Original subtitles

(Shouting outside)

CATHY: Are they OK?

- Kelly's shouting in the street. - Oh...

At least someone's having a worse New Year's Eve than me.

- Pauline... - What's going on?

Jason and Kelly are having an argument, Maureen.

They were gonna see the New Year in in the pub but they've come home.

- I don't know why he doesn't just thump her. - Reg!

Not hard, just a little whack. Just enough to shut her up.

Reg, stop it. That's awful.

Well...

If it was up to me, I tell you now, Cathy, I'd love to have sex with a black man.

That's got nothing to do with anything anyone's talking about.

I would. I'd relish the opportunity.

No, Maureen, it's Jason and Kelly, they're outside having an argument.

- Yeah, I know. - We're not talking about sex.

- I am. - Kelly's mum's here.

Oh, she's not, is she?

- You all right, darling? - Yes.

Think you might be more comfortable on the sofa?

I'm fine.

Or a nice Jew.

- How much have you drunk? - I'm just saying,

before I die, I'd like to have sex with a black man and a Jew.

- It's Jason and Kelly. - Yeah, I know.

We're not talking about black people or Jewish people or anything like that.

I know. But I've never had sex with one.

- Good. You'd eat him alive. - Oh, shut up.

Like Jews haven't got enough worries without you sleeping with them.

More sherry, Reg?

Just a drop, Cathy. Don't go mad.

Are you kidding me?

Why are you having a go at me?

You're being racist.

(Scoffs) I'm saying I wanna make love to 'em!

Yes, we've heard. Thank you.

(Shouting continues outside)

CAROL: Kell, stop being a drama queen!

Look at the face, Jason!

Jason! She does her stupid ugly face! Look at it!

JASON: Kelly, please!

CAROL: You don't have to be so stupid all your life, Kell.

CAROL: Seriously, babe. JASON: Just tell me what I've said, Kelly.

♪ I got my ticket for the long way round KELLY: Happy New Year, Cathy.

♪ Two bottle a'whisky for the way

♪ And I sure would like some sweet company CATHY: Are you all right?

♪ Oh, I'm leavin' tomorrow

♪ What d'ya say? - All right, Mum?

♪ When I'm gone ♪ When I'm gone

♪ When I'm gone ♪ When I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair

♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone - (Phone rings)

(Carol talking on phone)

♪ I got my ticket for the long way round

♪ The one with the prettiest views

♪ It's got mountains, it's got rivers

♪ It's got woods that'll give you shivers

♪ But it sure would be prettier with you

♪ When I'm gone

♪ When I'm gone ♪ When I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

I can't believe I've upset her.

The one thing you have to remember about women, Jason,

is that they're all despicable.

Oh, come on, Grandad.

Women are the same as men, if not better.

- Yeah, they're little angels. - Yeah.

Hmm. You should see your grandmother in the shower.

That'd burst your bubble.

What?

I love New Year's Eve.

I've been looking forward to it for, well, just under a year.

And now look at me.

- (Message alert) - Do you wanna talk about it, love?

I've just been texting my friend, Mary.

- The one I met from carol singing. - Oh, yeah. And what does she say?

Well, she's nice. And she listens.

Then she just goes on about the New Testament.

- Have you read it? - Not really.

She made me read it.

Poor Jesus. What a way to go.

(Message alert)

Do you know which woman I've always liked?

Fergie. Sarah Ferguson.

Oh, yeah. Bloody 'ell.

- And her kids. - Hmm.

She's really...deep.

She really cares about normal people. It keeps her awake at night.

- She's very down to earth. - Yeah.

- You read her books? - No. Are they good?

They're bloody brilliant.

And it isn't that he was talking to a girl. Well, it's Jason, isn't it?

He wouldn't cheat on anyone. Not even me.

You know you said he didn't get that job in Australia?

- Yeah. - Well, he was telling this girl he did.

- Oh, he was just boasting, love. - No.

He was telling her all about it, saying he's gonna move there in February.

