Original subtitles

Martin? Will you do me the honour of being my best man? I'm going to ask Harriet to marry me. What?

I'm glad he's making an honest woman of you. He's a lucky man.

Is he? Why did you dump me then?

It is a bit quick and I want you to be sure that you're doing the right thing. Thanks.

I'd better go because I'm on a stag do for a wedding

that nobody believes in.

You got rid of him then?

That bloke was a ticking time bomb.

No. Filling in for him. Still here.

Oh.

I'm doing him.

You what?

I love this divorce. Living in my shop's epic.

My commute is like three seconds.

Why did you take your trousers off?

False widow spiders. It's just a precaution.

You all right? Yeah, all right?

I'm proud of you, Mart. Yeah?

Yeah. You stood up for yourself.

You're not scared that you pissed off your fiancee.

You're not scared of starting a marriage on the wrong foot with a non-religious ceremony

against her family's wishes and you've held on to your foreskin.

That's all in your best man's speech, is it? No. I won't mention she gave you Chlamydia.

No, you can leave that out. You've come a long way since I met you. Gained a son, a wife, a career.

I've lost a wife, son, this isn't much of a career.

I'm losing customers,

which I can only think is because of the recession.

You still seeing your shrink?

No, knocked her on the head. I'm cured of my paranoia now,

plus I think she was telling her other patients about me.

No, my therapy is painting.

Still doing that?

Am I?

Nah. I can't wait.

I want to show you something. I've done you a painting.

Wedding present. It's you, Harriet and Steven on holiday.

Ha...

Wow! That is brilliant.

Which one's me?

When you move into her place, you can have it up in the lounge.

We could.

Happy family.

I remember that day. My costume was very itchy and I was not in the best of moods

as the catering team had run out of Scotch eggs.

I liked doing the scene with all the gadgets.

Sometimes they let me take the props home

and I just put them in my memory tin and go sigh at the sunset.

When we filmed this scene, it was the make-up lady's birthday

and somebody had got her a cake.

It was very dry.

Thought you was meant to be packing?

Yes, I am packing.

I don't want you to leave.

I thought you were all excited about turning this into a zumba studio.

I went to zumba, couldn't do it.

Harriet swears by it. Why are you all dressed up?

I'm not.

She scrubs up all right that old Jean, bit of the old war paint on.

Trying to get some bloke to notice her, I'll wager.

Get packing, you!

There you go.

No more living in that tiny flat crummy roomy.

Yeah.

Do you reckon you'll get all your belongings into that cupboard?

Yeah. As long as we can close the door on it all,

it doesn't matter if it's piled up.

Hey, there was something your brother said on the stag do,

just wanted to ask you about.

He sort of said you knew Nigel Lord before you met me.

Well, I did know him a bit.

Didn't think it was worth mentioning.

Sounds like you knew him quite well.

We've all got a past, Martin.

Yeah, I know.

I just thought we were meant to be honest, you know.

Just made me think, because you're into my voices and that,

that maybe you had a thing for impressionists.

Oh, shall we talk about honesty?

Because you told me that that was a family heirloom

when you really found it in a pile of old sewage.

Yeah, well...

I don't give a shit about Nigel.

I invited him to the wedding.

What?

God. OK, yeah, that's fine.

You're not having second thoughts, are you?

No. I can't wait for us to be a family.

You really hurt me, talking about Nigel Lord like that.

Harriet, my angel, light of my life.

I don't want to hurt you.

I just want to bash your brains in.

God, I love Jack Nicholson.

Yeah, did Nigel do...?

Not as well as you.

Hang on. Look at all that dust.

Where? There in the sunlight, loads of dust. Hoover it.

You want me hoover beams of sunlight?

Yeah. It's come off all your rubbish.

This is nice.

Not allowed to drink coffee on the sofa at Harriet's.

How's your pain au chocolat?

Oh, a little dry. I'll save it for the ducks.

Do ducks like them? Don't know.

Not everyone's cut out for the finer things in life, but you've got to give a bit back, ain't you?

Ducks mate for life, you know. They seem happy.

Oh, you don't. Sure you want to get married?

