Original subtitles

-Okay. I'm Joe Bob Briggs.

And for the second half of Walpurgisnacht,

we have not only a Satanic movie,

but the high priest of the Church of Satan

in a bit part in the movie.

And the only reason he's in a bit part

is that he can't compete with Ernest Borgnine

as an immortal, satanic cult leader

who has been searching for the Book of the Damned

for the past 300 years

while living in a Wild West ghost town.

Yes, it's true. We have one of the finest motion pictures

invented by the Writers Committee

of the Colombo crime family of New York City.

I'm not making that up. The Colombo family

went into the film business, and in a few minutes --

[Guitar chord]

-♪ Walpurgisnacht, Walpurgisnacht ♪

[Both cackling]

-What the hell, Darcy?

-We're on our way to the Brocken.

You want to come?

-Well, I'm going to put a stop to that trip to the Brocken

with my fairy herb torch. You know that.

-Onto the witches' dance floor! [Cackles]

-Come on, y'all! You'll have way more fun at the Brocken.

This is not even a union crew.

See you in the morning, nerd.

-You know, Darcy, it's possible

to take this stuff way too seriously.

-To the Brocken! -To the Brocken!

-[Cackling]

-Here you go, sir.

[Laughter]

-To the Brocken.

-Yuki, do you even know what the Brocken is?

-Uh, no.

-Okay, then. Come on. Sit here.

Help me fight this madness.

-Okay. -Okay.

Well, the good news is that with the entire "Last Drive-In"

crew apparently preferring to join the witches

instead of burning the witches,

at least we've stoked some interest

in the Walpurgisnacht holiday for this season.

I guess I'm the last defender of the conventional wisdom

that witches are bad news.

Once again, the Boomer is the naive loser, right?

Millennials are into orgies, though.

We know this from those dudes who burned up $32 billion

in crypto in about three days last November.

You know, they were all in their late 20s.

That's Millennials, right? Is that Millennials?

Austin? Is that Millennials or Gen Zs?

-It could be a little of both. -Okay.

I've never known where the dividing line is.

I think it's 1994.

Anyway, you had these Millennials and post-Millennials

living in a $45 million penthouse in the Bahamas,

and they're in charge of $32 billion

worth of other people's money through a crypto exchange

and a crypto trading company.

And, okay, that's only half of what Bernie Madoff had.

But they were just getting started.

But that's not what I'm interested in.

What I'm interested in is that they lived in a polycule.

Which I had never heard that word before,

but that's where 10 people

have interchangeable sex partners like,

"Hey, Carol, as soon as you finish that $20 million trade,

let's make the sign of the humpback trumpet swan

in the game room."

And then she says, "Sure thing, Ichabod.

But first I have to do a three-way

with Jenny and Trevor in the kitchen."

And Ichabod has to go place some crypto bids

while he's waiting to have sex.

Or, more likely, he decides to play board games

because, besides orgies,

they were big on board games and vegan food.

They had $5,000 takeout vegan food bills

at the local vegan place.

So they were role-playing millennial

vegan crypto orgiastic board game enthusiasts

who believed in the idea -- this is what they called it --

effective altruism.

And effective altruism

means you make as much money as possible

through any means necessary in order

to give the money away to the places

where it will be most effective.

And they had algorithms that indicated

where the money should be placed after you make a big pile of it.

So they're like, "Hey, after you guys get, you know,

finished making the sign of

the three-gilled Chinese stud monkey,

be sure to get an extra $5 million

for the new electrical grid system in Borneo,

because that's what's coming up on my laptop.

I'm going to pause the Scrabble game

till Paul comes back from yoga."

And, so, am I the only guy who's fascinated by these people?

I mean, on Monday, they're worth $32 billion.

On Thursday, they're worth zero. And then, a month later,

the head of the whole enterprise is in handcuffs

and playing board games in the jail

where, you know, threesomes might not be uncommon,

but you probably don't want to know how they get started.

So, anyway, I ended up with a new respect

for Silicon Valley Millennials because, you know,

they took orgies to a whole new level.

They created permanent orgies.

They were headed for the next wave

of Supreme Court liberation.

They were destined to be the test case

as to whether 10 people can be legally married

to one another in various combinations.

And they would feel right at home on Walpurgisnacht.

But they would definitely be headed for the Brocken

with Darcy.

My own generation, on the other hand,

wants the guy that you write the check to

to be really, really boring.

You know, you want him to drive a Chevy sedan

and go to the most middle-of-the-road

milquetoast Presbyterian Church in Kansas.

You want him to belong to a bowling league.

You know, you want him to be terrified

of getting a parking ticket. And as soon as he says,

"By the way, we're moving the operation to the Bahamas,

and I'll be running it out of a penthouse

with nine of my closest associates," everybody goes,

"Whoops, sorry, Stan, give me all my money back right now.

You know, we don't want to read about the $5,000

vegan takeout bill.

If we're going to invest money in something,

we want the guy to be wearing a plaid jacket with a brown tie."

You know, and that's another thing

about the Bahamas Millennials.

They did business in T-shirts, cargo shorts, and sneakers.

Even when they were being interviewed

by "The New York Times," they were, like, too busy

to get dressed or to shower, for that matter.

They also went weeks without showering,

which would seem to be counterintuitive

if you're going to have sex with nine other people

on a more or less regular basis. So call me old-fashioned.

You know, I want my investment guy to shower.

But when they go to -- when they got to the bankruptcy court,

the overseer of the company,

the same guy who picked up the pieces after Enron,

he told Congress that these people

didn't even have paperwork.

A lot of the money was just gone, missing, unaccounted for.

And with Madoff, see, they were able to find out

where he had spent the money and go claw it back.

They actually clawed back 88% of the Madoff money.

This money was vaporized.

It was like the day after a kegger at the frat house.

You know, "Hey, did anybody get a receipt

for the Jack Daniel's and the Smirnoff?"

"No." "Okay.

Well, I have a pretty good idea of how many empties we had.

We can figure that out later."

I mean, we think of Millennials as kind of wimpy,

or at least I think of Millennials as kind of wimpy.

But these people were hard core.

Okay. Speaking of hard core, our second movie tonight --

and I'm still weirded out

because I think Darcy is headed for the Brocken

with a bunch of singing demons.

Our second movie tonight is "The Devil's Rain,"

the cute little story of the Satan-worshiping New England

Puritan minister played by Ernest Borgnine

who turns into a pig-faced ram-horned devil monster

and tries to poke out the eyes of every member

of William Shatner's family until his brother, Tom Skerritt,

decides to go out to Borgnine's hellhole of a church

in the Mexican desert and take a little look-see

with the help of Sheriff Keenan Wynn.

But not before Skerritt's hottie wife can be abducted

and prepared for sexual sacrifice.

I was about to say "virgin sacrifice,"

which I think is what they say in the movie,

but she's a wife, not a virgin, unless they're somehow implying

that she's a virgin beard for Tom Skerritt.

And that's just too weird, even for this movie.

One of the last feature performances

of the legendary Ida Lupino,

the actress, director, producer, singer, writer known...

She's actually just known for being Ida Lupino.

People say, "Oh, yeah, Ida Lupino.

Love her. What was she in?"

You know, Ida Lupino.

One thing she was in was "The Devil's Rain,"

along with a 20-year-old John Travolta in his first film.

So let's take a look at those drive-in totals and get started.

We have...

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations for William Shatner

as the pistol-packing loyal son

who looks all lumberjack-y and ripped

until he gets transformed into a minion of Satan.

Ida Lupino as the spooked mom who says,

"My dream was a warning. They found us."

and ends up with bloody eye sockets.

Ernest Borgnine for burning up real good in the 16th century,

then coming back as a goat-headed high priest.

John Travolta for delivering his one line with utter conviction.

Joan Prather as Julie for being strapped to a cross

and prepared for human sacrifice as the great Harlot of Babylon

while the goat god pronounces, "Our lust will be fulfilled."

And Robert Fuest, the director, for saying,

"I kept asking them to explain the meaning of the script."

Three stars, Joe Bob says check it out.

Okay.

A lot going on this Walpurgisnacht.

And apparently the Mail Girl is not going to be around for mail.

And apparently John Brennan and half the crew

are out having woodland revels or something, cutting capers

on the Satanic mountain summits, you know?

I'm just going to have a little herbal Lone Star here.

[Laughter]

Before I figure out my next move.

You know, in the regions of Bohemia and Moravia,

where the best witch fighters in the world live,

they have three kinds of bonfires.

You know, they have the -- the teepee fire

Self-explanatory.

You tie the logs together at one end

and you splay them out like a Christmas tree.

They have the pagoda fire. A little bigger

'cause it's got those big logs sticking out on the sides.

