All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-In.With.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S20E12.Amsterdamned.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

-You know, the great thing
about a Sky Bar

is it's not just one candy bar.

It's four candy bars in one.

And they tell you on the front,
you know, what they are.

Caramel. One is caramel,
one's vanilla, one's peanut,

and one's fudge,
and they're all connected.

But the weird thing
is, when you open it up,

they've tricked you --
it's in reverse order.

It's fudge, peanuts,
vanilla, caramel.

If you hold it like this
and you open it like this,

then you think
you're eating caramel,

but you're actually eating fudge
and you think you're eating..

peanut, but it turns out
to be vanilla.

And, so, it's a -- And, so,
it's also got a surprise in it,

makes it even a better --
a better type of candy.

But either that or something's
wrong with the machine

that, you know,
puts them out.

Well, anyway,
the Goddamn foreigners...

-Wow!
-...are trampling the tulips

in Bollenstreek.
[Laughter]

-Okay.
-Did you hear what I said?

-I heard something.
-The Goddamn tourists

are trampling the tulips
in Bollenstreek.

Bollenstreek is where they grow
the flowers in Holland.

And what I'm talking about
is that Amsterdam

has decided
to stop advertising itself

as a tourist destination and
tell everybody, "Go elsewhere."

Because according
to a local architect

that they interviewed
on CNN,

the tourists are, quote,
"destroying our soul."

And I'm not sure exactly, how do
you destroy the soul of a city?

I sometimes hear people
in New York

say that tourists
are destroying the city,

but what they usually mean
is that billionaires

from Brazil
and Singapore and China

are buying up
all the real estate.

That's not what
they mean in Holland.

In Holland, you know,
that city used to be the live

and let live capital
of hippie tolerance.

And now they've turned all surly

and started banning Airbnb
short-term rentals.

You know, they've cracked down
on who can open souvenir shops.

They're banning organized tours

of the famous
red light district,

and they're discouraging
those cheap weekend flights

from Luton Airport.
You know, Luton Airport,

the cheap-y airport
for London?

Because who the hell cares
about that $91.5 billion a year

that comes into Amsterdam
from visitors?

91.5 bil!

That's the gross
national product

of Slovakia, and Slovakia --

I mean, Slovakia is not
that big a country,

but the official
tourist agency

has started using terms
like "overtourism,"

"visitor overload,"

"nuisance visitors."

And, you know,
they have this complaint

and it's voiced everywhere
from Monte Carlo to Belize

to the Isle of Capri.

"We don't want to turn
into another Venice."

You know?
Too late.

You're sinking into the ocean,
and so is Venice.

So better cash out
while you can.

Have you heard
about this, Darcy?

You know what
I'm talking about?

-I don't believe I have.
-Well, I'm

going to freely rant about it
because our movie tonight

is "Amsterdamned,"

which takes place entirely
within the environs

of the Netherlands'
capital city.

And Darcy the Mail Girl,
ladies and gentlemen,

to here to field your tweets,

your e-mails, your DMs,
your walkie-talkie squawks,

your Instas, your TikToks...

Do we still do TikToks ever
since the United States Congress

said it's a trick by China
to spy on us

and create
an international monopoly

on shuffle dancing.
-We still do TikTok.

-We do TikTok.
-We do.

-Okay. Darcy is fearless.

Anyway, many years ago, I was
a nuisance visitor to Amsterdam.

I was a student
in Copenhagen,

and I would join forces
with my fellow con man roommate.

We'll just call him Steve.
[Laughter]

To convince luxury car
rental agencies

that they needed us
to drive all the vehicles

that were dropped off
in Copenhagen,

but they needed to be moved
to their next customer

several countries away.

So we would just
pack briefcases,

have no idea where we would
be spending the week,

and we would head down
to the office

of this bilious bureaucrat
named Frederick,

and he would haggle with us
over how long it should take

to transport a vehicle
to, say, Barcelona.

You know? We would say,
"Oh, that's a nine-day trip."

And he would say, "No,
that's a four-day trip."

And, so, we would
compromise on six.

And then, he would hand us the
keys and a delivery deadline.

And all we had to do
was pay for the gas

and get the car to
its proper destination on time

while promising
to drive safely.

Because we immediately
cranked it up

to 150 kilometers an hour on
roads that were marked for 80

because we had to make it to
the car ferry at Halsskov

by noon and then get to
the German Autobahn

by late afternoon because we
were on our way to Amsterdam.

Two full days in Amsterdam,
two full days in Paris,

an all-nighter to Saint-Tropez
or Barcelona or Lisbon.

We always took
the car delivery place

that was as far away as
possible,

which is why
it took two of us --

because we're driving
these high speed shifts --

in order to drop off the car
just in time

to get the slow train
back to Denmark

and fake our way through
the Viking archeology exam

on Monday morning
or whatever we were doing.

So the reason I say
we were nuisance visitors

is that, in the heyday of the
all-powerful American dollar,

we never spent more than
$5 a day in Amsterdam.

And I can say
this with certainty

'cause we always
carried the bible

of the American
college student in Europe,

Arthur Frommer's classic book,
"Europe on 5 Dollars a Day."

So we were certainly
undesirable tourists

from an economic point of view

and probably from a social
point of view, as well.

Because even though weed
was illegal,

they had a cultural thing
called [speaks Dutch],

which translates
as "look the other way."

So that meant that hashish
was openly

consumed in various
coffeehouse-type establishments

where the girls
were excessively friendly

towards vagabond Americans.

That wasn't true
of every country in Europe.

So we went to
the red light district

a couple of times
out of curiosity.

It was a little too hardcore
for 19-year-olds,

you know, who didn't have
any older woman issues.

But anyway,
we liked Amsterdam

because it was welcoming
towards Americans

with no money at a time
when Americans were becoming

unpopular in
some other parts of Europe.

But, anyway, let's widen
our perspective a little bit.

KLM Royal Dutch Airlines,

the flag carrier
for the Netherlands,

had been begging people
to come to Amsterdam.

They started begging people
on the day

the Russians took over
the Reichstag in 1945

and ended World War II.

KLM was so aggressive
about Dutch tourism,

they were frequently hauled
before

the International Air
Transport Association

for violations of
kickback rules.

They were paying off
all the travel agents.

There were fare cutting rules,
government subsidies,

unfair trade practices
that made it possible

for people like me to fly
New York-Amsterdam

for 100 bucks and then
pop over to my final destination

with a virtually free KLM flight
within the borders of Europe.

So every time
Americans would squawk

about KLM special privileges,

the Dutch officials
would be very coy

and they would act like,
well,

they're just being
equal to the American airlines

because, of course,
they should be allowed

to fly their planes
direct to New York,

Los Angeles, Chicago,
Washington, and San Francisco,

because Pan American
World Airways,

the United States'
flag carrier,

was allowed to fly
not just to Amsterdam,

but also to Rotterdam, Utrecht,
Eindhoven, and Tilburg.

So, five cities for you,
five cities for us.

So you had the right to fly
an unlimited number of nonstop

New York-to-Tilburg flights
even during the July Funfair.

So KLM was essentially
this elaborate government hoax

subsidized to the gills,

designed for one purpose --
to promote Amsterdam tourism.

And the Netherlands
was essentially

playing that Las Vegas game.

You know, we're not telling you
to come here to be naughty,

but we won't tell
anybody if you are.

And I was never that
much of a druggie,

but I had plenty of friends
who were.

And they were talking
about blends and strains

and all the minutia of both
marijuana and hashish long

before it became
blogging material --

blogging material
for LA hipsters.

Now, where did they get
that deep-dive level

of cannabis info?
Amsterdam.

Where did they go for commercial
sex with Baltic blonds?

Guess.

So, meanwhile, there was
this constant barrage

of Dutch publicity
about the canals,

the flowers, the slow food,
the bicycle culture.

One of the current complaints
is too many bicycles.

Really? In Amsterdam?

What they're saying
is the bicycles are for us,

not for the tourists.
They're basically complaining

that the visitors
are causing bicycle jams.

So the paradise
on Earth narrative,

I mean, it was never
that accurate to begin with.

Amsterdam has all the ills
of any big city.

But by keeping tourism
confined to

a certain picture
postcard area,

they were able
to carry off their story.

And by the way, when people
describe the Dutch character,

they make it sound
like all of them

are starring in a happy
Disney cartoon.

I mean, they fail to mention
that the Dutch ship captains,

as opposed to the English
and the French

and the other and the Spanish,

the Dutch ship captains
were responsible

for some of the worst atrocities

against native populations
anywhere in the world.

These were the guys who wiped
out the Pequots, you know?

So they were violent and nasty.

And at any rate, since
Amsterdam is now so prosperous

that they no longer need
that $91.5 billion,

I would recommend
that tourists seeking thrills

in a cosmopolitan urban center
consider just come over here,

join me in New York.
I wasn't born in New York,

but I've been there long enough
to be a tour guide.

I'll be happy to direct you
to the illegal-but-safe vices,

and nobody will lecture
you about where you choose

to take selfies or ride
a bicycle or use a scooter,

or commandeer a Segway
or rent a car.

New Yorkers know
all about the Dutch

because they ran the city
for about 40 years,

and they were these
insufferable, arrogant,

self-righteous, greedy tyrants.

It took about 15 minutes
for the English

to kick 'em out in 1664,

and since then, everybody
has been able to sing,

dance, and smoke all they want.
Prostitution is still illegal.

You know, you got that
in Amsterdam.

You don't have it here.

But that's because
most of the girls

and the boys
are already friendly here.

So after all, we have an aptly
named "Sex and the City" tour.

But more important,

when the Dutch guy gets off
the 4 train at the wrong stop

or he has trouble finding
his way out of Kennedy Airport,

or he starts to pay too much
for a rip-off boat

that goes to
the Statue of Liberty,

we tend to take pity on him.

We tend to show him
the New York shortcut.

We don't think
there's a limit on hospitality

and we don't think visitors
are soul destroyers.

We can deal with their needs

and take their money
and feel okay with it,

even when they clog up
the sidewalks on 42nd Street.

So we consider them an asset.

They can stay
as long as they want.

99% of us were once tourists
ourselves in New York,

tourists who just
decided to stay.

So, frightening, isn't it?
You know.

Darcy, you live in a major
international tourist area.

You live right there
by Hollywood Boulevard.

Do you resent the tourists
that come there?

-Wow, not at all.

But, dang, that
was a long rant on that.

-That was a long rant.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-You feel strong.
-Of course,

you can't really destroy
Hollywood Boulevard.

-What does that mean?

-Well, I mean,
we all watched "Angel."

We know -- What's
the politically correct term?

It's a transitioning area.

It's been transitioning
for about 50 years now.

-True. But I still kind of
consider myself a tourist,

even though I've lived in LA
for, like, ever now.

So, like, anything touristy
and popular

is going to make me happy.

-And, also, nobody says,
"This is a great city

before it was overrun
by these outsiders."

Because, in LA,
everybody's an outsider, right?

-True.

-The only non-outsiders
are descendants

of the Spanish land barons who
were there in the 18th century.

