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1
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:10,469
You should leave the agency. There's
not room for two impressionists.
2
00:00:10,470 --> 00:00:13,150
I'm one friend away from
being homeless!
3
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:16,120
How's it going with Harriet anyway?
Really good, actually.
4
00:00:16,157 --> 00:00:18,877
I can't believe you
two are seeing each other!
5
00:00:18,909 --> 00:00:22,387
I am not dating a site
maintenance person.
6
00:00:22,388 --> 00:00:25,907
So get in there,
take control of your life.
7
00:00:25,908 --> 00:00:28,827
What's we found?
8
00:00:28,828 --> 00:00:32,520
Rrrrr... Precioussssss!
9
00:00:38,508 --> 00:00:40,747
It's perfect.
10
00:00:40,748 --> 00:00:44,748
Now I'm going to do something
I should have done years ago.
11
00:01:00,588 --> 00:01:04,588
Everything all right? You sounded
very forceful on the phone.
12
00:01:04,908 --> 00:01:07,947
Yeah.
Jean, I need to ask you something.
13
00:01:07,948 --> 00:01:11,948
OK.
14
00:01:12,228 --> 00:01:15,308
You know there's a right
way of doing things, you know,
15
00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:17,227
tradition and all of that?
16
00:01:17,228 --> 00:01:21,107
But when it comes down to it,
life isn't like the movies.
17
00:01:21,108 --> 00:01:25,108
What the hell are you talking about,
Martin?
18
00:01:26,708 --> 00:01:30,387
Look.
19
00:01:30,388 --> 00:01:32,907
Martin! Yeah.
20
00:01:32,908 --> 00:01:35,787
Jean...
21
00:01:35,788 --> 00:01:39,788
..will you do me
the honour...
22
00:01:40,388 --> 00:01:42,227
..of being my best man?
23
00:01:42,228 --> 00:01:44,067
I'm going to ask Harriet
to marry me.
24
00:01:44,068 --> 00:01:47,267
What? Your best man?
25
00:01:47,268 --> 00:01:49,747
Yeah, you're my best mate.
26
00:01:49,748 --> 00:01:51,227
You want to marry Harriet?
27
00:01:51,228 --> 00:01:54,068
Yeah, I want to give Steven
a stable family.
28
00:01:54,069 --> 00:01:55,507
I mean, I'm 40.
29
00:01:55,508 --> 00:01:58,267
If we get married now
and have a baby in two years
30
00:01:58,268 --> 00:02:01,867
I'll be 60 by the time it's 18,
which isn't bad.
31
00:02:01,868 --> 00:02:03,867
Please.
32
00:02:03,868 --> 00:02:05,467
No, Martin.
33
00:02:05,468 --> 00:02:07,547
What's the matter,
don't you like Harriet?
34
00:02:07,548 --> 00:02:10,747
Your reasons for getting
married are stupid.
35
00:02:10,748 --> 00:02:13,827
Harriet's turned my blooper reel
of a life around!
36
00:02:13,828 --> 00:02:15,067
I'm not a loser any more!
37
00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:16,747
Where did you get that diamond?
38
00:02:16,748 --> 00:02:18,987
I found it in a drain.
39
00:02:18,988 --> 00:02:22,227
You'll always be a loser, Martin.
40
00:02:22,228 --> 00:02:25,827
But not as big a loser as me.
41
00:02:25,828 --> 00:02:29,828
Is it the speech? You don't
have to make a speech!
42
00:02:40,548 --> 00:02:44,147
Ooh, hang on,
who's that knocking on my door?
43
00:02:44,148 --> 00:02:47,187
It's only Chris bloody Eubank!
Do you remember him?
44
00:02:47,188 --> 00:02:49,467
Hello, I'm Chris Eubank.
45
00:02:49,468 --> 00:02:52,267
I'm a boxer,
I'm a fighter, I'm a warrior.
46
00:02:52,268 --> 00:02:54,507
I once got battered in the ring.
Not that ring!
47
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,187
Whoo, saucy!
48
00:02:56,188 --> 00:02:59,707
He is good, isn't he?
Oh, you're better. Yeah.
49
00:02:59,708 --> 00:03:01,507
You getting any ideas?
50
00:03:01,508 --> 00:03:03,627
Yeah, I don't want to be
anything like that.
51
00:03:03,628 --> 00:03:06,267
You don't have to have a table with
wigs and glasses but, I mean,
52
00:03:06,268 --> 00:03:08,107
everyone's laughing!
53
00:03:08,108 --> 00:03:10,787
He went there.
He's in a neck brace now.
54
00:03:10,788 --> 00:03:12,187
I'm not going to do my voices.
55
00:03:12,188 --> 00:03:14,707
I prefer the observational
stand-up guy from before.