It's what we used to do in the Order of the Arrow,

which, as many of you know, is kind of the --

kind of the CIA of the Boy Scouts.

It's this elite camping organization.

It's supposed to be secret.

Oh, no. I revealed that I was in --

that I was in the order of the arrow.

I have to be assassinated now.

Anyway, the pagoda fire burns longer.

And then, the Burning Man bonfire.

That sucker is 66 feet tall.

I think we got to go Burning Man. You know?

I think Darcy and her seductive stripper witch costume

or whatever have to be thrust into the flames

and fried like a crispy critter. Does everybody agree?

-Yeah. -No. No. Boo. Boo.

-Boo! -Boo!

-Boo! -Boo!

-You know, I've been in this business all my life,

and I never knew I was working with Satanists!

They're everywhere. Are you a Satanist, Yuki?

-No.

-Good. We'll work together. I knew I could trust you.

-Why?

-Well, because you're not interested in orgies

on the mountain with witches, right? Yuki?

-What?

-You're not interested in orgies on the mountains with witches...

Yuki.

-Uh, n-no.

-Thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

-Let me out of here!

[Eerie moaning]

♪♪

[Sobbing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Sobbing, moaning continue]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Sobbing, moaning continue]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Let me out of here!

♪♪

[Sobbing, moaning continue]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Sobbing, moaning continue]

Let me out of here!

♪♪

[Sobbing, moaning continue]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

[Thunder crashes]

-I've just made you a fresh pot of coffee, Mrs. Preston.

-Hmm? -A fresh pot.

-No, thank you John, no.

-Is it slacking off any out there?

-John, it's absolutely pouring down.

-Oh!

-I'm sorry, I'm so clumsy.

-Oh, no, don't worry about it.

I'll just get you a fresh cup.

-Thank you. -Now, you relax.

[Mutters]

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Door opens]

-Mark? Steve?

Mark!

Well?

-No sign of him.

Or the truck.

I got as far as Simpson's Bridge,

or what's left of it -- the river's about swept it away.

-He couldn't have just disappeared, he couldn't.

-He probably pulled off someplace to wait the storm out.

It's still dead. -I know.

-Winds knocked the lines down.

-I don't think so.

-What else could it be? It's only the storm.

-Mark, don't think I'm a fool -- -Mother, don't start now.

-Please listen to me. -Please don't st--

-It's my dream! -I know, I know.

Your dream -- -Will you listen to me?

It's the same, night after night!

-Night after night, yes, I know that mother.

-Yes!

-I don't want to hear any more about it.

-Mark, listen to me, it always starts the same way.

It starts with a storm and then your father --

-Father is all right.

It's all right.

-But -- -Mother, no.

[Dog barking]

-Someone's here.

-Dad?

Oh, my God. -Steve?

Steve?

-The book.

Corbis.

-Oh, God help us.

-Where is Corbis?

-The desert.

Redstone.

He's waiting for the book.

Give Corbis what belongs to him.

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

-[Groans]

♪♪

Don't go near him, don't touch him.

-[Speaking Latin]

-[Repeats in Latin]

"In the name of Satan."

That wasn't your father.

-It was his face, his clothes.

♪♪

♪♪

-Mark!

The book!

Don't you see?

Don't you see, my dream was a warning.

My dream was a warning.

They've found us.

♪♪

[Thunder crashing]

♪♪

♪♪

Corbis has your father.

It wasn't him, Mark, I tell you.

I tell you, it wasn't him.

He said -- He said Corbis was in Redstone,

the old mining town.

-It's a godforsaken place.

-Wait a minute.

Mark, take the book to Corbis.

It's the only way.

-The book's not ours to bargain with.

-Oh, please, take it.

-No, I won't give the devil's man what he wants.

-Your father would've -- -My father...

would agree with me.

-Mark, there must be something you can do.

-Yeah.

I'll fight him on my terms, not his.

-Listen, take this with you.

Corbis can't harm you as long as you wear this amulet.

[Horn honks]

-He's here. It's the truck.

No, you stay here.

John. -Yes?

-Take care of her. -I will.

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Crashing, clattering, Mrs. Preston screaming]

[Glass shattering]

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Moaning]

♪♪

-John.

-[Muttering]

-Hang on, hang on tight.

It's all right.

♪♪

-Get out. -What?

Mother?

Mother!

-She's gone...

over the sun.

-Corbis!

God damn you!

[Thunder crashing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I'll be back.

♪♪

-They had no faces.

♪♪

[Engine turns over]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Wind whistling]

♪♪

[Metal creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Looks like you've been driving a ways.

Are you lost?

-No, I'm not lost.

-Use some water?

Drink up.

-It's bitter.

-Sweet way to end a thirst though, isn't it?

Did you bring the book?

-I'll talk to no one but Corbis.

-Then speak -- where is the book?

-Where you can't touch it.

I'm not afraid of you, Corbis.

-Mr. Preston, I'd be very disappointed if you were.

We've both come a very long way for this moment.

-And I've a ways to go yet before I find what I'm after.

-Well, if you're led by a faith as strong as mine,

nothing can stop you.

-Depends what you put your faith in.

-Well said.

Let me show you what I've put my faith in.

-Corbis!

I'll face whatever you have behind those doors

and come out exactly as I went in.

-A challenge?

My faith against yours.

-For my mother and father.

They go with me if I win.

-Agreed.

And if you lose?

-The book.

-And you.

[Laughs]

-There's a shot I always remember

when I think about this movie,

and it's that shot of Ernest Borgnine as Corbis

leaning on that hitching post in the foreground,

talking side-eyed to Shatner in the background.

And, damn, if you don't think

you're in the middle of a classic Western

where death lurks around every corner.

If you're surprised to see the beautiful cinematography

with that gorgeous overcast big sky and the buttes

and the mesas in the middle distance,

like you're in a John Ford movie or something,

that's because the director, Robert Fuest,

was an artist, a painter, and more to the point,

the art director for "The Avengers,"

one of the greatest TV series

to come out of England in the '60s.

And if you remember "The Avengers,"

it was full of uncanny locations, extreme angles.

They would shoot two people

talking in the middle of an empty room

with a jib circling around them and a chess set between them,

or they would shoot them in silhouette

at the end of a drainage pipe.

"The Avengers" was a production designer's dream.

It was all about in-your-face camerawork,

as though to say, "I'll bet you never thought of this angle

with this lens for this type of scene."

And that's where Robert Fuest spent several years of his life,

making those art direction decisions.

But the way he ended up in the loneliest part

of the state of Durango in Mexico

shooting a horror film is that, by 1975,

he had become known for the "Dr. Phibes" movies

starring Vincent Price.

Those movies were considered some of the best work

that Vincent Price ever did.

"The Devil's Rain" was produced by Sandy Howard,

who was very familiar with the state of Durango

because that's where he shot "A Man Called Horse,"

the 1970 Western starring Richard Harris

as the English aristocrat captured by Indians,

who goes native and he runs for chief of his village.

It's been a while since I've seen that movie,

so I don't remember everything about it.

But I do --

I don't think he ever quite makes it as the chief.

Anyway, Sandy Howard approached Fuest

on the basis of admiring those "Dr. Phibes" movies,

and he hired him for "The Devil's Rain,"

and they shot it in Durango because Sandy Howard

knew how to stretch his dollar down there.

But what he did not tell Robert Fuest

is that all the script --

Number one, the script couldn't be changed because...

it's the script the Mafia wanted.

[Laughter]

The Colombo crime family of New York City

had formed a company called Bryanston Pictures

because they needed a way to launder

all the motion picture money

that was coming in from "Deep Throat,"

the first porn blockbuster.

And more recently, they were getting money in

from "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

They had picked it up for $225,000,

and they distributed it all over the world

without ever paying the filmmakers

and investors anything more than that initial 225.

So classic mob move, you know, overpay at the beginning

and then assume ownership forever.

Bryanston was run by the Peraino brothers --

the enormous Lou Peraino, better known as "Butchie,"

and his brother, Joe Peraino.

And while they had Robert Fuest working on "The Devil's Rain,"

they pitched him another movie about --

They had another script.

The Colombo family was just turning out

these scripts like crazy.

They had another movie about a bank robbery,

a script in which the bank robbers plan the robbery,

carry out the robbery, and get away with all the money

with never anything going wrong.

And, so, Fuest actually sat in a meeting

with the Colombo people, where he tried to tell them

that a heist movie can never go according to plan.

And they were like, "Why?"

And, so, anyway, I thought that was funny.

One reason this movie has so many stars in it

is that Bryanston liked to spend money on name actors

because they were still looking for legitimacy in Hollywood.

