All language subtitles for Mum 106 December

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:03,833 (Shouting outside) 2 00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:05,559 CATHY: Are they OK? 3 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:07,632 - Kelly's shouting in the street. - Oh... 4 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:10,474 At least someone's having a worse New Year's Eve than me. 5 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:13,039 - Pauline... - What's going on? 6 00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:16,192 Jason and Kelly are having an argument, Maureen. 7 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:19,193 They were gonna see the New Year in in the pub but they've come home. 8 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,114 - I don't know why he doesn't just thump her. - Reg! 9 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,716 Not hard, just a little whack. Just enough to shut her up. 10 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,519 Reg, stop it. That's awful. 11 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:29,478 Well... 12 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:34,715 If it was up to me, I tell you now, Cathy, I'd love to have sex with a black man. 13 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,560 That's got nothing to do with anything anyone's talking about. 14 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:42,439 I would. I'd relish the opportunity. 15 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:46,434 No, Maureen, it's Jason and Kelly, they're outside having an argument. 16 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,796 - Yeah, I know. - We're not talking about sex. 17 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:50,599 - I am. - Kelly's mum's here. 18 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,399 Oh, she's not, is she? 19 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,870 - You all right, darling? - Yes. 20 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,236 Think you might be more comfortable on the sofa? 21 00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:58,720 I'm fine. 22 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,031 Or a nice Jew. 23 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:02,998 - How much have you drunk? - I'm just saying, 24 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:06,152 before I die, I'd like to have sex with a black man and a Jew. 25 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:08,880 - It's Jason and Kelly. - Yeah, I know. 26 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:12,795 We're not talking about black people or Jewish people or anything like that. 27 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:16,191 I know. But I've never had sex with one. 28 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,000 - Good. You'd eat him alive. - Oh, shut up. 29 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,118 Like Jews haven't got enough worries without you sleeping with them. 30 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,520 More sherry, Reg? 31 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,478 Just a drop, Cathy. Don't go mad. 32 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:29,713 Are you kidding me? 33 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,879 Why are you having a go at me? 34 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,553 You're being racist. 35 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:38,156 (Scoffs) I'm saying I wanna make love to 'em! 36 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,312 Yes, we've heard. Thank you. 37 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,198 (Shouting continues outside) 38 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:50,236 CAROL: Kell, stop being a drama queen! 39 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,277 Look at the face, Jason! 40 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:56,036 Jason! She does her stupid ugly face! Look at it! 41 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:57,793 JASON: Kelly, please! 42 00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,078 CAROL: You don't have to be so stupid all your life, Kell. 43 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:05,234 CAROL: Seriously, babe. JASON: Just tell me what I've said, Kelly. 44 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,996 ♪ I got my ticket for the long way round KELLY: Happy New Year, Cathy. 45 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,675 ♪ Two bottle a'whisky for the way 46 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:15,877 ♪ And I sure would like some sweet company CATHY: Are you all right? 47 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,633 ♪ Oh, I'm leavin' tomorrow 48 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,518 ♪ What d'ya say? - All right, Mum? 49 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,353 ♪ When I'm gone ♪ When I'm gone 50 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,950 ♪ When I'm gone ♪ When I'm gone 51 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:26,271 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone 52 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,872 ♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair 53 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,316 ♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere 54 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,995 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone - (Phone rings) 55 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,356 (Carol talking on phone) 56 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:39,911 ♪ I got my ticket for the long way round 57 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,879 ♪ The one with the prettiest views 58 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,031 ♪ It's got mountains, it's got rivers 59 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:46,918 ♪ It's got woods that'll give you shivers 60 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,118 ♪ But it sure would be prettier with you 61 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:51,720 ♪ When I'm gone 62 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:55,555 ♪ When I'm gone ♪ When I'm gone 63 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,917 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone 64 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:05,876 I can't believe I've upset her. 65 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,158 The one thing you have to remember about women, Jason, 66 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,277 is that they're all despicable. 67 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:13,317 Oh, come on, Grandad. 68 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,198 Women are the same as men, if not better. 69 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,078 - Yeah, they're little angels. - Yeah. 70 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,756 Hmm. You should see your grandmother in the shower. 71 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,077 That'd burst your bubble. 