All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-In.With.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S20E03.Witchboard.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

-♪ I've been thinking
'bout our cradle ♪

♪ The way it used to sway

♪ When the magistrates
were squealing by ♪

♪ And the roaches ran away

♪ The men would come to Memphis
♪

-You know, I don't call up
my bank to listen to

the fuckin' "Nutcracker Suite."

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go

♪♪

[Static crackles]

-Tonight!

We continue our holy crusade,
our crusade to bring

Walpurgisnacht to America.

The night of the witches,
the night of Satan worship,

the night that's exactly
six months after Halloween,

the night when the line between
the living and the dead

is so thin that Michael Jackson
could do a sequel to "Thriller",

Cher could talk to Sonny,

the Beatles could have
a reunion concert,

my grandpa could send me jokes
again that he got out of

The Saturday Evening Post
in 1937.

But mostly, it's about witches,
evil witches, nasty witches,

witches that are flying on
broomsticks and pitchforks,

headed for the Brocken.

The Brocken is the mountain in
Germany where

the Witches' Sabbath
takes place,

the all night orgy with Satan.

The witches are like
Satan groupies.

They're trying to get
a backstage pass

and an invitation to climb
aboard the Beelzebub tour bus.

So, Darcy, you have a decision
to make tonight.

-What's that, boss?

-Darcy the Mail Girl,
ladies and gentlemen,

here to handle the social media
that comes in from

all nations of the world.

And how many e-mails came in
today from Tanzania, Darcy?

-Um, zero.

-All but one nation
of the world.

Darcy is here to field your
tweets, your instas,

your TikToks,
your probing questions.

Darcy is of the opinion that
when the movie is on,

you should be typing
stuff on Twitter.

My opinion is that when
the movie is on,

you should be
watching the movie!

How old fashioned of me.

-Some people can do both
at the same time.

Maybe you should post more
during the movie.

-I'm watching the movie, okay?

Anyway, Darcy, you have
a decision to make because

everybody dresses up like
a witch on Walpurgisnacht,

but one person does it to
confuse the witches.

It's a witch disguise.
You're like an undercover agent.

And another person does it
to be a witch

because in most villages of
central Europe,

the main purpose on
Walpurgisnacht is

to burn the witches.

Reduce them to ashes.

Make those unholy,
green faced vixens

crash and burn on
the flight path into

the Hexen --

Hexentanzplatz.

-The what now?

-Pay attention, Darcy.
The Hexentanzplatz.

I explained it last year.

You know, I can't go over
the whole history of

Walpurgisnacht every year.

But the Hexentanzplatz is
the witches dance floor.

It's the place on the mountain
where the witches,

they do lap dances for Satan.

-Ooh. Can I got?

-Yeah, well, yes.
But let me finish this.

So half the people on
Walpurgisnacht are trying

to kill the witches before
they make it to the mountain,

and the other half are witches
trying to fly to the mountain.

So which one do you want to be?

-Have you met me?

-Okay, you're a witch.
-Yes.

-I get it. I'm gonna be
witch finder general.

Burn, baby, burn!

-Sex with Satan, baby.

-Alright, so polar opposites,
as usual.

So as we go through
the Walpurgisnacht rituals

tonight, you know, the history,
the traditions,

the customs that we hope we can
transfer from Europe to America,

so we can start celebrating
the second Halloween over here.

A few of our Mutant Fam
are doing it this year.

-Yay!

-I'm gonna dish the info
on the witch burning,

and you are gonna go with
the broom stick lore, okay?

-Okay.
-Actually, the more hard core

witches prefer
to fly on pitchforks

instead of broomsticks.

-Team pitchfork, baby.

And by the way, all you
Wiccans out there,

look, we know your cuddly
and friendly and you do

white magic, not black magic.

You don't have to
convince us of that.

Any time we talk about witches,
we get Wiccans that want to

come on the show, talk about
group hugs, alright?

We're going to the nasty side!

We're not doing the group hugs.
We don't need that.

And by the way, Darcy,
the colors on Walpurgisnacht,

everything on Walpurgisnacht is
the opposite of Halloween.

So Halloween is
orange and black,

Walpurgisnacht is blue and white

because we're not
messing around this year.

We are doing everything
absolutely by

the Walpurgisnacht book.

-There's a rule book for it?

-There's actually so much crap
about Walpurgisnacht written

over so many centuries.

They don't even ask me for ID
when I go to

the New York Public Library
reading room.

-Oh, my God, you do that?

-Yeah, I've been there
so many times,

they don't even ask me
for ID anymore.

-Wait, okay, you went to
the library for witches night?

-Not just to the library.

Have you even seen the New York
Public Library reading room?

That sucker is like
two city blocks long.

It has these 100 foot ceilings.

But the main is that's where you
have to go to get access to

those 4 million books that they
keep under the ground

because they're so, you know,
rare and fragile and everything.

-I mean, isn't that
all online now?

-No! Darcy.

You know, we don't need to be

discussing the reading room
right now.

The point is, there are books
and treatises and paintings

and religious texts in all kinds
of languages about

Walpurgisnacht for every century
since May 1, 870,

which is -- let me do
the math on that --

1,200 years ago.

-Wow! You know the exact date?

-Yes, because
the Catholic church

canonized Saint Walpurga,
the enemy of witches,

on that day.

Before that, the holiday
was called Beltane.

And it's Pagan.
Remember from last year?

Austin, do you have
that Celtic --

Oh, I have the Celtic calendar.

-But you know what? We're good.

We do not need
the Celtic calendar.

-Too late. We're bringing out
the Celtic calendar.

Alright, so anyway.

To look at a lot of those books
and treatises, you have to

fill our a stack slip so that
one of the library employees

can descend into the vast
underground tunnels of the NYPL

and bring it out for you.

And then you can't get another

book till you give
that one back.

-That is fascinating.

-Well, you're the one that
expressed, you know,

amazement that Walpurgisnacht

would have
a rich literary history.

-No, I expressed amazement that
you would go sit in

the library all day to plan
an intro for a horror movie.

-Darcy, I am appalled.

I'm appalled that
you don't appreciate

the cultural landscape that
we're exploring here.

Not just the landscape of
Germany and Scandinavia,

which are the main places where
Walpurgisnacht is celebrated

today, but the ancient cultures
of Moravia and Bohemia.

-Do we even have a movie?
-Yes, of course we do.

The movie is "Witchboard"!
-Yay!

-Because it's witches night.

-Although "Witchboard" is not
really about witches.

It's kind of a "bro movie."

-That's true.
It is kind of bromance.

But Tawny Kitaen gets
kind of witchy.

And it has the Ouija board,
which is a famous tool of

necromancers and mediums.

-Do witches do that?

-I think so.
-You don't know, though?

There wasn't a book about it in
that fancy library

nerd reading room that
you were hanging out at?

-Very funny. Okay, look, Darcy.

I'm gonna explain this
one more time.

Alright, see, here's all
the Pagan holidays.

And here, we'll put
it at the top.

This one is -- here we go.
Right here.

-Okay.
-This is Samhain.

-It's what now?

-Well, it's "sa-when".

You know, Halloween.
Halloween.

Samhain, "sa-when."

You know, being a Pagan
is like being in Quebec.

You have to say everything
three times.

And the over here at
the exact opposite,

six months later, is Beltane,
which became Walpurgisnacht,

which we're gonna call
Witches Night

because nobody can pronounce
Walpurgisnacht.

And it sounds like a German
medical term for bulimia.

So everything revolves around
the seasons,

which means everything revolves
around the sun and the moon,

which means everything revolves
around crops and livestock

and sex and childbirth.

So, for example, on Beltane,
you're especially worried

about the cattle.

You don't want the witches
making the cattle barren.

So like in 1589,

8,000 witches went the Brocken.

Went to the mountain that year.

And the towns around the Brocken
did not have milk all year long.

-That's a good thing.

[Laughter]

-They weren't vegans, Darcy.

-Sorry.
-They raised cattle,

and they fished,
and they killed wild game.

But the witches actually took
that one step further.

They used the flesh of babies
to make themselves young.

-Oh, they still do that.

-They do not do that.
-Oh, my God.

Babies skin cells,

they honestly do that at
beauty treatment places.

-They do?
-They do.

-Are they beauty treatment
places run by witches?

I mean, what...
-I mean, some are judging by

what they charge you.

[Laughter]

-You weren't even
shocked by that!

You weren't even shocked by
baby flesh eating.

You know, oh, baby flesh.
Oh, yeah, I've heard of that.

-It's true.
-Okay, so all of this is

Druid stuff, and it goes back
thousands of years,

before recorded literature.

And we know they did it in
Ireland and Scotland,

in many parts of Central Europe,
and it was full of all kinds of

creepy stuff like ritual
human sacrifice and nature gods

and goddesses.

And the goddess they worshipped
at Beltane was Diana.

-Whoo-hoo!

-And the goddess of sex
fertility and nature.

She was like Claudia Jennings
in "Gator Bait."

Nubile, barefoot,
frolicking in the woods.

-I could do that.
-I know you can.

But over time, it got to
be less and less about cattle

and more and more about sex.

And of course, these
wild Brocken orgies,

they might be having sex
with the cattle!

'Cause I looked up some
of the drawings of

the Brocken orgies,
and the first one I look at,

it shows a witch licking
the anus of a demon

in the shape of a goat.

And I mean, you know, at first,
when they the orgies

on the Brocken,
that sounds good.

You know, hey, people,
there will be an orgy

on the mountain tonight,
you know?

But then they add,
"Anus goat licking included,"

and it's not so cool anymore,
you know?

-No kink shaming.

-No what?

-Kink shaming.
-I'm kink shaming?

-Don't be judgmental.
How about that?

-Alright, far be it from me to
criticize someone's

livestock fetishes.
-Exactly.

-So anyway, over time,
the woodland revels

get so far out of hand that
the Catholic church decides

they have to stamp it out.

-What got out of hand?

-Woodland revels.

-Okay, just checking.
Just checking.

-So they choose a famous female

because Beltane
is all about women.

And they tell everybody --

the famous female
is Saint Walpurga.

And so they tell everybody
it's no longer Beltane.

It's Walpurgisnacht,
named after Saint Walpurga,

who drove the witches
out of the Saxon abbeys

at Heidenheim and Eichstatt.

With their superior Jesus magic.

You know, the nuns have this
Jesus magic kind of stuff.

Actually, if you go
to Eichstatt today,

oil flows out of the tomb of
Saint Walpurga from

October 12th to February 25th.

I don't why it's
just those days.

You can drink the oil,
or you can put it on our body

and be healed and protected
from witches.

So anyway, they chose her
because she was anti-witch.

So Beltane became
Walpurgisnacht.

Walpurga's Night,
not Witches Night.

It was a "take back the night"
move by the Catholic church.

-Are we watching
a movie tonight?

-Yes, but let me set it up.

-I feel like you've set it up.

-Alright, I haven't told you
all the types of witches...

-Oh, my God.
-...that fly to Brocken

on Beltane.

-Maybe after we start the movie.

-Because you have to decide
which witch or which witch type

you're choosing for
our later reenactment

of the burning of the witches.

-What happened to
sex with Satan?

-That only happens if you don't
get burned up first.

But on Walpurgisnacht,
the witches always get --

the witches always get
burned up first.

-This was more fun last year
when you talked about alcohol

and then ran bare ass through
the woods all night.

-Alright, yeah, well,
we can do the alcohol,

but I'm not exactly proud of
being a meme illustrating

incoherent drunkenness.

Did you do that?
Did you create that?

-I didn't. People did it 'cause
they loved it.

They love that meme.

-Well, this year, it's all about
sex and fire, Darcy.

-I'm there.
-Okay.

"Witchboard."

-[Laughs] Thank you.

-"Witchboard" is the sensitive
story of some L.A. party animals

who start monkeying around with
a Ouija board so they can talk

to a dead kid named David,
and the result is that

several of them get their brains
dashed to Jell-O because

an evil Portuguese mass murderer
jumps through the Ouija,

grabs a movie camera that
floats around a house

like Casper the Ghost
on angel dust

then Linda Blairs the body
of Tawny Kitaen.

Remember Tawny from
"The Perils of Gwendoline"?

You know, where she dressed up
like a Home Depot appliance

and tossed her cookies inside
the volcano?

Remember that?

This time, Tawny is the prize
meat in the love triangle

between a three-piece
suit wearing holy yupster

named Brandon and a drunk named
Jim who keeps saying,

"Hey, I don't talk to
cardboard, man."

The story is about how you
should jack with a Ouija

by yourself, especially
if you've been smoking

Arkansas polio weed or throwing
down those Vaseline cocktails

they sell on the street
in Tijuana

because that gives the evil
Ouija spirits a chance to be

real nice to you until
you start vomiting

and saying the F-word a lot.

As soon as that happens,
a trained psychic can

immediately diagnose you

as having bug-eyed
demon head disease.

But by then, it's too late.

The guys in the flick eventually
have to go out to a boat dock

at Big Bear Lake and sit there
with the Ouija on their lap

so they can get the spirit to
come out in the open

and levitate some axes and talk
through a larynx box

like evil spirits
are expected to.

So, let's take a look at those
Drive-In Totals.

And let's cue air traffic
control to be on the lookout

for crazed harridans all sexed
up for Satan

with torch bearing villagers

trying to shoot them
out of the sky.

We have 4 breasts,
5 dead bodies,

2 undead bodies, 1 pint blood,

1 demonic weejee board,
11 meaningless jump scares,

sundial impalement,
aggressive POV ghost camera,

Tawny Kitaen teleportation
wall bashing,

head chopping, ax attack, demon
stabbing, exploding weejee,

demon possessed barrels,
demon possessed ketchup bottle,

hatchet to the forehead,
aardvarking, tire slashing,

1 major construction site
safety violation.

slow-mo third story
picture window plunge,

gratuitous Biblical
cocktail party convo,

gratuitous juggling
police lieutenant,

gratuitous fog shrouded
cemetery,

gratuitous Rose Marie,

head rolls, kung fu,
oil drum fu, weejee fu,

planchette fu, plumbing tool fu,
sheet rock fu,

strangulation fu,
dream vision fu,

microfiche fu.

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations for JP Luebsen,

as Malfeitor, the evil
Portuguese spirit,

for disconnecting
all the phones.

Kathleen Wilhoite as
the rainbow haired punk psychic

that gets impaled on a sun dial.

Tawny Kitaen for her big
"trapped in the shower

by the Ouija spirit" scene.

