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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,660 --> 00:00:09,432 Cathy... 2 00:00:27,214 --> 00:00:29,440 Ca-thy... 3 00:00:52,536 --> 00:00:54,366 - Cathy. - Oh! 4 00:00:55,176 --> 00:00:56,965 Morning! 5 00:00:57,348 --> 00:01:00,879 Hey, you, Kelly. You OK? 6 00:01:01,136 --> 00:01:03,680 Yeah. It's six o'clock. 7 00:01:03,836 --> 00:01:07,587 I was going to come in at five, but I thought I'd let you sleep. 8 00:01:08,406 --> 00:01:12,063 - Thanks. - We're going on holiday today. 9 00:01:17,415 --> 00:01:19,543 Sorry, love, what time is it? 10 00:01:19,725 --> 00:01:21,032 Six? 11 00:01:22,897 --> 00:01:27,165 Quarter to six? Might be a little bit earlier. 12 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:28,548 Kelly. 13 00:01:28,617 --> 00:01:31,666 It's all right, babe, she's woken up. 14 00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:35,054 We're going Cyprus today, Mum. 15 00:01:35,186 --> 00:01:38,482 It's actually one country, but it's literally split down the middle. 16 00:01:38,551 --> 00:01:41,529 - They had a civil war. - It's a nation divided. 17 00:01:41,686 --> 00:01:44,813 Whose side are you on, Mum, the Greeks' or the Turks'? 18 00:01:45,329 --> 00:01:47,243 Can we talk about this later, love, 19 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,741 when I've had a bit of a chance to wake up? 20 00:01:50,117 --> 00:01:51,429 Yeah. Uh. 21 00:01:58,403 --> 00:02:01,319 I've never watched you get out of bed before. 22 00:02:06,288 --> 00:02:10,218 - Shall I wait downstairs? Cool. - Yeah. 23 00:02:11,452 --> 00:02:14,023 - Bye! - Bye. 24 00:02:14,803 --> 00:02:17,643 When we've gone through a security, babe, should we get some breakfast 25 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,163 - at this seafood bar? - Seafood bar? - Yeah! 26 00:02:27,694 --> 00:02:30,295 - Hello again, Cathy. - Hello. 27 00:02:30,389 --> 00:02:32,373 You really needed that wee, didn't you? 28 00:02:32,442 --> 00:02:33,695 Yeah. 29 00:02:33,764 --> 00:02:35,514 I thought you were never going to finish. 30 00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:39,648 So, yesterday, in Sainsbury's, Marsha was quite literally 31 00:02:39,725 --> 00:02:41,147 sneezing everywhere. 32 00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:44,883 And then Ronald's going "Why would you make the bakery smaller?" 33 00:02:44,951 --> 00:02:48,674 And then Omar being Omar, he was all, "Oh, no, I'm Omar. 34 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:52,436 "Don't listen to anyone apart from Neil Kevin Ricardo. 35 00:02:53,388 --> 00:02:56,420 "Look at me, I'm Joyce. I'm the till supervisor 36 00:02:56,530 --> 00:03:00,086 "and basically I am as slow as a slug. And my husband comes in..." 37 00:03:00,163 --> 00:03:03,069 Sorry. ".. and my husband comes in and does his shopping 38 00:03:03,186 --> 00:03:04,775 "and we act like we don't know each other." 39 00:03:04,843 --> 00:03:06,734 Whereas I like to take my time with the customers 40 00:03:06,802 --> 00:03:08,468 and ask them about their day and sort of question 41 00:03:08,536 --> 00:03:11,100 whether they really need everything they're buying. 42 00:03:12,545 --> 00:03:16,006 Sorry, I've forgotten what I was saying. 43 00:03:16,131 --> 00:03:19,116 Don't worry, love, I wasn't listening. 44 00:03:22,772 --> 00:03:25,764 - So we got the aftersun? - Check. 45 00:03:26,350 --> 00:03:28,217 - Towels for the deckchairs? - Check. 46 00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:30,342 Jackets in case we leave the hotel? 47 00:03:30,474 --> 00:03:32,334 Why would we leave the hotel? 48 00:03:33,618 --> 00:03:35,221 Yeah. 49 00:03:35,358 --> 00:03:38,893 Your mum's bringing over your passport. - Oh! 50 00:03:39,968 --> 00:03:41,545 You've got your Marmite... 51 00:03:42,409 --> 00:03:47,732 I've got my loo rolls, protein powder and... bumbag? 52 00:03:47,918 --> 00:03:49,038 In your cupboard. 53 00:03:49,107 --> 00:03:51,866 - Thanks, Mum! - Aw... 54 00:03:52,054 --> 00:03:53,724 Thanks, Cathy! 55 00:03:55,021 --> 00:03:59,663 - No, just keep still. Let's... - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 56 00:03:59,733 --> 00:04:02,730 - Yeah, it's all right. Can you just...? - Oh, my God, no. I'm so sorry, Cathy. 