(Doorbell)

Do you need to answer it? Sorry.

No. I'm sure someone will get it.

- (Doorbell) - My hands are all covered in chicken.

- I'll get it. - I wanna hear about this budgie.

No, Reg, he's a helicopter. He just happens to be called Budgie.

(Doorbell)

My God.

- She's clever. - (Doorbell)

Answer it, go on. Don't worry about me. I need to reply to Mary.

No, I'm sure someone will let them in.

(Doorbell rings)

(Giggling outside)

- (Doorbell) - (Chuckles)

- I should probably go down. - (Laughs) Yeah.

Look who I found in the gutter.

(Laughs) Can I make myself a tea, Cathy?

- Yeah. - If I can work out which tin it's in.

- (Both laugh) - Hello, Michael.

Everything OK with your mum?

Yes.

He stuck a pillow in her face, put her out of her misery. (Laughs)

How did she know?

Do you know where the tea's kept?

Pauline, babe, do you know where the tea's kept?

Er...there's a pot somewhere with "tea" written on it.

Yeah, exactly.

(Laughs)

So, how was Christmas?

Yeah, it was quiet. Yeah.

- We had Reg and Maureen for lunch. - I bet that was nice.

Michael.

How was yours?

Yeah, well, it was... nice to have the girls together.

Less nice to see Abi.

- New shoes. - Yeah, yeah.

- Girls got me them. - Ah.

And now you feel guilty if you don't wear them.

Why do you think I'm wearing this cardigan?

(Both chuckle)

Oh, and Maureen... you'll like this...

(Chuckles)

..she wants to have sex with a black man.

Where did that come from?

Nowhere.

Had nothing to do with anything that anyone was saying about anything.

- She just came out with it. - Any black man in particular?

Nope. (Chuckles)

- Lovely. - Oh, erm...

PAULINE: Cathy...

Cathy, can I get the code for your WiFi?

I was just about to make some tea for Maureen...

Well, there's actually some pretty influential people trying to contact me

so it's more important than a cup of tea for that racist bitch.

Right.

CAROL: You can use my phone if yours isn't working.

PAULINE: It's nothing to do with my phone...

Me and Geoff's New Year's Eve parties were legendary.

In 2004, at Emma Marston's Easter Brunch, they were still going on about my blinis.

Well, I'm sure it won't be the same without you.

No, it won't. I know it won't.

I mean, they'll all be there. Peter and Sarah Beckwith, obviously.

They'll leave as soon as they've eaten.

The Morgans and their daughter with the MBE.

Oh, wow. What did she get that for?

Oh, please. If it was a CBE I'd be impressed, Cathy, but an MBE?

Come on, it's not even an OBE.

Sorry, I'm just trying to think where I put that little card with the WiFi code on it.

- Don't be sorry, Cathy. - Thanks.

Just be quicker.

One year at midnight we all ended up in the pool.

- No! - Oh, yeah. They threw me in.

You'll have to speak louder. I can't hear you.

- She's not speaking to you, Reg. - All right, sorry. As you were.

I used to have a swimming pool.

A swimming pool? What did you do in it?

- Swim. - Where?

- To the end. - Then what?

Back again.

What a fucking waste of time.

When my divorce settlement comes through,

I'll be able to afford 34 swimming pools.

I'm sure they're all texting you, wondering where you are.

Oh, yes, I know, and saying what a boring party it is without me. I know.

I'm not bothered, anyway.

I've heard it's prosecco this year rather than champagne.

Oh, God! (Laughs)

- Oh, how the mighty have fallen. - (Both chuckle)

- Small J. - How small?

Er...the smallest one you've got.

Go on.

- Seven. - Seven?

- Yeah. - The number or the word, Cathy?

The number.

And a capital P.

Thank you.

They sometimes take a while to come through, don't they?

- Have you tried refreshing... - I don't need your help.

Oh, wow, Michael.

Yeah, it's some bits and pieces for the family, to say Happy Christmas.

