All language subtitles for Saturday Night Live S50E07

Hello, everybody.

Thank you for the press
for joining us to document

this very important
presidential transition. Me?

I've been serious right now.

Even though we disagree.

I'm eager to sit down
for a respectful conversation.

Yeah, I get a lot of me.

Instead of being rude

and crazy like usual,
I'm doing quiet and serene,

which in many ways is a lot
scarier.

I'm going to sit here and smile

while ignoring the giant fire
right behind me.

Just like that meme,
can we put it up side by side?

And this is fine.

It does look like that.

We love.

This is fine, dog.

All right.

We're going to ask you reporters
to leave so we can be alone.

And we're going to talk details.

That's right.
We're going to have

just two bombers here
talking about nukes.

We lost some.

We don't know where they are.

Anyway, have a good day.

Thank you everyone.

You can screen your questions
on the way out.

What's going to happen?

Should I go to Canada?

All right.

Now that we're alone,
let's get to war.

We're going to go over that.

Last year, everyone survived
the NATO briefings.

How does that sound?

Oh, I forgot
how boring president is.

Love running.

Hate being.

And I hate the white house.

So old, so dated. So

many of the carpets are stinky
and sticky at the same time.

Sort of like
being at a regal cinemas now.

Don't live here for the next
four years, possibly longer.

Come on, let's be real, man.

This place is great.

I have so many wonderful
memories here.

Doctor Jill Hobson, foreign
leaders.

My dog
attacking every single one.

I brought my partner

together so much, they teamed up
and kicked me out.

Wait a minute.

Maybe I hate it here too.

Slow down.

I know it's awful,
but I can't go back to mar a

lago, Joe, because elon is there
and he will not leave.

It's like, what about Bob?

He's walking around

in his bathing suit,
showing me videos of rockets and

monkeys
with computers in their heads.

This guy
s cringe af

oh, you're the president now.

You can just say anything
you want to say.

You got to watch how you talk

because you got a lot
of superpower power.

But power puff puff daddy, baby
daddy,

daddy, daddy
riding on a pony call macaroni.

Wow. What the hell was that?

Did you just do the weave?

Oh. Come on, man.

It's my own version of the wave.

I call it the launder.

And go here,
I go there, so I come back.

Guess what? No.

All right,
well, thanks for your advice,

but I already know how to do it.

It's all about surrounding
yourself with the best people.

And I am very fastly picking the
most epic cabinet of all time.

There's some of the most
dynamic, free thinking.

Animal killing, sexually

criminal, medically
crazy people in the country.

Who are you thinking about?

Well,
we've got Ellen and Matt gates.

That's an alien versus predator.

You have,

you got.

We got kristi noem and rfk Jr.

They're killing the dogs.

They're killing the bears.

And Melania will be working

remotely from divorce.

See what you're doing.

These nominations.

You're picking a bunch of wacko
Jacko's and test out compliant.

The senator will be
with your policy.

Yep. That's what I'm doing.

It's all part of
a very smart plan

that I definitely thought
of before you just said that.

Mr. President,

it's not on your agenda, but
Matt gates is here to see Mr.

Trump.

All right, well.

Hello, Mr.

Trump, thank you for having me.

And, yeah,
thank you for seeing me.

And might I say giggity giggity.

Giggity to you as well? Matt.

I don't want to bother you.

I just wanted to thank you
for nominating me

for Attorney General.

I'm going to do a great job.

If anyone tries

to break the law,
I'll tell them what I told.

My eyebrows freeze.

Come on.

Are you serious with these guys?

Guys, give me the pick.

Me too.

But I think he's
going to be derivative.

Of course,
I had to resign from congress

because the confirmation process
comes

at the busiest time of year
for me.

The holidays.
Girls volleyball season.

Anyway, I'll leave you be.

You've got another Jack king
here to see you, rfk Jr.

Bobby.

Hey, I don't mean
to interrupt you.

I just wanted to tell you again.

I'm so honored
to be the head of the health

and human services department.

Americans need someone
to teach them how to be healthy.

Someone like me,
a 70 year old man with movie

star looks
and a worm in his brain.

Bobby, I love you.

I can't

wait to see what you do
with this country

in terms of health and with
regard to the measles outbreak.

I care deeply about a woman's
right to choose

to choose
to give her child polio.

I just wish people would take
my appointment more seriously.

All right, I gotta go.

I got a dead dolphin in my car.

I think I might

stop in half and dump it in
central park.

I'll let you know.

Hey, I'll
let you know how it goes.

Thanks for the job, man.

All right.

Hey, sentence.

No, Ron.

Don, let's get serious.

Or so
I gotta tell you something.

I know your campaign
was all about retribution,

but think of the opportunity
you have to rise above it

and reach across the aisle

and use your enormous force
personality.

Better
the lives of all Americans.

I think

we'll be doing retribution,
but that's very interesting.

You got to remember this.

You got off easy.

I think we both know
if I was in the race,

I would have beat
you like a drum.

Joe. That's one of the craziest

things
I've ever heard anyone say.

And for that reason,
I'd like to offer

you a position in my cabinet.

Okay, dude, you

need to make, take a little time
off from this place.

What do you think
you'll do next, Joe?

Will you retire?

I'll do whatever worn down
old guy does.

Come on to fight Jake Paul.

Live from New York

it's Saturday night

It's Saturday night live.

With...

Host and musical guest Charlie
xcx

ladies and gentlemen,

Charli xcx

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much.

My name is Charlie xcx

but they refuse to recognize me.

You might know me

from my album brat,
but don't worry if you don't.

There is nothing
wrong with being straight.

Okay, so a little about me.

I actually started performing
when I was really young,

and I played at my first rave
when I was 15 years old.