56
00:03:14,708 --> 00:03:17,227
I'm going to do that, you know,
a bit of a message.
57
00:03:17,228 --> 00:03:18,907
That's brave.
58
00:03:18,908 --> 00:03:20,547
I am brave.
59
00:03:20,548 --> 00:03:22,788
By brave I mean stupid.
60
00:03:23,868 --> 00:03:25,667
I've told you,
61
00:03:25,668 --> 00:03:28,628
you're only supposed to
turn your bloody phones off!
62
00:03:32,188 --> 00:03:34,308
I love his Michael Caine.
63
00:03:35,748 --> 00:03:39,748
It's not that good.
64
00:03:43,188 --> 00:03:46,427
Chapter nine, Big Steps.
65
00:03:46,428 --> 00:03:50,307
When I first got sent the script
for Horse Brass 2, I thought
66
00:03:50,308 --> 00:03:52,707
it was a load of bloody nonsense.
67
00:03:52,708 --> 00:03:55,147
But Shakira, my beautiful wife,
68
00:03:55,148 --> 00:03:59,148
reckoned I needed to get a few bob
in the 'ouse so I said I'd do it.
69
00:03:59,708 --> 00:04:03,507
My character had to save the entire
world using nothing
70
00:04:03,508 --> 00:04:07,508
but a bit of nous
and his bionic chum Charleston.
71
00:04:07,588 --> 00:04:11,387
I created a huge back-story
and did a load of little drawings
72
00:04:11,388 --> 00:04:15,187
in crayon, which Shakira thought
were really rather very nice.
73
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:16,507
In fact, she cried.
74
00:04:16,508 --> 00:04:18,027
But there was one problem,
75
00:04:18,028 --> 00:04:21,907
half of my scenes had to be
filmed in the Pacific Ocean.
76
00:04:21,908 --> 00:04:25,547
And there is one thing
I always specify in my contracts -
77
00:04:25,548 --> 00:04:27,827
I will not get my legs wet.
78
00:04:27,828 --> 00:04:30,707
I don't like it!
Sh, Martin, it's ringing.
79
00:04:30,708 --> 00:04:32,787
Yes, it worked. Hello?
80
00:04:32,788 --> 00:04:34,947
Steven, how's the trip going?
81
00:04:34,948 --> 00:04:36,907
Ah, it's amazing. It's good.
82
00:04:36,908 --> 00:04:38,267
It's a bit chaotic still.
83
00:04:38,268 --> 00:04:40,147
Hi, Steven, this is Harriet!
84
00:04:40,148 --> 00:04:43,467
All right, Harriet!
Thank you for your e-mail.
85
00:04:43,468 --> 00:04:45,467
You feeling better about it all now?
86
00:04:45,468 --> 00:04:48,747
Yeah, I was just homesick
the other day.
87
00:04:48,748 --> 00:04:50,467
I miss my mum and I missed you.
88
00:04:50,468 --> 00:04:53,507
I miss you too. We'll all be
together when you get back.
89
00:04:53,508 --> 00:04:55,227
How's it working
with your new agent?
90
00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:57,747
All right! Yeah,
he's got me doing stand-up.
91
00:04:57,748 --> 00:05:01,027
Really? Impressions
and stand-up can be cheesy.
92
00:05:01,028 --> 00:05:05,028
Yeah, I know. That's what I think.
93
00:05:05,228 --> 00:05:07,027
You're not going to run away again?
94
00:05:07,028 --> 00:05:09,667
No, he's going to smash it
out the park!
95
00:05:09,668 --> 00:05:11,147
Ah, there go the beeps.
96
00:05:11,148 --> 00:05:14,187
Oh, get yourself another
phone card. We'll pay for it.
97
00:05:14,188 --> 00:05:15,587
Ah, OK. Cheers. Bye.
98
00:05:15,588 --> 00:05:17,587
Bye! Bye.
99
00:05:17,588 --> 00:05:21,588
Ah. You'd make a good mum.
100
00:05:21,668 --> 00:05:24,067
I only made you a packed lunch.
101
00:05:24,068 --> 00:05:28,068
Oh, don't get that all over
your face, we're nearly here now.
102
00:05:28,308 --> 00:05:30,747
I meant Steven, not me.
103
00:05:30,748 --> 00:05:32,547
Right.
104
00:05:32,548 --> 00:05:36,548
Show me that winner body language.
Be Gandolfini.
105
00:05:37,268 --> 00:05:40,027
I'm a fucking winner, a go-getter!
106
00:05:40,028 --> 00:05:42,627
Now siddown and shut the fuck up!
107
00:05:42,628 --> 00:05:44,067
Ooh, blimey!
108
00:05:44,068 --> 00:05:47,347
Maybe Mr Gandolfini wants to come
out to play tonight!
