Original subtitles

Damn. This is one sexy automobile.

If Margot Robbie were a car, she'd be a 1968 Pontiac Firebird.

Paint looks great.

Boy, I'll tell you what, we got modified suspension,

all-disc brakes, a straight-six modified overhead cam...

Oh, yeah, keep talking, baby.

Y'all need girlfriends.

No, no, no, don't touch it.

You know, Mr. Jay Leno, very picky about his paint jobs.

[imitating Jay Leno] "That's right. Wait.

Did one of your grease monkeys touch my car?"

Dude, that's your Leno? You sound like Tickle Me Elmo.

[imitating Jay Leno] You guys are crazy. It sounds just like Leno.

Drop the mic. Come on, let's do some gags, little bits.

There's the man I'm looking for.

Did anyone ever call you Matty?

Never more than once.

Are you familiar with the North Hollywood Improvement Association?

Oh, I love NoHo Imp Ass.

Anyway, we're fixing up that janky park down the street.

I was hoping you'd join the other local businesses

in donating an item for our auction.

- Hmm... - It'd be great PR for the shop.

You know, much like your biblical namesake, Eve,

I think you're trying to tempt me.

But unlike Adam, I'm not gonna bite on your apple.

Come on, why won't you help us out?

This is a fundraiser for a good cause.

Just donate something small, like a tire change or your heart.

We're a restoration shop.

We don't do tire changes, and I have no heart. Bye-bye, Eve.

Hey, Matt. Come on, man. Parks are important.

Plus, the world could use some generosity from white guys with money.

Especially since you took Snoop Dogg from us.

I have very generous heart. I'm a generous man.

I'm letting two of my employees stand around here doing nothing

with their thumbs in their butts.

For the record, my thumb was nowhere near my butt.

You're cute.

I have a few friends that you could make really happy for, like, a week.

Thank you.

So, you like parks?

I love parks. Spent my whole childhood in 'em.

I crashed so many quincea�eras.

Them pi�atas didn't stand a chance.

Love it. So what are you donating?

We could make one of those charity calendars.

You know, the hot mechanics of Parker Restoration.

I was thinking more along the lines of a tune-up.

Like a sexy tune-up?

Stitch.

[beatboxes]

Oh, my God, Wendy is going to love you.

What about you? I bet you're incredibly talented at something.

I do a little DJing, mainly for my friends,

but I did one slamming bat mitzvah.

Challah bread!

Perfect. I'll put you down for a four-hour event.

Gabe, unlimited auto care for a year.

- Dancing optional. - Oh,

there will be dancing.

- Stitch. - [beatboxes]

I'll text you Wendy's number.

Uh, Mom, is it okay if I have some friends over

after school to play some video games?

"Friends"? Oh, that's nice.

Did you hire them?

No, she didn't hire them.

You didn't, right?

You think I can afford friends for you? I can't afford new bras.

So, who are they?

Just a couple guys. I call them my crew. They call me C-Dog.

I'm not sure what the C stands for, but...

Duh! "Chill dude." I mean, it makes sense.

- This is hard to watch. - Yeah, I'll say.

So, what's their angle, Carter?

They don't have an angle. They want to hang out with him.

I don't buy it. No offense.

I don't know if I want strange kids coming over here.

God knows what they're bringing in.

Drugs, weapons, crackers made of seaweed, who knows what.

He needs to make friends here.

Just let me take the lead.

This is a job for cool mom, not "get off my lawn" grandpa.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Eve, what's up? Hey, how's the auction going?

How many bids you got for DJ Slow Your Roll?

[imitates air horn]

None.

[imitates air horn]

Don't worry, guys. It's early. Bidding is just getting started.

The wellness center's already got 14 bids on a colonic.

So, instead of, you know, hearing you DJ,

people would rather have water pumped up their...

Which is hurtful.

So, you know... I'm gonna go back to work.

You know what? I bet people would spend a lot of money

for a spin in one of these cool cars.

Yeah, they would.