57 00:04:02,798 --> 00:04:06,071 - I'm so, so sorry. Look at all the... - It's all right. 58 00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:10,093 I'm crying over spilt milk. Yeah. 59 00:04:10,222 --> 00:04:13,171 - Just pass me the tea towel. - It's basically hilarious. 60 00:04:13,526 --> 00:04:16,599 - It is! - I'm crying over spilt milk! 61 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,770 - Can you pass me the...? Yeah! - Can I tell Jason? 62 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:22,637 Jason! Jason! 63 00:04:23,907 --> 00:04:25,380 Oh, Jesus... 64 00:04:26,450 --> 00:04:27,942 Jason! 65 00:04:28,098 --> 00:04:31,395 Just now, downstairs in the kitchen, I... 66 00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:34,216 What? 67 00:04:34,293 --> 00:04:38,018 I knocked the bottle of milk over and it went everywhere 68 00:04:38,213 --> 00:04:40,377 and I said... 69 00:04:40,689 --> 00:04:44,080 ♪ I've got my ticket for the long way 'round ♪ 70 00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:47,496 ♪ Two bottle whiskey for the way ♪ 71 00:04:47,573 --> 00:04:51,173 ♪ And I sure would like some sweet company 72 00:04:51,354 --> 00:04:54,823 ♪ Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say? 73 00:04:55,018 --> 00:04:57,173 - ♪ When I'm gone ♪ - ♪ When I'm gone ♪ 74 00:04:57,250 --> 00:04:59,393 - ♪ When I'm gone ♪ - ♪ When I'm gone ♪ 75 00:04:59,486 --> 00:05:02,412 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone ♪ 76 00:05:02,575 --> 00:05:04,615 ♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair ♪ 77 00:05:04,684 --> 00:05:06,807 ♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere ♪ 78 00:05:07,010 --> 00:05:10,713 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone ♪ 79 00:05:11,613 --> 00:05:15,336 ♪ I've got my ticket for the long way 'round ♪ 80 00:05:15,413 --> 00:05:18,256 ♪ The one with the prettiest view ♪ 81 00:05:18,333 --> 00:05:20,417 ♪ It's got mountains, it's got rivers ♪ 82 00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:22,453 ♪ It's got woods that'll give you shivers ♪ 83 00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:26,016 ♪ But it sure would be prettier with you ♪ 84 00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:28,656 - ♪ When I'm gone ♪ - ♪ When I'm gone ♪ 85 00:05:28,733 --> 00:05:31,133 - ♪ When I'm gone ♪ - ♪ When I'm gone ♪ 86 00:05:31,210 --> 00:05:34,629 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. ♪ 87 00:05:34,945 --> 00:05:39,051 *MUM* Season 02 Episode 04 Title: "July" 88 00:05:42,673 --> 00:05:44,635 Kelly forgot her passport. 89 00:05:45,248 --> 00:05:47,838 So her mum's bringing it round, so that'll be a lovely start 90 00:05:47,907 --> 00:05:50,447 to the day, and Derek's coming around with the suitcase 91 00:05:50,532 --> 00:05:52,518 because they don't like mine and Jason forgot 92 00:05:52,587 --> 00:05:54,861 his was broken till he tried to do it up... 93 00:05:54,977 --> 00:05:57,643 And he woke me up at quarter past five! 94 00:05:58,643 --> 00:05:59,814 You OK? 95 00:06:00,025 --> 00:06:02,275 Yeah, yeah, just got stuck behind the bin men. 96 00:06:02,344 --> 00:06:06,599 Oh, oh, there's always a crisp packet. 97 00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:14,714 Do you want a sniff? 98 00:06:14,783 --> 00:06:18,223 - No, I'm OK thanks. - Lyn came round with her grandson. 99 00:06:18,308 --> 00:06:21,954 There's about 100 nappies in there. Takes me back. 100 00:06:22,353 --> 00:06:24,706 - Thanks for doing this. - No. No. I... 101 00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:28,252 I'll be honest with you, Michael, I can't wait for them to be gone. 102 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:32,159 It's my last day of school... Quarter past five, she came in! 103 00:06:32,228 --> 00:06:34,283 She literally sat on the bed. 104 00:06:34,393 --> 00:06:36,924 I've had a nightmare where that happened. 105 00:06:37,738 --> 00:06:39,758 At least I hope it was a nightmare. 106 00:06:43,271 --> 00:06:46,572 Can you believe I've started saying literally? 107 00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:52,111 Hi, Michael, we've just literally sorting out our liquids. 