- Lovely. Thanks. I've always wanted diabetes. - (Both chuckle)

No, thanks. It's really kind of you.

- Erm... CAROL: Michael?

Michael? Come 'ere.

Before I come out there and I grab your lovely little bum.

- Right, I'd better... - Yeah.

Sorry.

CAROL: Hey, Michael, do you know where the tea's kept?

REG: Cathy. Cathy!

Can I take this for the cats?

- Is Kelly all right? - Quick, it's dripping!

- Not really. I think you should talk to her. - (Exhales) Yeah, probably.

- Cathy! - Er...people might want some, Reg.

- It's the nice one. It was expensive. - Good. He'll like that.

- Take all of it. I'll have some in the morning. - I am.

Has she got any roll mops?

Has she got any roll mops?

- Yeah, it's right next to my bed. - OK.

Yeah. It's basically next to my pillow.

Oh, very nice.

So, in the mornings, I don't have to get up or anything.

I just wake up, reach in my little fridge and get myself a can of Coke.

Very nice.

I keep beers in it, too, for bedtime.

- Nice shoes. - Thanks.

Geoff and I didn't have a fridge in our bedroom.

We had a little woman with a limp.

We got her over on a coach from Gdansk.

And we just used to ring a bell and she'd get us things.

There you are. Has anyone been in touch?

No, not yet, but...it's fine. I've decided I'm not bothered by it all, so...

I'm sure they'll text in the morning and tell me how bad it was without me.

And in the meantime I'm just gonna relax and...have a nice evening.

(Message alert)

Sorry, I was wondering where you were.

Yes. No, that's fine. Yes.

(Doorbell)

Yeah, come in, love, come in.

It's freezing out there.

She's just upstairs.

- This is my boyfriend, Ryan. - Ryan.

And spelt with a Y, not an I.

Yeah.

- A lot of people think it's short for Brian. - Do they?

- Yeah. - But it's not short for anything, is it, babe?

No. It's just a normal name, like Mark or Jonathan.

- Hmm. - Interesting.

- All right, babe? - Kelly, Debbie's here!

- And Ryan. - And Ryan!

Aw! Oh, my God. What am I like?

- Here she is, the drama queen. - (All laugh)

Yeah.

(Conversation continues in hall)

- Has Carol made a cocktail? - Yeah.

- Want to try some? - Oh, don't. I can smell it from here.

(Both chuckle)

You know she's got Dave's fridge in her bedroom?

Yeah.

I think that's a good idea, don't you?

Yeah, I thought that. Yeah.

Put some milk in it, buy a kettle, and never have to get out of bed.

(Chuckles)

- Where would you wee? - The kettle.

- (Laughs) - Yeah.

Just flick on the switch, make yourself a cup of tea.

Oh, Michael.

Michael. Happy New Year. I'm wearing a waistcoat.

Hmm. Yeah. Very nice, mate.

Feel it, then.

(Laughter from the hall)

- How was yours? - Yeah. Good, actually, thanks.

Pauline likes to spend her Christmas on the beach,

so I took her to Mykonos.

Didn't I?

- Yes. - I did it all like a big surprise.

I packed her bags for her, got priority boarding and took off Christmas Eve.

It was freezing cold and nothing was open.

Well, it's December, isn't it, darling?

It was warmer in the sea but she wouldn't get in.

- You all right, love? - Yeah.

I'm great, yeah.

My mum's just being hilarious again.

Oh, Kell...

Yeah.

- Erm... - What, love?

You just called me Kell.

Ah.

Does that mean you like me or...?

Oh, Kelly, love. Of course I like you.

(Stifles sobs)

Oh, Kelly.

(Sobs)

I'm sorry but...it's just the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Well, this is boring.

I think they've forgotten about us, babe.

Honestly, New Year's Eve and I'm stood in some old woman's hallway.

(She sighs)

I don't think they liked me, you know.

Course they liked you, babe.

I dunno.

Think they might have found me a bit too...unconventional?

Yeah.