My parents
actually drove me there.

And if you're wondering,

how did I get my parents
to drive me to arrive?

Well, I just told them, guys,
I've got swim practice

at who I am

in a warehouse full of guys.

No, but seriously,
I've come a long way, and today

I consider myself
to be a triple threat.

Which in england means I sing,

I drink, and I smoke.

Speaking of singing,
I want to take a moment to thank

someone who's been there for me
my entire career.

Auto-tune this auto

tune makes everything
sound better.

Even really bad news.

Like this. Watch.

I'm breaking up with you.

I'm gonna look up with your dad.

See what I have to.

Say, brat.

Summer
has been a crazy experience.

So many people have asked me,
what is bra?

And honestly, it's
just like an attitude.

It's a vibe.

For example, the new Martha
Stewart documentary

when Martha gets mad
about an old magazine article

and she says that she's glad

the journalist who wrote
it is dead.

That is brat.

And then last Friday,
when that exact

journalist responded and said,
hey, I'm alive, bitch.

That is extremely bad.

Honestly though, anyone can be.

Really.

Even me

oh Kyle mooney

What is your favorite
kind of club?

Probably Turkey. Okay.

And what's your favorite
kind of drug.

I take clairton.

Over the counter.

Hard. Cool.

And if someone spilled a drink

on you at the club,
what would you say?

No worries.

Carry on. Malade.

Oh, I've never had that before.

So what do you say?

Am I a brat? No.

Oh, good.

Luck.

Keeping it real is very bra.

Bra is all about
being vulnerable.

So truly, this is a dream
come true.

I am so excited to be here.

And I'm not used to being out
this early on a Saturday night,

so you guys, it's worth it
because we've got a great show.

For you tonight.

And we'll be right back.

Okay, and the final answer

in "guess that baby food" is --

gerber pureed beef and ham!

Okay, me actually liking it.

Oh, that was so fun.

Okay, switching gears.

Let's give a round of applause

to the milf of the hour, my

cousin Kelsey!

Aww!

Love you!

You killed rehab!

Welcome back.

Let's not forget about the

papa to be.

Kidding.

Just four weeks till we meet our

little one.

I would now like to invite up

Kelsey's besties, aka kel-squad!

What up?

Instead of a gift, we're going

to do something different for

y'all because we're a little bit

artistic and a little bit

random.

Last month, we took Kelsey on

one last girl's trip, a besties

babymoon.

I think the babymoon is

normally for the couple but

queens gotta be queens.

Let's just say Kelsey was hot

to go on our vacay, so we wrote

a special song about it.

They say everything's bigger in

Texas.

But Kelsey's already effing

huge, so we went to Miami!

Five, six, five, six, seven,

eight!

♪ Kelsey is our bestie got to be

a mama ♪

♪ so we took a trip in my

hyundai sonata ♪

♪ just 'cause you're pregnant

don't mean you're a beganmy ♪

♪ Kelsey couldn't fly so we

drove to Miami ♪

♪ we went to the spa but Kelsey

got to top it all ♪

♪ we say Kelsey get off your

phone ♪

♪ because we know who she's

texting know who she's texting ♪

♪ d-o-m-i-n-g-o ♪

♪ she's sending him her pregnant

news ♪

Wait, what happened?

Oh, my god, babe, just listen

to the whole song before you

make, like, a snap judgment.

Okay, well the song just

started and we're already at

pregnant news.

♪ Dancing at the club Kelsey's

had it ♪

♪ take her to the bathroom and

she just starts shouting ♪

♪ she says eight months ago is a

little bit hazy ♪

♪ I'm 90% sure it's not

domingo's baby ♪

Wait, what?

There's a chance it isn't even

my kid?

Hey, babe, are you listening?

I said 90% not his baby.

Trust the math.

♪ Now we can finally see why

Kelsey brought us to Miami ♪

♪ she has the address of his

childhood home ♪

♪ she needs to tell family they

completely embrace her ♪

Is the point of this song

that you saw domingo in Miami?

No, the point is it is hot to

go.

♪ D-o-m-i-n-g-o ♪

♪ Kelsey's learning espanol ♪

♪ d-o-m-i-n-g-o ♪

♪ get on your duolingo ♪

I knew I heard you speaking

Spanish the bathroom.

♪ We don't know where Kelsey's

been ♪

♪ look her up on find my

friends ♪

♪ she's standing in the ocean

like she don't give a damn ♪

♪ then she pulls out the

sonogram ♪

♪ she says we came to Miami

'cause she found out the

paternity ♪

♪ the doctor says it is twins

and one is Matthew's and one is

domingo's ♪

That is biologically

impossible.

Okay, miracles happen every

day.

I'm going to ask you a

question, and I want you to be

honest with me.

When was the last time you saw

domingo?

It is today!

♪ Hey my brother aren't you

happy ♪

♪ hearing from domingo we both

are daddies ♪

♪ domingo gonna be in your life

forever ♪

♪ we'll raise our babies in

Miami together ♪

Wait, we're moving to Miami?

Yeah.

If you want to coparent.

Can we have a water birth?

I have a hot tub!

Five, six, seven, eight!

♪ D-o-m-i-n-g-o ♪

Audiences cannot wait
to see the star studded cast.

It was a month before
production.

Screen actors across Hollywood
auditioned to step foot in arms.

Here are their never before seen
screen tests.

Okay, jojo siwa
reading for glinda popular.

You're going to be popular.

I may be a gateway, but.

I'm still a bad girl.

Okay,
testing for elphaba. Adele.

Oh, hello.

Can I take my shoes off?

Okay. Adele.

Okay. Wicked.