72 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:27,396 What? 73 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,517 I love New Year's Eve. 74 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,593 I've been looking forward to it for, well, just under a year. 75 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,592 And now look at me. 76 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,356 - (Message alert) - Do you wanna talk about it, love? 77 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,314 I've just been texting my friend, Mary. 78 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:46,280 - The one I met from carol singing. - Oh, yeah. And what does she say? 79 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,717 Well, she's nice. And she listens. 80 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,474 Then she just goes on about the New Testament. 81 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,995 - Have you read it? - Not really. 82 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,231 She made me read it. 83 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,715 Poor Jesus. What a way to go. 84 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,393 (Message alert) 85 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,233 Do you know which woman I've always liked? 86 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,710 Fergie. Sarah Ferguson. 87 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,593 Oh, yeah. Bloody 'ell. 88 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,392 - And her kids. - Hmm. 89 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,199 She's really...deep. 90 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,599 She really cares about normal people. It keeps her awake at night. 91 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,275 - She's very down to earth. - Yeah. 92 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,194 - You read her books? - No. Are they good? 93 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:26,680 They're bloody brilliant. 94 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:30,879 And it isn't that he was talking to a girl. Well, it's Jason, isn't it? 95 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,520 He wouldn't cheat on anyone. Not even me. 96 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,790 You know you said he didn't get that job in Australia? 97 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:41,236 - Yeah. - Well, he was telling this girl he did. 98 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,074 - Oh, he was just boasting, love. - No. 99 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:48,074 He was telling her all about it, saying he's gonna move there in February. 100 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,355 (Doorbell) 101 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,955 Do you need to answer it? Sorry. 102 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:53,474 No. I'm sure someone will get it. 103 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,791 - (Doorbell) - My hands are all covered in chicken. 104 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,872 - I'll get it. - I wanna hear about this budgie. 105 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:01,351 No, Reg, he's a helicopter. He just happens to be called Budgie. 106 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:02,715 (Doorbell) 107 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:04,359 My God. 108 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,352 - She's clever. - (Doorbell) 109 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:10,195 Answer it, go on. Don't worry about me. I need to reply to Mary. 110 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:12,351 No, I'm sure someone will let them in. 111 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,079 (Doorbell rings) 112 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:18,395 (Giggling outside) 113 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:20,358 - (Doorbell) - (Chuckles) 114 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:23,000 - I should probably go down. - (Laughs) Yeah. 115 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,075 Look who I found in the gutter. 116 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,834 (Laughs) Can I make myself a tea, Cathy? 117 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,151 - Yeah. - If I can work out which tin it's in. 118 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,233 - (Both laugh) - Hello, Michael. 119 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,118 Everything OK with your mum? 120 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:39,350 Yes. 121 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:43,070 He stuck a pillow in her face, put her out of her misery. (Laughs) 122 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,230 How did she know? 123 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,678 Do you know where the tea's kept? 124 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:06,152 Pauline, babe, do you know where the tea's kept? 125 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:10,314 Er...there's a pot somewhere with "tea" written on it. 126 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,232 Yeah, exactly. 127 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,277 (Laughs) 128 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,274 So, how was Christmas? 129 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,238 Yeah, it was quiet. Yeah. 130 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:36,994 - We had Reg and Maureen for lunch. - I bet that was nice. 131 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,594 Michael. 132 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:39,830 How was yours? 133 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:43,118 Yeah, well, it was... nice to have the girls together. 134 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:44,600 Less nice to see Abi. 135 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,039 - New shoes. - Yeah, yeah. 136 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,396 - Girls got me them. - Ah. 137 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,437 And now you feel guilty if you don't wear them. 138 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,398 Why do you think I'm wearing this cardigan? 139 00:06:58,480 --> 00:06:59,800 (Both chuckle) 140 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,475 Oh, and Maureen... you'll like this... 141 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:03,630 (Chuckles) 142 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,757 ..she wants to have sex with a black man. 143 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:08,996 Where did that come from? 144 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:10,400 Nowhere. 145 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:14,110 Had nothing to do with anything that anyone was saying about anything. 146 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,715 - She just came out with it. - Any black man in particular? 147 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,439 Nope. (Chuckles) 148 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,792 - Lovely. - Oh, erm... 149 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:23,792 PAULINE: Cathy... 