And Todd Allen as Jim for
saying, "He's about as clever

as a bag full of doorknobs."

Also, a special screenwriting
nomination for the director,

Kevin Tenney, for the following
conversation between

the two guys searching for
the evil spirit --

"What's our first move
when we get there?"

Big Bear Library.

Why? Why not?"

2 1/2 stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

I have a question
about witches, though.

Why is the most famous
wicked witch in all movies

from the west?

In "The Wizard of Oz",
why is she from the west?

Aren't we the west?

Isn't going west
the way of America,

the path toward freedom?

When we say "the west", don't
we mean Europe and America?

And why is the good witch,

Glenda, why is
she from the north?

Victor Fleming directed
"The Wizard of Oz."

He was an L.A. native.

He wouldn't want to
put down the west.

Flintridge.
He's from Flintridge.

Isn't that part of L.A.?

-Oh, are you asking me?

-You don't party in Flintridge?

-No.
-Anyway.

Anyway, they're kind of saying
that Dorothy should have gone

due north from Kansas,
where she would be safe.

And what's due north of Kansas?
Nothing.

There's nothing
due north of Kansas.

Winnipeg.
-Whoo!

-She would be happy in
Winnipeg, alright?

But instead, she goes west,
where the witch is trying

to steal her shoes all the time.

Isn't that the plot
of "The Wizard of Oz"?

-No.
-Yes, it is.

-No, it's not.
-Margaret Hamilton,

the greatest witch
in film history,

represents the vicious west, the
cesspool of Hollywood itself.

And all the good people live
in Saskatchewan.

You know?
Where they make --

What do they do? What's the main
industry of Saskatchewan?

Wheat?
-Sure.

-Lentils. I know
they make lentils.

You know, they send
legumes all over the world

to vegans like yourself, Darcy.

-Are you making a point?
-Yes.

My point...

There are no flying monkeys
in Saskatchewan.

-Wow, that's your point?

-That's one of my points, yes.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

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[Indistinct chatter]

-I'm telling you,
that's the problem.

[Indistinct chatter]

-Well, if you don't believe
in God, Brandon,

then how do you explain
the creation of the universe?

-How do you explain
the creation of God?

-He's always existed.
-So has the universe.

-Bullshit.

-Why? Why is that harder to
accept than your God?

-There is no way that
intelligent life

could have formed so quickly

without some kind of
divine intervention.

-Come on, Roger,
now you can't honestly

count someone like Jim here as
intelligent life, can you?

-That's good.
I'm impressed, Brandon.

I mean, that's almost witty.

Almost.

I'm gonna get another drink.

-Like father, like son, huh?

-You just don't know
when to quit, do you?

-Michael, I'm waiting.
-Okay.

-How does he do this?

-Speak of the devil.

-Don't.
I've had enough religious

discussion for one night.

-What?

-When did you guys get here?

-Just walked in, man.

-What, are you leaving me out
there with Lyndon's,

uh, law school chum?

-Sorry.
-Priorities, man.

Jack first, hello second.
What you drinkin'?

-Whatever's handy.

-Hey, Jim, look, everybody is
kind of fancy out there.

You sure we're not
a little under dressed?

-No, man, I think they're
a little overdressed.

-Alright.

Speaking of which, who's the guy
in the $800 suit?

-He's Brandon Sinclair.

-Of the Sinclair Vineyards?

-Mm-hmm.
Linda used to date him.

-[Whistles]
-I'm impressed.

-So's he.

-Jealous?

-Jim?

Hi, Lloyd. Hi, Mike.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Well, I guess we'll go
rinse out some things.

Sorry. Excuse me.

-Are you all right?

-I told you he was an asshole.

-I know you did.

You gonna come back
out to the party?

-In a minute.

Look, can you just go
play hostess, and I'll

try to come up with
some clean jokes, okay?

-Okay.

Jim.

I love you.

-I know.

-How can you believe in spirits
if you don't believe

in God or Satan?

-There's been evidence
of their existence.

Eyewitness accounts,
photographs,

recordings, you name it.

-And I've contacted
some of them.

-With what, a "wee-jee" board?

-Ouija.
-What?

-It's pronounced, "Ouija,"
not "wee-gee."

It comes from the French and
German "Oui" and "Ja." Ouija.

And this is a planchette.

-I don't care what you
call it, dude.

It's just like a game.
Like checkers or chess.

-For your information,
"dude," the Ouija board

has been around since
recorded history.

It was in wide use as
far back as 540 B.C.

-I guess if Barbie dolls
had been around

that long, you'd be
talking to them, too.

[Laughter]

-Beats talking to you.

-Well, that's because
I use words with more

than one syllable.

-Oh, would you like to talk
about that?

-Yeah.
-Um, look, guys...

Can we play a bit of the
game? That would be fun.

-Alright.

Now, for the best results,
the Ouija should

be used by two people,
preferably a man

and a woman, and it shouldn't be
sitting on a table.

It should sit on our knees
so there's as much

body contact as possible.

Also, the two people should
have clean, pure systems,

so that the energy flowing
from us to the planchette

is as strong as it can be.

-Are you saying that the spirits

actually come through
our bodies?

-Oh, don't worry.
It's perfectly safe.

-I don't think I quite
understand what you

mean by a clean system, though.

-Someone who doesn't
smoke or drink, like you.

Care to give it a try?

-Oh. No, I don't think so.

-Come on, come on.

-Oh, geez, come on! Please!

-Alright.
-Alright, good.

-Good. I don't smoke either, and
I haven't been drinking tonight.

So together, we should be able
to make a clear, strong contact.

-I'll bet he wants a clear,
strong contact.

-Alright, one more thing
before we begin.

The spirits are lousy spellers,
and a lot of them like to lie.

So just to play it safe,
I'm gonna try to contact David,

the spirit of a little boy who
died about 30 years ago.

-You mean you've actually
talked to this spirit before?

-Yeah, I've contacted
him several times.

For some reason, he is connected
to this particular board.

-Why's that?

-Well, I don't know, really.

It's just that
every Ouija board seems to have

its own dominant spirit.

Maybe it's because this board
was made the day David died.

-How do you know when
that board was made?

-David told me.

-How do you know he
wasn't lying?

You said they liked to lie.
Didn't you say that?

-Uh...[Chuckles]

I'd really like to try this.

-Alright.

David, are you here?

Can you hear me?

-Can I talk to him?

-Yeah, go ahead.

-How old are you, David?

-Uh, thank you very much.
Goodbye.

-Why did you stop?
-Oh, that wasn't David.

-Well, then who was it?
-I don't know.

Like I said, they like
to lie sometimes.

-How do you know
it wasn't David?

-Well, David was 10 when
he died, not 8.

Besides, we have
a special signal

that no other spirit knows.

-Ooh. That's a little spooky.

-It's a little stupid.
-It's a lot stupid.

-[Laughs]

-David, can you hear me?

Would you like to talk to us?

David, is that you?

-It's doing a figure eight.

-That's David's signal.

Would you like to speak to him?

-Yeah, I would.

David?

I don't know what to say to him.

-David.

Do you know me?

-[Laughs]

-David, will you return
to the living one day?

-Reincarnation?

-That's what they all say.

David.

Will you be able to choose your
parents when you return?

-Yes.

-Bullshit.

-What?

You can't believe
you were stupid enough

to pick your parents?

-Hey, I don't talk to cardboard.

[Laughter]

-Careful, Jim,
you're upsetting David.

-What's he gonna do, haunt me?

-David, are you all right?

-Yeah, he's all right. He's just
a little dead, that's all.

-Shut up, Jim!

David, are you all right?

-Brandon, it's really racing.

-Yeah, maybe he's late for the
last flight back to limbo.

-What was that noise?
-Sounded like a gunshot.

'Scuse me, folks. Pardon me.

[Dogs barking]

Oh, man, multiple sadness.

Who owns the red Cobra?

-I do, why?

-Your tires are history, bud.

-Thanks a lot, Morar.

-What? This is my fault?

-Those are brand new tires!
Now, how do you explain it?

-I don't know, man. Maybe
your buddy Casper did it.

-That's right. Because
you made him angry.

-Then why didn't he
flatten my tires?

-Why? Because I was
in control of the board.

He held me responsible.

-You're crazy.
-You're drunk.

And you're a loser.

In the great family tradition.

-Jim!

Jim.

Well, thank you very much
for ruining the party.

-You're welcome.
But don't worry.

The night's still young.

-Are you serious?

Look at me. I am furious
with you right now.

-I know. And you're so gorgeous
when you're angry.

-Look, don't joke when
you're this close to death.

-Okay, okay.

I'm sorry about the party,
and I'm sorry about Brandon.

And I'm sorry about the crisis
in the Middle East.

-Alright. That's it.

-Come on, come on.

You knew you were taking
a chance when you invited him.

I know your heart was
in the right place.

It just didn't work out.

Jim, you promised me that you
weren't gonna

start anything with him.

-I kept my promise.

He started it.

What did you want me to do?

Just sit there and take it?

-No, I guess not.

-I really am sorry.

-I know.

[Squeals]

-Why do I love you so much?

-'Cause I make you laugh.

-Yeah? And Woody Allen
makes me laugh.

-I know, but I'm sexier.

[Whistle blows]

-What you doing?

-I lost my hammer.

[Gasps]

-Use mine.

-Sucker, you could
have killed me.

-Nah, then you'd come back
and haunt me

and flatten my tires and stuff.

-[Laughs]

[Laughing]

-Sit down, sit down.

-Linda's putting Twinkies
in my lunch again.

[Beeps]

-Ms. Brewster, this is
Dr. Gelineau's office calling.

We have the results of your
test back from the lab.

You can call us today
until 12:30.

-Hello, Linda.
This is Brandon.

I just realized I left my
Ouija there the other night.

Could you bring it
to class this Friday?

I'm having some
friends over Sunday,

and they want to use it.

Besides, I want to contact
David to see if he's

calmed down yet.

Well, see you Friday. Bye.

[Beeps]

-David, are you here?

David, is that you?

David, do you remember me?

David, is it true that you can
really choose your next parents?

Do you know why I'm asking?

The tests, they're positive.

I knew it.

David, would you like to --

No? How come?

J...

I...

M.

Jim? What? You don't like Jim?

Well, Jim's a really nice g--

Boy, David, you sure know how
to hold a grudge, don't you?

David?

David, are you here?

David, where are you?

-Man, don't tell me
you bought that crap

with Brandon and that board.

-Oh, please.

What, do you see "Spaz" written
on this man anywhere?

Please.

So how'd the board
jump off their knees?

-I don't know, man.
He probably kicked it.

He always was about as clever
as a bag full of doorknobs.

-[Chuckles]

What is it with you guys,
anyway?

-Linda, I guess. At least that's
when the friendship ended.

-You guys were friends?

-Best friends.

When we were kids.

-Get out of here.

-Yeah, I practically grew up
at Brandon's house.

Both my folks were
alcoholics, and, uh...

...I didn't want to spend
too much time at home.

He thinks I stole Linda
from him.

-Did you?

-No.

No.

I didn't even know they
knew each other.

I'd been off at med school,

and when I met her,
they'd already broken up.

-You went to med school?

-Didn't know I was such
a multifaceted dude, did you?

-I didn't know you had more
than one brain cell, James.

What are you doing here?

-Loafing.
Come on, lunch is over.

-No! Daddy, please!

-Come on, I want to finish
the house this month.

-You are bringing me
way down, bud.

-You're a lazy scumbag,
you know that.

-Employment means
nothing to me, pal.

[Gagging]

-Lloyd?

Hey! Hey!

[Static crackles]

[Horn playing]

[Horn plays]

-I'm practicing.

-I see that.
But what are you practicing?

-Well, right now, I'm a herdsman
winding my horn.

But I was fluting --
this is a shom,

made of peeled willow wood,

taken from
the Boehmerwald Mountains

on the border between
Bavaria and Bohemia.

These are harbingers
of your demise.

-Lovely.

-Warnings to all witches
on this night.

Okay, notice how
Lloyd gets killed

by the falling
sheet rock, Darcy?

-I did.
It's a really great scene.

It makes you jump.

-Yeah, well, Kevin Tenney,
the director,

had worked construction before
he got into USC film school,

and he wrote this script for
class in film school.

So he knew his sheet rock
because that may be

the greatest sheet rock kill in
film history.

-Are there a lot of those?
-No.

Anyway, Kevin Tenney grew up in
Fairfield, California,

which is a military town next
door to Travis Air Force Base.

And -- I mean, it's not just
a military town

because it's also the
headquarters of Jelly Belly.

And I think we would all agree
that there is no jelly bean

like a Jelly Belly bean.

Would you agree?
-I agree.

-One of the things that Kevin
likes to say is that

his worst day on a movie set
is 100 times better than

the best day he ever had on
a construction site.

So he knows construction,
but he hates construction.

Kevin was a whiz kid film
student at USC in L.A.

at a time when almost all
the whiz kid directors

came from either USC or NYU.

And he actually quit school
because he got

a three picture deal with
Ivan Reitman!

So I think he was still going to
school, actually,

when this movie
was being funded.

So anyway, he comes out of USC,
and bang, he's shooting this

$2 million flick about
Ouija boards right away.

And I know, I know.
It's "wee-jah."

It's "wee-jah", not "wee-jee."

You know, we know that from
Brandon, the jerk-olla

in that first scene, who gives
us the Ouija board history

in the party scene, which I'm
pretty sure is stuff that

Kevin just made up
for his script.

Like Brandon says, "In ancient
times, the spirit boards

were called witch boards."

And that line got edited out of
the movie.

So good move, Kevin.

We didn't need that
explanation of what

the title of the movie
actually means.

But the Ouija board does not go
back to 560 BC or whatever.

It goes back to
some game inventors

in Baltimore in the 1890s.

But we don't have to wonder
about it because later this

evening, we're going to be
talking to the world's

foremost expert on
Ouija board history.

-Yay.
-But right now, Darcy,

I'm gonna explain the weapons
that I'll be using

later tonight to kill you.

-Wonderful.
-Alright.

The name of this holiday is
Burning Out the Witches

in the Tyrol.

-Ah, yes, the Tyrol.

-Yes, the Tyrolian Alps,
between Bavaria and Bohemia.

So what we have here
are weapons.

Begin with holy water.

Picked this up this morning
for obvious reasons.

Incense.

We're fumigating the area of all
witch smells.

-Okay.

-Pots and pans for making

loud, obnoxious noises
like a 3-year-old.