Oh, my god,

I said the name of the
bloody movie shop king sunny.

Next we have Shannon sharpe.

What's up?
He is agreeing with you.

The good one, the good.
We know what the bad is.

What? Awful.

You going to tell me
you made it? Monkeys fly.

Come alone. Elphaba.

Fran lebowitz for madame marvel.

This is why people pretend it's
an emerald city.

It's an emerald city,
but it's a yellow brick road.

Everyone saying ding dong.

The witches said,
what are you, a?

Next up, Sydney sweeney.

Hello.

We are
you like, a wizard or whatever?

Oh, Rambo.

Bernie Sanders
for the mayor of munchkinland.

We are sending millions.

And billions to the wizard.

Meanwhile, the.

Munchkins are living paycheck
to paycheck.

Sebastian maniscalco.

So, doctor dilemma.

I take my first little step
in decision diversity.

You heard it. It's.

They gotta go for a teacher.

I gotta get out of here.

Take it somewhere else.

Why would you do that,
Martha Stewart?

Some people are born wicked,
while others have wickedness

thrust upon them.

You know,
someone thrust upon me once.

Wonderful Irish mum.

Reading for glinda and elphaba.

We have Charlie and Troy
survive.

Can I call you Alfie? No.

I earned buddy, too, because i'm
a bitch and you're a witch.

I'm confused.

I'm not a wheat charmer.

All next is.

Al Pacino for his munchkins.

And this. Right.

So maybe I could say something
like.

Say hello to my little friend.

You know, I died once,

and there was nothing.

Next stop,
Leslie mann for glinda. You.

Why are you green?

I would love to be green, but,

I'm like a mom.

Janet Jackson
reading for elphaba.

And what movie is this for?

It's for wicked.

Oh, I don't want to be
in this. No.

Margy Madison for menorah.

I. Hey, maybe
you want to go to a private room

and meet the wizard,
but you don't have any cash.

I'll just go to an atm in oz.

Bad bunny is screen
testing for Sierra.

There you go. That's great.

Any chance we could get it
again in English? No.

Oh. Oh.

We now return.

To the Thanksgiving
baking championship.

Okay, bakers, time is up.

Today's
theme was Thanksgiving bounty.

And you had two hours to create
cakes worth giving thanks for.

And as an extra challenge,
you had to include

a mechanical element
to bring your cake to life.

First up is home baker Leah.

Hi, judges.

I love Thanksgiving
and I hope you love my cake.

Oh. You're adorable.

Tell us what you've made.

Well, my cake honors

the man who organized
the first Thanksgiving.

The governor of Plymouth, Mr.
William Bradford.

He may be a puritan,
but this cake is pure delicious

with tempered
chocolate marshmallow beard.

And instead of flour,
I use sweetened cornmeal.

Or should I say maize meal?

Wow, you did all that
in two hours?

Yes, sir, somehow I did.

All right,
well, let's see it. Okay.

I messed up.

Leo, sweetie.

What happened?

I think, time got away from me.

And also,
I think I might be stupid,

you know?

I get that, yeah,
it is the popcorn on its head.

Supposed to be the maize.

I don't I don't know,
I don't know what maize is.

Okay.

And what about your mechanical
element?

Oh, right. Yeah.

You guys just let me turn it on.

Oh, no.

Is that what you meant
to happen?

I don't know what I meant.

I have embarrassed myself
and my homeland.

Where are you from?

I'm from here. Goodbye.

Okay, well, that's too bad.

But next up, from across the
pond, let's say hi to Juliana.

Hello.

First of all, pumped to be here.

And secondly, we brits.

We don't have Thanksgiving,
so this might get a bit hairy.

Well, why don't you tell us
what you made?

With pleasure.

Basically made the first thing
I thought of, which is Turkey.

So this handsome boy's feathers

are hazelnut fondant airbrushed
with iridescent icing.

And his wattle is made
from homemade sticky toffee.

Toffee.

Gobble, gobble. Am I right?

Wow, that sounds amazing.

It does sound like that
doesn't have.

Let's see.

Oh, right. Up.

Wow. That's
not what you described at all.

Yeah. It's bad.

I messed up.

Can we see your animated
element?

I'm not sure you want to say.

It. Oh, my.

Can we show this on TV?

I asked, ma'am
just to take my time.

Okay, well, let's
go ahead and taste your cake.

Okay.

Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow.

Is that actual Turkey meat?

It might be.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

I'm dying. My go.

What is your cake doing now?

Oh, that's the stuffing.

I think
his body is rejecting it.

Dear god.

Next up is sandi.

Hello, judges.

I hate to toot my own cake,
but I think what I did

today is a Thanksgiving
feast for the eyes.

Okay.

Next up is Ralph.

That's it. Why?

You just want it. Too bad.

Well,
it's a lot better than her cake,

which is ruining Thanksgiving.

Okay.

Just rest at me.

Sandi, that's on you.

Finally, we go to Ralph.

We've had a lot of fun here
today, and Thanksgiving is fun.

But it's also a time
for connection with family.

A family

that might not always
see eye to eye,

but with a little luck
and Patience.

Might just be able to see
heart to heart.

That's why I made this.

And you use dark chocolate?

Yes, ma'am.

And the Turkey's a nine
inch dildo.

Wow. We have a tough decision
to make.

Yeah. How?