150 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,035 Cathy, can I get the code for your WiFi? 151 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,237 I was just about to make some tea for Maureen... 152 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,438 Well, there's actually some pretty influential people trying to contact me 153 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,718 so it's more important than a cup of tea for that racist bitch. 154 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:39,513 Right. 155 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,516 CAROL: You can use my phone if yours isn't working. 156 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,320 PAULINE: It's nothing to do with my phone... 157 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,315 Me and Geoff's New Year's Eve parties were legendary. 158 00:07:56,360 --> 00:08:00,195 In 2004, at Emma Marston's Easter Brunch, they were still going on about my blinis. 159 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,636 Well, I'm sure it won't be the same without you. 160 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,916 No, it won't. I know it won't. 161 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:09,071 I mean, they'll all be there. Peter and Sarah Beckwith, obviously. 162 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,231 They'll leave as soon as they've eaten. 163 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,471 The Morgans and their daughter with the MBE. 164 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,916 Oh, wow. What did she get that for? 165 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:20,791 Oh, please. If it was a CBE I'd be impressed, Cathy, but an MBE? 166 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,876 Come on, it's not even an OBE. 167 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:27,840 Sorry, I'm just trying to think where I put that little card with the WiFi code on it. 168 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,196 - Don't be sorry, Cathy. - Thanks. 169 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:31,953 Just be quicker. 170 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:36,036 One year at midnight we all ended up in the pool. 171 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:39,192 - No! - Oh, yeah. They threw me in. 172 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,272 You'll have to speak louder. I can't hear you. 173 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:45,195 - She's not speaking to you, Reg. - All right, sorry. As you were. 174 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,760 I used to have a swimming pool. 175 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,514 A swimming pool? What did you do in it? 176 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,797 - Swim. - Where? 177 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,395 - To the end. - Then what? 178 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,230 Back again. 179 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,231 What a fucking waste of time. 180 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,637 When my divorce settlement comes through, 181 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,155 I'll be able to afford 34 swimming pools. 182 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,755 I'm sure they're all texting you, wondering where you are. 183 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:12,197 Oh, yes, I know, and saying what a boring party it is without me. I know. 184 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,237 I'm not bothered, anyway. 185 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:18,114 I've heard it's prosecco this year rather than champagne. 186 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,032 Oh, God! (Laughs) 187 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:22,874 - Oh, how the mighty have fallen. - (Both chuckle) 188 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,391 - Small J. - How small? 189 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:29,075 Er...the smallest one you've got. 190 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,640 Go on. 191 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:32,473 - Seven. - Seven? 192 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,199 - Yeah. - The number or the word, Cathy? 193 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:35,634 The number. 194 00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:37,960 And a capital P. 195 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:39,554 Thank you. 196 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,392 They sometimes take a while to come through, don't they? 197 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,309 - Have you tried refreshing... - I don't need your help. 198 00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,918 Oh, wow, Michael. 199 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:04,279 Yeah, it's some bits and pieces for the family, to say Happy Christmas. 200 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:09,071 - Lovely. Thanks. I've always wanted diabetes. - (Both chuckle) 201 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:10,958 No, thanks. It's really kind of you. 202 00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,757 - Erm... CAROL: Michael? 203 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,479 Michael? Come 'ere. 204 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:20,553 Before I come out there and I grab your lovely little bum. 205 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,791 - Right, I'd better... - Yeah. 206 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,951 Sorry. 207 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,874 CAROL: Hey, Michael, do you know where the tea's kept? 208 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,515 REG: Cathy. Cathy! 209 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:33,159 Can I take this for the cats? 210 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,595 - Is Kelly all right? - Quick, it's dripping! 211 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:41,197 - Not really. I think you should talk to her. - (Exhales) Yeah, probably. 212 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:44,193 - Cathy! - Er...people might want some, Reg. 213 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:47,114 - It's the nice one. It was expensive. - Good. He'll like that. 214 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:50,637 - Take all of it. I'll have some in the morning. - I am. 215 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,677 Has she got any roll mops? 216 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,237 Has she got any roll mops? 217 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,279 - Yeah, it's right next to my bed. - OK. 218 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,750 Yeah. It's basically next to my pillow. 219 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,194 Oh, very nice. 220 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,715 So, in the mornings, I don't have to get up or anything. 221 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:09,272 I just wake up, reach in my little fridge and get myself a can of Coke. 222 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:10,680 Very nice. 223 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,196 I keep beers in it, too, for bedtime. 