All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-In.With.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S20E09.The.Mutilator.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

-♪ I been thinking
'bout our trailer ♪

♪ And the way it used to sway

♪ When the mattress springs
were squealin' high ♪

♪ And the roaches ran away

♪ But now you've gone
to Memphis ♪

♪ In my brand-new Chevrolet

-You ever notice
how billionaires

are always trying to tell us
how smart they are?

Especially those dumb ones.

[Sproinging]

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go

♪♪

♪♪

-People kill for many reasons,
usually stupid ones.

I think the professional
detectives say

it's always either
sex or money -- right? --

when you drill right down to it.

But it can also be revenge.

I'm amazed how many people
murder somebody

'cause they were disrespected,

which let's start with the fact
that that's not even a word.

I mean, if you're going around

telling people
you're disrespected,

you deserve to be disrespected

because there's no such thing
as disrespectation.

So...
[Laughter]

Oh, I'm sorry.
I was kind of in my own world.

I was thinking
about tonight's movies.

Welcome to "The Last Drive-in."

This is the first night
all season

when it's not really
a theme night.

But I do think our movies
tonight are connected, right?

Darcy?
-Not really, no.

-Well, both movies
are about killers

who are crazier than a dog
in a hubcap factory,

but we don't really know
what exactly got him

riled up in the first place,

which is sort of common
in America anyway

'cause people get riled up
over their avocado toast

being loaded wrong, so...

-Ohh. I hate that.
-You hate what?

-When the avocado is
all soggy on the toast.

-Oh, my God.
You see what I mean?

And you would kill somebody,

probably, for preparing
your avocado toast

in a barbaric manner.

-No, but it's annoying

for what they charge
for avocado toast.

-Okay, well, my rant
is not about avocado toast.

-Good. What's it about?

-Darcy the Mail Girl,
ladies and gentlemen,

here to field your e-mails,
your online messages,

your tweets,
your adorable TikToks.

She even goes through the snail
mail searching for controversy.

-Because you told me to.
[Laughter]

-Well, yes, because I like
stimulating dissent.

-Well, we've got
a whole bunch of that.

-Okay.

What is the deal
with avocado toast, anyway?

I mean, all of a sudden people
are ordering breakfast,

and, "Yes, and I'll also have
some avocado toast."

-You're talking about it
like it's new.

-Well, I think
it's new compared

to the history of toast.

-There's no history of toast.
-Yes, there is.

Toast has one thing on it.

Well, actually -- Well, toast
has two things on it,

either jelly or jam.

-Boring.

-What's the difference
between jelly and jam?

-One has massive sugar,
and the other has extreme sugar.

-Actually, three things
you can put on toast --

jelly, jam, preserves.

So, that's what you put
on toast.

-That's what youput on toast.

-Well, what do you
put on toast?

-Avocado, although usually
I skip the bread part.

-Well, then it's not toast.

If there's no bread,
it's not toast.

You're not rational
about food, Darcy.

Although I agree with you

that avocado does not belong
on toast.

Anyway, way off topic.
-Yeah, you did that.

-Alright, my point was,

I have had a couple people
threaten to kill me

over stuff I said on TV.
-That is not shocking news.

-Anyway, the whole country
is on edge,

and I don't know why.
And --

-Aren't you always on edge?

-Yeah, I sort of am,

but I don't like
other people doing it.

I was in Seattle recently and --

You love Seattle, right?
-I do.

That whole part of the country
is beautiful.

-Because people are friendly
there, you know?

I always think of
Seattle and Minneapolis

and Burlington, Vermont,

all the really cold places
in America --

I always think of those cities
as extremely friendly

'cause they have to be.

They're cold. They're miserable.

They need to keep
a lid on stuff.

They group hug all the time,
like Eskimos, you know?

-I didn't realize that Eskimos
were known for their group hugs.

-Oh, yeah.
Did you ever read "Kabloona"?

-Oh, yeah.

-Then you know.
The Eskimos are very hospitable.

They're happy to see you.
They say,

"Here, get inside
this walrus skin with my wife."

And then it's an insult

if you don't get inside
the guy's walrus skin

with the guy's wife, so --

-You are making that up.
-No, in the book "Kabloona,"

that's what happens, so...

-So, what is the book
"Kabloona"?

-I thought you just said
you read the book "Kabloona."

-I was kidding. Nobody's read
the book "Kabloona."

-Well, you should read it,

and then you would know
that when you're invited

into someone's igloo,

they do wife-lending
to keep you warm.

-I don't think
they do that today.

-Well, how would you know?
You didn't read "Kabloona."

Anyway, my point is,
the colder the place,

the friendlier they are.

So, Seattle used to be

one of the friendliest places
in America,

but now people will very openly
tell you

how much you are not
welcome there,

especially if you want
to tear down a house

to build a new house
or open a strip mall

or just move there to live
with your idiot cousin.

'Cause last year
I was hosted by these people.

You ever been to the Googleplex

during your Seattle travels,

over there where Google
is based,

that part of Google is based?

-Did I read the schedule
wrong for tonight?

-What schedule?

-The schedule of
"Last Drive-In" movies.

'Cause what we're showing can't
possibly have anything to do

with the Googleplex or Eskimos.
Like, no way.

-Well, tonight's first movie
is set in a vacation wonderland,

a place that wants you to
come back again and again --

Morehead City, North Carolina,
your roots.

-I mean, my roots
are South Carolina, not North,

but I'll take it.
-Okay.

Alright. Morehead City,
Myrtle Beach, same thing,

not that different.
-Oh, my God.

They're so different.
But go ahead.

-Alright. Alright.
Anyway,

people at the Googleplex --

I'm talking about
the Googleplex right now.

-Okay.
-People at the Googleplex,

they're very proud
to be living in Seattle.

They want to show you
their beanbag chairs

and their Segways
and their modular cafeterias

and their deltoid
pull-down fitness machines

and their electric car
charging stations

next to the gourmet
macchiato preparation kiosk.

But this woman who was
showing me around,

she would go into a rage

when she saw a California
license plate,

you know, evidence
that some jerk from L.A.

had moved in
to ruin her quality of life.

And so I told her, "You know,

if you get that excited
about those people,

I'm glad we're not seeing
any Texas plates

because Californians are masters
of politeness compared to us."

But the comment kind of sailed
right past her,

like she didn't know
what I was talking about,

or maybe I didn't know
what she was talking about.

-Well, I'm on her team.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

-Well, I'm using this
as an example.

People who identify
with the place where they live,

they see enemies on all sides,
you know?

"Our city is being ruined
by them."

And so in Seattle,

"them" is anybody with
California a license plate.

In Orlando,
it's people moving in

from all the other
southern states.

In Atlanta, it's Yankees.

In Aspen, it's hipsters.

Although going back --

I want to go back to Atlanta
for a minute.

They will tell you
that they hate the yankees,

but then they want you to know
that Elton John lives there.

He's got a house on Peachtree.

So, isn't Elton John way
more exotic than a Yankee?

I mean, SirElton John,
a genuine British knight?

Isn't that Yankee Times 10?

Isn't that a super-sized Yankee?

-Yeah, but they like him
'cause he's rich.

And he could live anywhere,
and he chooses to be in Atlanta.

-Well, yeah, but being rich

is usually
what engenders the hatred.

People who live in Santa Fe

think "them" is rich people
from Texas,

rich people from California,
rich people from New York,

and just rich people in general.

And even in New York,
a city that's thrived

off of immigration
for two centuries,

the people in Little Italy

don't like those Chinese
people from Hong Kong

buying up all the good
buildings in Little Italy

and improving the buildings.

You know, it doesn't matter
that they improve things

when they move in.

"They're changing our place."

So, Texas is actually one of the

few places that knows

it's composed of the scum
of the earth.

So anybody that shows up
in Texas

automatically becomes a citizen
within five minutes.

There's a few,
like Daughters of the Alamo

or whatever you call them,
you know,

who think they have some
kind of heritage to protect.

But Texas is mostly
made up of folks

that got kicked out of every
decent state in America, so --

And we also know that
every time the state goes broke,

which is about
once every 20 years,

all the yankees
go back home anyway

and all the real-estate hustlers
head for Phoenix

and all the, you know,
weekend ranchers show up

at some pitiful auction
in Lubbock.

They're trying to unload
that $500 bull

that they paid $10,000 for,
so --

-[Clears throat]
-Alright. No, no, no, no, no.

I know. I know. I know.
So, I've got a message

for all these cities
that are constantly

whining about the outsiders
moving in.

Numero uno,

when the guy from L.A. shows up
offering to pay a million bucks

for a house
that's worth $200,000,

you don't have to
sell it to him!

Alright?

If you do sell it to him

and he immediately tears it down

and puts up a suburban replica
of Disneyland,

complete with the Matterhorn,

that's not his fault.

You made the decision.

The game was played with money.

Alright, numero two-o,

your latte is not better

than the latte
they serve in Nashville,

so just stop saying that.

Numero three-o, if you say you
do not want growth,

but you're constantly
trying to get

United Airlines to move
their corporate headquarters

to your city,
then you're an idiot.

You don't understand
what growth is.

Most of the cities
that are complaining

are the ones with
aggressive chambers of commerce.

Numero four-o,

if you truly don't want
any more shopping centers,

pass zoning laws that make
it impossible to build them

Numero five-o, if you truly
don't want any more traffic --

because that's
what they always say,

"These newcomers are making
the traffic bad" --

then stop requiring
every new building

to have massive numbers
of parking spaces.

Nothing encourages traffic

more than the availability
of parking spaces.

So, the city council says,

"Okay, we'll let you put up
that office building,

but only if you include
10 acres of green space

as a city park."

And then the same
city council says,

"Of course,
we also expect you to put in

50,000 parking spaces."

So, you're encouraging driving,
therefore pollution,

to get to the little patch
of green space.

And by the way, I'm not
complaining about driving.

I love cars, you know?

I'm just pointing out
the reality here.

And finally --

-Oh, I am so holding you
to that.

-Holding me to what?
-"Finally."

-Okay, finally,

everybody should be
really careful with that

"I was here first" syndrome

because Seattle is a man's name.
-What?

-He was a Native American,
you know?

You know, "These new people,
they're gonna change our place."

Well, yes, they are.
This is America.

Let the people in.

-Okay, Darcy, I saw every
eye roll during that rant.

-Good.
-"The Mutilator"!

-Yeah!
-Okay.

Our first movie tonight
is "The Mutilator,"

the most often predicted movie

that we will show
on "The Last Drive-In."

And tonight,
you finally get your wish.