108 00:06:52,293 --> 00:06:55,896 What they do, Cathy, because basically these days we're 109 00:06:55,973 --> 00:06:58,550 all terrorists whether we want to be or not, they don't let you 110 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:02,323 take more than 100ml of any liquid on a plane. 111 00:07:02,392 --> 00:07:03,418 Yeah, I know. 112 00:07:03,487 --> 00:07:05,151 - Not even water. - Yeah. 113 00:07:05,220 --> 00:07:06,860 Imagine that, though, babe. 114 00:07:07,090 --> 00:07:12,034 Imagine if a terrorist got on a plane with over 100ml of water. 115 00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:16,213 It doesn't bear thinking about. 116 00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:20,315 All the times I've been on a plane I have... 117 00:07:20,799 --> 00:07:24,002 I'm trying to say the sentence now without saying literally. 118 00:07:24,316 --> 00:07:27,539 I have never fancied eating seafood 119 00:07:27,608 --> 00:07:29,608 just because I'm at an airport. 120 00:07:29,830 --> 00:07:35,242 Once you start saying literally, it's literally impossible to stop. 121 00:07:35,930 --> 00:07:39,836 - You OK? Yeah.Oh. - Yeah. 122 00:07:39,995 --> 00:07:43,998 We ran out, so the next day I bought one. Then Kelly got one in 123 00:07:44,106 --> 00:07:47,219 Sainsbury's and Jason got one on his way home from work. 124 00:07:47,370 --> 00:07:49,594 And none of them are Heinz. 125 00:07:50,533 --> 00:07:53,446 We'll have to go back to the garden centre and get another one. 126 00:07:56,113 --> 00:08:00,821 Are you OK? You seem a bit sad. 127 00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,369 Did you have a bad night? 128 00:08:02,610 --> 00:08:04,172 My mum died. 129 00:08:07,004 --> 00:08:09,167 Oh, God. 130 00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:11,805 Oh, God I'm so sorry. What happened? 131 00:08:12,170 --> 00:08:14,816 Nothing, really. Um. 132 00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:19,313 Hospital phoned during the night and... she just went. 133 00:08:20,733 --> 00:08:22,883 She didn't... she didn't know so... 134 00:08:23,714 --> 00:08:25,571 .. it's probably for the best. 135 00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:29,024 - What are you doing here? - Mum! 136 00:08:29,835 --> 00:08:31,381 - Don't say anything. - Cathy, 137 00:08:31,453 --> 00:08:34,275 - just got a text from a hotel. - Got some really bad news! 138 00:08:34,344 --> 00:08:37,616 Oh, no, Cathy, our holiday's been cancelled. 139 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,188 Oh, OK. 140 00:08:43,421 --> 00:08:47,430 - We're winding you up! - Classic! 141 00:08:47,524 --> 00:08:50,774 We've got a really cruel sense of humour, babe. 142 00:08:50,843 --> 00:08:52,500 Everyone's like, "Kelly!" 143 00:08:52,569 --> 00:08:54,781 And I'm like, "What?!" and they're like, "You know!" 144 00:08:54,850 --> 00:08:57,203 And I'm like, "Whatever!" 145 00:09:00,853 --> 00:09:02,992 - Just wait in the car. - I'm not waiting in the car. 146 00:09:03,061 --> 00:09:04,924 - I'm fucking starving. - I'll only be couple of minutes. 147 00:09:04,992 --> 00:09:06,703 She'd better have granola. 148 00:09:06,824 --> 00:09:09,787 - How could anyone not have granola? - Indeed. 149 00:09:10,478 --> 00:09:12,821 It's actually quite light when it's empty. 150 00:09:13,455 --> 00:09:15,336 Well, it would be, wouldn't it? 151 00:09:16,516 --> 00:09:18,953 Yeah. I suppose it would be. 152 00:09:20,020 --> 00:09:23,531 Oh, hello. Thanks for bringing in this. 153 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,399 It's OK, Cath, my little cherub. 154 00:09:25,468 --> 00:09:28,194 Sorry, it's so early. 155 00:09:28,386 --> 00:09:30,866 - Good time at the theatre? - Yeah, it was good thanks, yeah. 156 00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:34,000 We got ice cream. They're only little but you can have two. 157 00:09:34,069 --> 00:09:36,229 Oh, it's a different class of person at the theatre. 158 00:09:36,359 --> 00:09:38,149 Everyone's old and they sort of look clever. 159 00:09:38,218 --> 00:09:39,868 - It's a very distinguished crowd. - Right. 160 00:09:39,936 --> 00:09:42,110 I wore my glasses, didn't I, help me fit in. 161 00:09:42,585 --> 00:09:44,024 Yes. 162 00:09:44,256 --> 00:09:46,259 What do you listen to in the car? 163 00:09:46,406 --> 00:09:48,438 What's the name of that Scottish instrument? - 164 00:09:48,507 --> 00:09:50,602 - Bagpipes. - Can you play 'em? 165 00:09:50,738 --> 00:09:53,024 Shall we make some room in the boot? 166 00:09:53,098 --> 00:09:56,922 Good morning, Michael, my little cherub. You look rough. 