And then they'd find our bodies in the trunk if Matt ever found out.

Right, I get it. You're daddy's boy.

And you're a bad boy who plays by his own rules

and doesn't care what the boss man thinks and does whatever he wants.

I know what you're doing.

And it's working.

You know, we're taking this '66 Shelby Mustang out for a test drive next week.

It couldn't hurt if someone happened to be in the back seat.

I'll be back to take a picture for the website.

Eve, you want a video for my item?

[beatboxes]

No, but I am donating five dance lessons. You might want to bid on those.

All right, have fun on your sleepover. Be sure to thank Sophie's mother.

Don't worry, moms love me.

I compliment their hair, say they got good taste in music.

I make 'em feel young.

Oh, hey. Uh, this is Ethan and Kyle.

See? They're real.

Nice to meet your two followers on Instagram.

Ah, good one. How's the 8:30 bedtime treating you?

Well, well, well. Looks like the Girl Scouts got through the sprinklers.

[chuckles]

Your dad's like a thousand.

That's my grandpa, and yeah.

We're gonna go play Call of Duty.

I gotta check these backpacks out first, and after that,

put your hands against the wall for a little pat down.

Condoms?

[chuckles] You're never gonna need these.

It's aspirational.

Okay, strip search is over.

Have fun, boys. I'll bring you some snacks.

I don't know what you're worried about. God, did you see those boys?

They're just sweet, nerdy, totally harmless...

[gasps]

Pot gummies?

I'm gonna kill those bastards.

Listen, if you need a confession, we can use a car battery,

copper wire and a little jigsaw.

Are you two derelicts giving my son marijuana?

Mom, please.

Are you here to get high?

You know you're too young for these, right?

You're lucky I don't turn you in to the authorities.

Dude, your mom's kinda a narc.

A narc? For your information, I was the coolest kid at your school.

Okay, Grandma.

Shut up, Ethan. I'm way younger than your mom, and your dad hits on me.

Now, tell me, which one of you brought these?

Carter? Where did you get them?

They fell out of your pocket.

So, these are mine?

Are you, like, a weed dealer?

Oh, God. I'm gonna go to jail.

She's hot when she's mad.

Inappropriate, Kyle, and thank you.

Mom, we weren't gonna do them.

We were just gonna play video games. I mean, they didn't even know.

Not cool holding out on us.

Let's step, bro.

Mom, don't freak out. I just found them a couple of days ago.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was thinking of trying one, but I haven't.

And you never will.

I need to think of a suitable punishment. Until then, you're grounded.

Fine, I might as well never leave this house since I don't have any friends.

[Carter sighs]

You know, women's prisons are pretty nice these days.

Coffee klatchers, assemble. It's an emergency.

Don't freak out. The three of us will raise it together.

What? No, I'm not pregnant. God.

There's something I need to discuss softly

so my dad doesn't give me a parenting lecture.

Scones too? Ooh, I know this gonna be juicy.

It's Carter. I caught him with pot gummies.

If you're talking about Carter eating those gummies, if you ask me-

- I didn't. - If you had-

I hadn't.

I would say, let him take the gummies.

[all] What?

Wait. [clears throat] Did you just say, "Give him a gummy"?

Matt wants someone to get high?

Am I high?

I'm high, and this is still weird to me.

You are seriously suggesting I give my son weed?

He said he wanted to experiment, right?

You can't stop him from doing that.

You did drugs just to piss off your mom and I, right?

- And look how that turned out. - This is what I'm saying.

So let him do it, but do it with him. Teach him.

Scare him straight.

Wow, I cannot believe you are encouraging me to be cool about weed.

Why is that such a surprise to you?

Have you met you?

When I was young, I did doobies.

Okay, Cheech.

It wasn't for us. It was for Deadheads and Democrats.

We didn't do the pot thing.

Pot was just my gateway to the real devil stuff, booze.

[imitates bottle top popping]

You know, Matt is driving some knowledge.

Nothing make weed more unhip than doing it with your mom.

Unless your mom is Willie Nelson.