Robert Fuest said he met

with the screenwriters a couple of times

and he suggested changes in "The Devil's Reign" script

to make it make more sense.

But they just said, "Nah, it makes sense,

shoot it the way it is." And so he shot it

without knowing exactly what he was shooting.

Anyway, my main point is, those beautiful outdoor shots

and the menacing look of the ghost town,

that's all Robert Fuest

trying to make something out of nothing.

He was basically a hired hand on this movie,

using the actors he was told to use on the script

he was told to shoot.

Okay, before we get back to the movie,

I would just like to point out

that I have fashioned all the herbs

and other substances into this attack torch.

Which, once you see it on fire,

you'll see I can use it to easily eliminate

Darcy and her Satanic hordes later tonight.

I'll be recruiting the lads of this village.

What is the name of this village?

I forgot.

-It's the village of East Hanover.

-East Hanover.

So the lads of East Hanover will be waving

burning besoms through the air.

What are lads anyway?

I think it means teenage boys.

So we'll be taking these teenage boys.

We'll be nailing bits of buckthorn over all entrances.

What's buckthorn? -I don't know.

-Okay, well, we'll --

we'll be nailing the fuck out of the buckthorn,

and then we're going to cut some sod from that

meadow across the highway.

Some multi-billion-dollar multinational corporate campus.

They're not going to miss any of that sod.

And we will sprinkle it with marsh marigolds.

That's like a buttercup.

That's an old lady flower.

And then, we'll also be clinking stones on scythes.

I repeat, we will be clinking stones on scythes.

But the main thing is our anti-witch chant.

And the power of this music that we came up with

can turn witches to stone.

♪ Witch, witch, witch

♪ Flee, flee, flee

♪ Or we will kill you one, two, three ♪

You want me to do that again? -Mnh-mnh. No.

I think we should probably wrap this up.

-All right. Wait.

I can do it with more emotion. I'll do it one more time.

♪ Witch, witch, witch

♪ Flee, flee, flee

♪ Or we will kill you one, two, three ♪

[Applause]

And then, you know. And then, if I was --

If I was doing it for real on the Brocken,

you know, I'd one of these at the end.

So, to get the whole effect, we need to have

the East Hanover lads here waving burning besoms.

-What's a besom?

-Besoms are handmade brooms,

artisanal craft brooms made out of sticks.

So very scary. Okay, back to the movie.

I realize it's hard to make herbs and flowers scary,

but we're going to bundle the herbs

into kindling for this torch

and then sally forth with burning besoms,

according to the ancient traditions of Lusatia,

which is half in Poland and half in Germany,

home of the Slavic Sorbs,

not to be confused with the Serbs, who are also Slavic.

And we are specifically following the lead

of the Upper Sorbs, not the Lower Sorbs.

Upper Lusatia and Lower Lusatia are separated by the Black --

the Black Elster River, which runs eastward toward Silesia.

Should we just go to the map on that so --

-No. -All right.

I'm a little concerned that they'll confuse

the Walpurgisnacht traditions

of Lower Lusatia with those of Upper Lusatia.

Especially people who don't speak Sorbian, so...

-They'll be fine. -Okay.

We don't have time. But the point is,

the Sorbian-speaking lads of Upper Lusatia

took their burning besoms into the hills and vales,

the heaths and ponds in a Celtic rite

that has survived successive waves of Bohemian rule,

Saxon rule, Prussian rule.

And, so, what we're doing is we're defeating

the demonic forces of evil by honoring the Lusatian Sorbs.

In fact, we should probably cook up some boiled potatoes

with linseed oil and curd

and chase it with some Spreewalder Gurken.

-No, I think we should probably just get back to the movie.

-Spreewalder Gurken is a type of very spicy pickle

known only to the Sorbs.

-Hmm. Mm. Good. Good.

-Sorb power! Flee, witches, flee!

We should sing that song one more time.

-No.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-The ceremony will begin shortly.

Would you be seated?

[Chanting in foreign language]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chanting continues]

[Discordant organ music]

[Speaking Latin]

In the name of Satan, ruler of the Earth,

king of the world, I command the forces of darkness

to bestow their infernal power upon me.

-Who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

-Come forth from the abyss, open wide the gates of Hell.

-Thy kingdom come, thy will be done,

on Earth as it is in Heaven.

-You greet me... -Preserve my soul...

-...as your brother and friend. -...from the dark angels

that you have cast into the fire.

Give us this day our daily bread.

-I call the gods of the pit. I command...

-And forgive us our trespasses...

-...those things which I desire...

-...as we forgive those that trespass against us.

-You have bestowed upon us a vessel

for the sacred rite of the holy water.

For this, we thank thee and summon the soul...

-Be my shield against the terrors of Hell.

-Martin Fyffe, [speaks Latin].

Martin Fyffe, [speaks Latin].

Martin Fyffe --

-In the name of God, I am Mark Preston!

-In the name of Satan,

Martin Fyffe, come into this vessel!

-In the name of God, I am Mark Preston!

[Chanting in foreign language]

Deliver me from evil.

-Evil?

There is no evil here.

Only purity.

See thy mother?

[Chanting stops]

-My son, we have made a place for you here,

and you will know the piece of mind that I have found.

Come.

-Give me strength.

-A divine peace can be yours.

Join us.

-No.

Get away. Let me go.

-Whose belief is greater now? -Let me go!

-Seize him!

[Crowd moaning]

♪♪

Is that your faith?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I'm still free, Corbis.

-Are you free, Mark Preston?

-Free my family.

♪♪

-Come forth,

o' master of the world.

Present thyself to him.

Behold!

♪♪

-Aah...

Aah!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Soon the family name of Preston will be no more.

-Mrs. Preston, my associate's wife,

is consciously controlling the rate of her heartbeat.

She's now in a state of deep meditation.

-Dr. Richards, you mean she's controlling her body

through willpower alone?

-Our experiments would indicate that

there's nothing in the subconscious

that cannot be raised to the conscious level.

-Nothing, Doctor?

What about parapsychology, telepathy?

Can that be controlled, too?

-Yes, I include that, extrasensory perception.

-Dr. Preston, isn't there a danger

that these experiments could interfere

with normal brain activity?

-No, no, no, we've studied many cases like this,

found there's no reason for concern at all.

If there were, believe me, my wife would not be involved.

-No, no, no. No dangers, only discoveries.

-Is there any proof of ESP control?

-Yes, Mrs. Preston here.

We believe that we're on the verge

of isolating the brain wave pattern

that signifies ESP activity.

-Now, Julie, tell us what you felt?

-It starts with a feeling of absolute calm,

as if I were drifting into perfect sleep...

...leaving behind any cares or any fears.

It's so beautiful a feeling, I could almost cry.

And then, way in the distance,

I see someone or someplace moving closer.

It starts with a feeling of absolute calm,

as if I were drifting into a perfect sleep...

...leaving behind any cares or fears.

Then, way in the distance,

I see someone or someplace moving closer.

Sometimes they're voices, or even music.

And then, a funny change takes place.

Instead of the images moving closer to me,

I feel myself moving closer to them.

It's as if I were watching a movie...

...and then suddenly were acting in it.

Tom!

-Easy.

Julie, something's happened to my family.

-Pretty damn good devil worship, don't you think?

It's hard to do actual devil worship on film

without lapsing over into self-parody.

But Robert Fuest pulls it off

with the help of a nasty Ernest Borgnine as Corbis.

Um, what can you say about Ernest Borgnine?

This movie has a whole pantheon of movie stars.

This is kind of "The Love Boat" of horror films.

Come on, Eddie Albert,

William Shatner, Ida Lupino, Keenan Wynn.

Lisa Todd, star of "The Doll Squad."

Ooh, yowza. But Ernest Borgnine, he just dominates it.

He really plays four different roles in the film.

We saw him at the beginning as a folksy cowboy.

We saw him in his hooded robe as a satanic high priest

reciting the actual black mass.

And he's got two more transformations

that I won't spoil for you.

Borgnine was not like any other Hollywood actor.

He learned his craft at the Barter Theatre

in Abingdon, Virginia.

The Barter Theatre,

it's in one of the great valleys in Appalachia

between Roanoke and Bristol.

And during the Depression, when nobody had cash,

they stayed alive as a theater

by letting people bring barter items

like chickens and smoked meats and potatoes

and to pay for their admission.

They still have a couple shows a year today

where they accept barter just to keep up the old traditions.

Anyway, Borgnine was from Connecticut.

He spent 10 years in the Navy. He went briefly to Yale,

but he dropped out so he could attend

a really obscure drama school in Hartford,

the Randall School of Dramatic Arts.

And then he went down to Virginia

to do every kind of role possible at the Barter Theatre.