167 00:09:57,213 --> 00:09:59,447 - We went to the theatre last night. - Did you? 168 00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:01,703 We saw a very long play about the climate change. 169 00:10:01,772 --> 00:10:03,335 Sounds great, mate. 170 00:10:10,986 --> 00:10:14,266 You see, I never would have done that if I hadn't seen a play about climate change. 171 00:10:14,502 --> 00:10:15,945 Very good, Derek. 172 00:10:16,610 --> 00:10:18,530 Just doing my bit to save the universe. 173 00:10:18,606 --> 00:10:21,132 - They can get a cab. - No, no, it's 40 quid. 174 00:10:21,201 --> 00:10:23,532 - Let me just explain to them... - Babe! Have you got the hats? 175 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,304 Yeah, I think I'm might wear mine on the plane. 176 00:10:28,265 --> 00:10:31,851 It's very nice, love. 177 00:10:32,744 --> 00:10:34,747 Are you allowed to wear a hat on the plane? 178 00:10:34,816 --> 00:10:36,078 Let me just explain to them... 179 00:10:36,147 --> 00:10:39,219 No, listen, I wanted to say to you first... 180 00:10:40,936 --> 00:10:43,508 You know when things like this happen? 181 00:10:43,728 --> 00:10:48,014 And... you can see things differently. 182 00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:52,613 And life is too short. I mean, it's not... It's not about that, 183 00:10:52,690 --> 00:10:59,229 but it's... when you know you've been waiting decades to say something. 184 00:10:59,305 --> 00:11:01,142 - What's wrong with my voice? - Don't get into this now. 185 00:11:01,210 --> 00:11:03,736 - What's wrong with my voice? - It's the same as your face. 186 00:11:03,813 --> 00:11:05,973 It's never going to change, no point talking about it. 187 00:11:06,048 --> 00:11:08,100 - What's wrong with my face?! - Sorry. 188 00:11:09,345 --> 00:11:13,376 Yeah, yeah, it changes your perspective, doesn't it, when you lose someone. 189 00:11:13,445 --> 00:11:14,705 Yeah. 190 00:11:15,322 --> 00:11:17,775 - It gives you a kind of courage. - Yeah. 191 00:11:20,703 --> 00:11:22,462 What do you want to say to me? 192 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,892 Mum! Nan and Grandad are here! 193 00:11:27,098 --> 00:11:28,946 It's all right. Go on. They can wait. 194 00:11:30,755 --> 00:11:31,875 Mum!! 195 00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:38,873 - A whole quiche... - I was hungry. 196 00:11:38,942 --> 00:11:42,724 - Morning! - Think about it, Cathy. Picture it. 197 00:11:42,871 --> 00:11:45,317 An entire quiche for her dinner. 198 00:11:45,707 --> 00:11:47,437 I was going to have the other half this morning. 199 00:11:47,505 --> 00:11:48,552 You all right, Nan? 200 00:11:48,621 --> 00:11:50,599 - He's being a dick. - Oh, well. 201 00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:52,914 How's she ever going to get her figure back 202 00:11:52,983 --> 00:11:54,186 if she's eating an entire quiche? 203 00:11:54,254 --> 00:11:56,514 You had one as well, you thick bastard. 204 00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:58,247 Yes, but I've got the body for it. 205 00:11:58,316 --> 00:12:00,286 I don't know what you're saying but I'm sure 206 00:12:00,355 --> 00:12:02,334 - it's fucking stupid. - The weight spreads around me like butter, 207 00:12:02,402 --> 00:12:03,935 - Cathy. Honestly. - Yeah? 208 00:12:04,004 --> 00:12:07,047 I could eat 100 quiches a day and you wouldn't notice. 209 00:12:07,116 --> 00:12:11,401 A million quiches a week. I'm built beautifully. 210 00:12:11,621 --> 00:12:15,344 It's wonderful to look at. But her? 211 00:12:16,688 --> 00:12:19,128 You should've seen her when we first met. 212 00:12:20,011 --> 00:12:22,034 - I took her to Butlin's - Uh. 213 00:12:22,167 --> 00:12:24,636 And I kissed every bone in her body. 214 00:12:24,705 --> 00:12:28,151 - Well. Let me help you. - Get off. 215 00:12:28,326 --> 00:12:29,873 What you have to remember, Derek, 216 00:12:29,942 --> 00:12:32,920 is that when you go to see a play, it's meant to be boring. 217 00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:35,354 All right, Reg? 218 00:12:36,893 --> 00:12:38,254 Who knows? 