I mean, learn from the French.

We all hear those stories about the French people.

They let the kids drink wine.

But sitting there at the dinner table, it just makes wine uncool.

And so we just do it like that.

You have a charcuterie board with the gummies and that stinky cheese,

a little baguette and au revoir and you just go right on.

You've never said anything nice about the French.

Because they're rude, they eat snails, and they don't use deodorant.

There it is.

Oh, by the way, I can't believe you got Jay Leno to donate a ride in his car.

[Stitch] Wait, what?

Dude, she posted the wrong car.

What is wrong with Eve?

You clearly said in 1966 Shelby Mustang, not a 1968 soft-top Pontiac Firebird.

Even a child would know the difference.

[sighs]

Carter, get your butt in here.

Mom, I know what you're gonna say. I shouldn't be doing-

There you go. One weed gummy.

Okay, that's not what I thought you were gonna say.

Actually, it's one half of one weed gummy.

One half of one very low-dose weed gummy.

"Bong" app�tit.

Why are you doing this?

- Oh, my... Did you take the other half? - No.

Since you're curious, I will let you try it, under my guidance.

But first,

I need you to know what you're getting into, okay?

Your dad and I did a lot of partying, and you see how that turned out.

I've done some research, put together a presentation I like to call,

"So, you want to try marijuana.

Some call it reefer.

Others call it Mary Jane.

The Sticky Icky.

That Dank Nug..."

"... Acapulco Gold.

The Chronic.

Devil's lettuce."

Okay, moving on.

Let's discuss what weed does to your brain,

because it does affect different people different ways.

Did you take the gummy?

No, but I did learn my favorite name for weed is "Maui Wowie."

[Matt chuckles]

"The man who walks back through that door in the wall

is never quite the same as the man that went out."

- Who said that? - You, just now?

Aldous Huxley, Doors of Perception. Pow!

Oh, my God! Did you take a gummy?

What? No.

[gasps] Dad!

I thought it would be great...

Hmm.

What?

I thought it would be great if we could do this as a family.

How do I put this in a way you'll understand?

Weed is like China.

It's a lot stronger than it was when you were in high school.

Yes, it is.

Oh, no.

Come on, dude, do it. Let's go.

Don't be baby. Let's go. Do it.

Okay, this is my next card, the evils of peer pressure.

You know I'm thinking... [sniffles]

I can't feel my arm.

[chuckles] Maybe it's a stroke.

Oh, God, am I hungry. Oh, shoot.

- That's the wrong way. - Oh. [chuckles]

Yeah, it's just... I don't know what that is.

Maui Wowie.

Okay, now you've been educated.

You can make an informed decision.

Cool. Thanks, Mom.

[? "The Joker" playing]

Oh, no. Sounds like the Pineapple Express just pulled into town.

? Some people call me Maurice ?

[imitates guitar riff]

? 'Cause I speak- ?

- [music stops] - What a buzzkill.

I think you should go to bed, your highness.

I'm partying. I'm not going to bed.

? 'Cause I'm a joker I'm a smoker And a midnight toker ?

You're also a grandfather. You need to pull it together.

- [doorbell rings] - We have visitors!

We have visitors?

Yeah, your boy's schwasted.

Hey. Stitch, Gabriel, guys, come on in.

Get out of there. Come on.

It's a beautiful night out there. Look at that. Look at that.

He's acting creepy nice, man. He already knows.

It's like in Goodfellas when they got Pesci.

Pesci? [imitating Joe Pesci] "Funny like a clown?

Do I amuse you?"

It's almost like Leno doing Pesci.

Well, you know what, speaking of Leno, man, I got something I need to tell you.

No, I got something to tell you.

What?

I... What?

Right, I'll go first.

Look, man, I accidentally let Eve auction off a ride in Jay Leno's car

for the NoHo Imp Ass tree thing, man.

And I... [sighs]

...was there.

Thanks.

- So, look, bro, we had a good 20-year run. - Oh, yeah.

And you should fire Gabe 'cause he was there.