224 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,679 - Nice shoes. - Thanks. 225 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,320 Geoff and I didn't have a fridge in our bedroom. 226 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,869 We had a little woman with a limp. 227 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,316 We got her over on a coach from Gdansk. 228 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:29,313 And we just used to ring a bell and she'd get us things. 229 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,270 There you are. Has anyone been in touch? 230 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:40,674 No, not yet, but...it's fine. I've decided I'm not bothered by it all, so... 231 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:45,351 I'm sure they'll text in the morning and tell me how bad it was without me. 232 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,877 And in the meantime I'm just gonna relax and...have a nice evening. 233 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,519 (Message alert) 234 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:57,952 Sorry, I was wondering where you were. 235 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,397 Yes. No, that's fine. Yes. 236 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:02,914 (Doorbell) 237 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,639 Yeah, come in, love, come in. 238 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,552 It's freezing out there. 239 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,279 She's just upstairs. 240 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,955 - This is my boyfriend, Ryan. - Ryan. 241 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,633 And spelt with a Y, not an I. 242 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:14,875 Yeah. 243 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,520 - A lot of people think it's short for Brian. - Do they? 244 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,434 - Yeah. - But it's not short for anything, is it, babe? 245 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,479 No. It's just a normal name, like Mark or Jonathan. 246 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,358 - Hmm. - Interesting. 247 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,000 - All right, babe? - Kelly, Debbie's here! 248 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,960 - And Ryan. - And Ryan! 249 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:36,398 Aw! Oh, my God. What am I like? 250 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:39,678 - Here she is, the drama queen. - (All laugh) 251 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,911 Yeah. 252 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,231 (Conversation continues in hall) 253 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,193 - Has Carol made a cocktail? - Yeah. 254 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:53,079 - Want to try some? - Oh, don't. I can smell it from here. 255 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:54,594 (Both chuckle) 256 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,990 You know she's got Dave's fridge in her bedroom? 257 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,480 Yeah. 258 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,233 I think that's a good idea, don't you? 259 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,073 Yeah, I thought that. Yeah. 260 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,836 Put some milk in it, buy a kettle, and never have to get out of bed. 261 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,434 (Chuckles) 262 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:10,671 - Where would you wee? - The kettle. 263 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,400 - (Laughs) - Yeah. 264 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,836 Just flick on the switch, make yourself a cup of tea. 265 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,639 Oh, Michael. 266 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:21,316 Michael. Happy New Year. I'm wearing a waistcoat. 267 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:24,757 Hmm. Yeah. Very nice, mate. 268 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:26,710 Feel it, then. 269 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:29,794 (Laughter from the hall) 270 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:38,275 - How was yours? - Yeah. Good, actually, thanks. 271 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,670 Pauline likes to spend her Christmas on the beach, 272 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,717 so I took her to Mykonos. 273 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,200 Didn't I? 274 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,431 - Yes. - I did it all like a big surprise. 275 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:49,991 I packed her bags for her, got priority boarding and took off Christmas Eve. 276 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,390 It was freezing cold and nothing was open. 277 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,278 Well, it's December, isn't it, darling? 278 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,556 It was warmer in the sea but she wouldn't get in. 279 00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:59,155 - You all right, love? - Yeah. 280 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,398 I'm great, yeah. 281 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,917 My mum's just being hilarious again. 282 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,639 Oh, Kell... 283 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,159 Yeah. 284 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,709 - Erm... - What, love? 285 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,598 You just called me Kell. 286 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,637 Ah. 287 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:21,996 Does that mean you like me or...? 288 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,871 Oh, Kelly, love. Of course I like you. 289 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,952 (Stifles sobs) 290 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:31,157 Oh, Kelly. 291 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,118 (Sobs) 292 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,955 I'm sorry but...it's just the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 293 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,753 Well, this is boring. 294 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,716 I think they've forgotten about us, babe. 295 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:57,439 Honestly, New Year's Eve and I'm stood in some old woman's hallway. 296 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:02,878 (She sighs) 297 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,838 I don't think they liked me, you know. 298 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,479 Course they liked you, babe. 299 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:08,358 I dunno. 300 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:13,196 Think they might have found me a bit too...unconventional? 