And then, he went back up to New York

and he got noticed for the first time

when he played the nurse in "Harvey" on Broadway in 1949.

He made his film debut in 1951.

And of course, his breakout film role

was Sergeant "Fatso" Judson in "From Here to Eternity."

He still would have been just a character actor,

playing heavies and thugs,

if it hadn't been for the role of a lifetime

as the shy, sensitive butcher who gets bullied by his family

and embarrassed to be in love with a very plain girl.

He got the Academy Award for "Marty."

And, you know, if you don't love "Marty," you don't love life.

Anyway, he made well over 100 films.

He was a regular in three series.

A lot of people know him from "McHale's Navy"

and as the center square on the first "Hollywood Squares."

Beloved guy in Hollywood, always a pro.

Was a little bothered by all the satanic content

in "The Devil's Rain," but he went with it.

He committed to it, and he pretty much steals the movie.

Borgnine was still an A-list movie star

when this movie came out, but William Shatner, who --

By the way, I've never seen him this ripped

and lumberjack-y, you know.

He was trying to find a career after "Star Trek."

In fact, he had a clause in his "Devil's Rain" contract

that he could leave the set for any "Star Trek" convention.

And he exercised that clause.

And that may be why, at this point in the movie,

he ceases to be the main character,

and the point of view switches to Tom Skerritt,

as his brother, and Tom Skerritt's

ESP-sensitive wife, played by Joan Prather.

I'll talk about them later.

Right now, though, I'm working with Yuki Nakamura,

the art director of "The Last Drive-In,"

better known as the Tokyo Cowboy.

Come on out. Come on out, Yuki, come on over.

We're working on the final battle plan

for the imminent destruction of all witches,

including, unfortunately, Darcy the Mail Girl.

She has gone over to the dark side.

Are you ready, Yuki?

-Yee-ha! -All right.

I'll take that as a yes. Oh. All right, Yuki.

We're going to need the following ingredients.

-Yes.

-Are you going to write these down?

-Uh, I'll remember.

-Okay. We need some bear's garlic.

-Bear's garlic. -We need a dead cat.

-Kill a cat and the bear?

-No, don't kill anything.

We find a dead cat and there is no bear.

Forget the -- -We don't need the bear?

-Bear's garlic is an herb. There's no bear.

It grows in a moist woodland. You need a moist woodland.

-Moist woodland. -Okay. Forget the bear's garlic.

Just find a dead cat.

-Dead cat. -Okay.

We're going to marinate the dead cat in anisette,

so we need some anisette.

-How do we find the anisette in the moist woodland?

-No. Yuki, you find anisette in a liquor store.

So... -Right. Liquor store.

-Okay, so -- So there's two things so far.

A dead cat and a bottle of anisette.

We're going to feed the marinated dead cat

to Black Annis.

Black Annis is a blue-faced giant hag, queen of the witches.

And if we do this, then the other old crone witches

won't be able to turn young again and entice the lads

of East Hanover to the Brocken.

-Can you repeat that?

-All right. Anisette. Just think anisette.

It comes in a bottle. -Right?

-Okay. What else? Okay. We need three more things.

We need rue. -Rue?

-Rue is a blue-leafed herb. It's a species of Ruta.

-Right. -Okay. We need mullein.

Mullein is a flowering plant. It's yellow.

-Yellow, yep.

-Don't you think you should be writing these down?

-I will remember. -Okay.

And then we need sweet woodruff.

Do you know what sweet woodruff is?

-The opposite of sour woodruff.

-Okay, Good enough.

Can you bring all that stuff at the next break?

-No problem. -All right.

Ahh. Thank you, Yuki.

We're going to banish the witches.

Don't you hate the witches? -No.

-Well, you should hate the witches.

It's Walpurgisnacht and we have to stop them before they

spawn demon children with Satan.

All right. So, Yuki, do your thing,

and we're going to go back to the movie now.

All right?

You know, witch fighting.

A lot of detail work with Walpurgisnacht, you know.

I was going to mention,

you know, a lot of people who watch this movie,

and a lot of people that watch this show,

they like to visit movie locations.

And "The Devil's Rain" would actually be a good one.

Durango would actually be sort of the movie location

visit extreme sport choice because...

But many, many Westerns, many, many other movies,

both Mexican movies and American movies --

mostly Westerns, though -- have been based at the same hotel.

The Campo México Courts, which are little tourist cabins

located on the Avenida de Vigésimo de Noviembre.

And they take these concrete slabs and they have the actors

and other celebrities on the movies

put their handprints and their footprints

and their spur prints and whatever,

and then they tack them up

on the brick wall of the parking area

at this tourist court thing.

It's like a combination of Grauman's Chinese

and the Hollywood Walk of Fame combined,

only it's in a cheap motel parking lot.

They have a huge one there for Chuck Connors

from when he starred in "Geronimo" as Geronimo,

if anybody remembers that movie.

And they have a special John Wayne Room,

where he did stay,

but instead of turning it into a luxury space,

they jammed four beds in there so huge families

can stay in the John Wayne Room.

So, anyway, they have all "The Devil's Rain" people

honored in concrete at this hotel.

Except Anton Szandor LaVey,

the high priest of the Church of Satan.

He got hired by Bryanston as an adviser to the movie

to make sure the black mass was said properly.

The people of Durango were not that crazy

about having Anton Szandor LaVey in town.

I mean, he stayed six weeks there

with his wife, Diane, who was the high priestess,

and they designed the costumes

and the medallions of the Satanists

and trapezoidal altar and the stained glass goat head.

The chapel has all those animal heads.

Those came from him.

Anton Szandor LaVey was one of the great con men of history.

He used that Church of Satan thing for years

to get jobs on movies, and this was one of the movies.

Anyway, if you go to the Campo México Courts

and you ask them to drive you out to where they filmed

"The Devil's Rain," they will do that.

Durango, though, is one of the loneliest places in Mexico.

And then, on top of that,

it wasn't filmed in the capital city.

It was filmed an hour and a half drive outside Durango.

So, yeah, they'll take you there,

but be sure to ask them if the ride back

is included, as well, if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

We should do Mutant Adventure Tourism, you know.

-"The Devil's Rain." "Nosferatu the Vampyre."

"Elvira's Haunted Hills."

All the most dangerous places in the world

where they've done movies.

"The Serpent and the Rainbow."

"Evil Dead," rural East Tennessee.

[Chuckles] Yes-aroonie.

♪♪

-Well, that really tears it.

That helicopter pilot said he hasn't seen anybody

in that ghost town in years, let alone yesterday.

What are we stuck with? A pile of empty clothes

and an old man's story I'm not even gonna take the trouble

to write up for a report.

All we need now is a flying saucer to really put this --

-All right, Sheriff, John's story is just as hard

for me to believe as it is for you,

but he's sure that Mark went to Redstone.

-That place is deserted!

-Where's my family then, where are they?

-All I know is that half this county

got blown away or flooded out last night.

Now, when John called me about your family,

my boys were bringing in a couple of bodies.

People were stuck in a car in that storm last night,

and it just tossed 'em around like a toy.

Well, look at the inside of your house, it's a shambles.

-You think a storm did that, Sheriff?

-Yes, I do.

-Then where's the family?

-Well, I don't know,

maybe they tried to run away before the wind hit.

-And they left John here, right?

No, Sheriff, the answer's in Redstone, you know that.

-Now, look son, if I had 100 men to help me,

it's gonna take me a long time

to clean up that mess the storm left me.

I'm gonna look for your folks, but I can't spare one man

to go down there to that ghost town.

-I'll go myself then, Sheriff.

-I can't stop ya.

Might as well take that old road,

the old one back down through the desert, it's clear.

I see you've got food,

but you better take plenty of water.

And you better take extra gas.

[Police radio chatter]

[Engine turns over]

Tell you what, you give me a call the minute you get back.

-Yeah, I will.

[Engine revs]

[Wind whistling]

-Ms. Julie, I-I saw them.

Th-They -- They had no faces.

I-I-I saw them.

-John, we're gonna find out what happened.

Now, I want you to listen to me and listen to me very carefully.

Dr. Richards is coming tomorrow.

Now, I want you to tell him everything you've told us

and tell him that we're going to Redstone to find my brother.

-D-D-Dr. Richards is coming here tomorrow and --

and you've gone to Redstone? -We've gone to Redstone.

And tell him everything you told us, all right?

-All right.

Wax.

-What is it?

What is that stuff?

-It's wax. -They just melted,

and we all saw.

-We better get going.

Look, try to get some sleep, okay?

Remember Dr. Richards? -Yeah, I remember Dr. Richards.

Now, you be c-careful. -All right, we will.

Y-You...

-Take care, John. We'll be back soon.