What are you talking about? Fire? We're talking about parks.

I love parks.

Parks. National parks, Jurassic Parks, Rosa Parks.

Park is in my name, Parker. I love parks.

What is happening?

I probably don't say this enough, but I really appreciate you two guys.

You don't say that ever.

Yeah?

What's wrong with you, bro? You all right?

What?

W-We got the W. We're gonna get out of here now.

- See you later. - Okay.

He ate half a box of pizza rolls.

And they're still frozen.

What's Papa doing now?

Just watching TV.

That's a huge moth... Look out, Godzilla!

Yeah, I think I'm gonna pass on the gummy.

Oh, really? How come?

Seeing grandpa high. Uh...

If it makes him act like that, I don't want to see what it's gonna do to me.

Yeah, he's kind of ruining it for me too.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm good.

I think that's a good choice for now,

and when you're older, you can make a more informed decision.

But if you ever want to talk about it again,

I will be here with my index cards.

Thanks. And you are a cool mom.

Nerd.

I think I get what you mean about the doors of perception.

It's like you go through a door and you learn something,

but you also learn how much you don't know.

[imitates explosion]

How many?

- Relax. It's five milligrams. - [Matt groans]

To me, that's basically like a chewable vitamin.

[grunts]

Am I screwing up my kid?

Yep.

[sighs] We all screw up our kids. Look what I did to mine.

[chuckles] Yeah, you did.

Wait, are you talking about me?

Every parent screws up their kids. There's no book on this stuff.

We do the best we can. You know, things happen.

But look at it this way.

Carter said no, he didn't want to experiment,

so consider that a victory, okay?

You're right.

Wow, Dad, this is like a real breakthrough moment for us.

[Matt] Mmm.

What?

What?

- What? - What?

[Matt sighs]

Hey, guys. The auction was a huge success.

How much did my sexy tune-up raise?

You owe me 20 bucks.

Stitch, your donation rocked.

Who knew so many people wanted to ride in Jay Leno's car?

Ride in his car? Who gave anybody permission to ride in Jay's car?

You did. Last night.

What?

You said you like trees and parks. You said you appreciate me.

Does that sound like me?

No.

Jay's gonna stop by here. You gotta tell him all about this.

And you, you gotta stop raising money for your commie parks here in my shop.

Wow. You really hate that park, huh?

I hate all parks. Drill, baby, drill.

That's very weird, because I happen to know

that you've been giving money to that park for years.

[scoffs] I don't know what you're talking about.

See, I have a very gossipy coworker

who said you've been donating that money to that park since she was a kid.

You can't make me into a nice guy,

and I probably should've left that kid at the park when she was eight years old.

Oh, oopsie, it's too late. I already know you're nice.

[door opens]

Matt, you have outdone yourself-

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, is that a thumbprint?

We'll get rid of that. Jay, Stitch has something to say.

Hey, yo, Jay. Look, you my man. Check it.

I gotta be real with you, man. I gotta apologize and rep.

Hey, what I did, I let my girl Eve from the NoHo Imp Ass take the car.

They put a little auction, took it for a little whip and brought it back.

Know what I mean?

Finally, a straight answer.

Look, I love parks, okay?

To be honest with you, I got so many cars,

I forgot where I left this one.

Thank you, Mr. Leno.

If you were any nicer, you'd be Matt Parker.

Ugh.

- Everything okay? - Why you asking?

Well, you called me last night. You left a long message.

You said the car was ready. Then you said you love me.

Then you asked if I was a joker,

a smoker

- or a midnight toker. - Toker, yeah.

Yeah, and then you started crying.

I was doing a bit.

- A comedy bit. - For you.

Yeah. You know, it's funny you mention it.

I was watching a show last night. It must have been from the '90s.

A guy looks like a younger version of you, has all your mannerisms.

The difference between you and him, he was really funny.

Oh, that guy. He was unbeliev-

Hey, wait a minute. Hey.

Nobody leaves till I get everybody's fingerprint.

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