They were actually from Mexico.

So, yeah, I can see how they --
you know, they might be pissed

by the overlanders
overwhelming them or something.

Or I guess the descendants
of the Catholic monks

who founded the missions
wouldn't like it.

-Monks don't have descendants.
-Well...

they shouldn't, but they do.

We just don't talk about them.

That's why my grandma
was opposed

to genealogical research,
you know.

"You go back far enough,
you're going to find

a horse thief
or a Catholic priest,

so just stay away
from that stuff.

You never know who's been
fornicating in the woodshed."

-Does your grandma
really say that?

-Yes, she did say it.

She said that in church
one time, so...

-Oh, I like her.

-Still smoking unfiltered
Lucky Strikes in her late 80s.

-Oh, go, grandma.

-Anyway, we don't have
that problem in Texas.

Most people who go to the Alamo
don't really remember

why there is an Alamo,
and most tourists never go

anywhere close
to the San Jacinto battlefield,

where we have a ridiculously
tall monument

to the 18-minute battle that
created the Republic of Texas.

Nobody in Texas ever said,

"I wish these hordes
would stop coming here

to admire our stunning natural
beauty and uplifting history

'cause we have no stunning
natural beauty

or uplifting history.

I'm told there are Dallas
tourists, for example.

But the only thing you can say
about the founding of Dallas is,

well, you had Native Americans
to the north and the west.

You had Mexicans to the south.

So it seemed a safe wasteland
to build on

because it was ugly
and landlocked

and nobody would want
to live there

except shotgun-toting
White people.

So, I mean, you can't
put that in a song.

Nobody's going
to sing that song.

Speaking of which, Darcy,

what does the title
of this movie mean?

-It's a cool pun?

-That's the only thing
I can't figure out.

I guess they're saying
that the city is damned.

-Okay.

-Because there's
a serial killer loose.

But that seems like a strange
way to express it.

Anyway, "Amsterdamned,"
coming your way right now,

is an effort by Dutch producer,
director, writer, composer

Dick Maas to become the --

He wanted to be
the Michael Bay of Holland.

Now, the population
of the Netherlands in 1988,

when this movie came out,
was about 15 million people.

So...
that's the metro area of LA.

Holland's population is about

5% of the United States'
population.

So trying to be
the Michael Bay of Holland

is like trying to be
the undefeated quarterback

on a flag football team
in rural Utah.

However, we admire the idea.

We disagree with what
he's called in the genre press.

They call him
the John Carpenter of Holland.

And the reason they call him
the John Carpenter of Holland

is that his first film
was horror, "The Lift."

Do you remember that one?
About the killer elevators.

-Mm-hmm.

-Added to the fact
that he composes his own music

for all his movies,
and not many directors do that.

But he really tended toward
giant action set pieces.

He's an action-oriented
horror director,

and of the four hats
that he wears -- producer,

director, writer, composer --
the weakest one is writer.

You know, I have to say.

He basically
grabs ideas from other movies

and tries to do them better,
which is not --

That's not always
a bad formula,

but Dick Maas takes it
one step further,

and he tries to mash together

every genre in existence
in one movie.

So this is an action rom-com
mystery thriller

police procedural
underwater horror flick.

And there's never
a dull moment.

It's the sensitive story
of a tough

Amsterdam cop trying to solve
a string of killings

apparently carried out
by someone

or something lurking in
the famous canals of the city.

And it has one action
sequence in particular

that would be worthy
of a James Bond flick.

And it's a strangely
beautiful film.

It shows off
all the neighborhoods

that do make
Amsterdam a tourist Mecca

while diving pretty deeply
into the special effects

gore makeup arsenal.

It was a huge hit in Holland.

It remains today
one of the all-time

highest grossing
Dutch flicks.

So let's take a look at those
drive-in totals and get started.

We have...

Drive-in Academy Award
nominations for Huub Stapel

as Eric, the Dirty Harry type

who enjoys disrupting
bakery knife attacks in progress

and stalks random women
with the police computer.

Monique van de Ven as Laura,
the gratuitous love interest

who fills out a wet suit,
if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

And Hidde Maas as
the scuba-literate psychiatrist.

Three stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

So you're the weed expert,
Darcy.

-[Giggles]

What? [Laughs]

-What? Yeah.

What is the difference
between hash and marijuana?

-Marijuana is legal?

-I know, right?
I mean, I just remember

they had more hash
than marijuana in Amsterdam,

and everybody would say, "Hey,
don't worry, it's legal here."

And I found out later
it wasn't legal there!

They just said it was legal.
This is when I was in college.

But it was cheap
and it was plentiful.

And if you were
driving to Spain,

which we often were, you --

you better ditch all of it
before you get to the border,

because they would put you
in prison

for a long time
in Spain for that.

-Were you a hippie?
-I had...

I had the hair.

I never had the lifestyle.

-You had the hippie hair.
-I had hippie hair.

-Oh, I'm finding it
and it's going on social.

-No, it's not.
-Oh, I'm finding it.

-No, you won't find it.
-Oh, it's too late.

I'm finding the hippie hair.

-Darcy, don't cause trouble.
My only point was that I think

the Dutch encouraged you
to think hash was legal

because they got
a lot of tourism from it.

And today they have
a weed museum in Amsterdam.

You would love this.
You can --

You can go in there and sample
weed from around the world.

-Is that true?
-I do my research.

You know what country
was the first country

to legalize weed in all forms in
the world, no exceptions?

-I'm assuming it's not Holland.

-Uruguay.

-Oh. Weird.

-Right? It had no effect
on Uruguayan tourism.

-No, weed in Uruguay.
-Nope.

Montevideo remains free
of nuisance visitors, so...

-Let's go.
-You always say that.

-And I mean it.

-You want to go to every place
on Earth,

but you probably don't want
to go to Montevideo.

-Let's go to every place
that has legal weed.

-All right.
Well, that's Montevideo.

21 American states
have legal weed.

-Let's go.
-The 21 American states?

-Why not.

-Weed tourism?
-Yes, we're doing it.

-Okay.
Well, I guess my point is,

I did that when there was
only one place,

and you weren't born yet.

But I'm more
into whiskey tourism now.

-Like Kentucky?

-No. Like the liquor store
at the end of the block.

-Eh.

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Breathing through
scuba regulator]

[Bubbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Horn honks]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Splash]

♪♪

[Conversation in Chinese]

[Music plays on radio]

[Conversation continues]

[Bubbling]

♪♪

[Breathing through
scuba regulator]

♪♪

[Indistinct arguing]

♪♪

[Man shouts]

[Conversation continues
indistinctly]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Shouting indistinctly]

-Come on, be nice.

I'm shipping out
for the States in the morning.

-No more money, no more pussy.

And don't ask me to go Dutch.

♪♪

[Vehicle approaching]

-Done for the night?

-Just drive.

-I bet you can't wait
to get to your own bed.

[Chuckles]

I love blonds.

Of course,
I'm not particular.

[Chuckles]

Guess there's lots of money
if you're a woman.

But I just like to be sure.

-What's the big idea?
-Let me see your money.

-You'll get paid,
I promise you.

-Yeah, I know.

Only I'd rather
get paid in trade,

if you know what I mean.

-Like you said, it's bedtime.
I'm through having sex.

-Hey, I'm the bad guy.
Come on.

-Drive me to my address.

-Get down there
and work on it.

I'm making it nice
and easy on you.

I don't want your fucking slit.
Just your mou--

Ow!

-[Grunts]

-Stinkin' whore!

♪♪

[Breathing through
scuba regulator]

[Water trickling]

♪♪

-You all right, miss?

-Yeah. It's okay.

♪♪

[Breathing through
scuba regulator]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

-[Gasps]

♪♪

[Breathing through
scuba regulator]

[Splashing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Welcome to Amsterdam.
Willkommen in Amsterdam.

Bienvenue à Amsterdam.

Benvenuto ad Amsterdam.

Amsterdam is the capital
of Holland and world famous

for its many canals.

There are more than 165 canals,

and they have a total length
of more than 25 miles.

They traverse the whole city
and were dug in the 17th century

for the transport of goods
from the harbor

to the merchants' warehouses.

Amsterdam has
750,000 inhabitants

living in some 200,000 houses,

and all those houses
are built on piles.

Amsterdam is built
on roughly 100,000 piles,

so kindly don't
stamp your feet hard

or the town will sink.

[Children shouting]

[Noisemaker blares]

-[Gasps]

[Children screaming]

-[Screams]

[Screaming continues]

-[Sighs]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

Careful. It's loaded.

-Daddy, you have to die.

-That's no toy.
So put it down.

-Bang!

-No smoke, no fire.

-An hour in the bath,

not to mention
how late you got home.

-I'd say that's a poor reason
to shoot your father.

-You had better get moving.
It's a quarter to 9:00.

I'm going to be late for school.

-And it's all my fault.
-You have to drive me, remember?

They stole
my bike yesterday.

-Oh, yeah, that's right.

-And the police do nothing.

[Radio turns on]
This year alone,

do you have any idea of just
how many the crooks stole?

-No idea. Two?

[Phone rings]
Three?

-Hello. The Visser residence.
He's in the john.

I expect that he's masturbating.

Yeah. Eric, telephone for you.

It's headquarters.

♪♪

-Yeah?

[Radio turns off]
Yeah.

Yeah, it's probably
your upbringing.

Anyhow, what's on your mind?

On a bridge?

Yeah, sure. I'm on my way.

-My bike, did they find it?
-No, not yet.

-Naturally, not.

[Radio turns on]
-Ready?

-Hours ago.
-Got all your books?

-Yeah.
Just hurry up, will you?

-Did you feed the cat?

Good morning, Amsterdam.

-Thanks, handsome.
-You're a fresh kid.

♪♪

-[Man speaking Dutch on radio]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bells tolling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Tires squeal]

Shit.

♪♪

-[Grunts]

Ow!

-I phoned.
They arrive any minute.

-And the cake!

You used excessive force
and you ruined my cake!

I used the best
ingredients only.

[Siren wails]

[Door chimes jingle]

-Your keys, sir.

[Horn honking]

-It's about time you showed up,
asshole.

[Engine starts]

[Crowd murmuring]

-Eric.
I thought we should begin.

-I had to stop at the baker's.

Is that her?
-Yeah.

The body
is a bloody mess, though.

Only a maniac
could have done it.

-Identity?
-A hooker.

Potter is checking on her.

I've already seen
to the photographers.

-Was she raped?
-No, it didn't look like it.

The murder took place there.
Blood all over.

She was stabbed.
-And hung from here?

-Yeah. Upside down by her feet.
A bowline knot.

-Hmm. A seaman?

-That's possible.
We'll check it out.

-Good.
Anyone see it?

-Not that we know of,
but I guess she was killed,

let's say between 2:00 and 6:00
in the morning.

They're dragging the canal
for evidence.

-What a fabulous sense of humor
our maniacal killer had.

Like an advertisement.
-Eric.

We got a witness.
-What did she see?

-Would you tell
the gentleman your story

just as we heard it?
Go on.