♪ There is something on my mind

for a long time ♪

♪ a special passion of mine I do

it every chance that I find ♪

♪ so next time you walk past and

throw away your trash ♪

♪ I'll pick up the phone and

then do what I do best ♪

♪ now here I go i'ma report you

to the cops ♪

♪ here I go

i'ma report you to the cops ♪

♪ and all my neighbors think i'm

right ♪

♪ I've been itching to do some

snitching ♪

♪ in my kitchen it's my

condition ♪

♪ picking up that phone ♪

♪ and I know you're not supposed

to do this anymore ♪

♪ but does it help to know that

who I snitched on was white ♪

♪ we can all relax and enjoy

this incredible song ♪

♪ about causing the pigs to

[ bleep ] ♪

♪ Having the cake and eating it

too ♪

♪ I baked the cake and ate the

cake ♪

♪ hell, yeah hell, yeah hell,

yeah hell, yeah ♪

♪ now here I go

i'ma report you to the cops ♪

♪ they're all white ♪

♪ here I go

i'ma report you to the cops ♪

♪ gonna sleep like a baby

tonight now make way for my

wife ♪

♪ now hold up wait a minute

'cause I'm gonna call ♪

♪ they're gonna roll up any

minute ♪

♪ I pay my [ Bleep ] taxes ♪

♪ they can only make me feel

giddy ♪

♪ pull up within two centimeters

of my driveway bitch ♪

♪ we have no one like you to

show up the way we do ♪

♪ when I get my binoculars on

the front lawn I saw you

looking ♪

♪ have fun at central booking ♪

♪ now here I go

I'm reporting you to the cops ♪

♪ the cop yeah the cop the

copity cop ♪

♪ the copity cop ♪

♪ then I walk outside like

what's going on ♪

♪ everyone's gonna know it was

me ♪

♪ but they can't say [ Bleep ]

Because I reported it

anonymously ♪

♪ here I go

I'm reporting you to the cops ♪

♪ but you better believe I'll

show up for that court date

yeah ♪

♪ here I go ♪

♪ hell ya ♪

What is up, everybody?

Welcome to banger boys,
the podcast

that goes forward
every single week.

I'm Mark, that's duggan,
and pj is all eyes.

Plus over
here, our producer Kara. Hey.

So, guys, we got a lot to cover
today.

Duggan's got a hilarious story
about getting his sack

punched by an insta baddie back.

And then we'll discuss
how they built the pyramids.

But first,
how about a man trump, oh, dude.

He's awesome.

I can't believe
he was on our podcast.

Like two weeks ago. Dude.

I don't want to jinx it
or anything,

but I feel like trump
could actually win this thing.

Duggan he did win

last Tuesday.

But you want.

To do.

This second.

Yeah.

Before we get to all that
and the sponsors, Kara.

Vengaboys is brought to you
by cargo condom,

the only condoms with pockets,
cargo condoms.

And by then junior
nicotine pouches for kids.

All the nicotine
with that great cherry flavor.

Then junior. Sick.

So yeah.

President Trump's president now
and he like

said that being on banger boys
helped him with young voters.

That is so sick. Yeah.

And we all got to hang with him.

That was wild I know right.

We did the podcast on his plane.
So baller.

Yeah, it was awesome. Dude.

They asked us to meet at the
secret airport, and it's called

titty baby.

It it's called Teterboro.

Right.

But we got on his plane

and we talked to trump for,
like, two hours.

And then when it was over,
he kicked us off the plane

in, like,
grand rapids, Michigan.

And we had to, like,
find our own way back.

It was just.

That greyhound bus smell.

Crazy.

Total road trip. Guys.

We got to talk.

Mike Tyson v Jake Paul.

But first some sponsors.

Banger boys
and sponsored by topgolf.

Find out
which one of your coworkers

is an alcoholic
at guts and by mailchimp.

Do you have a female chimp
and need a male one?

While this guy named Doug
has a male chance?

Sick.

Wait, dude, is that your phone?

Whoa. Sorry, bro. Yeah,

it says it for more a longer.

Answer it, bro. All right,
all right, all right.

Hello. Oh. Hi, sir.

Yeah. Okay. Go.

Oh, what was that about? Oh.

Oh, dude. That was trouble.

He said that he's naming me
the secretary of the commerce

one week, secretary of commerce.

What even is that?

I think it means he's in charge
of, like, all the commercials.

All of them, I think so, yeah.

Yeah, bro, first thing, i'm
going to do an offense.

I'm going to fire
that little geico snake.

Snake digging.

It's a gecko.

It's a snake, bro.

It's a statement he likes bro.

No snakes on
have legs. Remember?

That's what makes them snakes.

So do you disagree?

My brother?

Hey, guys. You know.

I'm not sure that's what
secretary of commerce is about.

Like, I think it's about,
like, international trade war.

Okay. Relax. Relax.

I don't think that's right.

Okay, let's talk about Fridays.

Fine.

So, listen,

Jake Paul is obviously a friend

of the pod, and his beard rules.

But is it weird
that he fought Mike Tyson?

Guess like 58 years old.

What's wrong with that?

My dad's 64 and still
kicks my ass every week.

Digging for real?

Yeah. Like on Wednesday.

I called him worse and,

he picked me up over his head
and just threw me off our deck.

Yeah, I hit my head so hard
I can't even take it anymore.

My dad's hilarious.

So crazy.

The sponsor care? Yeah.

Bangor boys is sponsored
by warm plunges, cold plunges.

They just got a hell of a lot

more comfortable
with warm plunge

pube wacker

be very careful,

hey! Hold up.

That's my phone.

Hello?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay.

You too, sir.

So now it's trump.

I'm the new ambassador to Iran.

Pj, you were going to body
that job, dude.

So cool. Right?

I don't know
if I want to do that.

Do you think I have to, like,
live the earth?

Oh, no.
Maybe you can do it on zoom.

Okay, well, let's
let pj figure this out, then.

Do it.

Tonight
we're going to talk about

how the pyramids
were created, bro.

Aliens?

No, it's a pulley system.

