All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-In.With.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S20E13.Dark.Night.of.the.Scarecrow.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

-♪ I've been thinking 'bout
our cradle ♪

♪ And the way it used to sway ♪

♪ When the mattress springs
were squealing high ♪

♪ And the roaches ran away ♪

♪ Now I'm gone to Memphis ♪

♪ In my brand-new Chevrolet ♪

-Well...

you know how many people
in the world

live in a real democracy?

8%.

So maybe we ought to just admit

that we're the ones
that are outvoted.

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

-Okay, Darcy.
Let's talk tick removal.

-Okay?

-Big camping weekend.
4th of July.

Skeeters, ticks, snakes,

bears, poison ivy, sunburn,
swamp fungus.

-What is swamp fungus?

-You know, when somebody says,
"Hey, there's the Buffalo River,

let's jump in
the Buffalo River,"

and then you come out
and you've got this

oily, sticky green crud
all over your skin, you know,

and --
and you just feel like

you want to be dipped
in a vat of pig lard

and have your epidermis
scraped with a pitchfork.

You know what I mean?

-I mean, not exactly.

-Well, anyway,
there is nothing worse

than ticks on a camping trip.

And women don't understand this.
You know why?

-Because we're more careful?

-No, because ticks
love testicles.

Ticks always go
right for the balls.

And it's one thing
to remove a tick from your chest

or your arm or your leg
or your foot or your armpit.

It is quite another thing
to carry out

the delicate process
of solo tick eradication

when you're working
with the male crotch.

-I had no idea.

-Well, they should actually
have a nonprofit foundation

to take care of this.

I mean, the National
Testicle-Mangling

Tick Destruction Institute
or something.

Because -- Because that's what

we should be aiming for,
Darcy --

Total tick eradication,
extinction of the species.

-I think that's a little harsh.

-Darcy, do you want
the sperm of mankind

to be sucked into an arachnid?
Do you?

I do believe the future
of the nation is at risk

from just this one problem.

You ever had a tick
on your testicle?

-Not that I'm aware of.

-Okay, then stand aside
and let me explain this.

There are traditionally three
ways to kill an embedded tick.

So Austin, give me that chart,
alright?

-Alright.

-You know, maybe we could
mention the movie.

-Oh, yeah.
Well, excuse my manners.

Our first movie tonight is
"Dark Night of the Scarecrow,"

which many consider
to be the greatest

made-for-TV horror movie
in history.

And there's quite a bit
of competition

for that distinction.

-Not really.

-You're not a fan of
"Dark Night of the Scarecrow"?

-Oh, I am a super fan of
"Dark Night of the Scarecrow."

I just don't think there are
that many really good

made-for-TV horror movies.

-Well, the one people always
mention besides this one is

"Trilogy of Terror," but that's
an anthology film from the '70s.

I don't count anthology films.

And "Don't Be Afraid
of the Dark."

They talk about that one.
That's also in the '70s.

But -- And I don't even remember
who was in

"Don't Be Afraid of the Dark."

-Kim Darby and Jim Hutton.

It was -- It was like
a goblin movie.

But the remake was better.

-Well, of course it was better.

The remake was a real film.

But we're talking about films
that played only on TV.

-"The Night Stalker"?
-"Night Stalker"?

Okay. Alright.
We have three now.

So I agree
with "The Night Stalker."

-I just --
There aren't that many

because of
network taste standards.

-Well, I know there have been
some Draculas on TV.

There have been
some Jekyll and Hydes.

Maybe one Frankenstein.

You know what, do one of your
patented surveys for Fangoria.

You know, you're always
writing those articles

about overlooked movies.

Give me your top 10
made exclusively for

network television
horror titles.

-Honestly, that is a really
good idea. Thank you.

-Okay.
I know it's not as exciting

as hopping Chinese vampires,
which you did.

-You read my article.

-I read all your articles.

-Well, I mean, you could
mention them once in a while.

Hopping Chinese vampires
are really freaking cool,

and we don't show enough
of them on the show.

-Alright, I'll take that
under advisement.

Hop-- Hopping Chinese vampires.
-You will?

-Maybe. Alright.

Darcy the Mail Girl,
ladies and gentlemen,

here to field your texts,

your tweets, your e-mails,
your Instas, your TikToks,

your plaintive cries
for films from the '80s

that we will never show.

She is your pipeline
and she is your advocate.

-Damn right.
-Alright. So --

But, Darcy, the subject at hand
is bloodsucking tick removal.

-I'm sorry that I talk
so much about movies.

-You're forgiven.
Okay. As you can see,

there are three traditional ways
to destroy the life of a tick.

And, well,
there are actually four ways.

Because the first time you get a
tick when you're in Cub Scouts,

you know, your instinct
is just rip it off

or pop it like a pimple.

You know, big mistake.

You have just left
various tick body parts

embedded in your body,
including,

most importantly, the head.

The head of the tick is there.

He's decapitated,
but he's still sucking

and you're going
to need antibiotics.

So -- Plus, your scoutmaster
is going to start a fire

and sterilize the end
of his pocket knife, you know.

Ooh, no, thank you.

So first traditional
removal method -- tweezers.

Alright?

This is what
the school nurse will tell you.

You know, use the tweezers,
get them in there

as close to the skin
as possible,

squeeze the tick gently
and pull it slowly straight up

so that all the legs come out.

You know, like,

"Don't pay any attention to me,
little tick man.

I'm just going to lift you
a few millimeters

and you will feel fine and then
I'll squash you under my shoe."

You know,
that's -- that's the plan.

Never works. Never works.

Because the tick freaks out.
He goes for broke.

He tries to suck
as much blood as possible

before certain death.

So don't even waste time
on number one.

It's like working
on the bomb squad.

You know, one false move,
you're screwed.

Okay, method numero two-o --

suffocate the son of a bitch.

You know, now different people
use different substances.

I mean, you're basically going
to cut off the tick's air supply

with either Vaseline,
Neosporin, wood alcohol,

hydrogen peroxide, vinegar,
or just a big old sloppy glob

of nail polish
will do it, you know,

But -- But here's why
it's not going to work.

It takes too long
for him to die.

And when he's in
the paroxysms of painful,

desperate breath deprivation
or whatever it does to him,

he tenses up and he clamps down
with those pincer legs

and you end up
with a lifeless smudge

that is nonetheless
still attached to you.

Alright, the third way --
I've done this a hundred times,

so do not listen to anybody
in the medical community

who warns you not to do this.

Always do this.

Light a match, blow it out,

and immediately put the hot
smoldering end of the match

directly on the back
of the tick.

It does something to every
muscle in his nasty little body

and all his legs stick
straight out

and his head comes up
out of your epidermis,

often leaving a clean cavity
where he's been burrowing,

and a flick of your finger
is all it takes

to send 100% of him
tumbling through space.

Of course you want
to go hunt him down

after he tumbles through space

because you want
to finish him off,

even though he's probably
already paralyzed

and on his back
and begging for euthanasia.

-Wow, I cannot believe you've
given

this much thought to ticks.

-Darcy, if you had balls,
you would understand.

-I guess.

But, like, wouldn't you
burn yourself doing that?

-Yes, you can burn yourself
doing that.

You can -- You can double over
clutching your groin

like that catcher for
the Nationals last year,

Keibert Ruiz,

that catcher who got --
I shouldn't laugh.

-You shouldn't.
-He got clocked --

He got clocked with a foul ball
in the second inning.

And then by the sixth inning,

his testicles were
the size of grapefruits.

I mean, we -- we know that
because he told us

they were
the size of grapefruits.

But my point is,
it's worth the risk to -- to --

to -- to watch this
nasty parasite suffer

and watch him expire.

So --
-Well, speaking of balls,

I think it was ballsy
of Charles Durning

to take the lead role in
"Dark Night of the Scarecrow"

because that is one

of the most hated characters
in horror history.

-Are you trying to
change the subject?

-Somebody has to, man.

-You know,
the summer is upon us.

This is important
consumer information.

Bare skin in
tick-infested warrens.

-Warrens?
-Yes.

You enter a warren
near your campsite

and suddenly you're engulfed
by ravenous ticks.

-Ticks don't live in warrens.

-Well, they should live
in warrens.

-Warrens are rabbit holes.

-Okay.
"Dark Night of the Scarecrow."

This is the sensitive story
of a megalomaniac, small-town

postmaster
who just might be a pedophile

but is so full of
downright meanness

that he bullies
a mentally challenged man

whose best friend
is a 10-year-old girl.

And the result is a series
of grisly murders

revolving around
a creepy scarecrow

and the local rednecks.

Sure, we've seen it before,
but have we seen it

with sophisticated
farm machinery

energized by
supernatural forces?

I think not.

Let's look at those drive-in
totals and get started.

We have 6 dead bodies,

1 vicious canine attack,

1 vigilante round-up,

1 firing squad,
with multiple bloody wounds,

1 home-invasion-induced
heart attack,

1 exploding house,

1 mail-truck crash,

killpit of the corn.

-Okay.

-Multiple whiskey guzzlings,

shovel to the cranium,

pitchfork through the gizzards,

grave digging,
two stepping,

apple bobbing,

flower crushing,

gratuitous garden-gnome montage,

lynch mob fu,
brush machine fu,

farm machinery fu,
scarecrow fu.

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations for

Lane Smith as the wood-chipping
farmer who says,

"I'm going to teach
that moron a lesson."

Charles Durning as Otis,
the postal vigilante who says,

"Get the dogs
and get the guns."

