All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-In.With.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S20E06.Tigers.Are.Not.Afraid.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

Okay. Bienvenidos.

Welcome back to
the second half of our

Cinco de Mayo Horror Fiesta.

I feel like the mayor
of Piedras Negras tonight,

leading people into the
back alleys of Mexican culture,

because -- You ever been
to Piedras Negras, Darcy?

I don't think I even know
where that is.

It's the border town
across the Rio Grande

from Eagle Pass, Texas.

Sure. Everyone knows
where that is.

No, it's the birthplace
of the nacho.

Oh, yeah!

Then of course
I've been there. Of course.

[Laughter]

Because when you drive
into Piedras Negras --

And I never drive in.

I always park on the American
side and walk over.

But when you enter
Piedras Negras,

at first, it looks pretty much
like every Mexican border town.

It has the walk-up hotels.
It has the rundown cathedral.

It has the souvenir shops.

It has those little boxy offices

that say "Dentista" and
"Abogado" on the sign.

What is the connection
between dentists and lawyers?

All you see is dentist, lawyer,
dentist, lawyer.

dentist, law-- Why do they have
so many dentists and lawyers

right where you enter
border towns?

Oh, I know the answer
to that, actually.

You do?

Because I get all my
dental work done in Mexico.

You're kidding.Mnh-mnh.

of the cost
of what you would pay here.

Like, a big difference.

Where do you do this?Tijuana, baby.

Tijuana?
That is hardcore, Darce.

Isn't that one of
the major cartel cities?

Isn't there a cartel called
the Tijuana Cartel?

I mean, maybe,

but it's worth it
for those dental prices.

What about the abogados?

Do you get all your legal work
done in Tijuana also?

I have no idea
about the lawyers. Sorry.

Anyway, when you enter
Piedras Negras,

about a block after you pass
the border guard --

There's only one border guard.

He's probably watching TV
in his little booth.

They don't really pay
much attention to you.

You see this flapping banner
up on top of an adobe-and-tile

building, and it says

"Bienvenidos a Piedras Negras
la cuna de nacho,"

which means,
"Welcome to Piedras Negras,

birthplace of the nacho."

Well, who can resist that?

I mean, of all tourism images
that you would want to

project for your city,

that's the one
that they choose, you know?

So what a cool city.

Piedras Negras is the
"Last Drive-in" of

Mexican border towns.

They went for the geekiest
pop-culture totem

as a way to say,
"Let's party," you know?

So, isn't that what
we do here?

I think so.So I couldn't resist.

The first time I saw it,
I went on a mission

to find the place
where that first nacho was made.

You did not.I did.

[Laughs] Nerd.Super-nerd.

I mean, it turned out
to be this restaurant

called the El Moderno.

And I spent
a lot of time there.

And it's actually really --
It's kind of a fancy restaurant.

You wouldn't expect
the birthplace of the nacho

to be that fancy,
but this restaurant is decorated

like somebody's idea of a

Miami supper club around 1948
or something.

It has a piano player
in a tuxedo,

and he's playing songs like
"The Last Time I Saw Paris."

And I got
so wasted on margaritas,

because sometimes, I forget

when you order
a margarita in Mexico,

it's 17 parts tequila,
15 parts triple sec,

and 1/10
of one part lime juice.

I mean, they do not water
down the drinks in Mexico.

And so after a certain point,

I realized I had already
eaten all the nachos.

I went there to order nachos,
you know?

So, I'd already eaten
all the nachos I ordered,

and I didn't remember
the nachos.

I was going to --
I was planning to write --

you know, write about it,
talk about it.

So I had to order more.

Okay, that is one of the
worst stories you ever told.

I'm sorry.

But I'm going to relate this
to the movie, I promise.

I doubt it,
but go ahead.

Alright.
See, I love border towns.

When you grow up in Texas,
you learn all the border towns.

And the ones on the Mexican side
are always much cooler

than the ones on
the American side, like Ojinaga.

Have you ever heard of that one?

You can park on the sidewalk
and have kids bring you

cervezas,you know,
or Nogales --

The bartender
at the Cafe Ajijic

will run bets over to the sports
casino for you if you tip him.

So, anyway, I knew there was
some kind of legend

that the godfather
of the nacho

lived in Piedras Negras
or something.

But until I saw that banner,
I didn't have any idea

that it was a source
of civic pride.

So I popped into the office
underneath the banner,

and they had
some faded brochures there

that seemed to be
promoting some Catholic shrine.

It wasn't --
The Catholic shrine

wasn't even in Piedras Negras.

It was in Guerrero or somewhere.

And, so, after a few minutes,
the actual

Directora de Turismo
came out to greet me.

The actual director of tourism
in Piedras Negras.

And she kept apologizing
for her broken English,

but she wanted to impress me
with the wonders

of Piedras Negras.

And so she says, "You know,
most important for our town

is that the nacho
was born here.

And the 1st of October, we crown
a nacho queen for that year."

And so I told her --
I said, "I'm sorry.

I'm going to miss the crowning
of the Nacho Queen."

But I was very impressed that
the actual director of tourism

comes out to greet
this random visitor.

So, she gives me this brochure,
but it was in Spanish,

but it had a cartoon
drawing of a talking nacho,

and it was really cool.

And I puzzle through
the text of it,

but all it says is
"Home of the nacho."

And in October, they cook
the world's largest nacho

every October
and they eat it.

And I said, "But I want to know
the origin story

so I can, like, write
about this and talk about it."

And she says,
"Well, this man named Ignacio,

nicknamed 'Nacho'
invented it."

And it was -- And she says,
"I think it was in the '40s."

And, so, I didn't
like her saying "I think,"

like she didn't know
the true, authentic story.

And, so, she sends out
for another guy

and another guy
and another guy.

Eight hours later,
I end up at Moderno.

I finally found out,
okay, it's at this place.

It's at Moderno.

And I'm saying,
"You got to spill

the true nacho origin story."

Okay, long story short.

Too late for that, baby.Alright.

Long story short,
they don't really know

the origin story at Moderno
other than that's the restaurant

where the first nacho
was created, because Moderno --

it has a canopied entrance way.

It leads to this hallway,

and it has a big
Great Buddha in the hallway.

Well, Buddhas don't really
give you that

"I'm in Mexico feeling,"
you know?

And then the dining area
has all these mirrors,

like Hugh Hefner's bedroom.