109
00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:49,307
Bit weird now he's dead.
110
00:05:49,308 --> 00:05:53,308
Doesn't bother me!
Slept with Peter O'Toole last night.
111
00:05:53,908 --> 00:05:57,908
Yeah.
112
00:05:58,428 --> 00:06:02,347
So come down
and try out one of our lovely beds.
113
00:06:02,348 --> 00:06:04,347
You'll love it, actually.
114
00:06:04,348 --> 00:06:06,187
That's great.
115
00:06:06,188 --> 00:06:08,227
Won't Bill Nighy be pissed off?
116
00:06:08,228 --> 00:06:10,707
Probably, but you can't copyright
a voice.
117
00:06:10,708 --> 00:06:12,787
Are these beds any good?
I don't know.
118
00:06:12,788 --> 00:06:15,507
They're probably shit if they can't
afford the real Bill Nighy.
119
00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:18,508
We haven't got to sleep on them,
have we? Ha!
120
00:06:29,708 --> 00:06:32,067
Ah, enjoying my work?
121
00:06:32,068 --> 00:06:33,547
You all right, Nigel?
122
00:06:33,548 --> 00:06:37,427
No. I'm doing backstreet voice mail
messages for cash in hand.
123
00:06:37,428 --> 00:06:39,267
You don't do Bill Nighy.
124
00:06:39,268 --> 00:06:40,587
I know. I'm joking.
125
00:06:40,588 --> 00:06:42,787
Hey, come on, we've all had a drink.
126
00:06:42,788 --> 00:06:46,387
I haven't. It's ten o'clock
in the morning. You OK?
127
00:06:46,388 --> 00:06:50,107
What did you think of my set last
night? The audience liked it. Idiots.
128
00:06:50,108 --> 00:06:51,987
I had 'em eating
out of the palm of my hand.
129
00:06:51,988 --> 00:06:53,347
I hear you're giving it a go.
130
00:06:53,348 --> 00:06:55,947
Yeah, Kingsley wants me
to develop my confidence,
131
00:06:55,948 --> 00:06:59,267
be a bit more like you.
Couldn't walk a mile in my shoes.
132
00:06:59,268 --> 00:07:03,147
I don't think anybody could.
133
00:07:03,148 --> 00:07:04,907
I'm not going to do any voices
anyway.
134
00:07:04,908 --> 00:07:07,027
I've written some
observational stuff.
135
00:07:07,028 --> 00:07:09,587
You're doing stand-up
but not impressions? Why?
136
00:07:09,588 --> 00:07:12,787
I think it's a bit cheesy.
137
00:07:12,788 --> 00:07:14,187
Well, what are you going to wear?
138
00:07:14,188 --> 00:07:16,628
Well, just this.
I'm just going to be me.
139
00:07:16,629 --> 00:07:19,947
They'll eat you alive!
140
00:07:19,948 --> 00:07:21,667
Are you here to do a voiceover?
141
00:07:21,668 --> 00:07:25,627
No, I've just come here
for the free food.
142
00:07:25,628 --> 00:07:28,928
Right, Keith?
143
00:07:41,508 --> 00:07:43,107
Hello, mate. Hiya.
144
00:07:43,108 --> 00:07:44,907
Guest pass. Ah.
145
00:07:44,908 --> 00:07:48,608
What? "California's winged giants
saved from extinction."
146
00:07:49,148 --> 00:07:51,147
It's about eagles.
147
00:07:51,148 --> 00:07:55,148
Ah. I don't read the papers any
more. Drives you mad, that stuff.
148
00:07:56,468 --> 00:07:57,947
This is nice, isn't it?
149
00:07:57,948 --> 00:08:00,307
Changed my whole life.
I'm here all the time.
150
00:08:00,308 --> 00:08:04,308
To me, this place is like a church,
except it's always bloody busy.
151
00:08:05,148 --> 00:08:08,027
Never heard of someone being
prescribed exercise.
152
00:08:08,028 --> 00:08:10,867
Oh, yeah, my shrink reckons it's
more effective than tablets
153
00:08:10,868 --> 00:08:12,507
for anxiety and depression!
154
00:08:12,508 --> 00:08:14,587
I must admit, I've never
felt better.
155
00:08:14,588 --> 00:08:17,507
Although I am on tablets too.
Yeah, you look really well.
156
00:08:17,508 --> 00:08:20,307
Yeah, would never have got into
this top a couple of weeks ago.
157
00:08:20,308 --> 00:08:23,787
Yeah, couple more weeks you'll get
that on without a struggle at all!
158
00:08:23,788 --> 00:08:27,067
Well, it's all part of the work-out.
Let's use these bad boys!
159
00:08:27,068 --> 00:08:29,667
Harriet reckons the rowing
machines are best for cardio.
