than 2,000 movies

as either producer, director, or distributor.

He always uses a pseudonym,

though, if he's in a creative role.

He is Oliver Hellman as a director.

Jeff Kwitny, the director of this movie,

didn't stick around the film business much longer.

After writing a few movies and he directed three movies,

he became an English teacher

at the prestigious Harvard-Westlake Prep School

in Beverly Hills.

He was there 20 years.

He just recently retired to become a novelist.

And of course, of course, we know Harvard-Westlake.

That's the school that Angel goes to every day

before she goes down to Hollywood Boulevard at night

to turn tricks.

Honor student by day, hooker by night.

All those high school scenes in "Angel"

were shot at Harvard-Westlake.

The only participant in the movie

besides Assonitis who continued in the business

is the Swedish giant Bo Svenson.

We know him best as Sheriff Buford Pusser

in the "Walking Tall" movies and in the TV series,

but he had a ton of very peculiar indie film roles.

"He will not be gentle. That is not his way."

That was -- That was his --

That was his big line in this movie.

How many actors, though, can deliver that line

and make us believe it?

We talked about Bo a lot when we showed

"Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker."

He emigrated to Hollywood from Sweden

when he was 17 years old.

He served six years in the US Marines.

He got his acting breakthrough

in "The Great Waldo Pepper" opposite Robert Redford.

He played the creature

in "Mary Shelley's Original Frankenstein" on TV,

had huge roles in "North Dallas Forty,"

"Delta Force," "Heartbreak Ridge."

He was rediscovered by Quentin Tarantino

in "Kill Bill" and "Inglourious Basterds."

He was in both of them,

and he had starred in the first "Inglorious Bastards."

In 1978, he was inducted into the Martial Arts Hall of Fame

for his prowess as a judo master

and his tireless promotion of judo.

He's just like Charles Durning,

famous for taking any and every role he was ever offered,

which meant guys like Ovidio Assonitis loved him,

putting him in films that were never seen in the United States

but released in the rest of the world.

And at the time of this movie,

he had made 17 movies in just five years.

His agent was the notorious Attilio Santos,

who represented a lot of talent out of his Rome headquarters.

And the way Bo tells it

is he took the role of Professor Andromolek

after the following phone call --

"Bo, I've got a movie for you."

"Does it pay?"

"Yes." "I'll take it."

So he became Professor Andromolek

before he even heard the character name.

But Ovidio Assonitis was a friend of his,

but Ovidio told him later he only got the part

because Terence Stamp turned down the part.

And that's about it, Darcy.

I love this movie the way I love "Demon Wind."

It's similar to "Demon Wind" in my opinion.

Just like in some alternate universe, they --

they're -- they're a double feature.

All right.

What about you? What do you think?

-Really sweet kills. -All right.

You do have to give them a credit

for spending a lot of time and money

on the body ripping part of the movie.

-Yes. -And I have to say,

they made good use of their locations.

They found the right forest, the right village,

and the train -- it was a nice touch.

-"Runaway Train" meets "The Omen."

-Pretty much sums it up. All right. What you got for me?

-It's from the author of "The Final Girl:

How Horror Movies Made Me a Better Feminist."

-Okay.

Oh, Kris Rose? -Yes.

-All right. Awesome.

Uh, here we go.

Here's the -- Here's the book.

"How Horror Movies Made Me a Better Feminist."

"Dear Joe Bob and Diana." -Eh, whatever.

-All right. "Here's the zine version of a horror lecture

I did back in January of 2020.

I just finished editing my rough draft

of my newest zine about hagsploitation

and sent you an e-mail about getting your opinions.

Thank you for showing 'The Baby,'

which is one of my favorites.

Sorry about the Sharpie and the handwriting.

I hope you can read this. I'm a fan of youse guys.

Don't let the bastards get you down.

Yours ghouly, Kris Rose, AKA The Night Hag.

Tulsa, Oklahoma.

PS, please do a hagsploitation episode next season."

And Kris came to the show that we did in Tulsa,

so I was able to talk hagsploitation with her.

She's aware of some titles that I did not know about, but --

but I guess they're in -- in her article.

But she says there are at least 30 hagsploitation movies

in that particular subgenre,

and I read her zine on the subject,

but every time I talk about hagsploitation,

you are not a fan.

You're just not a fan of hagsploitation.

-It depends how it's presented.

-What about the classic

"What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?"

and the companion movie that came out a year later,

"Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte"?

"Baby Jane" was a big hit.

Bette Davis, Joan Crawford.

Then they they tried to pair them together again

for "Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte,"

but I think they -- they were ready to claw

each other's eyes out by that time.

So the follow-up was Bette Davis with Olivia de Havilland,

and Robert Aldrich directed both of those.

So hagsploitation is a star vehicle.

-Yeah, but the star has to be ready to go hag.

-Well, if you divide Bette Davis's career into eras,

she was an ingenue,

she was a film -- femme fatale,

she was a conniving bitch,

she just became this evil character,

she was a female survivor type, you know,

and -- and then her hagsploitation career

goes on for like 15 years.

It was actually the most sustained period

of Bette Davis's career.

She never stopped working right up until the end.

Anyway, some of the greatest stories

in horror involve old crones.

And so those Bette Davis movies

were just updating some of the classics.

-Yeah, those movies were old crone versus old crone.

And the message was that old people are ugly and mean.

-Sort of. I mean, but --

-So it's just -- It's just not my favorite genre.

That's all. -Okay, Darcy.

Well, you'll be happy to know that we've tried to land

a hagsploitation classic and we have failed miserably,

so maybe we'll never have this conversation again.

-I can only hope. -And that's it for me,

Joe Bob Briggs, and Darcy the Mail Girl,

reminding you that a day without sunshine is like night

and the drive-in will never die.

-[Laughs]

-One day, two kids in middle school

come home with a $20 bill and a $50 bill,

and their mom asks them, "Where did you get that money?"

And the first kid says,

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel and this guy left.

And we told him we knew where he had been.

So he asked us not to reveal anything,

and he gave us 20 bucks."

And the second kid says,

and then we follow him,

and when we came to his house,

we told him that now we also knew where he lived.

So he gave us another 50 bucks and he begged us to keep quiet.

Well, the mum is appalled and she says,

"You both should be totally ashamed of yourselves

and you should feel sorry for that man.

I'm sending you both to church to confess this as a sin."

And so the boys did as they were told

and marched off to the church.

They -- They -- They went there to confess and atone.

And after a while they came back home with a $100 bill

and they said, "So, Mom, now we also know where he works."

[Laughter]

Now, notice I did not make him Irish.

They were just Catholic.

-I appreciate that.

-I got another Catholic joke, though.

And I have -- I have a choice.

I can make it -- I can make it Irish Catholic,

or I can make it Italian Catholic.

-Go ahead, make it Irish. -Okay.

So at Saint --

At Saint Patrick's Cathedral in New York,

they have weekly meetings for husband counseling.

So at the session last week, the priest announces

that Liam is approaching --

is approaching his 50th anniversary.

So they've asked him to take a few minutes

and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married

to the same woman all these years.

So Liam stands up and he addresses

all the assembled husbands and he says,

"Well, I've -- I've tried to treat her nice,

spend money on her, do special things.

Like for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Ireland."

And the priest says, "Liam,

you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here.

So please tell us what you're planning for your wife

for your 50th anniversary."

And Liam says, "I'm going to go pick her up."

[Laughter]

♪♪

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

♪ We are sick ♪ -♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting ♪ -♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale ♪ -♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