And the decor is a mixture of
orange, blue, and red

that reminds you
of a velvet painting.

And -- But the great thing
is, the waiters --

they swarm your table
like a tuxedo army.

One thing that's never
bad in Mexico is service, man.

And the waiters --
they all want you to eat

this super-sized bass
that they serve there,

which seems to be some kind of
local specialty fattened up

by whatever grows
at the bottom of the Rio Grande.

I don't know what it is.

And so they're disappointed
when I'm interested

just in the four varieties
of nachos on the menu.

And I finally say to the waiter,
"I want nachos,

but I want the 'la cuna de
nacho' nacho, whatever that is."

And I see this expression
on his face like, "Oh, God!

It's one of those guys
who want the 1940 nacho,"

which is very accurate.

That is what I was there to do.

Except it turns out to be
a 1939 nacho,

which I will explain
in just a minute.

So, before I tell you
what it tasted like,

because I know you're waiting
for that revelation, Darcy.

I am waiting
for so many things,

and that is not
one of them.

Well, none of the waiters
knew the actual story,

so I had to --
I hit every beer joint,

saddle shop,
liquor wholesaler,

purveyor of garden pottery
in all of Piedras Negras.

And, finally,
I find one of those markets

that has the giant
Day of the Dead

zombie sculptures

and the masked Mexican
wrestler toys

and those blue -- You know
those blue cobalt glasses

that are so thick you could

fracture a coyote skull
with them?

It's like -- And this place
is surrounded

by these loud pool halls,
where there's fistfights,

and those blow-your-face-off
mariachi bands are everywhere

and what they call ladies bars,

which is -- it's these
old-fashioned wooden saloons.

They look just like saloons
in the Old West,

where a pretty
rough crowd guzzles beer

while watching strippers,
you know?

And so, finally,
I'm in this bar called Bar.

That's all it said on the sign.

And this old-timer says,
"I know the story of the nacho.

I can tell you."

And, you know, if the nacho
had been born in America,

they would have had
the whole story

on a historic plaque, right?

In a hipster coffee shop
or something.

But I like that Mexico sticks
to the oral traditions.

You have to go find the guy.
So, here's the story.

This had better be
fucking amazing.

Okay.
Here's the story.

In 1939, a party of hunters
wander into Moderno

at 1:00 in the morning,
which is not so strange

because Piedras Negras
is surrounded by hunting lodges,

where people go to shoot dove
and pheasant and deer and turkey

and quail and wild pig.

Hogzilla!
Hogzilla! Hogzilla!

[Laughter]

How could you
possibly be paying

that close attention to --
Are you waiting your entire life

to say "Hogzilla"
because I mentioned a pig?

And, also, you can shoot
mountain lion down there.

And so --

You can kill
mountain lions in Mexico?

You can actually hunt
mountain lions in Texas.

You don't have to go
to Mexico to do that.

But that's not the point.

That is terrible.What? Shooting lions and pigs?

Shooting anything
for sport is bad.

Okay. Alright.

You want me
to ever finish this story?

I mean, not really.

Pigs bother me
just as much as lions do.

Hogzilla! Hogzilla!
Hogzilla!

Are you doing that?
Are you doing that on purpose?

Are you mentioning that --
Because we're talking wild pigs,

javelinas.

Hogzilla! Hogzilla!
Hogzilla!

It doesn't matter.
Any pigs.

Alright, alright.
Look, it's 1939, okay?

Maybe they don't do it anymore.

You just said that they do.Okay.

The hunters come into Moderno
after a long day of hunting,

and Ignacio Anaya,
who is nicknamed Nacho,

is the only cook on duty,

and he has nothing
to serve these hunters.

So he takes some corn tortillas

and he cuts them four ways
and he fries them.

And then he puts
a piece of jalapeño pepper

on each piece

and he puts a huge chunk
of Wisconsin cheese.

Now, the guy telling
the story said,

"It has to be Wisconsin cheese.

If it's not Wisconsin cheese,
it's not a real nacho,"

which is kind of strange,
because Wisconsin is like

a million miles away,
up by Canada.

And is Wisconsin cheese
really a thing?

I mean, I know they make
a lot of cheese, but --

Oh, my God, dude.

Aren't the different
Wisconsin cheeses

named according to where
the cheeses come from

or what color they are
or something besides just,

you know, "made in Wisconsin"?

I don't know. But, anyway,
that's Wisconsin cheese.

But, anyway, so, Nacho, the
maker, uses Wisconsin cheese,

and then Ignacio makes
this concoction in the oven.

And, viola, the nacho is born.

So, at Moderno today, if you ask
for nachos "the old way,"

they have them just like that.

Holy shit.

There better be more
to that story.

Darcy, I am describing
the birth of the

heaviest, unhealthiest
snack food ever devised.

Pure cholesterol,
both fried and baked,

and smothered in the richest
dairy product on the continent.

I loved it, of course,
you know,

especially with
the Patrón margarita

that they will serve
right along with it.

So, by 1:00 a.m.,
I'm asking the piano player

to do "My Way" in Spanish.

And, you know,
I'm ordering a Cohiba,

which, in Piedras Negras,
a Cohiba is 8 bucks.

And you can smoke the Cohiba
while you're eating nachos

and drinking Patrón.

You cannot do that in America.

Does it get any better
than that?

I don't think so.

That's very you.Alright.

Are you are you done now?I think so.

Are you done?

Yes.

Okay.Sí.

What does that
unending nacho rant

have to do
with the movie tonight?

Okay.

This movie was inspired

by the Texas
border town of Juárez.

Are there nachos
in this movie?

No.That's it?

The Juárez Drug Cartel

has been featured
in two series on AMC,

"Breaking Bad"
and "Better Call Saul."

But Issa López,
the director of tonight's movie,

noticed something that was
rarely talked about

in the writers' room
for those two shows.

Issa López noticed

that they never followed
the orphans on the streets,

who had their own gangs
and their own ways of surviving,

because beyond the tens
of thousands of dead people

created by the drug wars,

there were all these kids
out there who had no place to go

because their parents
were executed.

And she was especially aware
of the child gangs in Juárez,

and that led her
to write and direct

"Tigers Are Not Afraid."

And Issa is a horror fan.

I don't know that
she's a Mutant,

but she does follow
our Twitter

and she sometimes chimes in
with observations and insights.

So, she did a really brave
thing with this movie.

Horror films
can come from two places --

real violence
and supernatural violence.