219 00:12:39,309 --> 00:12:41,693 You don't admit the play was boring, obviously. 220 00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:42,880 No. 221 00:12:43,198 --> 00:12:48,881 You use words like clever or relevant or thought-provoking. 222 00:12:49,137 --> 00:12:52,652 - Interesting. - Yes. Well done. 223 00:12:54,177 --> 00:12:57,152 Because the more bored you are, the better the play. 224 00:12:59,745 --> 00:13:05,184 So, well, last night... 225 00:13:07,066 --> 00:13:09,230 .. that was obviously a very good play, then. 226 00:13:09,565 --> 00:13:11,340 Yes, it was excellent. 227 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,709 Jason, love, shall me 228 00:13:14,778 --> 00:13:17,435 - and Michael put the bags...? - What do we do about Doctors? 229 00:13:17,686 --> 00:13:18,888 Sorry? 230 00:13:18,974 --> 00:13:21,396 What do we do if they arrive with the washing machine 231 00:13:21,465 --> 00:13:22,948 and Doctors is on? 232 00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:29,084 Um... Well, maybe you could just let them in and then carry on watching? 233 00:13:29,253 --> 00:13:32,773 You want me to leave the room in the middle of Doctors? 234 00:13:34,707 --> 00:13:36,184 She's out of her mind. - 235 00:13:36,253 --> 00:13:38,155 Jason, love, shall me and Michael... - Kelly! 236 00:13:38,224 --> 00:13:40,177 You'll have to take some of this stuff out, babe. 237 00:13:40,246 --> 00:13:43,599 But it's got my magazines in it, babe. And my lucky rocks. 238 00:13:44,092 --> 00:13:46,045 Taking rocks on a plane... 239 00:13:46,567 --> 00:13:48,927 We'll just pay a little bit extra at the airport. 240 00:13:49,223 --> 00:13:51,396 Taking rocks on a plane, though... 241 00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:56,972 - Shall we put them in the car? - Yeah. Thanks, Mum. Thanks, Michael. 242 00:13:57,084 --> 00:13:58,347 Here. 243 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:04,167 - Have a drink on me. No, wait a minute. - Oh, Grandad, you don't have to... 244 00:14:06,331 --> 00:14:08,171 Didn't know I had that. 245 00:14:09,878 --> 00:14:11,441 I've got this assembly this morning 246 00:14:11,510 --> 00:14:15,112 and I've got to do it because it's Noah and he's got Asperger's. 247 00:14:15,241 --> 00:14:18,581 And he's mad about lions, so why don't I come round later? 248 00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:21,933 Cathy. Do you know the last thing I spoke to my mum about? 249 00:14:22,126 --> 00:14:24,932 Knock-knock! Morning! 250 00:14:25,219 --> 00:14:27,010 I've got my new fella in the car, Cathy, 251 00:14:27,253 --> 00:14:30,089 have a look. He's 24 and he's thick as pig shit. 252 00:14:30,158 --> 00:14:32,441 It's like winning in the lottery. Oh, bloody hell. 253 00:14:32,510 --> 00:14:33,933 I better... 254 00:14:34,182 --> 00:14:37,956 - Have you changed your carpet? - Hi, Mum. 255 00:14:38,068 --> 00:14:42,198 Oh, here's the idiot! Forgot her passport! 256 00:14:42,339 --> 00:14:45,027 What kind of idiot forgets their passport? 257 00:14:45,770 --> 00:14:48,698 - Can I have it? - Yeah, course, love. 258 00:14:55,503 --> 00:14:57,573 No, you can have it, babe, here you go. 259 00:15:03,253 --> 00:15:06,893 - Can I have a look at it, Carol? - Yeah. Course. 260 00:15:13,493 --> 00:15:15,862 Seriously though, Mum, can I have it... 261 00:15:15,931 --> 00:15:19,774 Yeah, no, seriously, Kell, here it is. 262 00:15:26,415 --> 00:15:29,042 His dad still gives him money because he's like 24 263 00:15:29,112 --> 00:15:32,221 or something stupid and he's thick as pig shit. 264 00:15:32,370 --> 00:15:35,051 Honestly. He buys me flowers. 265 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:36,964 What the fuck am I going to do with flowers? 266 00:15:37,033 --> 00:15:40,268 Amazing body? Yes. 267 00:15:40,567 --> 00:15:43,807 Thinks I'm younger than I am? Yes. 268 00:15:45,018 --> 00:15:48,050 And up here, nothing. 269 00:15:48,268 --> 00:15:51,534 Does anything that I tell him. Couldn't believe me luck! 270 00:15:52,624 --> 00:15:54,143 Kell! 271 00:15:58,565 --> 00:16:00,862 That wasn't too difficult, was it? 272 00:16:02,727 --> 00:16:08,737 Yeah... Silly me! Thanks, Mum. 273 00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:14,214 - See, I've still got the fringe? - Yeah... 274 00:16:16,602 --> 00:16:20,682 - See you in ten days. - Oh, come on, Kell. Don't be needy. 