It's, it's like ropes.

Which means it's going.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's

Charli xcx!

**

♪ I went my own way

and I made it

I'm your favorite reference

baby ♪

♪ call me gabbriette

you're so inspired

ahh ahh ♪

♪ I'm tectonic

moves I make 'em

shock you like

defibrillators ♪

♪ no style I can't relate

I'll always be the one

ahh ♪

♪ drop down yeah

put the camera flash on

so stylish

baby tee is all gone ♪

♪ drop down yeah

lookin' like an icon

work angles ♪

♪ yeah 360

when you're in the mirror

do you like what you see? ♪

♪ When you're in the mirror

you're just looking at ♪

♪ I'm everywhere

I'm so Julia

ah-ah ahh ♪

♪ when you're in the party

b-b-bumpin' that beat

666 with a Princess streak ♪

♪ I'm everywhere

I'm so Julia hey

ah-ah ahh ♪

**

♪ bumpin' that

bumpin' that

bumpin' that ♪

♪ that city

sewer slut's the vibe

internationally recognized ♪

♪ I set the tone

it's my design

and hey hey ♪

♪ legacy is undebated

you gon' jump

if a.G. Made it ♪

♪ if you love it

if you hate it

I don't I don't care

what you think ♪

♪ drop down yeah

put the camera flash on

so stylish

baby tee is all gone ♪

♪ drop down yeah

lookin' like an icon

work angles ♪

♪ yeah 360

when you 're in the mirror

do you like what you see? ♪

♪ When you're in the mirror

you're just looking at ♪

♪ I'm everywhere

I'm so Julia

ah-ah ahh ♪

♪ when you're in the party

b-b-bumpin' that beat

666 with a Princess streak ♪

♪ I'm everywhere

yeah

ah-ah ahh ♪

**

♪ bumpin' that

that's right

bumpin' that

ah-ah ahh ♪

♪ bumpin' that

bumpin' that

bumpin' that

ah-ah ahh ♪

It's weekend update.

Joe and Michael che.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to weekend update. I'm
Michael che.

I'm Colin jost.

This week, Donald Trump
continued to announce

everyone he's
going to fire in six months.

Trump nominated kristi
noem to lead the department

of homeland security.

Lee zeldin to head the epa

and Elise stefanik
as ambassador to the UN.

And then someone yelled, now
do a silly one!

On Wednesday, trump
nominated Matt gates

for Attorney General, and gates
said the same thing he does

when he sees a teenage girl.

I'll do it.

Gates, who was created

when Frankenstein raped Dracula.

Was chosen for Attorney General
after trump remembered

that his original pick
was found dead in a jail cell.

Elon Musk is reportedly

spending nearly every day
with Donald Trump at mar-a-lago.

But don't worry,

elon will leave
as soon as he finishes

listing all the dinosaurs
in alphabetical order.

Elon Musk's new department
of government efficiency

posted a job listing
saying that they are looking for

people willing to work 80
plus hours a week for no money.

But you can't be surprised
that the white African guy's

first idea is slavery.

And congratulations
to Robert f Kennedy Jr,

who became the first brain
worm survivor nominated

to a cabinet level position.

Kennedy, whose skin is always
cooked to a perfect medium rare,

believe the department of health
and human services.

And I know he doesn't
have a lot of experience,

but I say we give him a shot.

Donald Trump has.

Selected Pete hegseth
to be his secretary of defense.

Hexum is co-host of fox
and friends weekend,

which is broadcast
exclusively on cpap machines.

Friends
president biden and Donald Trump

seen here burning the last of
their classified documents,

met at the white
house for almost two hours.

But keep in mind,
90 minutes of that.

Was that just them struggling
to stand up?

Rudy giuliani,

who owes $150 million to Georgia
election workers,

has turned over his 1980
Mercedes benz,

his watch collection
and diamond ring.

So now he owes $150 million.

It was.

It was reported that
some critics of Donald Trump

are preparing

go bags in case they have to
suddenly flee the country.

And I think that's stupid,
but carlino

just steaming.

Thinks that

it is a molten necesario.

The winner of a contest
to create a new national

anthem is a song called
let them fly,

which is a rousing,

inspirational song
about an immigrant catapult.

Oh, New Jersey governor Phil
Murphy has declared

a drought warning

and has urged residents
to reduce water consumption,

which isn't a big deal

since New Jersey residents
only bathe in cvs Cologne.

That's my understanding.

Last night,
Jake Paul and Mike Tyson

teamed up to defeat everyone
watching.

This week, Joe exotic, a.K.A.

The tiger king,
penned a letter to Donald Trump

asking once again to be pardoned
and released from prison.

Here to comment is Joe exotic.

Hi. I'm back.

Oh, it's so.

Nice to be out of my cage.

It's nice to see you
after so long.

How's jail?

Oh, i'm
not supposed to be there. Okay.

All I did was care for my cats,
make love to my two straight

husbands, and try to kill
Carole baskin multiple times.

But I was frightened by Peter.

You know, I've gotten to know
very well these past few years.

I guess you could say
I'm a pedophile

and you can print that.

No, I don't think you want us
to print that man.

All I ever wanted to do
was live in peace and Harmony

with the animals.

Now, now.

Eight and down.

Eight and down. Tiger.
Yeah. Shoot it!

I said I don't have a gun.

Yeah, don't make a gun to work.

Is this america
or your flat out there?

Oh, Joe, did you seriously
bring a tiger looking.

He followed me.

Everybody knows that Joe
exotic attracts big cats

and poor guys who want to be gay
for the first time.

I'm curious, but I'm not poor.

What was? Forget that

I got hurt with that,
I don't know.

Anyway, didn't get a ladder.