And "You're not afraid of me,
little girl.

I'm the mailman."

Jocelyn Brando as Mama Ritter
who says,

"Nobody's going to hurt you.

Mama's not going to let him."

And "There's other justice
in this world,"

as she's dragged screaming
out of the courtroom.

Tonya Crowe
as the 10-year-old girl

in fluffy slippers
who loves Bubba.

And Robert F. Lyons
as the grease monkey Skeeter

who says, "We killed him.
Please stop. I get so confused."

Larry Drake as
Bubba the village id--

the village
developmentally delayed

intellectual disability victim.

J.D. Feigelson, the writer, for
doing things the drive-in way

despite the limitations
of network TV.

And Frank De Felitta,

the director,
for nailing the ending.

Four stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

-Wait, I thought you were
going to give us

a 4th of July message.

-No, I'm not doing
4th of July message this year

because I decided tick removal
technique was more important.

-But your messages
are always so cute.

-Nobody wants to hear
a horror host waving the flag.

-Sure we do.
-Tick removal is more practical.

I mean, first of all,
you can't even say

the word America anymore

without somebody saying
"Just what do you mean by that?"

You know? So I mean,

it's really hard to talk
about the 4th of July anymore

because stuff that used
to be common,

you just can't --
you can't say it anymore.

-Can't we just say, "Yay,
America is awesome"?

-Oh, Darcy, come on.

-No?

-We're going to get letters
just from you saying that.

You know,
"America is not awesome."

You know,
we're going to get letters.

-So no 4th of July message.
-No. Too risky.

-Who would complain?

-Americans.

-Who are you calling
an American?

-Exactly.
No, that's what I mean. Exactly.

Yeah.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Are the flowers
that I've seen ♪

♪ Growing in the fields so gay ♪

♪ To brighten up our way ♪

♪ To brighten up our way ♪

♪ Red and yellow,
green and blue ♪

♪ Growing in my garden too ♪

♪ Flowers seem to
smile with glee ♪

♪ Just for you and me ♪

♪ Just for you and me ♪

-Okay, give me another one.

Aw, Bubba, look what you did.

You ruined it.

Don't squeeze it like that.

Hold it by the stem
like I showed you.

Okay, find me another one.

That's better!

See, you can do it!

-[Laughs]

-Look, Bubba,
isn't it beautiful?

It's a lei.

Everybody gets one
when they go to Hawaii.

Here's one for you, Bubba.

-[Gasps]

Beautiful.

-Now I have to give you a kiss.

Come on, Bubba!

You have to, it's the custom.

It comes with the flower.

-[Mumbles]

-Then give it back.

Okay then.

Come on, Bubba.

♪♪

-♪ Red and yellow,
blue and green ♪

♪ Are the flowers
that I've seen ♪

♪♪

[Engine starts]

[Wood chipper whirring]

-Hi, Otis.

-He's out there again.

And he's got the Williams girl.

Unh-unh!

-You know what
he's liable to do?

-Yes.

-Well, let's get down there
and break it up then.

-Well, what good would it do?

Two days and he'd be back again
just like before.

-Not this time.

I'm gonna teach that moron
a lesson.

-You're wasting your time.

-Just you wait and see.
When I get through with him --

-You're wasting your time!

He's an idiot.
He can't remember.

You ought to know that by now.
-Well, what'll we do then?

-Nothin'.
-Nothin'?

Wait a minute.

I don't understand this.

It was your idea he's dangerous
in the first place.

You're the one who always
wants to run down there

and rub his face in the dirt.

What happened all of a sudden?

You changed your mind.

♪♪

-He's a blight.

♪♪

Like stinkweed and cutworm
that you spray and spray

to get rid of but
always keep coming back.

♪♪

No, I haven't changed my mind.

Something's gotta be done.

♪♪

But it has to be permanent.

-Hey, Otis...

I'll kick him around a little...

have a little fun with him,
but, uh,

that's as far as I'm gonna go.

-What would you do if
somethin' happened out there?

-Well, that's different.

You know what I'd do!

There'd be a reason.

-Uh-huh.

Say hello to the missus for me.

[Engine starts]

♪♪

-♪ For my friends
a chain that never ends ♪

♪ A chain that never ends ♪

-Bubba, look!

[Birds chirping]

The Renfros got a fountain!

Isn't it beautiful?

-Beautiful.

-Come on.

Come on!

-No!

-Why?

-Bubba can't go in yard.

-Just to look,
we won't hurt anything.

-No.

I'll get in trouble.

-Don't be such a scaredy cat.

There's nobody home anyway.

Okay, you stay here.

I'll go by myself.

-[Laughs]

-[Laughs]

[Dog growling]

♪♪

♪♪

Bubba. Bubba!

♪♪

Bubba!

♪♪

Bubba! Bubba!

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Knocking at door]

-Alright, alright,
I'm coming!

-[Crying]

B-Bubba didn't do it!

-[Screams]

[Tires screeching]

-Thank you.

-Otis!

It's happened!

Bubba Ritter. He's done it!

-The Williams girl?

-Just like you said!

-How bad?
-She's dead, Otis!

♪♪

♪♪

The Sheriff's calling
for volunteers.

Everybody's gonna meet
over at the courthouse.

-No!

We'll do this ourselves.

Let's get the dogs and the guns.

♪♪

[Car horn honking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Banging on car]

♪♪

♪♪

-Here they come!

Darby, take over.

[Horn honking]

About time.

♪♪

[Dogs barking]

♪♪

-[Panting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Come on, come on.

Make a start, let's make a move.

Here we go!
-This way!

They're on to him!

-Harless, drive around
to the other side.

Let's catch him
before he gets home!

-Alright.
-Let's go! Let's go!

♪♪

♪♪

[Dogs barking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-You alright, Mr. Philby?

-I'm fine, Skeeter, go on, go.

Go on, yeah, go.

♪♪

-Mama! Mama!

Mama! Mama!

♪♪

Mama!
-Bubba, what is it?

-Marylee got hurt!

But I didn't do it, Mama!

I told her not to!

Bubba told her not to!

-Not to? Not to what?

[Dogs barking]
-Help me, Mama!

They gonna hurt me!

They gonna hurt Bubba.
He's scared, Mama!

But I didn't do nothing bad!

-I know, sweetheart.

You're a good boy.

Now, nobody's gonna
hurt you, you hear?

Nobody's gonna hurt you!

Mama's not gonna let 'em!

Damn them!

Anything happen in that town
and they come blamin' you!

Now get up here!

Listen to me.

Now, you remember what
we did the last time?

We played a game.

The hiding game.

Remember?

-The hiding game?

The hiding game!

I remember!
I remem-- the hiding!

I can play good, Mama!

-I know. Now, come on.

We're gonna play it again!

Come on. Come on!
-Hiding game!

We're gonna play the game.

-I'm gonna play the hiding game.

-Yes, we're gonna play the game!

♪♪

[Dogs barking]

♪♪

♪♪

-Here! Take the dogs!

You go on ahead.

-I've got 'em, Mr. Hazelrigg!

-You see anything?
-No, I haven't seen a thing.

-They're on to somethin' here.

Come on, boys, what is it?

-Come on, we've got him now!
Let's go!

Let's go!

♪♪

We got him!

-What are we gonna do?

-Shut off the engine.

Keep the dogs quiet,
let me handle it.

Bubba Ritter!

Come on, Bubba,
we know where you are!

-Maybe he ain't here,
Mr. Hazelrigg.

-Damn it, Bubba, I'm not
gonna fool around with you.

You hear me?

Now, you come on out of there!

-What are you men
doing on my property?

I asked you what you're doing?

-We've come him, Mrs. Ritter!

-In a pig's eye!

-This is official.

-Official?

Who do you think you are?

The only official you ever done
is lick stamps.

Now get off my place!

-He's wanted, Miss Ritter.

-I don't believe it!

You're just out here
to torment him again!

What's he supposed to have done?

-What do you think?

-Frank Williams' daughter.

-No!

He wouldn't hurt nobody.

Especially a child!

Don't ya understand?
He loves children.

He plays with 'em because
he's no older than them

in his head.

-He's 36 years old, Mrs. Ritter.

He's physically mature.

Where is he?

-He ain't here.

[Dogs barking]

-Dogs say different.

-I ain't seen him!

-We'll tear this place apart
if we have to.

-Over my dead body.

-I'm warning you,
you're obstructing justice.

-And you ain't the law!

-You're obstructing justice
and aiding a fugitive!

-And you're trespassing,
and this is my property

and you just get the hell off!

-Mrs. Ritter!

Mrs. Ritter!

-Mr. Hazelrigg, they've picked
up on somethin' over here.

Don't look like
he was in the house.

-Maybe he's headed
across the field.

Same thing he did
the last time we lost him.

-Not this time.

We got dogs.

We got dogs! Come on!

[Dogs barking]

[Engine starts]

[Dogs barking]

♪♪

-They're onto somethin'!

Mr. Hazelrigg,
they're on to somethin' here!

Come on, boys, what is it?

Come on!
You can find him, boys!

Come on!

[Dogs barking]

-What's the matter with 'em?

-I don't know!

Come on. Come on!

-Looks like they lost him!

-No, that's impossible!

-Same as they did last time!

-Aw, they think
he's the scarecrow!

-Come on! Knock it off!

Come on!
-Give me that!

No, don't!
Don't, Mr. Hazelrigg!

-Damn eggsuckers!

-Don't kick 'em, Mr. Hazelrigg!