[Clanging]

Go all over the countryside
doing that, you know?

Because nothing annoys witches
like obnoxious, loud noises.

-True.
-Resinous splinters.

Black and red spotted hemlock
over here.

-What was the one before that?

-Resinous splinters because,
as you can see,

the wood is resinous,
and it's splintered.

-Just making sure.

-And this hemlock, by the way,
is lethal.

I had to get a priest to
bless me this morning

just so I could touch the stuff.

-You did not.

-Plenary absolution, Darcy.

I've got divine permission to
handle these wicked substances.

I'm absoluted
at this very moment.

Because we also have
caper spurge.

-Ooh, that one's pretty.

-It's also highly poisonous,
you know?

And then we have rosemary

in case we want to kill
Simon or Garfunkel.

And of course,
twigs of the sloe.

-Of course.
-Yeah.

You probably know it
from sloe gin.

They use the black thorn berries
in the gin.

-What are you talking about?

-A-ha!

What am I talking about?
That's a good question.

Um, it's this concoction,
which also includes juniper

and the other one I forgot
the name of

that later tonight will be set
ablaze while you

are cutting capers in the woods.

And from it, we will make
a torch, and will will

unchain 20 hounds, and we will
set off with whips

and with metal cookware
to banish you.

I wonder I could use the whip to
rattle the cookware.

You know, the whip itself
is a good weapon.

But if you rattle the cookware
with the whip.

-[Whips cracks]
-Holy...

[Whip cracks]

That sounds...
-If I went like this.

No, that doesn't work.

-That's too complicated.
-Anyway, there's --

Yeah, alright.
Well, you don't seem scared.

-I mean, maybe a little bit.

-You know, I just said
I'm gonna burn you up

in Thuringian fashion, you know?

Thuringia being the region of
Germany that

is most devoted to the burning
out of witches.

-Give it your best shot.

Do I get any weapons
to fight back with?

-Yes, you have your own weapons.

You have magic mushrooms.

-Yeah, I do.

-And strong liquor,
made from powerful herbs.

-Nice. I like my weapons better.

-And wild dancing.
That's one of your weapons.

-I can do that no problem.

-But it depends on what kind of
witch you are.

There are numerous
witchcraft families.

And each family has its own set
of demonic tricks.

-I want to know all of them.

-Okay, next break,
we're going to do that.

You should already know
all about the alcohol

because we did that last year.

-Actually, you did
that last year,

but I'm good with my shrooms.

-Okay, well, one of your
weapons, actually,

is the Ouija board itself.

-Ooh, I love board games, but
I don't think that's very scary.

-It's not a game, Darcy.

It's a portal to the other side.

-There are better ways
to get there.

-Okay, you also need
a churn dasher.

-That is too many
things to remember.

What the heck is a churn dasher?

-When you're making
butter from cream,

you have this heavy pole,
and it has a cross on the top.

And you use the arms
of the cross to pound

that cream until it's helpless!

-Alright, so who is
going to pound that cream

till it's helpless?

-I don't know.

A churn dasher technician
is gonna --

-I'm excited to meet them,
but I wouldn't expect a witch

to use anything with
a cross on it.

-See, that's how
sneaky they are.

See, they rode on broomsticks,
pitchforks, and churn dashers.

And I think churn dashers were
considered hard core,

even more than pitchforks.

Anyway, we got to
classify you first.

And so --
-Classify me?

-What kind of witch are you?

We're gonna do that
at the next break.

-I'm a furious, don't mess with
me kind of witch.

-Okay, I'll explain
at the next break.

-Don't patronize a witch, sir.

[Laughter]

-Alright, let's go back to
the Ouija board classic

"Witchboard."

Just roll the film.

[Horn toots]

And by the way, we're gonna have
two alcohols this year --

Maibock, the beer that they make
just for Walpurgisnacht.

We got a case ready of Maibock.

-Nice.
-Plus that liquor from Finland

that rearranges your brain cells
and makes you dance

like an orangutan with
an electrode up your butt.

Every drink they make for
Walpurgisnacht should be

labeled "Get drunk fast."

You know, because there's no
sipping on Beltane.

There's no room for cocktails
and aparitifs on Beltane.

It's just drink and burn,
drink and have sex,

drink and fly,

drink and spear witches out of
the air with harpoons.

[Horn toots]

You get to a state where --
well, you get to --

[Horn toots]

Assemble the witch squad,
bitches!

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

-David, are you here?

Well, it's nice to see
you made it back.

R.

I.

N.

G.

Ring?

My diamond ring?

You know where it is?

Where?

D.

R.

A.

N.

Dran?

You mean drain?
Like a sink drain?

Which sink? The kitchen?

The bathroom.

Thanks, David.

Oh!

Ow. Darn.

There goes my nail.

[Gasps]

Jesus Christ, don't ever sneak
up on me again.

Fuck!

Shit.

Fuck.

What are you doing home?

-I live here.

What are you up to?

-I found my ring.

Remember the one that I lost
when we moved in? See?

-And that's such a monumental
event that you started swearing?

-What?

-Your language, babe.

I think "gosh" and "darn" are
the strongest words

I've ever heard you use.

And when did you
take up plumbing?

-You're never gonna
believe this.

David, he told --

-Uh, David who?

-You remember David.
The spirit of the little boy.

-Oh, I don't need to
hear this shit now.

-Jim! What's --
What's the matter?

-[Sighs]

They closed
the site early today.

There was an accident, and...

Lloyd, uh...

Lloyd got killed.

Oh, God. What happened?

-There was a load of sheet rock,
and it wasn't secured properly.

It -- it fell.

-I've never liked you doing
that job.

It is so dangerous.

-Everything is dangerous.

-[Gasps]

[Retches]

[Coughing]

[Bell chiming]

-Mr. Morar?

My name is Duherst.

Lieutenant Duherst.

-Police?

-Homicide.

-I didn't know Fairfield had
a homicide division.

-I'm it!

I'm also the bomb squad
and the truancy division.

Do you like magic?

-What?

-Magic, you know, card tricks,
sawing ladies in half. Magic.

-Yeah, I guess.

-Me too. I always wanted
to be a magician.

I don't have the hands
for it, though.

Not, uh, dexterous enough.

-Then how do you defuse bombs?

-I don't know. No one's ever
planted a bomb here.

[Laughs]

-What can I do for you,
Lieutenant?

-I'm investigating
Mr. Salvador's death.

You ever been to Vegas?

-No. Why?

-They got these two guys
there, Sigmund and Roy.

I mean, they are the best
magicians I have ever seen,

without a doubt.

I mean, they do some
really amazing things.

You know, there's only
one thing I like better

than seeing a good magic trick.

It's trying to figure
out how it was done.

-Lieutenant, we're not really

talking about magic
here, are we?

-No.

I believe Mr. Salvador
was murdered.

The ropes holding the sheet
rock on the scaffolding

were cut, apparently with
some kind of hatchet.

-Are you sure?

-I'm afraid so.

Did he have any enemies?

-No. None that I know of.

-I understand that you were with
him when the sheet rock fell.

Now, is there any
chance that the killer

could have been aiming for you?

-I don't think so.

-Were there any other witnesses?

-No. No, I'm afraid not.

-And you lost your hatchet
that same day?

-I lost my hammer.

-But it has a blade
on one side, right?

Have you found it yet?

-No. No, I had to buy a new one.

-Just vanished into
thin air, huh?

-Nothing up my sleeve.

-Touche.

I'm sorry for intruding here.

-Jim, you didn't tell me
you were with him.

-I didn't think
it was important.

-Wasn't important?
It could have been you!

-Hey, it was just an accident.

That's all.
It was just an accident.

Can we go?

-Well, the lieutenant's
not too sure about that.

And neither am I.

David, did you cause that
accident at the site?

David, don't lie to me.

Are you still angry at Jim?

David?

David?

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

-Where were you?

-What?

-You were supposed to bring
my Ouija by class yesterday.

-Oh, God, I am so sorry.
I completely forgot.

I went to the funeral with Jim.

-Oh. Yeah, of course, uh...

Well, how's he taking it?

-Well, he's sleeping right now.

-That figures.

-Brandon, that's not even fair.

-Isn't it?

Tell me, did he
cry at the funeral?

-Face it, Linda.

The man has ice in his veins.

I've known him since he was 7,

and I've never seen
him cry once.

Not for anybody or anything.

-Brandon?

How many times
have you contacted David?

-David?

Quite a few times. Why?

-Have you ever seen him
get that angry?

-No, never.

Look, did we just change
subjects when I wasn't looking?

-Brandon, look, I'm getting
a little worried.

I've been using the Ouija.

-Alone?

-Yeah. Why?

-Linda, listen to me.

[Line clicks]

-Hello?

Hello?

Brandon?

Hello?

-Hello.
-[Receiver thuds]

-God damn it!

How many times have I told you
not to sneak up on me?!

-Look, I'm sorry.
Next time, I'll wear a bell.

-Why don't you just rattle your
fucking head next time?

-What the hell's eating you?

-I don't know.

I don't know. I'm so scared.
I feel like I'm going crazy.

-It's all right.

It's gonna be all right.

-No, it's not.

I'm pregnant.

-Are you sure?

I mean, did you see a doctor?

-I already know.

I have an appointment on Monday.

I've been having
morning sickness all week.

-Well, no wonder.

No wonder you're
a nervous wreck.

You're not going crazy.

You're just becoming a mother.

Granted, it's almost
the same thing.

-You're not upset?

-No. No. Of course not.

-God, I love you.

-I know.

-And you love me.

Even though you don't know it,

I know it.

[Child singing in distance]

[Child singing in distance]

[Door creaks]

-[Screams]

[Gasps]

[Static crackles]

-The jump scares in this movie
are really good.

And I kind of like the ghost
camera that floats around

the house, the spirit of David,
I guess, who's up to no good.

Tawny Kitaen said she
really did not like that scene

we just watched, and in later
years, she couldn't watch it.

Tawny Kitaen got this role
through an open casting call.

Kevin Tenney said they
interviewed dozens of

hot, young actresses because
they wanted the character to be

really hot since two guys
and an evil spirit

are all fighting over her.

And so all these women read
for the role.

But Tenney noticed that when
Tawny Kitaen came in,

the crew and the guys
in the waiting room,

all the guys did
double takes on her.

And she was the obvious
man magnet.

But the girls in the office
liked her, also.

So irresistible to men,
not threatening to women.

So he hired her.

Now, this was before
she started staring in

the Whitesnake videos.

She eventually married
David Coverdale,

the lead singer in Whitesnake.

But while making this movie,
she was actually dating

OJ Simpson, who would call her
all the time on the set

using a fake name.

But of course, everybody knew
the fake name was OJ Simpson.

Okay, Darcy, let's move on to
which classification.

Are you ready? Give me that --

Where's our
witch classification chart?

I want to use this.

We got to classify you
as a witch.

-Alright. I already
have my costume.

-Darcy, I'm not talking about
the outer witch.

I'm talking your soul.

-Okay.
-The inner witch.

-If you're gonna be a witch,
your evil heart has to

come from within your
wicked body, you know?

We can't fake that.

-Okay, well, what kind
of witch am I?

-Well, there are three
general categories.

Let's start with that.

There's the old crone that's
trying to steal the babies

and use their flesh
to be young again.

-Okay, I am not the old crone.

-Let me do all
the categories first.

You might end up wanting
to be the old crone.

-I'm not the old crone.

-Okay, the second category is
the evil seductress.

-That one.
-Okay.

She pretends to be seducing you
with her sexual allure,

but she's really trying to make
you into a minion of Satan.

-Okay, it's that one,
but what is this one?

-The third one is the sorceress.

The one with
the bubbling cauldrons

and the poison herbs
and the potions.

She puts a hex on the village
so that no babies are born

and the cattle are barren.

-That one's too complicated.
I'm sticking with number two.

-Okay, number one, though,
is the ultimate witch.

Margaret Hamilton
taught us that.

There's never been a witch to
compare to Margaret Hamilton

in "The Wizard of Oz."

And she was most decidedly
an old crone witch.

-She was great, but I'll do that
in like 30 years.

-Okay, just saying, you could
stretch now.

-I don't want to stretch.
I'm good.

-Alright, alright, now,
let's get more specific

about the various witches that
we're gonna burn up tonight.

Alright?
-Only if you can catch us.

-Darcy, don't make it
worse for yourself, okay?

Did you see how many ingredients

are in this torch
that I'm gonna light up?

Look at them. Some of them are
still here on the table.

The ones that
I didn't knock off.

-Really scary.
-Alright.

-The torch I'm creating to burn
you up has been classified

as a weapon of mass destruction
by the UN.

So, okay, you have to choose
your witch family.

This is a chart
of the various --

this is a list of the various
types of witches who are flying

to the Brocken even as we speak.

Numero uno, the wolf crone.

This is a hag who lives
deep in the forest

and can command the wolves to
do her bidding.

-I like commanding the wolves,
but I'm not doing the hag thing.

-Hag-sploitation. That's a big
part of horror history.

-No, I'm good.
-Alright.

Number two-o,
the cunning sorceress.

She's an expert in divination
and spells.

She comes across as
a healing spirit,

but it's a ruse.

It's a Florence Nightingale
appearance,

but she's really a witch.

-I'm not that one.
-Alright.

Numero three-o, the wild woman.

-Okay, that one sounds good.

-The wild woman is a child of
Lilith, the first wife of Adam.

She belongs to the night.
-Nice.

-She has the head
and body of a woman,

but the wings
and feet of a bird.

-That's interesting.

-How crazy about
high heels are you?

-Not that crazy.

-Okay, it works then because,
you know, bird feet,

but the rest is glam with wings.

The wild woman is always out
there at night shrieking

and sleeping with anything that
moves -- polysexual.

-That is not a problem.

-And she kills babies to stay
eternally youthful.

-Uh, I'll take that part
under advisement.

-Okay. Numero four-o.

Weathermaker witches.
They command the elements.

-That one's kind of boring.
-Okay. Valkyries.

Descended from Brunhilda.

They fly across battlefields,
influencing war,

making prophesies of doom.

-You know what, I was very into
a military guy,

so I am not interested
in that one.

-Okay, droods,
also called harpies.

They fly around the countryside
giving out bad dreams,

preying on sleeping people.

You know they're there because

they leave a bird-like footprint
in your bedroom.

-That's too much work.
-Okay.

-Bilwis.

That's a mother witch.