You know what? I wouldn't be surprised. Actually, they're all, like, so conventional.

Yeah.

I know you're, like, four times as old as me...

- (Sniffs) - Not quite.

..but even if Jason does go Australia and dumps me and I never leave the house again,

can we still be friends?

Of course we can.

My friend Mary, from carol singing... (Sniffs)..she's 89.

I'm a little bit younger than her, aren't I?

Oh, you're considerably younger, yeah.

Also... (Sniffs) ..you do look younger than she does.

Thanks.

No, you do. Honestly. I'm not just saying that.

OK.

(Sniffs)

(Sighs)

I don't want Jason to go.

- I can't live in Australia. - I know.

I feel as sad as the sisters of Lazarus.

(Sniffs)

Well, he's upset about something.

Well, no, babe, he smiled at me.

No, I can tell these things, babe. I'm an observer. I observe life. It's a gift.

(Door opens)

Oh... Was that Jason?

Yeah.

I think they're going upstairs to have sex together.

- Ryan! - What?

- That's his mum! - Is it?

- Yeah, babe. - You're kidding me?

- I can't believe you just said that. - Oh, my God, you're kidding me?

She's fit.

But then, you can also wear it...

(Chuckles)

Very nice.

Yeah. So it's basically like buying two coats for the price of one.

- Well done, love. - Yeah.

Looks nice, doesn't it?

Oh, it's lovely.

- Kelly chose it. - Aw.

So things didn't go well down the pub, then?

Erm... (Sighs)

..no. Not really.

Yeah.

It's a shame, really, cos Kelly loves New Year's Eve.

- Hmm. - It's like one of her best days of the year.

It's up there with, like, Christmas,

Halloween, April Fools' Day.

- Do you remember Kelly on April Fools' Day? - Yes.

(Both laugh)

She's so funny.

(Sighs)

Did she, er...

..did she tell you what's wrong?

Erm...

Yeah, she did, love, yeah.

So, erm...

..so what's wrong with her, then?

I think you know what's wrong with her, love.

(Exhales)

Why didn't you tell me you got the job?

You've done so well.

Your dad would have been blown away.

- Hm. - (She chuckles)

If you want to go to Australia, if it's really important to you...

..you have to go.

I think the problem is, though, Mum, that...

..I love Kelly.

I've never met anyone like her.

I mean, she's a nutcase but she makes me laugh.

She's hilarious.

And there's not a bad bone in her body.

And the way she's been with me with everything with Dad...

I'm so lucky to have her.

- And she really likes you. - Yeah, I've noticed that.

But like...

she doesn't wanna go Australia.

She sort of pretends she does but... she's such a bad liar.

I can't make her move there, can I?

Mum...

..I can't, though, can I?

That's not for me to say, love.

(Sighs)

You can learn to surf in Cornwall.

- Yeah, I've heard that. - Hm.

And I was thinking maybe one year, me and Kell can save our holidays up

and we could go Australia for a month or something.

- Yeah, be lovely. - Yeah.

(Exhales) I should go and talk to her about it, shouldn't I?

- Yeah, that'll be a nice thing to do. - Hm.

What do you think you're gonna say?

Dunno.

That I'm not going?

I think...sometimes, what you gotta do in life, Mum,

is you gotta think about what's best and what's important in the long term.

And not just always do what you wanna do in, like, the short term.

I sort of don't ever wanna be away from her, do I?

She's like my twin.

Do you know what I mean?

- Yeah, I do. - (Both chuckle)

(Inhales deeply)

(Exhales)

I just need a wee first, or I won't be able to concentrate.

MAUREEN: What's he saying?

- And then he comes in with this little mouse. MAUREEN: Reg...

- Tiny little thing it was. - Sorry, Reg. Pauline's not really in the mood.

All right, all right. Just let me finish.

About this big he was. Still alive. He's got it in his mouth.

MAUREEN: Reg... - He puts it down on the carpet. Still alive.

Tiny little mouse. Could fit on your finger. Sweet little fella.