275 00:16:23,022 --> 00:16:26,788 Cheer up, Michael. Might never happen. 276 00:16:30,286 --> 00:16:32,007 She's got three bottles of ketchup! 277 00:16:32,568 --> 00:16:36,585 Oh, get a life! How much ketchup does she need? 278 00:16:37,111 --> 00:16:39,781 I look like a serial killer, don't I? 279 00:16:40,554 --> 00:16:45,109 Yeah, but one of the sexy serial killers. 280 00:16:49,641 --> 00:16:51,953 That's such a lovely thing to say. 281 00:16:53,090 --> 00:16:54,148 Come on. 282 00:16:56,297 --> 00:16:58,217 - What's going on? - Nothing, Reg. 283 00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:02,153 - You all right, babe? You OK? - Yeah. 284 00:17:02,339 --> 00:17:04,342 No, I'm good, yeah. 285 00:17:05,622 --> 00:17:07,179 I think when we get our own place, 286 00:17:07,248 --> 00:17:10,164 - she will start to speak to me different. - Yeah. 287 00:17:11,593 --> 00:17:18,640 Your... your mum said my passport photo looks like a sexy serial killer. 288 00:17:19,595 --> 00:17:22,374 - Did she? - Yeah. 289 00:17:22,913 --> 00:17:25,593 - That's nice of her. - Yeah. 290 00:17:26,957 --> 00:17:30,200 So why don't you go home and have a kip? 291 00:17:30,308 --> 00:17:33,367 I've got this end of year assembly this morning with Noah 292 00:17:33,436 --> 00:17:36,718 and I've literally got to be there. But I can come round after that. 293 00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:41,055 You need time to process everything that's happened 294 00:17:41,124 --> 00:17:45,665 and you-you can't even begin to do that if you haven't had any sleep. 295 00:17:45,734 --> 00:17:49,177 So I'm going to order them a cab. OK? 296 00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:54,720 Do you know the last thing I spoke to my mum about? 297 00:17:56,230 --> 00:17:59,884 Oh, no. Sorry you asked me that before, didn't you? Sorry. 298 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:03,213 No, no, what did you speak to her about? 299 00:18:04,892 --> 00:18:06,493 You. 300 00:18:07,947 --> 00:18:11,759 Oh, erm... 301 00:18:12,979 --> 00:18:15,219 Nothing bad, I hope. 302 00:18:19,130 --> 00:18:21,017 What do you mean me? 303 00:18:21,958 --> 00:18:23,946 What do you think I mean, Cathy? 304 00:18:25,123 --> 00:18:29,236 You know what I'm talking about. My mum's was just... 305 00:18:29,321 --> 00:18:30,673 - No, don't do this now. - My mum was 306 00:18:30,741 --> 00:18:31,838 just saying I should tell you 307 00:18:31,906 --> 00:18:33,127 - how I... - Don't do this now, Michael, No, not now. 308 00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:36,290 Right then, my little cherubs. Pauline's just... 309 00:18:37,135 --> 00:18:38,556 Pauline! 310 00:18:38,936 --> 00:18:40,462 I can do that. 311 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,213 - Pauline! - I can do that. 312 00:18:44,063 --> 00:18:47,279 I can't do... Wait! Pauline. 313 00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:51,204 It actually gets very restricted because... 314 00:18:51,526 --> 00:18:53,298 Oh, no, I can do that. 315 00:18:56,533 --> 00:18:57,923 I can't... 316 00:18:59,133 --> 00:19:00,525 Pauline! 317 00:19:01,853 --> 00:19:05,111 Well, the point is it's 100 times worse than your mother's was. 318 00:19:05,407 --> 00:19:07,079 Shall we get you off to work, darling? 319 00:19:07,148 --> 00:19:08,509 Yes! 320 00:19:08,890 --> 00:19:10,501 I was just updating Jason about 321 00:19:10,570 --> 00:19:12,129 - my wrist, Cathy. - Oh, yeah? 322 00:19:12,198 --> 00:19:14,856 - I've had to go private, haven't I. - Yeah. 323 00:19:15,204 --> 00:19:18,275 - It's so much better than the NHS. - You get mints in the waiting room. 324 00:19:18,418 --> 00:19:19,884 - Feel the finish. - I'm OK... 325 00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:22,196 Feel the finish, Cathy. Don't be difficult. 326 00:19:22,265 --> 00:19:23,871 Yes, lovely. 327 00:19:24,620 --> 00:19:27,126 Can you imagine me in an NHS hospital? 328 00:19:27,196 --> 00:19:28,274 God no! 329 00:19:28,370 --> 00:19:30,533 I'd have to burn my clothes. 330 00:19:31,307 --> 00:19:34,735 - Do you want a hand with that? - No, no, you OK, mate, you head off. 331 00:19:34,850 --> 00:19:36,094 Come on, don't be silly. 