He's okay.

♪♪

-[Whimpering]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Bubba didn't do it!

♪♪

[Crow caws]

[Gunshots]

-Hello, Harless?

Hey, Harless, do you copy?
Come back.

Hey, Harless, you out there?

-Yeah, Loomie, go ahead.

-Hey, where you at?

-We out here at
the Ritter place.

-What are you doing out there?

They called everything off
a half-hour ago.

-What the hell
are you talking about?

-Hadn't you heard?

Little girl's alright.
It was all a mistake.

Hank Renfro's dog jumped her.

They've already released her
from the clinic

and sent her home.

Funny part is
ol' Bubba saved her life.

Ain't that a laugh.

♪♪

Harless?

Hey, Harless, you readin' me?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Strong winds blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Dogs barking]

♪♪

[Static]

-I love the way
the weird wind kicks up

as though the world
is now out of joint.

The Earth itself is disturbed
by what just happened.

And so by the first commercial
break on the CBS network

on the night of
October 24, 1981,

exactly one week
before Halloween,

everybody was already
hooked on this movie.

This was not your normal
TV movie

because, first of all, you have
Charles Durning as Otis,

not the typical role
for a musical comedy star.

And there can only be
one reason

why Otis is so interested in

eliminating Bubba
from the town --

because he wants Bubba's
10-year-old friend Marylee.

Pretty strong stuff
for a family network.

And then we have
Larry Drake as Bubba.

Now, this was the second time

he'd played a character
named Bubba.

The first time was in
the Herschell Gordon Lewis

moonshine movie
"This Stuff'll Kill Ya!"

10 years earlier.

But he didn't even
get paid for that job,

so this was his first paying job
after moving from Tulsa to L.A.,

and he went to director
Frank De Felitta's house

and he performed a scene
from "Of Mice and Men."

I guess he had played Lenny
at some point.

And of course, this character
is a version of Lenny

in "Of Mice and --"
"Of Mice and Men."

And -- But what's interesting
is this character

would kind of define
Larry Drake's whole career

because Larry Drake
would win two Emmy Awards

as Benny on "L.A. Law,"

the law firm's mentally
challenged messenger.

And of course, we also know him
as Dr. Giggles

and the tough criminal
Robert G. Durant in "Darkman."

But he's best known
and loved as Benny.

So here he's doing a version
of Benny

five years before
"L.A. Law" even existed.

So I have to think
that this role played a part

in getting that later role.

And then as though that wasn't
enough working against type,

we have Jocelyn Brando
as Bubba's mama, Mrs. Ritter.

She was nearing
the end of her career,

although she would do
"Mommie Dearest" the same year

that this movie came out.

If you remember the scene
in "Mommie Dearest"

where Christina confronts
her mom, Joan Crawford,

and Joan proceeds to slap her
around in front of the reporter,

and then they end up
in a knock-down, drag-out fight

and Joan tries to
strangle her to death,

well, Jocelyn Brando plays
the reporter who helps pry

Joan off of the daughter.

Anyway, it's interesting

to see her going hillbilly
in this movie, Jocelyn Brando.

Even though she actually did
grow up on a farm.

Karl Malden used to say
that Jocelyn Brando

was as great
or possibly greater talent

than her famous little brother.

When she was young, she did
"Mr. Roberts" on Broadway.

She did "Desire Under the Elms"
on Broadway.

But the alcohol got her
just like it got their parents.

And by the time
this movie comes out,

it's been 30 years
since her signature role

as Glenn Ford's wife
in the Fritz Lang film noir,

"The Big Heat."

And most people know her,
if they know her at all,

for a recurring role
on the TV series "Dallas."

And then you add to that --
And normally

I don't talk this much
about the casting,

but I got to do it
on this movie.

The three yahoos who go out
in the cornfield

chasing Bubba
with Charles Durning

are all highly respected
character actors, veterans.

You got hundreds of years
of experience

in the cast of this movie.

Alright, let's see
what's going to happen

to the four guys who just blew
Bubba to smithereens

while he was cowering
inside a scarecrow.

Roll the film.

You know, they shot this movie
in Piru, California,

and that's a little town about
an hour north of downtown L.A.

It's -- And actually that
rundown post office

where Otis works, that's
the real post office in Peru.

This may be the only movie --
movie I've ever seen

about a megalomaniac postmaster.

"Get the guns and the dogs."

You know,
he even tells Jocelyn Brando,

"You're obstructing justice,"

you know, and she very
accurately points out

that postmasters
in broken-down mail trucks

don't normally have the right
to arrest people.

So anyway, Piru is this town
that Hollywood uses

when they need
a redneck universe.

I think because it's kind
of its own redneck universe.

It's a tiny town,
but it's been used in dozens,

if not hundreds of movies

going all the way back
to the silent era.

And those mountains
in the background,

those are the Topatopas,

which has nothing to do
with what I'm talking about.

I just like saying it.

Topatopa.
Topatopa Mountains.

♪♪

[Static]

-Objection!
Objection, Your Honor!

[Gavel bangs]
-Order. Order in this court!

-That point has been
established, Your Honor!

-That's not the point at all.

The men had no reason,
no right to be out there.

Legal or otherwise.

-Objection!
Objection, Your Honor!

The sheriff called for
volunteers,

and the District Attorney
knows it!

He is deliberately
harassing my clients!

-They are vigilantes.

And anyone who doesn't
understand that

is either blind or incompetent.

I mean, the man was helpless
for God's sake!

-That's a lie, and you know it!

[Spectators murmuring]

-I'm sorry, Your Honor.

I almost forgot.

He had a pitchfork.

Against four men with guns.

He might as well have
had a -- a feather duster

against that firing squad.

-I object!
I object, Your Honor.

[Gavel bangs]
-Everybody get quiet now!

Now, that is the last time
I'm gonna put up with that.

Now, either you people are gonna

observe the quorum
of this hearing

or I'm gonna hold you
in contempt.

Otis,

I want you to tell this court
whether you or these men

gave the deceased a chance
to surrender himself.

You're under oath.

-Yes, Your Honor, we did.

Several times.

In fact, we even fired shots
in the air.

We did everything we possibly
could not to hurt him.

We had to defend ourselves.

-Def-- Defend yourselves?

The man had
21 bullet wounds in him!

-Objection.
Objection, Your Honor!

[Gavel bangs]

-Now, once more
and I'm gonna clear this room!

Will the attorneys come
on up here to the bench.

Now, gentlemen, we have got
a very delicate situation

on our hands here.

Now, we have to be
extremely careful.

Sam, these men are
members of the community.

They're not criminals.

-But, Your Honor,
they went out --

-Sam!
I'll tell you the truth.

After listening
to the arguments,

I don't think you have
a case against 'em.

-Henry. Your Honor.

These men went out with
no legal right, they --

-Sam, Sam, you have
produced no witnesses.

You have produced no evidence.

You have not shown me
one thing to prove

that what happened is any
different than what they say.

Now, do you have anything else?

Do you have anything else
to present?

-No.

-Then alright.

After reviewing the evidence
and testimony in this hearing,

I find it insufficient to
establish probable cause.

And I'm ordering the defendants

released from custody
immediately.

-No!

No!

They're murderers!

They killed my son!

They killed my son!

They murdered him!
They murdered him!

It ain't right that
you let 'em go free.

They killed my boy!

They killed my boy!

You may think that
you're getting off free

but there's other justice
in this world

besides the law.

[Crying]

[Murmuring]

-Court is adjourned.

[Clamoring]

[Applause]

-Hazelrigg!

Just a minute!

I want to tell
you men one thing.

I think you executed that man,
and I promise you this --

If I ever find a single
shred of evidence,

I'll see every one of you
on death row.

Am I keeping you, Mr. Hazelrigg?

-Huh?

Oh, well I was just
noticing the time.

It's Tuesday, and Mrs. Bunch'll
be havin' fried chicken

over at the boardin' house
right now.

[Laughter]

-Fried chicken!

[Laughter]

I thought he was
gonna drop his teeth!

Fried chicken!

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Strong winds blowing]

♪♪

[Trash cans clattering]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-How is she?

-Oh, Frank,
in these past few weeks,

I've never been so
frightened in my life.

-I know, honey.

It's over now.

She's gonna be just fine.

Try and relax.

-You know, I never realized
she was so attached to that man.

-What do you mean?

-It's the first thing
she asked about.

"Where's Bubba?
What's happened to Bubba?"

I have to stop her from
getting out of bed.

She was going out to see him!

-Well, didn't you tell her?

-I didn't have the heart to.

Especially in her condition.

I just told her we'd talk
about it another time.

Oh, Frank, what am
I gonna tell her?

-Don't tell her anything.

Just let it lie.

♪♪

♪♪

[Dog barking in distance]

-Bubba?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Knocks on window]

Bubba?

♪♪

Bubba, you asleep?

♪♪

Olly olly oxen free?

♪♪

Bubba?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

♪♪

Bubba?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Bubba?

♪♪

♪♪

-Child!

What on earth?

Look at you.

What in the world are you doin'

runnin' around
this time of night?

And in your gown!

Oh, sweetheart,
you should be home in bed.

You're gonna get sick!

We're gonna go down by the fire
and get you warm.

-Where's Bubba?

-What?

- He's not in his
room, I looked!

-Oh, child!

[Clock ticking]

Nobody told you...

Bubba's gone.

-Gone?

Where?

-Well, where they
can't hurt him no more.

-Well, when is he coming back?

-He's not, sweetheart.