Issa López says, "Why not both?"

So she takes the horror
of the real world

and she combines it
with the horror of fairy tales

and she --
Because it's about kids.

And she creates this movie

that comes back to haunt you
long after you've seen it.

And it was a movie
that nobody wanted to make.

Fortunately for us,
Issa was well-known in Mexico

as a comedy writer --
not just a comedy writer,

but a writer of very popular
romantic comedies, rom-coms.

The very first movie she wrote,
in 2003, was called

"Ladies' Night,"
and it was the most successful

Mexican film of that year

and the fifth-highest-grossing
Mexican film in history.

And when she finally got
her chance to direct, in 2006,

she made a film called
"Efectos Secundarios,"

about four women
going through mid-life crises

as they relive their
high-school graduation party.

And that movie became

the second-highest-grossing film
of that year

and it won 12 nominations
for the Mexican Film Press Award

and two nominations
for the Ariel,

which is Mexico's Oscar.

And then her
second directing effort,

"Casi Divas," in 2008, was about
four women who enter a contest

to replace a popular character
in a telenovela,

which is the most popular
form of entertainment

in Mexico -- soap opera --
and in the course of that story,

the script deals
with food disorders,

plastic surgery,
sexual harassment,

casting couches, racism,

all these issues,
gender discrimination.

And that was
an incredibly popular film.

But now she wanted
to do something

that she really cared about.

She didn't want to do
the rom-coms anymore.

So she started
writing this movie

about orphan child gangs
in cartel towns,

even though she knew nobody
was going to want to do a story

that real, much less
a horror film that real.

And she said she knew nobody
would pay her to write that,

and so she wrote one scene
each morning

before she got out of bed.

She would not allow herself
to get out of bed.

She would just take
the laptop over to the bed

and she wouldn't let herself
get out of bed

until the scene was written.

And then she went
to the producers

of her very successful
rom-coms and she said,

"Look, you're not going
to want to make this.

Nobody else is going
to want to make this.

But I'm going to take this
to everybody in Mexico

and everybody else
in the world who has money

and might want to make it,
and if someone does make it,

I'm also going to give them
all my future comedies."

And so her producer said,
"Okay, we'll make it.

And, so, but that was just
the beginning of her problems.

The movie relies
on child actors

and on the imaginative
use of animals

and on special effects
that she couldn't afford.

Children, animals, effects --
three things they tell you

to never put in
a low-budget movie.

She did it anyway.

And the result is
the kind of movie

we do not often show
on "The Last Drive-in,"

but a powerful experience
in the genre

that they call magical realism,

which I know
is an overused term.

People usually say
a film is magical realism

if it, "A,"
comes from Latin America,

"B," it has something to do
with the style

of Gabriel García Márquez,
the great Colombian novelist,

who wrote
"100 Years of Solitude,"

and, "C," it has
the kind of surprising images

that Guillermo del Toro uses.

And this movie qualifies
on all those fronts,

but it also has
its own quirky style

that kind of defies description.

You can't summarize it
because it's so visual.

You cannot do a plot synopsis
because anything you said

in a plot synopsis
would sound mundane

compared to what you see
on the screen.

If you have not seen it,
prepare to be amazed,

and that's all
I'm going to say,

except let's look
at those "Drive-in" totals.

We have...

Before that became
a real thing on the border.

Driving Academy Award
nominations for

for Juan Ramón López as Shine,
the little-boy gang leader

who says he will eat you
in a satanic ritual,

Paola Lara as Estrella,

the orphaned girl searching for
her mom for kickin' narco ass,

and Issa López,
the writer/director,

for going into that dark place
and not letting us out.

4 stars, Joe Bob says.
Check it out.

So, Darcy, I have to warn you,

if you get kidnapped
by the Tijuana Cartel

while you're doing
your dental work,

you know,
"The Last Drive-in"

probably does not have
enough money

to pay your ransom
down there.

It's worth the risk.

You know,
you're basically saying,

"If I don't have perfect teeth,
I don't want to live," you know?

I'm saying Mexico
is doing the world

a service by providing
complicated dentistry

at an affordable price.

Do you at least take a
bodyguard when you go there?

I go with my friend,
but I wouldn't say he could

face down the cartel
or anything.

Okay. Well,
we'll put a little altar

in the trailer park
in your memory.

Aww!
That's so sweet.

Darcy,
don't go to Tijuana.

I love Mexico,
but do not go to Tijuana.

I'm going.

♪♪

♪♪

[Bell jingles]

♪♪

[Bell jingles]

[Indistinct talking]

[Tiger snarls]

[Tiger growling]

[Tiger growls]

[Indistinct talking]

♪♪

[Horn beeps in distance]

♪♪

[Urinating]

[Muttering]

[Clack]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gunfire]

[Children screaming]

♪♪

[Chittering]

♪♪

[Metal pounding, glass breaking,
gunfire, children screaming]

[Breathing shakily]

♪♪

[Gunfire continues]

[Car alarms wailing]

[Gunshot]

[Children screaming
in distance]

♪♪

[Radio chatter]

[Indistinct talking]

[Door opens]

[Woman speaking Spanish on TV]

¿Mama?

[Siren wailing]

[Indistinct talking]

[Screaming, gunfire]

[Tiger growls, snarls]

[Gulps]

[Tiger snarling, growling]

♪♪

[Indistinct talking]

♪♪

[Sighs]

♪♪

♪♪

[Rooster crows]

[Line ringing]

[Tone rings]

♪♪

[Tones ring]

[Click]

[Siren wailing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Dog barking]

♪♪

[Dogs barking]

♪♪

[Bell clanging]

[Horn beeps]

[Dogs barking]

♪♪

[Siren wailing in distance]

No! No! [Laughs]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door opens]

♪♪

[Dogs barking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

¿Mama?

♪♪

[Jingling]

[Gasps]

[High-pitched scream]

♪♪

[Door opens]

[Breathing heavily]

¿Mama?

[Door creaks, slams]

[Panting]

[Dogs barking]

♪♪

[Indistinct talking]

♪♪

[Engine starts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bell clangs]

♪♪

[Bell clangs]

♪♪

[Bell clangs]

♪♪

[Man speaking Spanish on TV]

♪♪

[Dogs barking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Clanking]

[Growling]

[Dogs barking]

Shh!

[Crickets chirping]

[Gasping]

♪♪

[Screams]

No.