160
00:08:29,668 --> 00:08:31,587
She would say that. Huh?
161
00:08:31,588 --> 00:08:35,588
It's middle-class, cardio rowing,
innit? Nah, this is what you want.
162
00:08:36,988 --> 00:08:39,347
You and Harriet got off
on the wrong foot.
163
00:08:39,348 --> 00:08:41,947
She's been really good to me.
Never use the ones on the end!
164
00:08:41,948 --> 00:08:45,267
More people use 'em, they get more
sweat on 'em - more germs.
165
00:08:45,268 --> 00:08:49,268
Count three in should be good.
166
00:08:52,628 --> 00:08:56,628
So you feel a lot more relaxed, do
you? Oh, yeah, very laid-back now.
167
00:08:58,228 --> 00:08:59,667
Oh, sweating already!
168
00:08:59,668 --> 00:09:03,668
Ha.
169
00:09:09,228 --> 00:09:11,467
I'm going to ask Harriet
to marry me.
170
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,147
You fucking idiot.
171
00:09:13,148 --> 00:09:16,307
I was going to ask you to be
best man! Oh, yeah, I'll do that.
172
00:09:16,308 --> 00:09:18,627
My shrink will want me
to do some public speaking.
173
00:09:18,628 --> 00:09:20,107
Right.
174
00:09:20,108 --> 00:09:23,507
Lot of pressure.
Look at my heart rate, 180.
175
00:09:23,508 --> 00:09:26,067
What's the calculation for maximum
heart rate?
176
00:09:26,068 --> 00:09:28,907
220 minus your age.
I should be dead!
177
00:09:28,908 --> 00:09:31,307
I'm having a heart attack!
Neil, you're fine.
178
00:09:31,308 --> 00:09:34,227
They say if you're able to sing
you're not working out hard enough,
179
00:09:34,228 --> 00:09:36,707
but if you're not able to
talk you're working out too hard
180
00:09:36,708 --> 00:09:39,107
and you're talking so you're fine!
181
00:09:39,108 --> 00:09:42,307
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother. ♪
182
00:09:42,308 --> 00:09:43,987
There you go, take it up a notch.
183
00:09:43,988 --> 00:09:47,988
♪ I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed! ♪
184
00:09:48,668 --> 00:09:50,947
Take the EXERCISE up a notch.
185
00:09:50,948 --> 00:09:53,107
Oh, right.
186
00:09:53,108 --> 00:09:54,547
I think I've got a gym high.
187
00:09:54,548 --> 00:09:56,027
Yeah?
188
00:09:56,028 --> 00:09:58,427
Yeah. I don't feel good.
189
00:09:58,428 --> 00:10:02,428
When are you going to pop
the question then? Today.
190
00:10:03,068 --> 00:10:04,627
Come on, I'll race ya.
191
00:10:04,628 --> 00:10:06,387
Where?
192
00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:10,388
Cor, my muscles grow fast!
193
00:10:14,588 --> 00:10:18,027
One doesn't walk into Mordor,
194
00:10:18,028 --> 00:10:19,867
one works it, girlfriend.
195
00:10:19,868 --> 00:10:22,147
Check out the swagger!
196
00:10:22,148 --> 00:10:25,267
Did you know Sir Ian McKellen's
got a really big penis?
197
00:10:25,268 --> 00:10:27,747
He had to do a nude scene
in King Lear once
198
00:10:27,748 --> 00:10:31,547
and he got his knob out,
it broke the fourth wall.
199
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:35,147
Are you nervous about your stand-up
debut tonight, Martin?
200
00:10:35,148 --> 00:10:37,307
Yeah,
but I've written some good stuff.
201
00:10:37,308 --> 00:10:40,228
I still think you're brave
not doing voices.
202
00:10:40,229 --> 00:10:43,347
I am brave.
Thinking about getting a tattoo.
203
00:10:43,348 --> 00:10:45,267
Of what?
204
00:10:45,268 --> 00:10:46,787
An eagle.
205
00:10:46,788 --> 00:10:48,227
An eagle.
206
00:10:48,228 --> 00:10:50,867
Yeah. I identify with them.
207
00:10:50,868 --> 00:10:54,867
Winged giants soaring above it all.
208
00:10:54,868 --> 00:10:56,507
Going extinct.
209
00:10:56,508 --> 00:10:59,227
If you were an eagle, Martin,
you'd walk everywhere.
210
00:10:59,228 --> 00:11:01,707
I'll get a tattoo. I don't care.
211
00:11:01,708 --> 00:11:03,667
And I'm Jewish,
we're not meant to get 'em.
212
00:11:03,668 --> 00:11:06,067
It's not the pain, it's just that
they're for ever.