-Yeah.
-"The Muti--"

How many years
have people been saying,

"I'll bet they're showing
'The Mutilator' this week"?

-Oh, my God, it's like
practically a meme

at this point.
-So we gave in.

-We're showing it.

It's the sensitive story

of six carefree college students

who head down to a condo

in Atlantic Beach,
North Carolina,

for the three S's --
sun, sex, and suds,

blissfully unaware
that a crotchety old drunk

with a fetish
for nautical implements --

yes, nautical implements --

is hiding out in the garage,

waiting for a chance
to mutilate the cast

and hang them on hooks
in his workshop.

The killer is actually
the dad of the chief partyer.

And that's not a spoiler.

The movie totally
gives that away.

And Dad has never been the same
since his 10-year-old

accidentally killed Mom
12 years ago.

Does he want revenge?

Does he want some
hunting trophies?

Does he want another
shot of whiskey?

Yes, he wants all of the above
in this regional slasher

that I would best describe as...

loud.
[Laughter]

It's loud.
It's loud music, loud colors,

loud sound effects,
loud dialogue,

loud characterizations,

loud in all the ways we like
our derivative generic slashers

because, yes, it was 1984
and everybody was making them,

including the local lawyer
in Morehead City,

Buddy Cooper.

It's by the numbers,

but the kills were
so alarming to the MPAA

that it was saddled
with an X rating

and never quite recovered.

Sure, we've seen it before.

In fact, we've seen
pretty much every scene

in this movie before.

But have we seen it
with the upbeat pop-rock anthem

""We're Gonna Have A Good Time"

blasting out of the soundtrack

while six heedless students
on fall break --

Is that a thing?
Is fall break a thing?

[Laughter]

Six heedless students
on fall break

cavort in a convertible

while tossing dozens of empty
beer cans onto the highway,

leading to their appointment
with the meat grinder.

I think not.

Let's look at those
Drive-In Totals and get started.

We have...

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

...barbed grapple-hook vagin--
Ohh.

"Drive-In" Academy Award
nominations

for Ruth Martinez
as Pam the Virgin who says,

"Does this mean
if we don't make love,

you'll still like me
in the morning?"

Jack Chatham
as the inventive killer,

and Buddy Cooper,
the writer, director, producer,

for using his own money

to get that sucker made

and doing it the drive-in way.

I'm gonna give it 2 1/2 stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

-What? You are kidding me.

This is a classic.
2 1/2 stars? Oh, my God

-Okay, you'll get your chance.
You'll get your chance to speak.

We can disagree without
gouging each other's eyes out.

-Maybe.

-And there will be
no avocado toast in this movie

because it's 1984,
we're in the South,

and these are red-blooded
American students

who guzzle beer
and make the sign

of the humpbacked spearfish
on the sofa.

-Do you have a thing
against avocados?

-No, it's just that they don't
really belong on toast.

-Well, what belongs
on toast, then?

-Butter and jelly...
or possibly jam.

What is the difference
between jelly and jam?

I really don't know.

-Jam is, like, thicker,
and it has more fruit, I think.

-Jelly is much more popular
than jam, though, right?

-Not really.

-Well, nobody has a peanut
butter and jam sandwich.

-I think I prefer jam to jelly.

-You would.
-What does that mean?

-Well, whatever the traditional,
all-American choice is,

you go to the opposite.
You always go to the opposite.

-The traditional,
all-American choice

is usually something
that's really bad for you.

-Jelly is not bad
for your body.

-Yeah, it's, like,
massive sugar content.

-You can't be trusted.
You put ketchup on hot dogs.

-Oh, we are not
going there again.

-I bet 80% of the population
prefers jelly over jam on toast.

-Are we really
talking about this?

-Can you be prosecuted
for selling peach jam

and then the consumer finds out
it's not actually jam,

it's jelly?

-I don't think so.

-Of course, most people
would celebrate.

You know, "I bought this jam

"at the Tiger Mart
on the interstate,

but it turned out to be jelly.
Hooray!"

You know?
-Alright. You win.

Jelly's awesome!

-Really?

-No, but nobody cares.
-Okay. I care.

Why did they start putting jelly

in those little square
plastic jelly containers

that they dump on the table
at the diner?

-We're not gonna be
discussing that.

-We won't?
-No.

We won't be discussing
jelly or jam

for the rest of the night.
We're done.

-Okay.

-But jam is better.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static hisses]

[Birds chirping, dog barks]

♪♪

♪♪

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gunshot echoes]

♪♪

-Mama! Mama!

[Vehicle approaches]

[Door closes]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Siren wailing]

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ We're goin' on a...
-♪ A fall break

♪ Runnin' in the sand
feelin' alright ♪

-♪ Feelin' alright...

-♪ And when you fall
into my arms ♪

♪ I'll break into your heart

♪♪

[Video game beeping]

-Fall break,
and here we sit.

No plans, nothing to do.

-I've been warning you
since September.

Go to the beach, go to
the mountains, do something.

So don't say
I didn't tell you so.

-Well, why didn't you
make some reservations?

-I should have, but you guys
never agree on anything.

[Telephone ringing]

So we'll sit around here
just like we did last year.

It's depressing.

-Hey, Ed, uh, you have
a telephone call.

-[Chuckles] Right.

-No, seriously,
you have a telephone call.

-Well, what do you know?

Ralph said what he meant
for a change!

♪♪

Yeah?

♪♪

My dad?

♪♪

Yeah, okay. Uh-huh.

-Well, anybody got
any good ideas for break?

-I'm gonna set a new high score
on the video machine.

-I'm gonna watch.
-How about you?

-Well, actually, I was relying
on you to make the arrangements.

-Oh, Ralph.
-Anybody got any paper?

It's a message
to call my dad.

From a phone booth,
for Christ's sakes.

♪♪

-I thought
Ed's father was dead.

-His motheris dead.

God, it was a terrible
accident, too.

-What happened?

-When he was a little boy,
Ed accidentally shot her.

-Oh, ho-ho! Man!

-Drove his father crazy.
-I can understand it.

-You know, I really
can't, uh -- Dad?

[Dial tone]

♪♪

I don't believe it.

-Don't believe what?

-My old man.
-What's up?

-He's having another one
of his spells!

-What do you mean?
-Yeah, what kind of spells?

-The kind
that come in bottles.

-Well, what's the problem?
-Will you let the man talk?

-He wants me to close up
his condo for the winter.

-Oh, that sounds like work.

-What's the matter? Big strong
you, afraid of a little work?

-Oh, he just has to
save his strength

for more important things.

-Right.
-That's not it.

-I mean, all my life,
the creep's ignored me

and treated me like
some redheaded bastard.

-Um -- [Whistles]

-Oh, sorry. It --

Now, all of a sudden,
he calls me up

and asks me to do something.

Tells me I'm old enough to
"take the responsibility."

-What'd you say?
-I told him to do his own work.

-What'd he say?
-Hm.

He said if I didn't do it,
it wouldn't get done.

"Face it like a man."

And I'm not gonna do it.
I mean, what a jerk.

-How much work?

-Turn off the water,
turn off the electricity.

Pour some antifreeze
in the plumbing.

"Any 10-year-old
can handle it."

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Uh, did you say any
10-year-old can handle it?

-It's a snap.
-Nothing to it.

-We can handle that.

-Yeah, how come we didn't know
you had a condo at the beach?

-No way.

-What do you say?

Four days of R&R
at the beach!

-I'm in.
-She's in, I'm in!

-Sounds good to me.

♪♪

-I got a badfeeling
about this.

Hmm...

-Don't forget our arrangement.
-Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry.

Don't know what I'm doing,
you know? Just all...

I really didn't mean to.
Okay? Okay. Bye-bye.

-What's the matter, Ralph?
-Guys, Sue can't come.

-Oh, no.
-Yeah.

Something went wrong
with one of her exams,

and she's just gonna
have to take it over again.

-Oh, God.
-That's terrible.

-Yeah.
-Well, get in.

You can't let that
spoil your trip.

-Where are you going?

-I'm just going in
to say goodbye.

-Hey, no, guys.

I really wouldn't feel right
going without Sue.

-Don't be a jerk.
-Get in the car.

-You're going.
No backing out now.

-No.
-Get in the car.

-Get in the car.
-Hey. There's Sue.

-Hi, guys. Sorry
to keep you waiting.

-Hi, Sue. I'm really
sorry you can't go.

-Yeah, me too.
-Rotten luck.

-What are you guys
talking about?

-Ralph!
-Ooh! Oh, man!

-What a jerk!
-Geez!

-God, I believe him
every time, all the time.

-Come on, guys! Gimme a break!
-Aw, Ralph!

-Besides, let's get
this road trip...

-Aah!
-Aah!

-...on the road!
-Break my car.

-That's okay. It's paid for.
-Come on.

[Engine sputters]

-Come on.

-This car's not convinced
we're going anywhere.

So, my philosophy is,
let's have some beer.

[Laughter]

[Engine starts, all cheer]

-♪ When the leaves of summer
turn to red and gold ♪

♪ And the football games
bring a hint of the cold ♪

♪ Time to get away

♪ We'll pack the car
with escape in mind ♪

♪ Forgettin' our classes,
leavin' books behind ♪

♪ Time to get away

♪ Empty cottage
sittin' on the shore ♪

♪ Tourists all left
about a month before ♪

♪ And we're gonna
have a good time ♪

-♪ Gonna have a good time

-♪ Yeah, we're gonna
have a good time ♪

-♪ We're goin' on a...
-♪ A fall break

♪ Walkin' hand-in-hand
in the moonlight ♪

-♪ In the moonlight

-♪ We'll breathe
the sweet salt air ♪

♪ I swear we're never far

-♪ We're goin' on a...
-♪ A fall break

♪ Runnin' in the sand
feelin' alright ♪

-♪ Feelin' alright

-♪ And when you fall
into my arms ♪

♪ I'll break into your heart

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Hissing]

-[Coughs] Oh, man!

Well, I think
I'll go get some beer.

♪♪

♪♪

[Humming]

♪♪

-Will that be all?
-Maybe.

Hey, how old do you have to be
to get that discount?

-65.
-65?!

Hey, man, now,
that's discrimination!

-It is?
-It sure is.

Look, I'm a law student,
so I ought to know.

That discriminates against me
for being young.

-It does?
-Well, sure it does.

Look, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

If you'll give me
that 10% discount,

I'll go get another six-pack of
beer, and we'll both benefit.

-Now, what do you say to that?
-Sure.

-[Laughs]
-What took you so long?