332 00:19:36,163 --> 00:19:38,163 No, no, I am fine. You head off. 333 00:19:39,673 --> 00:19:43,876 Come on! Let me help, what's the matter, let me help you. 334 00:19:43,945 --> 00:19:46,063 You don't like me any more? 335 00:19:46,516 --> 00:19:47,727 No. OK, OK. 336 00:19:57,195 --> 00:19:59,678 Michael, don't do this. 337 00:20:00,107 --> 00:20:01,867 You know she's got rocks in here? 338 00:20:03,146 --> 00:20:04,149 Yeah. 339 00:20:06,362 --> 00:20:08,977 Apparently, they are lucky or something. 340 00:20:25,543 --> 00:20:27,508 Why would I want to be thin? 341 00:20:27,823 --> 00:20:30,805 Because it would be nice for me to look at. 342 00:20:31,629 --> 00:20:32,985 Don't laugh at me. 343 00:20:33,210 --> 00:20:35,321 You're a male chauvinist. 344 00:20:35,390 --> 00:20:37,470 That's your answer to everything. 345 00:20:41,333 --> 00:20:43,766 Look at Cheryl Cole. 346 00:20:44,506 --> 00:20:46,492 Look how thin she is. 347 00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:48,827 How hard can it be? 348 00:20:49,046 --> 00:20:51,140 I'm 86! 349 00:20:52,762 --> 00:20:56,985 And here comes the avalanche of excuses. 350 00:20:58,353 --> 00:21:02,602 I'd like to see you getting Cheryl Cole to peel your pears. 351 00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:05,115 Oh, she wouldn't have the patience. 352 00:21:06,763 --> 00:21:08,803 But I tell you who would have the patience. 353 00:21:08,997 --> 00:21:12,560 I tell you who'd peel a pear meticulously. 354 00:21:13,518 --> 00:21:16,761 - Lorraine Kelly. - Oh, please! 355 00:21:16,830 --> 00:21:19,297 She could have any man she wanted. 356 00:21:19,876 --> 00:21:24,852 She's always so happy. She doesn't let anything get her down. 357 00:21:25,224 --> 00:21:28,860 Yeah, well, that would soon change if she lived with you. 358 00:21:29,282 --> 00:21:35,399 I tell you. Walking round Debenhams with Lorraine Kelly on my arm. 359 00:21:35,531 --> 00:21:38,711 Yeah, that would be something. 360 00:21:48,227 --> 00:21:50,390 Yeah, no. It's going well. 361 00:21:50,545 --> 00:21:53,164 She was really nice to me the other day. - Oh, good. 362 00:21:53,376 --> 00:21:56,619 I'm trying to sort of construct for myself a better personality, 363 00:21:56,853 --> 00:21:59,258 so it's like the going to the theatre or like the other day, 364 00:21:59,487 --> 00:22:02,373 I was whistling in my car or like I don't know if you've noticed 365 00:22:02,442 --> 00:22:04,762 but I'm calling people my little cherub. - Oh, yeah. 366 00:22:04,940 --> 00:22:06,623 Standing like this. 367 00:22:08,059 --> 00:22:10,062 Anything to keep off the demons. 368 00:22:10,233 --> 00:22:11,976 Sometimes I get a bit worried that maybe 369 00:22:12,045 --> 00:22:14,321 I'm not as intelligent or handsome as I think. 370 00:22:14,390 --> 00:22:16,250 - But it's just the demons. - Yeah. 371 00:22:16,410 --> 00:22:18,920 I've still got Pauline so I can't be that bad! 372 00:22:19,149 --> 00:22:20,469 I'd better go. 373 00:22:21,406 --> 00:22:23,297 It can be a build-up of little things, can't it, 374 00:22:23,367 --> 00:22:26,450 then suddenly one day out of nowhere they walk out on you. 375 00:22:27,850 --> 00:22:29,930 I'm coming, my little darling! Sorry! 376 00:22:34,107 --> 00:22:36,203 I was just telling Michael about the icebergs 377 00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:39,266 and the penguins and all the bloody CO2. 378 00:23:02,493 --> 00:23:04,297 Did you know what I meant? 379 00:23:04,862 --> 00:23:07,262 - Don't do this now. - But did you? 380 00:23:15,978 --> 00:23:19,438 - So you think you might... - You don't want to do this today. 381 00:23:21,091 --> 00:23:25,672 You held my hand, Cathy, on New Year's Eve. 382 00:23:27,853 --> 00:23:30,844 You held my hand, you stroked it with your thumb. 383 00:23:32,312 --> 00:23:36,290 And we've been to garden centres. I know that's not... 384 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:37,844 They're just garden centres. 385 00:23:37,913 --> 00:23:40,400 I know it sounds mad when I say it out loud because I know they're 386 00:23:40,468 --> 00:23:43,305 just garden centres but we've been to three of these garden centres 387 00:23:43,375 --> 00:23:45,477 and you still haven't bought any chairs. 388 00:23:48,074 --> 00:23:51,274 So what are we going to do? I mean, do you want chairs? 