-[Muttering]

[Engine turns over]

-Where is the book?

[Organ playing softly]

In the name of Satan, lord of light,

I offer you peace and salvation.

Where is the book?

You gambled and you lost.

-You bastard.

-The torment of Hell holds no terror for you.

Behold, Lilith, queen of delights.

He truly believes he can deny us.

Show him.

♪♪

♪♪

-Mother.

-Martin Fyffe, thy vessel is prepared.

Your journey is about to begin.

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Wind whistling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine turns over]

♪♪

♪♪

[Discordant organ music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Weird, isn't it?

-I've seen churches like this in New England.

It doesn't belong here.

-Yeah, I noticed that from back there.

Here, I'm gonna go in.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Reading Latin]

-Devil worship.

-Oh, Tom, look at this.

This wax, it's the same that was on the porch.

Oh, God.

[Distant murmuring]

Shh, shh, what is that noise?

-Huh?

Mark.

-What is it?

-Mark's shirt.

[Explosion]

-[Gasps]

[Screams]

[Tires squeal]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Clatters] -Bitch!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Locked]

♪♪

[Screams]

[Grunting]

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

-Tom, here's some rope!

-[Grunting]

Here, tie him up.

♪♪

-What is it, Julie?

What -- what are you seeing?

-Book.

A-A long...

A -- a long time ago, I...

I can see them! They're...

They're looking for the book.

[Flames crackling]

They're looking for the book.

-One of thee has betrayed us.

-The book... -How so, Jonathan?

-The book is gone, my children.

The book is gone.

But I am not.

Didst one of thee fall from the favor of Lucifer?

Hmm? Ah-hah, but thou hast taken the pleasures of Satan

and in return, thou hast pledged

thy soul in blood in the book!

Without the book, thou art nothing.

Who?

Who amongst thee dares cast thee

into an eternity of limbo?

Who?

If the book is lost,

I, Jonathan Corbis,

Satan's minister on Earth,

cannot lead you to his everlasting kingdom.

♪♪

Now, who?

♪♪

♪♪

Martin Fyffe,

it is strange thy wife Aaronessa --

-Sh-she has been ill.

-...does not join us at worship this night.

-Sh-- [Knocking]

Be silent.

No one knows what we are about, silent.

[Knocking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Why, Preacher Blithe!

What manner of God's business keeps thee

from thy bed at this hour, sir?

-God's most holy business,

the condemning of evil!

-What say thee?

-Jonathan Corbis, thou stands accused

of foully conspiring with Satan and his demons

to overturn the laws of God.

Thou art named a witch, Corbis!

Thou and all who follow thee.

-Thou art the one!

Slut! [Crowd gasps]

Martin Fyffe, thy wife has betrayed us!

She was the one who stole the book!

-It's not my fault.

-That bitch howls our names to the heathen!

-I have faith, I have faith.

-One, two, three!

-Remember -- -One, two, three!

-Thou hast sworn not to harm my husband.

♪♪

-My son, the holy water,

the waxen images, thou knowest the holy procedures.

-One, two, three!

-We shall meet again soon, my boy.

Go.

-One, two, three!

♪♪

-They are upon us!

-One, two, three!

-[Chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Thou art sworn not to harm him.

-I will save his soul,

and thy soul too, if God allows.

As for thy bodies, they are polluted beyond redemption,

and must suffer accordingly.

-Thou vowed, thou vowed!

-Corbis, call on thy master now.

See what it suffices thee to bow to the devil.

Thou art guilty of the most heinous charge

of consorting with Satan and his minions.

Under the laws of this township, thou art condemned.

God save us from the forces of darkness.

-[Laughs] Think ye to destroy something stronger than life?

By ending life?

[Laughs]

As the cock will crow in the dawn after my body burns,

so too will the sun rise

and cast my shadow over this town

again and again, you fools!

[Laughs]

Burn, burn!

[Laughs]

Martin Fyffe, a curse on thee and thine forevermore.

I will follow thee and thy descendants

for all eternity.

Until the book is mine again,

thou art sworn to Satan,

and I will deliver thee to his glory.

Vengeance will be mine, Aaronessa.

Vengeance will be mine! [Laughs]

-He was, he was...

Aah! They were all burning, no!

-Julie, Julie!

Who was burning?

What are you talking about?

What is it?

-They're here.

[Eerie moaning]

-Who, what? What are you talking about?

-We -- we better go.

Come on, let's get out of here.

[Moaning continues]

♪♪

♪♪

-Let me out of here!

-Help! Please, help!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-You can't go back there, Tom.

-Look, honey, I've got to go back, you know that.

Now get to a phone and call the sheriff, okay?

Take care.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

[Thuds, static]

-Okay, Yuki, good job on the herbal torch

that we're going to use to kill the witches.

All right, so it starts out as a William Shatner movie,

but since he turns out to be a weak-kneed scaredy cat,

frightened by the eyeless Ida Lupino as his mom,

he's getting tortured upside down with his shirt off.

And so it becomes a Tom Skerritt movie,

as Tom takes his psychic wife to Redstone to find Shatner,

despite the warnings of Keenan Wynn

as the sheriff not to go there.

I love it when Keenan Wynn pops up in a movie.

I don't think Keenan Wynn ever had a lead role in his life,

but he must have been in 300 movies.

Keenan Wynn grew up on Broadway because his father, Ed Wynn,

was a superstar comedian.

And, um, and of course, they still remembered

his grandfather, Frank Keenan,

for his great versions of "King Lear" and "Macbeth"

on the stage -- so Keenan was a backstage brat

who got sent to Saint John's Military Academy.

And then he came back to New York

to make his stage debut in 1937

in "Hitch Your Wagon."

And then he made his film debut five years later

in "Somewhere I'll Find You."

And then the rest of his life, he was the quirky guy.

They have a picture of Keenan Wynn

next to the word "quirky" in the dictionary,

even though he was in lots of blockbusters

like "Touch of Evil," and "Dr. Strangelove,"

and "Once Upon a Time in the West,"

and having him play the sheriff in this movie

would have been a big deal.

Not so for Tom Skerritt, who plays Shatner's brother.

Skerritt was mostly known for television.

He was in tough guy shows. like "Combat"

and "The Virginian" and "Gunsmoke."

But he did have a big role in "MASH," the movie version.

Elliott Gould and Donald Sutherland

were the two main characters,

but then Skerritt was the third character

as Captain Duke Forrest,

but his heavyweight roles were still yet to come.

You know, he would he would star in, um,

"Alien" and "The Dead Zone,"

and probably the biggest role he had was

the flight instructor in "Top Gun."

Tom is in his late 80s, but I think

he is still doing shows.

And then we also have Joan Prather as Julie Preston.

Not many people remember Joan Prather today.

She was a Dallas girl, she was a varsity cheerleader

at Highland Park High School, class of 1968.

She made her film debut in 1973,

in "The Single Girls" as the only virgin in the cast.

And then she played the stuck-up heiress in "Big Bad Mama."

She did a lot of guest roles on TV.

Most popular role was probably

on "Eight is Enough" as Janet McArthur Bradford.

She quit acting in the '80s

when she married a lawyer.

But her real contribution to film history

is that she bonded with John Travolta

on the set of "The Devil's Rain,"

and John was apparently depressed

that he couldn't get his career started.

And now he was in this remote part of Mexico

wearing a hood and special effects makeup

that covered up his eyes.

And Joan Prather cheered him up by giving him giving him a copy

of L. Ron Hubbard's "Dianetics"

and recruiting him into Scientology.

And the rest is weird history.

And since we're on the subject of John Travolta,

we're going to see him in this next segment.

But you have to be really, really alert

because he's eyeless and he's in heavy makeup.

And the main way you'll know it's him is

by the distinctive chin.

And his line is, "Blasphemer! Blasphemer!"

And speaking of blasphemers -- Darcy...

sent the following message delivered by one of her minions.

Just got it.

"The Brocken is really fun."

You know, Darcy has to work on her demonic messaging.

Anyway, we're going to -- we're going to test

the satanic power of her coven.

And, Yuki, come on over. Are you prepared for battle?

-No.

-All right, well, let's get prepared.

I need a few more ingredients. -No.

-Yuki, do you want to defeat the witches or not?

-I did not like the moist woodland.

-You -- I told you don't go to the moist woodland!

Forget the moist woodland!

We X'd out the bears garlic.

We don't need that. -Okay?

-What we need is quarkkaulchen.

-Okay.

-You're not going to write that down, quarkkaulchen?

-I will remember.

-Quarkkaulchen, our special Walpurgisnacht cheese pancakes.

-Okay. -We need runic garden staves.

-Okay. -You don't know what

Runic garden staves are, do you?