-Oh, man, wait till you guys
hear about this one.

This is great.
[Laughs]

-They're always great.
-Oh, man!

-Another one of those
smart-ass college kids,

talking themselves into buying
two six-packs instead of one.

-Yep. [Laughs]

-♪ I can hardly wait
to head for the dunes ♪

♪ Spread down a blanket

♪ Humming sweet love tunes
from yesteryear ♪

♪ Not a soul in sight, girl,
ahead and blessed ♪

♪ Bring a radio, a cooler,
and a case of the best ♪

♪ And we'll disappear

♪ And later on maybe,
who knows ♪

♪ We'll swim in the surf
in our birthday clothes ♪

♪ And we're gonna have
a good time ♪

-♪ Gonna have a good time

-♪ Yeah, we're gonna
have a good time ♪

-♪ We're goin' on a...
-♪ A fall break

♪ Walkin' hand-in-hand
in the moonlight ♪

-♪ In the moonlight

-♪ We'll breathe
the sweet salt air ♪

♪ I swear we're never far

-♪ We're goin' on a...
-♪ A fall break

♪ Runnin' in the sand
feelin' alright ♪

-♪ Feelin' alright

-♪ And when you fall
into my arms ♪

♪ I'll break into your heart

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ We're gonna have
a good time ♪

-♪ A fall break

-♪ A fall break,
a fall break ♪

-♪ Ooh, a fall break

-♪ A fall break, a fall break
-♪ Hey, hey, hey, a fall break

-♪ A fall break, a fall break

-♪ Ooh, a fall break

-♪ A fall break, a fall break

-♪ Yeah, fall break!

[Brakes squeal]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Sea gull cries]

-So, this is it, huh?
The famous condo at the beach!

-What do you think?
-Not bad.

-Nah, it's not too bad.
-Yeah, I kinda like it.

Alright, everybody,
let's get this stuff inside!

-Hey, Pam.
Throw me the keys.

Ooh, easy!

Hey, Ralph! Catch!

-Hey, Ed.
I don't need 'em.

This place is wide open.

-So, what's the hold-up?
-Yeah.

-I don't know. Something
just doesn't look right.

-It's nothing.
Just a little mess.

Come on in!

Looks like
we missed the party.

I see my dad had a little help
bringing on his spell.

-What do you mean?

-Well, he likes to come down
with his drinking buddies

and they swap lies
about the good old days

when they were Great White
hunters and macho men.

-Macho, huh?
-Yeah.

Dad used to tell me that he'd
hunted everything but man.

-How long do you think it's been
since they were here?

-I don't know. Last week,
last night, this morning maybe?

-I think we should
call the cops.

What if this place
has been broken into?

-Yeah. What if
they're still here?

-Cut it out, Ralph.
-Besides, there are no cops.

-No cops?

-Well, the cops
are on the mainland,

the Sheriff's Department,

and they come over and patrol
like that guy on the bridge.

There's almost always someone
on the beach patrolling, though.

-"Almost" always?

-Great place to smuggle dope.
-I think we should report it.

-Yeah, how can you be sure
it's your old man?

-Look, nothing's missing.
Let's just don't worry about it.

Avoid the hassle.

-Hey, guys.
Look at this stuff!

-Geez! Would you look
at all this shit?

-Well, rah, rah.
-Look at this.

-That was a record.
28 pounds.

-Mmm-mmm! I'll bet that was
good baked with a little lemon.

-Oh, Dad didn't eat it.

He's what's called
a trophy hunter.

-Well, looks like the party's
over for this joker.

-Ugh!

-Yeah. My dad ran over him
with his ski boat.

An accident.

-What's this thing?

-Uh, that's a gaff.
-What's a gaff?

-Well, when you're fishing,
and you see a big one

up over the side of the boat,
then you hook it in him!

Here.
-Real nice.

[Reel clicking]

-I guess this is what he
caught thatfish with.

-Nope. It's what he caught
this girl with.

-How did you know
it was a girl?

-Yeah!
-When he caught her,

he slit her open, and a couple
of dozen little baby sharks

spilled out on the deck,
all flipping around

with the yolk sacs
still attached.

-Oh, yuck!
-You're sick.

-Nice.

-[Imitating "Jaws" theme]

-Tell us about this.

-This one's great.

One night, Big Ed --
I mean Dad --

and his buddies were all over
here having a drinking party,

and they decided
to have a contest.

"Hey, let's throw pyramid
sinkers through the wall!"

You know, they almost made it.

Well, Dad won the contest,
naturally,

and this was his winning toss.

He was so proud, he nailed
a picture frame around it.

[Chuckles]

-[Chuckles]

-[Chuckles nervously]
Where are the bedrooms?

-Give us a break.

-Upstairs.

♪♪

♪♪

-You're gonna drop it.

[Thud]

[Static hisses]

-Okay.

How many of these people
do you already

want to see tortured and killed
in horribly violent ways?

And in that sense,
it's a pretty decent setup.

You may have noticed
that the title of the movie

on this print is "Fall Break."

Apparently, "Fall Break"
caused immense crowds

to avoid the movie in droves,

and so it was retitled
"The Mutilator" in a rerelease.

But when they rereleased it,
they didn't bother

to stick in another title card.

Indie filmmaking at its best.

People make fun
of the theme song,

which is called "Fall Break,"

but I actually love it.

♪ Gonna have a good time

You know?

Written especially
for this movie.

Stupid college students
heading off to their doom

should always be accompanied

by bubblegum pop rock
with insipid lyrics.

That should be a rule
of all slashers.

Don't you agree, Darcy?
-Yes.

-So, here's the story
on "The Mutilator."

Buddy Cooper is a lawyer

in Morehead City,
North Carolina, and --

well, he's retired now,
but at the time of the movie,

early 80's, he was a pretty
well-known lawyer

in the small coastal town

with a population
of about 4,000 people.

But it's the biggest town

on what they call
the Crystal Coast.

-Outer Banks.
-What?

-I don't know
what you just called it,

but that area is called
the Outer Banks.

-Darcy, I do extensive
research on these movies.

Morehead City is the town
on the mainland,

and then you go across
the bridge to the island.

And the town on the island
is called Atlantic Beach.

And all the rest of the towns
on the island

and on the mainland
are called the Crystal Coast.

-Well, I went there, like,
every year on field trips,

and it's called the Outer Banks.

But go ahead.
-Okay.

So, Buddy Cooper
is a big deal in town

'cause his daddy, Alfred Cooper,

is one of the original investors
in Atlantic Beach in the 1930s.

And in fact, they called him
"the father of Atlantic Beach,"

and he developed it
into the tourist Mecca

that it is today,

the jewel of the Crystal Coast.

-Outer Banks
-And the Cooper family

owned the
Oceanana Family Motel --

I think they still own it --

which opened in 1959

and has its own pier
and a popular restaurant.

So, anyway, Alfred Cooper --

In that scene where
the partygoers are getting ready

to leave for the beach,
you can see Alfred in a cameo.

He looks like a professor coming
out of that college building.

The sign says Hallock Hall.

But it was actually
the Webb Library

in Morehead City.

And so the Cooper family
is kind of royalty

on the Crystal Coast.

-Outer Banks.

-So, Buddy Cooper,

son of Alfred Cooper
and a lawyer,

grows up loving movies.

And in fact, the first time

he ever saw a double feature
in a theater,

it was at the Down East Drive-in
in Beaufort, North Carolina,

because his daddy
was one of the owners of it.

-Beaufort.

-Darcy, I know
how to pronounce "Byu-fort."

-That's the South Carolina
pronunciation.

You're talking about
the North Carolina town

that's spelled the same,
but it's "Bo-fort."

-It's the place where
they filmed "Forrest Gump."

-No, that's the South Carolina
Beaufort,

which is down by Hilton Head.

-You're telling me that
the Carolinas disagree

on the proper pronunciation
of "Byu-fort" or "Bo-fort"?

-Yes, they do.

And of course,
the South Carolina pronunciation

is the right one.
[Laughter]

-Okay, so, Buddy Cooper

goes to a double feature

of "The Wolf Man" and "Dracula"

at the Down East Drive-in...

-Right.
-...in...

-"Byu-fort."

"Bo-fort."
-"Bo-fort."

-Forgot.
-And he becomes addicted

to movies, and he has a special
affection for horror.

And then in the early '80s,

he saved up some money
from his law practice,

and he decides, "Hey,
I'm gonna make a slasher.

How hard can that be?"

-That's really cute.

-And -- Right?
-I know.

-And he has $86,000.

And he thinks that should be
enough money to make the movie,

which, to tell you the truth,
it should have been enough money

to make the movie.

But he ended up
spending $450,000 on it.

And most of that he had to
borrow from Wachovia Bank.

God bless Wachovia Bank,

that they would loan money
for a slasher.

I guess the Cooper family name

had to have something
to do with that, right?

Anyway, I salute Buddy Cooper

for going that far into debt
to get the movie made.

That is a dedicated man,
pride of the Crystal Coast.

-Oh, my God. How many times
are you gonna say that?

-I'm telling you,
that's what they call it.

So, Buddy writes the script.

It's called "Fall Break"

because he had seen a movie
called "Spring Break"

that made a lot of money.

"Spring Break" was one of those

"four guys trying to get laid,
bikini girl" movies.

You know,
that's what I call them.

It was actually directed
by Sean Cunningham.

-Yeah.

-And so I think what
Buddy was trying to do

is combine the bikini genre
with the slasher genre,

but he ended up with 90% slasher
and 10% bikini.

So, I don't know why he bothered
to keep the title "Fall Break,"

but he did.

So, this was one of those
homemade slashers,

and only in America
did we have these.

It reminds me a little bit
of "Slaughterhouse."

Remember when we hosted
that movie?

"Slaughterhouse" was a couple
of guys from San Diego saying,

"Hey, let's make a slasher,"

and then going through
the same agonies

of financing and production
that Buddy Cooper went through.

There was this phenomenon in
the '80s called regional horror.

"Blood Rage" is another one,
made in Jacksonville, Florida.

Guys who just say,
"Let's make a movie,"

and then they don't rest
until it's done.

And on that basis alone,

my hat is off to these
North Carolinians.

-Hey.
-There are no South Carolinians

involved in this project,
Darcy, so just live with that.

"The Mutilator" was made
in the cinematic hotbed

of the Crystal Coast.
-Ugh!

-Roll the movie.

You actually made a movie

on one of the North Carolina
barrier islands, right?

-You know I did,
and you know it sucks.

[Laughter]

-"Beach Massacre
at Kill Devil Hills."

Such a good title.
-It's a great title.

-"Kill Devil Hills."

I mean, obviously you weren't
on the Crystal Coast

or you wouldn't be, you know,
busting me about it.

-All the barrier islands
in all of North Carolina

are called the Outer Banks.

I don't know what the heck
Crystal Coast is,

but you, sir, are misinformed.

-Alright. You know what?

I'm asking
all "Last Drive-in" fans

in Morehead City
and Atlantic Beach

to contact us
and settle it once and for all.

Is it Crystal Coast
or Outer Banks?

Because Darcy
is from SouthCarolina,

so I'm not sure
she can be trusted.

-Some slick advertising
dude just tricked you.

-Besides, you hate the beach.

-I love the beach.
I hate the sun.

I go to the beach at night.

-As do the cast members
in "The Mutilator."

-Yeah.
-And as you may have noticed,

the island has been abandoned.

All the tourists have gone home
for the season.

Nothing going on
for the next few months.

Ohh.
[Laughter]

Trapped on the Crystal Coast
with a killer.

-[Sighs] You are adorable
when you're wrong.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static hisses]

-Don't tell us.
Your dad won

the Halloween costume contest
at the Moose Lodge.

-[Imitates horn]
-No. Wait.

That is a mask of the Mayan
rain god, Chaac.

Dad picked it up on a
hunting trip in Yucatán.

I think he stole it.

You know, the priests were
supposed to wear these

during ritual sacrifices.

-Sacrifices?
-Sacrifices!

[Growls]

-Tell me they sacrificed lambs
and little things like that?

-Yeah, little things like that.

-No, big things like girls.

The victims, young virgins,

were shot with arrows...

or sometimes beheaded.

-Ugh! Take this
away from me!

-[Chuckles] Virgins, huh?

Well, at least we're all safe.

Or are we?

-Jerk.
-Tcckkk!

-What went there?

-Ah, one of my dad's favorite
things -- his battle-ax.

-It's not there now.

-No shit.
-It's missing.

-He probably just
took it with him.

-How can you be sure?
Maybe it was stolen!

-Sometimes he takes his toys
home for a while.

-Well, I'm a little
uncomfortable.

-Christ, who would want it?

Why would they take
just the battle-ax?

-Yeah, why not that
fantastic mask?

-[Chuckles]
-Well, I don't know.

But I'd feel a lot better if
you'd report it to the police.

-Okay, I'll tell you what.

We'll find a phone in the
morning, and I'll call my dad.

If he says he doesn't
have the battle-ax,

then we'll call the Sheriff's
Department on the mainland

and report that the house
has been broken into

and something stolen.

Okay?

-Okay.
-Okay.

Now, let's get
that stuff upstairs.

-Alright. Sounds like
a good idea to me.

♪♪

-Hmm...

-[Laughs] Uh...

Hey, Ralph, want to help carry
some of these things up?

They might get lost upstairs.
It's still a little early.

-[Giggles]

-Hey, Pam,
that's a great idea.

-Uh, need any help
lighting your fire?

Ohh!

-Here's your room.
Why don't you give me those?

-No sooner said than done.

Ahh!

[Chuckles] It's a nice
change, isn't it?

-Mm-hmm.

-Yeah!
Ah, it feels good.

Come here.

Mmm.

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughter]

[Gunshot echoes]

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

-[Squeals]

[Laughs]

-What do you suppose
is in here?

-Trophies, of course.
What else?

-Huh. Yeah, I wonder
where he keeps them.

-Hey, maybe this is
where he keeps the mask

of the sun god, Zeus.

-Yeah, or maybe this is
where he keeps the mask

of the moon god, Goose!

-Ohh! [Giggles]

[Gasps] Geez. That scared
the shit out of me.

♪♪

What do you suppose these
are for?

-To hold the net up.

-Wouldn't think they'd have
to be so sharp, would you?

-I don't know.

♪♪

How do I look
as a fisherman?

-Not bad. But your
rubbers are too big.

-That's the first time
you've ever said that.

-[Giggles]
Here. Catch.

Think you could throw that
through the wall?

-Geez. I don't know,
but I sure would hate

to get hit in the head
with one of these.

-Or anywhere else.

♪♪

-Hey, look at this a minute.

You don't think this is what
ran over that sucker upstairs,

do you?

-No, it's too small
for a ski boat.

-Yeah, too small
for a ski boat.

Now, how about these?

I know what theseare for.

♪♪

♪♪

-Come here.

♪♪

-Linda!
-Yes?

-How about a little
help up here?!

-On the way!

♪♪

-Go on up. I'm right behind you.
-Alright.

[Whirring]

♪♪

[Deep breathing]

-[Laughs]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-That wasn't too bad.

-[Belches]
-That was.

-Say, "Excuse me."
-Man.

-I've had about enough.

-Let's get this mess cleaned up.
-Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Here's a duty roster.
-A duty roster?

-Yep, Ed and I
clean up tonight.

Ralph and Sue tomorrow night,
and so on.

-Come on, sweet meats.
Let's go enjoy our night off.

-Come on.
This is too much.

Let's walk off
some of that food.

-Come on, you guys, let's go
for a walk on the beach.

-Uh, you guys go ahead.
We'll catch up to you later?

-Right.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-One, two, three,
four, five, six.

-I wonder where
Mike and Linda are.

-[Chuckles]

They're out on the beach.

-They've been gone
a long time.

-Now, where did I
put those arrows?

-Cut it out, Ralph.

-No sacrifices tonight.
Eh!

-What are you
so happy about, anyhow?

You've done something.
I recognize thatgrin.

-♪ Oh, you'll see

-Done something cute
to Mike and Linda.

-Quit doing that sort
of thing, Ralph.

-Yeah, when are you
gonna grow up?

-I don't know.

Look, hey, let's take
a break from this game.

It's so easy,
it is boring.

-Easy? You're losing.
-Um, small point.

-I'm ready for a break.

-Suits me.
I'm broke, anyhow.

-Let's catch up
with Mike and Linda!

-Hey, guys!

Mike!

-Linda!

[Ship horn blows in distance]

-Come on.
-Where?

-To the pool, dummy!

-Linda, where are you?

-What's wrong
with the water?

-It looks like it's been
loaded down with chlorine.

-Will that hurt you?

-No, in fact it probably
prevents herpes.

-Oh? I didn't know I had to
be concerned about that.

You, in the pool.

-Hey, where'd everybody go?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

This is great.

-Yeah.

In the pool.

[Static hisses]

-Okay, so we have creepy dad
cuddling his battle-ax

in the condo garage,

and we have lots of nubile
frolicking on the beach,

as well as at the pool
inside a rubber tent.

Buddy Cooper's original idea
for the movie was,

"What if a killer
only used nautical gear

to do his killings?"

So, I guess he was inspired by

movies like
"The Toolbox" Murders,

you know, where Cameron Mitchell

only uses implements found in --
surprise! -- a toolbox.

[Laughter]

So -- But what do you use a
battle-ax for

when you're, you know, fishing
for striped bass or whatever?

Another thing
I don't understand is --

Remember the opening scene,
where Ed Jr. kills his mom

because he's cleaning his dad's
guns as a birthday surprise?

Because, of course,
many kids use that

as a birthday gift for dad.

Then dad comes home
and slaps him around.

Right after that, Dad drags
the dead mom into another room,

pours whiskey down her throat,

and takes the boy's
"happy birthday" sign

and sticks it on Mom.

And the sign said,

"Happy birthday, Daddy,
all cleaned by me,"

which could be interpreted
as some kind of suicide note.

So I thought he was staging
some kind of crime scene,

either to protect his son

or to portray his wife as crazy

or to otherwise create
some kind of false narrative.

You know, just dragging the body
away from where she was killed

is enough to create suspicion,
right?

But apparently, no!

Pouring whiskey down
his dead wife's throat

was just his way
of expressing love.

And the reason I know this is
that the actor playing Ed Sr.,

the crazy dad, talked about it.

That actor is Jack Chatham.

He was a beloved basketball
coach and a PE teacher

at a high school in Greensboro,
North Carolina,

-Yay.
-...before he did this one role

and made horror history.

And Coach Jack said
he was playing the scene

as if the whiskey would bring
his wife back to life, so...

Anyway,
the other weird thing to me

is that Ed Jr. does not seem
very traumatized

by the fact
that he killed his mother.

In fact, he seems the most
upbeat of all the characters,

with the possible exception
of the jokester, Ralph.

You know? But anyway,
the script was written

by Buddy Cooper one summer when
he took a three-week film class

at American University
in Washington, DC.

And Buddy was so impressed
with his professor in that class

that he asked him to come down
and co-direct the movie,

which explains the John Douglass
co-directing credit.

And Professor Douglass
also brought

a bunch of his grad students

to Morehead City
to crew the film.

Almost everybody
working on the movie

was an amateur first-timer,

and most of them were amateur
first- and last-timers.

[Laughter]
But, you know,

sometimes when you have
that kind of do-it-yourself,

let's-make-a-movie camaraderie,
you get this weird tone

that you wouldn't get
any other way.

And I think that accounts
for the continuing interest

in the movie
after all these years.

That, and the fact that
some of the kills are really,

really nasty and gruesome.

One in particular is what caused
the movie to get vilified

by the ratings board,
but no spoilers.

Let's return now to the twisted
world of condo-dwelling,

asthmatic serial killer Big Ed,
who is so deranged

that he keeps a framed picture
of a scuba diver's body

that he ran over
with a speedboat.

[Laughter]

The body in that picture,
by the way,

belongs to Buddy Cooper.

They were doing
the dead-guy makeup on him

while he was lying flat
on his desk in his law office.

[Laughter]

And his secretary kept
bringing him papers to sign

while he was getting
bloodied up.

Anyway, roll the film.

So, Darcy,
since you're flaunting

your Carolina knowledge
tonight...

-Flaunting?
-Yeah.

You're challenging everything
I say about the Carolinas.

What I want to know is,

of all the paradise
vacation destinations

down there in the Carolinas --

you got --
Well, you start in Virginia.

You got Virginia Beach.

You've got Atlantic Beach.

You've got Myrtle Beach.

You got some others.

Which one is
king of vacationland?

-Oh, my God.
Definitely Myrtle Beach.

-You're just being
a South Carolina patriot.

What about Hilton Head?
That's in South Carolina.

-That's for rich people.

-Rich people who play golf,
right?

-Exactly.

But Myrtle Beach was always
a big destination place

when I lived in Charleston.

-Darcy, that makes no sense.

Charleston is

the big destination place
that everyone --

-Yeah, but I grew up
in Charleston.

Myrtle Beach was, like,
a really cool road trip,

and as a kid,
it was like a mini Disney World

with, like, amusement parks,
putt-putt,

and really awesome,
cheap souvenir shops

with, like, sharks that you walk
through to get in.

And then when I -- Yeah.

And when I got older,
I danced there.

-You danced there?
And dancing there was better

than dancing in Charleston
or Hilton Head or...?

-Well, Hilton Head was better
for the money,

but Myrtle Beach was more fun.

-Okay.

So, how do
all these South Carolina places

compare to Atlantic Beach,

where the cast
of "The Mutilator"

lived for a month
at the Oceanana Family Motel

while making the movie?

-No comparison.
South Carolina wins.

-Of course you would say that.

But you dis your own city
when you say Myrtle Beach

is the best coastal
vacation spot

because Charleston has
the RiverDogs baseball team.

And the RiverDogs --

the RiverDogs
are the "Last Drive-in"

of professional baseball.

-How do you figure that?

-Well, on Father's Day,

their promotion is to give away
free vasectomies.

-Oh, that's right.
You did something with them.

-I did do something with them.

I was the host of one-hit
wonder night for the RiverDogs.

We played one annoying,
one-hit wonder hit after another

while relating it
to baseball players

who had only one hit
in their entire careers,

which was mostly pitchers.
-Wow.

That sounds like something
you would research for sure.

-Exactly.
So, I'm telling you,

the Charleston RiverDogs are
the "Last Drive-in" of baseball.

Mike Veeck -- he's the --

he's a genius.
-He's the owner?

-He's one of the owners.

Bill Murray is also an owner
of the RiverDogs.

Bill Murray
sometimes coaches first base.

He used to coach third base,

but they had to take that
away from him

because he would always
send the runner.

The guy --
[Laughter]

The guy would hit the ball
to short right field

and the runner would be
halfway to second

and Bill Murray's windmilling
him around to go for home.

They set some kind of
Carolina league record

for number of players
thrown out at home plate, so...

-Wow. Could we be
more off topic, though?

-No, we could not, but that's
what happens when you feature

a Morehead City movie,
you know?

-No, that's what happens when
youdon't have a time limit.

-True.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static hisses]

[Laughter]

[Ominous music plays]

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

[Romantic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-That's sweet.

-Thank you.

-Does this mean that
if we don't make love,

you'll still like me
in the morning?

-It means,
if we don't make love,

I'll still like you tonight.

-We'll just have to
let the morning see

what the morning brings.

-Oh, heavy.

[Laughs]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, where did everybody go?

-There's a slow echo in here.

[Laughter]

Stay here. I'll get it.

-Tag. You're it.

Bet you can't find me.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Mmm.

Ah, this feels good.

Mmm.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Shit!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Thank God for small favors.

♪♪

What's this?

A little game, eh?

♪♪

♪♪

Gotcha! [Gasps]

Socks. Nice.
What I really want is my...

jacket!

Say, you're pretty good at this.

[Sign creaks]

Thanks!

♪♪

Now this is getting interesting.

♪♪

I think I'm getting
your message.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Geez. Not again!

♪♪

I'm coming...

to get you!

[Buzzing]

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Do you see 'em?
-I thought I saw something.

-Mike!

-Do you see them?
-No. Pam saw something.

-[Gasps]
-Is everything alright here?

-Yeah.
-You just scared me, that's all.

-What are you kids
doing out here

at night on the beach, anyway?

-We're staying at my
father's condo, up that way.

Right here along the street,
the one that runs on the ocean.

Yeah, he was closing
his condo for the winter

when he became ill, and we all
came down to help finish up.

-It's the only one around
here with any lights on.

-I saw some men
around there yesterday.

But their car was gone.

I didn't see
anyone there today.

-Well, somebody
was there today.

When we came,
the door was open

and one of his father's things
was missing!

-Is that right?

-Yeah, but I'm sure my father
just took it home with him.

Look, I'm gonna give him
a call in the morning,

and if it's not right,
I'll report it.

-Alright. I've noted it.

And I'm not gonna make it
official until you call it in.

-Okay.
-In the meantime,

you kids be careful out here
on the beach tonight.

-It's not dangerous, is it?

-Yeah, there's no murderers
or rapers around, are there?

I mean, have you been having
some heavy action lately?

-Are you kiddin'? It's like
a graveyard around here.

-There's some thunderstorms
coming through.

You could get struck
by lightning

walking on the beach
at night.

-Okay.
Thanks for the warning.

-Say, you didn't happen
to see another couple

walking on the beach,
did you?

-No, I'm sorry.

-Well, if you do see them,
don't look.

-Okay. Thanks!

[Thunder crashes]

-Say, how do you suppose he
could sneak up behind somebody

wearing all of that hardware?

-Practice.

[Screams]
Put me down! Put me down!

-Mike!!

-Yeah, I'm investigating
a possible 10-38

at 4 East Ocean Townes.

-Roger, Ben.
We know where you are.

-10-4.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Thunder rumbles]

♪♪

[Thunder rumbles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Aaah!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static hisses]

-Okay, well, it took
Buddy Cooper 36 minutes

to get to the first kill,

not counting the
12-years-earlier setup kill

of Big Ed's wife by Ed Jr.

But once he gets going,
the body parts keep raining down

on Atlantic Beach.

You may have noticed
in the opening credits,

although you probably didn't,

that they had a "special
appearance by" credit,

and that was special appearance
by Ben Moore.

And Ben Moore was regarded
by Buddy Cooper as

"the one true professional
in the cast" because he had been

in the Herschell Gordon Lewis
stock company in the 60s.

He was in
"Two Thousand Maniacs!"

He was in "Suburban Roulette."

He was in "Moonshine Mountain."

He was in "She Freak,"

which I'm not even sure
who directed "She Freak."

I know Dave Friedman wrote it.

And so he was in several
of those grade-Z movies,

and he's the cop
who gets his head cut off.

And for that he gets a
"special appearance by" credit.

He was actually just
a retired guy

living in Morehead City.

It's kind of like saying,

"Hey, you know, who's playing
on our softball team this year?

"Blackie Wilkerson,

"the guy who lost
17 games in a row

"pitching for
the Hagerstown Terriers

in the Class D minor leagues.

The only true professional
on our team."

Anyway, Ben Moore was so proud
of being in the movie

that Buddy Cooper says
he practically sent out

invitations to the shooting
that night.

And at the other end
of the victim spectrum,

we have Morey Lampley as Mike,

the guy who just got
eviscerated with a bone saw.

This was the first in a series
of one movie for Morey.

The cast on the movie
became very close,

but they said
Morey was an exception.

He kept to himself.

He was working
on his tan on the beach.

And then you have
Frances Raines as Linda,

the hottie who gets
strangled in the pool.

She was supposed to be shot
with a spear gun.

She was gonna be
floating on her back

and be shot from below

so that you see the spear
come up out of her chest.

But the night
they were shooting,

they spent a couple hours
trying to make that effect work,

and the mechanism kept getting
jammed by the water.

Plus, they had the problem that
the pool water was too clear

so you could see
the killer underneath her,

meaning you could see
the special effects dude

underneath her.

And so they got some massive
amount of milk from somewhere,

and they threw all this milk
in the water

to make the water cloudy

and to make it more believable
that she could be killed

and carried out of the pool
and Mike wouldn't notice.

Anyway, that actress
is Frances Raines,

grandniece of Claude Rains,

who was the one true
professional in the cast

because she was doing
off-Broadway theater

and regional theater
when they cast her in New York.

She and Matt Mitler,
who plays Ed Jr.,

were both cast in New York.

But she had a knack for playing
beautiful female victims.

She was also the virgin model

raped by an evil alien
in "Breeders,"

she was a battered girlfriend
of a gangster

in "Riot on 42nd Street,"

and she was a severely abused
inmate in "Bad Girls Dormitory."

And then she was not abused
in any way as the lead female

in "Ryder P.I.,"
starring Howard Stern.

The way they cast the movie
is they first ask,

"Okay, who lives
in Morehead City that can act?"

Answer -- Connie Rogers as Sue,
Bill Hitchcock as Ralph,

Morey Lampley as Mike
with the great tan.

"Okay, now, who lives close
to Morehead City that can act?"

Answer -- Ruth Martinez,

a Raleigh native
and a theater major

at East Carolina University
in Greenville,

who plays Pam, the female lead.

"Okay, who in the area

knows special effects
and cinematography?"

Answer -- nobody.

So Buddy went to New York
to find his cameraman,

and he went to L.A. to find
his special-effects guys.

And one of those guys
was Mark Shostrom,

who would go on to do effects

on "Evil Dead II"
and many other movies.

And if you ask Mark Shostrom
today about "The Mutilator,"

he will tell you,
"The best experience I had

in 40 years of making films."

And he's still mad
about not being able

to make that
spear gun effect work.

Okay, back to the movie.

Roll the film.

You know, whenever heads roll
in a movie,

when you do
a full decapitation,

I never believe it,
even if it's done well,

because, first of all,

you would need a guillotine
or something equally powerful

to cut through all that bone
and tissue and muscle.

So, first of all, you need to
just have a believable implement

that can cut your head off.

And then when you do
cut through it,

you have
such a massive wound now,

you have blood and tissue

coming out of the neck
from both directions.

So you need
a huge splatter effect

at the moment of decapitation,
which they never do.

I've never seen one
that they do that way.

And then the lower
half of the head after it's off,

it's gonna get really small.

You know, the stuff is gonna
fall out of the bottom.

It's gonna collapse
from losing mass, you know?

And usually the special effects
guys are very clinical

and precise
about all this stuff.

Tom Savini studied dead
and dying bodies

when he was in Vietnam.

So he knows his open wounds.

But you know what you could do?

You could get one of those
public medical examiners,

you know, one of
those celebrities,

like Vincent Di Maio,

the chief medical examiner
in San Antonio,

or Michael Baden, the guy
who testified in the OJ trial

and the Lana Clarkson case,
the Phil Spector trial.

Anyway, get one of those
top medical examiners,

have him take
an anatomically correct dummy,

but anatomically correct
on the inside

as well as the outside,

and just behead it
in various ways.

I mean, get 10 of them.
Do it about 10 times.

Use an ax. Use a guillotine.
Use a buzzsaw.

Keep cutting the head off
from different angles

and then photograph that

and send it out to all the
special-effects gurus in L.A.

I think movies
would be vastly improved

if we had this knowledge.

-Can I ask you a question?
-Sure.