This has come down
in your letter this week.

You also asked to be
a member of trump's cabinet.

That's right.

I have the perfect experience
to be the director of fish

and wildlife.

If you've ever been
in a lot of situation.

Know that it's
when you're stuck on a boat

with the attacker
and your Indian boyfriend.

That's interesting.

You're appealing
to trump for your part.

And didn't you run for president
from jail as a democrat?

I did,
but like my mullet, my politics

are country over party.

And now.

I hate this damn shoot it tie
you shoot it.

With your pants so high. Up.

So your life seems
really dangerous, man. Why?

Because I live with a bunch
of tigers that are on Xanax.

And because
I take a bunch of Xanax.

So the tigers are insane.

And my reaction time
is incredibly slow.

Yeah, that's exactly why.

Well, I wish you.

I wish you the best of luck
on your on your pardon.

And is there anything else
you'd like to say?

There is.

Look, I'm not a perfect person.

Right now there's more.

I made a lot of mistakes.

But, hey, this is america.

And what is america?

But an illegal zoo run
by a missed out, poorly kill.

And this is not related to
anything.

But how hot are the gas
that I poll?

I won't get up.

It's crazy.

And that's
what america is all about.

Joe exotic, everybody.

I don't know what to do.

Shoot.

A spirit airlines

flight was forced to divert
after it was struck by gunfire

from gangs
while trying to land in Haiti,

a rare setback for people
who fly spirit

to Haiti.

Scientists are concerned

that over the course
of 180 million years,

the y chromosome has declined
and that men could go extinct.

And 6 million years.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

So, ladies, hang in there.

You'll
get your little president.

Where are you going?

Cheers. Cheers.

A growing number,
a growing number of visitors

to Disney world are complaining
that the water ride Tiana's

bayou adventure
is leaving them too wet,

which is a complaint
usually reserved

for guests on.

The archbishop of canterbury

announced that he is resigning
after he failed to report

sexual abuse cases
at a Christian summer camp, so

from now on they will list it
in the official itinerary.

Mattel has apologized
after mistakenly

printing the web address

of a porn site on the packaging
of its new wicked dolls.

And it was actually
a simple mistake.

You see, the box was supposed
to read wicked movie.Com,

but instead they printed
choke me Jeff goldblum.

Experts are saying
that the best way to get a

good night's sleep is to cut out
caffeine ten hours before bed.

Alcohol three hours
before work, two hours before

and avoid devices
one hour before.

Or you can just
rub one out like an adult.

That's what experts are saying.

Coffee expert.

Got it.

Well, new
York's beloved squirrel, peanut,

who became famous on Instagram
for his cute little outfits,

then was captured by wildlife
officials and euthanized.

But he continues to fuel debate

surrounding ownership of wild
animals.

Here with her thoughts on
the matter.

Is peanuts widow?

Hi, Tom. Hi.

Thank you so much
for being here, Mrs. Nut.

Please call me Hazel.

Okay.

Hazel, how are you handling
your husband's death?

Oh, it's

just so hard to be thrust
in the media spotlight, Colin.

I'm used to doing
regular squirrel stuff like,

you know,

chasing my own tail or running
into the middle of a street,

seeing a car, and then.

Hey, Hazel.

Hazel,

come back.

Welcome back.

Tell me a little bit
about peanut.

Actually,
peanut was his human name.

His legal squirrel name was.

A little
cowboy hat on Instagram.

He stuffed his cheeks
on OnlyFans.

Both sets.

Okay.

I mean,
it was the love of my life.

Colin. I keep thinking about
the day we met.

I was minding my own business
by a tree squawking.

Squawking.

It's when a squirrel shakes
their entire body

to attract a mate like this.

Okay.

Yeah.

You look a little nuts.

Yeah,

there are
there aren't any nuts here.

Said the doctor
at your physical.

Yeah.

You're totally.

Come on. I'm in mourning.

Colin.

I need touch.

What exactly happened
to your late husband, Tina?

Well, the.

Cops raided our house,

and then peanut bit one
like a damn hero.

Have you ever bit a cop, Colin?

Why would I bite the hand
that feeds me?

Bingo game.

What is the name?

Duck. Peanut.

And chopped his head off
in a rabies test.

That's
how they really test for rabies.

Colin, can you imagine that
if they chopped off your penis

every time you tested positive
for chlamydia?

I never tested positive
for chlamydia.

Ignorance is bliss.

Slanging that stank.

Am I right, brother?

Kick that tail out of my face.

Fine.

Okay. Oh!

Found a couple acorns.

Okay.

Hazel, I just
I hope you can find some closure

and finally move on
with your life.

Oh. What life?

I'm a widow for Colin.

So that
the only person who wants to hit

it is Jake Paul.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm going nuts.

Nuts? Where?

You're
the one who just said nuts.

I'm so alone. Touch me. Colin.

It's in my mouth.

Oh, come on.

Your hinge
profile says you love bush.

President bush, he nuts.

Widow.

For weekend update
i
m Colin jost

I'm Michael che
goodnight!

Thanks for inviting me
to this acting class, David.

I've never done one specifically

about auditioning
for commercials.

Hey. No problem.

Yeah. Hear this.

Teacher Theodore strop
is actually really good.

Really good try. Very good.

Thanks to him, I almost became
the face of new snacks.

Hello, class.

Sorry I'm late.
I parked in a crazy way.

Welcome to commercial acting.

Well, the number one rule is
you're not selling a product.

You're telling a story.

New students show me something.

Okay, so me and Lacey

have been working on a scene
from a sky rising commercial.

I don't want to go out tonight
because of my plaque psoriasis.

For me, I don't have.

To hide
because I use sky. Rizzi.