-Never?

But he can't sing
the flower song by himself.

He only knows his ABC's up to G.

I've gotta find him,
Mrs. Ritter!

He was just learning to
tie a bow-knot

in his shoe laces.

-Oh, child...

[Crying]

-Don't cry, Mrs. Ritter!

I'll help you find him, really!

I know all the places
he likes to go, where he hides.

Come on, I'll show you!

I'll show you!
-Marylee!

-Come on!
-Marylee, wait, child!

-You don't understand!

Marylee!

Marylee!

Marylee!

Marylee!

-♪ Flowers that I've seen ♪

♪ Growing in the field so gay ♪

♪ To brighten up our way ♪

♪ To brighten up our way ♪

♪ Red and yellow,
green and blue ♪

♪ Growing in my garden too ♪

♪ Flowers seem to
smile with glee ♪

♪ Just for you and me ♪

♪ Just for you and me ♪

[Insects chirping]

Don't worry, Mrs. Ritter.

Bubba's not gone.

He's just being silly.

Don't you know what he's doing?

He's playing the hiding game.

[Crows cawing]

-Good morning, Mr. Hazelrigg.

-Good morning, Mrs. Whimberly.

-How are you today?
-Never better, Mrs. Whimberly.

Never better.
-Thank you, thank you.

-Come on, keep it movin',
you sucker!

-Hi, Otis!

-Hi, Mrs. Hocker.

See ya again.
-Okay.

Harless!

-What?

-We just got an invitation

to the church
Halloween carnival.

Ya hear?
-What?

-To the church party.

Can we go?

-Oh, I don't care.

-Well, I'd have to let 'em know
before Saturday

because they sure do want me...

Harless?

-What now?

-Have you started planting?

-What?

-I said, have you
started planting?

-What's the matter with you?
Can't you see I'm busy?

You ever seen me plantin'
this time of year?

-No.

-Well, why do you ask
a lame-brain thing like that?

-Well, I just thought
it was kinda strange,

I mean, if you're not plantin',

why would you put up
a scarecrow?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-You know, scarecrows
are creepy

even without this storyline.

But this was the invention
of the scarecrow subgenre.

This was the very first one.

There is no scarecrow horror

prior to
"Dark Night of the Scarecrow."

And since then, there have been
a couple dozen of them.

"Night of the Scarecrow"
in 1995.

They just got rid
of the single word "dark."

Plus, "Children of the Corn 3,"
"Dark Harvest,"

several episodes of
"Goosebumps,"

"Psycho Scarecrow,"
and then by 2001,

the subgenre
was so well-established

that the Japanese made one
called simply "Scarecrow."

"Jeepers Creepers"
is probably the best one.

There's even a spring break
scarecrow movie.

"Scarecrow Gone Wild."
And that's not a comedy.

It's not tongue in cheek.
They play that totally straight.

Anyway, the actress playing
the 10-year-old Marylee

was 10-year-old Tonya Crowe,

who was actually
a very seasoned child actress.

Her first role was on
"Charlie's Angels" at age five.

And then
she guested everywhere --

on "CHiPS"
and "Trapper John, MD"

and the "Seven Brides
for Seven Brothers" TV series

and "Who's the Boss?"

And she'd been in a couple of
after-school specials.

She was in
"The Bad News Bears."

What I like about her work
in this movie

is that she never for
a single moment acts like a kid.

She's in many ways
the only mature character.

And when Bubba is missing,

she just puts on
her fluffy slippers

and she goes out
and hunts him down,

leading to that
very disturbing moment

where she's sitting
beside the cross

that used to be a scarecrow
and singing a song with Bubba

and reassuring Bubba's mom
that nothing is wrong.

"Bubba's just playing
the hiding game."

So Tonya Crowe would make the
transition to grown-up acting,

and she would work
for many years

on the nighttime soap
"Knots Landing."

In fact, she was one
of the major characters,

Olivia Cunningham.

"Dark Night of the Scarecrow"
was written by my fellow Texan,

J.D. Feigelson,
and he was from Beaumont.

And he had made two
earlier movies in Texas.

He made one called
"The Wind Splitter."

A motorcycle movie,

sort of copying elements
of "Easy Rider."

And in fact, they called it
"the Texas 'Easy Rider.'"

And one of the actors in that
movie actors was Tobe Hooper.

As far as I know,
Tobe's only acting credit.

This would have been
three years before

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,"

when Tobe was still struggling.

And then J.D. Feigelson made
a movie called "Horror High"

that is mostly remembered,
when it's remembered at all,

for having a lot of
Dallas Cowboys players

in law-enforcement roles.

Craig Morton, for example,
is one of the cops,

and both of those were
critical and financial flops.

And so J.D. figured, "Okay,
I got one more chance."

Now, why did he think
he had one more chance?

I don't know. But he came up
with the basic premise

for "Dark Night
of the Scarecrow."

And J.D. is one of those guys
who is so personally charming

that people want to help him.

And one of the people who ended
up helping him was Ray Bradbury.

He sent his first draft
to Ray Bradbury,

and it came back
with all these red lines on it

that Ray Bradbury
was basically telling him,

"Throw it out and start over."

But -- But then he went through
several drafts.

He did what Ray Bradbury
said to do,

and Bradbury agreed to read
all of those drafts.

And on the ninth draft,

Bradbury had one red line
and a note saying,

"You are finished."

So I love stories like that
because it's a major thing

to ask somebody to read
your novel or your screenplay.

That is a major time commitment.

So for Ray Bradbury
to go through that whole process

with Feigelson,
that's pretty amazing.

So after that, he sends it

to various production companies
in Hollywood.

Of course,
they all turn it down.

But like I said, Feigelson
is a very personable guy,

and he ends up cold calling
the head of TV movies at CBS

after CBS
has already turned it down.

And he told her, "Look,

this is exactly
the kind of movie you guys make.

And I think the only reason
you turned it down

was the coverage."

And coverage -- What he means
by that is coverage

is the synopses and summaries

and recommendations
by the script readers

at the network who tend
to be young interns.

So the woman who runs TV movies
admits to Feigelson

that she had not
read the script,

but she promised to read it
over the weekend.

She called him back.
She said,

"You're right, this is fabulous.
Let's go."

So here we are 42 years later,

still talking about this movie.

So let's get back to it.
Go.

I don't think it's a big secret
that movie executives

and TV executives
never read scripts.

I mean...

Even though it's their job
to approve scripts.

You know, Larry Gelbart --
Remember Larry?

He was a great writer.
He created "M.A.S.H."

Many other shows.

People forget
he also wrote for the stage.

And the writer is king
on the stage, you know?

Whatever the writer says goes.

So he -- he wrote the book
for the Broadway musical

"A Funny Thing Happened
on the Way to the Forum"

back in the '60s.

That was one of
his early successes.

And then he wrote
a very funny satire

for Broadway
called "City of Angels"

about the culture of Hollywood.

Cy Coleman did the music.

I-I don't think it was
that popular, but I-I loved it.

So there's a scene
in "City of Angels"

where the screenwriter
goes into producer's office

to meet him
for the first time,

and the producer says,
"I'm your biggest fan.

I've read a synopsis of

every single thing
you've ever written,"

and the reason that's funny
is that very often that is true.

I mean, you do not get ahead
in Hollywood by reading scripts.

♪♪

[Static]

[Tires screeching]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Hey!
Harless, over here!

-Come on! Come on!

We're three ahead of you
already.

-Sure.

♪♪

-Just what the hell do
you think you're pulling?

-What?

-What's the matter?

You got nobody better to kick
around now that Bubba's gone?

♪♪

-What the hell are
you talking about?

-Don't act dumb!

♪♪

You know damn well
what I'm talking about.

Puttin' that thing
out there in my field.

-What thing?
-The scarecrow.

♪♪

Well?

-Harless, we didn't do it.

♪♪

I swear to God, we didn't do it!
It wasn't us!

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

[Knock on door]

-Mr. Hazelrigg.

[Knock on door]

Mr. Hazelrigg.

-Yes, what is it?

-You have
some visitors downstairs.

-Visitors?

-Yes. I told them you were
taking a nap before dinner,

but they insisted I wake you up.

-Okay, Mrs. Bunch,
I'll be down in a minute.

Fellas.

-Uh, was wonderin'
if we could see you, Otis.

-Couldn't it wait?

I think we're gettin'
ready to have dinner.

-Otis.

Now.

-Well, alright.

Come on up.

What the hell is this?

I told you never
to come over here!

Do you know how this looks?

-He seen it, Otis.

-Seen what?

-The scarecrow.

The same one.

Bullet holes, everything,
just like before!

Except now it's
filled with straw.

-Where?
-In my pasture.

I figured they done it.

-Wasn't us!

-I swear, Mr. Hazelrigg,
I don't know nothin' about it.

-Somebody knows, Otis!

-No.

-He didn't walk out there
by itself!

-Nobody knows.

-Somebody put it there.

-Of course!

-Who?

-Who do you think?

-Oh, my God!

-Yes.

-I don't understand.

What is it?

Who you talkin' about?

-Sam Willock!

-The District Attorney? Why?

-Because he's tryin'
to shake you!

And you did just exactly
what he expected.

-What do we do?

-Nothin'.

-Nothin?

-Mr. Hazelrigg, we can't
just sit around and do --

-Go home!
You've done enough already.

Just go home
and keep your mouth shut.

For God's sake,
don't bunch up like this.

You got guilty
written all over you.

Go on.

And one other thing,
don't ever come over here again.