[Clunk]

[Dog barks]

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

[Chickens clucking]

[Vehicle approaches]

[Gasps]

♪♪

[Tires screech]

♪♪

[Engine shuts off]

♪♪

[Grunts]

[Dog barks]

♪♪

[Clatter]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gunshots]

♪♪

Shine!Shine!

[Gun cocks]

♪♪

Okay, here's a dilemma
for an 11 year old girl

that's never been dealt with in
an after school special, has it?

What impresses me most about
the scene construction here

is the way Issa Lopez has
combined very childlike things

with very scary adult things

and related it all to those
fairy tales about children

who have to run away
or else they'll get eaten.

And showing kids
in the real world

who have to run away
or else they'll get eaten.

You know, one question
people ask

when they watch this movie is,
are those child actors or not?

Because they never
seem to be acting.

And the answer is yes and no.

They had an open casting call,

but Issa Lopez's instructions
to the casting director were,

I want kids who are
uncontaminated by training.

Meaning kids who had not
worked in telenovelas

and learned that style.

When children
first start acting,

they have a kind of singsongy
way of talking that corresponds

to what they think adults
expect them to do.

So, Lopez auditioned
about 600 kids,

and she selected five of them
for these roles,

and she never showed
any of them the script.

They worked through
the movie scene by scene,

with the children
never knowing what came next.

But before they ever
started shooting,

she put the kids
in a six week workshop

run by a woman she calls
a, quote, tiny, powerful tyrant,

a Brazilian coach
named Fatima Toledo,

who is famous
for working with children.

And she uses a technique
called bioenergetics.

And what it means, basically,

is that she taught them
not to act,

just to feel.

So she went through a series
of exercises with the kids,

opening them up
to their vulnerability,

and then turned them
over to Issa Lopez

to give motivations
for the individual scenes.

Because as you'll see,

Nery Arredondo,
the actor who plays Morro,

the youngest kid
with the plush tiger

who tries to give Estrella
an animal cracker

and never speaks because of what
he saw happen to his mother --

that kid's performance
is just as full as the others

without any dialog whatsoever.

Juan Ramon Lopez,
the kid playing Shine,

the leader of the gang,
even though he's

so, so small in stature,

he had a foster care background,

and he was so committed

that when he went into a rage,

they often had to deal with the
rage after the scene was over.

They had to calm him back down
and get him into a safe space.

So it's the same thing
they do in the old school

Meisner technique of one of the
method systems in New York City,

when they teach you
to leave yourself alone,

let the camera find you.

But with grown ups,
it takes years

for many actors
to open up like that;

with these kids,
six weeks -- six weeks.

So the kids in the in the gang
range from age six to age 14.

And I thought this was
really interesting

what Issa Lopez had to say about
casting the movie this way,

she said, "I think everyone
in this country

feels a bit like
these children,"

meaning out of control,

having to make decisions
that no one should have to make.

And then Guillermo del Toro,

who became a friend
of Issa Lopez

and a collaborator
after this movie came out,

he said something
even more interesting.

He said, "By the time somebody
snorts cocaine at a party,

he has already killed
ten people."

Because all of the misery
in this movie

comes directly from
the narcotics trade,

which, let's face it, is funded
by people in other countries.

All right. We're at the turning
point of the first act,

the scene that sets us off
on a horrific journey.

So let's get back to the flick.
Roll the film.

And I know you're not
a fan of CGI, Darcy, but...

They have one CGI image in this
movie that I really like and --

I don't hate CGI.

I just think
there's a place for it.

Well, the blood trail.

The literal blood trail
following you through life

and occasionally
getting ahead of you

and showing you your future,
I love that part of it.

You really love this movie?I do love it,

even though it's wrenching.

Wrenching.

Well, people say
"heart wrenching,"

but this movie
is just wrenching.

It wrenches everything
out of you.

I know what you mean.And, um...

Also, wishing you
could find your mother,

but then finding your mother.

You know, that --
That's so good.

Tan bueno.
[ Chuckles ]

Don't do that.

Do what?Speak Spanish.

All right.
But it's Cinco de Mayo.

But your Spanish is
Stink-o de Mayo.

All right, very good.I got cheesy jokes, too.

All right. Muy divertido.Dude, stop.

Okay.Thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Spanish-language broadcast
on television]

♪♪

♪♪

[Television audio distorting]

♪♪

[Gunshot]

[Squelching, hissing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Clattering]

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine rumbling,
car alarms blaring]

♪♪

Morro! Morro!

♪♪

♪♪

[Car alarms fade]

♪♪

[Siren wailing in distance]

♪♪

[Boys speaking Spanish]

♪♪

[Men speaking Spanish,
gunshot]

[Changes channel,
music video playing]

[Boys laugh]

[Cellphone ringing]

[Music video continues]

[Coughing]

[Faint shrieking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Raspy breath]

[Insect buzzes]

[Reggaeton song playing]

♪♪

[Song continues on radio]

♪♪

[Coughing, indistinct chatter,
music in background]

[Whistles sharply,
answered with whistle]

[Chuckling, laughter]

[Snickering]

[Dramatic chord]

[Thud, notes strike]

[Gasping, whimpering]

♪♪

[Bird cooing]

[Chatter, laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Sniffling]

[Soft sobbing]

♪♪

[Cellphone ringing]

[Man on line]

Boys: Shine!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[All cheering]

♪♪

[Spanish-language song playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Air hissing]

♪♪

That abandoned building
that the kids break into

is an actual abandoned hotel
that was never opened.

This crazy businessman
kept building it

and adding to it
for years and years.

And then he gave up
and it just sat there

in central Mexico City,
half built and half fallen down,

waiting for the Shine/Estrella
gang to show up

and play soccer,

writin' their names
and numbers on their backs --

that was the idea
of the children.

They made all kinds of little
contributions to the script

after they got
into their characters.

When the kids talk
about the Huascas,

that's a made up name for the
cartel in this fictional town.

But as I pointed out before,
Issa Lopez was

originally inspired by stories
from the streets of Juárez

and of all the cartels --
the Tijuana cartel, Sinaloa,

Guadalajara,
the Gulf cartel.

Actually, the Juárez cartel,
over the years,

has been the most violent,
the nastiest,

the most heartless.

They're the arch rivals of the
more famous Sinaloa cartel,

and they specialize
in decapitations,

mass executions,
mutilation of bodies --

they like to send messages
with with mutilations,

and, you know,
the death of children

would not bother them at all.