Yeah. It's just the money.

I mean, it'll be good for Steven.

Be all right for me.

Anyway, what was this thing you were going to tell me?

You're still coming to the wedding, right.

I need people to stick up for me.

Yeah, I'm coming. But I won't be drinking.

Mm? Bought a car?

Pregnant.

Oh, shit. Congratulations.

Oh, you're the first person I've told. Me?

You know you can't get pregnant from sharing packed lunches with men.

Oh, no, shut up, no. No, I've been seeing this bloke.

No, he's nice and that, but...

You haven't told him. Don't know what I want to do about it.

If I want it.

Well, all I can say is I absolutely love parenthood.

I get an e-mail every fortnight. I get...

Don't know if I want to be a parent.

And I ain't ready. No-one ever is, Chels.

Look at parking.

You know, it goes disabled, parent and child then everybody else.

Being a parent is halfway to being disabled in society's eyes.

Right.

I ain't being out of order. I am disabled.

You should definitely tell the father of your baby.

Don't leave him out of it.

If I have it, you be the godfather?

It is an offer I can't refuse.

What?

Have you got some bedding downstairs?

Yeah. Harriet insisted I bring some.

I can't believe I'm back here so soon.

Mm. Well, it's tradition.

You're not supposed to see her or the dress before tomorrow.

I've seen the bloody price tag for the dress. Blimey!

You all right for money? Sort of.

If we have a really nice honeymoon, hopefully she'll forget all about the wedding.

She doesn't know how lucky she is.

Did you bring the forks to eat the last bit? Yeah.

I'm surprised she don't like all your clever material.

She went to that Oxbridge.

Thought she'd like your stuff about Orville.

Orwell! Orville's like...

I wish I could fly.

Oh, oh. You should do him. I love him.

He had a nappy on.

I can't.

Aw.

Aw.

Martin?

Yeah?

Do you want to sleep in my room like old times?

You don't have to sleep on the floor.

No, doesn't feel right. Getting married in the morning.

Not appropriate.

Suppose so.

Night, Martin.

Night.

Funny how things work out, isn't it? You look very nice.

This isn't exactly how I saw my wedding day being.

I thought you might be here to tell me to stop,

that I'm marrying the wrong man.

No, I'm just here for the food and drink.

And the celebration of the love.

Look, there is something I need to tell you. What?

I had Chlamydia. I have to tell all my old partners.

Thank you.

You look lovely.

Thank you.

You all right?

Underwhelmed.

That's just nerves.

There isn't even a side room where I can hide.

You're not meant to have seen the dress until the ceremony.

Look, Harriet, I'm sorry this isn't the dream wedding you had in mind

when you were a little girl, but you're not a little girl.

I'm younger than you, Martin.

That's not what I meant. Come on, Harriet, I've done my best.

I know. That's what makes it so depressing.

Oh, Harriet, you look so beautiful.

So do you. Your dress probably cost more than mine.

Thanks for coming, Glen. I know it's against your dad's wishes.

Hey, I'm here to give my sister away.

And to see me again. Yeah, that goes without saying.

This is Harriet's brother, Glen. This is my mum.

It's a pleasure.

Dad's the official photographer.

Oh, and my father doesn't really want me to be here today

so kind of shoot round me. Oh, OK.

Your finger is over the lens.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Have you done that all the time? Let me see them pictures.

Last chance to run away. Harriet's friends are all right, aren't they?

I've told them individually about my divorce, that it's finalised,

so will you go along with that? Yeah, cool.

He has, hasn't he? Yeah. What? He's buggered off.

Oh, great. Do I keep taking pictures or what?

Yes, keep taking pictures. I know where he'll be.

Me too.

This is a big place. Let's split up.

Not of us!

Come on, mate, you can't stay in here for ever.

If you can't go through with it, you don't have to force yourself.

Feels wrong, don't it?

I can see your feet, mate.

Look, Martin...

..I don't want you to get married.

I love you.

I'm in love with you.

I think you've got the wrong person.

Martin, this is not the time for voices. I'm serious.

I love you.

Who are you?