For anything.

Ever!

[Insects chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Wood chipper whirring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Wood chipper shuts down]

-Okay, you can come out now.

♪♪

Sam, I know what you're up to!

♪♪

[Rustling]

[Squeaking]

Sam, let's quit playin' games,
I'm tired!

[Rustling]

Come on down, Sam!

I gotta close this place up.

♪♪

[Creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Come on, Sam!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sam?

♪♪

♪♪

[Wood chipper whirring]

[Gasping]

♪♪

Brenda! Help! Brenda!

[Electricity zapping]

Brenda!

[Screams]

[Wood chipper whirring]

-More preserves, Mr. Hazelrigg?

-Mm-hmm.

-There you are.

-A little more, please.

-Oh, my pleasure.
[Chuckles]

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.
-Biscuits, please, Mr. Loomis.

-A lot of excitement
this morning.

-Yes, there was.

Did you hear all the sirens?

-Sirens? Eggs, please.

-Must have been
before you got up.

Several of them went past.

Guess it was about 6:00,
wasn't it, Mr. Loomis?

-5:58.

-Bacon, please?

-Take my walk at 5:30,
that's how I know.

It was 5:58 when
the sheriff went by.

-Sheriff?
-Yeah.

It was 6:00 when
the ambulance went past.

And it was 6:09 when
the District Attorney took out.

-District Attorney?

-Here, Hazelrigg,
you missed the flapjacks.

Yep, went one right
after the other.

Went out of town like
their tails were on fire.

Say, Hazelrigg, that was Hocker
over here last night, wasn't it?

-Mm-hmm.

-Well, what do you know?

You're here one minute
and the the next one...

Hocker ground himself up in
his brush machine last night.

♪♪

[Radio chatter]

♪♪

[Crows cawing]

-[Crying]

[Car engine starts]

-He was not innocent.

He would have hurt somebody.

-He saved that girl's life!

-It could've been the other way
around, couldn't it?

-Well, what about Mr. Hocker?

-What about Harless?
-That was an accident.

-Accident?

An accident?

-I'm telling you what they said.

-And you believe that?

-Well, what else?

He was workin',
grindin' brush all day.

-In the barn?

In the middle of the night?

-He was drinkin'.
They found a bottle out there.

The judge ruled it an accident.

As far as I'm concerned,
that finishes it.

-Yeah, but he don't know
everythin', Mr. Hazelrigg.

They don't know
about that scarecrow.

-[Laughs]

Scarecrow.

There wasn't any scarecrow.
I looked!

There wasn't anything out there.

-There was last night.

Otis.

Harless was right.

We're in trouble.
Somebody knows!

-Not yet.

But they will,
if you don't drop it!

-You said it was Sam Willock.

Well, it don't look
like that now!

-Because it was an accident!

Now, don't try to make
something that isn't!

-Then who turned
the machine off?

-What?

-You said the machine was off
when they found him.

-It ran out of gas.

-How do you know?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Give me that hoe there.

♪♪

-I wonder why they
didn't think of this.

-Maybe they did.

♪♪

Good God, it's almost full.

-Well, then, who turned it off?

♪♪

-The same person
who turned it on.

♪♪

[Static]

-That was the late,
great Lane Smith getting

ground up in that wood chipper.

Actors Studio legend,
part of the original cast

of "Glengarry Glen Ross"
on Broadway,

lifetime supporting player,

memorable in "My Cousin Vinny"
and "Red Dawn"

and "The Mighty Ducks,"
"Network,"

"Places in the Heart."

Probably the two roles most
people remember Lane Smith for

are Perry White
in "Lois & Clark:

The New Adventures
of Superman" in 1993

and Nixon
in "The Final Days" in 1989.

Lots of Broadway work, though.

Sadly, he died of
Lou Gehrig's disease in 2005.

He's from Memphis, born around
the same time as Elvis.

The great cast was put together
by Frank De Felitta,

not one of the better
known directors.

He was primarily a writer.

He was actually best known
for two

best-selling
supernatural/horror novels --

"Audrey Rose,"
which came out in 1975

and "The Entity" in 1978.

And "Audrey Rose" --

that was a huge deal
at the time.

But the movie version in 1977

with Anthony Hopkins
and Marsha Mason

didn't really register
with the public,

even though it was
a very well done movie,

very much in the vein
of "The Exorcist"

and "Rosemary's Baby."

We should show
that movie sometime.

It's worth showing.

And then we must show
"The Entity."

Barbara Hershey

being repeatedly raped
by an invisible demon.

Sidney Furie got
the directing job on that book.

It came out in 1982 and again,

should have been
much more popular than it was.

Both of those novels
were based on real people.

Supposedly, De Felitta
went to a seance

and he saw a woman
getting raped by a demon.

And then "Audrey Rose"
was based on the idea

that if a child is killed
at the same time

that another child
is being born,

reincarnation can happen
and the soul of one

is transferred into the other.

And De Felitta thought
that that had happened

to his own son,

that he was the reincarnation
of another kid.

The son is not
so sure about that.

Anyway, Frank De Felitta
was born in the Bronx.

He went into the Army Air Corps
during World War II as a pilot,

and then his first writing job
when he got out of the Army

was doing scripts
for "The Whistler,"

the old radio show that was on
in the '40s and '50s.

Does anybody besides me listen
to those old radio dramas?

You know? No, because that's
the nerdiest thing you can do.

But "The Whistler"
was an anthology show.

You never knew what
the story was gonna be.

But The Whistler himself
was this omniscient narrator

who would comment
on the story as it went along.

He was like the voice of God.

But anyway,
like all radio writers,

De Felitta had to segue into TV

if he wanted
to continue to work.

And so he was nominated
for an Emmy in 1963

for an episode of "The DuPont
Show of the Week."

He loved those anthology shows,

so he only directed
eight movies.

They're all very Hitchcockian --

"Killer in the Mirror,"

psychological thriller
starring Ann Jillian;

"Scissors" with Sharon Stone
and Steve Railsback;

"The Two Worlds
of Jennie Logan,"

TV movie, time-travel,
psychological thriller movie

with Lindsay Wagner
and Marc Singer,

and oh -- the immortal
"Trapped,"

1973 TV movie starring
James Brolin

as a man trapped
in a department store overnight

with six vicious Dobermans.

But anyway, he always had
an interest in the supernatural.

He wrote nine episodes
of "Tales of Tomorrow."

He wrote 10 episodes
of "Armstrong Circle Theatre."

These were all mystery-
thriller-horror-type series.

And he was
a very versatile guy.

He also did documentaries
for NBC.

He did a documentary
in 1966 called

"Mississippi: A Self Portrait."

And the documentary included
an interview

with a waiter named
Booker Wright.

And Booker Wright talked about
how shabbily he was treated

while he was working
in this whites-only restaurant.

And after the show came out,
he lost his job

and he got beat up
and his own restaurant

got burned to the ground
and eventually he was murdered.

So De Felitta felt terrible,
of course,

because it was
because of the documentary.

And many years later,
he did a follow-up.

He went back and he met
with Booker Wright's family,

who were all proud of him,
because by then,

Booker Wright had become
a civil rights legend.

But still, that is
a rough reality check

if you're the filmmaker.

And on that grim note,
let's get back to Otis

and his spiffy mail truck.

You notice Charles Durning never
changes clothes

throughout the whole movie?

He has one wardrobe.

Anyway. Roll the flick.

I am The Whistler.

And I know many things...

for I walk by night.

I know many strange tales
hidden in the hearts of men

and women who have stepped
into the shadows.

Yes, I know
the nameless terrors

of which they dare not speak.

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

[Static]

-Marylee?

Marylee?

Marylee, wait!

[Knock on door]

-Marylee, did you
forget somethin', honey?

Marylee?

What do you want?

-Package for ya.

-You got your nerve.

-Just doin' my job.

-Leave it in the box.

-Can't, gotta sign for it.

Thank you.

-Get off my property.

-A friend of mine was
killed the other night.

-So I heard.

-They all think
it was an accident.

I don't.

-Is that so?

There's other justice
in this world.

-Besides the law?

-It's a fact.

What you sow, so shall you reap.

-An eye for an eye?

-Tooth for a tooth, hand
for a hand, foot for a foot.

-A life for a life?

-Now, just a minute.

You think that...

Don't flatter yourself,
Hazelrigg.

There ain't 10 like you
worth my son's life.

-Word to the wise, Mrs. Ritter.

It's even now.

Let it lie.

-Not hardly.

It ain't even.

Not so long as you're walkin'!

You don't fool me,
Hazelrigg, not for a minute.

I seen how you look
at that little girl.

You may think you've
got the rest of them fooled,

but I know exactly what you are!

Stay away from her, Hazelrigg!

This is a small town.

Everybody talks!

You just remember what
I told you, Hazelrigg!

[Insects chirping]

[Pigs grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Upbeat music playing]

[Indistinct chatter]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, you guys,
I've got a great idea!

Let's go play hide and go seek!
-Okay!

-Come on, let's go!
Let's go!

-Come on!

-5, 10, 15, 20, 25,

30, 35, 40, 45, 50,

65, 70, 75, 80, 85,

90, 95, 100.

Here I come, ready or not!

-Now, wait, wait a minute.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Now, you're not afraid of me?

I'm the mailman.

No one's afraid of the mailman.

Let me see your costume.

Isn't that pretty.

Let me see if I can
guess who you are.

Fairy princess?

No, no, that's not it.

I know who it is!