She has a gaggle of children
with dirty hair

who trample the grain
and ruin the harvest.

-No children.
-Alright.

-Ash wife, or the German
is Eschenfrau.

She never goes away.
She's the ultimate nagger.

You have to appease her,
or she kills you.

-That's too domestic.
-Alright.

The hag, also called a crone.

Associated with
the Hawthorn Hedge.

She hides in the Hawthorn hedge.

When you walk by,
she issues demonic curses.

So stay away from the hedges
on Walpurgisnacht.

-No hags, no crones.

-Alright. They're the most
powerful witches.

-No!
-Alright.

The Highland Hag of Bairn,
in fact,

turns to stone every
Walpurgisnacht.

And then is reborn on Halloween.

So you get both holidays.

-That doesn't sound
like a party to me.

-Alright, elder mother.
-No.

-I haven't described
the elder mother.

-No!
-Alright, she keeps

dragons from landing
on your roof.

-No.
-Alright.

Easter witch.

She's a bratty little girl who
has to be appeased,

or she causes massive mischief.

-Probably not.
-Alright.

-Alraune.

Has a weird spelling, alraune.

This one is interesting.

Alraune was the main character
in a 1911 German novel,

but it was based on a myth that
goes back hundreds of years.

So it was believed that
when a criminal is hanged,

he ejaculates
at the moment of death,

and when the sperm sinks
into the ground,

it creates the mandrake root

because a mandrake root
looks like a penis.

So it was it was believed
that if a witch, quote,

"Made love"
to the mandrake root,

meaning use the mandrake root
for a dildo,

she could get pregnant
and give birth to a girl

who was beautiful and sensual,

but has no real feelings
and no soul.

That's the alraune.

This witch can tell fortunes,

but she's really,
really expensive

if you buy her
as a fortune teller.

And she dresses in silk
and velvet, she bathes in wine.

She knows magic.
She knows all about fertility.

And if you ever
cause her to shriek,

it will result in the downfall
of your entire family.

So meeting an alraune
is like going home

with the hottest stripper
at Spearmint Rhino

and then finding out
the next morning

she has your credit card
and she's never leaving.

-All right.
I think we found our witch.

-Really?

-More than
the Lilith wild woman?

-I don't want to kill
the babies for that one.

-Okay. You just want
to kill the men.

-Exactly.
-All right. Okay, Darcy.

I think we are ready for battle.
-Yay.

-You're the alraune,
headed for the Brocken

to cut capers
on the Hexentanzplatz.

-You said that before.
What is it?

-The Hexentanzplatz.
That's the witches dance floor.

-No, not that part.
Cut capers.

-Cut capers.
You know, frolic like a goat.

You know, be crazy
on the dance floor.

-Like a goat.
-Yeah.

-Okay.
-On the dance floor,

on Walpurgisnacht.

Capers must be cut.

-I promise to caper.

-Okay. This is the longest set
up in "Last Drive In" history.

So let's get back.

Let's get back to the greatest
Ouija board movie ever made,

"Witchboard."

Roll the film.

Oh, God.
Are you a Tawny Kitaen fan?

-I am, yeah.

-I think it was right
when this movie came out

that she made the first
Whitesnake video because

I met her twice, and she was in
a big hurry both times.

-Once was at a promotion
we did together.

I wish I could remember
what the promotion was for,

but we were at the
Los Angeles Convention Center.

And I think it must have been
for the Movie Channel.

And she seemed
really, really nervous.

And then one other time
in Amarillo, Texas.

Whitesnake was performing
for the rack jobbers.

And I won't go deep
into what that is,

but the rack jobbers
are the companies

that stock records and books
in places like Walmart,

Walgreens, you know any place
that's not a record store

or a bookstore, but that carry
books and records.

That's not really
Walmart doing it.

It's a rack jobber.

And the biggest rack jobber
is in Amarillo.

And they have this annual
four day wild party in Amarillo.

And on a certain day,

the entertainment was
Whitesnake, me.

I was there for the books.
I was the book guy, you know?

And Roy Orbison, bless his
heart, we all performed,

and it had to be
right after "Witchboard."

And she was again
very much in a hurry,

not focused, like she had
a lot to do in the world.

You know, she was rushing
around, very distracted.

So but really, really sweet.

She had this voice that said,

"I like you,
you're wonderful. Bye."

So, you know, anyway, sorry.

I was just remembering all this
because she passed away

during the pandemic.

It was so sad.

She never beat
the drug dependance thing.

But the shocking thing
was David Coverdale.

He said, on the day she died,

he said he hadn't
talked to her in 30 years,

which if you remember the video
"Here I Go Again",

iconic, right?

I mean, how could you
do that video with her

and not talk to her for
30 years?

Anyway, doing the splits on
the Jaguar

in the white chiffon outfit,
and then other videos for them.

You know, she was legs,
heels, lingerie, writhing.

She did a lot of writhing
in those videos.

But the movie we're
watching now,

this was right before that
whole thing broke, so...

-She's so good in this.

-She is good.

She's an actress.
She's a good actress.

But she got saddled with
that image as the girlfriend

in the video.

I wonder why she stopped
making movies.

Anyway. Sorry. Way off topic.

-That's okay. She's amazing.
She deserves it.

-And you'll be
an amazing alraune.

-Thank you.

-And a dead alraune because
I'm going to kill you.

-Don't count on that.
-Yeah, well, I'm gonna kill you.

-We'll see.

[Static crackles]

-I'm giving the board back
to Brandon today.

I've already
made up my mind, David.

There's nothing you can
do about it.

Oh, my God.

Damn it.

[Gasps]

[Screams]

[Tools whirring]

-Hey. Hey.

Do you know Jim Morar?

-Yeah.
-Where is he?

-Right over here.

[Hammer pounding]

-What are you doing here?

-I tried to call, but your
phone was dead.

And you drove all the way
out here to tell me that?

-No. I want to ask you
something about Linda.

-You want to know if she snores.

-I should've known better.

-Hey. Hey!

Jesus, man, you used
to have a sense of humor.

-Okay, can you be serious
for one minute, please?

-I'll give it a shot.

-Has Linda been acting
strange lately?

She hasn't been to a single
one of her classes all week.

-What do you mean strange?

-I mean like nervous tension,
insomnia, nausea,

any kind of erratic behavior?

-How did you know?

-Has she been swearing a lot?

-Like a truck driver.

-I think Linda's been
using my Ouija.

-No.

[Laughs]

-Alright.

Alright, I know you think
this is a crock of shit.

But just bear with me
for a minute, please.

-Okay.

-Alright, when someone
uses a Ouija alone,

like Linda, she's very
susceptible to the spirits

she contacts.

And the wrong spirit will
take advantage of this.

At first, he'll be extremely
helpful and friendly.

So that she's lured into using
the board more and more.

Pretty soon, all she wants
to do is use the board.

Everything else, like going to
classes, becomes unimportant.

This is called
progressive entrapment.

When she reaches this stage,
the spirit changes.

He starts to frighten
and terrorize her.

Gradually breaking down
her resistance.

And once that's done,
he's able to possess her.

-So, what you're telling me

is that I'm living
with Linda Blair?

-Dammit, Jim, I'm serious!

-[Laughs] I know. That's
what makes it so funny.

I thought you were
an atheist, man.

-Look, I'm not saying
that it's a demon.

Just the spirit of someone evil.

Evil when he was alive
and evil now that he's dead.

I want to bring a medium
by your apartment

as soon as possible
to exorcise the spirit.

-[Scoffs]

You're serious.

-Jim, how do you think I knew
all those things about Linda?

Those are all symptoms of
progressive entrapment.

-They're also all symptoms
of pregnancy.

-What?

-Linda's pregnant.

I'm going to be a father.

-Terrific.

-Come on, Brandon.

I mean, can't you
be happy for us?

-You gonna marry her?

-Yeah.

Of course.

-You don't even love her.

-Let me tell you something.

You haven't talked to me
in two years.

So don't stand there
and tell me how I feel.

-I know you better than
you think I do, Jim.

I knew why you dropped out
of med school. Does Linda?

Because you knew you'd
make a lousy doctor.

Because you're not capable of
giving a shit about

anyone but yourself.
-Shut up, Brandon.

And when you get tired
of Linda, you're gonna

walk away from her, too.

-Shut up, Brandon.
-Just like you did with school.

Just like you did
with your parents,

just like you did with --

-Shut up!

-Jim?
-What?

-There's a phone call for you
in the foreman's trailer.

-Take a message. I'm busy.

-It's your landlady, man.

It's something about Linda.

-Is she all right?

[Hammer clatters]

[Door opens]

Hello?

-Jim, this is Mrs. Boses.

-Is Linda all right?

-Well, she's fine now,
but she was scared awfully bad.

-Well, let me talk to her.
Is she there?

-Yeah. Just a minute.

-Jim?

-I'm right here, babe.

-It was David.

-David?

-Yeah.

Jim, he used to be
so nice, but...

I don't know,
I'm just so scared.

-It's all right, babe.
I'm on my way home.

And I'll take care of it,
I promise.

Alright?

-Okay.

[Receiver clicks]

-Alright, bring your
medium by tonight.

-Jim, this is Zarabeth.

Best medium in
Northern California.

-Hi.

Thanks for coming.

-No prob. [Laughs]

Hey, nice place.

But, uh, you got yourself

one gnarly spirit here,
I can feel it.

-See? Hairs standing up
on my arm?

-Mm-hmm.

This is your expert? Where'd
you find her, the circus?

-Okay, so she's a bit
strange, but...

-A bit strange?

Her head looks like
a friggin' rainbow.

-You must be Linda.

-Uh, Linda, this is Zarabeth.

-Hi.

-She's a medium.

-How bitchin'.

-Uh, yeah, I prepared everything
like he said to.

-Top-notch job, Jim.

Let's get this show on the road.

-I can't believe you did all
this while I was sleeping.

-Okay.

I'm gonna make contact now,

so whatever happens,
stay in your seat.

Alright? If you stand or talk,
the contact might be broken.

Oh.

Bummer.

I forgot my crystal ball.
[Chuckles]

[Laughs] Just a little
psychic humor.

I don't really have
a crystal ball. [Laughs]

-Should we hold hands
or something?

-Nah, that's just in
the vampire movies.

Anyway, my nails are too grody.

Okay, let's talk to some ghosts.

[Clears throat]

-Who are you?

-Please don't hate me.

-Who are you?

-David.

-David, do you know me?

-Yes, Brandon, I know you.

-How old are you?

-10.

I passed away.

-Tell us. Why are you
terrorizing Linda?

-I love Linda.

-Then why are you
frightening her?

-She hurt me.

She won't talk to me anymore.

Because of him.

-Jim?

-He is cruel.

-You are cruel, David.

Linda fears you.

-I'm sorry.

I was angry.

I...

I love you.

-Linda no longer wishes
to speak to you.

I am taking the Ouija
home with me tonight.

-I know.

-The woman you are speaking
through is a psychic.

She has the power to exorcise
you from this apartment.

-No.

I'll go.

I never meant to harm anyone.

Goodbye.

-David, why...

-Goodbye.
-David, wait!

-Linda! Don't!

[Clattering]

-[Gasps]

[Wind whistling]

-Ah!

[Wind whistling]

[Cans clattering]

-[Groans]

Brandy, catch the lights, huh?

-Huh?

Oh, yeah.

-Zarabeth, thank you.

-Too cool.

But I didn't do it.
David left on his own.

-Yeah, well, he sure knows how
to make a dramatic exit.

-Well, maybe I reacted
a little too quick.

-What?

-I don't know, maybe I should
have given him more

of a chance, you know?

I mean, he's not evil,
he's just...

He's just like a little boy.

-No way. No way.

He is taking this
thing home now.

And that's it.

-Believe me, Linda,
we did the right thing.

-Oh, for sure.

I mean, that was one
nasty ghost.

Good thing the exorcism
didn't happen.

It would have been mondo tough.

[Gasps] I see a vision.

-What is it?

Me...in your car...

going home.

[Laughs]

Just some more psychic humor.

Come on, Brandy,
let's hit the musty dusty.

T.T.F.N.

-"T.T.F.N.?"

-Uh, "ta ta for now."

-Uh, thanks for letting
me bring her.

-Don't mention it.

To anybody.

-[Scoffs]

[Static crackles]

-So we know that
the Ouija spirit

can cause Sheetrock avalanches,
windstorms,

steak-knife levitation,
ketchup-bottle tumping, uh,

can lock the doors of any room
from the outside,

can cause nightmares,
can play con games

with anyone silly enough
to use it while alone

due to...
progressive entrapment,

another thing that Kevin Tenney
probably made up.

Um, we should've brought Kevin
on the show

to explain the rules
of the Ouija hex

because it seems very fluid.
[Chuckles]

Um, the Ouija can basically do
anything supernatural

it wants to do in this movie.

Also, why is Rose Marie
in this movie?

However, the Ouija board
is, apparently, no match

for the punk psychic medium

played by Kathleen Wilhoite
as Zarabeth.

Kathleen Wilhoite was amazing
in a Charles Bronson movie

that came out around
this same time, "Murphy's Law,"

but she was still relatively new
to the business.

She broke in
when she was 19 years old

in, uh, private school,

but she would go on to be
one of the hardest-working

character actresses in L.A.

She was in "Angel Heart,"
"Crossing Delancey,"

"Road House,"
many TV series.

She does a lot
of cartoon voices, even today.

Um, Santa Barbara girl,
also from, uh --

she was also from
the USC drama school,

but, uh, Kevin Tenney found her
at an audition.

Anyhow, you know who loved this
movie when it first came out?

Bob Murch.

Bob was so impressed
by this movie

and the theory
of progressive entrapment

that he became
an obsessive researcher

into the history
of what he calls

spirit communication devices,

and today he's the world's
foremost authority

on Ouija boards,
and, more to the point,

he is with us right now.

Welcome, Bob.
-[Chuckles]

-Or should --
[Cheers and applause]

Or should I call you Murch?
-Murch is perfect.

-People call you Murch, right?

-They do, and thank you so much
for having me.

-Well, thank you
for being here.

Uh, everybody has fooled around
with a "Wee-Ja" board.

"Wee-Gee."
I'm gonna call it "Wee-Gee."

I know --
I hope that doesn't offend you.

-It doesn't.
-Okay.

-What is the right
pronunciation?

-Originally, in 1890,
it was pronounced "Wee-Ja"...