301 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:14,555 Yeah. 302 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:18,998 You know what? I wouldn't be surprised. Actually, they're all, like, so conventional. 303 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:20,480 Yeah. 304 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,394 I know you're, like, four times as old as me... 305 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:24,596 - (Sniffs) - Not quite. 306 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:29,880 ..but even if Jason does go Australia and dumps me and I never leave the house again, 307 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,360 can we still be friends? 308 00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,079 Of course we can. 309 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:38,430 My friend Mary, from carol singing... (Sniffs)..she's 89. 310 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,910 I'm a little bit younger than her, aren't I? 311 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,356 Oh, you're considerably younger, yeah. 312 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,909 Also... (Sniffs) ..you do look younger than she does. 313 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,559 Thanks. 314 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:51,190 No, you do. Honestly. I'm not just saying that. 315 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:52,600 OK. 316 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:54,478 (Sniffs) 317 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:55,880 (Sighs) 318 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,917 I don't want Jason to go. 319 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,800 - I can't live in Australia. - I know. 320 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,320 I feel as sad as the sisters of Lazarus. 321 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:10,277 (Sniffs) 322 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,151 Well, he's upset about something. 323 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,357 Well, no, babe, he smiled at me. 324 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:22,878 No, I can tell these things, babe. I'm an observer. I observe life. It's a gift. 325 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,838 (Door opens) 326 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:26,718 Oh... Was that Jason? 327 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,439 Yeah. 328 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,836 I think they're going upstairs to have sex together. 329 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,400 - Ryan! - What? 330 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,472 - That's his mum! - Is it? 331 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,120 - Yeah, babe. - You're kidding me? 332 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,477 - I can't believe you just said that. - Oh, my God, you're kidding me? 333 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,074 She's fit. 334 00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:48,595 But then, you can also wear it... 335 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,717 (Chuckles) 336 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,312 Very nice. 337 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:57,791 Yeah. So it's basically like buying two coats for the price of one. 338 00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,951 - Well done, love. - Yeah. 339 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,713 Looks nice, doesn't it? 340 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,712 Oh, it's lovely. 341 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:06,599 - Kelly chose it. - Aw. 342 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,312 So things didn't go well down the pub, then? 343 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,719 Erm... (Sighs) 344 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,156 ..no. Not really. 345 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,198 Yeah. 346 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,636 It's a shame, really, cos Kelly loves New Year's Eve. 347 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,952 - Hmm. - It's like one of her best days of the year. 348 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,111 It's up there with, like, Christmas, 349 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,431 Halloween, April Fools' Day. 350 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,830 - Do you remember Kelly on April Fools' Day? - Yes. 351 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,877 (Both laugh) 352 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,270 She's so funny. 353 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,358 (Sighs) 354 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,118 Did she, er... 355 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,834 ..did she tell you what's wrong? 356 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:50,752 Erm... 357 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,392 Yeah, she did, love, yeah. 358 00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:58,952 So, erm... 359 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:01,354 ..so what's wrong with her, then? 360 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,277 I think you know what's wrong with her, love. 361 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,152 (Exhales) 362 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,470 Why didn't you tell me you got the job? 363 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,632 You've done so well. 364 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,557 Your dad would have been blown away. 365 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,040 - Hm. - (She chuckles) 366 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:34,913 If you want to go to Australia, if it's really important to you... 367 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:39,277 ..you have to go. 368 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,156 I think the problem is, though, Mum, that... 369 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,237 ..I love Kelly. 370 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,238 I've never met anyone like her. 371 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,472 I mean, she's a nutcase but she makes me laugh. 372 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,711 She's hilarious. 373 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,792 And there's not a bad bone in her body. 374 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,600 And the way she's been with me with everything with Dad... 375 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,997 I'm so lucky to have her. 376 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:08,118 - And she really likes you. - Yeah, I've noticed that. 377 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,197 But like... 378 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:15,393 she doesn't wanna go Australia. 