Of course, the Huascas
are based on all the cartels

because their culture of
gun violence and gangsterism

could not exist
without the cooperation

of politicians like Chino,
the one in this movie,

and the local police.

So, when you live
in a drug culture,

there's all kinds
of collateral damage.

It's like a cancer.

So the fear of the Huascas
coming to carry you away,

that can mean many things,
and none of them are good.

The Huascas are like
an army of winged demons.

They're always out there ready
to sweep in and get you.

Okay, Darcy, while we're here at
the "calm before the storm"

part of the movie, um,

I remembered that we sort
of abandoned our tribute

to Mexican cuisine.

I was sort of doing it at every
break for a while there,

but I wanted to do one more --[Sighs] I remember.

What is your position
on the margarita?

I can take it or leave it,
honestly.

Okay.
Well, just like the nacho,

the margarita was invented
in a Texas border town.

In fact, it was invented
right there in Juárez in 1942,

three years after the nacho,
by a bartender

working at Tommy's Place bar
named Francisco Morales.

But everybody
called him Pancho.

And what happened
was a woman came in

and she ordered
a magnolia,

and Pancho couldn't remember
how to make a magnolia,

but he did remember that
a magnolia contained Cointreau.

So he grabbed one
of those orange bottles

that Cointreau comes in.

He mixed it with tequila
and lime juice.

He rubbed some salt on the rim
of the cocktail glass and viola!

Yet another classic is made
with foreign ingredients --

because you can't get much
more French than Cointreau.

But the Margarita is is
one of those drinks

that varies a lot
from bar to bar,

you know,
restaurant to restaurant

'cause how much Cointreau,
how much tequila,

how much other stuff --

'cause people do put
other stuff in there.

So I took the liberty
of making two perfect ones.

The old way, which is:

two-thirds tequila,
one-third Cointreau,

minimal salt on the rim,
lots of lime juice.

You're going to do it with me?

Why not? All right.All right.

I even did the little umbrella.

Okay.Aren't you impressed?

It's beautiful.

Okay.

To Issa Lopez, our featured
writer-director

on Cinco de Mayo.

Yay.

Mmm!

And to Tommy's Bar!

Gonna drink -- we're going
to do another toast.

Are we done?And to Tommy's Bar.

Which went the way of
all bars named after people.

Because Tommy's dead...Aww.

And so is the bar.

That wasn't --
That was a bad toast, man.

I know, I...

Lost my way in the middle of
the toast.

I could tell.
What the hell, dude?

[Coughs] All right.

Back to the movie.Phew!

All right. Oh...

We haven't had
a break dedicated

to the chalupa yet.

We have not.

Because most people don't --
they don't know what a ch--

a real chalupa is,
because of Taco Bell.

And I guess you're going
to correct Taco Bell now, huh?

Well, yes,
because the word "chalupa,"

It means flat bottom boat.

So it's supposed to resemble
a flat bottom boat,

a little corn cup
with sides on it, like a boat.

Not the way Taco Bell
turns the chalupa

just into a folded taco.

Fascinating.

In Cholula...Mm-hmm?

they only use salsa, cheese and
shredded lettuce, nothing else.

So the chalupa from Cholula
is kind of unknown in America.

And I think we've covered
Mexican food for tonight.

Thank you.
All right.
Well, I'll check my notes,

because I don't --Don't check your notes.

Where is Cholula, Darcy?

Is that
an actual question?

Cholula is part
of metropolitan Puebla --

and the Battle of Puebla is what
we're celebrating tonight.

You're going back to that?
That was hours ago!

You can never spend enough time
examining the Battle of Puebla.

Agreed.Agreed?

Agreed.You do not agree.

No, I don't.

You just want to shut me up.I do.

Mission completa.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Wind chimes clanging]

[Thunder crashing]

♪♪

[Groans]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Rain pattering]

♪♪

♪♪

[Rain stops, insects chirping,
dogs barking]

[Boy snarls]

[Grunting]

[Rooster crowing]

[Bell dings]

♪♪

♪♪

Mm...

♪♪

[Voice echoing]

♪♪

[Wind rustles,
ominous music]

♪♪

[Panting]

[Dings]

[Humming]

[Beat-boxing]

[Dings]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

[Screaming]

[Gunshot, screams]

[Pained panting]

No!

♪♪

♪♪

[Knife sticks, groans]

♪♪

[Gunshots, pained groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Groaning, grunting]

[Sobbing]

[Shimmering]

[Gunshot]

[Line ringing]

[Sobbing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Ominous music]

♪♪

[Soft roar, purring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Creaking, chittering]

♪♪

Well, Issa Lopez was not kidding
when she said,

"I like a story
that starts bleak,

gets bleaker,
and ends in hell."

Of all the rough scenes
in the film,

the death of Morro -- Morrito --

the little boy with the toy
tiger who can't speak --

that one kind of rips
your guts out.

She has truly taken us
into the land of the dead here.

When they started
shooting the film,

the actors playing
Estrella and Shine --

Paola Lara
and Juan Ramon Lopez --

they didn't really
like each other.

Juan grew up in southern Mexico
in extreme poverty

after losing both parents.

Paola was only 11
when they filmed the movie.

She was from
the lower middle class,

but she was pampered
by her family,

so she had a little bit
of a princess complex

which made the other kids
hate her,

and that made her feel out
of control and vulnerable,

which worked for the film.

And so Issa Lopez told her,
"Look, you can do this,

And at the end of it,
you will be a warrior."

So -- but the mutual dislike
of Juan and Paola

worked for the early scenes.

But then as they grow closer
in their acting,

they become one character --
or, as Issa Lopez put it,

Shine is Peter Pan
and Estrella is Wendy.

Issa Lopez started her
adult life as an archeologist,

and then
she changed direction.

She enrolled in
the film directing program

at the National University
Film School.

She followed that up with
a two year graduate program

at Televisa,

which is not a bad place
to study

since it's the largest producer

of Spanish language content
in the world.

Her first actual job
as a director

was on Mexican Sesame Street.

After that,
she became a screenwriter

of romantic comedies

because she said that's all
they would let women write.

She'd had what she describes
as a difficult childhood.

And what kept her going
was science fiction,

horror, comic books,

especially after her mother died
when she was eight

and she became
an orphan herself.