-No. -The Runic garden staves

need to have messages carved into the tops of them.

-Yes.

-Using the Elder Futhark alphabet.

-Yes! -Ancient satanic alphabet.

A runic writing system brought into northwest Germany

by the Goths and the Franks in the third century.

-Yes. -Yuki, you know what?

Just go put on your witch fighting hat

and come back with a broom, and you can --

And we're going to light your broom on fire, okay?

-Yes. -All right. Good.

[Sighs]

Let's get back to the Satan worshiping Mafia classic,

"The Devil's Rain."

Roll it.

You know, there was a rumor that Robert Fuest

had a nervous breakdown right after

he finished shooting this movie.

And I think it's probably an exaggeration,

but this was a nightmare to shoot

because he was used to working at Elstree Studios in London.

He had the same crew there for years,

and now he was out in the middle of nowhere with this crew

that spoke no English, including his cameraman.

Plus, there was a cloud hanging over

the whole production the entire time

because of the mob's decision to cut 14 days off the budget

and not pay some of the vendors.

And Fuest was called in the day before they started shooting

and told that he would have only six weeks to shoot

instead of what he expected, eight weeks.

Plus, he kept going to the screenwriters

and saying, "I think we have some plot holes here."

And they just told him, "No, it's a perfect script,

shoot it as it is."

And he couldn't really do anything about that

because everything had to go through a guy named Vinny,

who was sent by the Colombo family to watch their money.

If he needed an extra piece of equipment,

you had to ask Vinny.

But Fuest needed the paycheck,

so he stayed on the production.

Plus, I don't think you want to quit

in the middle of a mafia financed movie.

I don't think that would be healthy.

Just guessing.

At this show, on the other hand, you don't have to

ask Vinny -- if you need something, you can ask anybody.

They'll all say no.

-Yeah!

-You -- what do you mean, Yuki?

You mean, yes, they'll say no?

-No!

-Okay. -Okay.

♪♪

[Wind blowing, low chanting]

[Chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chanting continues]

♪♪

♪♪

[Chanting continues]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

[Chanting stops]

-Hear me, o lord of life everlasting,

I, Jonathan Corbis, petition thee

to let me be thy voice on Earth.

O master of the world, hear me.

I petition thee.

♪♪

Hail, o prince of the abyss.

In thy name,

let us behold the father.

The ram of the sun,

the moon, the stars.

Hail, oh deathless one.

[Explosion]

-Who calls me from out of the pit?!

-[Crowd] We, thy children!

-What is thy purpose?

-[Crowd] Deliver us of a soul.

-[Corbis] Has it been prepared?

-It has.

-Then I command this soul to be purified by fire and water.

♪♪

-Almighty light

and burning flame of comfort,

enter this body

and cleanse it of its unworthy soul.

-[Screaming]

-Burn.

-[Screaming]

-Burn.

-[Screaming]

-Burn.

In the name of Satan, lord of fire.

In the name of Lucifer, bringer of light.

In the name of Belial,

master of the earth.

[Choking grunt]

Now, be sealed by the holy waters of forgetfulness.

♪♪

[Chanting]

Martin Fyffe, my servant...

come forth and claim the body

I have prepared for you.

[Chanting]

Open wide, the mysteries of your creation unto this soul.

Be friendly unto him,

for I am the same,

the true worshiper of the highest

and most exalted

King of Hell.

-Praise be...

The lord of light and darkness

who is my sole...

salvation.

[Chanting]

-Blasphemer, blasphemer!

-Seize him!

-You, my son, defiled all that is holy.

-Mother, my God, my God!

[Crowd shouting]

[Shotgun blasts]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming, body thuds]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Okay, where's Julie then? -The sheriff called,

he's got men on the road looking.

-That's where the car disappeared, right?

Can't find it?

Yeah, well that means that she's back there

in that damn place with Corbis.

-But they picked you up, didn't they?

-Oh, Sam, come on, let's face it!

The sheriff's got God knows how many storm victims

he's looking for, what do you think he's gonna say

when I tell him about waxen images

and eyeless faces, huh?

How about that one?

That goddamn -- [Glass shattering]

Son of a bitch!

And what about the disappearance of my family,

for crying out loud?

Well, Sam, I don't know what in the hell he wants

with my family, but, uh...

there's only one way to find out.

-Just slow down, slow down!

Let's try to find out what we're facing here!

-What are we facing? -Here, take a look at this.

-What is it, where'd you get it?

-It's a book, I got it from John, bequeathed to your mother,

it's been in your family for centuries, you haven't seen it.

-"Nathan Aldren." -Yeah?

-Martin Fyffe, that's the name he used

last night in the ceremony. -Right, right.

This -- this book was owned by Corbis,

what, 300 years ago?

It's a registry of the people,

the names of the people that he converted to Satan.

These are written in blood, these signatures.

These are people who believe that they've sold their souls

to the devil.

Here, this letter, read the letter.

-"I beseech thee, daughter, and all our daughters to follow,

to protect this book and keep it from the devil's disciple.

For so long as you do, Jonathan Corbis is powerless

to deliver his souls to Satan,

where I would rather my beloved husband, Martin Fyffe,

suffer the torments of the Devil's Rain."

-Devil's Rain, I -- -"For whilst imprisoned there,

I pray that Martin, through God's grace,

will find a way to scratch his name from its pages."

Signed Aaronessa Fyffe, Wellington, 1680.

Now, what in the hell is he waiting 300 years for?

-I don't know, maybe the right moment, who can --

-Or the right family.

-You'll never find the reason.

That Devil's Rain, that's new to me,

I've never heard of that.

-He mentioned that last night in his ceremony.

-Yeah? -He said something about,

"I condemn thy soul to the Devil's Rain."

-A-ha. You know, this Corbis,

this Corbis believes that he can separate souls from bodies.

-Oh, Sam, don't be ridiculous.

-It's an old superstition,

and what you described happened last night --

-Look, Sam, we're talking about something

neither one of us understand; In the meantime, I don't know

what in the hell's happened to Julie!

-Wait! Wait, Tom!

-What?

"Mark Preston."

-It wasn't there this morning.

-I'm going to Redstone.

-Did anybody catch a glimpse of Travolta?

You would only know him by his chin.

So after talking to Eddie Albert, the PhD in ESP,

Tom is going to Redstone.

Wasn't he already in Redstone? I'm so confused by this movie.

What's the connection between Mark Preston,

aka William Shatner, and Martin Fyffe,

aka the guy that Ernest Borgnine keeps talking about

when he's saying thee and thou

like a 17th century Puritan preacher.

And these blood signatures in the book.

Why does he need those? He -- he should know by now.

If you have no eyes, you're already Satan's bitch.

You don't really need the book to spot these people.

And by the way, Ernest Borgnine is awesome

as the goat head demon, right?

So, back to what I said before about him playing

four characters in this one: in the beginning,

he's the folksy rancher at the hitching post.

Then he's the satanic high priest in the hooded robe.

Then in that flashback sequence revealed to us

through Julie's ESP,

he's a pilgrim hunter who gets burned at the stake --

"Didst one of thee fall from the favor of Lucifer?"

And now he's the growling, goat-headed demon

devouring souls.

And then there's Eddie Albert.

Eddie Albert is sort of --

sort of a parallel career to Keenan Wynn.

He's always a featured supporting player.

He's never a star.

He started out as a trapeze flier in the circus.

He worked on the stage.

He worked on radio a lot.

He made his film debut in 1938,

and he worked in relative obscurity almost 20 years

before he got some recognition for his role

in Robert Aldrich's "Attack" in 1956.

He was the cowardly glory seeking officer.

And of course, most people know him

as Oliver Wendell Douglas on "Green Acres,"

the hit TV series that ran a while in the mid-'60s.

And so most people think he's a goofball.

But in real life, he was a stud.

He got a Bronze Star in World War II

because he skippered this landing craft

at the Battle of Tarawa,

one of the bloodiest battles in the Pacific.

And he rescued 70 wounded Marines

under constant heavy enemy fire.

He made repeated returns to the battle zone

to get more troops out of harm's way

after the Japanese slaughtered the initial attack force.

Anyway, multi-talented guy --

had a nightclub act with his Mexican wife, Margo.

He helped to launch the first Earth Day in 1970.

He wrote the first TV drama in 1936,

the same year he got his Warner Bros contract.

He was director of the US Council on Refugees.

He lived in Pacific Palisades

and had a cornfield in his front yard.

And how many people have this on their resume?

He produced the two sex education films

that were used in schools for 40 years,

"Human Beginnings" and "Human Growth."

They would show those in eighth grade.

And "Human Beginnings" was a whole lot more interesting

than "Human Growth." Anyway!