He comes in with it in his mouth and he drops it on the carpet.

- Can we talk about this later? - It won't take long.

So I take him by his tail- tiny little thing - I take him by his tail,

and he's spinning about.

He was absolutely terrified.

I took him by his tail, looked him in the eye,

and smashed his skull against the wall.

MAUREEN: What's he saying?

Left a mark on the wallpaper.

- She'll never notice. - You killed a mouse?

It was only a little one.

Oh. (Chuckles)

Thought you'd given up.

So did I. (Chuckles)

(Fireworks whistle and pop)

Never really liked New Year's Eve.

No, me neither.

I never understood what it was I was supposed to be celebrating.

Dave used to love it, didn't he?

- Hmm. - But then he was like that.

Yeah.

It's been a funny year.

Mm-hm.

Lost my husband but I gained Kelly so...

..I guess it evens out.

(Both chuckle)

- And your wrist. - Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

(Laughs)

How is it?

Oh, yeah, it's completely fine. Yeah.

That's good.

What about you? (Chuckles)

I think you've got a fan in Carol.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no, I'll not be going there, don't worry about that.

- Why not? - (Chuckles) Not my type.

Oh, so you've got a type, have you?

Yeah.

Well, thank you for the chocolates and the biscuits.

I'll be sure to let my doctor know that I'll be eating them.

I've been trying to give you this.

- Have you? - Hmm.

It's just to say thank you because I don't think I could have got through this year without you.

The year would have been a lot quicker.

No, it's...it's just a thank you, that's all.

Happy Christmas.

Thank you.

Aren't you gonna open it?

Yeah.

(Both chuckle)

It's very nice. Thank you.

Aren't you gonna have a look at the, er...?

Yeah.

- Ahh. - (She laughs)

Do you remember that Chinese meal...?

- I remember. I remember. - (Both chuckle)

- Oh. - Oh... I tried my best.

Well, it tasted better than it looked.

Well, move on.

Yeah, I'm not really sure what that's meant to be.

It's Kelly, wasn't it, on April Fools' Day.

- Oh, yeah. God, she was mad. - Yeah, I know.

Ah.

Ah!

Yeah, well...I got it up eventually.

You did very well for a man who'd never put a telly on a wall.

- I didn't know what to put. - Very arty.

Thank you.

Oh... (Laughs)

(Laughs)

Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Michael.

It's your face. It's funny.

Oh. Well, just wait till we get to November.

OK.

Ohh.

Ah, that was a long night for you, you poor wee thing.

But I had you there with me, didn't I?

Yeah.

Ooooh.

- (Laughs) - Oh, no.

I can't even remember taking that.

No, I expect you were too busy smashing my digital photo frame.

(Chuckles)

- (Front door opens) - Oi! Dickheads!

It's nearly midnight!

(Carol laughs)

I think she means us.

Yep.

(Fireworks whistle and pop)

I've never really thought of myself as a dickhead.

I have.

Have you? That's very nice of you. Thanks, Michael.

I think I'm more of an arsehole, really.

Oh, yeah, I can see that.

- Can you? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've always definitely thought you were a right arsehole.

(Both laugh)

CAROL: Anyone wanna try some of my cocktail?

Hello, everyone.

CAROL: Hello, Cathy.

All right, Michael?

We're not going Australia.

Ah, great, mate.

KELLY: Mum, he's not going to Australia.

MAUREEN: Who's going to Australia?

(Conversation continues)

CAROL: Michael! Michael! It's nearly midnight!

(Chatter)

Can you put the sound on the TV?

- Big Ben. Shush! It's Big Ben. - (Chiming on TV)

GUESTS: Ten...nine...eight...

seven...six...five...

..four...three...two...one!

♪ I got my ticket for the long way round

♪ Two bottle a'whisky for the way

♪ And I sure would like some sweet company

♪ And I'm leavin' tomorrow

♪ What d'ya say?

♪ When I'm gone

♪ When I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair

♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere

♪ Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone