All language subtitles for Mum 202 April

It's nowhere near the ground.

Oh, sorry, I should've
brought that back ages ago.

No, it's all right.

We only need it because we've
got a cleaner coming tomorrow.

Cleaner?

- Yeah, cleaner.
- Indeed.

It's this little Bulgarian chick.

She's going to wash and
iron Pauline's clothes

- and her pillowcase...
- And brush my hair.

If she wants the money, she'll do it.

She's going to do all that and
clean the flat for 60 quid.

Blimey. I'd do it for half that!

I think she was joking.

- Were you?
- Yes.

Yeah.

- Well, if you ever need the cash, Cathy.
- Thanks.

- You wouldn't have to declare it.
- Bye, Derek. - Bye, Uncle Derek!

Well, have a happy Easter.

Yes.

Unlikely, but thank you.

- We're having lunch with Derek's friends.
- Our friends.

So, that's a whole afternoon of
bad wine and vacuous chitchat...

and food cooked by the sorts of animals
Derek's friends are married to.

The sorts of animals our
friends are married to.

Yes. Well,

- have a lovely Easter, Cathy.
- Thank you.

- You doing anything nice?
- No, not much.

Jason and Kelly are going
to Kelly's auntie's,

and my friend Lyn's going to pop round,
she always does at Easter.

Oh, and yeah, we're having the
carpet done, aren't we, on Tuesday

so Michael's going to come round
and help me clear the front room.

Sorry, I didn't listen.

Well, have fun, whatever you're doing.

What colour's the carpet?

It's speckled.

It's sort of beige.

Of course it is.

- Bye then.
- Bye, Cath. - Bye.

- I'll ask her.
- Thanks, babe.

Why don't you come to my auntie's?

Oh, your auntie doesn't want me there.

I've got loads of family
who are sort of...

I don't know what the proper
word is, but they're like...

I don't mean to be rude or
anything, but they're like...

- your age?
- Yeah?

Yeah, so you could talk to them
about whatever it is you people

talk about, like ABBA, or the news,

or the first time you got a colour TV.

That sounds really very tempting,
Kelly, but there's

a front room to clear, isn't there,
and Michael's coming over, so...

Mum, seriously,
are you honestly telling me

that you want to spend Easter Sunday
alone in the house with Michael?

You're so funny, babe.

I'm not as funny as you are beautiful.

Babe!

Your eyes are infinitesimal.

- Oh, babe.
- Can I just...?

- Yeah, sorry.
- Sorry.

Bye, Cath!

Right then.

Just stay in the car, I'll sort it out.

I'm not sitting in the car.

Happy Easter!

- Happy Easter!
- Happy Easter!

- I love Easter.
- It's so random.

I can't believe it's finally here.

So go on, what Easter egg did you get?

Well, Cathy got me one with
my name on, didn't you?

- Yeah.
- Thornton's.

- Shut up!
- Yeah. Ryan spent like a tenner on it.

Congratulations on your course.

Oh, thanks, yeah.

- He's going to be a male nurse.
- Yeah.

You can just say nurse.

That's very exciting, love.

My mum was ill quite a lot and so
I used to sort of look after her

instead of school, and then
I sort of just held her hand

while she died, so it feels
like the next step, really.

Him, though, a male nurse!

You can just say nurse.

Yeah, good, Michael, yeah.

The car's broken down, but then,
on the other hand, it's Easter.

I love Easter. You know all
the chocolate, all the eggs,

all the rabbits.

What is it with the rabbits?
And what is it with all the chocolate?!

I should do a bit of the old
stand-up comedy, shouldn't I?

So, Easter, what's
with all the rabbits?!

That'd be good that, wouldn't it?
I'd be like Bob Monkhouse.

I love Bob Monkhouse.
It's a shame he's dead.

But we all go eventually, don't we?

You all right, mate?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I just had one of these.

Oh, right.

- OK.
- Yeah.

Who gives a fuck about
shitty old carpets?

- Yeah.
- I'm like, shit man!

- Are you?
- Yeah. - Yeah.

So she's going to clear
out the front room today.

- On Easter Sunday?
- Yeah.

Is she demented?

She doesn't know it yet, me and Jason
are going to do it for her tomorrow.

So she can have today on her own she
doesn't have to be alone with Michael.

- That's nice of you.
- Yeah.

I'm never going to live as long
as Cathy, the way I'm going.

That's a good point, babe.
You better slow down.

I can't.

- Is it all right if I have a slash?
- Yeah, 'course.

Is it clean?

- Hello.
- Hey.

You all right?

Yeah. Should've worn
another layer, but...

I was in the car, so...

I don't know why I'm going on about it.

So, you are all set for today?

Yeah! I got up early,
started to clear out the cupboards.

Oh, hold it, stop it right there.

Why?

I think I need a moment to digest
just how exciting your life is.