213
00:11:06,068 --> 00:11:10,068
Yeah, but you won't be here for
ever. I mean, you're already 40.
214
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:16,027
You're not an eagle,
you're a chicken.
215
00:11:16,028 --> 00:11:17,067
Really?
216
00:11:17,068 --> 00:11:18,827
Ahhh!
217
00:11:18,828 --> 00:11:22,827
I'm sorry, Kermy-Wermy!
218
00:11:22,828 --> 00:11:26,828
You don't think I could be brave
or spontaneous, do you?
219
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,027
Harriet?
220
00:11:31,028 --> 00:11:34,707
What?
221
00:11:34,708 --> 00:11:36,107
I'm down here.
222
00:11:36,108 --> 00:11:37,987
Oh, wow, very spontaneous. Get up.
223
00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:40,907
No, this isn't the spontaneous
thing. I'm down on one knee.
224
00:11:40,908 --> 00:11:42,547
I'm going to ask you something.
225
00:11:42,548 --> 00:11:46,548
Martin! Oh, my God!
Well, ask me then!
226
00:11:46,988 --> 00:11:48,827
Well, will you marry me?
227
00:11:48,828 --> 00:11:50,427
Dominant posture. What?
228
00:11:50,428 --> 00:11:53,787
Dominant posture. Make me say yes.
229
00:11:53,788 --> 00:11:56,667
It's hard to be dominant.
I'm kneeling before you.
230
00:11:56,668 --> 00:11:58,627
It is by its very nature submissive.
231
00:11:58,628 --> 00:12:01,067
Do you understand what's
happening here? Yes.
232
00:12:01,068 --> 00:12:05,068
What, yes, you do or yes, you...?
No, no, yes, I'll marry you!
233
00:12:05,228 --> 00:12:09,228
Bloody hell. My God!
Ah, this is crazy!
234
00:12:09,708 --> 00:12:10,947
Is this a diamond?
235
00:12:10,948 --> 00:12:13,987
Yeah. Hah!
236
00:12:13,988 --> 00:12:15,387
It's a Hurdle family heirloom.
237
00:12:15,388 --> 00:12:18,267
Ohhh...
238
00:12:18,268 --> 00:12:22,187
I wanted to do this over a romantic
meal but I thought, no,
239
00:12:22,188 --> 00:12:25,267
be spontaneous,
do it down the docks.
240
00:12:25,268 --> 00:12:28,147
I can't believe we're getting
married. I can have a big wedding.
241
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:30,587
Well... My dad will pay for it.
242
00:12:30,588 --> 00:12:33,707
You'll have to convert but...
I'll just have to tell my friends.
243
00:12:33,708 --> 00:12:34,907
Convert?
244
00:12:34,908 --> 00:12:36,707
Yeah, to Judaism.
245
00:12:36,708 --> 00:12:39,707
You just have to meet the rabbi
a couple of times a week, I think.
246
00:12:39,708 --> 00:12:41,947
OK, well, I want to do what it
takes.
247
00:12:41,948 --> 00:12:45,667
I mean, you really get on with
Steven and it'll be good for us too.
248
00:12:45,668 --> 00:12:47,307
Let's take a photo for my Instagram.
249
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:50,867
All my loser friends on the shelf
are going to be so gutted.
250
00:12:50,868 --> 00:12:54,868
Is Jean your friend on Instagram?
Yep.
251
00:12:56,628 --> 00:12:59,467
No, let's take another one.
You look really worried in that one.
252
00:12:59,468 --> 00:13:02,707
Do I? Yeah!
253
00:13:02,708 --> 00:13:05,347
Oh, we're getting married!
Yeah.
254
00:13:05,348 --> 00:13:08,067
Let's go and get tattoos now.
What, now?
255
00:13:08,068 --> 00:13:11,267
Yeah, yeah. We're going to get
tattoos, we're going to get married.
256
00:13:11,268 --> 00:13:15,268
This is Instagram gold! Come on!
257
00:13:24,108 --> 00:13:26,227
You OK? Yeah.
258
00:13:26,228 --> 00:13:27,507
Ah.
259
00:13:27,508 --> 00:13:29,067
How long has that been?
260
00:13:29,068 --> 00:13:33,068
20 minutes. Nearly done, though,
then it's Miss Piggy's turn.
261
00:13:35,028 --> 00:13:37,427
Yeah, I'm seriously impressed,
Martin.
262
00:13:37,428 --> 00:13:38,867
I think I had you pegged all wrong!
263
00:13:38,868 --> 00:13:42,868
Proposal, stand-up, tattoos!
You're a total bad-ass.
264
00:13:43,668 --> 00:13:47,668
Yeah. There you go.
265
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:52,228
Yeah.
266
00:13:54,988 --> 00:13:58,988
It's really good!