379 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,472 She sort of pretends she does but... she's such a bad liar. 380 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,553 I can't make her move there, can I? 381 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:30,872 Mum... 382 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:32,989 ..I can't, though, can I? 383 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,153 That's not for me to say, love. 384 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:40,720 (Sighs) 385 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,553 You can learn to surf in Cornwall. 386 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,916 - Yeah, I've heard that. - Hm. 387 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:55,517 And I was thinking maybe one year, me and Kell can save our holidays up 388 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:57,956 and we could go Australia for a month or something. 389 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,430 - Yeah, be lovely. - Yeah. 390 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,519 (Exhales) I should go and talk to her about it, shouldn't I? 391 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,675 - Yeah, that'll be a nice thing to do. - Hm. 392 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,559 What do you think you're gonna say? 393 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:15,672 Dunno. 394 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:17,596 That I'm not going? 395 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,718 I think...sometimes, what you gotta do in life, Mum, 396 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:29,477 is you gotta think about what's best and what's important in the long term. 397 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:33,315 And not just always do what you wanna do in, like, the short term. 398 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,916 I sort of don't ever wanna be away from her, do I? 399 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,992 She's like my twin. 400 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:44,352 Do you know what I mean? 401 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,792 - Yeah, I do. - (Both chuckle) 402 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,315 (Inhales deeply) 403 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,198 (Exhales) 404 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,232 I just need a wee first, or I won't be able to concentrate. 405 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,153 MAUREEN: What's he saying? 406 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:12,358 - And then he comes in with this little mouse. MAUREEN: Reg... 407 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,717 - Tiny little thing it was. - Sorry, Reg. Pauline's not really in the mood. 408 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:17,598 All right, all right. Just let me finish. 409 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:20,912 About this big he was. Still alive. He's got it in his mouth. 410 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,118 MAUREEN: Reg... - He puts it down on the carpet. Still alive. 411 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,113 Tiny little mouse. Could fit on your finger. Sweet little fella. 412 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,840 He comes in with it in his mouth and he drops it on the carpet. 413 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,310 - Can we talk about this later? - It won't take long. 414 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:36,599 So I take him by his tail- tiny little thing - I take him by his tail, 415 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:38,319 and he's spinning about. 416 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:39,914 He was absolutely terrified. 417 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,435 I took him by his tail, looked him in the eye, 418 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,751 and smashed his skull against the wall. 419 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,637 MAUREEN: What's he saying? 420 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,677 Left a mark on the wallpaper. 421 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,035 - She'll never notice. - You killed a mouse? 422 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,960 It was only a little one. 423 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,959 Oh. (Chuckles) 424 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,237 Thought you'd given up. 425 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:14,277 So did I. (Chuckles) 426 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:22,033 (Fireworks whistle and pop) 427 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,912 Never really liked New Year's Eve. 428 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,913 No, me neither. 429 00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:35,512 I never understood what it was I was supposed to be celebrating. 430 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:39,992 Dave used to love it, didn't he? 431 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:42,549 - Hmm. - But then he was like that. 432 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,199 Yeah. 433 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,838 It's been a funny year. 434 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,354 Mm-hm. 435 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:56,760 Lost my husband but I gained Kelly so... 436 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,116 ..I guess it evens out. 437 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:00,953 (Both chuckle) 438 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,799 - And your wrist. - Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. 439 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:06,758 (Laughs) 440 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:08,433 How is it? 441 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,319 Oh, yeah, it's completely fine. Yeah. 442 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,078 That's good. 443 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,957 What about you? (Chuckles) 444 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:20,716 I think you've got a fan in Carol. 445 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:22,473 Oh, no, no, no. 446 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,837 No, no, no, I'll not be going there, don't worry about that. 447 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:29,072 - Why not? - (Chuckles) Not my type. 448 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,117 Oh, so you've got a type, have you? 449 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:34,717 Yeah. 450 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,790 Well, thank you for the chocolates and the biscuits. 451 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:53,157 I'll be sure to let my doctor know that I'll be eating them. 452 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:56,791 I've been trying to give you this. 453 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,436 - Have you? - Hmm. 454 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:06,470 It's just to say thank you because I don't think I could have got through this year without you. 455 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,517 The year would have been a lot quicker. 