-Did you really just talk
for 10 minutes

about the scientific accuracy

of a scene
from "The Mutilator"?

[Laughter]

-Well, it wasn't 10 minutes.

-It felt like it.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static hisses]

-Is anybody up for a footrace?

Me too.
-Let's head back.

Lightning is not one
of my favorite things.

-Yeah, that's a good idea.

-Oh, look. What's this?

-That's a skate's egg, sometimes
called the devil's pocketbook.

-Uh, they're said to
attract lightning?

-Right, Ralph.
-Mmm.

-No! No!

You find many good seashells
along here?

-Oh, yeah,
at this time of year

when there's not
too many people around,

the shell-hunting ought to
be pretty good.

-Let's go look for seashells
in the morning.

-Sure.

-Let's hurry up and finish the
game. It's almost bedtime.

-You have a one-track mind.

-I do not.
I have a two-track mind.

-Oh, yeah?
What's the other one on?

-Well, right now it's on sex,
too, but not always.

-I'll bet.

-Uh, you're not complaining,
are you?

-Well, no.
-Right.

-I wish Ralph wouldn't
have so much to say

about my being a virgin.

-Ah, he's just trying
to help me score.

-Score? Is that all we are
to you three? Scores?

-You know better than that.

But for Ralph, it's a necessary
part of a relationship.

-Well, it's not a necessary
part of myrelationships.

-[Sighs] I know.
-What's thatsupposed to mean?

-Well, Ralph, are you ready
to file for bankruptcy,

or would you like to try to drag
it out just a little bit longer?

-Why don't you guys save the
rest of that game till tomorrow?

Come on. Let's do something
all of us can play.

-What'd you have in mind?
-Nothing in particular.

-Anybody got any ideas?
-[Yawns]

It's getting close
to bedtime, isn't it?

-Not yet, tiger.

-[Laughs]

-[Laughs mockingly]
"Not yet, tiger."

[Imitates creaking]

-No more.
I've had enough.

-Enough? You haven't
had any -- Ow!

-She'll do it, too, Ralph.

-Hey, I've got a great idea.

How about a game of
Blind Man's Bluff?

-Alright.
I'll get the beers.

-No, I'll -- I'll get 'em.
Please?

-Pam was gonna
give you a fat lip,

which you
really did deserve.

-Nah, she wasn't
going to do anything.

-Bullshit.

-Blind Man's Bluff?
I don't believe it.

We're going to grope
around in the dark?

-Would you rather grope
in the light?

-Get serious.

-First, everybody
gets a beer.

That's the important part.

Then we turn off
all the lights.

Whoever is "it"
stays in the house,

and the rest of us go outside
and drink a beer.

Then the person playing "it"
hides himself,

and we all come back in
and try to find him.

When we do,
we stand or sit

or lie down next to him.

Finally,
there'll just be one person

wandering around the house,
trying to find everybody else.

-Sounds like great fun.

-You'll see.
You'll see.

Okay.
Now, who's gonna be it?

-Me. I'm gonna be it.
-Alright.

Everybody else, out!

Come on up.

-[Screams]
Put me down, put me down!

[Laughter]

-Oh, the poor little thing.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Sorry, Ralph, you'll have to
go around and play fair,

just like everybody else!

♪♪

-Here we come, ready or not!

Think she's had
enough time?

-Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Creaking]

[Giggles softly]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Any of you guys
want a beer?

[Laughter]

-Yeah, I'll take one.

-Yeah, me too.
-Me too.

-How did you know
we were here?

-Ha! It was the process
of elimination.

-He'd already looked
everywhere else.

-That's right.

Okay, what's next?

-[Yawning]
-[Yawning]

-I get it.

-You know, I'm really
worried about Mike and Linda.

They've been gone so long.

-Hey. Don't worry about
Mike and Linda.

They're just having a good time
enjoying each other's company.

You know, it has been a pretty
long week for all of us,

and they're just relaxing.
Okay?

-Alright.
-Alright. Come on.

-Good night.
-Good night.

-Hi.

-You know, Ralph isn't
such a bad guy after all.

-I know. Told you so.

-I know. It's just that --
[Pants unzip]

Unh-unh.

We have a deal, buddy,
and I'm holding you to it.

-Aw, come on.
-Now, look.

You know how I feel about you,
and I want to.

I really do. You know that.

But I'm just not going to.

Some other time, maybe,

but not here and not now.

-[Groans]

I was thinking that
maybe the atmosphere

of this place would
loosen you up a little.

-Shit!

[Giggles]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Laughs evilly]

[Static hisses]

-I don't think Ed Jr.
explained the rules

of Blind Man's Bluff correctly.

-Does it really matter?

-Well, there's that long
sequence of Blind Man's Bluff

in the middle of the movie.

I think we need to ask
why it's there

and why they're not following
the rules of Blind Man's Bluff.

-We don't need to ask that.
We're good.

-I mean, because
in classic Blind Man's Bluff,

you blindfold one person
and you spin him around.

There was no spinning around
in the version in this movie.

I mean, you spin it around
till he's dizzy,

and then you call out to him.
You give him false clues.

And if he touches you and
identifies who he's touching,

then he can take off
the blindfold

and put the blindfold
on whoever he touched.

Right? Isn't that the rules?

-What's your point?

-Well, you don't just wander
around in the dark,

find each other,
and hide under the table.

What kind of North Carolina
Blind Man's Bluff is that?

-You know?
-Oh, my God.

I'm sure there are a lot
of variations on the game.

-Variations where you
go open the fridge

and offer everybody a beer?
I don't -- You know?

-That's the Morehead City
version, baby.

-Okay. Well, actually, I don't
think you're even supposed

to turn off the lights,
you know,

'cause you're wearing
a blindfold.

Everyone else
should be able to see.

You don't need the lights off,
you know?

-They did it so the killer
could strike in the darkness.

-Well, the killer wanders
around with a crowbar

and doesn't kill anybody because
it's too dark to see anybody.

-They were building suspense.

-That was not suspenseful.
-True.

-I mean, they should have played
Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

-Why?
-Well, because then

you're blindfolded andyou have
a sharp object in your hand.

[Laughter]

-Roll the film.
[Laughter]

-Darcy, I'm supposed
to say, "Roll the film."

-Then say it.
-Alright. Roll the film.

-Thank you.
[Laughter]

-You really shouldn't put
Blind Man's Bluff

in a horror flick,
especially at the one-hour mark,

much less alternate rules
Blind Man's Bluff, 'cause --

Strip poker -- that's what you
put in a horror film.

-Agreed. Yeah.

-Although these people
like board games, so...

strip Monopoly?
-Oh, my God. No.

That would take way too long.

-Strip Scrabble.

-Nobody has enough clothes on
for all those points.

-Exactly.
Everybody would be naked

after the first two words,
right?

-And I am in favor of that.
-Okay. Done.

The next time we make a slasher,

we'll call it
"Walpurgisnacht Break."

[Laughter]

-What would that be, exactly?

-Six college students get
the week off for Walpurgisnacht,

so they go play strip Scrabble

in an isolated cabin
in the Harz Mountains.

But first they skinny-dip
in the River Elbe.

-That is box-office gold
right there.

-You think?
-No.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static hisses]

-Ralph, do you know
what we forgot?

-Wait a minute. I think
I've got one in my pack.

-No, dummy. We forgot
to lock up for the night.

-Lock up? We're the only
people on this island.

-Come on.

-Well, what about
Mike and Linda?

They're still outside,
you know.

-Well, maybe you should
go and try to find them.

At least make sure
they're alright?

And, uh, I've got something
to show you when you get back.

-Oh, Lord.
Goodness gracious.

[Frantic piano music plays]

-[Laughs]

Oh, the kitchen door's
already locked!

As if you didn't know.

-Yes?
-Yes?

-If you hear anyone
wandering around downstairs,

don't shoot.
It's just me.

Going down to lock up.

-Why are you gonna lock up?

There's no one on
the island except us.

-Oh, well, you know.

-What about Mike and Linda?
How will they get in?

-Well, I'm going down
to find them

and tell them the fort's
closing for the night.

If they want to come in,
now is the time.

-Be careful.
-Well, I certainly will.

-[Laughs]

-[Mockingly] "Do you know
what we forgot to do, Ralph?

We forgot to lock up."

Man, if that ain't bad enough,

then I have to open up
my big mouth.

"Yeah, what about
Mike and Linda?"

[Sighs]

"What about
Mike and Linda, Ralph?"

[Beer sloshes]

[Burps, groans]

Mike!

Linda!

Now, where would I be?

Upstairs in bed.
That's where I'd be.

[Sighs]

Uh...

[Whispering] Mike?

Linda?

[Switch clicking]

Shit.

Why am I whispering?

There's absolutely no one
else on this island but us.

[Normal voice] Hey, Mike,
you and Linda come on out now!

We need to lock up
so we can go to bed.

Look. Come on out.

Hey, I'm sorry
for all those tricks

I've ever played on you,
and I promise --

Hey, I promise I'll never play
any more tricks.

[Chuckling]

Well No wonder! Whoo-hoo!

Fallen asleep, huh?

[Thud]

Alright!

[Humming]

Da-dum!

Not yet, huh?

Look, I gotta lock up, 'cause
I got something to see upstairs.

♪♪

♪♪

Whew, boy.

Oh, guys, I'm really
going to hate to do this,

but I've got to make sure
you're okay for the night.

♪♪

Nah.

Even Icouldn't do that.

[Gasps]

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Ed. Ed?

Did you hear something?

♪♪

-Ralph?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Ed. Ed!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

God damn you, Ralph!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Ed. Ed. Wake up.

-Huh? What? What's the matter?
-Shh!

Listen.
Something is wrong.

-What? What is it?
-All the kids are missing.

-What?

-Mike and Linda's bed
has never been slept in,

and Sue and Ralph are gone.
We're alone.

-They're just playing
a game or something.

-Get up and help me
look for the others.

--Leave me alone.

-You've got to get up
and help me!

-Alright. Alright.

Not sleeping together
is one thing.

Not sleeping at all
is something else.

-See?
-[Chuckles] Ralph.

-Come on.
-Alright.

-See?

♪♪

-Ralph?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Both gasp]

-Where have you been?!
Where are the others?!

-I don't know. I'm scared.
Something's wrong!

-Girls, just calm down.

-No, Mike and Linda
have never come back.

Ralph went to go look for them,
and now he's gone, too!

Help me find him!
-Alright. Alright.

-We'll find him.
-Yeah, we'll look around

down here.
-You go upstairs

and get dressed.
-Okay.