Fortunately, her rom-coms
were successful

and so she moved to L.A.
as part of a development deal

to continue her career,
only to discover

nobody in L.A. cared about her
success in Mexico,

so she couldn't get
a directing job for five years.

Once again, she ended up writing
Spanish-language

rom-coms to make ends meet,

but then she had
a horrible romantic breakup,

then her father died,

then she had to
euthanize her dog.

And while feeling totally out
of control in her own life,

she wrote this script.

And as I mentioned before,

she knew it would be
virtually impossible

to finance this movie.

But she leveraged
her popularity in Mexico

to sort of force
her regular producers

to finance it for
about $1.3 million.

One thing people don't realize
about the Mexican film industry

is that it is totally
controlled by unions,

and the unions
are almost all male,

and it's extremely difficult
for a woman

to break in at any level,

much less become writer/director
of a major movie.

She said her way of dealing
with the situation

was make the men think
you need them.

And apparently that system
worked here

because she ended up
with some beautiful,

unforgettable images

courtesy of the top notch
cinematographer

Juan Jose Saravia.

And if you'll notice, the camera
is frequently handheld

and it's often obscured

so that you can only see
part of the action.

It was her attempt
to make the audience

the sixth member of the gang,

and emotionally it creates
a sort of jumpy, nervous vibe.

All right, we're getting
a little too talky

at the most dramatic point
in the movie, aren't we?

Um, "we"?

okay, well, you aren't saying
much at all.

You -- you haven't even
commented

on my suit of lights,

my whole outfit here.

Honestly, people get
a little upset

when it looks like
cultural appropriation.

Oh, no. I mean,
is that what I'm doing?

It's a tribute to Mexico.

It could be seen that way.

Okay. A lot of the Western wear
that I buy

is purchased at mariachi shops.

Is that cultural
appropriation?

Probably.No! I mean, I can't help it

if Mexicans dress
better than we do.

Plus, I think most of what we
call Western wear in the U.S.

came from the vaqueros
of old Mexico.

So, I mean,
do you want me to apologize

if I wear a guayabera
or something?

I don't think so,
but some people would.

Okay, well, see, this is why
the world is screwed up.

We need more
cultural appropriation.

Actually, we need
more cultural cooperation

when we -- when we love some --
somebody else's culture.

It's a tribute
to their culture. Right?

I agree with you.
I'm just warning you.

Okay. I'm warned.
Back to the movie.

Okay.So, um...

If I decided, hey, I'm going
to wear a French beret,

would that be wrong?

Because it belongs
to the French.

I'm not French.

Well, I think the French
encourage it, actually.

You know why
the French encourage it?

Why?Nobody wants
to wear a French beret.

True.

♪♪

Boys: Shine?! Shine?!
Shine?!

[Ominous music]

♪♪

[Creaking, hissing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cacophony crescendos]

[Clattering]

[Quiet]

[Snarling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Shimmering]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Rumbling]

[Clattering]

[Splashes]

♪♪

[Purring, grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Electricity buzzing]

[Vehicle approaching]

♪♪

[Shimmering]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct conversation]

[Ringtone playing]

[Ringtone playing]

[Ringtone playing]

[Ringtone stops]

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunting]

[Gunshot]
No!

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

The actor playing Chino,

the corrupt politician
in league with the Huascas,

he's so famous in Mexico

he's known by his first name
only -- Tenoch.

Tenoch Huerta has been
in a lot of the narco films,

sort of the opposite
of this film

because they tend to glorify the
violent cultures of the cartels.

But at any rate, he absolutely
terrified the kids in the cast.

And Issa Lopez didn't really
step in to correct that.

Because, you know, they're
supposed to be terrified

in the scenes --
anyway, great scene.

Tenoch Huerta was actually
criticized recently

for being in "Black Panther:
Wakanda Forever,"

because that was considered
selling out

to United States values.

You know, they have a Spanish
word for that: Malinchismo,

which means
making everyone cringe

because you have respect
for a foreign culture --

cultural appropriation, I guess.

Like I'm making Darcy
cringe by wearing this outfit.

Aw, I am not cringing.
You look amazing.

Okay, well, you s--

You said I looked amazing
in a pink dandy outfit

with pimp shoes
when we showed "Nosferatu."

Well, you did, but now

you're admitting
those were pimp shoes.

No, those were
Biedermeier shoes.

But you have talked about them
so much on social media

that everybody calls them
pimp shoes now.

Because they're pimp shoes.Anyway.

You can't be trusted.
And by the way,

we did not receive
a single letter

saying my Biedermeier costume

was culturally
expropriating Germany.

Because no one recognized
where it came from

or what it even was.

Okay.

Unfortunately, our children
in "Tigers Are Not Afraid"

have not quite escaped
the terrors of Chino,

as portrayed by Tenoch.

And so we're about to dive
into the action-packed

conclusion of
"Tigers Are Not Afraid."

Roll the film.

So if we ever do a movie
about Vikings?

Actually, I know
one we could do.

Roger Corman made a movie called
"The Saga of the Viking Women

and Their Voyage to the Waters
of the Great Sea Serpent."

You know what it means when you
have a title that's that long?

The movie sucks.

Yes. As much as
Roger Corman movie can suck,

that one did suck --
however, it had Vikings.

In fact, it had a lot
of Viking women

wearing not much
of anything at all.

Which would seem
to be counterintuitive,

since don't all Vikings live
in extremely cold places?

But anyway,
if we showed that movie,

I could wear a Viking costume

like the guys
in that Netflix series.

I forget. What was the name
of that series on on Netflix?

"Vikings"?

Oh. Yeah. "Vikings."
Okay. Yeah.

It has Viking characters.

I'm not sure if it's
on Netflix.

But it's a Canadian series
called "Vikings."

Just "Vikings."Oh, okay.

So my question is, would we get
letters from Denmark and Norway

and Iceland saying,

"Stop culturally
expropriating us"?

I was in a Viking...

I doubt it.And why not?

Because that culture is like
a thousand years ago.

Yeah, but there are a bunch
of Nordic death metal bands

that believe
they are the Vikings.

Well, they don't care
about cultural expropriation.

Why not?

'Cause they don't care
about anything.

They're hard core.Oh, okay. Yeah, right.

So I'm safe
wearing a spangenhelm.

A what?One of those helmets
with horns on it.

Oh, yeah. Totally safe.And a tunic.

And wear a tunic.

That's fine.With a Robin Hood belt.

Can I put
a Robin Hood hood belt on it?