-Okay.
-...but by the 1920s,

people were playing so much they
said they were "Wee-Gee-ing,"

and they started to say
"Wee-Gee," and the --

-Oh. Oh. "I'm gonna be
'Wee-Gee-ing' this weekend."

-Exactly.

-That's where it becomes
"Wee-Gee." Alright.

-So -- and the company
was so smart

that they didn't want to tell
people what they should call it,

so the box would literally say,

"Whether you pronounce it Wee-Ja
or Wee-Gee, it spells fun."

-Oh, okay. So --
But -- But anyway,

everybody has fiddled around
with one.

Why -- as the world's
foremost expert,

why are they so scary?

-No pressure.
[Both chuckle]

Um, you know,
you sit at this game,

and you ask
if something's out there,

and everyone's afraid of dying,
so we don't know.

We're afraid
of what we don't know.

We're afraid of things
that are out there

and what they might be.

The Ouija board allows your
imagination to take control

and make up anything.
-So you think people

naturally ask
death-related questions?

-I think that death
is what causes them

to want to reach out, right?

You know, the one thing that
we can't do when someone dies

is -- is just talk to them.
-Oh, they want to be

in contact with someone
who's dead? Okay.

-Yeah, or they might want to
use it as an oracle

and ask questions like,
"Oh, Ouija, tell me --"

-About their future?
-Yeah, or,

"Does Bobby like me?"
-[Chuckling] Okay.

Um, where did you
first see "Witchboard,"

the movie that changed
your life, right?

-It -- It absolutely
changed my life.

My grandmother was
really into horror,

and she was really into
science-fiction,

and she snuck me into --
in 1987, I believe,

13, 14 years old --

she literally snuck me into
the movie to see it

'cause I was too young.
-Where was that? What theater?

-Portland, Maine.
-The theater --

the downtown theater
in Portland, Maine?

And what about it
made you obsessed with it?

-I was watching it,
and even at 13 or 14 years old,

I realized, "This is
the first movie I've ever seen

where the main character
wasn't a person."

The main character was
the witchboard,

and everything that happened
happened around that witchboard.

The murders only happened
when you used the witchboard.

-Now -- Now, obviously,
we just watched the medium scene

with, uh, Zarabeth,
uh, talking to the spirit

identifying himself as David
in the movie,

and this reminds us
that the Ouija board

is directly related to
the spiritualism movement

that started in the 19th century
and has never really gone away.

-Well, the -- the modern
spiritualist movement

basically started in 1848
in Hydesville, New York,

and what happened were
there were these three sisters

called the Fox sisters.

They believed they were having
intelligent communication

with a ghost,
with something,

and how it started was,
someone asked a question,

they would hear a knock,

and so maybe one knock for yes,
two knocks for no.

And then
they would quickly say,

"Geez, this is taking forever,
these questions.

What if we do one
for 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' 'D'?

It would just take forever."

So they would lay out
their alphabet cards

and their numbers
and use their finger

or, um, a pencil,

and they'd go over the alphabet
or the numbers,

and then they'd hear a knock.
So close.

-But you're telling me,
for real,

these sisters
in Hydesville, New York,

are sitting there,
asking questions,

and there's knocks on the wall,
answering them?

-That's what they're saying.
-That's what they said.

-This is what they say, and --
-Okay.

Why were they believed?
[Laughter]

Um, um, you know, there
must've been all kinds of --

there have always been
con artists

doing séances and things
throughout history,

so -- so why is that one event
so important?

-The early Associated Press
picked up that story

and blew it out
all over the world.

-Oh, the media liked the story.

See, this is the same thing
that goes on with bigfoot.

[Chuckles]

Okay, now --
now, who is Charles Kennard?

Charles Kennard is the man who
would claim to invent the board

that would become Ouija,

but he was the first man
to manufacture Ouija boards.

He had the idea in 1886.

He would start
manufacturing them

under
the Kennard Novelty Company

in 1890 in Baltimore, Maryland.

-Okay, so he was a businessman.

-A businessman
who was into the occult.

-He was into the occult, and
he had seen some kind of board,

and he decided,
"I could mass produce these"?

-Exactly.
-And -- And how --

how did they came up
with the name Ouija?

-I always thought,
and so did a lot of people

that Ouija was "Yes, yes,"
in French and German.

That's what
we had always been told.

But I was researching
with The Baltimore Sun,

and we came across
a series of letters in 1919

from all the originators

talking about what happened
that night,

which we had never seen.

So, again, according to them,
this is what happened.

They didn't have a name.

They were calling
their new product

a witchboard --
general name --

and so they decided
since the board had helped them

with other things,
they'd ask it.

So they sat around the board
and --

with this woman
named Helen Peters,

who they considered
a strong medium.

They asked the board
what it wanted to be called,

and, letter by letter,
it spelled out O-U-I-J-A.

-Really?
And they -- And they --

How did they know
that was the end of the word?

[Laughter]

-That's a good question.

They've never heard
that word before.

It didn't make any sense
to them.

It didn't exist before that.

So Charles Kennard would ask,
"Well, you know,

what does that --
what does that mean?"

And the board answered,
"Good luck."

And so it became
Ouija, the Egyptian Luck Board.

They thought because Egypt
was so mystical at that time,

there we so many discoveries
out in Egypt,

Americans saw that
as so far away,

it must be Egyptian.

They thought the word literally
was in Egyptian.

There's no such language
as Egyptian,

but they didn't know that.

And so they started this
Ouija, the Egyptian Luck Board.

It was a good thing.
-Okay.

And, then, who was William Fuld?
F-U-L-D.

-William Fuld is equally
important to the story

because he was an employee
right away.

He was a stockholder.

And he would, in three years,
go on to kind of --

the company was put
in his hands,

and because of
his marketing genius,

he knew that every generation
rediscovers the Ouija board,

which means there has to be a
new story for every generation.

He just marketed
the hell out of it,

and, again, his idea was,

this has to be
in everyone's living room.

-Well, the reason I ask
is 'cause, for years,

his name was on the board.

It was called the William Fuld
Ouija Mystifying Oracle Board

or something, right?
-Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

-But, apparently, Fuld got
in touch with a David

on his Ouija board

because, uh, he fell backward
out of a window

while doing something
to a flagpole, right?

-Yeah.
-That's how he died,

just like Zarabeth
in the movie, right?

-He was a micromanager,
and instead of just letting

other people take care of stuff
he didn't need to be there for,

he climbed to the roof
of his three-story factory that,

when it was built in 1919,
was considered a skyscraper

because it was one full block,

and he was up there,
telling them what to do,

and, uh, he was leaning against
an iron...

and it came loose
and he went backwards.

-So -- but that was in
the Ouija board factory?

That was actually at the --
-That was at the factory

the Ouija board
told him to build.

-Wow, so the -- the board,
um, um, birthed his business

and then killed him?
-Well, I mean,

business went on
for a long time.

They didn't sell to
Parker Brothers until 1966.

-Wow. Meanwhile, there are
all these other companies

that are trying to, uh, take
over the spirit-board business

and repeat the success
of the Ouija board,

and I wrote down
some, uh -- some names of them.

Uh, these were
actual products

that came out
from other companies --

Vo Lo board,
the Crystal Gazer board,

the Mecca Answer,

the glow-in-the-dark yogi board,
the wizard tray,

Veda The Magic
Answer Man board,

the Swami Mystery
Talking Board.

Um, there was, obviously,
some money to be made here.

Uh, why did these others fail
and Ouija continued to succeed?

-It's the longest-running name
for a talking board.

People just think every board
is a Ouija board.

And these companies,
they saw how much money

William Fuld was making,
and so, when the patent ran out,

they started making
other talking boards,

calling them other things.

None of them ever lasted
because people really wanted

the "authentic, real"
Ouija board.

-Talking about
the authentic board,

this -- this first one here

is the authentic board today,
right?

-Today, this is the board
that's made today,

and I got to work
with Winning Moves and Hasbro

on this board, and one
of the cool things was --

-You worked with Hasbro
to design this board?

-Yeah, well, what happened was,
this is a throwback.

Winning Moves licensed it,
and they're a game company

that does a lot of retro boards.
-Yeah.

-So this is a remake of, um,
what was made in the 1990s.

-Okay.
-This is kind of throwback.

And if you see, it will say,

"William Fuld
Talking Board Set."

That took a long time
to get his name back on there,

but now he's back.
-You -- You worked hard

to get William Fuld's name
restored to the Ouija board?

-I did.
-Okay.

-[Chuckles]

-Now, what is this one, though?
This is the original one, right?

-Right. So this is
what we believe

is the first board
that they were manufacturing.

It would've originally
been called a witchboard,

but because it says "patent
applied for" on the back,

we know it has became Ouija

because, in the patent,
they call it Ouija.

-Okay, so before they got
their patent, they had this?

-Mm-hmm.
-And this was the -- so --

so we have the latest one

and the earliest one here.
-Mm-hmm.

-Here's the big question, Bob.

Um, what is the freakiest thing
you have witnessed

during the use
of a Ouija board?

-The thing that is the strangest
is how people react.

There's just a few groups
of people.

There's the person
who believes it,

who's taking it very seriously.

There's a person who just thinks
this is total bullshit

and, "I can't believe
I'm doing this,

but she's pretty,
so I'll play."

When you start to play,
everyone's talking,

but it gets really quiet.

Ouija is quiet scary.

It's that noise
of the planchette

moving across the board
with the felt feet,

and when it starts to move,

the first person
to pull their hands off it

is the person
who thought it was bullshit.

They're the first ones to scream
and be like,

"Okay, I'm done. That's enough."
-Really?

-And what I watch
is just how people

are really afraid
of these things.

-Well, one thing -- one thing
they say in the movie

that I didn't -- I've never
heard of as a Ouija rule before

is that it has to be
two people, male and female, uh,

and they have to be facing
each other

and the Ouija board has to be
on their knees.

Is there anything to that,
or is that just something

from Kevin's script?
-No, that's actually true.

Ouija was a date game.

Why it took off
so quickly was,

it broke a number
of Victorian rules.

-Oh.
-In 1890,

you couldn't touch each other
if you weren't married.

Here, you're sitting
in the dark,

you're lighting candles
and a fire,

you place the board,
your knees are touching,

your fingers are touching.

It just -- it -- again,
it broke these rules

that allowed people
to be a little cheeky.

-Yeah, knees and fingers.
[Chuckling] Okay.

-That's where it starts.
-You're a believer?

-I believe
the Ouija board works.

-Works in what way?

-I have seen it work
with ideomotor response,

your subconscious pushing it.

We planted things, in talking,

and then we get them out
that way.

-So it's just felt on cardboard,
but --

-But I have seen other people
have experiences,

and I have witnessed things

that have happened
on the Ouija board

that I cannot explain.
-Okay.

-But I don't believe it's
the board that has the power.

To me, it's you.

-It's what people bring
to the board.

-Well, when the Ouija board
tells you something bad,

we give it power.

We say,
"It's the Ouija board's fault.

Get the Ouija board
out of the house."

-Okay, yeah.

-And because if you don't follow
these "rules,"

you can get caught, and that's
where things get scary.

-Progressive entrapment, okay.
-Exactly.

And, by the way, all the Ouija
boards in the movie are fake

because they were afraid of
being sued by Parker Brothers,

um, and so they didn't use
the actual board

that was on sale at that time,

but according to you, Bob,
this -- this -- this movie

did more for Ouija board sales
than any other event, right?

-Well, except one,
and that's "The Exorcist."

-Oh, "The Exorcist,"
with, um --

uh, Regan summons
Captain Howdy.

-Exactly. "The Exorcist"
is, really, the only time

that Parker Brothers
or Hasbro

would respond to
numbers and sales,

and they did an interview
after "The Exorcist,"

where Ouija board sales
went through the roof

mostly because
most kids wanted to see

their best friends'
heads spin around

and spit up split pea soup.
[Laughter]

-Okay, well, who wouldn't?
-Right.

-Okay, Bob, well, thanks for
being here on Walpurgisnacht,

so I guess -- I guess
"Witchboard" was, um,

probably the second-most
influential movie in the --

in the popularity
of the Ouija board.

-You know, the '80s were perfect
because, again,

another generation
discovered it.

So '70s, "Exorcist,"
'80s was an updated version,

and it just goes from there.
-Okay.

Well, are you a drinking man,
Bob?

-I love spirits
of another kind, for sure.

-Okay, well, this is the segment
where we break out the alcohol,

uh, and this is
some serious Sima from Finland,

uh, where they love
Walpurgisnacht,

and we're gonna chug
one of these,

and then we're gonna chase it
with a Maibock.

I don't know where our Maibocks
came from this year.

This is, like --
the Maibock is the first thing

from Walpurgisnacht that has
really made it over the ocean.

Um, have you ever burned
any witches, Bob?

-I-I try not to. [Chuckles]
-Okay.

Well, stick around.
Where's Darcy, by the way?

-Oh, she's getting into
her...costume.

-Okay, you're gonna like this,
Bob. You should stay for --

Thanks for being here
to explain the --

the ways of the Ouija...
-[Chuckles]

-...and, uh -- let's --
we'll toast the --

we'll toast to William Fuld,
you know?

-Exactly. Rest in peace.

-Yeah.

Go ahead and roll the movie,
'cause --

and also, Bob,
you probably already know this,

but in the story
of, uh, Faust,

the devil takes Faust up -- up
to the mountaintop, the Brocken,

uh, to show him the kinkiest,
wildest sex he's ever seen.

He takes him to an outdoor orgy,
and Faust is never the same.

So I don't want to scare you,
Bob,

but you might want to go home
before Darcy comes back out,

'cause that's where
we're going tonight.

You ready for that?
-Oh, I'm ready.

-Alright. My kind of guy.
Wise man.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static crackles]

[Engine revs]

-You did a good job tonight.
Thank you.

-You ever heard of the
word "malfeitor" before?

-Malfeitor?

It's Portuguese, it
means someone evil.

Why?

-Was David Portuguese?

-No, I don't think so.

-And he was only 10 years old?

-Yeah.

-Whoa.

He must've taken
some mega vitamins,

'cause he was a real toughie.

-Something's bothering you.
What is it?

-I see danger ahead.

-For Linda?

-For you, if you miss my house.

[Laughs]

It's coming up on the right.

[Laughs]

-A little more
psychic humor, huh?

[Both laugh]

-All kidding aside, though,
something is really icky.

-Like what?

-I'm not sure.
Stay by the phone,

and I'll call you
later on tonight

after I do the Nancy Drew bit.