I'm the registrar. I'm doing the wedding here today.

Oh, right. Just forget everything I've just said.

Sorry, I...

I'm very emotional. Sorry.

Do you mind? I need to...

Oh, right. Sorry.

Bloody hell, mate, what have you been eating?

Martin? How'd you know I was here?

You've been running away and hiding in toilets since you...

Since you could walk. Dad's here as well?

You all right, son? Hi, Dad.

If you don't want to go through with this, you don't have to.

We can all just go home.

No-one will think any of the less of you.

I'm doing this for Steven. He's feeling homesick.

He's coming home from travelling. He needs a family.

Martin, doing this won't bring his mum back. He'll understand, love.

What do you want, though, Martin?

We love you. And if Harriet isn't happy with you then,

well, she doesn't deserve you.

She's turned my life around. I'm doing stand up.

I'm a performer now.

Well, it's not very you, is it?

What? You idiot!

It is me actually. I'm not hiding in toilets any more.

I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna marry Harriet,

and be a real man for once in my life.

Hold it.

Lovely.

Kevin, you've got no sense of occasion.

What? It's a nice picture.

Is there any reason that these two people should not be wed?

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Then I pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

Hello.

I'm Neil, Martin's best man.

Not the first choice but most of his friends are women and his son's

out of the country, so, still an honour, still an honour.

I knew Martin before he met Harriet.

He was under confident, he shambled around looking at the floor,

he had no prospects at all, and he had hidden his talent under a bush.

Then his son Steven came along and that got him out of his shell,

through shame mostly at his wasted life.

But it was Harriet who pushed him

and manipulated him

and pressured him into following his and her dream

of being a live performer and voice artist doing his impressions.

She also gave him other things but they've cleared up now.

Only joking.

And he, in return, gave her a ring that he had found in a drain.

But seriously, guys, congratulations, and my advice would be to

live every day like it is your last day together because it could be.

I came downstairs one morning to a goodbye letter

and an empty house, and now I live in a shop.

I live in a shop.

Thanks, Neil. Thanks, mate. Cheers. Neil.

Now, can I be the first to say you look beautiful, Mrs Hurdle.

Harriet's not actually taking my name but I can say that

cos I know it winds her up.

What most of you don't know is that Harriet

and I have other names, pet names for each other.

If you don't know already, I'm Kermit and she's Miss Piggy.

So in the words of Kermit the Frog

who says it far better than I could ever, now this is for you, Harriet.

It's not easy being green, seems you blend in with

so many other ordinary things.

People tend to pass you over

cos you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water.

But green is the colour of spring

and green can be cool and friendly

like... and green can be big like an ocean

or important like a mountain.

Or tall like a tree.

Cheers.

Hey.

What's the matter? Nothing.

I don't have to be a body language expert to know something's up.

What was wrong with my speech?

Nothing. I thought you were gonna do voices.

It was a bit Kermit-heavy.

That's what my friends will remember now for ever

about my wedding day, that silly poem.

It was meant to be nice.

What does it matter what your friends think?

I'm the one with the Kermit tattoo that will last for ever.

I just think you should have done your voices.

Attenborough, Morgan Freeman, Jack Nicholson.

Everyone would have loved that.

Sorry.

Everyone, the wedding car's here.

What's this?

Only a stretch limousine.

Seriously, Martin?

Yeah. Nothing but the best for Mrs Hurdle.

Stop saying that. What's the matter?

I said classic car. Jesus, everyone's look at it.

This was really expensive.

Who did you think you were marrying? Katie fucking Price?

This thing's got a TV in it and champagne.

Martin...

They had a pink one.

I didn't get a pink one.

Mm, this isn't champagne.

No, it's sparkling wine.

Sorry, love birds. I need to stop for petrol.

I won't be long.

Seriously. He couldn't have gone before he picked us up.

And he said, "Love birds."

Kiss?

Selfie.

He's only stopping for petrol. He won't be long.

Where is this guy?

Right, well, seeing as he's taking ages, I'm gonna get some chewing gum.

Will you get me a Bounty?

No. You don't need chocolate, Martin.