Wrong. Oh, get away from me.

Oh, that's a star student.

Get up here
and show them how it's done.

Do the line from your audition.

Mucinex
is the best product around.

Strong emphasis.

Hit product products.

The word.
Mucinex is the best products.

Around. Yes.

Now give me mucinex,
give me product,

give me four seconds
and then give me a round.

Mucinex is the best product.

Five, six,
seven, eight all round. Yes.

And that's
why she almost got the job.

Okay.

How is it? Good
if she didn't even get the job.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can you run through your credits
real quick?

That's right.

You don't have any.

Me, on the other hand,
I have three.

One fear factor eight,
a bunch of worms and still lost

two missed matter.

Accidentally
hooked up with my own mom. But

I'm three.

I guess I only have two.
Thank you. And you're welcome.

She's sorry.

All right, guys,
now let's go deep.

Okay? The key
to acting is accessing trauma.

What is the worst thing
that happened to you?

You owe me.

Well, I've never shared this
with anyone before, but one day

when I was little,

I went fishing with my dad,
and a wave hit us,

and he fell off the boat,
and I never saw him again.

Oh, sorry.

I just got a crazy text.

But the good news is,
I am not the father.

Oh, let's go back
up. I'm going crazy.

Read me some copy from target.

When I need groceries, clothes
or towels, I go to target.

Good. Not great.
Emphasis on clothes, towels.

And two, when I need groceries
or towels, I go to target.

Perfect. Almost like a. Park.

Now, you two get up here
and begin a scene.

Please go go go go go go and go.

Would you grab me a
cup of the finest brew in town?

One blue bottle coffee
coming right up.

Wrong, wrong.

Bad. Cut. Cut away. Away, away.

Thank you.

Never turn away from the camera.

When you're in a scene, you want
the audience to see you.

But keep it natural,
okay? Watch.

Oh, you want a coffee?
I'll go get it.

And then you walk like this.

Grab the coffee.

Come back now.

We're having a coffee together.

That didn't look natural at all.

David,
let me show you something.

This is what it's like
to be in a scene with you. Okay?

Say something.

Okay. Hey.

How have.

Hi. How can I stop
talking to me?

Talk to Alissa.

Just. Oh my god. Okay.

I'm sorry.

What am I supposed to be
learning from this?

Exactly. Alissa, back up here.

Okay, now, listen, I are going
to do a little exercise.

Someone yell at of company

and we will give a perfect
ad read of their slogan.

I don't know, capital one.

Okay.

Here, use my credit card.

What's in your wallet?

Chills.

I gave myself chills.

Give us another one, please.

O'Reilly's auto parts. Perfect.

Alissa. Go ahead. 000,

Riley auto parts.

Okay, now let's do Burger King.

Okay. You start.

I'm hungry. What should I eat?

I want Sushi, I.
Want a burger. Fine.

Have it your way.

Now, Allison, I am going to
improvise an entire commercial.

Okay, now give us a product.
Any product?

Paper towels.

Perfect. Go ahead.

My house is a mess. Use these.

They're the best. No.
They got no.

Are you hungry?

I'm starving.

Okay, let's go to sleep

and sing.

Oh my god, yes, I love you.

Oh, my god,
I love you, my husband.

Oh, wait.

They're married.

Yes we are,
and that's our class for today.

We will be leaving.

Once again, Charli xcx.

**

♪ I don't wanna

share the space

I don't wanna

force a smile ♪

Taps my insecurities

don't know if it's real

or if I'm spiraling ♪

♪ one voice

tells me that they laugh ♪

♪ George says

I'm just paranoid

says he just don't see it

he's so naive ♪

♪ I'm embarrassed to have it

but need the sympathy ♪

♪ 'cause I

couldn't even be her

if I tried ♪

♪ I'm opposite

I'm on the other side

I feel all these feelings

I can't control ♪

♪ oh no don't know

why

all this sympathy

is just a knife ♪

♪ why I can't even

grit my teeth and lie

I feel all these feelings

I can't control ♪

♪ oh no don't know

why I wanna buy a gun

why I wanna shoot myself ♪

♪ volatile

at war with my dialogue

I'd say that there was a god

if they could stop this ♪

♪ wild voice

tearing me apart

I'm so apprehensive now ♪

♪ don't wanna see her

backstage

at my boyfriend's show ♪

♪ fingers crossed

behind my back

I hope they break up quick ♪

♪ 'cause I

couldn't even be her

if I tried ♪

♪ I'm opposite

I'm on the other side

I feel all these feelings

I can't control ♪

♪ oh no don't know

why

all this sympathy

is just a knife ♪

♪ why I can't even

grit my teeth and lie

I feel all these feelings

I can't control ♪

♪ oh no

all this sympathy

is just a knife ♪

♪ all this sympathy

is just a knife

all this sympathy

is just a knife ♪

♪ yeah all this sympathy

is just a knife

oh no oh ♪

♪ why

is all this sympathy

a -- knife? ♪

♪ Yeah all this sympathy

is just a knife

couldn't even be her

if I tried ♪

♪ oh no no ♪

Thanksgiving.

A holiday as old as america
itself.

The pilgrims
and native Americans prove

they're more alike
than different.

As they laughed, drank,
and ate my mom.

It's the end, girl.

Thanksgiving
special coming at you

live from the milk studios
ateliers.

I'm your host, Marc Jacobs, and.

I'm sure y'all part
two is giving.

Thank you.

Tonight
the table is phat with it.

Girls, past and present.

Like supermodel Naomi Campbell.

This Thanksgiving,
I'm grateful for my family.

I brought the substance.

Next, it's posh spice herself.

Victoria back.

Pilgrims and indigenous.