[Chuckles]

T.T.F.N.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ In the middle
of the summer ♪

♪ In the middle
of the night ♪

♪ She was deaf from
her own heartbeat ♪

♪ Still she heard
something move ♪

♪ It was just out of sight

♪ And the morning was
way out of reach ♪

♪ Well,
she's made the answer ♪

♪ By the light of the day

-♪ Oh, it's so far away

-♪ And things go bump
in the night ♪

♪♪

-You!

♪♪

♪♪

[Doorknob rattling]

♪♪

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

[Breathing heavily]

[Gasps]

[Screams]

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Grunts]

-Police are calling it
the worst traffic accident

in the county's history.

An accident of a different
sort claimed the life

of a Fairfield woman
late last night

when she fell to her death
from a second-floor window.

The victim, Sarah Crawford,
claimed to be a psychic

and worked as
a professional medium

under the pseudonym
of Zarabeth.

Police officials
will not divulge

whether the death was
suicide or murder,

but a full-scale investigation
is presently underway.

-Thank you, Stu.

Lee'll be back with weather
right after this.

♪♪

[Buzzing]

-Yeah, who is it?

-Jim, it's Brandon.

We have to talk.

-Alright, I'll buzz you up.

-Okay, but meet
me in the upstairs lobby.

-What's up?
-Where's Linda?

-She's asleep, man.

Why?
-Come here.

Come here.

[Panting]

Zarabeth is dead.

-What?
-Someone or something

pushed her out a window.

-Jesus Christ.

-She suspected
something about David.

She was going to check on it.

I think David killed her.

-Wait a minute, man,
the spirit killed her?

-Yes, and I think he
cut the phone line, too,

so I couldn't warn
Linda about the Ouija,

and he probably killed Lloyd.

But that time I think
he was after you.

-Man, are you
listening to yourself?

You're telling me that there's
a 10-year-old ghost flying

around Fairfield killing people.

-Look, I know it sounds crazy,
but I am sure that I'm right.

-Well, assuming that you are,

I mean, why would
he wait till now?

You contacted him
long before Linda.

-I've never been alone.

I've always had people with
me when I use the Ouija.

-Well, okay,
so you took it home.

-No.

I checked the box this morning.

No Ouija.

-Man, that's impossible,
I boxed it myself.

-Well, maybe Linda removed
it when you weren't looking.

She's obsessed with it, Jim!

That means that
she's already fallen

into progressive entrapment.

-Well, then I just have
to find the damn thing

and get rid of it.
-It's too late for that.

Linda is so open now, I don't
think David needs it anymore.

-You told me that
that's where he got his power.

-No, it's just a portal.

You see, uh...

Most spirits are trapped
in their own world,

and they can't enter
ours without some kind

of help, like a medium
or a Ouija.

-Or someone that's been opened
by progressive entrapment.

-Yes.
-Yeah.

You're telling me that
Linda is a portal for David.

-Eventually...

he'll possess her,
unless we can stop him.

That's why I'm
going to Big Bear.

-What's in Big Bear?

-That's where David
claims he died.

Now I have to go there
and check out his story.

We can't fight him
unless we know exactly who he is

and how powerful he is.

And, for all I know,
he's been lying to me

since the first time
I contacted him.

-You really going up there?

-I have to.

I feel responsible.

-Wait, you gonna leave now?

-Yeah, until I get back,
you keep an eye on Linda.

-Brandon.

Listen, man.

Look, I don't know --
I don't know if I buy all this.

♪♪

But good luck.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-David, are you here?

David, have you come back?

[Gasps, screams]

♪♪

Jim!

Jim, help!

-Linda? Linda?

Open the door.

-Jim!

-Linda, unlock the door!

-Jim!

[Screams]

Jim!

[Sighs]

♪♪

-Jesus.

♪♪

♪♪

-Jim?

Linda?
Is everything alright?

Hello?

Jim? Linda?

-Mrs. Moses, call an ambulance.

-Why? What happened?

-Linda's hurt.

♪♪

She's unconscious.

♪♪

♪♪

[Siren wails]

[Tires screech]

-Doctor Rogers, 1742.

Doctor Rogers, 1742.

-Dewhurst, what do
you want from me?

-You know, I don't think
I've got the dexterity

to be a juggler, either.

-[Sighs]

-My, my, that was rude.

-I got a "D" in manners.

-How well did you know
Sarah Crawford, AKA Zarabeth?

-Why, was she into card tricks?

-I don't know.

But she managed to
get her throat slit

before she went
through a window.

That's a pretty neat trick
in anybody's book.

What do you think her throat
was slit with?

-A hatchet?

Whatever it was, her
throat matched the ropes

that were cut
on the construction site.

Have you found your hammer yet?

-No.

I guess it just vanished.

-You know, I saw
this magician once.

He managed to make an
entire elephant disappear.

An entire elephant!

That's no mean feat, either.

Just a tiny elephant
is pretty tough just

to stick up your sleeve.

Of course, I know that
he didn't really make

that elephant vanish
into thin air.

He just managed to
hide it someplace.

-Mr. Morar?

-Yes?

-I'm Dr. Gelineau.

-Is Linda alright?

-Your diagnosis was
right on the nose,

a mild concussion.

That must have
been quite a fall.

-Yeah.

How's the baby?

-Linda missed her
appointment yesterday,

so I didn't get
a chance to tell her,

but she's not pregnant.

-But she's had --

she's had morning
sickness all week --

-Nevertheless, I'm sorry.

-Can I see her?

-Sure, but
she's still unconscious.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Gasps]

-I'm going with you.

[Engine revs]

What's our first move
when we get there?

-The Big Bear Public Library.

-Why?

-Why not?

-Oh, well, as long as
you've got a reason.

Hm, hello.

-What?
-Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let me enlarge it.

Bingo.

"A gasoline explosion

aboard a small motorboat
claimed the life

of 10-year-old David Simpson
early yesterday morning.

Funeral services for David,
the only child of John

and Betty Simpson,
will be held this Saturday

at the Green Meadows Cemetery."

-Well, now we know
David's telling the truth.

We still don't know why
he's terrorizing Linda.

-How do we find that out?

-We ask his parents.

[Static crackles]

♪♪

[Laughter]

♪♪

-Alright, so,
just getting in practice.

Just getting in practice.
[Laughter]

We get that real serious scene

with the two guys
talking about Linda

and how she's in trouble,
and, seemingly out of the blue,

Brandon says,
"I'm going to Big Bear."

And when that scene happened
in the theater

when the movie first came out,

the, "I'm going to Big Bear,"
line would get a big laugh

as a, "What the fuck?" moment.
Why is he going to Big Bear?

'Cause, first of all,

if you don't live
in Southern California,

you may not know
what Big Bear is.

It's a lake resort
and a skiing resort

that's about a two-hour drive
from L.A.

up on top of
the San Bernardino Mountains.

But if you do live
in Southern California,

the line is doubly funny
because Brandon is saying,

"You know, this Ouija-board
stuff has gotten intense

and heavy, and I'm responsible,
so I'm going to Big Bear,"

meaning he's running away
to take a vacation.

So, anyway, we do learn
that David,

the spirit
in the Ouija board,

is a boy who died
at Big Bear Lake

in a boating accident
when he was 10 years old, so --

but that's in a scene
that got cut out of the movie.

So what he -- what he's going
to Big Bear to get in touch --

the reason he's going
to Big Bear

is to get in touch with David.

The whole plot at this point
revolves around

the Big Bear public library.
[Laughter]

Um, one reason this movie
looks so good --

all those ghost-camera moves
and the night shoots

and the jump scares
and the dream visions

and the kills -- is that
it was shot by Roy Wagner.

Roy Wagner grew up in the
little town of Cairo, Illinois,

right -- right there
where the Ohio River

meets the Mississippi River.

Historic town but tiny town.

And he would go to
the local movie house,

and he would write down
the names

of the cinematographers
on the big movies

and then call them up
and interview them

for his little magazine
in Cairo.

Um, not directors,
cinematographers.

He eventually made his way
to L.A.,

and he wanted to be
a cinematographer,

and -- and --
and on this particular movie,

he was still in the very
early days of his career.

He started out as just
the camera operator,

but after one week, the director
of photography was fired

'cause he couldn't move
fast enough,

and he couldn't do
all the shots that they needed,

and so Wagner moved up
to cinematographer.

Uh, he'd already done
one of my favorite

kung fu flicks of the '80s,
"Pray for Death,"

starring Sho Kosugi,
but, um, at that time,

you didn't really get
much credit

for doing a martial arts movie,
so he was still an unknown guy.

He would go on to
an illustrious career, though.

He shot
all of John Badham's films.

He was constantly nominated
for Emmys

for shows like "Quantum Leap."

Um, "The Last Drive-In" audience
would know him

for his work on "Nightmare on
Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors."

-Hell, yeah.

[Lightning crashing]

♪♪

[Wolf howling]

♪♪

♪♪

-Damn, Darcy.

You look ready to party.

-I'm ready for the satanic orgy.
[Laughter]

-I see you are.
-[Chuckles]

-You love "Dream Warriors."
-I do.

-Roy Wagner also shot
"Return to Horror High."

-Hell, yeah.

-You're really frisky tonight.

-I'm ready for battle, baby.

-Roy Wagner also shot
"Mortuary Academy."

-Eh.
-No response to "Mortuary --"

you know, the horror version
of "Police Academy"?

Wacky hijinks?

-I am not in a wacky-hijinks
kind of mood.

-Okay, well,
have some Sima.

-Oh, I will --
at the orgy.

-[Chuckles]

Sima. The Finnish liqueur.

I'll -- I'll open a new one.

[Laughter]

We're gonna need
several of these

before the epic battle
of good versus evil.

-Team evil, bay-bay.

[Laughter]
-Okay.

One more story about Roy Wagner.

The reason
I brought him up is, um,

Tawny Kitaen had
a little fluffy lapdog

that had been given to her

by her current boyfriend,
O.J. Simpson,

and she loved the dog, and
she took it everywhere with her.

And she had dyed the dog's hair.

She dyed it red to match exactly
the shade of her own hair,

and Roy Wagner,
who was the number-one

practical joker on this set --
there were quite a few of them

'cause this was
a very young cast and crew

who were into hijinks.
[Laughter]

Um, Roy Wagner orchestrated
a practical joke.

Uh, the special-effects
department made up a doll

that looked similar to
the little yappy dog,

and they dyed the hair on it
the same color,

and then they mashed it up
and put it underneath the --

the tire of that red
Cobra convertible,

and then they started screaming
that there had been an accident

while Tawny was in her trailer,

and, uh, she came running
out of the trailer

and saw the mutilated fake dog,
and she went into hysterics.

-Oh, my God.
That is so mean.

-Darcy, you're a witch.

-I mean --
-Nothing can be too mean.

-I mean, that is mean, though.
-She got over it.

And the production
of "Witchboard" continued

and moved on up to Big Bear,
and then, um...

By the way, that little
red sports car is a Cobra,

and I-I don't know
what Cobras sold for in 1986,

but, today, they go for
like $1.5 million or something.

And the reason they had
the Cobra

is that Walter Josten, the
producer, had just bought one.

This was Walter Josten's,
uh, first movie.

He was a commodities broker,

who wanted to get into
the motion-picture business,

and -- and this is
the first script that he read

and he liked the script
and wham, bam, thank you, ma'am,

Kevin Tenney's career
was launched

and Walter Josten's career
was launched.

He has now produced 100 movies,
and he's still going strong.

Uh, in fact, he produced
Kevin Tenney's next movie,

which was "Night of the Demons,"

uh, which made even less sense
than "Witchboard."

Walter Josten would eventually
buy the "Leprechaun" franchise,

uh, the "Children of the Corn"
franchise.

Um, he stayed with horror
for a long time.

He made all the "Witchboard"

and the "Night of the Demons"
sequels and remakes

in addition to
music documentaries

and more mainstream stuff.

Anyway, he drove a Cobra.

Alright, that's enough
"Witchboard" trivia.

Back to the movie.

And now we know,
from this movie,

why you and I suck
at the Ouija board,

because we're supposed
to have it on our knees,

a man and a woman --
we got that part right.

Never use it alone, right?

A man and a woman
facing each other,

total silence,
with the board underneath.

When was the last time it was
total silence around here?

[Laughter]
-Do you want to try it?

-No. No. Absolute--
no, I hate that thing.

But one thing Kevin Tenney said

about the inspiration
for the movie,

he said he went to a party and
somebody brought a Ouija board,

and, uh, that gave him
the idea for the script

because he thought,

"Nobody's ever done that
in the movies before,"

uh, which can't possibly
be true,

because,
as Bob Murch just told us,

it was used to summon
Captain Howdy in "The Exorcist."

But even before that, "Thirteen
Ghosts" had a Ouija board,

um, "The Uninvited" had
a Ouija board,

"Amityville 3-D" had
a Ouija board,

"Satan's Blood" had
a Ouija board, um...

Actually, remember the
Ouija board in "Mother's Day"?

You know, the demon
talking through the board

is just as illiterate
as the guy using the board.

It's hysterical
'cause the demon can't spell.

-Ooh, there's a Ouija board
in "The Bat Whisperers."

-In the what?

-"The Bat Whisperers."

-That's got to be one of those
precode movies from the '30s

that you're so fond of.

-It totally is.
But not just any movie.

It was the very first
wide-screen movie.

-Wow, secret witch knowledge.
-[Chuckles]

-So, anyway, it's --
it's more accurate to say

that "Witchboard" is
the first major treatment

of the Ouija in film.

♪♪

-You will drink the alcohol now.

♪♪

[Laughter]

-How did you --
I was thinking about that.

How did you know that?

-I'm empowered.

-By predicting
that I'm gonna drink alcohol?

I mean, the odds on that
are better than a coin flip.

[Laughter]

-You will say
some silly nonsense.

-[Sighs]

Flack to --
back to the flick.

Okay, you got me
on silly nonsense.

-No, actually,
that was way better odds

than a coin flip.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Chuckles]

♪♪

[Static crackles]

-Damn it! [Exhales sharply]

There's not one listing
for John or Betty Simpson.

-The article said
David was buried

at the Green Meadows Cemetery?

-Yeah. So?

-So maybe the caretaker's got
their address on an invoice.

[Crickets chirping]

-Jesus, don't do
that to me, alright?

-Sorry, man.

Look, nobody's home.

Place is locked up.

-Oh, damn it.

I guess we're just gonna
have to come back tomorrow.