-It was a monster.
-A monster?

-A big monster.
A huge, fat monster.

I'd be glad to go to hell
if it were any different.

It came out of the water.
-Out of the water?

Did it have a boat?
-Out of the water.

People pay. Whoring's a sin.

-What do you think?

-Hard to say. She's hardly what
you'd call a reliable witness.

-Yeah, but she's the only one
we've got at the moment.

What do you think
she's talking about?

A big black monster
with huge claws.

-I don't know, but I hope your
mother-in-law has an alibi.

-Ah.
-Let's wait for the autopsy.

That's all we can do for now.
-Hmm.

Maybe the investigation
will turn up something.

I put eight men on it.
-Let's hope.

As for now, it doesn't look like
a promotion in the making.

♪♪

[Siren wailing distantly]

Why are you two
sitting in the dark?

-Shh. Willy's trying to contact
his dead aunt.

-Oh, he's at it again, is he?

I thought he was here
to help you with the housework.

-Stop fooling, Dad.

-You're talking.
-Did you make contact?

-My aunt was killed
on a river.

A torrent of words
is like a torrent of water.

I'm not lying, I tell you.
It pollutes the stratosphere.

And that's where they live.

-I think that you're just
a big fake, Willy.

-Can I turn the lights on now?

-Be careful. The spirits
hate electricity, too.

-You're just jealous
of my gift.

-Ha! Some gift.

-Not staying for dinner?
-No. My mom made macaroni.

Night, Mr. Visser.
-Night, Willy.

Say hello to your aunt.
-I will.

See you tomorrow, Anneke.
-Not if I see you first.

-Things at school?

-All right.
Did you buy any peanut butter?

-Nope.
-Why is it you always forget?

-Why don't you do the shopping
from now on?

-There's no jam either.
-Sweetie,

there are more things in life
than jam and peanut butter.

-Yeah, apple strudel.
And you didn't buy that either.

-Here, set the table
for us, huh?

-What's for dinner?
-Brains and broccoli sauce.

-I hate French cooking.

-One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine.

Three meters even.
-Hour -- 3:00.

Three meters even.

[Ship horn blares]

-I have a feeling
we're wasting our time.

Are you sure this
is the right spot?

-We are sitting
precisely over the pipe.

-We aren't having much luck.
It's all clean, the water.

Do you suppose they knew
we were coming?

Not even a turd or a robber?
-Shh.

Not so loud. They'll hear us.

-I bet they shut down the plant.

Solvents.
-I bet, before the night's out,

we'll find all
the evidence we need.

One little leak
and we got them nailed.

-Yeah, that's just what
I'm going to take myself.

-What did I tell you?
Hurry up.

Killing all the fish.
We got him.

-One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine.

-Pull. Haul it up.

-It's stuck.
-I'll give a hand.

[Both grunting]

What could it be?

-Come on.

♪♪

-Jesus. Look at that.

-Let's get the fuck out of here.

♪♪

-There's something weird
going on.

Pull the anchor in.

♪♪

[Splash]

-I hope you filled the tank
like I told you.

♪♪

Hendrik?

♪♪

[Bubbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

Aah!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps, spits, coughs]

♪♪

[Panting]

Hey! Hey.

♪♪

Hey!

♪♪

-Why are you stopping?
-I saw a man.

-Where?
-Right down there by the water.

-I didn't see him.
-Well, I did.

♪♪

-[Sighs]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, the good Samaritan.

-He beat it.
-That weird stuff

that we haul is beginning
to make you act funny.

Next, you'll be
seeing angels flying.

-I guess you were right, Lou.

-Our intrepid detective
is fascinated by the fact

that the dead prostitute
was tied up with a bowline knot,

indicating that it must be
someone

with nautical experience.

Not true. [Chuckles]

You had to learn
to tie a one-handed bowline

in Boy Scout Troop 145,
Little Rock, Arkansas,

or else you couldn't ever
get the coveted

Pioneering Merit Badge,

which also included building
rafts with ropes and logs.

This is a knot you need

when you're hanging off the side
of a cliff like Bugs Bunny

and somebody's going to
hoist you up from above.

You have to hang on to the cliff
with one hand,

like your hand is over here,

and tie the knot one-handed
with the other hand.

So, like this.

And push this thing down
in the middle of it.

And there you go,
the bowline knot.

So, it's -- I don't know.
Too late for me, though.

The next time I'm trapped
on the side of a cliff,

I'm a dead man.
Because I did that too slow.

Anyway, a bunch of the knots
in Boy Scouts

are indeed sailor's knots,
but not necessarily.

So, this is kind of
"Dirty Harry" meets "Jaws"

with Amsterdam tourism
cinematography.

And all those helicopter shots
had to be stolen.

They had to fly much lower than
the law allows

in order to nail
what Dick Maas wanted.

And even though the first kill
is a hooker,

they were not allowed to film

in the famous De Wallen
red light district.

They don't allow cameras
in there

because they think
it might hurt business.

So, anyway, at the time,
this movie

was the most expensive film
ever made in Holland.

And don't be too impressed,
though,

because the budget
was still just $2.2 million,

most of which was put up
by Cannon Films and Vestron.

Now, why would
two American companies

be financing a Dutch filmmaker
shooting in Holland?

Because Dick Maas had burst

onto the international
art house scene

with a 1983 movie
called "The Lift"

about a demonic elevator.

He followed that up
with a couple of Dutch comedies

that did not make it
across the ocean.

But one of those,
called "Flodder,"

broke every box office record

in the history
of the Netherlands,

was seen by 25%
of the Dutch population,

and spawned two sequels
and a TV series.

Huub Stapel, the actor playing
the detective, had also starred

in "The Lift" and "Flodder."

"Flodder" was not --

"Flodder" was sort of
the Dutch "Beverly Hillbillies."

You know, it's the story
of this crude family

that gets relocated
by government decree

to an upper-class neighborhood
and hilarious hijinks ensue.

Stapel didn't do
the TV series, though.

Anyway, Dick Maas was hot,
and he wanted to make movies

for the international market.

He did not want
to make art films,

which is what most
European directors

do once they get noticed.

And so he raised money
from Cannon Films and Vestron

to make this flick
that he guaranteed

would be all action
all the time.

So we'll let you be the judge
of just how successful he was.

This was back in the times
when you could do

low-budget action movies
and people would watch them,

even in the era of $50 million
Hollywood movies

like "Die Hard."

Okay. Back to the movie,
and I'll continue to inform you

if they steal anything else

from the International
Boy Scout members.

So roll it.

Dick Maas actually got his start
doing videos for Golden Earring.

Does anybody remember
Golden Earring?

If you remember 'em,
it's for one song, "Radar Love."

You know that song?

But they were headliners
in the golden age of rock.

I didn't even know they were
Dutch, to tell you the truth.

Because all those European
bands had perfect English.

People always make fun of bands
that only have one hit.

But, damn, "Radar Love."

I think you can retire --
You can do "Radar Love"

and just retire on that,
you know?

"What did you do
to advance civilization?"

"Well, we wrote and performed
fucking 'Radar Love.'

So that's enough.
That gets you into rock heaven."

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Crowd murmuring]

-A worker on the morning shift
found the boat.

-Nobody at the factory
saw anything?

-They had to shut down
last night for maintenance work.

The two night watchman
claimed they saw nothing.

-Hi, Eric.

[Camera shutter clicks]
-What were they doing?

-Apparently, they were
collecting water samples.

-They were the ones
who ended up getting sampled.

-The killer?
Think it's the same?

-Serial murderer?
-Huh.

-Want to see
the autopsy first.

But it's very unlikely
that there'd be more

than one of
this kind of killer.

-I want you, buddy.
Give me that camera.

You don't want to listen?
That's your ass.

-Take it easy.
You don't have to get rough.

-Just give me that camera,
wise guy.

-Hey, come on.
Don't break it.

-You try it again, and I'll ram
that lens down your throat.

-Look who it is.
Holland's Sean Penn.

-I don't like
to be photographed.

Hello, Eric.
-John.

It's a long time.
-13 years, Eric.

-Oh, Eric, this is
John van Meegeren

of the River Police.
-I've met him.

Come to assist us?
You got a big rep.

-They thought
you might need help.

We're good at getting stiffs
out of the water.

-Come here. Look at this.

-The years haven't changed you.

-You're right.

-You're still prettier
than I am.

-Are you still angry with me?

-It hurts when someone
runs off with your girl.

-I found it out, too.

-The grapevine said
that she dumped on you.

-Yeah, John, you heard right.
An English artist.

They were living in London
last I heard.

Left me with my daughter.
She visits her at Christmas.

-It's water under
both our bridges,

but don't do that again.
-No intention.

Your guys found anything yet?

-Not yet.
We are combing the bottom.

The channel down there
is so murky,

it makes searching
difficult.

-John! John!

-They've got something.

-What is it?

-Depth meter.
Standard equipment for a diver.

-Are we dealing with a diver?

-We can't tell that
at this stage.

I want this analyzed.
Bring it to the lab.

I want to know how long
it's been down there

and where it comes from.
-Okay.

-A psycho killer in Amsterdam's
famed canals.

-That's not gonna enhance
our good reputation.

-We're looking forward
to quite a summer.

-A diver, as a theory,
isn't that a bit extravagant?

-Unless it's a monster
from Loch Ness,

it seems to me that it's
the safest bet at the moment.

-But you don't have
a single witness.

No one's seen
or heard a thing.

-That's right. The canals are
an ideal place in which to hide.

You can go all around
the city incognito.

-[Scoffs]
What do you think, John?

-Those two were taken
in total surprise last night,

and surprised, no one
could survive that.

It was a diver.

-Some fruitcake
with a bizarre hobby.

How about you, man?
You good enough?

-For the moment.
-Keep me posted.

And if you need anything,
let me know.

I trust that you two rivals
will get along.

-Here's a list of all
the registered divers

in the Netherlands.
-Great.

-That's 8,000 suspects.

-And that includes you, my son.
-I have an alibi.

-I have here the taxi
driver's statement.

-And what's his story?

-He picked her up around 2:30,
quarter of 3:00.

He said she made
sexual advances to him,

and he said no
and threw her out of the car.

That's the last he saw her.
-He probably put a move on her.

-For the rest of the night,
a watertight alibi.

-I'll bet he has.

[Phone ringing]

Hello? Yeah.

Come on, tell me.

Yeah. Yeah.
I'll get back to you.

Tiny piece of black rubber

was found in one
of the anchor prongs.

The lab analyzed it.
-From a wet suit?

-Yeah, we're on the right track.
Has Potter traced that line?

-What line?

-The rope he used to hang her
over the canal.

-All the factories
are being checked

and all the stores and other
outlets are being traced.

-How good it does make me feel

to see everybody's
earning their keep.

It's noon.
-Lunch?

-Lots of red meat.

-16 stab wounds, of which
at least eight were fatal.

It was such a mess internally
that some organs

were almost
completely displaced.

Broken neck, two broken ribs,
splintered nose bone,

water in the lungs.
Her eyes were already fish food.

I've never seen
anything like it.