Oh, it's tragic.

I've become the kind of person you pity.

- Oh, I've always pitied you.
- Thanks.

So I've got it all sorted with my mum.

It's no problem.

I'm going to pop over there tonight,
whenever we're finished,

- so there's no rush.
- And I got us...

Graceland.

Oh! No, that's good, because I got us...

Oh, I didn't know they still sold it!

Yeah, actually,
these days it's very trendy.

Of course it is.

Oh, hi, Michael. I'm going
to see a flat on Tuesday.

- Oh, nice. Where?
- Hoppett Road.

You coming?

- Yeah.
- So it's like far enough away from here

so it'll feel like we've moved out,
but also like close enough to here

so we can still come
round for our dinner.

Great.

It's really nice.

When you look out the window,
you can see a garden.

- Oh, lovely.
- You telling him about the flat? - Yeah.

We're going to get a waffle-maker.

- Of course.
- And a drying rack.

And we're going to spend
a whole Saturday in Ikea.

I'm sure that'll be a
really pleasant experience.

Yeah.

- They're going to send someone around.
- Oh, good.

Did you tell them who my husband is?

It's the AA. They're not going
to care who your husband is.

When we were together, my husband
and I just had to click our fingers

- and a tow truck would arrive.
- I bet that was annoying.

Seriously, that would really wind me up.

- Babe?
- I'm in the glass bit!

Lyn's left her mum's. She just texted.

- Oh, OK.
- Who's Lyn?

Oh, she's a very dear old friend of me

and Dave and Michael and all that lot.

She went out with Michael
for a couple of years.

But she used to have a bit of
a thing for me, didn't she?

- Oh, yes, she did! Yeah.
- Yeah.

- How funny.
- Mum!

She always pops round with an Easter
egg for Jason and we send them

back for her lot.
We've been doing it for years.

- Sweet.
- Yeah.

So we're just telling Michael
about the new plans for today.

- Oh, OK.
- Yeah.

It's weird, really.

It was quite funny at the time.

Bit of an older woman kind of thing.

She was quite the catch.

My mates couldn't believe it when
it was me that got off with her.

You all right?

Of course. Why wouldn't I be?

- It was nothing serious.
- I'm fine, Derek, so please just

shut your stupid fat face.

- I had to meet your husband.
- Yes, I know.

I remember the tears.

All right, listen, guys,
we've worked it out.

You can have a nice day
on your own, Michael.

You can get round to your mum's.
Me and Jason will clear out

- the front room tomorrow.
- OK.

Ryan'll help. It's Bank Holiday, innit?

What's that?

What you doing tomorrow?
Want to come help us clear out

- the front room?
- I've gotta get my ex an Easter egg.

Which one are you going to get him?

Malteasers? I don't know.

Wispa, babe. Get him a Wispa one.

There's too many.

Fancy coming round and
helping us tomorrow

and letting Mum have today to herself?

Honestly, love, don't worry.
Michael's here now, isn't he, so...

I've gotta get this egg for Kevin.
He's really demanding.

Don't worry, love. Michael's here,
so we'll just go ahead as planned.

But Michael said he was
going to fucking do it.

- Babe, they can hear you.
- It's fucking...

Yeah, don't worry.
I don't mind doing it, so...

Mum, put your feet up,
have a bit of me-time.

- OK.
- And you get off, mate, go on, see your mum.

We'll be all right.

Easter's meant to be family time, innit?

You shouldn't have to spend it with us.

Thanks.

Babe, they can hear you!

- At least we saved her from Michael.
- Yeah.

She needs to put herself first.

You're such a lovely person,
do you know that?

- No, you have the bigger bit.
- No, you have it.

No, you have it.

Yeah, he's right.

It's a family day, I shouldn't be here.

No, it's probably for the best.

You'll be a lot quicker
without me to slow you down.

Oh, well, that's true.

I just want my mum to be happy,
because I love her.

Oh, babe, that's so lovely.

But not as lovely as your smile
in the light of a thousand stars.

Oh, babe.

You're my gorgeous little twinkle-nose.

Oh, babe!

And it'd be good for you to
get some time to yourself.

Yeah, I don't have enough of that.

My sister's down anyway.

Oh, is she?

Yeah, yeah so I should
head off to my mum's,

and I don't want to upset Jason. He's...

She's here.

- Oh, that'll be Lyn.
- My mum's best friend...

Oh, right, good. OK. Excellent.

Then I'll head off in a minute.

Right.

Mum, I think that's Lynn!

Is that her?

Yeah.

Oh, well, but she was a lot
better back in the day.

Blimey.

She's had her ups and
downs and she's had kids

and she struggled a bit in her forties,

but no, she was really something.

Seriously, my mates were
spitting feathers when I got

to have a go on her.

There was this kind of crackle of
sexual electricity around her.

You finished?