Yeah. Oh. Hello, Dad.
267
00:14:01,228 --> 00:14:02,307
No.
268
00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:03,667
Hello!
269
00:14:03,668 --> 00:14:07,668
Hello!
270
00:14:10,348 --> 00:14:12,227
Did you tell him I've already
got mine?
271
00:14:12,228 --> 00:14:14,627
Yes! He just doesn't want me
to have one.
272
00:14:14,628 --> 00:14:17,228
It's a Jewish thing.
Can't piss him off!
273
00:14:17,229 --> 00:14:19,187
We need him to pay for the wedding!
274
00:14:19,188 --> 00:14:21,187
If you're not going to get yours,
275
00:14:21,188 --> 00:14:23,747
out of context this might
look a bit odd.
276
00:14:23,748 --> 00:14:26,707
It's not just the tattoo,
it's cos Miss Piggy's a pig.
277
00:14:26,708 --> 00:14:28,707
Pigs aren't kosher.
278
00:14:28,708 --> 00:14:30,307
Yeah, they're unclean animals.
279
00:14:30,308 --> 00:14:33,667
Miss Piggy's not unclean!
She's glamorous, if anything!
280
00:14:33,668 --> 00:14:35,348
I can't do it, Martin, I'm sorry.
281
00:14:35,349 --> 00:14:39,348
Also, my dad said you should have
asked his permission to marry me first.
282
00:14:39,468 --> 00:14:43,468
Really? Yeah! I mean, he's fine
but just call him later.
283
00:14:44,828 --> 00:14:48,507
Also, there's one other thing,
you will need to convert
284
00:14:48,508 --> 00:14:52,267
and you'll have to get circumcised.
285
00:14:52,268 --> 00:14:53,787
Circumcised?
286
00:14:53,788 --> 00:14:56,467
On my penis?
287
00:14:56,468 --> 00:14:59,947
Right, so it's just Kermit
today then, yeah?
288
00:14:59,948 --> 00:15:02,467
Sorry, yeah.
289
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:03,507
Sorry, Kermy.
290
00:15:03,508 --> 00:15:05,907
We're getting married! Oh, yeah!
291
00:15:05,908 --> 00:15:08,147
Ow! Oh.
292
00:15:08,148 --> 00:15:10,199
Circumcised...
293
00:15:24,107 --> 00:15:26,066
Still annoyed at you.
294
00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:29,027
Nervous about tonight,
so I had to use the toilet.
295
00:15:29,028 --> 00:15:32,106
Harriet's here. Martin, have you
left a poo-ghost in there?
296
00:15:32,107 --> 00:15:33,746
I can't go when she's here!
297
00:15:33,747 --> 00:15:36,146
Oh, so you come up here
and use mine instead!
298
00:15:36,147 --> 00:15:38,586
You used to come down and use mine
when Neil was here!
299
00:15:38,587 --> 00:15:40,906
We're comfortable
around each other, aren't we?
300
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:44,907
Yeah, we are.
301
00:15:46,427 --> 00:15:49,586
I seen your happy news.
302
00:15:49,587 --> 00:15:51,666
Yeah? What do you think?
303
00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:53,946
Honestly?
304
00:15:53,947 --> 00:15:56,106
I think you don't know
each other well enough,
305
00:15:56,107 --> 00:15:58,707
and I think you've got a daft idea
of creating a family
306
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:01,146
and stability for Steven.
307
00:16:01,147 --> 00:16:04,146
I think you're having a crisis
cos you're 40.
308
00:16:04,147 --> 00:16:05,826
Ow!
309
00:16:05,827 --> 00:16:07,907
I've got an agent,
I'm doing stand-up
310
00:16:07,908 --> 00:16:10,186
and I've got this tattoo -
it's not a crisis!
311
00:16:10,187 --> 00:16:14,187
You're still coming tonight, right?
Yeah, I am.
312
00:16:14,867 --> 00:16:17,706
Martin...
313
00:16:17,707 --> 00:16:19,466
do you love her?
314
00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:22,066
I love her as much as anyone else
I've ever been out with.
315
00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:24,506
Once we get married
that will sort itself out.
316
00:16:24,507 --> 00:16:28,107
But until then you'll just do an
impression of a happily married man?
317
00:16:29,827 --> 00:16:31,586
Just do me one favour.
318
00:16:31,587 --> 00:16:34,866
That ring, don't tell her
I found it in a drain.
319
00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:37,907
That's all I need from you.
320
00:16:44,547 --> 00:16:48,226
It's a family heirloom.
Had it for years, apparently.
321
00:16:48,227 --> 00:16:52,227
Waiting for the right person.
322
00:16:52,907 --> 00:16:56,066
It's beautiful, Harriet.