-You know, as
long as we're here,

I'm gonna check out
David's grave.

-Why?

-Why not?

-No, Jim, don't!

Ugh.

I've got a very bad
feeling about this.

[Crickets chirping]

Oh, God, I've got a bad feeling
about this.

[Crickets chirping]

Jim?

Jim?
Where are you?

[Owl hooting,
dog barking in distance]

[Crickets chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Barking continues]

♪♪

♪♪

[Barking continues]

[Rustling]

♪♪

Aah!

-Shut up.

-Oh, God.

You scared the shit out of me.

-Shut up. Shut up.

You're gonna get us both
arrested for grave robbers.

-Where were you?

-I found somebody
I want you to meet.

-Who?

-David's parents.

Look at the date, man.

David's parents died
on the same day,

less than two weeks ago.

-Must have been some
kind of an accident.

-What if it wasn't?

♪♪

I'm going to try
and get some sleep.

I got to get
out to the dock first thing

in the morning.

-I don't suppose you have an
extra toothbrush in that bag.

-I'm afraid not.

-Damn, I hate talking to
ghosts with plaque on my teeth.

[Both laugh]

A little psychic humor.

-[Sighs]
God, why are we laughing?

-It helps us forget
how scared we are.

What happened to us, man?

♪♪

We used to be like brothers.

♪♪

-I don't know. Things change.

People change.

-I didn't steal her from you.
You know that.

♪♪

-I know.

It's just that every time I
see the two of you together,

I go crazy.

I start saying stupid things,
and I can't stop.

I tell myself, "Brandon,
stop being such an asshole."

Then my mouth pops open, and
out comes another stupid quip.

-You're still in love with her.

♪♪

I envy you that.

Remember what you said about
me quitting med school?

-Jim, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean that.

-Oh, no, you were right.

♪♪

You know what I'm afraid of
more than anything else?

That I'll never be
able to love anyone,

and that I'm gonna end up
spending

the rest of my life alone.

♪♪

If I had any real guts,
I'd get out of her life

before she wastes any
more of her time on me.

♪♪

-So tell me.

What does she see in you
that she didn't see in me?

-I make her laugh.

-So did I.

-Yeah, but only in the bedroom.

♪♪

[Both laugh]

♪♪

-You really are an asshole.
You know that?

-Yeah.

[Laughs]

-[Echoing] Linda.

Linda.

Linda.

[Ghostly voice moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

Linda.

Come here.

[Ghostly voice moaning]

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Sighs]

[Gasps]

[Screams]

-What'd you get?

-Take it. Let's go.

-Ah, man.

Haven't we seen enough of these?

-We're gonna need it
to contact David.

-Man, I got a real
bad feeling about this.

What are you doing, man?
I thought we had to

put this thing on our knees.

-Not this time.

Since this is where David died,

contact with the spirit
should be very strong.

-Not too strong, I hope.

-Don't worry.

If I'm right about
Linda being his portal,

she's too far away
for him to reach us.

-What if you're wrong,
and the Ouija's the portal?

You know, we're gonna
be opening the door

if we use this thing.

-I'm not wrong.

Linda is his portal.

David can't hurt us here.
We're too far away.

Besides, he can't do anything
while she's sleeping.

She's under sedation, right?

-Yeah.

-Linda?

I think you should stay and
let us run some more tests.

-Oh, no, I-I feel fine. I --
I just want to go home now.

Thanks.

♪♪

-David, why are you
terrorizing Linda?

♪♪

N-O?

N-O what?

♪♪

"T." N-O-T.

-Not?

-David, do you mean
you're not terrorizing Linda?

♪♪

-Then who is?

♪♪

♪♪

Evil.

What the hell does that mean?

-I don't...

♪♪

Wait a minute.

David.

You were at Jim's party,
weren't you?

♪♪

And you flattened my tire?

♪♪

David, now, this
is very important.

Please tell us the truth.

Did you kill Lloyd at
the construction site?

♪♪

And you didn't kill Zarabeth?

♪♪

But you did speak
to us through her.

♪♪

-No.

Then who the hell
did we talk to?

♪♪

♪♪

Again with the evil.

-Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I think I have it.

David,
is this evil another spirit?

♪♪

Is this spirit powerful?

Did it force you out
of Jim's apartment?

♪♪

Is this spirit's name Malfeitor?

♪♪

Then Linda never
actually contacted you

all the time she
was using my Ouija.

♪♪

-Alright, then
who's Malfeitor?

-That's what we're
gonna find out.

♪♪

David?

Who is Malfeitor?

♪♪

♪♪

-Her?
Who is her?

-David, do you mean Linda?

♪♪

Well, then who is her?

♪♪

-What's wrong?
-I don't know. He's agitated.

Be careful.

David, are you alright?

What's the matter?

-Hey.

Didn't you say
they were lousy spellers?

-That's right.

David, did you
misspell the word?

♪♪

Alright. Okay.

♪♪

Now, just try again.

One more time, slowly.

♪♪

Who is Malfeitor?

♪♪

"H"...

♪♪

..."E"...

♪♪

..."R."

♪♪

-What happened?

-I lost him.

It happens sometimes.

David.

-Can't you get him back?
-I don't know.

David.

-What is he trying

to spell here?
-I don't know!

David?

-H-E-R...

"E."

Here!

Malfeitor is here.

-But he can't be.
That would mean --

[Gasping]

[Coughing]

♪♪

Jim.

♪♪

[Coughs]

♪♪

[Grunts]

[Water splashes]

♪♪

-[Groans]

♪♪

♪♪

-Brandon?

♪♪

Brandon!

♪♪

[Sighs]

♪♪

[Groans]

♪♪

[Panting]

♪♪

[Gasps]

God! Jesus!

Oh, God.

♪♪

Oh.

Oh, God.

♪♪

Oh, God.

♪♪

[Crying]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Ghostly voice moaning]

♪♪

[Static crackles]

-Okay.

Jim and Brandon are sharing
a cheap motel room

at Big Bear
and talking about their feelings

and saying stuff like,

"I'm afraid I'll never be able
to love anyone."

I thought they were
just gonna start having sex

right there
on the paper-thin mattress.

Instead, they go to
the creepy cemetery

in the middle of the night

and they poke around
with flashlights

and then decide to
talk to David on the dock

with a pastel Ouija board,

even though Brandon said
earlier in the movie

it's not safe to use
the Ouija board

unless it's a male
and a female using it together.

So does that mean...?

No wonder this movie
sometimes turns up

on queer-fear lists,
right?

And, come to think of it,

a whole lot of furry,
bare-chest shots, too, right?

Um, anyhow,
the actor playing Jim,

who does some excellent
bawling -- his -- his --

he just bawls his eyes out
really well

as the demon camera
swirls in the air above him.

That actor is Todd Allen,
a Texan who would go on

to make three films
with Kevin Costner

and very memorable
in "The Apostle,"

if you remember that movie
with Robert Duvall.

And most people remember him

as slave trader Dollar Bill
in "Django Unchained."

Um, he also had a recurring role
on "Friday Night Lights,"

uh, did multiple films
with Lawrence Kasdan,

but he's the real deal.

Graduated from
the University of Texas.

Went to work as a roughneck
on an offshore oil platform

to raise money
so he could attend

the famous Neighborhood
Playhouse in New York,

where they teach
the Meisner technique of acting.

Uh, he was also a Golden Gloves
middleweight champion.

Uh, he's had a really
interesting career

while working exclusively
out of Austin, Texas,

where he still lives today.

Uh, he played
the ultimate macho role.

He was the legendary
test pilot Chuck Yeager,

the man who broke
the sound barrier

in the movie
"Pancho Barnes."

Okay, his bro lover,
the actor playing Brandon,

That's Stephen Nichols,

who was a major heartthrob
on daytime TV.

He is a soap superstar,

mostly for one role, uh,
"Patch" Johnson.

He wore an eye patch
on "Days of Our Lives,"

but he was also
on "General Hospital,"

"The Young and the Restless,"

did a whole lot of,
uh, theater in L.A.

He played Jim Morrison
in "The Lizard King."

Um, Cincinnati-born,
grew up in Dayton.

So Witchboard had the beefcake
and the cheesecake

in the form of Tawny Kitaen,

who is becoming
a different person now.

She's changing.
Is she becoming a witch?

I d-- I don't think the movie
is really about witches.

It's more about demons.

But in keeping with
our Walpurgisnacht theme,

you are about to dance
with the demons, Darcy.

-Bring it on.
-Alright, before I kill you...

[Both chuckle]
...later on tonight,

we're going to do
a little air traffic control.

I want to show you
where you're going.

Your destination is here,

this whole region,
the Harz Mountains.

This is a -- this is a detailed
map of the Harz Mountains

so you'll know
exactly where you are.

It's part of the Saxony-Anhalt
region of Germany

and, uh, specifically the area
right outside the town of Thale,

right here
near the Bode Gorge.

This -- you can see --
sort of see the Bode Gorge here

just below Thale called
the Hexentanzplatz.

Um, now, are you riding
on traditional broomstick

or hardcore pitchfork
or alt which churn dasher?

-Actually I have a friend
in Santa Barbara

that has his own plane,

so he's just gonna come
pick me up.

-Damn, Darcy, have a little
respect for witch tradition.

-I would prefer
not to mess up my hair

on the way to the orgy,
okay?

-Okay. Whatever.
-Thanks.

-Alright, well, once you get
to the Hexentanzplatz,

you must join
the other witches in dancing

away the snow.
That's the first thing you do.

You must dance until all the
snow is gone off the mountain.

And, uh,
we have an eyewitness

from, um,
two or three centuries ago

who told us what this
whole procedure looks like.

"Witches, demons and beasts
invited by Satan himself,

they tangled tongues,
pressed parts,

and split their flesh
at the seams

in macabre dances of vice."

-Well, you know, I used to be
an exotic dancer, so no problem.

-Okay. And then some of them
are following Medusa

and some of them
are following Lilith,

but, "Witches, young and old,
are offering sexual services

to whoever ventures up
the mountain."

-Still not a problem.
-Okay.

Um, and we know from Goethe,
the famous German writer,

that Faust himself is
forever changed after,

"He partakes in an orgy of wine
and lust and laughter

with the denizens
of the dark side."

-Okay, so Faust
was a high roller.

[Laughter]
-[Chuckling] Yeah, he was.

And I'm just going to hurry
through this account from, um --

this is from 1486,
the eyewitness wrote this.

"The witches on Brocken
are sex-craved femmes fatale,

penis-pilfering shapeshifters,

and man-corrupting
putrid, disgusting hags.

They cavort with devils, incubi,
succubi, and other witches

because women
are carnally insatiable.

-True enough.

-"The witches ride upon beasts
with the pagan goddess Diana,

obeying her commands
as a mistress,

answering her summons
to service."

-That is exactly
the job I want.

-And then, um, you want
to end up cavorting

and cutting capers here.
Where is it?

At the -- it's right up
right around here

at the Teufelsmauer
or the Devil's Wall.

-What's there?

-Let's just call it
the VIP room, okay?

-[Chuckles] Got it.
-Okay, and then --

and then if you're
pleasing to Satan

or to one of the greater demons,
you'll be taken to the Brocken,

the tallest peak
in the Harz Mountains

and the site
of the Witches' Sabbath.

-Hmm. I'm gonna be
the first one there,

commanding
all those other witches

to do whatever
big daddy Satan wants.

-Darcy, you are enjoying this
entirely too much.

-You've unleashed
the beast, baby.

Deal with it.
-Okay, Darcy.

You know what?
Have some Maibock.

Let me get you a glass,
because we --

-Uh, I'm good. Thank you.
-Alright, and -- alright,

you know, I've never
seen you like this.

-Dude, just wait
till we get to Germany.

-So, to sum it up, the -- the -
the witches are all drinking,

having sex, and worshiping Satan
in a three-stage process

that lasts till dawn, and my job
is to burn all y'all up.

-[Laughs maniacally]

[Thunder rumbles]

-Damn.

Alright, back to the
thrilling conclusion

to the 1986 indie hit,
"Witchboard."

Do you agree with me, Darcy,

that, uh, Jim and Brandon
were on the verge of having sex

in their crummy little room
at the Wishing Well Motel?

-I wish.
-When I think of Big Bear,

you know, I think
of Reggie Bannister

'cause he lives up there
on Big Bear,

star of the "Phantasm" movies.

Reggie and Gigi, we had them
both on the show

when we did
the "Phantasm" marathon.

Um, but you know who made
Big Bear famous?

Cecil B. DeMille.

He was the first celebrity
to vacation up there,

and then Hollywood
started filming up there,

including one
of your favorites,

uh, "Jack Frost."
-Yay.

-Um, also, boxers like
to train up there.

Like, Oscar de La Hoya
trains up there.

Um...
Tyson trained up there.

"Sugar" Shane Mosley,
Fernando Vargas.

Let's go to Big Bear.
Let's do a show up there.

-I don't know what mountain
you're going to,

but I'm going to the Brocken.

-Darcy, you are really scary.

♪♪

-Good.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static crackles]

[Ghostly voice moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

[Ghostly voice moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

[Ghostly voice moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Crickets chirping]

-David?

David, where are you?

David, what have
you done with Jim?

David, answer me, God damn it.

[Crickets chirping]

David.

[Crickets chirping]

You bastard.

♪♪

♪♪

-Carlos Malfeitor
was a fairly notorious

mass murderer in his day.

He killed nine people.

Chopped them all up with an axe.

-Whatever happened to him?
Is he still alive?

-No, the police finally
caught up to him around 1930.

Shot him down in his own home.

There it is.

♪♪

-Hello?

Yes, I'd like to speak
to Linda Brewster.

She's a patient in room 310.

No, no, 375.

It's an emergency.

What?

When?

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Aah!

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine revs]

[Moaning]

[Gasps]

♪♪

[Screams]

-[Growls]

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

-Linda?

[Birds chirping]

Jesus Christ.

[Birds chirping]

-[Grunting]

-Geez!

Linda, I'm trying to help you.

-[Distorted voice]
Fine. Then stop moving.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Go ahead, James.

What are you waiting for?

-Linda, I love you.

♪♪

-[Normal voice] Jim?

-[Breathing heavily]

God, Linda, I...

-[Distorted voice]
It's not that easy, James.

-[Groaning]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

-Don't move, asshole!

The rest of you people go
back down to your apartments.

Now!

I understand you left
quite a mess up there

in Big Bear, Mr. Morar.