Yeah.

Sorry.

- Do you know my Uncle Derek?
- 'Course I do.

- All right, Dell?
- Yeah, good, yeah.

Ryan, we're going upstairs.

On the up, on the up.
Been better, been worse.

- This is my partner, Pauline.
- Oh, hello.

Nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.

How funny!

Because I've never, ever heard of you.

Well, come on then. Tell me
everything. How did you two meet?

- Well, it's funny, we actually met in the...
- Derek.

- I wasn't going to tell her the real story.
- Right.

Hi, Lyn, happy Easter.

Happy Easter.

I've got Keith's in the
car so I won't stop.

Cleaning on Easter Sunday?

I'm going to shock you,
Lyn - I'm getting a new carpet.

- Oh, blimey! How many years has that been then?
- I know!

- You OK?
- Stop showing off.

How am I showing off?

Derek!

- How's the twins?
- Yeah, good thanks.

Kimberley's just had a baby.

Oh, congratulations.

Fantastic. She's a granny.

Yes.

But they're staying
with us at the moment

and the baby doesn't stop screaming.

- Oh, no. Is he crying himself to sleep?
- Yeah, but...

Well, I cried myself to sleep
every night until I was four.

Never did me any harm.

Oh, well that's for you.

Oh, lovely.

- Thanks, Lyn.
- And there's a...

South Africa.

You've been to South
Africa, haven't you?

How many times?

Oh, two, three.

I lose count.

And that's for Jason.

Oh, that's so lovely,
thank you, thanks, Lyn.

- Oh, you're very welcome.
- And these are for your lot.

I've got a little book for the baby.

For George and a card for...

- Thank you.
- Where's that gone?

Here we are.

And a little something
for you and Keith.

Oh, bloody hell. That'll stop
him moaning about his hips!

You know what he'll be after later.

And it won't be another
episode of Lewis!

Oh, did you see Lewis last night?

No. I was helping Kelly with her...

No, I didn't see it either.

Sorry, love?

No, I was just saying we didn't
see this "Lewis" programme either.

- Did we?
- No. No.

We only watch BBC Four.

Documentaries, the Proms,
anything with subtitles.

- What channel was it on?
- ITV3.

ITV3. Yes.

How lucky we all are to
have so many ITV channels.

Well, lovely to meet you, eh...?

- Lyn.
- Lyn. Yes. Of course.

Is that short for anything?

- Linda.
- Such a pretty name.

- Yeah, it's good BBC Four.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, no, it's, erm, informative.

It's quite good to have on
just before you go to sleep.

I'll get a glass of water, if that's OK?

Yeah, do you mind helping yourself?

I'm just going to go and
find that card for George...

I am heading off, mate, so.

Cheer me up, Michael.
Say something nice.

Oh, OK. Erm...

Do you reckon they've saved the
mountain gorilla from extinction?

- Have they?
- Yeah.

- That is nice.
- Yeah.

I actually... I actually meant
say something nice about me.

Oh! Oh, sorry. Of course.

Of course.

This looks very smart.

Really?

Yeah.

Pauline got it off the internet.

Yes, really good fit.

I like that bit.

- Very nice.
- I usually put a pen in there.

Like they do at the end of the news.

Yeah. Definitely.

Yeah. Makes me feel a
bit more sophisticated.

Yeah.

You're a good friend, you know that?

Pauline, babe...

What do you mean he rose from the dead?

- He rose from the dead, babe.
- Yeah. He did.

He was dead and then he
came back to life again.

- Well, that's obviously bollocks.
- Can I have some?

Do you mean he "rose
from the dead" though?

He was dead and then
he came back to life.

Who's this? Jesus?

Oh, yeah.

They killed him on a cross and
then they put him in a tomb

and left him to it, and three
days later he was right as rain.

Bullshit.

George, yeah. It's her first
one so everything's a drama.

Your girls OK?

Yeah. Yeah. Still with
their mum in Spain so...

Do you see much of Abi?

As little as I can.

Do you think she'll get that pond?

No. Doubt it.

What are you doing
here on Easter Sunday?

Found it!

Oh, I'm going to head off, Cath.

Oh, OK, love. Thanks for coming round.

I should get back to Keith.

- I hope that's water!
- Yes, it is - sadly...

- So, what is it you do, Lyn?
- Pauline!

I work in the library.

Oh, interesting.

I once read a book that
was 1,000 pages long.

- Wow. Well done.
- It took me a year.

Lyn reads tonnes of books, don't you?

And you'll never beat her at Scrabble.
She knows all the long words.

It's not hard to beat
Cathy at Scrabble...

I'm not sure about long words.

- No?
- No.

I tend to find them
inconsequentially homogenous.

Shall I...

Thanks.

Well, very nice to meet you at last.

Take care of the big fella.

Oh, you should have seen
him when he was 17!

Funny little thing, he was.