456 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,870 No, it's...it's just a thank you, that's all. 457 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,792 Happy Christmas. 458 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:16,999 Thank you. 459 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:20,871 Aren't you gonna open it? 460 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:23,880 Yeah. 461 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:35,750 (Both chuckle) 462 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,071 It's very nice. Thank you. 463 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,311 Aren't you gonna have a look at the, er...? 464 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:42,560 Yeah. 465 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,632 - Ahh. - (She laughs) 466 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:51,353 Do you remember that Chinese meal...? 467 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:54,160 - I remember. I remember. - (Both chuckle) 468 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:59,997 - Oh. - Oh... I tried my best. 469 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:01,799 Well, it tasted better than it looked. 470 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,678 Well, move on. 471 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,675 Yeah, I'm not really sure what that's meant to be. 472 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,036 It's Kelly, wasn't it, on April Fools' Day. 473 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:13,477 - Oh, yeah. God, she was mad. - Yeah, I know. 474 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:15,279 Ah. 475 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:17,916 Ah! 476 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,390 Yeah, well...I got it up eventually. 477 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,951 You did very well for a man who'd never put a telly on a wall. 478 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:28,751 - I didn't know what to put. - Very arty. 479 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,718 Thank you. 480 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:32,632 Oh... (Laughs) 481 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:34,473 (Laughs) 482 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,233 Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Michael. 483 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,551 It's your face. It's funny. 484 00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:41,200 Oh. Well, just wait till we get to November. 485 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,556 OK. 486 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:44,710 Ohh. 487 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,315 Ah, that was a long night for you, you poor wee thing. 488 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,232 But I had you there with me, didn't I? 489 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:52,160 Yeah. 490 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:55,994 Ooooh. 491 00:25:57,840 --> 00:25:59,479 - (Laughs) - Oh, no. 492 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:01,916 I can't even remember taking that. 493 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:07,120 No, I expect you were too busy smashing my digital photo frame. 494 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:15,318 (Chuckles) 495 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,075 - (Front door opens) - Oi! Dickheads! 496 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:49,879 It's nearly midnight! 497 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:51,553 (Carol laughs) 498 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,438 I think she means us. 499 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:55,274 Yep. 500 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,431 (Fireworks whistle and pop) 501 00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:00,194 I've never really thought of myself as a dickhead. 502 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:01,430 I have. 503 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,989 Have you? That's very nice of you. Thanks, Michael. 504 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:07,520 I think I'm more of an arsehole, really. 505 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:08,875 Oh, yeah, I can see that. 506 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:10,394 - Can you? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 507 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:13,234 I've always definitely thought you were a right arsehole. 508 00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:15,073 (Both laugh) 509 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:22,075 CAROL: Anyone wanna try some of my cocktail? 510 00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:24,074 Hello, everyone. 511 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:26,152 CAROL: Hello, Cathy. 512 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:28,436 All right, Michael? 513 00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:30,830 We're not going Australia. 514 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:32,434 Ah, great, mate. 515 00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:35,718 KELLY: Mum, he's not going to Australia. 516 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:37,553 MAUREEN: Who's going to Australia? 517 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,155 (Conversation continues) 518 00:27:57,400 --> 00:28:01,519 CAROL: Michael! Michael! It's nearly midnight! 519 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:02,954 (Chatter) 520 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:04,474 Can you put the sound on the TV? 521 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,440 - Big Ben. Shush! It's Big Ben. - (Chiming on TV) 522 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,515 GUESTS: Ten...nine...eight... 523 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,877 seven...six...five... 524 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:19,590 ..four...three...two...one! 525 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:22,957 ♪ I got my ticket for the long way round 526 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:26,354 ♪ Two bottle a'whisky for the way 527 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:30,514 ♪ And I sure would like some sweet company 528 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,080 ♪ And I'm leavin' tomorrow 529 00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:33,833 ♪ What d'ya say? 530 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:35,479 ♪ When I'm gone 531 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,275 ♪ When I'm gone 532 00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:40,875 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone 533 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,119 ♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair 534 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:45,157 ♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere 535 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:48,597 ♪ Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone 39827

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