What's a Robin Hood belt?A rope.

You know, like a rope on the...

Oh, yeah. Go for it.And a battle ax.

I want to carry a battle ax.
Can I do that?

That's hot. Do it.

And nobody's going to say
"stop wearing our stuff"?

No, because
you'll be the only one.

Well, I'm not going
to walk down Fifth Avenue.

I mean, I'd get arrested
for brandishing a battle ax

if I walked down Fifth Avenue.

You might get letters saying
"Stop being crazy."

Actually, I might want
to walk down Fifth Avenue.

You'd get arrested.For brandishing a battle ax or?

Actually they'd take you
straight to Bellevue.

You can be committed now
for cultural expropriation?

No, we can be
committed for being

a nutjob in a Viking outfit.

Okay. Right.Warning.

I won't do that.

♪♪

[Panting]

♪♪

[Woman whimpering]

[Gunshot]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Ringtone playing]

[Gunshot, Shine grunts]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

♪♪

♪♪

[Sobbing, panting]

[Ringtone playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Purring]

♪♪

[Chirps]

♪♪

[Clattering]

[Gags, coughs,
flies buzzing]

[Estrella shuddering,
tiger whimpers]

[Estrella coughs, gags]

[Lighter flicking]

[Chord strikes,
Estrella gasps]

♪♪

[Shuddering]

[Flies buzzing,
Estrella sobbing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Ringtone playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Low shrieking]

[Banging, Chino screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Flames roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

So, is there hope at the end?

I choose to believe there is
hope at the end of that movie.

Paola Lara, by the way,
the girl playing Estrella,

she was in the same room
with that tiger,

and Shine's original explanation

of how wild animals
got onto the streets?

That's actually based in fact:

one of the drug lords
had an exotic animal zoo

on the grounds of his mansion.

And when he was assassinated,
all the animals got loose

and roamed the streets
for a while.

Very powerful ending.

When the movie was over,

the actor playing Shine
had to say goodbye

to the actress
playing Estrella.

And even though they had been at
odds during most of the movie,

he started to cry because
he was headed

back to Oaxaca,
where he lives.

I also wanted to mention that
for the burial scene of Morrito,

Issa Lopez didn't want
the children

to actually carry his body
for fear they would drop him.

So she used a dummy,

and the kids
were extremely upset by that.

They wanted to carry
Morrito, the actual body.

So she had a case
of total method actors

by the time
this thing was done.

Once editing was complete
on the movie,

Issa Lopez expected to take it

to one of the major
festivals, right?

I mean, the movie has festival
written all over it.

But she was rejected by Venice,

then she was rejected
by Toronto,

then she was rejected
by Sundance,

then she was rejected
by Cannes.

Then she was rejected
by Tribeca.

Rejected by South by Southwest.

Finally, she said,
You know what?

Hey, what about
genre festivals?

She submitted to
Fantastic Fest in Austin --

the festival founded
by the guys at Alamo Drafthouse.

And she was accepted right away

and the movie was launched.

All this time, she'd been trying
to get Guillermo del Toro

to watch the movie,
but he would --

he never watched it
until a critic in Austin

posted a review
with the headline,

"The Best Guillermo del Toro
Movie He Never Made."

And once he saw it,
he did look her up

and they've been
collaborating ever since.

We were hoping to have Issa
on the show tonight,

but she's busy in Iceland
directing a season of

"True Detective" for HBO.Oh, wow!

So, Darcy, your impressions?

Well, it's a really
powerful movie,

but it's more
social realism than horror.

Well, yeah, but it has
all the horror elements.

That's -- that's what's
interesting to me about it.

It qualifies, but to me,
it's just really, really sad.

I agree,
it's a sad movie.

It's kind of shocking
that you watch a movie like that

and you see
so much reality in it.

But I think what it is --

I'm going to call it
a gothic Arthurian legend.

All right. You're going
to have to explain that one.

Well, first of all, Estrella has
to be initiated like a knight.

You know, the whole thing
with taking the gun

and going off to kill the guy.Okay.

And then the second
thing is, it's a quest.

It's a quest like the knights
had where they were

given a totem
to carry on their journey,

and the totem would be
that cell phone.

Okay.And then she's guided

by supernatural spirits,

which is another aspect
of Arthurian legend.

And then you have
the gothic elements

like that pit of the dead,

all those bodies
howling for revenge,

and the abandoned ruins.

And these are all gothic things.

So secret messages
like trying to figure out

what's really on
that cell phone.

It's got several ghosts,

including the ghost
of her mother

and the ghost of Morrito
and the plush toy.

So that's my final answer:
Arthurian Gothic.

And since they're all
children,

you could call it
Arthurian Gothic "Goonies."

Arthurian Gothic "Goonies"?Yeah!

All right, then,
I think we've named --

we've named our genre.Okay.

It's still
a rough watch, though.

Okay. It's one of
those movies that you --

you may not want to see it,
but after you see it,

you think you needed to see it.

And then you can't unwatch it.Correctamundo.

Okay, we got mail?We do.

Oh, the gringo
fantastico pinata with --

Yes. By the way, what the hell,
you haven't said anything

about my --That's why you're in --

Yes.You are a pinata.

Yes, to be festive --
I mean,

that was a bummer ending.
We had to cheer up.

So, yay!Okay.

Festive again!Gringo --

Gringo Fantasticos Pinata.

Which...

May be known as Raimundo.

We're --

We don't know its name.

Okay, but are we
going to whack it?

We're going to whack the --

We are definitely
going to whack it.

But first, read the letter.

It's from Tricia Coleman
of Jacksonville, Florida.

Okay. "Hello there, Joe Bob,

If this is you for real,

I'm sure you can
understand my skepticism."

Not really! But okay.It's proof!

She knows now.

Anyway, "I sure
hope this is you.

My name is Tricia Coleman,

and I just wanted
to let you know how glad I am

to have your Drive-In, show back
on the airwaves, so to speak.

It sure has made my year
a little brighter and enjoyable

hearing your hilarious rants
and smack talk about your movies

all mixed in with
some serious movie factoids.

Coincidentally, my full birth
middle name is Patricia Coleman.

So yes, I share my name with the
actress from the movie 'Habit.'

But of course, no relation.

I'm from Jacksonville, Florida,

yes, home of the film
'Blood Rage'.

Luckily, I never resided
in those parts of the area

where the movie was shot.