Now that we've gone Full Monty on Satan,

I think it's time to bring out the witch fighters

and start the extermination process.

So, Yuki, come on, Yuki, come on over.

Yuki. All right. Where are the --

We need witch fighters? Where are the lads?

-I have lads. -You have lads? Okay.

-[Whistles sharply]

-All right. So --

Oh, these are the lads?

All right.

So this is the Drive-In Army.

And remember, guys,

it's not numbers that count, it's fighting spirits.

So... Can I have a yea?

-Yay! -Yeah.

-Okay. Okay. All right, let's, uh,

let's take some besoms. Let's ignite the besoms.

Here -- you know, take one of these, take some horns.

We're going to win the horns. Take a horn.

Everybody take a horn and get ready to

flay some witches.

So, Yuki...

Ignite the torches!

[Cackling]

-♪ A witch is bound for the rockin' RV ♪

♪ The stubble is yellow and a new gray-green ♪

♪ All our number will gather there ♪

♪ And you know who will take the chair ♪

♪ So we race over hedges and ditches ♪

♪ The heed goat stinks, and so do the witches ♪

♪ Walpurgisnacht, Walpurgisnacht ♪

♪ Now to the Brocken we witches ride ♪

♪ It's why your anus will come ringside ♪

♪ Over the valley our company floats ♪

♪ Laughing and farting on stinking goats ♪

♪ The stench is foul but the moon is bright ♪

♪ As we dance on through the night ♪

♪ Walpurgisnacht, Walpurgisnacht ♪

-Yuki, what the hell?!

-I have no matches.

-I told you to get matches!

-It wasn't on the list.

-There is no list! I told you to make a list.

But you said "I can remember."

Therefore we ended up with no list.

Matches would be on the list if we had a list --

[Blade rings, slices]

[Snarling, laughing]

[Spurt]

[Laughter continues]

♪♪

♪♪

[Lights flicker]

[Wind whistling softly]

♪♪

-In the names of the great harlot of Babylon,

and of Lilith, and of Hecate,

our lust will be fulfilled.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Adore her pleasure.

You are chosen among mortals

for immortal delight.

♪♪

Who denies pleasure, denies life.

Who opens the portals of pleasure,

opens the eye of eternity.

-No.

-So we may see the divine fire.

-No! No!

[Wood creaking]

-Tom, listen.

[Faint moaning]

Tom! Tom, come here.

Give me a hand.

These are symbols of Satan, exactly as it said in the book.

-Yeah, well, that figures.

[Moaning]

What is that?

[Moaning]

-Oh, Tom! Tom!

-What?

[Moaning]

-Souls. -Oh, God.

-Possessed by Corbis for 300 years,

from Wellington until now.

-The Devil's Rain?

[Souls moaning]

[Moaning continues]

Sheriff?

♪♪

-Watch out, Tom!

♪♪

[Sheriff screams, explosion]

[Chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

-Oy, Tom, Tom.

-What? -Take this.

[Chanting]

[Hinges creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chanting continues]

♪♪

[Chanting continues]

[Chanting stops]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Put her on the altar of the holy flame.

I will prepare her for eternity.

-No, no! Julie!

Julie!

♪♪

[Muttering]

[Tom yelling]

[Grunting]

-You, my brethren, found the book.

You may now bring down the vessel

so we may restore it to its holy place.

-That won't be necessary.

[Crowd gasping]

[Moaning]

-Ah! Doctor, um...

-Richards.

-Dr. Samuel Richards, yes.

I've been aware of your work

through these many years, Doctor.

-Corbis, you want the Devil's Rain.

I want Tom and Julie Preston.

I do not underestimate your powers,

nor do I overestimate them.

-Thank you, Doctor.

I'm grateful that you are aware of them, sir.

-Unless you allow Tom and Julie Preston

to leave here safely...

[Crowd gasping]

I will destroy the Devil's Rain!

-Martin Fyffe, our salvation is at hand!

Bring me forth the vessel.

-No, no, no, listen, listen to me.

You have the power now to end your torment!

Destroy the bottle!

Without the Devil's Rain, he has no hold on you!

You're free to choose!

-Martin Fyffe, you are sworn to Satan.

Come forth for your salvation.

-This is your last chance!

In all eternity, it will never come again!

Without the Devil's Rain, he has no hold on you.

You're free to choose, Aaronessa was right!

This is your last chance!

-The heathen lies.

-In all eternity, it will not come again.

Free the souls and free yourself!

-If you destroy the Devil's Rain,

you will wander through eternity a creature of nothing,

neither of heaven nor of hell.

-In God's name, Martin!

Believe as Aaronessa believed!

You can be saved!

Break the bottle!

-You are sworn to Satan, Martin Fyffe!

-No, you're not, Martin! Break it!

Remember Aaronessa!

-A-Aaronessa.

[Moaning grows louder]

-Let me out of here!

[Explosion]

[Screaming]

[Screaming, thunder crashing]

[Screaming continues]

[Screaming, moaning]

[Loud scream]

[Rumbling]

-Corbis!

Corbis!

-[Roars]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Tom groaning]

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Crowd screaming]

-No! No, no, God, no!

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

[Low howling]

[Growling]

[Explosion]

[Crowd screaming]

[All screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Thunder crashing]

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Crowd moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Wailing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Explosion]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Tom?

Tom?

Tom.

Oh, Tom.

[Laughing]

-No, Tom!

No, Tom! Tom!

No, no! Help!

No!

Tom!

No, no, no!

No, no!

No!

No, Tom, help! Help me!

[Moaning]

-Oh.

Well, Darcy, thank God for Obamacare.

-You deserve that.

-Ahh, so... there you have it.

We just watched the ultimate cult movie.

It's the story of a cult.

It has a cult following.

Um...a genuine cult leader.

Anton Szandor LaVey was the technical advisor

and had a part in it, head of the Church of Satan,

John Travolta was indoctrinated into a cult while on the set.

Unfortunately, John gets melted along with everybody else

except for Tom Skerritt,

Joan Prather, and apparently Ernest Borgnine.

So thank you, Darcy, for giving my head back.

You know, that was -- that was supposed to be

a pitched battle between the witches and the righteous.

-Well, the witches won.

-But it was over in, like, three seconds.

I mean, the Tyson/Spinks fight was longer than that.

I didn't get to use any of my herbs, my torch.

-Sorry. I was all sexed up from the action on the Brocken.

-Really? And that turns you into an ax murderer?

-Just a very empowered witch.

You were trying to kill us.

-Well, yeah.

-Well, sometimes, the witches win.

-Yeah, but they win by seducing their prey,

not hacking off their heads.

-Do not judge my technique.

-Oh, whatever. Okay, so,

the Devil's Rain entombs people in a contraption

that looks like half bowling trophy and half snow globe.

Right? And if you're not in the snow globe, you just melt.

And everybody melted real good.

How long did those melting bodies go on?

-Dude, I love the melting bodies.

-So, yeah, a half hour of melting bodies there at the end.

But I wanted to mention the other reason

"The Devil's Rain" has gone down in film history.

You know, the first reason being

is the way John Travolta discovered Scientology,

because Joan Prather did what's called an "assist"

on Travolta one day when he was really depressed.

Have you ever done an assist on somebody, Darcy?

-Oh, yeah. -I'll bet your assists are

better than, you know, L. Ron Hubbard's assists.

-I can guarantee you that they are.

-Okay.

Anyway, the second reason that "The Devil's Rain" is famous

in film history is that in the sequence we just watched,

William Shatner is wearing a mask

designed by Don Post Studios.

-Yeah! -And I know --

and I know why you're "Yay"-ing it, you know,

because Don Post Studios did the three masks

used in "Halloween III."

-Yes, they did. -Yeah, and, um --

But this is 1975, and everybody needed a mask

because they were all eyeless.

But that mask that they used when Shatner was melting away

ended up in a magic shop on Hollywood Boulevard.

I guess they sold it, or the magic shop bought it.

And when they were making "Halloween" in 1978,

somebody on the effects crew went in there

and bought it for 50 bucks and spray painted it white.

And it was worn by the stuntman Nick Castle as Michael Myers.

So William Shatner's eyeless face

became the most iconic mask in horror.

-I knew it was a Shatner mask, but not from here.

That's cool. -Yeah.

Robert Fuest, the director,

would make a couple more movies, and then he would go back

to teaching at a school in Southampton

that he'd been associated with for most of his life.

His first career was as a painter

before he became a production designer,

and he was one of those Brits

who didn't really buy into the "I must direct" lifestyle.

He was most interested in production design and art.

He wasn't very fond of "The Devil's Rain."

He didn't have anything to do with the editing.