-Dewhurst, listen.

It's not what you think.

Listen to me.

-Don't.
-Li--

-Ms. Brewster, can you stand?

-[Moaning]

[Grunts]

You won't kill her, James.

-I could shoot her
in the leg.

-That won't change anything.

-It'll buy us some time.

Time to fight you, time for
Linda to close the portal.

-Only you can do that, James.

-Put it down.

Put it down!

-You're so smart.

You haven't figured it
out yet, have you, James?

You're the portal.

Not Linda.

You're the one I opened.

You're the one I terrorized
by torturing Linda

and by killing your friends.

♪♪

Linda's mine as
long as you live.

♪♪

-Bullshit.

Bullshit.
You tried to kill me.

♪♪

-No.

Just scare you.

You're the portal, James.

♪♪

You wanna save Linda?

That's right.

You've got the means
right there in your hands.

Go ahead, James.

Close the portal.

But you won't.

♪♪

You can't.

You don't love her that much.

♪♪

Not thatmuch.

♪♪

-Linda.

-Is she worth it, James?

♪♪

Is anybody really worth it?

Think about it.

[Cocks gun]

♪♪

-[Grunts]
-[Normal voice] Jim, don't!

[Gunshots]

[Distorted voice] [Grunts]

[Growling]

No!

♪♪

[Growls]

-[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bell tolling]

♪♪

-[Sniffles]

♪♪

-[Sniffles]

♪♪

-I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

♪♪

-Look what I found.

-A Ouija board.

[Chuckles]

Gee, I haven't seen one of
these since I was a kid.

-I didn't know they've
been around that long.

[Both chuckle]

-I wonder if it still works.

-With all those holes in it?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ In the middle
of the summer ♪

♪ In the middle
of the night ♪

♪ She was deaf from
her own heartbeat ♪

♪ Still she heard
something move ♪

♪ It was just out of sight

♪ And the morning was
way out of reach ♪

♪♪

♪ Questions may be answered

♪ By the light of the day

-♪ But it's so far away

-♪ And things go

♪ Bump in the night

♪♪

♪ Bump in the night

♪ The stairway's a dragon

♪ When you turn out the light

♪ And things go

♪ Bump in the night

♪ She'd been dreaming
of demons ♪

♪ Dreaming of fire

♪ Dreaming the deluge was near

♪ When something awoke her

♪ Like the voice of a child

♪ And suddenly
nothing was clear ♪

♪♪

♪ Logical conclusions

♪ Get harder to make

-♪ As you lie there awake

-♪ And things go

♪ Bump in the night

♪♪

♪ Bump in the night

♪ The coat rack's a madman

♪ When you turn out the light

♪ And things go

♪ Bump in the night

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Logical conclusions

♪ Get harder to make

-♪ As you lie there awake

-♪ And things go

♪ Bump in the night

♪♪

♪ Bump in the night

♪ The stairway's a dragon

♪ When you turn out the light

♪ And things go

♪ Bump in the night

♪ Bump in the night

♪♪

♪ Bump in the night

♪♪

♪ Bump in the night

♪♪

♪ Bump in the night

♪ The stairway's a dragon

♪ When you turn out the light

♪ And things go

♪ Bump in the night

[Static crackles]

♪♪

-Okay.

Nice double ending.

Actually, triple ending if you
count the Rose Marie scene.

And once again, what is
Rose Mary doing in this movie?

Uh, I know she was a huge fan
of Stephen King,

but what's amazing
is that she was playing

the elderly landlady
in this movie,

and she would still work
for 30 more years.

She was doing voices
on "Garfield" into the --

well into the teens,
so 90-year career.

I don't know any other actor
with a 90-year career

because she was "Baby Rose Marie
the Child Wonder"

in 1927 at the premiere
of "The Jazz Singer,"

and that was not her
first appearance.

She had been on stage from,
I think, the age of 3.

Um, she was not just
in vaudeville.

She was a headliner
in vaudeville as a child.

So if you make a list
of the people she worked with,

it's people three generations
removed from us,

like Edgar Bergen and
Rudy Vallée and Phil Silvers,

and her mentor
was Jimmy Durante.

So she -- she -- in fact,
she was the Showroom act

at the Flamingo in Vegas

on the opening night
of the Flamingo in 1946,

'cause somehow she was
connected to "Bugsy" Siegel.

Um, And in 1986,

she still wants the little part
in the horror flick?

You know, I think they call
that being a trouper.

Anyway, I think there are
a lot of cheats in the plot,

um, starting with the fact
that Malfeitor,

the, uh, evil demon
in the Ouija,

does not appear
until the last act,

and he's unrelated
to anything else in the story.

Malfeitor has no lines.

He was played by
the on-set photographer

just because the guy was tall
and broad-shouldered,

and he looked menacing,

but the rules
of the supernatural

Ouija spirit
are also confused.

They basically just
make up anything.

The board can levitate objects
and slam doors

and use knives and axes
and hatchets

and push people
through windows

and go to any location
with no motive

other than
it's an evil spirit.

[Laughter]
But why this Ouija board?

Why this woman's body?

Why does he need to kill
Zarabeth or Brandon?

Unexplained.

And if Jim is the portal --

they seem to make
a big deal out of that.

"You're the portal.
You're the portal.

Kill yourself." You know?

first of all, he's
the only person in the movie

who never had anything to do
with the Ouija board.

He refused to use it.

Second, he doesn't believe
in the Ouija board.

And, third,
he was just a visitor

at the party at that house.

He doesn't have anything
to do with the house.

And if the house
is the portal,

which seems to be implied
when they reveal

that Linda's house
was a serial killer's house,

uh, why would Jim also
be the portal?

And then the way to get
rid of the evil spirit

is shoot the board
with a gun?

-[Chuckles]
-That was the whole solution,

blam, blam, blam, and the board
whirls through space

and kills the evil spirit?

I mean, if they'd just
mutilated the board

instead of throwing it
into a garbage can,

you know, the movie would've
been over 40 minutes earlier.

So "Witchboard" was a minor hit
when it came out,

making $7.3 million

on an investment
of just $2 million, so --

but it sold
100,000 video units,

and that meant that
Kevin Tenney's career

was off and running.

He never went back to USC
to finish his master's degree.

He just kept on making movies --

um, "Night of the Demons,"
uh, "The Cellar,"

which went straight to video,
"Witchtrap."

Kevin Tenney made more movies
with "witch" in the title

than any other filmmaker
'cause he also made

"Witchboard 2:
The Devil's Doorway,"

"Witchboard III:
The Possession."

That was made in Canada.

That pretty much ended
the franchise.

Uh, Tenney made an excellent
action thriller

called "Peacemaker" with
Robert Forster and Robert Davi,

um, and he also made one
of your favorite films, Darcy,

uh, "Pinocchio's Revenge"...

-Yay! I mean, "Mm, yay."

-...before going into
producer mode.

Um, he produced,
uh, "Brain Dead"

and, uh, that
"Night of the Demons" remake

and several other movies.
-Mm, I like it, too.

-You like that remake?
-Mm-hmm.

-Um, he made a bigfoot movie,
but it was one of those

sweet children's bigfoot movies,
you know?

Not a big fan of those.
-[Chuckles]

-Probably the main legacy of
"Witchboard" in the horror world

is that everybody started using
Ouija boards in movies

'cause before "Witchboard,"

the Ouija had been used
maybe 10 times.

Um, since "Witchboard,"
it's been used like 50 times,

starting in 1990
with the whole plot

of "Sorority House
Massacre II," right,

which revolves around
five girls in lingerie

talking to a killer
on the Ouija board.

-Love that movie.
[Both chuckle]

-"What Lies beneath",
"Prison of the Dead",

"Long Time Dead",

"Malefic",

"Paranormal Activity."

All those movies use the Ouija.

And remember "I Am Zozo"?

Zozo being the spirit
that has invaded hundreds of

Ouija sessions.

"The Pact",
"The Conjuring 2."

And then Hasbro,
which owns the Ouija board,

they bought it from
Parker Brothers in 1991,

they tried to do
a franchise of movies.

They made a movie called
"Ouija", which came out in 2014.

It was a lame PG-13 flop

because they didn't want
the Ouija board

to do anything sinister
or satanic or harmful

to the person
using the Ouija board.

So -- hello!
No plots available for that.

And then Netflix made
that movie "Veronica."

That is supposedly based
on a true story of

a 15-year-old girl
who played with a Ouija board

and died under
mysterious circumstances,

and the police could never
figure out what killed her.

None of these Ouija movies,
though, can compete with

"The Devil's Gift."

Did you see that?

"The Devil's Gift."
-Yes.

-In which a jolly chimp
is possessed by a demon.

You know those monkeys
that bang the cymbals together?

A demon possessed
cymbal crashing toy monkey.

Imagine the possibilities.
Okay. Darcy, what did you think?

Tawny Kitaen can
kick ass, right?

Those were some pretty decent
stunts in the fight scenes.

-Oh, my God. She's awesome.

And she did all
of her own stunts.

-Also, I think she challenged
Jill Schoelin

for the latest shower scene
in a movie.

Her shower scene comes right
before the ending of the movie.

Remember, Jill Schoelin
has a shower scene

at the climax of
"The Stepfather."

Same thing, shower scene

as climactic
fight scene motivation.

-I like the kills a lot.

There are some really
creative kills,

and Tawny Kitaen
working that ax, mm, yes.

-Okay, the most interesting
thing I read about

Tawny Kitaen's career is that
when she was 14 years old,

growing up in San Diego,

she got a backstage pass
at a Peter Frampton concert,

and she saw that
Peter Frampton's girlfriend,

Penny, was getting
the VIP treatment,

and she decided that's what
she wanted to aspire to,

to be the girlfriend,
and she did.

She was on the cover
of two Ratt albums.

She became the Whitesnake girl,
and she married David Coverdale.

That didn't work out.

So then she married
Chuck Finley.

200 game winner.

Pitcher who ended up
at the -- he ended up

at Anaheim
playing for the Angels.

And they had two kids together
while she was still acting.

Mostly she was in TV
after the '80s.

Died before her time.

Her heart couldn't
handle the drugs.

Okay, Darcy.

Should we do a little mailbag
before I burn you up?

-Yes, we can read some mail
before I terrorize your soul.

-Okay, great. Go for it.

-It's from River
in Roanoke again.

-I remember River.
-Yeah.

-How old is River now?

-I think he tells you in there.

-Oh, he's got, like,
little things in there.

-Presents.

He's got a -- Gosh, River.

He's got -- What is that?

Is that a babadook?

-A babadook? No.

-Okay. What is this?
What is it?

I don't know.
-He'll tell you.

All right, I'll read his letter.

Okay.

"Dear Joe Bob, it's me, River.
How have you been?

I'm now 10 years old now.
I'm about to be 11.

If you don't remember me,
I was the 8-year-old

that didn't know
why I liked 'Wolfcop.'

And I still don't know why.

Another movie
you should watch is...

"The Quiet Place."

While you were talking
to Svengoolie,

Ernie was moving a lot.

But there's a better movie
than 'The Quiet Place.'

'Willy's Wonderland,'
including Nicolas Cage in it.

From River.

Hi, Darcy."

Hi.

And then he tried to write --
draw you a picture,

and then he X'd it out.

Never mind.

-It was a good try.

-So, yeah. So I actually agree
with you, River.

"Willy's Wonderland"
got buried during the pandemic.

Nic Cage fighting murderous
animatronic characters

in a fun house.

Who wouldn't love that?

And really, if I had to choose
between rewatching

"Willy's Wonderland"
and "A Quiet Place",

I think I would go
for the Nic Cage movie, right?

Anyhow, he forgot to put
your message, Darcy,

but if you'll recall,

River invited you
to dinner previously

and said that he would
provide a veggie plate.

So -- But do you agree with him?

-Oh, anything is better
than "A Quiet Place."

-Really?
You dislike it that much?

-Oh, I really do.
-Okay.

-You're a mom.

How old do you think
a kid should be

before he's allowed
to watch hard core horror?

-To me, you're never too young,
with no restrictions.

-Okay, Darcy.

Somehow that doesn't
surprise me, you saying that.

But now it's time
for the second movie,

which is totally satanic,
as you know.

It's actually a satanic
movie financed by the Mafia.

So it's got all these levels
of evil penetrating through it.

And as soon as it starts,

I'm using all my witch fighting
knowledge to bring you down.

-Have fun with that.

-Walpurgisnacht act two,
after the break.

But for now,
I'm Joe Bob Briggs reminding you

that it may seem like

we're drinking
a lot on Walpurgisnacht,

but I once killed a six pack
just to watch it die.

[Laughter]

-Ugh. Okay.

-We probably need
a few witch jokes.

Don't you think?

-Oh, we don't need
any witch jokes.

-Yeah. What happens when a
witch breaks the sound barrier?

-You're going to tell me.

-You hear a sonic broom.

-Ooh.

-What was the worst part
of being convicted

at the Salem Witch Trials?

You had to register
as a hex offender.

[Laughter]

Okay, guy walks into a bar.

Guy walks into a bar, says,
"Bartender, give me two shots,

one for me and one
for my best buddy."

The bartender says,
"You want both shots now,

or you want to wait till your
buddy gets here to pour his?"

And the guy says,
"Oh, we want both now.

I got my best buddy
in my pocket."

And he pulls a little 3-inch man
out of his pocket.

And the bartender says,
"Can he even drink that much?"

He goes, "Oh, sure, he can drink
all that and more."

So the bartender pours
the two shots,

and sure enough,
the little guy drinks it all up.

And the bartender says,
"That's amazing.

What else can he do?
Can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter
down to the end of the bar,

and he says, "Hey, Rodney,
go fetch that quarter."

The little dude runs down
to the end of the bar,

picks up the quarter,
runs back down,

and gives it to the man.

And the bartender
is in total shock now.

He says, "That's
more than amazing.

What else can he do?
Does he talk?"

And the man looks surprised, and
he says, "Sure, he can talk.

Hey, Rodney, tell him
about that time

we were down
in Africa on safari

and you called
that witch doctor an asshole."

[Light laughter, groans]

-Oh, but that wasn't
really a witch joke.

-That was a witch doctor joke.

-That doesn't count.
-That totally counts.

-That doesn't count.

I will see you on Brocken, sir.

-You'll never make
it to Brocken.

-I'm going to rule Brocken.

-You're toast.
You're going to get burned up.

-You're delusional.

-Good joke, though, right?

-Delusional.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]