Oddly enough, by some miracle,

I guess it was an idea
during the pandemic,

but the city of Jacksonville
has reopened an actual drive-in,

which is run by the people
of Sun-Ray Cinema

out in the Five Points area
of Riverside, Jacksonville."

I love the Sun-Ray Cinema.

I'm the lowest class act
that regularly goes into

the Sun-Ray Cinema.

"My earliest memory
of your 'MonsterVision' shows

was of you hosting
'The Wraith,'

one of my all-time
favorite '80s movies.

And correct me if I'm wrong,
but did you once host

'Killer Klowns
from Outer Space' as well?

Both you and Svengoolie are my
absolute favorite horror hosts.

I have two inquiring questions
for you, Joe Bob.

One, I was watching
'Phantom of the Mall' recently

and I could not help notice
that the layout of the mall

looked rather similar
to the mall

that was used in
'Chopping malls.'

So my question is,
was that the same mall

used to shoot both movies?

Two: If you wanted the choice
to sort of rehost a movie

from your 'MonsterVision'
and TMC times,

what movie would
that be and why?

Well, it was real nice talking
to you" -- at length!

"Thank you" -- "Thank you to
both of you and Darcy for

all you have been doing
in curating and showing movies

I might never have watched
if you weren't hosting them.

Hope there are new episodes
of 'Last Drive-In' to come.

In a somewhat tainted
and tarnished world.

you help make the world
a more bearable place to live.

I hope you will enjoy reading
this if it does reach you.

Thank you again, Joe Bob.

Take care and God bless.

Sincerely,
Tricia Coleman.

P.S." -- I'm not going to read
the P.S.

Ah-ha-ha! Read the P.S.No.

Let me answer
Tricia's questions.

Okay.

Yes, the Sherman Oaks Galleria

was the mall that was used in
both "Phantom of the Mall,"

which we featured
on our Valentine's Day show,

and "Chopping Mall,"
which was our opening movie

for season two?Two.

And if there was a movie
I would love to host again,

I would have to say
it would be "The Warriors."

Yeah.I love that movie.

Okay, now read the P.S., because
it's going to motivate you.

Motivate me to do what?

Motivate you to whack it.

Do you want me to read it?

Yes. You read it.Yeah?

[Laughs]

"P.S. -- Hogzilla! Hogzilla!
Hogzilla! Hogzilla! Hogzilla!

Hogzilla! Hogzilla! Hogzilla!
Hogzilla! Hogzilla! Hogzilla!

Hogzilla! Hogzilla!
Hogzilla! Hogzilla!

Hogzilla! Hogzilla! Hogzilla!

Ow! Hogzilla!

Hogzilla! Hogzilla!
Hogzilla!

Hog-fuckin'-zilla!

[Laughter]

Holy crap!

Aw, poor pinata.

[Sighs]It looks so sad now.

I do feel better.

Okay. I told you you would.

Sorry, gringo.

Okay. Done.

Buenas noches
from "The Last Drive-In."

This is Joe Bob Briggs.

For Darcy the Mail girl,

reminding everybody --

first, I want to remind
everybody in the Philly area

that we'll be back at
the historic Colonial Theatre

in Phoenixville tomorrow night.

And I was reminded tonight of
the law of homicidal restraint.

Many people are alive today

only because it's illegal
to kill them.

And the drive-in will never die.

[Sighs]

Masochist says to the sadist,
"Please hurt me."

Sadist says, "No."

[Scattered laughter]

That's it?

That's it.
That's the joke.

Okay. Okay.
One more.

Alcoholic walks into a bar.

What did you expect?

Ugh, so bad, dude.

All right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.

A drunk goes to the store
to buy more whiskeys.

So he takes a bottle
under his jacket,

and he stumbles out the door,

and he careens
all over the street.

He's trying to
stand up straight.

He finally gets hit by a car.
He falls to the ground.

He feels something wet
on his side,

puts his hand inside his jacket
to see what it is.

He pulls his hand
out of his jacket and says,

"Thank God it's only blood."

Wow, you are worse
than usual tonight.

I can't finish with that one?

No, you're good.

I mean,
I got zero laughs on that.

That was --
that was an all-time low.

I think I told it
too fast, you know?

All right.That was it.

Um...

Taster at the winery dies,

and the -- so the winery owner
puts out a -- a --

an ad for somebody
to replace him.

So, this ragged, dirty wino
staggers in drunk,

and he says he wants the job.

And the director of the winery
wants to get rid of the guy.

So he gives him
one glass to drink

and the drunk tries it
and he says,

"Hmm, it's a Muscat.

Three years old,
grown on a North slope,

matured in steel containers,
low grade but acceptable."

And the boss goes,
"Wow, that's exactly right."

Gives him another glass of wine.

Drunk says,
"This is a cabernet.

Eight years old,
south western slope,

aged in oak barrels,
matured at eight degrees.

It requires three more years
for the finest result."

The boss says, "That is amazing.
That is...

That's also correct."

Gives him one more glass.

He says,
"It's a Pinot blanc champagne,

high grade and exclusive."

So the director is astonished
by how accurate the guy is.

So he calls his secretary over.

He whispers something to her,

and shortly afterwards,
she leaves the room

and she comes back
with a glass of urine.

The drunk tries the urine,
and he says,

"It's a blond,
26 years old,

three months pregnant --

and if I don't get the job,
I'll name the father."

[Scattered laughter]

Man: Wait a minute!

Okay. That's the closer.
That's the closer.

Okay, yeah.All right.

Have a shot, Marcy!
Darcy!

I feel like
you've had enough!

I've had a lot of drinks.No more shots for you, man!

Have a -- h-have two shots.

All right.
Viva la Mexico!

Aah.

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ We are drive-in mutants

-♪ Drive-in mutants

-♪ We are not like
other people ♪

-♪ Other people

-♪ We are sick
-♪ Sick

-♪ We are disgusting
-♪ Disgusting

-♪ We believe in

♪ Yeah, we believe in

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ Yeah, we believe in

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ If life had a vomit meter

-♪ Vomit meter

-♪ We'd be off the scale

-♪ Off the scale

-♪ As long as one drive-in
remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party
like jungle animals ♪

♪♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke

-♪ Boogie till we puke

-♪ The drive-in will never die

♪ We will boogie till we puke

-♪ Boogie till we puke

-♪ The drive-in will never die

-♪ We believe in

♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ We believe in

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ Yeah, we believe in