323
00:16:56,067 --> 00:16:58,666
My psychiatrist thinks
we should give it another go.
324
00:16:58,667 --> 00:17:00,666
Mm, that's a good chat-up line, Neil.
325
00:17:00,667 --> 00:17:02,386
How's it going with the shrink?
326
00:17:02,387 --> 00:17:04,986
Brilliant. She even bought
one of my paintings.
327
00:17:04,987 --> 00:17:07,506
It's going to be appearing
in a textbook she's writing.
328
00:17:07,507 --> 00:17:10,106
Well done... I think.
329
00:17:10,107 --> 00:17:13,667
Seeing anyone? Nah.
330
00:17:15,507 --> 00:17:17,547
Oh, God, it's Martin! Here he is.
331
00:17:17,548 --> 00:17:20,706
He's new on the scene and the stress
has turned him grey overnight,
332
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:24,707
so put your hands together
in prayer for Martin Hurdle!
333
00:17:29,627 --> 00:17:31,186
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
334
00:17:31,187 --> 00:17:32,586
Woo-hoo!
335
00:17:32,587 --> 00:17:35,986
Uh, hello.
Everybody having a good time?
336
00:17:35,987 --> 00:17:37,946
Yeah.
337
00:17:37,947 --> 00:17:41,466
Good. I'm just going to do
some observational stuff,
338
00:17:41,467 --> 00:17:43,386
so, yeah...
339
00:17:43,387 --> 00:17:45,866
Ah, the lights are bright
up here, aren't they?
340
00:17:45,867 --> 00:17:49,586
You don't really notice it
when you're down in the audience.
341
00:17:49,587 --> 00:17:53,226
That's not it,
I haven't started yet.
342
00:17:53,227 --> 00:17:57,227
Hey, oh, we got
any readers in tonight?
343
00:17:57,627 --> 00:17:59,546
Everyone read, yeah?
344
00:17:59,547 --> 00:18:01,266
Do you have this?
345
00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:04,506
You know when somebody
recommends you a book, do you...
346
00:18:04,507 --> 00:18:06,386
Have you ever had this?
347
00:18:06,387 --> 00:18:10,266
And you start reading the book,
but you can't stop thinking about
348
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:12,466
the person who lent it to you
349
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,826
and it kind of ruins the book,
350
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:17,906
and they just keep
popping up in your head.
351
00:18:17,907 --> 00:18:19,346
Anyone have that?
352
00:18:19,347 --> 00:18:22,706
Look at the way he's standing.
It's so weak!
353
00:18:22,707 --> 00:18:24,306
I do that!
354
00:18:24,307 --> 00:18:28,307
Oh, thank you, Jean.
355
00:18:28,707 --> 00:18:31,186
You know that thing...
356
00:18:31,187 --> 00:18:35,026
when you open a dishwasher
in the middle of the wash?
357
00:18:35,027 --> 00:18:36,666
It's a bit shocking, isn't it?
358
00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:40,667
It's like you've walked in
on the crockery having a shower,
359
00:18:40,907 --> 00:18:43,426
and you're like, "Oh, sorry, sorry,"
360
00:18:43,427 --> 00:18:47,427
and you close it really quickly
and the fork's like, "Oh!"
361
00:18:50,307 --> 00:18:53,106
Come on, Martin!
362
00:18:53,107 --> 00:18:57,107
No-one's got a dishwasher here.
363
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:04,866
It makes me wonder
what it would be like...
364
00:19:04,867 --> 00:19:07,626
if the fork had
the voice of Al Pacino.
365
00:19:07,627 --> 00:19:11,627
Hey, do you mind,
I'm trying to get a shower here!
366
00:19:12,627 --> 00:19:16,627
Hoorah!
367
00:19:18,187 --> 00:19:21,706
The casserole dish sounds like
Morgan Freeman and that's like...
368
00:19:21,707 --> 00:19:24,506
Well, I'd like to say
369
00:19:24,507 --> 00:19:28,426
that the economy wash was
the right choice, but it wasn't.
370
00:19:28,427 --> 00:19:30,346
I've got food cooked onto me
371
00:19:30,347 --> 00:19:34,347
that will only shift
on the pots-and-pans wash.
372
00:19:34,427 --> 00:19:38,427
Oh, I'm a little
teapot... in the dishwasher. Ooh!
373
00:19:40,187 --> 00:19:43,666
I'm a mug at the very back
374
00:19:43,667 --> 00:19:47,147
of the deepest, darkest recesses
of the dishwasher.
375
00:20:04,547 --> 00:20:06,226
She's asleep.
376
00:20:06,227 --> 00:20:08,226
Kermit's in Sesame Street as well.
377
00:20:08,227 --> 00:20:10,186
Was he? Yeah, he was.