-The murder weapon?
-Sharp knife.

Look, here's the point.

In the force of the attack,
it was broken.

Probably a carving knife
with a blade between

20 and 30 centimeters.

-Stomach contents?
-Matter of grisly factor

was wine
and an undigested hamburger.

Top quality beef.

-Was she dead before
he tossed her in, Sam?

-She should have been.

The fact is, the lungs
contained a lot of water.

She was alive
when she entered the water.

Fortunately for her,
she was dead

when she was hung
from the bridge.

So much for the little lady.

And now to
our fisherman friends.

He really did a job
on these guys.

I shall spare you
the finer details, gentlemen.

One of them
was decapitated.

Evidently,
that took place underwater.

Both had partaken
of a vegetarian repast.

Lentils, carrots,
the usual slop.

They even had a little tofu
for dessert.

He used a similar instrument,
but the knife was another type.

One important difference
is it had a serrated edge.

It's not unusual,
in my experience.

The kind carried by --
-By a diver.

-Exactly.
-Explain.

-Carry it in case of emergency
so he can cut himself loose

should he get into
trouble on the water.

-Right. Only, in this case,
three innocents ended up dead.

-Now that we know what to look
for, how do we nab this guy?

-You tell me.
You got the rep.

-All that we know
about the guy is he's strong,

wears a black wet suit,

and that he is missing
his depth meter.

Not much evidence
to go on, Eric.

-You can say that again.
-8,000 registered divers.

There's got to be
at least another 10,000

in the sporting clubs.

-In my opinion,
we concentrate on Amsterdam.

Our murderer certainly knows
the canals in the city.

-More coffee here?
-Hmm, yeah.

-That murdered quizmaster,
pretty neat.

You didn't have much to go on.

-It piqued your interest?
-And all the headlines.

-We had nothing.

Needless to say, a check was
run on all the candidates

who had never won a pot to piss
in or a window to throw it out.

It took us nine weeks
to catch the guy.

-Yeah, but in the end,
how did you collar him?

-A bit of patience. Intuition.
And luck.

Lots of luck.

-You've always been a lucky guy.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Can I help you?
-Just looking around.

-You're not interested
in joining?

-I'm an investigator.
-Still another cop.

I've been barked by you
since early morning.

-All in the course
of duty, sir.

What are your duties here?
-I'm the manager here.

Just what are you looking for?
Why are you picking on us?

-You're the largest diving club
in Amsterdam.

-In the Netherlands.
And the best.

-I'd like to take
a little look around.

-Huh.
-Is it okay I do that?

-Guess you're invited.

The diving gear
is stored in here.

Our members can make
free use of it.

-How many members are there?
-More than 1,400.

-Are they trustworthy?
-Trustworthy?

-Do they return everything
that you lend out?

-There hasn't been
any problem with it.

You don't think it was
one of our club members

that murdered them?
-Are they pillars of society?

-Our clients rank high
in the community.

No reason they should want
to swim in the canals.

They're filthy.
It makes no sense.

You can't hardly see
past your nose in that gunk.

No. We organize excursions
to the sea and trips abroad.

Sunken wrecks
and diving on coral reefs,

that's our kind of sport.

Why would anyone want to go
diving in them filthy canals?

-Lots of weapons here.

-License for it.

They're an absolute
must for every diver.

Be careful. It's very sharp.

-I'm aware.

And this?

What do you use this for?

-That's for sports fishing.

-Shark.

If they get too near,
it's self protection.

Now, if you'll excuse it.

-I love to see people
earning their keep.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Ah.

-You're all wet.

-Hello.

-Can I help?

-Yeah.

It's fine in the water,
but it weighs a ton on dry land.

Are you a devotee?

-No, not yet.
-Oh.

-Been at it long?
-A couple of weeks.

I need a lot more practice
before I get good at it.

-What made you start?

-An enthusiastic friend.
Like to try it?

-I might.
-Hi, Laura.

-Hi.
-I found your first suspect.

He's with the police,
so watch what you say.

-Someone not paid
their parking fine?

-I wish it were the problem.

-Really?
-We're investigating a murder.

-Oh. Serious work.

-Could you consider a drink?

-Sure. I'd like a drink,
but I'll be a little while.

-I'll wait for you.
-Okay. See you in the canteen.

[Jazz playing]

-I thought cops never drank
when they were on duty.

-I've never been very dutiful.

-Have you made any progress?

-I've made a few advances.

-Hi, Martin.
-Martin.

Good to see you.
How are things?

-Going along.

-Lieutenant Visser
of the Amsterdam Police.

-Martin Ruysdael.
-My pleasure.

-They're looking into
the canal murders.

-Yes, I've been seeing it on TV.

It's so difficult to fathom why
things like that still happen.

-What'll you have?
-A bourbon.

Have you any idea
who the maniac is?

-No, but we're patient.
I suppose that you're a member.

-Not anymore. Not for years.

Used to be on the committee.

But then, I got too busy
in my practice.

-You'd be a...
-Doctor. Psychiatrist.

-Here you are, Martin.
-Thanks.

Time is a problem.

I don't think I've worn a wet
suit in the last three years.

Have you ever done it?
-No, never.

-I recommend it.
It invigorates the mind.

Fishing the southern waters,

the coral reefs
and all the flora.

Opportunity arises.
Boy, just do it.

-It sounds great.

-Martin, you're early.

-Hi.
-Oh. Have you two met?

-The friend who
introduced you to diving?

-Mm-hmm.
-Talking about me?

-Policemen are so inquisitive.
But mum was the word.

-[Chuckles]
-Possibly another time, huh?

-You're going to leave?
I have tickets to a concert.

-Another time, then?

-We'll see.
-Shall we go?

-Yeah.

[Jazz continues]

[Door closes]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Singing in Spanish]

♪♪

Baa! Baa!

Then luckily.

-Won't you contribute
to help us

carry out
the Lord's works here?

-Right up my skirt.

Over there.

♪♪

You're married?
-No.

-There you are.

♪♪

-Yeah.

-[Singing continues]

♪♪

-Thank you.

-Steady. What's the rush?

-Pardon. Sorry.

-His eye is on the sparrow,
right?

-Well said. Hallelujah.

-Wow, she has a figure
that'd stop traffic.

-Shit.

[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

-Joe, we're rich.
-Ha!

♪♪

-Okay, so even though we're
kind of by-the-numbers here

with a very long setup
and victim after victim

being killed in ways
that are not that interesting,

although I have to credit Maas
for that opening body

when the hooker
hangs off the bridge

and drips blood on the
Cub Scouts and the tour boat,

even though we're not
seeing much originality,

Huub Stapel as Eric
is just so likable

that we're kind
of going with it, you know?

The movie is actually
based on a real-life event.

On September the 2nd, 1985,

a drug lord named Klaas Bruinsma
used the Amsterdam canals

to get two of his underlings
out of a prison.

His men hid two ladders
in the water outside the prison,

and then a frog man
came up out of the canal

and he used one of the ladders
to climb the outer wall,

and he dropped the second ladder
down into the prison yard

Bruinsma --
Bruinsma's men could use it.

And then the three of them
cleared the wall,

jumped into a waiting BMW,
drove to the Amstel River

and took off in a speedboat
that was later found abandoned.

So this is what inspired
Dick Maas to make a movie

about a frogman killer
roaming the canals.

And Maas is a big admirer
of American movies,

which may explain why he's never
able to get any funding

from the Dutch government.

It's really hard
to make a movie in Holland

without government funding.

But, for example, he admits
that his hit movie "The Lift"

was inspired by the Stephen King
story "The Mangler."

And he also admits that he
copied the structure of "Jaws"

for this movie, even though
he didn't copy it very well.

That cute meet on the wharf

where a diver
comes up out of the water,

takes off the scuba mask,
revealing her femaleness --

That's Monique Van de Ven,
a very well-known Dutch actress

with ties to both of the
most famous Dutch directors.

Her film debut was in

Paul Verhoeven's
"Turkish Delight,"

and she was married
for 15 years to Jan de Bont

while he was still
a cinematographer

and he had not yet
started directing.

So as soon as
she appears on screen,

any European audience knows
that she is the female lead.

So, all right,
after I talked about

Golden Earring at the last break

and I called him
a one-hit wonder,

we got some pushback.

I looked it up.

They had another hit

called "Twilight Zone,"

and a third hit called
"When the Lady Smiles."

I don't think I know
either one of those songs,

but they've recorded
25 studio albums.

So apologies to all
Golden Earring fans,

especially since this
is very sad --

Golden Earring
had to disband in 2021

because the lead guitarist
got Lou Gehrig's disease.

And then I also realized

this is the 50th anniversary
of "Radar Love."

You know, I never knew I was
the fan of a Dutch rock band.

Okay, let's get back
to the movie,

the ambitious Dick Maas
action thriller "Amsterdamned."

♪♪

I don't really think the pun
on "Amsterdam" works, you know?

"Amsterdamned" doesn't really
describe a serial killer

scuba diving in the canals.

I mean, because who's damned?

You know, there's
no religious theme here.

The killer?
Is the killer damned?

Is the detective damned?

Are the victims damned?
Is Amsterdam itself damned?

It sounds like a title
they thought up

when they were drunk, you know?

"Hey, I got it.
Amsterdamned. Get it?

We take the name 'Amsterdam,'

but we turn it
into something creepy

by adding the D."

And everybody goes,
"That is so cool,"

because they're drunk.

[Laughter]

♪♪

-Two flags. The red
is where she disappeared

and the yellow was
where she was found.

-Why did he drag her all
through the canals, I wonder?

-Maybe he was
teaching her to swim.

The man seems to like
playing with his victims.

-Okay, guys, we know
who the victim is,

when and where it happened,
but that's all we know.

Nobody saw anything.
-Anything on the rope?

-No, they're still checking.
Eric.

-Piece of rubber?
-Standard wet suit.

-Info on the blade point?

-The blades are sold all over.
-Depth meter?

-We're still checking.

-What about patrol boats?

-I'd say we're lucky
if we get two.

They're short of men, they say.

-Two patrol boats?
It's better than nothing.

-Eric, what about talking
to a psychiatrist?

-I'm ahead of you.
I've already done that.

[Phone rings]

-Visser.

Yes, sir.

Right away.

[Receiver thuds]

I'm not the only one
who's frustrated.

-All I know is that something's
got to be done.

You don't have to answer
to City Hall.

Four four in four days.

I'm ready
to offer a personal reward.

-Each lead is checked thoroughly
as it comes in.

What else can we do?

-And still no witnesses?

-Bag lady is the only one.

Maybe a few fish.

-I just got a phone call
from the mayor himself.

He asked if it was safe
to take some --

some VIP visitors
on a canal boat.

-What did you say?

-Told him they shouldn't
dangle their feet in the water.

-[Chuckles]

-I know how you feel, Eric.
You feel powerless.

All you can do is wait --

wait for the right tip,
the big clue.

But it's not enough.
Something has got to be done.

Otherwise, what do we do?
Close off the canals?

Might as well forget Amsterdam.