Honestly, one of the most
iconic clubs since me and David.

I bought creamed spinach.

Sweetie,
that's la mer face cream.

You all right?

Actually, put the body,
audience and bodies.

Bodies, bodies.

It's welcome it. Girl after us.

Rachel. Senate.

Pumpkin pie is pie vibes.

I brought my two big gourds.

And these girls were at babies

acting circles
around uncle Jesse.

It's the Olsen twins.

This big ass coat is from
the Rose black Friday sale,

where everything is 20% on.

I brought a cigaret casserole.

And I brought loaded
Mac and cheese.

I don't think
I got what this is going to be.

And we know
what you're thinking.

Who the f is making the Turkey?

Obviously it's Cher.

How's it coming along?

What am I supposed to do

for Cher?

Are you scared, Cher?

I don't know why I did
the things I did.

I don't know why
I put sprite in the gravy.

And now the

girls would like to perform
the story of Thanksgiving.

When the pilgrims

arrived in the new world,
they were starved alone.

They knew nothing.

Okay,
we had zero bond on Tuesday.

Oh, the native Americans
were feasting on Turkey celsius.

And how much? He crowed.

I like that the party got so lit

that they let everyone in,
even the youtubers and.

Zach braff t

wow, what a classic Thanksgiving
tale.

Share.
How is the Turkey coming along?

If I could turn off the stove
and you go, what about. No.

So she has Turkey.
It was on ozempic.

I really don't think it's big.

No, no.

Okay, don't sweat it. Share.

But wait,
where are the Olsen twins?

We fell in.

I can't find Ashley.

Oh, no.

The Olsen twins got lost
in their big ass code again,

and they don't get cell
service in there. No.

Don't despair.

Your host
is here at Thanksgiving.

The basics do a Turkey trot,
but the girls do a Turkey strut.

Turkey,
Turkey gobble of it, and Turkey.

Thanks.

She's so

cool.

Come. Can't on

summer come.

The packers.

But we are
and human giblets and glad

and that no crumbs shut the

Turkey.

That's.

Thank you lord.

He turn that Turkey out.

But the food's
all over the floor now.

Oh and we'll just have to do
as the program's dead

a girl dinner.

And strut it out.

God, that.

Was an incredible show.

The sets, the songs.

The donkey,
I mean, meat, I go on. Yeah.

I can't believe I've never seen
Shrek the musical.

You just did.

I meant before tonight.

We. Guys, where's my Lonnie?

She's been in the bathroom
for, like, 15 minutes.

Yeah, any longer.

And we'll miss our reservation
at domino's.

They take reservations.

If you want a table, they do?

Oh, just like
we're always waiting for Lonnie.

Okay, babe. So we ready. To.

Ride?

Late.

Lonnie,
did you just make it? Oh.

What's. No, no.

Why is your mouth on green girl?

Oh. I was drinking a slushy.

Yeah,
and I mixed all the flavors

together
to make a suicide. Sorry.

And an alive.

But, yeah, the color,
the screen.

And that's why it's all over
my mouth and hands.

You clearly made out with Shrek.

Get it?

Get real.
You guys always do this.

You always accuse me
of hooking up with celebrities.

You do late, Lonnie.

Like the time
we went to despicable me on.

Ice, and you went to the

bathroom for 38 minutes and
came out with a yellow mouth.

You know what?

This is totally inappropriate.

I'm going to go find
the director and tell him.

Yes, him.

Directors can be men, too.

I picture him that his bleeding
ogre with smash mouth thing.

My friends. Excuse me.

Oh. What toppings you
guys going to get on your pizza?

Hello.

Chiming in finally oh sorry.

Three chatty
ladies on harder on a gay guy.

Yeah.
Kind of hard to get a word in.

I'm on Adderall to.

Kind of find anyone

is basically empty.

Janice,
are you the 4 or 5 six line?

Because you look like you don't

had a green train
run on your ass.

What?

I did not.
Hook up with Shrek, okay?

A green sharpie,
which is very rare, by the way,

exploded in my bag.

So where else would I wipe it
but all my erogenous zones.

Perfectly logical explanations.

You guys are acting so crazy
right now.

No, genius.

This is just like the time
we went to

the avatar haunted house.

We had a reservation at 11 P.M.

At Max brenner,
the chocolate bald man

who waited for three hours.

Then you came out
covered in blue paint,

holding a rock
made of unobtainium,

which just turned
out to be crack, by the way.

God, I can't even look at y'all.

Oh. Get it?

You have hands
and face friends on your ass.

I'm fine.

I'll admit it's during
before the show.

I received an otp, but.

An over the pants

below the waist motorboat.

Shrek.

How do you know it wasn't Fiona
post ogre revealed.

God, you guys are so biphobic

are you? Bye.

You know.

Well, well, well,

if it isn't the three onions
I just peeled back.

What?

Shrek, you're going
to have to choose one of us.

So who's it going to be?

Me, gadget,
a 31 year old teaching artist

with a short fuze
and a big heart.

I mean, Ginny's a 31 year old
speech pathologist doing her.

Best to make it in this

fifth character of sex
and the city we call the.

Movies your.

Own. Me, Leilani, a
barely 31 year old chuckle ever

who takes too long
in the bathroom

because I'm not doing
a number one or number two.

I'm doing number three.

Hooking up.

Or me, Suzanne, a 19 year old.

Don't say anything.

Who's a lord farquaad
in the streets

and a puss in the boots?

Me, Pablo.

A guy who just wants

to get to domino's in time
for his reservation.

Well, Shrek,
who's it going to be?

I want Pablo.

I can only.

My thanks to Alec Baldwin,

Dana carvey, thank you!

**