Mommy, right?

Huh?

Show your costume
to Mrs. Ritter?

Hmm?

She's your friend, isn't she?

Yeah, sure.

She's mine, too.

But you didn't
know that, did ya?

Huh?

Do you know somethin'?

I think Mrs. Ritter is
tryin' to play a joke

on me and some of my friends.

I bet she told
you about it, huh?

[Distant applause]

Is it a secret?

I bet that's what it
is, it's a secret!

Well, I can understand that.

You can tell me,
I won't say a word.

Come on, I'm not gonna hurt you.

You come whisper in my ear,
and it will still be a secret.

♪♪

-I know what you did to Bubba.

And you lied about him.

-Where'd you hear that?

-He told me.
He told me everything.

-Marylee.

You know that's not true.

It was Mrs. Ritter, wasn't it?

She told you to say that.
-No.

-Yes, it was.
Now, you tell the truth!

Then who was it?

-I told you, it was Bubba.

-No, it wasn't, damn it!

Bubba didn't tell you that.

Bubba didn't tell you anything.

Bubba's dead!

-I know.

-Marylee!

Marylee!

Marylee.

-The party's up front.

[Upbeat music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, hello, Mr. Hazelrigg.
Can I get you something?

-Something to drink, please.

-This one is plain
and this one is fixed.

I forgot, you don't drink.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I seen it.

♪♪

[Insects chirping]

It was here.

Right here!

-We've gone over this
ground a dozen times.

-Well, maybe it's just
in another part of --

-No, it was here!
Damn it!

Right before dark.

I was right here, looking at it.

It was right here!

Don't you look at me that way!

I'm not crazy.

I saw it!

Just like Harless.

-Okay, okay.

Why don't we come
back in the morning?

-No!

I can't wait until the morning.

-At least let's get inside,

someone's gonna see us
out here and wonder.

-For God's sake, Otis, is
that all you can worry about?

Somebody's gonna
see us and wonder?

That thing's pointin' at me!

-Maybe we should just
go tell the sheriff.

-Are you crazy?

You wanna spend the rest
of your life in prison?

-Well, it's better than dyin'.

Now, you listen to me, Otis,
and you listen good.

You got me into this, now
you just think of somethin'

to get me out, quick!

Or I'm goin' in.

[Static]

-Is Otis pretty much
the worst representative

of the United States
Postal Service

in the history of film?

And where did they get
that little truck

that he loves so much?

Whenever I think of
Charles Durning, I think of him

as the governor in "The Best
Little Whorehouse in Texas."

He does that "Do a Little
Sidestep" musical number.

And you're kind of amazed

that a man that big
can dance that well.

But it makes sense because he
was a ballroom-dance instructor

prior to becoming an actor.

That was his full-time job.

And he didn't make
his first film until he was 40.

But I totally bought him
as the governor of Texas.

He reads very Southern to me,

even though he's actually
from Highland Falls, New York,

which is the next town
to the north of West Point

on the Hudson River.

His mother was actually
a maid at West Point,

but he came from
a hard-core Irish family.

He had nine brothers
and sisters,

and that's probably
what I'm picking up on

to read his Southernness.

His breakthrough role

was playing a corrupt cop
in "The Sting" in 1973,

and then he had a long run
of supporting parts

in big-budget movies
like "The Front Page"in 1974.

He was with Charles Bronson
in "Breakheart Pass."

He had the role of Spermwhale
Whalen in "The Choirboys,"

Doc Hopper
in "The Muppet Movie,"

the football coach
in "North Dallas Forty,"

the boss of Burt Reynolds
in "Sharky's Machine."

He was in several
Burt Reynolds movies.

He was in that Burt Reynolds
series, "Evening Shade."

He was part of Burt's posse,
actually.

He had many guest roles
on television.

He played Santa Claus
five times,

but he was also a war hero.

And this was something
he never talked about.

But other people
did talk about it.

He landed on Normandy Beach
on D-Day.

He was the only survivor
of his unit.

Then he moved with
the Army Rangers into France.

He was injured
by a German landmine.

He spent six months
recovering from that injury.

He went back
to the war in Belgium.

He came face to face
with this teenage German soldier

and he could not
bring himself to shoot him.

And he ended up
getting stabbed with a bayonet

and he ended up killing that kid
anyway with a rock anyway.

Oh, he was captured by the Nazis
at the Battle of the Bulge.

And then he survived what's
called the Malmedy massacre

when German soldiers opened fire
on 90 prisoners of war.

And then in March 1945,

while they were moving
into Germany with the infantry,

he took a bullet
to the chest

and he spent the rest
of the war in the hospital.

So he ended up with three
Purple Hearts and a Silver Star.

And he said
he didn't talk about it

because all his heroes were
in those graves in Normandy.

But anyway, at some point,

he apparently learned
how to carry a movie

because we hate him
so much in this role,

and we can't wait to see
what he does next.

Hoping somebody
will eventually kill him.

He tried to study
acting after World War II,

but the American Academy
of Dramatic Art kicked him out,

told him he had no talent.

He said that --
Ernie didn't like the fact

that they kicked
Charles Durning

out of the American Academy
of Dramatic Art.

He said everything
he knew about acting

he learned from watching
the movies of James Cagney

over and over again.

He was actually working
as an usher in a burlesque house

when he got the acting bug

because this actor
got drunk one day

and he had to go up
on stage and replace him.

And he got some laughs.

And that's when he started
studying acting in earnest.

Claimed that he never
turned down a role

and never argued
with a producer or a director.

And most people who knew him
will back that up.

And he worked right up
until his death.

And his last movie
was "Bleeding Hearts" in 2015.

He played
Santa Claus again in --

But it's a pretty gory
horror flick, Santa Claus.

But he's buried, get this,
in Arlington National Cemetery.

So Otis --

Takes a lot of actor's love

to create
that much audience hate.

Roll the flick.

You know...

those actors who came back
from World War II,

I've interviewed
a few of them.

If they encounter one of those
acting teachers

who wants them to write down

all their intense emotional
experiences in a journal

so they can use that
in their acting,

that's something that they do at
the Actor's Studio, for example.

Those guys just say,
"Fuck you."

And I kind of
get why they feel that way.

And the same thing
with football coaches.

I interviewed
Frank Leahy one time.

He was the coach at Notre Dame,
and he was a coach there in 1946

when the guys were
coming back to college

after spending three
or four years in France

and Germany and Italy
and North Africa.

And so at the first practice,
he made one --

he was a student
of Knute Rockne.

So he made one of those
Knute Rockne speeches,

you know, "We're gonna fight,
fight, fight.

We're gonna push
them down that field.

We're gonna glory
to Notre Dame,"

yadda, yadda, yadda,
yadda, yadda.

And the guys just kind of stood
there and stared at him like,

"Dude, it's just football."

[Laughter]

[Static]

[Clock ticking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Fire crackling]

[Banging]

[Banging stops]

-[Sighs]

[Clock ticking]

[Sighs]

[Tense music playing]

-I warned you.

I warned you
and I gave you a chance

and you wouldn't listen.

Now, I'm warning you
for the last time.

Stop it!

I know it was you!

I'm not gonna let
you panic those men.

Now, I'm willing
to make a trade.

An eye for an eye.

We're even!
Okay?!

-[Screams]
-Stop it!

Stop it, damn you!

You listen to me.

I'm not gonna hurt you!

I'm gonna let you go, okay?

Okay?

No tricks this time, alright?

I'm gonna let you go.

Okay?

♪♪

Now...

♪♪

...there's no reason for you
and I to be going on like...

♪♪

Mrs. Ritter?

♪♪

Mrs. Ritter?

[Dramatic music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Kettle whistling]

[Gas hissing]

[Engine starts]

[Hissing continues]

-What do you think, Ray?

-Well, pretty sure started
here in the kitchen.

You can tell by the way
the flames blew out.

-Any idea what caused it?

-Gas leak.
You can still smell it.

-Intentional?
-Nah, I doubt it.

Seen this kind of thing before.

These old folks, they let
their equipment run down.

Their hoses dry rot,
leak, come loose.

This is what you get.
-Yeah.

I suppose so.

So, tell you what, though,

I'd like for you to look
around a little more.

See if you find anything else.

-Well, now, we went over
it pretty close, Sam.

Lookin' for anything special?

-Just one shred.

-What?

-Nothin', just wanna be sure.

-♪ Red and yellow,
blue and green ♪

♪ Are the flowers
that I've seen ♪

♪ Growing in the fields of May ♪

[Bird squawking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Dell dinging]

♪♪

♪♪

[Insects chirping]

[Pigs grunting]

[Distant rattling]

-[Laughs]

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine sputtering]

Start! Start!

♪♪

♪♪

[Sputtering continues]

♪♪

♪♪

[Footsteps approaching]

♪♪

♪♪

No. No. No. No.

No. No! No!

♪♪

[Door slams]

♪♪

♪♪

[Footsteps approaching]

♪♪

♪♪

[Footsteps stop]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Banging]

[Machine whirring]

♪♪

♪♪

[Cries] No!

[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-You know, that death
by corn scene gets me every time

because I'm claustrophobic.

And the idea of being
buried alive is,

to me, the most
frightening way to die.

That is such
a great death scene.

But then they don't really give
Jocelyn Brando as Mrs. Ritter

a very good death
scene at all.

She just gets frightened by Otis
and has a quickie heart attack.

I mean, you got
Jocelyn Brando in the movie.

Don't give her
a throwaway demise.