-That's the safest idea.

Drastic, but safe.

-Hey, Eric. You look glum.
-Any reason not to?

-Sure. The lab boys
analyzed the depth gauge.

-Oh?

-They're pretty sure
it hadn't been down there

for more than three days.

-That means
it's the murderer's, then.

-I concur with that deduction.

Also, there was a heavy
salt deposit on it.

-Eh? Which means?

-Only that, for one thing,

we can rule out each
and every freshwater diver.

We're now looking for divers
who worked on, okay,

oil rigs or in --
or in seagoing towage.

So we need to know
just what kind of water

the depth meter was used in,
then we're halfway home.

-And the depth meter
can tell you that?

-They just got to analyze
the sediment in the meter.

They're at work now.
-Huh. You mean there's progress?

-Where are you going?

-Potter knows where to reach me.
I got a date with a work of art.

-And now we come to the most
famous painting

of the 17th century

and the highlight of the tour
of our museum.

It's "The Night Watch"
painted by Rembrandt.

It was painted
between 1639 and 1642,

and it shows us how Rembrandt
succeeded in solving the problem

of assembling people
in action into a group.

And the long, mainly diagonal
lines of the weapons suggest

a three-dimensional space.

This masterpiece brings us
to the end of our tour.

I thank you for your attention.

-You not take us further?

-I'm sorry, sir,
but the tour stops here.

-But...
-Thank you all very kindly.

So do you like art?

-I'm a sucker for beauty.

-How did you find me?

-I'm a detective,
you may recall.

-As I understood it,
you were on a case.

-I'm playing hooky today.

Will you have dinner
with me tonight,

or are you going
to another concert?

-That's no way
to ask for a date.

-I've already reserved
a table for two,

so if you say no, I'll just have
to ask someone else, I guess.

-You don't waste a lot
of time, do you?

-I try not to.

-Okay. Pick me up at home.

6:00.
-Where do you live?

-I thought you were a detective.

-I want to reserve a table.

For this evening.

We'll be two.

[Birds calling]

♪♪

-Thank you.

[Piano playing in background]

♪♪

-What a pretty place.

You have good taste
in restaurants.

-I may have a dirty job,
but I still like to eat well.

-How about your daughter?
She doesn't mind staying alone?

-No, she's used
to my irregular hours by now.

She can take
good care of herself.

-I must hand it to her,
a girl that young.

-I'd be lost
in a desk job, Laura.

Normal routine
and normal people.

-Yeah, you'd not be the type
for a regular life.

-I'm just your basic cop,
I guess.

♪♪

And now let's hear your story.

-There's nothing to tell.

-Well, there's work, life,
the men in your life.

-I think you know all
about that, detective.

-Very young when you married,

lived abroad
for a couple of years.

Last year and a half,
you've worked at the museum.

-That's amazing.
You've done a job on me.

-Our people play
the Interpol computer.

You put your money in the slot,

if it's a jackpot,
it tells you everything.

-Everything?

-Computer arrogance.

About certain social areas,
it knows nothing.

-Discreet computer.

♪♪

-And my shrink competitor?

-You mean Martin?
No, he's just a friend.

I've been in therapy with him
for six months.

When I lost my husband,
I went into a tailspin.

Someone suggested Martin.

Aside from the therapy,
once in a while,

we'd go out to dinner
or to a concert.

We're just friends, really.

-Did he get you
to take up diving?

-He said it'd be
a good way to relax.

You're acting like a detective.

-Martin doesn't dive anymore?

-Not since a childhood friend
was very seriously hurt

in an accident.
-What sort of accident?

-Something to do with diving,
but he never told me the story.

-He told me the reason
was he was too busy practicing.

-The practice gets into it, too.

Let's change the subject.

-All right, my lady.
How about sex?

♪♪

-Will this do?
-Where'd you get it?

-Where else?
For my father's service pistol.

-I wanted something
that belonged to the killer.

-Like what, for example?
His portrait?

-It's a very fine line.
-Not up to it?

-All right, gimme it.

-Fine line?

-Hand me the lousy bullet.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey. Hey, stop. It's scary.

♪♪

-He's there.

♪♪

♪♪

-Are you sure he's here?

-Want to go back?

-No.

-He's here.

-What do we do?
-What do you mean?

-I mean, if we see him?
-We nail the guy.

-But he's dangerous, Willy.
He's got that weapon.

-Anneke, this was your idea.
You said you wanted to help.

No reason to be afraid.
I do judo.

[Splashing]
-[Gasps]

-What was that?
-It was just a rat.

-There are rats here?

-Might have been the murderer.
-Think so?

-I'll be right back.
Wait right here.

-Where are you going?
-To investigate.

Wait there.
-You're going empty handed?

-Mm-hmm.

♪♪

[Clattering]

-Willy?

Willy? Are you all right?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Willy?

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

Dirty, rotten, stinking louse!

-I was fooling.
-Really?

Well, then you can
consider this just a joke, too.

-Help me out!

You happy now, Willy?

That's my sense of humor.

Anneke, he's around here.
Get me out.

-But you're a judo champ.

-You've got to get me out!
-Okay. Here you go.

-Hey!
-But first,

I want you to swear in your own,
you'll do all my homework.

-Promise!
-Including the French, okay?

-Including French.

Some friend.

-What are you moaning about?

If you were really psychic,

you would have known that I was
going to push into the water.

You're just a fraud.

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

-I hope you can
get the stain out.

-Just a bit of wine.
I had a great evening.

Night.

-Will you stay away
from the canals?

-Will you be worried?

-I want to see you again.

-Call me.

Night.
-Night.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Police radio chatter]

-Okay. You've got me. I give up.

I'm the murderer
you've been looking for.

Turning myself in!

-You can be sure
you'll get the gallows.

-I'm prepared to pay.

-Have you a last wish?

-Mm. Cup of coffee?

[Polka music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Ducks quack]

-Hey, paddle back in.
We've got to get going.

-Can't you go alone?

-But they're expecting
the two of us.

You know how Mother gets
when we're late.

-Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

-[Breathing through
scuba regulator]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Screams]

-Ooh, did he cut her where
I think he cut her?

Nasty.

You know that scene
where Eric stalks the girl

to her job
as a guide at the museum,

because apparently Eric uses
the Interpol database

as a dating app?

That scene was shot
at the actual Rijksmuseum,

and that painting is the actual
"Night Watch" by Rembrandt,

the most famous
painting in Holland.

And that scene where she shoos
away the Japanese tourists

so she can flirt with Eric,

that comes immediately
after the Jaws rip-off scene

where the police chief is
getting pressure from the mayor

because
"four killings in four days,"

"we might have to close
the canals

and if we close the canals,

we might as well evacuate
all of Amsterdam."

How do you close a canal?

[Laughter]

You know,
what does that even mean?

This movie has many fans.

It was a huge success in Europe,

and some critics
are crazy about it.

Some of them go so far
as to say it's a Dutch version

of an Italian giallo film.

No, it is not!

Giallos are puzzles.

They give you an enormous
number of clues

so that you can figure out
who the killer is,

although you probably
will not figure it out.

A giallo like
"Deep Red" or "Torso"

is incredibly intricate.

You're never sure exactly
what's going on.

In this movie,

you're not only aware
of what's going on,

you can predict
what's going to happen next.

It's not a Dutch giallo.

It's a Dutch "Columbo" episode.
It's really not even that.

It's just a series
of set pieces, a thrill ride.

All right, let's get back.

Oh, yeah, I should mention,

Dick Maas implies that
the little friend of

Anneke, the amateur psychic,

is about to be killed
by the canal-dwelling maniac,

but then she sort of easily
pulls him back to safety.

But the only person
who really does know

where the killer is
is a comedy relief character.

Okay, back to the movie.

Roll it.

♪♪

"The Night Watch."

They have these
things in every city.

You got to go there.
You got to go there.

"The Night Watch."

It's just a picture
of some musketeers, right?

[Laughter]

Arquebusiersis what
they call them in Europe.

Did I say that right?

It's the guys who had
the first gun, you know.

Was it the first gun?

Actually, I think it was
the first handgun,

although it was more like
a shotgun than a handgun.

But I guess it's the first gun
with a trigger.

That's what it was.

And yet when they make movies
about the arquebusiers,

what do they have them doing?

Sword fights.

All right,
when you think musketeer,

what do you think?

Swords, right?

Even though "musket"
is in the name.

It means a guy
who carries a musket.

Must be a Dutch thing.

♪♪

♪♪

-He's expecting me.

-Ah, yes, the chief.

I was just telling
the commissioner

and the district attorney
that I'm not at all happy

with the conduct and pace
of this investigation.

We've got a serial murderer
in the canals of Amsterdam.

Is this murderer going
to be apprehended, arrested?

Or is he another attraction
for tourists this summer

along with
the windmills and tulips?

-I appreciate your concern,

and I assure you that
the police department is doing

all that it can to bring
this killer to justice, sir.

-So we hope.

I'm sorry. The situation is
much too serious for sarcasm.

I love this city.

Admittedly, its reputation
hasn't always been spotless,

but over the years,
we have managed

to clean up our image
considerably.

Now you see some F-ing whore
swinging over the canal.

Look at the papers.

The foreign press
is headlining it, too.

Amsterdam's good reputation
is heading down the hole,

and both the council
and the police

are becoming targets in
a smear campaign.

There is a lot of folks
out there who,

if they had it
to do over again,

wouldn't elect me.

No matter what it takes,
I want that killer caught.

-Every man that I can spare
is on the case.

Time is needed.
-I cannot let this continue.

I think Visser
will have to be replaced.

-Oh, no, sir. Eric Visser
is one of our best men.

-I know you have
quite a reputation

assigning the right man
to the right task.

You had quite a few of your
own ideas, though, Commissioner.

-Yes. Eric Visser has
a very good reputation.

He's excellent, I know,

but considering
the lack of results so far,

I've been thinking seriously,

well, that we should find
another man to handle the case.

I guess I feel
that's the way to go.

-Do you have other candidates
in your talent pool?

-There has got to be many
that could take it over,

in my opinion.

-Choose one of them.

-I feel you're looking
for a scapegoat, gentlemen.

The fact is, Eric is
the best one for the job,

and that's the long
and the short of it.

-Don't you think that
an injection, a new blood --

-I have full confidence in Eric,
and I'm not replacing him,

and that's final.

-Good that you're right,

and your office
is on the line.

You've had your say, Chief.

I like your loyalty,

but your boy has got
just three days

to track down that murderer.

-If he blows it,
your head's gonna roll, too.

-He won't.

I hope.

[Birds chirping]

-How have you been
feeling lately?

-Not bad.

-No bouts of depression?
-No.

-Still sleeping well?
-Yes.

And you?
-Why do you ask?

-I want to know something
about you, for a change.

-I'm the psychiatrist.

-If I keep on improving,

perhaps you'll lose me
as a client.

-And is that what you want?
-No.

-I still like talking things
over every week.

I still need it.

-Are you going?

-It's the lying down.

-It relaxes you.

-Have you a cigarette?

-Why won't you tell me?