-Well, there aren't many places
to hide around here.

-Yeah.

Here. Put this on.
-What for?

-We're leaving!
-[Groans]

-Hurry up, Sue!
-Coming!

♪♪

-Hurry up, Sue!

♪♪

-We can't leave without Ralph.
-Oh, yes, we can. Come on.

-I'm not leaving without Ralph.

-We're just gonna drive over
to the Sheriff's Department

on the mainland.
-We'll be right back with help.

-I'm not leaving!
-You've got to come!

-Let's take one last
look around.

-We'll be right back.
-One last look?

-One last look?
-Alright.

-Okay, you two go around that
side, and I'll go this way.

-Unh-unh, buddy.
I'm sticking with you!

-Why don't you two
go around this side,

and I'll go around that side?
-Make it fast.

-Okay.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static hisses]

-♪ Nothing could be finer
than a hook in my vagina ♪

[Laughter]
Wow.

-Oh, my God.

-That's a Carolina song, right?

What, um --

That actress was Connie Rogers
as Sue taking one for the team.

This is --
[Laughter]

This is the first in a series
of one movies for Connie.

She was done after that amazing

grapple-hook-to-the-crotch
moment...

-Classic.
-...because I imagine

having that as the main scene
on your casting reel

didn't make you a candidate for
the Lifetime Movie of the Week.

But actually, Connie Rogers
was a local girl

from Carteret County

and had no further
acting aspirations,

nor did her boyfriend
Bill Hitchcock as Ralph,

who did an equally excellent job
of taking that pitchfork

up through the neck.

I want to take note of that

because I think
it gets overshadowed

by the touching vaginal
hook moment that follows --

follows the pitchfork
through the neck.

And of course,
the reason it follows

is because Ed Jr. and Pam

tell Sue she has to go with him
to search for Ralph

while wearing her
diaphanous gown.

And then as soon as they get
to the bottom of the stairs,

you know, "Let's split up."

They don't even bother to say
why they're splitting up.

It's just, "Okay, Sue,
time for you to die."

And when they were
shooting the scene,

Connie Rogers was --
she was a trouper.

But she did request
that they only do that one time.

Unfortunately...

[Laughter]

...the cinematographer
Peter Schnall,

had his little sister
working the boom mic,

and halfway through the scene
she started screaming

and she threw the boom down

and she ran out of the room.

And Connie said,
"Oh, God damn it,"

knowing that the take was ruined

and they had to reset
and do it all over again.

You know, the poster
for this movie,

which is a pretty
famous poster --

it has the tag line,

"By sword, by pick,
by ax, bye bye."

-Yeah.

-But I don't remember anybody
dying by sword or by pick.

Plus, what is a pick?

An ice-pick? Pick-ax?

If it was a pick ax,

they already have "ax"
in the tag line.

But nobody's killed
with an ice-pick or a pick-ax.

I mean, we do have
the beloved battle ax.

But why not make the tag line,

"By ax, by spike, by hook,
bye bye"?

In other words, use the actual
killing implements

that are in the movie

and not confuse everybody
with words like "pick."

"What? Somebody got killed
with a water pick?

What is that?
What is a pick?"

-It's the best tag line ever.

[Laughs]

-Are we ever gonna find out
why Big Ed's killing everybody?

No, we are not!
[Laughter]

Buddy Cooper just went full out
Michael Myers on this one.

He's crazy and he's sneaky
and he's brutal.

That's all you need to know.
-Hell, yeah.

-So -- And you like it that way.

-I do.
And I love that tag line.

-You hate exposition in general.

-Yes.
-You hate logic.

-Most of the time, yes.

-It's just, he's creepy
and he has weapons.

You're dead.
-Yeah.

[Laughter]

-Then let's see who survives
in the stunning conclusion

to "The Mutilator."

Roll film.

How many times have
they reminded us

that Pam is a virgin?

-Too many.

-Wouldn't you like
to see a slasher

where all the virgins die

and the heroine says,
"I'll sleep with anything"?

-Yes. Let's make that movie.
I am so in.

-Because, really, why is there
this Puritan streak in horror?

It doesn't really make sense.

-You don't have
some complicated

psychological explanation
for this.

-Actually, I do,
but you don't want to hear it.

-No. I know. I don't.
[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static hisses]

-Ralph?!

-Sue?

Sue?

Sue?

[Screams]

Oh, God! Oh, God!
Ed, cover it up, cover it up!

-Uh, uh, okay, okay.

-[Sobbing]

♪♪

[Screams] Oh, God!

♪♪

-We've got to
get out of here.

♪♪

♪♪

-No, no! Let me out of here!
-Shh!

Let me out of here.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Laughing evilly]

-Just stop!
Leave him alone!

[Grunts]

-No!

N-o-o-o-o-o!

♪♪

-[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughs evilly]
-Stop!

-[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Groans]

♪♪

-[Grunting]

Pam! Get me out of this!

Get me out of this!

♪♪

-Come on.

♪♪

Let's get out of here.

♪♪

♪♪

-You're gonna have to drive.
-Okay. Okay. Come on.

♪♪

♪♪

You think he's dead?

-Hell yes, he's dead.
They're all dead!

I can't believe it.
-Give me the keys.

♪♪

-Pam.
-[Sobbing]

♪♪

How bad are you hurt?
-Pretty bad.

I've got to get to a doctor.
I'm feeling funny.

-Oh, you poor thing.
-Let's just get out of here.

-Okay.

[Engine sputters]

Aw, come on!

-Quit pumping the gas!
-Now what?!

-Great! It's flooded!

Just give it a few seconds.

-Don't you have a handkerchief
or something?

-Yeah.

Here.

-Here. Let me have your belt.
-Okay.

♪♪

♪♪

Thanks.

Why don't we turn off
the headlight?

It'll save the battery.

-Ed.
-Yeah?

-Look!

Aah! Come on. Come on!

[Engine sputtering]

Oh, come on!

[Screams]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-Pam, start the car!

For Christ's sake,
start the car!

-I'm trying!

[Engine sputtering]

[Both screaming]

-We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!

[Screaming]

-Oh, God! No!

♪♪

♪♪

Get out, you son of a bitch!
Come on!

♪♪

I'll get it!
I'll get it!

-[Screaming]

[Tires screech]

-Look! Look!

Help! Help!

Look. Look. Look.

♪♪

-Help!
-No!

♪♪

-N-o-o-o-o!

[Screaming]

[Groaning]

-[Sobbing] Jesus Christ.

That's my dad.

♪♪

Pull forward!

♪♪

♪♪

-Watch out!

[Screaming]

-[Laughing evilly]

♪♪

[Siren wailing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Dr. Ferrell,
Dr. Cooper, Dr. Winborne,

report to emergency reception,
code blue.

♪♪

-How is she?
-About the same.

♪♪

[Indistinct speaking over P.A.]

♪♪

Hi.

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ When the leaves of summer
turn to red and gold ♪

♪ And the football games
bring a hint of the cold ♪

♪ Time to get away

♪ We'll pack the car
with escape in mind ♪

♪ Forgettin' our classes,
leavin' books behind ♪

♪ Time to get away

♪ Empty cottage
sittin' on the shore ♪

♪ Tourists all left
about a month before ♪

♪ And we're gonna
have a good time ♪

-♪ Gonna have a good time

-♪ Yeah, we're gonna
have a good time ♪

-♪ We're goin' on a...
-♪ A fall break

-♪ Walkin' hand-in-hand
in the moonlight ♪

-♪ In the moonlight

-♪ We'll breathe
the sweet salt air ♪

♪ I swear we're never far

-♪ We're goin' on a...
-♪ A fall break

♪ Runnin' in the sand
feelin' alright ♪

-♪ Feelin' alright

-♪ And when you fall
into my arms ♪

-♪ I'll break into your heart

♪♪

[Buzzing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static hisses]

[Laughter]

♪♪

-Well, you can't have enough

of that "Fall Break" theme song,
can you?

[Laughter]
-And, Darcy,

that is one of
the most amazing cosplays.

[Laughter]

But it is an important
moment in film history.

I think that kill is unique.

-It's amazing. Yes.

-And I don't think anyone has
ever done that in a film before.

Anyway, on the theme song,

that's Michael Minard
doing the vocals.

And Michael also does

the point-of-view-camera
heavy breathing.

You know, you would think
that serial killers

trying to sneak up on people

would be absolutely silent,
right?

But they all do that...
[Imitates heavy breathing]

[Laughter]
Yeah, I can't do it.

Good job, Michael.

The movie was edited and scored

in the famous Brill Building
in New York City,

legendary among music people.

That's the site where
all the great songwriting teams

worked back in the days

when there were
songwriting teams.

[Laughter]

You know, Kander and Ebb

and Rodgers and Hart

and Burt Bacharach
and Hal David

and Ashford & Simpson

and Hall and Oates

and George and Ira Gershwin

and Lerner and Lowe

and Comden and Green

and Gilbert and Sullivan

and Leopold and Loeb.

And I love theirmusic.

-What are you doing?
-Pay attention, Darcy.

Leopold and Loeb
were thrill killers, alright?

-Okay.
-Anyway, Michael Minard,

the creator of the peppy
slasher anthem "Fall Break,"

did it alone
in the Brill Building.

In the original --
In the original script,

Big Ed was supposed to be
cut in half by a drawbridge

as it closed up
in that final scene, you know?

But Buddy -- And Buddy Cooper
had gotten all the permissions

to do that scene,
and then at the last minute,

the state of
North Carolina said,

"We don't really want to be
associated with your film."

And they refused to close off
the drawbridge for him,

even after
they'd agreed to do it.

So, more bad luck for Buddy,
because what the fuck?!

I mean, Dino De Laurentiis
had built that giant studio

in Wilmington
because North Carolina

wanted the film industry
to come there, right?

So they pick on
the local talent.

They mess with them
on permissions.

David Lynch comes in
to shoot "Blue Velvet."

They closed down
half of Wilmington

so he can do one car stunt,
you know?

But anyway, that had to be
really, really annoying

for Buddy.

Morehead City's like what --
Where is More--

It's like two hours up the coast
from Wilmington,

which, you know --
They were trying to make

Wilmington into Hollywood East.

You know, it's a two-hour drive
up to Crystal Coast.

-Oh, my God.
There is no Crystal Coast.

-I'm telling you,
there's a Crystal Coast.

So, anyway, they went ahead
and they cut Big Ed in half,

but the way they did it
was not nearly as spectacular

as doing it on a drawbridge.