Anyway Philby,
the corn silo victim,

is played by Claude Earl Jones.

And if you're a very observant
"Last Drive-In" devotee,

you will remember
that Claude Earl Jones

has been on this show
twice before.

He was in "Bride of Re-Animator"
as the police lieutenant,

and he was in "Evilspeak"
as the soccer coach.

And he was also
three different characters

in the "Dallas" TV series.

He was in Dave Friedman's
classic "She Freak"

set in the carnival world.

But his day job
was teaching drama

at Ganesha High School
in Pomona, California.

Pomona is about
30 miles east of L.A.

on the last leg of Route 66.

And I don't know
why I say it's the last leg.

Could be the first leg if you're
going west to east, you know.

But route 66 is like
a one-way highway, isn't it?

Everybody just thinks of it
as going from Chicago

to Santa Monica

due to the Nat King Cole song,
I guess.

Anyway, I digress.

Claude Earl Jones was
the beloved drama teacher

at Ganesha High School, but he
was originally from Tulsa.

So there's two Tulsans
in this movie --

Claude Earl Jones
and Larry Drake.

And I was recently
at the Circle Cinema in Tulsa,

which has the Oklahoma movie
Walk of Fame out in front of it.

And I did not see
Claude Earl Jones or Larry Drake

listed among the revered
Oklahoma movie icons.

Like, they had Will Rogers.

They had Ben Johnson,
they had Heather Langenkamp.

This must be corrected,
Tulsans.

I mean, don't you think?
It should be.

But I love the way
Charles Durning as Otis

is becoming more
and more deranged

as the movie progresses.

He will do anything
to hold on to his mail truck

and his postmaster badge.

And now
that Mrs. Ritter is gone,

there's only one person left
who's onto his wiles.

Or are there two?

Hmm.

Back to the movie.

The stunning and -- I know
I overuse that word stunning.

But in this case, it's true.

The stunning conclusion to
"Dark Night of the Scarecrow."

So roll it.

I have traveled the length
of Route 66 four or five times.

But it was back in the days when
they had abandoned Route 66.

They didn't even have
any markings on it.

So part of the experience
was you had to search

for the old roadbed.

It took a long time.

It was before it became cool
and historic and and touristy.

But anyway, I always did go
east to west,

Chicago to Santa Monica.

I never once went
in the opposite direction.

I'm not sure why.

Although you can't really go
the whole way east to west

because the highway starts
at the foot of Jackson Street

in downtown Chicago.

And Jackson Street is one way
heading toward Lake Michigan.

So that means at the very
beginning of your trip,

it's a bummer
because you have to drive

one block north to Adams

and then 3 miles out
toward Malcolm X College

until you hit Ogden Avenue
and you take a left on Ogden

and then you're
on Route 66 proper.

And the first thing
you see on Route 66,

the very first thing you see
on Route 66 is North Lawndale,

the North Lawndale neighborhood.
And whoa.

Talk about your mean streets,
you know,

so they don't sell Route 66
souvenirs in North Lawndale.

So anyway...

You do get a souvenir
in North Lawndale.

The emergency room at Saint
Anthony's is on 19th Street

at the southern edge
of Douglas Park.

So important consumer tip

if you are planning
that Route 66 vacation.

[Static]

[Tools clanking]

-Mr. Hazelrigg.

Didn't hear you come in.

Somethin's wrong.

-Philby.

-Uh...ohh.

Let me go.
Let me go!

-Stop it!
-Let me go!

-It was an accident!
-You're lyin'!

-He had a heart attack!

-Well, which was it,
accident or heart attack?

-It was both.

They found him this morning
bottom of the silo.

The grain fell on him.

-No!

-Don't panic, damn it!

They'll know!

-I don't care!

-You listen to me!

There's no reason to
throw it all away now!

-No, no!
I don't wanna hear it!

-It was Bubba!
-No!

-Yes!
-He's dead!

-He's not!
-We killed him!

I saw it!
I was there!

He's dead as a post!

-We don't know!
We left him there!

-Please! Please!
Stop!

Don't say anymore!

You twist everything around,
I get so confused!

-The other night
at the carnival,

I saw the Williams girl.

She told me then,
I didn't believe it!

She said she still sees him.

She still sees him, Skeeter!

It's him, it's always been him!
-They buried him!

He's rotting under
five yards of ground.

-He's not!
-He is!

-I'll make you a deal.
-No!

-You give me a chance,
don't run out!

And I'll prove it to ya, huh?

Come on, come on.

Come on, it's gonna be alright.

[Animals calling,
insects chirping]

There it is.

-Mr. Hazelrigg,
maybe we shouldn't...

-We've got to.

We've got to know.

Dig!

Here.

Open it.

-Mr. Hazelrigg,

if he's in there,

that don't leave
nobody but his spirit.

-Open it!

-Aah! Oh, my God!

It's -- It's him!

-Skeeter!

Stop!

Come back here!

Skeeter!

-Let me go.
Let me go!

-You promised.

You gave your word!
-I don't care!

-I don't care, let me go!

-You promised!
You liar!

-Please, please, Mr. Hazelrigg,
we gotta get out now!

-We can't!
-We've got to!

There's no more excuses.

There's no one left
to blame but us!

For God's sake!

The writing's on the wall!

-I know who it is!

-No! No!

-You listen to me!

-No, no more!

-It's her!
It's the girl!

-No!
I know what you're thinking!

I don't want any part of it!

-But we have to!

-No way!

-Now, we've come this far.

It's almost over.

-No!

No!

Let me go!
Let me go!

Let me go.

[Sobbing]

-Okay, okay.

You win, you win!

Okay, Skeeter.

We'll do it your way, alright?

We'll do it your way.

What are we fighting for?

Here.

I'm sorry.

We have nothin' to fight for.

Come on.

We'll go to the police,
if that's what you want.

Here.

We got nothin' to hide.

The body's there, right?

We got nothin' to hide.

-Okay.

-Now first -- first
we have to cover up --

We have to cover up the body.

If we're gonna go anywhere,

we can't let the body
be like that, right?

Come on, then we'll go
wherever you want.

Come on, boy.

Come on.

I'm sorry, Skeeter.

I just lost my temper.

Come on now.
Now, we gotta do it.

We gotta -- I can't
leave him like that.

Somebody see him like that,
then we'd really be in trouble.

You want me to do it?

-No, no, I'll do it.

-That's a good boy.

You got it?
-Yeah.

Did you know, Mr. Hazelrigg,
that I have a cousin,

lives up in the hills
in Arkansas?

Just lives way back
there in the woods.

There's just nobody
around for miles.

In fact, all's they
got's a dirt road

for the last 12 miles,
getting' up there.

When I was a kid,
I spent the summer there,

just beautiful country.

Fishin', great huntin'.

[Shovel bangs]

[Thud]

[Dramatic music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Sighs]

[Engine starts]

[Ominous music playing]

-Marylee? Marylee!

♪♪

Marylee?

Marylee!

Hey!

Hey!

Wait!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Caught ya!
-[Screaming]

-It was you!
It was you!

-[Screams]

♪♪

[Engine starts]

♪♪

-Who's there?

♪♪

Sam?

Listen, Sam!

I know what this looks like.

But I can explain!

It was her, Sam!

It was her all the time!

[Metal creaking]

♪♪

Sam?

Sam?!

Sam!

Sam!

♪♪

No!

No!

No!

Sam!

No!

♪♪

No! No!

Sam!

Sam! Sam!

♪♪

Sam! Sam! No!

No! Sam!

♪♪

[Gurgling]

[Wheezing]

[Engine shuts off]

[Bird squawking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Thank you, Bubba.

You know what?

Tomorrow, I think
I'll teach you a new game.

Did I ever show you how
to play the chasing game?

It's fun, you'll like it!

It's sort of like playing tag.

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Animals calling,
insects chirping]

[Static]

-Very creepy moment there
at the end

where Scarecrow Bubba
gives the little girl a flower.

The only thing that bothers me
about that final sequence

is that huge ponderous plow
just doesn't seem fast enough

to pursue Otis
through that pumpkin patch.

They should have sped up
the film or something.

And rounding out
the thoroughly professional cast

of "Dark Night
of the Scarecrow,"

we have Robert F. Lyons
as Skeeter,

New Yorker, tap dancer,

studied with both Stella Adler
and Milton Katselas,

so he was thoroughly a product

of the Stanislavski
acting system.

Stella on the East Coast,
Milton in Beverly Hills.

Skeeter makes that little speech
about his childhood memories

of a hiding place
in Arkansas

while Otis is raising the shovel
to club him to death.

And it's the sound of that hit
that sells that effect.

And it's kind of a perfect
acting moment

in the middle of a kill.

This would turn out
to be the highlight

of J.D. Feigelson's career.

He made "Dark Night
of the Scarecrow 2" in 2022,

but nobody much cared
by that time.

Mostly a master
of the TV movie.

He wrote
"Cry for the Strangers,"

"Chiller," "Covenant,"

"Nightmare on the 13th Floor,"

"The Lake," "Red Water."

Any of these ring any bells?

You know, nobody remembers
the titles of TV movies.

You know, I say it's
a highlight of J.D.'s career,

but maybe he's not done.

He's in his 80s now,

as is Skeeter, Robert F Lions.

He's still available

if any casting directors
are watching this show.

And Charles Durning,
by the way,

was a last-minute replacement
for Strother Martin.

Strother had been cast as Otis,

but he passed away
just before filming began.

And this was actually Durning's
very first starring role

and Larry Drake's
first paying job.