-What?

-About your affair
with the policeman?

-I'm not ready to begin
an affair.

-Eric Visser is a friend?

-He took me to dinner.
-You enjoyed his company?

-Yeah. It was nice.
He's a lot of fun.

-Did you have any questions
about me personally?

-I don't remember.
It was just small talk, mostly.

-More fishing?

-He finds me attractive.

-And you?

-It's mutual.

-Could you be falling in love?

-Could you be
a little jealous?

-I'm pleased that you're happy.

And maybe I am a little upset,
a little jealous.

-I tell you, this is nuts.

A hell of a way
to spend a night.

Cigarette?
-No, thanks.

-It's a waste of overtime.

Patrolling won't help.

Can't wait for retirement.
[Thump]

-Quiet!
-What?

I heard a sound.

Kill the engine.
-Ahh.

[Engine stops]

Probably just
a piece of driftwood.

Relax. You are a bundle
of nerves.

-Relax, with
five people murdered?

-Yeah, and we are going to be
number six and seven.

[Quiet splashing]

-Wait!
-What now?

Aren't you overdoing it a bit?

-Look out!

-The mighty hunter.

♪♪

-How sure are we?

-Sure enough
to ask me a few questions.

-Fill me in.
-He worked for 12 years

on an oil rig in the North Sea,
got fired two months ago.

He got fired for drinking.
Couldn't hold his liquor.

Worked some guy over
with a broken bottle.

-Cute.

♪♪

♪♪

[Siren wails]

-The rope matches the kind
that he was working with.

-And the depth meter fits, too.

I mean, those oil traces in it.
-And the wet suit.

-Who gave us the tip?
-An ex-workmate of his.

He ran into him last week and
thought he was acting strangely,

said he was talking about
getting even with someone.

-This could end up
being the break

that we've been looking for
from the start.

♪♪

♪♪

-Where is he?
-In that hotel there.

Second floor, front.

-Is he in there now?
-Don't know for sure.

The guy went in there
about an hour ago.

Since then, we haven't seen him.

-Hello, Letterman, Johann.

See anything?
-No sign of the guy so far.

-The hotel is surrounded.
-We got to bust our way in.

-Gee, it'd be real rough
if he got away.

-That's what I'm thinking.
You wait here.

Come on.
-I'll miss all the fun.

♪♪

-Hey, what do you think
you're doing?

-Police.

Shh.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Gone.

♪♪

-Eric!

[Motorcycle revs]

♪♪

-Taxi?

[Siren wails]

-[Indistinct shouting]

-We're still on his tail.
Any assistance about?

-Message received.
We're on our way.

[Tires squeal]

[Horses whinny]

[Siren wails]

[Siren wails]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Stop!

[Tires squeal]

-How about joining us down here?

-Okay, better-than-average
action sequence.

When they were shooting
the movie, it was

such a big deal in Amsterdam

that all the various divisions
of the Amsterdam police

wanted to be represented
in the film,

including the mounted police.

And so you'll notice
in what may be a film first,

two mounted cops are used to
roadblock a speeding motorcycle.

And we had that great shot
of the horses

rearing back on their hind legs.

The only problem is,
police horses are trained

notto rear up
on their hind legs,

so they had to import
stunt horses from England,

which was not a problem,
because the stunt coordinator

was a guy named Dickey Beer,
who, he was Dutch,

but he worked
almost exclusively in England.

And in fact, action movies

were so foreign
to the Dutch film industry

that all stunt men
were brought in from England,

because they had
more experience at things like

dangling from a drawbridge.

It's interesting to me
that Dick Maas,

when he made this movie,

was so hot he could write
his own ticket,

and this is what
he chooses to make.

I mean, I don't dislike it.

It's got a lot of kills in it,
2 or 3 outstanding chase scenes,

but do you really remember
this stuff after it's over?

Actually, what you remember
is Amsterdam itself.

It's kind of a tourist
brochure for Amsterdam.

The house of the psychiatrist,

which is one of those
beautiful Dutch houses

that look like they could go
on a postcard

if they don't fall down first.

You know,
they look a little flimsy.

That's the suburb of Heemstede,

which is where
Dick Maas was born.

It's right next to Haarlem.

Haarlem is the famous suburb,

like,
Haarlem is like Beverly Hills,

and then Heemstede
is West Hollywood.

Anyway, Dick Maas
is still working today,

writing, directing,
composing, producing.

Most Dutch directors
of his stature,

once they get a little
box office success,

they make a beeline
for Hollywood,

like Paul Verhoeven,
Jan de Bont.

And Dick Maas had his chances.

He got approached to make
a Jean-Claude Van Damme

film in America, but he declined

because he said
he was too busy in Holland.

He was offered a sequel
to "Nightmare on Elm Street."

He could have directed
"Part Four,"

but that job went
to Renny Harlin.

And the reason
he turned that one down

is he wanted to make
"Amsterdamned."

So "Nightmare on Elm Street 4:
The Dream Master"

is not the most
popular entry in that franchise,

but Maas probably
would have done that well,

since it was the beginning
of the period

where they did elaborate kills
and got goofy with Freddy.

It became all about technique,

and Dick Maas is all
about technique.

Anyway, Dick Maas has made
a couple dozen movies,

"Silent Witness" with
William Hurt and Jennifer Tilly.

"The Shaft,"
which was a big-budget remake

of his breakthrough movie
"The Lift"

with Naomi Watts,
James Marshall,

Michael Ironside, Ron Perlman.

His goriest movies
probably "Prey" in 2016,

about a giant lion
terrorizing Amsterdam.

Guess he likes stories about
anything terrorizing Amsterdam.

And right about now,
we're about to find out

just why he is thought of
as the Michael Bay of Holland,

because this one scene
may be reason enough

to watch the whole movie.

Roll it.

Why does everybody want to be
a writer-director?

There are thousands
of great directors.

There are hundreds
of great writers,

and about seven people
who are great at both.

I mean, do one or the other.
Collaborate.

Film is a team effort.

Do you ever wonder
why Alfred Hitchcock

never mentioned his writers
whenever he gave interviews?

Because he couldn't write.

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

-Okay,
you can refuse to answer,

but it's not going to help you.

Your ass is nailed
to the wall, buddy.

-I'm not a murderer, I told you!

-Yeah? Let's hear you talk.

-Go stuff it.

-Innocent people,
they don't fear us.

Guilty people run.
You're the murderer.

That's right, isn't it?

You might as well confess,

because we'll get it
out of you sooner or later.

I want a lawyer.
-You better listen to me.

I'm going to put you
in prison for life.

Five innocent people are dead,
and you were their butcher!

Your turn.

-So,

have you any plans for dinner?

-Congratulations.
-For what?

-Eric, you're too modest.

The mayor sends
hiscongratulations.

He's quite relieved.
-And a little premature.

-Why? You have the guy.

I felt that the mayor
should be the first one

to hear the good news.

-It's just
too early in the game.

The man swears murder
isn't his style.

-Ah, don't worry.

All the evidence
points to the guy.

The problem with you
is you're a pessimist.

-Yuck.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Doorbell rings]

[Doorbell rings]

-Eric?
-Hi.

May I please come in?

-You know what time it is?

-It's late. Were you asleep?

-So should all good cops be.
-Sorry.

-Okay.

-I wanted to see you.
-Yeah?

-If I were you,
I'd throw me out.

-Cigarette?
-No, thanks.

-A drink?
-Uh, no.

-Something to eat?

-Not hungry.

-You've got someone
under arrest.

Big story on the news.
-I'll bet.

-You're not exactly elated.

-I don't think we got
the right one.

-What will you do?

-Wait.

Wait.

-Is there anything I can do?

[Both moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Breathing through
scuba regulator]

[Opera singing in distance]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Take a piss...

♪♪

That feels good. Ahh.

♪♪

♪♪

That's better.

♪♪

Hey, now what?

Storm must have knocked out
the power.

♪♪

Here we go.

A little light on the subject.

♪♪

♪♪

Huh? Now what?

No rest. No rest for the weary.

[Rain pattering]

♪♪

The fuck is out there?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

There.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Jesus.

♪♪

Help!

♪♪

Help!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Police!

Better come quickly.
There's a boat in trouble.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Any sign of Eric?
-No. I don't know where he is.

He didn't go home last night.
-Sometimes you get lucky.

-I think you're making
a mistake going alone.

-You really think there's more
than one murderer around?

-The man that's under arrest,

we're not certain
that he is the murderer.

-I'm not going
to futz around here.

Sure this is the spot?
-Oh, yeah, John. No question.

This is where it sank.

-Good.

We'll soon know
how it happened.

♪♪

♪♪

-How will you know he's okay?
-He'll tug on the line.

One tug means he's okay.
Five tugs, he's in trouble.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

He's inside the boat.

-How can you tell?
-The bubbles.

-What do you mean?

-The bubbles are
no longer there,

so he's inside the boat.

-Oh, right. Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Intense music plays]

-[Muffled scream]

♪♪

-Look there.
-Right.

♪♪

He's all right.

-[Muffled scream]

♪♪

♪♪

[Groans]

-Is that normal?

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

-Oliver!

♪♪

He's stuck fast!

♪♪

♪♪

-[Straining]

♪♪

Abort!

-It's too late. He's had it!
-Put him up, dammit!

♪♪

There. Look there!

Those bubbles.

It's him!

Follow the bubbles. It's him!

[Engine starts]

♪♪

♪♪

-621.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-We got our man, Vermeer.

-You're sure?
-Yeah.

Straight for the loch,
he's going.

It's a dead end.

Once he's in,
all we got to do is close it.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Okay. Got him.

Get a fence going.

-Eric, where were you?

-John.

-He wouldn't listen to me.

We waited for you to arrive,
but...

-He shouldn't have dived alone.

-He wouldn't listen.

-He was always like that.

[Tires squeal]

-We've got our murderer.

No doubt this time.

-Down there?

-Hasn't moved an inch
in all this time.

The jig is up.
No more fish to fry.

-Have you seen him yet?

-No.

A bit more.

Fuck me.

Sorry, Eric. I should have known
he'd not do anything so stupid.

-No sense punishing yourself.

-He's really enjoying
our frustration.

-604, this is headquarters.
Come in.

-604, Come in.

-We have a breaking and
entering in the Amstel Marina.

Repeat,
we have a breaking and entering

in the Amstel Marina.

Could be your guy.

-On our way.

[Tires squeal]

[Car horns honk]

[Siren wails]

-That's it there.
-Still inside?

-I didn't see him,
but I think so, sir.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Intense music plays]

-Ahh!

♪♪

-Shit. You okay?

-Yeah, just wounded.

[Engine starts]

-How do I start this?

-Press the red button
and hit the gas.

[Engine rumbles]

-Ahh!

-Again!

-Pull and pull and pull and --

[Rowers shouting]

[Shouting continues]

[Car horn honks]

-[Screams]
-Hey!

[Shouting, screaming]

[Shouting]

-We got them in sight.

They're going like
a son of a bitch.

Oh, no!

Shit.

-It's a clear case
of police brutality!