Oh, Lyn.

17! When I was 17,
I was sleeping with my teachers.

Let me know when you
get back from France.

France! I love France.

They've got like four
different types of Kronenburg.

- Was that OK?
- Yes. It was lovely to meet her.

Your teachers?

Yes.

There's no need for it,
obviously, but, erm...

It's actually it's quite nice that
you're a bit sort of jealous.

The only person I'm jealous of is
the person I was before I met you.

The only... Hm.

The only person she's jealous of is...

Hey, that's not very nice.

No, I don't mind doing the front room.

You need to see your mum at Easter.

Yeah.

It's hard to choose between
being there for your family

or being there for your friends.

That was really deep.

What, did you get that
from a book or...?

No, I thought of it myself.

Really?

I just wanted to do what's
best for your mum, you know?

I know. You're a such a good friend.

Yeah. So, if you need me to stay or...?

I mean sometimes,
in situations like these,

you just have to look into your
heart and do what feels right.

You should get these down,
mate. They are gold.

Thanks.

You got any others?

Erm...

If you believe in
something, stick to it.

You may not get there,
but the journey will be incredible.

I don't like that one.

Before I got with you I
didn't know anything.

Oh, I remember, Derek, don't you worry.

You taught me everything.
The capital cities.

Which shaped glass to
use for which drink.

It's not squash it's cordial.

And, also, Weetabix.

Wash the bowl straightaway because
the longer you leave it...

the worse it gets.

You've changed my life, darling.

And I've changed your life...

- haven't I?
- Yes, Derek. You certainly have.

Well, happy Easter, Cathy!

Oh, Happy Easter.

- You look nice in that.
- Oh. OK.

I think you're really pretty.

Oh, thanks.

I find it a bit confusing.

- Have a lovely day on your own.
- I will.

But if you touch my Easter
eggs, I'll kill you.

No, seriously.
Don't touch my Easter eggs.

I won't, love.

No, but, seriously, Cathy.
Don't touch my Easter eggs.

Seriously. Because I'll know.

OK.

No, but just, seriously, don't even
think about touching them. Please.

Because I really don't
want to get mad at you.

I promise you I won't go
anywhere near your Easter eggs.

Cool.

Bye.

Bye, Mum.

Bye, love.

Bye, guys! Enjoy your me-time!

I will.

- You forgot these.
- Oh, yeah!

Oh, please.

Give it ten years, he'll be
knee deep in his secretary.

- Pauline!
- Not all men are like that.

The good-looking ones are.

Well, I've never cheated on anyone.

- I'm just going to, erm...
- Yes.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

- Nice to see Lyn.
- Yeah.

It's funny really bec...

One minute.

- What was funny?
- No, no, I was just thinking.

Lyn, a grandma.

Of all people.

Yeah.

Kelly was going to get me a pair.

Oh, right.

Did Lyn have much to say?

No. Keith was in the car so...

And Pauline was being funny.

Why?

Derek and Lyn had a little thing,
didn't they? Ages ago.

After you split up with her.

Oh, they did, they did!

But that was 40 years ago.

Oh, I know. Like he'd still have
feelings for her after 40 years.

- Are you going to head off to your mum then?
- Yeah. Yeah. I should.

Jason and Kelly are going to
clear out the room tomorrow.

Yeah. That's nice of them, isn't it?

Yeah.

They're going to a party
at Kelly's auntie.

Do you remember that Easter
me and Dave had a big party?

I do, it got messy.

I fell asleep there.

Yeah. I was thinking,
though, actually...

it was nice of Jason and
Kelly to think of us.

- Oh, very nice.
- Yeah.

I mean, in fact, you know,

it was so nice, I was thinking it
would be nice if we thought of them.

OK.

And maybe...

saved them the bother of saving us

the bother of clearing
out the front room.

But Jason seems very keen on doing it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And, obviously, you know if
you need to see your sister...

No, no.

- If it's a time for families...
- No. They'd just annoy me.

Well, we should do it, then.
Save them the bother.

It's either that or I sit
on the sofa and decompose.

- Do you mind?
- No. No.

Well, it might be nice, two of us.
No-one to get in the way.

Yeah.

Yes, of course!

Great. Thanks.

Absolutely. Yes. No problem at all.
The more, the merrier.

You sure? There was a
bit of a silence there.

No! Not at all. Was there?

- No! No!
- We've got to wait for the AA.

- And I am not getting on a bus.
- You can't expect Pauline

- to get on a bus.
- If I want to catch a disease,

I'll get on a bus, but until that day...

So, it's OK if we stay?
You didn't have any plans?

- No. No. No plans at all.
- Great!

Well, this is going to be a bit of a busman's
holiday. - I'm not touching anything dusty.

OK, I'll do all the dusty stuff.

Steve at work has actually got a
dust allergy, so anything dusty...