When Charles Durning was doing
his homework for the role --

He was one of those guys that,

you know, really studied
for each part.

And he wrote out this extensive
backstory for Otis,

and he listed all these
miserable things

in his childhood

that would make him
turn out the way he did.

And then he went in
and had a meeting

with Frank De Felitta,
the director,

and he read
the whole list to him,

and Frank listened to the list,
and then he kind of sighed

and he leaned back in his chair
and he said,

"And then again, Charlie, some
people are just no damn good."

So [laughs] what do you think,
Darcy?

-I love it.

This movie has proved
that a made-for-TV movie

can be just as scary
as any theatrical release.

-I agree with that.

Frank De Felitta does that thing
where he kind of shows you

in advance
how the victim is gonna die,

which you would probably not do

if you were making
a theatrical film.

And then he builds up
to that moment --

like that shovel
killing of Skeeter --

and he shows
the face of the killer

and he shows the shovel
moving through the frame.

But the gore part, of course,

has to happen at the edge
of the frame, off camera.

-Yeah, chilling atmosphere,
though.

Larry Drake is amazing
and he's so sympathetic

and Charles Durning
is just so vile.

-Yeah. Well, tell me
if you agree with this, though.

I think it inspired Pumpkinhead
to some extent.

-Definitely. Yeah.

-And I think "Witness."
"Witness" stole from it, too.

-I mean, totally at the ending.

-The reason it doesn't have
a bigger following,

I think today is
that Warner Bros.

had the home-video contract
on it,

and that contract
lasted 27 years

and they were
just not interested

in putting it out on DVD.

So if you didn't see it on CBS
in 1981,

the next chance you had
to watch it was 2011.

But I'm glad
we could do a TV movie

in our quest to cover
every type of horror

ever invented
anywhere on the planet.

-Is that what we're doing?
-Yes, that's what we're doing.

-I noticed
that you were talking a lot

about acting tonight,

like schools of acting
and how people learn to act.

-Yeah.
-So...

Here's a letter
from Darla Spears of Kansas City

asking about your acting.

-My acting?
-Yep.

-Oh, God. Alright.

-"Dear Joe Bob,
I just watched you in 'Casino.'

You were great."

-There you go.

-Yeah.
-"You were great!"

-End of letter.
-Yeah. "Casino"!

-"I was wondering
if you had ever auditioned

for any other big movie roles

that you did not end up
getting."

Movie roles
I did not end up getting?

"We mutants would love
to see you pop up

in more mainstream films.

Thank you for answering this.

If you do,
the drive-in will never die.

Sincerely, Darla Spears,
Kansas City, Missouri."

Wow.
Well, it's unlikely to happen

that I would appear
in any big-budget movies

because I am the world's
worst auditioner.

Um, I can't do it.

And one reason I admire
character actors so much

and I talk about them so much

is that, more than movie stars,

is that character actors
have to audition for every role

they ever get throughout
their entire lifetime.

And, you know,
and they -- The good ones,

treat the audition itself
as a kind of art form.

I'm always extremely embarrassed
to even be in the casting room.

-You never seem to, like,
freeze up on the show.

-No, because I assume nobody
is watching on this show.

-Shudder is gonna love that.
-No, I mean, you know,

you can pretend
nobody's judging you

when you're doing
a show like this,

even though everybody's
probably judging you anyway.

-I would really expect you
to love auditions

so you can really show off.

-No, I hate auditions.

You know, I lived in L.A.
for a year or two

when I was between TV jobs.

And the first day I was in L.A.,

I went out on
all these auditions

and the casting directors
would say,

"That was nice.
That was wonderful.

Oh, thank you for doing that.
I enjoyed that."

And so at the end of the day,
I call my agent and I say,

"Hey, I think I just got
six jobs today"

because I didn't realize
in L.A.,

when they say
"That was wonderful,"

it means, "Get out
of my office, you suck."

And so, you know,
if they really want you,

then they start talking
to you about the role.

You know, they don't just say,
"That was wonderful."

It's much easier
to audition in New York.

In New York, they say nothing.
They just go, "Next!" You know?

So you immediately know
that you sucked.

-Or that you just weren't
right for that particular role.

-Well, yeah, and some of
the directors are really nice.

If you're auditioning
for the director,

they'll tell you why
you didn't get the role.

Like, Mel Brooks
was extremely nice to me

when I didn't get that role.

John Woo, I got --
I got a smaller role

in a John Woo movie than the one
I was auditioning for.

He was extremely nice.

And then when I got to the set,

he came over
and he actually bowed.

John Woo bowed, and he said,
"I'm so appreciative

that you would take
this smaller role."

And I mean, it's John Woo.

I mean, I'm gonna take
any role he has,

but he took the time
to come over

and we chatted a little bit
about Hong Kong movies and --

But other times, you know,
I'm thinking of situations

where I was so bad,
I can relive it in my mind

and just cringe, like,
just horribly, horribly bad,

like, literally stumbling
over the words,

losing track of where I am,

not being able to read,
stuttering,

not knowing what I'm doing.

-What audition was that?

-I'm not gonna say.

I actually apologized
to my agent one time

for looking like an idiot.

-Well, what was
the Mel Brooks story?

-The Mel Brooks story
was I learned

to do a Cockney accent
for this small role in --

I did.
You remember "Men in Tights"?

-Yeah.
-Mel Brooks satire.

Robin Hood, you know, so...

-Do it for us.
-What?

-Do it.
-No, no, no, no.

So anyway, Mel Brooks said,
you know,

"Hey, I heard you're
a really funny guy,

but I need a big guy for this.

I need a humongous guy.
So you're really too small."

And so that made me feel better,

you know, like,
maybe I didn't suck, but --

but I was too skinny,
so, I mean,

it's not a very good story,
but, you know, you appreciate --

-Do the Cockney accent.

-The only way I could learn
the accent

is I kept listening
to Sterling Holloway.

They said -- I said,
"What is the Cockney accent?"

And they said, "Sterling
Holloway in 'My Fair Lady.'"

So I'm, like, listening
to Sterling Holloway

in "My Fair Lady"
because he exaggerates

the Cockney accent,
because it's a musical.

-Do it.
-No, I'm not gonna do it.

-We want to hear it.
-Darcy, I just --

I always feel humiliated
when I do that stuff like this.

You're -- You are acting
like the world's

worst casting director
right at this moment.

-I know. Do it.

-[Chanting "Do it"]

-Come on.

-[Cockney accent] ♪ I'm getting
married in the morning ♪

[Normal voice]
See? [Stammering]

I can only do Sterling Holloway,
you know...

[Cockney accent] ♪ Ding dong,
the bells are gonna shine ♪

I can't do it, you know?
But anyway.

-Thank you for trying.

That was really brave.
-Because it sucked. I know.

-It did not totally suck.

-Okay. It was half a suck.
It was a mini suck.

So thank you.

Darla Spears of Kansas City,

thank you for subjecting me
to public ridicule.

Alright.

-What's the one
you're keeping a secret?

-I might tell you later,

but I'm not gonna say that
on the air.

-Okay, I'll just
post it on Twitter.

-Okay, then, I'm not
telling you because,

I mean, fortunately,
the director is so famous

that I'm sure
he's forgotten me by now.

-Wow.
-So I'm happy about that.

-It's that bad, huh?
-That bad. Alright.

Okay. Moving on to our second
movie of summer-camp night

on the "Last Drive-In" --
"Beyond the Door 3."

-Is that a summer-camp movie?

-I'm saying it is because
what summer-camp experience

is complete without some satanic
Yugoslavian railroad gore?

Don't you think?

-Totally agree.
-Okay. And until then,

I'm Joe Bob Briggs,
and she's Darcy the Mail Girl.

And we're reminding you that
you can give people free cake

and there will still be somebody
bitching about the flavor.

-That's true.

-And the drive-in
will never die.

So in keeping with the rural
theme of tonight's movies, um...

...I thought maybe we needed
a farmer's daughter joke

because I haven't told
one of those in a long time.

-I'm sure everyone's pining
for a farmer's daughter joke.

-Yeah, and pining
is a good way to describe it.

So farmer has three daughters

and he guards them
with a shotgun.

And so one Friday night,
he hears a knock at the door

and he answers the door
with his gun in his hand.

There's a young man
in a suit and tie,

and he stands there
with flowers.

And the farmer says,
"What do you want, boy?"

And the guy says,
"Hi, I'm Eddie.

I'm here for Betty.

We're going out for spaghetti.
Is she ready?"

And the farmer laughs
and he says,

"Okay, that was funny."

And Eddie says,
"I rhyme all the time."

And the farmer says,
"Well, come on in.

Betty will be ready
to go really soon."

So later, a little bit later,

there's a second
knock at the door.

And again, the farmer answers
with his gun in his hand,

and another well-dressed man
shows up with flowers.

And the farmer says,
"What do you want, young man?"

And the guy says,
"Hello, my name is Joe.

I'm here for Flo.
I'd like to take her to a show.

May she -- May she go?"

And the farmer laughs
and he says,

"Okay, that was really clever."

Joe says,
"I rhyme all the time."

And the farmer says,
"Well, come on in.

Flo will be ready to go
real soon."

A little bit later, there's
a third knock at the door

and the farmer again
answers the knock with his gun.

Another well-dressed man
shows up with flowers

and the farmer says,
"Okay, what do you want?"

And the guy says,
"Hi, my name is Chuck."

Farmer shoots him dead.

[Laughter]