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

[Band playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Band playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine revs]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Huh?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Squeaks]

♪♪

♪♪

[Wings flapping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Water running]

[Car horns honking
in distance]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gunshot echoing]

-Whew! Okay, to start with,

we don't often talk about
stunt people on this show,

but I got to mention the guy
who was driving the lead boat.

That was Nick Gillard,

a British stuntman who is,
he's known for a lot of things.

Well, one reason
that powerboat chase

reminds you of a James Bond film

is that Gillard has done
major stunts in James Bond films

for almost 40 years.

But Nick Gillard started out

as a bareback horse rider
in the circus.

He moved over to stunt work
in all the "Star Wars" films,

all the Bond films,

he was the double
for Mark Hamill

in "Return of the Jedi."

He did a 2.5 minute fire burn
in "Alien III."

He is so good with the fire suit

that he's been set on fire
over 100 times.

But in this movie, that jump
where he goes over two bridges

and comes back
into the water --

that was a world record,
never been equaled.

He traveled over 200 feet
in the air.

That speedboat chase, though,
is 8 minutes long.

Do you know how long
it takes to film

just 1 or 2 seconds
of any chase scene?

By comparison, the chase scene
in "The French Connection,"

considered one of the greatest
ever, is just 5:50.

Add to this the fact that the
speed limit in Amsterdam canals

is 5 kilometers per hour.

There's so many houseboats
there,

you're not allowed
to make any waves.

So 5 kilometers equates
to 3 miles an hour.

So it took a full year just
to get all the legal permits

they needed to even use
the canals for a chase scene.

And that part of the chase where
the boats jump onto the shore

and plow through
some restaurants

that had to be shot in Utrecht,

which is 28 miles
south of Amsterdam,

because the canals there
don't have so many barriers

and the businesses
are really close to the water.

Huub Stapel,
who played Eric, the cop,

he wanted to drive
his own speedboat

and remarkably,
they allowed him to do that.

So to me, the most amazing part
of the chase

is not
the world record bridge jump.

It's the speed when they go
under those very low,

very narrow bridge openings.

Anyway.

Huub Stapel's boat
crashed into one of those walls,

and that resulted in injuries
that kept him in the hospital

for four days
and out of work for three weeks.

So obviously,
he was not allowed to drive

when they resumed filming.

He actually had a rib

sticking out of his chest
from that crash,

and to this day, he has
paresthesia in his fingers.

Paresthesia is
a burning sensation

or a tingling in your fingers.

It's mostly annoying,
but it's chronic.

I should also mention
that the ship

with the brass band playing,

one of my favorite
moments in the chase,

when Eric has to stop

so he won't kill
all the musicians in the band.

Actually, that's --
I think that is the moment

when the killer
jumps the two bridges.

The conductor of the band
is Bert Haanstra,

a well-known and beloved

Dutch director who made
a musical comedy in 1958

that at the time
was the most successful

Dutch film in history,

and it was about a competition
between two brass bands.

The movie was called "Fanfare,"

and the piece
he's conducting on the boat

in Amsterdam
is "Theme from Fanfare."

So great inside joke,
but only for Dutch people.

Okay, well,
everybody's awake now

because Eric is fresh
from a session of hot sex,

followed by adrenaline-pumping
speedboat pursuits,

followed by falling down
into a sewer full of rats.

And so I guess we know that the
guy in jail is not the killer.

So who is the killer?
Have you guessed yet?

No, you have not.

I am 100% certain

that if you're watching
this movie for the first time,

you have not guessed the killer.

And I'll tell you why

after we watched
the stunning conclusion of...

"Amsterdamned."

Go. Roll it.

Those rats.

The rats had to be imported,
because Holland has a law

that you can't use lab specimen
rats for entertainment purposes,

so they had to bring in
50 rats from Belgium,

but the rats they brought
in were white rats,

and white rats don't look
disgusting enough on camera,

so they all had
to be dyed brown.

And surprisingly enough,

this is not the first time
a director had to deal

with this particular problem,
because, as you may recall,

Werner Herzog had to dye
hundreds of white rats

a darker color when he made
"Nosferatu" in 1979.

You know how they say
everything is regulated

and policed in Europe?

Well, rats are very safe there.

Rat wrangling is watched
very, very closely.

♪♪

♪♪

-He's back.

-What are you doing here?
-I was in the neighborhood.

-How are you, Eric? In pain?

-You get him?

-No, by the time we found you,
he was long gone.

-What time is it?
And where's -- where's Anneke?

-Staying with a school friend.

Really?

What's the time?

-1:00 AM.

-Time flies
when you're having fun.

I shot at him. Broke his mask.

-Yeah, the officers
found some evidence of that,

but we don't know
whether you hit him or not.

-We'd better get going.
We're losing time.

Ow!

-You stay right where you are,
Eric. You need to rest.

The harpoon
only grazed the bone,

but the doctor says
you need bed rest.

-Jesus.

-How are you, Mr. Visser.
-[Strained] Just great, doc.

-You were very lucky.
You're going to be okay.

We shall take out the stitches
in a day or two,

and the only souvenir
you'll be left with will be

a very small scar.

You had better go.
The patient must rest.

-I wanted to ask him
a few more questions.

-They'll have to wait.
I just gave him an injection.

For the next 12 hours,
he'll be out.

-Well, I guess I'll just
have to come back tomorrow.

Shall we go?
-Yes.

-Oh, it's you.

He hasn't returned yet.
-Today, I'm a little early.

-Oh, well, you know
your way around the place.

I have to go.
My mother is unwell again.

-Nothing serious, I hope?
-Too much coffee.

And she knows that coffee
isn't good for her.

She doesn't listen to us and she
doesn't listen to her doctor,

and now she's sick.

-You give her my best.
-I will.

Oh, help yourself to a sherry.
I poured myself a glass.

[Classical music playing
quietly through headphones]

♪♪

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Rattling]

-Martin?

[Classical music stops]

♪♪

Martin?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Martin?

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

Are we having fun here?

♪♪

♪♪

Is this some new
kind of therapy?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Phone ringing]

♪♪

-Hello? A Wing Surgery.

Would you repeat?

Eric Visser?

-It's terribly urgent.
We must speak.

-I'll go in and check on him.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sorry, but Mr. Visser
is still asleep.

Is there a message
you'd like to leave?

-Yes. Tell him Laura telephoned.
Yes, Laura.

♪♪

♪♪

Tell him that I now know
the ident--

-One moment.
My pen's not working.

-Just remember!

Just tell him that Laura
discovered who it is.

It's very urgent.

♪♪

[Gate clinks]
-[Gasps]

♪♪

-Hello?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Yes, kids?

-We're visiting Eric Visser.

-Third floor. Room 316.

-You said he wouldn't be here.

-I tell you, I had a vision.

-As long as you
just shut up about it.

-I just want to warn him.

-Willy, how can he be
any danger here?

-Maybe he won't be here long.

-Four days, the doctor said.

[Elevator chimes]

-You'll see that I am right.

I'm a seer.
-Ha!

You just see that you don't
fall in the water again.

-From the boys.
-Yeah. That's nice.

-And fresh clothes.

-What news?

-Nothing that's likely
to cheer you up, frankly.

Mind if I have an apple?

My stomach thinks
my throat's cut.

-Take it.

-There was a call for you,
Mr. Visser.

-Yeah. Who?
-Her name, she said, was Laura.

-Any message?

-It was a bit strange.
She suddenly hung up.

-What did she say?

It was real strange
what she said.

Let's see if I...

Something about, she knew
who you were looking for.

My pen ran out of ink just then,
and I wasn't --

-When was it?
-Oh, 15 minutes ago.

-Why didn't you put her through?

-You were asleep.

-Where was she?
-She didn't say.

-Isn't it Wednesday today?

What time is it?

-Uh, 5:35. Why?

-Mr. Visser, what are you doing?

-Eric, what is it?

-Hurry, or we'll be too late.
-Late? Late for what?

-Mr. Visser!
-Hi, Pop.

-Pop is out of here.

-Where to?
-Tell you later!

[Wind howling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Piano playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Piano playing stops]

♪♪

♪♪

-Just what the frigging hell
is going on?

-Step on in!
-Eric, this is a new auto.

I'm breaking it in still.

[Engine revs]
Eric!

♪♪

[Lightning cracks]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Laura! Oh!

[Lightning cracks]

[Groans]

-[Grunts]

[Oar clatters]

[Crying]

♪♪

[Intense music plays]

[Screams]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

-[Groans]

♪♪

-It's all right.

It's all right.

I don't think that's necessary.

-Martin, I thought you did it.

I don't understand.

-I suggest that you call
for assistance from here.

You and I are long overdue
for a talk.

[Thunder rumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-He's a childhood friend.

We did everything together,
including the diving,

that especially.

He made it his career.

He went to work for
a well-known salvage company.

-What happened?

-Three years ago, the ship in
a storm lost some of its cargo,

these vats of chemical waste.

He was instructed to go down.

His task was to recover them.
They said it was harmless.

-What was it?
-Uranium hexafluoride.

But they didn't say that.

-Who didn't?

-It was a high-level cover up
in the great chemical company.

-And then Martin?

-They called it
only a small accident.

One of the vats
had burst open on the bottom.

I couldn't recognize the guy.
His whole face was disfigured.

The waste turned out
to be radioactive as hell.

It ate into his head.

I watched him deteriorate,
but I couldn't help.

♪♪

♪♪

[Squeaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

He withdrew, wanting nothing
to do with anyone.

I quit diving, the pleasure
of it was gone forever.

I went often to see,
to try to help him.

Then he asked if he could
borrow my diving gear.

He no longer had his.
I said, of course.

He was a friend.

I just wanted the guy
to be a little happy.

I had no idea what his plan was.
-Revenge on society.

Innocent people
had to be slaughtered.

-I just couldn't believe it.
-He's sick.

-So is society.

-We're nearly there.

♪♪

♪♪

-Ahh!

[Choking]

[Siren wails]

-He's in there.
There's no hurry.

His diving days are over.

[Sirens wailing]

-Shouldn't we go back?
Anneke will be worried.

-There isn't any rush, Laura.

-I reserved a table for dinner.
-Oh, yeah?

-For three, by candlelight
in a fish restaurant.

[Laughs]

-A fish restaurant?
-You don't like fish?

-Uh, no.

I don't like anything
that comes out of the water.

-I came out of the water, Eric.

-Ah, well,
you're the one exception.

Ahh!
-[Gasps]

-[Laughs]

-You clown!

-[Laughing]

♪♪

-♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Somewhere in the black night ♪

♪ Shining ♪

♪ Eyes that follow your stride ♪

♪ You can't hide ♪

♪ From the arms
that wrap tight ♪

♪ Ooh, no ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ Something ♪

♪ Something terrible waiting ♪

♪ Mm, you fight ♪

♪ You cannot escape him ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ You can't hide ♪

♪ Can you hear him breathing ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ Oh, ohh ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, my God, I'm so mad.

-What? Why?

-That ending!

-What? I thought it was cool.

I love the Phantom-ness
of the killer.