389 00:23:51,454 --> 00:23:52,696 Or do you do not want chairs? 390 00:23:52,765 --> 00:23:56,680 Are we just going to spend our lives just going to garden centres 391 00:23:56,978 --> 00:24:01,524 and not buying any chairs and bouncing round the place like everything's OK? 392 00:24:01,765 --> 00:24:03,422 Because the problem with the world, Cath, 393 00:24:03,586 --> 00:24:05,829 the problem with the world is everything's not OK. 394 00:24:06,193 --> 00:24:09,391 And no-one does things 395 00:24:09,460 --> 00:24:15,420 and no-one... no-one dares to tell the truth because it's scary and 396 00:24:15,495 --> 00:24:18,061 it's hard and it's messy... 397 00:24:18,383 --> 00:24:22,853 .. and no-one... nobody wants to do difficult things. 398 00:24:23,973 --> 00:24:25,883 But the world is difficult 399 00:24:26,039 --> 00:24:31,219 and some things are unfair and last night my mum died and... 400 00:24:32,259 --> 00:24:36,211 .. she wasn't that kind of woman... You know, I could never... 401 00:24:38,553 --> 00:24:40,383 - You don't want to do this now. - I do. 402 00:24:40,452 --> 00:24:41,899 You don't, Michael. 403 00:24:42,276 --> 00:24:44,258 Can I... can I tell you something, Cath? 404 00:24:44,327 --> 00:24:45,610 No. 405 00:24:46,002 --> 00:24:49,383 I really, really, really want to tell you something. 406 00:24:49,469 --> 00:24:51,813 You don't, Michael. Not like this. 407 00:24:54,579 --> 00:24:56,829 But you know what I'm going to say, don't you? 408 00:24:57,328 --> 00:24:58,641 Cathy. 409 00:25:02,699 --> 00:25:04,829 And you can feel it too, can't you? 410 00:25:12,795 --> 00:25:17,408 Then we... Then we should to talk about it... 411 00:25:17,477 --> 00:25:20,227 - But what if... - What? 412 00:25:20,973 --> 00:25:25,213 What? No, say it, say it. Say it if you are feeling something, you should... 413 00:25:25,290 --> 00:25:27,413 What if I just miss Dave? 414 00:25:40,023 --> 00:25:41,543 Ah, Jesus. 415 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:49,852 Ah, I am so sorry. 416 00:25:52,971 --> 00:25:54,851 I'm so, so sorry. 417 00:25:56,295 --> 00:25:57,818 I... 418 00:25:57,973 --> 00:26:01,951 Michael. No, Michael, don't... Michael. God. 419 00:26:03,027 --> 00:26:05,740 Michael, don't go like this. 420 00:26:06,549 --> 00:26:08,365 Oi! Taxi! 421 00:26:11,447 --> 00:26:13,132 - Bye, Mum. - Bye! 422 00:26:13,201 --> 00:26:15,178 - Bye, Cathy! - We'll FaceTime, yeah? 423 00:26:15,247 --> 00:26:16,827 - Yeah. Yeah. - Come here! - 424 00:26:16,921 --> 00:26:19,436 Kelly's going to set us all up on a WhatsApp group. 425 00:26:19,504 --> 00:26:20,563 Great. 426 00:26:20,632 --> 00:26:22,711 Then we can send you pictures of what we're eating 427 00:26:22,780 --> 00:26:24,617 and you can send us pictures of what you're eating. 428 00:26:24,685 --> 00:26:26,178 - Passport? - I've got it. 429 00:26:26,509 --> 00:26:27,960 - Bye, Mum! - Bye. 430 00:26:28,029 --> 00:26:29,678 - Bye, Cathy. - Bye. 431 00:26:29,853 --> 00:26:32,973 - Do you see how sad she is we're going? - Oh, my God, it's so cute. 432 00:26:33,050 --> 00:26:35,105 - Michael! Hey! - Michael! 433 00:26:35,174 --> 00:26:37,475 We're going to have oysters for breakfast. I bet you're well jealous. 434 00:26:37,543 --> 00:26:39,418 - Michael! - My mum's calling you. 435 00:26:39,621 --> 00:26:42,004 I'm going to sit in the back so we can hold hands. 436 00:26:42,789 --> 00:26:44,792 Michael! 437 00:27:12,048 --> 00:27:15,728 ♪ I've got my ticket for the long way 'round 438 00:27:16,116 --> 00:27:19,082 ♪ Two bottle whiskey for the way ♪ 439 00:27:19,293 --> 00:27:22,896 ♪ And I sure would like some sweet company ♪ 440 00:27:22,973 --> 00:27:26,613 ♪ And I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say? 441 00:27:26,690 --> 00:27:28,298 ♪ When I'm gone 442 00:27:28,367 --> 00:27:30,782 ♪ When I'm gone 443 00:27:30,933 --> 00:27:33,923 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone 444 00:27:34,125 --> 00:27:35,814 ♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair 445 00:27:35,883 --> 00:27:37,563 ♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere 446 00:27:37,632 --> 00:27:39,368 ♪ Oh, you're gonna miss me 447 00:27:39,439 --> 00:27:41,362 ♪ When I'm gone. ♪ 35367

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