378
00:20:10,187 --> 00:20:12,986
It's like Jesus is in the Koran.
379
00:20:12,987 --> 00:20:15,226
Yeah, it's just like that. Is he?
380
00:20:15,227 --> 00:20:17,227
But he hasn't got any superpowers.
381
00:20:17,228 --> 00:20:19,546
He's just a normal bloke
like Batman.
382
00:20:19,547 --> 00:20:22,026
But Jesus was nice, wasn't he?
He was Christian.
383
00:20:22,027 --> 00:20:24,506
Not going to go in their book
and show off.
384
00:20:24,507 --> 00:20:26,906
Saving that for his book, The Bible!
385
00:20:26,907 --> 00:20:28,986
Jesus was Jewish, not Christian.
386
00:20:28,987 --> 00:20:30,546
Well, you didn't know about all that
387
00:20:30,547 --> 00:20:34,547
till you started
looking into becoming Jewish.
388
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:36,586
Why Kermit again?
389
00:20:36,587 --> 00:20:37,906
It's a sex game they have.
390
00:20:37,907 --> 00:20:40,946
Martin's Kermit and
Harriet's Miss Piggy. Ew!
391
00:20:40,947 --> 00:20:44,186
It's not a sex game,
it's a cute thing we do!
392
00:20:44,187 --> 00:20:46,986
Told you that in confidence.
393
00:20:46,987 --> 00:20:50,346
What's the first dance
going to be, Manamana?
394
00:20:50,347 --> 00:20:54,347
Well, Jean, marriage
is a big Kermit-ment.
395
00:20:56,307 --> 00:20:59,266
Sh! All right, guys, this is
my life you're laughing at.
396
00:20:59,267 --> 00:21:02,346
I can't believe
you have to get circumcised.
397
00:21:02,347 --> 00:21:03,746
Yeah, I know.
398
00:21:03,747 --> 00:21:05,826
Her dad's been really nice about it,
399
00:21:05,827 --> 00:21:08,466
but I still have to get
part of my penis cut off.
400
00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:09,746
You know what,
401
00:21:09,747 --> 00:21:12,506
it's a shame you didn't get Kermit
tattooed on your foreskin!
402
00:21:12,507 --> 00:21:15,706
Kill two birds with one stone!
403
00:21:15,707 --> 00:21:17,666
Yeah, all right, guys.
404
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:20,106
You don't have to go through
with all this, Martin.
405
00:21:20,107 --> 00:21:22,586
I've always said honesty
is the best policy,
406
00:21:22,587 --> 00:21:25,227
and I honestly think
you can't get out of this now.
407
00:21:25,228 --> 00:21:29,227
Harriet said I shouldn't surround
myself with such negative people.
408
00:21:29,707 --> 00:21:31,666
Blimey, what's that?
409
00:21:31,667 --> 00:21:35,667
That is a present from my fiancee.
410
00:21:39,707 --> 00:21:42,826
Why are you so against
him getting married?
411
00:21:42,827 --> 00:21:46,266
I never cared
what Martin did or anything,
412
00:21:46,267 --> 00:21:50,267
but now he's engaged it's like
I've suddenly got this feeling.
413
00:21:50,787 --> 00:21:53,266
I don't want him to get married.
414
00:21:53,267 --> 00:21:55,826
I want him to be stuck on the shelf
for me so much
415
00:21:55,827 --> 00:21:59,827
that it's made me sort of fancy him.
416
00:22:01,467 --> 00:22:05,467
Jean, people don't normally say
those kind of things out loud.
417
00:22:08,147 --> 00:22:11,186
I really meant it
when I got down on one knee.
418
00:22:11,187 --> 00:22:13,466
Now you lot have given me doubts.
419
00:22:13,467 --> 00:22:16,066
I don't know what I think.
Martin, we're your friends.
420
00:22:16,067 --> 00:22:19,547
It's our job to make you
doubt and question yourself.
421
00:22:19,548 --> 00:22:21,346
What do you think of this outfit?
422
00:22:21,347 --> 00:22:24,066
I think you've gone to the dark side
of light entertainment.
423
00:22:24,067 --> 00:22:28,067
It's a bit cheesy.
What would Steven say?
424
00:22:30,547 --> 00:22:32,826
I got a few laughs tonight.
425
00:22:32,827 --> 00:22:35,306
I think it's all right!
426
00:22:35,307 --> 00:22:38,426
When in Rome!
427
00:22:38,427 --> 00:22:41,426
Ladies and gentlemen -
428
00:22:41,427 --> 00:22:44,906
Martin Hurdle!
429
00:22:44,907 --> 00:22:48,666
At least when you become Jewish
your stand-up might improve.
430
00:22:48,667 --> 00:22:51,588
Mm.
32802
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