So, the only survivors were Ed,
played by Matt Mitler,

the New York actor
who would go on

to be a hardworking
voiceover artist --

He voiced a lot
of the characters

for the "Pokémon" TV series.
-Nice.

-And Pam was played
by Ruth Martinez,

who became a theater teacher,
high school drama teacher.

And by the way,
the police officer

who gets his leg
cut off at the end --

that's John Bode, a Raleigh
attorney and a Vietnam vet

who was indeed missing a leg.

He lost his leg in the war.
-Aw.

-So, as I said before,
the MPAA ratings board

refused to classify the movie
as anything but X.

So Buddy Cooper decides
to release it unrated,

and that becomes
a financial disaster.

It made some money
in New York and L.A.,

but the rest of the country
would not take it

'cause theaters wouldn't play
anything unrated

and newspapers wouldn't take
the advertising.

But Buddy was undaunted.
[Laughter]

Remember, he thought he could
make the movie for the $84,000

he had saved up
from his personal funds?

But by the time
they went through editing

and got to the final version,

the total bill was $450,000.

So he had borrowed $386,000 --

$366,000 from Wachovia Bank.

So now he decides,
"I'm not going to give up

just because of that
stupid X rating."

So he goes
back into the editing room.

He cuts down the gore.

He ends up with a version
he can release as R-rated.

Then he has to spend
another $200,000

making 75 prints

and paying the interest
on the loans.

So, when he finally
paid off Wachovia Bank

a couple years later,

all the officers of the bank
lined up to shake his hand

'cause apparently they had been
extremely worried at that bank

about their first venture
into slasher film finance.

-Wow.

-The bad news is
that editing the kills

to satisfy the MPAA
destroyed the movie.

So it sat there unloved
for almost 30 years.

But then Buddy gets redeemed.

And you're going to love this,
Darcy.

After the uncut version
came out on Blu-ray,

the film started to develop
a cult following,

and that encouraged
Buddy Cooper.

And last summer he wrapped
production on "Mutilator 2."

He's not just talking about it.

He wrapped production.
-I know.

-Featuring both Bill Hitchcock
and Ruth Martinez

from the original cast,

but, more important, featuring
Terry Kiser as the killer,

the same Terry Kiser
who starred as the villain

in "Tammy and the T-Rex."
-Yep.

-And the male lead

is Damian Maffei
from "Haunt," so --

And it was shot
in Atlantic Beach,

almost entirely at the Cooper
family motel, the Oceanana.

And once again,
the budget is entirely

out of Buddy's bank account,

but this time
it's $1 million, so...

-I'm so excited.
Do you know when we can see it?

-He doesn't have
distribution yet.

I think it may still be
in post-production,

but don't you think some
big-shot streaming service

should snap it up?

-Why, yes, I do think that.

-'Cause you're a major fan
of "Mutilator."

-Yes.
I watch it every Thanksgiving.

It's so fun.
It has awesome kills

and one of the best
tag lines ever.

-You love that tag line.
-I do.

-"By sword, by pick,
by ax, bye bye."

What is a pick?
What is a pick?

-It's the big pointy
hammer thing.

A pick.
-Is there a pick in the movie?

-Is there a sword
in the movie?

-No.
-So it doesn't matter.

I'm so glad we are
finally showing this

so that people can stop guessing
that we're showing it.

-Okay.
-Oh, my God.

-Salute to the Crystal Coast.

-Outer Banks!
[Laughter]

-What would you say

in the subgenre
of Outer Banks horror --

because that is a subgenre --
[Laughter]

What are the best ones?

Obviously, "Beach Massacre
at Kill Devil Hills,"

you know, featuring two or three
topless scenes starring you.

That has to be number one.

-Well, that would be number 95.

I'd have to say
"The Mutilator," obviously.

But there is one called
"Outer Banks Slasher."

-Is it any good?
-No one knows.

It's really new.

And "Kill Devil Hills"
is out new.

-A movie called
"Kill Devil Hills"?

-Mm-hmm.
-A remake of your classic?

-No. It's a real place.
It's right --

It's right over by Kitty Hawk,
North Carolina.

-Has there been a horror movie
about the Wright brothers?

[Laughter]
-Not that I'm aware of.

-What about
"Misty of Chincoteague,"

the sweet story
of the swimming ponies

on one of those barrier islands?

-That's in Virginia.
We don't count Virginia.

-You don't count Virginia?
Virginia's not Outer Banks?

I think Virginia is Outer Banks.

-Virginia is Virginia.
[Laughter]

-Alright, well, you're such
an expert on the whole area.

We'll have to have --

We'll have Crystal Coast
horror night, and --

-You are just trying
to annoy me.

You want some mail?
-Yeah, let's do mail.

-Alright.
Here is a very nice letter

from Daniel -- oh, boy --
Bein, I believe...

-Okay.
-...of Columbia, South Carolina.

-Oh, come on.
Are you kidding me?

Stop with the Carolinas.
You know, it's Carolina night.

-Whoo, whoo! Represent!
-[Sighs]

"Dear Joe Bob,
I recently watched

the "Vicious Vegas Valentine"
episode,

and it was really touching
to see Oliver and Shelby

tie the knot,
with Joe Bob Elvis officiating,

and to watch them express their
love for each other

as members of the Mutant Family.

As a custom toy maker,

I thought Joe Bob Elvis deserved
to be an action figure,

and I hope you enjoy it.

I used to watch "MonsterVision"
back in the day,

and for years after I would
randomly bring you up to people

and ask
if they remembered the show.

Whenever someone got excited,
I immediately knew

that we probably had a lot
in common.

"MonsterVision" is where I first
saw many of my favorites,

including the "Friday the 13th"
series,

despite the fact that you could
not obtain part 4.

When "The Last Drive-in"
started,

I remember being ecstatic
to see that you had come back

to hosting movies

and immediately subscribed
to Shudder.

It was like an old friend
that had returned

to remind us
that we all share a love

for all things weird
and different

and that we're not alone.

The show also brings back
memories of me and my dad,

who has since passed away.

We were going
to local video stores

and renting the most
absurd-looking horror movies

we could find."

That's his image of our show --

the most absurd-looking horror
movies that can be found.

-Hell yeah, it is.
-Alright.

"Occasionally,
one of those movies

pops up in the 'Last Drive-in"
rotation.

Also, a huge shout-out to Darcy,

as a native Charlestonian."

-Whoo, whoo!
[Laughter]

-"Thanks so much --"

What is it with you
Carolina people?

"Thanks so much to both of you,
as well as the entire crew.

Sincerely, Daniel Bein,
Columbia, South Carolina."

When will it stop?

Why don't you all
just get shirts

and go to day camp together
'cause --

-That's an awesome idea.
Awesome. Day camp.

-And we also have
the final action figure

of Elvis Joe Bob.

Ta-da!
-I love it. It looks amazing.

-So, you know, he made that
pretty fast, you know?

-Yes.

-[As Elvis]
Thank you very much.

-Aww.
[Laughter]

-You would buy it
just to support

South Carolina folk art, right?

-Yeah. And look.
Look at your little AEW belt.

-Okay, Daniel, thanks so much.

I'm happy to report
that it's been 98 days

since Oliver and Shelby were
married on "The Last Drive-in"

in a cheap Vegas wedding chapel.

And they are still married.

-Yay!
-They were awesome.

And their families had
to sit through "Nekromantik,"

and they were okay with that.

The families probably
were not okay with that.

But Shelby and Oliver
were willing to torture

their families for the sake
of the Mutant Gospel.

-There's a Mutant Gospel?

-No, but I felt like a
preacher in that Elvis jumpsuit.

-Oh, man. The whole thing --
it was adorable.

-Alright. Our next movie
is one of the greatest

South Carolina films.

Only kidding.
Alright.

We're going way far away from
the Carolinas for our next movie

and way far away from '80s
slash-- actually, maybe not.

Now that I think about it,
it is an '80s slasher.

But you will want
to stay up for this one.

But right now,
I'm Joe Bob Briggs signing off

by reminding you
of Weinberg's second law.

If builders built buildings the
way programmers write programs,

then the first woodpecker
that came along

would destroy civilization.

But the drive-in, on the
other hand, will never die.

Alright.

Have I told you the one
about the voodoo dick?

-[Laughs]
Apparently, you have not.

[Laughter]

-Kids are not up
this late, right?

It's already late enough.
I can do this. Austin?

-Yeah, go for it.
-Alright.

Man's going on a business trip,

but first he stops off
at a witch doctor

because he has a problem.

He explains to the witch doctor

that his wife has
a very high sex drive

and he wants to make sure
she can satisfy herself

while he's gone on his trip.

So the witch doctor says,
"I have just the thing for her."

He pulls out this box
and he says,

"This is called a voodoo dick.

It's quite easy to use.

Just say 'voodoo dick'

and then whatever part of your
body you want it to penetrate,

and the dick will just
go for it."

So the man buys the voodoo dick

and he gives it to his wife
before leaving on his trip.

And the day after he's gone,
the wife decides to try it out.

She reads the instructions,

and she says,
"Voodoo dick, my vagina."

Sure enough, the voodoo
dick starts taking care of her.

Feels great,
keeps going for a long time.

Wife gets off, but then she
realizes she has a problem.

She doesn't know what to say
to make the voodoo dick stop.

So, the witch doctor's address
is on the box.

So she hops in her car and she
starts trying to drive there.

But the voodoo dick
is still going strong.

It's still going at it.

So she's swerving
all over the road,

and eventually
she gets pulled over.

The cop comes up to the car,
and he says,

"Have you been drinking?"

And he's a really stern cop,
you know?

"You were just
all over the road."

And she says, "No, officer,
you don't understand.

This is a medical emergency.

This voodoo dick
won't stop fornicating with me."

And the officer
doesn't believe her.

He kind of scoffs and sneers,
and he says,

"Voodoo dick, my ass."

[Laughter]

-Oh, yeah.
-I mean, it was great.

-I actually toned that down
just a little bit.

-You never have to tone it down.
-Alright.

We have 6-year-olds watching,
okay?

-And then they'll be
the most popular kids at school

on Monday.
-Oh, yeah.

Their parents will be arrested,

and all the other kids
will think that's cool.

Alright.
-Well, it's really sweet

that you want to protect the
kiddies, but it's really okay.

I promise.
-Alright. Okay.

Four Mongolian gynecologists
with giant dicks

walk into a bar...
-Whoa! I didn't say --

I didn't say tell another one.

-Oh, okay.

-Moderation.

-Okay, I'll save that one

for 3:00 a.m.
at the next convention.

-Good plan. Yes.