He always thought those melting sequences

went on too long and bored the audience.

Today he's -- he's really all but forgotten,

except when somebody wonders who directed

those Dr. Phibes movies, because he did those.

He had a really interesting sci-fi flick in 1973

called "The Final Program,"

about some scientists who build a perfect,

immortal half man, half woman.

Roger Corman admired that film

and picked it up for New World Pictures.

Nobody watches that today.

He also had a really interesting take on "Wuthering Heights."

He did a "Wuthering Heights" movie that AIP released it

with Timothy Dalton as Heathcliff.

Nobody remembers that one either.

He died in 2012,

but if you ask him what was his best work,

he talked about --

he did these ten after-school specials.

He made them in New York in the late '70s,

early '80s for Highgate Pictures.

And the most famous of those was "The Gold Bug,"

which was based on Edgar Allan Poe's story,

which won an Emmy.

This was near the end of Ida Lupino's career.

She was hitting the bottle pretty hard during filming.

She was still considered the B-movie Bette Davis --

even as Bette Davis was nearing the end of her career

in a series of B movies.

And a lot of people say that Ida Lupino

was the first female director of any stature.

But that's not true because Dorothy Arzner

had been directing since 1922.

She had a lot of silent films.

Ida Lupino didn't direct her first movie till 1950.

Anton Szandor LaVey,

the founder of the Church of Satan,

actually founded the Church of Satan on

Walpurgisnacht 1968.

-LaVey was the technical advisor to the movie,

and LaVey loved Hollywood -- he had befriended

Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield,

Sammy Davis Jr. -- Sammy Davis Jr.

was briefly a member of the Church of Satan.

Anyway, he would -- he would attach himself to movies

throughout the '70s, and for this one,

he wrote extensive notes and he taught the extras

to chant in the language of Enochian,

which is a language delivered by angels

to a 16th century English magician.

In other words, yes, LaVey was one of our great con men,

but he passed away in 1997.

Apparently, Satan failed to grant him immortality,

but the church still exists today.

It's no longer in San Francisco, though.

It's in Poughkeepsie. And that's just wrong.

I mean, the Church of -- the Church of Satan

cannot be in Poughkeepsie.

John Travolta turned 21 during the filming of the movie.

And LaVey did a success rite for Travolta's birthday,

and before he got back to L.A.,

Travolta had been cast in "Welcome Back, Kotter."

So, we don't know whether it was Scientology

or Satan, but Travolta was using everything he could find

from the dark side.

And the movie was a commercial flop.

Definitely a critical flop.

Roger Ebert put it on his list of top ten most hated movies.

But we know Roger never really liked horror to begin with.

But somebody who does love horror and who does love

"The Devil's Rain" is our resident Satanist,

Darcy the Mail Girl.

You're a fan of this movie, right?

-It's a little slow, but overall great.

It's hard to hate a film with that many melting faces.

-You thought it was slow, though?

I thought it was nonstop satanic action,

but it just doesn't make sense.

-Making sense is overrated.

-Don't I know that! Okay.

-Plus it had the all star cast with Borgnine,

Shatner, Travolta, Lupino,

and surely the greatest film that any of them have ever done.

-The greatest film any of those people have ever done?!

-Yeah. -I mean --

Oh, you're totally right, Darcy. I mean,

because "From Here to Eternity,"

I mean, yeah. -Right. Nothing.

"Pulp Fiction." Yeah.

"Marty," you know, it's like -- -"Devil's Rain."

-None of those compare to "Devil's Rain," okay.

-I am glad that you agree.

All right. You ready for mail? -Yep.

-Our letter tonight comes from Mark Wilber

of Hampton, New Hampshire.

-Hampton, New Hampshire. -Yes.

-All right.

Oh...

"Dear Joe Bob and Darcy,

My name is Mark Wilber from Hampton, New Hampshire.

I'm 32 years old and just wanted to say

I'm a big fan after discovering 'The Last Drive-In' on Shudder

when the original full marathon premiered a few years back.

I had no idea who you were

or what I was in for, to be honest,

and, boy, was I missing out.

Both of you, and I'm sure a bunch of

behind the scenes folks make it fun,

and us horror fans are blessed to have you to entertain

and inform us on old and new films.

My dad got me into horror at a young age,

and I've been hooked ever since.

I'm a big wrestling fan, and I think

subconsciously I remember 'Monstervision' commercials

during WCW on TNT,

but I was too young to watch or know what it was.

I'm that odd mix of sports/horror/wrestling fan

and I have no one around me with similar interests.

I guess if I had one question, it would be,

What's your favorite horror-sports movie?

Is there one? Ha ha.

Sorry for a long letter.

I know it was all over the map,

but I just needed to let you know

you got me through some recent hard times

and it would be an honor to meet you one day.

God bless and thank you again,

Your friend and mutant,

Mark Wilbur, Hampton, New Hampshire."

Wow. Mark, interesting question. I've never thought

about the sports-horror subgenre -- "Rollerball"?

Would "Rollerball" count?

"Death Race 2000."

Is that a sports horror movie? -Maybe.

-"The Fan"? That was kind of like "Misery."

"Teen Wolf." -The basketball.

-Werewolves on the basketball court?

I don't know. That's a tough one.

We're going to have to look that up.

-I mean, there's a few,

but I think you would like "Fatal Games."

-"Fatal Games"? I don't know that one.

-It's an '80s slasher about a javelin thrower

who kills all the jocks. -With a javelin?

-He kills all the -- all the jocks with a javelin?

-Obviously. Yeah. -Okay.

Well, fodder for a later show, but thanks, Mark,

for your thoughtful letter and...

And by -- and yes, the question he asked.

It's true. Back in the '90s, my show on TNT

was frequently scheduled to follow WCW Wrestling.

-Yeah! -But, um...

That pretty much wraps up this year's Walpurgisnacht.

What did we learn tonight, Darcy?

-Hmm, that satanic sex is really, really good.

-Did we really? -We did.

You should have been there.

-You know, I don't think that is really

the spirit of the holiday.

It's part of the holiday.

-It should be the spirit of it.

-All right. Well, that's it for us,

Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy the Mail Girl,

reminding all you young film students out there

that creativity is great,

but plagiarism is faster.

And the drive-in will never die.

-What? -A man with

a 25 inch long penis --

-Wow.

-Well, speaking of the spirit of the holiday.

-You know you want to hear this one.

-I do. -Man with

a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor

and he says, "No women will have sex with me, Doc.

They say my penis is too long." The doctor says,

"Well, medically, there's really nothing I can do about that.

But I do know a witch doctor

who may be able to help you out."

And the guy gets directions to the witch doctor.

And he tells the witch doctor his story.

"My penis is 25 inches long

and nobody will have sex with me.

Can you help me shorten my penis?"

And so the witch doctor --

the witch scratches her head, and she thinks for a minute

and then she says "I think I have a solution.

to your problem -- what you have to do

is go to this pond that's deep in the forest.

And when you get there, you're going to see a frog

sitting on a log.

Ask that frog, 'Will you marry me?'

And each time the frog declines your proposal,

your penis will be five inches shorter."

And so the man dashes off into the forest.

And he finds that frog.

And he calls out to the frog, 'Will you marry me?'

And the frog looks at him contemptuously and says,

"No!" The man looks down --

sure enough, his penis is five inches shorter.

'Wow, he says, 'this is great, but he's still too long.'

He thinks he's still too long at 20 inches.

And so he asks the frog again. He shouts out,

'Frog, will you marry me?'

The frog rolls his eyes

and he screams back at him, 'No!'

Guy feels another twitch in his penis.

He looks down, it's another five inches shorter.

And he goes, 'This is fantastic, you know,

but it's 15 inches long.'

He said, 'Oh, well, it's still a monster.

A little less will probably do it.'

So he looks across the pond and he yells out,

'Frog, will you marry me?'

Frog is pissed off now.

And he says, "How many times do I have to tell you:

No, no, and for the last time, no!'

-Oh, no.

Wow.

Really? That's your joke?

-It's a witch joke and a Walpurgisnacht joke.

-I guess. Cheers.

[Laughter]

-♪ We are drive-in mutants

-♪ Drive-in mutants

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

-♪ Other people

-♪ We are sick -♪ Sick

-♪ We are disgusting -♪ Disgusting

-♪ We believe in

♪ Yeah, we believe in

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ Yeah, we believe in

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ If life had a vomit meter

-♪ Vomit meter

-♪ We'd be off the scale

-♪ Off the scale

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke

-♪ Boogie till we puke

-♪ The drive-in will never die

♪ We will boogie till we puke

-♪ Boogie till we puke

-♪ The drive-in will never die

-♪ We believe in

♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ We believe in

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ Yeah, we believe in