-The Phantom-ness?

-Yeah, it's basically
the story of the Phantom.

-It's not anything
like the story of the Phantom.

-Plus the theme song.

It's so cute and so
freaking weird at the same time.

-What theme? What theme song?

-You know, the music
over the credits.

Like bubblegum,

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

-Didn't have anything
to do with the movie.

-I mean, does it matter?
It's a bop.

-♪ Somewhere ♪
-Yes.

-♪ Somewhere
in the black night ♪

That song?

-That song.

-♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

[Music starting]

♪♪

-♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Somewhere
in the black night ♪

♪ Shining ♪

♪ Eyes that follow your stride ♪

♪ You can't hide ♪

♪ From the monster reptile ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh ♪

-Whoa!
-♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ This place is damned ♪

♪ Something ♪

♪ Something terrible's waiting ♪

♪ You fight ♪

♪ You cannot escape him ♪

-Yeah!

-♪ You can't hide ♪

♪ Can you hear him breathing ♪
-Yeah! Back it up.

-♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ This place is damned ♪

-♪ It's Amsterdam ♪

[Single person clapping]
-That's it?

[Laughter]

Okay.

-Well, wasn't that exhilarating?

-Wasn't it?

-No!

Just one more thing that
doesn't belong in the movie.

-But it's so cute.

-Darcy, you don't invent
a new character

in the last ten minutes
of the movie,

and then that turns out
to be the killer.

-They didn't invent
a new character.

He was in the very first scene.

-He's never mentioned.
He's never seen.

We get his whole backstory
in a long speech

by the psychiatrist

while he's riding
in the back seat of a car.

I don't think you have
to be a film expert to know

you cannot do that!

It's not some arcane theory
of screenwriting.

We could ask a third grader,
"Can you hide a killer

and then reveal him in the last
five minutes of the movie

and then have him commit suicide
so you don't even confront him?"

-Okay, that's a good point.
-Listen to this.

I wrote this down.
-Uh-huh.

-Well, first of all, when Laura

goes to her psychiatrist
appointment with Martin

and she finds the wet suit
and the shattered goggles,

why does she suddenly
have to hide?

Doesn't she have an appointment?

Isn't he expecting to see her?

If she thinks he's the killer,
shouldn't she just act like

she doesn't know
that he's the killer?

It's all the skulking around
that leads to the confrontation

with the underwater Phantom.

So then, after the killer
has been shot four times,

we're in the car taking Martin
to the hospital for his wounds

from being bashed
in the head with an oar,

and they're asking him
why he had the killer's stuff

in his place, and he says --

I'm gonna quote
this whole thing,

because it's unbelievable.
-Oh, my God.

-Where is it? Oh. Oh.

-Sky Bar to the rescue.
-Thank you, Mr. Sky Bar.

-Thank you.
-Okay.

Yeah, they're in the back
of the car, and he says,

"We've been friends since youth.

We did everything together.
We started diving together.

He went on to make
a living out of it,

working for a salvage company.

Three years ago,
a ship in the North Sea

lost several containers
with chemical agents.

He was one of the people
to recover them.

They said it was harmless stuff.

Uranium hexafluoride,
but they forgot to mention it.

A state-owned enterprise
involving senior officials.

They called it
an unfortunate accident.

One of the containers
had burst open underwater.

I didn't recognize him
any longer.

His face had been deformed.

The stuff was so radioactive
it messed with his brain.

He became increasingly erratic.

There was nothing I could do."

Okay, Darcy,

you do not introduce
uranium fucking hexafluoride

into a movie when it's
4 minutes from being over.

Plus, I just read all this,

and nothing in this story has
anything to do with the movie.

He worked for a salvage company.
He was in the North Sea.

Uranium hexafluoride.
What the fuck is that?

State-owned enterprise,
senior officials,

when all you had to say was,

"His face got fucked up," right?

-Okay, I understand your point,

but the title theme is cute,

and his Phantom makeup
is amazing.

-Before you go there...
-Okay.

-I'm not even finished.
-Oh God, stop.

-Martin is still talking.

-Stop.
You don't have to, though.

-"He withdrew from everyone.

The fun was over for me.

I quit diving.
I couldn't do it anymore.

I went to see him a few times.
I tried to help him.

A few months ago, he asked

if he could borrow
my diving gear.

He'd got rid of his.
Of course, I said yes.

I wanted him to be happy.
I let him use all my stuff.

I had no idea
what his intentions were.

Avenging himself
against society,

murdering innocent people.

I didn't want to believe it.
He's sick, extremely sick."

All this is a monologue!

Spoken from
the back seat of a car.

You're adding another
whole movie to this movie,

told through the longest
exposition scene in history

located at the latest point
any exposition scene

has ever been placed.

-Why is this
making you this angry?

-Because it's a fake ending!
-Is it?

-Yes!
-Is it?

-Yes!

-Anyway, "Amsterdamned"
was a big hit in Europe.

They also still love disco.
-I don't like you.

-It was released
in February of 1988

and over a million people
saw it.

1.4 million, actually.
-Hmm.

-♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

-Don't do that.
What are you doing?

-I want the bubbles
and the Sky Bar back.

It was awesome. I love the song.
-Stop that.

-Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Just stop it.

-Okay. [Sighs]

Wow, just...

It's a cute movie.

Oh, I love the little
"Jaws" tribute music,

and some of the kills
are really cool,

like the float one, ohh.

And all the location shots
are really, really beautiful.

-Okay. Europe agrees with you.
-Yay, Europe.

-I mentioned before, Dick Maas
went on to make 20 more movies,

"Killer Babes,"
a dark comedy in 2007,

"Prey," the lion on the loose
movie in 2016.

Huge in mainland China under
the title "Violent Fierce Lion."

They tend to be literal
in China.

Dick Maas did
end up working in America

for a brief time
in the late '90s.

He directed a lot of episodes

in the "Young Indiana Jones
Chronicles,"

and he continued to direct
a whole bunch of music videos,

including the music video
for "Amsterdamned."

-♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

-I assume you've seen
that video.

-Who hasn't?

-Sister singers who perform
under the group name Lois Lane.

Actually, the first victim
in the movie, the hooker victim,

she stars in that video.

-They're really great.

-Barbara Martine.
-Okay, God.

-I wanted to mention
another Dick Maas movie

that I'm certain
you've heard of.

-"Saint."
-Yes, of course.

The gruesome Christmas movie,

Saint Nicholas
as a child-killer bishop

from 400 years ago
murdered by the villagers,

but every 42 years,
he comes back as a zombie.

-Yes!

It stars the same dude
from "Amsterdamned."

-Cube...?
-Huub Stapel.

-Yes, yes.

He's the zombie Santa,

and he cuts the head
off of a cop.

-Dick Maas is kind of famous
for decapitation scenes.

I mean, like the night watchman
and "The Lift."

He also has a lot of
bloody ups--

He's famous for bloody,
upside-down corpses.

-Yeah, the best.

-All right, well, you can't go
wrong with a killer Santa movie.

-No, you cannot.
-I understand there's

a rooftop-to-rooftop chase scene
with the reindeer in that movie?

-I think they're horses,
but, yeah, it's awesome.

-All right. Mail call.
-Yes.

-Got anything?
-I do.

I've got something
for our wall of fame.

-Where we keep
all the fan art?

-Indeed.
-All right.

-It's from Zach Crockett
of Columbia, Missouri.

-Okay. Home of the university.

-What university?

-You know,
University of Missouri.

Mizzou.

Don't they call it Mizzou?

-I don't know the nicknames
of colleges in Missouri.

I'm sorry.
-Well, you should.

-I'm sorry.
-Go, Tigers.

Although they don't
have the actual --

They used to have the actual
Bengal tiger on the field.

-[Gasps]
-They don't do that anymore.

Now they have Truman the Tiger
in a mascot costume.

-Good, we don't want to use
live animals

as football mascots.

-Well, Bevo, the University
of Texas longhorn steer,

would disagree with you.

-Well, I don't think
you speak for Bevo,

and you would eat Bevo.

-No, I would not eat a longhorn.

Longhorns are too skinny.

You don't get the marbling
that you need for quality beef.

-Gross. What are you
talking about, man?

-I would not eat
longhorn steer meat.

-Well, at least one species
is safe from you.

-You'd have to crossbreed
the longhorn steer

with another purebred,
and you can't do that.

-Why?
-'Cause it's a steer.

-What? I don't --
Just read the freaking letter.

-Okay.
-Thank you.

-"Howdy, Joe Bob.

I'm writing this letter
to say that I love your show,

"The Last Drive-In."

You never know
where in the horror genre

you'll take us next,
whether it's a classic film

or an underappreciated gem.

Even in the worst movies --

I'm looking at you,
'Demon Wind.'"

-What? That's my favorite.

-"Your commentary and monologues
make the show great fun.

Your speech in
'One Cut of the Dead'

about filmmaking
was very inspiring.

I just want you to know
that I and all of us

in the Mutant family love Darcy

and appreciate
what you bring us.

Thank you so much,
Zach Crockett.

P.S., I'm not sure if this
will even reach you,

but I've included
a drawing of you and Darcy

and some ugly critters.

I'm so unworthy,

but if either of you
could take a picture with it,

I'd be in Mutant heaven.
Thank you."

Okay, and we do have the --
It's an ink drawing.

Yeah, once again,
a perfect likeness of me

and a perfect likeness of you.
-Oh, my God.

It's really good, actually.
-Plus critters.

Lots of bloody,
creepy people and animals.

So thank you, Zach.
-I love it.

-Here, Darcy, take my picture.
-What?

-Take my picture
with the drawing.

-What? How about we do it
in a minute?

-We're going to send
this off to --

We're going to send
this off to Zach.

We'll send this to you
right away, Zach.

-Okay, wait. Do you want --
-Go ahead. Yeah, take it.

-Why did we
do "Amsterdamned" first?

-Did you have
your camera ready?

[Camera shutter clicks]
-Go. Bam, Zach. That's for you.

Real time.
-Okay.

And that's it for me.

And that's it for
Darcy the Mail Girl.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs reminding you
that a dirty mind

is a terrible thing to waste,

and the drive-in will never die.

Did I tell you the one
about my friend Frank,

the eternal optimist?

-I'm sure you have.

-Well, I'm gonna tell it again.
-Okay.

Frank is one of those guys who
always looks on the bright side,

so no matter how horrible
your story is, he always says,

"Well, it could have been
worse," which is annoying.

So to cure him of that habit,
we invented this situation

so completely bad,
so terrible that even Frank

could find absolutely
no hope in the situation.

So we waited until he was
on the golf course one day

and we said, "Frank,
did you hear about Tom?"

He goes, "No, what?"

"Well, he came home last night

and he found his wife in bed
with another man,

and he shot them both,

and then he turned
the gun on himself."

And Frank says,
"Well, that's awful.

Could have been worse, though."

And so we all thought,

"How in the hell
could it have been worse?"

Frank says, "If it happened
the night before last,

I'dbe dead."

[Laughter]
-Oh, Frank.

[Laughter]

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